Speaker 1: Welcome to men, Sex and Tantra.
Speaker 2: Discover where your parents, porn and religion never taught you
Speaker 2: about being a man and having extraordinary sex. Get ready
Speaker 2: to have your mind blown and your world rocked. All right,
Speaker 2: we are back. Courageous Matthias is hanging out still with me.
Speaker 2: This is not tapping into his courage at all. He's
Speaker 2: one of the more courageous men that I've met in
Speaker 2: my life, and so we're gonna be talking about courage,
Speaker 2: my top value, one of my favorite things to absolutely
Speaker 2: talk about. I'll be interested to see Maamtathias has to
Speaker 2: say about this and how does it fit in to
Speaker 2: you know, how we live. Obviously, the topics we've been
Speaker 2: covering have not. You could say, well, we didn't specifically
Speaker 2: talk about sex relationships, but the reality is we do.
Speaker 2: Every single thing that anybody it talks about on this
Speaker 2: show fits in. Even if you listen to the wolf
Speaker 2: guy guy talking about wolves clearly fits into our dynamic
Speaker 2: as humans as well. So you know what I'm going
Speaker 2: to say. This is going to be offensive. Are you ready?
Speaker 2: Trigger warning? Offensive comment coming along? If the stuff is
Speaker 2: over your head, you probably want to go watch somebody
Speaker 2: else's podcast. Just saying, don't write me an email that
Speaker 2: says Tanya, I can't you just see what face, Tanya,
Speaker 2: I cannot understand a fuck to on anything of what
Speaker 2: you guys are saying. I'm like, love you.
Speaker 1: I love you.
Speaker 2: Please don't ask see in the email and ask me
Speaker 2: to explain it all. What you could do instead is
Speaker 2: give me a email that says I'd like to know
Speaker 2: more about this topic, or could you go into more
Speaker 2: depth about this topic? Complain to me and it literally
Speaker 2: it's like, I just look at your email. You can't
Speaker 2: see me right now. I wish you could, but let
Speaker 2: me describe it. I look at your email, this disdainful
Speaker 2: look comes across my face. I shake my head and
Speaker 2: I hit delete. So don't do that. It's just wasting
Speaker 2: your time. But I'm happy to go deeper into conversations
Speaker 2: that you feel are important that you want want to
Speaker 2: know more about. You can also, like, you know, hit
Speaker 2: me up on Facebook, ask for a request, I take request,
Speaker 2: write a post about this or whatever. Just you know,
Speaker 2: feel free to actually like, oh, take charge and ask
Speaker 2: for what you need. That's good, yeah, in that way
Speaker 2: with clarity, Okay, so courage, I'm gonna let you start
Speaker 2: the charge on that with your courageous action Withias, and
Speaker 2: I loved your face you just did. We're awesome.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, it's funny that you that you actually had
Speaker 1: that take courage and ask for what you truly need.
Speaker 1: You think, Yeah, so I guess that it seems like
Speaker 1: that would would tie in uh actually to uh well
Speaker 1: that that definition of a true need mm hmm. And
Speaker 1: it has to do with with with courage.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: But let's actually go back to it. I will. So,
Speaker 1: for for me, courage is simply that which is in
Speaker 1: alignment with a particular vowel value or goal. Hm. And
Speaker 1: so so I'll explain a situation and about kind of
Speaker 1: why I'm saying that is you maybe you've done this yourself.
Speaker 1: You've seen others where let's say that there's a guy
Speaker 1: who goes in traffic and you know, he sees a
Speaker 1: girl or an animal or whatever, risks risk their own
Speaker 1: life to to save this person.
