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<v Speaker 1>Hi everyone, and welcome to the Best Ever Youth Show.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm your host, Elizabeth Hamilton Garno here with the marvelous

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<v Speaker 1>Terry Cole, the author of multiple books. Her latest one

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<v Speaker 1>is called too Much. We're going to be talking about that,

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<v Speaker 1>but Terry, welcome to the sixteenth season of The Best

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<v Speaker 1>Ever You Show. Can you believe that?

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<v Speaker 2>Wow? Congratulations and Elizabeth, good for you.

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<v Speaker 1>It's right here, all in the office here with all

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<v Speaker 1>tiny kids. Now they're all grown up. But I want

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<v Speaker 1>to do take a moment, as I was telling you,

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<v Speaker 1>just a serious moment for a second. Mel the podcast

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<v Speaker 1>kitty has passed away, and I put him in you,

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<v Speaker 1>I put my heart. I put a video out on

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<v Speaker 1>Friday and Saturday and Sunday too, I think. But she

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<v Speaker 1>was lovely, a lovely cat that we rescued down in Kittery, Maine.

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<v Speaker 1>And I smile because she would want me to smile.

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<v Speaker 1>I think she was just so pretty and she lived

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<v Speaker 1>in here, and she was a feral cat, and we

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<v Speaker 1>just applied love. You know how you applied love to

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<v Speaker 1>a faral cat and they turn into just your love.

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<v Speaker 1>That was Mel, and she loved our guests and Terry.

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<v Speaker 1>She would have loved you right about there, and she

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<v Speaker 1>would listen. She was like her own master life coach

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<v Speaker 1>in a way.

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<v Speaker 2>So let's just say that we're calling in the spirit

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<v Speaker 2>of mel right now to be with us during our

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<v Speaker 2>podcast experience.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, thank you very much for that. And I know

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<v Speaker 1>you like you have a rescue You said you had

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<v Speaker 1>a rescue pitbull. I do special. That's a special breed

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<v Speaker 1>to rescue as well. Right.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, she was a baby though, so it's a little

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<v Speaker 2>bit easier than you know. So we had her sense

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<v Speaker 2>of puppy. She's turning two in October.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, so cute. So thank you for being here. I

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<v Speaker 1>know the best ever you network is going to love you.

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<v Speaker 1>I wanted to just start everybody. I always say the

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<v Speaker 1>website up upfront, So we go to Terrycole dot com.

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<v Speaker 1>It's spelled t E r R I c O l

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<v Speaker 1>E dot com and right off the bat you can

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<v Speaker 1>go get a free gift. Well to mention it at

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<v Speaker 1>the end too. Maybe a few times actually get you

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<v Speaker 1>all over to Terry's website. But if you type in

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<v Speaker 1>Terrycole dot com slash HFC, she's got a gift for you.

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<v Speaker 1>Tell us about all about it. Terry.

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<v Speaker 2>Sure, it is a gift for a high functioning codependency.

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<v Speaker 2>So that's what my last book was about. And in

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<v Speaker 2>this little toolkit, I discreted a high functioning codependency toolkit

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<v Speaker 2>because there's usually we talk about so much that can

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<v Speaker 2>be overwhelming. So I have a video and a PDF

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<v Speaker 2>called Simplify and Do Less. I'm also in there that

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<v Speaker 2>package is a self love Meditation and the Power of

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<v Speaker 2>No Meditation, and also a link if you want to

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<v Speaker 2>go by the book Beautiful.

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<v Speaker 1>Now I saw you, I was like, oh, I've got

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<v Speaker 1>to have her on the show. Please, please please. I

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<v Speaker 1>saw you on Good Morning America. I think that was

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<v Speaker 1>the coolest thing ever. I'm like a colleague is right there.

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<v Speaker 1>I was so proud of you in that moment.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>I hope you could hear me screaming because my husband's like,

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<v Speaker 1>what are you doing. I'm like, she's on.

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<v Speaker 2>I was so nervous, but thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh was that just so much fun?

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<v Speaker 2>So much fun?

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<v Speaker 1>You're racking or just every big cool No.

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<v Speaker 2>It was so much fun. I had a fun an

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<v Speaker 2>interesting experience that was like that. Because that was a

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<v Speaker 2>few years ago. Now, that was one of the biggest

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<v Speaker 2>shows that I had done, and I like blanked out

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<v Speaker 2>for a second, like which I had never had happened

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<v Speaker 2>to me ever, Like, and I've done tons of television,

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<v Speaker 2>but this was a big show, you know. And she

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<v Speaker 2>asked me a question. I had just slowly repeated the

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<v Speaker 2>question and then the answer came and I was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>thank god. And I did not watch that video of

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<v Speaker 2>me on that show for about two months, like I couldn't.

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<v Speaker 2>My team was like, no, you look normal, what are

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<v Speaker 2>you talking about? And I was like, I thought I

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<v Speaker 2>looked like a deer in the headlights. But when I

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<v Speaker 2>did finally watch it, it was fine. It's amazing what's

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<v Speaker 2>happening on the inside of your body can be very

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<v Speaker 2>different than what's happening to the outside world.

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<v Speaker 1>You know. Yeah, I know. I was really really proud

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<v Speaker 1>of you, and I think those moments are just are

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<v Speaker 1>so important for us as authors to It just gives you.

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<v Speaker 1>It shines a little spotlight on all your hard work

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<v Speaker 1>and everything that you've been doing. And because it's not easy,

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<v Speaker 1>especially during the pandemic and after, to just kind of

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<v Speaker 1>sit alone here in our offices and write books and

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<v Speaker 1>do podcasts and do all these things, and so do

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<v Speaker 1>you get a little lonely every once in a while.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, I'm grateful that I live with my husband

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<v Speaker 2>and my chickens and my geese and my dog, so there,

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<v Speaker 2>and I live near my closest sister, so work wise,

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<v Speaker 2>and I have a great team that you know, So

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<v Speaker 2>I'm interacting with people all day, but I do love

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<v Speaker 2>to get out and travel. I make sure that, like

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to LA in my two weeks where I'm

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<v Speaker 2>going out to do some podcasts, and I make sure

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<v Speaker 2>that I socialize enough because I really am a social person.

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<v Speaker 2>So when I'm writing a book, I find that becomes

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<v Speaker 2>very isolating even though I'm doing you know, someone on

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<v Speaker 2>my team is helping me. I've got, you know, an

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<v Speaker 2>editor who's helping me. But it's still like that is

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<v Speaker 2>like lone wolf work for me writing books, And I

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<v Speaker 2>know you have your own experience of that. For a

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<v Speaker 2>social gal and for an extrovert book writing, Wow, it's

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<v Speaker 2>like the least natural thing to do in the world

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<v Speaker 2>because I just wanted to be done everything to be

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<v Speaker 2>done by committee, you know what I mean?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I hear you. Yeah, I'm kind of the same way.

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<v Speaker 1>I sometimes have to force myself to be like super extroverted.

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<v Speaker 1>But you know, I get what you're saying, though. It's like, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm really laser focused in on this process. Got to

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<v Speaker 1>kind of be quiet and not a lot of distractions

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<v Speaker 1>and things like that. I actually, I actually just started

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<v Speaker 1>teaching gymnastics and for all the little kids, and it

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<v Speaker 1>is so much fun. I'm in my third week now,

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<v Speaker 1>and that has kind of helped a little bit, just

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<v Speaker 1>to just to get out there and do things a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit more stuff. So yeah, but we do leave,

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<v Speaker 1>so I heard you travel. We leave the East Coast

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<v Speaker 1>actually and leave for the winter and go down to

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<v Speaker 1>South Carolina for three months. Do you ever do anything

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<v Speaker 1>like that? We started doing this in COVID. We're like,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, we can work from anywhere.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's funny. We've been talking about it, but it's

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<v Speaker 2>hard when you have barnyard animals.

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<v Speaker 1>Yep. Yeah. One of our older sons stays here with

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<v Speaker 1>his dog and takes care of the cats. So I know,

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<v Speaker 1>I know, I get the same thing. I worry about

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<v Speaker 1>him the whole time too. So what I wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>talk about is thank you for the personal personal side

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<v Speaker 1>of things too. I want to go kind of professional

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<v Speaker 1>on you a little bit here, because you didn't always

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<v Speaker 1>do what you do now, And if you could for me,

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<v Speaker 1>We've got a lot of young listeners, can you kind

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<v Speaker 1>of I almost want you to take us back to kindergarten.

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<v Speaker 1>I always ask I always ask our guests what they

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<v Speaker 1>are like in kindergarten. Take us there, but then jump

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit. I really would love to hear your

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<v Speaker 1>career path because I think one of the things I'm

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<v Speaker 1>noticing as people people think, especially kids, they think they're

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<v Speaker 1>supposed to have like all figured out at age seven,

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<v Speaker 1>graduating high school and I'm going to college and I

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<v Speaker 1>know what I'm going to do, and oh man, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I just I told our kids, I'm like, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>let it simmer, let it percolate, let it do. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>your own thing to get a feel for the world.

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<v Speaker 1>Because yeah, all right.

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<v Speaker 2>So if I went all the way back, I would

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<v Speaker 2>say in kindergarten, I had a crush. I'm Billy Roth

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<v Speaker 2>that I remember very distinctly. I was always I was

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<v Speaker 2>always interested in boys, even as a little kid, which

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<v Speaker 2>is funny. I when someone asked me in third grade

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<v Speaker 2>what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said,

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<v Speaker 2>I wanted to be a stripper and a bilingual secretary.

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<v Speaker 2>So that was an eight year old's answer. I don't

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<v Speaker 2>even know how I knew either one of those things,

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<v Speaker 2>but no idea. I'm like, okay, but what you know

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<v Speaker 2>for me going to school? You know, It's like I

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<v Speaker 2>feel like there was a lot of things that happened

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<v Speaker 2>in my life in a haphazard way. I was the

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<v Speaker 2>youngest of four sisters, and I was the first one

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<v Speaker 2>to go to college in my family. Now my father

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<v Speaker 2>went to college as well, but I mean of my sisters,

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<v Speaker 2>and so there wasn't like some great master plan like today,

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<v Speaker 2>like parents are so involved. It was I think it

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<v Speaker 2>was April of my senior year of high school and

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<v Speaker 2>a guidance counselor who was not even my own, said

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<v Speaker 2>are you going to college? And I said, well, I

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<v Speaker 2>haven't applied to any yet. He was like, do you

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<v Speaker 2>have someone who can pay for college? I said I do,

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<v Speaker 2>and I was very lucky and privileged that my father

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<v Speaker 2>had saved money. And he said, come in my office

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<v Speaker 2>and we applied to colleges right there. That's how I

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<v Speaker 2>ended up going to my undergraduate at Long Island University.

