WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:06.919 Grand Rising Family. Happy Friday? Is it Friday? I feel 2 00:00:06.919 --> 00:00:09.679 like it's Friday. I'm gonna go with that. Happy Friday. 3 00:00:10.199 --> 00:00:13.039 So for those of you who are just tuning in 4 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:15.039 and have no idea what's going on in our lives 5 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:18.000 right now, this is the second public live of thoughts 6 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:20.399 from the chair that I have done this week. Peaches 7 00:00:20.480 --> 00:00:23.519 is homeschooling the kids. So I have from four AM 8 00:00:23.519 --> 00:00:25.559 when I get out of bed until about eleven where 9 00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:28.640 I've got nothing to do. I go to the gym, 10 00:00:28.679 --> 00:00:31.079 do my morning routine, get my gratitude, do all my stuff, 11 00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:33.759 eat breakfast, prepare work, and then sit there and tet 12 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:35.640 all my thumbs. We're playing Magic the Gathering on the 13 00:00:35.640 --> 00:00:38.320 computer and like real shit fucking over the game. So 14 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:41.759 like this has been a way for me to interact 15 00:00:41.799 --> 00:00:44.920 with our community, create content, get some watch times. Because 16 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:49.840 YouTube change their monetization policy. This is a public live. 17 00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:52.439 There will be ads. We don't ask that you guys 18 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:54.439 send us money for super chats and shit, although that 19 00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:57.159 would be super gangster, but the ad revenue is a 20 00:00:57.240 --> 00:01:01.439 nice little, you know, bonus being publicly live, So there 21 00:01:01.439 --> 00:01:04.079 will be ads. I did create a document. I have 22 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:05.599 some things that I want to go over This has 23 00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:07.480 kind of been the theme. I did three of these 24 00:01:07.640 --> 00:01:10.480 just for Patreon. The one I did yesterday I used 25 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:12.159 for clips not I don't know if I'm gonna edit 26 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:14.200 that and use it as actual content, but this one 27 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:17.159 is going to get edited and reused for content later 28 00:01:17.200 --> 00:01:19.920 down the road. So glad you're doing this. Thank you, Sarah. 29 00:01:20.040 --> 00:01:23.480 Hopefully you guys get value out of this. I'm gonna 30 00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:25.480 just kind of read through a little bit of things. Hello, 31 00:01:25.519 --> 00:01:27.319 good morning, Alex. Hope that you're doing well over there 32 00:01:27.319 --> 00:01:29.680 on the other side of the country. What I wouldn't 33 00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:31.920 give for some duncan this morning? I broke this morning. 34 00:01:31.959 --> 00:01:35.640 Peaches and the kids were talking about breakfast and they're like, 35 00:01:35.640 --> 00:01:37.519 we're gonna get duncan. Do you want donuts? And I 36 00:01:37.560 --> 00:01:39.400 was like, man, I'd love a donut, but no, when 37 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:41.680 we go ahead and just get my breakfast sandwiches and 38 00:01:41.719 --> 00:01:43.920 a coffee, and I broke with the coffee. I shouldn't 39 00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:47.120 be having that sugar. But this is the first unhealthy 40 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:49.120 thing that I've had this week minus a donut. I 41 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:52.120 had a donut this week, So all right, guys. So 42 00:01:52.760 --> 00:01:57.120 the name of this document is called Slow Death of curiosity, trust, 43 00:01:57.239 --> 00:02:00.359 and attraction. And the way that I've been I'm doing 44 00:02:00.359 --> 00:02:02.760 this is I've been kind of like I prepared the 45 00:02:02.920 --> 00:02:06.799 entire document, and then I try to stay on the document, 46 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:09.599 but I also kind of free flow because nobody wants 47 00:02:09.639 --> 00:02:11.840 to watch someone do this the entire time that you're 48 00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:14.240 watching us, because that's really boring. And I don't want 49 00:02:14.280 --> 00:02:18.039 to do the teleprompter thing. Thank you for the jewels. 