WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.720 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls 4 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:13.199 Show on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on 5 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:18.719 the iHeartRadio app. H Holiday season, there's so much going 6 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:22.160 on in our relationships. I want everyone to take a 7 00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:28.879 nice deep breath. I know how stressful these days can be. 8 00:00:29.760 --> 00:00:33.759 But you know, I take my cue from a little 9 00:00:33.759 --> 00:00:37.960 old lady who I once saw in the cashier's line 10 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:42.880 at Gelson's. It was the week before Christmas. Both of 11 00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:46.159 our baskets were totally full of all the things you 12 00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:49.799 would need to lay out a Christmas table, and even 13 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:54.439 included things like some decorations and some special serving dishes, 14 00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:57.039 because you know, Gelson's has forggin everything. Hey, they don't 15 00:00:57.880 --> 00:01:00.759 tell me to say this, I'm just saying that's my So. 16 00:01:02.759 --> 00:01:06.200 I looked at her, and she looked at me, and 17 00:01:06.239 --> 00:01:09.840 we checked out each other's cart, and she said to me, 18 00:01:10.359 --> 00:01:13.400 was very sweet. She said, it looks like we have 19 00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:16.560 our work cut out for us this week. And I 20 00:01:16.599 --> 00:01:18.920 smiled at her, and I kind of did an eye roll. Oh, 21 00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:22.519 we certainly do, because you know, women hold families together, 22 00:01:22.959 --> 00:01:24.680 and men, I know you're out there, and I know 23 00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:27.799 a lot of you do more than just carve the turkey, 24 00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:30.079 although I'm shocked at how few men know how to 25 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:35.200 carve a turkey anymore, just saying, but women really create kinship, 26 00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:39.879 maintain the ties of family, do the physical labor of 27 00:01:39.959 --> 00:01:43.560 putting on various holiday dinners. So this woman said, well, 28 00:01:43.599 --> 00:01:45.200 it looks like we have our work cut out for. 29 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:45.840 Us this week. 30 00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:48.760 And I rolled my eyes, shrugged my shoulders and did 31 00:01:48.760 --> 00:01:55.000 the yeah for sure. And then she beamed and smiled 32 00:01:55.640 --> 00:01:59.079 and stared at me and said, but it's joyful work, dear, 33 00:01:59.560 --> 00:02:02.640 It's the best work of the year. And I thought, oh, 34 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:05.439 my gosh, what a way to look at it, to 35 00:02:05.719 --> 00:02:07.120 just reframe it. 36 00:02:08.039 --> 00:02:11.120 This year, I should tell you that I went up. 37 00:02:11.039 --> 00:02:13.479 To my farm in Oregon, where we're all heading up 38 00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:17.479 for the actual Christmas Day, and for the first time, 39 00:02:17.599 --> 00:02:21.240 my kids are launched and they have their own places, and. 40 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:23.439 My new husband was somewhere else. 41 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:27.080 It was on business somewhere at a different city, and 42 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:30.000 I was all by myself, and I was pulling out 43 00:02:30.039 --> 00:02:33.800 all the Christmas decorations opening those boxes. And I'm one 44 00:02:33.800 --> 00:02:36.599 of those people, Okay, like I'm not a huge collector 45 00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:39.159 of things. But one thing I did do because I 46 00:02:39.240 --> 00:02:41.680 traveled a lot with my kids when they were young. 47 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:44.479 And before you think I'm talking only as a woman 48 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:46.400 of privilege, there were a few years we were living 49 00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:49.360 in a studio apartment, but I made sure that travel 50 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:52.800 was the best education my kids ever had. So we 51 00:02:52.840 --> 00:02:54.560 would I would pull them out of school to get 52 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:58.599 cheaper plane flights. At different times, we would stay in 53 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:01.560 small airbnb so I had a kitchenette to be able 54 00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:03.560 to make food and not have to go out every night. 55 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.319 And by the time my oldest graduated high school, she'd 56 00:03:06.319 --> 00:03:11.080 gone to sixteen different countries. So what I did is 57 00:03:11.080 --> 00:03:15.000 whenever we traveled is I would buy Christmas ornaments because 58 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:17.800 you know, a lot of these souvenir shops all year 59 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:20.919 round sell Christmas ornaments, even if you go in the summer. 