Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. H Holiday season, there's so much going
Speaker 1: on in our relationships. I want everyone to take a
Speaker 1: nice deep breath. I know how stressful these days can be.
Speaker 1: But you know, I take my cue from a little
Speaker 1: old lady who I once saw in the cashier's line
Speaker 1: at Gelson's. It was the week before Christmas. Both of
Speaker 1: our baskets were totally full of all the things you
Speaker 1: would need to lay out a Christmas table, and even
Speaker 1: included things like some decorations and some special serving dishes,
Speaker 1: because you know, Gelson's has forggin everything. Hey, they don't
Speaker 1: tell me to say this, I'm just saying that's my So.
Speaker 1: I looked at her, and she looked at me, and
Speaker 1: we checked out each other's cart, and she said to me,
Speaker 1: was very sweet. She said, it looks like we have
Speaker 1: our work cut out for us this week. And I
Speaker 1: smiled at her, and I kind of did an eye roll. Oh,
Speaker 1: we certainly do, because you know, women hold families together,
Speaker 1: and men, I know you're out there, and I know
Speaker 1: a lot of you do more than just carve the turkey,
Speaker 1: although I'm shocked at how few men know how to
Speaker 1: carve a turkey anymore, just saying, but women really create kinship,
Speaker 1: maintain the ties of family, do the physical labor of
Speaker 1: putting on various holiday dinners. So this woman said, well,
Speaker 1: it looks like we have our work cut out for.
Speaker 2: Us this week.
Speaker 1: And I rolled my eyes, shrugged my shoulders and did
Speaker 1: the yeah for sure. And then she beamed and smiled
Speaker 1: and stared at me and said, but it's joyful work, dear,
Speaker 1: It's the best work of the year. And I thought, oh,
Speaker 1: my gosh, what a way to look at it, to
Speaker 1: just reframe it.
Speaker 2: This year, I should tell you that I went up.
Speaker 1: To my farm in Oregon, where we're all heading up
Speaker 1: for the actual Christmas Day, and for the first time,
Speaker 1: my kids are launched and they have their own places, and.
Speaker 2: My new husband was somewhere else.
Speaker 1: It was on business somewhere at a different city, and
Speaker 1: I was all by myself, and I was pulling out
Speaker 1: all the Christmas decorations opening those boxes. And I'm one
Speaker 1: of those people, Okay, like I'm not a huge collector
Speaker 1: of things. But one thing I did do because I
Speaker 1: traveled a lot with my kids when they were young.
Speaker 1: And before you think I'm talking only as a woman
Speaker 1: of privilege, there were a few years we were living
Speaker 1: in a studio apartment, but I made sure that travel
Speaker 1: was the best education my kids ever had. So we
Speaker 1: would I would pull them out of school to get
Speaker 1: cheaper plane flights. At different times, we would stay in
Speaker 1: small airbnb so I had a kitchenette to be able
Speaker 1: to make food and not have to go out every night.
Speaker 1: And by the time my oldest graduated high school, she'd
Speaker 1: gone to sixteen different countries. So what I did is
Speaker 1: whenever we traveled is I would buy Christmas ornaments because
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of these souvenir shops all year
Speaker 1: round sell Christmas ornaments, even if you go in the summer.
Speaker 1: So when I started opening up all the boxes, I
Speaker 1: pulled out beautiful ornaments from the al of Morongo, where
Speaker 1: the glass blowing island in Italy, Iceland that had icicles
Speaker 1: on it. I found New Mexico, I found places in
Speaker 1: Canada I found Costa Rica. I found this beautiful little
Speaker 1: ornament of Notre Dame that played the music and the bells.
Speaker 1: Of course that was before Notre Dame burned down and
Speaker 1: now has been rebuilt. But I went through the memories
Speaker 1: alone and rather than it being a wistful time, I
Speaker 1: open myself a little battle of bubbly, just gonna say
Speaker 1: I why not have a flute champagne with you while
Speaker 1: you have the Christmas music on? And instead of me
Speaker 1: feeling lonely or feeling like, oh, I have to do
Speaker 1: all this work by myself, the kids aren't here helping me,
Speaker 1: I got to decorate instead. I felt like it was
Speaker 1: an assessment. It was going through a life that I'd
Speaker 1: spent as a single mom for twenty years. It was
Speaker 1: seeing the fruits of it. It was me wondering when my
Speaker 1: kids are going to come to me and say, hey,
Speaker 1: half of those are mine. I'm doing my own Christmas
Speaker 1: tree this year, and I could pass them on as
Speaker 1: a family tradition. But I really looked, and I think
Speaker 1: partly because of that sweet lady at Gelson's, I looked
Speaker 1: at the work as a time of joy. Now for
Speaker 1: some people, the holidays are not filled with complete joy
Speaker 1: because this year they may have lost a loved one.
