Speaker 1: Look up, We've come all the things we do it
Speaker 1: on the bottom all, Oh wow, is you you're my
Speaker 1: favorite view? But that's nothing and we are back.
Speaker 2: Welcome back, bumble bitches. Uh.
Speaker 1: We are doing Friday content tonight. Today.
Speaker 3: We posted into the discord and asked some topics for
Speaker 3: Friday content and what they would like to see, and
Speaker 3: some of the things that we got were they would
Speaker 3: like to see the I versus you statement revisited, which
Speaker 3: I definitely think that we should do, but I want
Speaker 3: to prepare for that. I think that we should like
Speaker 3: try to come up with scenarios where it's really hard
Speaker 3: to find the I statement and then try to like
Speaker 3: navigate that now. Yeah, yeah, And I think that that
Speaker 3: would do really well. The some of the other things
Speaker 3: that came up was co parent which I really would
Speaker 3: like to revise the co parenting episode. A lot of
Speaker 3: things have changed in our lives with the co parenting
Speaker 3: situation since the first episode, and it's become it's it's
Speaker 3: very different and very difficult for people when you have
Speaker 3: animosity between households, and like, I think that would be
Speaker 3: a good discussion to have. Something else that came up,
Speaker 3: which is what we decided to do tonight is the
Speaker 3: healing after a breakup and when do I know if
Speaker 3: I'm ready to start dating again.
Speaker 1: I think that's a great discussion.
Speaker 3: I think that there's a lot of people that have
Speaker 3: listened to our podcast that realized that they were this
Speaker 3: way for toical drinking. I don't know if you guys
Speaker 3: could hear her drinking, but just in case, I do too.
Speaker 3: So there's been a lot of people in our community
Speaker 3: and a lot of people that I believe have listened
Speaker 3: to the podcast that realized that they were in a
Speaker 3: shitty situation that they need to be in, whether it
Speaker 3: was in compatibility or abusive, or maybe the relationship just
Speaker 3: ran its course and they weren't happy anymore and they've
Speaker 3: moved on. And I know that there's some single people
Speaker 3: in the discord, and I know that, you know, obviously
Speaker 3: we hear people all the time. I'm like, hey, I
Speaker 3: left my ex he was abusive or she was crazy,
Speaker 3: and I'm now single and working on me. I personally,
Speaker 3: we personally know somebody recently that is filed for divorce
Speaker 3: and is going through it, and I think that this
Speaker 3: might help them too. So I have to find the
Speaker 3: document though, because I was in here earlier doing voice
Speaker 3: of the Broken content, right, and I just put put
Speaker 3: together some things and hopefully we can just make this
Speaker 3: like a talking thing. Guys, if you haven't yet, make
Speaker 3: sure that you like the video. If you're new here,
Speaker 3: subscribed to the channel, and please share the content. It
Speaker 3: really helps us do what we're doing. And if you
Speaker 3: find value in this, leave a comment on the video
Speaker 3: telling us what it was that stood out to you,
Speaker 3: so that we can get some sort of feedback from you.
Speaker 3: So the question is when should I date again? When
Speaker 3: I think the better question is is who am I
Speaker 3: bringing into the next relationship? And I don't mean that
Speaker 3: in like, who am I finding to bring into that relationship?
Speaker 3: I mean what am I? Who am I bringing into
Speaker 3: that next relationship? Most of you don't know yourself. Let's
Speaker 3: say you spent five years in a relationship. Two of
Speaker 3: it was married, three of it was courting, dating, whatever. Right,
Speaker 3: during that five years, you become very enmeshed with another
Speaker 3: human being. The things that they like are things that
Speaker 3: you originally tolerated that you then overlooked and just became
Speaker 3: a thing. And it's a normal part of your life.
Speaker 3: So maybe all of the TV shows I control the remote,
Speaker 3: right I do, And there's shit that she'll want to watch,
Speaker 3: and sometimes I'll sit down and watch shows with her.
Speaker 3: But for the most part, I just kind of control
Speaker 3: the TV. And when I get feedback, what do you
Speaker 3: want to watch? You know, you in fire country tonight,
Speaker 3: Sheriff country. You want to watch some dune ranch? Like
Speaker 3: what we are we doing? The mob shit right right?
Speaker 3: We want drug dealing TV shows tonight? Like what are
Speaker 3: we doing? So we have a discussion, but we for
Speaker 3: the most part, I do kind of pick what's on.
Speaker 3: I've been watching a lot of The Last Ship lately.
Speaker 3: That's been my thing. But knowing that I handle the
Speaker 3: television the way that I do, in the event that
Speaker 3: I wasn't around here anymore, you would have a whole
Speaker 3: lot of shows to catch up on because you would
Speaker 3: be in control of the remote again. So you guys
Speaker 3: realize that you are not engaging in entertainment for yourself.
Speaker 3: You're doing it as a cohesive household where you're trying
Speaker 3: to make sure that everything is copesthetic.
Speaker 2: Woh good word.
Speaker 3: We're not trying to have You're trying to keep the
Speaker 3: peace in the household. You're trying to make sure that
Speaker 3: everybody is on an even keel, so you don't live
Speaker 3: for you anymore. You might be able to read the
Speaker 3: audio books that you want to read, but even if
Speaker 3: you're in the car with your loved one and if
Speaker 3: your radio is on, you're listening to things that are
Speaker 3: mutually agreeable. When we're in the car together, I turn
Speaker 3: my audio book off unless I'm starting a new one
Speaker 3: that we get to listen to together, because if we're
Speaker 3: starting on chapter thirteen of a sixteen chapter book, I'm
Speaker 3: not going to recap the last thirteen chapters in this
Speaker 3: one hour drive so that I can listen to fifteen
Speaker 3: minutes of book right like. It just doesn't work that.
Speaker 2: Way, which is something I would ask you to do.
Speaker 3: I know you would, and for on a seven hour drive,
Speaker 3: I would gladly recap that book because I could give
Speaker 3: you the bullet points and we can move on. I
Speaker 3: can finish that book and then we can start another one.
Speaker 3: But just driving around our hour and a half, it's
Speaker 3: just not viable. So we get to a point where
Speaker 3: we forget who we are.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: The whole point of all of that is we begin
Speaker 3: living for another person and we lose our own identity,
Speaker 3: and I do believe that independence and relationships. Doing the
Speaker 3: hobbies and the things that you like is important to
Speaker 3: maintain a healthy dynamic between two people. It also gives
Speaker 3: you things to talk about, right, Like, when you get
Speaker 3: super into whatever you're super into, if I'm not super
Speaker 3: into that, and we have conversations about our hobbies, those
Speaker 3: are life conversations that we would have otherwise never had.
Speaker 3: And if we can get each other involved in each
Speaker 3: other's hobbies, that's a super dope thing as well, right,
Speaker 3: anything before I move on? Okay, guys, we do record
Speaker 3: these episodes live in front of our Patreon audience. If
Speaker 3: you are not a member of our Patreon or a Discord,
Speaker 3: I highly recommend that you go check it out Patreon,
Speaker 3: dot com, forward slash to be better. We have multiple
Speaker 3: tiers men and women's mentorship programs over there. Discord with
Speaker 3: over one thousand people in it that have everything from
Speaker 3: home studying to homeschooling, to religion and everything. Like, we
Speaker 3: got a discord that has chats for fucking everything. Our
Speaker 3: being is even in there, And if you guys want
Speaker 3: to go and check out that community, become a part
Speaker 3: of it, and become part of the to be better tribe.
Speaker 1: It's a great time to do it, all right.
Speaker 3: So when people ask how long should I go before
Speaker 3: I start dating again, there's no such thing as a
Speaker 3: said amount of time.
Speaker 1: You could have been somebody who was with you could
Speaker 1: have been with.
Speaker 3: An actual narcissist, not what the Internet calls a narcissist,
Speaker 3: but like a true narcissist. You could have been abused,
Speaker 3: You could have been There's so many things that could
Speaker 3: have happened in your relationship that just made you not okay,
Speaker 3: and it could take you a whole lot longer to
Speaker 3: recover from that than someone who has. So the question
Speaker 3: is not the time that matters, it's the amount of
Speaker 3: healing that you have done since then, right, One person
Speaker 3: can be ready in three months because they've done the work,
Speaker 3: and another can still be carrying their ex into every
Speaker 3: new relationship they have over the next five years.
Speaker 2: Keep picking up the scab, it'll never.
Speaker 1: Hear it's true. That's true, and go ahead.
Speaker 2: I also want to relate this to write.
Speaker 4: A first degree burn from me cooking is gonna heal
Speaker 4: a whole lot different from somebody who suffered third degree
Speaker 4: burns on eighty percent of their body.