Speaker 2: Me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, yeah firefighters. And then you know at
Speaker 1: the end, somebody after say oh my gosh, like you
Speaker 1: were so courageous. Invariably the person will just kind of
Speaker 1: like shrug and say, well, it's just what needed to
Speaker 1: get done. Yeah, so I would submit that that that
Speaker 1: essentially that that you, whether Utahannya or others, were basically
Speaker 1: just simply acting in alignment with a particular value or
Speaker 1: goal that you had. So in this case, using that
Speaker 1: could continue with that example, sanctity of life, sanctity a
Speaker 1: value of wanting to preserve life. Yeah right and so yeah,
Speaker 1: so so really having that reframe, having that reframe of courage,
Speaker 1: then it's like, oh well, it's actually maybe not this
Speaker 1: huge thing or in a certain way, it's just it's
Speaker 1: just simply that. And so even the idea of you know,
Speaker 1: and even like with my upcoming book Leading from Courageous Vulnerability,
Speaker 1: the one thing that I hope anybody gets from reading
Speaker 1: it is to have the courage to do what they
Speaker 1: know that they need to do. Anyways. Yeah, and so
Speaker 1: but it's like breaking that, Yeah, it's maybe not as
Speaker 1: big of a jump as you might think.
Speaker 2: So not creating epic heroism in that regard of thinking
Speaker 2: that it's things above and beyond what we would be
Speaker 2: called to do. I so most people you know will
Speaker 2: tell I mean, anybody that knows me's like, holy fuck,
Speaker 2: you're the most courageous person I ever know, you know ever,
Speaker 2: and that's actually yes and no. Like number one, I
Speaker 2: was a very fearful child. I knew at a very
Speaker 2: young age all the consequences that could happen from things
Speaker 2: that I was doing, like beyond how most children knew, like, oh,
Speaker 2: I could die doing that. I could get seriously hurt
Speaker 2: doing that. So my mom had to bypass those things
Speaker 2: to like, well, just take ice skating. So I was
Speaker 2: like three years old or four years old, I think,
Speaker 2: and we lived on a lake and it froze over
Speaker 2: and everybody ice skated, and I would sit out in
Speaker 2: my yard and look at everybody ice skating, and I'd
Speaker 2: really want to do it right, but I was like,
Speaker 2: that's a fuck no, you could fall, hit your head, die.
Speaker 2: Like at a very young age, I already knew all
Speaker 2: of this. So my mom was like, you want ice skating.
Speaker 2: I'm like yeah, and I wanted it badly, and she
Speaker 2: goes like, you know, skate and I'm like she'll it's like,
Speaker 2: I'll hold your hand, and I'm like no, because you
Speaker 2: could fall, and then I that's not just. So she
Speaker 2: ended up going to get this little wooden sewing chair,
Speaker 2: you know, and she goes, well, how about if you
Speaker 2: put you put this out in front of you and
Speaker 2: you hold that, and I'm like, oh, the chair will
Speaker 2: not fall because of the four legs. Blah blah, idiot,
Speaker 2: who what three year old? But just let's say right,
Speaker 2: so I'm out there now skating because I got the chair,
Speaker 2: and then I get like, you know, those little bursts
Speaker 2: of like, let oh the chair. So definitely spent a
Speaker 2: lot of time being afraid. I was an international horse
Speaker 2: show jumper and I would sit in the box ready
Speaker 2: to be on deck next and what was going through
Speaker 2: my mind was holy fucked time, and you're fucking insane.
Speaker 2: Do you know, like the blah blah blah statistics of
Speaker 2: the whatever do to double, Like how many people break
Speaker 2: their fucking neck? This is going on. They all goes off,
Speaker 2: and I'm like in the zone fearless, Wow, shark attack,
Speaker 2: I get back in the water, gune to my head, whatever.
Speaker 2: And so it feels very juxtaposing. But I would say
Speaker 2: I have to use courage, and that means for me,
Speaker 2: the ability to move through the fear to the thing
Speaker 2: I want anyway, So being vulnerable scared to be vulnerable
Speaker 2: right and move through the thing anyway when it comes
Speaker 2: to reflex actions like I am the person. All my
Speaker 2: partners have known this. When I yell stop the car.
