WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.000 --> 00:00:09.640 Look up, We've come all the things we do it 2 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:15.240 on the bottom all, Oh wow, is you you're my 3 00:00:15.480 --> 00:00:24.120 favorite view? But that's nothing and we are back. 4 00:00:24.519 --> 00:00:26.879 Welcome back, bumble bitches. Uh. 5 00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:29.039 We are doing Friday content tonight. Today. 6 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:32.640 We posted into the discord and asked some topics for 7 00:00:32.759 --> 00:00:35.280 Friday content and what they would like to see, and 8 00:00:35.359 --> 00:00:37.359 some of the things that we got were they would 9 00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:39.679 like to see the I versus you statement revisited, which 10 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:41.479 I definitely think that we should do, but I want 11 00:00:41.520 --> 00:00:44.640 to prepare for that. I think that we should like 12 00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:48.119 try to come up with scenarios where it's really hard 13 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:51.600 to find the I statement and then try to like 14 00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:55.240 navigate that now. Yeah, yeah, And I think that that 15 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.960 would do really well. The some of the other things 16 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:00.799 that came up was co parent which I really would 17 00:01:00.840 --> 00:01:03.560 like to revise the co parenting episode. A lot of 18 00:01:03.640 --> 00:01:06.040 things have changed in our lives with the co parenting 19 00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:09.879 situation since the first episode, and it's become it's it's 20 00:01:09.959 --> 00:01:12.760 very different and very difficult for people when you have 21 00:01:13.359 --> 00:01:18.000 animosity between households, and like, I think that would be 22 00:01:18.079 --> 00:01:20.840 a good discussion to have. Something else that came up, 23 00:01:20.840 --> 00:01:22.799 which is what we decided to do tonight is the 24 00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:26.879 healing after a breakup and when do I know if 25 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:28.400 I'm ready to start dating again. 26 00:01:29.200 --> 00:01:30.400 I think that's a great discussion. 27 00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:31.879 I think that there's a lot of people that have 28 00:01:31.959 --> 00:01:34.840 listened to our podcast that realized that they were this 29 00:01:34.879 --> 00:01:37.560 way for toical drinking. I don't know if you guys 30 00:01:37.560 --> 00:01:41.000 could hear her drinking, but just in case, I do too. 31 00:01:41.439 --> 00:01:43.280 So there's been a lot of people in our community 32 00:01:43.319 --> 00:01:44.760 and a lot of people that I believe have listened 33 00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:47.640 to the podcast that realized that they were in a 34 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:49.359 shitty situation that they need to be in, whether it 35 00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:52.480 was in compatibility or abusive, or maybe the relationship just 36 00:01:52.560 --> 00:01:54.799 ran its course and they weren't happy anymore and they've 37 00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:56.719 moved on. And I know that there's some single people 38 00:01:56.719 --> 00:01:58.760 in the discord, and I know that, you know, obviously 39 00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:00.480 we hear people all the time. I'm like, hey, I 40 00:02:00.519 --> 00:02:03.280 left my ex he was abusive or she was crazy, 41 00:02:03.319 --> 00:02:07.840 and I'm now single and working on me. I personally, 42 00:02:07.879 --> 00:02:11.360 we personally know somebody recently that is filed for divorce 43 00:02:11.400 --> 00:02:14.159 and is going through it, and I think that this 44 00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:17.240 might help them too. So I have to find the 45 00:02:17.240 --> 00:02:19.719 document though, because I was in here earlier doing voice 46 00:02:19.719 --> 00:02:23.240 of the Broken content, right, and I just put put 47 00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:25.199 together some things and hopefully we can just make this 48 00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:28.039 like a talking thing. Guys, if you haven't yet, make 49 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:29.879 sure that you like the video. If you're new here, 50 00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:31.960 subscribed to the channel, and please share the content. It 51 00:02:31.960 --> 00:02:33.960 really helps us do what we're doing. And if you 52 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:36.199 find value in this, leave a comment on the video 53 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:38.479 telling us what it was that stood out to you, 54 00:02:38.599 --> 00:02:40.520 so that we can get some sort of feedback from you. 55 00:02:41.400 --> 00:02:45.199 So the question is when should I date again? When 56 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:47.080 I think the better question is is who am I 57 00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:50.800 bringing into the next relationship? And I don't mean that 58 00:02:50.879 --> 00:02:53.800 in like, who am I finding to bring into that relationship? 