Speaker 3: First that I think needs to happen, as you need
Speaker 3: to grieve before you replace. So many of us, you guys,
Speaker 3: get into them long relationships five, ten, fifteen, twenty years,
Speaker 3: and now you're sitting alone at night, staring at the
Speaker 3: fucking ceiling with a cold bed next to you. And
Speaker 3: this isn't just for breakups. This could be a death
Speaker 3: thing too, write and your life has been shattered. All
Speaker 3: of that normal shit that you've done for you know,
Speaker 3: however long it's been, has your normal. Now there's a
Speaker 3: whole lot of oh god, I'm alone. And people don't
Speaker 3: do well with that shit, so they start looking to
Speaker 3: feel voids phil to fill voids versus working to heal
Speaker 3: before trying to bring somebody else in. And then they
Speaker 3: wonder why they find themselves and loops and repetitive patterns.
Speaker 3: Too many people confuse distraction with healing. It's way easier
Speaker 3: to distract than it is to do the work. They
Speaker 3: jump into another relationship because they don't want to be alone.
Speaker 3: The problem is that loneliness doesn't disappear because someone knew
Speaker 3: is texting you. That's a distraction, You guys, need me
Speaker 3: to read that to you again. The problem is that
Speaker 3: loneliness doesn't disappear because someone knew is texting you. Distractions
Speaker 3: are a thing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it is a How do I want to phrase this?
Speaker 4: So many thoughts going at once. I feel like I
Speaker 4: have four different colored trains and I need to pick
Speaker 4: which one I want to You're texting them because of
Speaker 4: the loneliness, or you could be right. I'm not going
Speaker 4: to speak in definitives. You could be texting them because
Speaker 4: of the lonliness. Speaking from my own experience, I've spoken
Speaker 4: on this before. I could text anywhere between ten and
Speaker 4: twenty people at once, having multiple conversations going, and that's
Speaker 4: all I would do. I would work, I didn't have
Speaker 4: the kids. I would be on my couch just texting people.
Speaker 4: And it's because I was uncomfortable sitting with myself. Once
Speaker 4: you get to a level of I accept and love me,
Speaker 4: the people that you communicate with, or the people that
Speaker 4: you're texting, or whatever the case may be, becomes an
Speaker 4: enhancement to your life.
Speaker 2: It's not filling a void.
Speaker 1: That was one train. Yeah, you want to hit the
Speaker 1: other three? Are you good?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 2: I said goodbye to them.
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, So here's the way this works, right And
Speaker 3: some of you are doing this in your marriage.
Speaker 1: You're laying there waiting.
Speaker 3: On that secret message to come through so that you
Speaker 3: can get a little bit of a dopamine, because the
Speaker 3: person on the other end is showing you more attention
Speaker 3: than the person that you said.
Speaker 1: I do to right.
Speaker 3: So here you are waiting for that text message to
Speaker 3: get a little bit of a dopamine. Hit your loneli
Speaker 3: as fuck. You get a little bit of distraction, ten fifteen,
Speaker 3: twenty minutes, you are bread crumbing another individual, giving them
Speaker 3: just enough to continue to get them to feed that
Speaker 3: need of I'm alone and desperate right now, and you
Speaker 3: are bringing another human being into your fucked up world
Speaker 3: because you haven't done the work to learn to sit
Speaker 3: alone and love yourself enough. Because when you love yourself,
Speaker 3: being alone by yourself is great. I love being by
Speaker 3: myself because I love me like I can do all
Speaker 3: kinds of fun shit alone. I can go to the gym,
Speaker 3: I can read a book, I can listen to music sing,
Speaker 3: I can dance in the kitchen and no one's gonna know. Like,
Speaker 3: there's all kinds of fun shit that you can do
Speaker 3: by yourself. But you have to enjoy being with yourself ye.
Speaker 3: For that to be a thing, you have to like
Speaker 3: who you are. Yeah, And you are bringing somebody into
Speaker 3: your unresolved pain, right, and you were going to meet
Speaker 3: people that are much further along in their healing journeys
Speaker 3: than you are. And when you do that, you are
Speaker 3: effectively harming another person. And at the time, you may
Speaker 3: not realize you're doing it, and I'm sure they don't either,
Speaker 3: because there's a dopamine that's happening right now. But when
Speaker 3: things fall apart, and they inevitably will. You knew this
Speaker 3: was coming because you didn't take the time in between
Speaker 3: to work on You.
Speaker 2: Repeat that one more time. The hurting each other, You
Speaker 2: were using each other.
Speaker 3: However, you will inevitably hurt each other because you're chasing
Speaker 3: dopamine hits and you're not. You haven't done enough work
Speaker 3: on yourself to truly make something like this work.
Speaker 2: I got it. So the dopamine hits.
Speaker 4: We've heard this a lot, right, And I've even experienced
Speaker 4: this with my borderline when I was younger.
Speaker 2: After a year, two years, I don't know how they
Speaker 2: became this person X y Z, whatever the case may be.
Speaker 4: Those dopamine hits can feed into a fantasy or illusion
Speaker 4: that you're building this person up to who will fail
Speaker 4: the expectations that you're placing onto them.
Speaker 2: Can't live from dopamine.
Speaker 1: Hits, you know.
Speaker 3: And that's why the honeymoon phase exists for a lot
Speaker 3: of people. Yeah, it's because they're chasing things and they're
Speaker 3: refusing to see the red flags in the courting phase
Speaker 3: of things. It's also because people don't take the time
Speaker 3: to really learn each other.
Speaker 1: Guys.
Speaker 3: We have a courting questionnaire on our website. It's free
Speaker 3: if you if you're in a new relationship, if you've
Speaker 3: been in somebody less than two years, even if you're
Speaker 3: in a relationship for less than two years, you should
Speaker 3: download the courting questionnaire and actually ask the questions. You'd
Speaker 3: be surprised at the honest conversations that come about when
Speaker 3: you're not afraid to ask a question, and it could
Speaker 3: really show you very early on, especially if you're only
Speaker 3: courting or trying to get to know somebody, how compatible
Speaker 3: you are with someone, and do it. If you can
Speaker 3: do it before you have sex with them, that's even
Speaker 3: better because there's no you know, physical attachment at that point.
Speaker 1: Yes, the next thing is learning the difference.
Speaker 4: Where you continue on, okay, touching on before having intercourse quitus.
Speaker 2: I'm becoming Sheldon. I like that. I like that word
Speaker 2: so much more.
Speaker 4: There's a there's an energy exchange there, right, And if
Speaker 4: you go, oh, well, no, there's not, there's nothing many
Speaker 4: name near near Those butterflies you feel in your stomach
Speaker 4: when you think somebody is attractive and they actually approach you,
Speaker 4: that's that physical energy feeling.
Speaker 2: Why are you smirking.
Speaker 3: Because those butterflies you feel in your stomach, I'm just
Speaker 3: thinking with my digs, I couldn't resist that.
Speaker 2: Oh you're such a delight in my Life's funny? What
Speaker 2: was I talking to?
Speaker 1: Butterflies in your stomach?
Speaker 4: The energy exchange, right, and then like you finally kiss
Speaker 4: that person for the first time, and there's that spike
Speaker 4: of energy. That's an energy exchange first time that they
Speaker 4: touch you. The kind of emotional and subconscious tie that
Speaker 4: comes from that massive dopamine and oxytocin.
Speaker 2: Release in the brain.
Speaker 1: Yep, yep.
Speaker 4: You may not consciously begin to depend on this person,
Speaker 4: but emotionally, your nervous system recognizes this person as someone
Speaker 4: who can keep me safe just from that one super
Speaker 4: intense interaction with each other and you don't even have
Speaker 4: a life together yet.
Speaker 2: It's a lot.
Speaker 3: They've actually done studies, and I know you know this,
Speaker 3: but for those who are new here, they've actually done
Speaker 3: studies that say that the way that the men's oxytocin
Speaker 3: brain works after orgasm is that we need physical contact
Speaker 3: with the thing that made us come so that our
Speaker 3: brain will recket register I tsk that's where it came from.
Speaker 3: So if you come and go and you're driving home
Speaker 3: listening to music and you're on your phone, your brain
Speaker 3: doesn't know what's happening right now. It's trying to figure
Speaker 3: out where that oxytocin and the dopamine it came from.
Speaker 3: It's important that you guys have aftercare or sexy time cuddles.
Speaker 3: That that shit matters like it needs to happen relatively quick.
