WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:14.759 Thou shalt double text yes, and even triple text. Welcome 2 00:00:14.839 --> 00:00:17.039 back to be How to Get a Girlfriend Podcast. I 3 00:00:17.079 --> 00:00:19.960 am your host dating coach, Connel Barrett. I'm here to 4 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:24.519 help you flirt with authenticity and get more dates and 5 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:28.079 get a great girlfriend. And this is all about being 6 00:00:28.120 --> 00:00:31.160 your true, real best self. You don't need tactical, weird 7 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:35.640 pickup moves. You need to channel your most confident, authentic 8 00:00:35.719 --> 00:00:40.719 you because that's who women want. And I was just 9 00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:45.439 looking at my Instagram today. I think I get three 10 00:00:45.479 --> 00:00:50.159 out of four questions on Instagram are about texting. What 11 00:00:50.200 --> 00:00:53.719 do I say? What do I text? How do I text? 12 00:00:54.200 --> 00:00:56.600 Why do women ghost me? How can I get women 13 00:00:56.600 --> 00:01:00.280 messaging me back? And my clients too, I hear all 14 00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:03.560 the time from my guys. I've got about a dozen 15 00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:08.200 clients right now I'm actively working with, and at least 16 00:01:08.239 --> 00:01:11.239 three quarters of them ask me texting questions every week. 17 00:01:11.799 --> 00:01:16.280 So today's episode is about me helping you become much 18 00:01:16.840 --> 00:01:22.159 much more confident, flirtatious, and effective at texting. How are 19 00:01:22.200 --> 00:01:25.159 we going to do that? Well, maybe it's the Catholic 20 00:01:25.560 --> 00:01:28.359 boy inside of me who I used to be, But 21 00:01:28.760 --> 00:01:30.480 today I'm going to give you what I call the 22 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:36.560 ten Commandments of texting. Imagine Moses has come down. I 23 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:40.319 am Moses. I am the texting Moses, and I'm coming 24 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:44.400 down from Mount Say and I to share with you 25 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:49.159 my ten texting commandments. So here we go. Let's get 26 00:01:49.280 --> 00:01:53.000 right to it. I'll begin with the first texting commandment. 27 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:57.280 I wish I could do a Charlton Heston impression. Let 28 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:01.760 my people go. Here we go. The first texting commandment 29 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:08.639 is this, thou shalt double text, Yes, and even triple text. 30 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:12.960 That's right. I give you permission to double an even 31 00:02:13.240 --> 00:02:16.520 triple text. I can't tell you how many times I 32 00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:21.120 see guys on social media, through no fault of their own, 33 00:02:21.479 --> 00:02:23.879 good guys are just trying to do their best. But 34 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:26.919 there's so much bad dating advice that says, never double text, 35 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:30.159 don't double text. It's needy, It makes you a simp, 36 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:34.360 it makes you try hard. No, sending a second or 37 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:38.439 even a third text message does not make you needy. 38 00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:43.879 What makes you needy is Neediness is the way you text, 39 00:02:44.159 --> 00:02:47.120 not the amount, not the number of times you text. 40 00:02:47.639 --> 00:02:52.280 So you absolutely should follow up a second time and 41 00:02:52.400 --> 00:02:55.080 even a third time, as long as you're doing it 42 00:02:55.120 --> 00:03:02.080 with playfulness. Lightness, charm. Basically, this what I'm about to 43 00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:04.039 share with you blew my mind. The first one or 44 00:03:04.039 --> 00:03:07.199 two times had happened, then it happened five or six times, 45 00:03:07.719 --> 00:03:09.879 and it really rocked my world. Back when I was 46 00:03:09.919 --> 00:03:15.159 single and trying to figure all of this out, I said, 47 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:16.639 you know what, I'm going to follow up a second 48 00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:20.479 or a third time. I'm going to keep messaging, and 49 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:23.319 sometimes the second or third time got the woman to 50 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:26.680 write me back. I remember there was a woman I 51 00:03:26.759 --> 00:03:30.800 matched with on Tinder a long time ago. She went quiet. 