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<v Speaker 2>He chose colleges that you know that basically would accept anybody,

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<v Speaker 2>no offense to me. So I'm not saying it was

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<v Speaker 2>the greatest school, but you know, then I did my

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<v Speaker 2>master's at NYU, so I feel like I made up

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<v Speaker 2>for it. But I was very much in love with

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<v Speaker 2>life all of my life as a little kid. I

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<v Speaker 2>was a kid who was not supposed to be born

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<v Speaker 2>because I was my mother's fourth cesarean section. I was

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<v Speaker 2>born in nineteen sixty four and sixty one, and back

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<v Speaker 2>then they were like, the way that they did cesareans

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<v Speaker 2>was like they cut your whole body open. So they

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<v Speaker 2>were like, we don't think you're going to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to carry this pregnancy to term. And she was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I think I will, but thanks for your advice. So

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<v Speaker 2>they wanted her to a boorn and she was like,

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<v Speaker 2>no thanks. And then I was the you know, this

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<v Speaker 2>is this is these are the stories. This is the

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<v Speaker 2>lure that I was the only one who is breastfed,

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<v Speaker 2>that I was the first one to go to college.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, all of these stories that I heard about myself.

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<v Speaker 2>But what my memories are is that my sisters like

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<v Speaker 2>loved me, you know, and even when they were with

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<v Speaker 2>their friends. They would want me to come with them.

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<v Speaker 2>The friends would be like in Terry Cumbe, they'd be

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<v Speaker 2>like sure. My mother was very attuned to me as

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<v Speaker 2>a child, and so I can remember my earliest memories

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<v Speaker 2>or my mother like bending all the way down and

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<v Speaker 2>being like, what are you saying? You don't know? You

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<v Speaker 2>don't want to wear that sweater? It's scratchy, you don't

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<v Speaker 2>like that, you don't have to wear it? All right,

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<v Speaker 2>we'll just change It's okay. Like So I grew up

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<v Speaker 2>believing with women in particular, that what I think, how

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<v Speaker 2>I feel, and what I want should matter if these

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<v Speaker 2>people are going to be important people in my life.

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<v Speaker 2>On the juxtaposition of that was my relationship with my father,

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<v Speaker 2>who was a very successful, white collar guy from a

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<v Speaker 2>very poor background. So him doing well was a big

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<v Speaker 2>deal and he should have had sons and I was

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<v Speaker 2>his last chance for a son, but I was a daughter,

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<v Speaker 2>so I had the wrong gender vibe going and I

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<v Speaker 2>was doing a lot of proving that I could be

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<v Speaker 2>more successful than any stupid son he could have had.

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<v Speaker 2>So there was a lot of that. And so my

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<v Speaker 2>latest book that comes out next September of twenty six

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<v Speaker 2>is about father wounds. No, that makes sense because I

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<v Speaker 2>grew up with a father wound. Ye and so many

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<v Speaker 2>of my clients as well.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>So back to you want me to go back to career,

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<v Speaker 2>you know.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you know, we have stopped. So we have so

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<v Speaker 1>much in common. In a way, I like my parents

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit different. But it's in one of my

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<v Speaker 1>books too. My parents got divorced at a really young age,

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<v Speaker 1>and then my dad, who who was my dad, was

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<v Speaker 1>my dad forever from like about age three. Amazing, amazing,

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<v Speaker 1>amazing human. But I'm in the middle of kids, and boy,

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<v Speaker 1>my fast eater. But my mom did the same thing.

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<v Speaker 1>My mom was so cool. My my ID never call

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<v Speaker 1>him stepfather. But my father was amazing too, So I

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<v Speaker 1>had two really cool parents eventually started about age three.

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<v Speaker 1>But otherwise it would have been a small nightmare.

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<v Speaker 2>But that secure attachment to your mother, yes, and my

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<v Speaker 2>own secure attachment to my mother always made me feel

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<v Speaker 2>like it set me up to do what I do

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<v Speaker 2>in life, because I always felt like there was enough love.

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<v Speaker 2>Not for my father, but I was so inundated with

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<v Speaker 2>positive regard from my mother and my sisters that I

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<v Speaker 2>just grew up thinking, not thinking I was effingingrat, just

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<v Speaker 2>thinking I was valuable, just thinking I was a worthy

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<v Speaker 2>person and that hopefully I could add value to the

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<v Speaker 2>world in some way, And so I ended up. My

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<v Speaker 2>first career was in entertainment, where I was, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>I became very successful at a young age. I was

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<v Speaker 2>running a bi coastal talent agency in New York. I

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<v Speaker 2>was thirty one, I think, and you know, I was

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<v Speaker 2>literally it was celebrities and supermodels. I was negotiating contracts

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<v Speaker 2>with lawyers, even though I wasn't a lawyer. But that

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<v Speaker 2>was my job and I loved it until I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>and I got too healthy. Right, There was a parallel

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<v Speaker 2>process of my own psychological evolution in therapy. I started

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<v Speaker 2>therapy at nineteen, quit drinking at twenty one. I was

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<v Speaker 2>still in college when I stopped drinking, and I was

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<v Speaker 2>a huge drinker. From twelve to twenty one. I did

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of drinking, very a lot of addiction within

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<v Speaker 2>my family. And through therapy, I had this massive realization

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<v Speaker 2>about my career, like it just started happening naturally, where

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<v Speaker 2>I just didn't care about the movie deal or the

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<v Speaker 2>Panteen deal. All I cared about was the mental health

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<v Speaker 2>of the models and the celebrities that I was working with.

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<v Speaker 2>I was getting everyone into therapy, eating disorder clinics, druggery

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<v Speaker 2>in clinics. Like long before I was a therapist, I

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<v Speaker 2>was doing this, and so I just realized, yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Cat compassion.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's you know, it's interesting though where to make.

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<v Speaker 2>The decision to leave was obviously a defining moment to

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<v Speaker 2>leave entertainment and to go to NYU to become a

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<v Speaker 2>clinical social worker. Basically, my father was like, what the

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<v Speaker 2>effort you're doing? Like why what is going on? And

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<v Speaker 2>I said, you know, dad, I'm actually not happy in

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<v Speaker 2>this industry, Like I had become too mentally healthy to

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<v Speaker 2>stay in entertainment because it was so misogynistic and a

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<v Speaker 2>million bad things obviously, and he literally said, sounds weird.

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<v Speaker 2>That's what he said, sounds weird. I was like, well,

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<v Speaker 2>good thing for you. I don't need anything from you.

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<v Speaker 2>So yeah, and then I went on to get this

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<v Speaker 2>education that I absolutely love. This second I started going

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<v Speaker 2>to school, I was like, yeah, this is my destiny,

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<v Speaker 2>without a doubt. And that was in nineteen ninety seven.

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<v Speaker 2>I graduated.

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<v Speaker 1>I love it. Yeah. I quit the financial services industry

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<v Speaker 1>started best ever You and everybody did the same thing,

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<v Speaker 1>like what are you doing?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>Really seriously, and I'm like, well, I've got this vision

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<v Speaker 1>that I'm supposed to do something else. Same quite honestly,

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<v Speaker 1>And for me, it was really feeling like I couldn't

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<v Speaker 1>be like seven people at once. For me, it was

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<v Speaker 1>like having four small children at home trying to hold

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<v Speaker 1>down a job, then do their sports and do this

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<v Speaker 1>and do that. I'm like, you know, I need to

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<v Speaker 1>be like seven clones. I can't do this. And that

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<v Speaker 1>was with my helping and everything, because my husband's amazing

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<v Speaker 1>and we were both like wow. So we both ended

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<v Speaker 1>up quitting our jobs in a way and working from

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<v Speaker 1>home the whole time the kids were so we never

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<v Speaker 1>missed anything. We felt like if we kept going, we

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<v Speaker 1>were going to miss things and it was going to

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<v Speaker 1>be not good. So we've always worked from home and things.

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<v Speaker 2>Like that and so amazing.

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<v Speaker 1>Interesting. Yeah, but between us, I think you and I

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<v Speaker 1>we have. What I'm hearing is if I do my

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<v Speaker 1>math right, which I'm not so good at me. Seven

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<v Speaker 1>we have seven kids, seven boys between us. Yes, we

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<v Speaker 1>need to do a boy podcast podcast about boys, oh much?

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<v Speaker 2>Seriously?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, so, yeah, how old are yours?

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<v Speaker 2>My kids are in their forties now. I love it.

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<v Speaker 2>So when I came in as a bonus mom, right

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<v Speaker 2>because their their mom died when they were little kids.

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<v Speaker 2>So my husband was widowed when he was twenty nine

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<v Speaker 2>with a five to three and a one year old.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh wow.

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<v Speaker 2>And then I came in about twelve years later. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>So he did a lot of solo parenting. He had

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<v Speaker 2>a terrible second marriage that was totally brutal, that wiped

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<v Speaker 2>him out financially.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>And somehow my husband, through all of this still managed

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<v Speaker 2>to be an incredibly successful political artist that he still

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<v Speaker 2>is today, had a massive career somehow. I don't know how.

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<v Speaker 2>He just never slept for those years because he would

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<v Speaker 2>work while the kids were sleeping. He would work, Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>and then during the day he would clean the house

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<v Speaker 2>and wash the clothes and make food. And I have

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<v Speaker 2>seven grand babies now too.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow, that's amazing. And boys, girls.

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<v Speaker 2>Grand babes. We actually have two girls and then the

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<v Speaker 2>rest of them are boys. So many freaking boys. But

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<v Speaker 2>it's funny. I grew up in a family of girls,

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<v Speaker 2>and so it's it's interesting coming into a family of boys.

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<v Speaker 2>When I knew nothing. It was like I skipped the

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<v Speaker 2>terrible twos and I just went headfirst into the terrifying

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<v Speaker 2>teens because that was the situation. And I was so

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<v Speaker 2>in love with my husband that I thought he could

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<v Speaker 2>have forty four teenagers. I do not care, like love

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<v Speaker 2>is will find a way, buddy, Like It's all fine.

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<v Speaker 2>And of course it was a crap ton of hard work,

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<v Speaker 2>right and family therapy and all the things that you do.

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<v Speaker 2>But the thing is, to this day, my worst day

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<v Speaker 2>with Vic and the boys is better than any other day.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh I love that. Yeah, I totally agree with you. Yep,

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<v Speaker 1>I love it. I love it. I love it and

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<v Speaker 1>that I can't imagine a worst day and these are

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<v Speaker 1>all pretty beautiful. So right, yeah, now, were you a model?

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<v Speaker 1>I'm looking at you and you look like you're a

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<v Speaker 1>supermodel in your own right.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, thank you?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Oh my god, you're so beautiful and I love

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<v Speaker 1>your girl energy. I can tell you're a huge supporter

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<v Speaker 1>of other girls. I can just feel that vibe. I'm like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I love yeah, not a mean girl at all. So

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<v Speaker 1>thank you for being the way you are, because it's

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<v Speaker 1>so cool and that neat when we love each other

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<v Speaker 1>instead of like, yes.

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<v Speaker 2>I never and I don't identify with that at all, Elizabeth.

