WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:15.039 on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have 4 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:18.399 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 5 00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:22.519 Waalsh Show. On tonight's show, Let's talk about the meaning 6 00:00:22.760 --> 00:00:27.719 of big rituals and rites of passage psychologically, also how 7 00:00:27.879 --> 00:00:30.519 quest love. If you don't know who questlove is, I'll 8 00:00:30.559 --> 00:00:35.520 explain stays mentally healthy and why human brains make us 9 00:00:35.560 --> 00:00:40.119 so darned stupid. Welcome to the show, Producer, Kayla, Nice 10 00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:42.479 to see you, you as well, Doctor Wendy Richiteta. How 11 00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:46.520 you doing. Hello, Hello, Hello, good to see you. Great 12 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:48.799 you too, love hearing your show. We have a new 13 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:51.520 face on the board. Whoosh, you're not new, but you're 14 00:00:51.560 --> 00:00:56.039 new to me. Weekend night. Well, I know, welcome to 15 00:00:56.119 --> 00:01:00.759 the show, all right. I spent yesterday at the Loyola 16 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:05.000 Marormount University graduation because my god daughter, not my daughter, 17 00:01:05.120 --> 00:01:08.000 my goddaughter graduated, so this would be the daughter of 18 00:01:08.040 --> 00:01:10.480 my best friend from childhood who lives in Miami, and 19 00:01:10.519 --> 00:01:13.359 so she came out with her Miami family and we 20 00:01:13.400 --> 00:01:19.040 sat there for four hours. It was the longest thing 21 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:22.640 you could imagine, and it was spitting rain. My friend 22 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:25.000 was dressed in Miami clothes, which means she thought she 23 00:01:25.079 --> 00:01:27.599 was going to be a tropical beach resort because it's California. 24 00:01:27.640 --> 00:01:27.840 You know. 25 00:01:27.879 --> 00:01:31.319 I gotta say, I think Baywatch was some false advertising, 26 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:34.079 sent it all around the world, and they did not 27 00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:37.239 advertise the May gray and the June gloom. So anyway, 28 00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:40.640 spitting rain, shivering, sitting in the seat, waiting, But we 29 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:46.959 did it because it was a ritual. It was important 30 00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:51.359 to have a large gathering of people and to have 31 00:01:51.439 --> 00:01:53.959 this one moment that we waited for while they called it, 32 00:01:54.040 --> 00:01:57.000 I don't know, a thousand graduates names one by one 33 00:01:57.040 --> 00:01:58.799 by one. Oh God, my heart went out to the 34 00:01:58.840 --> 00:02:03.920 president giving out all those diplomas. But if you've ever 35 00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.959 sat through a long graduation ceremony, maybe you were squinting 36 00:02:07.959 --> 00:02:11.319 into the sun instead of dodging rain drops. Maybe you 37 00:02:11.360 --> 00:02:15.560 were wondering why everybody was wearing Harry Potter robes. I 38 00:02:15.639 --> 00:02:19.759 want to remind you that all this matters. Psychologically, it matters. 39 00:02:20.159 --> 00:02:24.360 These ceremonies aren't just tradition. For tradition's sake. They're actually 40 00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:29.000 deeply wired in our psychology. You see, humans tend to 41 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:34.599 be meaning makers. We turn moments into milestones, and we 42 00:02:34.680 --> 00:02:39.840 do that through rituals. So, whether those rituals are birthdays, anniversaries, 43 00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:46.520 weddings or funerals, whether they're transfers of political power, peaceful, 44 00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:51.039 I hope they're still a ritual. That's how we mark 45 00:02:51.479 --> 00:02:57.039 life's transitions. But here's the fascinating part. Research shows that 46 00:02:57.080 --> 00:03:01.560 our brains actually perceive rituals as causing real change in 47 00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:05.479 the world. That's why the speakers at yesterday's Loyo Lamiramount 48 00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:09.960 ceremony talked about going forth in the world, making change, 49 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:14.599 doing things right. Even when those students went up those 50 00:03:14.599 --> 00:03:18.280 steps and had that awkward, probably sweaty and filled with germs, 51 00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:23.439 handshake with the person giving the diploma, their brain said, 52 00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:28.120 something big just happened to me. When I turned to 53 00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:31.879 my goddaughter, caught her on the big screen doing her 54 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:34.280 you know, the peace sign