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Speaker 1: You guys. Hi, it's me mother, It's me Satan.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Hell. I saved you a seat.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to Talking Schmidt. I am your host, Brittany Schmidt,

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and I am so excited to be here.

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Speaker 2: With you guys.

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Speaker 3: I Uh, what has.

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Speaker 2: Been going on in my life? I just got back

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from Vegas.

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Speaker 1: You guys, I've been I don't know why I've been

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going to Vegas kind of a lot lately.

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Speaker 2: I know why.

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Speaker 1: My boyfriend loves to gamble.

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Speaker 3: Uh.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, he loves to gamble. He loves to win, doesn't

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love to lose. Unfortunately, we took a little bit of

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an l this week.

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Speaker 2: Not week. We weren't there for a week. We were

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there for two days.

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Speaker 1: We went with this family, his wonderful family. We went

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and saw The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere, which

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was so cool. It was such an experience for those

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of you who haven't been to Vegas. Don't know about

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the Spear. It's the spear. You don't know about spear.

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You don't know about spear fishing. Let me tell you

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about the Spear.

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Speaker 2: The Sphere they.

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Speaker 1: Do interactive movie screenings. I think the only one they're

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doing now is the Wizard of Oz, which is what

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we saw, and it was really so special and so incredible.

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Speaker 3: And.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Vegas is just, you know, Vegas is Vegas. I'm getting.

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I'm getting. I've been over Vegas for a while. I

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can't say it the right way.

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Speaker 1: It's Vegas lost, welcome to Las Vegas. For some reason,

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I say a vaight Vegas.

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Speaker 2: Everyone hates it. I hate it.

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Speaker 1: I wish I could never go back. I don't like gambling.

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I don't like losing. Anytime I lose like one hundred dollars,

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I'm like, you know what I could have done with

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one hundred dollars. We take out like a little bit

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of money that we're like in our minds, we're okay

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with losing, but I'm never okay with losing any money.

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If I want to lose money, I'll go shopping, you know,

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if I want to lose money. This is how I

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think about shopping too. I'm like, when I go shopping

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and I go online shopping and I don't like something

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and I get to return it, that's a win. That's

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how I win my money in life. I win my

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money back, which I know it's just a little bit,

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it's still losing, but in my mind it's winning and

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that's girl math. But yeah, I'm I'm here. I'm back

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in LA for a short period of time and then

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I leave to go to New York and then we're.

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Speaker 2: Going to Italy.

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Speaker 1: You guys.

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Speaker 2: I'm so excited.

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Speaker 1: I am going to Tuscany for a wellness retreat, which

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you know, mister Manhattan booked for me to say congratulations

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for my comedy special that I shot. And I'm just

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so excited. I've never taken a trip like this before

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where it's just going to be like massages and facials

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and lymphatic drainage and a workout like a trainer, and

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it's just gonna be really, really nice. I'm excited to

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see Italy in fall. I'm excited to see the foliage.

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I'm excited to tell you guys about it. But I

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am on the run. And for those of you who

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are looking to come see me live, my dates are

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going to start again in January, and let me pull

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those up actually, so I can tell you guys where

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I'm going to be and win. And I should have

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had these pulled up already, but I don't because I'm

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not a professional. I'm just a girl. Uh, okay, you guys,

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this is my schedule.

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Speaker 4: Okay.

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Speaker 1: January seventh, I'm gonna be in Portland, Oregon at the

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Helium Comedy Club. January eighth. I'm gonna be in Seattle, Washington.

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January twenty seventh. I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina. January

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twenty eighth. I will be in Austin, Texas, January thirtieth.

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Wait a minute, you guys, you guys, this is so funny. Okay,

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So the twenty fourth of January, I'm actually hosting.

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Speaker 2: The av Awards in.

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Speaker 1: Vegas, which is crazy. I'll be back in Vegas. But

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for those of you who don't know what the AVAN

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Awards are, it's.

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Speaker 4: The porn Awards. So excited.

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Speaker 1: As someone who watches no porn, I'm so excited to

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see everyone in their element getting their awards. I have

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no idea what hosting that is going to be like,

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but I'm pretty excited.

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Speaker 2: I think it's I think it's gonna be fun.

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Speaker 1: I OnlyFans introduced me to the people over at AVN

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the ABN Awards, and they booked me to host, and

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I think it's gonna be a really fun time. So

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I don't anticipate any of you guys will be tuning

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in for that. But if you want to, if you

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want to watch Mama Bear host the Porn Awards and

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insult some porn stars, go, I think you can stream it.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, I mean no.

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Speaker 1: Literally, I was going back and forth about the job.

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I didn't know if I wanted to take it or not.

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And my boyfriend was like, you're taking You're taking the job.

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You're doing this for us, You're putting the team on

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your fucking back right now. So and also one of

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my dear friends, Trevor, who lives up in Vegas, him

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and his girlfriend I have always wanted to go, So

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we're all gonna go. We're gonna have a great night.

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It's gonna be a lot of fun. And then I

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have another show in January. I am filming a Don't

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Tell Special taping in San Francisco. It's just a short

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little set, but it's gonna be a lot of fun.

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So I will see you there. So yeah, Mama Bear

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is hosting the Porn Awards.

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Speaker 2: Listen.

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Speaker 1: I had a porn addiction and so I had to

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stop watching peorn when I was really deep in my alcoholism.

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One of my cures for a hangover was feverishly masturbating.

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Speaker 2: I used to This is how crazy I was.

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Speaker 1: I would be driving home from somewhere in the morning

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hungover and I would like macerbate my car because I'm like, oh, like,

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if I get a nut, I'll be able to like

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push all the demons out of me. And then that

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really turned into something dark, and I started like missing

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work and just watching peorn all the time.

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Speaker 2: And it was not. Honestly, twenty twelve was a rough

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year for your girl.

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Speaker 1: She had a little bit of a porn addiction, she

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had other addictions, she was in jail. Just you know,

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I wasn't a shining star of a human being. So listen,

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we all grow and we all change, and we can

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start somewhere and be abhorrent and the worst version of ourselves,

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and then we grow and we change and we learn

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and we look back at that version of ourself with

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love but also like, what the fuck were you actually doing?

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And I am so excited for this episode, especially to

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talk about change and growth and the evolution of us,

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you know, as people both in and out of sobriety.

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Our guest today is one of my dear friends and

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someone who is completely unrecognizable from what the world.

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Speaker 2: May know her as.

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Speaker 1: Her name is Alexis Haynes, formally Alexis Nyers, formally the

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she might have done the bling ring, But the woman

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I know today is so strong and such a pillar

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of strength in the both in and out of the

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sobriety community. She has dedicated her entire life to rehabilitation

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and helping people recover. And you know, she kind of

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bottomed out in the spotlight and has grown so much

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from it. She has fourteen years sober, and she is

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somebody that I've been working with both with sex and

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love addiction and my own journey with sobriety. And she's

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been so kind and so gracious and so generous with me,

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and she has just been such a soft place for

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me to land whenever I fall. And she is one

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of the most insightful, strong, powerful women that I am

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honored to call a friend. And I really hope you

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guys enjoy this episode as much.

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Speaker 2: As I did.

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Speaker 1: Please, please, please, please enjoy my conversation with Alexis Haynes.

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Speaker 2: Oh my God, Hi, Hi, how are you very good?

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Your secrets? Oh God? Going right for the jugular.

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Speaker 3: Because I'm out of here, please, I hear you too enough.

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I'm just gonna go sit over here by again. Oh

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my gosh. No, I'm really good. I'm happy to be here.

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I'm I think that you know, the outline that you

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sent me was really refreshing.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, Well, because here's the thing. You have a

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past that everyone won't stop talking about.

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Speaker 2: But the person that.

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Speaker 1: I know now, like, it's not that person.

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Speaker 2: I'll fite you.

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Speaker 3: Brittany doesn't get emotional ever. Okay, good times, No I do.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I just really think the world of you,

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Like I really when I met you. I met you

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at such a crucial time in my life because I

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was struggling so much with love addiction and my sponsor

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at the time didn't have any clue about that. You know,

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she was just helping me with, you know, my alcoholism.

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And when I would go to her and be really

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upset about this boy that I hung out with four

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times but he like broke my heart and I was

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in the blender, She's like, wait, wait, wait, you hung

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out four times.

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Speaker 2: She's like, get over it, and.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, she doesn't understand the pain and suffering

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that comes at once, right, by like getting that hit

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of oxytocin.

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Speaker 1: Well, I mean, it's the most addictive thing in the world.

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And I think oftentimes when addicts, drug addicts, alcoholics, they

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quit using that thing, this other thing pops up, which

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is love addiction.

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Speaker 2: What is your experience with that?

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Speaker 3: I mean listen, like you know this, I've shared this

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with you. Like I'm the type of alcohol Like I

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have the ism in every area of my life, you know.

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Like I was in Alatine from the time I was twelve,

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because it's Latine alan on but for teenagers. Oh okay, yeah,

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Like I was like being asked to do the work

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long before I was ready to do the work. Right,

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I'll just be totally candid, And there's I haven't talked

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a lot about my sexual abuse history, m but I

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had sex and love issues because I was being sexually

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abused my whole childhood, you know what I mean. So

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like my concept of like love, I was, if you

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want to get silly, yeah, I mean it's silly.

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Speaker 4: Right after that, she's like, if you want to get silly?

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After we talk about being sexually as a child.

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Speaker 3: Like people ask me when did it begin? When I

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was four? When I was being forced to like give

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blowjobs up four years old, like that's really when it started,

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Like and that makes people, Oh, it makes people uncomfortable.

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And it's funny because like I'll joke with partners and

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they'll be like, you're really good at that, and I'm like,

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thanks for doing it since I was a toddler, and

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like nobody laughs. I laugh. I can laugh now, right right,

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Like I've totally healed, and we can talk about like

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what it takes to heal all of that, so that

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what your nervous system no longer is triggered by hearing that.

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I don't believe in trigger warnings. I think that we're

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raising a generation that is absolutely fucked. There's therapist I

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work in behavioral health care now, and like there's therapists

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who are in school asking for trigger warnings. I'm sorry, then,

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you have no business being a fucking therapist, right, you know, literally,

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so my sex and love issues, like my value, my

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inherent value. My perception of my value was skewed from

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a very early age. And my connection of love and

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the safest people, closest people to me that we're doing

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these harmful things, right, Like, my perception got really skewed right, right,

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So there's that, So there's the trauma aspect of that, right,

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And then I also just have the ism like all

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become an addict of anything, of overworking, out of overshopping,

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of overeating, of underreating, of whatever it might be, because

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like that is my modus operandi, you know. And so

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in the Big Book when it says like men and

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women drink essentially because we like the effect. And you

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know this because when we I work the slaw through

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the twelve Steps of Alcoholics anonymous, and it's like men

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and women engage in relationships, men and women engage in

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shopping and sex and in love and whatever because we

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like the effect. And then what happens is this feeling

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is so elusive for some of us. We get so

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hooked in on the vibes and the energy and the

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delulu and the fantasy, right and the.

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Speaker 1: Like, creating a person that doesn't exist.

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Speaker 3: And mean delicious, and then we have sex and it's

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even better, yeah, whatever that we can no longer differentiate

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true from false. He wants the same things that I want.

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She wants the same things that I want, right, and

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then all of a sudden those things aren't aligning arguments

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start right discourse. We're meeting that like wall.

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Speaker 1: And the wall is actually just who the person actually

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is and was the whole time, and it just the

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wall that we're hitting against is our fantasy of the

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person that we've created in our head. And then they're

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showing us, Hey, I'm not that person, and then we

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don't believe that because we're so addicted to how they

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made us feel and how we envision them being for

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the rest of our lives and in the next lifetime,

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you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: No, this is we're going to die together, like next

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to each other in the grade, Like this is the

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way that it's going to be.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I would have like fundamental differences with people,

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like real, real differences that would be huge issues in

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any sort of relationship, and I would overlook them.

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Speaker 2: And I just was like, that's my man.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what to do about the fact he

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hasn't called me in six weeks. He just is out

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there meeting other girls to find out that I'm the one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like the delusion is.

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Speaker 3: That it's indeed extraordinarily painful, and like I met you

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at a time period in your life like I had

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just come out of three almost three years of like

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intensive work on sex and love issues when I met

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Brittany and a mutual friend of ours who introduced us,

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and I was just coming out of it, and the

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two of them were like having we were together together.

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Speaker 1: We were hand in hand going into the pits of

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hell with our sex and love addiction. That is actually

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what bonded us was that we were both so chaotic

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and so crazy in the same ways with relationships, where like,

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you know, she was talking to somebody who was married

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with a family and was like, no, this is going

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to be the love of my life. I'm going to

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get her out of this house and I'm gonna help

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her raise her kids, and I'm just like And then me,

286
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I met like the final boss of crazy who has

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a full documentary about how insane he is, and I

288
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was like, I can fix him. I think he's just

289
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that bad because he hasn't met me yet. And then

290
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I met you right after I got chewed out and

291
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chewed up and spit out after that, and I was like,

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I need help, But I think I scared you a

293
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little at first.

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Speaker 3: So no, no, no, no, nothing scares me nothing. The shit

295
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that I hear in people's fifth steps. I mean, nothing,

296
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nothing scares me. But what I'll tell you, or to date,

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nothing scared me. What I'll tell you is that, Yeah,

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I mean I think that you know, and the therapists

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will call it attachment issues and whatever whatever name that

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you want to get it. But I I think that

301
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so few people on this planet in general have done

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any work at all on themselves. Well, I do not

303
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understand their past, their present. They're the way that they're

304
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operating that is maladaptive or otherwise. Like, I think that

305
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most people operate on automatic pilot, are driven by a

306
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sense of fear and security, pleasure, dopamine, whatever, like, don't

307
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know how to be mindful, don't know how to check

308
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in with themselves, don't know how to like reality tests,

309
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and so I mean, it's no wonder to me that

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the divorce rate is as high as it is, you know,

311
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I just I don't think. I don't think people know themselves.