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<v Speaker 2>When people talk about, well, you know how mean women

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<v Speaker 2>are to each other, I'm like, I don't. Yeah, I

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<v Speaker 2>literally don't. I've had the same friend since Nixon was

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<v Speaker 2>in office. This seven friends since I was five, and

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<v Speaker 2>a million other friends along the way. But I've had

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<v Speaker 2>the most supportive women in my life. And I always

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<v Speaker 2>talk about this that my girlfriends, my sisters are as

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<v Speaker 2>essential to my happiness as my husband and my children

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<v Speaker 2>and my grandchildren, like literally as essential. I travel with

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<v Speaker 2>my friends still. We all turned sixty year and a

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<v Speaker 2>half ago, and so we went on a big, massive

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<v Speaker 2>vacation just the girls. We didn't bring our husbands, just us,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, Like that's a part of my identity too,

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<v Speaker 2>is being a part of a tribe of women so

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<v Speaker 2>important to me.

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<v Speaker 1>And we have four there's four of us that have

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<v Speaker 1>hung out since we were ready. Betty, we just got

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<v Speaker 1>in a zoom the other day and A're like, we

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<v Speaker 1>need to go somewhere, yes, So where do you guys

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<v Speaker 1>go when you take a trip that my Puerto Rico

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<v Speaker 1>overseas I'm.

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<v Speaker 2>Like, okay, whatever, right, Puerto Rico Costa Rica and then

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<v Speaker 2>we then we gather throughout the year too. So a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of my friends live down the Jersey Shore. I

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<v Speaker 2>grew up in Jersey, so I just get I literally

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<v Speaker 2>just got back from I handed in my manuscript of

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<v Speaker 2>my book. My husband was going to Quantico to do

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<v Speaker 2>some kind of work with the military because he draws

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<v Speaker 2>live wars for whatever reason. And I left my house

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<v Speaker 2>and went down the shore to see my girlfriends. I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, this is how I want to celebrate.

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<v Speaker 1>That's so fun. All right, I'm pivoting again. How how

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<v Speaker 1>do we go from all of that to like the

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<v Speaker 1>topic like codependency, Like what what's the draw Where's that

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<v Speaker 1>coming from? Because that's a that's a word. There's a

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<v Speaker 1>couple of words that people throw around, and I am

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<v Speaker 1>always cautious. I'm like, please don't throwd around anxiety, narcissism

402
00:20:46.200 --> 00:20:51.960
<v Speaker 1>and codependently codependency. Lately they get like used in everyday conversation,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm like, we need to know what these words like,

404
00:20:54.319 --> 00:20:58.519
<v Speaker 1>even me, Yes, So yeah, take it away.

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<v Speaker 2>So let's let's start with right the way that the

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<v Speaker 2>trajectory happened about the topics that I write about. So

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<v Speaker 2>my first book is called Boundary Boss, and it was

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<v Speaker 2>about women and boundaries. Why don't we know what they are?

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<v Speaker 2>Why don't we know how to set them? Why don't

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<v Speaker 2>we know how to enforce them? Why are they so terrifying?

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<v Speaker 2>Why is it a language we are not fluent in help? Right?

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<v Speaker 2>And I knew there is no definable there's no book

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<v Speaker 2>that makes it easy where you just go because people

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<v Speaker 2>talk about boundaries, but nobody knows what the hell it means.

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<v Speaker 2>So I changed. I just made the definition be what

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<v Speaker 2>I think it is, which is which is your boundaries? Right?

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<v Speaker 2>I want you to think about your boundaries as your

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<v Speaker 2>own personal rules of engagement that let other people know

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<v Speaker 2>what is okay with you and what is not okay

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<v Speaker 2>with you. That's but according to Terry Cole, your boundaries

421
00:21:53.079 --> 00:22:00.200
<v Speaker 2>are comprised of your preferences, your limits, and your deal breakers.

422
00:22:00.599 --> 00:22:05.039
<v Speaker 2>I love it so not all boundaries are created equal,

423
00:22:05.519 --> 00:22:11.119
<v Speaker 2>because a preference is less important than a deal breaker, right,

424
00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:13.039
<v Speaker 2>And we need to know what those things are. And

425
00:22:13.720 --> 00:22:17.039
<v Speaker 2>those things don't just make up your boundaries. They make

426
00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:20.880
<v Speaker 2>up who you are. Your preferences, your desires, your limits,

427
00:22:20.920 --> 00:22:23.960
<v Speaker 2>and your deal breakers in life. They make up who

428
00:22:24.039 --> 00:22:27.039
<v Speaker 2>you are as a person, and many of us were

429
00:22:27.079 --> 00:22:31.319
<v Speaker 2>taught that to be the cool girl, to be easy breezy,

430
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:33.880
<v Speaker 2>to have no preference. Whatever you guys want, you know me,

431
00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.759
<v Speaker 2>no fuss, no muss. And what we're doing when we

432
00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:42.079
<v Speaker 2>do that, right, is that we're denying the people in

433
00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:48.400
<v Speaker 2>our life the privilege of intimately knowing who we are.

434
00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:51.640
<v Speaker 2>I'm interested in my friend's preferences. I'm interested in my

435
00:22:51.720 --> 00:22:55.240
<v Speaker 2>husband's preferences. It's not everything has to be a problem.

436
00:22:55.720 --> 00:22:59.319
<v Speaker 2>It's I'm interested, do you like this or this? There's

437
00:22:59.319 --> 00:23:03.480
<v Speaker 2>nothing wrong with that. So I created this entire step

438
00:23:03.480 --> 00:23:07.759
<v Speaker 2>by step process where people can become fluent in the

439
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:11.200
<v Speaker 2>language of boundaries. I give a million scripts, but like

440
00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:14.359
<v Speaker 2>everything I teach, we have to go in before we

441
00:23:14.440 --> 00:23:18.119
<v Speaker 2>go out, because we have to understand why is it

442
00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:21.839
<v Speaker 2>so friggin hard? Why don't we know? Why are we

443
00:23:21.880 --> 00:23:25.559
<v Speaker 2>so conflict avoidant? Why are we afraid to rock the boat?

444
00:23:26.359 --> 00:23:29.720
<v Speaker 2>And for women in particular, because that is what I know.

445
00:23:30.279 --> 00:23:32.079
<v Speaker 2>You know, lots of men read my books, and I

446
00:23:32.119 --> 00:23:35.480
<v Speaker 2>super appreciate that, and yet and they're like, well, why

447
00:23:35.519 --> 00:23:37.039
<v Speaker 2>do you write it from the lens of a woman.

448
00:23:37.079 --> 00:23:38.839
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, because that's really what I'm an expert at

449
00:23:39.079 --> 00:23:43.519
<v Speaker 2>that's the female experience, and gaze is what I understand

450
00:23:44.599 --> 00:23:47.359
<v Speaker 2>that we were. Most of us were raised and praised

451
00:23:48.240 --> 00:23:54.160
<v Speaker 2>to be self abandoning, codependence. This was socially sanctioned behavior.

452
00:23:54.799 --> 00:23:58.200
<v Speaker 2>Be a good girl, where's my happy girl? Turn that

453
00:23:58.240 --> 00:24:02.000
<v Speaker 2>frown around. If you don't have anything nice to say,

454
00:24:02.839 --> 00:24:06.480
<v Speaker 2>don't say anything at all. So we start from this

455
00:24:06.680 --> 00:24:12.559
<v Speaker 2>deficit as women when it comes to boundaries, because we

456
00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:15.000
<v Speaker 2>were taught that if you had boundaries, you were bitchy,

457
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:17.720
<v Speaker 2>you were mean, you were selfish, you were self absorbed,

458
00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:21.119
<v Speaker 2>you're hysterical, you're all of these things, which of course

459
00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:28.920
<v Speaker 2>is not true. So the myths about boundaries come ahead

460
00:24:29.119 --> 00:24:32.720
<v Speaker 2>of the boundaries. So the way that I teach it

461
00:24:32.759 --> 00:24:37.039
<v Speaker 2>is that we we deal with people. You have boundary

462
00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:40.200
<v Speaker 2>first timers. These are people that you've never asserted a

463
00:24:40.200 --> 00:24:44.680
<v Speaker 2>boundary with. You have boundary repeat offenders.

464
00:24:44.359 --> 00:24:49.000
<v Speaker 1>Boundary okay, boundary first timers yep, okay down, and we

465
00:24:49.039 --> 00:24:51.559
<v Speaker 1>have repeat offenders repe defenders. Yeah.

466
00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:55.279
<v Speaker 2>And then we have boundary bullies oh yeah. And then

467
00:24:55.519 --> 00:25:02.279
<v Speaker 2>last but not least, we have boundary destroyers yeah, amplers. Yeah.

468
00:25:02.359 --> 00:25:04.880
<v Speaker 2>And you know, so in the book, I just walk

469
00:25:04.920 --> 00:25:06.559
<v Speaker 2>you through, And I also have a course where just

470
00:25:06.599 --> 00:25:11.599
<v Speaker 2>walk you through the process of understanding that you like,

471
00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:16.160
<v Speaker 2>it's not enough for you to know your preferences, your limits,

472
00:25:16.200 --> 00:25:19.319
<v Speaker 2>and your deal breakers. You have to know them and

473
00:25:19.400 --> 00:25:23.480
<v Speaker 2>then have the ability in the language to communicate them

474
00:25:23.519 --> 00:25:27.480
<v Speaker 2>when you so choose. Yeah, therein lies the rub for

475
00:25:27.559 --> 00:25:31.480
<v Speaker 2>most people because they don't They might know it, but

476
00:25:31.519 --> 00:25:34.960
<v Speaker 2>they don't know how to say what it is. They're

477
00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:38.400
<v Speaker 2>afraid of being confrontational, they're afraid of being mean, you know.

478
00:25:38.960 --> 00:25:40.880
<v Speaker 2>So that's what I walk you through in the book.

479
00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:43.160
<v Speaker 1>I love that, you know. I have an experience with

480
00:25:43.200 --> 00:25:47.599
<v Speaker 1>a boundary. I'm I have chosen from a really young

481
00:25:47.640 --> 00:25:52.039
<v Speaker 1>age to not drink alcohol ever, but one bad year

482
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:54.880
<v Speaker 1>in college, my freshman year of college not so good.

483
00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:57.759
<v Speaker 1>But other than that, just was like in high school

484
00:25:57.759 --> 00:26:00.000
<v Speaker 1>and everything. And it was just kind of a boundary

485
00:26:00.039 --> 00:26:02.759
<v Speaker 1>for myself because I know I'm similar to you. I

486
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.119
<v Speaker 1>probably almost wasn't here really. I was born with meningitis

487
00:26:06.160 --> 00:26:09.400
<v Speaker 1>and premature and all these things just never made my

488
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:11.519
<v Speaker 1>body feel very good, and so I'm like, I can't.

489
00:26:11.559 --> 00:26:14.559
<v Speaker 1>I just it feels like poison to me kind of thing.

