Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to Reality TV QUM. I am one
Speaker 1: of your hosts, Delia, and I'm here with my real
Speaker 1: tight homegirl and my daughter in law, the Stupendous BEATR.
Speaker 1: That's we are here to recap a new series from
Speaker 1: TLC entitled Suddenly Amaged Jess. Jess hands just the very
Speaker 1: thought that you would wake up one day and be
Speaker 1: suddenly amish, devoid of all of your creature comforts, the
Speaker 1: conveniences of modernity. Now, all of a sudden, you've got
Speaker 1: to churn your own butter, you gotta milk your own cows,
Speaker 1: and you have to fashion your own sanitary napkins. This
Speaker 1: sounds like a nightmare, and six people across the country
Speaker 1: have signed up for just this nightmare and we're going
Speaker 1: to cover it. I love it, yes, absolutely. Now, before
Speaker 1: we get into a rica, we do have to issue
Speaker 1: you a disclaimer. Please hid your wife and hide your kids.
Speaker 1: This is an irreverent podcast. We have a lot of
Speaker 1: opinions and some of them could be considered insulting. We
Speaker 1: don't mean anything by it, but we do not censor ourselves,
Speaker 1: and so if you're one of them senseortal people, baby,
Speaker 1: you might want to find yourself another podcast, But if
Speaker 1: you're ready to be introduced to an entirely new, deviant cult,
Speaker 1: then welcome to this podcast I mean dumpsters.
Speaker 2: And if you think that me and Delia should become
Speaker 2: the next contestants on Suddenly Amish, please follow us on
Speaker 2: Instagram at Reality tv Cringe and join us on Patreon
Speaker 2: patre dot com slash reality tv Cringe. You get all
Speaker 2: of our episodes add free over there, plus a bunch
Speaker 2: of bonus content and it's a lot of fun. We'd
Speaker 2: love to have you.
Speaker 1: It is so much fun. Now, if you're watching on YouTube,
Speaker 1: please we beseech you in an amish way to like
Speaker 1: and comment and share and subscribe and also hype up
Speaker 1: your girls, because any little thing you do helps us
Speaker 1: in the algorith legend. And if we're growing, we're showing,
Speaker 1: we're showing out. We are scaling mount six thousands and subscribers,
Speaker 1: and so anything you do, thank you in thank you. Now,
Speaker 1: before we get into the recap, Beatrice, I just have
Speaker 1: to ask you whether you have any takeaways after watching
Speaker 1: this first episode.
Speaker 2: I'm just like, where did they find these people?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: Who auditions for this show? Who is like I want
Speaker 2: to become a Suddenly Amish.
Speaker 1: Clout Goblins, clout Goblins.
Speaker 2: It has to be.
Speaker 1: Yeah. My takeaway was I loved Betty Joe, Billy Joe,
Speaker 1: Billy Jilly Joe. I loved her. We'll get into it.
Speaker 1: I think she's the star of the show, the breakaway
Speaker 1: star of this whole show.
Speaker 2: Wow, and her dog Wow. I loved it all, my god.
Speaker 1: So without further let's get into our recap of season one,
Speaker 1: episode one, Suddenly Amish. I don't even know the title
Speaker 1: of it. Do you Transform?
Speaker 2: Okay, I mean nobody's really transformed yet in this episode.
Speaker 2: But we get into the premise of the whole show,
Speaker 2: so we're introduced to the Amish community. We have a
Speaker 2: liberal sect of the Amish community that is wanting to
Speaker 2: do this liberal liberal and this particular community in Lancaster,
Speaker 2: Pennsylvania is looking for more people to join their community
Speaker 2: because they're facing extinction, right and like the dodal bird. Yeah,
Speaker 2: actually though, they're like facing extinction because all of their
Speaker 2: youth are leaving in record numbers, because why would you
Speaker 2: want to be Amish if you can go watch porn
Speaker 2: in society and go to the clerk and go to
Speaker 2: the clerk.
Speaker 1: But if you are Amish, you are much more likely
Speaker 1: to bang your cousin, yeah, or your sister, and that
Speaker 1: leads to birth defects and the dwindling of the population, yes,
Speaker 1: which they are very concerned about, are very.
Speaker 2: Concerned about it. And we hear from some of these
Speaker 2: Amish people that apparently a lot of Amish communities are
Speaker 2: heavily imbred, which is terrible, and they don't want to
Speaker 2: be like that. So they are going to invite a
Speaker 2: bunch of English people, which is just anybody who's not Amish.
Speaker 2: They're gonna invite a bunch of people to basically do
Speaker 2: a trial run of living Amish to see if they
Speaker 2: can hack it and then hopefully join their community so
Speaker 2: that way they can breed with them and repopulate.
Speaker 1: God, it sounds like Midsummer.
Speaker 2: That's kind of what it is. Yeah, that's what they
Speaker 2: said at the very beginning. And so we meet the
Speaker 2: bishop of the community Vernon. Yes, and apparently in Amish culture,
Speaker 2: the bishops like make all the rules. I think they
Speaker 2: called it or dung or something or noong or whatever.
Speaker 2: I'm probably butchering that I don't give a fuck, And
Speaker 2: he is the one that I guess pitched the show
Speaker 2: basically in pitch, yeah, the premise he uh really is
Speaker 2: concerned about his community going extinct, and he, I guess
Speaker 2: had an English friend that he like pitched the idea too,
Speaker 2: and then he had his English friend go and pitch
Speaker 2: it to regular society. Because Vernon the Bishop doesn't want
Speaker 2: anything to do with technology, even though he's sitting in
Speaker 2: front of a camera.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's what we have to talk about. Because
Speaker 1: I went up and did some investigative journalism on the
Speaker 1: REDDDS and I'm like, is anybody else watching this ridiculous show?