50 00:02:18.159 --> 00:02:21.479 I don't know how that works on here. Apparently that's 51 00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:23.719 like a super chat on a lower level. Either way, 52 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:27.960 I appreciate the gift giving guys. It's dope. So my 53 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.520 first question for you guys is do you actually know 54 00:02:30.599 --> 00:02:33.919 your partner or do you know an outdated version of them? 55 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:38.680 Contrary to popular belief, people change, people can change, people 56 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:40.719 do change. Who you are in your forties is not 57 00:02:40.759 --> 00:02:44.240 who you were in your twenties. Madman said, thank you 58 00:02:44.280 --> 00:02:45.520 for what you do, thank you for hanging out with 59 00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:49.680 me while I'm doing it. But relationships often operate from 60 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:53.919 a old perspective, old information, old data. There's not been 61 00:02:53.960 --> 00:02:57.360 a whole lot of new data collected. We believe we 62 00:02:57.479 --> 00:02:59.560 know our person, and because we think that we just 63 00:02:59.719 --> 00:03:03.159 know that them, the curiosity starts to fade. When we 64 00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:05.719 first meet somebody. There's a whole lot of curiosity. We 65 00:03:05.759 --> 00:03:08.240 ask questions. We want their stories, We want to know 66 00:03:08.280 --> 00:03:11.520 what they believe, honestly, what they want. We want to 67 00:03:11.560 --> 00:03:14.159 know what scares them, what makes them smile, what their 68 00:03:14.280 --> 00:03:16.960 kinks are like. We ask all kinds of crazy shit. 69 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.719 What their dreams look like, their goals, what success is, 70 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:23.479 what the retirement looks like. Do you want kids? What's 71 00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:25.840 your ideal dream job? Where do you want a vacation? 72 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:28.360 You've ever been on a boat? Like? All of those 73 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:31.360 conversations in the beginning of a relationship is one of 74 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:34.840 the things that makes the relationship super fucking exciting because 75 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:39.159 you don't know this person. Everyone gets I can't say everyone, 76 00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:41.800 because not everybody has my level of spicy brain, but 77 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:46.599 the data collection aspect of trying to learn something is 78 00:03:46.719 --> 00:03:49.919 super fucking exciting for me. So when Peaches and I 79 00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:52.159 started dating and we were recording and we were talking 80 00:03:52.199 --> 00:03:53.840 about everything that was going on in her life and 81 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:56.680 in my life and trying to learn how to navigate 82 00:03:56.719 --> 00:04:00.439 her waters, was thrilling because I didn't know any of 83 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:02.879 it right, and I wanted to know all of it. 84 00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:04.879 And I was engrossed in the things she was saying 85 00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:07.599 and I was really paying attention, and like, that's the 86 00:04:07.639 --> 00:04:10.840 courting phase for almost everyone, and it's fucking exciting. Yeah, 87 00:04:10.919 --> 00:04:15.560 oxytocin and dopamine to the mix. Man. So eventually we 88 00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:18.519 start to think that we've got them completely figured out right, 89 00:04:19.399 --> 00:04:22.120 and the curiosity and then stops, and we don't feel 90 00:04:22.120 --> 00:04:25.800 like we need to probe or try to understand who 91 00:04:25.839 --> 00:04:29.079 they are or who they're becoming, because that's my person. 92 00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:32.120 I already know, Like I don't need I know, right. 93 00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:35.399 I love that Peaches is homeschool and the babies and 94 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:38.959 Chris's homeschool and all of us. Fuck, yes, that's funny. 95 00:04:39.560 --> 00:04:42.959 That is funny. She's she's doing a thing. Guys. We 96 00:04:43.000 --> 00:04:45.199 talked about this a little bit yesterday on the live stream. 97 00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:47.879 I one hundred percent do not have the patience to homeschool. 98 00:04:47.959 --> 00:04:52.240 I fucking don't. I I that shit is so fucking 99 00:04:52.319 --> 00:04:55.120 hard for me to even be in the room. I 100 00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:59.079 don't have the patience, and it's very hard for me 101 00:04:59.160 --> 00:05:02.160 to take a breath and like, hey, like, I know 102 00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:04.800 you can do this because their kids are used to 103 00:05:04.920 --> 00:05:07.319 us doing a lot for them. So when things get hard. 104 00:05:07.879 --> 00:05:10.120 They expect us to just do it, and that's not 105 00:05:10.199 --> 00:05:12.800 what we're doing. They're having to learn how to do things, 106 00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:14.920 and Papa Bear wants to jump in, just get it 107 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:17.399 done and go about my life. So like it's very difficult. 