Speaker 1: Creativity is an addiction unplugged because we will always say
yes to creativity totally uncut because we all make mistakes,
So turn it into a tool. This is arrow unplugged, Hey.
Speaker 3: Saro, and this is DFRAG.
Speaker 2: We're about ready to take the traditional transition walk through
this beautiful forest in South Charlotte, North Carolina, like fifty
eight degrees beautiful sunshine. There's new leaves popping for the
season of spring. But I'll tell you what, the subject
that we're going to cover today is pretty heavy, okay,
And you might ask right away what is d FRAG
and why am I not on that walk right now?
Because there's so much information that I have been researching
today that it's like I've got to have this information
in front of me right now before I hit that path.
And that's why you're gonna hear earning in the background.
You're gonna hear echoing in this room because once again,
the subject that we're going to be doing today, defragging
is asking the questions and then questioning the answers. It's
getting to know you and as you grow with your
inner core, it does pour out of your heart and
affect other people around you. So it's learning how to trust,
to find faith in your own God given ability, and
to really see things through the inner eye and not
what your outside eye would rather have.
Speaker 3: This is defrag so the subject before we.
Speaker 2: Hit the path, and we're going to hit the path today.
This hit me really hard while I was daily writing
do you hate yourself?
Speaker 3: What? What? Okay?
Speaker 2: Before we even jump into any of this, I got
to tell you that I had to go to the book,
and the book says Proverbs six sixteen through nineteen, there
were things that God hated.
Speaker 3: Seven He hated haughty.
Speaker 2: Eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a
heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to
rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies,
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.
So God knows what hatred is. And if bringing up
God has created a hatred, we'll change it. We'll say,
the universe will say something that isn't so offensive to you,
because it is.
Speaker 3: It's a fifty to fifty shot.
Speaker 2: These days when you bring up that GD, Hey, how
about this, they always say that you know the dog
was created because you spelled God backwards in its dog
would that help bring peace? Okay, So that's our subject
today and we're gonna get on that walk here in
just a couple of minutes, a transition walk, and we're
going to dive into the subjects. And it's not one
that I really want to tackle. But then guess what,
Guess what? While writing I said that I don't think
this is my subject? Do you hate yourself? And then
the question came up in the writing are you denying God?
That's a big question. All right, I'm going to see
you out on the path. All right, hot on the path,
the first step of a brand new beginning. It's got
to be something, because why would I pick such a subject?
Wait a second, I didn't pick it? No, no, I'm
going to plead that I didn't pick it. Now one
of the things that, like I said, it was dropped
into my heart. Do you hate yourself? And sometimes you
have to figure out, Okay, that's a pretty big word.
Can we figure out how to define that word? Because
it beings so big and it appearing in the Bible,
there's got to be one hell of a definition. Not really,
helicopter's going on above us here. Maybe they're looking for me.
Maybe the word's gotten out that he's going to talk
about the H word. So the definition of hate is
very simple. Hate is an emotion. Dislike is a feeling.
Now personally on defrag because we're questioning ourselves and then
we're questioning the answers. I've got twenty nine years of
daily writing, and I'm sure in the daily writing I
have used the word hate. I mean it as hate
or did I mean it as dislike? I would have
to go back and try to get back into that
moment where things are kind of equal on everybody's grounds.
What was the emotion that he was trying to do
versus what was he really trying to say? The emotion,
the feeling. And I kept saying, wait a second, this
is not my subject. I shouldn't be writing about this
because I fear things like this, because I don't want
it to affect the rest of my day. I really
do fear, and my anxiety level goes up when I see, feel,
or hear anything when it comes to hate. So I said,
I'm not a professional, I'm not Oprah Winfrey, I'm not
doctor Dave. How was my psychologist back in the early
part of the nineteen nineties, and all of a sudden,
it says, are you denying God?
Speaker 3: No? I'm not. No, I'm not.
Speaker 2: If you could see the sheet of paper that carrying
with me while in this beautiful forest in South Charlotte,
North Carolina, the wind is lightly blowing, the sun is out,
and the subject I'm talking.
Speaker 3: About is dark.
Speaker 2: The goal on d Frag as we ask the questions
and question the answers, is let's try to figure out
if there's light in this so that we can have
a better understanding of how we're traveling in our every day.
One of the questions that came up, how would your
mother act if you would have told her that you
hated yourself as a teen, as a preschooler, or even
the times when you went through the abortions? Did you
hate yourself during those times? And the answer was no,
I did not. I questioned the situations, I disliked the decisions,
I was not happy about what was going on in
my marriage. But I always kept this kind of stuff
away from my mother. And the reason why is because
I never talked to my mother about subjects like this,
even dislike. And I don't know if it's because she
gave off that sense of energy that no matter what
you dislike in life, move beyond it.
Speaker 3: Find the light. That was my mother all the time,
and she.
Speaker 2: Would always talk about her love for Jesus Christ, and
she would always bring up Jesus's name when things seem
to be a little rough. So I never had that
opportunity to ask my mother, or to even share my
mother my dislike or hatred. And I hate using that word.
I see, But is that is that an emotion or
is a feeling? Well, my feeling is I don't like
using such a word. But this sheet of paper I'm carrying,
if anybody were to find it and take note of
the handwriting on it, they're gonna sit me down and
they're going to question me. And the reason why is
because the questions that I have on this are blatantly
honest and so on, d frag I'm asking you to
ask the same questions to see if you can get
into that inner core of your belief and see what
is going on. I mean, I have been very disappointed
with a lot of my decisions, But did I hate
my decisions? I don't think I use that word hate
at all. I just was bothered, deeply bothered, And like
I said, I've got twenty nine years of writing to
back that claim up. While out here on this transition walk,
when my dog catches wind of another dog, do I
hate it?