Speaker 1: And a lot of people on the Breaking Amish forum
Speaker 1: are currently watching this, and they're like, this is so
Speaker 1: much fakery, it is a little and they're saying that
Speaker 1: this is not actually a real Amish community, like these
Speaker 1: are the outcasts, oh, the outliers of other more established
Speaker 1: traditional Amish communities, and they are creating this community for
Speaker 1: the gram, oh, for the TV, for the plot rate,
Speaker 1: like and so these are maybe ex Amish Mennonites. Because
Speaker 1: when we get to Emma's house, yeah yeah, there was
Speaker 1: a satellite dish on her house. I noticed that there
Speaker 1: was an electric kettle in her child.
Speaker 2: What are we doing.
Speaker 1: But they're telling us the audience, yeah, that there's no electricity,
Speaker 1: there's no tattoos, you've got to make your own clothes,
Speaker 1: you can't wear me go always gotta wear a head covering.
Speaker 1: But in this community, I don't think they follow those rules. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I was thinking they had to have at least been
Speaker 2: like Mennadite or something, because I'm like, there's no way
Speaker 2: you guys are like traditional Amish because you wouldn't want
Speaker 2: to be in front of the cameras.
Speaker 1: But right, you know who am I suspend your disbelief
Speaker 1: so that we can enjoy the show? Right?
Speaker 2: So, Vernon Bishop is on this mission. He pitched the
Speaker 2: idea of this show to his English friend and they
Speaker 2: got him signed up with TLC. Great, what a lucky guy.
Speaker 1: You're not going to regret that at all.
Speaker 2: Though, not at all. And Vernon Bishop is enlisting a
Speaker 2: couple people to help. So this is where we're introduced
Speaker 2: to some of the quote unquote Amish community members. First off,
Speaker 2: we have is Emma and she is like Olivia Plath
Speaker 2: or not Olivia Plath Lydia Plaidia Plath where she is
Speaker 2: literally singing an Amish him and she is the cousin
Speaker 2: of James, who we will get to later. But Emma
Speaker 2: is a good Amish girl. She loves being Amish, she
Speaker 2: grew up Amish, loves this lifestyle and really hopes that
Speaker 2: they can find more people to join in their communities
Speaker 2: because she doesn't want to become inbred like all the
Speaker 2: other Amish communities. And then we meet her cousin, James,
Speaker 2: who is currently shunned by his other community. So he
Speaker 2: bopped on over to Lancaster and was like, Hey, can
Speaker 2: I hang out with y'all because my community hates me
Speaker 2: because I'm the black sheep. Because he had a cell
Speaker 2: phone or something, and then he proceeds to tell us
Speaker 2: that he's a bit of a troublemaker. And then we're
Speaker 2: like in his house or something, and.
Speaker 1: You know, we're out in the fields, like a cornfields.
Speaker 2: Okay, and he's like showing us his booze collection.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's contraband, Like, I don't think you're
Speaker 1: supposed to do that.
Speaker 2: But he likes to drink, he likes to party, I
Speaker 2: get it. So he doesn't give a shit and he's
Speaker 2: going to teach these English people a lesson. He's going
Speaker 2: to basically help onboard them into the Amish community.
Speaker 1: He's going to teach them how to be Homish, and
Speaker 1: he's going to oversee the entire program. Yes.
Speaker 2: And then the other people that we have that are
Speaker 2: going to help the English people conform to Amish society
Speaker 2: are Bishop Vernon's brother Alan and Alan's wife Sarah. And
Speaker 2: apparently these two people have like adopted several children that
Speaker 2: are English, like they adopted them from English. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: so they became Amish or something. And they just recently
Speaker 2: lost a son of theirs due to an accident or
Speaker 2: whatever in the cornfields that were not going to elaborate
Speaker 2: on for some reason, but they lost a kid, and
Speaker 2: they're hoping that they can, I don't know, like adopt
Speaker 2: an other.
Speaker 1: I don't think they want to adopt. I think that
Speaker 1: the reason Alan has been tapped for this role is
Speaker 1: because he developed empathy for others, like outside of their
Speaker 1: community visa VI these adopted children, and so he wants
Speaker 1: to help these English to hopefully integrate into the community.
Speaker 2: Yes, I guess, I guess allegedly. And then they proceed
Speaker 2: to tell us that the English people that are going
Speaker 2: to come into their community have thirty days to basically
Speaker 2: survive being amish, and they have to make it to
Speaker 2: the day of reckoning, which will be I guess their
Speaker 2: initiation ritual too.
Speaker 1: Are they going to have to go on top of
Speaker 1: a cliff and then throw themselves off in midsummer? Are
Speaker 1: they gonna have to wear a barracos to be set.
Speaker 2: On fire in a church? It's kind of giving that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm afraid.
Speaker 2: And so then we meet the cast members, the English contestants, right,
Speaker 2: and we start off with Kendra.
Speaker 1: Now, listen, I would like for you to allow me
Speaker 1: to share with everyone what I wrote down about each
Speaker 1: of these folks, Okay, after being introduced to them. It
Speaker 1: is a little inflammatory, so trigger warning. Kendra. Kendra is
Speaker 1: a mid ass thirty two year old hoe who is
Speaker 1: trying to become a star in Dirty Gross La. According
Speaker 1: to her, she says she's very different than her image,
Speaker 1: though her faith is very important. We follow her walking
Speaker 1: in La wearing next to nothing and then packing her
Speaker 1: suitcase with next to nothing on. She submitted a bunch
Speaker 1: of hoe photographs so we can see how sexy she is.