108 00:05:17.399 --> 00:05:20.920 She's fucking crushing it on that homeschooling thing. Somebody said 109 00:05:20.920 --> 00:05:23.079 that that beard though this beard almost got shaved off 110 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:26.560 this morning. I'm I this may not be here much longer. 111 00:05:26.839 --> 00:05:29.040 This was a product of laziness before we went to 112 00:05:29.079 --> 00:05:35.319 Greece in June, and it's it's pretty fucking hefty now. Anyways. 113 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:37.959 So they are your person, right, you don't You're not 114 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:41.480 curious anymore because they are your person. That's when things 115 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:44.720 like I know how she's going to respond shows up 116 00:05:44.920 --> 00:05:48.759 or he's not going to like that, right, she doesn't 117 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:51.120 care about that. He's never been an emotional person. She 118 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:54.600 always needs space, YadA, YadA, YadA. Right, this is this 119 00:05:54.720 --> 00:05:57.519 is we know the outcome before it happens. So now 120 00:05:57.560 --> 00:06:00.959 we're we're rehearsing the things that need to be said, 121 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:04.439 having fear of the conversations because we already believe how 122 00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:08.639 it's going to go, so we don't have the conversations 123 00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:10.759 that need to be had. We have the conversations in 124 00:06:10.759 --> 00:06:12.279 a way that we think is going to be the 125 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:15.079 safest for us to have the conversations, and now it 126 00:06:15.079 --> 00:06:18.519 becomes a lecture. It's no longer a curious conversation about 127 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:20.639 what needs to be done or how we can improve 128 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:24.000 or be better. Right, appreciate both you and Peaches. Your 129 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:26.120 conversations remind me of the conversations I used to have 130 00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:28.600 with my grandmother all the time about relationships. She passed 131 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:31.319 earlier this year. I'm sorry for your loss. I love 132 00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:32.839 that you had somebody in your life that you were 133 00:06:32.839 --> 00:06:36.399 able to talk to. That's such a big deal. Chanelle said, 134 00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:38.199 I took the leap this year, and I'm also homeschooling 135 00:06:38.240 --> 00:06:40.480 my kids. Congratulations. I found a very good program where 136 00:06:40.519 --> 00:06:41.800 I just need to be there to help in case 137 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:44.839 they have questions. We are very excited for the homeschooling 138 00:06:44.920 --> 00:06:47.079 journey and opportunities that will open up other things. I 139 00:06:47.079 --> 00:06:48.680 love that, and I love that. I'm going to go 140 00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:50.720 back to this. I really want to. I'm going to 141 00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:52.399 after we get done with the document, I'll hang out 142 00:06:52.439 --> 00:06:53.800 with you guys and we can bullshit in the chat 143 00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:56.879 and like I enjoy that a lot. So I'm curious 144 00:06:56.879 --> 00:07:00.600 how much of what we know about our partner is 145 00:07:00.639 --> 00:07:04.160 from current information, right, And again this comes down to 146 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:06.360 you probed and did the thing in the courting phase 147 00:07:06.360 --> 00:07:08.920 and got to know your person. Then they became my 148 00:07:09.079 --> 00:07:12.040 partner or my husband or my wife, and then the 149 00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:15.040 probing kind of stops because now you've been living together 150 00:07:15.079 --> 00:07:16.759 for as long as you've been living together, and you 151 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:19.560 think you know and this is an ego thing when 152 00:07:19.560 --> 00:07:21.920 you really think about it, and how much of that 153 00:07:21.959 --> 00:07:26.639 information is collected over the last five, ten or twenty years. 