490
00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:16.240
<v Speaker 1>And so I was just like I just am not

491
00:26:16.319 --> 00:26:18.920
<v Speaker 1>doing that. So I've gone through my life with like

492
00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:22.440
<v Speaker 1>no drugs, no alcohol, really not prescription drugs unless it's

493
00:26:22.440 --> 00:26:25.279
<v Speaker 1>something for like strep throat or something like that, really

494
00:26:25.359 --> 00:26:28.680
<v Speaker 1>really super clean in that regard, I do like ice cream,

495
00:26:28.720 --> 00:26:32.759
<v Speaker 1>I will tell you, but anyway, ice cream with my drug.

496
00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:37.559
<v Speaker 1>But anyway, so very interesting. But when when I when

497
00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:39.559
<v Speaker 1>you do something like that and you're like, Okay, this

498
00:26:39.680 --> 00:26:41.720
<v Speaker 1>is just kind of one of my things, you get

499
00:26:41.720 --> 00:26:45.200
<v Speaker 1>all sorts of comments, You get alienated, you get are

500
00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:47.359
<v Speaker 1>you are you with this? Are you with that? What's

501
00:26:47.400 --> 00:26:49.680
<v Speaker 1>wrong with you? I don't want to invite you. You

502
00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:55.400
<v Speaker 1>don't you know, just as funky behaviors towards you. That's

503
00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:58.079
<v Speaker 1>one of the reasons why people might be afraid to

504
00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:00.720
<v Speaker 1>set boundaries. Where does that fall in? Because I know

505
00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:03.079
<v Speaker 1>people feel that way. They want to they want to

506
00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:05.640
<v Speaker 1>stop doing something, or they want to change their life

507
00:27:05.720 --> 00:27:08.640
<v Speaker 1>or whatever it is, but they get met at every

508
00:27:08.680 --> 00:27:13.079
<v Speaker 1>turn with somebody something or here it won't hurt you

509
00:27:13.079 --> 00:27:14.599
<v Speaker 1>have a drink or like.

510
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:17.559
<v Speaker 2>I think that fear of rejection, right, is probably the

511
00:27:17.599 --> 00:27:21.559
<v Speaker 2>biggest reason why we don't set boundaries, right. So from

512
00:27:21.599 --> 00:27:23.720
<v Speaker 2>a biological point of view, we don't want to be

513
00:27:23.799 --> 00:27:28.240
<v Speaker 2>excommunicated from the tribe right, right, because back in cave

514
00:27:28.279 --> 00:27:30.559
<v Speaker 2>people days, you would die if you were kicked out

515
00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:33.119
<v Speaker 2>of the tribe. You needed the tribe to live, So

516
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:36.359
<v Speaker 2>it makes sense. But I think that part of what

517
00:27:36.440 --> 00:27:39.799
<v Speaker 2>I teach my clients and my groups is like now

518
00:27:39.920 --> 00:27:45.400
<v Speaker 2>is not then, right. You can be uncomfortable for a moment,

519
00:27:45.440 --> 00:27:48.640
<v Speaker 2>you can have an uncomfortable conversation, and nobody's going to die,

520
00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:50.680
<v Speaker 2>because ultimately we're all going to die. But I'm saying

521
00:27:51.000 --> 00:27:54.279
<v Speaker 2>that uncomfortable conversation is not going to kill anybody. And

522
00:27:54.359 --> 00:27:58.359
<v Speaker 2>so I think that allowing yourself to be a little

523
00:27:58.359 --> 00:28:02.880
<v Speaker 2>bit uncomfortable, when you start putting boundaries into place that

524
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:05.759
<v Speaker 2>have not been there, when you start putting limits on

525
00:28:05.920 --> 00:28:08.160
<v Speaker 2>things that you hadn't put limits on in the past,

526
00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:14.039
<v Speaker 2>obviously people are going to notice, right because our relationships

527
00:28:14.400 --> 00:28:17.960
<v Speaker 2>are dances, as doctor Harriet Lerner talks about them in

528
00:28:17.960 --> 00:28:20.240
<v Speaker 2>the Dance of Anger, the Dance of deception, the Dance

529
00:28:20.240 --> 00:28:24.559
<v Speaker 2>of intimacy. And so when you start doing a new

530
00:28:25.079 --> 00:28:27.920
<v Speaker 2>move on the dance floor with these people you've been

531
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:30.640
<v Speaker 2>dancing with, especially the people you've been dancing with the longest,

532
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:33.920
<v Speaker 2>which is usually family of origin. They're going to be like, hey,

533
00:28:35.240 --> 00:28:38.119
<v Speaker 2>now I do this, Now you do that? Why are

534
00:28:38.119 --> 00:28:41.519
<v Speaker 2>you not doing that? So we have to expect that

535
00:28:41.640 --> 00:28:45.200
<v Speaker 2>as we start to change our boundary dances that people

536
00:28:45.240 --> 00:28:47.359
<v Speaker 2>are going to notice, and we just have to stand firm.

537
00:28:47.400 --> 00:28:49.359
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't mean they're me and it doesn't mean they're jerks.

538
00:28:49.559 --> 00:28:53.000
<v Speaker 2>It means they feel threatened because if you change too much,

539
00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:56.119
<v Speaker 2>maybe you won't love them anymore. Right, maybe maybe you

540
00:28:56.200 --> 00:28:59.680
<v Speaker 2>will reject them or whatever their unconscious fears of your changing.

541
00:29:00.599 --> 00:29:02.000
<v Speaker 2>So expect they.

542
00:29:01.960 --> 00:29:03.920
<v Speaker 1>Might have to change a little. Huh.

543
00:29:05.119 --> 00:29:08.480
<v Speaker 2>And actually, but Elizabeth, they will change. The thing is

544
00:29:09.400 --> 00:29:13.160
<v Speaker 2>when you change your boundary dance, the people that you're

545
00:29:13.160 --> 00:29:17.480
<v Speaker 2>in relationship with have no choice but to also do

546
00:29:17.559 --> 00:29:20.599
<v Speaker 2>something different because you're not doing the same old dance.

547
00:29:21.279 --> 00:29:24.839
<v Speaker 2>And so you know, the pushback is real. You know

548
00:29:25.160 --> 00:29:28.279
<v Speaker 2>you'll get some pushback. But we always start with lower

549
00:29:28.319 --> 00:29:31.440
<v Speaker 2>priority people, So you're not going to start with like

550
00:29:31.519 --> 00:29:34.759
<v Speaker 2>your most difficult and most important relationship, Like, no, how

551
00:29:34.799 --> 00:29:37.000
<v Speaker 2>donut we just start send the friggin salad back when

552
00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:37.400
<v Speaker 2>it's wrong?

553
00:29:37.839 --> 00:29:37.960
<v Speaker 1>Right?

554
00:29:37.960 --> 00:29:41.039
<v Speaker 2>Why don't we just start with like basic easy stuff

555
00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:45.319
<v Speaker 2>and it gets easier and easier. I feel like for

556
00:29:45.440 --> 00:29:48.599
<v Speaker 2>people if they're wondering, you know, first of all, how

557
00:29:48.599 --> 00:29:51.160
<v Speaker 2>do I know where I need a boundary? Because this

558
00:29:51.200 --> 00:29:53.559
<v Speaker 2>is a question. I get a lot. We can you

559
00:29:53.599 --> 00:29:56.359
<v Speaker 2>can do a quick resentment inventory.

560
00:29:58.880 --> 00:29:59.480
<v Speaker 1>What's that mean?

561
00:30:00.359 --> 00:30:04.240
<v Speaker 2>It just means bring it to mind. Yeah, bring to

562
00:30:04.279 --> 00:30:07.200
<v Speaker 2>mind people right now. You can and I probably could too.

563
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:12.680
<v Speaker 2>Anyone you're feeling any kind of like residual resentment towards

564
00:30:13.720 --> 00:30:17.359
<v Speaker 2>and then write down why what is the situation? And

565
00:30:17.400 --> 00:30:20.880
<v Speaker 2>then you're going to write down what is your fifty

566
00:30:20.920 --> 00:30:24.799
<v Speaker 2>percent right, like what could you do? What have you

567
00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:26.720
<v Speaker 2>not done? So I give an example in the book

568
00:30:26.759 --> 00:30:28.400
<v Speaker 2>that my sister and I both lived in New York

569
00:30:28.400 --> 00:30:30.480
<v Speaker 2>City for many years. We each had keys to each

570
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:33.079
<v Speaker 2>other's houses and we would share closets. But I would

571
00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:34.720
<v Speaker 2>always tell her if I was going over and telling

572
00:30:34.720 --> 00:30:36.200
<v Speaker 2>me asking her can I borrow this kind of bar

573
00:30:36.240 --> 00:30:37.839
<v Speaker 2>and that? But she would just go into my house

574
00:30:37.880 --> 00:30:39.920
<v Speaker 2>and take what you want and not tell me. So

575
00:30:39.960 --> 00:30:41.680
<v Speaker 2>then I'd be like looking for the thing that she

576
00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:44.319
<v Speaker 2>had because I didn't know she had it. So I

577
00:30:44.359 --> 00:30:47.160
<v Speaker 2>had to finally put a consequence and say, hey, this

578
00:30:47.240 --> 00:30:49.640
<v Speaker 2>is the third time I've asked you to tell me

579
00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:51.960
<v Speaker 2>if you're going to borrow something, and if you don't,

580
00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:53.240
<v Speaker 2>if you do it again, I'm going to take my

581
00:30:53.319 --> 00:30:56.279
<v Speaker 2>key back and then we can't share closets anymore. And

582
00:30:57.240 --> 00:31:01.599
<v Speaker 2>my responsibility in that was for the first few times,

583
00:31:01.720 --> 00:31:04.920
<v Speaker 2>I didn't say anything, yeah, right, So I just was

584
00:31:05.079 --> 00:31:07.200
<v Speaker 2>pissed off about it or made a snarky comment, but

585
00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:11.640
<v Speaker 2>I didn't make the boundary ask hey, please let me

586
00:31:11.720 --> 00:31:14.160
<v Speaker 2>know so that I'm not looking for some shit that

587
00:31:14.200 --> 00:31:18.039
<v Speaker 2>you have at your house. That would be great, you know, yeah,

588
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:21.799
<v Speaker 2>And we need to be able to say that exactly

589
00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:25.119
<v Speaker 2>where is my scarf is what I want to know.

590
00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:29.240
<v Speaker 2>So that's something that you guys can take away right

591
00:31:29.240 --> 00:31:32.400
<v Speaker 2>now to do, which is just do a resentment inventory

592
00:31:32.640 --> 00:31:35.079
<v Speaker 2>and then decide you don't have to take action right now,

593
00:31:35.599 --> 00:31:37.400
<v Speaker 2>but look at it, and what you're going to see

594
00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:41.720
<v Speaker 2>is that there is an empowered action that you can

595
00:31:41.799 --> 00:31:46.720
<v Speaker 2>take to resolve that resentment, right to do something to

596
00:31:46.759 --> 00:31:49.119
<v Speaker 2>make it better. Sometimes it means we need to have

597
00:31:49.200 --> 00:31:52.000
<v Speaker 2>less contact with people. And I'm not saying go no

598
00:31:52.119 --> 00:31:55.240
<v Speaker 2>contact with everyone in your life. I am saying if

599
00:31:55.240 --> 00:31:59.839
<v Speaker 2>someone doesn't respect your boundaries, if someone hurts your feeling,

600
00:32:00.519 --> 00:32:04.160
<v Speaker 2>if someone doesn't appreciate you. Certainly have a conversation about

601
00:32:04.200 --> 00:32:06.160
<v Speaker 2>it if you can, But we have to be very

602
00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:08.880
<v Speaker 2>mindful of who we allow in the VIP section of

603
00:32:08.880 --> 00:32:11.599
<v Speaker 2>our lives, because not everyone belongs there.