312
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Speaker 1: No, because it's so much easier to not. It's so

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much easier once you get thrust into this world and

314
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you do start drinking or using or shopping or whatever.

315
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All those things that you were saying earlier, those are

316
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all things that we do to just keep ourselves from ourselves,

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like just so we don't have to look at ourselves,

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so we don't have to feel anything.

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Speaker 2: So the thing that.

320
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Speaker 1: We're feeling, we're trying to control it. It's like, I

321
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want to feel good, so I'm gonna buy these shoes

322
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that I want, and you want the shoes, and you

323
00:15:47,679 --> 00:15:49,279
bought the shoes, and then the shoes were too expensive,

324
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and now you feel bad and then you start to spiral,

325
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and then you go into shame, and then you need

326
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something else to make you feel good. So you're like,

327
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I'm gonna go have sex with this guy who doesn't

328
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really like me, and that feels good while he's.

329
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Speaker 3: Like and I'm gonna wear the shoes.

330
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Speaker 1: And yeah, and that feels good while it's happening, and

331
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then he doesn't call you back, and then you spiral again,

332
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and then it's just like it's kind of just this

333
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,440
like snake eating its.

334
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Speaker 2: Tail of how we all go through the world.

335
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Speaker 3: And again, like this is why I work that the

336
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:18,120
Big Book, and I know that like it's controversial if

337
00:16:18,159 --> 00:16:20,879
people should talk about this or not, but like that

338
00:16:21,039 --> 00:16:24,960
is my bible. This is the perfect example of this

339
00:16:25,159 --> 00:16:29,639
is that you know we're all to some degree flailing

340
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:35,080
through life. And when you have a dysregulated nervous system

341
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and when you're feeling like you're flailing, people seek control,

342
00:16:39,919 --> 00:16:44,320
and they seek controlled typically in all sorts of dysfunctional ways,

343
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and most of them are unaware that they're doing said

344
00:16:48,879 --> 00:16:54,320
thing right. Right, And so it's the example of the director. Right.

345
00:16:54,759 --> 00:16:58,279
Everyone thinks that they're the director of the show if

346
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only this happens, and if this happens, and if they

347
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,279
say this thing, and if I get this, and if

348
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,759
I then everything will be okay. And don't you know

349
00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:06,519
that you should just show up here the way that

350
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,440
I want you to show up here every single day.

351
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,240
And if you don't show up, you know what I mean?

352
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:12,440
And it's just like and then the second that that

353
00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:16,079
one thing or those things don't start operating in the

354
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:20,079
way that you want it to operate. Right, we do

355
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,039
a couple of things. One is we seek more control.

356
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:27,319
We become more demanding or gracious or manipulative or kind

357
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,400
or loving or sexy to get what we want or whatever, right,

358
00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:33,279
but we're doing it out of a place of resentment, right,

359
00:17:34,519 --> 00:17:38,200
Or we just you know, spiral and implode and whatever else.

360
00:17:38,799 --> 00:17:46,079
And it's just it's just not a sustainable way of operating.

361
00:17:46,279 --> 00:17:49,519
And so I think that for you, what I noticed

362
00:17:50,519 --> 00:17:52,720
was really a lot of that. It's just like I

363
00:17:52,759 --> 00:17:55,440
feel out of control. I need a sense of control.

364
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,599
Doing this thing brings me control. It makes me feel

365
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,440
powerful and empowered until it stops.

366
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Speaker 1: But that's like everything. I mean, I feel like I've

367
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,640
lived enough life to now know that, Like if I

368
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,000
want things a certain way and I get them, even

369
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,039
if I get them, I'm not happy.

370
00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:12,119
Speaker 3: No, You're never satisfied.

371
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,480
Speaker 4: Something something new comes up. It's like it just keeps moving.

372
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,119
Speaker 2: And keeps shifting hard, it keeps going.

373
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Speaker 1: Yeah, So I don't know, and I just think it's

374
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:24,279
you know, it's so funny because it's like I know, intellectually,

375
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,839
I know that control is the root of all suffering,

376
00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:29,400
or the illusion of control is the root of all suffering,

377
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,720
or trying to hold on to something that's it's always

378
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:32,119
in motion.

379
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,160
Speaker 2: It's going to make you miserable. I know that. But

380
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,039
there's a big difference between.

381
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,200
Speaker 1: How I know I should act and how I act

382
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,359
like a big one. And I feel like even in

383
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,880
this new relationship that I have, it's showing up you know,

384
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,160
I'm like, how much work have I done on myself

385
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,519
in this area? How many times have I journaled or wrote,

386
00:18:51,559 --> 00:18:54,000
you know, wrote shit down, tried to figure out, like

387
00:18:54,039 --> 00:18:57,200
why I'm acting like this? How many times have I

388
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:58,839
wrote down all the things I want to let go

389
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,519
of and burn the piece of paper were under a

390
00:19:00,519 --> 00:19:03,559
full moon, to let go of it, And then it

391
00:19:03,599 --> 00:19:06,119
comes back and I feel like that's like happening again

392
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,680
a little bit in this relationship because it's new and

393
00:19:08,759 --> 00:19:11,480
I'm scared and I want control and I don't want

394
00:19:11,519 --> 00:19:13,880
it to ever leave because love feels so good, but

395
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,559
it's all just like it's a mess, and help me.

396
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:23,079
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, So sponsor talk, I mean two things like, okay,

397
00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:27,440
so like we become aware of our defects of character

398
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:32,200
of aret, the way that we operate by doing inventory

399
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,039
and looking at ourselves thoroughly and not holding back at

400
00:19:35,039 --> 00:19:39,920
these patterns and behaviors. And like, in my experience, there's

401
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:44,200
really only two things that like keep me out of

402
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,200
my own way, because I'll get in my own I

403
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,960
just had a conversation with you the other day where

404
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:53,160
I was like, my sponsors checked me so fucking hard,

405
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,079
so fucking hard. But the second that she did, I

406
00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:01,279
had that perspective shift in all of a sudden, like

407
00:20:01,319 --> 00:20:04,359
the clouds parted, and I became so grateful, and like

408
00:20:04,559 --> 00:20:08,200
in my experience, there's really only like if my mind

409
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,400
could fix my mind. You know, I've told you this

410
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,599
a million times. If my mind, like if I could

411
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,720
just do enough journaling and enough burning the papers and

412
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:20,880
enough saging and enough book reading to get well, then

413
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,319
one I would be a normy and two like that

414
00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:25,200
would be great.

415
00:20:25,519 --> 00:20:27,200
Speaker 1: An enormy for those of you who don't know as

416
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,599
somebody without addiction ses I.

417
00:20:29,599 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 3: Love addiction issues, sex addiction issues, codependency, addiction, whatever you

418
00:20:35,279 --> 00:20:38,200
want to call it, any processing disorders.

419
00:20:39,079 --> 00:20:40,000
Speaker 2: A real nice life.

420
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:45,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know, but what I will tell you

421
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:49,119
is that like if if my mind had enough power

422
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,039
to fix my mind, then like then I would be

423
00:20:51,079 --> 00:20:53,640
a normy. I wouldn't be an alcoholic addicts sex and

424
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,880
love attict like I wouldn't. I wouldn't be those things.

425
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,200
And so like that, there's only two things that can

426
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,440
fix is God and service. And like I know that

427
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,920
you have a big enough God right now to say God,

428
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,200
like I welcome you into this relationship like I am

429
00:21:08,279 --> 00:21:12,279
fully surrendered, like have this relationship whether it works out

430
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,160
or it doesn't, you know, And that's so hard too.

431
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,119
And you know, like for me, I have a daughter

432
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:24,640
who's twelve and we are going through preteen hormones. Oh

433
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,960
my god. The shit that I'm dealing with in my

434
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,839
house right now is I'm holding on for dear life.

435
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,200
But oftentimes I'm just like I can't do like God

436
00:21:33,319 --> 00:21:37,680
do it, like bringing God into the relationship. And so

437
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,000
I think that like the spiritual practice of whatever, like

438
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,599
just the surrender you just said, control is the root

439
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,480
of all of my issues, and so what do you

440
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,920
So you notice, Oh, I have all of these issues,

441
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,480
but now I'm going to try to control myself to

442
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,599
fix the issue, Like do you see the faulty thinking

443
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:58,599
in that, Like, Okay, I'm just gonna try to control

444
00:21:58,759 --> 00:22:01,759
my mouth or so my action.

445
00:22:01,559 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 1: Because then I'm trying to behave the way that I

446
00:22:03,519 --> 00:22:06,039
think I should behave, and then it causes this internal

447
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:08,519
chaos where I'm not okay.

448
00:22:08,319 --> 00:22:11,279
Speaker 3: And then you're stepping on his toes because that eventually

449
00:22:11,319 --> 00:22:13,759
implodes and he responds, and then you end up bitter

450
00:22:13,799 --> 00:22:15,799
and resemful because you're not getting the response that you

451
00:22:15,839 --> 00:22:17,920
want and then you're on the hamster wheel. It doesn't work.

452
00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:20,440
And so the only thing that I will tell you

453
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:25,839
is like, okay, like like, God, I literally give you

454
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,880
this relationship, Like, help me, help me in these areas.

455
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,160
I'm super clear that I can be what are your

456
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,880
top two struggles.

457
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:35,440
Speaker 2: Insecurity?

458
00:22:35,599 --> 00:22:38,599
Speaker 3: I'm super clear God, that I can be insecure. Help

459
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,279
me to see that, like you, that I am made

460
00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:45,480
perfectly in your image, and that I am worthy of

461
00:22:45,599 --> 00:22:47,799
a of a good relationship because I'm a good woman.

462
00:22:47,839 --> 00:22:51,319
And these are the reasons why. Okay, so insecurity, and

463
00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:52,279
I think just fear.

464
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,119
Speaker 1: It's the fear of it going away. It's like when

465
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:58,240
you're when yeah, like I've been alone for three years

466
00:22:58,279 --> 00:23:00,119
and I started to get lonely and I started to

467
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,039
want companionship.

468
00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 2: And now I have it.

469
00:23:01,759 --> 00:23:03,880
Speaker 1: And I'm like, and I'm holding onto it like the

470
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,400
bar of soap and you hold on to tighten it

471
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,000
pops out and you hold out to lose it.

472
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,319
Speaker 2: It falls out.

473
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,160
Speaker 1: Anyway, the soap just goes in someone's fast in prison,

474
00:23:10,279 --> 00:23:11,359
and that's where it blongs.

475
00:23:11,519 --> 00:23:19,039
Speaker 3: Yeah no, and I get that too, but like.

476
00:23:17,119 --> 00:23:18,000
Speaker 2: Like nothing but.

477
00:23:20,079 --> 00:23:22,720
Speaker 3: And like and then you have the opportunity to either

478
00:23:22,799 --> 00:23:24,640
like leave it or pick it up again.

479
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:25,119
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.

480
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,920
Speaker 3: Like you know, I'm sure you have that same feeling

481
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,960
when you and Chris got divorced. I don't take this

482
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,039
thing away from me. And now you're like, God, thank

483
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,920
god you took this thing away from me. As a

484
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,000
woman who's also been divorced after ten years of marriage,

485
00:23:39,599 --> 00:23:43,240
it was the same thing, My dear God, Why why

486
00:23:43,359 --> 00:23:45,839
is this happening to me? Yeah, I don't want this

487
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:50,240
to happen. And the more that I just was like, okay,

488
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,880
like I just have to have faith, the more that

489
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,400
I started to see the miracles unfold in my life.

490
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,599
And I will say this, like, no amount of you

491
00:23:58,799 --> 00:24:02,839
clenching onto this relationship is going to make it work better.

492
00:24:02,559 --> 00:24:03,359
Speaker 2: For you, Oh I know.

493
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,559
Speaker 3: And in fact, it's actually gonna make it work.

494
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:06,359
Speaker 2: No, I know.

495
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,960
Speaker 1: And that's why I'm saying, there's like this cognitive dissonance

496
00:24:09,039 --> 00:24:11,480
in me, and that's really frustrating because it's like I've

497
00:24:11,519 --> 00:24:13,319
done all this work and I know how I should

498
00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:15,599
feel and how I should act, and then there's this

499
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,480
other little kremlin that's showing up.

500
00:24:17,559 --> 00:24:20,240
Speaker 4: Well, then she's like, who's fucking harriss? This, you know,

501
00:24:20,599 --> 00:24:22,880
And then he's like, I haven't cleaned my apartment in

502
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:23,400
a year and a half.

503
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:24,880
Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, now we have a bigger problem,

504
00:24:25,039 --> 00:24:26,680
because even crackheads.

505
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,640
Speaker 4: Fine brutes, like why did I clean your apartment in

506
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:29,359
a year and a half.

507
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:31,960
Speaker 3: I mean, the other thing that I'll say too, is

508
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,279
like that voice is only loud because you're not doing

509
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,680
enough service work. And I've talked to you about this,

510
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:40,960
like you need to be doing when you are it Like, okay, wait,

511
00:24:41,279 --> 00:24:44,960
can I tell you a perfect example. Chris gets up

512
00:24:45,039 --> 00:24:45,759
the other morning.

513
00:24:45,839 --> 00:24:47,279
Speaker 2: Chris is your partner, not my exent.

514
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:52,640
Speaker 3: Chris is my fiancee. Okay, I'm exhausted. I've worked a

515
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:57,039
sixty hour a week. I am so fatigued that I

516
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,559
have to get the kids off to school. I didn't

517
00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:01,759
ask him for help, so he just gets up and

518
00:25:01,759 --> 00:25:04,799
goes to the gym in the morning, and I'm fucking fuming.

