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Speaker 1: Creativity is an addiction unplugged because we will always say

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yes to creativity totally uncut because we all make mistakes,

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So turn it into a tool. This is arrow unplugged, Hey.

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Speaker 3: Saro, and this is DFRAG.

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Speaker 2: We're about ready to take the traditional transition walk through

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this beautiful forest in South Charlotte, North Carolina, like fifty

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eight degrees beautiful sunshine. There's new leaves popping for the

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season of spring. But I'll tell you what, the subject

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that we're going to cover today is pretty heavy, okay,

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And you might ask right away what is d FRAG

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and why am I not on that walk right now?

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Because there's so much information that I have been researching

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today that it's like I've got to have this information

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in front of me right now before I hit that path.

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And that's why you're gonna hear earning in the background.

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You're gonna hear echoing in this room because once again,

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the subject that we're going to be doing today, defragging

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is asking the questions and then questioning the answers. It's

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getting to know you and as you grow with your

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inner core, it does pour out of your heart and

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affect other people around you. So it's learning how to trust,

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to find faith in your own God given ability, and

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to really see things through the inner eye and not

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what your outside eye would rather have.

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Speaker 3: This is defrag so the subject before we.

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Speaker 2: Hit the path, and we're going to hit the path today.

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This hit me really hard while I was daily writing

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do you hate yourself?

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Speaker 3: What? What? Okay?

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Speaker 2: Before we even jump into any of this, I got

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to tell you that I had to go to the book,

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and the book says Proverbs six sixteen through nineteen, there

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were things that God hated.

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Speaker 3: Seven He hated haughty.

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Speaker 2: Eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a

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heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to

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rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies,

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and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

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So God knows what hatred is. And if bringing up

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God has created a hatred, we'll change it. We'll say,

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the universe will say something that isn't so offensive to you,

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because it is.

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Speaker 3: It's a fifty to fifty shot.

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Speaker 2: These days when you bring up that GD, Hey, how

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about this, they always say that you know the dog

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was created because you spelled God backwards in its dog

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would that help bring peace? Okay, So that's our subject

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today and we're gonna get on that walk here in

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just a couple of minutes, a transition walk, and we're

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going to dive into the subjects. And it's not one

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that I really want to tackle. But then guess what,

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Guess what? While writing I said that I don't think

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this is my subject? Do you hate yourself? And then

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the question came up in the writing are you denying God?

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That's a big question. All right, I'm going to see

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you out on the path. All right, hot on the path,

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the first step of a brand new beginning. It's got

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to be something, because why would I pick such a subject?

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Wait a second, I didn't pick it? No, no, I'm

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going to plead that I didn't pick it. Now one

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of the things that, like I said, it was dropped

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into my heart. Do you hate yourself? And sometimes you

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have to figure out, Okay, that's a pretty big word.

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Can we figure out how to define that word? Because

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it beings so big and it appearing in the Bible,

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there's got to be one hell of a definition. Not really,

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helicopter's going on above us here. Maybe they're looking for me.

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Maybe the word's gotten out that he's going to talk

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about the H word. So the definition of hate is

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very simple. Hate is an emotion. Dislike is a feeling.

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Now personally on defrag because we're questioning ourselves and then

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we're questioning the answers. I've got twenty nine years of

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daily writing, and I'm sure in the daily writing I

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have used the word hate. I mean it as hate

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or did I mean it as dislike? I would have

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to go back and try to get back into that

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moment where things are kind of equal on everybody's grounds.

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What was the emotion that he was trying to do

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versus what was he really trying to say? The emotion,

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the feeling. And I kept saying, wait a second, this

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is not my subject. I shouldn't be writing about this

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because I fear things like this, because I don't want

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it to affect the rest of my day. I really

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do fear, and my anxiety level goes up when I see, feel,

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or hear anything when it comes to hate. So I said,

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I'm not a professional, I'm not Oprah Winfrey, I'm not

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doctor Dave. How was my psychologist back in the early

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part of the nineteen nineties, and all of a sudden,

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it says, are you denying God?

