Speaker 1: Grand Rising Family. Happy Friday? Is it Friday? I feel
Speaker 1: like it's Friday. I'm gonna go with that. Happy Friday.
Speaker 1: So for those of you who are just tuning in
Speaker 1: and have no idea what's going on in our lives
Speaker 1: right now, this is the second public live of thoughts
Speaker 1: from the chair that I have done this week. Peaches
Speaker 1: is homeschooling the kids. So I have from four AM
Speaker 1: when I get out of bed until about eleven where
Speaker 1: I've got nothing to do. I go to the gym,
Speaker 1: do my morning routine, get my gratitude, do all my stuff,
Speaker 1: eat breakfast, prepare work, and then sit there and tet
Speaker 1: all my thumbs. We're playing Magic the Gathering on the
Speaker 1: computer and like real shit fucking over the game. So
Speaker 1: like this has been a way for me to interact
Speaker 1: with our community, create content, get some watch times. Because
Speaker 1: YouTube change their monetization policy. This is a public live.
Speaker 1: There will be ads. We don't ask that you guys
Speaker 1: send us money for super chats and shit, although that
Speaker 1: would be super gangster, but the ad revenue is a
Speaker 1: nice little, you know, bonus being publicly live, So there
Speaker 1: will be ads. I did create a document. I have
Speaker 1: some things that I want to go over This has
Speaker 1: kind of been the theme. I did three of these
Speaker 1: just for Patreon. The one I did yesterday I used
Speaker 1: for clips not I don't know if I'm gonna edit
Speaker 1: that and use it as actual content, but this one
Speaker 1: is going to get edited and reused for content later
Speaker 1: down the road. So glad you're doing this. Thank you, Sarah.
Speaker 1: Hopefully you guys get value out of this. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: just kind of read through a little bit of things. Hello,
Speaker 1: good morning, Alex. Hope that you're doing well over there
Speaker 1: on the other side of the country. What I wouldn't
Speaker 1: give for some duncan this morning? I broke this morning.
Speaker 1: Peaches and the kids were talking about breakfast and they're like,
Speaker 1: we're gonna get duncan. Do you want donuts? And I
Speaker 1: was like, man, I'd love a donut, but no, when
Speaker 1: we go ahead and just get my breakfast sandwiches and
Speaker 1: a coffee, and I broke with the coffee. I shouldn't
Speaker 1: be having that sugar. But this is the first unhealthy
Speaker 1: thing that I've had this week minus a donut. I
Speaker 1: had a donut this week, So all right, guys. So
Speaker 1: the name of this document is called Slow Death of curiosity, trust,
Speaker 1: and attraction. And the way that I've been I'm doing
Speaker 1: this is I've been kind of like I prepared the
Speaker 1: entire document, and then I try to stay on the document,
Speaker 1: but I also kind of free flow because nobody wants
Speaker 1: to watch someone do this the entire time that you're
Speaker 1: watching us, because that's really boring. And I don't want
Speaker 1: to do the teleprompter thing. Thank you for the jewels.
Speaker 1: I don't know how that works on here. Apparently that's
Speaker 1: like a super chat on a lower level. Either way,
Speaker 1: I appreciate the gift giving guys. It's dope. So my
Speaker 1: first question for you guys is do you actually know
Speaker 1: your partner or do you know an outdated version of them?
Speaker 1: Contrary to popular belief, people change, people can change, people
Speaker 1: do change. Who you are in your forties is not
Speaker 1: who you were in your twenties. Madman said, thank you
Speaker 1: for what you do, thank you for hanging out with
Speaker 1: me while I'm doing it. But relationships often operate from
Speaker 1: a old perspective, old information, old data. There's not been
Speaker 1: a whole lot of new data collected. We believe we
Speaker 1: know our person, and because we think that we just
Speaker 1: know that them, the curiosity starts to fade. When we
Speaker 1: first meet somebody. There's a whole lot of curiosity. We
Speaker 1: ask questions. We want their stories, We want to know
Speaker 1: what they believe, honestly, what they want. We want to
Speaker 1: know what scares them, what makes them smile, what their
Speaker 1: kinks are like. We ask all kinds of crazy shit.
Speaker 1: What their dreams look like, their goals, what success is,
Speaker 1: what the retirement looks like. Do you want kids? What's
Speaker 1: your ideal dream job? Where do you want a vacation?
Speaker 1: You've ever been on a boat? Like? All of those
Speaker 1: conversations in the beginning of a relationship is one of
Speaker 1: the things that makes the relationship super fucking exciting because
Speaker 1: you don't know this person. Everyone gets I can't say everyone,
Speaker 1: because not everybody has my level of spicy brain, but
Speaker 1: the data collection aspect of trying to learn something is
Speaker 1: super fucking exciting for me. So when Peaches and I
Speaker 1: started dating and we were recording and we were talking
Speaker 1: about everything that was going on in her life and
Speaker 1: in my life and trying to learn how to navigate
Speaker 1: her waters, was thrilling because I didn't know any of
Speaker 1: it right, and I wanted to know all of it.
Speaker 1: And I was engrossed in the things she was saying
Speaker 1: and I was really paying attention, and like, that's the
Speaker 1: courting phase for almost everyone, and it's fucking exciting. Yeah,
Speaker 1: oxytocin and dopamine to the mix. Man. So eventually we
Speaker 1: start to think that we've got them completely figured out right,
Speaker 1: and the curiosity and then stops, and we don't feel
Speaker 1: like we need to probe or try to understand who
Speaker 1: they are or who they're becoming, because that's my person.
Speaker 1: I already know, Like I don't need I know, right.
Speaker 1: I love that Peaches is homeschool and the babies and
Speaker 1: Chris's homeschool and all of us. Fuck, yes, that's funny.
Speaker 1: That is funny. She's she's doing a thing. Guys. We
Speaker 1: talked about this a little bit yesterday on the live stream.
Speaker 1: I one hundred percent do not have the patience to homeschool.
Speaker 1: I fucking don't. I I that shit is so fucking
Speaker 1: hard for me to even be in the room. I
Speaker 1: don't have the patience, and it's very hard for me
Speaker 1: to take a breath and like, hey, like, I know
Speaker 1: you can do this because their kids are used to
Speaker 1: us doing a lot for them. So when things get hard.
Speaker 1: They expect us to just do it, and that's not
Speaker 1: what we're doing. They're having to learn how to do things,
Speaker 1: and Papa Bear wants to jump in, just get it
Speaker 1: done and go about my life. So like it's very difficult.
Speaker 1: She's fucking crushing it on that homeschooling thing. Somebody said
Speaker 1: that that beard though this beard almost got shaved off
Speaker 1: this morning. I'm I this may not be here much longer.
Speaker 1: This was a product of laziness before we went to
Speaker 1: Greece in June, and it's it's pretty fucking hefty now. Anyways.
Speaker 1: So they are your person, right, you don't You're not
Speaker 1: curious anymore because they are your person. That's when things
Speaker 1: like I know how she's going to respond shows up
Speaker 1: or he's not going to like that, right, she doesn't
Speaker 1: care about that. He's never been an emotional person. She
Speaker 1: always needs space, YadA, YadA, YadA. Right, this is this
Speaker 1: is we know the outcome before it happens. So now
Speaker 1: we're we're rehearsing the things that need to be said,
Speaker 1: having fear of the conversations because we already believe how
Speaker 1: it's going to go, so we don't have the conversations
Speaker 1: that need to be had. We have the conversations in
Speaker 1: a way that we think is going to be the
Speaker 1: safest for us to have the conversations, and now it
Speaker 1: becomes a lecture. It's no longer a curious conversation about
Speaker 1: what needs to be done or how we can improve
Speaker 1: or be better. Right, appreciate both you and Peaches. Your
Speaker 1: conversations remind me of the conversations I used to have
Speaker 1: with my grandmother all the time about relationships. She passed
Speaker 1: earlier this year. I'm sorry for your loss. I love
Speaker 1: that you had somebody in your life that you were
Speaker 1: able to talk to. That's such a big deal. Chanelle said,
Speaker 1: I took the leap this year, and I'm also homeschooling
Speaker 1: my kids. Congratulations. I found a very good program where
Speaker 1: I just need to be there to help in case
Speaker 1: they have questions. We are very excited for the homeschooling
Speaker 1: journey and opportunities that will open up other things. I
Speaker 1: love that, and I love that. I'm going to go
Speaker 1: back to this. I really want to. I'm going to
Speaker 1: after we get done with the document, I'll hang out
Speaker 1: with you guys and we can bullshit in the chat
Speaker 1: and like I enjoy that a lot. So I'm curious
Speaker 1: how much of what we know about our partner is
Speaker 1: from current information, right, And again this comes down to
Speaker 1: you probed and did the thing in the courting phase
Speaker 1: and got to know your person. Then they became my
Speaker 1: partner or my husband or my wife, and then the
Speaker 1: probing kind of stops because now you've been living together
Speaker 1: for as long as you've been living together, and you
Speaker 1: think you know and this is an ego thing when
Speaker 1: you really think about it, and how much of that
Speaker 1: information is collected over the last five, ten or twenty years.
Speaker 1: How much of that information comes from the stories that
Speaker 1: we tell ourselves, not from the actual data. It's important
Speaker 1: to remember that we are constantly collecting data every time
Speaker 1: something happens. Let me back up, every time we tell
Speaker 1: ourselves a story, something happens that solidifies our belief in
Speaker 1: that story. It then collects data to what we already believe. Right. So,
Speaker 1: if you know you're looking for something, you're gonna find
Speaker 1: that thing. It doesn't matter if it's positive or negative.
Speaker 1: If you're looking for something, you're going to find it.
Speaker 1: If you're looking for an opportunity, you will eventually find
Speaker 1: that opportunity. If you're looking for a fucking problem, you're
Speaker 1: gonna find a problem. So as you are telling yourself
Speaker 1: a story, right because you already kind of believe this
Speaker 1: is what's happening, then you start looking for the data
Speaker 1: that supports that story. Then you confirm it, and that
Speaker 1: story is now real when real, when in all honesty,
Speaker 1: you're probably missing a whole lot of other facets because
Speaker 1: you got that little bit of information that supports your theory. Now,
Speaker 1: you know, right, when we stop asking questions and start
Speaker 1: taking mental notes, we start living from assumptions, from the
Speaker 1: stories that we made up, from the situations that made
Speaker 1: us feel a certain way while not really understanding where
Speaker 1: they are. We talked about this a little bit yesterday.
Speaker 1: This is us assigning meaning to a situation without really
Speaker 1: checking in to find out if that's really what's happening
Speaker 1: or if this is self projection. Right again, I said
Speaker 1: a minute ago that people change. Even if you don't
Speaker 1: believe people can change, they do. What made you feel
Speaker 1: loved at twenty five may not make you feel loved
Speaker 1: at forty. And there's a really good way to look
Speaker 1: at that, because everybody has once and desires and things
Speaker 1: that they need. And if you're in your forties and
Speaker 1: you look back at your twenties, you're not the same person.