52 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:35.599 I sent a second message, dear Diary, cute tender girl's 53 00:03:35.639 --> 00:03:39.400 gone quiet. Send search party. It's a little line I 54 00:03:39.439 --> 00:03:41.240 got from one of my coaches back in the day. 55 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:47.439 No message. And then then I sent her a third message, 56 00:03:47.560 --> 00:03:48.840 and I just said, you know what, I'm going to 57 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:51.280 have fun. If I'm going to go down swinging here, 58 00:03:51.400 --> 00:03:53.800 I may as well swing for the fences. And I 59 00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:57.479 wrote her a third message. It was something like, hey Mom, 60 00:03:57.639 --> 00:04:02.639 Hey dad, this cute girl Katie from Tinder has vanished. 61 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:05.840 Do you think she found out I live in your basement? 62 00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:10.080 It was something like that, and then she wrote me back, 63 00:04:10.719 --> 00:04:13.800 l oh, what is it? What is rolling? On the floor, 64 00:04:13.879 --> 00:04:20.279 laughing rotfl Sorry, Connell, I'm sorry I missed your messages. 65 00:04:21.120 --> 00:04:24.160 I just got so busy. Plus I have to say 66 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:29.319 I really like your persistence. Drinks on Friday, question Mark, 67 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:30.759 and then all of a sudden we had a date 68 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:34.279 lined up. I was breaking the rules, but it was 69 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:39.000 working that second. That third message is really powerful. So 70 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.600 you are absolutely allowed to double text. It's not how 71 00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:47.600 often you text, it's the way you text. So by 72 00:04:47.639 --> 00:04:50.000 the way, so yes, you can double text. You can 73 00:04:50.040 --> 00:04:52.959 even triple text. That's right. Triple texting something I give 74 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:57.079 my clients. I say, follow the three times role. Don't 75 00:04:57.160 --> 00:05:03.160 consider yourself ghosted. Will you have sent three good, fun 76 00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:09.560 value messages after three or so? Fine, move on. I'm 77 00:05:09.560 --> 00:05:12.439 not saying I send twenty seven straight messages at all, 78 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:15.560 but so many dates. I got so many dates from 79 00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.800 the second or third message. And a lot of women 80 00:05:19.920 --> 00:05:23.079 even explicitly pointed out I like your persistence, or I 81 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:25.839 like that you followed up. Most guys give up too soon. Boom, 82 00:05:25.879 --> 00:05:28.560 here's my number. One woman even said to me recently, 83 00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:32.399 you have earned my phone number. You made me laugh, 84 00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:34.519 and I like that you followed up. Here's my number. 85 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:39.240 So women notice that. So that's the first texting commandment, 86 00:05:39.319 --> 00:05:43.279 thou shalt double text, thou shalt even triple text. But 87 00:05:44.040 --> 00:05:47.120 it only works if you follow the next commandment. The 88 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:53.120 second texting commandment is thou shalt text playfully. I'm getting 89 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:57.600 into this. My Catholic, my Catholic grade school side is 90 00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:01.680 coming out. I'm a reform Catholic anyway. Second texting commandment 91 00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:06.360 thou shalt text playfully. Bottom line is flirting isn't complicated. 92 00:06:06.439 --> 00:06:09.920 It's about being playful. Flirting really the definition of flirting, 93 00:06:10.360 --> 00:06:12.920 not my definition, it's pretty much the definition if you 94 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:19.079 really look at it. Flirting is light playfulness with clear interest. 95 00:06:19.319 --> 00:06:22.000 That's all flirting is. You're making it clear you like her, 96 00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:26.240 and you're expressing it in a light, playful way. The 97 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:30.720 Oxford English Dictionary defines flirting in part as quote playing 98 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:35.399 at love. I didn't make that up. That's Oxford. So 99 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:40.480 let's play. And that's really the secret to playful texting. 100 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:45.800 So make your text playful rather than plain. Plain texting 101 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:49.759 is how's your day? Playful texting is how's your day? 102 00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:53.399 On a scale of root canal to won the powerball? 