and the tongue out on 55 00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:35.879 the side. I don't know why they do that. Why 56 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:37.680 did they do the tongue out on the side, Kayla, 57 00:03:37.879 --> 00:03:40.319 We'll never let it go. What is that? She did 58 00:03:40.360 --> 00:03:41.800 it too? She said the peace sign and the tongue 59 00:03:41.800 --> 00:03:44.000 out of the side. Yeah, what does it mean. It 60 00:03:44.039 --> 00:03:47.280 means it's cute. Okay, it's just cute. That's her graduation 61 00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:49.919 picture and it was on a big screen. But at 62 00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:55.879 that moment something happened, right she changed her brain was 63 00:03:55.960 --> 00:04:00.199 told this is important. Now we augment that by having 64 00:04:00.280 --> 00:04:02.240 things like fancy dinners, and we did. Oh my god. 65 00:04:02.319 --> 00:04:05.120 One of my favorite restaurants in Venice is called Paloma. 66 00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:09.879 We ate there after the graduation ceremony. The day before, 67 00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:13.719 we ate a catsu yah in Brentwood. That was great too, 68 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:19.399 but there might have been there was, there's music, singers, 69 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:24.639 whatever it is. They're not just show their signals to 70 00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:28.800 our community that something sacred has happened. And psychologists like 71 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:32.000 to call this rights of passage, and believe it or not, 72 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:36.480 these rights of passage follow a three step structure. First 73 00:04:36.519 --> 00:04:39.839 one is separation. This is where you leave behind your 74 00:04:39.879 --> 00:04:42.680 old identity. So this is when students are packing up 75 00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:45.639 their dorm room. Interesting enough, my goddaughter the day before 76 00:04:45.639 --> 00:04:49.680 her graduation, became obsessed with cleaning her apartment. Knowing she'd 77 00:04:49.720 --> 00:04:52.920 be leaving soon. There was a cleaning of her apartment. 78 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:56.959 Maybe somebody heading off to the military. That's the day 79 00:04:57.000 --> 00:04:59.959 they get their head shaved and they change their clothes. Right, 80 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:03.560 it's a clean break. You know that separation is happening. 81 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:07.519 Step two. Psychologists call it the liminal stage. It's just 82 00:05:07.560 --> 00:05:10.839 a fancy word for the in between stage. It's that weird, 83 00:05:10.920 --> 00:05:14.759 wobbly phase where you're not who you were, and yet 84 00:05:14.759 --> 00:05:17.639 you're not who you're becoming. So a cadet is no 85 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:21.920 longer a civilian, but not quite a soldier. A bride 86 00:05:22.360 --> 00:05:27.120 certainly isn't single, but not a wife yet. A college 87 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:30.680 senior sitting at a commencement not quite a student, not 88 00:05:30.759 --> 00:05:33.480 quite a graduate. And the longer we stretch out that 89 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:38.000 liminal phase, that's why the four hours it is uncomfortable, 90 00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:43.319 but it's necessary. The more discomfort the audience and the 91 00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:46.360 parents felt waiting for their kids name. I actually felt 92 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:49.839 sad for the parents whose kids' names were called first, 93 00:05:50.360 --> 00:05:52.279 because then they still had to wait for the four hours. 94 00:05:52.279 --> 00:05:55.000 You couldn't get up and leave, and nobody was actually 95 00:05:55.079 --> 00:05:58.319 a graduate until the president conferred the degree on them 96 00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:02.759 in the final speech. And so you sit there in discomfort, 97 00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:06.839 but it's worth it because you know this is important 98 00:06:07.560 --> 00:06:12.000 and then step three. Psychologists call it reincorporation. That's when 99 00:06:12.040 --> 00:06:15.759 society welcomes you back with your new, shiny status. And 100 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:18.480 when we went to Paloma for lunch, my goddaughter wore 101 00:06:18.519 --> 00:06:21.800 her full robes and the what is that big scarf 102 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:24.360 thing they wear around their neck, and there were other 103 00:06:24.519 --> 00:06:28.000 graduates there with their families, wearing their robes so that 104 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:31.839 they were identified as something shiny and new a graduate. 105 00:06:32.120 --> 00:06:35.800 The waiter came up to the table and immediately said, congratulations. 