Speaker 2: If I'm not driving, I'm already out the door. You
Speaker 2: better fuck It doesn't matter how fast we're going, because
Speaker 2: I'm on an animal rescue. Oh that there is no
Speaker 2: fear I see something else in danger. I don't have
Speaker 2: that fear. There is no fear. I'm stepping out of
Speaker 2: the car at sixty miles an hour like you better
Speaker 2: fucking stop the car, right, And because my care concern
Speaker 2: about something else that's vulnerable. Right. Baby mama and her
Speaker 2: baby ducks stuck on the side of a ramp where
Speaker 2: they had no way to go except to stay up
Speaker 2: against there and they were all going to get smashed. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I fucking stop, you know, sixty mile an
Speaker 2: hour traffic, and was like no, I'm fucking gonna do this,
Speaker 2: and police was called on me. It was all sorts
Speaker 2: of a scene rescue a bull running down the middle
Speaker 2: of the road. People are like you're insane, and I'm
Speaker 2: like no, he'll follow me. You know, I was pregnant.
Speaker 2: I was a much pregnant, and the baby daddy was like,
Speaker 2: get in the car. What are you doing in front
Speaker 2: of that bull? Because he was like he was going
Speaker 2: after people. I just turned my back on him, closed
Speaker 2: my eyes and started breathing, and he came up behind me,
Speaker 2: touched my back, and I just walked him to a pasture.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, that is so cool.
Speaker 2: Scary dives, repelling out of helicopters in a dive site
Speaker 2: with Navy seal buddies, you know, doing insane stuff. But
Speaker 2: so to me, courage, there's two. That's the two aspects.
Speaker 2: You're right, I don't consider courage to do the thing
Speaker 2: you're compelled to do, even if you're a little bit scared.
Speaker 2: I think courage is the doing the things that are
Speaker 2: freaking scary to do, but you don't have to do them.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm maybe so.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmmm.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm yeah, m m.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm.
Speaker 2: He's breathing. I'm looking at him.
Speaker 1: Breathe.
Speaker 2: So you guys are like, what happened to that? We'll
Speaker 2: show my blank it's because it's not video. You're like,
Speaker 2: what's happening here?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I mean I could I could see that. Do
Speaker 1: you have a either like a question or a thought
Speaker 1: or a you.
Speaker 2: Know, yeah, absolutely, so you know in summary of what
Speaker 2: you said, like, you know, courage, there's the value. I
Speaker 2: love the aspect that you're like, you know, that sanctity
Speaker 2: of life in alignment with your values? Is it really
Speaker 2: courageous heroism? Is it heroism? So I think we need
Speaker 2: to find the difference between courage and heroic. Sure, you know,
Speaker 2: there's one thing to think about. Another thing is you
Speaker 2: know we all hear it, feel the fear, and do
Speaker 2: it anyway? You know? Is that the real mark of
Speaker 2: courageous action? It? You know, courage is my number one value.
Speaker 2: The thing that help courage helps me do is be
Speaker 2: vulnerable when it's scary. It's to be flexible when I
Speaker 2: don't want to be. It's so much be quote unquote honest.
Speaker 2: It's transparent. It's not honest, right, Be transparent when it's scary,
Speaker 2: have conversations. I don't like conflict, just like anybody else.
Speaker 2: Though people seem to think I'm cool with it, it's
Speaker 2: not actually true. It's just that I have the courage
Speaker 2: to Maybe this is a value. I don't waste time.
Speaker 2: I don't want to waste time. I believe in kindness.
Speaker 2: To me, clarity is kindness. So I'm not willing to
Speaker 2: make somebody suffer because I'm scared to have a conversation. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So where does courage play into relationships, into sex, into
Speaker 2: any of these.
Speaker 1: I think it's a big, it's a big, it's a
Speaker 1: it's a I think they play into all of them.