103 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:58.000 You know, plain texting would be how was your weekend, 104 00:06:58.120 --> 00:07:03.079 What did you do? Texting? Would be pop quiz. Your 105 00:07:03.079 --> 00:07:10.480 weekend highlight was a yoga B cupcakes C eating cupcakes 106 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:14.319 during yoga. Pencils down. See the inherent playfulness and that 107 00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:16.600 women are going to be so much faster to respond 108 00:07:16.680 --> 00:07:20.199 to the second one, the playful one. So that's the 109 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:25.680 second texting commandment, thou shalt text playfully. Here is the 110 00:07:25.720 --> 00:07:33.839 third texting commandment, thou shalt ask flirty questions flirty questions. 111 00:07:34.839 --> 00:07:41.759 Notice I didn't say boring informational questions. Let's define the 112 00:07:41.800 --> 00:07:44.279 interview mode, right, you have you heard of interview mode? 113 00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:47.839 The dreaded interview mode. Oh, I get stuck in interview mode. 114 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:50.759 I just asked her four or five, six, seven straight 115 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:53.759 questions and then she went quiet. Well, yeah, but the 116 00:07:53.839 --> 00:07:59.000 problem isn't that you're asking questions. The problem is that 117 00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:04.120 you're asking informational, logical, boring questions as opposed to fun, 118 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:09.040 flirty questions. I ask women tons of questions by text, 119 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:13.480 but I'm making them fun or at least just flirtatious 120 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:18.680 or somehow emotionally interesting to women. So thou shalt ask 121 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:22.040 flirty questions? What might that look like? Well, basically, after 122 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:24.439 a little bit of playful banter. You want to dial 123 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:28.600 things up with a hint of romantic sexual attention. Here 124 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:32.480 are four good flirty questions that you can ask. My 125 00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:35.879 clients use all of these questions and more. Number one, 126 00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:40.960 what's the most romantic place you've ever been? Now you're 127 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:45.320 getting her thinking of romance. The most romantic place I've 128 00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:50.159 ever been. It was Malibu Beach with my then she 129 00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:52.279 wasn't my girlfriend, but we were falling for each other. 130 00:08:52.679 --> 00:08:56.200 Her name, I'll call her Alex. I co dedicated my 131 00:08:56.240 --> 00:09:03.240 book to her, Malibu Beach, eighteen sun is setting, We're 132 00:09:03.320 --> 00:09:05.799 falling in love. It was just the most romantic place 133 00:09:05.840 --> 00:09:10.240 I've ever been. Next flirty question, what was your first 134 00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:13.440 kiss like? That's a great question to ask women after 135 00:09:13.480 --> 00:09:16.639 a little bit of rapport, after a little banter, you 136 00:09:16.679 --> 00:09:20.039 can ask, hey, what was your first kiss like? Because 137 00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:26.440 now you're helping to focus her mind and your mind 138 00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:30.039 on light, fun, flirty topics that can help us both 139 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:34.720 feel the feels. Most people have a good Most people, 140 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:37.840 not all, but most people have an innocent, positive memory 141 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:40.440 of their first kiss. Either it was really cute and 142 00:09:40.480 --> 00:09:44.960 sweet and adorable, or it was so bad it was good. 143 00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:48.480 So that's a good question. Now keep one thing in mind. Unfortunately, 144 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:51.879 some women have a bad memory of their first kiss. 145 00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:58.200 If there was something, if there was something unfortunate happening there, 146 00:09:58.679 --> 00:10:03.279 So keep that in mind. Bringing up sexual topics you 147 00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:08.840 wanna tread lightly, But I have generally found that asking 148 