Speaker 1: I want to remind everybody that life is about loss,
Speaker 1: and it is about regulating our feelings during a time
Speaker 1: time of loss, it is also a time of growth,
Speaker 1: and that our lives kind of go in a circular.
Speaker 2: Pattern, almost like.
Speaker 1: I don't know, like when you plant a flower from
Speaker 1: a seed and then it grows into a beautiful plant,
Speaker 1: eventually blooms and dies and goes back to seed.
Speaker 2: There is this cycle of life.
Speaker 1: And I know, especially when you have a close intimate,
Speaker 1: if it's a romantic relationship with somebody, when that person dies,
Speaker 1: you lose a piece of yourself because relationships become our identity.
Speaker 1: And I don't just mean our social identity. I literally
Speaker 1: mean two brains merge as one if you have a good,
Speaker 1: secure attachment. I'll tell you, since I've been married, and
Speaker 1: since I've been with my guy, I feel like my
Speaker 1: life is so easy and light because half.
Speaker 2: The work is done.
Speaker 1: And I don't just mean the domestic labor, which he's
Speaker 1: great at. I mean half the thinking, half the feeling,
Speaker 1: half of everything. And so if you've awt someone this year,
Speaker 1: I want to give you some of my personal advice
Speaker 1: Number one, you know what your timeline for grieving is,
Speaker 1: your timeline. Don't feel pressured to get over it. I
Speaker 1: don't know who thought up this. Well, you know, you
Speaker 1: got one year and then grieving is over.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: I watch people place pictures on Facebook of family members
Speaker 1: who have died in years past, and they're still remembering
Speaker 1: them around the holidays or around their birthdays. And I
Speaker 1: think it's wonderful, wonderful to keep the thoughts of them alive.
Speaker 1: But some people even leave a chair at the table
Speaker 1: for that person. Some people play their favorite music that
Speaker 1: that person might have listened to, and they might write
Speaker 1: a love letter to that person. You know, it's important
Speaker 1: to understand that we all deal with grief in different ways. Now,
Speaker 1: I want to tell you that my family of origin,
Speaker 1: my New Clear family, are very interesting because they don't
Speaker 1: dwell and own memories. They sort of old memories. They
Speaker 1: kind of close the book and move on. We're move
Speaker 1: on people. I don't know whether it's a staunch Irish
Speaker 1: Catholic thing. The person dies, we have the wake, we
Speaker 1: clean out the closet, it's done. My family, like, I
Speaker 1: don't even know where my parents they died when I
Speaker 1: was in like thirty and thirty one. I don't even
Speaker 1: know where they're buried. I've never visited their graves. Producer
Speaker 1: Kale's look give me wide eyed, like what the heck?
Speaker 1: I'm like, No, we don't do like that. However, we
Speaker 1: do have my mom's recipe book, we do have my
Speaker 1: dad's way of cooking a Sunday dinner. We do mention
Speaker 1: them from time to time, not in a wistful way,
Speaker 1: but they we also realize they live within us. I
Speaker 1: see little pieces of my mom and my daughter's and
Speaker 1: they never met their grandmother. She died before they were
Speaker 1: ever born or conceived. But I think we shouldn't judge
Speaker 1: how people grieve. And you do, you right, Whatever you
Speaker 1: need to do this year at the holiday, to celebrate
Speaker 1: a loved one, or get over a loved one and
Speaker 1: try something completely different, go to a different house, travel
Speaker 1: for the holiday, whatever.
Speaker 2: It is you do, you all right.
Speaker 1: Speaking of stress, when we come back, I do have
Speaker 1: some very concrete, literal tips that we can all use
Speaker 1: to have a healthier, stress free holiday.
Speaker 2: You're listening to the Dr.
Speaker 1: Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty. Welcome ap to.