Speaker 3: So and again there's been studies. You guys can google
Speaker 3: that shit if you want to. I'm not just talking
Speaker 3: out of my ass anything else.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: The second is learning the difference between missing your ex
Speaker 3: and missing companionship still kind of falls into being alone,
Speaker 3: but there is a difference. Many people don't actually miss
Speaker 3: the person, they miss having someone to eat dinner with
Speaker 3: someone that they can text god warning to someone that
Speaker 3: they can share life with. And if you're honest about
Speaker 3: which one of those you're grieving, you will actually start
Speaker 3: to make healthier decisions. Your partner, your husband or wife,
Speaker 3: should be your best friend. You should have other relationships
Speaker 3: with friendships and ship, but your wife or your husband
Speaker 3: should be your best friend. And if you've built a
Speaker 3: good life together, all of the things that you do,
Speaker 3: you should be doing with your partner. When you no
Speaker 3: longer have a partner and you no longer have that
Speaker 3: life that you've built, you find yourself really fucking lonely.
Speaker 3: Because other people have relationships with their best friend, and
Speaker 3: if they're single, they're hunting for their thing. They're trying
Speaker 3: to find the person that's going to fill the void
Speaker 3: that in their life that you are currently experiencing in yours.
Speaker 3: There's a whole lot of oh God, what do I
Speaker 3: do now? Right? So it's not that you miss the person,
Speaker 3: it's that you miss being able to do all the
Speaker 3: things that you once did with them, and you find
Speaker 3: yourself feeling even more alone because of it.
Speaker 1: Anything on that one, no, all, right.
Speaker 3: Another thing is to stop romanticizing the relationship. Our brains
Speaker 3: are wired to remember the highlights. Everyone will remember all
Speaker 3: of the good times. You'll remember the bad too when
Speaker 3: somebody wants to bring up some negative shit. But for
Speaker 3: the most part, when you think about your past, you
Speaker 3: tend to lean positive polarity in your thinking. So after
Speaker 3: a breakup, we replay the vacations, the laughs, the intimacy,
Speaker 3: but conveniently forget the arguments, the disrespect, loneliness, the incompatibilities.
Speaker 3: And if you find yourself putting your X on a pedestal,
Speaker 3: you need to make a list of reasons why the
Speaker 3: relationship ended and put it somewhere where you can see it.
Speaker 3: It's really easy when you're not hurting to let that
Speaker 3: shit go. So when you guys are going through the
Speaker 3: rough spots, when you're laying in bed at night crying
Speaker 3: about what was going on, and you're really thinking about
Speaker 3: all the horrible things they did, journal about it. Cement
Speaker 3: that shit in your memory. And this isn't about demonizing
Speaker 3: your person or your ex. This is about establishing pattern
Speaker 3: recognition for yourself so that you don't repeat these things
Speaker 3: in the future and that you you can realize that
Speaker 3: maybe you were incompatible with that person. It's just and
Speaker 3: that's okay. So another thing that you should do is
Speaker 3: ask yourself, are you trying to choose or trying to
Speaker 3: be chosen? And I think that matters too. Right, there's
Speaker 3: a whole lot of some of you are are so
Speaker 3: broken that you're willing to accept anything that comes along.
Speaker 3: And that could be a loneliness thing, it could be
Speaker 3: a self worth thing. It could be that the last
Speaker 3: person you were with told you for decades that you're
Speaker 3: never going to be good enough and no one will
Speaker 3: ever love you like I do in all of that
Speaker 3: fucking psychological warfare, and somewhere along the lines, you believed it.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: You obviously believe that to some degree because you heard
Speaker 3: it so much. Some part of you believes that it's
Speaker 3: lowercase true, lowercase te true, real shit.
Speaker 2: Am I about to say this with my full chest?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna say it and then see how I feel
Speaker 4: about it. Maybe I'm a Maybe I'm gonna say it
Speaker 4: with a shoulder. I'm a full chest right. I think
Speaker 4: that people who derive their sense of control in life
Speaker 4: from degrading other people are lower intelligent forms.
Speaker 3: I agree lower Yeah, I'm gonna say it with my chest.
Speaker 3: It's a superiority complex. It's the people in life who
Speaker 3: have never won at anything looking for somebody that they
Speaker 3: perceive as a weaker version that they can bully and
Speaker 3: pick on because it's the only time in their life
Speaker 3: that they can feel superior to somebody else. Because people
Speaker 3: that do that shit only do it to people that
Speaker 3: can't defend themselves.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 3: It's like men who only beat on women, right, it's
Speaker 3: the same concept there. There is a whole lot of
Speaker 3: little boy energy in that. Like, you know, real shit.
Speaker 4: I have experienced weak men who would intimidate weaker women
Speaker 4: and then the moment I show up, they cower down.
Speaker 4: Oh well that's not how I meant it. She took
Speaker 4: it super personal. Na say that shit that you said
Speaker 4: to her to me and see how that goes.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I have actually seen men's energy change when you've come
Speaker 3: into a room too.
Speaker 2: Really.
Speaker 3: Yeah, before even before we dated. Yeah, like there there
Speaker 3: was a lot of people are fake. Everybody had well
Speaker 3: it's the three masks. Yeah, everybody has a way that
Speaker 3: they want to be viewed, you know. But you can
Speaker 3: tell when somebody is not going to tolerate your bullshit
Speaker 3: and you act accordingly. You know, so again you should
Speaker 3: ask if you're trying to choose or be chosen. Someone
Speaker 3: desperate to date again is usually seeking validation. They're asking
Speaker 3: will someone want me? Someone further into their healing journey
Speaker 3: is going to ask, is this someone who aligns with
Speaker 3: my values, goals and the life that I'm building? And
Speaker 3: that is a massive fucking difference in mindset. You can
Speaker 3: you can be looking for mister Wright or mister right now.
Speaker 3: They're not the same fucking person. Yeah, anything on that Nope?
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: Breakups often leave people asking who am I now? Spoke
Speaker 3: about this earlier in the episode. They built routines, friendships, hobbies,
Speaker 3: even their future around another person before dating again. Rebuild yourself,
Speaker 3: rediscover what makes you laugh, find hobbies, strengthen your friendships,
Speaker 3: and create a life that is worth inviting someone into
Speaker 3: instead of needing someone to create your life for you.
Speaker 3: Too many of you are looking for somebody to be
Speaker 3: mister or fix it. Not everybody that's in your life
Speaker 3: needs to be Bob the Builder. Anything on that one, Nope?
Speaker 1: All right. The next one is accountability.
Speaker 3: Every breakup has lessons, even if one person was clearly
Speaker 3: more responsible, Ask yourself. What did I contribute? Maybe you
Speaker 3: ignored our flags, you avoided conflict, maybe you over gave.
Speaker 3: Maybe you became controlling, distant, anxious, or complacent. If you
Speaker 3: don't identify your patterns, you will repeat the with someone new.
Speaker 3: As Adler would say. For those of you who don't know,
Speaker 3: I'm a big fan of ad leering psychology. Adler says,
Speaker 3: our private logic follows us until we challenge it. So
Speaker 3: if you guys have not read The Courage to Be Disliked,
Speaker 3: I recommend that you do. But you should read choice
Speaker 3: theory first. And I have a quote from choice theory
Speaker 3: here as well, and it's that choice theory teaches us
Speaker 3: that we can only control ourselves. So read Choice Theory,
Speaker 3: doctor William Glasser, and then read The Courage to Be Disliked.
Speaker 3: It's got a red paint circle on the cover. It's
Speaker 3: written by somebody with a Japanese name that I'm not
Speaker 3: going to attempt to say good books got.
Speaker 4: I had something. I'm still really hung up on. The
Speaker 4: hung up on the lower intelligent life forms who derive
Speaker 4: their sense of self worth and control from putting down
Speaker 4: other people or even like abusing them. Right, And I
Speaker 4: just keep thinking like that's little baby, bitch boyshit, I'm
Speaker 4: trying super hard to pay attention on form thoughts. Binkie no,
Speaker 4: binkie baby, I know, and I know a temper tantrum
Speaker 4: when I see one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, all right, So for those of you who are
Speaker 3: not watching this live, you can pause this at the
Speaker 3: end of the ease and write these down if you
Speaker 3: want to. I have some journal prompts that I would
Speaker 3: like you to finish the sentences on, and they're easy.
Speaker 3: I know I'm not ready because and then finish the sentence.
Speaker 3: The next one is I'll know I'm ready when, and
Speaker 3: then finish the sentence. One after that is the biggest
Speaker 3: lesson my last relationship taught me was and then finish
Speaker 3: the sentence. And then finally, I refuse to ignore this
Speaker 3: red flag again, and then finish the sentence. The answers
Speaker 3: from those questions are going to reveal a lot about
Speaker 3: your mind state, about the previous conditions of your relationships,
Speaker 3: the things that you tolerated and shouldn't, And ultimately it's
Speaker 3: going to let you know if you really truly believe
Speaker 3: you're ready or if you're just trying to fill avoid
Speaker 3: in your life.