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:11.600 women about what was your first kiss, like it usually 149 00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:13.879 brings out stories like, oh, I was playing Spin the 150 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:17.639 bottle or five minutes in Heaven, or it was my 151 00:10:17.759 --> 00:10:21.320 first date in high school. I was sixteen. Okay. Another 152 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:24.000 great flirty question is are you the big spoon or 153 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:29.720 the little spoon. That's an innocent way to bring the 154 00:10:29.759 --> 00:10:32.399 conversation into the bedroom, but not in a vulgar way, 155 00:10:32.440 --> 00:10:36.639 in an innocent way. And I like this one. The 156 00:10:36.679 --> 00:10:41.480 fourth flirty question brag a little bit. What's the sexiest 157 00:10:41.480 --> 00:10:45.240 thing about you? What is the sexiest thing about you? 158 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:49.320 Giving a woman permission to brag about what she finds 159 00:10:49.320 --> 00:10:52.519 sexy about her. Who knows what she might say. She 160 00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:57.320 might talk about her lips, she might talk about another 161 00:10:57.360 --> 00:11:00.000 part of her body. She might talk about her intelligen, 162 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:04.559 her humor, her confidence. Great, now you're talking about something 163 00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:07.240 that's going to make her probably feel pretty good. And 164 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:10.240 if she's feeling pretty good about how she feels while 165 00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:14.279 texting you, there's an increased chance she's increased a chance 166 00:11:14.399 --> 00:11:17.200 she's going to feel good about you, all right. The 167 00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:25.519 fourth texting commandment, thou shalt show clear romantic interest. Flirting 168 00:11:25.519 --> 00:11:31.919 has two core elements that make it flirting, play playfulness, 169 00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:37.159 and clarity. If somebody doesn't know you're flirting, then you're 170 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:40.759 not doing it right or you're not doing it clearly. 171 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:45.679 So show that romantic interest. It can be as simple 172 00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:49.399 as I like you, Hey, I like you. Do you 173 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:52.000 want to go on a date with me? I like you? 174 00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:56.720 You're charming? That is flirting. It's not fancy, but it's 175 00:11:56.759 --> 00:12:00.480 clear and it's very light and innocent. So soh yeah, 176 00:12:00.600 --> 00:12:05.159 keep that in mind. Playing it cool doesn't really work. 177 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:07.799 I don't know if it ever worked, but maybe it 178 00:12:07.879 --> 00:12:10.000 worked in the pre tender era when people just didn't 179 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:14.639 have as many options. But in the tender world, in 180 00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:18.159 the online dating world, the social media age, when everybody 181 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:21.360 shouldn'tay everybody, when so many people and so many women 182 00:12:21.399 --> 00:12:24.440 have so many dating options. If you play it cool, 183 00:12:24.759 --> 00:12:27.559 if you try to play it mysterious, chances are she'll 184 00:12:27.559 --> 00:12:30.440 just find somebody else because she has so many options. 185 00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:33.720 So don't play it cool, play it clear, play it clear. 186 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:36.000 It can be as simple as hey. I like you, 187 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:40.360 just be careful because autocorrect might change it too. I 188 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:45.279 like you save that till the fifth date. Okay, let's 189 00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:48.559 move to the next commandment. The fifth texting commandment is 190 00:12:49.399 --> 00:12:56.279 thou shalt not count thy texts. I hear this question 191 00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:58.399 so many times, at least once a week from at 192 00:12:58.480 --> 00:13:02.840 least one client. How often should I text her? While 193 00:13:02.840 --> 00:13:07.840 there's no magic number. In my single days, I texted 194 00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:11.879 some women I don't know once every couple days. I 195 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:14.879 texted some women way more than that. When my girlfriend 196 00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:19.320 Jess and I first