WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.600 --> 00:00:07.160 Hullo. I'm welcome to cheating all the time. Glad you 2 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:11.439 are here. Let's get into this next crazy sheet. The 3 00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:14.000 sun was just beginning to set, dipping behind the trees 4 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:15.880 at the edge of our back yard when I stepped 5 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:17.879 out onto the porch to call Alex in for dinner. 6 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:21.359 I pause, hugging my arms around myself as dusk crept in, 7 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:24.640 and heard his voice, low, insistent, almost pleading, trailing from 8 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:27.640 the garden shadows. He was on his phone, a handcuffed 9 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:30.559 around the receiver, crouched behind the sher A hush in 10 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:33.200 his tone i'd never heard before. I hovered for a 11 00:00:33.240 --> 00:00:36.759 moment before calling softly, Alex's Dinner's ready. At love, He 12 00:00:36.840 --> 00:00:38.759 jerked as if I had fired a starting pistol, and 13 00:00:38.840 --> 00:00:41.240 ended the coal in a blow of whispers. As I 14 00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:44.359 walked closer, I caught the unmistakable gesture, his thumb darting 15 00:00:44.359 --> 00:00:47.119 across the screen, deleting something, then tucking the phone deep 16 00:00:47.119 --> 00:00:51.000 into his pocket, shoulders tents. Who was that, I asked, 17 00:00:51.039 --> 00:00:54.280 doing my best to keep things light. Work thing, he muttered, 18 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:57.920 flashing me an artificial smile. The new project nerves, you know. 19 00:00:58.479 --> 00:01:00.640 He brushed past me into the kitchen, and I followed 20 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:03.600 the strange static of worry buzzing under my skin. Later, 21 00:01:03.759 --> 00:01:06.000 as we called together on the sofa, uplets abandoned in 22 00:01:06.040 --> 00:01:08.760 the coffee table, Alex's phone sat face down beside him. 23 00:01:09.280 --> 00:01:12.519 Something pulled at me, a sense of new secrecy. When 24 00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:14.799 he left to refill his glass, I reached for it, 25 00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:17.760 almost automatically, like I was checking for a text about groceries, 26 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:21.840 just as I used to. There was nothing. No miss calls, 27 00:01:22.040 --> 00:01:24.799 no message dreads, not even his mother's. I only tech ends. 28 00:01:25.439 --> 00:01:27.439 The car lock had been wiped as clean as the slate. 29 00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:31.680 That was new. That was wrong. I set the phone 30 00:01:31.680 --> 00:01:33.719 down before he came back, trying to breathe through the 31 00:01:33.719 --> 00:01:36.680 sudden chill creeping through my veins. Alex had always been 32 00:01:36.680 --> 00:01:39.480 an open book with me Montonnaire. As we turned the 33 00:01:39.480 --> 00:01:42.159 TV on and half watched silent runs, a question warmed 34 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:44.159 into my mind and made itself at home. What was 35 00:01:44.200 --> 00:01:47.079 my husband hiding? I found myself replaying the story of 36 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:49.879 us from the very beginning, searching perhaps for some sign 37 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:52.480 that I'd missed. Alex and I met in the loud 38 00:01:52.519 --> 00:01:55.519 warmth of a mutual friend's birthday party. It was summer 39 00:01:55.519 --> 00:01:57.879 there were fairy lights strong above the deck, friends laughing 40 00:01:57.959 --> 00:01:59.799 on the grass, were cheap wine, and I nearly tripped 41 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:02.760 over his toes reaching for a bottle opener. He grinned, 42 00:02:02.920 --> 00:02:05.239 offered one of those open upon handshakes, and from the 43 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:08.039 start we fell into conversation like we'd been speaking for years. 44 00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:11.759 We discovered that first night our shared obsession with winding, 45 00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:15.280 hiking trails and nestling under blankets for dumb comedies. Once 46 00:02:15.280 --> 00:02:17.879 our relationship began, it moved easily, like a river that 47 00:02:17.879 --> 00:02:19.960 had always known which way to run by a lay 48 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:22.400 in our marriage, so much of our happiness was wrapped 49 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:24.960 up in the small things. Evening spent cooking dinner side 50 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:28.280 by side, Flyer smudges on our noses, laughing over bad puns, 51 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:30.120 and stores about the creasiness of his office. On