Speaker 1: And if you can recognize that, there's no longer an
Speaker 1: argument that people can't change or don't change what you wanted,
Speaker 1: sexually can change or ambitions you're Insecurities, parenthood fucking changes people. Success, failure, grief, aging, trauma,
Speaker 1: and even healing will change people. And then here's something
Speaker 1: else I want you guys to think about. We update
Speaker 1: our phones and other technology more than we update the
Speaker 1: information from our partners, right from our partners. Guys. This
Speaker 1: is also one of those things where once again we
Speaker 1: operate from our own collected data, not the data that
Speaker 1: they give us, and using the technology aspect of things.
Speaker 1: When you update your phone or your computer or software
Speaker 1: or a firmware update on a camera or whatever technology
Speaker 1: that you're updating, you are not updating. You're downloading the
Speaker 1: data that they are giving you and in installing it
Speaker 1: on your device so that it works properly. If you
Speaker 1: are curious and you are doing the check ins and
Speaker 1: you are engaging with your person, you are now updating
Speaker 1: your software based off of the data from them to
Speaker 1: operate your life in a more effective manner. I know
Speaker 1: I'm a big fucking nerd, but when I created that analogy,
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I was good. So now that
Speaker 1: I've ended with a great little aphorism, I believe that's
Speaker 1: the word aphorism, I'm gonna move on to the next thing.
Speaker 1: So sometimes our partner has absolutely changed, but we have
Speaker 1: refused to allow that change to exist. That doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that the change didn't happen. It means that we have
Speaker 1: refused to see it. So maybe your husband used to
Speaker 1: be really irresponsible, right, Maybe he was bad with money,
Speaker 1: he was an alcoholic, he spent all of his free
Speaker 1: time gaming whatever, whatever, whatever. Then over the last five
Speaker 1: years he's spent a lot of his time working on
Speaker 1: becoming a very dependable man of his word, living with
Speaker 1: integrity kind of person. But every disagreement eventually ends with
Speaker 1: you talking to him like he's still that twenty one
Speaker 1: year old alcoholic gamer that was very irresponsible. The version
Speaker 1: of him in your head when you become wronged, goes
Speaker 1: back to twenty one years old, not twenty six years old.
Speaker 1: In the last five years of work, somehow gets negated
Speaker 1: because you have this fuck you story in your head.
Speaker 1: There's a resentment there that hasn't been worked through yet.
Speaker 1: Maybe your wife used to be jealous and insecure. She's
Speaker 1: worked on herself for years, but you still interpret every
Speaker 1: question through that old version of her. So when she's
Speaker 1: trying to be a part of your world, you get
Speaker 1: a defensive and attacker. We actually see this a lot
Speaker 1: on the podcast. We can trap people inside of the
Speaker 1: identities that they have already outgrown, and kind of here's
Speaker 1: a good way to say, think about this. All of
Speaker 1: us have that person in our lives that are not
Speaker 1: always in our lives, but are in the background at
Speaker 1: a distance that we view them as that thing. So like,
Speaker 1: maybe it's a nephew who was thirteen the last time
Speaker 1: you saw them, and the next time you see them
Speaker 1: they're twenty two, and you're like, oh my fucking god,
Speaker 1: you grew up, Like what happened? You're a kid? Still
Speaker 1: this this shouldn't be a thing. Your cousins look older,
Speaker 1: The people that you used to work with that you
Speaker 1: saw at a job have aged a lot, maybe they've
Speaker 1: gotten fat and had fifteen kids, like who the fuck knows.
Speaker 1: But in our mind we have a very specific version
Speaker 1: of these people based off of our last good or
Speaker 1: really bad interactions. Right, And when you really think about
Speaker 1: how that makes you feel when it sees them, it
Speaker 1: also reflects back to you because bitch, your aging. Also, like,
Speaker 1: you ain't that fucking spring chicken anymore. You might be
Speaker 1: if y'all are in your twenties. Congratulations, you fuckers, I'm
Speaker 1: not so the idea of who they were become shattered
Speaker 1: because they have been gone a while. This happens in
Speaker 1: your relationships. The only difference is we choose to hold
Speaker 1: on to the older versions of the people in our
Speaker 1: relationships instead of updating the data all the time. And
Speaker 1: what's really wild is once I've decided who you are,
Speaker 1: I start interpreting your behavior through that lens. It's through
Speaker 1: the conclusion that I already have that you are irresponsible,
Speaker 1: that you were insecure, that I if I want to
Speaker 1: come to you about something, I know there's about to
Speaker 1: be a big mishap or a fight or whatever the
Speaker 1: case may be, And like, is it really even worth it?
Speaker 1: What the fuck? Now? This is my story, This is
Speaker 1: what I believe based off of the data of I've
Speaker 1: collected and the things that I have failed to see.
Speaker 1: Because there's insecurity or hurt or whatever whatever. There. Once
Speaker 1: I've decided that you're selfish, I will notice selfishness again.
Speaker 1: The things that you look for are the things that
Speaker 1: you will find once I've decided you're controlling, questions become control.
Speaker 1: If I've decided you're lazy and I see you resting laziness.
Speaker 1: If I've decided that you're emotionally unavailable and you say
Speaker 1: I need space, that looks like rejection. That looks like
Speaker 1: you don't love me anymore. Right when you are living
Speaker 1: through that cognitive bias. Because we've talked about this a lot,
Speaker 1: you and Peach Burkett, oh, she actually threw her last
Speaker 1: name in there, have opened my eyes to a new perspective,
Speaker 1: or multiple perspectives. This helps when I ground myself and
Speaker 1: make myself think as a process. I wasn't taught how
Speaker 1: to regulate as a kid. Now as a twenty six
Speaker 1: year old, it's one of the hardest things to do,
Speaker 1: having to check myself in the moment. It's the most
Speaker 1: important part. I do it better myself and my future relationships.
Speaker 1: Thank you both. You're welcome. That's called self mastery, guys,
Speaker 1: That's exactly what that is. And that's amazing. Again, I
Speaker 1: will absolutely interact with the chat. I want to get
Speaker 1: to this document and then we can have all kinds
Speaker 1: of cool talks. So again, once I understand that I'm
Speaker 1: no longer responding to what you're doing today, I'm responding
Speaker 1: to the accumulative stories that I have developed and put
Speaker 1: to together over the last twenty years of me or
Speaker 1: five years, or two years or six months of me
Speaker 1: collecting data about what is So here's the question, how
Speaker 1: difficult is it to become a different person when the
Speaker 1: person closest to you continues to remind you who you
Speaker 1: used to be. This you hear people say a lot
Speaker 1: of things like, if I'm going to be accused of it,
Speaker 1: I'm going to do it because I'm already paying the debt,
Speaker 1: or I'm already doing the time for the crime I
Speaker 1: didn't commit, I might as well go ahead and do
Speaker 1: the thing. If she constantly accuses me of cheating, why
Speaker 1: not go cheat? Like that's a very rudimentary way of
Speaker 1: explaining what I ask. But there's a good question, and
Speaker 1: it should be something that you guys ponder on. There's
Speaker 1: also an opposite problem here, and that sometimes we assume
Speaker 1: someone has changed when they haven't. We project our growth
Speaker 1: onto them because we've grown. We think, surely they understand
Speaker 1: that this is different, but we don't ask, right, there's
Speaker 1: no curiosity. This is the hole. Well they should know?
Speaker 1: How should they know? You have an understanding of something.
Speaker 1: I may not have an understanding of something, and that
Speaker 1: could be very common bare minimum information for you, because
Speaker 1: that's something that you've done your entire life and I've
Speaker 1: never even seen that before. So it's not common sense,
Speaker 1: it's lived life perspective. So again, curiosity both directions that
Speaker 1: absolutely matters. The first part of this is curiosity. Guys.
Speaker 1: So you may know your wife Starbucks, order her shoe size,
Speaker 1: her favorite restaurant, her birthday, favorite movie, and exactly how
Speaker 1: she likes her eggs, and still have no idea what
Speaker 1: she's struggling with right now. You could know everything about
Speaker 1: someone without knowing what's happening inside of someone. The Goatmans
Speaker 1: called this love mapping. For those of you who don't know,
Speaker 1: we are giant fans of the Gotman Institute, love mapping
Speaker 1: is something that they talk about in a lot of
Speaker 1: their books. Love mapping is not about memorizing trivia about
Speaker 1: your spouse it's about maintaining an ongoing understanding of their
Speaker 1: internal world. What are they worried about, who are they becoming,
Speaker 1: what's currently exciting for them, What pressure are they carrying?
Speaker 1: What dreams do they have now? What are their goals
Speaker 1: now that life has changed. It's a constant, curious dialogue
Speaker 1: back and forth of the future and what is happening
Speaker 1: When you guys think about it, dating is a big
Speaker 1: interview right, the courting phase, the dating phase, it is
Speaker 1: an interview process. It's it's trying to find out exactly
Speaker 1: how compatible you may be with another person, and is
Speaker 1: this compatibility enough? Like is this if we're talking, like,
Speaker 1: you know, out of a ten point checklist, If we're
Speaker 1: at a six or below, this isn't worth doing. If
Speaker 1: we're at a seven or an eight, this could really work.
Speaker 1: If we're at a nine or ten, let's go right.
Speaker 1: But that's the point of the interview process. It's about
Speaker 1: trying to understand compatibil If you treat your marriage or
Speaker 1: your long term relationship as a constant interview, that initial curiosity,
Speaker 1: learning phase, excitement will never go away because you are
Speaker 1: remaining emotionally invested in somebody else's existence. So things to
Speaker 1: do that you can say things like tell me about yourself.
Speaker 1: I know this sounds really cheesy, but if you're at
Speaker 1: dinner with your partner and you haven't had a real
Speaker 1: conversation about anything other than your delegated responsibilities and your
Speaker 1: you know, your after action reviews, and you are, you know,
Speaker 1: just going through the motions of dictating what your life
Speaker 1: has been like having a conversation of you know, tell
Speaker 1: me about yourself. That that could be an open conversation
Speaker 1: of why I've been doing pilates or I've been working
Speaker 1: out again and you know, I'm starting to feel good
Speaker 1: about my body and and like there can be a
Speaker 1: real intimate conversation that comes from that because you asked
Speaker 1: a question that matters to the person and not just
Speaker 1: to the superficial apple aspective. Things. Other questions you can
Speaker 1: say is what do you want out of life? Tell
Speaker 1: me something about your childhood that I don't know yet.
Speaker 1: You'd be surprised at the things that people hold on
Speaker 1: to that they never discuss. What's what's your new biggest fear?
Speaker 1: What what do you want our retirement to look like?
Speaker 1: Has that changed? So it's important to remember that just
Speaker 1: because you got married, the interview isn't over. You know,
Speaker 1: the wedding seems to be the goal for most people,
Speaker 1: and that's the endpoint. The wedding is the beginning of
Speaker 1: the marriage. It's not the end point. It's the start
Speaker 1: of your life. So it's important to try to keep
Speaker 1: that in mind. All right, Before I move on, I
Speaker 1: just want to say we can simultaneously change internally, communicate
Speaker 1: none of it, and then resent our partner for continuing
Speaker 1: to operate from the last information that we gave them.