60 00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:24.439 So when I started opening up all the boxes, I 61 00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:28.280 pulled out beautiful ornaments from the al of Morongo, where 62 00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:33.120 the glass blowing island in Italy, Iceland that had icicles 63 00:03:33.159 --> 00:03:36.639 on it. I found New Mexico, I found places in 64 00:03:36.680 --> 00:03:41.479 Canada I found Costa Rica. I found this beautiful little 65 00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:46.199 ornament of Notre Dame that played the music and the bells. 66 00:03:46.639 --> 00:03:49.199 Of course that was before Notre Dame burned down and 67 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:52.199 now has been rebuilt. But I went through the memories 68 00:03:52.400 --> 00:03:56.879 alone and rather than it being a wistful time, I 69 00:03:57.240 --> 00:03:59.680 open myself a little battle of bubbly, just gonna say 70 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:01.919 I why not have a flute champagne with you while 71 00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:05.479 you have the Christmas music on? And instead of me 72 00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:08.479 feeling lonely or feeling like, oh, I have to do 73 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:11.039 all this work by myself, the kids aren't here helping me, 74 00:04:11.080 --> 00:04:14.639 I got to decorate instead. I felt like it was 75 00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:19.120 an assessment. It was going through a life that I'd 76 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:21.600 spent as a single mom for twenty years. It was 77 00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:24.079 seeing the fruits of it. It was me wondering when my 78 00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:25.600 kids are going to come to me and say, hey, 79 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:27.720 half of those are mine. I'm doing my own Christmas 80 00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:30.600 tree this year, and I could pass them on as 81 00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:34.000 a family tradition. But I really looked, and I think 82 00:04:34.040 --> 00:04:37.800 partly because of that sweet lady at Gelson's, I looked 83 00:04:37.800 --> 00:04:42.759 at the work as a time of joy. Now for 84 00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:47.240 some people, the holidays are not filled with complete joy 85 00:04:47.800 --> 00:04:50.439 because this year they may have lost a loved one. 86 00:04:51.319 --> 00:04:56.199 I want to remind everybody that life is about loss, 87 00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:00.000 and it is about regulating our feelings during a time 88 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:02.879 time of loss, it is also a time of growth, 89 00:05:03.319 --> 00:05:07.680 and that our lives kind of go in a circular. 90 00:05:08.199 --> 00:05:09.240 Pattern, almost like. 91 00:05:11.079 --> 00:05:13.800 I don't know, like when you plant a flower from 92 00:05:13.839 --> 00:05:16.600 a seed and then it grows into a beautiful plant, 93 00:05:17.000 --> 00:05:20.079 eventually blooms and dies and goes back to seed. 94 00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:22.079 There is this cycle of life. 95 00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:26.759 And I know, especially when you have a close intimate, 96 00:05:27.000 --> 00:05:31.519 if it's a romantic relationship with somebody, when that person dies, 97 00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:36.959 you lose a piece of yourself because relationships become our identity. 98 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:40.079 And I don't just mean our social identity. I literally 99 00:05:40.160 --> 00:05:43.160 mean two brains merge as one if you have a good, 100 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:46.480 secure attachment. I'll tell you, since I've been married, and 101 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:48.519 since I've been with my guy, I feel like my 102 00:05:48.600 --> 00:05:51.439 life is so easy and light because half. 103 00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:51.920 The work is done. 104 00:05:51.959 --> 00:05:54.319 And I don't just mean the domestic labor, which he's 105 00:05:54.360 --> 00:05:57.720 great at. I mean half the thinking, half the feeling, 106 00:05:57.839 --> 00:06:01.519 half of everything. And so if you've awt someone this year, 107 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:04.839 I want to give you some of my personal advice 108 00:06:05.600 --> 00:06:10.639 Number one, you know what your timeline for grieving is, 109 00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:14.360 your timeline. Don't feel pressured to get over it. I 110 00:06:14.360 --> 00:06:16.759 don't know who thought up this. Well, you know, you 111 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:19.000 got one year and then grieving is over. 112 00:06:19.399 --> 00:06:19.600 You know. 113 00:06:19.639 --> 00:06:23.000 I watch people place pictures on Facebook of family members 114 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:26.360 who have died in years past, and they're still remembering 115 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:29.240 them around the holidays or around their birthdays. And I 116 00:06:29.279 --> 00:06:33.120 think it's wonderful, wonderful to keep the thoughts of them alive. 