my 52 00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:33.680 troublesome client calls, he come home, tosses keys in the counter, 53 00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:36.479 and immediately start unloading about this day. If I had 54 00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:38.120 a hard shift, he draw me into a hug that 55 00:02:38.199 --> 00:02:41.639 lasted until my breathing slowed. We made plans for the weekends, 56 00:02:41.639 --> 00:02:44.159 hopping from hiking trails to movie night with friends, never 57 00:02:44.199 --> 00:02:47.319 worrying about bank accounts or secrets. Our house was small 58 00:02:47.360 --> 00:02:49.360 but full of sunlight and music, and even when the 59 00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:52.439 usual annoyances cropped up, house repairs, pouring budget in talks, 60 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:54.159 we always seemed to land back in the comfort of 61 00:02:54.199 --> 00:02:56.879 each other's company. We went to parties as a unit, 62 00:02:56.960 --> 00:02:59.479 invited the same friends into our tiny kitchen, offered each 63 00:02:59.479 --> 00:03:01.759 other our full Whenever an address, playlist, or a change 64 00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:04.520 of plans was needed, nothing was locked, No one was 65 00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:08.680 a welcome. Those years felt innocently easy. Even Alex's phone 66 00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:11.599 habits wopen and relaxed. He left it on the counter 67 00:03:11.719 --> 00:03:14.639 when he showered, handed it over for directions during road trips. 68 00:03:15.319 --> 00:03:18.400 There were no secret passwords, no odd glances, no quick 69 00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:20.719 efforts to hide, no eifications. Whenever I walked into a 70 00:03:20.840 --> 00:03:23.759 room looking back, I can't pinpoint the exact moment that 71 00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:27.439 ease began to free, but things changed. The first odd 72 00:03:27.479 --> 00:03:30.520 moment was over dinner a Thursday. I'd made his favorite 73 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:33.560 creamy mushroom pasta. We were half way through a conversation 74 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:35.919 about our next taking trip when Alex's phone buzzed on 75 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:38.639 the table. He glanced at the screen, and I watched 76 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:41.680 his whole face change, not with simple distraction, but something sharper, 77 00:03:42.280 --> 00:03:45.759 his shoulder square defensively. I was losing focus. He stood 78 00:03:45.800 --> 00:03:48.719 up abruptly, muttered God to take this, sorry, and disappeared 79 00:03:48.759 --> 00:03:51.520 into the night air. A few minutes later, I wandered 80 00:03:51.560 --> 00:03:53.800 on to the porch and show whether to give him privacy. 81 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:55.960 His back was turned to me for his low and 82 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:59.240 uneasily intimate. When a stepped closer, he ended to call 83 00:03:59.319 --> 00:04:02.479 so quickly as to seemed startled by my approach, almost guilty. 84 00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:07.120 I tilted my head. Everything okay, yeah, just a coworker, 85 00:04:07.240 --> 00:04:10.560 nothing much, he replied, brosque. He came back to the 86 00:04:10.599 --> 00:04:13.879 table but wouldn't meet my eyes. Dinner finished in silence, 87 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.600 as if some one else's presence still lingered between us. 88 00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:19.360 When I glanced at his phone later and you five 89 00:04:19.399 --> 00:04:22.560 digit passcoats green glared back at me. The once familiar 90 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:26.120 device was now off limits. That weekend, Alex claimed he'd 91 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:27.879 have to work late, an unusual twist for his typical 92 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:31.000 nine to five logistics draw, especially given his consistent home 93 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:34.079 body routine. I accepted his words of face value, but 94 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:36.399 when he came through the door closed to midnight, something 95 00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:39.040 was off. His shirt was tucked in messily and like 96 00:04:39.079 --> 00:04:41.160 the crisp border he'd left with, and his skin carried 97 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:43.720 the subtle sweetness of ascent. I didn't wear for just 98 00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:47.519 a second. I considered asking. Instead, I simply said, did 99 00:04:47.560 --> 00:04:49.160 you eat? Do you want me to heed up dinner? 100 00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:51.959 He went straight to the shower, leaving his phone propped 101 00:04:51.959 --> 00:04:54.240 on the bathroom counter, a place he'd never left it before. 