Speaker 1: Hello everyone. My name is Stephanie Wilder Taylor and welcome
to my podcast Drunkish. A little over a year ago,
I published a book called Drunkish, where I told my
own story about quitting drinking. But now I have a
podcast because I want to hear from other people about
quitting drinking and drugs and other stuff. So, whether you're sober,
you're sober curious, or you just like hearing stories about
winos and addicts, welcome.
Speaker 2: And before we.
Speaker 1: Get to today's guest, please follow the show on your podcast,
thing that you use or like or subscribe. Please just
support the show. It will help me grow. And now
my guest today is Alison Rosen. You may know her
from her super popular, long running podcast called Alison Rosen
is Your New Best Friend, which I have been a
guest on several times.
Speaker 2: She also has.
Speaker 1: A really cool substack which has over two thousand subscribers,
and you can find that at allisonrosendot substack dot com,
where she talks about tons of stuff, including her four
years as the newsgirl on the Adam Carolla Show. Also
check out her podcast Childish with another past guest on
this show, Greg Fitzsimmons. But right now we're talking to Alison.
Speaker 2: Well. Hello, Alison, welcome to Drunkish. Hello, thank you for
having me.
Speaker 1: Stephanie Well, no, thank you for coming on here. I've
been chasing you.
Speaker 2: I have.
Speaker 3: I'm usually not someone who plays hard to get guest wise,
my life has been crazy recently. Not to spend too
much time talking about it because it is depressing, but
my mom passed away in December kind of suddenly, and
my dad had died a year and a half four
So my whole life for the last six months has
or actually five months. I was been thinking of it
as six months, but it's five months. Has just been
settling the estate, which is like a full time job.
Someone had said that to me, it's like forty hours
of work a week, and I thought it can't be,
but it is.
Speaker 2: So that's in my life.
Speaker 3: So apologies for how long it took to get me here.
Speaker 2: I am and I'm yours.
Speaker 1: Yes, and I remember because I have done your podcast
several times. You've done my podcast. We have a I
don't want to say a storied history, but so my
podcast for Crying Out Loud with Lynette Corolla. You were
the newsgirl for Lynette's ex husband Adam Carolla's podcast for
many years, many years, eight years, right, four four years?
Four years?
Speaker 3: Yea, it sometimes felt like eight, but it was four. Yeah,
But then, how long have you been on your own?
So I went my separate ways from them in uh,
December twenty fourteen, so I would say I started on
my own like the very it was like Christmas, Christmas time,
or like December twenty ninth or something is when it
all went down. So since January of twenty fifteen, God,
it's been ten years.
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, that, isn't there razy? Yeah? Time
it flies.
Speaker 3: Time is so confusing though, because in some ways things
that were ten years ago feel like yesterday. But then
I've had two children since then, and they're eight and
six now. And then when I think back to when
Elliott was one, you know, that feels like a long
time ago. So it feels just did.
Speaker 1: And I remember when you first came and did for
crying out loud many years ago, when you were kind
of new on Adam's podcast and you had even I
think you were just dating Daniel, your Husbandly you guys
were just dating, because I remember relating to you about
kind of anxious attachment like you were having some anxiety
about like, I.
Speaker 2: Don't know, is this guy too nice? Do you remember that? No?
Speaker 3: Not, I don't specific I'm trying to remember that appearance.
It will come to me. I don't specifically remember that.
Speaker 1: However, very early in your yeah, life's journey.
Speaker 2: Right, I know.
Speaker 3: Well, so I had always, always, always been unlucky in love.
Speaker 2: I had not had a lot of relationships.
Speaker 3: I was always infatuated or obsessed with a guy.
Speaker 2: I would go on a couple you know.
Speaker 3: The minute I liked someone, then it was you know,
I was obsessed with them. And every conversation I had
with my friends, I'm paining myself in such an unflattering light.
Speaker 2: Well, hey, it's drunkish, you know what I mean. Every
conversation I had with my friends was like and then
he said this, and then I said this, and then
he said this. What do you think it means? You know? Uh,
it was just all about.
Speaker 3: Trying to convince myself that this person wasn't losing interest
in me. And then with Daniel, things were just so different.
It was just so easy from the beginning. So maybe
I was questioning that, Oh.
Speaker 1: You were definitely questioning it, and I was I remember
relating to about sort of like my husband because I
am similar to you.
Speaker 2: Is that I do you feel like that's all.
Speaker 1: Part of addiction, anxiety, OCD, some kind of brain fixation. Well,
I have a similar I'm very similar.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean I definitely have an addictive personality and I
can be really compulsive with the behaviors and things like that,
which I do think has gotten better, you know, over
the years. But for me, I think it was a
lack of self esteem. It was a lack of any
sense as relates to men, a lack of any sense
that like I have value, Like I'm someone that people
would want to be their girlfriend and that people like,
and that I can say, hey, I don't like how
that makes me feel. I would like to be with
someone who makes me feel better. Those kind of that
way of thinking, those kind of thoughts were probably like
gently introduced by my first therapist, and it was like
you're speaking another language to me, Like I had never
seen that modeled in my home, and I'm sure that
I had heard friends speak like that, but they were
you know, cute, hot, perky blonde girls, and I was
this chunky, awkward, like nerdy, frizzy haired girl who didn't
fit in, who desperately wanted to be.
Speaker 2: Liked desperately What was your home life like?
Speaker 3: So it was confusing in a lot of ways. I
would I'm gonna answer this in a roundabout way. I
would find myself relating to people that had a really
rough home life and absent father, parents divorced, you know,
I would bond with them over like we both are
making these poor decisions with men. But the weird thing
is I had quote unquote the perfect parents. I had
perfect parents who had been together for many, many years.
So why was I also like that? And then I decided, Oh,
it must be because I spent most of my life
as a young person overweight.
Speaker 2: Maybe that's what it is.
Speaker 3: That's why I'd never developed this like sense of self
or sense of self esteem.
Speaker 2: And as I've gotten older, I understand a little more.
But like, so you said you were heavy when you
were a kid, like like, oh.
Speaker 3: For real or that's just how you felt? No, for real,
I was the fat kid. I was like the pediatrician. Well,
it's funny because things have changed, you know, so back then,
I don't I do think things have changed. Back then,
I was the fat kid. And it was a problem.
Now I think there are you know, you see more
body types, and I don't know that it would have
been I don't know that I would have been like
the only one who looked like that.
Speaker 2: I wasn't humongous or anything like that.
Speaker 3: It's funny, I'm trying to use like a non offensive word,
and I think I just chose a terrible one.
Speaker 2: I mean, I was definitely overweight, and.