117 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:38.480 But some people even leave a chair at the table 118 00:06:38.519 --> 00:06:43.480 for that person. Some people play their favorite music that 119 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:47.560 that person might have listened to, and they might write 120 00:06:47.759 --> 00:06:51.800 a love letter to that person. You know, it's important 121 00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:56.519 to understand that we all deal with grief in different ways. Now, 122 00:06:56.720 --> 00:06:59.480 I want to tell you that my family of origin, 123 00:06:59.560 --> 00:07:02.680 my New Clear family, are very interesting because they don't 124 00:07:02.759 --> 00:07:05.040 dwell and own memories. They sort of old memories. They 125 00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:06.720 kind of close the book and move on. We're move 126 00:07:06.759 --> 00:07:09.600 on people. I don't know whether it's a staunch Irish 127 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:13.360 Catholic thing. The person dies, we have the wake, we 128 00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:16.199 clean out the closet, it's done. My family, like, I 129 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:18.319 don't even know where my parents they died when I 130 00:07:18.399 --> 00:07:22.079 was in like thirty and thirty one. I don't even 131 00:07:22.079 --> 00:07:25.079 know where they're buried. I've never visited their graves. Producer 132 00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:27.120 Kale's look give me wide eyed, like what the heck? 133 00:07:27.560 --> 00:07:31.360 I'm like, No, we don't do like that. However, we 134 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:34.680 do have my mom's recipe book, we do have my 135 00:07:34.839 --> 00:07:38.800 dad's way of cooking a Sunday dinner. We do mention 136 00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:41.319 them from time to time, not in a wistful way, 137 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:45.480 but they we also realize they live within us. I 138 00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:48.839 see little pieces of my mom and my daughter's and 139 00:07:48.839 --> 00:07:50.879 they never met their grandmother. She died before they were 140 00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:55.279 ever born or conceived. But I think we shouldn't judge 141 00:07:55.319 --> 00:07:58.839 how people grieve. And you do, you right, Whatever you 142 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:02.240 need to do this year at the holiday, to celebrate 143 00:08:02.279 --> 00:08:04.519 a loved one, or get over a loved one and 144 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:09.040 try something completely different, go to a different house, travel 145 00:08:09.079 --> 00:08:10.399 for the holiday, whatever. 146 00:08:10.079 --> 00:08:13.160 It is you do, you all right. 147 00:08:13.240 --> 00:08:16.480 Speaking of stress, when we come back, I do have 148 00:08:16.519 --> 00:08:21.360 some very concrete, literal tips that we can all use 149 00:08:21.720 --> 00:08:25.160 to have a healthier, stress free holiday. 150 00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:26.319 You're listening to the Dr. 151 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:29.800 Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 152 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:31.920 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 153 00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:37.320 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 154 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:40.840 AM six forty. Welcome ap to. 155 00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:43.799 The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty 156 00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:47.840 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So most of you 157 00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:51.720 know that I got married. Yes, I did in August, 158 00:08:52.120 --> 00:08:54.559 and I planned it was a very much a DIY wedding. 159 00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:57.080 I planned everything to a t. But during the actual 160 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:00.960 day of you know, I had packed these these bags 161 00:09:01.000 --> 00:09:03.360 for each table that had all the dishes, the glasses, 162 00:09:03.399 --> 00:09:06.000 the candles, the flowers, the play a map of the 163 00:09:06.039 --> 00:09:06.559 place setting. 164 00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:07.480 Who got the place cards? 165 00:09:07.480 --> 00:09:10.440 Where I was very organized, let's just mashy. So there 166 00:09:10.440 --> 00:09:12.279 were twelve of these bags, and then it was up 167 00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:15.600 to a little army of girlfriends to each grab a 168 00:09:15.600 --> 00:09:18.399 bag decorate the table while I was off doing hair 169 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:20.679 and makeup and being a bride. And then they had 170 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:24.720 to get the I had made the archway thing the arbor. 