Speaker 1: The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty
Speaker 1: Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So most of you
Speaker 1: know that I got married. Yes, I did in August,
Speaker 1: and I planned it was a very much a DIY wedding.
Speaker 1: I planned everything to a t. But during the actual
Speaker 1: day of you know, I had packed these these bags
Speaker 1: for each table that had all the dishes, the glasses,
Speaker 1: the candles, the flowers, the play a map of the
Speaker 1: place setting.
Speaker 2: Who got the place cards?
Speaker 1: Where I was very organized, let's just mashy. So there
Speaker 1: were twelve of these bags, and then it was up
Speaker 1: to a little army of girlfriends to each grab a
Speaker 1: bag decorate the table while I was off doing hair
Speaker 1: and makeup and being a bride. And then they had
Speaker 1: to get the I had made the archway thing the arbor.
Speaker 1: They had to get that on correctly. Another friend of
Speaker 1: mine was doing all the flower arrangements. I didn't really
Speaker 1: direct her on that, although I picked out the flowers
Speaker 1: the day before, but I had to stop and just
Speaker 1: let it go and show up at my wedding and
Speaker 1: not spend the day going oh god, almost the flowers
Speaker 1: had been that way. Oh why didn't they put the
Speaker 1: place card on that angle? It would have driven me nuts.
Speaker 1: I wanted to just enjoy it. And the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm telling you this story is because this is what
Speaker 1: the holidays are to many women like it must a
Speaker 1: table must look a certain way, the people must sit
Speaker 1: in a certain order, The things have to it has
Speaker 1: to be perfect. So I want to talk to you
Speaker 1: about reducing holiday stress by telling you that the first
Speaker 1: thing you should know is that we live in an
Speaker 1: imperfect world and those people who are coming to your home,
Speaker 1: family members, friends, are not extras in your movie. They
Speaker 1: are the stars of their own movie. You, in fact,
Speaker 1: are an extra in their movie. Okay, a set designer anyway, Right,
Speaker 1: So we really have to just let go and let
Speaker 1: life once we've done as much planning as we possibly can.
Speaker 1: And I'll tell you I'm using the example of my
Speaker 1: wedding again because it was the best day of my life,
Speaker 1: but it could have been the worst day if I
Speaker 1: spent time thinking about, Oh, this wasn't exactly how I imagine.
Speaker 1: Oh she didn't do that, and that person was supposed
Speaker 1: sitting there white they change seats, but I didn't. I
Speaker 1: didn't allow myself. If even a spark of a thought
Speaker 1: of that started to creep in for a second, I
Speaker 1: would push it away and say, I am so happy.
Speaker 1: I cannot believe I'm getting to attend this beautiful party
Speaker 1: and that it all came to fruition. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about some of the things that come up over the
Speaker 1: holidays that cause stress. First of all, family dynamics. You know,
Speaker 1: when everybody gets to that holiday table, they all become
Speaker 1: twelve years old again, even if they're in their forties.
Speaker 1: The sibling rivalry is alive and well the parent's favorite
Speaker 1: child is very clear, right, So I need you to
Speaker 1: rise above it, literally look past it. Think about bringing
Speaker 1: the family together and strengthening their relationships in different ways.
Speaker 1: For instance, try playful activities to get did you producer, Kayla,
Speaker 1: hear my stomach just growl right there? Yeah, I'm late
Speaker 1: for my dinner.
Speaker 2: I think it's what it is. Yeah, we gotta get
Speaker 2: a bite after this. We got to put something in there.
Speaker 2: Did you actually hear on the mic? I saw your
Speaker 2: eyes go like.
Speaker 1: Whoa it's my stomach growling. Yeah, I've been doing this
Speaker 1: intermittent fasting thing, and you get a little growley when
Speaker 1: you put a stomach a coffee in a completely empty stomach.
Speaker 2: And that's why I did it. I had a coffee.
Speaker 1: Before the show and it just gurgle, gurg Plus, you
Speaker 1: know I love my probiotics. We're gonna have a little
Speaker 1: nutrition seminar now in the middle of this. Anyway, let
Speaker 1: me just say this about one of the ways that
Speaker 1: your family can build stronger relationships over for the holidays.