Speaker 3: Or do I just dislike the moment?
Speaker 2: Because I know my dog, a pointer, is so effing
strong that she's going to pull my arm off one day.
Which is pretty interesting because the man who did the
surgery on my wife's hip, he actually told my wife
that he has more arm injuries than anything else because
of dogs on leashes, because of the way that they
hit the leash, and the human being has drug right along.
Do I hate it or do I dislike it? I
have that question to you. I want you to ask
that question. Those little things such a fake your dog
for a walk, or a lawnmower in the background, or
maybe it's too hot too early, your allergies and hay
fever are driving you totally crazy. Do you hate it
or do you dislike it? I'll give you another great example.
I have a screaming blue crown conyer, one of the
loudest birds on the planet, inside a house, and when
it screams, oh my god, it's the end of the world.
And so what happens is is that do you dislike
the screaming or do you hate the screaming? You see,
learning to define your emotional without using such a harsh
word is going to help you walk a stronger path
of understanding. There was somebody that I met with. He says,
you'll jog yesterday for lint. They wanted to stop cussings
because the family doesn't like it. And the word she
used was my family hates it when I cuss. And
so I think that might have been the seed planter
right there. I said, does it really hate they don't
like it, or do they just just, you know, dislike
what's going on?
Speaker 3: And so she's had to.
Speaker 2: Revert during to go to words like flabbergasted what And
when there are people that are that are upsetting her,
she calls them hooligans and so she reverts back to
severe old school types of language. Now, in all honesty,
that's a lighter case of the h work being used.
In October of twenty twenty two, and an email sent
to me from my sister, she sharply put into words
her hatred towards me, mainly because I didn't support her
negative energy toward others and herself, and because I didn't
become a part of teen Susan. She disconnected from me
one hundred percent. We've talked about this on other episodes
of Deep Rag, and the thing is is that she
did use the word hate, and she meant it, and
she said that she would never talk to me again
and that I would be faded out of her life.
Neither one of us realize that in forem my, that
her life would be over. And so I carry that
message with me that she put into that smartphone, and
that might have been a seed about what's going on
here as well. You know, it's one of those things
that you hold on to, but you've got to forgive.
And when you forgive, that means you got to not
necessarily forget, but just move on. You ask anybody at
my essential job, and they'll tell you, oh, yeah, he
seems to be a really positive word. I don't really
hear anything negative coming out of him.
Speaker 3: I would be shocked if to even use that age word.
Speaker 2: And I have to ask this question only because we
are diving in, We are asking the questions and questioning
the answers. Is my positive mask actually a disguise for
disliking or hating something? I mean, I hate it when
I don't feel well. I was sick last week, But
what did I really hate it? Or did I dislike
the feeling?
Speaker 3: See?
Speaker 2: Making yourself available to understand the difference between the two
helps clear up the mind, body, and soul in ways
that allows you to say, Look, I don't want to
use that word anymore.
Speaker 3: I'm treating myself like a hooligan. I'm flabbergasted.
Speaker 2: But there are times in your own personal life where
you've got to be able to not only look at
yourself in the mirror, but when you're sitting in the
front seat of your car, in the cubicle at work,
or when you're alone in the living room you're about
ready to munch into a gigantic piece of chicken the
fifth piece today, and you have to ask the question,
am I facing inner pain? Is there something inside of
me that is creating dislike and or hatred? And if
there is, let's identify it?
Speaker 3: And how do you do that? You ask the.
Speaker 2: Questions, and you question the answers and the words that
you come up with. It's okay to not always agree
with it. Making yourself available to you is what defragging
is all about. It ain't no scientific name. I didn't
find you in some sort of book. It just came
to me one day, because don't we defrag our computers
all the time when we get rid of the cacheer
and our smartphone, aren't we really just kind of just
defragging everything?
Speaker 3: What are we doing it to ourselves? Why aren't we
cleaning out all of.
Speaker 2: That content and all of that information that is moving
through us? So when thoughts like this do come to you,
do you hate yourself? Don't shove it to the side.
Ask the questions, do you once again? I'm sure there's
many times in my daily writing of twenty nine years
that I brought up that H word because I disliked
something so badly. But I was so misinformed by the
actions and reactions of what was going on in my
reality that it just felt a lot easier to use
the H words. It was that crutch that go to
that place where it was like, Okay, now that I've
identified it, we're going to let it go as such.
But it doesn't go. It takes root and it festers
and it gets into other thoughts inside your mind and
you're sitting at work or you're in the car and
you're trying to be happy, but that H word is
breathing all over you.
Speaker 3: How do you deal with that?
Speaker 2: I read a book today because I'm going to be
with the author Monday, and the book talks about when
things aren't going right, go left, Go left, and so
you can hear the conversation. It's going to be up
on iHeartRadio on Spotify. But it's something to think about,
and that could have been the seed planter about this
because it deals with anxiety, it deals with frustrations, It
deals with things that make you angry.
Speaker 3: Have you dealt with that? And how do you deal
with that?
Speaker 2: Once again, I do not know how my mother would
have reacted if I would have said such a thing,
But I do know how my father reacted when he
came into my bedroom on the morning that my first
wife had an abortum and he sat on the bed
with me. I know that I didn't use the word hate,
nor did he, But what he provided was loved. So
I want to use that as a metaphor when you
are laying in bed and you feel like crying, or
you are crying when your head is under.
Speaker 3: The pillows or your body is under the weight of.
Speaker 2: The constant nagging stress, Sit next to yourself and ask
the questions and question the answers.
Speaker 3: This is deep, Rag