Speaker 4: God one of the because I have borderline. At one point,
Speaker 4: I was super unhealed with my borderline. And there is
Speaker 4: nothing more like gut wrenching and soul fragmenting than recognizing
Speaker 4: that I have used somebody to fill voids in me,
Speaker 4: and now I have to break their heart because I
Speaker 4: don't want to be with them. So now I have
Speaker 4: to decide am I going to end this now? Or
Speaker 4: am I going to continue to pretend to be in
Speaker 4: this relationship with somebody because I don't want to hurt their.
Speaker 1: Feelings all because you were chasing dopamine, all.
Speaker 2: Because I was chasing dopamine.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that was one of those things that I really
Speaker 4: had to come to terms with with the Hellian blaze
Speaker 4: that I created, had to come to terms with the
Speaker 4: way that I affected and even traumatized other people, hurt
Speaker 4: other people, tore down other people.
Speaker 3: It was a lot and a lot of it comes
Speaker 3: from you not being okay with being you. Ye okay,
Speaker 3: I hated myself, right, and that's there's an honesty in that,
Speaker 3: and real shit, there's nothing wrong with admitting that.
Speaker 1: If you can't admit that, how the fuck are you
Speaker 1: going to fix it? Right?
Speaker 3: Yeah, there are also some signs someone else probably isn't
Speaker 3: ready to date yet. So if you are in the
Speaker 3: courting phase and you're talking to somebody and maybe you're
Speaker 3: wondering if they're healed, these are some things that you
Speaker 3: can look for. If they're still checking their excess social media.
Speaker 3: If you go to dinner and that's all they talk about,
Speaker 3: why X did this and I saw today that they're
Speaker 3: dating someone new and it's ruining my day and blah
Speaker 3: blah blah blah blah. They're not mentally over that situation
Speaker 3: yet they're still holding onto strings. And in the event
Speaker 3: that you try and maybe say you really like this
Speaker 3: person and you're trying to do the thing, what happens
Speaker 3: if this person comes back and apologizes, there's a real
Speaker 3: possibility that they're going to fucking dip out because they
Speaker 3: still have love for this person and you're the new
Speaker 3: thing that's that's filling that void of silence, loneliness, and
Speaker 3: dopamine while they're trying to recover their life. If they're
Speaker 3: dating hoping to make their ex jealous.
Speaker 4: Ooh yep, you ew it's bathroom sticky ass shit.
Speaker 3: People be like, well, how would you know that? Well,
Speaker 3: when you go out to a friend event and they
Speaker 3: have a different personality because their ex is there.
Speaker 2: Or they're more flirty and touchy with you in front
Speaker 2: of the ex.
Speaker 1: Exactly exactly what I was getting at.
Speaker 3: If every conversation somehow comes back to their ex, if
Speaker 3: they need constant validation to feel.
Speaker 1: Worthy anything, Um, are you done?
Speaker 2: What that?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: There's more, but you look at you're gonna say something?
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: The next one is if you're if they're looking for
Speaker 3: someone to rescue them from their loneliness. This is what
Speaker 3: are you doing? I'm bored. If you get those text
Speaker 3: messages all the time, you're a gap filler. If you
Speaker 3: get a text message, Hey, how's your day going? I
Speaker 3: miss you, that's a very different conversation.
Speaker 1: Excuse me. Then I'm bored, right right.
Speaker 3: That's exactly what that is. That's exactly what that is.
Speaker 3: Do something court jester, right, yep, dance monkey, Yeah. And
Speaker 3: then the last one is if they're comparing every new
Speaker 3: person to the old one. You find this out in
Speaker 3: the courting phase by the way that they talk. I
Speaker 3: don't believe that those are any those are signs of readiness.
Speaker 3: I believe that those are signs that healing is underweight
Speaker 3: or maybe not even started yet. Those are definitely red flags.
Speaker 1: To mem HM.
Speaker 3: And then on the flip side, signs of readiness do
Speaker 3: look different.
Speaker 4: So before you move on, I would add on to
Speaker 4: that list of not readiness from another person is if
Speaker 4: they sit down with you and they go, my ex
Speaker 4: is my best friend, I would I would stay as
Speaker 4: far away from that as possible.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not. I want nothing to do with that.
Speaker 3: And that's not even an insecurity thing, like honestly it's not.
Speaker 1: It's I'm not doing that.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to die or compete for somebody else's
Speaker 3: attention with you, right, especially somebody that you once were fucking,
Speaker 3: Because I'm never going to trust that you guys aren't
Speaker 3: having sex, Like why would I trust that because you
Speaker 3: say that it didn't work out, Like you guys are
Speaker 3: hanging out together on a Saturday night, going to the
Speaker 3: bar and hanging out until too in the morning, drinking together.
Speaker 1: No fuck that?
Speaker 3: Like yeah, right, no, absolutely fucking not. Absolutely not. So
Speaker 3: on the flip side, signs of readiness do look different.
Speaker 3: They look like you've accepted that the relationship is over,
Speaker 3: that you can think about your ex without an intense
Speaker 3: emotional swing if you find yourself going, fuck that bitch,
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I miss her. Right, it's not you're
Speaker 3: not there yet. Like, that's a very big fucking indicator
Speaker 3: that you're not emotionally on an even keel. You have
Speaker 3: built a fulfilling life on your own. You're no longer
Speaker 3: looking for somebody to come in and fix what you've broken.
Speaker 3: You want somebody that can add to the joy of
Speaker 3: your life that you have already built. Right, I don't
Speaker 3: need somebody that's gonna come in here and take I
Speaker 3: don't need somebody to come in here and try to fix.
Speaker 3: I've got my paradise and it's peaceful, and I want
Speaker 3: to experience this with somebody that's not gonna fuck this up.
Speaker 1: That's the difference.
Speaker 3: You're genuinely excited to get to know someone new instead
Speaker 3: of trying to replace someone old. You know your boundaries
Speaker 3: and your non negotiables, and I'm gonna get going to
Speaker 3: come back to that. If I forget to come back
Speaker 3: to that chat, I need you to remind me to
Speaker 3: come back to the boundaries and non negotiables. The next
Speaker 3: one is you'd be okay if dating takes a while
Speaker 3: because your happiness is not dependent on finding someone new.
Speaker 3: I also think that it's worth addressing the fear of
Speaker 3: being alone, because so many people stay in unhealthy relationships
Speaker 3: simply because they're afraid of not having somebody around them
Speaker 3: all the time. They end up finding themselves in unhealthy relationships,
Speaker 3: rushing into new ones, all because solitude is unbearable. But
Speaker 3: being alone isn't the same as being lonely. Learning to
Speaker 3: enjoy your own company is one of the strongest strongest
Speaker 3: predictors of choosing healthier partners. When you're comfortable by yourself,
Speaker 3: you're much less likely to tolerate disrespect just to avoid
Speaker 3: an empty house.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So to summarize, guys, I mean the gist of this
Speaker 3: is the goal is to find somebody that is going
Speaker 3: to be to enhance the joy of your life. And
Speaker 3: it's not about being quick. It's about quality over quantity, right,
Speaker 3: And and I do remember that I want to get
Speaker 3: into the boundaries and the non negotiables because I'm done
Speaker 3: with the document and there's a whole lot of things
Speaker 3: that we need to cover with that. You, guys, I'm
Speaker 3: a big proponent of lists. I think that you should
Speaker 3: have your division of labor written out so that there
Speaker 3: can never be I didn't know that was my job,
Speaker 3: and I think that it should be updated. I think
Speaker 3: that your division of labor really should be included in
Speaker 3: the check ins on like a bi monthly basis, every
Speaker 3: other month by monthly, so that in the event that
Speaker 3: work schedules have changed, kids got therapy and football now,
Speaker 3: and like there's two or three nights a week that
Speaker 3: one of the parents is at home and like they're
Speaker 3: becoming overwhelmed. You should be talking about division of labor
Speaker 3: and finances regularly. Finances should be a weekly thing. So
Speaker 3: I am a big proponent.
Speaker 1: Of of lists.
Speaker 3: You should the division of labor, pink jobs, blue jobs. Oh,
Speaker 3: another thing somebody would like us to do is revisit
Speaker 3: traditional values. Okay, so that would be another episode Danish.
Speaker 3: If you could put that in the document, that would
Speaker 3: be great. Having those lists. Looks like I won't date
Speaker 3: somebody who plays video games. Every time we make a
Speaker 3: video game clip, the gamers come out of the woodworks
Speaker 3: and fucking shit all over us. The truth of the
Speaker 3: matter is is if you find if you're a gamer,
Speaker 3: and you find somebody that doesn't want to be with
Speaker 3: a gamer, and you start dating them and they bitch
Speaker 3: and complain about you gaming, and like how fucking miserable
Speaker 3: they are because you don't spend time with them. You
Speaker 3: did that to yourself, Yeah, both of you did so.