102 00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:57.079 Every day after that, the sense of separation seemed to 103 00:04:57.120 --> 00:05:00.279 double more and more. Alex came home late. His skise 104 00:05:00.360 --> 00:05:03.600 is identical, last minute inventory audit, A client call ran long. 105 00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:05.759 I had to help with a big shipman. I tried 106 00:05:05.800 --> 00:05:07.959 to be understanding. After all, I loved him, and I 107 00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:10.879 believe in the man he'd always been. Still, worry crept 108 00:05:10.920 --> 00:05:15.279 in small things became heavy. Was I being irrational or disconsiderate? 109 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:18.439 Was I overreacting? Or was there something terrible unfolding just 110 00:05:18.480 --> 00:05:21.639 beyond my line of sight? Soon the changes deepened into 111 00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:24.519 something I couldn't ignore. It started with an idea born 112 00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:27.639 from longing. I wanted to surprise Alex at his office, 113 00:05:27.680 --> 00:05:29.519 bring him a warm dinner so he wouldn't have to 114 00:05:29.560 --> 00:05:31.959 eat out of the vending machine again. I packed his 115 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:34.439 favorite sandwich and a cold soda, getting a little frill 116 00:05:34.480 --> 00:05:36.720 at the thought of seeing his face light up. But 117 00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:39.600 when I arrived and greeted the receptionist, she frowned, checking 118 00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:42.600 her screen. Oh, Alex left a couple hours ago. I 119 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:44.879 think he said he was meeting friends for dinner. Did 120 00:05:44.920 --> 00:05:47.600 you want to leave something on his desk? I blinked, 121 00:05:47.639 --> 00:05:51.920 feeling my face flush. No, that's fine, thanks. I walked 122 00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:54.000 back to the car. My hands called. Despite the late 123 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:56.879 spring warmth, I sat for a while in a parking lot, 124 00:05:56.959 --> 00:05:58.959 unable to turn the key, trying to piece together an 125 00:05:58.959 --> 00:06:02.240 explanation that didn't feel like an accusation. When Alex returned 126 00:06:02.279 --> 00:06:05.279 home later, agitated and restless, he claimed, sorry, everything just 127 00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:07.639 run late, you know how it is. He offered no 128 00:06:07.720 --> 00:06:10.480 further details, and after a quick shower, he slept into 129 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:12.160 bed without so much as a peck in the cheek 130 00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:15.600 the phone once always lying about the apartment, none ever 131 00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:17.920 left his side, not when he changed clothes, not even 132 00:06:17.959 --> 00:06:20.879 when he ducked into the bathroom. Every notification was met 133 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:22.639 with a flash of his hand, the screen turning or 134 00:06:22.639 --> 00:06:25.279 pick before I could see a name. One night, in 135 00:06:25.319 --> 00:06:27.959 a desperate ploy for normalcy, I suggested we attend a 136 00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:30.360 company gathering that his work was hosting casual drinks and 137 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:33.519 pizza with his teammates. Alex test hated, almost as though 138 00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:36.519 he'd forgotten I was always invited to these things. Well, 139 00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:38.680 he agreed, and we showed up together, arm in arm, 140 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:41.839 as we always used to. That evening, I noticed Alex 141 00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:44.360 exchanging glance after glance with the new employer, woman I'd 142 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:46.560 barely met, but whom he'd only spoken of in passing. 143 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:49.560 Her name was Jessica as She was all bold, lipstick 144 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:52.680 and nervous laughter. More than once I caught the two 145 00:06:52.680 --> 00:06:55.079 of them sharing inside jokes and lingering just a second 146 00:06:55.079 --> 00:06:58.560 too long on each other's words. Afterward, asked about her, 147 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:02.120 Alex's reply, I was clipped, She's just part of the 148 00:07:02.120 --> 00:07:04.600 new project that's at M. I barely know her. He 149 00:07:04.639 --> 00:07:08.879 immediately steered to conversation elsewhere. Intimacy started to slip away. 150 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:12.160 Alex began shrinking from my touch, feigning sleep when I 151 00:07:12.240 --> 00:07:15.480 reached for him. At night. Conversations at once tumbled, easily 152 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:19.079 became perfunctory, his defenses rising at the simplest questions. And 153 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:22.160 then there were the messages. One morning in our kitchen, 154 00:07:22.199 --> 00:07:25.040 Alex's phone buzz with a flurry of notifications, and on 155 00:07:25.079 --> 00:07:27.120 the locks green I glimpsed the beginning of a message 156 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:30.839 from some work a nickname, perhaps, some one I didn't recognize. 