started talking, we texted literally fifteen 197 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:23.320 twenty times a day, and that was before our first date. 198 00:13:24.200 --> 00:13:25.759 In the two or three days leading up to our 199 00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:28.879 first date, we texted dozens of times. Everybody has a 200 00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:31.759 different texting cadence. Here's the guideline to follow. Don't worry 201 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:35.840 about counting texts. Think about it this way. Let your 202 00:13:35.960 --> 00:13:40.080 chemistry with her guide you. Do you and she both 203 00:13:40.159 --> 00:13:44.320 love to text, then text your brains out. If you're 204 00:13:44.360 --> 00:13:46.600 not that big of a text her and she is. 205 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:49.120 Now we've got a little bit of a mismatch. Keep 206 00:13:49.159 --> 00:13:50.960 that in mind. She might want to text a lot, 207 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:53.200 you might not want to text that much. Or maybe 208 00:13:53.240 --> 00:13:56.039 you love to text and she is not that texting. 209 00:13:56.840 --> 00:14:00.480 Everybody has their kind of texting style and blueprint, so 210 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:04.080 let the chemistry guide you. Here's what you do want. 211 00:14:04.440 --> 00:14:07.840 Follow this guideline. Go for a fifty to fifty cadence 212 00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:12.200 roughly fifty to fifty forty sixty. In other words, don't 213 00:14:12.200 --> 00:14:15.440 send five texts if she sends you one. We don't 214 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.440 want a five to one ratio. One to one. Fifty 215 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:24.559 to fifty forty sixty either way is good, and that way, 216 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:27.240 as long as you have that fifty to fifty cadence, 217 00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:30.360 you might text once a day, you might text twenty 218 00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:33.720 times a day. As long as the cadence is roughly equal, 219 00:14:33.759 --> 00:14:37.840 you'll be in a good place. And so yeah, don't 220 00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:43.519 worry about counting texts. Just think about cadence. Now. I 221 00:14:43.639 --> 00:14:46.799 rarely say always or never, but I'm pretty close to 222 00:14:46.840 --> 00:14:51.559 always saying text at least a little bit. At least 223 00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:56.120 a little bit leading up toward hopefully a first date. 224 00:14:57.000 --> 00:15:00.559 Remember the whole purpose of texting in my life, The 225 00:15:00.679 --> 00:15:04.600 ultimate end goal, of course, is a date you meet 226 00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:07.600 her in person, of course, so keep in mind, keep 227 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:09.879 your eyes on the prize. The prize is the date, 228 00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:13.240 not the amount of text that you or she give 229 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:17.759 or get. And so I'm almost always going to recommend 230 00:15:17.879 --> 00:15:21.679 some kind of cadence, even if it's once every couple days. 231 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:24.799 My client Nick, had a first date lined up with 232 00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:28.039 a woman from Bumble. Everything was great, lots of good 233 00:15:28.559 --> 00:15:32.120 bumble bantering back and forth. He lined up a date 234 00:15:32.159 --> 00:15:36.080 with her on say, a Sunday. He got the date 235 00:15:36.279 --> 00:15:41.559 agreed to on a Sunday. Then their date was that Friday, 236 00:15:41.639 --> 00:15:46.000 so five days away. He went totally quiet. He just 237 00:15:46.039 --> 00:15:50.159 got busy. Nick's a busy guy doing his job, doing 238 00:15:50.159 --> 00:15:52.600 his job. I think it's in healthcare. He got busy. 239 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:55.799 All of a sudden, Friday comes along, it's Friday morning, 240 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.080 and he messages her and says, hey, by the way, 241 00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:03.759 we're still on for tonight. And she wrote back, sorry, 242 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:08.559 but no, you went quiet on me. I just kind 243 00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:11.840 of lost interest. It's almost what she wrote him verbatim. 244 00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:14.519 So you do want to keep some kind of cadence. 245 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.360 Doesn't have to be ten times a day. I would 246 00:16:17.399 --> 00:16:22.200 say once every couple days between a text. Say you 247 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:24.799 agree to a date, or you get her off of 248 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:27.039 a dating app, or you're messaging on each other's phones. 