59 00:02:53.800 --> 00:02:57.560 I mean what am I? Who am I bringing into 60 00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:00.840 that next relationship? Most of you don't know yourself. Let's 61 00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:04.520 say you spent five years in a relationship. Two of 62 00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:06.759 it was married, three of it was courting, dating, whatever. Right, 63 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.400 during that five years, you become very enmeshed with another 64 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:13.840 human being. The things that they like are things that 65 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:18.000 you originally tolerated that you then overlooked and just became 66 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:19.560 a thing. And it's a normal part of your life. 67 00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:24.120 So maybe all of the TV shows I control the remote, 68 00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:27.240 right I do, And there's shit that she'll want to watch, 69 00:03:27.240 --> 00:03:29.080 and sometimes I'll sit down and watch shows with her. 70 00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:31.960 But for the most part, I just kind of control 71 00:03:32.039 --> 00:03:33.560 the TV. And when I get feedback, what do you 72 00:03:33.560 --> 00:03:35.479 want to watch? You know, you in fire country tonight, 73 00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:37.479 Sheriff country. You want to watch some dune ranch? Like 74 00:03:37.719 --> 00:03:39.919 what we are we doing? The mob shit right right? 75 00:03:40.360 --> 00:03:42.319 We want drug dealing TV shows tonight? Like what are 76 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:44.840 we doing? So we have a discussion, but we for 77 00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:46.280 the most part, I do kind of pick what's on. 78 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:47.919 I've been watching a lot of The Last Ship lately. 79 00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:51.039 That's been my thing. But knowing that I handle the 80 00:03:51.080 --> 00:03:53.159 television the way that I do, in the event that 81 00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:55.240 I wasn't around here anymore, you would have a whole 82 00:03:55.240 --> 00:03:57.280 lot of shows to catch up on because you would 83 00:03:57.319 --> 00:04:00.479 be in control of the remote again. So you guys 84 00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:06.599 realize that you are not engaging in entertainment for yourself. 85 00:04:06.639 --> 00:04:10.439 You're doing it as a cohesive household where you're trying 86 00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:13.120 to make sure that everything is copesthetic. 87 00:04:13.800 --> 00:04:14.599 Woh good word. 88 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:17.079 We're not trying to have You're trying to keep the 89 00:04:17.079 --> 00:04:19.600 peace in the household. You're trying to make sure that 90 00:04:19.680 --> 00:04:23.000 everybody is on an even keel, so you don't live 91 00:04:23.360 --> 00:04:25.879 for you anymore. You might be able to read the 92 00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:28.199 audio books that you want to read, but even if 93 00:04:28.199 --> 00:04:29.959 you're in the car with your loved one and if 94 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.079 your radio is on, you're listening to things that are 95 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:35.839 mutually agreeable. When we're in the car together, I turn 96 00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:38.199 my audio book off unless I'm starting a new one 97 00:04:38.439 --> 00:04:40.360 that we get to listen to together, because if we're 98 00:04:40.360 --> 00:04:43.360 starting on chapter thirteen of a sixteen chapter book, I'm 99 00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:45.360 not going to recap the last thirteen chapters in this 100 00:04:45.399 --> 00:04:47.759 one hour drive so that I can listen to fifteen 101 00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:50.439 minutes of book right like. It just doesn't work that. 102 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:52.480 Way, which is something I would ask you to do. 103 00:04:52.600 --> 00:04:55.600 I know you would, and for on a seven hour drive, 104 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:58.199 I would gladly recap that book because I could give 105 00:04:58.199 --> 00:04:59.600 you the bullet points and we can move on. I 106 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:01.680 can finish that book and then we can start another one. 107 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:03.959 But just driving around our hour and a half, it's 108 00:05:04.199 --> 00:05:06.639 just not viable. So we get to a point where 109 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:07.680 we forget who we are. 110 00:05:08.360 --> 00:05:08.519 Right. 