154 00:07:26.959 --> 00:07:29.199 How much of that information comes from the stories that 155 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:32.879 we tell ourselves, not from the actual data. It's important 156 00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:36.079 to remember that we are constantly collecting data every time 157 00:07:36.199 --> 00:07:39.079 something happens. Let me back up, every time we tell 158 00:07:39.120 --> 00:07:44.439 ourselves a story, something happens that solidifies our belief in 159 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:50.079 that story. It then collects data to what we already believe. Right. So, 160 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:53.439 if you know you're looking for something, you're gonna find 161 00:07:53.439 --> 00:07:55.480 that thing. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative. 162 00:07:55.480 --> 00:07:57.160 If you're looking for something, you're going to find it. 163 00:07:57.199 --> 00:07:59.959 If you're looking for an opportunity, you will eventually find 164 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:02.079 that opportunity. If you're looking for a fucking problem, you're 165 00:08:02.120 --> 00:08:05.680 gonna find a problem. So as you are telling yourself 166 00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:09.160 a story, right because you already kind of believe this 167 00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:12.199 is what's happening, then you start looking for the data 168 00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:15.279 that supports that story. Then you confirm it, and that 169 00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:18.120 story is now real when real, when in all honesty, 170 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:21.360 you're probably missing a whole lot of other facets because 171 00:08:21.360 --> 00:08:25.000 you got that little bit of information that supports your theory. Now, 172 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:28.560 you know, right, when we stop asking questions and start 173 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:32.559 taking mental notes, we start living from assumptions, from the 174 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:35.080 stories that we made up, from the situations that made 175 00:08:35.320 --> 00:08:39.480 us feel a certain way while not really understanding where 176 00:08:39.879 --> 00:08:43.039 they are. We talked about this a little bit yesterday. 177 00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:47.039 This is us assigning meaning to a situation without really 178 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:49.480 checking in to find out if that's really what's happening 179 00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:53.320 or if this is self projection. Right again, I said 180 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:55.360 a minute ago that people change. Even if you don't 181 00:08:55.399 --> 00:08:59.080 believe people can change, they do. What made you feel 182 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:01.360 loved at twenty five may not make you feel loved 183 00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:03.120 at forty. And there's a really good way to look 184 00:09:03.159 --> 00:09:07.840 at that, because everybody has once and desires and things 185 00:09:07.879 --> 00:09:09.879 that they need. And if you're in your forties and 186 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:12.240 you look back at your twenties, you're not the same person. 187 00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:15.320 And if you can recognize that, there's no longer an 188 00:09:15.399 --> 00:09:18.600 argument that people can't change or don't change what you wanted, 189 00:09:18.679 --> 00:09:26.720 sexually can change or ambitions you're Insecurities, parenthood fucking changes people. Success, failure, grief, aging, trauma, 190 00:09:27.120 --> 00:09:30.120 and even healing will change people. And then here's something 191 00:09:30.120 --> 00:09:31.879 else I want you guys to think about. We update 192 00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:34.720 our phones and other technology more than we update the 193 00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:40.480 information from our partners, right from our partners. Guys. This 194 00:09:40.600 --> 00:09:42.720 is also one of those things where once again we 195 00:09:42.879 --> 00:09:46.159 operate from our own collected data, not the data that 196 00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:49.919 they give us, and using the technology aspect of things. 197 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:53.879 When you update your phone or your computer or software 198 00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:57.399 or a firmware update on a camera or whatever technology 199 00:09:57.399 --> 00:10:01.799 that you're updating, you are not updating. You're downloading the 200 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:05.240 data that they are giving you and in installing it 201 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:08.279 on your device so that it works properly. If you 202 00:10:08.360 --> 00:10:10.440 are curious and you are doing the check ins and 203 00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:14.360 you are engaging with your person, you are now updating 204 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:18.799 your software based off of the data from them to 205 00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:21.720 operate your life in a more effective manner. I know 206 00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:24.120 I'm a big fucking nerd, but when I created that analogy, 207 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:27.519 I was like, yeah, I was good. So now that 208 00:10:27.679 --> 00:10:31.720 I've ended with a great little aphorism, I believe that's 209 00:10:31.720 --> 00:10:35.159 the word aphorism, I'm gonna move on to the next thing. 