157 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:34.360 The rest was hidden. I waited until he left the room, 158 00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:37.959 then tried to ask what he'd needed. Alex's answer brittle 159 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:40.560 and shop landed with the force of a slap. It's 160 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:42.519 just a work thing, and why are you always so 161 00:07:42.600 --> 00:07:45.839 interested in my phone lately? You're being paranoid? He left 162 00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:47.959 for work in a hurry, and I found myself staring 163 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.399 at the wall, trying to well away the rising gnoss's 164 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:54.279 suspicion that had become a constant companion. Days stretched, tension mounting. 165 00:07:54.839 --> 00:07:57.279 Alex's late nights grew more common, and whenever he was 166 00:07:57.319 --> 00:07:59.160 home he was a shell of the man I'd married. 167 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:02.240 I found found myself longing for even a plain evening together, 168 00:08:02.279 --> 00:08:05.759 anything assembling the comfort of before. Curiosity became a kind 169 00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:09.399 of compulsion. Each night I scanned the small clues, the misdnners, 170 00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:13.120 the careful silences, the exhausted denial in his eyes, and then, 171 00:08:13.160 --> 00:08:15.439 ever so slowly, the lines that had once connected us 172 00:08:15.439 --> 00:08:18.360 turned into a way up, sticky and impossible to escape. 173 00:08:18.399 --> 00:08:20.439 Then came the moment everything changed, to the moment the 174 00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:24.519 fluttering suspicions became undeniable. One evening, as I rinsed the 175 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:26.600 dishes and listened to the water run through my hands, 176 00:08:26.680 --> 00:08:29.560 Alex's phone startled me with an unrelenting series of buzzes 177 00:08:29.560 --> 00:08:32.000 from the coffee table. He was in the shaw, something 178 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:34.200 he'd never do with his phone. Out of arms reached before. 179 00:08:34.759 --> 00:08:37.000 When I peeked at the screen, a new message prev 180 00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:39.639 glowed up at me. Last night was perfect, Missy. Already 181 00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:44.159 the world went perfectly still. My breath caught, my hand 182 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:47.000 moved on its own, opening the message. It was from 183 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:51.639 Jessica dread Savella. Conversations had been deleted, but enough affectionate 184 00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:54.960 words were left behind, a breadcrumb trail of lorning, waiting, nicknames, 185 00:08:55.039 --> 00:08:57.559 confessions about how good it felt just to be alone together. 186 00:08:58.279 --> 00:09:01.039 Stunned my legs, carrying me without thinking, I retreated to 187 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:03.840 our bedroom and found myself rifling through Alex's jacket pocket, 188 00:09:03.960 --> 00:09:06.919 desperate for something, anything, that could explain this away. My 189 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:09.759 fingers closed around a folded piece of receipt paper logo 190 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:12.000 for a tiny etal in bistro we'd always meant to try, 191 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:14.519 but never had the date matched. One of his cleaned 192 00:09:14.559 --> 00:09:17.879 late nights. There were two meals on the check on 193 00:09:17.960 --> 00:09:20.200 the back, some on her I was sure had scrawled 194 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:22.159 at an amazing time. Can't wait to do it again. 195 00:09:22.679 --> 00:09:26.279 I sat down, the evidence gathering in my lap, Almost detached. 196 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:28.559 I opened our shared lapt up perilla used by Alex 197 00:09:28.960 --> 00:09:32.200 leust he leave a trace. I navigated the browser history, 198 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:34.639 hand shaking, and stopped at a booking confirmation for a 199 00:09:34.639 --> 00:09:37.000 local Bautique hotel, also on a date when he'd ward lay. 200 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:40.039 The sound of running water stopped. A jolt racing through 201 00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:42.519 my heart at the thought of him emerging. I closed 202 00:09:42.519 --> 00:09:44.679 the laptop and pocketed the receipt. Just as Alex came 203 00:09:44.720 --> 00:09:47.720 down the hall, his hair wet, skin still flushed. He 204 00:09:47.799 --> 00:09:51.240 smiled an unsteady, sheepish smile as he reached for his phone. 