Speaker 3: The pediatrician had like recommended to my mom sending me
to a fat camp, but then my dad didn't want
me to feel like anything was wrong with me, so
they didn't do that. I don't think they handled my
weight well. That being said, I don't really I thought
a lot about this, Like I don't know the right
way to handle it, to not make your kid have
all sorts of complexes, which I did have, Like you know, mo,
I definitely as much as my dad, on the one hand,
wanted to give me the message that there's nothing wrong
with you. You're perfect, like and that was a message
I got. You're perfect, You're perfect, and if anyone ever
has an issue with you, that's a them problem, which
is a little bit not really setting your kid up
for living in reality like at all but sweet sort
of nonetheless. So that was one message was you're perfect
and if anyone says anything bad about you, they're fucked up.
And I think it was like, you're perfect because you're
my child, and I'm perfect. You're an extension of me.
And then on the other hand, I definitely felt like
my weight is a problem. It is causing my parents anxiety.
If I don't get it under control, I'm bad. I'm
good when i'm dieting, I'm good when i'm small, and
I'm bad when i'm eating, and I'm bad when i'm fat.
And my dad would periodically pull me aside and be
like just and I just thought you would want to
know that you look like you're gaining weight.
Speaker 2: Oh gosh.
Speaker 3: Then when I was like thirty, was in my thirties,
I was living in New York and he said to me,
He's like, you've got to get the weight off. My
dad was a doctor. He was a doctor, so he
had that thing of like the health thing. It's like,
all like, what can I do to help? I'll do anything.
And I said, okay, pay for me to join it
bug in here, pay for me to join a gym
and pay.
Speaker 2: For me to go to weight watchers.
Speaker 3: And they did, and it actually, weirdly it worked because
I understand that, or rather I didn't work long term,
but I understand the way like that sounds so cutting
to have your father say you got to get the
weight off, but it was, like I think, it was
like you got to get it off.
Speaker 2: You can't.
Speaker 3: This can't be a long term plan for you to
be carrying this extra weight around because it's not good
for your health, was where he was coming from. Whether
one agrees with that or not. By the way, my
no my therapist is she's like, fathers should never comment
on their daughter's bodies.
Speaker 2: Shocked right, Yeah, that's yeah. And I was just so
used to it.
Speaker 3: So anyway though, but then I did go to weight
watchers and I did start going to the gym, and
I did lose a bunch of weight and I kept
it off in this real white knuckly way though, like
I was. I mean, I wasn't binging and purging, and
I wasn't anorexic, but all the other kinds of disordered
eating you can have, I was doing all of those.
Speaker 2: And did you do that for years.
Speaker 1: When you were young, Like, did you I went on
a lot of US girls, a lot of US alcoholic
girlies start out with eating disorders.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well super typical.
Speaker 3: Yes, I was engaging in very disordered eating and trying
to control and a s regarding putting things in my
body as a form of escape from a very young age.
Speaker 2: And then when did you start drinking? So I had
my first drink.
Speaker 3: I got a friend who lived up the street, and
she was a very cool and very popular and she
let in like it was like via her, I sort
of got a peek into how the other side lives.
Speaker 2: And so I think we.
Speaker 3: Sneak beers from her parents and then we like went
outside and drank them. I don't think that I got
I didn't get drunk at that point. That was probably
when I was like, let's say thirteen or fourteen, twelve thirteen, No,
thirteen or fourteen, And that's when I had my first
cigarette too. But I remember feeling this like kind of
almost like a popping sensation in the back of my
head that I associate with a little bit of a buzz.
And then I remember reading that when you drink it
like bet cells, which our brain cell are like being destroyed,
and I'm like, is that what I'm feeling back there?
So we would have SIPs of alcohol, and then my
parents had a liquor like liquor cart that was open,
and so on my own I started experimenting with like
I'd take the triple sack and i'd you know, pour
it into a garfield literally a garfield mug and then
pour seven diet seven up into it and try that.
But I don't think I really got drunk drunk that
was most It was really just experimenting. I remember going
to a party when I was fifteen or so and
I didn't really know how to drink, so I took
a can of doctor pepper and poured half of it
out and then filled up the other half with vodka
and was drinking that. But again, I don't recall feeling drunk, Like,
I don't think I started getting drunk until college.
Speaker 2: Okay, college changed everything.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, so that's when I started it. Similarly,
like I remember thinking, am I hungover? I guess I
feel a little bit thirsty, And then of course, like
when I you know it hit the age is when
I was living in New York, where I'm like, oh no,
this is what hangover feels like.
Speaker 2: Now I know what it feels like.
Speaker 3: I think young people, many of them, like the way
your body processes that you just don't don't feel drunk.
Speaker 2: So yeah, I started drink.
Speaker 3: I smoked pot a little bit in high school, like
a tiny bit. But college was really a lot of
drinking and a lot of getting high.
Speaker 2: But I don't think I saw it as.
Speaker 3: A problem yet, right What really made me see it
as a problem was the way it affected my interactions
with men. And honestly, if if my interactions with men
were in one pool and my substance use was in another,
I don't think that I would have ever thought the
substances were a problem because for me, it was never like,
oh my god, I can't wait to go out and
get drunk. Oh my god, I can't wait to go
out and do drugs.
Speaker 2: Maybe a little bit.
Speaker 3: It wasn't about it was what started happening was I
was repeatedly making bad decisions where men were concerned.
Speaker 2: And what that looks.
Speaker 3: Like is there'd be a guy that I really liked,
maybe we hooked up. Now I was infatuated with him,
it became clear that he was not interested in what
I was interested in, or he was he ghosted me,
or he you know, was here sometimes here sometimes the
kind of thing where your girlfriends are like, let that
one go. Like he's like like a friend of mine
literally said about a different guy. That's the kind of
guy you have a crush on. That's not the kind
of guy you want to be your boyfriend. I was like,
what book.
Speaker 2: Are you all reading? He has this information?
Speaker 3: Because I to me, I want them all to be
my boyfriend if they're if they joke with me and
flirt with.
Speaker 2: Me, I don't understand. Even if they're married. I want
them to be my boyfriend. Even though I know that's wrong,
I can't help it.
Speaker 3: I'm addicted to male attention. So I would say I'm
not gonna text that guy. I'm not gonna text him
like I as painful. At that point, I'd been around enough.
I know it fucking sucks to say. I'm not gonna
do this anymore, even though I I'm so into this guy.
He like lights me up, but it's just gonna cause
heartache down the line. So I'm gonna steer myself over here,
and I'm gonna focus on my job, and I'm gonna
focus on working out, and I'm gonna focus on whatever
bullshit I was focusing on, and I'm gonna get over him.