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Speaker 3: No? I'm not. No, I'm not.

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Speaker 2: If you could see the sheet of paper that carrying

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with me while in this beautiful forest in South Charlotte,

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North Carolina, the wind is lightly blowing, the sun is out,

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and the subject I'm talking.

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Speaker 3: About is dark.

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Speaker 2: The goal on d Frag as we ask the questions

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and question the answers, is let's try to figure out

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if there's light in this so that we can have

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a better understanding of how we're traveling in our every day.

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One of the questions that came up, how would your

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mother act if you would have told her that you

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hated yourself as a teen, as a preschooler, or even

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the times when you went through the abortions? Did you

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hate yourself during those times? And the answer was no,

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I did not. I questioned the situations, I disliked the decisions,

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I was not happy about what was going on in

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my marriage. But I always kept this kind of stuff

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away from my mother. And the reason why is because

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I never talked to my mother about subjects like this,

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even dislike. And I don't know if it's because she

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gave off that sense of energy that no matter what

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you dislike in life, move beyond it.

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Speaker 3: Find the light. That was my mother all the time,

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and she.

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Speaker 2: Would always talk about her love for Jesus Christ, and

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she would always bring up Jesus's name when things seem

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to be a little rough. So I never had that

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opportunity to ask my mother, or to even share my

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mother my dislike or hatred. And I hate using that word.

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I see, But is that is that an emotion or

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is a feeling? Well, my feeling is I don't like

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using such a word. But this sheet of paper I'm carrying,

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if anybody were to find it and take note of

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the handwriting on it, they're gonna sit me down and

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they're going to question me. And the reason why is

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because the questions that I have on this are blatantly

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honest and so on, d frag I'm asking you to

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ask the same questions to see if you can get

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into that inner core of your belief and see what

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is going on. I mean, I have been very disappointed

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with a lot of my decisions, But did I hate

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my decisions? I don't think I use that word hate

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at all. I just was bothered, deeply bothered, And like

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I said, I've got twenty nine years of writing to

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back that claim up. While out here on this transition walk,

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when my dog catches wind of another dog, do I

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hate it?

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Speaker 3: Or do I just dislike the moment?

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Speaker 2: Because I know my dog, a pointer, is so effing

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strong that she's going to pull my arm off one day.

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Which is pretty interesting because the man who did the

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surgery on my wife's hip, he actually told my wife

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that he has more arm injuries than anything else because

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of dogs on leashes, because of the way that they

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hit the leash, and the human being has drug right along.

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Do I hate it or do I dislike it? I

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have that question to you. I want you to ask

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that question. Those little things such a fake your dog

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for a walk, or a lawnmower in the background, or

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maybe it's too hot too early, your allergies and hay

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fever are driving you totally crazy. Do you hate it

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or do you dislike it? I'll give you another great example.

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I have a screaming blue crown conyer, one of the

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loudest birds on the planet, inside a house, and when

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it screams, oh my god, it's the end of the world.

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And so what happens is is that do you dislike

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the screaming or do you hate the screaming? You see,

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learning to define your emotional without using such a harsh

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word is going to help you walk a stronger path

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of understanding. There was somebody that I met with. He says,

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you'll jog yesterday for lint. They wanted to stop cussings

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because the family doesn't like it. And the word she

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used was my family hates it when I cuss. And

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so I think that might have been the seed planter

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right there. I said, does it really hate they don't

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like it, or do they just just, you know, dislike

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what's going on?

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Speaker 3: And so she's had to.

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Speaker 2: Revert during to go to words like flabbergasted what And

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when there are people that are that are upsetting her,

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she calls them hooligans and so she reverts back to

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severe old school types of language. Now, in all honesty,

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that's a lighter case of the h work being used.

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In October of twenty twenty two, and an email sent

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to me from my sister, she sharply put into words

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her hatred towards me, mainly because I didn't support her

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negative energy toward others and herself, and because I didn't

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become a part of teen Susan. She disconnected from me

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one hundred percent. We've talked about this on other episodes

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of Deep Rag, and the thing is is that she

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did use the word hate, and she meant it, and

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she said that she would never talk to me again

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and that I would be faded out of her life.