Speaker 1: And like I think it was the second episode we
Speaker 1: was at the second of the first we talked about
Speaker 1: vulnerability and and and in terms of this whole idea
Speaker 1: of leading from courageous vulnerability. Really, I see that as
Speaker 1: as something that is and and as I think, as
Speaker 1: I believe as Brene Brown as the quote of you know,
Speaker 1: vulnerability is required for connection, and it takes courage to
Speaker 1: be able to do that, whether whether you are being
Speaker 1: vulnerable sharing something with a partner, whether you are putting
Speaker 1: yourself out there in uh, let's say a professional standpoint
Speaker 1: and a context. It that is leaning into that discomfort
Speaker 1: and doing the thing anyway I think is a is
Speaker 1: a really Yeah. I mean, it's it's something that it's
Speaker 1: going outside of your com zone in a way that
Speaker 1: at least for me and my my experience of it,
Speaker 1: it's like going out of the out of my own
Speaker 1: comfort zone. And I know it's it's for it's for
Speaker 1: a larger purpose. It's for it's not just for me.
Speaker 1: It's not just because you know, I don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not just for me. It's for it's for a
Speaker 1: greater it's for greater cost.
Speaker 2: Right. So yeah, so then it's like we could have
Speaker 2: like the courage that, let's just call it selfish courage,
Speaker 2: is self serving courage, And then we could have the
Speaker 2: courage that it's like, I'm on that purpose, that mission
Speaker 2: that requires me to grow in ways, and I think
Speaker 2: that that that I love this distinction, you know, there
Speaker 2: the courageousness of you know, my mission is calling on
Speaker 2: me to be bigger than I might be. So for me,
Speaker 2: like the book, the book's going to take right action
Speaker 2: for me to do. It was courageous for me to
Speaker 2: go find this teacher. It was courageous for me to
Speaker 2: do all the shit that all these crazy people told
Speaker 2: me to do well outside my comfort zone. So I
Speaker 2: want to invite people to think about the fact that
Speaker 2: courage is a muscle and brain training that you do. Like,
Speaker 2: you know, there's spontaneous courageous action which you can never
Speaker 2: train for. It's just something you do, you know, whatever.
Speaker 2: But This other piece of courage is something you have
Speaker 2: to practice and train. It's like you feel uncomfortable, Okay,
Speaker 2: what do you do in that moment? Do you shrink
Speaker 2: back to your discomfort or do you train your body
Speaker 2: and your brain that you can move into without compartmentalizing
Speaker 2: Because we tend to say, you know, veterans, first responders
Speaker 2: place lots of people like this, and I work with
Speaker 2: Navy seals and special ops people. It's like they compartmentalize,
Speaker 2: which is different than courageous. They're not actually feeling the
Speaker 2: feelings that are happening. They've learned to disconnect and be
Speaker 2: a moment of That doesn't take courage. That is not
Speaker 2: courageous action. That is a disconnect. Courageous action requires that
Speaker 2: you literally feel the fuck at everything you're feeling and
Speaker 2: then be able to move into it. So when it
Speaker 2: comes to relationships, that's really the gold because you are
Speaker 2: literally talking about embodiment of that taking that courageous step
Speaker 2: to trust yourself when you know you lie about everything,
Speaker 2: stop it, start committing, stop lying right the courageous action
Speaker 2: to live. I have had my heart broken or broken
Speaker 2: my own heart, whatever whichever you prefer. Ah so many
Speaker 2: times I've lost count and I find myself like, is
Speaker 2: it courageous action that I am optimistic and like won't
Speaker 2: close that up because of the past? Or is that
Speaker 2: like part of my value system or part of my mission?
Speaker 2: You know? So these are questions to ponder. I guess too, right,
Speaker 2: it takes courageous action to love if you've been trashed,
Speaker 2: It takes courageous action if you've been abused to believe
Speaker 2: in the good. You know, there's a lot of things
Speaker 2: that we can do with courage. But I just looked
Speaker 2: the meaning up, you know, because I'm into that. We
Speaker 2: all think we know what it means, but you know,
Speaker 2: the ability to do something that frightens one. Here's the other.