604
00:32:12.160 --> 00:32:15.079
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that that close circle around you is so important.

605
00:32:15.079 --> 00:32:21.119
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, surround yourself with love. People surround yourself with love.

606
00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:25.119
<v Speaker 1>I mindes are really nice. Spin on that, like who's

607
00:32:25.119 --> 00:32:28.480
<v Speaker 1>in your room? He's been really good, Like who are

608
00:32:28.519 --> 00:32:30.960
<v Speaker 1>you closest people? Who's there? You know kind of kind

609
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:33.000
<v Speaker 1>of thing. He's pretty clever, he's the head of B

610
00:32:33.079 --> 00:32:35.240
<v Speaker 1>and I. He's really nice. He's been the best ever

611
00:32:35.279 --> 00:32:38.960
<v Speaker 1>you for forever. So I love this what if fun?

612
00:32:39.039 --> 00:32:41.880
<v Speaker 1>What a what a fun and enlightening conversation. Actually, I

613
00:32:41.960 --> 00:32:43.720
<v Speaker 1>like how you put it into real life terms too,

614
00:32:43.759 --> 00:32:47.079
<v Speaker 1>So it's not like some some concept that people have

615
00:32:47.119 --> 00:32:50.039
<v Speaker 1>to really go go googling and figuring out more So

616
00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:53.079
<v Speaker 1>that's really practical and thank you for that. Do you

617
00:32:53.119 --> 00:32:55.480
<v Speaker 1>want to I know we have we're kind of funky

618
00:32:55.480 --> 00:32:56.759
<v Speaker 1>on time. We said a half an hour, but we're

619
00:32:56.839 --> 00:32:59.240
<v Speaker 1>kind of going on. Do you want to keep going? Yeah?

620
00:32:59.240 --> 00:33:02.160
<v Speaker 1>I'm kind of with it, so I would love to.

621
00:33:02.480 --> 00:33:04.960
<v Speaker 1>I would love to know on your book did you

622
00:33:05.079 --> 00:33:08.400
<v Speaker 1>feel personally where you're like, oh, I need to learn this.

623
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:12.759
<v Speaker 1>Where were you Did you have any of those moments

624
00:33:12.799 --> 00:33:14.519
<v Speaker 1>where you're like, I'm going to do a deep dive

625
00:33:14.599 --> 00:33:17.319
<v Speaker 1>on this or that because this would be really helpful

626
00:33:17.359 --> 00:33:19.680
<v Speaker 1>for my own life too, or we're like, I'm just

627
00:33:19.720 --> 00:33:22.119
<v Speaker 1>going to teach this to everybody who have moments like that,

628
00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:25.440
<v Speaker 1>because I know, like one of my books, the Change Guidebook,

629
00:33:26.519 --> 00:33:30.279
<v Speaker 1>Well Perkolate. Even when my dad had his stroke, it

630
00:33:30.480 --> 00:33:33.920
<v Speaker 1>threw me for a loop, really for a loop, and

631
00:33:33.960 --> 00:33:36.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, ah, I don't know how to navigate change

632
00:33:37.000 --> 00:33:40.559
<v Speaker 1>very well at all, really, and this is a big

633
00:33:40.559 --> 00:33:42.799
<v Speaker 1>one and I didn't ask for this at all, So

634
00:33:42.839 --> 00:33:45.559
<v Speaker 1>how do you navigate this? And so I just kept

635
00:33:45.599 --> 00:33:48.880
<v Speaker 1>going on the topic of change right to the point

636
00:33:48.880 --> 00:33:52.359
<v Speaker 1>where I'm teaching all about change now and how to

637
00:33:52.400 --> 00:33:54.519
<v Speaker 1>deal with change, navigate change. Were you like that with

638
00:33:54.640 --> 00:33:57.720
<v Speaker 1>this book or or was it something you just innately knew?

639
00:33:58.480 --> 00:34:01.039
<v Speaker 2>No, I did not innately know. And every single thing

640
00:34:01.079 --> 00:34:03.599
<v Speaker 2>I've ever written about you know, you teach what you

641
00:34:03.640 --> 00:34:06.119
<v Speaker 2>most need to learn, is what they say. I think

642
00:34:06.119 --> 00:34:10.199
<v Speaker 2>so too, and for me it's extremely true. So I

643
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:15.000
<v Speaker 2>struggled mightily. I was a boundary disaster in my young life.

644
00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:17.400
<v Speaker 2>And it's the same thing with the book on Codependency

645
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:22.480
<v Speaker 2>Too Much, the latest book. I was so highly codependent,

646
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:28.320
<v Speaker 2>but because I was so highly functioning, it didn't look

647
00:34:28.880 --> 00:34:32.119
<v Speaker 2>like codependency. That's the irony of high functioning codependency, which

648
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:38.920
<v Speaker 2>is a phrase, a term that I coined because nobody.

649
00:34:38.400 --> 00:34:42.880
<v Speaker 2>My therapy practice was filled with extremely capable women just

650
00:34:42.960 --> 00:34:46.599
<v Speaker 2>like me, just like you, who when I would say

651
00:34:46.599 --> 00:34:49.880
<v Speaker 2>to them, Hey, what you're describing this is a codependent pattern,

652
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:53.960
<v Speaker 2>they would immediately reject the notion of codependent. Immediately. They

653
00:34:53.960 --> 00:34:55.880
<v Speaker 2>would be like absolutely.

654
00:34:55.480 --> 00:34:59.880
<v Speaker 1>Because that sounds like taboo words like anxiety, narcissism, and codependency.

655
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.159
<v Speaker 1>It's like, what do you mean exactly? And wow? And

656
00:35:03.199 --> 00:35:05.079
<v Speaker 1>how are they? Yeah?

657
00:35:05.159 --> 00:35:09.320
<v Speaker 2>Yes? And with codependency they were like, Terry, I'm making

658
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:12.840
<v Speaker 2>all the money, I'm making all the moves. Everyone's dependent

659
00:35:12.920 --> 00:35:15.079
<v Speaker 2>on me. I don't know what you're talking about. And

660
00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:20.000
<v Speaker 2>I realized that my clients did not know what codependency was. Ye,

661
00:35:20.519 --> 00:35:24.800
<v Speaker 2>So let's let's talk about the definition. How I define it.

662
00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:30.639
<v Speaker 2>It means that you are overly invested in the feeling states,

663
00:35:31.320 --> 00:35:39.760
<v Speaker 2>the decisions, the outcomes, the circumstances, finances, careers, relationships of

664
00:35:39.800 --> 00:35:44.880
<v Speaker 2>the people in your life, to the detriment of your

665
00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:51.480
<v Speaker 2>own internal peace, interesting, could be to the detriment of

666
00:35:51.480 --> 00:35:55.559
<v Speaker 2>your financial wellbeing, could be to the detriment of your

667
00:35:55.559 --> 00:35:59.639
<v Speaker 2>mental health. So what does that mean that that's the

668
00:35:59.639 --> 00:36:03.840
<v Speaker 2>difference between your best friend calls you up and she

669
00:36:03.880 --> 00:36:08.119
<v Speaker 2>has a crisis. How quickly does that crisis become your crisis?

670
00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:13.039
<v Speaker 2>Probably immediately, right, Which is different than saying, of course

671
00:36:13.079 --> 00:36:15.280
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to help my friend. It's different than saying,

672
00:36:15.400 --> 00:36:18.760
<v Speaker 2>of course I have compassion for my friend. What happens

673
00:36:18.800 --> 00:36:22.679
<v Speaker 2>when you're a high functioning codependent is that now you

674
00:36:22.880 --> 00:36:28.800
<v Speaker 2>take on that problem, you feel responsible for solving and

675
00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:30.719
<v Speaker 2>fixing that problem.

676
00:36:31.679 --> 00:36:32.719
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

677
00:36:32.920 --> 00:36:36.840
<v Speaker 2>So the behaviors that we see in HFC is because

678
00:36:36.840 --> 00:36:38.800
<v Speaker 2>for me, when I went back to my therapy clients

679
00:36:39.199 --> 00:36:42.480
<v Speaker 2>after coining this phrase and really doing lots of research

680
00:36:42.519 --> 00:36:46.159
<v Speaker 2>on it, and I was able to say I think

681
00:36:46.199 --> 00:36:50.280
<v Speaker 2>you're a high functioning codependent, they would go, I am right,

682
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:54.639
<v Speaker 2>they I'm the problem. It's me. Not to quote Taylor Swift, but.

683
00:36:54.679 --> 00:36:58.960
<v Speaker 1>I will Okay, right, good company, there we go.

684
00:37:00.719 --> 00:37:04.280
<v Speaker 2>I love it. So what does it look like, right?

685
00:37:04.320 --> 00:37:07.880
<v Speaker 2>What does it look like to be a high function codependency.

686
00:37:08.079 --> 00:37:11.559
<v Speaker 2>A high function codependent, it's feeling responsible to fix other

687
00:37:11.559 --> 00:37:18.039
<v Speaker 2>people's feelings, like immediately right. It's feeling exhausted, resentful, kind

688
00:37:18.039 --> 00:37:19.840
<v Speaker 2>of bitter when people don't take your advice.

689
00:37:19.920 --> 00:37:20.039
<v Speaker 1>Right.

690
00:37:20.079 --> 00:37:22.039
<v Speaker 2>We give all, we put all this time and energy

691
00:37:22.079 --> 00:37:24.360
<v Speaker 2>into other people's problems, and then they don't do it really.

692
00:37:24.239 --> 00:37:26.000
<v Speaker 1>Right for other people. It's like here it all.

693
00:37:26.079 --> 00:37:29.079
<v Speaker 2>Of course for you, right, we know what you should do,

694
00:37:29.119 --> 00:37:31.039
<v Speaker 2>Just bring and do it please. So we have auto

695
00:37:31.039 --> 00:37:34.679
<v Speaker 2>advice giving, we have being overly self sacrificing. We have

696
00:37:35.199 --> 00:37:39.199
<v Speaker 2>auto accommodating, where you find yourself out in a situation

697
00:37:40.280 --> 00:37:43.119
<v Speaker 2>and it's not even your situation. Two people want to

698
00:37:43.119 --> 00:37:47.000
<v Speaker 2>sit together, You're like, I'll move right. We're managing our environment,

699
00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:50.519
<v Speaker 2>not just our personal relationships. So I saw this as

700
00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:54.480
<v Speaker 2>a different quality than the regular garden variety of codependency,

701
00:37:54.880 --> 00:38:01.800
<v Speaker 2>which with regular garden variety is not, you know, high functioning.