106 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:41.240 Not sure how I knew, wink wink right. But here's 107 00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:46.240 where it gets really interesting. When people miss these rituals, 108 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:51.000 something feels off. Remember during the pandemic, remember the drive 109 00:06:51.079 --> 00:06:54.680 by graduations, the drive by birthdays, Remember how it just 110 00:06:54.759 --> 00:06:58.480 didn't feel the same. Well, this isn't about vanity. It's 111 00:06:58.519 --> 00:07:04.000 really about biology. Because rituals are what hold our social 112 00:07:04.120 --> 00:07:08.839 fabric together. So if you're going to graduation this month 113 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:11.519 or next maybe you've got a high schooler graduating next month, 114 00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:15.480 whether it's your own, your kids, your neighbors, your grandkids, whatever, 115 00:07:16.040 --> 00:07:21.000 soak it up, be uncomfortable, and also cry out. We screamed, 116 00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:22.360 you know when she got up there. We were the 117 00:07:22.360 --> 00:07:27.000 four family members yelling for her cry at pomp and circumstance. 118 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:32.040 Snap a million blurry photos. It's just a ceremony, but 119 00:07:32.120 --> 00:07:37.519 it's not a ceremony. It's a psychological upgrade. You're literally 120 00:07:38.040 --> 00:07:43.839 witnessing human transformation in real time, and human beings need 121 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:47.600 this and it's always worth celebrating. 122 00:07:48.079 --> 00:07:48.399 Now. 123 00:07:49.199 --> 00:07:53.600 There were a number of speakers at the event. The valedictorian, 124 00:07:53.639 --> 00:07:58.000 of course, was amazing. She was of Indian heritage and 125 00:07:58.040 --> 00:08:00.920 talked about her religion and how there was a saying 126 00:08:00.959 --> 00:08:04.879 in her religion to not fear or not no fear, 127 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:07.800 no anger, and how to turn feelings of fear and 128 00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:11.839 anger into action, so that going forward message. But the 129 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:17.879 commencement speaker was Questlove and he's now called doctor Love. 130 00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:20.639 When we come back, I'll explain why. 131 00:08:21.879 --> 00:08:26.079 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 132 00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:27.240 Am six forty. 133 00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:31.040 You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 134 00:08:31.160 --> 00:08:35.360 Dr Wendy Waalsh show. You hear that music that is Questlove. 135 00:08:36.240 --> 00:08:39.600 When I was at the Loyola Marra Mount graduation all 136 00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:43.320 day yesterday in the spinning rain, feeling uncomfortable doing the 137 00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:45.840 most important work that we do as a community, which 138 00:08:45.879 --> 00:08:50.159 is create a ritual for a young person. I do 139 00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:54.039 want to give a congratulations to outgoing President Timothy law 140 00:08:54.080 --> 00:08:58.120 Snyder and his wife Carol Costello, who's an acquaintance of mine. 141 00:08:58.279 --> 00:09:02.080 You may recall her as a longtime anchor on CNN. 142 00:09:02.759 --> 00:09:05.320 She has taught in their journalism department, and of course 143 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:07.960 her husband's leaving end she's leaving, and they gave her 144 00:09:07.960 --> 00:09:13.240 an honorary doctorate, So congratulations Carol Costello. They also gave 145 00:09:13.320 --> 00:09:18.120 the guest speaker an honorary doctorate. His name is Questlove, 146 00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:21.279 and if you don't know that name, I'll tell you this. 147 00:09:21.759 --> 00:09:25.759 I love people who defy boxes, people who aren't just 148 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:29.720 one thing. And that's why I'm kind of obsessed with Questlove. 149 00:09:30.480 --> 00:09:33.679 He was born Amir Khalib Thompson. Now he's best known 150 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:37.120 as a drummer and frontman for the Roots, That's that 151 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:39.840 cool band on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. But 152 00:09:39.919 --> 00:09:44.360 if you call Questlove just a drummer, it's like calling 153 00:09:44.399 --> 00:09:48.320 Beyonce just a singer. Right. This man is a cultural force, 154 00:09:48.519 --> 00:09:51.759 a Grammy winning musician, a DJ, a professor at NYU, 155 00:09:51.799 --> 00:09:56.120 an Oscar winning filmmaker. Yeah, he won for Summer of Soul. 156 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:59.639 That was him and a walking encyclopedia of music history. 