210 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:41.320 So sometimes our partner has absolutely changed, but we have 211 00:10:41.480 --> 00:10:45.639 refused to allow that change to exist. That doesn't mean 212 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:48.759 that the change didn't happen. It means that we have 213 00:10:48.879 --> 00:10:52.399 refused to see it. So maybe your husband used to 214 00:10:52.440 --> 00:10:55.200 be really irresponsible, right, Maybe he was bad with money, 215 00:10:55.240 --> 00:10:58.039 he was an alcoholic, he spent all of his free 216 00:10:58.039 --> 00:11:02.360 time gaming whatever, whatever, whatever. Then over the last five 217 00:11:02.440 --> 00:11:05.639 years he's spent a lot of his time working on 218 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:09.679 becoming a very dependable man of his word, living with 219 00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:13.840 integrity kind of person. But every disagreement eventually ends with 220 00:11:13.879 --> 00:11:16.080 you talking to him like he's still that twenty one 221 00:11:16.120 --> 00:11:21.240 year old alcoholic gamer that was very irresponsible. The version 222 00:11:21.279 --> 00:11:25.080 of him in your head when you become wronged, goes 223 00:11:25.120 --> 00:11:27.279 back to twenty one years old, not twenty six years old. 224 00:11:27.320 --> 00:11:29.519 In the last five years of work, somehow gets negated 225 00:11:29.840 --> 00:11:31.799 because you have this fuck you story in your head. 226 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:33.840 There's a resentment there that hasn't been worked through yet. 227 00:11:34.559 --> 00:11:37.600 Maybe your wife used to be jealous and insecure. She's 228 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:40.360 worked on herself for years, but you still interpret every 229 00:11:40.440 --> 00:11:43.559 question through that old version of her. So when she's 230 00:11:43.679 --> 00:11:46.159 trying to be a part of your world, you get 231 00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:49.919 a defensive and attacker. We actually see this a lot 232 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:53.879 on the podcast. We can trap people inside of the 233 00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:59.360 identities that they have already outgrown, and kind of here's 234 00:11:59.480 --> 00:12:01.000 a good way to say, think about this. All of 235 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:03.279 us have that person in our lives that are not 236 00:12:03.480 --> 00:12:06.000 always in our lives, but are in the background at 237 00:12:06.039 --> 00:12:10.159 a distance that we view them as that thing. So like, 238 00:12:10.279 --> 00:12:12.639 maybe it's a nephew who was thirteen the last time 239 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:14.200 you saw them, and the next time you see them 240 00:12:14.240 --> 00:12:16.360 they're twenty two, and you're like, oh my fucking god, 241 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:18.919 you grew up, Like what happened? You're a kid? Still 242 00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:22.000 this this shouldn't be a thing. Your cousins look older, 243 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:24.240 The people that you used to work with that you 244 00:12:24.279 --> 00:12:27.159 saw at a job have aged a lot, maybe they've 245 00:12:27.200 --> 00:12:30.840 gotten fat and had fifteen kids, like who the fuck knows. 246 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:35.440 But in our mind we have a very specific version 247 00:12:35.559 --> 00:12:39.919 of these people based off of our last good or 248 00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:43.960 really bad interactions. Right, And when you really think about 249 00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:45.600 how that makes you feel when it sees them, it 250 00:12:45.639 --> 00:12:49.480 also reflects back to you because bitch, your aging. Also, like, 251 00:12:49.799 --> 00:12:53.639 you ain't that fucking spring chicken anymore. You might be 252 00:12:53.679 --> 00:12:56.159 if y'all are in your twenties. Congratulations, you fuckers, I'm 253 00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:59.919 not so the idea of who they were become shattered 254 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:02.200 because they have been gone a while. This happens in 255 00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:05.720 your relationships. The only difference is we choose to hold 256 00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:07.559 on to the older versions of the people in our 257 00:13:07.600 --> 00:13:11.799 relationships