519
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:08,640
Mm hm, I am fucking fuming. And I didn't have

520
00:25:08,759 --> 00:25:11,160
I didn't wake up with enough time, which is who's fault,

521
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,200
My fault to do my reality checking eleventh step in

522
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:17,960
the morning, which is prayer meditation right until I get

523
00:25:18,039 --> 00:25:21,359
grounded and get attuned with you know, and to get

524
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:25,960
into that space of gratitude and to reset right because

525
00:25:26,079 --> 00:25:28,319
often how often do most of us wake up with

526
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,599
stink and thinking like and just feeling like, oh my god, Yeah,

527
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,079
today's the day I'm gonna get shanked in the street

528
00:25:34,279 --> 00:25:36,799
by the homeless birds or whatever like that is how

529
00:25:36,839 --> 00:25:39,559
my brain, Literally, that's how my brain. I will get

530
00:25:39,559 --> 00:25:41,759
in the car accident, someone's going to stab me. What

531
00:25:41,799 --> 00:25:43,880
if this happens to my kids, There's a bomb that's

532
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,559
gonna hit out, Like, that's where my fucking brink, even

533
00:25:47,559 --> 00:25:50,480
after all these years. Yeah, my brain often wakes up

534
00:25:50,519 --> 00:25:53,799
like that. And so anyway, and so it just builds,

535
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,839
It builds all morning. We're late for school. I never

536
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,839
get to the prayer and meditation, and I get in

537
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:03,279
my car and thank god, I just I had this

538
00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:08,359
moment where I was like, Okay, I literally can't pray

539
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,799
right now and I literally can't surrender. So I'm just

540
00:26:11,839 --> 00:26:14,839
gonna start calling my sponsors. And on the way to work,

541
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:18,519
I called three women in the program that needed help.

542
00:26:19,079 --> 00:26:22,079
Sometimes I just call my dad. Do I like listening

543
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,039
to my seventy four year old father on the phone

544
00:26:24,079 --> 00:26:26,680
for thirty minutes at a time talking about the same

545
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,640
thing that he talks about every single time. No, but

546
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:34,240
I do that because it's being kind to him. And

547
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:38,039
this weird thing happens when I'm focused all of a

548
00:26:38,039 --> 00:26:40,960
sudden on supporting and helping other people, is my brain

549
00:26:41,039 --> 00:26:44,720
starts to get really quiet, and like the joy starts

550
00:26:44,759 --> 00:26:48,200
to return, and I feel you said you deal with insecurity.

551
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,759
I feel more confident because I just did something good

552
00:26:50,759 --> 00:26:54,440
for somebody. My brain starts to get a little bit softer,

553
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,640
and like, then I can, you know, do more?

554
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,759
Speaker 1: Okay, So you touched on something that I want to

555
00:26:59,759 --> 00:27:02,119
talk about because you said I need to get into service.

556
00:27:02,279 --> 00:27:04,799
So I'm dealing right now with the shame of not

557
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:10,640
being fully sober like I did mushrooms, I've done like

558
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,440
low dose edibles. I'm not fully sober right now. So

559
00:27:13,599 --> 00:27:15,559
there's a lot of shame that comes with I think,

560
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:19,160
working the program and then not being in the program.

561
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,440
And I don't know how to be of service when

562
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:25,079
I'm still kind when I'm like trying to circumvent that shame.

563
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,799
Does that make sense? I'm like, how do I I

564
00:27:26,799 --> 00:27:29,039
don't want to show up and lie, I don't want

565
00:27:29,079 --> 00:27:30,759
to talk to people and act like I'm in a

566
00:27:30,799 --> 00:27:33,680
place that I'm not in. So how do I yeah,

567
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,440
how do I do you mean being of service in

568
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,400
like a strictly program related way or in just like

569
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:39,920
I mean, like.

570
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,160
Speaker 3: That's what works for me. I speak at at least

571
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,799
a meeting a week. I have at least three girls

572
00:27:44,799 --> 00:27:46,759
in the book at any given time, if done four,

573
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:50,079
and like that's what I do. But I think just

574
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:54,359
like going and like whatever, Okay, get rid of just

575
00:27:54,799 --> 00:27:57,519
get rid of all the stuff that I said about

576
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:03,519
recovery groups. Yeah, and if you go to any major religion,

577
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:08,839
they're gonna tell you the same thing. Prayer, meditation, get

578
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,279
rid of selfishness or the ego, and be of service

579
00:28:12,319 --> 00:28:15,640
to other people. It is every major religion out there

580
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,880
that tells you the literally how to be happy. Yeah.

581
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:24,480
It is human beings that complicate this thing, right, And

582
00:28:24,559 --> 00:28:26,400
so what I will tell you is I don't fucking

583
00:28:26,519 --> 00:28:29,599
care what you do. I just need you to find something.

584
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,480
Speaker 4: She's like to stop telling me, I'm just gonna I.

585
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,880
Speaker 3: Just need you to find something, because I'll tell you

586
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:40,200
like that's when. So right after my divorce or right

587
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,720
after my separation, I got into a relationship with this

588
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,400
guy who looking.

589
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,759
Speaker 1: Back kindsight twenty.

590
00:28:49,119 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 3: That was so sick. Yeah, so said yeah, and I

591
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,680
couldn't see it. And he totally like love bombed me,

592
00:28:59,799 --> 00:29:05,359
like narcissistic traits, like fucking total sex attic was cheating

593
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:07,799
on me through the whole relationship. And I was just like, no,

594
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:10,359
I love it, I need you. It's okay, And I'm

595
00:29:10,359 --> 00:29:12,519
just gonna be more sexy and more perfect than I'm

596
00:29:12,519 --> 00:29:15,480
gonna push you even harder and I'm gonna you know,

597
00:29:15,599 --> 00:29:19,359
live in this fantasy land or whatever. And like, it's

598
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,799
interesting because you talked about how all of this stuff

599
00:29:21,839 --> 00:29:23,599
is coming up for you because you're in a relationship. Well,

600
00:29:23,599 --> 00:29:25,480
that was the same thing. I had been doing tons

601
00:29:25,519 --> 00:29:28,599
of work and all of this stuff was coming up

602
00:29:28,599 --> 00:29:30,759
in this relationship. The difference is that I was my

603
00:29:31,039 --> 00:29:33,920
I knew it, and I walked from the relationship, thank god,

604
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,720
Like when all of this came out, I made the

605
00:29:36,759 --> 00:29:39,519
decision to walk and to go no contact and to

606
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,880
like move on and to you know, work and heel

607
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:46,480
around it. So thank God. But I just I just

608
00:29:46,599 --> 00:29:50,119
also want to say that I think it's fucking normal, yeah,

609
00:29:50,599 --> 00:29:53,400
for you to have gone a little cuckoo for cocoa

610
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,200
pups right now, Like it's okay. Yeah, that's the other

611
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,839
thing too. We're too hard on ourselves. And I think

612
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:02,359
that this is where like communication is key. It's like, hey,

613
00:30:02,599 --> 00:30:08,039
and I noticed that. No, I noticed this thing, this hair.

614
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,000
I was trying to remember the example. I noticed the

615
00:30:10,119 --> 00:30:12,680
hair in your apartment and.

616
00:30:13,079 --> 00:30:14,759
Speaker 1: Wrapped around the shower handle.

617
00:30:15,359 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 2: I was like, who is she? I was like that,

618
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:20,400
I have heard that.

619
00:30:20,599 --> 00:30:22,839
Speaker 3: Ye been really difficult for me.

620
00:30:23,119 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, especially because I was with him. I went

621
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,000
away for a weekend, I came back, it was wrapped

622
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,279
around the shower handle. His apartment is very dirty. So

623
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:34,519
I do believe him, like you know, sometimes do when

624
00:30:34,559 --> 00:30:36,720
you have that gut feeling like something's really wrong.

625
00:30:37,519 --> 00:30:38,119
Speaker 2: I didn't have that.

626
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:40,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I've always had that, and it's actually been wrong.

627
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:42,519
And then I've had times where I'm like, everything's fine.

628
00:30:42,519 --> 00:30:44,960
It's actually been fine, but okay, So I don't want

629
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:49,440
to say no, well, here's the thing. You're powerless even

630
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,319
if it was and like if the thing that is

631
00:30:52,319 --> 00:30:55,920
your biggest fear ends up happening, then like that's not

632
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,720
the relationship for you to be in any way. Anyway,

633
00:30:59,079 --> 00:31:01,319
I'll I'll tell you is like one of the things

634
00:31:01,319 --> 00:31:06,039
that's become abundantly clear to me more so in my work,

635
00:31:06,079 --> 00:31:09,640
and like sex and love addiction, is that like I

636
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:13,519
am truly solely responsible for my side of the street.

637
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:14,519
That's it.

638
00:31:14,799 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 2: That's it.

639
00:31:15,279 --> 00:31:19,480
Speaker 3: I am responsible for showing up as the best healed

640
00:31:19,559 --> 00:31:22,559
version of me. I'm responsible for doing the things that

641
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,799
keep me that way. I'm responsible for communicating in a

642
00:31:25,799 --> 00:31:30,519
way that's effective, that's clear, that's kind, right, that's respectful.

643
00:31:31,559 --> 00:31:36,680
And I'm responsible for myself and knowing when to walk

644
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:41,079
and when to leave. That's what. That's I am not

645
00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:46,319
responsible for him remaining faithful I am or her. I'm

646
00:31:46,359 --> 00:31:53,599
not responsible for the way that they communicate. I am

647
00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,400
responsible for going, Hey, the way that this person communicates

648
00:31:56,559 --> 00:31:59,240
is not working for me, and so I need to

649
00:31:59,319 --> 00:32:02,680
either polite, move on, or communicate that that's not working

650
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,240
for me. And then it's that person's responsibility to decide

651
00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:06,920
to change or not.

652
00:32:07,279 --> 00:32:10,119
Speaker 1: But then this is where my people please, their defect

653
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,880
comes in, because my people please are defect. What it

654
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,319
did to me in my first marriage was that anytime

655
00:32:15,319 --> 00:32:16,960
something was wrong, I just wouldn't say anything, and I

656
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,400
would push it, push it down until it turned into

657
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,640
a divorce. Yeah, literally, but I just never said anything,

658
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:25,440
so he didn't know my needs weren't being met. And

659
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,240
that is my default still because I would so much

660
00:32:28,319 --> 00:32:30,480
rather my partner be happy than me be happy.

661
00:32:31,039 --> 00:32:33,559
Speaker 2: And that's really challenging.

662
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:35,440
Speaker 3: Him to love addiction and code Budtzi.

663
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,279
Speaker 1: I know, but it's really this relationship is really confronting

664
00:32:38,279 --> 00:32:40,960
for me because he's very sensitive to my energy. He

665
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,319
knows immediately when something's wrong, and if I try and

666
00:32:43,359 --> 00:32:46,160
say it's not, he literally is just like, what's wrong,

667
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:46,599
what's wrong?

668
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:47,039
Speaker 2: What's wrong?

669
00:32:47,119 --> 00:32:48,839
Speaker 1: Until we talk about it. And then by the time

670
00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,000
I talk about it, I have bigger feelings than I

671
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:52,599
would have had if I would have just talked about

672
00:32:52,599 --> 00:32:56,799
it right when it happened. And he literally told me

673
00:32:56,839 --> 00:32:58,359
the other day He's like, you need to be a

674
00:32:58,359 --> 00:32:59,880
better communicator, and I was.

675
00:32:59,839 --> 00:33:04,119
Speaker 3: Like, so, what's your commitment to healing the maladaptive behavior.

676
00:33:06,279 --> 00:33:07,519
Speaker 2: None. I'm gonna keep going.

677
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 4: I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep bringing the fucking you.

678
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:15,839
Speaker 3: Yeah, then you can keep expecting them crazy and like

679
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,079
that's the thing that you you said, like, oh, I'm

680
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,759
so afraid of this relationship ending. But your fear. Your

681
00:33:21,799 --> 00:33:25,920
subconscious fear is a self fulfilling prophecy. So like you

682
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,359
can have a fear of losing this thing, and then

683
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:34,279
subconsciously you will do everything to lose that thing, and yeah,

684
00:33:34,319 --> 00:33:37,319
it will act out in real time. And so a

685
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,240
pattern of behavior that's coming up for you is the

686
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:43,759
people pleasing behavior. You've done plenty of writing and work

687
00:33:43,839 --> 00:33:48,480
on this, right, and so it's like a practice literally

688
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:53,119
of mindfulness or meditation, which literally like doesn't mean that

689
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,440
you have to sit there and go, Okay, what do

690
00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:58,400
I need to talk about today? It's like no, it's

691
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,480
just like, oh, hey, something just came up for me,

692
00:34:01,519 --> 00:34:04,839
I felt that king in my stomach. Usually I don't know.

693
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:11,119
For me, it's a it's like, oh, like I can't

694
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:20,639
crawls up my neck and so like at that moment,

695
00:34:21,039 --> 00:34:24,719
like I'm not saying that that's the moment that you respond,

696
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:27,679
but that's the moment that you clock to go okay,

697
00:34:28,559 --> 00:34:29,079
what is that?

698
00:34:29,599 --> 00:34:29,880
Speaker 4: Okay?

699
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:33,559
Speaker 1: But my problem is the moment it happens, my energy changes,

700
00:34:33,679 --> 00:34:35,800
he feels it. I don't have the time, And it's

701
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,599
like the restraint of pen and tongue is something that.

702
00:34:38,599 --> 00:34:39,920
Speaker 2: I do try to practice all.

703
00:34:41,119 --> 00:34:43,400
Speaker 1: I really do try and practice it, but if somebody

704
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:45,000
is calling me out in the moment, I'm afraid I

705
00:34:45,039 --> 00:34:45,800
won't articulate it.

706
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:49,800
Speaker 3: Okay, But here's his part because it makes him anxious. Yeah,

707
00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:53,119
all right, so you're not responsible for his response to

708
00:34:53,159 --> 00:34:57,679
your feeling. Right again, you are responsible for your side

709
00:34:57,679 --> 00:34:59,840
of the street. He is responsible for his side of

710
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:03,119
the ste Here's the thing that people don't realize is

711
00:35:03,119 --> 00:35:07,400
that the partners that we attract our mirrors. We are

712
00:35:07,559 --> 00:35:11,519
mirrors for each other. So your weak spots trigger your

713
00:35:11,599 --> 00:35:14,840
spots trigger his weak spots, and vice versa. Right, and

714
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:15,960
they can look different.