249 00:16:27.080 --> 00:16:29.799 However you got to that point. Let's say you have 250 00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:32.759 a date lined up four or five days out, at 251 00:16:32.879 --> 00:16:35.879 least one every couple days, so that you can keep 252 00:16:36.039 --> 00:16:38.639 both of you looking forward to the date. But it 253 00:16:38.679 --> 00:16:41.000 could be ten a day, it could be one a day. 254 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:44.759 All that matters is the fifty to fifty cadence, So 255 00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:49.000 stop counting your text It's not that important. Okay, let's 256 00:16:49.000 --> 00:16:53.360 move on to the sixth texting commandment. Thou shalt be 257 00:16:53.799 --> 00:16:58.480 thy authentic self for yourself. The authentic it's one of 258 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:01.879 my two or three cornerstone I teach. Don't put on 259 00:17:01.960 --> 00:17:05.759 a persona to impress her. You are enough right now 260 00:17:06.359 --> 00:17:10.960 as the man you are. Let her hear from the 261 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:13.480 real you. Let her text with the real core you. 262 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:18.640 If you're sweet, if you're quirky, let that come out. 263 00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:22.960 Be the guy your friends know and love. That might 264 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:26.119 sound like an obvious thing to say, be yourself, be authentic. Well, 265 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:28.200 so many guys put on a bit of a persona. 266 00:17:28.240 --> 00:17:32.920 They play it cool, They try to be extra, extra funny, 267 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:38.200 extra bored, extra challenging, and look, I'm fine with a 268 00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:42.400 little bit of fun flirting shtick. I'm the flirting guy. 269 00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:44.920 I love flirting, one of the core things I teach. 270 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:51.599 But bottom line is she's gonna find value in you, 271 00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:54.880 the man who's going to meet her on the date. 272 00:17:54.920 --> 00:17:58.839 It's not about your texts finds. She's going to find 273 00:17:58.839 --> 00:18:01.319 so much more worth in me. You not in the 274 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:06.480 words you say. It's almost like the texting. The flirting 275 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:11.799 is icing on a cake, but you're the cake. You 276 00:18:12.599 --> 00:18:15.680 so be who you are by text. If you are 277 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:19.279 a dorky dad, to text her your dorky dad jokes, 278 00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:22.279 No judgment for me. I love dad jokes. I'm a 279 00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:25.359 cat dad, not a dad dad, but close enough. If 280 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:30.920 you're a jock, talk about sports, or if you're a ballbuster, 281 00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:33.480 if you like to roast people, be a little bit roasty, 282 00:18:33.559 --> 00:18:36.279 be a little bit challenging. If that's you. If that's 283 00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:40.680 not you, don't do that. Women can smell in authenticity. 284 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:45.319 They can smell a guy putting on airrors putting on 285 00:18:45.359 --> 00:18:47.279 a persona. They can they can smell that out like 286 00:18:47.359 --> 00:18:50.119 too much axe bodies ray. So we don't want to 287 00:18:50.160 --> 00:18:53.559 be that way. Here's a pro tip. Here's a good 288 00:18:53.559 --> 00:18:58.400 way for you to know your texting as your authentic self. Study. 289 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:02.640 Go to your phone. Look at the text messages you send. 290 00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:05.720 A couple of really good friends or people you're very 291 00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:10.839 comfortable with, could be your friends, could be family. And 292 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:14.880 basically look at how you text. Notice how loose you are, 293 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:21.599 I assume. Notice you're not trying to gain points, and 294 00:19:21.680 --> 00:19:25.000 you're all probably not asking a bunch of logical, boring questions. 