205 00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:54.279 Our eyes locked. He held my gaze for a half second, 206 00:09:54.279 --> 00:09:57.960 longer than usual. I forced myself to say nothing. Later 207 00:09:58.039 --> 00:09:59.639 that week, I heard him on the back porch late 208 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:02.840 at night, murmuring into his phone. I caught just enough. 209 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:05.320 His voice lighted softer than I'd known in months, ending 210 00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:07.559 with I can't wait to see you again. When he 211 00:10:07.639 --> 00:10:09.519 hung up and noticed me at the window, he stiffened 212 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:13.759 cheek's colory. I barely slept those next nights. Memories ran 213 00:10:13.799 --> 00:10:16.519 through my mind like Cinemarreles. The easy laughter, the safe 214 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:18.879 feeling of his arms, the years we'd spent in tangling 215 00:10:18.919 --> 00:10:21.799 life together, all of it suddenly called into question by 216 00:10:21.879 --> 00:10:24.799 damning intimate proof the last strolls. A glance at his 217 00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:29.279 contacts while he slept, Sam worked Hejeska's secondaryfhone number attached, 218 00:10:29.279 --> 00:10:32.159 her last name hidden, but her picture in the contact information. 219 00:10:32.679 --> 00:10:35.360 There was no denying it any more, but denial and 220 00:10:35.399 --> 00:10:37.159 pin where all I had the energy for. As I 221 00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:39.600 fought to hold on to some shred of compoter, I 222 00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:42.799 needed the truth confirmed. I needed, above all else to 223 00:10:42.840 --> 00:10:45.000 be sure, not just for myself, but for some sense 224 00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:47.799 of closure, some feign possibility that I could confront him 225 00:10:47.799 --> 00:10:50.919 on with facts rather than suspicions. So I did something 226 00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:53.200 I never imagined i'd do, in something the emily of before, 227 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:56.759 with cold, shimful, paranoid, or even cruel, I installed a 228 00:10:56.759 --> 00:10:59.919 GPS upon Alex's phon while he was distracted making coffee. 229 00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:02.879 It ate at me doing it. I felt dirty and wrong, 230 00:11:02.960 --> 00:11:04.960 but the need for Anzos was too sharp to ignore. 231 00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:08.559 The evidence so far was circumstantial, easily twisted bay lie 232 00:11:08.600 --> 00:11:10.960 or half truth. The next time Alex clamed the late 233 00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:13.159 night at work client dinner Don't Wait Up, I watched 234 00:11:13.159 --> 00:11:15.759 his location dot drift across the city away from his office, 235 00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:18.919 finally settling at the same Batiko hotel. My hands were 236 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:21.039 numb as I grabbed my keys and drove into the city. 237 00:11:21.720 --> 00:11:23.960 My heart thudded so violently I thought it might burst 238 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:26.080 as I entered the hotel lobby, scanning the guests and 239 00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:28.720 show what I was looking for. And then I saw them, 240 00:11:28.759 --> 00:11:31.639 Alex and Jessica standing close, laughing, her hand on his 241 00:11:31.720 --> 00:11:34.720 cheek in that gentle, intimate way lovers do. Their body 242 00:11:34.799 --> 00:11:36.919 language was so unmistakable it felt like a punch to 243 00:11:36.960 --> 00:11:39.720 the guart. I snapped a photo with my phone, more 244 00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:42.000 from reflex and purpose, then turned and left before they 245 00:11:42.000 --> 00:11:44.120 saw me, swallowing the screen that wanted to rip through 246 00:11:44.120 --> 00:11:47.200 my throat. I spent the lawn drive home alternately crying 247 00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:49.600 a numb, the city's lights blurring past, as I rehearsed 248 00:11:49.600 --> 00:11:51.679 what I'd say, what I might draw or break or 249 00:11:51.720 --> 00:11:54.679 whether I'd simply vanished a hotel of my own. At home, 250 00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:57.399 I sifted through every record I could find, cross referencing 251 00:11:57.440 --> 00:11:59.679 the deleted coal locks Alex thought had disappeared, the dates 252 00:11:59.720 --> 00:12:02.679 of the hoe teil brookings, the receipts, the messages. A 253 00:12:02.720 --> 00:12:05.879 pattern emerged, cold and relentless. Every overtime nightmap to a 254 00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:09.279 secret rendezvous. Every late call and spur of defensiveness wove 255 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:11.240 into a net from which he apparently made no effort 256 00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:14.120 to escape, expecting me to be forever trusting, forever blind. 