I would make that announcement to myself, to my sister
who I lived with at the time, to my friends therapist,
probably over and over and over, and then I would
have a drink and then I would text the guy
and then maybe I'll go home with him, or maybe
I would just sit there looking at my phone all night.
And that happened over and over and over and over.
And it was always because I had a drink, Like
I don't. I really never thought my drinking itself was problematic,
but it was this constellation of behavior. But also I
was a real lightweight, so was I was like a
embarrassing sloppy drunk. I was constantly throwing up.
Speaker 2: I just.
Speaker 3: I remember this in college, like sitting This is like
the second or third party we were at. I was
sitting on an automan or something like trying to sit
up straight, like my eyes were crossing, and this guy
that I liked was there, and I remember thinking like,
I wonder if he can tell I'm drunk, Like I
couldn't even sit up, you know, I you know, at
a certain point, I was like, easy to drive drunk.
I used to never ever do that, But then I realized, like,
not hard at all, So you know, I was making
stupid decisions.
Speaker 1: I felt like when I was young, I drove drunk
a lot, and uh, I I want to say, like, hey,
the rules weren't as but of course I knew better
than to drive drunk. I'm sure I of course knew,
But I also remember thinking like driving high no way,
like I'm horrible but drunk, yeah, like I'm still fully
in control. Like My thing was that I just never
felt like I was drunk right up until like I
flew up or knew until the next day when I
was really hungover, and then I was like yeah no,
or woke up the next day and didn't remember then.
Speaker 2: I had a lot of those too, But.
Speaker 1: At the time of the night, I don't remember ever
being like, oh my god. I was not a girl
that was like I'm so drunk.
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 1: You know, if people were like are you okay, I
was like, wow, why would you even ask me that?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: Fine, I justified it. So when I lived in Costa
Mesa after college, there was this bar that we all
hung out.
Speaker 2: I mean, it was a very fun time of life.
And it was I don't know how many blocks from
our apartment.
Speaker 3: You know, it probably took like four minutes to drive there,
so I wasn't going on the freeway or anything, or
maybe five minutes, but it was a short drive. But
I can remember like sitting holding the steering wheel and squinting,
like trying to see straight. I remember driving Shutter Commerce Casino.
I used to go there, drink, play poker, play like
dollar poker with my friend, and then I would drive
home in my Buick Skyhawk that had no AC and
with one eye. I remember covering it, having to cover
one eye.
Speaker 2: It's crazy. Okay, so they're lucky. We're very lucky. So
then you graduate, you finished college, and you is out.
Then you moved to New York. No.
Speaker 3: I finished college. I went back to Orange County, which
is where, excuse me, where i'd grown up, and I
was working for the OC Weekly.
Speaker 2: I was a writer.
Speaker 3: I was working for the OCI Weekly, and I was
playing in a band. And playing in a band was
this thing that like came kind of came out of nowhere.
I'd always been musical and I wrote about music, and
then I met via a mutual friend. I met a
girl at a party and she knew that I had
started playing drums. And she called me like a month
before I graduated, and she said that she had started
playing bass. What I want to get together and jam sometimes?
She wants to put together a band, And I said, like,
that sounds fun, you know, let me just graduate and
then I'll give you a calls. So I called her
that summer and then we got together, and I don't
think I realized that this was ever going to be
a real band. Our singer had been in a band before,
but Yami, that's our bass player, and I don't think
she had ever been in a band.
Speaker 2: Had not.
Speaker 3: And then we would go to this practice space and
we would practice, and then one day she announced, like,
we have a show lined up. What I skipped over
a small part of it, which is I was playing drums.
Speaker 2: I was a beginner.
Speaker 3: I was not a good drum player, and I was fine,
but I wasn't like John Bonham, let's say, by any stretch.
I announced that I was moving to San Francisco because
I thought I was I went to San Francisco, spent
a couple nights in the apartment that I was going
to move into like it was a friend from college's
aunt's apartment. Suddenly, when I was there, I was like,
I don't think this is the right move for me.
So I pulled out of the apartment, came back, went
back to the band and was like, hey, guys, I
didn't move. They had a different drummer at that point,
and he was really good, and they're like, but we
know you play guitar. Do you want to play guitar
in the band? And I said, okay, that was way
more fun. I wasn't stuck behind a thing. I didn't
have to move any equipment. So then I started playing
in the band and working at the OC weekly and
I did that for how many years?
Speaker 2: I guess.
Speaker 3: I a handful of years, maybe like five years have
been five years.
Speaker 2: I know that it. I know that. At one point
I was like, it's crazy.
Speaker 3: This has become like the most steady thing in my
life and I never intended to do this. It created
a little bit of tension because half of the band,
they're professional musicians. They wanted to make it work, like
this is what they wanted to do, and then there
was me who's like, no, I'm a writer.
Speaker 2: I'm just kind of doing this for fun. I don't
know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3: That being said, it was really fun. Right before nine
to eleven, I so September sixth, two thousand and one,
I made the decision I'm going to move to New York.
Speaker 2: And then nine to eleven happened, and I thought, well,
maybe I won't just yet. But then in it's like
I moved from like March through May, like I moved
to New York.
Speaker 3: And by that I mean like I think, I like
went found a place and back got more stuff. So
then I did move in two thousand and two and
was there until twenty ten.
Speaker 1: Because I remember from talking to you on different times
that we've talked New York, you were working as a writer, right, yes,
and that's when you started doing cocaine.
Speaker 2: Yes, So I grew up with the Dare program. Did
you have Dare? Of course we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it were and it worked on me.
Speaker 3: It sets you up for so many situations that don't happen.
Like I was, I did not experience a lot of
peer pressure in my life. I mean maybe I did,
and I'm not aware of it. But this thing where
like people are cornering you, trying to make you do
drugs like that had never really happened to me. That. Okay,
so here's the weird thing, and I will get to
what you're saying. But the entire time I played in
the band, I hadn't literally never seen cocaine.
Speaker 2: I had never seen it. A couple friends of mine
were they were doing it.
Speaker 3: And it really really freaked me out because I had
read that book, the Sweet Valley High Book where Regina
Morrow tries it once and then has a heart attack.
That is what I was afraid of. And like my
dad had had a heart not cocaine and related at all.
My dad had experienced a heart attack, and I was like,
I've lived.
Speaker 2: Through my dad's heart attack. I will not live through yours.
Like you will not do that around me. I was
so incensed.
Speaker 3: I was like appalled and incensed that they would even
think of doing street drugs around me. My god, how
stupid can you be? I was very on my high horse.
Speaker 2: Uh huh, oh god. A friend of mine became kind
of addicted to.