702
00:38:03.079 --> 00:38:06.800
<v Speaker 2>The problem with high functioning codependency is that the more

703
00:38:06.840 --> 00:38:10.880
<v Speaker 2>capable you are, the less codependency looks like codependency, but

704
00:38:10.920 --> 00:38:15.320
<v Speaker 2>it's still codependency. Yeah, so nobody thinks of you, right

705
00:38:15.960 --> 00:38:18.320
<v Speaker 2>if we say garden variety. If we're talking about codependent

706
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:21.480
<v Speaker 2>no more, we would say it's somebody involved with an

707
00:38:21.480 --> 00:38:28.920
<v Speaker 2>alcoholic waiting at home and yeah, calling the hospitals. Yeah right,

708
00:38:29.400 --> 00:38:33.320
<v Speaker 2>So it's there's the dependency. We are desperately trying to

709
00:38:33.360 --> 00:38:37.079
<v Speaker 2>control someone else's behavior, which is present in both high

710
00:38:37.079 --> 00:38:42.559
<v Speaker 2>functioning and regular codependency. We well, at its core, if

711
00:38:42.559 --> 00:38:45.519
<v Speaker 2>you were going to take one thing away about codependency,

712
00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:49.639
<v Speaker 2>high functioning or otherwise, at its foundation, it is a

713
00:38:49.679 --> 00:38:55.119
<v Speaker 2>covert or overt bid to control other people's outcomes.

714
00:38:55.119 --> 00:38:55.679
<v Speaker 1>Interesting.

715
00:38:57.400 --> 00:38:59.960
<v Speaker 2>We don't want you to feel bad, We don't want

716
00:38:59.960 --> 00:39:02.119
<v Speaker 2>you to fuck up your job, we don't want you

717
00:39:02.159 --> 00:39:04.239
<v Speaker 2>to get fired, we don't want you to marry the idiot.

718
00:39:04.760 --> 00:39:09.440
<v Speaker 2>We are constantly trying to control what other people do,

719
00:39:09.519 --> 00:39:11.320
<v Speaker 2>and we think we're doing it out of love, and

720
00:39:11.360 --> 00:39:13.760
<v Speaker 2>we are, but we're also doing it out of fear.

721
00:39:14.320 --> 00:39:19.519
<v Speaker 1>What I hear right now is the world of a helicopter, Like, like,

722
00:39:21.239 --> 00:39:22.840
<v Speaker 1>does it go into parenting as well?

723
00:39:23.599 --> 00:39:26.800
<v Speaker 2>Of course that's what you know it does.

724
00:39:27.840 --> 00:39:30.239
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because you know you we all want our birdies

725
00:39:30.239 --> 00:39:32.880
<v Speaker 1>to fly, but we want them to you know, fly

726
00:39:32.960 --> 00:39:35.360
<v Speaker 1>and be okay and fly, and you know, don't.

727
00:39:35.119 --> 00:39:40.679
<v Speaker 2>Make that yep, but would anyone who's identifying with this

728
00:39:40.840 --> 00:39:42.800
<v Speaker 2>right now, If you're identifying with this, if you're like,

729
00:39:42.800 --> 00:39:45.159
<v Speaker 2>oh my god, there's me, don't worry. I'm going to

730
00:39:45.199 --> 00:39:47.159
<v Speaker 2>give you one thing that you can start doing right

731
00:39:47.239 --> 00:39:50.239
<v Speaker 2>now that if this is the only thing you changed,

732
00:39:50.880 --> 00:39:54.960
<v Speaker 2>I sincerely believe it would change your life. If if

733
00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:59.039
<v Speaker 2>you are I have functioning codependent, if you are an

734
00:39:59.079 --> 00:40:04.480
<v Speaker 2>auto advice giver, if you are an auto fixer, instead

735
00:40:04.519 --> 00:40:09.599
<v Speaker 2>of doing that, you're going to ask expensive questions. So,

736
00:40:09.719 --> 00:40:12.039
<v Speaker 2>whether this is a six year old, a sixteen year old,

737
00:40:12.079 --> 00:40:14.440
<v Speaker 2>or a sixty year old, if someone comes to you

738
00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:18.559
<v Speaker 2>they have a problem, before you weigh in, and I'm

739
00:40:18.599 --> 00:40:21.039
<v Speaker 2>not saying you're never going to give anyone your opinion. Again,

740
00:40:21.079 --> 00:40:25.119
<v Speaker 2>that's ridiculous and unrealistic. But it shouldn't be the first

741
00:40:25.159 --> 00:40:27.719
<v Speaker 2>stop on the bus. So the first thing you're going

742
00:40:27.800 --> 00:40:30.719
<v Speaker 2>to do is say, all right, before I say anything,

743
00:40:31.239 --> 00:40:35.719
<v Speaker 2>tell me what you think you should do. Beautiful, six,

744
00:40:35.960 --> 00:40:37.760
<v Speaker 2>sixteen or sixty, it doesn't matter.

745
00:40:38.920 --> 00:40:44.159
<v Speaker 1>You just lobbed it back. Yep. Falls in your court.

746
00:40:44.320 --> 00:40:47.960
<v Speaker 2>And then what happens you learn about your six year old?

747
00:40:47.960 --> 00:40:50.159
<v Speaker 2>Maybe your six year old says, I think I should

748
00:40:50.199 --> 00:40:53.440
<v Speaker 2>go intomorrow own punch Timmy in the face. You can

749
00:40:53.480 --> 00:40:56.599
<v Speaker 2>go Okay, So let's think about that critically. What would

750
00:40:56.639 --> 00:41:02.400
<v Speaker 2>happen like what we're getting when we ask expansive questions

751
00:41:02.920 --> 00:41:07.440
<v Speaker 2>and then create the generous space to really listen and

752
00:41:07.480 --> 00:41:10.360
<v Speaker 2>be present with our people. Because here's the thing about love.

753
00:41:10.440 --> 00:41:13.400
<v Speaker 2>People think that, you know, being there for everyone and

754
00:41:13.440 --> 00:41:16.320
<v Speaker 2>fixing all the problems like that, that's some big flex

755
00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:19.559
<v Speaker 2>on love, and the truth is the biggest flex when

756
00:41:19.559 --> 00:41:22.400
<v Speaker 2>it comes to love is being with someone during a

757
00:41:22.480 --> 00:41:25.840
<v Speaker 2>dark night of the soul in the fox hole and

758
00:41:25.920 --> 00:41:29.599
<v Speaker 2>being willing to compassionately witness them, ask them, Hey, babe,

759
00:41:29.639 --> 00:41:33.840
<v Speaker 2>what can I do? Is there anything? How can I

760
00:41:33.840 --> 00:41:36.159
<v Speaker 2>best support you right now? I can do nothing. I

761
00:41:36.199 --> 00:41:38.239
<v Speaker 2>can just lay here with you. I can make you

762
00:41:38.280 --> 00:41:41.280
<v Speaker 2>a cup of teas or anything I can do instead

763
00:41:41.320 --> 00:41:43.280
<v Speaker 2>of assuming.

764
00:41:42.840 --> 00:41:43.239
<v Speaker 1>You know.

765
00:41:44.840 --> 00:41:49.559
<v Speaker 2>What they need, which you don't. Yeah, you know. And

766
00:41:49.599 --> 00:41:52.800
<v Speaker 2>what happens when we start asking these expansive questions and

767
00:41:52.840 --> 00:41:56.320
<v Speaker 2>we listen with our whole heart is that we deepen

768
00:41:56.360 --> 00:42:01.679
<v Speaker 2>the intimacy in our relationships so much. It's so beautiful.

769
00:42:02.159 --> 00:42:08.639
<v Speaker 2>Because your attention is the most the most expensive coin

770
00:42:08.760 --> 00:42:11.920
<v Speaker 2>you're ever going to spend. That is the greatest gift

771
00:42:12.800 --> 00:42:16.920
<v Speaker 2>to give someone. Get off your phone. I have a

772
00:42:17.000 --> 00:42:18.960
<v Speaker 2>basket in the front of my house. Everyone walks in.

773
00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:21.360
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, put your mother phone in that basket. I

774
00:42:21.400 --> 00:42:23.880
<v Speaker 2>do not care. I'm not looking at the top of

775
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:27.519
<v Speaker 2>my niece's heads while they're visiting me. I could be

776
00:42:27.559 --> 00:42:30.800
<v Speaker 2>doing something else too, So I don't need to you.

777
00:42:30.800 --> 00:42:32.679
<v Speaker 2>You don't need to be scrolling Instagram while you're in

778
00:42:32.719 --> 00:42:34.960
<v Speaker 2>my presence. You don't I need you to listen with

779
00:42:35.039 --> 00:42:40.840
<v Speaker 2>your ears and your eyeballs call me extra. I don't care, no, no, no,

780
00:42:40.960 --> 00:42:41.400
<v Speaker 2>I agree.

781
00:42:41.440 --> 00:42:44.760
<v Speaker 1>We have these discussions all the time. Like I've literally

782
00:42:44.800 --> 00:42:47.960
<v Speaker 1>seen our entire house in the living room with everybody

783
00:42:48.000 --> 00:42:50.719
<v Speaker 1>on their phone at once. I'm like, whoa, wait a minute,

784
00:42:50.800 --> 00:42:53.679
<v Speaker 1>time out, everybody hand them over, you know kind of thing.

785
00:42:54.079 --> 00:42:55.960
<v Speaker 1>Everybody's home and just for a little bit, you know,

786
00:42:55.960 --> 00:42:58.199
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't have to be too crazy, but you know,

787
00:43:00.079 --> 00:43:01.360
<v Speaker 1>are working or whatever.

788
00:43:01.119 --> 00:43:03.800
<v Speaker 2>Of course, but even just making sure dinner time.

789
00:43:04.280 --> 00:43:06.599
<v Speaker 1>Just hey, we're all right here. Let's let's look up

790
00:43:06.639 --> 00:43:07.440
<v Speaker 1>on smartphones.

791
00:43:07.960 --> 00:43:10.920
<v Speaker 2>Okay, if you're watching a movie, watch a movie, yeah,

792
00:43:10.960 --> 00:43:13.280
<v Speaker 2>watch it. Don't watch a movie and scroll Instagram.