257 00:12:14.840 --> 00:12:17.679 Desperate to understand, I did one more thing. I went 258 00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:21.399 to Jessica's office during her lunch break, feigning casualness. When 259 00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:24.559 I introduced myself, her eyes widened, then shutter. I tried 260 00:12:24.600 --> 00:12:26.919 to keep my voice even. I think you know why 261 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:29.799 I'm here, Jessica. She stared for a long beat before 262 00:12:29.799 --> 00:12:32.399 shaking her head slowly. I think he need to talk 263 00:12:32.440 --> 00:12:35.360 to Alex, she said, her voice small and tired. That 264 00:12:35.519 --> 00:12:37.840 was all the confirmation I would get from her. I 265 00:12:37.919 --> 00:12:41.840 returned home with everything, texts, photos, receipts, confirmations laid out 266 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:44.440 on my laptop and in my trembling hands. It was 267 00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:47.320 a collection, only a fool or someone deeply wounded, would 268 00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:50.960 ever wish to compile? I waited. The next scheduled late 269 00:12:51.039 --> 00:12:54.200 night came. Alex arrived home just shy of midnight. His 270 00:12:54.279 --> 00:12:57.960 movement sheepish hands burrowed into his jacket, surprise overtaking his face. 271 00:12:58.000 --> 00:12:59.799 When he saw me sitting at the table, evidence fan 272 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:02.759 out before me, like cards and a magician's trick. He 273 00:13:02.799 --> 00:13:05.960 didn't speak at first. I waited, the silence rising up 274 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:09.240 between us like a wall. Finally I broke it. My 275 00:13:09.320 --> 00:13:11.679 voice came out level. Would you like to tell me 276 00:13:11.720 --> 00:13:14.639 where you were? His as flicked the receipts, the screenshots, 277 00:13:14.679 --> 00:13:16.519 the photo of him and Jessica in the hotel lobby. 278 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:21.120 Their closeness immortalized. He blanched, searching for an escape, arn explanation, 279 00:13:21.159 --> 00:13:24.279 however flimsy. I it's not what you think, he stammered. 280 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:28.159 I only waited, he hedge, shifting from one's story to 281 00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:31.039 the next, claims of just work, dinners who work, related stress, 282 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:34.399 or reventing to a friend. With every rebuttal, the evidence 283 00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:38.440 forced him further back. Then, Finally, his shoulder slumped in defeat. 284 00:13:38.960 --> 00:13:41.240 I didn't mean for it to get serious, he said, 285 00:13:41.639 --> 00:13:44.120 it just happened. I didn't want to hurt you. My 286 00:13:44.240 --> 00:13:45.840 voice broke then, though I tried to hold it in. 287 00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:48.519 How long has this been going on? Alex? Who is 288 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.279 she to you? He swallowed, glancing away. A few months. 289 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:55.799 It started as just talking, then we became more. He tried, 290 00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:58.480 as desperate cheaters do, to blame everything but himself, the 291 00:13:58.519 --> 00:14:01.120 stress from work. How I hadn't notice his struggles, How 292 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:03.879 he felt alone. I felt the betrayal rush over me, 293 00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:06.679 raw and wild, burning through every memory we'd built together. 294 00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:09.519 I told him, oh, demanded that he sleep in the 295 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:11.519 guest room while I found the words for my grief 296 00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:14.159 alone that night, alone, in every sense, for the first 297 00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:16.639 time in our marriage, I let myself finally break down. 298 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:18.639 The truth is sharp and called as a wind ratland 299 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:22.120 a window panes on that I suppose his weady unraveling 300 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:25.480 truly began. I stayed a week long after Alex's footsteps 301 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:28.360 had faded down the hall. Tears prickled and slipped from 302 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:31.639 my eyes, soaking the pillow, but I barely noticed. My 303 00:14:31.720 --> 00:14:34.919 mind wouldn't rest. It kept lipping backwards and forward, scrutinizing 304 00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:38.639 moment once mundane now twisted with new meaning, I pictured 305 00:14:38.679 --> 00:14:40.919 him and Jesska together in that hotel. There After a while, 306 00:14:40.960 --> 00:14:44.200 I sat at home, folding his laundry, rehearsing his favorite jokes. 