Speaker 1: Do things together. Don't just sit around and look at
Speaker 1: each other and start arguments. All right, So, for instance,
Speaker 1: this year, I have told my my new husband's kids
Speaker 1: and my own young adult kids, this year will not
Speaker 1: be the year about presents. Please don't be represents. I
Speaker 1: don't need more stuff. But what I want for Christmas
Speaker 1: from everybody is that you guys play Rommy Cube with me.
Speaker 1: Is my favorite table game, and I love Remicube, and
Speaker 1: I want those young citizens of my family to sit
Speaker 1: there and play with me. Hey, maybe you want to
Speaker 1: play board games. Maybe you want to play charades or
Speaker 1: have organize a scavenger hunt. Oh the other thing I
Speaker 1: told one of the kids, is I want them to
Speaker 1: teach me their favorite recipe at something. Yeah, give them
Speaker 1: some power and control. My oldest daughter has this eggnog recipe.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you that eggnog will put you on your butt.
Speaker 1: I don't know what she puts in it, but it
Speaker 1: is strong and she does that. Okay. Another thing you
Speaker 1: can do to help build stronger relationships is please it's
Speaker 1: the holidays. Just get comfortable with having conflict. You don't
Speaker 1: have to resolve everything. You don't have to solve everything.
Speaker 1: You don't have to be the play cater, the negotiator,
Speaker 1: the smoother over.
Speaker 2: Let them picker and walk away.
Speaker 3: You know what's.
Speaker 1: Interesting is one of the things that drives me the
Speaker 1: most crazy. I don't know why. This is my little
Speaker 1: hot button is my kids fight. It just goes up
Speaker 1: my spine when they argue and they bicker. So they
Speaker 1: were arguing the last time we were all together, they
Speaker 1: were arguing and.
Speaker 2: I literally lost it and said, you guys, stop fighting.
Speaker 2: I hate it when you fight.
Speaker 1: And they both stopped and just stared at me and
Speaker 1: they go, we're not even fighting, mom, this's just how
Speaker 1: we talk. And they were laughing at me. So apparently
Speaker 1: they have this way of bickering that is part of
Speaker 1: their way of communicating. So I had to get comfortable
Speaker 1: with it that that's just what they do. Also, avoid
Speaker 1: those old patterns. If you know that the fight happens
Speaker 1: at the dinner table when somebody brings up politics or whatever,
Speaker 1: just change it up, do something different. You know, one year,
Speaker 1: my daughter, I have two daughters with two different body
Speaker 1: types by nature, and one of them I've always been
Speaker 1: doing absolutely the wrong thing, and I've been on her
Speaker 1: about her eating and her weight. And one year she
Speaker 1: came home for Christmas and she just said, hey, Mom,
Speaker 1: I think the first thing I said, you know, when
Speaker 1: she was going to make a big, fattening, calorie laden,
Speaker 1: high fat, high sugar dessert is I think I said, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, don't make it too big. We don't need
Speaker 1: to eat that much sugar this year. And she said, okay, Mom,
Speaker 1: this is the holidays. I'm going to ask you not
Speaker 1: to talk about bodies, body weight, cooking, sugar, anything for
Speaker 1: this break. It would make a better holiday for me.
Speaker 1: And she said it calm like that, like I wish
Speaker 1: I could be more calm. And I said, oh, you're right,
Speaker 1: and so now when the holidays are there, nobody's talking
Speaker 1: about anybody's gaining weight, losing weight anything. We just eat
Speaker 1: the food that's there and enjoy ourselves. Here's a final thought,
Speaker 1: go out for walks when we go visit my brother
Speaker 1: in Canada. One of the things we have to do
Speaker 1: because there's so much food and the meals tend to
Speaker 1: back up against each other, is as a big family group,
Speaker 1: we put on our mclucks. Those are ugs for you guys,
Speaker 1: and we walk out in the snow. It's a good
Speaker 1: mile loop and through the woods at their house and
Speaker 1: they live kind of out in the wilderness and it's cold.
Speaker 1: You have to walk fast or your toes and fingers freeze,
Speaker 1: and it's a good chance we kind of. It starts
Speaker 1: out with a group of maybe ten family members and
Speaker 1: then the fast walkers go out front, the slower ones
Speaker 1: are in the back chatting, and it goes into little
Speaker 1: conversation groups as we do our one mile walk, and
Speaker 1: we try to do it like twice a day after
Speaker 1: the big meals. It's a great thing to do, even
Speaker 1: if you just take one or two people. It's a
Speaker 1: healthy thing to get out, but it creates little smaller
Speaker 1: conversations between people, and yeah, you'll be gossiping about the others,
Speaker 1: but that's what that's what families do.