Speaker 1: But she's desperate and we can smell it. She starts
Speaker 1: to cry talking about her bad decision to start an
Speaker 1: OnlyFans and seems to indicate her current pursuit of the
Speaker 1: Amish lifestyle is a reaction to that. And I conclude
Speaker 1: by saying she ain't shit. She really isn't She is
Speaker 1: such a clout goblin.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then like her whole like I'm a born
Speaker 2: again Christian thing because her Only Fans failed, nobody paid
Speaker 2: for it, so now she has to hit rock Bob
Speaker 2: him and then get baptized and come to Jesus and
Speaker 2: now she wants to be on there.
Speaker 1: But she's still taking her hoe photographs. I'm sure she's
Speaker 1: still got a Instagram, Like that's her persona. She is
Speaker 1: on this show so that she can become an influencer
Speaker 1: of some kind.
Speaker 2: Totally because I'm like, why else are you on here?
Speaker 2: Like you're not like Billy Joe, who will get to later. Yeah,
Speaker 2: who's obsessed with the homish. Next one we have is
Speaker 2: Judah from Kansas City.
Speaker 1: So Judah is a twenty two year old, diminutive person
Speaker 1: who is also Muslim. Interesting, Yeah, he grew up in
Speaker 1: the hard streets of Kansas City and never fit in
Speaker 1: And maybe that's because he gets manicures and pedicures and
Speaker 1: dresses and ridiculous clothing.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: He apparently saw a post on social media about the
Speaker 1: Amish community and became obsessed with the Amish, though not
Speaker 1: enough to figure out how to integrate into their community
Speaker 1: without go go boots and rhinestones. We see him sitting
Speaker 1: with his mother and his family and telling them that
Speaker 1: he's leaving, and they're shocked, mainly because he's Muslim.
Speaker 2: Yeah and black, and they're like, what are.
Speaker 1: There black Amish people? Like is that a thing? Are
Speaker 1: we not worried a little bit about introducing yourself, You're
Speaker 1: of African American self into an Amish community. I'm uneducated people,
Speaker 1: Do we really think this is gonna go well?
Speaker 2: And Judea's like, no, for real, it'll be all right,
Speaker 2: Like for real, I'm gonna be fine. And I'm sure
Speaker 2: there's black Amish people for real.
Speaker 1: I really wish we could have had the conversation about
Speaker 1: him being Muslim yea, and how his intention, how what
Speaker 1: his intention is to reconcile his spirituality with the Christian
Speaker 1: faith of the Amish, the very fundamentalist traditional faith of
Speaker 1: the Amish, Like what is your plan here? And also
Speaker 1: you are black and they are all white?
Speaker 2: They're all white, all of.
Speaker 1: Them, and so like, what's your mindset going into that?
Speaker 1: Are you a little worried? Like have you done any research?
Speaker 1: But no, we just see his boots and his rhinestones
Speaker 1: and its manicures and this is gonna be a disaster.
Speaker 1: And I'm I'm like very entertaining that.
Speaker 2: I'm like, are you okay? Why are you gay?
Speaker 1: Why not be gay?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's fine, Like if you.
Speaker 1: Are gay, why are you amish?
Speaker 2: Why are you? But it's just like, what is this?
Speaker 2: This one, this contestant in particular, feels the most fake
Speaker 2: to me, Like that's my opinion. I don't know. He
Speaker 2: just he was weird. And then didn't he say something
Speaker 2: like he's grossed out or afraid of like farm stuff.
Speaker 2: I'm worried about that.
Speaker 1: And his mom says like he's got a phobia with bugs,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, this is a terrible choice.
Speaker 2: This is a.
Speaker 1: Choice, but I'm here for it.
Speaker 2: Yep. Next time we have is Esmeralda, and I had
Speaker 2: a little description about her too, but you read yours verse.
Speaker 1: Esmeralda lives in Houston and wears a lot of makeup,
Speaker 1: just like her single mother who raised her alone. Because
Speaker 1: her dad left. She has a man shaped hole in
Speaker 1: her heart and in her badge. She seems incredibly insecure,
Speaker 1: and she too seems to be panicking about where her
Speaker 1: life is going. She's twenty seven and her life doesn't
Speaker 1: seem great. She's looking for a man to take care
Speaker 1: of her. I e. She's got traditional values, which is
Speaker 1: code for probably no education, no real prospects, and so
Speaker 1: she needs to barnacle onto a dude who will pay
Speaker 1: her bills. She loves traditional roles, traditional values. She doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be a girl boss. She wants to meet
Speaker 1: in who could take care of her period.
Speaker 2: Girl, I'm like, you can find a trad dude in
Speaker 2: Texas of all places. Yeah, Like you can find a
Speaker 2: trad dude without having to become Amish. But okay, she's
Speaker 2: got daddy issues.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 2: Major daddy issues. And like the second I saw her
Speaker 2: false eyelashes and them lip fillers, I'm like, girl, you
Speaker 2: gotta have a roof tuh come in Amish? But like
Speaker 2: whatever you do, you boo boo?
Speaker 1: Is that your description? Well?
Speaker 2: And like the fact that she said she had traditional
Speaker 2: values and she's like, I love the Amish because they
Speaker 2: uphold traditional values because the women don't have to work.
Speaker 1: Like okay, Well she also said they all look alike, yeah,
Speaker 1: and they all dress the same, so I don't have
Speaker 1: to compete. So that's her inner wound crying out for
Speaker 1: help because she does feel like she has to compete
Speaker 1: in her life. She feels like she has to wear
Speaker 1: all of this makeup and do herself up in a
Speaker 1: certain way in order to be attractive. And it's like,
Speaker 1: that's the kind of stuff. I hope that maybe we
Speaker 1: can deconstruct on tlc'd great, but I doubt it.