715
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:16,760
Speaker 4: Right.

716
00:35:17,639 --> 00:35:20,920
Speaker 3: And so I'm like, for my current partner, Chris, like,

717
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:24,159
it was abundantly clear from the beginning of our relationship

718
00:35:24,199 --> 00:35:28,440
that he has avoidant tendencies. Now, if these weren't things

719
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,320
that he was willing to even look at, I wouldn't.

720
00:35:31,559 --> 00:35:33,719
This is not like a partnership I would be willing

721
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:36,559
to be in. But he clearly said, like, there are

722
00:35:36,599 --> 00:35:38,639
times where I feel like I need to pull back,

723
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:41,159
and I'm like, cool, then you just need to tell me, hey,

724
00:35:41,199 --> 00:35:43,000
I need a little space right now. But then my

725
00:35:43,199 --> 00:35:46,440
responsibility is that I give him the space and self

726
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,880
soothe myself, right, and then when he's ready he needs

727
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:53,519
to come and soothe me on the reciprocate end. Right.

728
00:35:53,639 --> 00:35:57,920
So here you have it. You're not responsible, you're having

729
00:35:58,079 --> 00:36:03,639
an immediate reaction, and if you're willing to share it, great,

730
00:36:04,519 --> 00:36:07,079
and if you need a minute, then you need to

731
00:36:07,119 --> 00:36:09,440
process it, which I always think is best because especially

732
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:12,559
as women, will make a million stories right away, like

733
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,559
Chris going to the gym was this is how it's

734
00:36:15,559 --> 00:36:18,760
always going to be. He doesn't respect when this weekend

735
00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,159
he literally watched my kids all weekend while I was

736
00:36:21,159 --> 00:36:23,800
at a conference, went to Costco, cleaned out the fridge,

737
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:26,519
did all of the laundry. That was without me even asking.

738
00:36:26,599 --> 00:36:29,719
But this is how he's always gonna be him.

739
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,400
Speaker 2: God forbid, God forbid.

740
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,000
Speaker 4: He needs to get some stress.

741
00:36:35,199 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 3: And I'm like, he's been gone for an hour and

742
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,320
a half, that little fuck, yeah, what is he doing now?

743
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,760
It's like then God didn't even call him and say like,

744
00:36:44,079 --> 00:36:47,239
is this how it's always going to be? Like you know,

745
00:36:48,599 --> 00:36:51,039
and I would have done that in the past anyway,

746
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:54,360
So you can just say, like, hey, I think it's

747
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:56,840
wonderful that you can like sense a shift in me

748
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:58,920
I think that's actually like a really important thing in

749
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,719
a relationship is that we are that attuned to each

750
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:07,360
other's needs. But sometimes I just need a minute to

751
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,360
pause so that way I can get clear on what

752
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,920
my true feeling is. And I promise I can circle

753
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:16,320
back for you. How would whatever five o'clock be, m

754
00:37:17,199 --> 00:37:20,320
or tomorrow morning at coffee right or whatever.

755
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna clip this and send it to.

756
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:26,960
Speaker 3: And then he has to respect that, yeah, and say

757
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,599
okay that you know, sooner would be better for me?

758
00:37:30,079 --> 00:37:32,039
Speaker 2: Uh. You guys.

759
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:36,280
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760
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761
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764
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782
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783
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786
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787
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788
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789
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793
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794
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795
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796
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798
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799
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811
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812
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813
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814
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815
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816
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817
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818
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819
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:06,440
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820
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821
00:40:08,480 --> 00:40:09,840
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822
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823
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Speaker 3: You know, Chris and I got into a really large

824
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:21,199
argument right after he moved into my place. This was

825
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,239
last March. We'd been together for a little over a year,

826
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:31,039
and that first like a couple of months was there

827
00:40:31,159 --> 00:40:37,639
was like a ton of friction and you know, I

828
00:40:37,719 --> 00:40:41,559
remember I could sense that he was mad at me

829
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,559
and I was mad at him and responds and we

830
00:40:44,559 --> 00:40:46,719
were like kind of tit for tatting over the weekend.

831
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 2: Whatever.

832
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:52,079
Speaker 3: Yeah, nothing bad, nothing yelling, nothing screaming, nothing whatever. But

833
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,000
I said to him, hey, why don't we circle back

834
00:40:56,039 --> 00:40:59,880
and talk about this in three days? And you know what,

835
00:41:00,159 --> 00:41:02,159
all of a sudden, the pressure left the room and

836
00:41:02,199 --> 00:41:04,280
he kissed me on my forehead and gave me a

837
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:06,920
hug and was like, I love that idea. Thank you,

838
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:11,400
you know what I mean, Like, it's okay, We're all

839
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,039
gonna like I think that that's the other thing that

840
00:41:14,079 --> 00:41:16,599
we're training our nervous systems to do is know that

841
00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:19,679
like it's okay to pass. It's okay if it's a day,

842
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:23,079
two days, three days where we circle back to a

843
00:41:23,119 --> 00:41:27,880
conversation and the commitment that we're making to ourselves and

844
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,760
to our partner is that we're gonna do that. And

845
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:32,400
I knew he wasn't going to bring it up. So

846
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,440
guess what. Three days later, I said, I would like

847
00:41:34,519 --> 00:41:37,760
to circle back to the conversation that we were having

848
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:41,719
whatever on Thursday night. You know, let's do it.

849
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:46,599
Speaker 2: I love that you're just so wise. I'm just such

850
00:41:46,639 --> 00:41:47,719
a wise.

851
00:41:47,519 --> 00:41:51,840
Speaker 3: H I don't know. Life. Life's really uh forced me,

852
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,119
yeah to grown.

853
00:41:57,119 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 1: You got your teeth kicked in pretty young.

854
00:41:59,480 --> 00:42:02,000
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah for a while.

855
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:06,519
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know what, honestly like no regrets, like

856
00:42:06,639 --> 00:42:10,079
I don't. I truly wouldn't change a thing.

857
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:14,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, I remember this is so when I was, you know,

858
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:17,519
living in Wisconsin, I watched your show a little bit,

859
00:42:18,119 --> 00:42:19,760
a little bit of it, caught a little bit of it,

860
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,119
and I remember just thinking you were so hot and cool.

861
00:42:22,199 --> 00:42:23,719
And then I moved to LA and right when I

862
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,199
moved to LA, I remember seeing, uh, and we can

863
00:42:26,199 --> 00:42:27,440
cut this if you want to. It doesn't have to

864
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:30,719
stay in a notification that you got arrested for heroin.

865
00:42:31,119 --> 00:42:31,440
Speaker 2: Uh huh.

866
00:42:31,599 --> 00:42:36,519
Speaker 4: And I was like, no, I don't even I wouldn't

867
00:42:36,519 --> 00:42:37,800
even know where to find heroin.

868
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:39,280
Speaker 2: I was like, how'd she get it?

869
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:39,519
Speaker 1: Where?

870
00:42:39,639 --> 00:42:40,159
Speaker 4: My gully?

871
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,519
Speaker 1: But I remember being deeply sad because I think I

872
00:42:43,559 --> 00:42:45,920
saw this version of you on TV, and obviously TV's

873
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,519
a lie and none of it's real, but I just

874
00:42:47,559 --> 00:42:50,800
remember thinking, like you were you were also on drugs then,

875
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,840
but I thought you seemed really fucking cool. But like,

876
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:56,360
what was that that journey like for you? Because that's

877
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:59,119
I mean that's young. You were doing some like hardship

878
00:42:59,199 --> 00:42:59,679
pretty young.

879
00:42:59,719 --> 00:43:00,679
Speaker 2: How did you get there?

880
00:43:02,199 --> 00:43:05,159
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it was just purely survival. Like that's

881
00:43:05,159 --> 00:43:09,280
the thing. It's like I've I've given you, guys, bits

882
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:13,320
and pieces of my solution that like keep me sane

883
00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:17,480
and calm and happy, yeah, and like living a good life,

884
00:43:17,559 --> 00:43:22,440
you know, but prior to like finding that, you know.

885
00:43:22,599 --> 00:43:26,000
And it's like the last almost fifteen years of my

886
00:43:26,199 --> 00:43:30,519
recovery journey have been like piecing together the things that work.

887
00:43:30,599 --> 00:43:34,559
Like I'm a huge proponent of internal family, but back

888
00:43:34,559 --> 00:43:39,599
then it was just hair Like that's literally a huge

889
00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:43,519
and for some people, I am like I get it.

890
00:43:43,559 --> 00:43:46,000
Like people see these people on the streets with like

891
00:43:46,039 --> 00:43:48,400
that are like knotted over on trank and stuff, and

892
00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:51,559
I'm like, no, I I actually understand why they do that,

893
00:43:51,639 --> 00:43:55,360
because I like to ride that line just above dead

894
00:43:55,639 --> 00:43:59,320
like if if they're checking my pulse, I'm happy, Like

895
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:03,239
that's where I should be, you know, because the thought

896
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:09,039
or the desire to like exist with you and to

897
00:44:09,079 --> 00:44:13,360
have conversations like this was non existent, right Like I

898
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:17,679
had no there was times in my life where I

899
00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:20,679
felt motivated to try to change. I just never wanted

900
00:44:20,679 --> 00:44:23,519
to do was actually required of me. Like I say

901
00:44:23,559 --> 00:44:28,679
all the time, I was totally desperate and completely unwilling

902
00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:32,599
to do what it actually took until I was literally

903
00:44:32,639 --> 00:44:34,559
mandated by the courts to do it. Mm hmm.

904
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:36,679
Speaker 1: Okay, so you were forrest. You didn't have like a

905
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:38,119
come to Jesus, you were forrest.

906
00:44:38,679 --> 00:44:41,000
Speaker 3: No, there's plenty of come to Jesus is along the

907
00:44:41,039 --> 00:44:43,360
way where I was, like, the biggest one of which

908
00:44:43,519 --> 00:44:47,840
was and I love this man. He died of addiction,

909
00:44:49,239 --> 00:44:51,519
but he was like a local La rapper. His name

910
00:44:51,559 --> 00:44:54,719
was cadillac Ron Robert. I'm still friends with his brother,

911
00:44:54,719 --> 00:44:57,239
who's an amazing therapist owns a program up in the

912
00:44:57,239 --> 00:45:01,480
Pacific Northwest. His name is Chris Paulson. But Robert Paulson

913
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:07,559
like checked my ass so hard that I finally realized, like, oh,

914
00:45:07,679 --> 00:45:10,079
it's not the drugs, it's not the abuse, it's not

915
00:45:10,199 --> 00:45:12,679
the parents, it's not the this, it's not the felonies.

916
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:15,840
It's me, Like I'm the problem, you know, like hello,

917
00:45:16,519 --> 00:45:20,360
and like so there was moments along the way, but

918
00:45:20,519 --> 00:45:24,519
I was not going to stop until I was either institutionalized,

919
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:29,719
you know, placed in jail, or dead, you know. And

920
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:36,440
that was fine with me, right, and that worked and

921
00:45:36,519 --> 00:45:39,320
until it didn't, and then you know, just by the

922
00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,239
grace of God, like I was arrested again.

923
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:45,079
Speaker 1: Okay, So my question is because there's been a lot

924
00:45:45,079 --> 00:45:47,159
of talk about God and a lot of people like

925
00:45:47,559 --> 00:45:51,199
recoil at God. And I remember when I first went

926
00:45:51,239 --> 00:45:53,440
into the program, I was one of those people that

927
00:45:53,519 --> 00:45:54,400
recoiled at it.

928
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:56,360
Speaker 2: I finally, I remember.

929
00:45:56,039 --> 00:45:58,519
Speaker 1: My first sponsor just said, if you can't wrap your

930
00:45:58,519 --> 00:46:01,039
head around it, just find something that makes you believe

931
00:46:01,039 --> 00:46:03,840
in something bigger, like a lily or your dog or

932
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:07,199
just anything. And that sort of like that helped me

933
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,920
get there. But what do you say to people who

934
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:13,480
don't believe, won't believe, can't believe. Is there a way

935
00:46:13,519 --> 00:46:15,599
to find peace and serenity without God?

936
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:20,800
Speaker 3: Well, I can tell you this that like, like I

937
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:24,920
don't believe in like major organized religion, so like I

938
00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:28,320
understand people's resistance m hm. And like when I first

939
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:30,000
got sober, I was like, if there is a God,

940
00:46:30,039 --> 00:46:32,000
then like I wouldn't have been sexually abused when I

941
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:34,639
was four and throughout my whole childhood, and I wouldn't

942
00:46:34,679 --> 00:46:37,639
have been brought into this world by alcoholic parents, and

943
00:46:37,679 --> 00:46:40,800
I wouldn't, you know, all of the reasons that I

944
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:45,480
was looking. And I think that like the reality of

945
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:48,400
the situation for me is that my circumstances were so

946
00:46:48,519 --> 00:46:51,960
desperate that I was kind of forced to try something new.

947
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:55,920
And so if you're like in this place where you've

948
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:58,519
tried therapy, you've tried self help, you've tried the writing,

949
00:46:58,519 --> 00:47:01,079
you've tried, the yoga retreats, you've tried, you've tried, you've tried,

950
00:47:01,159 --> 00:47:04,400
or you've tried, and like your patterns and relationships and

951
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:07,159
your patterns with substance, and your patterns with shopping, and

952
00:47:07,199 --> 00:47:11,440
your patterns with sex or gaming or whatever or gambling,

953
00:47:12,159 --> 00:47:15,440
whatever it might be, keep coming up over and over again,

954
00:47:15,480 --> 00:47:17,280
and you don't seem to be able to fix them.