Speaker 2: Here's the one that I really resonate with strength in
Speaker 2: the face of pain or grief. M Like, that's that's
Speaker 2: the one that really like, we can learn to not
Speaker 2: be frightened of something, but can we learn to have
Speaker 2: strength use courage as the strength in that? What would
Speaker 2: happen if people were more courageous in there? So let's
Speaker 2: take that to the need. So how do we all
Speaker 2: the people that don't say what they really need how
Speaker 2: to like what?
Speaker 1: Right? Well, I mean this kind of taps in a
Speaker 1: little bit of the story, you know. In twenty eleven,
Speaker 1: I asked myself, what do I truly need to be
Speaker 1: a happy human?
Speaker 2: Love that?
Speaker 1: Yeah? And then uh.
Speaker 2: M, didn't you let didn't you let go of everything?
Speaker 2: I mean, isn't that story like quote unquote normal society? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. I mean I stepped away from a
Speaker 1: ten year you know, marriage basically, and you know, moved
Speaker 1: to friends land, slept in a tent for a year,
Speaker 1: did work trade you know with him. But I was
Speaker 1: really deeply pondering this and also in an aspect around
Speaker 1: there's a definition of abundance from the shar Channel by
Speaker 1: darryl Anka which ties in and all all. Abundance is
Speaker 1: the ability to do what you need to do when
Speaker 1: you need to do it, period.
Speaker 2: Okay, say that again.
Speaker 1: Abundance is the ability to do what you need to
Speaker 1: do when you need to do it. Period.
Speaker 2: Hm.
Speaker 1: So then I asked myself, well, what is a true need?
Speaker 1: Because that deeply resonated with me. It was like I
Speaker 1: could see all of the nature always like the ability
Speaker 1: to do what you need to do. I mean it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like nature, what is it? Who is allowed sue
Speaker 1: that said nature does not rush, yet everything is accomplished,
Speaker 1: and so what came through was a true need. Is
Speaker 1: that which is required for an abundant life, and that
Speaker 1: which is required for your soul's greatest unfoldment, or said,
Speaker 1: maybe a little bit simpler is that which is required
Speaker 1: to understand and to use your full potential.
Speaker 2: Right, So, the majority, I would say, of us are
Speaker 2: not really doing that. We're like sitting back and going like,
Speaker 2: oh well, society says this or this is the easiest path,
Speaker 2: this is the path of least resistant. Now, look, I
Speaker 2: want to be super clear. I don't think everybody needs
Speaker 2: to live extraordinary lives. I do not think that everybody
Speaker 2: needs to achieve consciousness. I do not think everybody needs
Speaker 2: to do fucking shit. If you're like happy sitting on
Speaker 2: the fucking couch watching your TV, go the fucking do it,
Speaker 2: like literally it because ultimately, you know, you're a sovereign person.
Speaker 2: You get to do what you want to do. Be
Speaker 2: an idiot, be an idiot, Like you know, there's got
Speaker 2: to be other people. We can't all be the same.
Speaker 2: So like you know, yeah, so you know, have the
Speaker 2: courage to be an idiot, to have the courage. Yes,
Speaker 2: I should get my ass off the couch and stop
Speaker 2: eating these chips, but God knows, I don't fucking care.
Speaker 2: I want to do this. I'm like, that's conscious. Be
Speaker 2: be conscious, Be the courageous to be conscious if you
Speaker 2: want to do that. Don't be a victim. There's the courage.
Speaker 2: If you want to live the way you want to live,
Speaker 2: have the courage to not fucking claim victimhood in it.
Speaker 1: Mmmm mm hmm, yep, yep, yep. I could. I could
Speaker 1: see that, at least for me, that really that that
Speaker 1: definition it's it's in a certain way, it's a little
Speaker 1: bit of a winnowing stick or a like separate helping
Speaker 1: separate the wheat from the chaff for someone who might
Speaker 1: wish to do that simply to ask like, okay, well
Speaker 1: does this really required for me to have an abundant life?