Speaker 2: I doubt it too. Next one we have is Aaron Noble,
Speaker 2: and in my opinion, he's the kmart Frank Rillo from Kingdom.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, did you watch Kingdom?
Speaker 2: Of course?
Speaker 1: Did you watch all seasons? Attendon so so good, So
Speaker 1: I say. Erin is a forty two year old special
Speaker 1: needs teacher.
Speaker 2: I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything.
Speaker 1: Okay, who seems very concerned with his hair. He is
Speaker 1: the son of an evangelical pastor moonlighted as an Amish driver.
Speaker 1: I guess he drove the Amish around. But Aaron's forty
Speaker 1: two year old man is to quote fit in and
Speaker 1: be like everyone else, which is really fucking sad for
Speaker 1: a person in your forties. Like, if you're in your forties,
Speaker 1: it's two middle fingers up, I am who I am?
Speaker 1: If you don't like it, kiss these cheeks for Saron.
Speaker 1: I want you to feel that way. But he doesn't.
Speaker 1: He just wants to fit in, and we do learn
Speaker 1: a little bit more about that.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he likes to work out and is looking for
Speaker 1: a change in his life. He is a very spiritual person.
Speaker 1: And then we have this kind of weird segment. This
Speaker 1: was weird of his intro where he says that he
Speaker 1: lost his virginity at the age of thirty two, which
Speaker 1: is interesting in and of itself, but then he adds
Speaker 1: in the statement that it was kind of forced upon him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like he didn't want to.
Speaker 1: And so the producer is like, so you mean you
Speaker 1: were graped? Yeah, and he's like, yeah, I wanted to
Speaker 1: save myself for marriage and didn't work out that way.
Speaker 1: So that's tragic. Yeah, and I feel terrible. He also
Speaker 1: alludes to the fact that he has some kind of
Speaker 1: a disability and he's a bit nervous about how that's
Speaker 1: going to work within the community, and I wondered aloud
Speaker 1: and to my husband whether that disability was a micro.
Speaker 2: Penis You're so mean. I wonder about.
Speaker 1: Guys who are virgins laid into life and or like
Speaker 1: not coupled up and you're in your forties. Is it
Speaker 1: because upedis is a half an inch long? Is it
Speaker 1: a little Vienna's fault?
Speaker 2: Maybe he was waiting.
Speaker 1: For the right woman, I know. And that's when I
Speaker 1: started feeling so bad about myself, like I'm so jaded
Speaker 1: after all these years that my first my first thought
Speaker 1: is that you're disabled because you have a micropedia.
Speaker 2: Because he has actual disability.
Speaker 1: I know, we learn about that, and I felt so guilty,
Speaker 1: but not guilty enough not to share what I thought
Speaker 1: with everybody else.
Speaker 2: God. The next one we have is Billy Joe, who
Speaker 2: is a Amish cosplayer.
Speaker 1: Period that's the period.
Speaker 2: A forty something year old Amish forty six.
Speaker 1: Yeah stop stop right here. So she's a forty six
Speaker 1: year old woman who has been a y with amishness
Speaker 1: for twenty years and she's been dressing as an Amish
Speaker 1: person for ten years.
Speaker 2: Like she literally fast.
Speaker 1: She goes to her job and she pours the coffees
Speaker 1: in her full Amish garb, and we've got a couple
Speaker 1: of customers are like, do you think that this is
Speaker 1: maybe offensive to.
Speaker 2: Actual Amish people appropriating it?
Speaker 1: Like, my culture is not your costume, and She's like,
Speaker 1: absolutely not. I worship the Amish, I love the Amish.
Speaker 1: I have faceless dolls that are Amish. I dress my
Speaker 1: Chitsu dog god pass an Amish person. I love the homage.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, Okay, that's fabulous. But then I'm thinking
Speaker 1: to myself, Beatrice, if you would allow me to express this.
Speaker 1: So you want to bring in English people, you want
Speaker 1: to recruit outsiders so that you can diversify the gene pool.
Speaker 1: But Billie Joe is the forty six years old I
Speaker 1: mean then, and it has been known that like some
Speaker 1: miracle ladies with turbo uterisic can produce babies well into
Speaker 1: their forties and even their fifties. I've read articles about that.
Speaker 1: But for most of us women, as we age, we
Speaker 1: kind of age out of concepcion. Yes, you know, early forties.
Speaker 2: There is a biological clock.
Speaker 1: And so I'm just wondering, why are we bringing Billy
Speaker 1: Joe in other than for the humor, totally for that
Speaker 1: for the laughs, it's that and for the joy that
Speaker 1: I get out of it.
Speaker 2: It's totally that. Because the guy before that was talking
Speaker 2: about his essay, Yeah, and his disability is done.
Speaker 1: We need some levity.
Speaker 2: We do need some levity, and Billy Joe's here.
Speaker 1: To bring it.
Speaker 2: Billy Joe the forty six year old Amish cosplayer. And
Speaker 2: then the last contestant that we have contestants is Nat
Speaker 2: from Texas.
Speaker 1: And he's a nothing burger. He's a thirty No, he's
Speaker 1: not a loser.
Speaker 2: He is.
Speaker 1: He's a librarian. I think that's a real job.
Speaker 2: That's great.
Speaker 1: He's a thirty five year old librarian from it looks
Speaker 1: like East Texas. He's got two twins that are seven
Speaker 1: years old, and he feels lost. He's like, I never
Speaker 1: expected to be feeling like this at thirty five years old.
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't have my shit together. I
Speaker 1: don't know where my life is going. So I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna leave my children and make gainful employment and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and I'm gonna pretend to
Speaker 1: be Amish for thirty.
Speaker 2: Days and hook up with an OnlyFans model that.