Speaker 1: And I only want I only put that on there
Speaker 1: because I want to talk about resentment for a second. Guys,
Speaker 1: Resentment changes the lens that you view your people through.
Speaker 1: And again, I talked about this yesterday on the live stream.
Speaker 1: Might have been on a private live on the day before,
Speaker 1: but we we we all have different lenses that we
Speaker 1: view people through. You treat your best friend different than
Speaker 1: your partner. You treat your coworker different than your best friend,
Speaker 1: and like, even in like mentoring groups and coaching and
Speaker 1: the things that we have to interact with people. When
Speaker 1: we have a resentment built up towards somebody, we are
Speaker 1: going to find ourselves very irritable. We are not going
Speaker 1: to be giving the best version of ourselves. We're not
Speaker 1: going to live from a place of curiosity. We are
Speaker 1: going to be very I know that this is who
Speaker 1: this person is and they're not going to change, so
Speaker 1: why bother? Right, It creates a lot of like little
Speaker 1: bitch mentality, like you're kind of quitting, right, and you're
Speaker 1: doing yourself a massive disservice for that. So so that's
Speaker 1: the first part of that. That's curiosity. Next part of
Speaker 1: this is going to get into privacy. Somebody said, what
Speaker 1: happens when you ask those questions but never get an answer?
Speaker 1: Do they just sit in silence and stare at you?
Speaker 1: Or do they say I don't know because I I
Speaker 1: don't know and not answering the question is two different answers, right,
Speaker 1: Not answering the question and just sitting in silence and
Speaker 1: staring at you like you got three heads. That's a
Speaker 1: whole ass different situation. Somebody saying I don't know means
Speaker 1: they either haven't thought about it or you're not safe
Speaker 1: enough to really have that conversation. And both of those
Speaker 1: are a problem for different reasons. I would probe when
Speaker 1: I hear I don't know, maybe give some of your
Speaker 1: ideas and the things that you want and try to
Speaker 1: get them engaged. And as they're talking, shut the fuck
Speaker 1: up and really listen, let them speak, validate the things
Speaker 1: that they say, try to ask questions that continue them speaking.
Speaker 1: What I hear you say, is is that correct? And
Speaker 1: then let them continue to talk. It goes a long way.
Speaker 1: You have to learn how to open up communications with
Speaker 1: people when you have consciously or subconsciously trained people not
Speaker 1: to speak. How do you, guys, get over the resentment?
Speaker 1: That's a great question. Honestly, that's an individual thing. That's
Speaker 1: not like a one size fits all. It's it's going
Speaker 1: to come down to communication. It's going to come down
Speaker 1: to having hard conversations about the things that build the resentment,
Speaker 1: and it's about having your partner respond well to it.
Speaker 1: Like you have to find a way to actively talk
Speaker 1: to them. If you come to your person and you've
Speaker 1: got resentment and you attack them and they attack you back,
Speaker 1: that resentment's going to build. If you can come to
Speaker 1: them about what you're feeling and what's going on, and
Speaker 1: they're receptive to it and they're able to start making
Speaker 1: changes and you're able to notice the change that resentment
Speaker 1: will slowly fade, but you have to also be cognitive
Speaker 1: of the fact that you are having those problems. It's
Speaker 1: a lot to think about. It's when people ask open
Speaker 1: ended basic questions like that, like how do I get
Speaker 1: rid of resentment? How do I trust again? How do
Speaker 1: I get over infidelity? Like, there's no answer for that.
Speaker 1: We don't know. I don't know you, I don't know
Speaker 1: your situation. I don't know what your relationship looks like.
Speaker 1: I don't know where the resentment comes from. I don't
Speaker 1: know their hand in the story. Like, that's such an
Speaker 1: open ended question that the it's generic and I can
Speaker 1: only give you generic answers for that, and those generic
Speaker 1: answers will always start with you have to communicate. I
Speaker 1: recommend that everybody that listens to our podcast do the
Speaker 1: check ins with their person. It's free. There's a pdf
Speaker 1: on our website. You can go download it. If you
Speaker 1: need more support. Beyond that, we have the Patreon and Discord,
Speaker 1: we have private mentoring groups. There's a whole lot there
Speaker 1: that goes into all of that. You can find all
Speaker 1: that on the website as well to Bebetter dot com.
Speaker 1: That's my answer to that. So the next part of
Speaker 1: this is privacy versus secrecy in a relationship. Does marriage
Speaker 1: entitle your partner to everything? Phones, passwords, conversations, friendships, finances, financials,
Speaker 1: location sharing? And where does reasonable privacy end and secrecy begin?
Speaker 1: I'm entitled to Privacy can be legitimate, but it can
Speaker 1: also become a convenient cover for behavior that you know
Speaker 1: would hurt your partner. You guys know the difference between
Speaker 1: privacy and secrecy. Privacy is having parts of yourself that
Speaker 1: aren't constantly observed, and secrecy is intentionally withholding information because
Speaker 1: disclosure would change your person's understanding, choices, or consent. Just
Speaker 1: because you get married doesn't mean that you are no
Speaker 1: longer an individual. We tell you guys all the time
Speaker 1: that you can live as one flesh and still have
Speaker 1: your own individual wants and desires and hobbies. And it's
Speaker 1: super fucking healthy to have that individuality. If you guys
Speaker 1: are up each other's ass twenty four to seven and
Speaker 1: everything that you do is together, eventually you are going
Speaker 1: to have nothing to talk about. There's nothing going to
Speaker 1: be new and exciting. Your conversations will be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just thought about that time we went ziplining. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that was a great time. You were both there for that.
Speaker 1: That was it was, it was a good time. Like
Speaker 1: that's what I got. That's I don't know what to
Speaker 1: tell you. That those conversations become very shallow, they're not
Speaker 1: very very meaningful. You might both smile for a second
Speaker 1: because it's a good memory. But if you have a
Speaker 1: new hobby and your doing your hobby and you come
Speaker 1: back super excited because maybe you you know, shot a
Speaker 1: perfect day at the range, or you took an amazing
Speaker 1: photo of a bee and a flower, or you know whatever,
Speaker 1: and you have open dialogue and your person is excited
Speaker 1: and supportive, and is you know, just happy that you're happy.
Speaker 1: It gives you, guys a whole lot of things to
Speaker 1: continue to talk about. But you also have to be
Speaker 1: invested in their shit the way that they are in yours.
Speaker 1: You should be able to have private thoughts your a
Speaker 1: journal when you guys, journal should never be invaded. That
Speaker 1: should be yours, It should be solely yours, that's completely
Speaker 1: off limit to your partner. You should be able to
Speaker 1: have conversation with your friends that are not automatically your
Speaker 1: spouse's business. You should, I mean some of you, I
Speaker 1: personally poop with the door open, but you should be
Speaker 1: able to take a shit without being You don't need
Speaker 1: an audience. I would like my wife in the bathroom
Speaker 1: when I poop, because it gives me someone talk to
Speaker 1: keeps me from doom scrolling. It's a great time. You don't
Speaker 1: surrender your personhood simply because you get married. But privacy
Speaker 1: can become a really convenient word when what you're actually
Speaker 1: protecting is your behavior. I deserve privacy. Okay, what exactly
Speaker 1: are you trying to keep private? And more importantly, why
Speaker 1: there's a whole lot of people out there that have
Speaker 1: no problem handing their device to their wife. My wife
Speaker 1: can get on my computer, she can come get my
Speaker 1: phone right now and walk away, and I would just
Speaker 1: continue recording. There's absolutely nothing there for me to hide.
Speaker 1: I also know that if she did that, she's looking
Speaker 1: for conversations with other women. She's not going to open
Speaker 1: the conversation between me and Sean, because the conversations that
Speaker 1: Sean and I have, she knows are you know, what
Speaker 1: if he's telling me, What if my best friend is
Speaker 1: going through a really ugly moment, What if he's contemplating
Speaker 1: removing himself from the earthly realm and he just needed
Speaker 1: someone to confide in. And she grabbed my phone and
Speaker 1: went through that and then and the next time she
Speaker 1: saw him, was like, Oh, I hope you're feeling better.
Speaker 1: You know, I know that you weren't wanting to be
Speaker 1: here anymore. Blah blah blah blah blah. And he looked
Speaker 1: at me like, what the fuck, dude, I told you
Speaker 1: that in private, Like that was me bleeding on you
Speaker 1: because I needed a brother right now, and you fucking
Speaker 1: went and told her that. Like, there's a level of
Speaker 1: it's not just your privacy that's being invaded when you're
Speaker 1: having conversations with people, it's the other people's lives as well.
Speaker 1: And we've talked about that on the podcast too, So
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go a whole lot further into that,
Speaker 1: but that's that's kind of important. So if you don't
Speaker 1: want if I don't want you reading my journal because
Speaker 1: it's where I process unfinished thoughts, that's privacy. If I
Speaker 1: don't want you reading my messages because I'm flirting with
Speaker 1: somebody and I know you'd have a problem with it,
Speaker 1: that secrecy. If my friend tells me something deeply personal
Speaker 1: and asks me not to tell anyone, including my wife.
Speaker 1: Protecting their confidence can be privacy. Uh. I've made it
Speaker 1: very clear that if you guys don't want my wife
Speaker 1: to know about something, don't tell me, because I'm not
Speaker 1: going to keep a secret. She's the most important thing
Speaker 1: to me. I will I will try to prevent from
Speaker 1: from breaking that the covenant that we have made when
Speaker 1: you told me something in private. But I'm also not
Speaker 1: going to deny her if she pries, so that would
Speaker 1: look like, what are you guys talking about? Uh. He's
Speaker 1: kind of going through something right now and he's asked
Speaker 1: me not to talk about it, and I told him
Speaker 1: I wouldn't, but he knows that if you priye, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna tell you. So if you really want
Speaker 1: to know, I'll tell you. But I did tell him
Speaker 1: I'm not going to break his his silence. That's what
Speaker 1: that looks like. Where's Peaches? She left me? I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1: She's homeschooling the kids right now, guys. We we Tuesday
Speaker 1: of this week we started school and we are homeschooling
Speaker 1: our second and third grader and from four in the
Speaker 1: morning until eleven in the morning, I have just me.
Speaker 1: I don't have anything to do other than like my
Speaker 1: gym stuff. I sit down and create these documents, and
Speaker 1: I do all of these things, and I am enjoying
Speaker 1: having the opportunity to go live and hang out with
Speaker 1: people and try to just get information out there. This
Speaker 1: is very entertaining for me. I really fucking enjoy what
Speaker 1: I do. So while she's homeschooling, I'm back here, not
Speaker 1: being around the kids, letting her do the thing, and
Speaker 1: I'm in the back half of the house. So it
Speaker 1: guy said, that's the next internet thing. Oh, it already
Speaker 1: is an internet thing. Everybody already thinks that we got divorced,
Speaker 1: and that there's people out there who were saying that
Speaker 1: we were never married to begin with, and a whole
Speaker 1: bunch of other stupid shit. So I just couldn't let
Speaker 1: that go because it was a good opportunity to be
Speaker 1: an ass. So if I'm talking to that friend about
Speaker 1: problems in my marriage and deliberately deleting those conversations because
Speaker 1: I don't want her knowing how emotionally intimate we've become,
Speaker 1: it's also not privacy, right, it's something different. The behavior
Speaker 1: can almost look identical from the outside, but the intention
Speaker 1: behind the concealment is what matters. Something to ask your
Speaker 1: partner in a situation like this is if you knew
Speaker 1: I wouldn't get angry, would you still need to hide
Speaker 1: it from me? So sometimes if we're being honest with ourselves,
Speaker 1: we're not protecting our privacy. We're protecting ourselves from the
Speaker 1: consequences of the choices that we've made. Here's another question.
