WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, everyone, it's been a while since I did one

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<v Speaker 1>of these where it's just me and you and you

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<v Speaker 1>listen to me talk on my own, no interacting with

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<v Speaker 1>the chat, no guests, And I thought we needed a

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<v Speaker 1>break from all this because it's just been too much lately,

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<v Speaker 1>and sometimes you need a good laugh. Sometimes you need

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<v Speaker 1>to shake your head and be like what the hell

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<v Speaker 1>and have it not be completely depressing. So over the holidays,

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<v Speaker 1>I received a letter in the mail and I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>get around to reading it because I put it aside

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<v Speaker 1>and I forgot it was there. You ever put something

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<v Speaker 1>in like plain sight that just becomes like the environment,

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<v Speaker 1>and then all of a sudden you're like, wait, wait

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<v Speaker 1>a minute, what what is that? Oh? Oh, And so

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<v Speaker 1>someone sent me an analog super chat, that is, they

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<v Speaker 1>send something to my PO box with a with either

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<v Speaker 1>cash or a check or money order in it. And

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<v Speaker 1>the person said, who sent this? I have an important

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<v Speaker 1>anecdote to share with you and your listeners, if you

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<v Speaker 1>choose it's cautionary tale, ignormal your peril. This is a

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<v Speaker 1>true recounting of real events. I choose to believe him

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<v Speaker 1>that this is a true recounting of real events. But

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<v Speaker 1>after I read this, you may choose not to believe that.

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<v Speaker 1>So this is the way it starts out. Prior to

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<v Speaker 1>last Christmas, I received no one of my phone, not one,

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<v Speaker 1>but four delivery failure notices in regards to a present

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<v Speaker 1>I had bought online for me and my well loved

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<v Speaker 1>second generation Ford Ranger. My honey is a step side

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<v Speaker 1>three point three lead manual, but with a four x

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<v Speaker 1>four drive train, skid plate, etc. A great blend of

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<v Speaker 1>off road capability and decent mileage. You don't see many

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<v Speaker 1>of them around, That is a rarity. Step sides are awesome.

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<v Speaker 1>I actually have a step side, not a Ford, but

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<v Speaker 1>he goes on it seems my driver Prakesh. You see

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<v Speaker 1>where this is going right, couldn't find my house for

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<v Speaker 1>reasons that are both obscure and obvious, depending on which

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<v Speaker 1>fact of the matter you consider. And since it was

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<v Speaker 1>a Friday, I saddled up the Ranger and headed out

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<v Speaker 1>to the industrial park north of the airport. All the

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<v Speaker 1>new logistics companies have set up shop there. I intended

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<v Speaker 1>to find my new swaybars links goddamn it, so I

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<v Speaker 1>could install them over the weekend. Before had handled the

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<v Speaker 1>on ramp badly given the broken swaybar links, but would

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<v Speaker 1>practice a clarity. I emerged smoothly and lit out between

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<v Speaker 1>the freeway in third gear at thirty five hundred RPMs.

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<v Speaker 1>After a short haul north, I exited onto Vindaloo Boulevard

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<v Speaker 1>and pulled up in a likely spot with the Ranger

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<v Speaker 1>quietly idling. I patiently waited. I was sure to spot

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<v Speaker 1>what I was looking for from my vantage point in

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<v Speaker 1>the seven to eleven parking lot across from the Circle

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<v Speaker 1>eight motel. Soon I was rewarded. It was one of

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<v Speaker 1>those tall white Sprinter type vans with not one, but

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<v Speaker 1>two pajets in the cab. The one in the shotgun

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<v Speaker 1>seat was stabbing at a weird looking tablet device while

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<v Speaker 1>animatedly exclaiming something to the driver, swinging down the boulevard

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<v Speaker 1>in almost drunken fashion. The van was moving away fast,

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<v Speaker 1>so I let out the clutch on the Ranger and

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<v Speaker 1>gave chase, even with that messed up swaybar. The van

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<v Speaker 1>sported a logo on its side with a sort of

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<v Speaker 1>perverted looking disneyesque pink elephant, which gave onlookers a knowing

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<v Speaker 1>wink while its trunk curled around a cardboard box. This

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<v Speaker 1>was a exactly the image that accompanied the delivery failure

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<v Speaker 1>notices from the praqush guy. Getting warmer, though my forward

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<v Speaker 1>slewed about badly, I kept up with the rogue delivery van.

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<v Speaker 1>A light rain began to descend, and I saw the

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<v Speaker 1>van make a left into the forecourt of a prefab building.