Speaker 2: Just saying.
Speaker 1: Also, try hard not to go over your budget. Okay,
Speaker 1: set a realistic budget and keep to it. It doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be over the top to bring love and joy. Hey,
Speaker 1: when we come back, I recently had a friendship end abruptly,
Speaker 1: and I want to talk about what that feels like,
Speaker 1: and why it's actually normal and suposed to happen, and
Speaker 1: how we're supposed to deal with friendships, not just romantic relationship,
Speaker 1: but friendships that end. You are listening to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty. Welcome back to.
Speaker 1: The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty,
Speaker 1: Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, So I talk
Speaker 1: a lot about romantic relationships because I'm obsessed with attachment
Speaker 1: theory and how our idea for love becomes a model
Speaker 1: for finding.
Speaker 2: Romantic love in the future.
Speaker 1: And when I teach I have my students take an
Speaker 1: attachment test. In fact, if you'd like to know your
Speaker 1: romantic attachment style, you can go You can google the
Speaker 1: words Chris Frehley, fr A L. E. Y Attachment test,
Speaker 1: Chris Frehley, fr A L. E. Y Attachment test, and
Speaker 1: up comes a well respected researcher in the area of
Speaker 1: attachment who collects data. You don't have to give your
Speaker 1: name or anything like that, but you know demographic data
Speaker 1: and gives for free and attachment test. Now here's what's
Speaker 1: interesting about it. He doesn't just ask you about your
Speaker 1: love relationships. He asks you, of course, about the relationship
Speaker 1: you had with your father, about the relationship you had
Speaker 1: with your mother, and also the relationship you have with
Speaker 1: your best friend. Because these attachment behaviors we project onto
Speaker 1: all our relationships in life, including our friendships. Now I
Speaker 1: want to say that when a friendship ends, we don't
Speaker 1: actually have, you know, kind of cultural advice for how
Speaker 1: to do that. We know how to end a romantic
Speaker 1: breakup because there are enough books written about that. We
Speaker 1: know it probably shouldn't be by text. We know it
Speaker 1: shouldn't be like weaned slowly off somebody till they quote
Speaker 1: unquote get the message and disappear. We know people shouldn't
Speaker 1: be ghosted. That can hurt terribly. We know that we
Speaker 1: should have a conversation with them. I'm fine with telephone.
Speaker 1: I don't think you need to be in person. I'm
Speaker 1: a big telephone breaker upper. You know what, My husband
Speaker 1: Julio and I had this conversation the other day. Did
Speaker 1: you know that I don't think anyone's ever broken up
Speaker 1: with me? I mean, there have been a lot of
Speaker 1: playboy guys that just sort of slowly fade away when
Speaker 1: I'm reaching out to them, But nobody's ever said, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't think it's gonna work with us, Wendy, because
Speaker 1: I think men are not big breaker uppers. Producer Kayla,
Speaker 1: have you ever known a guy to actually break up
Speaker 1: and have the conversation?
Speaker 3: I was trying to think about it, and I don't
Speaker 3: think so.
Speaker 2: No, they avoid it.
Speaker 3: I think so. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Meanwhile, of course, my husband Julio told me he's been
Speaker 1: broken up with a lot because women say it. Okay,
Speaker 1: we say it. So let's get back to friendships. With friendships,
Speaker 1: we have no idea, but at a certain point we're like,
Speaker 1: you know what, that friendship I've kind of outgrown, it's
Speaker 1: not working for me now, or maybe somebody is resentful
Speaker 1: or threatened by a person and they're just like, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to hang out with them anymore. And so, unfortunately,
Speaker 1: because I'm a talker and I like to process and
Speaker 1: I like to have the conversation, it hurts me so
Speaker 1: deeply when a close friend just disappears and stops responding
Speaker 1: to your text. And I know many of people who
Speaker 1: have done that to me across my lifespan. But then
Speaker 1: when I think about Chris Freeley and the attachment test,
Speaker 1: if I, way back when had an kind of anxious
Speaker 1: attachment style and I was mostly attracted to avoidant men,
Speaker 1: doesn't that mean I was also attracted to avoidant women
Speaker 1: as friends. And yeah, they were behaving the same way,
Speaker 1: just kind of ghosting and disappearing. And what hurts the
Speaker 1: most is there's no closure, there's no ability to talk
Speaker 1: things out or change, and it can really really hurt.