Speaker 3: Valium and he was trying to get valuum and I
was just like, I can't be around you in your life.
You know, I was very It was very clear to
me that like, this is not for me. And then
what a hypocrite I became when I realized that I
enjoyed cooked and would like to get some.
Speaker 2: So yeah, New York was.
Speaker 3: Really where I did the bulk of my experimentation, and
I kind of think experimenting in high school, when most
people do it is maybe better because if you're twenty
seven trying all these things for the first time, there
aren't those guardrails there to prevent you from like going off.
Not that I went off the deep end, but still
I've just thought a lot about what it means that
I was twenty seven and I was like doing all
the teenage experimentation, but.
Speaker 2: Very very afraid of cocaine.
Speaker 3: I had not done anything except for Pott and a
friend of mine was in town for a music festival
and I knew that. I kind of remember when I
discovered that he dabbled in cocaine. He had come to
LA and I was like, very judgmental of him. I
think someone handed him some and I was like, you
will not do that around me. I was very judgmental
about it. And then we were I was out with
him and his friend who I had a crush on,
and I was very drunk, and I think they asked
if I wanted to try it, and I said okay,
And it was these two older guys like treating me
so tenderly. I mean, I think he like, I don't
know if you had held out a key under my nose.
It was like at a club we were watching a
band and he like, you know, okay, now sniff, And
I felt like I glowed. I mean, I think that
I was so scared and maybe what is what I
said last time.
Speaker 2: I was so afraid of it.
Speaker 3: So the fact that I didn't die right away was
the was a bigger rush than the drug, you know,
and so and then I was just like all about it.
I I felt like I had like this, like found
a new room in your house. It was like something
like this. I loved the I loved them, loved the
fellowship in the community around cocaine. I loved the idea
of being somewhere and you guys like there's a little
group of you and you're doing the drug together, and
you're gonna like go into a bathroom together. And then
in the same way that I liked smoking, because you
could like take a smoke break with someone.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Money is that I have kind of the opposite thing.
One of the things that really put me off cocaine
was the fact that I always felt excluded because it
was like if I if I got a little bit
of cocaine, but then these I knew, those other people
were going into a bathroom together to do cocaine, and
I was like, huh, how.
Speaker 2: Come I'm not invited?
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, I felt like I always felt paranoid that
people were sneaking around and doing it without me, And
it was such an intense bad feeling of just I
don't understand who those people not like me. They're not
sharing it with me, and now I have to figure
out how to make them like me more.
Speaker 2: It was like it seemed like too much work to
get it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well that sounds awful. That sounds awful, But you're
so good.
Speaker 2: Are you? I guess?
Speaker 3: Well, honestly, I think I was probably excluded a lot.
I just wasn't dialed into that frequency. I didn't realize
how everywhere it probably was. I mean, it was really
everywhere in New York, right and bars are open. So
once I started dabbling in cocaine. That's when my drinking
also like went through the roof because bars are open
till four am. And at the beginning when I was
just doing a little drinking, like how are you guys
powering through till four How are you not throwing up
or falling asleep? And it's like, oh, because so many
people are doing cocaine, And so then I would like
have I don't know, so many drinks in a night,
and then I would come home and I'd be really
nervous that I was going to have a heart attack
or like I couldn't. I couldn't make peace with what
I had done. I felt I was my parents were
such a big force in my psyche and a big
part of my life, and I knew that if they
knew that I had done cocaine, they would be so
scared and so like I felt like this was like
the ultimate transgression kind of so I think I just
I couldn't. I was so ashamed and I felt like
I had committed.
Speaker 2: A crime and this is bad and like I'm a.
Speaker 3: Bad person and I have the fact, you know, like
I'm squandering this gift, this gift being my life, Like
I I'm lucky to I don't know where this is
coming from exactly. It wasn't like I had a religious
upbringing at all, and it wasn't like, you know, you
have one precious life or anything. But still well, but
that is what I mean, that is what I believe
if you have one life. So it was just like,
what am I doing playing so fast and loose with
my safety and with my health? So I would come
home and I'd be freaked out, and then to quiet
that I would eat. So I'm probably the only person
in the world who started doing cocaine and gained weight,
but I did because I was drinking so much, and
then I would like eat a lot because I felt
weird and unhealthy.
Speaker 2: How old are you at this point?
Speaker 3: That's probably like twenty seven, okay, seven twenty eight, So.
Speaker 1: You're twenty seven. You're working as a writer. Were you
a music reviewer? I forgot what?
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I was working at Timeout in New York, right, correct? Wait,
you are right about yourself. No, I'm not, I'm wrong. Actually.
Speaker 3: Oh, when the first couple of years I was in
New York, I was freelance and this happened before I
started my full time time out New York job. So
I was freelance, but I was writing about music, and
that is when I tried cocaine for the first time.
Speaker 2: And so now you're doing it bunch.
Speaker 1: Of cocaine, you're drinking, you're eating, and are you also
kind of low key?
Speaker 2: Also men? Yes, So you're having all.
Speaker 1: Of those things at the same time and you can't
figure out which, I feel like is a common thing.
Speaker 2: What is wrong with me? Right? Why am I like this?
It's not the cocaine.
Speaker 1: It's not the drinking, it's not the eating, it's not
the I just I'm unlucky. I just don't feel good.
Why am I unhappy?
Speaker 2: Right? Yeah? Or were you?
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 3: How much I at that point, how much self awareness
I had. I don't think that I had this overall
sense that my patterns are causing misery to myself.
Speaker 2: More it was just.
Speaker 3: If I could just get the kind of job that
I want, which was like a full time writing job
at one of these magazines, not Time Out New York incidentally,
I you know, I wanted to be at like Entertainment
Weekly or a Rolling Stone or Vanity Fair or something like that.
If I could get that job, then everything would be good.
If that if this guy likes me back, then I'll
be happy. If you know, it was always it was
always like if something just happens, then I'll be okay.
I didn't really didn't. I had a really immature sense
of myself at that point.
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 1: You were only twenty seven though.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you. Some people haven't figured out by them though,
which is wild. I did?
Speaker 1: Who?
Speaker 3: Who?
Speaker 2: What made me do this?
Speaker 3: I went to an NA meeting?
Speaker 2: So narcotics anonymous?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 2: Huh? Have you ever been to one? No? I haven't.
Speaker 3: I don't know if we're not supposed to talk about
this stuff, but we can't talk.
Speaker 2: About it, okay.
Speaker 1: I've decided that our anonymity is like what you make
of it.
Speaker 2: We don't represent.
Speaker 1: We're not here to promote or represent any group of
any kind, including therapy.
Speaker 2: I wish I could remember what.