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<v Speaker 1>Seemingly it was just one of a series, but on

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<v Speaker 1>drawing closer, I could actually see and sense the enormity

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<v Speaker 1>of the menacing metal structure now looming over me. It

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<v Speaker 1>made me nervous, but I knew my truck parts were

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<v Speaker 1>somewhere inside. I pulled into and once having gotten out

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<v Speaker 1>of my truck, I took care not to engage with

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<v Speaker 1>any of the various pajeet drivers. There were many, many pagets,

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<v Speaker 1>all jabbering and jocking for their place in front of

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<v Speaker 1>the big main doors, waving their tablet devices. Imagine the smell.

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<v Speaker 1>Damn were those tablet things round? What the hell was

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<v Speaker 1>to deal with those? I smiled sheeplessly and shrugged, etc.

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<v Speaker 1>While I edged forward. You do what you gotta do

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<v Speaker 1>when easing your way through a brown, jabbering, tablet waving

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<v Speaker 1>gaggle of Third worlders. The rain had gotten heavier and

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<v Speaker 1>beaten noisily on the roofs of the growing squadrons of

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<v Speaker 1>delivery vans. I got closer to the office door on

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<v Speaker 1>the right side. This was Pajeet Central. I took a

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<v Speaker 1>deep breath, opened the door, and pressed on inside. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>assuming the deep breath was to hold your breath, because

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<v Speaker 1>I can only imagine. I shook off the rain while

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<v Speaker 1>my eyes slowly adjusted to the dimly lit interior. With

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<v Speaker 1>light shining through the glass transom, I could make out

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<v Speaker 1>an African gentleman seated at a desk, again with a

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<v Speaker 1>weird round tablet device. He was poking at various of

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<v Speaker 1>the dark segments on the screen in an agitated manner,

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<v Speaker 1>and beyond him stretched a long line of pajeetes, each

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<v Speaker 1>holding a box or a brown envelope. Above the man's

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<v Speaker 1>teetered a pile of similar packages, threatening to avalanche and

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<v Speaker 1>bury him pending the slightest upset. Sounds like pictures of

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<v Speaker 1>trash heaps that I've seen in India. They just take

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<v Speaker 1>the trash right outside the city and pile it five

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<v Speaker 1>hundred feet high. Again, imagine the smell. What to make

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<v Speaker 1>of this sorting facility? That's sort of like vooting. He's

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<v Speaker 1>spelling it swording That kind but misspelled description was written

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<v Speaker 1>in multi colored crayon on a large swat swatch of cardboard,

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<v Speaker 1>which was itself suspended over the infernal pile. The scenery

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<v Speaker 1>resembled the Doctor Seuss cartoon depicting some kind of weird

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<v Speaker 1>extraterrestrial post office that paints a picture, doesn't it like

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<v Speaker 1>you can literally see it? In Doctor Seus's style, getting

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<v Speaker 1>a results seemed to very venturing farther into the Getting

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<v Speaker 1>results seemed to favor venturing farther into the building. It

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<v Speaker 1>was a gigantic space. As I have mentioned, I believe

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<v Speaker 1>it was intended at first as an aircraft hangar, since

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<v Speaker 1>it had no internal structure to support its enormous volume.

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<v Speaker 1>Huge drifts maybe dunes is a better word, stretched off

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<v Speaker 1>into the gloomy distance. These hills were entirely composed of

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<v Speaker 1>cardboard boxes and brown padded envelopes, uncannily large, enormous heaps

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<v Speaker 1>of packages piled on one on top of the other,

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<v Speaker 1>forming huge wave of like structures. The whole scene was

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<v Speaker 1>illuminated by a big crescent shaped window high on the

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<v Speaker 1>south wall, deafening hooting and babbling assaulted my ears, and

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<v Speaker 1>unsettling smells filled the dense atmosphere. I can only imagine, Man,

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<v Speaker 1>God bless you. Way up above, exhausts from the main

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<v Speaker 1>delivery vans inside the space and other noxious gases seemed

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<v Speaker 1>to be forming a mixture. I could distinctly see on

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<v Speaker 1>an otherworldly form of weather swirling round up high in

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<v Speaker 1>the rafters built the gaseous streamers of I knew not

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<v Speaker 1>what were curling around and round the apex of the

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<v Speaker 1>ceiling high above. Uh oh. Everywhere pajeet swarmed over the

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<v Speaker 1>colossal heap of packages. The clever ones had donned headlamps

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<v Speaker 1>of the kind you take camping. I could see them

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<v Speaker 1>moving over the piles sorry of boxes and whatnot. Some

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<v Speaker 1>pajeets were taking their discoveries down to a central area

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<v Speaker 1>on the floor, and some others, having completed a similar mission,