295 00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:29.400 You're probably being yourself. And however you text that person, 296 00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:33.240 you're closed to text women pretty much the same way. 297 00:19:33.599 --> 00:19:36.680 Just add a little bit of flirtatiousness and just and 298 00:19:36.759 --> 00:19:41.880 don't call her bro. Don't call her bro. But okay, 299 00:19:41.960 --> 00:19:47.119 let's move to the seventh texting commandment, number seven. This 300 00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:50.640 that makes me laugh. Number seven thou shalt not be 301 00:19:50.839 --> 00:19:54.839 a needy bitch boy. That's in quotes, by the way, 302 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:57.920 needy bitch boy is in quotes. So I have a 303 00:19:57.960 --> 00:20:02.000 client named Aaron. Aaron I had an amazing date with 304 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:07.680 a woman named Lisa. They went to a music festival 305 00:20:07.720 --> 00:20:10.000 here in New York or some kind of a day 306 00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:13.720 long music show, and it was a great date. It 307 00:20:13.759 --> 00:20:16.880 was her first date. I coached him through it. He 308 00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:20.519 was so excited about Lisa. She is a wow girl 309 00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:24.119 to Aaron, and they had a really good date. They danced, 310 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:27.559 they kissed. I coached him on the art of going 311 00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:32.400 for that first kiss and everything went great, awesome first date. 312 00:20:34.440 --> 00:20:38.480 Then a week or two passes and he was so 313 00:20:38.559 --> 00:20:42.440 bummed out. He kept texting me, Oh, Connell, I'm so disappointed. 314 00:20:43.000 --> 00:20:46.839 No answer back. She didn't respond to my message. Oh, 315 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:51.279 I'm so disappointed. I thought she was into me. And 316 00:20:51.319 --> 00:20:53.759 I looked at his phone. I looked at the exchanges 317 00:20:53.799 --> 00:20:56.759 between Lisa and Aaron, and she was messaging him back, 318 00:20:56.839 --> 00:20:59.720 just not as much as he wanted. He was messaging 319 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:02.279 a lot, she was not messaging as much. That goes 320 00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:05.480 back to the whole cadence thing I talked about. And 321 00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:07.559 he was like he was bummed out, like she had 322 00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:12.000 dumped him and she hadn't. She was just not giving 323 00:21:12.079 --> 00:21:16.160 him the texting validation. And I said, dude, you made 324 00:21:16.240 --> 00:21:20.759 out with a total babe on date number one. And 325 00:21:20.799 --> 00:21:24.599 I think this was his first ever first date kiss. 326 00:21:24.920 --> 00:21:28.799 I think, and if it wasn't, it was his first 327 00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:30.759 ever kiss with a woman of this caliber. I know 328 00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:33.119 that because he was so excited. So I said, dude, 329 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:36.599 you made out with a total wow girl, a total awesome, 330 00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:40.039 wonderful woman. What are you in this for? Are you 331 00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:41.759 in this? And oh? And he had a second date 332 00:21:41.799 --> 00:21:44.319 lined up, She had already agreed to a second date, 333 00:21:44.839 --> 00:21:48.240 and he was texting me. Oh, she's not messaging me back. 334 00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:51.119 I'm so disappointed, and I'm like, dude, are you in 335 00:21:51.160 --> 00:21:53.799 this for the dates or for the texts? What are 336 00:21:53.839 --> 00:21:57.039 you in this for? We had a heart tear and 337 00:21:57.079 --> 00:22:00.680 he laughed about it. He said, you're right, no, no, 338 00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:04.160 no more being a needy bitch boy. By the way, 339 00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:07.559 Aaron's not a quote needy bitch boy, but there are 340 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:12.279 times when we become needy and secure. And bottom line 341 00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:14.799 is he's a guy who likes a woman to send 342 00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:17.839 him a lot of text messages. Lisa wasn't doing that. 343 00:22:18.480 --> 00:22:21.880 But remember we are in the whole texting game. At 344 00:22:21.960 --> 00:22:26.079 least I always was for the dates, for the relationship, 345 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:29.039 for the meeting in person and letting that chemistry happen, 346 00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:32.640 letting that connection happen. So anyway, don't be a needy 347 00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:37.839 bitch boy. In other words, count dates, don't count texts. 348 00:22:38.119 --> 00:22:40.240 We're not in this to get a certain number of texts. 