Speaker 3: Made me decide to go or who, because NA is
in my experience, I haven't been in one NA meeting.
NA is a wildly different crowd than AA. Like AA,
you'll and it obviously like depends on the location and
d right AA, you run into a lot of people
like yourself NA like these are my one experience. Oh
my gosh, this is a room full of people that
if I saw them on the subway, I would be
afraid of them. These are like hardcore drug addicts who
would laugh at my tiny bit of cocaine use.
Speaker 2: And they all look scary, and.
Speaker 3: They're hugging me me and making me feel better, which
was really kind of beautiful and moving. So I had
decided I had, even though there were not yet any repercussions,
and they're so here's the sorry. I'm gonna choose one
of these sentences and finish it. Here's the weird thing
with the cocaine and me. I grew up on after
school specials, DARE program all of that. I never had
a nosebleed. I never lost all my money, I never
lost my job. I never nothing bad happened that I
could trace to cocaine. I probably acted foolish and embarrassed
and embarrassed myself and wasn't discreet, like I know that
people around me knew what was happening, and so I
think I looked whatever negative thing you would ascribe to
someone who's like being a drug seeking or drug using
in public, and I feel icky about that. But other
than that like I did not have a bottom, there
was no bottom, but I myself felt so guilty about it,
and so like, this is not who I am, This
is not what I should be doing. If Mom and
Dad knew, they would be horrified. This is bad, you know,
there's so much shame. I on my own was like,
I have got I have to stop doing this, Like
this is not okay. So that's when I went to
that NA meeting and.
Speaker 2: Just stopped. I just stopped it, and.
Speaker 3: I was able to stay stopped. I don't remember the
time interval, but this was the time of Friendster and
MySpace and this is just the cocaine though at this point, right,
you're still drinking yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no'pe be, So
of course I was gonna say yeah yeah. I can't
remember where this guy hit me up. I don't know
if it was on a dating site or if it
was on MySpace or friends. But anyway, this guy, this
cute guy, asked me out and we went out and
he mentioned cocaine and I said, oh, I don't do that,
and I don't know anymore.
Speaker 2: Yeah exactly, ex he's me and either.
Speaker 3: That night or the next time I went out with him,
we were in the bathroom doing it together, and then
I was right back where I was, So that was
a bit of a data point, like a oh interesting,
I had a plan to not do something, and here's
this guy and now I'm doing it.
Speaker 2: So that's weird.
Speaker 3: But it was that same thing, that same sort of
like intoxicating fun of you know, sneaking into the bathroom
and then him kissing me and pulling out a little baggie.
And I think I was lonely. I think I was lonely,
and I think I wanted connection. I have often thought
that this is I don't know how to say this
without it sounding really weird, but I think the reason
that I wanted intimacy was that I wanted to be
like held and cherished like a baby. And don't I
don't mean that in a twisted way of like I
have a baby being a baby fetish or anything. I
just mean like, I think that I have a lot
of wounding around not having unconditional maternal arguably paternal as
well love, and I think that is what I was
seeking with men, even though I did wasn't aware of it.
And so when a guy would be tender and sweet
and intimate with me and then disappear. I think it
like triggered all that old stuff of like I have
to win him back, I have to be.
Speaker 1: Good, I have to win him back or and I
feel like you had had this too. But sometimes, and
I mean from an early age, you know, like in
high school, it was like really pining for guys with girlfriends,
you know, for me. And it's not that I wanted
to like be the other woman, it's that I wanted
the guy. I just I think I wanted to like somebody,
but it was less threatening if they weren't going to
actually have to be my boyfriend.
Speaker 2: One hundred percent. One hundred percent.
Speaker 3: I think that is why I found when a guy
would come on strong but had someone in his life
that coming on strong was so appealing because there was
no real.
Speaker 2: Intent behind it.
Speaker 3: Yes, if someone like Daniel, let's say, had had met
me before I was ready to to be with someone
in a real way, I wouldn't I wouldn't find it
appealing at all.
Speaker 2: I would have scared.
Speaker 3: It would have been like, well, in my mind, I
just would have been like I'm not I'm not interested
in that guy.
Speaker 2: You know. It didn't it was too much. I didn't
really want to be seen.
Speaker 3: I wanted to be occasionally seen by someone who didn't
really want to be with me.
Speaker 2: Same.
Speaker 1: But then also like, one of the things that was
really difficult for me, I think is I like to
think of myself as like a nice person, as a
good person. But I do remember, you know, years before
I got sober, before I met my husband, liking somebody
who was married and feeling like like that pining feeling,
that old pining feeling.
Speaker 2: And then he did.
Speaker 1: They were he got separated and we dated for a while,
and it was a fucking nightmare. I mean, it was
just like what a what like is this on me?
And he was really like a messed up person too,
And it was a really awful experience, and I just
felt and my behavior was so bad, and I just
felt like, wow, this drinking is making me. I feel
like I'm behaving way beneath my moral compass.
Speaker 2: Yes, I know what you mean.
Speaker 1: And I just felt so like this isn't me, Like
what am I doing? And how do I fix it
and get myself together? Yeah, And that's one of those behaviors.
Speaker 3: What's one of the things I learned about relationships is
that if you find yourself acting in ways around someone
that you don't like, like, that's a red flag, you know,
if they're bringing whether it's you or them or who
you know. I don't mean to assign blamed either party,
but like, if someone is bringing behavior out in you
that you don't like, you know why.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But so anyway, I I am. I probably did tell
you I ended up sleeping with a married man. This
was later, so I had you know, I had dabbled
with cocaine, stopped, went back to it, stopped again, and
then kind I remember at what point I stopped drinking
or started to stop drinking. I there was a different
Oh okay, so there was a different guy cocaine was involved.
He is someone who I think to this day probably
is still addicted.
Speaker 2: Brilliant, funny, talented.
Speaker 3: Just has a really bad addiction problem, the kind of
thing where everyone who cares about.
Speaker 2: Him is like, how is he still alive? You know.
Speaker 3: It's scary, very smart, very charming, fun guy. And we
were friends, and then we were working together, and then
we were dating a little bit. This is one of
those guys that I became infatuated with. I knew that
he wasn't right for me. He didn't wasn't interested in
me in that way, and I I had so much
trouble extricating myself. I remember, so he worked at magazines.
I was hanging out with his friend group who were
I was friendly with them too. It was this group
of writers in New York, and they partied in a
way that I just hadn't seen before, where they would
begin drinking right after work and then like on the weekends,
they would start drinking in the morning at brunch. And
I felt like I would I would die if I
tried to keep up with them, even though I did
keep up with them a little bit, no spending time
with him and that involved cocaine and drinking.