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<v Speaker 1>we're heading back upward, heading back upwards again. Awestruck, I

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<v Speaker 1>wondered how best to describe the scene, and long ago

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<v Speaker 1>memory of my childhood surfaced. He's writing to me now,

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<v Speaker 1>question for you, Pete, when you were a kid, did

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<v Speaker 1>Dad ever load your family into the car and take

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<v Speaker 1>you all to the dump so you could look at

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<v Speaker 1>the bears. I'd have to say, no, that is not

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<v Speaker 1>something that we ever did. Does it sound like fun

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<v Speaker 1>kind of bears hang out of the dump? Is this something? Okay? Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>it was kind of like that. I mean, you painted

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<v Speaker 1>a picture for me. I can only imagine. I observed

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<v Speaker 1>a large pagete swat another smaller one and claimed some

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<v Speaker 1>prize out of the pile. It took its fine down

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<v Speaker 1>to the central area that had a large sort of

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<v Speaker 1>mandela shaped dias dias on the floor. As I approached

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<v Speaker 1>his platform, a pajet confronted me. Here we go. He

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<v Speaker 1>was the largest of all the brutes I had observed

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<v Speaker 1>so far, standing well over four feet at the shoulder.

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<v Speaker 1>He was directing the activity all around. His jaw swung open,

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<v Speaker 1>and he seemed to ask me my business. I said

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<v Speaker 1>it seemed to because, though open, his jaw did not move,

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<v Speaker 1>His dead looking eyes did not focus or track, But

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<v Speaker 1>I swear I heard words come out of him. With

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<v Speaker 1>dawning horror. I'd observed a small pink elephant perched upon

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<v Speaker 1>the pajit's shoulder. It had a ginger neck beard and

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<v Speaker 1>wore a set of those green eye shades that accountants use.

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<v Speaker 1>The ensemble was topped by a black fedora, so got

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<v Speaker 1>libertarian elephant here. The tiny animal's sinuous pink trunk was

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<v Speaker 1>inserted into the pajitte's left ear, and he was obviously

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<v Speaker 1>directing the brown brute's motion and speech. Uh. Things had

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<v Speaker 1>now taken a disturbing, even frightening turn. I bet you

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<v Speaker 1>didn't think we were going to enter into a Willam

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<v Speaker 1>Burrough's novel, did you. That is who I'm thinking of,

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<v Speaker 1>isn't it Naked Lunch William Burrows? Let me look, look

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<v Speaker 1>that up. I haven't read him in so long that Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>william S Burrows. I was correct, m s are one

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<v Speaker 1>for me. Clearly the real business of the swortsing facility

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<v Speaker 1>was conducted here by this weird hybrid. The puny package.

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<v Speaker 1>Aram and I perused each other in the gloom for

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<v Speaker 1>what seemed like a full minute. The elephant spoke, Hey, Jethrow,

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<v Speaker 1>It said, you don't look so good. You need a

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<v Speaker 1>little bite. Maybe. The minuscule mastodon had produced a fig

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<v Speaker 1>from somewhere and was waving it at me with one

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<v Speaker 1>of its pink paws. Speechless, I nodded negatively and produced

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<v Speaker 1>my phone to show the diminutive Dumbo all the failed

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<v Speaker 1>delivery notices. Hold it still, it said, since the phone

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<v Speaker 1>was shaking badly in my hands. Quote OIVEI it's mirror.

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<v Speaker 1>We as backed up and that prakeuchh. He only knows

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<v Speaker 1>how to turn right. It takes him all day to

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<v Speaker 1>get anywhere. An acid tiny animal, he tossed away the fig.

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<v Speaker 1>Let me get this going here. He tossed away the fig,

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<v Speaker 1>and a passing paget launched itself upward like a trout,

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<v Speaker 1>snatching the treat out of the air with his mouth. Meanwhile,

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<v Speaker 1>the elephant wiggled his pink trunk deeper into his pajete's ear.

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<v Speaker 1>The pajete upon whom the packagerm perched, tipped his head

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<v Speaker 1>skyward and began to belch deeply in the direction of

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<v Speaker 1>the ceiling. He was soon joined by all the other

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<v Speaker 1>pagets in the swording facility, all belching and farting in unison.

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<v Speaker 1>In some kind of smelly ritual designed to recover my package.

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<v Speaker 1>One would assume, hold on already, our team of logistics

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<v Speaker 1>professionals will find your package for sure. Be a mensch,

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<v Speaker 1>shouted the tiny elephant above the racket The rhythmic belching

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<v Speaker 1>sound continued from the brown choir as the head paget

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<v Speaker 1>inserted his index finger through the screen of his dark

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<v Speaker 1>round tablet device and was now swirling it around like

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<v Speaker 1>he was on his second date with the fucking thing.