307 00:14:44.799 --> 00:14:46.960 Betrayal was the only word that fit a bruce blooming 308 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:50.480 deeper than I thought possible. Sleep finally claimed me near dawn, 309 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:52.600 but it brought no peace, only shreds of panic and 310 00:14:52.639 --> 00:14:56.080 half remembered dreams. When I woke, and oppressive silence filled 311 00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:59.000 the house, I heard Alex moving around in the guest room, 312 00:14:59.039 --> 00:15:01.840 the faint sounds of drawers opening and closing, water running 313 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:04.320 in the end suite. It was the first morning in 314 00:15:04.360 --> 00:15:06.320 five years that he didn't bring me coffee in bed, 315 00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:09.159 didn't brush my hair aside, or kiss my forehead. In 316 00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:12.759 a kitchen, I moved mechanically, pouring cereal, avoiding his gaze 317 00:15:12.759 --> 00:15:15.360 as he appeared in the doorway. His face was haggar, 318 00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:17.679 his skin whan, but I felt nothing for his suffering. 319 00:15:18.279 --> 00:15:22.279 He lingered, watching me, Emily, can we please talk? I 320 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:25.600 didn't look up. I think he'd done enough talking. A 321 00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:28.399 heavy silence jerked the room. He crossed to the table, 322 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:31.360 sitting at the very edges of on trial. I'm sorry, 323 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:33.320 I really am. I never wanted to hurt you. It 324 00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:36.879 just got out of control. Out of control, I repeated, 325 00:15:36.919 --> 00:15:39.799 biding back bitterness. You mean the lies were booking a 326 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:42.120 hotel while telling me you were at work, or deleting 327 00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:46.039 your call logs every night, he winced. I panicked, iy, 328 00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:47.840 I felt like I was drowning at work, And with 329 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:51.679 a sigh he hesitated. We stopped talking. Em he were 330 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:54.919 always working late too. The words stung, but I wouldn't 331 00:15:55.000 --> 00:15:58.120 let him shift the blame. You could have said something instead. 332 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:01.000 He found somebody else. He buried his face in his 333 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:04.039 hands for a moment. I wanted to comfort him, the 334 00:16:04.120 --> 00:16:06.120 old thoge, to reach across the table and smooth away 335 00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:08.679 his pain. But that Emily was gone, and her place 336 00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:11.480 was a woman braced against the tidal wave. The rest 337 00:16:11.519 --> 00:16:14.480 of the morning felt surreal. We existed in the same space, 338 00:16:14.519 --> 00:16:17.200 but as strangers. The house now minefield of grief and anger. 339 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:19.759 He packed a small back after a whispered fun call, 340 00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:23.000 presumably to his sister, whose apartment was his likely refuge. 341 00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:25.279 He stood in the entraway for a long time, as 342 00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:28.559 if hoping I'd ask him to stay. I didn't. I 343 00:16:28.679 --> 00:16:31.120 just waited, arms wrapped tightly round my chest as he 344 00:16:31.159 --> 00:16:33.759 fumbled his keys and slipped out the door. When the 345 00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:36.000 latch clicked shut, I collapsed on the couch and stayed 346 00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:39.360 there for ires, staring at nothing. Eventually, my phone buzzed 347 00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:41.440 with the text from my best friend Zoe. How's it going, 348 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:45.919 miss you? You're okay. My thumb hovered above the keyboard 349 00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:49.960 for a minute before I tied no, Alex cheated, it's over. 350 00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:52.799 The phone erupted in a cascade of messages in miss 351 00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:56.039 