Speaker 2: I took a quiz I think.
Speaker 3: I was like, I think they might be alcoholic, so
you take a quiz for them, you know, let's diagnose
these people.
Speaker 2: Right, I guess.
Speaker 3: Yeah. There was like maybe on the AA websit or something,
there's a quiz and you take it. And I was
just trying to get more information on like what is
an alcoholic because they have a problem. But I I
know that at the end it was like if you
and I. But I took it from my you know,
I answered as myself. And at the end it's like,
if you have if you've answered you know, more than two,
let's say, gave yes answers to more than two, you
may have a problem and might benefit from going to it.
Let I don't know that it's this something like that.
And I was like, oh, that's weird. I write it
says in my book.
Speaker 1: Okay, basically it's if you answer yes to because I
took it and I answered, so I mean I got
a lot of them, right, yeah, you know right when
I did too.
Speaker 2: But I was feeling kind of good about myself because
I and I, like.
Speaker 1: I said, I wrote about this's a whole chapter about
this about how I thought I was kind of better
than the tees.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Because I was like, well, okay, this one I said
yes to, but like everybody would say yes to that,
like that's crazy, like we've all done that.
Speaker 2: And then I eat a couple, so I ended up
with like two.
Speaker 1: And a half yes's, and I was feeling very good
at myself about myself, you know, and then I have.
Speaker 3: Such a low number certainly, oh, like you're definitely winning, right,
And then it was like, if you answer yes to
one of yes, you may there might be a problem.
Speaker 1: And if you answer yes to two or more like,
you have a problem. And I was like, how dare you?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: And I know me and I was in my.
Speaker 1: Twenties and I quit drinking at forty two, so okay, yeah,
I think I maybe answer crazy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I answered yes to four or something.
I'm like, oh shit. And then I also remember I
was starting to order different drinks because I was drinking
them too fast. So I'm like, I know what I'll do.
I'll figure out a drink that I hate the taste
of and then I'll order that. And then I had
this awareness that like, well that sounds like I'm trying
to manage my drinking.
Speaker 2: Hmmm.
Speaker 3: And then I went to a park. It was a
time out New York function with an open bar, you
know people, it's not people were drinking, but I was
on my way there. I remember walking there and I
remember saying I'm not going to drink tonight. It was
Wednesday or something like, I am not going to drink tonight,
and then walking home being like I had two drinks,
Like what happened? And even though you're not supposed to
go to a meeting when you have, you know, a
substance in you. I went to an AA meeting that night.
It was a few hours later, but.
Speaker 2: I totally go to an A. I think you're not
supposed to.
Speaker 1: Just to let our listeners know, if you want to
go to an AA meeting and you're you've been drinking,
it's perfectly fine. They some meetings would prefer that you
don't share if you've been drinking.
Speaker 2: Maybe that's what they say.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, I just remember some clause about like if
you've been drinking or using, yeah, maybe don't share. But
was that my first ever A because I had also
gone to OA. I was eating a salad one night.
This is many years before. No, it's not many years before.
This was after Okay, No, the OA came after.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to listen to this podcast back and
just build you a timeline and say thank you please.
Speaker 2: I'm so confused.
Speaker 3: Anyway, Yeah, I was eating a salad and I was like,
I wish this salad bowl would never end. And I
was like, that doesn't that sounds like a disorder. Thought,
I'm like, I'm gonna explore OA anyway. No, AA came first. Yeah,
I went to a meeting, and I've been to OA two,
so don't Yeah, okay, once again, the people were so
nice and so welcoming and gave me their phone number
and made me feel less alone. And I don't know
if it was after that. I know there was one
where I was talking to a woman there and she
talked about well, she said something like, well, they don't
have the compulsive behaviors, and that kind of lit something
up positive or make something make sense in my brain,
because I think I still had that thing of like, well,
I'm not falling down drunk while I was growing up
in a lot of planters in New York and embarrassing myself, But.
Speaker 2: Like, I'm not.
Speaker 3: I don't have a I don't I never drink alone.
I don't have a bottle of you know, vodka tucked
behind the toilet, or all these things you see in
representations of alcoholism. I don't really think the amount I'm
drinking is a problem. I don't need to drink. I
don't drink alone, I don't drink during the day, I
don't all these things. Then it's like it's really not
about that, it's about for the way she described it
was like, it's the compulsive behaviors that are the problem.
And my behaviors were certainly compulsive, and certainly the more
I tried, you know, just trying to stop somethinged this
reaction inside me of like, well, you can't tell me
what to do? Me, yes, I this back and forth
and feeling kind of forgotten about this struggle inside me
of like and this would go back to trying, you know,
restricting with food, like.
Speaker 2: You can't have that.
Speaker 3: Well, now I feel punished and I feel bad and
I feel unloved and fuck you, yes I can have that.
And this just internal battle over something as simple as
just not having a drink.
Speaker 1: So you go to the meeting, Yes, you've had a
couple drinks in you.
Speaker 3: Yes, go to the meeting. And then I started going
more frequently. I don't think I did the ninety and
ninety thing, which is where you go every single day
for ninety but I went.
Speaker 2: For a while and you stop drinking.
Speaker 3: I stopped drinking. Yes, I stopped drinking. Do you do
the work No? No, I never And do the work
means do the steps.
Speaker 2: Where you like involved? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm a program person, but I'm not hardcore yeah,
I'm nobody's example of like a big book thumper. I
consider myself a bit atheist. For me, I love to like,
I would love to say that I'm agnostic because that
sounds better and it sounds like I'm searching, But like,
I just don't know that I've ever felt this.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I feel a little.
Speaker 1: More spiritually connected, and I feel better when I'm being better.
You know, when I act better, I feel better, So
that to me, there's sort of but I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't think you Yeah, I don't feel like you
have to you know, I don't think you have to
believe in it, truly believes.
Speaker 2: I've been sober sixteen years, and I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't ever feel like I really relate to like
the spiritual aspect when people talk a lot about God.
Speaker 2: I do now, but I still works for me. Yeah.
By the work, what I mean is like really examining.
Speaker 1: But you also were in therapy and well, when you
say you do the work steps, I mean, yeah, I
mean figure out, write down, work with a sponsor, write down,
here's all the ways that alcohol makes my life has
made my life unmanageable. And then go and then do
a fourth step, which is write down all my resentments,
all the things that I'm holding onto, all the patterns
you know that usually come out when you talk about resentments,
look at my character defects.
Speaker 2: Go oh, I drop the rock. Yeah, I forgot what
that even really means. But like have I forget? It's
a it's one of the you read that.