Speaker 1: It's like you're warning somebody who's died, but they didn't die.
Speaker 1: They're still alive, and you're wondering what was your piece
Speaker 1: in it. Now, here's what I want to say about friendships.
Speaker 1: If you've been Unfortunately, the victim of being abruptly broken
Speaker 1: up with by a friend not included on certain invitation
Speaker 1: lists anymore, and you see them on social media doing
Speaker 1: stuff without you. You have to remember that there are
Speaker 1: different kinds of friendships, and very few of our friendships
Speaker 1: will be life long. The vast majority of our friendships
Speaker 1: are stage of life friends. We have them as close friends,
Speaker 1: maybe when we're in college or when we're building our career,
Speaker 1: or there are mom and dad friends in the village
Speaker 1: when we're raising small children, or they're friends because they're
Speaker 1: the parents of our kids. Friends, Like, there's a whole
Speaker 1: time where our kids pick our friends for us, and
Speaker 1: they're people that we might not have chosen, but you know,
Speaker 1: we'll hang out with them because we're doing play dates
Speaker 1: with the kids and we're co parenting in the community. Now,
Speaker 1: only a few friends are close intimate friends. Some of
Speaker 1: our friends are just social friends. They're keeping it light
Speaker 1: and yeah, you may have said something that upset them.
Speaker 1: You may actually be living your best life and they
Speaker 1: can't handle their feelings of envy, right, and so as
Speaker 1: a result they break things off, But they don't do
Speaker 1: the phone call. So here's what I want you to
Speaker 1: do if this ever happens to you. First of all,
Speaker 1: you can chase them down and try to get answers.
Speaker 1: They may not even know the answers or the why,
Speaker 1: or they're going to deny. I don't know. I've just
Speaker 1: been busy.
Speaker 2: What can I say?
Speaker 1: I'm gon't had a chance to call. Why are you
Speaker 1: making such a big deal about it? Right? You don't
Speaker 1: need to hear that. Instead, remind yourself that you are lovable,
Speaker 1: that this particular friendship was not meant to be at
Speaker 1: this stage of your life, and focus on growing and
Speaker 1: nurturing the friendships that matter, the ones that grow you.
Speaker 1: I will tell you that habits are highly contagious among
Speaker 1: friend groups. Find the healthiest friends, and I mean mentally
Speaker 1: healthy and physically healthy, and you will get mentally healthy
Speaker 1: and physically healthy. Absolutely, friendships are the things that help
Speaker 1: us grow. So maybe you're thinking about a New Year's resolution.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're thinking about ending some friendships. You don't have
Speaker 1: to do the phone call. You can just move on
Speaker 1: and make time for other people and just focus on
Speaker 1: the ones that bring you up, the friendships that help
Speaker 1: you rise. Oh okay, I want to I think we
Speaker 1: should go to social media and answer a few relationship
Speaker 1: questions because I haven't done a lot about romantic relationships
Speaker 1: producer Kayala so far. I want to remind everybody I'm
Speaker 1: not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I have
Speaker 1: written three books on relationships and did my dissertation on
Speaker 1: attachment theory, and I think I healed myself with my
Speaker 1: own advice, found a great guy on Bumble four and
Speaker 1: a half years ago, and have a wonderful marriage now,
Speaker 1: not that we don't fight. It's a healthy marriage, is
Speaker 1: what it is. We have a healthy conflict when it happens.
Speaker 1: But I'm happy to weigh in on your love life.
Speaker 1: So if you'd like to send me a DM a
Speaker 1: direct message on Instagram, you certainly may. The handle is
Speaker 1: at Dr Wendy Walsh. That's at doctor Wendy Walsh. Let's
Speaker 1: answer your relationship questions when we come back. You are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show. On KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere.
Speaker 2: On the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: Hey, if you've got a relationship question, send me a DM.