955
00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:19,960
Then like in my experience, the only thing that's going

956
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,360
to provide you relief is a spiritual experience. And so

957
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:25,360
like I'm not here to actually tell anybody that they

958
00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:27,960
have to find a God right right right, Like I

959
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:30,599
don't fucking care. You can like stay on your path,

960
00:47:30,679 --> 00:47:33,159
Like that's cool with me totally for me, Like I

961
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:38,159
really I more so align predominantly with like Buddhist thought

962
00:47:38,239 --> 00:47:41,199
and teaching. I read a lot of that, I consume

963
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:43,840
a lot of that. I believe I'm an avid meditator,

964
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:45,480
and I believe in a lot of the teachings and

965
00:47:45,559 --> 00:47:49,800
wisdom that comes through that philosophy. But I also believe

966
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:52,639
that there is something out there and that we return

967
00:47:52,760 --> 00:47:56,079
to something. Yeah, and that's really so I guess the

968
00:47:56,079 --> 00:47:59,519
bottom line for me is like, on your own willpower,

969
00:47:59,679 --> 00:48:02,639
if you can be happy, if you can be successful,

970
00:48:02,639 --> 00:48:05,559
if you can maintain a job, if you can be

971
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:10,599
have a healthy relationships with drugs, alcohol, you know, people, sex, money,

972
00:48:10,599 --> 00:48:13,519
you know, whatever it is, on your own willpower and

973
00:48:13,559 --> 00:48:16,320
you don't have issues, that then great. But if you

974
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:19,960
can't do it on your own willpower, then welcome to

975
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:23,360
the club, and maybe I might have a solution for you. Yeah,

976
00:48:23,440 --> 00:48:26,360
I'll also say that like my trajectory, Like I didn't

977
00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:29,599
have this like profound Like it wasn't until like my

978
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,239
third time going around the steps, when I was so

979
00:48:33,719 --> 00:48:38,320
in such desperate condition, like post my divorce, that I

980
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,760
redid a third step, that I had a profound spiritual

981
00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:44,280
experience that broke, like as any experience that I've had

982
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:49,400
doing shrooms, you know, acid any like that my first

983
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:53,519
two and like like I'm of the learning variety, Like

984
00:48:53,679 --> 00:48:57,280
I go out assert my will, get knocked over the

985
00:48:57,360 --> 00:48:59,800
head and realize that I should have brought God in,

986
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:01,519
and then I bring God in a little bit more,

987
00:49:01,559 --> 00:49:06,639
and like the miracles just unfold, Like my the fact

988
00:49:06,679 --> 00:49:10,480
that I'm sober, that I'm gainfully employed, that I have

989
00:49:10,519 --> 00:49:14,199
a savings account for oh one k, like my rent

990
00:49:14,280 --> 00:49:16,760
is paid on time every month, that I own my car,

991
00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:19,880
that I'm like a mom to two kids that are

992
00:49:20,119 --> 00:49:22,199
at school on time and picked up on time and

993
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:24,400
have their homework and they're fed and all that's not

994
00:49:24,599 --> 00:49:27,519
me mm hmm personally.

995
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:30,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's God working through you.

996
00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:33,400
Speaker 3: Yeah. And like every time that I think that I've

997
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:36,280
had some like major problem, like you know, if I

998
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:38,960
had inserted my will, I know that I would have

999
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:41,280
fucked myself. But if I had just done what God

1000
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:44,400
told me to do, you know what I mean, Like

1001
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:47,599
you've you've experienced that in your time working with me,

1002
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:50,119
where you're just you're hitting the roadblocks and I'm like,

1003
00:49:50,840 --> 00:49:53,639
God's showing you. But you can keep powering through, girlfriend,

1004
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:57,480
like as long as you want, you know, or you

1005
00:49:57,519 --> 00:49:58,639
can just like let.

1006
00:49:58,599 --> 00:50:01,159
Speaker 2: Go, yeah, like going like God.

1007
00:50:01,599 --> 00:50:05,400
Speaker 1: I think my my AHA moment with it was I

1008
00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:07,719
couldn't like when the first time I worked the steps

1009
00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:09,360
I was I got through one, two, three, and I

1010
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,400
was just like the yeah, yeah, yeah, steps. I'm like whatever,

1011
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:15,400
I can't give these too much because you know, the

1012
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,079
God thing was really throwing me off. But when you

1013
00:50:17,119 --> 00:50:20,480
get to four. Four's homework, right, that's homework, that's writing,

1014
00:50:20,519 --> 00:50:22,239
I'm like, I can do that. And I remember I

1015
00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:24,880
was doing my homework. I was doing my fourth step,

1016
00:50:24,880 --> 00:50:27,519
and I was sitting in my place at the time,

1017
00:50:27,559 --> 00:50:30,599
was in Venice Beach, really busy in the windows faced

1018
00:50:30,679 --> 00:50:35,760
the boardwalk, and Biggie would always go crazy anytime anyone

1019
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:38,800
walked by, and I just watched him go crazy. I

1020
00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:41,000
just you know, I was sitting there writing, he's going crazy,

1021
00:50:42,239 --> 00:50:43,920
and I thought to myself, I'm like, you can go

1022
00:50:43,960 --> 00:50:45,599
crazy if you want, but you're safe.

1023
00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:48,840
Speaker 2: And then I was like, wait a minute, if.

1024
00:50:48,639 --> 00:50:51,639
Speaker 1: You zoom out, that is how my higher power is

1025
00:50:51,679 --> 00:50:54,199
looking at me, Like when I'm in traffic flipping someone off,

1026
00:50:54,199 --> 00:50:56,599
when I'm trying to orchestrate things to make you know,

1027
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:59,800
like when I'm acting like Biggie's acting to this person

1028
00:50:59,800 --> 00:51:02,840
who was causing him no harm and never will. I

1029
00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:04,880
was like, yeah, there's no way that I'm the highest

1030
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:06,840
chain of intelligence because I'm not that smart.

1031
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:09,440
Speaker 2: I love that. Yeah, So that.

1032
00:51:09,559 --> 00:51:11,880
Speaker 1: Was kind of my moment with it, and and I

1033
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:13,760
never had to you know, I grew up Catholic, so

1034
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:18,360
I had like this big, condemning, judgmental God who like

1035
00:51:18,519 --> 00:51:19,599
was watching me masturbate.

1036
00:51:19,639 --> 00:51:20,480
Speaker 4: And I didn't like that.

1037
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:22,360
Speaker 2: You know, I was like, I don't want an audience.

1038
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:26,760
Speaker 1: But for for so long I was treated so cruel

1039
00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:28,639
by the kids in Catholic school because my parents were

1040
00:51:28,639 --> 00:51:30,639
getting divorced and there was all this like a lot

1041
00:51:30,639 --> 00:51:32,519
of shame and a lot of stigma around God. And

1042
00:51:32,559 --> 00:51:36,840
my God now is just is just peaceful. He doesn't

1043
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:38,320
even have a face, He's just there.

1044
00:51:38,639 --> 00:51:41,840
Speaker 3: God doesn't I when I explained it to people who,

1045
00:51:41,880 --> 00:51:45,119
like you don't have any conception of God. I'm like, okay,

1046
00:51:45,119 --> 00:51:47,199
what is the thing that proves that you're a human.

1047
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,000
That you have a heartbeat?

1048
00:51:49,079 --> 00:51:49,239
Speaker 5: Right?

1049
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:56,480
Speaker 3: Okay, so you imagine like the heart beat ticking ticking, ticking, right,

1050
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:58,280
if you were in the hospital, it was on the machine,

1051
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:01,079
you can see it. Okay, I just met God. Is

1052
00:52:01,079 --> 00:52:05,360
this infinite source of energy that's expansive in any and

1053
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:12,280
all directions, and like each human literally they've scientifically proven

1054
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:14,320
this that like the chance of you coming down here

1055
00:52:14,320 --> 00:52:17,639
and having an experience is like less than point one percent. Right,

1056
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:22,159
So here's these humans that just drop down for a minute, right,

1057
00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:26,119
we are like, here's God, this ever expansive energy on

1058
00:52:26,199 --> 00:52:29,760
either side that's always going, and like we're just this

1059
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:33,039
little blip. And what happens. It's interesting because when we

1060
00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:35,440
come all the way down and we're babies and we

1061
00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:38,079
work our way back up to God, we just forget

1062
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,920
that we're a part of this. Yes, And then what

1063
00:52:42,039 --> 00:52:47,159
happens if you have a practice of mindfulness and you know,

1064
00:52:47,519 --> 00:52:49,360
you live a peaceful life, and you live life on

1065
00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:52,039
life's terms and you let God or life teach you,

1066
00:52:52,559 --> 00:52:55,800
is that you ascend in your consciousness closer and closer

1067
00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:58,599
to this thing, and then eventually you go back to it.

1068
00:52:58,599 --> 00:53:01,880
It's that fucking simple. You have a consciousness. Yeah, it's

1069
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:02,679
a part of something.

1070
00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:05,119
Speaker 1: Have you read a Journey of Souls?

1071
00:53:05,239 --> 00:53:05,360
Speaker 5: Now?

1072
00:53:08,119 --> 00:53:11,719
Speaker 2: You have to read it. It's so special. It's so special.

1073
00:53:12,199 --> 00:53:16,519
Speaker 1: So this doctor, he's a PhD hypnotherapist, and he started

1074
00:53:16,559 --> 00:53:21,159
doing hypnotherapy on people with PTSD and trauma who would

1075
00:53:21,199 --> 00:53:24,119
come in with issues that they couldn't resolve going to

1076
00:53:24,159 --> 00:53:26,159
a regular doctor. Like someone would come in with like

1077
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:29,719
immense pain in their back, and every like every doctor

1078
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:32,519
didn't know what it was, or they had trauma when

1079
00:53:32,559 --> 00:53:34,280
they were younger, but they can't quite remember it. So

1080
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:37,280
he would use hypnosis to go back to figure out

1081
00:53:37,320 --> 00:53:40,480
what happened. And when he started doing this hypnosis and

1082
00:53:40,599 --> 00:53:47,920
doing regression therapy, he realized he could go back beyond birth.

1083
00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:50,599
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I've done I've done full blown plastor.

1084
00:53:50,719 --> 00:53:54,280
Speaker 1: So he could go beyond when they were born into

1085
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:55,440
their past lives.

1086
00:53:55,760 --> 00:53:56,360
Speaker 2: And so.

1087
00:53:58,039 --> 00:54:01,280
Speaker 1: It was unanimous. He's done it hundreds, maybe thousands of times.

1088
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:06,079
Now that everyone says the experience after death is everyone

1089
00:54:06,079 --> 00:54:10,599
says the same thing. It is a return to this

1090
00:54:11,599 --> 00:54:16,079
really bright, like beyond any light you've ever seen, bright, peaceful, harmonious.

1091
00:54:16,119 --> 00:54:18,599
It kind of sounds like a tuning fork, and you

1092
00:54:18,719 --> 00:54:22,320
go back and you do your It depends on what

1093
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:25,159
level your soul is at. But if you're like a

1094
00:54:25,599 --> 00:54:28,440
beginner to an intermediate soul, you're greeted by family, like

1095
00:54:28,519 --> 00:54:31,119
friends and family will come get you and they take

1096
00:54:31,119 --> 00:54:32,519
you to where you go and then you look at

1097
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:33,039
your life and.

1098
00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:35,840
Speaker 4: It's not like this shameful like how did you do?

1099
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:38,000
Speaker 1: It's more of like did you learn the lessons that

1100
00:54:38,039 --> 00:54:39,280
you went down there to learn?

1101
00:54:39,880 --> 00:54:42,480
Speaker 2: And then you know, the more.

1102
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,880
Speaker 1: Advanced souls they don't get greeted because they just go back,

1103
00:54:45,400 --> 00:54:47,719
but like you do get to a point. The point

1104
00:54:47,719 --> 00:54:49,079
of the book is you get to a point where

1105
00:54:49,079 --> 00:54:51,480
you don't have to reincarnate anymore. But it takes so

1106
00:54:51,679 --> 00:54:55,920
much reincarnating to learn the lessons that your soul needs

1107
00:54:55,920 --> 00:54:59,239
to learn. Absolutely, But I think it's just it's a

1108
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:03,400
fascinating thing that all of these people have said the

1109
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:05,159
exact same thing. It's like, you don't have to believe

1110
00:55:05,159 --> 00:55:07,800
in God, but there's something really really big when you

1111
00:55:07,880 --> 00:55:10,360
leave here, and there's so many people that believe it's

1112
00:55:10,400 --> 00:55:12,880
just lights out, and I wonder, you know, I wonder

1113
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:15,239
if that's just a belief out of fear.

1114
00:55:15,840 --> 00:55:21,039
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know what to call it. I mean,

1115
00:55:21,039 --> 00:55:25,679
my grandpa died in February, and he was like a

1116
00:55:25,719 --> 00:55:29,159
father to me, Like he was the only male kind

1117
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:32,320
of presence in my life that provided me with any

1118
00:55:32,519 --> 00:55:36,519
sort of kind of safety or stability. I guess, like

1119
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:39,480
when I went to his house in Wisconsin in the summers,

1120
00:55:40,159 --> 00:55:42,800
that's where I would feel safe, you know, and like

1121
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:45,000
my nervous system. It's interesting because every time I go

1122
00:55:45,039 --> 00:55:48,039
back to Wisconsin, it's like my nervous system just like I'm.

1123
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:49,760
Speaker 2: Like, Okay, you and I couldn't be more different.

1124
00:55:51,039 --> 00:55:54,760
Speaker 3: But it's because of my childhood right out here in California.