111 00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:10.319 The whole point of all of that is we begin 112 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:15.240 living for another person and we lose our own identity, 113 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:18.959 and I do believe that independence and relationships. Doing the 114 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:21.480 hobbies and the things that you like is important to 115 00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:25.000 maintain a healthy dynamic between two people. It also gives 116 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:27.720 you things to talk about, right, Like, when you get 117 00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:30.360 super into whatever you're super into, if I'm not super 118 00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:33.240 into that, and we have conversations about our hobbies, those 119 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:35.879 are life conversations that we would have otherwise never had. 120 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:37.759 And if we can get each other involved in each 121 00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:40.240 other's hobbies, that's a super dope thing as well, right, 122 00:05:40.879 --> 00:05:44.680 anything before I move on? Okay, guys, we do record 123 00:05:44.680 --> 00:05:46.800 these episodes live in front of our Patreon audience. If 124 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:48.720 you are not a member of our Patreon or a Discord, 125 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:50.839 I highly recommend that you go check it out Patreon, 126 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.360 dot com, forward slash to be better. We have multiple 127 00:05:53.360 --> 00:05:57.160 tiers men and women's mentorship programs over there. Discord with 128 00:05:57.199 --> 00:05:59.680 over one thousand people in it that have everything from 129 00:05:59.720 --> 00:06:04.120 home studying to homeschooling, to religion and everything. Like, we 130 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:06.680 got a discord that has chats for fucking everything. Our 131 00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:09.000 being is even in there, And if you guys want 132 00:06:09.000 --> 00:06:10.839 to go and check out that community, become a part 133 00:06:10.839 --> 00:06:13.600 of it, and become part of the to be better tribe. 134 00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:16.600 It's a great time to do it, all right. 135 00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:20.040 So when people ask how long should I go before 136 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:22.560 I start dating again, there's no such thing as a 137 00:06:22.600 --> 00:06:23.439 said amount of time. 138 00:06:24.120 --> 00:06:26.560 You could have been somebody who was with you could 139 00:06:26.600 --> 00:06:27.000 have been with. 140 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:30.680 An actual narcissist, not what the Internet calls a narcissist, 141 00:06:30.680 --> 00:06:33.639 but like a true narcissist. You could have been abused, 142 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.079 You could have been There's so many things that could 143 00:06:36.079 --> 00:06:39.360 have happened in your relationship that just made you not okay, 144 00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:41.600 and it could take you a whole lot longer to 145 00:06:41.639 --> 00:06:44.759 recover from that than someone who has. So the question 146 00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:47.639 is not the time that matters, it's the amount of 147 00:06:47.639 --> 00:06:51.920 healing that you have done since then, right, One person 148 00:06:51.959 --> 00:06:54.480 can be ready in three months because they've done the work, 149 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:56.759 and another can still be carrying their ex into every 150 00:06:56.800 --> 00:06:59.120 new relationship they have over the next five years. 151 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:01.759 Keep picking up the scab, it'll never. 152 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:04.800 Hear it's true. That's true, and go ahead. 153 00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:08.160 I also want to relate this to write. 154 00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:11.160 A first degree burn from me cooking is gonna heal 155 00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:13.680 a whole lot different from somebody who suffered third degree 156 00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:15.439 burns on eighty percent of their body. 157 00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:19.279 First that I think needs to happen, as you need 158 00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:23.879 to grieve before you replace. So many of us, you guys, 159 00:07:23.879 --> 00:07:26.839 get into them long relationships five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, 160 00:07:26.839 --> 00:07:29.199 and now you're sitting alone at night, staring at the 161 00:07:29.199 --> 00:07:32.720 fucking ceiling with a cold bed next to you. And 162 00:07:32.759 --> 00:07:34.839 this isn't just for breakups. This could be a death 163 00:07:34.839 --> 00:07:38.560 thing too, write and your life has been shattered. All 164 00:07:38.600 --> 00:07:41.600 of that normal shit that you've done for you know, 165 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:45.600 however long it's been, has your normal. Now there's a 166 00:07:45.600 --> 00:07:48.360 whole lot of oh god, I'm alone. And people don't 167 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:50.360 do well with that shit, so they start looking to 168 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:55.639 feel voids phil to fill voids versus working to heal 169 00:07:56.920 --> 00:07:58.959 before trying to bring somebody else in. And then they 170 00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:01.920 wonder why they find themselves and loops and repetitive patterns. 