Speaker 1: Does your behavior change if your partner walks into the room? Right?
Speaker 1: That says a whole lot about things as well. If
Speaker 1: you're texting someone and your spouse walks over to you
Speaker 1: till your phone away, do you close the app? Do
Speaker 1: you then go back later and delete it? Do you
Speaker 1: change the subject? This is not automatically proof that someone's
Speaker 1: doing something wrong, but it's absolutely worth examining, both for you,
Speaker 1: the one doing it, and them, like why do you
Speaker 1: feel the need to close that app? That's one of
Speaker 1: those things that really creates a whole lot of insecurities
Speaker 1: in people and real shit. Sometimes somebody can walk in
Speaker 1: the room as you're putting your phone down, and they
Speaker 1: will think you're putting your phone down because they walked
Speaker 1: into the room. There's a whole lot of this is
Speaker 1: the story we tell ourselves in these moments, right, and
Speaker 1: it's important to recognize that too. And if you feel
Speaker 1: insecure in that moment, instead of just mentally clocking that
Speaker 1: they put their phone down, ask them, hey, Like, I
Speaker 1: just walked into the room and saw you put your
Speaker 1: phone down. And I don't know if you were done
Speaker 1: on your phone or if I walked in and startled
Speaker 1: you and you put your phone down, But I'm feeling
Speaker 1: super fucking insecure right now over this, Like I need
Speaker 1: to know that, Like you're not doing anything nefarious, right,
Speaker 1: Maybe this is a past trauma, maybe it's recent changed
Speaker 1: behavior is making me feel like I can't trust you
Speaker 1: right now, But like, can we talk about that? Talk
Speaker 1: about it? What were you doing just now? I don't know, Guys,
Speaker 1: you need to have the talks. And here's an even
Speaker 1: harder test. Would your partner knowing the information that's going
Speaker 1: on reasonably change a decision that they are currently making
Speaker 1: about your relationship. For example, imagine somebody says something like,
Speaker 1: my finances are private, and the other person's the one
Speaker 1: that handles all the finances, takes care of all the bills,
Speaker 1: and the person who said my finances are private, has
Speaker 1: accumulated forty thousand dollars in debt because they are irresponsible
Speaker 1: as fuck, and the person that handles the finances believes
Speaker 1: that they're putting money in savings and everything is good. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: there's forty thousand dollars of debt that no one is
Speaker 1: really aware of, right, Jonathan, And the chat said, your
Speaker 1: book No One Is Coming to Save You has changed
Speaker 1: who I am, and I thank you for that. Man.
Speaker 1: I love that. I fucking love that, you know. I
Speaker 1: don't really push my books. I wrote them, I got
Speaker 1: them out there. I got some signed copies out to people,
Speaker 1: and did like the author thing because I wanted to
Speaker 1: be an author, and that was a lot of that
Speaker 1: was about getting the information out and being able to
Speaker 1: say I wrote a book, and I wrote two of them,
Speaker 1: and I very rarely promote them. Every once in a while,
Speaker 1: I'll post them to the Instagram story. But like after
Speaker 1: I recorded the books and stuck them on YouTube for
Speaker 1: free so that people can sit down and just listen
Speaker 1: to it, I quit promoting that shit altogether. Like I
Speaker 1: think maybe in the last eight months i've posted it twice.
Speaker 1: I just don't think to do it anyway. Once that
Speaker 1: becomes a thing, then your partner believes that they're financially
Speaker 1: stable and you've been hiding this debt. That's not privacy anymore.
Speaker 1: You are concealing things that would change the way that
Speaker 1: they view conduct and believe about the relationship. The same
Speaker 1: thing goes with infidelity, gambling, addiction. The same thing goes
Speaker 1: with maintaining contact with somebody that you agreed to not
Speaker 1: not have contact with. The question becomes less about am
Speaker 1: I entitled to privacy and more about does withholding this
Speaker 1: information prevent my partner from making an informed choice. If
Speaker 1: you have a conversation about you not speaking to somebody,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't matter if this is a male or
Speaker 1: a female, and you know your person has a problem
Speaker 1: with that person, regardless of what that is, I don't
Speaker 1: care if they don't like them. I don't care if
Speaker 1: they don't like you liking them. I don't care if
Speaker 1: they don't like that you're in a group chat together
Speaker 1: or whatever it is. This really could get into control
Speaker 1: and manipulation and a whole lot of other things. Let's
Speaker 1: assume you have a healthy relationship and just leave it
Speaker 1: at that. Peach just comes to me and goes, hey,
Speaker 1: I don't like the way that the interactions play out
Speaker 1: between you guys. And this has actually happened, so this
Speaker 1: is not a hypothetical thing. And I'm like, well, what
Speaker 1: about the hobby that we are all engaged in. I
Speaker 1: enjoy said hobby, and knowing that this is a thing,
Speaker 1: is going to remove me from the group of people,
Speaker 1: not just that person, and the hobby that I enjoyed doing.
Speaker 1: And it took a little bit of time. We had
Speaker 1: a lot of conversations about it, but eventually I just
Speaker 1: removed myself from that hobby altogether. I no longer associate
Speaker 1: with that entire group of people. And it wasn't because
Speaker 1: she was trying to control me. It was because I
Speaker 1: could tell that every time there was an interaction with
Speaker 1: this other person, it bothered her. This is we had
Speaker 1: a conversation, she explained how she felt and then left
Speaker 1: it to me to make the decision to do the
Speaker 1: right thing, and I did right. This is not control,
Speaker 1: it's not manipulation. This is a man looking out for
Speaker 1: the emotional well being of his woman. Protect provide, lead,
Speaker 1: protection and provision does not just mean physical safety and
Speaker 1: financial So when you understand that there are deeper levels
Speaker 1: to all of this, and you want to be a
Speaker 1: good man, it makes it a whole lot easier to
Speaker 1: do this at the thing and ladies, it's no different
Speaker 1: for you. You guys have your own structure and your
Speaker 1: relationships and things that you're supposed to bring. And if
Speaker 1: you are asking your man not to like thirst traps
Speaker 1: and you're posting thirst traps right this, it's a big
Speaker 1: fucking problem. So then you've got the other side of this,
Speaker 1: because transparency can become control as well. I shouldn't have
Speaker 1: to hide. Anything can turn into give me your password,
Speaker 1: share your location, let me read your messages, prove where
Speaker 1: you're going, show me who you're talking to. Take a
Speaker 1: picture of yourself right FaceTime me so I know you're
Speaker 1: actually there. That's not trust, that's not belief. That's not safety.
Speaker 1: That's surveillance. That's surveillance. Right. If you need constant evidence
Speaker 1: that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing,
Speaker 1: we don't have trust. What we have is verification. That's exhausting.
Speaker 1: That's exhausting for the person who's attached to it. It's
Speaker 1: exhausting for the person who's experiencing it. It's exhausting for
Speaker 1: the social circles around it. If you were at dinner
Speaker 1: with a couple of your friends and every five minutes
Speaker 1: your phone is going off and you're interrupting the conversation
Speaker 1: and you're taking selfies, and it's this constantly and this constantly,
Speaker 1: and look at who's here, And here's a picture of
Speaker 1: my food, and here's the sign of Chili's. And here's
Speaker 1: a picture of my tire parked in this parking spot
Speaker 1: with Chili's in the background. Like your friends aren't gonna
Speaker 1: want to go hang out with any I wouldn't want
Speaker 1: to hang out with somebody like that. I don't want
Speaker 1: to go and be attached to a digital device and
Speaker 1: a screen when I'm supposed to be having real life
Speaker 1: social interactions with the people I care about it. It's
Speaker 1: fucking exhausting. And sometimes verification is temporarily appropriate after infidelity.
Speaker 1: For example, transparency can become part of the rebuilding trust.
Speaker 1: Someone who has been set has been deceptive does not
Speaker 1: get to demand immediate blind trust simply because they apologized so. Ideally,
Speaker 1: transparency can help rebuild trust until surveillance becomes unnecessary. In
Speaker 1: the case of infidelity and major breaches, of trust. I
Speaker 1: think that surveillance is necessary as part of the trust
Speaker 1: rebuilding process. The problem is is, I mean, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of problems with that, the surveillance aspect. We've done
Speaker 1: this long enough now that we've done episodes on cheating apps.
Speaker 1: I know how easy it would be for anyone to
Speaker 1: do nefarious shit from their phone, if that's who they are,
Speaker 1: and having full access and being able to go in
Speaker 1: and look and do the thing. It would not be
Speaker 1: hard for somebody to hide things if they really wanted
Speaker 1: to be that person. And if they are continuing to
Speaker 1: do those things, they didn't have remorse and really want
Speaker 1: to change, they have just found another way to attempt
Speaker 1: to not get caught. That says a lot about their
Speaker 1: character and their integrity, what the relationship really means, and
Speaker 1: like that's a whole other conversation in itself. So if
Speaker 1: you have the transparency until surveillance is no longer needed,
Speaker 1: if you allow this surveillance to continue beyond that point,
Speaker 1: what you have as a prison guard inmate situation, and
Speaker 1: when you have that, there's no way to have real
Speaker 1: intimacy about the relationship anymore. And I don't just mean
Speaker 1: sexy time I mean true intimate moments. There's always going
Speaker 1: to be a level of control and insecurity, a lot
Speaker 1: ugly that comes along with that. You guys think that
Speaker 1: married couples should have each other's phone passwords. Real shit.
Speaker 1: If I wasn't worried about well, a police officer going
Speaker 1: through my phone and seeing all the naked photos I
Speaker 1: have of my wife on my phone, I wouldn't. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't even lock my shit. I just wouldn't. I have.
Speaker 1: I have locks in place on my phone for my
Speaker 1: fourth Amendment. Beyond that, I don't give a fuck. I don't.
Speaker 1: So all of you who have said yes, why why
Speaker 1: do you feel well people are saying for emergencies? Is
Speaker 1: that your only answer? Or do you think that it's
Speaker 1: so that you can dig through their shit? Like, I'm
Speaker 1: curious what that looks like. If my phone is ringing
Speaker 1: and I'm in the shower and it's somebody like, it
Speaker 1: doesn't say spam call, I'll tell Peters to answer my phone.