Speaker 3: Like of, I don't want somebody that's going to play
Speaker 3: games more than one or two nights a week. I
Speaker 3: don't want somebody that's addicted to their phone. If that's
Speaker 3: one of your non negotiables and you go to dinner
Speaker 3: and they pick up their phone four times in an hour,
Speaker 3: unless they've got a babysitter watching their kids and it's
Speaker 3: their fucking babysitter calling, there's no reason for the phone
Speaker 3: to get picked up. And pro tip, if you guys
Speaker 3: are going out on a date, put your phones in
Speaker 3: the middle of the table upside down, and whoever picks
Speaker 3: their phone up has to pay the bill. First person
Speaker 3: touched their phone pays. That's a great way to make
Speaker 3: sure that nobody's on their fucking shit. And then obviously,
Speaker 3: if you guys make it throughout the date and nobody
Speaker 3: picks their phone up, then the men should pick up
Speaker 3: the tab. But that would be Yeah, I think I
Speaker 3: do think that men should still pay for dinner. The
Speaker 3: more you understand yourself, the easier it's going to be
Speaker 3: to understand the things that you're not going to tolerate.
Speaker 3: Those lists look like my ex played video games for
Speaker 3: six days a week from four point thirty the moment
Speaker 3: he got home until the moment we went to bed,
Speaker 3: and we didn't have sex for seven months. I don't
Speaker 3: want that in my life again. I don't want a gamer.
Speaker 3: I don't want somebody that doesn't take care of their
Speaker 3: physical body because I know that if they're extremely overweight,
Speaker 3: their testosterone and estrogen's probably not in balance, they're probably
Speaker 3: not going to have a high sex drive. And that's
Speaker 3: important to me, right, So then you can start looking
Speaker 3: for these things, and the more you understand you, the
Speaker 3: more easily you'll be able to understand the other things.
Speaker 3: Setting your boundaries is not about control, and I don't
Speaker 3: give a fuck what anybody tells you. Anyone that tells
Speaker 3: you that your boundaries are controlling is using you. Yes,
Speaker 3: they have a problem because you have now set a
Speaker 3: fucking standard for your existence that you're not going to
Speaker 3: bend or break to give to somebody else, and they
Speaker 3: can no longer take advantage of you. They're saying that
Speaker 3: I liked you when you are a fucking doormat, and
Speaker 3: now that you have standards, you're controlling. I believe that shit.
Speaker 2: I agree.
Speaker 3: There is a difference between saying telling somebody that they
Speaker 3: cannot do something and telling somebody that I have a
Speaker 3: quality of life that I expect for myself and the
Speaker 3: people in my life, and if that's how you want
Speaker 3: to live, I have to reevaluate my future. That's not
Speaker 3: a threat. That's me telling you that this behavior is unacceptable.
Speaker 3: And that's all there is to that shit. Have a
Speaker 3: great day. You figure that shit out early on while
Speaker 3: you're still courting, and you don't find yourself in fucked
Speaker 3: up relationships because of it. And again, these things need
Speaker 3: to happen before you start having sex. Guys, slow the
Speaker 3: fuck down. You guys need to establish a four date
Speaker 3: and minimum, and I mean real date, not dinner one night,
Speaker 3: Netflix and chill. The next night you're at the apartment
Speaker 3: night three, I mean four actual dates. Go to dinner
Speaker 3: one night, three days later, go to dinner again, four
Speaker 3: days later, go on a hike five days later, go
Speaker 3: somewhere else. Use the time in between those dates to
Speaker 3: think about the conversations that were had think about the
Speaker 3: type of person that you're interacting with, pay attention to the
Speaker 3: way that they interact with other people. Be observant, use
Speaker 3: your cognitive thinking abilities to think about what's going on
Speaker 3: in your life versus thinking about fucking getting dicked down
Speaker 3: or having or throw it back on you. Either way,
Speaker 3: this is a short episode. I don't have I literally
Speaker 3: have nothing else on this and that was forty minutes.
Speaker 3: So I guess my summary of this is, I don't
Speaker 3: think that there's timeframes. I think that you need to
Speaker 3: be doing the work. We could talk about doing the work.
Speaker 3: What that looks like? Okay, do you have anything you
Speaker 3: want to add before before we change the subject? What
Speaker 3: does doing the work look like for you besides the
Speaker 3: non negotiables and boundary.
Speaker 4: Yes, it looks like taking a checks and balance of
Speaker 4: the things you've done in your life. When I started
Speaker 4: doing the work, I had a mental breakdown in my apartment.
Speaker 4: I was.
Speaker 2: In my early twenties, single mom, two under two failed marriage,
Speaker 2: under my belt, two failed relationships after my my failed marriage, and.
Speaker 3: Then I came along and fucking save the universe. They
Speaker 3: call me Super Chris and she calls me Daddy.
Speaker 2: That's good.
Speaker 1: I couldn't help. I had to.
Speaker 3: She told me earlier that I'm the reason that she
Speaker 3: has a neil trauma because I don't even remember what
Speaker 3: I did. And I looked at her and I was like,
Speaker 3: that's bullshit. I'm the reason that you're as healed as
Speaker 3: you are.
Speaker 2: The fuck did you do?
Speaker 1: I don't know. Oh it was I said, I was
Speaker 1: gonna call you by your government name.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, my nervous system that.
Speaker 1: You're like, you're the reason my nervous system is an eeled.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't remember what I was saying.
Speaker 3: You were talking about two under two, two failed relationships
Speaker 3: after the divorce or the failed marriage you had.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Okay, I was sitting in my apartment. I was
Speaker 4: working crazy long hours, got to see my kids less
Speaker 4: than I see them now. And yeah, I was sitting
Speaker 4: on my couch, had Rick and Morty playing in the background.
Speaker 2: I got stupid stoned, and then it kind of all
Speaker 2: hit me once, like a brick wall, like I am
Speaker 2: the common denominator in my life. I am not.
Speaker 4: A victim to the people that I allowed in my life.
Speaker 4: I am the perpetrator of my own suffering. You read
Speaker 4: me an article and this person said, This woman said,
Speaker 4: I don't understand how I keep attracting this type of person,
Speaker 4: And you're not a tracting that kind of person. You
Speaker 4: attract all kinds of people. You just decide which ones
Speaker 4: you're attracted to. You turn people away, you allow people in.
Speaker 4: And if you are noticing a negative pattern of the
Speaker 4: people that you are allowing to infiltrate.
Speaker 2: Your bubble, you don't have a type. You got a pattern.
Speaker 4: And this is the pattern that you are allowing into
Speaker 4: your life for whatever reason. Right, And now we're going
Speaker 4: to look at the shadow of things. If we're doing
Speaker 4: this inner work on the journey, why am I allowing
Speaker 4: people in my life who hurt me? Why do I
Speaker 4: give multiple chances?
Speaker 2: Do I think that I am not worthy of boundaries?
Speaker 2: Do I think that.
Speaker 4: It is unrealistic for me to say that you can't
Speaker 4: treat me that way? Do you, on a certain subconscious level,
Speaker 4: believe that you are less human than everybody else?
Speaker 2: A lot of things to work through.
Speaker 3: Do you believe that you can't love somebody if you
Speaker 3: don't truly love yourself?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 4: Why in order few to truly understand what love is
Speaker 4: and what it means to heal somebody. You have to
Speaker 4: heal and love yourself first, otherwise you don't understand the
Speaker 4: medicine you're giving to other people.
Speaker 1: Believe you can't pour from an empty cup.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and if you have spent your entire life thinking
Speaker 3: that you're not worthy of anyone, and you finally get
Speaker 3: somebody and you think that you are in love and
Speaker 3: you become infatuated, you will tolerate a whole lot of
Speaker 3: things because you believe that this person is out of
Speaker 3: your league and you don't deserve them right, And at
Speaker 3: that point, you're holding on to a hope of something.
Speaker 1: And I agree.
Speaker 3: I don't believe that you can love without loving yourself.
Speaker 3: And I think that a lot of people find themselves
Speaker 3: in the situations that they're in because they don't truly
Speaker 3: love themselves. They tolerate themselves, and it's not the same thing.
Speaker 3: So what else does the healing phase look like?