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<v Speaker 1>Everybody with me, give us a minute, it's starting to work.

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<v Speaker 1>The elephant yelled high above us. All the big crescent

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<v Speaker 1>shaped window grew brighter, and the swirling massive gas near

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<v Speaker 1>the ceiling now resolved into something resembling a gigantic brown peach.

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<v Speaker 1>But that was no peach, Oh god. Brown boxes and

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<v Speaker 1>envelopes began to blast downward from an orifice in the

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<v Speaker 1>center of the definitely not a peach. Individually at first

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<v Speaker 1>and then by the score brown missiles crashed toward us,

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<v Speaker 1>accompanied by a crescendo of flatulent noise from the brown

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<v Speaker 1>logistics professionals of the sorting facility. I was struck on

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<v Speaker 1>the head numerous times, and I grew faint as a

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<v Speaker 1>pile of packages grew around and over me. I'd collapsed

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<v Speaker 1>under on the floor under the rain of boxes, all

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<v Speaker 1>the while listening to the hooting exclamations of the pajets

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<v Speaker 1>being exhorted to find my package the elephant, quoting from

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<v Speaker 1>the Bill of Lading like a verse from Leviticus. My

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<v Speaker 1>vision faded. I felt an overwhelming desire to sleep. What

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<v Speaker 1>was to become of me? Ready? You following good, doing

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<v Speaker 1>better than me. When I regained consciousness, I realized I

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<v Speaker 1>was in my truck, parked in the drive of my

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<v Speaker 1>own house, engine off, but the keys still in the ignition.

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<v Speaker 1>I had no memory of escaping the sewording facility or

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<v Speaker 1>of driving myself home. It was well after midnight, so

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<v Speaker 1>it was all a dream. Kell it was. On the

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<v Speaker 1>shotgun seat was my package and a note apologetically offering

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<v Speaker 1>a very small discount on aluminum siding. Also, rather than

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<v Speaker 1>a traditional signature, the note sported a tiny pawprint. The

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<v Speaker 1>wife's brother teaches paleontology at our local university, and he

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<v Speaker 1>told us the print resembled that of fossils from a

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<v Speaker 1>tiny creature Elephanticus Hebrewcus, a proto elephant thought to have

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<v Speaker 1>gone extinct six million years ago. It's been about a

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<v Speaker 1>year since the incident, and gratefully it's fading from my mind.

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<v Speaker 1>The truck rides great now, though sometimes I notice it

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<v Speaker 1>smells funny. I don't talk about it, And I don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to know what happened out there, Pete, but I

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<v Speaker 1>beg you and implore you, you and your listeners, if

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<v Speaker 1>you need automotive parts, go to a locally owned auto

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<v Speaker 1>parts franchise outlet. We have to stick together. Take your

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<v Speaker 1>trade to someplace owned by one of our guys and

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<v Speaker 1>operated by our people. Reduce your exposure to global big

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<v Speaker 1>tech and above all big pajeet, and look out for

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<v Speaker 1>giant brown peaches. Watch the skies, keep watching the skies.

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<v Speaker 1>And so what do we learn from this story? Well,

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<v Speaker 1>I think at the end there the recommendation, the emphatic

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<v Speaker 1>pleading to do business locally with your own people. That

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<v Speaker 1>makes a lot of sense. Now doing business with big

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<v Speaker 1>tech and big paget also very important. Look out for

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<v Speaker 1>giant brown peaches. I would have to say that, given

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<v Speaker 1>what's been said here, that would probably be very important

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<v Speaker 1>to do. So was it all a dream? Is there

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<v Speaker 1>really an Elephantsicus hibraicus that his thoughts had gone extinct

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<v Speaker 1>six million years ago? Or is this humor? I would

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<v Speaker 1>say upon reading this that I believe him. It makes sense.

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<v Speaker 1>There's no reason why I should question somebody's experience. I

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<v Speaker 1>would say that if you do order something online and

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<v Speaker 1>Prakesh can't find the house, can't find your house is

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<v Speaker 1>putting undeliverable. Whatever it is, consider it lost. Eat the cost.

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<v Speaker 1>Don't go anywhere where you can you have to interact

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<v Speaker 1>with Pajeet's being controlled by elephants on their shoulders, being

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<v Speaker 1>exposed to that smell in anywhere. Giant peaches can land

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<v Speaker 1>on you, causing you to not be able to remember

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<v Speaker 1>the rest of the day. Wise words important to remember.

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<v Speaker 1>Be back in a few days. Take care, sa