Speaker 1: Book at one of the steps like look at look
at my ego and my motives in certain behaviors, and
then you know, try to and then make amends. I
did a lot of work with like even though and
most people that listen to this know that I haven't
spoken to my some members of my family in quite
a few years. But I did do work around it,
Like I wrote letters and I did that I didn't
send and I like with my father who passed away,
my biological father had a lot of anger, and I
really wrote a letter to him and just just to see, like,
is there any of this that could be on my side?
Speaker 2: Right, you know? And and it it really helped. It
helped me. Yeah, it's not for everybody, but anyway, but
you didn't do that stuff. No, I didn't do the
steps I did do.
Speaker 3: I began to do the steps with a sponsor later
in oak living in California. Yeah, and I think I
got to what is the fifth? I know I made
an inventory. The fifth is when you read your inventory.
Speaker 2: Oh, then I did that one. What's the sixth?
Speaker 1: Sixth is you make you figure out your character defects
and become willing to let them go.
Speaker 3: Basically, that's dropping the rock, I think, And I think
I think I got I was in the midst of
six when I seven.
Speaker 1: As you ask God to remove your character defects. Then
eight is you make a list of all persons you've harmed.
Speaker 2: I don't think I got that far.
Speaker 3: Although this has been come up, this just came up
on my own podcast. I was saying to Daniel, there's
these two apologies that I'm very overdue for, and I
have this sort of weird looping deja vu where I
can't remember if I actually already did these. These are
some things like, for twenty five to the drummer of
my band and my then roommate who at one point
was his girlfriend. I owe both of them an apology
for something separate, separate things, And I can't remember if
I've ever actually given them the apology because it's the
kind of thing where I have the thought so frequently
that I feel like maybe I've like apologized like three
times already, and it's been something where they've been like,
don't worry about it, or they said like, thank you
so much.
Speaker 2: But I realized in.
Speaker 3: The course of that conversation, no, Allison, you have not
made the apology, because if you did, you would remember
how they reacted. But instead I keep talking myself out
of it, like I've already done it. But anyway, this
feeling of like I need to do a little small
apology tour, I was like, this is one of the steps.
Speaker 1: But when I was first gonna do that step, I
was like, I'm gonna start with one that's going to
be pretty easy because it was an old friend of
mine that I knew had also quit drinking. So I
was like, this is going to be a practice one
because this thing I'm gonna apologize for, she's going to
be like, oh my god, I can't believe you're still.
Speaker 2: Holding on to that.
Speaker 1: And I called her and I said, hey, like, can
I talk to you? And then she's like, yeah, is
this about my bachelorette party?
Speaker 2: All this is in your book?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then I was like, uh yeah. She was
like yeah that was that was really hard. That really
hurt my feelings. And I was like, not let you
off the hook, no, as much as you wanted now,
and it was hardcore, like I had to then then
apologize and not make excuses and just like there it
was a whole situation. Read my book Drunkish if you
want to know, but it was I had to just
pull on apologize and just sit there while she was like, yeah,
I really sobbed. I thought it was really selfish, you know,
and I had to go, yeah it was, and then
she said then she did say like I've I have
forgiven you, like I've moved on, but I'm glad you apologized.
Speaker 2: But it's just funny how.
Speaker 1: I made it in my head like you not a
big deals to barely remember.
Speaker 3: That's crazy, similar to how in my mind they would
both be like to forget.
Speaker 2: About bad that's so long I got a or like.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, that means so much that you're saying this,
but don't worry about it. It was so long ago, right,
I'm not I'm not considering the idea that one or
two might be like yeah, that was fucked up, so
I should get.
Speaker 1: Just then you're gonna be like, well you did some
fucked up stuff too, Yeah, totally.
Speaker 3: I mean, lady, I can't remember it, but I'm I
can't remember it, but I'm sure that I had reasons. Yeah,
So no, I not do the steps when I went
to AA. We never actually finished the steps ultimately, but
when I went to AA, just going and sitting in
the room and hearing the things they are said and
listening to everyone's share and sharing myself just that was
so powerful for me and gave me so It showed
me how people deal with compulsive behaviors in their own life,
and that alone was like huge for me.
Speaker 2: Huge. So I was able to quit with just that.
And then there was this guy thing was so fucked up.
Speaker 3: I like he and it seemed like being close to
him would somehow help me career wise. Which given that
that's the case, the fact that what's about what the
story I'm about to tell, the fact that that was
my calculation is so messed up, because it's like, if
it's someone who could potentially help you career wise, you
should be really careful not get drunk and sleep with him.
But I like he was being kind of inappropriate with me.
He was being completely and he had a wife. He
was being completely inappropriate with me. I was like really flattered,
and oh my gosh, he has like a pozi. You know,
he has a position at this company and I would
love to have more opportunity there.
Speaker 2: And again that sort.
Speaker 3: Of naive, very naive, a lot of naivete in thinking
returning the affection of someone who's really I could this
is something I couldn't see that, Like when someone who
has a girlfriend or a wife is flirting with you,
that's disrespectful to you. Actually, that is not you being
so amazing and so special that they are risking their
own marriage because they have just got to talk to you,
which I think I somehow thought, you.
Speaker 2: Know, I wanted to be selected. I wanted to be chosen.
I want to be special. I didn't see that.
Speaker 3: If I didn't see that, when someone really cares about
you in the way that you would hope they do,
there's an entirely different set of behaviors they exhibit.
Speaker 2: That took me a long time because I'd never seen
those behaviors really me too.
Speaker 3: It took me a long time to get to so anyway,
he you know, invites me out and I can tell
myself that there's some work related reason I'm going. And then,
even though I wasn't drinking anymore, I decided this night
is going to require me to go back on my
little thing I'm doing where I'm not drinking and have
a couple of drinks. So I did, and then we
started making out. And I don't know where his wife
was actually, I mean, she was like uptown and I
was downtown, and I don't think she was like because
we did hang out again when she was out of
the state. But he said a few things that made
me realize he probably does this a lot, even though
he was trying to act like he doesn't. Just the
casualness with which he was, you know, going out with
someone else when he's married, was weird. And then he
came home with me. We were making out in a bar,
which is a humiliating and then he came home with
me and then we basically I like fell I fell asleep,
passed out, I don't know what, but like woke up
to us having sex, and then fell asleep again. And
in the I don't know if it was a four
or five, six, I don't know what time it was,
like morning ish. I remember waking up and kind of
remembering what happened and just being like, I that I
feel like I broke a law, Like I feel like
a criminal.
Speaker 2: I feel like I.
Speaker 3: Did something so bad. This was a line I had
never crossed before. I had played with fire a lot,
but I had never been.
Speaker 2: With someone who was married.