Speaker 1: Don't give a fuck. If my phone goes off and
Speaker 1: it's across the room and I'm not wearing my watch
Speaker 1: and I see it's a text message, I'm asking for
Speaker 1: who that was, and what do they want? Respond to
Speaker 1: it like, I don't give a fuck, which is why
Speaker 1: I'm asking why this is a thing, because I would
Speaker 1: be pissed if she went through my wallet or my
Speaker 1: back pack and there's nothing in there. But everything is
Speaker 1: exactly where I want it to be. And if you
Speaker 1: start moving shit, it's like touching my desk. That's really
Speaker 1: weird when you think about it, Like if my pen's
Speaker 1: not where I left my pin, it infuriates the fuck
Speaker 1: out of me, spicy brain. That's the thing for me, guys. Okay,
Speaker 1: So then for those of you who don't want regardless
Speaker 1: of what your answer was for the password thing, what
Speaker 1: happens if your spouse asks for your phone? Would you
Speaker 1: just give it to him? Would it start a fight?
Speaker 1: Would it just be, uh, like, what do you need?
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask her what she wants to she
Speaker 1: hands me the phone, because if she's looking for something specific,
Speaker 1: I can get to it a whole lot faster than her.
Speaker 1: I'm an iPhone user, she's an Android user, so like
Speaker 1: real shit that matters. I tried to move to an
Speaker 1: iPhone and she or to an Android, and she had
Speaker 1: my phone in her hand more than I did. I
Speaker 1: don't know how to do any of this shit, Like
Speaker 1: I fuck androids. I have been on an iPhone for
Speaker 1: like ten years now and trying to move from platform
Speaker 1: to platform. Nope, no, I'm good. That's why I don't
Speaker 1: use Apple. That's why I still use Windows. Shit, even
Speaker 1: though my phone is an iPhone, I don't do any
Speaker 1: Mac anything. And real shit, there's a lot of Mac
Speaker 1: devices that I would love to have, but I'm not
Speaker 1: trying to fuck with their operating system. Having to press
Speaker 1: an optional button or an extra button to do shortcuts
Speaker 1: and stuff like. It's not worth it to me. Somebody said,
Speaker 1: the only thing I wouldn't want my man to see
Speaker 1: is my calculator, because then he could see that I
Speaker 1: can't do simple math. You realize that there's a calculator
Speaker 1: cheating app, right, and it's it's an actual thing, and
Speaker 1: you have to enter in a mathematical equation to open
Speaker 1: the app so that you can see all of the pictures,
Speaker 1: and it's like a whole locked cheating thing. That was
Speaker 1: one of the most commonly used cheating apps. Yeah, she said, jokes, jokes.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I actually know that peaches can't do
Speaker 1: basic math. I'm the math person because I deal with
Speaker 1: finances and because I had to know weights and measurements
Speaker 1: when I was younger. So if they asked to look
Speaker 1: at your phone, and why are they asking to look
Speaker 1: at your phone? I think are two very different conversations.
Speaker 1: If Peaches asked for my phone and I got nervous,
Speaker 1: right or I started to feel uneasier panicky, she would
Speaker 1: feel that your brain and your heart puts off two
Speaker 1: separate emf fields. And if you walk into a room
Speaker 1: and there's tension in the room and nobody has said
Speaker 1: a fucking word, yet you feel it. You feel it.
Speaker 1: It's like walking into the mist. You don't know what
Speaker 1: the fuck is in that myss, but something ain't right
Speaker 1: and you're about to get eaten. You feel it right.
Speaker 1: So she would feel that anxiety. She would feel that
Speaker 1: something's not right, and like that could create a problem. Now,
Speaker 1: on the other side of that, if every time we
Speaker 1: went to bed at night she was like, let me
Speaker 1: see your phone, that would create an issue all in itself,
Speaker 1: because now I feel like you just want to fucking
Speaker 1: know every facet of my life, and like you don't
Speaker 1: trust me, and what's the point of being in a
Speaker 1: relationship if there is no trust there. We've talked about
Speaker 1: this in season one. If I'm doing something that makes
Speaker 1: you feel like you need to dig through my phone,
Speaker 1: the relationship is done. That doesn't mean I'm going to
Speaker 1: end the relationship because you asked to go through my phone.
Speaker 1: It means that you don't fucking trust me anymore. I
Speaker 1: don't trust you, or whatever the case may be. And
Speaker 1: without trust, there's no relationship. There has to be some
Speaker 1: sort of trust and respect as a base, concrete foundation
Speaker 1: for you to build everything on top of. Without that,
Speaker 1: there's no relationship there. So like that's been the conversation.
Speaker 1: I may not have worded it that great in the
Speaker 1: beginning because I knew what the fuck I was talking about,
Speaker 1: didn't quite have the words for other people to get it.
Speaker 1: First video I ever did on TikTok that had more
Speaker 1: than a million views on it was people ripping me
Speaker 1: apart because I had said that shit. So so, one
Speaker 1: person's secrecy and another person's insecurity can create exactly the
Speaker 1: same behavior phone checking, while requiring completely different solutions. Uh,
Speaker 1: And sometimes they absolutely feed off of each other. One
Speaker 1: partner hides things because the other is intrusive and then
Speaker 1: the other one becomes intrusive because their partner hides things.
Speaker 1: So one person hides things because their partner is intrusive,
Speaker 1: the other becomes intrusive because their partner's hiding things. Now
Speaker 1: each person uses the other's behavior to justify their own insecurity.
Speaker 1: You snoop through everything. That's because you delete shit, right
Speaker 1: like I delete shit because you freak out about everything.
Speaker 1: I freak out because you're alwayshiding it's that's the fight,
Speaker 1: and both people feel justified. They both feel like they're right.
Speaker 1: And now you're at an impasse where you're defending yourself
Speaker 1: against somebody that you claim you love and trust. Because
Speaker 1: there's resentment and insecurity being had. Its just continues, round
Speaker 1: and round and round it goes, and then eventually nobody
Speaker 1: will remember where it started. They only know that it's happening,
Speaker 1: and the fact that it's happening is a problem. Now
Speaker 1: you add friendship into the mix, and it makes it
Speaker 1: it's even messier. If your friend tells you don't tell
Speaker 1: your wife. Does that mean that you automatically owe your
Speaker 1: friend or owe your wife to keep that secret or
Speaker 1: not keep that secret. I don't think that your spouse
Speaker 1: automatically owns information that somebody else entrusted you with. I
Speaker 1: also think that if you have a relationship like Peaches
Speaker 1: and I, I'm not going to keep something from her,
Speaker 1: even if it's not my story to be told, because
Speaker 1: I've made it very clear if you tell me something,
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell my wife. This is not about trust.
Speaker 1: It's about me not wanting to ever keep something from
Speaker 1: her or feeling like I have to pick between my
Speaker 1: wife or my best friend. So this is one of
Speaker 1: those things where somebody's like, hey, can I talk to you?
Speaker 1: If they are close to me, they already know that
Speaker 1: Peaches and I have that type of relationship. If they're
Speaker 1: not close to me, it doesn't really matter because we're
Speaker 1: not close, right. So let's say that you think that
Speaker 1: you should maintain that privacy because you agreed to give
Speaker 1: your word. Your word fucking matters. If you tell me
Speaker 1: not to say anything, and I tell you I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna say shit, doesn't matter who ask I'm not telling
Speaker 1: What if that thing is information that could directly impact
Speaker 1: your wife? Well what if it's what if it's something
Speaker 1: that could hurt them and you have given your word
Speaker 1: not to do it and then you break that word right,
Speaker 1: so like, it's not the point of that, it's this
Speaker 1: is not black and white. This is not an easy
Speaker 1: wham bam, thank you, ma'am answer. These are things to
Speaker 1: make you think. Shout out to Gina for subscribing to
Speaker 1: the channel. It means a lot. Let's say you're regularly
Speaker 1: discussing your marriage with someone and your spouse already feels
Speaker 1: uncomfortable uncomfortable about it, or you're sharing emotional intimacy with
Speaker 1: another person that you've stopped sharing with your spouse at
Speaker 1: that point it's a private friendship. But that becomes a
Speaker 1: real weak argument, right. This opens up the conversation to
Speaker 1: emotional affairs, emotional cheating, and eventually it's very likely to
Speaker 1: lead to physical intimacy. It could be a touch, it
Speaker 1: could be a kiss, it could be a hug. It
Speaker 1: could be a weird, in appropriate brushing up against each
Speaker 1: other or full on booty time like that. This is
Speaker 1: the steps that leads to those things. So think about this.
Speaker 1: Is there someone outside of your relationship who knows things
Speaker 1: about you that you are intentionally preventing your partner from
Speaker 1: knowing about. It's just something that you guys ponder because
Speaker 1: it says a lot about where you're at in a relationship. Right.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to answer it for you. There's nothing
Speaker 1: else to say about that. I just want you, guys
Speaker 1: to sit with that question. The next thing is shout
Speaker 1: out to the one hundred and twenty five people on YouTube
Speaker 1: and the twenty three people on Facebook watching right now.
Speaker 1: I appreciate that, guys. The next part of this is
Speaker 1: location sharing. Some people share locations because it's convenient. When
Speaker 1: Peaches and I got together, I didn't even know how
Speaker 1: to use that feature on my phone. I have never
Speaker 1: shared my location with another human being ever. I think
Speaker 1: that's an invasion of privacy, Like it's not happening. Got
Speaker 1: on the motorcycle one day and she's blowing my fucking
Speaker 1: phone up. She's like, where are you? You should have
Speaker 1: been home already, blah blah blah blah blah. I'm worried.
Speaker 1: I pulled over. She's like, can you turn on your
Speaker 1: location sharing so I can see where you're at if
Speaker 1: you're not moving? Maybe you went down like, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I can do that, and no big deal. I just
Speaker 1: fucking went ahead and turned it out. Well, she had
Speaker 1: to walk me through it. She had to walk me
Speaker 1: through how to turn on the location sharing and I
Speaker 1: did and she until she got went back to Android.
Speaker 1: She had my location all the time. It's one of
Speaker 1: those things that like, it doesn't impact my life for
Speaker 1: her to know where I am because I'm not doing
Speaker 1: anything wrong. And the argument isn't you know, well, if
Speaker 1: you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't be worried about it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter if she knows where I am, even
Speaker 1: I guess say, even if I am doing something wrong.
Speaker 1: I would rather her know where I am and know
Speaker 1: that I'm alive than fucking be worrying that I went
Speaker 1: down on my motorcycle or calling hospitals or jails to
Speaker 1: find out where I'm at because I should have been
Speaker 1: home an hour ago, right Like this also speaks to
Speaker 1: your inability to be respectful enough to your person to
Speaker 1: be honest with them about what's going on and where
Speaker 1: you're at a whole last conversation anyways, So some key
Speaker 1: people share locations because it's convenience. You can see how
Speaker 1: far away I am, you know, if I'm still at
Speaker 1: the store, if I'm driving whatever. But there's a huge
Speaker 1: difference between access and monitoring I can see where you are.
Speaker 1: Isn't the same as I need to know where you are.
Speaker 1: If I'm turning off location sharing and it causes immediate accusations,
Speaker 1: that's a conversation that needs to be had. I think
Speaker 1: people sometimes misunderstand the trust that needs to be presents
Speaker 1: present in the absence of boundaries. Right, trust is not
Speaker 1: you should trust me enough that I can do whatever
Speaker 1: I want. Trust is closer to you know enough about
Speaker 1: how I behave that this shouldn't bother you. Right Transparency
Speaker 1: isn't you have the right to inspect everything I do.