Speaker 1: My handle on Instagram is at doctor Wendy Walsh at
Speaker 1: Dr Wendy Walsh no period. I keep your identity anonymous.
Speaker 1: I change some things if it seems to be identifiable,
Speaker 1: and don't worry. I'm gonna keep you safe because I
Speaker 1: know this is tender stuff. So let's open up the
Speaker 1: DMS producer, Kayla, here we go.
Speaker 2: Here's the first one.
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wen, I've been working on myself a lot
Speaker 1: o congratulations, different types of therapies to deal with my
Speaker 1: traumas and triggers. I'm afraid of this new potential breakup
Speaker 1: in my life because although I've succeeded a lot in
Speaker 1: my healing journey, I don't know how my inner child
Speaker 1: is going to show up. My boyfriend is changing me
Speaker 1: and I need to break up with him. He's changed
Speaker 1: the way I dress, the way I style my hair.
Speaker 1: Now he wants me to change a piercing that I have.
Speaker 1: What's the best way to fight against spiraling? I know
Speaker 1: this will hurt badly. Okay, So there's two questions here, uh,
Speaker 1: that I think you need to bring up. You say
Speaker 1: that you're in different types of therapy. That makes me wonder.
Speaker 1: I think you need to be with a good, licensed
Speaker 1: clinical therapist who And that's the first question. The first
Speaker 1: question you want your therapist to help you answer is
Speaker 1: how do you You don't have to break up with your boyfriend.
Speaker 1: You can just learn to express boundaries right now. If
Speaker 1: his reaction when you express boundaries is to try to
Speaker 1: thrash your boundaries or criticize you, or put you down
Speaker 1: or what have you, then you know it's time.
Speaker 2: To break up.
Speaker 1: But it's like you have this idea in your head
Speaker 1: that a relationship is going to be perfect and then
Speaker 1: you won't have to break up with them, But actually
Speaker 1: a relationship is negotiating and renegotiating boundaries all the time,
Speaker 1: all right now.
Speaker 2: Your second question is.
Speaker 1: When you say, what's the best way to fight against
Speaker 1: this spiraling? I don't know how my inner child is
Speaker 1: going to show up after I break up with this person.
Speaker 1: So again, this is something it sounds like you should
Speaker 1: not do without having a mental health wingman, and that
Speaker 1: would be a licensed clinical therapist who can help you
Speaker 1: when the triggers start if you will remember everybody listening.
Speaker 1: Nobody can trigger us. Nobody as soon as you say, oh,
Speaker 1: you're triggering me, you're doing it. Nobody intentionally is trying
Speaker 1: to make you deregulate. What's happening is you might have
Speaker 1: had a pattern in early life, a learned pattern of behavior.
Speaker 1: That is, when you have a feeling, like a feeling
Speaker 1: of shame, loss, rejection, hurt, abandonment, that the reaction that
Speaker 1: your brain has chosen is to get angry sad, and
Speaker 1: that those feelings are so uncomfortable to you that then
Speaker 1: you quote unquote get triggered, and it sounds like you
Speaker 1: do unhealthy things. The best way to fight against spiraling spiraling.
Speaker 1: So what therapy does is therapy does not make us happy.
Speaker 1: I want to make that very clear. Therapy makes you real,
Speaker 1: Therapy makes you authentic. Therapy makes you not afraid of feelings,
Speaker 1: not afraid of quote unquote spiraling. There is this idea
Speaker 1: that the feeling will be so unmanageable that you will
Speaker 1: do something bad. You will shop yourself to death, you
Speaker 1: will drink yourself to death, you'll do something right to
Speaker 1: have a lot of sex with people you don't like
Speaker 1: that much. Whatever, to try to feel good. But a
Speaker 1: good therapist will help you tolerate the feelings and know
Speaker 1: that if you wait, they will pass. Feelings aren't dangerous.
Speaker 1: Feelings are messengers, and sometimes uncomfortable feelings are meant for
Speaker 1: us because we're meant to make a change in our life.
Speaker 1: So this worry and anxiety you have that you can't
Speaker 1: handle the feelings of leaving your boyfriend tells me that
Speaker 1: you're staying in an uncomfortable situation to avoid something that
Speaker 1: you perceive to be more uncomfortable. What about just learning
Speaker 1: how to tolerate all the discomfort, use it as messages, messengers,
Speaker 1: and make your way in life. Anyway, talk to your therapists, Babe,
Speaker 1: You're going to get through this. But stop dressing for him.