171 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:07.480 Too many people confuse distraction with healing. It's way easier 172 00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:09.519 to distract than it is to do the work. They 173 00:08:09.600 --> 00:08:12.199 jump into another relationship because they don't want to be alone. 174 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:15.439 The problem is that loneliness doesn't disappear because someone knew 175 00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:19.240 is texting you. That's a distraction, You guys, need me 176 00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:21.720 to read that to you again. The problem is that 177 00:08:21.839 --> 00:08:27.480 loneliness doesn't disappear because someone knew is texting you. Distractions 178 00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:27.959 are a thing. 179 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:31.639 Yeah, it is a How do I want to phrase this? 180 00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:35.000 So many thoughts going at once. I feel like I 181 00:08:35.039 --> 00:08:38.480 have four different colored trains and I need to pick 182 00:08:38.519 --> 00:08:41.720 which one I want to You're texting them because of 183 00:08:41.720 --> 00:08:44.519 the loneliness, or you could be right. I'm not going 184 00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:47.440 to speak in definitives. You could be texting them because 185 00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:50.279 of the lonliness. Speaking from my own experience, I've spoken 186 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:52.320 on this before. I could text anywhere between ten and 187 00:08:52.360 --> 00:08:55.960 twenty people at once, having multiple conversations going, and that's 188 00:08:55.960 --> 00:08:58.200 all I would do. I would work, I didn't have 189 00:08:58.200 --> 00:09:01.240 the kids. I would be on my couch just texting people. 190 00:09:02.240 --> 00:09:05.399 And it's because I was uncomfortable sitting with myself. Once 191 00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:09.000 you get to a level of I accept and love me, 192 00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:12.480 the people that you communicate with, or the people that 193 00:09:12.519 --> 00:09:15.559 you're texting, or whatever the case may be, becomes an 194 00:09:15.639 --> 00:09:16.600 enhancement to your life. 195 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:17.559 It's not filling a void. 196 00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:21.200 That was one train. Yeah, you want to hit the 197 00:09:21.200 --> 00:09:22.240 other three? Are you good? 198 00:09:22.480 --> 00:09:22.639 Oh? 199 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:22.840 No? 200 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:23.840 I said goodbye to them. 201 00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:27.200 Okay, Yeah, So here's the way this works, right And 202 00:09:27.279 --> 00:09:29.039 some of you are doing this in your marriage. 203 00:09:29.559 --> 00:09:31.000 You're laying there waiting. 204 00:09:30.679 --> 00:09:33.519 On that secret message to come through so that you 205 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:35.279 can get a little bit of a dopamine, because the 206 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:37.200 person on the other end is showing you more attention 207 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:38.399 than the person that you said. 208 00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:39.639 I do to right. 209 00:09:39.960 --> 00:09:42.919 So here you are waiting for that text message to 210 00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:45.279 get a little bit of a dopamine. Hit your loneli 211 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:48.120 as fuck. You get a little bit of distraction, ten fifteen, 212 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:52.279 twenty minutes, you are bread crumbing another individual, giving them 213 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:54.360 just enough to continue to get them to feed that 214 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:58.600 need of I'm alone and desperate right now, and you 215 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:01.440 are bringing another human being into your fucked up world 216 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:03.639 because you haven't done the work to learn to sit 217 00:10:03.679 --> 00:10:07.759 alone and love yourself enough. Because when you love yourself, 218 00:10:07.840 --> 00:10:11.559 being alone by yourself is great. I love being by 219 00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:14.559 myself because I love me like I can do all 220 00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:16.600 kinds of fun shit alone. I can go to the gym, 221 00:10:16.679 --> 00:10:19.240 I can read a book, I can listen to music sing, 222 00:10:19.720 --> 00:10:22.279 I can dance in the kitchen and no one's gonna know. Like, 223 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:23.919 there's all kinds of fun shit that you can do 224 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.759 by yourself. But you have to enjoy being with yourself ye. 225 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:29.200 For that to be a thing, you have to like 226 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:33.039 who you are. Yeah, And you are bringing somebody into 227 00:10:33.080 --> 00:10:37.919 your unresolved pain, right, and you were going to meet 228 00:10:37.960 --> 00:10:40.879 people that are much further along in their healing journeys 229 00:10:40.919 --> 00:10:43.399 than you are. And when you do that, you are 230 00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:47.039 effectively harming another person. And at the time, you may 231 00:10:47.039 --> 00:10:49.159 not realize you're doing it, and I'm sure they don't either, 232 00:10:49.200 --> 00:10:52.960 because there's a dopamine that's happening right now. But when 233 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:57.159 things fall apart, and they inevitably will. You knew this 234 00:10:57.360 --> 00:10:59.360 was coming because you didn't take the time in between 235 00:10:59.399 --> 00:11:00.000 to work on You. 236 00:11:00.919 --> 00:11:04.919 Repeat that one more time. The hurting each other, You 237 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:05.679 were using each other. 