1125
00:55:54,840 --> 00:55:57,000
It was child And then when I go back there,

1126
00:55:57,079 --> 00:56:03,559
I was like, oh, okay, you know, and so uh,

1127
00:56:03,599 --> 00:56:07,599
this man who who was very logical, who didn't believe

1128
00:56:07,599 --> 00:56:11,440
in God. He was agnostic, and he was a professor,

1129
00:56:11,599 --> 00:56:14,519
and he was mister moneyman, and he was as he

1130
00:56:15,639 --> 00:56:19,400
began to slowly deteriorate over the course of a few

1131
00:56:19,480 --> 00:56:24,960
years and soften and open and whatever. Like I know

1132
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,679
that like if you would have asked George Huber ten

1133
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,360
years prior if he believed in a god, he would

1134
00:56:31,440 --> 00:56:36,760
say fucking movely not. But George Huber, who's inching closer

1135
00:56:36,800 --> 00:56:40,440
and closer towards death, who's having moments in and out

1136
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:43,039
of consciousness, who's absolutely.

1137
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:46,400
Speaker 2: Did Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean it's.

1138
00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:50,800
Speaker 3: Just also that's the thing too. It's like again, like

1139
00:56:51,039 --> 00:56:54,239
I'm not for everybody, and like my, you know what

1140
00:56:54,239 --> 00:56:57,800
I mean, Like my, I'm not here to tell like

1141
00:56:58,639 --> 00:57:01,519
I think I spent a lot of time in my

1142
00:57:01,679 --> 00:57:06,079
earlier years of recovery thinking that like I needed to

1143
00:57:06,119 --> 00:57:08,440
be the director of everybody's show and like they needed

1144
00:57:08,440 --> 00:57:11,679
to get on the Alexis bandwagon and to do exactly

1145
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:15,480
what I'm doing. And like I'm just not in that

1146
00:57:15,519 --> 00:57:18,079
camp anymore. Like if you're even with my sponcyes, like

1147
00:57:18,159 --> 00:57:19,079
I will not call you.

1148
00:57:19,639 --> 00:57:25,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, uh oh, I know.

1149
00:57:23,719 --> 00:57:27,239
Speaker 3: You call me, I'll call you. And then sometimes, like

1150
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:28,599
I told you the other day, I was having a

1151
00:57:28,599 --> 00:57:30,159
really hard day and I was like, Okay, God, who

1152
00:57:30,239 --> 00:57:32,159
do I need to check in with? But like that,

1153
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:36,320
I'm not here to like crack the fucking whip and

1154
00:57:36,440 --> 00:57:38,679
you need to do this thing and you need you

1155
00:57:38,679 --> 00:57:40,519
know what I mean, Like, that's just not I'm like,

1156
00:57:40,599 --> 00:57:44,400
you're either motivated, inspired and along for the journey and

1157
00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:46,199
the ride, and you want my wisdom and you're gonna

1158
00:57:46,199 --> 00:57:49,880
follow my guidance, not because I'm like supposed to be

1159
00:57:49,920 --> 00:57:51,679
your higher power because this is what I did to

1160
00:57:51,719 --> 00:57:52,679
get free, or you're not.

1161
00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:55,599
Speaker 1: But that's what I love about you because you're not

1162
00:57:55,719 --> 00:57:59,199
super hardcore. And I think when I because I and

1163
00:57:59,239 --> 00:58:01,840
I mean that as a compliment, like I feel safe

1164
00:58:02,039 --> 00:58:04,880
telling you when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to

1165
00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:07,519
be doing. And I feel like there's because my experience

1166
00:58:07,559 --> 00:58:10,400
with my first sponsors when I decided to go do ayahuasca,

1167
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:13,239
which was after three years of being fully sober, she

1168
00:58:13,639 --> 00:58:16,199
like laughed in my face and scoffed at me, and

1169
00:58:16,239 --> 00:58:17,360
she's like, well, you're not sober.

1170
00:58:17,480 --> 00:58:19,199
Speaker 2: I'm not sponsoring you. You're not sober.

1171
00:58:19,519 --> 00:58:21,880
Speaker 1: And I remember being so offended because I had done

1172
00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:23,679
so much work and the reason I was going to

1173
00:58:23,719 --> 00:58:27,320
do ayahuasca was to heal something major and profound, which,

1174
00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:29,280
by the way, it did like it was I went

1175
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:31,360
in to heal my mother wound. I'll talk about it

1176
00:58:31,519 --> 00:58:34,280
a different episode because it's too long, but like I

1177
00:58:34,320 --> 00:58:36,599
came out with so much empathy and love for my

1178
00:58:36,639 --> 00:58:38,760
mom that I would have never otherwise had. But because

1179
00:58:38,800 --> 00:58:41,039
she laughed in my face and told me I wasn't sober,

1180
00:58:41,079 --> 00:58:42,320
I was like, well, then whatever, I'm just going to

1181
00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:45,440
start like drinking weed drinks and like enjoying myself if

1182
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:47,760
I'm not sober anyway. And so I think that like

1183
00:58:47,880 --> 00:58:51,480
big reaction kind of kicked up the defiant alcoholic in

1184
00:58:51,519 --> 00:58:53,320
me that was laying dormant.

1185
00:58:53,920 --> 00:58:55,960
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, and I've shared this with you.

1186
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:59,880
Speaker 1: I I don't want to disappoint you, but I'm also like,

1187
00:59:00,159 --> 00:59:03,440
not my mom, I do consider you a friend, and

1188
00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:06,039
I still like really value your guidance and when I'm

1189
00:59:06,039 --> 00:59:09,039
not practicing perfect AA sobriety, I think you're just a

1190
00:59:09,039 --> 00:59:11,800
lot more gentle with me and that I really appreciate

1191
00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:15,440
that because I do have a significant amount of shame

1192
00:59:15,440 --> 00:59:19,639
about not being able to like stick to perfect sobriety. Yeah.

1193
00:59:19,960 --> 00:59:23,320
Speaker 3: My, Like it's interesting because my partner Chris, runs like

1194
00:59:23,360 --> 00:59:27,800
immen's behavioral modification program and like it's all about like

1195
00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:31,199
what is called Like it's like a therapeutic community where

1196
00:59:31,199 --> 00:59:33,960
like they all get called out on on a regular basis,

1197
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:38,400
and like that works for some people, and like there

1198
00:59:38,440 --> 00:59:40,679
are times where like I can hold someone to the

1199
00:59:40,679 --> 00:59:44,119
fire like I have. I'm case managing this young woman

1200
00:59:44,199 --> 00:59:49,159
right now that's a treatment center and you know, and

1201
00:59:49,199 --> 00:59:51,239
like she calls me every single weekend that she wants

1202
00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:53,679
to leave. But I'm like, okay, then what like what

1203
00:59:53,719 --> 00:59:55,280
the fuck are you going to do with you? Like

1204
00:59:55,360 --> 00:59:57,119
there are times where I'm like the what are you

1205
00:59:57,320 --> 00:59:58,719
going to do with your life?

1206
00:59:58,760 --> 00:59:59,360
Speaker 2: Like then what?

1207
00:59:59,639 --> 01:00:03,159
Speaker 3: Then? Then then what? Right? But like I know that

1208
01:00:03,199 --> 01:00:06,159
she wants it, you know what I mean? And like

1209
01:00:06,719 --> 01:00:10,320
I think that just like checking yourself first, Like there

1210
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:12,719
are times you have to just know when to push

1211
01:00:12,719 --> 01:00:15,639
and pull, you know what I mean, Like I know

1212
01:00:15,760 --> 01:00:18,840
that you want this thing, and I also know that,

1213
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:21,119
like you also have to have your own path. Like

1214
01:00:21,199 --> 01:00:24,800
I'm not here to be anybody's to tell anybody what

1215
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:27,519
to do. I'm here to share my experience and to

1216
01:00:27,599 --> 01:00:29,679
tell you know, if you ask, I'm going to give

1217
01:00:29,719 --> 01:00:34,199
you what worked for me. But if you don't, then yeah,

1218
01:00:34,239 --> 01:00:37,280
I don't really I can't be bothered.

1219
01:00:38,199 --> 01:00:38,760
Speaker 2: I don't have to.

1220
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:41,079
Speaker 3: I have a hard enough time managing my own life.

1221
01:00:41,719 --> 01:00:45,719
I can't imagine that managing the life of anybody else.

1222
01:00:45,920 --> 01:00:46,360
Speaker 2: Literally.

1223
01:00:46,920 --> 01:00:53,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, so you brought up earlier the sexual

1224
01:00:53,320 --> 01:00:56,000
assault from when you were younger, and I don't want

1225
01:00:56,000 --> 01:00:58,199
to go into more detail about what happened. I don't

1226
01:00:58,199 --> 01:01:00,519
think it's necessary, but I'm so grateful you brought that

1227
01:01:00,599 --> 01:01:02,880
up because I think it's such an important conversation that

1228
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:06,480
people just aren't having. I think there's so much stigma

1229
01:01:06,559 --> 01:01:12,760
and shame, especially within family dynamics, about that. And I

1230
01:01:13,079 --> 01:01:18,320
my strong belief is that my mom was sexually abused

1231
01:01:18,360 --> 01:01:20,159
as a child, and I think that triggered a lot

1232
01:01:20,199 --> 01:01:25,599
of her mental illness. And I wonder I don't know

1233
01:01:25,599 --> 01:01:27,480
if you've given this any thought. This is more just

1234
01:01:27,519 --> 01:01:30,159
something that I've thought about a lot, Like, what do

1235
01:01:30,199 --> 01:01:33,920
you think the path forward in healing that part of

1236
01:01:33,960 --> 01:01:35,480
our society is.

1237
01:01:35,519 --> 01:01:40,119
Speaker 2: It's such an invasive issue. It's it's I mean, honestly.

1238
01:01:40,119 --> 01:01:41,599
Speaker 3: And girls, it's really everywhere.

1239
01:01:41,719 --> 01:01:42,400
Speaker 2: It's everywhere.

1240
01:01:42,599 --> 01:01:44,360
Speaker 1: It's like if you talk, if you got a room

1241
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:46,440
full of ten people, I bet four to six of

1242
01:01:46,480 --> 01:01:48,519
them would be affected by it. I'm sure there's an

1243
01:01:48,559 --> 01:01:49,440
exact status and that.

1244
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:51,920
Speaker 3: There's perpetrators in every single area that you're in Like

1245
01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:57,199
that's how common it is, Like they're literally everywhere everywhere.

1246
01:01:57,239 --> 01:02:00,239
Speaker 1: But I'm like, how do we fix this problem? No

1247
01:02:00,280 --> 01:02:02,639
one's willing to talk about it, and like what really

1248
01:02:02,679 --> 01:02:05,199
needs to happen is the abusers need to get help

1249
01:02:05,800 --> 01:02:08,239
so they stop abusing. It's like, of course the people

1250
01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:10,679
that are abused also need so much support, but like,

1251
01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:14,079
because this sort of abuse is so frowned upon by

1252
01:02:14,079 --> 01:02:18,639
our society, even though it's happening everywhere pervasively all the time,

1253
01:02:19,159 --> 01:02:21,320
it's so frowned upon that there's I'm like, is there

1254
01:02:21,400 --> 01:02:24,000
even help? Is there a support system for these people?

1255
01:02:24,079 --> 01:02:28,079
Or are we like decades out of even being in

1256
01:02:28,119 --> 01:02:30,840
a place as a society where we're willing to acknowledge

1257
01:02:30,880 --> 01:02:33,320
it enough to have specialists that like work on this

1258
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:35,000
and help like help solve that.

1259
01:02:37,000 --> 01:02:41,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I'm certainly not an expert in this area.

1260
01:02:41,960 --> 01:02:44,679
There's a really wonderful girl I'll connect you to. Her

1261
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:48,400
name is Marley Liss, and she was raped by a

1262
01:02:48,440 --> 01:02:52,639
man up in Canada and she basically went through this

1263
01:02:52,800 --> 01:02:58,880
like reparative restorative justice. He was a Native American male.

1264
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:03,519
I believe in up with the indigenous population, they have

1265
01:03:03,639 --> 01:03:08,239
like their own path, and she decided not to go

1266
01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:11,519
through the traditional justice system where she was seen as

1267
01:03:11,559 --> 01:03:16,199
like a victim, but she wanted to become you know,

1268
01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:20,480
she wanted to overcome this and to ensure that he

1269
01:03:20,559 --> 01:03:23,239
did not cause harm again, and so that I won't

1270
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:28,239
Butcher the amazing works and writings and you know, her

1271
01:03:28,519 --> 01:03:31,400
personal story, but she comes to mind when I think

1272
01:03:31,440 --> 01:03:39,280
about this, I think it all starts with children. Like

1273
01:03:39,400 --> 01:03:41,400
I just think, like, if we're going to change this

1274
01:03:41,599 --> 01:03:46,280
next generation to not create perpetrators, like we'd all have

1275
01:03:46,360 --> 01:03:49,519
to make the decision to stop perpetrating. You know, like

1276
01:03:49,679 --> 01:03:53,400
less than one percent of the male population is our

1277
01:03:53,440 --> 01:03:57,920
actual sociopaths. That's one in every like one hundred men.

1278
01:03:58,360 --> 01:04:00,920
And you're going, yeah, well there's like billions of men,

1279
01:04:01,039 --> 01:04:05,920
but of those, you know that one percent, Like there's different.

1280
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:11,360
You know, there's a sliding scale of sociopathy.

1281
01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:11,239
Speaker 4: You know what I mean.

1282
01:04:11,880 --> 01:04:16,599
Speaker 3: And so I just think that like the world that

1283
01:04:16,639 --> 01:04:23,960
we are operating in, it doesn't matter the culture, like

1284
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:26,800
whether it's here, if it's in India or whatever. It's

1285
01:04:26,840 --> 01:04:32,519
like the conditions that we are operating in don't lead

1286
01:04:32,599 --> 01:04:37,239
to positive outcomes in really any area. But I believe

1287
01:04:37,360 --> 01:04:43,920
that when it comes to incests and sexual assault and

1288
01:04:44,559 --> 01:04:49,239
sexual abuse, I think that education is key. I think

1289
01:04:49,320 --> 01:04:54,679
that healthy find family dynamics are key. I think that

1290
01:04:55,079 --> 01:05:00,199
attentive parenting is key. I think and I think that

1291
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:03,880
just like, yeah, the systems like the more that we

1292
01:05:03,920 --> 01:05:09,039
continue to live in a society of chronically stressed out, overworked, underpaid,

1293
01:05:09,679 --> 01:05:15,119
starving people that are constantly blaming others for their problems

1294
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:18,519
rather than looking at who's actually creating their problems, which

1295
01:05:18,559 --> 01:05:21,960
is like, yeah, you know, we're looking left and right,

1296
01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:25,159
but it's really up and down right. It's like it's

1297
01:05:25,239 --> 01:05:27,280
just going to continue to happen.