Speaker 3: He didn't seem to be bothered by it. And then
I think we hung out one more. We never slept
together again. We hung out one more time, and then
I said like I I can't do this, and that
actually wasn't that hard to extricate myself.
Speaker 2: It just I just knew, like this is just so
bad on every level.
Speaker 3: But at that point I stopped dating for a while
because I was like, I do not trust myself. I
stopped dating. I stopped, you know, recommitted to not drinking.
Drugs weren't really a thing in my life at all anymore.
I was just like, I do not trust myself around men,
and I don't trust myself around substances, and I just
don't trust myself. I need to just give myself a
time out.
Speaker 2: So I did.
Speaker 3: For a while, and then there were a couple of
guys I kind of liked, and I ended up moving
to California, and then I ended up with Danielle never
had a drink around him ever.
Speaker 1: So can I ask you just sort of to bring
this back to like, okay, so, because I really I
really relate to you on so many levels and sometimes
though without something to kind of ground you in, it's
so easy for our brains to go, okay, well, but look,
I haven't had a drink in so long, and now
my behavior is different. So maybe I could drink. Like
what is it? Because you still you still don't drink, right,
you're a sober person. What how do you fight off
the idea that like, but that's the old me, but
like you know, it's somebody healthy, Like, well, I could
have a glass of wine.
Speaker 3: The funny thing is that I say that, like I
say I probably could drink at this point, there's that
saying in AA of like a belly full of beer
and a mind full of AA is about.
Speaker 2: So there were.
Speaker 3: Times when I was going regularly more often where I
had that mindful of AA and I would have if
I had anything to drink. I was like, I can't
give myself over to it in the way that I
had because I'm too aware of what I'm doing, Like
I can't, you know, I can't. It can't just be
a night filled with abandon I'm too aware. I can't
drink in a drunkish way. I'm drinking like I have
this sober mindset now. So anyway, I do think if
I wanted to have a drink with Daniel, I could.
I don't think it would be one thing leads to
another inside I I don't know at this point, as
a married mom of too like where that would go
in a bad way.
Speaker 2: I don't think it would go anywhere bad.
Speaker 3: I think I would just feel sort of physically yucky
and wish I hadn't.
Speaker 2: The temptation is truly gone.
Speaker 3: And I think it's because for me, it was never
about the alcohol. It was never about the tiny bit
about the drugs, but less so about the drugs. It
was about the behaviors that I It's a couple of things.
It was about I don't know how to be in
my body, in this room, in this crowd.
Speaker 2: I don't know how to be.
Speaker 3: I don't know how like I don't know how to
make things happen with people. I don't know how to
do any of it. So I'm gonna get ship faced
and just see where the night takes me. And that
was like really fun and really liberating. And I don't
know how to get to know someone in a sober fashion.
I don't know how to have intimacy. I don't even
know the timeframe that intimacy did it supposed to take
to achieve intimacy. So I'm going to get ship faced
and go home with someone and rush into something.
Speaker 2: But with Daniel, it's all so.
Speaker 3: It's sweet and good and sober and healthy and normal
that I don't have that temptation to open.
Speaker 2: The door to like disinhibit in that way.
Speaker 3: I think I sit around in my bathrobe looking at
my phone for hours, like I'm pretty disinhibited, arguably too disinhibited.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I always think though, like, oh, if I ever had
to date again, like if I, I don't know, be
really hard. But then again, it was hard for me
to get I was already married when I got sober,
and then I had to learn how to be disinhibited
in a so right way. So things are things are
tough all over? Yeah, Well it's amazing though, how so
how long ago was that that you quit drinking?
Speaker 2: That was? How old were you? I think I was thirty.
I want to say thirty five.
Speaker 3: The stuff that I'm describing that happened with that married
guy was when I was like thirty two or thirty three.
Speaker 2: But I'd say I probably.
Speaker 3: Because I had had memories of like having a drink
here and there, so.
Speaker 2: I probably think that.
Speaker 3: I think the last time I had a drink was
probably thirty five, and I am I just turned fifty, So.
Speaker 2: You did not. Oh my god, look amazing.
Speaker 1: So you and I forgot about that because I feel
like we talked about that when we'd both been at
were about like ten years over.
Speaker 2: Probably that sounds about right, like nine or ten. That's
so interesting.
Speaker 1: Okay, now we're both so if you're like fifteen and
I just just turned sixteen years Ober the same.
Speaker 2: Yeah, funny, Well this was so I don't know.
Speaker 1: I love talking to you about this kind of stuff,
and I love your podcast.
Speaker 2: Thank you. What just your.
Speaker 1: It's very special, the way that you interact with your guests,
the way that you interact with me, the way that
you you you are very natural storyteller and very you know,
some people are really open and honest, but it almost
feels affected, like look at how unfiltered I am, but
you're very You're just a person who it just feels
like talking to a friend, even though thank you. We're
doing a podcast, so tell everybody where to find all
your stuffs.
Speaker 3: Please check out Alison Rosen is your new best Friend?
That is my podcast. I have another podcast as well,
but Alison Rosen's New Best Friend is my main one.
And then I also do a podcast called Childish with
Greg Fitzimmons, fellow.
Speaker 2: Sober person who's been on this podcast. Been on this show, yeah,
he was one of my first guests.
Speaker 3: And then check out my Patreon if you would be
so kind, Patreon, dot com, slash Alison Rosen. All sorts
of stuff there. I do a couple bonus Patreon podcasts.
And then I also have a level where you can
text me and I'll text you back, and I do
a daily text people at the Confident level and it
is very juicy because there's all sorts of juicy stuff
in my life right now that I cannot talk about publicly,
so I dump it there. And then you also have
a oh my substack, Yes, I have a substack Alisonrosen
dot substack dot com. It started I was going to
tell the story my dad had died, my mom was
still alive.
Speaker 2: I was going to tell the story.
Speaker 3: Of I didn't know I was Jewish until I was
in my early twenties, and that's a whole crazy story.
Speaker 2: So I started telling that story.
Speaker 3: Then I got away from that a little bit, and
then I was writing about my experience on the Adam
Corolla Show, which a lot of people want to want
to hear about.
Speaker 2: And I was doing that regularly.
Speaker 3: And then since my mom died, I have found it
more difficult to be writing about that, but I am
going to go back to it. I just got to
find my way back in Okay, And you have a book.
I do have a book Tropical Tropical Attire Encouraged and
other phrases that scare me. And it is funny essays
that are also honest. So check that out, won't you please?
Speaker 1: All Right, thank you so much, Alison Rosen, everybody, and
I'll see you next week on drunk Ish Bye.
Speaker 2: It's gotting
Speaker 3: Good good, my d