Speaker 1: It's I'm not deliberately constructing a false version of reality
Speaker 1: to gaslight you or manipulate you or whatever. You can
Speaker 1: have privacy while being honest. It's much harder to maintain
Speaker 1: secrecy without eventually requiring deception. Guys, all of this deception lies.
Speaker 1: All of that shit requires a whole bunch of maintenance.
Speaker 1: You have to emit something, you're changing a part of
Speaker 1: the story. You have to delete something. You have to
Speaker 1: remember what you said because, believe me, they're gonna remember.
Speaker 1: And if it's true and it's something you experienced, it's
Speaker 1: a whole lot easier to remember than some bullshit fucking
Speaker 1: lie that you made up in the moment. Then you
Speaker 1: have to defend why they shouldn't have asked, like, this
Speaker 1: is just a fucking mess. The original behavior might have
Speaker 1: been small, but maintaining the secret starts changing the relationship.
Speaker 1: There's also the question of agreements. Different couples legitimately have
Speaker 1: different standards. One couple may share passwords, another may not.
Speaker 1: One couple shares locations and other things that it's weird.
Speaker 1: One couple is comfortable with friendships with exs and another isn't.
Speaker 1: The mistake is assuming that there's one universal rule for
Speaker 1: all healthy couples of what they should should do. What
Speaker 1: matters is is what did we agree to when you
Speaker 1: guys start courting and you decide to move into the
Speaker 1: dating phase. When you move into the dating phase, there
Speaker 1: should be a conversation of expectations. I would I don't
Speaker 1: want you going to the bar. I don't want you
Speaker 1: posting pictures of yourself on a bikini on the internet.
Speaker 1: I don't want you watching porn. I don't want you
Speaker 1: going to the bar. Right Like, there's a back and
Speaker 1: forth of all of the things that is to be
Speaker 1: expected in this new covenant that you're making with somebody,
Speaker 1: even if it is just agreeing to be monogamous with
Speaker 1: each other in the initial dating phase. These conversations set
Speaker 1: the pace, the expectations, and the tone for the relationship
Speaker 1: moving forward. And this needs to happen when you move in.
Speaker 1: It needs to happen at the engagement. It needs to
Speaker 1: happen when you exchange your vowels, like it needs to
Speaker 1: happen as you renew your life expectancy. These conversation need
Speaker 1: to be continuously agreed upon. New information is going to
Speaker 1: come up, new ways to live your life is going
Speaker 1: to come up, new technology is going to come up,
Speaker 1: and you are going to have to to reinvest your
Speaker 1: time into your relationship. If we've agreed that flirting with
Speaker 1: other people is unacceptable, unacceptable, I don't get to secretly
Speaker 1: flirt and then defend myself by saying, well, you invaded
Speaker 1: my privacy. If we've never agreed to share locations, you
Speaker 1: don't get to demand mine and then say that it's
Speaker 1: suspicious because I'm refusing. Healthy boundaries will require real conversation.
Speaker 1: So if you hear something like if you trust me,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't need to see my phone, fair But on
Speaker 1: the other side of that, if there's nothing happening on
Speaker 1: your phone that threatens our relationship, why are you so
Speaker 1: terrified of me seeing it? Neither statement proves anything. I
Speaker 1: actually think that if worded differently, this could create a
Speaker 1: new curiosity that would allow you to have deeper conversations.
Speaker 1: So instead of give me your fucking phone, you can
Speaker 1: say something like, something about your behavior is off lately.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling insecure and the way that you've been using
Speaker 1: your phone is making me feel like you're hiding something.
Speaker 1: Can we talk about it? Instead of you're crazy? You
Speaker 1: need to trust me, you can say something like, what
Speaker 1: specifically have I been doing that is making you question
Speaker 1: whether or not I'm being honest with you or that
Speaker 1: I'm trustworthy? Why are you all of a sudden questioning
Speaker 1: my character? That gives you an opportunity to have a
Speaker 1: conversation without it becoming a fight. It could still become
Speaker 1: a fight, it could, but at least now you're trying
Speaker 1: to understand and you're being honest about things. Right, Hopefully
Speaker 1: you're being honest. I don't fucking know. You can ask yourself,
Speaker 1: what information does the person I've chosen to build a
Speaker 1: life with reasonably deserve to know. Maybe the line between
Speaker 1: privacy and secrecy is that privacy protects individuality and secrecy
Speaker 1: protects information. Then we have to ask ourselves why that
Speaker 1: information needs protecting, because if you don't, oh, your partner
Speaker 1: access to every thought, conversation or private moment you have.
Speaker 1: But if you're withholding something because you know the truth
Speaker 1: would change how they understand the relationship, it's probably not
Speaker 1: a privacy conversation anymore. Privacy was a lot longer of
Speaker 1: a conversation than curiosity was. I already know min no
Speaker 1: location sharing, no posts on social media, no going through
Speaker 1: each other's phones, though, would be big ones for me.
Speaker 1: I would want trust to develop that enough. So how
Speaker 1: does that look? Though? Like you have to me, I
Speaker 1: totally think that that's all fair. So I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that you're wrong for that, But how do you build
Speaker 1: that trust? Let's say that guys, we live in a
Speaker 1: world where people are fucking promiscuous and like, there is
Speaker 1: so much attention seeking from everyone online and this goes
Speaker 1: for males and females. You guys post in pictures of yourselves.
Speaker 1: You don't do that because you want to update your
Speaker 1: profile photo you do that because you want to be recognized.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you might have gotten a good photo and be like,
Speaker 1: this is a great picture of me, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to post this instead. Maybe that's a thing, right, You're
Speaker 1: still hoping that it's a better version of you than
Speaker 1: what was previously there, which speaks to ego in its
Speaker 1: own so like, you know, real shit, Like, how's that
Speaker 1: a thing? What is the name of your tattoo shop?
Speaker 1: In case me and the wif friend in the area
Speaker 1: want a new tattoo, It's sacred rights tattoo our. It
Speaker 1: s sacred rights as in rituals in Port Charlotte, Florida. Chris,
Speaker 1: thank you for everything. Because of you, I understood how
Speaker 1: to communicate my relationship and manage to have everything under control.
Speaker 1: Love that all right. So the next part of this
Speaker 1: is can attractions survive familiarity? This is going to be
Speaker 1: an interesting conversation. Okay, So we'll get to the chat, guys.
Speaker 1: I am absolute gonna hang out with you guys in
Speaker 1: the chat after I'm done with my document. So we
Speaker 1: talk about love lasting. We talk about roommate phases, honeymoon phases,
Speaker 1: the seven year itch, and all of the things that
Speaker 1: are cliche conversations. In the sphere of the podcast, we
Speaker 1: talk about desire, We talk about all kinds of crazy things,
Speaker 1: lots of good fun informing shit. But what happens when
Speaker 1: your partner becomes familiar, predictable, and safe. Does maintaining attraction
Speaker 1: require intentional effort? How much responsibility do we have for
Speaker 1: remaining attractive to our partner physically, emotionally, and behaviorally. I
Speaker 1: was going to go down a whole rabbit hole of
Speaker 1: women who no longer get dressed up and done up
Speaker 1: for their man. And as I was thinking about this document,
Speaker 1: while I was in the shower, it dawned on me
Speaker 1: that over the last six months, I've only put on
Speaker 1: regular pants once, and it was so that we could work.
Speaker 1: Put my boots on and did everything so that she
Speaker 1: could see me not looking like a bum. And today
Speaker 1: I'm wearing jeans and got my shoes on. I made
Speaker 1: myself look presentable. And when she walked in the room,
Speaker 1: she saw me put my jeans on and she went, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I'm just trying to look good for you,
Speaker 1: because I realize I wear hair and pants all day,
Speaker 1: every day, and I would imagine that I look quite
Speaker 1: bummy to you from time to time. She said, well,
Speaker 1: I like your style, and I'm like, I'm sure you do.
Speaker 1: But there's a difference between me being comfortable and looking
Speaker 1: like a fucking house bum and us going out and
Speaker 1: doing things in public and me looking presentable. Because even
Speaker 1: when we go out and like, if we were to
Speaker 1: go get sushi or somewhere, I'm wearing my hair and pants.
Speaker 1: That's what I wear. It's comfortable, I enjoy it. But
Speaker 1: if she wanted to go to a show or something,
Speaker 1: I would have to get done up right, So, like,
Speaker 1: is it really that big of a deal for me
Speaker 1: to put on some extra clothes and kind of do
Speaker 1: the thing to look good so that when she walks
Speaker 1: into the room she goes, oh, right, that said everything
Speaker 1: that I needed to know. She's obviously seeing the hair
Speaker 1: and pants and the T shirt thing, and there's object
Speaker 1: permanence there now, and just me putting on jeans and
Speaker 1: shoes instead of being barefoot was enough for her to
Speaker 1: take a step back and look at me a second time.
Speaker 1: It's important to think about in the beginning of a relationship.
Speaker 1: Attraction gets a whole lot of help from oxytocin and dopamine.
Speaker 1: On top of that, everything is new. You don't know
Speaker 1: exactly what they're going to say. You don't know what
Speaker 1: they're going to wear. You don't know if or when
Speaker 1: they're going to text you. You don't know where the
Speaker 1: relationship is going. The uncertainty, the anticipation, and the discovery
Speaker 1: is fucking exciting. It is exciting when you are doing
Speaker 1: something going about your life and that new relationship is happening,
Speaker 1: and somebody shoots you a text message and it's a
Speaker 1: dirty text message. You're like, oh, oh, I'm being thought about.
Speaker 1: That shit can happen way into your marriage. She waits
Speaker 1: until I'm in the most inopportune moments, and she fucking
Speaker 1: knows it to send me dirty photos. I was at
Speaker 1: the bank one day, talk like we have a credit
Speaker 1: union that everyone in that bank fucking knows me, like
Speaker 1: from the branch manager all the way down to the
Speaker 1: new employees. And I'm standing there having a conversation and
Speaker 1: my phone goes off and I open it and it's
Speaker 1: her butt. I'm like, oh my god, and then more
Speaker 1: pictures and I'm like, I can't do this right now, Like,
Speaker 1: oh my god. I got in the car and I
Speaker 1: was like, thank you for that, but oh my god,
Speaker 1: I think everyone in the bank just saw your butt right,
Speaker 1: Like it's exciting. It's no different than having that new
Speaker 1: courting phase where you're getting the random good day tech messages. Right,
Speaker 1: So you have all of that, you've got the good times,
Speaker 1: and then life starts to happen and you get to
Speaker 1: know my person like I was talking about earlier. You
Speaker 1: know how they order their food, you know which position
Speaker 1: they prefer to sleep in. You know the sound they
Speaker 1: make when they're irritated. You've seen them sick, constipated, exhausted, stressed, broke,
Speaker 1: angry and secure and half dressed looking for a missing sock.