238 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:08.720 However, you will inevitably hurt each other because you're chasing 239 00:11:08.759 --> 00:11:11.320 dopamine hits and you're not. You haven't done enough work 240 00:11:11.320 --> 00:11:13.519 on yourself to truly make something like this work. 241 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:15.519 I got it. So the dopamine hits. 242 00:11:16.279 --> 00:11:18.960 We've heard this a lot, right, And I've even experienced 243 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:20.799 this with my borderline when I was younger. 244 00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:24.600 After a year, two years, I don't know how they 245 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:27.600 became this person X y Z, whatever the case may be. 246 00:11:28.039 --> 00:11:32.840 Those dopamine hits can feed into a fantasy or illusion 247 00:11:32.840 --> 00:11:35.240 that you're building this person up to who will fail 248 00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:37.840 the expectations that you're placing onto them. 249 00:11:38.440 --> 00:11:40.000 Can't live from dopamine. 250 00:11:39.559 --> 00:11:40.840 Hits, you know. 251 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:43.159 And that's why the honeymoon phase exists for a lot 252 00:11:43.159 --> 00:11:46.000 of people. Yeah, it's because they're chasing things and they're 253 00:11:46.000 --> 00:11:48.279 refusing to see the red flags in the courting phase 254 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:50.679 of things. It's also because people don't take the time 255 00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:51.960 to really learn each other. 256 00:11:52.360 --> 00:11:52.679 Guys. 257 00:11:52.720 --> 00:11:55.000 We have a courting questionnaire on our website. It's free 258 00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:57.000 if you if you're in a new relationship, if you've 259 00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:00.159 been in somebody less than two years, even if you're 260 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:02.120 in a relationship for less than two years, you should 261 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:05.039 download the courting questionnaire and actually ask the questions. You'd 262 00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:08.519 be surprised at the honest conversations that come about when 263 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:11.039 you're not afraid to ask a question, and it could 264 00:12:11.080 --> 00:12:14.360 really show you very early on, especially if you're only 265 00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:16.639 courting or trying to get to know somebody, how compatible 266 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:19.080 you are with someone, and do it. If you can 267 00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:20.600 do it before you have sex with them, that's even 268 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:25.320 better because there's no you know, physical attachment at that point. 269 00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:27.840 Yes, the next thing is learning the difference. 270 00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:33.919 Where you continue on, okay, touching on before having intercourse quitus. 271 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:36.840 I'm becoming Sheldon. I like that. I like that word 272 00:12:36.919 --> 00:12:37.440 so much more. 273 00:12:38.600 --> 00:12:42.519 There's a there's an energy exchange there, right, And if 274 00:12:42.559 --> 00:12:44.639 you go, oh, well, no, there's not, there's nothing many 275 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:48.600 name near near Those butterflies you feel in your stomach 276 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:51.000 when you think somebody is attractive and they actually approach you, 277 00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:54.039 that's that physical energy feeling. 278 00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:55.279 Why are you smirking. 279 00:12:57.159 --> 00:13:07.360 Because those butterflies you feel in your stomach, I'm just 280 00:13:07.399 --> 00:13:13.399 thinking with my digs, I couldn't resist that. 281 00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:16.799 Oh you're such a delight in my Life's funny? What 282 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:17.440 was I talking to? 283 00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:18.759 Butterflies in your stomach? 284 00:13:19.159 --> 00:13:23.759 The energy exchange, right, and then like you finally kiss 285 00:13:23.799 --> 00:13:26.519 that person for the first time, and there's that spike 286 00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:29.840 of energy. That's an energy exchange first time that they 287 00:13:29.879 --> 00:13:35.399 touch you. The kind of emotional and subconscious tie that 288 00:13:35.519 --> 00:13:40.399 comes from that massive dopamine and oxytocin. 