Speaker 1: Just want to say that, that's your auntie talking right here.
Speaker 1: Stop dressing for him, all right? Moving on, Dear doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: my friend keeps involving me in her relationship drama. Oh,
Speaker 1: I've been there. She makes me follow her boyfriend's exes
Speaker 1: on social media, pop up at his work, and so
Speaker 1: much more. It makes me uncomfortable. How do I get
Speaker 1: her to stop without ruining our relationship? Is this like
Speaker 1: you guys testing me on boundaries here, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Speaker 2: So here's the thing.
Speaker 1: You can't control anyone else's behavior. You can only control
Speaker 1: your own. And so when you put a boundary on somebody,
Speaker 1: you're actually putting a boundary around yourself to protect yourself.
Speaker 1: So you need to protect yourself from this friend. That
Speaker 1: means you can't control if she goes. Okay, fine, I'm
Speaker 1: done with this friendship.
Speaker 2: It's over.
Speaker 1: You can't it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: What you need to do is protect yourself. And it
Speaker 1: sounds like what you're doing goes against your core values, right,
Speaker 1: you know, following these other women being snoopy on other
Speaker 1: women who are her boyfriend's ex girlfriends to see if
Speaker 1: they're around him, going to his work to see if
Speaker 1: they are women.
Speaker 3: Talking to him.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story. I did this
Speaker 1: when I was young, long before we had social media.
Speaker 1: I sent two girlfriends into a restaurant because my boyfriend
Speaker 1: at the time was a restaurant tour and I wanted
Speaker 1: them to check because he wasn't answering my text if
Speaker 1: there was another woman in there. Well, it backfired on
Speaker 1: me because he ended up charming both of them, and
Speaker 1: they stayed the whole night and they became the girls
Speaker 1: spending time with him. Okay, so don't be sly and
Speaker 1: Glendestine on behalf. They should have said, you know what,
Speaker 1: let's go out and find a new guy. If you
Speaker 1: don't trust this guy, let's all go out. So you
Speaker 1: need to put a boundary. You need to say the
Speaker 1: word no. You don't have to get mad, you can
Speaker 1: just say it in a kind way. She chooses to
Speaker 1: ruin your relationship.
Speaker 2: Because of it, that is her choice.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's her choice. All right, we have time for
Speaker 1: one more before the break. Dear doctor, Wendy, what's the
Speaker 1: best way to stop my anxious attachment to guys i'm dating?
Speaker 2: You know, I learned this lesson.
Speaker 1: The long, slow, hard way. I can only quote the
Speaker 1: research to you. The research says that there are three
Speaker 1: kinds of relationships that can heal attachment injuries. One is,
Speaker 1: and the most important one, I think, is the relationship
Speaker 1: one has with their therapist.
Speaker 2: Believe it or not.
Speaker 1: Rather than some amazing grand intervention and interpretation that a
Speaker 1: therapist might make, it is the consistency of that relationship
Speaker 1: going every Friday at ten am, and having that person
Speaker 1: there always consistently helps calm down the anxious person. Secondly,
Speaker 1: the parent child attachment. I think a lot of my
Speaker 1: healing happened from, you know, practicing attachment parenting with my kids.
Speaker 1: Kids don't leave, they don't abandon you. They calmed me down.
Speaker 1: And the third thing, according to research is if you're
Speaker 1: lucky enough to choose somebody with a secure attachment. Now,
Speaker 1: most people with an anxious attachment of saying, oh, they're
Speaker 1: too nice and I want to be with that nice person.
Speaker 2: Guess what. By the time I learned.
Speaker 1: To fall in love and be attracted to somebody who
Speaker 1: was quote unquote.
Speaker 2: Too nice, I felt healed.
Speaker 1: But anyway, if you do have all this anxiety, as
Speaker 1: I always say, work with a licensed clinical therapist. I did,
Speaker 1: and I got through it. Okay, Oh, somebody's asking you
Speaker 1: about how to ask for exclusivity. When we come back.
Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1: You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waalsh. You can always
Speaker 1: hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven
Speaker 1: to nine pm. On Sunday and anytime on demand on
Speaker 1: the iHeart Radio app.