349 00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:43.440 We're in this too. Hopefully find a great girlfriend, meet 350 00:22:43.480 --> 00:22:45.920 her in person, and see if you guys become a 351 00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:49.039 couple or at least have a romantic connection. All right. 352 00:22:49.319 --> 00:22:55.119 The eighth texting commandment thou shalt use jiffs, photos, videos, 353 00:22:55.119 --> 00:23:00.559 and voice notes. Yeah, mix up the media. Mix up 354 00:23:00.599 --> 00:23:03.759 the media so that you're not just sending text messages only. 355 00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:08.839 This makes your texting feel so much more alive. You know. 356 00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:13.079 If she gets a raise, queue up the Leo Leonardo 357 00:23:13.160 --> 00:23:18.279 DiCaprio Champagne toast Jeff from I think it's from The 358 00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:22.599 Great Gatsby or no, maybe, oh, maybe it's from Maybe 359 00:23:22.599 --> 00:23:25.880 it's from Wolf Wall Street. Well, whatever it's from, there's 360 00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:29.720 a DiCaprio Champagne toast. She gets a raise, she gets 361 00:23:29.720 --> 00:23:33.680 a promotion, send her that, Send her the Jeff. You 362 00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:38.480 have an adorable cat who does backflips, Send her a video. 363 00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:44.200 As I record this podcast, I'm looking at my cat, Reggie, 364 00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:49.240 on my chair in front of me. He's on his back, 365 00:23:49.359 --> 00:23:52.440 his bellies in the air. He's just goofing around like 366 00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:56.200 the dumbest little orange tabby boom. If I was dating, 367 00:23:56.200 --> 00:23:57.920 I would take a video of this and send it 368 00:23:57.920 --> 00:24:01.640 to the girl I was texting. So, yeah, you have 369 00:24:01.680 --> 00:24:04.039 a cat, you have a dog, send a fun dog 370 00:24:04.160 --> 00:24:06.839 or cat video. I had this great little ten second 371 00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:10.279 video I took this years ago. I'm in Chelsea, New 372 00:24:10.319 --> 00:24:13.880 York City. These two cute, little fluffy dogs, like a 373 00:24:13.880 --> 00:24:18.119 little fluffy white shit su and a maybe a brownish 374 00:24:18.119 --> 00:24:21.200 shit sue. They're in a red convertible. Their owner was 375 00:24:21.400 --> 00:24:23.880 driving them around this little red convertible and it looked 376 00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:27.400 like the dogs were driving. These two little dogs roll 377 00:24:27.480 --> 00:24:30.240 by me on the sidewalk here in New York City, 378 00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:32.039 and I take my phone out and I take a 379 00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:37.279 ten second, twelve second video of these two dogs. And 380 00:24:37.319 --> 00:24:40.240 in the video, I'm like, WHOA, look out, crazy drivers 381 00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:44.920 in New York. I'm laughing. The dogs are adorable. I 382 00:24:44.960 --> 00:24:50.119 have sent that video to dozens of women and it 383 00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:53.519 invariably gets a big fat oh my god LLL. That's 384 00:24:53.559 --> 00:24:59.519 so cute adorable. So yeah, don't just settle for dry texting. 385 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.920 If you got a dad joke, don't just text it. 386 00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:05.759 Maybe send her a voice note, you know, maybe you 387 00:25:05.880 --> 00:25:10.119 like dad jokes. I do. Why do cows have hoofs 388 00:25:11.039 --> 00:25:15.319 because they lack tose thank you. You're welcome for that. 389 00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.079 But maybe send that message to a woman by audio 390 00:25:19.319 --> 00:25:25.160 a voice note. Are you attracted to certain tones of voice? 391 00:25:25.279 --> 00:25:29.839 Do you love the sound of the right woman's voice, 392 00:25:30.440 --> 00:25:34.880 You know, the gravelly Demi Moore type voice or the 393 00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:39.079 smoky scarlet Johanson type voice. Well, guess what women are 394 00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:42.839 attracted to your voice? Women are attracted to men's voices, 395 00:25:43.440 --> 00:25:47.400 And so sending her sending her a voice note on 396 00:25:47.440 --> 00:25:50.079 occasion seeing if she responds to that, You never know, 397 00:25:50.319 --> 00:25:54.000 that might get her feeling the fuels for you. So yes, 398 00:25:54.279 --> 00:25:58.920 ape commandment, don't just use words and text, use jiffs, photos, videos, 399 00:25:59.000 --> 00:26:01.720 voice notes. Find out what works for you. Find out 400 00:26:01.720 --> 00:26:06.880 what women like, all right. The ninth texting commandment thou 401 00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:12.480