289 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:41.039 Release in the brain. 290 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:41.960 Yep, yep. 291 00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:47.320 You may not consciously begin to depend on this person, 292 00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:50.720 but emotionally, your nervous system recognizes this person as someone 293 00:13:50.720 --> 00:13:53.519 who can keep me safe just from that one super 294 00:13:53.559 --> 00:13:55.639 intense interaction with each other and you don't even have 295 00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:56.600 a life together yet. 296 00:13:56.679 --> 00:13:57.159 It's a lot. 297 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:00.080 They've actually done studies, and I know you know this, 298 00:14:00.200 --> 00:14:02.200 but for those who are new here, they've actually done 299 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:04.720 studies that say that the way that the men's oxytocin 300 00:14:04.759 --> 00:14:08.799 brain works after orgasm is that we need physical contact 301 00:14:08.799 --> 00:14:11.120 with the thing that made us come so that our 302 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:15.039 brain will recket register I tsk that's where it came from. 303 00:14:15.320 --> 00:14:18.080 So if you come and go and you're driving home 304 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:21.360 listening to music and you're on your phone, your brain 305 00:14:21.440 --> 00:14:23.559 doesn't know what's happening right now. It's trying to figure 306 00:14:23.559 --> 00:14:26.240 out where that oxytocin and the dopamine it came from. 307 00:14:26.519 --> 00:14:30.720 It's important that you guys have aftercare or sexy time cuddles. 308 00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:34.360 That that shit matters like it needs to happen relatively quick. 309 00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:37.919 So and again there's been studies. You guys can google 310 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:39.639 that shit if you want to. I'm not just talking 311 00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:41.200 out of my ass anything else. 312 00:14:41.919 --> 00:14:42.279 Okay. 313 00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:46.039 The second is learning the difference between missing your ex 314 00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:50.960 and missing companionship still kind of falls into being alone, 315 00:14:50.960 --> 00:14:54.279 but there is a difference. Many people don't actually miss 316 00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:57.000 the person, they miss having someone to eat dinner with 317 00:14:57.720 --> 00:15:00.879 someone that they can text god warning to someone that 318 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:02.720 they can share life with. And if you're honest about 319 00:15:02.759 --> 00:15:05.320 which one of those you're grieving, you will actually start 320 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:11.320 to make healthier decisions. Your partner, your husband or wife, 321 00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:14.039 should be your best friend. You should have other relationships 322 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:16.240 with friendships and ship, but your wife or your husband 323 00:15:16.279 --> 00:15:18.919 should be your best friend. And if you've built a 324 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:21.519 good life together, all of the things that you do, 325 00:15:21.639 --> 00:15:25.639 you should be doing with your partner. When you no 326 00:15:25.759 --> 00:15:28.320 longer have a partner and you no longer have that 327 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:31.919 life that you've built, you find yourself really fucking lonely. 328 00:15:32.000 --> 00:15:36.000 Because other people have relationships with their best friend, and 329 00:15:36.039 --> 00:15:39.279 if they're single, they're hunting for their thing. They're trying 330 00:15:39.320 --> 00:15:42.159 to find the person that's going to fill the void 331 00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:45.080 that in their life that you are currently experiencing in yours. 332 00:15:45.519 --> 00:15:48.320 There's a whole lot of oh God, what do I 333 00:15:48.399 --> 00:15:51.600 do now? Right? So it's not that you miss the person, 334 00:15:51.720 --> 00:15:53.600 it's that you miss being able to do all the 335 00:15:53.639 --> 00:15:56.000 things that you once did with them, and you find 336 00:15:56.000 --> 00:15:57.879 yourself feeling even more alone because of it. 337 00:15:58.679 --> 00:16:00.840 Anything on that one, no, all, right. 338 00:16:00.879 --> 00:16:04.759 Another thing is to stop romanticizing the relationship. Our brains 339 00:16:04.759 --> 00:16:07.879 are wired to remember the highlights. Everyone will remember all 340 00:16:07.919 --> 00:16:11.120 of the good times. You'll remember the bad too when 341 00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:13.559 somebody wants to bring up some negative shit. But for 342 00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:16.440 the most part, when you think about your past, you 343 00:16:16.679 --> 00:16:20.879 tend to lean positive polarity in your thinking. So after 344 00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:23.960 a breakup, we replay the vacations, the laughs, the intimacy, 345 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:28.559 but conveniently forget the arguments, the disrespect, loneliness, the incompatibilities. 