instead of updating the data all the time. And 258 00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:14.960 what's really wild is once I've decided who you are, 259 00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:19.879 I start interpreting your behavior through that lens. It's through 260 00:13:19.919 --> 00:13:22.759 the conclusion that I already have that you are irresponsible, 261 00:13:22.960 --> 00:13:26.440 that you were insecure, that I if I want to 262 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.120 come to you about something, I know there's about to 263 00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:30.080 be a big mishap or a fight or whatever the 264 00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:32.039 case may be, And like, is it really even worth it? 265 00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:35.720 What the fuck? Now? This is my story, This is 266 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.360 what I believe based off of the data of I've 267 00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:40.919 collected and the things that I have failed to see. 268 00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:46.559 Because there's insecurity or hurt or whatever whatever. There. Once 269 00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:49.799 I've decided that you're selfish, I will notice selfishness again. 270 00:13:49.919 --> 00:13:52.399 The things that you look for are the things that 271 00:13:52.440 --> 00:13:56.960 you will find once I've decided you're controlling, questions become control. 272 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:01.399 If I've decided you're lazy and I see you resting laziness. 273 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:06.320 If I've decided that you're emotionally unavailable and you say 274 00:14:06.360 --> 00:14:09.279 I need space, that looks like rejection. That looks like 275 00:14:10.639 --> 00:14:14.240 you don't love me anymore. Right when you are living 276 00:14:14.360 --> 00:14:18.120 through that cognitive bias. Because we've talked about this a lot, 277 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:21.200 you and Peach Burkett, oh, she actually threw her last 278 00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:23.879 name in there, have opened my eyes to a new perspective, 279 00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:26.960 or multiple perspectives. This helps when I ground myself and 280 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:29.279 make myself think as a process. I wasn't taught how 281 00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:30.840 to regulate as a kid. Now as a twenty six 282 00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:32.480 year old, it's one of the hardest things to do, 283 00:14:32.559 --> 00:14:34.960 having to check myself in the moment. It's the most 284 00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:38.279 important part. I do it better myself and my future relationships. 285 00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:41.840 Thank you both. You're welcome. That's called self mastery, guys, 286 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:44.600 That's exactly what that is. And that's amazing. Again, I 287 00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:46.320 will absolutely interact with the chat. I want to get 288 00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:48.000 to this document and then we can have all kinds 289 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:51.639 of cool talks. So again, once I understand that I'm 290 00:14:51.639 --> 00:14:56.279 no longer responding to what you're doing today, I'm responding 291 00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:59.840 to the accumulative stories that I have developed and put 292 00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:02.559 to together over the last twenty years of me or 293 00:15:02.720 --> 00:15:04.960 five years, or two years or six months of me 294 00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:09.480 collecting data about what is So here's the question, how 295 00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:12.759 difficult is it to become a different person when the 296 00:15:12.759 --> 00:15:16.919 person closest to you continues to remind you who you 297 00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:20.519 used to be. This you hear people say a lot 298 00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:23.279 of things like, if I'm going to be accused of it, 299 00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:25.759 I'm going to do it because I'm already paying the debt, 300 00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:27.919 or I'm already doing the time for the crime I 301 00:15:27.919 --> 00:15:29.879 didn't commit, I might as well go ahead and do 302 00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:32.080 the thing. If she constantly accuses me of cheating, why 303 00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:37.159 not go cheat? Like that's a very rudimentary way of 304 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:39.320 explaining what I ask. But there's a good question, and 305 00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:42.279 it should be something that you guys ponder on. There's 306 00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:45.639 also an opposite problem here, and that sometimes we assume 307 00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:50.919 someone has changed when they haven't. We project our growth 308 00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:55.840 onto them because we've grown. We think, surely they understand 309 00:15:55.399 --> 00:15:59.159 that this is different, but we don't ask, right, there's 310 00:15:59.159 --> 00:16:02.399 no curiosity. This is the hole. Well they should know? 311 00:16:04.480 --> 00:16:07.519 How should they know? You have an understanding of something. 