Speaker 4: I would say that there is a level of isolation
Speaker 4: and containment that has to happen. I took a massive
Speaker 4: break from social media's I was doing a lot of
Speaker 4: attention seeking, posting multiple pictures of myself a day, trying
Speaker 4: to get the likes and the comments and the compliments
Speaker 4: and all those kinds of things. And I had to
Speaker 4: detach myself from the wells that I was seeking affirmations
Speaker 4: from and begin to give that to me because I
Speaker 4: didn't believe anything anybody was saying, because I wouldn't believe
Speaker 4: me when I said it. I was reaffirming that I'm ugly,
Speaker 4: I'm a piece of shit, nobody loves me, I'm not beautiful,
Speaker 4: whatever the case may be. No matter how many times
Speaker 4: you try to put frosting or sprinkles on top of
Speaker 4: a burnt cake, that cake's going to be burnt.
Speaker 2: You can't change it.
Speaker 4: If you don't, If you don't restart the baking process
Speaker 4: with pure ingredients and the correct temperature and all those
Speaker 4: kinds of things, like your thoughts, you will never get
Speaker 4: the end result of actually being able to believe the
Speaker 4: compliments that you receive or the things that you.
Speaker 2: Digest within you.
Speaker 1: Do you realize how much of your power you give
Speaker 1: away when you do that.
Speaker 2: The big validation from others, all of it.
Speaker 3: Right, and on a deeper level, when you think about that,
Speaker 3: like if you are if you're lonely, right and you
Speaker 3: are desperate and you are just trying to somebody to
Speaker 3: validate that you are worth something, and everyone that validates
Speaker 3: that worth something as Captain Sweatpants or they're morbidly obese,
Speaker 3: and you can tell that they don't brush their teeth
Speaker 3: or hair or whatever, and like they are disgusting individuals
Speaker 3: to you. They may not be to somebody else, but
Speaker 3: to you, they are. All of that validation doesn't mean anything.
Speaker 3: It actually further depresses you because the people that you
Speaker 3: are interested in are not interested in you. So in
Speaker 3: putting yourself on the internet like that, and social media
Speaker 3: marketing is very real. When you're posting selfies or like
Speaker 3: if you're posting yourself in new outfits every day, you're
Speaker 3: thirst trapping. You are looking for the validation of other
Speaker 3: people on the internet. You are giving up your power
Speaker 3: to those people. You are putting your self worth in
Speaker 3: the hands of other people. And when the people that
Speaker 3: you're looking to give you that validation doesn't, it makes
Speaker 3: you feel worse. You basically sold yourself for nothing at
Speaker 3: that point. Yeah, yep, it's crazy to think about. I
Speaker 3: want to continue on the healing aspect of things, but
Speaker 3: somebody in the chat and I took a picture of it,
Speaker 3: said that we should talk about when kids are involved.
Speaker 3: So I took a picture of that, and I don't
Speaker 3: want to forget because that's a great conversation as well.
Speaker 3: Okay for me, since you did too, I'll do one
Speaker 3: or two and then we'll go back and forth. I
Speaker 3: agree with the isolation aspect. Put your phone down. You
Speaker 3: are going to do more harm psychologically to yourself being
Speaker 3: on the internet, checking your ex, checking your friends. After
Speaker 3: a real breakup, if you guys had real time together,
Speaker 3: your friend group is enmeshed, and your friends now have
Speaker 3: to choose a side because if both of you are
Speaker 3: going to dinner at different times with those friends, they're
Speaker 3: hearing all of that because you both need a shoulder
Speaker 3: to cry on. So the friends are getting all the
Speaker 3: fucking tea, they're picking up all the energy. There's a
Speaker 3: whole lot ugly there. There needs to be. You need
Speaker 3: to start meditating. I don't think that your healing phase
Speaker 3: begins until you can make it at least two weeks
Speaker 3: without crying, right, And if you're not a crier, then
Speaker 3: that night time laying in bed re playing the events
Speaker 3: of everything is the exact same situation without the purge.
Speaker 3: So two weeks without laying in bed dwelling about what
Speaker 3: the other person may or not may may or may
Speaker 3: not be doing. So for those of you who are
Speaker 3: not criers, that are not emotionally raw, because I know
Speaker 3: people who are in marriages for twenty years and got
Speaker 3: divorced and didn't fucking shed a tear from it, but
Speaker 3: they still people still think about, you know, what could
Speaker 3: I have done better? What are they doing right now?
Speaker 3: Getting mad because they showed up on somebody else's social
Speaker 3: media feed and they're hanging out together. Now you're mad
Speaker 3: about the friend group doing the thing? So isolation, I
Speaker 3: agree with that's that's one of mine, and journaling is
Speaker 3: gonna be another one. And if you can't sit down
Speaker 3: and think of things to journal about, as much as
Speaker 3: I hate to say it, get on chat GPT and
Speaker 3: be like, I just fucking got divorced. I need to
Speaker 3: help processing my emotions. Can you give me the top
Speaker 3: ten journal prompts for overcoming my ex or what the
Speaker 3: fuck ever? And look for a journal prompt that strikes
Speaker 3: a nerve. You need to read it and be like, huh,
Speaker 3: I don't want to do that one, and then do
Speaker 3: that one because something in there needs to be worked out.
Speaker 3: You're avoiding it, and I think that would be the
Speaker 3: second step, so isolation and journaling.
Speaker 1: You need two weeks.
Speaker 3: Without crying or you know, dwelling on the relationship or
Speaker 3: wondering what's going on with that person. And if you
Speaker 3: can't make it two weeks, you're not over them yet,
Speaker 3: You're not even You haven't started.
Speaker 1: Your healing face.
Speaker 3: That that open wound that is bleeding still has a
Speaker 3: tourniqueit on it, and the bandages are still being changed
Speaker 3: until that is no longer weeping weeping, and it has
Speaker 3: started to scab over.
Speaker 1: Your healing face has not started yet.
Speaker 2: I agree with that. I like that.
Speaker 4: I would say the next part is ingesting as much
Speaker 4: mental health and understanding your nervous system as much as
Speaker 4: you can, understanding your traumas, your triggers, why you do
Speaker 4: the things you do, why you allow the things that
Speaker 4: you allow. There is a lot of free therapy on
Speaker 4: the internet, a lot of therapists, a lot of psychologists
Speaker 4: out there who want to get the information out there
Speaker 4: and help the people who cannot afford individual sessions.
Speaker 3: Yeah, my next one will be fine, new friend circles,
Speaker 3: new hobbies. You need to rip the band aid off.
Speaker 3: Real shit block the people block your X. They don't
Speaker 3: need to be seeing what you've got going on in
Speaker 3: your page. You don't need to see them in friends
Speaker 3: photos and being tagged and see them in comment sections,
Speaker 3: and like, all of that doesn't need to be a thing.
Speaker 3: All of the hatred and venom and all the drama
Speaker 3: that comes along with that, if you remove yourself from it, it
Speaker 3: goes away. All of that hatred doesn't impact your life
Speaker 3: until they do something physically to impact your life. So
Speaker 3: like all of the internet nonsense, sixth grade fucking lunch
Speaker 3: room drama, you can literally just step away from that
Speaker 3: and call it a day. So that would be my
Speaker 3: next thing is to block on socials and like actually
Speaker 3: remove myself and find new social circles, new hobbies too,
Speaker 3: learn to love something new that's going to take a
Speaker 3: part of your day to work your brain.
Speaker 2: I want to go back to the meditation thing. I
Speaker 2: learned something.
Speaker 4: So if you recognize that you have a hard time
Speaker 4: meditating and sitting in silence, and the first meditation is
Speaker 4: not about sitting with nothing in your thought.
Speaker 2: It's about being scratch up. It's about allowing thoughts to
Speaker 2: flow like a river.
Speaker 4: Right, You're sitting in a forest, there's a river in
Speaker 4: front of you, a leaf doesn't hit the water, and
Speaker 4: then just sit there. The leaf hits the water and
Speaker 4: you watch it travel until it goes out of sight.
Speaker 4: That's what meditation is. Your thoughts come, they flow down
Speaker 4: the stream. You go, oh, look a leaf, and then
Speaker 4: the leaf continues and it's gone, and you don't linger
Speaker 4: on it. You don't try to force it to stay.
Speaker 4: You're not jumping in the water trying to drown yourself
Speaker 4: catching the leaf. You notice it and it's gone. If
Speaker 4: that's something that you are having a hard time sitting
Speaker 4: and doing, you can get a little tiny sand zen garden.
Speaker 4: So there are studies that have shown that doing the
Speaker 4: zen garden activates the brain the same way meditation does.
Speaker 4: So moving and creating the patterns activates one side of
Speaker 4: the brain, and then the other side of the brain
Speaker 4: activates by trying to feel the textures through the stick
Speaker 4: as you're moving it, and that keeps your your thoughts
Speaker 4: from You can't do multiple things at once, right, It's
Speaker 4: like you can't have resentment and gratitude at the same time.
Speaker 3: That's actually a good good thing. I didn't think about
Speaker 3: the I didn't realize my mic wasn't very close. I
Speaker 3: didn't think about the texture of things with the rake.