793
00:43:13.360 --> 00:43:17.119
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's pretty crazy. These little things are all the

794
00:43:17.199 --> 00:43:21.480
<v Speaker 1>time everywhere. I'm going to take this just for our

795
00:43:21.519 --> 00:43:23.320
<v Speaker 1>listeners because we have a lot of parents out there,

796
00:43:23.559 --> 00:43:26.159
<v Speaker 1>and I want to talk about who had a lot

797
00:43:26.159 --> 00:43:28.760
<v Speaker 1>of parents and I've been going through this too, and

798
00:43:28.840 --> 00:43:32.679
<v Speaker 1>we've all been talking about it when the kids are

799
00:43:32.719 --> 00:43:35.000
<v Speaker 1>out of the house where I met this moment in

800
00:43:35.039 --> 00:43:38.559
<v Speaker 1>my own life where the kids are twenty four, twenty six,

801
00:43:38.639 --> 00:43:41.440
<v Speaker 1>twenty eight and thirty. And one of the things that

802
00:43:41.519 --> 00:43:44.320
<v Speaker 1>COVID did was it brought everybody back for a little bit,

803
00:43:44.360 --> 00:43:47.079
<v Speaker 1>so had some bonus time and they went back and

804
00:43:47.159 --> 00:43:48.840
<v Speaker 1>everybody was kind of back and forth a little bit

805
00:43:48.880 --> 00:43:51.519
<v Speaker 1>because they were all all in college at once and

806
00:43:51.559 --> 00:43:53.760
<v Speaker 1>then all at home on college on zoom at once,

807
00:43:53.880 --> 00:43:57.280
<v Speaker 1>and yeah, just all sorts of stuff. And now they're

808
00:43:57.480 --> 00:44:02.280
<v Speaker 1>really actually all out but for one and it's a

809
00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:05.440
<v Speaker 1>real big change that we really literally have empty rooms.

810
00:44:05.639 --> 00:44:09.559
<v Speaker 1>I mean there's empty rooms. There's there's I noted the

811
00:44:09.599 --> 00:44:12.960
<v Speaker 1>laundry the first time when everybody went to school, but

812
00:44:13.039 --> 00:44:18.400
<v Speaker 1>now it's really actually like quiet. Everything's just changing and

813
00:44:18.440 --> 00:44:23.280
<v Speaker 1>so forth. And you it's it's really interesting because your

814
00:44:23.320 --> 00:44:28.039
<v Speaker 1>relationships with your adult children shift as well. They don't

815
00:44:28.079 --> 00:44:31.280
<v Speaker 1>need your advice for every little thing. You know, they

816
00:44:31.280 --> 00:44:33.360
<v Speaker 1>don't need shopping, they don't need you know, there's all

817
00:44:33.719 --> 00:44:37.519
<v Speaker 1>sorts of things that change. Any advice there for us wonderful.

818
00:44:38.960 --> 00:44:41.480
<v Speaker 1>I don't I don't love the word empty nester. It

819
00:44:41.639 --> 00:44:45.639
<v Speaker 1>bugs me. But you knows got be a better term

820
00:44:45.639 --> 00:44:52.559
<v Speaker 1>than empty nester. It's so so like. But because my kids, Yeah,

821
00:44:53.239 --> 00:44:54.119
<v Speaker 1>I love Gretchen Rubin.

822
00:44:54.199 --> 00:44:56.960
<v Speaker 2>She came up with a new term, I need it

823
00:44:57.039 --> 00:44:58.519
<v Speaker 2>called open door.

824
00:44:58.920 --> 00:45:00.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like that's what I feel like. I'm like, you're

825
00:45:00.880 --> 00:45:04.239
<v Speaker 1>welcome back anytime, come for dinner, right, launch, but laundry,

826
00:45:04.239 --> 00:45:06.440
<v Speaker 1>whatever you want to do. But for the most part,

827
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:10.679
<v Speaker 1>we're real, like you're good, you know, flying And because

828
00:45:10.719 --> 00:45:13.599
<v Speaker 1>we had one son who was a professional baseball player,

829
00:45:13.639 --> 00:45:16.760
<v Speaker 1>he was overseas for a year with his fiance and

830
00:45:17.199 --> 00:45:23.800
<v Speaker 1>just they're all over the place. So canny because boundary,

831
00:45:23.800 --> 00:45:26.800
<v Speaker 1>because you can really muck that up.

832
00:45:28.079 --> 00:45:30.960
<v Speaker 2>You can. Yeah, I think you have to have you know,

833
00:45:31.079 --> 00:45:33.920
<v Speaker 2>part of it is realize that you're going to have.

834
00:45:34.159 --> 00:45:35.760
<v Speaker 2>You know, there's going to be what I call the

835
00:45:35.800 --> 00:45:40.719
<v Speaker 2>in between right when we're in transition things. What happens

836
00:45:40.760 --> 00:45:43.199
<v Speaker 2>is we have homeostasis in the family system. When the

837
00:45:43.280 --> 00:45:45.679
<v Speaker 2>kids were all home, even though it was crazy, but

838
00:45:45.760 --> 00:45:48.960
<v Speaker 2>there was a certain amount of equilibrium there. Then they

839
00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:51.679
<v Speaker 2>start moving out and you're you know, the apple cart

840
00:45:51.719 --> 00:45:55.320
<v Speaker 2>gets toppled, and then we come and find our new normal,

841
00:45:55.400 --> 00:45:58.960
<v Speaker 2>our new equilibrium. So give yourself a minute if you

842
00:45:59.000 --> 00:46:03.320
<v Speaker 2>feel sort of disorder oriented around having your open door

843
00:46:03.800 --> 00:46:10.159
<v Speaker 2>as we'll call it now, and start really focusing on

844
00:46:10.400 --> 00:46:14.000
<v Speaker 2>reconnecting if you're if you're still partnered, you know you

845
00:46:14.079 --> 00:46:18.360
<v Speaker 2>want to focus on reconnecting with your partner and planning

846
00:46:18.400 --> 00:46:22.920
<v Speaker 2>things because when we raise children, we spend our lives

847
00:46:23.800 --> 00:46:27.039
<v Speaker 2>prioritizing children just naturally. Good parents just do it naturally.

848
00:46:27.400 --> 00:46:32.400
<v Speaker 2>Like a healthy family system when you have children is

849
00:46:32.400 --> 00:46:36.920
<v Speaker 2>that it is children focused, but not children obsessed. And

850
00:46:36.920 --> 00:46:43.320
<v Speaker 2>those are two different things, right, children focused meaning if

851
00:46:43.320 --> 00:46:45.599
<v Speaker 2>you have something to do in school, we're aware of it.

852
00:46:45.840 --> 00:46:47.639
<v Speaker 2>We will drive you where you need to be. You

853
00:46:47.679 --> 00:46:49.480
<v Speaker 2>will have the right clothing and the right food, and

854
00:46:49.519 --> 00:46:52.920
<v Speaker 2>everything will be clean and all those things exactly.

855
00:46:53.880 --> 00:46:58.119
<v Speaker 1>And project is your science project, even if it's correctorrow.

856
00:46:59.159 --> 00:47:01.519
<v Speaker 2>That's right, I guess you're going to be tired. Good luck.

857
00:47:01.679 --> 00:47:08.039
<v Speaker 2>Here's some aluminum oil. I hope you can figure it out.

858
00:47:08.480 --> 00:47:10.719
<v Speaker 1>Did you have kids ever do that to you, of

859
00:47:10.760 --> 00:47:15.840
<v Speaker 1>course do tomorrow. I'm like, what if you see my

860
00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:19.599
<v Speaker 1>own science project, Like you're barking up the wrong tree, sweetheart.

861
00:47:20.079 --> 00:47:22.599
<v Speaker 2>That's like, trust me, I'm sure my husband and I

862
00:47:22.679 --> 00:47:24.480
<v Speaker 2>stayed up until two in the morning to finish that

863
00:47:24.559 --> 00:47:29.519
<v Speaker 2>friggin thing. But but now that you have your open door, though,

864
00:47:30.159 --> 00:47:33.320
<v Speaker 2>YE see it as a time to reclaim because here's

865
00:47:33.360 --> 00:47:34.960
<v Speaker 2>the thing, and I feel like a lot of parents

866
00:47:35.000 --> 00:47:39.000
<v Speaker 2>are missing this. This is another transition, another life transition.

867
00:47:39.480 --> 00:47:43.679
<v Speaker 2>How do we relate to adult children. You have a

868
00:47:43.679 --> 00:47:48.320
<v Speaker 2>lot of parents who want to be perennial parents, and

869
00:47:48.360 --> 00:47:54.920
<v Speaker 2>they don't respect the adult child's right to autonomy. And

870
00:47:54.960 --> 00:48:00.840
<v Speaker 2>they have a right to autonomy. I expect Mike started

871
00:48:00.840 --> 00:48:03.679
<v Speaker 2>getting married and started whatever. I was like, here's the thing,

872
00:48:05.000 --> 00:48:09.920
<v Speaker 2>Joyce is now your first family. Me, Dad, and your brothers.

873
00:48:10.320 --> 00:48:13.400
<v Speaker 2>We are your family of origin. So all the decisions

874
00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:16.880
<v Speaker 2>you make now you make together with Joyce about what

875
00:48:17.000 --> 00:48:20.280
<v Speaker 2>is best for your union with Joyce is before they

876
00:48:20.320 --> 00:48:22.039
<v Speaker 2>had three kids, you know. And then.

877
00:48:23.440 --> 00:48:25.440
<v Speaker 1>I really love it because that's what I'm trying, you know,

878
00:48:25.480 --> 00:48:28.119
<v Speaker 1>that's what like we're doing. But that's a really good

879
00:48:28.119 --> 00:48:30.000
<v Speaker 1>way to put that into words, because I can feel

880
00:48:30.199 --> 00:48:32.239
<v Speaker 1>I can feel us doing that and like he'll call,

881
00:48:32.480 --> 00:48:33.880
<v Speaker 1>like somebody will call home, So what do you think

882
00:48:33.920 --> 00:48:36.639
<v Speaker 1>you should doing? Like that decision does not belong.

883
00:48:36.360 --> 00:48:41.360
<v Speaker 2>With me, and I'll yep yep, which is great because

884
00:48:41.440 --> 00:48:44.079
<v Speaker 2>what you're what you're saying though, when you do that, Elizabeth,

885
00:48:44.199 --> 00:48:49.639
<v Speaker 2>is your saying I have faith in your capability. I

886
00:48:49.679 --> 00:48:52.960
<v Speaker 2>have faith in your ability with your partner. But to

887
00:48:53.079 --> 00:48:54.920
<v Speaker 2>decide what is the right thing for you?

888
00:48:55.679 --> 00:48:58.960
<v Speaker 1>Why, well, yeah, it's like this. It is a dance

889
00:48:59.079 --> 00:49:00.800
<v Speaker 1>like when do you need me? When do you not?

890
00:49:00.960 --> 00:49:03.800
<v Speaker 1>When do you You know, it's really interesting. So yeah,

891
00:49:03.880 --> 00:49:07.239
<v Speaker 1>I'm learning. It's and and they're pretty young still. So

892
00:49:07.280 --> 00:49:10.440
<v Speaker 1>they're in their twenties, and I think the twenties are brutal.

893
00:49:11.320 --> 00:49:14.239
<v Speaker 2>I think twenty I agree, And I would call twenties

894
00:49:14.280 --> 00:49:17.760
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, oh my god, I call them young adults.

895
00:49:17.800 --> 00:49:21.079
<v Speaker 2>So right in the in the twenties at least till

896
00:49:21.119 --> 00:49:24.400
<v Speaker 2>their mid twenties for sure. Yeah, you're still young adults.