171 00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:27.440 They had to get that on correctly. Another friend of 172 00:09:27.480 --> 00:09:29.639 mine was doing all the flower arrangements. I didn't really 173 00:09:29.679 --> 00:09:31.759 direct her on that, although I picked out the flowers 174 00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:36.360 the day before, but I had to stop and just 175 00:09:36.440 --> 00:09:39.879 let it go and show up at my wedding and 176 00:09:39.960 --> 00:09:43.720 not spend the day going oh god, almost the flowers 177 00:09:43.720 --> 00:09:45.639 had been that way. Oh why didn't they put the 178 00:09:45.639 --> 00:09:48.679 place card on that angle? It would have driven me nuts. 179 00:09:48.960 --> 00:09:51.200 I wanted to just enjoy it. And the reason why 180 00:09:51.240 --> 00:09:54.519 I'm telling you this story is because this is what 181 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:58.240 the holidays are to many women like it must a 182 00:09:58.320 --> 00:10:01.360 table must look a certain way, the people must sit 183 00:10:01.480 --> 00:10:03.840 in a certain order, The things have to it has 184 00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:07.080 to be perfect. So I want to talk to you 185 00:10:07.320 --> 00:10:12.200 about reducing holiday stress by telling you that the first 186 00:10:12.279 --> 00:10:15.720 thing you should know is that we live in an 187 00:10:15.720 --> 00:10:20.320 imperfect world and those people who are coming to your home, 188 00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:26.200 family members, friends, are not extras in your movie. They 189 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:29.759 are the stars of their own movie. You, in fact, 190 00:10:29.799 --> 00:10:33.519 are an extra in their movie. Okay, a set designer anyway, Right, 191 00:10:34.039 --> 00:10:38.200 So we really have to just let go and let 192 00:10:38.360 --> 00:10:42.879 life once we've done as much planning as we possibly can. 193 00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:46.440 And I'll tell you I'm using the example of my 194 00:10:46.440 --> 00:10:51.120 wedding again because it was the best day of my life, 195 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:54.440 but it could have been the worst day if I 196 00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:58.159 spent time thinking about, Oh, this wasn't exactly how I imagine. 197 00:10:58.200 --> 00:10:59.960 Oh she didn't do that, and that person was supposed 198 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:02.960 sitting there white they change seats, but I didn't. I 199 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.240 didn't allow myself. If even a spark of a thought 200 00:11:06.279 --> 00:11:09.320 of that started to creep in for a second, I 201 00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:11.919 would push it away and say, I am so happy. 202 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:15.120 I cannot believe I'm getting to attend this beautiful party 203 00:11:15.159 --> 00:11:18.679 and that it all came to fruition. So let's talk 204 00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:20.639 about some of the things that come up over the 205 00:11:20.639 --> 00:11:26.440 holidays that cause stress. First of all, family dynamics. You know, 206 00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:29.799 when everybody gets to that holiday table, they all become 207 00:11:29.799 --> 00:11:32.360 twelve years old again, even if they're in their forties. 208 00:11:32.840 --> 00:11:37.120 The sibling rivalry is alive and well the parent's favorite 209 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:41.360 child is very clear, right, So I need you to 210 00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:47.039 rise above it, literally look past it. Think about bringing 211 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:51.559 the family together and strengthening their relationships in different ways. 212 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:57.559 For instance, try playful activities to get did you producer, Kayla, 213 00:11:57.639 --> 00:12:00.600 hear my stomach just growl right there? Yeah, I'm late 214 00:12:00.679 --> 00:12:01.320 for my dinner. 215 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:03.159 I think it's what it is. Yeah, we gotta get 216 00:12:03.159 --> 00:12:05.000 a bite after this. We got to put something in there. 217 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:06.840 Did you actually hear on the mic? I saw your 218 00:12:06.840 --> 00:12:07.720 eyes go like. 219 00:12:07.639 --> 00:12:12.200 Whoa it's my stomach growling. Yeah, I've been doing this 220 00:12:12.279 --> 00:12:15.480 intermittent fasting thing, and you get a little growley when 221 00:12:15.480 --> 00:12:18.879 you put a stomach a coffee in a completely empty stomach. 222 00:12:18.919 --> 00:12:20.559 And that's why I did it. I had a coffee. 223 00:12:20.440 --> 00:12:24.279 Before the show and it just gurgle, gurg Plus, you 224 00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:26.799 know I love my probiotics. We're gonna have a little 225 00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:29.159 nutrition seminar now in the middle of this. Anyway, let 226 00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:31.240 me just say this about one of the ways that 227 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:34.960 your family can build stronger relationships over for the holidays. 