312 00:16:07.639 --> 00:16:10.360 I may not have an understanding of something, and that 313 00:16:10.440 --> 00:16:14.840 could be very common bare minimum information for you, because 314 00:16:14.919 --> 00:16:17.480 that's something that you've done your entire life and I've 315 00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:20.240 never even seen that before. So it's not common sense, 316 00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:26.279 it's lived life perspective. So again, curiosity both directions that 317 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.879 absolutely matters. The first part of this is curiosity. Guys. 318 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.600 So you may know your wife Starbucks, order her shoe size, 319 00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:36.399 her favorite restaurant, her birthday, favorite movie, and exactly how 320 00:16:36.440 --> 00:16:39.120 she likes her eggs, and still have no idea what 321 00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:43.240 she's struggling with right now. You could know everything about 322 00:16:43.440 --> 00:16:48.519 someone without knowing what's happening inside of someone. The Goatmans 323 00:16:48.840 --> 00:16:51.360 called this love mapping. For those of you who don't know, 324 00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:55.480 we are giant fans of the Gotman Institute, love mapping 325 00:16:55.759 --> 00:16:57.600 is something that they talk about in a lot of 326 00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:03.480 their books. Love mapping is not about memorizing trivia about 327 00:17:03.480 --> 00:17:07.519 your spouse it's about maintaining an ongoing understanding of their 328 00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:11.279 internal world. What are they worried about, who are they becoming, 329 00:17:11.400 --> 00:17:15.160 what's currently exciting for them, What pressure are they carrying? 330 00:17:15.319 --> 00:17:18.000 What dreams do they have now? What are their goals 331 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:22.799 now that life has changed. It's a constant, curious dialogue 332 00:17:22.839 --> 00:17:26.039 back and forth of the future and what is happening 333 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.279 When you guys think about it, dating is a big 334 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:33.880 interview right, the courting phase, the dating phase, it is 335 00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:38.000 an interview process. It's it's trying to find out exactly 336 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:42.240 how compatible you may be with another person, and is 337 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:46.000 this compatibility enough? Like is this if we're talking, like, 338 00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:49.000 you know, out of a ten point checklist, If we're 339 00:17:49.039 --> 00:17:51.599 at a six or below, this isn't worth doing. If 340 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:54.160 we're at a seven or an eight, this could really work. 341 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:55.799 If we're at a nine or ten, let's go right. 342 00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:58.680 But that's the point of the interview process. It's about 343 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:02.119 trying to understand compatibil If you treat your marriage or 344 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:07.599 your long term relationship as a constant interview, that initial curiosity, 345 00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:11.160 learning phase, excitement will never go away because you are 346 00:18:12.119 --> 00:18:16.920 remaining emotionally invested in somebody else's existence. So things to 347 00:18:17.319 --> 00:18:19.359 do that you can say things like tell me about yourself. 