Speaker 1: Somebody said, so what I'm hearing is send him dirty
Speaker 1: picks randomly while he's at work. Yes, yes, that's exactly
Speaker 1: what the fuck I'm saying. Men, if you're women listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast, I'm doing you a solid right now, Ladies,
Speaker 1: send the fucking text messages. We love that shit. Not
Speaker 1: only real shit, Not only is it great to see
Speaker 1: the women that we have decided to spend the rest
Speaker 1: of our life with, We most of us understand that
Speaker 1: you actually took the time, like you're not gonna just
Speaker 1: quick send a photo and go You're gonna take multiple pictures,
Speaker 1: look for your best angle, and then send that shit
Speaker 1: to your man. That is not a quick done. That
Speaker 1: shit takes effort, and we are aware of it. We
Speaker 1: know how y'all are with your pictures. Yep, yep. Anyways,
Speaker 1: that kind of familiarity can create incredible intimacy, but it
Speaker 1: can also kill desire. Do you think that you can
Speaker 1: feel deeply safe with someone and still experience them as exciting?
Speaker 1: You can, but it has to be intentional. One of
Speaker 1: the problems with long term relationships is that we stop
Speaker 1: seeing our partner as someone we are still trying to attract.
Speaker 1: Dating becomes possession. We go from I want this person
Speaker 1: to choose me to this person has already chose me,
Speaker 1: and honestly, most people quit trying at that point. We
Speaker 1: have said in the beginning of this podcast, and it's
Speaker 1: still something that we say today. You should be chasing
Speaker 1: your partner. You should be courting them, you should be
Speaker 1: fawning over them. There should be a whole lot of
Speaker 1: I want you, I don't need you, I want you right,
Speaker 1: and that could be a facet of things I want.
Speaker 1: I'm just about to very vulgar. I'm gonna just move on.
Speaker 1: When when we're dating, we groom ourselves right, We flirt,
Speaker 1: we ask questions, We fucking pay attention, We plan things,
Speaker 1: we touch more, We wear things that we know the
Speaker 1: other person is going to like. We make an effort
Speaker 1: to be interesting. Marriage becomes the place that all of
Speaker 1: that slowly disappears and its choice. So my question is
Speaker 1: is do you think that we have a responsibility to
Speaker 1: remain attractive to the person that we are asking to
Speaker 1: desire us. I'm very curious how many of you actually
Speaker 1: believe that you have a responsibility to remain attractive to
Speaker 1: the person that you're married to. A whole lot of
Speaker 1: people if this was a TikTok thing, the amount of
Speaker 1: fucking feminist that would be in the chat right now
Speaker 1: losing their goddamn mind. If you've put on fifty pounds,
Speaker 1: stop dressing up, stop shaving, stop getting your hair cut
Speaker 1: or styling your hair. Your hygiene has gone a shit.
Speaker 1: Do you think that your person's going to desire you?
Speaker 1: If I didn't where deodorant, and I didn't go to
Speaker 1: the gym, and I only ate fucking ho hoes and
Speaker 1: bond bonds and funny bones and all the little Debbie
Speaker 1: snapcakes and I, you know, my teeth are starting to
Speaker 1: ride out of my fucking head, and I haven't shaved
Speaker 1: my head and months, and like all you can see
Speaker 1: is my big George Carlin fucking bald spot. And you know,
Speaker 1: my clothes don't fit anymore. And I got fucking cheeto
Speaker 1: dust and my fingernails and stains all over the place.
Speaker 1: Do you think my wife is gonna look at me
Speaker 1: and be like, Oh, yeah, that's what I want. She
Speaker 1: don't look at me and go, you're fucking disgusting? What
Speaker 1: did you do to yourself? That's the thing. When was
Speaker 1: the last time that you saw your person and inadvertently
Speaker 1: smiled at them? Right? Not not like a not like
Speaker 1: a oh they're looking I should I should flaunt something
Speaker 1: or like get their attention. But you guys seen the
Speaker 1: tiktoks of the angry the angry person. And it's like
Speaker 1: when my wife or my husband sees me and they're
Speaker 1: just mean mugging, like fucking crazy, and then they see
Speaker 1: their person and they light the fuck up. When was
Speaker 1: the last time you lit up like that for your person?
Speaker 1: That genuine excitement is fucking everything to us. To men,
Speaker 1: I can't speak for women. I would imagine that you
Speaker 1: guys dig that shit too, But like not seeing your
Speaker 1: wife for a while and her running to your arms,
Speaker 1: Like that's some fucking like movie rom com shit that
Speaker 1: like every man secretly desires. You guys know why thirst
Speaker 1: traps get so much attention online, Like why it's such
Speaker 1: an effective marketing employ You look at all the influencers
Speaker 1: that are trying to sell you something, it's almost always sexual,
Speaker 1: and if it's not sexual, they do something sexual in
Speaker 1: the beginning to get you to watch the video. And
Speaker 1: the reason for that is that it's people who take
Speaker 1: care of themselves. They're dressed up for attention, they're smiling
Speaker 1: or trying to be seductive. And for someone who is
Speaker 1: disconnected in a relationship for a long time that hasn't
Speaker 1: experienced it, it hooks us. Like if you've been in
Speaker 1: a twenty year sexless marriage, you've been fucking miserable and
Speaker 1: you're doom scrolling and something comes up that makes you
Speaker 1: feel something. Your brain feels that something before you even
Speaker 1: register what you're watching. That's why sex sells and works
Speaker 1: the way that it does. So Yes, I do think
Speaker 1: that we have a responsibility to remain attractive. But I
Speaker 1: also think that attraction is much bigger than your appearance.
Speaker 1: You can be physically beautiful and become deeply unattractive through content, contempt,
Speaker 1: excuse me, criticism, entitlement, resentment, helplessness, constant anger, emotional absence,
Speaker 1: or treating your spouse like a parent instead of a partner.
Speaker 1: You could have the most sexy person on the planet,
Speaker 1: and if any of those things align, they're not sexy
Speaker 1: to you anymore. That shit goes right out the window.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm not attracted to my husband anymore really means
Speaker 1: I feel like his mother. Sometimes I'm not attractive to
Speaker 1: my wife anymore really means every interaction between us has
Speaker 1: become criticism, logistics, kids, bills, problems. I just didn't want
Speaker 1: to say nagging. I wanted actual examples there, but nagging
Speaker 1: was the word I was going to use when I
Speaker 1: wrote this. Attraction has a physical component, but also has
Speaker 1: a relational and always always has some sort of emotional
Speaker 1: subconsciousness attached to it. There's also a difference between loving
Speaker 1: someone and desiring someone we want to be. We want
Speaker 1: those to be the same thing, but they're not. You
Speaker 1: can deeply love someone and feel very sexual a very
Speaker 1: very little sexual desire toward them. You can also feel
Speaker 1: an intense sexual desire to someone and not love them.
Speaker 1: This is basic fucking uh. But I felt the need
Speaker 1: to say it, and you could feel that and not
Speaker 1: want to build a life with them, right, just because
Speaker 1: it's only a sexual attraction and nothing else. So what
Speaker 1: do you do what helps maintain that desire? First and foremost,
Speaker 1: I believe it's admiration. Admiration to your person is one
Speaker 1: of the biggest attraction factors. Sometimes attraction spikes when we
Speaker 1: see our partner doing something that they're good at. Right,
Speaker 1: Maybe they're a natural leader, and you see them walk
Speaker 1: into the room and take control of everything and just
Speaker 1: fucking do the thing, and you're like, whoa. Right. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's seeing your wife be a good mother to your
Speaker 1: kids and knowing that you picked a partner that's going
Speaker 1: to raise your children in a in a really good way.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's them accomplishing something. Sometimes it's just the way
Speaker 1: that they confidently carry themselves, interacting with other people, or
Speaker 1: simply looking different than they did yesterday. In those moments,
Speaker 1: we stop seeing the person who forgot to unload the dishwasher,
Speaker 1: and we see them as a separate person. Again, Familiarity
Speaker 1: can make us stop looking, can make us stop really
Speaker 1: looking at our partner. I actually think that for some
Speaker 1: of us, or some people, having object permanence, even with
Speaker 1: their wife and kids, becomes a thing. They believe that
Speaker 1: they're never going to lose this thing that they've built,
Speaker 1: and that can be a problem in itself. Right, So,
Speaker 1: when was the last time that you actually looked at
Speaker 1: your spouse instead of simply being around them. That's part
Speaker 1: of object permanence is actually looking at them. Take five
Speaker 1: seconds and really taking them in. See if they've gained weights,
Speaker 1: See if they've lost weights, See if they've got a pimple,
Speaker 1: See how their shoes fit, See if they're wearing different
Speaker 1: clothes they normally wear. Are they wearing different jewelry? Like,
Speaker 1: really take inventory of your person. It takes a few seconds.
Speaker 1: It's not hard to do. Novelty matters as well, but
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to mean some wild sex or constant vacations.
Speaker 1: It can be a different restaurant, a new hobby, getting
Speaker 1: dressed up, having a conversation you've never had, going somewhere
Speaker 1: without the kids, or doing something slightly outside of your routine.
Speaker 1: Familiarity isn't necessarily the enemy. Stagnation is You can know
Speaker 1: someone incredibly well and still be curious about them. You
Speaker 1: can be married for twenty five years and still meet
Speaker 1: new versions of each other as both of you are
Speaker 1: continuing to constantly grow, and honestly that growth matters. Purpose
Speaker 1: is attractive. Confidence is attractive, Curiosity is attractive, Competence competence
Speaker 1: is fucking sexy. Taking care of yourself is attractive. Passion
Speaker 1: is attractive. Having something to talk about besides the kids, jobs,
Speaker 1: electric bills, honeydeo lists is also an attraction. Healthy couples
Speaker 1: also need separateness. If we do everything together, have all
Speaker 1: the same friends, hobbies, routines, and experience, there's nothing left
Speaker 1: to discover. I talked about that earlier, so I'm just
Speaker 1: going to skip over that paragraph. This doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you need to create distance or have jealousy. It just
Speaker 1: means that remaining a person. It means remaining a person,
Speaker 1: have interest, have goals, have something that you are passionate about,
Speaker 1: and then come back to the relationship with something new
Speaker 1: to talk about. The physical side deserves an honest assessment
Speaker 1: as well. Guys. Bodies change, right. Pregnancies happen, kids happen, age, hormones, sickness,
Speaker 1: fucking car accident, stress, all of it can leave some
Speaker 1: sort of change to the body. Nobody gets to demand
Speaker 1: that their spouse remains twenty five. It does not work
Speaker 1: that way. Your body is going to move on and
Speaker 1: you just have to fucking do the best that you
Speaker 1: can keep up. It's also dishonest right to prove or
Speaker 1: I'm sorry to pretend that physical attraction doesn't matter. You
Speaker 1: can be madly head over heels in love with your
Speaker 1: person and no longer find them attractive because they've let
Speaker 1: themselves go, or something has changed in their appearance. Maybe
Speaker 1: they got lip filler and you think it's fucking stupid,
Speaker 1: or whatever that thing is that you don't like that
Speaker 1: they did. Anyways, I don't think that it's fair to
Speaker 1: say to your person that you owe me a certain appearance, right.