Speaker 1: And part of the deeper dive on that is an
Speaker 1: abundant life is going to look different for different people
Speaker 1: all around the world. What is success exactly exactly? And
Speaker 1: then the whole thing about like that which is required
Speaker 1: for your soul's greatest you know, unfoldment or your potential
Speaker 1: that also could vary widely, it might be actually quite simple.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're you know, let's say a student
Speaker 1: in Latino America, and you know you were interested in,
Speaker 1: let's say, pursuing a professional football career, you might need
Speaker 1: nothing more than you know, a soccer ball and friends
Speaker 1: to play with, and you know, some sticks set up
Speaker 1: for goalposts as maybe the next piece of a equipment
Speaker 1: or something like that. Right, So at least to to
Speaker 1: have that be something where it's like a start to
Speaker 1: really say, and you know how you can use this?
Speaker 1: I think also one of the things a simple way
Speaker 1: to actually action action this is okay, well, at least
Speaker 1: you to do an inventory, a mental inventory of your
Speaker 1: life to say, okay, well, what am I clear of
Speaker 1: everything that I don't really need, that doesn't fit really
Speaker 1: doesn't clearly fit in either of those two categories, and
Speaker 1: start getting rid of it. Whatever that is, whether it's
Speaker 1: excess stuff, whether it's clutter, physical clutter, whether it's you know,
Speaker 1: mental or stuff that you're worrying about, or excess let's
Speaker 1: say news consumption. Right, all these things that are filling
Speaker 1: our life that that is that is preventing us from
Speaker 1: actually having space to sit and breathe and to and
Speaker 1: to really be with ourselves, to really hear that still
Speaker 1: small voice that is that's coming or that wants to come.
Speaker 2: Yeah, now, courageous courageous action to clear the clutter absolutely,
Speaker 2: because we like to hang on to ship, just saying
Speaker 2: we don't need to hang on a ship. All right.
Speaker 2: So we've talked about life, purpose, vulnerability, the truth, the
Speaker 2: truth quoting I'm error quoting everybody here, the truth, and
Speaker 2: courage courageous living, radical, radical, courageous living, whatever that is.
Speaker 2: And if you so not if you were to, because
Speaker 2: you're going to, so would you an overall summary, like
Speaker 2: what would you what would a statement that you would
Speaker 2: like men to really move into based on the things
Speaker 2: you've learned and what you know. Can you have a
Speaker 2: paragraph something that like m HM, buyers motivates then to
Speaker 2: step into.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, okay, be curious about your potential, be curious
Speaker 1: about the world, Be committed to to uncovering just what
Speaker 1: is possible. And when that is clear, move in the
Speaker 1: direction of that thing. As you move in the direction
Speaker 1: of that, hold it, hold that vision. Don't hold it like,
Speaker 1: don't clench it in your hand, hold it firmly enough.
Speaker 1: It's not just going to randomly pop out of your hand,
Speaker 1: but don't c so tightly that you can't either adjust
Speaker 1: your grip on it or put that thing down and
Speaker 1: pick up something else that's of greater value.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: Nice.
Speaker 2: We have to quote that somewhere. You can pull it.
Speaker 2: You can pull it out of that all right, Everybody
Speaker 2: who is listening, and you know, you guys have to
Speaker 2: know how funny that is. I say that, and I
Speaker 2: hope somebody's laughing, because like, who the fuck if they're
Speaker 2: not listening, it doesn't really matter, right, So I don't
Speaker 2: know if you've ever picked up when I say, those
Speaker 2: of you who are listening, but I'm actually trying to
Speaker 2: be funny. I'm a nerd, autistic nerd. Literally, my humor
Speaker 2: doesn't land on everybody. I'm just saying when somebody states
Speaker 2: the obvious, like I'm about to tell you a story,
Speaker 2: and then they do it, it's really ridiculous. So you know,
Speaker 2: to those of you who are listening and to those
Speaker 2: of you who are not, we're out and we'll be back.
Speaker 2: Hope you enjoyed this particular series and looking forward to us.
Speaker 2: We'll be back, absolutely, and we have more things to
Speaker 2: get like high level about or esoteric about or who knows.
Speaker 2: Thanks so much for being with us,