228 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:39.440 Do things together. Don't just sit around and look at 229 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:42.720 each other and start arguments. All right, So, for instance, 230 00:12:43.559 --> 00:12:48.240 this year, I have told my my new husband's kids 231 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:51.120 and my own young adult kids, this year will not 232 00:12:51.159 --> 00:12:53.879 be the year about presents. Please don't be represents. I 233 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:56.879 don't need more stuff. But what I want for Christmas 234 00:12:56.879 --> 00:13:00.120 from everybody is that you guys play Rommy Cube with me. 235 00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:04.360 Is my favorite table game, and I love Remicube, and 236 00:13:04.440 --> 00:13:08.000 I want those young citizens of my family to sit 237 00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:10.240 there and play with me. Hey, maybe you want to 238 00:13:10.279 --> 00:13:12.360 play board games. Maybe you want to play charades or 239 00:13:12.360 --> 00:13:15.279 have organize a scavenger hunt. Oh the other thing I 240 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:17.759 told one of the kids, is I want them to 241 00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:21.159 teach me their favorite recipe at something. Yeah, give them 242 00:13:21.159 --> 00:13:26.159 some power and control. My oldest daughter has this eggnog recipe. 243 00:13:26.200 --> 00:13:28.360 I'll tell you that eggnog will put you on your butt. 244 00:13:29.279 --> 00:13:30.639 I don't know what she puts in it, but it 245 00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:35.200 is strong and she does that. Okay. Another thing you 246 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:39.000 can do to help build stronger relationships is please it's 247 00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:44.759 the holidays. Just get comfortable with having conflict. You don't 248 00:13:44.759 --> 00:13:47.360 have to resolve everything. You don't have to solve everything. 249 00:13:47.519 --> 00:13:49.679 You don't have to be the play cater, the negotiator, 250 00:13:49.879 --> 00:13:50.759 the smoother over. 251 00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:53.000 Let them picker and walk away. 252 00:13:53.159 --> 00:13:53.799 You know what's. 253 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:55.679 Interesting is one of the things that drives me the 254 00:13:55.720 --> 00:13:57.919 most crazy. I don't know why. This is my little 255 00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:02.039 hot button is my kids fight. It just goes up 256 00:14:02.080 --> 00:14:05.399 my spine when they argue and they bicker. So they 257 00:14:05.399 --> 00:14:07.279 were arguing the last time we were all together, they 258 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:07.960 were arguing and. 259 00:14:07.879 --> 00:14:10.919 I literally lost it and said, you guys, stop fighting. 260 00:14:10.960 --> 00:14:11.759 I hate it when you fight. 261 00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:14.879 And they both stopped and just stared at me and 262 00:14:14.919 --> 00:14:16.720 they go, we're not even fighting, mom, this's just how 263 00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:19.960 we talk. And they were laughing at me. So apparently 264 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:22.840 they have this way of bickering that is part of 265 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:25.320 their way of communicating. So I had to get comfortable 266 00:14:25.320 --> 00:14:30.000 with it that that's just what they do. Also, avoid 267 00:14:30.039 --> 00:14:32.679 those old patterns. If you know that the fight happens 268 00:14:32.679 --> 00:14:35.679 at the dinner table when somebody brings up politics or whatever, 269 00:14:36.519 --> 00:14:41.519 just change it up, do something different. You know, one year, 270 00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:45.320 my daughter, I have two daughters with two different body 271 00:14:45.360 --> 00:14:48.559 types by nature, and one of them I've always been 272 00:14:49.080 --> 00:14:51.919 doing absolutely the wrong thing, and I've been on her 273 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.919 about her eating and her weight. And one year she 274 00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.159 came home for Christmas and she just said, hey, Mom, 275 00:14:57.639 --> 00:14:59.360 I think the first thing I said, you know, when 276 00:14:59.399 --> 00:15:02.440 she was going to make a big, fattening, calorie laden, 277 00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:05.799 high fat, high sugar dessert is I think I said, hey, 278 00:15:05.879 --> 00:15:07.440 you know, don't make it too big. We don't need 279 00:15:07.480 --> 00:15:10.159 to eat that much sugar this year. And she said, okay, Mom, 280 00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:13.039 this is the holidays. I'm going to ask you not 281 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:18.559 to talk about bodies, body weight, cooking, sugar, anything for 282 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:20.759 this break. It would make a better holiday for me. 283 00:15:21.360 --> 00:15:24.399 And she said it calm like that, like I wish 284 00:15:24.600 --> 00:15:28.480 I could be more calm. And I said, oh, you're right, 285 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:32.879 and so now when the holidays are there, nobody's talking 286 00:15:32.919 --> 00:15:37.720 about anybody's gaining weight, losing weight anything. We just eat 287 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:42.120 the food that's there and enjoy ourselves. Here's a final thought, 288 00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:45.360 go out for walks when