Speaker 1: Is being telegraphed, it's being forecasted out. Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2: So he's a loser in my opinion, because I'm just like,
Speaker 2: why are you gonna leave your babies, yeah, to go
Speaker 2: become fami loser activities. And also I'm like, if you
Speaker 2: have these kids and you're a single dad, are your
Speaker 2: kids gonna become amish? Or are you just gonna leave them
Speaker 2: with their mom or like a family member? Are you like?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good point. I do think that illustrates
Speaker 1: that he's probably just doing this for the gram and
Speaker 1: he's probably not serious, and maybe he's catching like a
Speaker 1: he's getting a cute little check or something, probably two
Speaker 1: thousand dollars for thirty days when they were just getting
Speaker 1: away from his life for a little while.
Speaker 2: Yeah, some the way he can feel better about the
Speaker 2: fact that he's a librarian.
Speaker 1: What's wrong with that thing?
Speaker 2: Librarians are cool.
Speaker 1: As fuck, libraries are cool. Reading is cool totally.
Speaker 2: But maybe he wants to do something else and that's fine,
Speaker 2: just like, go do that instead of becoming suddenly amish.
Speaker 2: But all right, all right, okay, So then everybody arrives
Speaker 2: in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and they all have to walk their
Speaker 2: bags from wherever the gozone dropped them off.
Speaker 1: And here comes Judah Honey with these platform patent leather
Speaker 1: high heel boots or whatever and a rhine stone belt.
Speaker 1: I have a belt just like this that I bought
Speaker 1: in twenty tens.
Speaker 2: Stop it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you have those like bedazzled jeans like western
Speaker 1: wear anyway, So he's wearing this bedazzled belt and he's
Speaker 1: looking very fashion. Yeah, but you're coming to an Amish community,
Speaker 1: and I just wonder, what have you thought about that?
Speaker 1: Did you think about that?
Speaker 2: Though? No, he didn't, okay, because he's twenty two years old. Yeah,
Speaker 2: he also gets many petties like every two weeks and
Speaker 2: his haircut every two weeks. There's nothing wrong with that, No,
Speaker 2: not at all.
Speaker 1: But you're not going to be able to do that
Speaker 1: in your Amish community.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'll just leave it there because I won't
Speaker 2: be super offensive.
Speaker 1: And then here comes Kendra. Kendra, Remember she's the only
Speaker 1: fans girl from LA who's trying to make it as
Speaker 1: a dancer. Woe herself, trying to make it as but
Speaker 1: she's still dance and she still got her hoe photographs anyway,
Speaker 1: So she comes trotten up into the Amish community wearing
Speaker 1: what Billy Joe calls Betty Joe, Billy Joe, Billy Joe,
Speaker 1: Billy Joe calls cheerleader smut. Yeah, dress a cheerleader smut.
Speaker 1: Dress like her titties are all they're up, perky, perking out,
Speaker 1: and her legs are all out, and like, I've traveled
Speaker 1: around the world and AII had to know how to
Speaker 1: dress when I went into certain cultures and certain countries.
Speaker 1: Like if it's a more conservative culture, then I'm going
Speaker 1: to cover up. That doesn't mean that I have to
Speaker 1: at home, that doesn't mean I have to even believe
Speaker 1: in that, but it's as a respect to your culture.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna show up and try to assimilate. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna come in look and leg ah.
Speaker 2: I know it's kind of crazy what she wore. And
Speaker 2: then we have Billy Joe wearing her her Amish costume.
Speaker 2: And then at least like es Morelda had the sense
Speaker 2: to wear like a T shirt and long pants and stuff.
Speaker 2: And I'm not saying I'm not endorsing that women need
Speaker 2: to cover themselves up or like dress conservatively, but if you.
Speaker 1: Are going in the Amish, yes, hello, there's nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with the hell where we do. It's not respectful. In fact,
Speaker 1: it's disrespectful. And even though Esmeralda showed up with like
Speaker 1: appropriate clothing, she still had all of her lashes and
Speaker 1: makeup and nails out to here.
Speaker 2: And I'm just like, you girls are stoopid. I mean,
Speaker 2: it's just as bad though as Judah coming in with
Speaker 2: indeed heels in its fucking ride stuff.
Speaker 1: Aaron and Matthew showed up and they were perfectly appropriate,
Speaker 1: and so Billy Joe because she showed up as an
Speaker 1: almenshon woman that she's been caused playing the last ten
Speaker 1: years exactly, but those other ones were just ridiculous yep.
Speaker 2: And so once everybody arrives, immediately Kendra and Matt start
Speaker 2: making googly eyes to each other because Matt is super
Speaker 2: horny for her because her tits are out, and Kendra
Speaker 2: is desperate correct, So she looks at Mad and she's like, Wow,
Speaker 2: he's the only cute guy here.
Speaker 1: I better bang Aaron's handsome yeah, okay.
Speaker 2: And a kmar frank grillow kind of fling. And so
Speaker 2: once they're all waiting there, then Bishop Vernon arrives from
Speaker 2: the barn and he gives everybody like the rules of
Speaker 2: the game, essentially the Squid Games. They have to conform
Speaker 2: to Amish lifestyle within thirty days, and then at the
Speaker 2: end of the thirty days, at the day of the reckoning,
Speaker 2: then they can decide if they want to leave or
Speaker 2: stay and be Amish permanently. After giving the rules, then
Speaker 2: Bishop Vernon's like, Kendra, can I talk to you real
Speaker 2: quick in the barn? And She's like sure, and he
Speaker 2: goes and has a chat with her, a based chat
Speaker 2: with her, I mean immediately he's like, so, why do
Speaker 2: you dress that way?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I get right to it, honey. Why did you
Speaker 1: have the audacity did you show up to my community
Speaker 1: dressed like a hoe?