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Neither one of us realize that in forem my, that

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her life would be over. And so I carry that

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message with me that she put into that smartphone, and

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that might have been a seed about what's going on

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here as well. You know, it's one of those things

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that you hold on to, but you've got to forgive.

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And when you forgive, that means you got to not

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necessarily forget, but just move on. You ask anybody at

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my essential job, and they'll tell you, oh, yeah, he

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seems to be a really positive word. I don't really

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hear anything negative coming out of him.

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Speaker 3: I would be shocked if to even use that age word.

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Speaker 2: And I have to ask this question only because we

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are diving in, We are asking the questions and questioning

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the answers. Is my positive mask actually a disguise for

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disliking or hating something? I mean, I hate it when

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I don't feel well. I was sick last week, But

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what did I really hate it? Or did I dislike

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the feeling?

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Speaker 3: See?

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Speaker 2: Making yourself available to understand the difference between the two

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helps clear up the mind, body, and soul in ways

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that allows you to say, Look, I don't want to

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use that word anymore.

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Speaker 3: I'm treating myself like a hooligan. I'm flabbergasted.

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Speaker 2: But there are times in your own personal life where

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you've got to be able to not only look at

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yourself in the mirror, but when you're sitting in the

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front seat of your car, in the cubicle at work,

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or when you're alone in the living room you're about

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ready to munch into a gigantic piece of chicken the

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fifth piece today, and you have to ask the question,

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am I facing inner pain? Is there something inside of

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me that is creating dislike and or hatred? And if

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there is, let's identify it?

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Speaker 3: And how do you do that? You ask the.

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Speaker 2: Questions, and you question the answers and the words that

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you come up with. It's okay to not always agree

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with it. Making yourself available to you is what defragging

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is all about. It ain't no scientific name. I didn't

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find you in some sort of book. It just came

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to me one day, because don't we defrag our computers

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all the time when we get rid of the cacheer

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and our smartphone, aren't we really just kind of just

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defragging everything?

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Speaker 3: What are we doing it to ourselves? Why aren't we

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cleaning out all of.

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Speaker 2: That content and all of that information that is moving

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through us? So when thoughts like this do come to you,

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do you hate yourself? Don't shove it to the side.

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Ask the questions, do you once again? I'm sure there's

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many times in my daily writing of twenty nine years

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that I brought up that H word because I disliked

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something so badly. But I was so misinformed by the

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actions and reactions of what was going on in my

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reality that it just felt a lot easier to use

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the H words. It was that crutch that go to

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that place where it was like, Okay, now that I've

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identified it, we're going to let it go as such.

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But it doesn't go. It takes root and it festers

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and it gets into other thoughts inside your mind and

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you're sitting at work or you're in the car and

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you're trying to be happy, but that H word is

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breathing all over you.

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Speaker 3: How do you deal with that?

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Speaker 2: I read a book today because I'm going to be

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with the author Monday, and the book talks about when

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things aren't going right, go left, Go left, and so

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you can hear the conversation. It's going to be up

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on iHeartRadio on Spotify. But it's something to think about,

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and that could have been the seed planter about this

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because it deals with anxiety, it deals with frustrations, It

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deals with things that make you angry.

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Speaker 3: Have you dealt with that? And how do you deal

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with that?

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Speaker 2: Once again, I do not know how my mother would

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have reacted if I would have said such a thing,

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But I do know how my father reacted when he

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came into my bedroom on the morning that my first

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wife had an abortum and he sat on the bed

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with me. I know that I didn't use the word hate,

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nor did he, But what he provided was loved. So

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I want to use that as a metaphor when you

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are laying in bed and you feel like crying, or

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you are crying when your head is under.

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Speaker 3: The pillows or your body is under the weight of.

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Speaker 2: The constant nagging stress, Sit next to yourself and ask

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the questions and question the answers.

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Speaker 3: This is deep, Rag