we go visit my brother 289 00:15:45.399 --> 00:15:47.480 in Canada. One of the things we have to do 290 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:49.720 because there's so much food and the meals tend to 291 00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:52.759 back up against each other, is as a big family group, 292 00:15:52.840 --> 00:15:55.799 we put on our mclucks. Those are ugs for you guys, 293 00:15:56.039 --> 00:15:59.519 and we walk out in the snow. It's a good 294 00:15:59.799 --> 00:16:02.799 mile loop and through the woods at their house and 295 00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:06.639 they live kind of out in the wilderness and it's cold. 296 00:16:06.679 --> 00:16:09.440 You have to walk fast or your toes and fingers freeze, 297 00:16:09.799 --> 00:16:12.080 and it's a good chance we kind of. It starts 298 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:14.279 out with a group of maybe ten family members and 299 00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:16.320 then the fast walkers go out front, the slower ones 300 00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:18.720 are in the back chatting, and it goes into little 301 00:16:19.399 --> 00:16:21.919 conversation groups as we do our one mile walk, and 302 00:16:21.960 --> 00:16:24.080 we try to do it like twice a day after 303 00:16:24.120 --> 00:16:27.399 the big meals. It's a great thing to do, even 304 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:29.360 if you just take one or two people. It's a 305 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:33.840 healthy thing to get out, but it creates little smaller 306 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:37.120 conversations between people, and yeah, you'll be gossiping about the others, 307 00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:38.320 but that's what that's what families do. 308 00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:38.960 Just saying. 309 00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:41.240 Also, try hard not to go over your budget. Okay, 310 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:43.879 set a realistic budget and keep to it. It doesn't 311 00:16:43.960 --> 00:16:48.639 have to be over the top to bring love and joy. Hey, 312 00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:54.240 when we come back, I recently had a friendship end abruptly, 313 00:16:54.879 --> 00:16:57.600 and I want to talk about what that feels like, 314 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:00.759 and why it's actually normal and suposed to happen, and 315 00:17:00.759 --> 00:17:04.119 how we're supposed to deal with friendships, not just romantic relationship, 316 00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:07.200 but friendships that end. You are listening to the Doctor 317 00:17:07.240 --> 00:17:09.960 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 318 00:17:10.119 --> 00:17:11.960 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 319 00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:16.640 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 320 00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.000 AM six forty. Welcome back to. 321 00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:21.759 The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, 322 00:17:21.880 --> 00:17:25.839 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, So I talk 323 00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:30.519 a lot about romantic relationships because I'm obsessed with attachment 324 00:17:30.599 --> 00:17:35.319 theory and how our idea for love becomes a model 325 00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:36.559 for finding. 326 00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:38.200 Romantic love in the future. 327 00:17:38.720 --> 00:17:41.920 And when I teach I have my students take an 328 00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:44.839 attachment test. In fact, if you'd like to know your 329 00:17:44.920 --> 00:17:48.160 romantic attachment style, you can go You can google the 330 00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:52.440 words Chris Frehley, fr A L. E. Y Attachment test, 331 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.079 Chris Frehley, fr A L. E. Y Attachment test, and 332 00:17:56.240 --> 00:18:01.799 up comes a well respected researcher in the area of 333 00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:05.079 attachment who collects data. You don't have to give your 334 00:18:05.160 --> 00:18:07.480 name or anything like that, but you know demographic data 335 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:12.119 and gives for free and attachment test. Now here's what's 336 00:18:12.119 --> 00:18:15.279 interesting about it. He doesn't just ask you about your 337 00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:19.640 love relationships. He asks you, of course, about the relationship 338 00:18:19.720 --> 00:18:23.039 you had with your father, about the relationship you had 339 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:27.519 with your mother, and also the relationship you have with 340 00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:34.440 your best friend. Because these attachment behaviors we project onto 341 00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:39.920 all our relationships in life, including our friendships. Now I 342 00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:43.519 want to say that when a friendship ends, we don't 343 00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:47.880 actually