Speaker 2: Yep? And Kendra's like, well, I'm a dancer and so
Speaker 2: like my only asset is like my body, and I
Speaker 2: have to show off my body because I am a dancer,
Speaker 2: and so that's why, like I dress the way that
Speaker 2: I do. And I'm like, I'm really comfortable am I
Speaker 2: dress and everything? And Bishop Vernon's like, well, you know,
Speaker 2: we would see that as you're missing something in your life.
Speaker 1: I think he says something like we would consider that
Speaker 1: to be lust. Yes, like a spirit of lust, like
Speaker 1: a Jezebel spirit temptation, and we would look at all
Speaker 1: your skin that you seem to want to show us,
Speaker 1: and we would ask ourselves, what's wrong with her? What's
Speaker 1: missing in her life? What's her intire real world?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: Is something's wrong with you? You're broken.
Speaker 2: He also says that the other women in the Amish
Speaker 2: community would be very jealous and would not want her
Speaker 2: to hang around them or their husbands, because these Amish
Speaker 2: women look very different compared to Kendra, and they don't
Speaker 2: want their husbands being tempted or.
Speaker 1: Their sons or their sons, They wouldn't want their sons
Speaker 1: to be tempted by somebody like Kendra. And I think
Speaker 1: he said something like they would think the women would
Speaker 1: think that your heart is not in the right place. Yes,
Speaker 1: if you show up looking like this yet with your
Speaker 1: whole ass out.
Speaker 2: I mean hello. And then Kendra leaves that conversation and
Speaker 2: cries uh huh because she was slutshamed. And I'm just like, girl,
Speaker 2: what did did you research the Amish Amish community? Do
Speaker 2: you know what their ideals and their values are?
Speaker 1: Well, and I'm just gonna sidebar here and presume that
Speaker 1: TLC wanted them to show up all of their regalia
Speaker 1: finery looking like fools so that they would have to
Speaker 1: be corrected and they could film that response. But Kendra
Speaker 1: does seem to be legitimately upset that she was called out.
Speaker 1: But I mean, like she defaults immediately into victimhood and I'm.
Speaker 2: Always judged by everyone for a while.
Speaker 1: Oh, I look and I'm like, okay, but you could
Speaker 1: have probably anticipated that's something like this would happen, and
Speaker 1: maybe also look at it from their vantage point, like
Speaker 1: this is highly disrespectful and you ain't shit.
Speaker 2: Though, I mean, this isn't la and keep.
Speaker 1: Your tears to yourself, your weaponized tears. So everybody feels
Speaker 1: sorry for you, I don't feel sorry for you.
Speaker 2: I don't know at all. And it's obviously just indicative
Speaker 2: of what's going on with her because she feels really
Speaker 2: ashamed about the fact that she had an only fans
Speaker 2: that failed and didn't make a lot of money.
Speaker 1: Let me just can I can I just ask you
Speaker 1: because I'm an oh girl, I'm a oh hit. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but she started her only fans at the age of two. Seven, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's just a little bit. That's like seven years younger
Speaker 1: than you. That's all four blown adult. You've been on
Speaker 1: this planet, and you've been operating as an adult and
Speaker 1: a free agent for quite some time, like for forty years.
Speaker 1: Apparently to me, it feels like like when you're eighteen
Speaker 1: nineteen and I'm gonna do OnlyFans, Yeah, but when you're
Speaker 1: forty and you're doing an only fans, that sort of
Speaker 1: expresses something different going on with you. Just that just
Speaker 1: felt late in life to starting only fans.
Speaker 2: At twenty seven yeah aka forty. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean I'm just taking this is am I wrong.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, she probably was one of those girls
Speaker 2: that like tried to be an influencer. She probably like
Speaker 2: tried to make it in her sorority and like didn't
Speaker 2: make it very far. She went to college, maybe I
Speaker 2: probably dropped out because she was partying or something, and
Speaker 2: then maybe she fell back on OnlyFans, thinking like, well,
Speaker 2: all the other girls are doing it, and I'm pretty enough,
Speaker 2: so people will pay for me. But like the thing
Speaker 2: is is so many people are doing OnlyFans now that
Speaker 2: nobody's gonna pay for your mid ass titties.
Speaker 1: No, sorry, So I just it just seemed like an
Speaker 1: interesting choice, Like a desperate choice that somebody who has
Speaker 1: nothing to lose, that's what it is, will make in
Speaker 1: order to try and make some money, or somebody who's
Speaker 1: seeking attention, which she really seems to be needing attention totally.
Speaker 2: So she does her little crying pity party. Everybody tries
Speaker 2: to comfort her. Judah is like, hey, but you know,
Speaker 2: Jesus was like friends with prostitutes.
Speaker 1: Though, what did Billie Joe say.
Speaker 2: Like Judah's basically calling her a prostitute.
Speaker 1: Or something, Yeah, we welcome prostitute, Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 1: I thought that was funny.
Speaker 2: So that was kind of ridiculous. And then after Kendra
Speaker 2: cries her crocodile tears, then Bishop Vernon's like, we're gonna
Speaker 2: split you into two teams because we can't have you
Speaker 2: all in one same house or something. I don't know,
Speaker 2: just fucking just just straight fucking, just straight fucking. So
Speaker 2: they're gonna each stay with two Amish families, which are
Speaker 2: the ones that we introduce we were in introduced to
Speaker 2: at the beginning. So Kendra, Matt and Billy Joe are
Speaker 2: gonna go stay with Bishop Vernon's brother Alan and his
Speaker 2: wife Sarah, and then Judah Esmeralda and Aaron are going
Speaker 2: to stay with James and Emma.
Speaker 1: James that devious little troublemaking rat.