Cole's I ignored most of them, not ready for sympathy 352 00:16:56.080 --> 00:16:59.080 or advice. I needed to feel at all first, the rhonis, 353 00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:01.279 the shame, the stupid, little chiding voice that asked how 354 00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:03.720 I could have let this happen. Night came early that 355 00:17:03.799 --> 00:17:06.720 first day. I wandered from room to room, lights off, 356 00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:09.640 not bothering to eat. A wedding photo on the mantle 357 00:17:09.680 --> 00:17:12.880 caught my eye. I stared at our grinning faces, his 358 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:15.640 hand on my waist, my cheek pressed his chest. I 359 00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:17.960 snatched it up and held it at the wall. The 360 00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:19.960 glass shattered, and I saw it with a noise that 361 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:22.680 didn't sound like me at all. The days blurred together 362 00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:25.440 after that. Brief had a schedule of its own, sharp 363 00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:28.400 in the mornings, dulling in the afternoons, returning in heavy 364 00:17:28.440 --> 00:17:32.839 waves at night. Alex called and texted constantly. Sometimes his 365 00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:37.160 messages were apologetic, sometimes angry, sometimes pleading. He wanted to 366 00:17:37.160 --> 00:17:40.640 come back to talk, to work through this. Once he wrote, 367 00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:43.039 I hate what I did. Please give me a chance 368 00:17:43.079 --> 00:17:46.319 to make it right. I still love you. Each message 369 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:48.160 tore open the wound, but still a part of me 370 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:51.279 wanted the pain to end. Sometimes I even let myself 371 00:17:51.279 --> 00:17:53.440 imagine that I could forgive, that we could piece together 372 00:17:53.519 --> 00:17:56.720 something from the ruins. But each time I replayed the evidence, 373 00:17:56.759 --> 00:17:58.839 the messages, the scent on his shirt, his hand on 374 00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:01.440 Jessca's cheek, I knew I never I know it. It's 375 00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:04.440 always bent long, patient evenings with me, sometimes in person, 376 00:18:04.599 --> 00:18:07.759 sometimes in the phone. Let yourself feel it, should say, 377 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.119 pressing tea into my hands. He's the one who destroyed this. 378 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:14.240 Don't you dare blame yourself. M Other friends chimed in, 379 00:18:14.519 --> 00:18:17.119 each with offers or advice. Kick him out, you deserve better, 380 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:20.119 Come stay at mine. I appreciated the support, but the 381 00:18:20.200 --> 00:18:21.880 only person I wanted to talk to was the one 382 00:18:21.880 --> 00:18:24.920 I could no longer. Trust Ward got round faster than 383 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:29.000 I ever imagined. Alex's sister, my texted me one afternoon. 384 00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:31.119 I know he screwed up, but he's trying his best. 385 00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:34.839 He made a mistake him. Don't throw it allway. I 386 00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:38.039 deleted her message with that reply. One day, my mother 387 00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:40.880 rang me at work. Her voice was tight with concern. 388 00:18:41.559 --> 00:18:45.200 Are you eating, sweetheart? You sound so tired. I'm fine, mam, 389 00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:48.079 I lied. My stomach had been in knots for days 390 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:51.240 and food tasted like cogboard. I caught my own reflection 391 00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:53.160 in the office bath room, a face drawn and pale 392 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:56.000 eyes were in red. I splashed water on my cheeks, 393 00:18:56.079 --> 00:18:58.519 rolled my mass back into place, and returned to my desk. 394 00:18:59.160 --> 00:19:02.720 Alex and had tried answering briefly. We sat together, stiff 395 00:19:02.759 --> 00:19:05.319 and silent, as the therapist gently probed why do you 396 00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:07.839 think this happened? And what do you want from each other? Now? 397 00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:11.079 Alex answered every question, but I'm sorry, and I want 398 00:19:11.079 --> 00:19:14.200 to fix us. I just shook my head hollow. I 399 00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:17.000 couldn't imagine a future where I ever let him close again. 400 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:20.359 The emptiness of our little house pressed on me. His 401 00:19:20.400 --> 00:19:22.680