897
00:49:24.480 --> 00:49:30.320
<v Speaker 2>So it isn't about abandoning kids. It's about giving them

898
00:49:30.360 --> 00:49:34.239
<v Speaker 2>the tools they need to negotiate life, which means we

899
00:49:34.360 --> 00:49:36.000
<v Speaker 2>have to let them fail and we have to let

900
00:49:36.079 --> 00:49:38.840
<v Speaker 2>them fall, and not too far you can still be

901
00:49:38.880 --> 00:49:41.800
<v Speaker 2>a safety net. Of course, we still helped kids out.

902
00:49:41.800 --> 00:49:44.360
<v Speaker 2>We still would now if they need help. You know,

903
00:49:44.960 --> 00:49:51.599
<v Speaker 2>it's not that, but it's not centering your adult child's life,

904
00:49:51.760 --> 00:49:55.000
<v Speaker 2>not expecting them to center their life on family of origin.

905
00:49:56.000 --> 00:49:59.679
<v Speaker 1>Beautiful, beautifully put. Thank you, this is so much fun

906
00:49:59.800 --> 00:50:02.000
<v Speaker 1>have and you on. Thank you for doing this, and

907
00:50:02.039 --> 00:50:04.159
<v Speaker 1>thank you for sharing so much time with us. I mean,

908
00:50:04.199 --> 00:50:06.119
<v Speaker 1>it's fabulous. Do you want it to?

909
00:50:06.199 --> 00:50:06.719
<v Speaker 2>I loved it.

910
00:50:06.840 --> 00:50:09.320
<v Speaker 1>People. A little bit of your new book? And are

911
00:50:09.320 --> 00:50:11.760
<v Speaker 1>you in pre order yet? With the new book? Everybody,

912
00:50:11.760 --> 00:50:13.960
<v Speaker 1>we're gonna we're going to put all the links to

913
00:50:14.000 --> 00:50:15.800
<v Speaker 1>her books up. We're gonna put her by over webs.

914
00:50:15.920 --> 00:50:18.360
<v Speaker 1>Don't worry, we'll get you in a blog and get everybody.

915
00:50:18.480 --> 00:50:19.760
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, fine, I love it.

916
00:50:20.039 --> 00:50:22.199
<v Speaker 1>New one? Where are we at with that? Are you?

917
00:50:22.519 --> 00:50:23.119
<v Speaker 1>Are you?

918
00:50:23.599 --> 00:50:26.400
<v Speaker 2>The new one doesn't come out until September of twenty sixth,

919
00:50:26.719 --> 00:50:30.480
<v Speaker 2>yet I don't even think it's pre ordering now. I'll try.

920
00:50:31.559 --> 00:50:33.480
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, please get one behind you? Yeah?

921
00:50:33.719 --> 00:50:36.880
<v Speaker 2>How too much? Definitely? Is it's too much?

922
00:50:37.480 --> 00:50:39.559
<v Speaker 1>It's too much? Out right, it's it's out.

923
00:50:39.920 --> 00:50:43.880
<v Speaker 2>It came out October of twenty four.

924
00:50:43.960 --> 00:50:46.360
<v Speaker 1>Okay, yeah, so it's been around for like a year,

925
00:50:46.440 --> 00:50:50.079
<v Speaker 1>almost a year. You're about to have a birthday for

926
00:50:50.119 --> 00:50:54.039
<v Speaker 1>your book. I sure am book birthdays. All right, there

927
00:50:54.239 --> 00:50:56.440
<v Speaker 1>is there anything else? So I'll put all your links

928
00:50:56.519 --> 00:50:58.280
<v Speaker 1>up and I'm going to go get your books too,

929
00:50:58.280 --> 00:51:00.960
<v Speaker 1>and I'll leave little Amazon reviews fun stop.

930
00:51:01.239 --> 00:51:03.599
<v Speaker 2>Thank you, I did. I want to make sure that

931
00:51:04.079 --> 00:51:08.480
<v Speaker 2>your audience gets the free gift free Terry Coole dot

932
00:51:08.519 --> 00:51:12.800
<v Speaker 2>com forward slash h FC for your free gift.

933
00:51:13.000 --> 00:51:15.840
<v Speaker 1>Okay, and maybe we'll do a little book club with

934
00:51:15.920 --> 00:51:17.679
<v Speaker 1>your book or somebody. We'll figure it out over on

935
00:51:17.760 --> 00:51:20.960
<v Speaker 1>best Ever. You great because our audience wraps around people

936
00:51:21.000 --> 00:51:22.159
<v Speaker 1>and their books and so forth.

937
00:51:22.880 --> 00:51:26.400
<v Speaker 2>Well, I super appreciate you having me on.

938
00:51:27.039 --> 00:51:28.960
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for being here. Is there anything else?

939
00:51:30.159 --> 00:51:31.320
<v Speaker 2>I feel like we covered it all?

940
00:51:31.480 --> 00:51:34.280
<v Speaker 1>Okay, all right, everybody, thank you so much for being

941
00:51:34.320 --> 00:51:38.159
<v Speaker 1>here with us in both video form and audio form

942
00:51:39.119 --> 00:51:41.760
<v Speaker 1>and social media form. Will make sure that's what we

943
00:51:41.760 --> 00:51:43.280
<v Speaker 1>should do. We should let people know where you are

944
00:51:43.320 --> 00:51:46.920
<v Speaker 1>on social media. Oh yeah, you like Instagram or LinkedIn?

945
00:51:47.920 --> 00:51:48.400
<v Speaker 1>Where are you?

946
00:51:48.519 --> 00:51:50.920
<v Speaker 2>I hang out on Instagram the most. It's just at

947
00:51:51.079 --> 00:51:54.920
<v Speaker 2>Terry Cole. Okay, that's really where I go. And it

948
00:51:54.960 --> 00:51:58.119
<v Speaker 2>may I also have my website Terry Coole dot com,

949
00:51:58.119 --> 00:51:59.679
<v Speaker 2>which you said at the top, And I have a

950
00:51:59.679 --> 00:52:01.920
<v Speaker 2>podcast that I've had for ten years called The Terry

951
00:52:01.920 --> 00:52:03.840
<v Speaker 2>Cole Show. You should come on there, Elizabeth.

952
00:52:03.840 --> 00:52:05.320
<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, I would love to be on there.

953
00:52:05.719 --> 00:52:07.960
<v Speaker 1>If people want to get a hold of you. Do

954
00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:11.599
<v Speaker 1>you like people to DM you? Email you put a

955
00:52:11.760 --> 00:52:13.559
<v Speaker 1>go through your contact form on your website. What do

956
00:52:13.559 --> 00:52:14.880
<v Speaker 1>you Where are you on that?

957
00:52:15.039 --> 00:52:17.239
<v Speaker 2>I'm in contact? Go to the website contact form. And

958
00:52:17.280 --> 00:52:20.360
<v Speaker 2>I have a really amazing community that people are welcome

959
00:52:20.400 --> 00:52:22.639
<v Speaker 2>to join as well called TCM, where we meet every

960
00:52:22.679 --> 00:52:27.280
<v Speaker 2>single week and just I answer questions. I do live

961
00:52:27.320 --> 00:52:29.079
<v Speaker 2>coaching every week in my community.

962
00:52:29.519 --> 00:52:32.599
<v Speaker 1>Is it how much does it cost?

963
00:52:32.639 --> 00:52:33.679
<v Speaker 2>Twenty nine dollars a month?

964
00:52:33.679 --> 00:52:37.360
<v Speaker 1>I think something like that. That'd be fun.

965
00:52:37.599 --> 00:52:39.239
<v Speaker 2>And I go live every single week.

966
00:52:39.760 --> 00:52:41.559
<v Speaker 1>Oh neat. How many people are in a group.

967
00:52:41.920 --> 00:52:45.400
<v Speaker 2>Like, meaning in that group? I think probably the whole

968
00:52:45.400 --> 00:52:47.119
<v Speaker 2>community is probably three hundred people.

969
00:52:47.360 --> 00:52:48.239
<v Speaker 1>Oh that's lovely.

970
00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:51.599
<v Speaker 2>That's but the people who show up live though, you

971
00:52:51.639 --> 00:52:54.760
<v Speaker 2>probably have like forty to fifty people every week live

972
00:52:54.800 --> 00:52:57.320
<v Speaker 2>on the calls. So every I answer every single question,

973
00:52:57.400 --> 00:52:59.000
<v Speaker 2>like every question gets answered me.

974
00:52:59.519 --> 00:53:04.440
<v Speaker 1>Okay, beautiful, all right, Well, big hugs, Thank you so much.

975
00:53:04.480 --> 00:53:07.440
<v Speaker 1>For being here. Thank you everybody in our sixteenth year,

976
00:53:07.480 --> 00:53:09.519
<v Speaker 1>and thank you. I wanted to just really quick shout

977
00:53:09.559 --> 00:53:11.880
<v Speaker 1>up Mel again too, and then we'll do your free

978
00:53:11.880 --> 00:53:15.039
<v Speaker 1>gift again one more time too. But you know you guys, really,

979
00:53:15.920 --> 00:53:19.199
<v Speaker 1>I have thousands of messages from you all in my DM.

980
00:53:19.480 --> 00:53:21.559
<v Speaker 1>I read every single one of them over the weekend

981
00:53:21.679 --> 00:53:25.679
<v Speaker 1>and yesterday, and we had gifts showing up at the

982
00:53:25.719 --> 00:53:26.239
<v Speaker 1>house here.

983
00:53:26.760 --> 00:53:29.239
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, baby, god, my baby.

984
00:53:29.480 --> 00:53:31.920
<v Speaker 1>So thank you all, because she really she was like

985
00:53:31.920 --> 00:53:34.280
<v Speaker 1>her own life coach. I swear by the end of it,

986
00:53:34.320 --> 00:53:36.000
<v Speaker 1>she would come out here and like what she would

987
00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:38.920
<v Speaker 1>have listened to this whole conversation, Terry, the whole entire thing.

988
00:53:39.159 --> 00:53:41.599
<v Speaker 1>She would have been right here, going she's cool, we're

989
00:53:41.679 --> 00:53:44.159
<v Speaker 1>honed in. I could always tell you I had a

990
00:53:44.199 --> 00:53:46.400
<v Speaker 1>cool guest on because she'd be like, yeah, I'm right here,

991
00:53:46.679 --> 00:53:49.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm listening with you. You're kind of thing. Or she'd sit

992
00:53:50.039 --> 00:53:52.880
<v Speaker 1>here on the armchair. So it was pretty fun. But anyway,

993
00:53:52.960 --> 00:53:56.079
<v Speaker 1>all right, enough about Mel and me and stuff. But okay,

994
00:53:56.119 --> 00:53:58.280
<v Speaker 1>we're gonna go get your free gift everybody. Terry Cole

995
00:53:58.360 --> 00:54:00.880
<v Speaker 1>t E R R I C O L E dot

996
00:54:00.920 --> 00:54:05.199
<v Speaker 1>com slash h F c for the free gift. All right,

997
00:54:06.079 --> 00:54:08.000
<v Speaker 1>thank you everybody, Thank you. Take care,