Speaker 2: The Amish outcast, and Emma the good Amish girl. And
Speaker 2: so when Kendra, Matt and Billie Joe go to Alan
Speaker 2: and Sarah's house, Alan's first impression of Kendra is that
Speaker 2: she's not taking this shit seriously, and he's correct, And
Speaker 2: then Billy Joe has to.
Speaker 1: Poop immediately, has to take a dump.
Speaker 2: Has the shit right there and then where she's gonna
Speaker 2: shit herself in her Armish garb. And so Alan's like, okay, sure,
Speaker 2: let me show you the bathroom, which is an outhouse
Speaker 2: with rotten wood, like barely any toilet paper, so.
Speaker 1: There's no toilet paper. They don't use toilet paper. He
Speaker 1: has her a newspaper.
Speaker 2: So Billy Joe goes to take a ship.
Speaker 1: Wait though, He's like, yeah, we get these newspapers for free.
Speaker 1: We go down there every morning and we just grab
Speaker 1: a couple of these newspapers. We bring it back and
Speaker 1: we don't use toilet paper. We wipe with the newspapers.
Speaker 2: I mean, I mean, what what I mean? What do
Speaker 2: you think toilet paper is made out of.
Speaker 1: It's ink on it, and then you wipe with it,
Speaker 1: and now you have that ink on you all up
Speaker 1: in your toilet.
Speaker 2: Paper's got chemicals, and shits got chlorine and bleach and stuff.
Speaker 1: I'm just scandalized. Billy Joe's like, are you serious right now?
Speaker 2: But she's like, I don't care. I gotta take a
Speaker 2: shit sometimes you gotta go. So she takes a ship.
Speaker 2: She comes out and she's like, I think I got
Speaker 2: a splinter in my ass. Let me go ask Kendra.
Speaker 1: To should be perfect for this. So ridiculous.
Speaker 2: Then we go over to James and Emma's house, which
Speaker 2: is a very different vibe, very very different vibe, very militant.
Speaker 1: Like they're waiting. Emma and James are waiting on the
Speaker 1: porch in their chairs, kind of in this intimidating dance.
Speaker 1: We've got the three of them as Mauralda, Aaron and
Speaker 1: Jude Judah come up. They won't even let them bring
Speaker 1: their suitcases into the home lest they defile the sacred vibration.
Speaker 1: And they bring them to the home. They introduce them
Speaker 1: to the quarters and Judah's legs sitting at the kitchen
Speaker 1: table with chairs made of wood, and he's like, I
Speaker 1: can't even sit on these chairs. They're made of wood.
Speaker 2: He literally says, this is too ghetto for me. I'm like, why.
Speaker 1: Judah come there? One as Marlda She's like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: there's a fly strip catching flies and there's absolutely no
Speaker 1: air conditioning and it's digy and old and I don't
Speaker 1: know what to do.
Speaker 2: With this, yep. And then they go outside to go
Speaker 2: through their suitcases because James and Emma said that they
Speaker 2: have to go through and make sure they get rid
Speaker 2: of all their contraband and all of their other worldly items.
Speaker 2: And I think they go through did they go through
Speaker 2: Esmerelda's first?
Speaker 1: And they go through Judas first. Okay, he's got his
Speaker 1: ripped jeans right, and his flamboyant, his belts and his
Speaker 1: colors and his bronstone and his boots, and they're like, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: you can't bring these into the home. And I think
Speaker 1: Emma says something like I would be embarrassed and probably
Speaker 1: shunned if I had to launder these clothes and hang
Speaker 1: them up. I would be so embarrassed.
Speaker 2: I mean based, I would be too. Yeah, And then
Speaker 2: they go through I think Erin's next, because Esmerelda's was
Speaker 2: like last because she throws a tantrum. But we go
Speaker 2: through errands and he's all worried because he's got a
Speaker 2: big old secret, which is his disability. And his disability
Speaker 2: is that he's got hearing aids, and specifically, his hearing
Speaker 2: aids that he has are Bluetooth and they're connected to
Speaker 2: his phone, and if he can't have those, he can't
Speaker 2: hear anything. So he's really worried that the homage people
Speaker 2: are going to find his hearing aids and not let
Speaker 2: him have them, and then he's gonna have to leave
Speaker 2: or something. They do end up finding them, and James is, like,
Speaker 2: their Bluetooth, they're connected to a cell phone, blasphemous. And
Speaker 2: they do go on to say that in the Amish
Speaker 2: community they do allow exceptions for some like medical devices
Speaker 2: and stuff like that, as long as they're not connected
Speaker 2: via Bluetooth or via like a cell phone or Internet
Speaker 2: or whatever. And so James's like, you can't have these,
Speaker 2: but I'll find you some alternative hearing aids somewhere, like
Speaker 2: in the dumpster or something. And then we get to
Speaker 2: Esmerelda's suitcase, which is completely chock full of various skincare
Speaker 2: products and hair products and makeup and her nails and
Speaker 2: fake lashes, and James is like, all this is going
Speaker 2: in the trash and Esmerelda is like, no, I need
Speaker 2: it though, and then she starts throwing a fit.
Speaker 1: Yes, they have to actually call Alan over from the
Speaker 1: other house to come over and mediate lay down the lot.
Speaker 1: He says something like, how dare you come into our
Speaker 1: community and to conform to your way of life. That's
Speaker 1: not how this works. And they tell her straight out
Speaker 1: like we do not allow make up nails. How are
Speaker 1: you gonna milk them cows?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And she's like, well, I guess they'm not milking cow pen.
Speaker 1: We don't allow for these lashes. And she's like well yeah,
Speaker 1: but like you've taken absolutely everything from me, so I'm
Speaker 1: just not going to let you take these things.
Speaker 2: This is so stupid.