346 00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:32.120 And if you find yourself putting your X on a pedestal, 347 00:16:32.679 --> 00:16:34.399 you need to make a list of reasons why the 348 00:16:34.480 --> 00:16:38.679 relationship ended and put it somewhere where you can see it. 349 00:16:38.679 --> 00:16:42.039 It's really easy when you're not hurting to let that 350 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:44.799 shit go. So when you guys are going through the 351 00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:46.919 rough spots, when you're laying in bed at night crying 352 00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:49.039 about what was going on, and you're really thinking about 353 00:16:49.080 --> 00:16:52.240 all the horrible things they did, journal about it. Cement 354 00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:56.000 that shit in your memory. And this isn't about demonizing 355 00:16:56.039 --> 00:17:00.519 your person or your ex. This is about establishing pattern 356 00:17:00.559 --> 00:17:03.440 recognition for yourself so that you don't repeat these things 357 00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:06.400 in the future and that you you can realize that 358 00:17:06.480 --> 00:17:08.880 maybe you were incompatible with that person. It's just and 359 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:12.440 that's okay. So another thing that you should do is 360 00:17:13.440 --> 00:17:17.240 ask yourself, are you trying to choose or trying to 361 00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:20.839 be chosen? And I think that matters too. Right, there's 362 00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:24.079 a whole lot of some of you are are so 363 00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:28.440 broken that you're willing to accept anything that comes along. 364 00:17:29.079 --> 00:17:31.240 And that could be a loneliness thing, it could be 365 00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:33.680 a self worth thing. It could be that the last 366 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:36.440 person you were with told you for decades that you're 367 00:17:36.559 --> 00:17:38.279 never going to be good enough and no one will 368 00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:39.920 ever love you like I do in all of that 369 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.079 fucking psychological warfare, and somewhere along the lines, you believed it. 370 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:45.559 Right. 371 00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:48.720 You obviously believe that to some degree because you heard 372 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:50.680 it so much. Some part of you believes that it's 373 00:17:50.759 --> 00:17:54.920 lowercase true, lowercase te true, real shit. 374 00:17:56.359 --> 00:17:57.920 Am I about to say this with my full chest? 375 00:17:57.960 --> 00:17:58.359 I don't know. 376 00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:00.640 I'm gonna say it and then see how I feel 377 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:03.079 about it. Maybe I'm a Maybe I'm gonna say it 378 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:07.759 with a shoulder. I'm a full chest right. I think 379 00:18:08.720 --> 00:18:13.880 that people who derive their sense of control in life 380 00:18:13.960 --> 00:18:17.759 from degrading other people are lower intelligent forms. 381 00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:22.480 I agree lower Yeah, I'm gonna say it with my chest. 382 00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:26.440 It's a superiority complex. It's the people in life who 383 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:29.960 have never won at anything looking for somebody that they 384 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:33.319 perceive as a weaker version that they can bully and 385 00:18:33.359 --> 00:18:35.400 pick on because it's the only time in their life 386 00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:38.240 that they can feel superior to somebody else. Because people 387 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:40.160 that do that shit only do it to people that 388 00:18:40.359 --> 00:18:41.480 can't defend themselves. 389 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:42.240 You know. 390 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:46.759 It's like men who only beat on women, right, it's 391 00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:49.079 the same concept there. There is a whole lot of 392 00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:54.200 little boy energy in that. Like, you know, real shit. 393 00:18:55.359 --> 00:19:03.519 I have experienced weak men who would intimidate weaker women 394 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:07.319 and then the moment I show up, they cower down. 395 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:09.440 Oh well that's not how I meant it. She took 396 00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:12.039 it super personal. Na say that shit that you said 397 00:19:12.079 --> 00:19:14.119 to her to me and see how that goes. 398 00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:14.480 Yeah. 399 00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:16.960 I have actually seen men's energy change when you've come 400 00:19:17.000 --> 00:19:17.799 into a room too. 401 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:18.559