Speaker 3: I have always wanted one of those, like I I
Speaker 3: if when we not if when when we end up
Speaker 3: with land, I want a maze and I want a
Speaker 3: rock garden with a big fucking boulder in the middle
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 2: I like that. Yep, we're gonna have a really dope property.
Speaker 1: Eventually all of that shit will come into fruition. I
Speaker 1: believe it. So you got another one.
Speaker 2: Let's see what's my other one? Do I have another one?
Speaker 1: I have one more.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say, you need to start working out and exercising.
Speaker 1: I agree. Actually that wasn't mine, but fucking yes.
Speaker 2: And eating right and getting your gut health and order.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I feel so much better after going back to the gym,
Speaker 3: and like, I know, I'm not a monster anymore, Like
Speaker 3: I'm not lifting heavy at all, but the fact that
Speaker 3: I'm going and doing the work every day. When I
Speaker 3: come home, I feel great.
Speaker 2: You look great. Thank you smell great.
Speaker 1: After the gym. I smell great.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, you know you're my woman because you're like fairmones. Yes,
Speaker 3: my my last one is you. You are in the
Speaker 3: midst of your healing journey when and this is if
Speaker 3: it's being you have to be honest about this. If
Speaker 3: someone can ask you what happened and you can give
Speaker 3: them an answer without blaming your extra trauma dumping, it
Speaker 3: just ran its course. I did X, Y, and Z
Speaker 3: and that was the end of it right there. If
Speaker 3: you can have if you can take real accountability and
Speaker 3: not blame shift about the things that was going on
Speaker 3: in your previous relationship, there's a whole level of peace
Speaker 3: that comes with it, because, like we've said on the
Speaker 3: podcast for almost five years now, which is crazy to say, Yeah,
Speaker 3: you can't change anyone. You're not responsible for somebody else's
Speaker 3: thoughts or their actions. People will always do what they
Speaker 3: believe is best for them. And the at the end
Speaker 3: of the day, when you are facing your maker and
Speaker 3: they say how did you live your life? You have
Speaker 3: to atone for your sins, your actions, the things that
Speaker 3: you paid attention to and all of that everything else.
Speaker 3: Your God's not going to go well, Chris, what do
Speaker 3: you think about your life? Well, God, it was great
Speaker 3: except for all the shit that other people did to me.
Speaker 3: You don't want to hear that shit, right, Other people's
Speaker 3: choices and their catalyst and distortions are theirs. Their polarity
Speaker 3: is theirs. The choices that you make in this life
Speaker 3: is the reason that you're here to live this life,
Speaker 3: to have free will to make decisions. You don't get
Speaker 3: to blame other people for your shortcomings. This is your existence,
Speaker 3: so God doesn't want to hear that shit. When you
Speaker 3: get to the point of being able to be like
Speaker 3: I did these things or you know, it just it
Speaker 3: wasn't right for us, and the relationship ran its course
Speaker 3: and we decided it was best to move on and
Speaker 3: leave it at that without bashing another person. There's a
Speaker 3: whole lot of healing in that.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: There's a difference between faking that shit to try to
Speaker 3: look like you're some fucking better than your ex because
Speaker 3: there are people out there that will do that shit.
Speaker 3: That's why I said it would be better to take
Speaker 3: accountability for your shit. I did these fucked up things,
Speaker 3: and because of that, the relationship failed. I learned from it.
Speaker 3: It's the best that can happen. Like we said on
Speaker 3: the Voice of the Broken, if it's your fault, it's
Speaker 3: the greatest thing that can happen because you can fix
Speaker 3: you can't fix other people. I don't have anything else.
Speaker 3: We got to do the kids talk. Okay, we're almost done.
Speaker 3: We have We're almost to an hour, which is great.
Speaker 3: The chat said, and it was from Danish. She said, Oh,
Speaker 3: how to know when you're ready with children? And what
Speaker 3: should that look like? I actually wanted to read this
Speaker 3: because I wanted to say that when you go through
Speaker 3: a breakup or a divorce and you are processing your emotions,
Speaker 3: you are doing so from a more emotionally regulated mind
Speaker 3: state than a child is child having to bounce between
Speaker 3: houses and having to worry about why mom and dad
Speaker 3: don't like each other anymore, and why the step parents
Speaker 3: can't get along, and hearing all the negative conversations in
Speaker 3: the car when you think they can't hear you, or
Speaker 3: dealing with the broken heart of one parent and the
Speaker 3: aggression of the other parent. There is so much that
Speaker 3: goes on inside of their little bodies that they can't
Speaker 3: even begin to articulate yet, and especially if they're under
Speaker 3: ten years old. You were doing so much damage to
Speaker 3: their nervous system by bringing people around and doing the
Speaker 3: boyfriend thing and having your mood swings and your highs
Speaker 3: and your lows and not emotionally regulating yourself, and your
Speaker 3: children fucking see everything. You may act like they don't.
Speaker 3: You might like to pretend that they don't know any better.
Speaker 3: They fucking know they see it all. You were a child,
Speaker 3: once you remember that shit, You think that because you're
Speaker 3: now the adult, that you're somehow hide in it better
Speaker 3: than your parents did. You're fucking not. Kids become background
Speaker 3: noise when you've been drinking. The ugly that goes on
Speaker 3: inside of their life from the people around them fucks
Speaker 3: with their nervous system and it makes it very difficult
Speaker 3: for them to be able to even explain to somebody
Speaker 3: what's going on because they're in a fight flight freezer
Speaker 3: fawn almost all the time, especially when they feel defenseless
Speaker 3: right or if they're being made to pick sides. There's
Speaker 3: a whole lot of things that go into that. And
Speaker 3: I truly believe that if you were jumping from a
Speaker 3: relationship to relationship and letting people meet your children on
Speaker 3: a regular basis, you're really going to fuck up their.
Speaker 1: Idea of stability.
Speaker 3: Stability right, absolutely absolutely, and you could take it a
Speaker 3: step further, and it teaches them that relationships are willy
Speaker 3: nilly that it's not a big deal to bounce from
Speaker 3: person to person to person.
Speaker 1: Do you really want that for your daughters?
Speaker 4: I want to add onto the conversation of children as
Speaker 4: nervous systems. I'm going to take it as far back
Speaker 4: as children being in the womb and developing the emotions
Speaker 4: and the way that you get heightened and all of
Speaker 4: the things that you go through in your pregnancy is
Speaker 4: building the foundation of what your child's nervous is nervous
Speaker 4: system is going to expect outside of the womb. So
Speaker 4: if you are in constant fighter flight mode during your pregnancy,
Speaker 4: your child is learning in the womb that the world
Speaker 4: outside of my mother is scary and terrifying, and I
Speaker 4: have to be in fight or flight when I'm born.
Speaker 3: There's been a whole lot of studies that are done
Speaker 3: that the birthing process, like the they're so real shit
Speaker 3: even see sections see shall she Shall be Sure Sea
Speaker 3: sections actually affect part of the neurodevelopment of the child sensories.
Speaker 3: I didn't know that, and I actually think that you
Speaker 3: told me and then I did the research on it,
Speaker 3: because it was like, there's no way that being pushed through.
Speaker 2: A birth canal orients your nervous can do that body to.
Speaker 3: A nervous system, right, like if you were born natural birth,
Speaker 3: you once had a vagina stretched over your head.
Speaker 1: Just saying.
Speaker 3: That true. Yeah, like a late text balloon, little comedy
Speaker 3: to ease the tension of the conversation. Yeah, there's a
Speaker 3: lot that goes into that. And you're right, the birthing
Speaker 3: process that creates a whole lot of things. They say
Speaker 3: that the way that your children's nervous system orients itself
Speaker 3: by the time that they are seven years old dictates
Speaker 3: the way that their nervous system will work their entire life.
Speaker 3: So if they grow up watching you get your ass
Speaker 3: beat and they are fearful in the home because they
Speaker 3: never know what Doctor Jekyl or mister Hyde they're going
Speaker 3: to get, they will live in a constant, fierce state,
Speaker 3: like the constant race cortisol levels, like this is going
Speaker 3: to make them this will actually kill your kids early.
Speaker 3: And I'm gonna say they'll die as kids, but like
Speaker 3: they're not going to live as long living with that
Speaker 3: type of fucked up nervous system compared to people who
Speaker 3: have a regulated household.
Speaker 2: The levels of cortisol in the body, that the strain
Speaker 2: that it puts on the heart a lot.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't think that you should be bringing people
Speaker 1: around your kids until you've been with them for a year.
Speaker 3: M h. And if people are like a whole year,
Speaker 3: oh my god, that's so long. I've never even had
Speaker 3: a relationship for a year, then why you got kids? Ooh? Right,
Speaker 3: Like tell me you don't make good decisions without telling
Speaker 3: me you don't make good decisions.