Speaker 1: I think that we owe our relationships some effort of
Speaker 1: taking care of ourselves though hygiene, grooming, health, being able
Speaker 1: to properly and effectively move your body, clothing, sleep, sexual energy,
Speaker 1: and how we present ourselves absolutely matters. Not because our
Speaker 1: spouse owns our body but because romantic relationships involve attraction,
Speaker 1: it's necessary. So can someone demand desire without helping create
Speaker 1: the condition where desire can exist. I don't think that
Speaker 1: they can. I think that this is an ebb and flow.
Speaker 1: And we have stated over and over again that women
Speaker 1: dictate the emotional intimacy or all of the intimacy in
Speaker 1: the relationship. And every time I say that, somebody's got
Speaker 1: something to say, and even Peaches and I have disagreed
Speaker 1: with about this on the podcast and I had to
Speaker 1: explain my position and then she got it right. I
Speaker 1: believe that the physical, emotional, spiritual intimacy in the home
Speaker 1: is one hundred percent dictated by the woman. However, if
Speaker 1: a man is not doing what is necessary to provide
Speaker 1: safety and security inside of that relationship, she's no longer
Speaker 1: responsible for the intimacy because he is failing to do
Speaker 1: the thing that is necessary for her to dictate the
Speaker 1: intimacy within the relationship. There is an ebb and flow, right,
Speaker 1: So I think it's important to recognize that we have
Speaker 1: our roles to play and if you're playing them properly,
Speaker 1: then should fall into place. If you hear somebody say,
Speaker 1: my spouse never wants sex. What's happening outside of the bedroom? Right?
Speaker 1: That matters? Are you affectionate? Are you constantly arguing? Does
Speaker 1: your spouse feel emotionally safe with you? Do they feel
Speaker 1: desired or merely a hole that's trying to be filled
Speaker 1: or used? Are you trying to use your partner as
Speaker 1: a physical masturbation? Right like? Are they exhausted? Are you
Speaker 1: carrying your share? Do you flirt? Can you trust? Can
Speaker 1: you touch each other without every single touch turning into initiation?
Speaker 1: Sexual attraction doesn't only happen in bed. Sometimes for play
Speaker 1: begins days earlier, and how you treat each other right,
Speaker 1: especially if you've guys got kids. Desire also suffers when
Speaker 1: sex becomes an obligation. If every hug becomes initiation, someone
Speaker 1: may eventually stop hugging. If every rejection becomes a fight,
Speaker 1: sex becomes loaded with pressure. If sex becomes one person's
Speaker 1: proof that they are loved, the other person can start
Speaker 1: feeling responsible for regulating their self worth through that sexual access.
Speaker 1: That's a whole ass thing in itself. That pressure will
Speaker 1: one hundred percent kill the desire that they're using it
Speaker 1: to try to create. Right, predictabibility matters too long term.
Speaker 1: Couples can fall into a script, same time, same place,
Speaker 1: same initiation, same sequence. Predictability can be comfort comforting, but
Speaker 1: it also becomes boring. The answer isn't necessarily to become
Speaker 1: more adventurous. Sometimes it's simply continuing to talk. Even if
Speaker 1: you guys, if you guys are super busy and you
Speaker 1: have Wednesdays is sexy night, and you know that's going
Speaker 1: to be a thing, you can do things leading up
Speaker 1: to sexy time to drive that want and desire. It
Speaker 1: shouldn't just be like, oh, we're going to bed sexy time.
Speaker 1: That's not exciting. Like just saying that makes me want
Speaker 1: to gag. That's that's the like at that point, I
Speaker 1: would just go to sleep. That's not even an exciting
Speaker 1: thing that that's lame. That's real lame shit. So what
Speaker 1: do you like now? What has changed? What do you miss?
Speaker 1: What makes you feel desire? What shuts you down? What
Speaker 1: feels playful, what feels like obligation? These are all things
Speaker 1: that are really well done inside of a check in.
Speaker 1: If you guys are not familiar with the check ins
Speaker 1: to bebetter dot com resources tab, scroll down to have
Speaker 1: you checked in lately and download the pdf there's an
Speaker 1: entire playlist on the YouTube channel where you can watch
Speaker 1: how to do the check ins. We give a whole
Speaker 1: lot of real information I versus you statements. There's a lot,
Speaker 1: there's probably four hours of content for you guys to
Speaker 1: watch through that will help you effectively do the check ins.
Speaker 1: And if you do them enough and you learn how
Speaker 1: to communicate, you won't need them anymore. You can do
Speaker 1: many check ins every time something doesn't quite feel right,
Speaker 1: and your life will get really, really smooth. So the
Speaker 1: check ins are not just about understanding what's going on
Speaker 1: in life. It's about learning how to effectively communicate in
Speaker 1: the moment. So we ask these questions while we're dating.
Speaker 1: That's absolutely normal during the courting phase and dating phase,
Speaker 1: and however, as we get married and life goes on,
Speaker 1: we tend to not really it just kind of stops
Speaker 1: right because again, it becomes your person. You know, you
Speaker 1: know these things, but you don't really right. You just
Speaker 1: have stories that you've backed up with the data that
Speaker 1: you've collected that verifies what you believe you already knew,
Speaker 1: and now you're moving about your life. Talked about that
Speaker 1: at the beginning of this episode. Resentment is another major
Speaker 1: piece of this. It is very hard to desire somebody
Speaker 1: that you are chronically angry with. If your husband has
Speaker 1: become synonymous with disappointment, attraction can suffer. If your wife
Speaker 1: has become synonymous with rejection, same thing, attraction is going
Speaker 1: to suffer. Sometimes couples try to solve a sexual problem
Speaker 1: with sexual solutions, and that's not what the problem is, right.
Speaker 1: It just seems that way because you want more of
Speaker 1: that thing, and the problem is more relational. You don't
Speaker 1: always need laingerie. Sometimes you need an apology. Sometimes you
Speaker 1: need sleep. Sometimes you need to stop treating you each
Speaker 1: other like shit. Sometimes you just need to feel respected again. Right,
Speaker 1: And then there's aging guys. Getting old sucks ass. At
Speaker 1: forty five years old, my biggest regret in life is
Speaker 1: not keeping up with my mobility work and waking up
Speaker 1: and being stiff the way that I am in the morning.
Speaker 1: And it's not stiff in a good morning, sexy time.
Speaker 1: It's stiff in that it hurts to get out of
Speaker 1: bed to tick abyss. If I would have done after
Speaker 1: my motorcycle accident, the mobility work necessary to maintain the
Speaker 1: flexibility that I had, my body would be a whole
Speaker 1: lot better. So, as I'm touching on aging, I just
Speaker 1: have to tell you guys to do your fucking mobility work.
Speaker 1: Long term attraction has to evolve because neither of you
Speaker 1: will be twenty five forever. If your definition of attraction
Speaker 1: never matures, you're going to lose a fight that you
Speaker 1: can't win. At some point, attraction becomes partly about the
Speaker 1: body and partly about everything that body represents. It's the
Speaker 1: woman who raised the children beside you. It's the man
Speaker 1: who stood beside you through loss. That's the person who
Speaker 1: face carries decades of a shared life. There needs to
Speaker 1: be real appreciation that happens there. I said that I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go Appreciation matters. So maybe the real question isn't
Speaker 1: can attraction survive familiarity? Maybe it's can attraction survive neglect?
Speaker 1: Maybe the question is not can attraction survive familiarity? Maybe
Speaker 1: it's can attraction survive neglect? Because familiarity isn't necessarily what
Speaker 1: kills desire being taked for. Granted, does stopping flirting, stopping growing,
Speaker 1: stopping the touches, stopping the admiration, becoming roommates, treating romantic
Speaker 1: connections like it should simply maintain itself all of these things.
Speaker 1: Do we spend a lot of times asking is my
Speaker 1: partner still attracted to me? Maybe we should be asking
Speaker 1: am I still giving my partner a reason to experience
Speaker 1: me as attractive? Not performative, not becoming somebody else, not
Speaker 1: living in fear that they'll leave, simply living with intention.
Speaker 1: So take care of yourself, stay curious, keep growing, flirt
Speaker 1: with your person that you already chose, look at them,
Speaker 1: touch them, and admire them out loud. That's my document
Speaker 1: hour in thirty one minutes. Not bad. I was going
Speaker 1: to try to do ten things, and I picked my
Speaker 1: ten topics and I got my first three typed out,
Speaker 1: and I read it and I was like, this is
Speaker 1: kind of long. And I took the other ten things
Speaker 1: and I stuck it on another document so that I
Speaker 1: can continue to do this when I feel like doing it.
Speaker 1: And I have seven more topics that are just needing
Speaker 1: to be mentally worked through. You mentioned women should send
Speaker 1: the text. Did you mean specifically as a wife or
Speaker 1: a husband, or should that start in the early courting phase.
Speaker 1: What do you mean by the text right, Because if
Speaker 1: you're courting, sending pictures of your huha in a really
Speaker 1: promiscuous position. I wouldn't do that. If this is this
Speaker 1: is just me being completely honest. If this is she
Speaker 1: said no, no, no, no, not picks. I'm going to say
Speaker 1: this anyways. If I am to get to know a
Speaker 1: woman and I wanted to really develop a life with them,
Speaker 1: and they were sending me dirty photos during the courting
Speaker 1: phase and we're not even dating yet, that's an instant
Speaker 1: red flag. I don't want that. You are giving this
Speaker 1: a way way too easily, Like I'm good initiate the
Speaker 1: combo and ask questions first. I honestly don't see anything
Speaker 1: wrong with being the first person to text. I think
Speaker 1: that this whole don't be the first person to text.
Speaker 1: Don't chase. I'll run after an ice cream truck because
Speaker 1: I'm a fat ass, but I'm not running after a woman.
Speaker 1: If you tell me you're leaving, you can fucking leave.
Speaker 1: But if I am pursuing you and I had a
Speaker 1: great time, I'm gonna let you know I had a
Speaker 1: great time. Hey, I'm thinking about you like that is.
Speaker 1: I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't think
Speaker 1: it makes you look desperate. I think it makes you honest.
Speaker 1: If you are feeling good about something that's going on
Speaker 1: right now between somebody that you're courting or your initial
Speaker 1: dating phase, why hide that, you know, I hope that
Speaker 1: you're having a really fucking dope day right now. I'm
Speaker 1: just thinking about you goes a long fucking way, So yeah,
Speaker 1: send that initiate the conversation. That whole they need to
Speaker 1: be the first to message is kind of toxic. I
Speaker 1: also believe you're setting yourself up for failure. Guys. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna wrap up Peaches and I will be going live
Speaker 1: probably in the next hour hour and a half for
Speaker 1: Patreon to do some email reads and hang out with
Speaker 1: you guys, so you guys can see my wife's gorgeous face.
Speaker 1: I won't be jealous about you looking at her. It's okay,
Speaker 1: I look at her too, so I get it. And
Speaker 1: we will see you guys later. So maybe I'll do
Speaker 1: another one of these next week publicly. We'll see have
Speaker 1: a good day, guys,