1298
01:05:27,480 --> 01:05:32,639
Speaker 1: It feels really dark, and I just feel like the

1299
01:05:32,679 --> 01:05:35,519
mistreatment of children is what's wrong with the fabric of

1300
01:05:35,559 --> 01:05:38,239
society because we grow up and then we're acting out

1301
01:05:38,280 --> 01:05:40,280
of all of those wounds for the rest of time.

1302
01:05:40,719 --> 01:05:42,960
Speaker 3: It's like we all just if we stopped all like

1303
01:05:43,199 --> 01:05:46,559
literally the DSM five, which is what we use to

1304
01:05:46,599 --> 01:05:50,880
diagnose people with mental illness, it would cease to exist.

1305
01:05:50,920 --> 01:05:55,960
If we just stopped abusing one full generational children, Yeah, literally, yeah,

1306
01:05:56,559 --> 01:05:57,840
it would cease to exist.

1307
01:05:58,079 --> 01:05:59,599
Speaker 2: But it's like the prob would not need it.

1308
01:05:59,599 --> 01:06:02,639
Speaker 1: Anyone the problem is it's all, It's not all. I mean, listen,

1309
01:06:02,679 --> 01:06:04,559
there's a small percentage of people who are just born

1310
01:06:04,639 --> 01:06:05,519
bad and they're back well.

1311
01:06:05,559 --> 01:06:07,880
Speaker 3: But let me just say this again. This you're talking

1312
01:06:07,880 --> 01:06:11,440
about the difference between like epigenetic like genetically, you could

1313
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:15,719
be predisposed bipolar disorder, yes, but you still have to

1314
01:06:15,760 --> 01:06:19,199
have an event that turns on the switch right. No,

1315
01:06:19,239 --> 01:06:23,079
but it's like a big trauma or usage of marijuana

1316
01:06:23,159 --> 01:06:25,199
or whatever, like it's dormant.

1317
01:06:25,480 --> 01:06:26,360
Speaker 2: I understand that.

1318
01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:28,599
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is we would have to have

1319
01:06:28,639 --> 01:06:30,960
a generation of kids and then all the parents would

1320
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:31,440
have to leave.

1321
01:06:32,039 --> 01:06:33,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, mass suicide.

1322
01:06:33,840 --> 01:06:39,199
Speaker 1: I'm all these babies and then all the parents because

1323
01:06:39,199 --> 01:06:42,239
we're still, like you and I are still fucked up,

1324
01:06:42,400 --> 01:06:42,719
you know what.

1325
01:06:43,199 --> 01:06:45,519
Speaker 3: That's the other thing too, is we can't the pendulum

1326
01:06:45,519 --> 01:06:48,719
can't swing that far either, because there's no such thing

1327
01:06:48,719 --> 01:06:50,199
as a perfect parent either.

1328
01:06:50,760 --> 01:06:53,599
Speaker 1: I understandverd that, but what I'm well, listen, we're not

1329
01:06:53,639 --> 01:06:54,840
going to solve the world problems.

1330
01:06:55,599 --> 01:06:57,119
Speaker 2: But I'm just saying it's something that eats.

1331
01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:59,079
Speaker 1: Away at my heart because I just am like, this

1332
01:06:59,159 --> 01:07:01,679
is such a pervasive issue that people refuse to talk about.

1333
01:07:01,719 --> 01:07:04,639
It's rarely talked about in Hollywood. People rarely have a

1334
01:07:04,679 --> 01:07:05,480
touch point where they can.

1335
01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:07,199
Speaker 3: How many people do you think turned off the episode

1336
01:07:07,199 --> 01:07:09,119
the second I said that, Sorry.

1337
01:07:08,960 --> 01:07:09,639
Speaker 2: No, it's okay.

1338
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:12,519
Speaker 3: I mean, honestly, just because the truth you want to

1339
01:07:12,519 --> 01:07:15,559
know where my sex and love issues came from. It's like, thanks, Nick,

1340
01:07:15,679 --> 01:07:19,159
but it is literally apreh you buddy.

1341
01:07:19,239 --> 01:07:19,559
Speaker 2: Thanks.

1342
01:07:20,159 --> 01:07:21,639
Speaker 3: Can you send me a check for all of the

1343
01:07:21,719 --> 01:07:24,480
years of therapy and out now? Yeah, I've forgiven you.

1344
01:07:26,239 --> 01:07:29,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, No, I don't know. I think it just

1345
01:07:29,599 --> 01:07:32,360
really it really hurts my heart and it breaks my heart,

1346
01:07:32,440 --> 01:07:34,280
and I'm just so grateful that you are open and

1347
01:07:34,320 --> 01:07:36,920
honest with us about it, because it is something that

1348
01:07:36,960 --> 01:07:38,960
people need to hear so they don't feel so alone.

1349
01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:40,400
And I think there's a handful of people that are

1350
01:07:40,440 --> 01:07:41,760
going to hear it and turn it off because they're

1351
01:07:41,800 --> 01:07:43,800
so triggered and they're still so scared and they haven't

1352
01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:46,400
faced that part of themselves yet. But I think just

1353
01:07:46,519 --> 01:07:50,199
the like, we're just like creaking a tiny little door

1354
01:07:50,280 --> 01:07:53,199
open that needs to be knocked down with the force

1355
01:07:53,239 --> 01:07:55,920
of the military, because I just think this is such

1356
01:07:55,960 --> 01:07:57,679
a huge thing that people don't talk about.

1357
01:07:57,719 --> 01:07:58,960
Speaker 2: We're too scared to talk about.

1358
01:07:59,320 --> 01:08:02,599
Speaker 1: I wasn't even comfortable saying that I got I'm still

1359
01:08:02,639 --> 01:08:04,880
not comfortable saying that I was raped, like you know

1360
01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:06,239
what I mean. For so long, I was like, that's

1361
01:08:06,239 --> 01:08:08,000
not what happened. I was just drunk and I thought

1362
01:08:08,039 --> 01:08:09,639
one guy was fucking me and it was someone else.

1363
01:08:09,679 --> 01:08:11,639
It was fine, you know what I mean. And I

1364
01:08:11,679 --> 01:08:13,880
was like retelling that story. My friend's like, you got raped,

1365
01:08:13,920 --> 01:08:17,199
and I was like easy killer, Like I just you know,

1366
01:08:17,680 --> 01:08:21,119
I don't like that vocabulary, I think. But then I'm

1367
01:08:21,119 --> 01:08:23,159
like willing to talk about other things that are horrific.

1368
01:08:23,239 --> 01:08:24,079
Speaker 2: So it's it's a weird.

1369
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:26,760
Speaker 3: It's a weird thing on our comfort level when it

1370
01:08:26,760 --> 01:08:29,680
comes to trauma. Some of us are okay talking about

1371
01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:32,399
our moms killing themselves, and some of us are okay

1372
01:08:32,439 --> 01:08:36,159
about such a day for Yeah, it is what it is,

1373
01:08:36,720 --> 01:08:39,199
different strokes for different folks.

1374
01:08:40,640 --> 01:08:42,439
Speaker 1: Okay, So this is something I wanted to talk about.

1375
01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,840
So there's this book Crazy for you? Did you recommend

1376
01:08:44,840 --> 01:08:45,239
this book?

1377
01:08:45,279 --> 01:08:48,199
Speaker 3: No? My go to is Facing Love Addiction?

1378
01:08:48,680 --> 01:08:52,199
Speaker 1: Okay, that one by Pima Pima what's her name?

1379
01:08:52,439 --> 01:08:54,359
Speaker 4: Okay, but yeah, I know that what you're talking about.

1380
01:08:54,560 --> 01:08:57,039
Speaker 2: So crazy for you? Is the book about.

1381
01:08:57,279 --> 01:08:59,720
Speaker 1: It's a book about love addiction, which I recommend to

1382
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:02,039
any who might be struggling with it, because for me,

1383
01:09:02,399 --> 01:09:04,560
it was like I was reading it on a plane

1384
01:09:04,600 --> 01:09:06,680
and I felt like she was writing just to me,

1385
01:09:07,079 --> 01:09:11,600
Like I was like, oh my god, I am not okay.

1386
01:09:11,680 --> 01:09:14,079
So in the book, this is just paraphrasing, but it's

1387
01:09:14,119 --> 01:09:16,319
like many people end up seeking in another person what

1388
01:09:16,399 --> 01:09:21,439
they can't yet find or regulate within themselves, longing for love, validation, safety,

1389
01:09:21,760 --> 01:09:24,600
and the longing cam morph into patterns of repeated heartbreak,

1390
01:09:24,880 --> 01:09:29,079
compulsive intimacy, seeking, or staying in harmful relationships.

1391
01:09:32,680 --> 01:09:39,279
Speaker 2: I am curious when does it all end? When's it

1392
01:09:39,319 --> 01:09:39,680
all over?

1393
01:09:39,720 --> 01:09:40,960
Speaker 4: Because I'm fucking exhausted.

1394
01:09:41,279 --> 01:09:43,720
Speaker 1: Yeah no, I mean it's just such an exhausting thing,

1395
01:09:43,800 --> 01:09:45,640
and I think so many of us. So I think

1396
01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:48,000
love and sex addiction is probably the one that's like

1397
01:09:48,119 --> 01:09:50,960
least diagnosed and least recognized, because we need love and

1398
01:09:51,000 --> 01:09:54,159
companionship in life and we don't realize we're acting addictively.

1399
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:57,560
Speaker 3: It's as difficult as treating an ani disorder, and if

1400
01:09:57,760 --> 01:10:01,199
any clinicians who are listening to podcasts know that's significantly

1401
01:10:01,199 --> 01:10:06,600
more difficult to treat than addiction to substance or yeah, yeah.

1402
01:10:05,840 --> 01:10:06,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, because we need it.

1403
01:10:07,039 --> 01:10:10,680
Speaker 1: And it's like I think, you know, after three years

1404
01:10:10,720 --> 01:10:14,359
of being single and doing this work, and I'm like,

1405
01:10:14,479 --> 01:10:17,199
I love myself and I'm ready for a relationship and

1406
01:10:17,239 --> 01:10:19,319
I'm whole and I'm good, and then I get into

1407
01:10:19,319 --> 01:10:24,119
one and I'm like, but it's not, like it's not as.

1408
01:10:23,960 --> 01:10:24,960
Speaker 2: Crazy as it used to be.

1409
01:10:25,000 --> 01:10:26,760
Speaker 1: But I am being reminded in the beginning of this

1410
01:10:26,840 --> 01:10:29,800
relationship how crazy I was in my first one, in

1411
01:10:29,840 --> 01:10:33,239
my first one, my first marriage. It's just like this

1412
01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:36,039
almost like you can feel whole, and then you get

1413
01:10:36,039 --> 01:10:38,520
into a relationship and I'm talking mostly about myself here,

1414
01:10:38,920 --> 01:10:41,199
but then all of a sudden, you feel like you're

1415
01:10:41,239 --> 01:10:42,800
not whole, and all of a sudden you feel like

1416
01:10:42,800 --> 01:10:44,840
there's all these holes that need to be filled, and like,

1417
01:10:45,479 --> 01:10:48,479
how do we love ourselves out of that?

1418
01:10:49,760 --> 01:10:53,079
Speaker 3: Yeah? I mean again, I don't think it's necessarily about

1419
01:10:53,079 --> 01:10:56,079
loving yourself. I know that you love yourself. I know

1420
01:10:56,159 --> 01:10:58,720
that you care about yourself. I know that there's no

1421
01:10:58,880 --> 01:11:01,600
part of you when you're ask yourself that's wanting to

1422
01:11:03,399 --> 01:11:06,159
give up on your needs to give somebody else theirs.

1423
01:11:06,239 --> 01:11:09,920
Like I know that that's not like there for you anymore,

1424
01:11:10,079 --> 01:11:13,079
you know, Like I know that you have a layer

1425
01:11:13,359 --> 01:11:16,720
of like consciousness around all of that, and that you're

1426
01:11:16,800 --> 01:11:19,880
more self aware now than you certainly were three years ago.

1427
01:11:21,359 --> 01:11:25,960
But like parts heal over time, it's not you. I

1428
01:11:26,000 --> 01:11:28,880
do a lot of parts work with you, right, And

1429
01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:32,880
like that little girl that feels whatever is coming up,

1430
01:11:33,000 --> 01:11:36,119
that younger part of you that's being really activated in

1431
01:11:36,199 --> 01:11:42,840
the moment is still there just because she's being retriggered

1432
01:11:42,880 --> 01:11:46,439
in the moment. And so again, like the work isn't

1433
01:11:46,479 --> 01:11:49,279
to get rid of the younger part. The work is

1434
01:11:49,359 --> 01:11:52,439
to soothe the younger part enough that she stops coming

1435
01:11:52,520 --> 01:11:55,359
up right to try to protect you.

1436
01:11:55,560 --> 01:11:57,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to talk about this because this work

1437
01:11:57,439 --> 01:12:00,600
has been so profound. So the word we do when

1438
01:12:00,640 --> 01:12:02,840
I'm like, I want to reach out and this is

1439
01:12:02,880 --> 01:12:05,279
you know, a year ago, but whatever, this one guy

1440
01:12:05,359 --> 01:12:07,159
that I wanted to reach out to all the time

1441
01:12:07,199 --> 01:12:09,119
and he didn't respond. I mean I sent him nineteen

1442
01:12:09,159 --> 01:12:10,840
text messages, fourteen nudes.