Speaker 2: He said it, and I support it. Do you have
Speaker 2: anything else to add?
Speaker 3: I'm thinking if there's anything that's relevant to this conversation.
Speaker 3: I hope that this has been a good episode. I
Speaker 3: feel like we gave a lot of information. I don't
Speaker 3: think that we've done one of these yet, so we
Speaker 3: are kind of just winging it. We also decided to
Speaker 3: do this like an hour before we sat down, so
Speaker 3: there was not a lot of prep. I just threw
Speaker 3: down a couple of things that I was thinking of
Speaker 3: off the top of my head, and then we free
Speaker 3: flowed it, and I do feel like we did good.
Speaker 3: We tell people on the podcast all the time that
Speaker 3: the biggest decision you'll ever make in life is who
Speaker 3: you choose to marry. And though I agree that is
Speaker 3: the most important decision. I also think that it's tied
Speaker 3: for who you decide to have a kid with. You
Speaker 3: Guys are running around fucking having children's children before you're
Speaker 3: even really capable of taking care of yourself. And this
Speaker 3: isn't a shame thing. I did it, right, we both did.
Speaker 3: This is not a fuck you you're an idiot. That's
Speaker 3: not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that we need
Speaker 3: to be more aware. And there's no amount of prep
Speaker 3: a pair and can give a child because teenagers think
Speaker 3: they fucking know everything and we don't know how to
Speaker 3: talk to them. We somehow forget what it was to
Speaker 3: be a teenager, you know. And there's also the level
Speaker 3: of the kids are afraid to talk to their parents.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me. Your kids
Speaker 3: say that. If you ever hear your kids say that shit,
Speaker 3: you have failed as a parent. It means that you're
Speaker 3: not safe, right. It means that they think that you're
Speaker 3: gonna really fucking harm them somehow, like that's not a.
Speaker 2: Or make their life really fucking hard for.
Speaker 1: Them, right right.
Speaker 3: We reward honesty if the kids do something wrong and
Speaker 3: they don't lie about it. They don't get in trouble
Speaker 3: unless it was something really bad, and there needs to
Speaker 3: be some sort of punishment that happens so that they
Speaker 3: can understand that that fact. But for the most part,
Speaker 3: I'm more concerned about the integrity of their word than
Speaker 3: the behavior of them drawing on the wall or leaving
Speaker 3: their fucking toys outside. They're gonna get new toys. Those
Speaker 3: toys are gonna break one day anyways. They might speed
Speaker 3: it up, and yeah, it could have been expensive, but
Speaker 3: it's their fucking toy. I don't lose it if they don't
Speaker 3: play with it. I bought it so that they can
Speaker 3: enjoy it, and if they break it, they don't get
Speaker 3: to enjoy it anymore. That's choice theory. You did that shit,
Speaker 3: that's the you problem now.
Speaker 2: Yep, money's gone either way, right Yep.
Speaker 4: Our daughter shared something with me I would have never
Speaker 4: known right happened underdad's supervision at a different location. Would
Speaker 4: have never known this has ever happened. And she shared
Speaker 4: with me, Mommy, I watched this thing, and I know
Speaker 4: you don't want me to do that, but I want
Speaker 4: you to know that I did it, and it's because
Speaker 4: I got permission over there to do it, and I
Speaker 4: take a big deep breath on that one, and there
Speaker 4: was a thank you for telling me that I know
Speaker 4: you know better than that I need to take some
Speaker 4: deep breath.
Speaker 3: I remember that situation, and I also remember that there
Speaker 3: was a conversation about why you don't want her watching
Speaker 3: those things. I remember you asking her about a very
Speaker 3: specific scene in that movie that was very tragic. There's
Speaker 3: a whole lot of they understand that it's a protection
Speaker 3: thing and not a because I said so thing. There's
Speaker 3: a real difference when you understand the why, because you're
Speaker 3: going to conduct yourself differently when you understand it. If
Speaker 3: somebody just tells you not to do something, they're violating
Speaker 3: your free will. Right If you understand that the consequences
Speaker 3: of jumping off of a roof and how you know
Speaker 3: you could break your legs, and you do it anyways,
Speaker 3: you knew what was coming. You made an informed decision.
Speaker 3: That's very different than my mom said I couldn't. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and I can respect the decision to jump off the
Speaker 3: roof or not jump off the roof when the information
Speaker 3: is there a whole lot differently than I followed my
Speaker 3: friend because they did it right. But that speaks to
Speaker 3: us and our ability to parents. Right, So all of
Speaker 3: the things that you have done with the children and
Speaker 3: then knowing that they can come to you and have
Speaker 3: these conversations and not get in trouble for it.
Speaker 1: You got to have a real conversation with her over that.
Speaker 3: I actually think that you do need to do that
Speaker 3: parent thing with the kids for a Patreon episode. Okay,
Speaker 3: I think that it should be two separate episodes. I
Speaker 3: think it should be the same, like ten questions. It
Speaker 3: doesn't have to be long, fifteen twenty minutes, just so
Speaker 3: that people can see, at seven and eight years old,
Speaker 3: the way that our children, you know, conduct themselves.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you.
Speaker 3: Know, and not have them on camera obviously for you
Speaker 3: guys who are listening to this. But we can sit
Speaker 3: one of them in my chair, turn the camera, turn
Speaker 3: just your camera on and they can sit here and
Speaker 3: talk into the microphone and be little podcasters and have
Speaker 3: fun with it. They you know, every time you're back here,
Speaker 3: if they can sit in one of the chairs, they do.
Speaker 3: It's it's allowing them to be a part of our
Speaker 3: world in this aspect, and they're also getting to the
Speaker 3: point where you know they're gonna want to start learning
Speaker 3: this ship. Yeah, I don't know, man, this is this is,
Speaker 3: this has been uh this. I do think this was
Speaker 3: a very productive episode. I hope that we've given you
Speaker 3: guys some some good information. If you guys have other
Speaker 3: things that we didn't touch on that you think that
Speaker 3: would be good, leave it in the comment section. If
Speaker 3: you guys can afford therapy, I would recommend going to
Speaker 3: therapy after a breakup, especially if it was a long time,
Speaker 3: especially for men. We tend to stick a cork in
Speaker 3: it and just pretend like shit didn't happen and that
Speaker 3: it'll just go away. Body remembers, your mind may not
Speaker 3: bring that shit up, but when something happens ten years
Speaker 3: from now, it's going to trigger the past that you
Speaker 3: didn't work through and get over, and you were going
Speaker 3: to make somebody else pay the sins of your inept
Speaker 3: ability to deal with your emotions. Danish said, if you
Speaker 3: can't afford therapy, to check out the videos on YouTube.
Speaker 3: Peaches covered that earlier, which is why I added to
Speaker 3: go to therapy if you can afford it. Do you
Speaker 3: have anything else that you want to get into before
Speaker 3: we wrap up? Because I think I'm good.
Speaker 2: I do not I want to go cuddle on the couch.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I'm ready to go to bed and cuddle in bed
Speaker 2: and read my book.
Speaker 1: Sounds get your Amelia Earhart and oh god.
Speaker 2: That book's insane. So many dropped balls, so many miscommunications.
Speaker 3: Somebody asked if you were going to be doing your
Speaker 3: Vietnam book tonight in the discord when we said we
Speaker 3: were going live there, like is this the Vietnam Chat
Speaker 3: or the Vietnam Book? And I was like, nope, that's
Speaker 3: that's different content. We're doing Friday episode. Have you started
Speaker 3: doing your biked with a book on the Vietnam book?
Speaker 2: No, we did? You? Okay, I want to do like
Speaker 2: a hit history segment about Vietnam. We did. Uh, if
Speaker 2: you're talking about like the book, zoom call that that
Speaker 2: came and went, that's done.
Speaker 1: Okay? Was that the Vietnam thing?
Speaker 2: That was the Vietnam book?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, Vietnam request over here at lol, can't wait
Speaker 3: to hear about that book. Well, well, I'm sure that
Speaker 3: we'll start doing some history content. We want to start
Speaker 3: doing more for Patreon. There's a lot of more freedom
Speaker 3: for us to have discussions on Patreon, and I have
Speaker 3: to worry about it, and we have other things that
Speaker 3: we want to do that we can do for Patreon
Speaker 3: that doesn't have any real anything to it, and if
Speaker 3: people don't like it, they just don't watch it. But
Speaker 3: it's not like we don't have to stay on brand
Speaker 3: for that. We can literally do whatever we want for Patreon.
Speaker 1: Guys. Remember you are the author of your own life
Speaker 1: and we will see you one the next one.
Speaker 2: Bye, guys.