have, you know, kind of cultural advice for how 344 00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:50.640 to do that. We know how to end a romantic 345 00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:53.160 breakup because there are enough books written about that. We 346 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:55.880 know it probably shouldn't be by text. We know it 347 00:18:55.920 --> 00:18:59.480 shouldn't be like weaned slowly off somebody till they quote 348 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:03.720 unquote get the message and disappear. We know people shouldn't 349 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:08.519 be ghosted. That can hurt terribly. We know that we 350 00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.920 should have a conversation with them. I'm fine with telephone. 351 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:14.480 I don't think you need to be in person. I'm 352 00:19:14.480 --> 00:19:17.039 a big telephone breaker upper. You know what, My husband 353 00:19:17.119 --> 00:19:19.480 Julio and I had this conversation the other day. Did 354 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:23.160 you know that I don't think anyone's ever broken up 355 00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:25.240 with me? I mean, there have been a lot of 356 00:19:25.240 --> 00:19:30.359 playboy guys that just sort of slowly fade away when 357 00:19:30.400 --> 00:19:32.960 I'm reaching out to them, But nobody's ever said, you know, 358 00:19:33.519 --> 00:19:35.880 I don't think it's gonna work with us, Wendy, because 359 00:19:36.039 --> 00:19:38.880 I think men are not big breaker uppers. Producer Kayla, 360 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:40.839 have you ever known a guy to actually break up 361 00:19:40.839 --> 00:19:41.759 and have the conversation? 362 00:19:41.960 --> 00:19:44.519 I was trying to think about it, and I don't 363 00:19:44.519 --> 00:19:44.799 think so. 364 00:19:44.960 --> 00:19:45.640 No, they avoid it. 365 00:19:45.640 --> 00:19:46.559 I think so. Yeah. 366 00:19:46.759 --> 00:19:49.160 Meanwhile, of course, my husband Julio told me he's been 367 00:19:49.160 --> 00:19:51.240 broken up with a lot because women say it. Okay, 368 00:19:51.359 --> 00:19:54.039 we say it. So let's get back to friendships. With friendships, 369 00:19:54.039 --> 00:19:55.960 we have no idea, but at a certain point we're like, 370 00:19:56.119 --> 00:20:00.400 you know what, that friendship I've kind of outgrown, it's 371 00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:05.079 not working for me now, or maybe somebody is resentful 372 00:20:05.720 --> 00:20:09.640 or threatened by a person and they're just like, I'm 373 00:20:09.640 --> 00:20:14.440 not going to hang out with them anymore. And so, unfortunately, 374 00:20:14.920 --> 00:20:17.480 because I'm a talker and I like to process and 375 00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:21.160 I like to have the conversation, it hurts me so 376 00:20:21.559 --> 00:20:25.920 deeply when a close friend just disappears and stops responding 377 00:20:25.960 --> 00:20:28.440 to your text. And I know many of people who 378 00:20:28.440 --> 00:20:31.240 have done that to me across my lifespan. But then 379 00:20:31.279 --> 00:20:33.680 when I think about Chris Freeley and the attachment test, 380 00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:36.640 if I, way back when had an kind of anxious 381 00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:40.160 attachment style and I was mostly attracted to avoidant men, 382 00:20:40.759 --> 00:20:43.440 doesn't that mean I was also attracted to avoidant women 383 00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:47.119 as friends. And yeah, they were behaving the same way, 384 00:20:47.640 --> 00:20:50.680 just kind of ghosting and disappearing. And what hurts the 385 00:20:50.720 --> 00:20:54.759 most is there's no closure, there's no ability to talk 386 00:20:54.839 --> 00:20:59.000 things out or change, and it can really really hurt. 387 00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:02.799 It's like you're warning somebody who's died, but they didn't die. 388 00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:06.480 They're still alive, and you're wondering what was your piece 389 00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:10.039 in it. Now, here's what I want to say about friendships. 390 00:21:10.119 --> 00:21:14.279 If you've been Unfortunately, the victim of being abruptly broken 391 00:21:14.359 --> 00:21:18.559 up with by a friend not included on certain invitation 392 00:21:18.680 --> 00:21:21.759 lists anymore, and you see them on social media doing 393 00:21:21.799 --> 00:21:25.880 stuff without you. You have to remember that there are 394 00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:29.440 different kinds of friendships, and very few of our friendships 395 00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:33.200 will be life long. The vast majority of our friendships 396 00:21:33.240 --> 00:21:36.960 are stage of life friends. We have them as close friends, 397 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:40.279 maybe when we're in college or when we're building our career, 398 00:21:40.839 --> 00:21:43.359 or there are mom and dad friends in the village 399 00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:48.559 when we're raising small children, or they're friends because they're 400 00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:51.839 the parents of our kids. Friends, Like, there's a whole 401 00:21:52.359 --> 00:21:55.000