Speaker 1: And they're like, okay, Bed, how about you just get
Speaker 1: on out. You'll leave tonight then, right, And then as
Speaker 1: morel does working out the numbers in her head, she's like,
Speaker 1: but what about my Instagram? What about my follower? You
Speaker 1: need to at least be here for a few days.
Speaker 1: So they leave us on a cliffhanger. Yeah, and it
Speaker 1: makes it look like as Marelda's gonna have to leave,
Speaker 1: But then we see the preview for the season and
Speaker 1: she's still there because God forbid, as a clout goblin,
Speaker 1: she'd actually go home and stand on business.
Speaker 2: Dante's down, of course, so I guess she does give
Speaker 2: up all of her other worldly stuff. So in the
Speaker 2: preview for the season, we have the Amish people teaching
Speaker 2: Judah how to use a saw, and then he like
Speaker 2: runs out of the pickbarn or something because he just
Speaker 2: can't take it. It's to ghetto for him. Then we
Speaker 2: have a budding romance or something between Matt and Kendra,
Speaker 2: which I'm just like, ew, Like, we don't need that.
Speaker 2: I would rather see people cry about not having their
Speaker 2: fake lashes, but that's just me. Then we have Billy
Speaker 2: Joe who's meeting.
Speaker 1: With oh my god man almost like simple Jack from
Speaker 1: Tropic Thunder with the hair with the hair, and he
Speaker 1: proceeds to tell.
Speaker 2: Her that he's actually got his nipples peers and he
Speaker 2: has her feel them, which I'm just like, Okay, maybe
Speaker 2: there's a romance between Billy Joe and an Amish guy.
Speaker 2: I don't know. Then we have Esmerlda saying that she's
Speaker 2: struggling because there's so much judgment. Yeah, there's so much judgment.
Speaker 1: Christian religion they judge people, bitch.
Speaker 2: And this fundamentalist religious community that shuns people. There's so
Speaker 2: much judgment. Then we have Judah who's saying he's keeping secrets,
Speaker 2: and my question.
Speaker 1: Is secrets it's always a gay conspiracy with you Beatrice.
Speaker 2: With those studded high top boots. I don't know. Then
Speaker 2: we have nat who's getting chased.
Speaker 1: Off the farm by Chase with an axe, Like, what's
Speaker 1: going on? What is happening? That seems kind of violent
Speaker 1: for Christian people?
Speaker 2: And it seems like all of these contestants make it
Speaker 2: to the day of reckoning it kind of does. It
Speaker 2: seems like it. So I guess there's no like elimination
Speaker 2: rounds or anything like that.
Speaker 1: I was like voting him off the community.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was kind of hoping like Bishop Burdon would
Speaker 2: come like every week and be like, you know what, Kendrew,
Speaker 2: You're still a hoe.
Speaker 1: But get to the top of the cliff. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: I am intrigued, but as well, I mean, clearly there
Speaker 1: is some production tomfoolery. There would have to be in
Speaker 1: order to have cameras in an Amish community, et cetera.
Speaker 1: You have a lot of people from Lancaster on that
Speaker 1: breaking Amish sub read it saying this is fakery and fraudery,
Speaker 1: but I don't care. Listen. In a world is dark
Speaker 1: and dystopian, it's the one we are.
Speaker 2: Currently living in. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I look forward to laughter, I look forward to spectacles,
Speaker 1: and I look for to entertainment.
Speaker 2: And honestly, from the bottom of the barrel, they picked
Speaker 2: some pretty good crazy clouk goblins. Yeah, I'm into it.
Speaker 1: I am as well. And again I say, these people
Speaker 1: are untrained in the art of camera for sure. They've
Speaker 1: never been on a show. They're not gonna know how
Speaker 1: to act. They think they know how to act because
Speaker 1: they've watched all the shows with the rest of us,
Speaker 1: but you don't know till you're in it. They're gonna
Speaker 1: make mistakes, They're gonna be awful people. I hope there's
Speaker 1: gonna be drama, and I just my expectations are really high.
Speaker 2: Me too.
Speaker 1: But they were really high for poly Family too, right,
Speaker 1: and that was a train wreck. Yeah, So we'll see
Speaker 1: how it goes.
Speaker 2: We will see how it goes.
Speaker 1: I enjoyed myself.
Speaker 2: Worst case scenario there's always one thousand pounds sisters. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2: that just came out. And also there's a new season
Speaker 2: season of Unexpected.
Speaker 1: Heard about that? And isn't the boy who impregnated a girl?
Speaker 1: Isn't he like thirteen? Wasn't he like twelve?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: When he knocked up a fourteen year?
Speaker 2: Are we really doing this? Sale? Thank?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Should we really watch that? May? The answers? Yes?
Speaker 1: The answer maybe? I don't want to though anyway, So
Speaker 1: this was fun? Did you guys watch? Drop into the
Speaker 1: comments or write to Beatrice on the Instagram and let
Speaker 1: us know if you watched and what you thought of it?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do you think it's fake? Do you think it's fun?
Speaker 1: We want to know.
Speaker 2: We do want to know.
Speaker 1: Now, is there anything else that we should say to
Speaker 1: these beautiful raccoons before we get a bond at a here? Bitches?
Speaker 2: Well, if you love our podcast, please go to your
Speaker 2: favorite podcast platform and leave us a glowing five star review.
Speaker 2: Really help us grow the pod so more people can
Speaker 2: join us on the dumpster and we would really appreciate it,
Speaker 2: so thank you.
Speaker 1: We will be back next week to continue our conversation
Speaker 1: about sister wives and suddenly Amish and until then please
Speaker 1: do not forget, and we have nothing but love for
Speaker 1: you and peace.
Speaker 2: A mighty
Speaker 1: H