348 00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:21.440 I know this sounds really cheesy, but if you're at 349 00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:23.480 dinner with your partner and you haven't had a real 350 00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:29.680 conversation about anything other than your delegated responsibilities and your 351 00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:35.200 you know, your after action reviews, and you are, you know, 352 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:38.200 just going through the motions of dictating what your life 353 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:41.559 has been like having a conversation of you know, tell 354 00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:44.200 me about yourself. That that could be an open conversation 355 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:46.839 of why I've been doing pilates or I've been working 356 00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:49.440 out again and you know, I'm starting to feel good 357 00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:51.720 about my body and and like there can be a 358 00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:55.240 real intimate conversation that comes from that because you asked 359 00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:57.759 a question that matters to the person and not just 360 00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:02.039 to the superficial apple aspective. Things. Other questions you can 361 00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:03.960 say is what do you want out of life? Tell 362 00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:06.519 me something about your childhood that I don't know yet. 363 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:08.519 You'd be surprised at the things that people hold on 364 00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.680 to that they never discuss. What's what's your new biggest fear? 365 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:15.119 What what do you want our retirement to look like? 366 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:19.240 Has that changed? So it's important to remember that just 367 00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:21.759 because you got married, the interview isn't over. You know, 368 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:25.599 the wedding seems to be the goal for most people, 369 00:19:25.640 --> 00:19:29.039 and that's the endpoint. The wedding is the beginning of 370 00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:31.400 the marriage. It's not the end point. It's the start 371 00:19:31.400 --> 00:19:35.039 of your life. So it's important to try to keep 372 00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:37.519 that in mind. All right, Before I move on, I 373 00:19:37.559 --> 00:19:40.839 just want to say we can simultaneously change internally, communicate 374 00:19:40.839 --> 00:19:42.920 none of it, and then resent our partner for continuing 375 00:19:42.920 --> 00:19:45.599 to operate from the last information that we gave them. 376 00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:47.279 And I only want I only put that on there 377 00:19:47.279 --> 00:19:49.359 because I want to talk about resentment for a second. Guys, 378 00:19:49.400 --> 00:19:52.359 Resentment changes the lens that you view your people through. 379 00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:55.079 And again, I talked about this yesterday on the live stream. 380 00:19:55.160 --> 00:19:56.799 Might have been on a private live on the day before, 381 00:19:56.839 --> 00:20:01.480 but we we we all have different lenses that we 382 00:20:01.599 --> 00:20:04.000 view people through. You treat your best friend different than 383 00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:06.640 your partner. You treat your coworker different than your best friend, 384 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:11.480 and like, even in like mentoring groups and coaching and 385 00:20:11.559 --> 00:20:13.799 the things that we have to interact with people. When 386 00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:18.200 we have a resentment built up towards somebody, we are 387 00:20:18.200 --> 00:20:21.519 going to find ourselves very irritable. We are not going 388 00:20:21.559 --> 00:20:23.759 to be giving the best version of ourselves. We're not 389 00:20:23.799 --> 00:20:27.599 going to live from a place of curiosity. We are 390 00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:31.319 going to be very I know that this is who 391 00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:33.200 this person is and they're not going to change, so 392 00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:37.440 why bother? Right, It creates a lot of like little 393 00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:40.279 bitch mentality, like you're kind of quitting, right, and you're 394 00:20:40.279 --> 00:20:43.359 doing yourself a massive disservice for that. So so that's 395 00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:47.000 the first part of that. That's curiosity. Next part of 396 00:20:47.000 --> 00:20:51.000 this is going to get into privacy. Somebody said, what 397 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:54.400 happens when you ask those questions but never get an answer? 398 00:20:55.400 --> 00:20:57.039 Do they just sit in silence and stare at you? 399 00:20:57.119 --> 00:20:59.920 Or do they say I don't know because I I 400 00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:03.759 don't know and not answering the question is two different answers, right, 401 00:21:03.839 --> 00:21:05.960