1443
01:12:11,000 --> 01:12:12,239
Speaker 2: He wasn't responding to me.

1444
01:12:12,640 --> 01:12:14,520
Speaker 4: I couldn't get enough of how much he hated me.

1445
01:12:14,960 --> 01:12:16,880
Speaker 3: And by the way, there was nothing Alexis could have

1446
01:12:16,880 --> 01:12:19,439
done to make or stopped doing that. Like that's the thing,

1447
01:12:19,600 --> 01:12:21,520
like everyone thinks like, oh, you have a sponsor, you're

1448
01:12:21,520 --> 01:12:23,199
working a program, Like why no, no, no.

1449
01:12:23,119 --> 01:12:25,439
Speaker 2: There's no no, no, there's no amount.

1450
01:12:25,079 --> 01:12:29,239
Speaker 3: Of like telling her stop, She's gonna listen to me.

1451
01:12:29,319 --> 01:12:31,439
It's just like, okay, when are you desperate enough to.

1452
01:12:31,399 --> 01:12:34,359
Speaker 2: But also didn't work, and also he came back up

1453
01:12:35,960 --> 01:12:36,840
for like two weeks he.

1454
01:12:36,840 --> 01:12:38,920
Speaker 3: Did eventually, yeah, he did, and then they went back

1455
01:12:38,960 --> 01:12:39,760
to being avoidant.

1456
01:12:39,840 --> 01:12:41,119
Speaker 2: Yeah no.

1457
01:12:41,159 --> 01:12:43,359
Speaker 1: But but when we do this work where I'm like,

1458
01:12:43,399 --> 01:12:44,760
I want to reach out to this person, I want

1459
01:12:44,760 --> 01:12:46,159
to do da da da da da. Can you just

1460
01:12:46,279 --> 01:12:48,479
talk everyone through the work that we do together, because

1461
01:12:48,479 --> 01:12:50,079
it has been so profound for me, and I want

1462
01:12:50,079 --> 01:12:52,439
people to be able to try and do it to

1463
01:12:52,479 --> 01:12:53,399
themselves if they can.

1464
01:12:54,279 --> 01:12:58,239
Speaker 3: Yeah. I mean I think that anybody and everyone's capable

1465
01:12:58,760 --> 01:13:02,560
of doing this. You know, it's just how willing you

1466
01:13:02,640 --> 01:13:05,279
are to want to. And I think for you, you've

1467
01:13:05,319 --> 01:13:08,000
always had profound experiences when I've taken you through these

1468
01:13:08,000 --> 01:13:12,199
meditations because you really have an honest desire to like

1469
01:13:12,319 --> 01:13:13,319
heal the younger.

1470
01:13:13,079 --> 01:13:13,520
Speaker 2: Parts of you.

1471
01:13:13,680 --> 01:13:17,000
Speaker 3: So there's an amazing book on this. It's called Internal

1472
01:13:17,039 --> 01:13:19,720
Family Systems by Dick Schwartz. I've had the honor of

1473
01:13:20,359 --> 01:13:23,359
doing workshops of his, of seeing him speak multiple times

1474
01:13:24,319 --> 01:13:28,520
over the course of my recovery. Internal family systems has

1475
01:13:28,560 --> 01:13:33,039
been a critical component of my healing. And so the

1476
01:13:33,079 --> 01:13:35,479
concept is this, like we all just think that we're

1477
01:13:35,520 --> 01:13:38,039
one being, Like you're just Brittany and I'm just Alexis,

1478
01:13:38,079 --> 01:13:40,279
And the reality is that we're just a bunch of

1479
01:13:40,279 --> 01:13:43,520
fragmented parts. We're not just one being that's present and

1480
01:13:43,640 --> 01:13:46,840
existing right now in this moment. You are a sum

1481
01:13:46,880 --> 01:13:50,439
of a multitude of parts. Moments of profound joy in

1482
01:13:50,479 --> 01:13:53,239
your life that shaped who you are, and moments of

1483
01:13:53,359 --> 01:13:58,520
profound sadness or trauma. And most of us have this,

1484
01:14:00,399 --> 01:14:04,279
these parts that get kind of off the track of

1485
01:14:04,600 --> 01:14:07,359
you know, get separated from our nervous system and lodged

1486
01:14:07,359 --> 01:14:11,439
into our psyche, you know. And then what happens is

1487
01:14:11,560 --> 01:14:16,199
that when a trigger happens, that part will come in

1488
01:14:16,279 --> 01:14:19,079
and try to protect you, try to protect that younger

1489
01:14:19,159 --> 01:14:22,319
version that got hurt so bad, right, And usually that

1490
01:14:22,399 --> 01:14:26,199
happens in maladaptive behavior. And so the work is really

1491
01:14:26,199 --> 01:14:29,720
profound because first we get to get really grounded. So

1492
01:14:30,359 --> 01:14:33,560
we'll take a few really big deep breaths, and I'll

1493
01:14:33,600 --> 01:14:37,119
ask Brittany, like, can you sense just the two of

1494
01:14:37,199 --> 01:14:39,880
us in this room right now? Like can you feel

1495
01:14:39,920 --> 01:14:44,880
my presence? Okay? And then I want you to start

1496
01:14:44,960 --> 01:14:50,439
to become aware of your body, and I want you

1497
01:14:50,520 --> 01:14:52,560
to scan your body and if you can see when

1498
01:14:52,600 --> 01:14:56,000
you're having this moment of he's not texting me back,

1499
01:14:56,000 --> 01:14:58,319
where do you feel that in your body? And she

1500
01:14:58,399 --> 01:15:02,159
would maybe say in her stomach, and then I'd say, okay,

1501
01:15:02,199 --> 01:15:06,560
can you bring your attention to your stomach? Yeah, everyone

1502
01:15:06,600 --> 01:15:11,199
can do that, right. What's happening is really interesting In

1503
01:15:11,239 --> 01:15:16,640
that moment, your higher self or your conscious mind is

1504
01:15:18,319 --> 01:15:23,359
present witnessing a part of you that's really not present.

1505
01:15:24,239 --> 01:15:27,119
So your higher self or your God connected self is

1506
01:15:27,159 --> 01:15:30,800
now witnessing a younger part of you. And so we'll

1507
01:15:30,840 --> 01:15:34,279
explore it and we'll say does this thing have an age?

1508
01:15:35,279 --> 01:15:39,479
A lot of the time it'll tell you six or eight, nine,

1509
01:15:39,520 --> 01:15:42,359
ten eleven, whatever it is. It's like, okay, I want

1510
01:15:42,359 --> 01:15:44,359
you to imagine that.

1511
01:15:45,039 --> 01:15:45,239
Speaker 4: Well.

1512
01:15:45,279 --> 01:15:47,840
Speaker 3: First, I try to see some people have more ability

1513
01:15:47,840 --> 01:15:50,359
to get deep than others. So I'll say, is there

1514
01:15:51,279 --> 01:15:54,119
an image or a place or a time that you're

1515
01:15:54,239 --> 01:15:57,319
seeing yes or no, oh, it just looks like a

1516
01:15:57,359 --> 01:15:59,840
big black mass that's flying. You know. Some people have

1517
01:16:00,199 --> 01:16:01,920
or some people are like, yeah, I'm six, I'm in

1518
01:16:01,960 --> 01:16:04,439
my grandpa's living room. He's screaming at me because I

1519
01:16:04,439 --> 01:16:07,039
didn't finish my plate of food. He's flipping the plate

1520
01:16:07,079 --> 01:16:09,520
in front of the TV. He's you know, and we'll

1521
01:16:09,520 --> 01:16:11,880
have all of that, and it's like, okay, I just

1522
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:16,399
want you to go sit next to this energy, whether

1523
01:16:16,439 --> 01:16:19,600
it's super clear or it's not right, and then it's

1524
01:16:20,439 --> 01:16:22,039
does it have anything that it needs to say to you?

1525
01:16:22,079 --> 01:16:25,520
Can it first witness that you're there, that this calm

1526
01:16:25,560 --> 01:16:29,279
older presence that is you, that is it is there

1527
01:16:29,640 --> 01:16:32,640
keeping it safe. You know, when your partner is triggering

1528
01:16:32,680 --> 01:16:35,319
you or whomever is triggering, you're not going to have

1529
01:16:35,399 --> 01:16:40,880
time to do this full meditative experience, you know, but

1530
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:44,199
you are able, over the period of time of doing

1531
01:16:44,239 --> 01:16:49,079
this kind of work, able to go, ooh, that's that rebellious.

1532
01:16:48,560 --> 01:16:51,079
Speaker 5: Teenager that's sixteen, that's coming out and she wants to

1533
01:16:51,079 --> 01:16:53,920
play right now, and you're able to bring your higher

1534
01:16:53,920 --> 01:16:56,960
self to it and say, hey, for right now, I

1535
01:16:57,039 --> 01:16:58,760
need you to calm down, but I will come back

1536
01:16:58,800 --> 01:17:00,000
to you because I know what you have to say

1537
01:17:00,039 --> 01:17:01,520
say to me is important.

1538
01:17:01,159 --> 01:17:06,479
Speaker 3: And that is that is self soothing. It's not ignoring

1539
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:10,039
the part. It is not just three deep breaths. It's like, no,

1540
01:17:10,199 --> 01:17:12,359
I actually have to meet the part of me that

1541
01:17:12,399 --> 01:17:15,359
wants to burn this motherfucker down and tell her I'm

1542
01:17:15,359 --> 01:17:17,720
coming back, and I have to commit to coming back

1543
01:17:18,520 --> 01:17:22,920
right and actually like having that part. And so what's

1544
01:17:22,960 --> 01:17:25,960
beautiful is our nervous system is like if you can

1545
01:17:26,039 --> 01:17:29,840
imagine mosaic tiles, like all the glass pieces, and in

1546
01:17:29,880 --> 01:17:31,800
the two and a half years that I was doing

1547
01:17:32,439 --> 01:17:36,880
intensive IFS work and through continuing to do it over

1548
01:17:36,920 --> 01:17:40,199
the last five years, like the mosaic tiles have come

1549
01:17:40,279 --> 01:17:42,319
back piece by piece and now I have like a

1550
01:17:42,319 --> 01:17:47,199
beautiful stained glass window. Right, the nervous system is collecting

1551
01:17:47,239 --> 01:17:51,520
itself and the pieces aren't fragmented and all over the place,

1552
01:17:52,159 --> 01:17:55,239
and sometimes they're a little bit slower to like get

1553
01:17:55,239 --> 01:17:58,399
and stay into place, and that's okay. But if you

1554
01:17:58,520 --> 01:18:01,920
just keep doing the work minding your body like, oh,

1555
01:18:01,960 --> 01:18:05,039
we're actually safe, Oh we're not dying. Oh we're okay.

1556
01:18:05,199 --> 01:18:08,079
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, we're kind of one of my favorite things

1557
01:18:08,159 --> 01:18:11,960
to do in the moment when I'm feeling is to think,

1558
01:18:12,000 --> 01:18:13,760
how how old am I right now?

1559
01:18:14,119 --> 01:18:14,199
Speaker 3: What?

1560
01:18:14,439 --> 01:18:17,119
Speaker 1: Because that really for me for some reason, I'm usually

1561
01:18:17,119 --> 01:18:20,479
like five or six, and there's this profound fear of abandonment.

1562
01:18:20,520 --> 01:18:24,039
There's this profound fear of not being safe. There's just

1563
01:18:24,159 --> 01:18:29,720
profound fear. And I'm usually quite young, and it's it's

1564
01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:34,600
h it's a bubber. She keeps coming around. But it's

1565
01:18:34,640 --> 01:18:37,560
like working on that part of myself and giving that

1566
01:18:37,600 --> 01:18:41,079
part of my self love has been there's been a profound.

1567
01:18:40,640 --> 01:18:44,039
Speaker 3: Shit and like maybe like I can tell you that,

1568
01:18:44,199 --> 01:18:46,920
like I've had to revisit certain parts, like the big

1569
01:18:46,920 --> 01:18:53,680
big wounds, like thirty forty times before they've fully felt safe.

1570
01:18:53,880 --> 01:18:56,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, the edges round out. Yeah. I love you so much.

1571
01:18:57,079 --> 01:18:57,720
Speaker 3: I love you too.

1572
01:18:57,800 --> 01:18:59,600
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for being

1573
01:18:59,680 --> 01:19:03,640
such a great friend and sponsor and just person. You

1574
01:19:03,680 --> 01:19:09,760
are such a bright light and I I don't know,

1575
01:19:10,199 --> 01:19:13,479
I just I just see you as such a profoundly

1576
01:19:13,479 --> 01:19:16,159
different person than what the world knew you as, and

1577
01:19:16,239 --> 01:19:17,960
I'm just so happy to have you in my life.

1578
01:19:18,000 --> 01:19:19,039
Speaker 2: So thank you for being here.

1579
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:21,439
Speaker 5: The feeling is mutual. Thank you, sweetie.

1580
01:19:22,159 --> 01:19:24,680
Speaker 1: Do you want people to follow you on Instagram or no, sure,

1581
01:19:24,920 --> 01:19:25,399
give me a.

1582
01:19:25,439 --> 01:19:29,000
Speaker 3: Follow, Give me a follow, follow my ass. It's just

1583
01:19:29,079 --> 01:19:30,439
it's Alexis Haines.

1584
01:19:30,319 --> 01:19:32,880
Speaker 2: Alexis Saints, there it is. Thanks for joining us.

1585
01:19:32,880 --> 01:19:33,880
Speaker 5: Thanks for having me, babe.

1586
01:19:33,960 --> 01:19:34,239
Speaker 2: Bye.

1587
01:19:35,359 --> 01:19:46,880
Speaker 1: All right you guys, We'll see you next week.