157 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:02.799 I mean, if Spotify were a person, it would probably 158 00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:06.559 be Questlove. But here's what makes him really special. He 159 00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:11.919 doesn't just play music. He curates emotion. He understands how 160 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:16.600 rhythm builds identity, how shared music rituals like a dance 161 00:10:16.679 --> 00:10:19.559 party or even just vibing Di Vinyl help us all 162 00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:23.960 feel like we belong. And he turns beats into belonging. 163 00:10:24.600 --> 00:10:27.960 Let's not forget he brings radical kindness and depth into 164 00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:34.559 everything he does. So Questlove now has an honorary doctorate 165 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:38.120 from Loyola Marramount University. And so I was a little 166 00:10:38.200 --> 00:10:41.240 uncomfortable when he stood up and said, Okay, so it 167 00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:45.639 looks like now I'm doctor Love. I felt a bit 168 00:10:45.720 --> 00:10:52.360 threatened at that moment, but I loved his talk, and 169 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:55.360 his talk moved me so much. I'm going to ask 170 00:10:55.440 --> 00:10:59.759 mister Questlove. Oh I'm sorry, doctor Love, to please forgive 171 00:10:59.759 --> 00:11:03.519 me if I paraphrase inaccurately. But I'd like to share 172 00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:07.039 with my KFI audience some of the most important points 173 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:11.039 that you made in your commencement speech. Because me with 174 00:11:11.120 --> 00:11:15.559 a PhD in clinical psychology had my eyes opened, and 175 00:11:15.600 --> 00:11:19.000 I was moved by some of your words. The first 176 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:23.759 thing he said, which was cute because he's performer, is 177 00:11:23.799 --> 00:11:27.399 that when he got the phone call to be potentially 178 00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:31.360 the commencement speaker in front of thousands of people, he 179 00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:35.879 had always lived his life being behind something, behind the drums, 180 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:40.919 behind Jimmy Kimmel, behind the band, behind, behind, behind. He 181 00:11:40.960 --> 00:11:43.759 was never the front man. And he said there was 182 00:11:43.799 --> 00:11:47.000 a reason for it. He was afraid. He had this 183 00:11:47.120 --> 00:11:51.360 deep fear of being out front, and so he very 184 00:11:51.399 --> 00:11:54.279 cutely said, so when I first got that phone call, 185 00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:59.039 every cell in my body was trying to say no, dog, thanks, 186 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:04.960 But he decided to face his fear and come out. 187 00:12:05.320 --> 00:12:08.679 And so he used his stories of his life to 188 00:12:08.799 --> 00:12:12.279 share four things that he wants all the graduates to 189 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:16.399 do every single day to have a better life. And 190 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:19.600 they are things proven in science, proven in psychology. They 191 00:12:19.600 --> 00:12:24.080 are a great reminder for me. But also he told it, 192 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:27.320 of course in a brilliant way, because he's so articulate, 193 00:12:27.399 --> 00:12:30.919 and it was just amazing. And the first thing he 194 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:33.919 talked about was learning to be grateful every single day, 195 00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:38.240 every morning, finding three things to be thankful for he said, 196 00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:40.720 sometimes he runs down his list and he can't find anything, 197 00:12:40.759 --> 00:12:43.720 so it's like, thank you for this perfect bull of 198 00:12:43.840 --> 00:12:48.279 Captain Crunch peanut Butter. He also told a story that 199 00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:51.320 when he was growing up, his parents had enough money 200 00:12:51.320 --> 00:12:53.919 to either pay for his school tuition at a fancy 201 00:12:53.960 --> 00:12:57.639 private school or pay to keep the gas on, and 202 00:12:57.720 --> 00:13:00.960 they chose to send him to school. And he looked 203 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:02.679 out at the audience because we're pretty cold, sit in 204 00:13:02.759 --> 00:13:04.320 the rain. He goes, the way you feel right now 205 00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:06.559 was barely one of the mornings in our house. Okay, 206 00:13:06.600 --> 00:13:10.360 growing up cold. But he said, at that moment, I 207 00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:13.519 sure didn't feel grateful. I didn't know to feel grateful, 208 00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:17.039 and I look back and I do, right. So he 209 00:13:17.159 --> 00:13:20.360 talked about how it changes the brain, and we know this, 210 00:13:20.840 --> 00:13:25.240 if we can just stop thinking about, you know, what's 211 00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:29.320 missing in our life and instead focus on what is 212 00:13:29.559 --> 00:13:32.720 in our life, then we can change our mental health. 213 00:13:32.759 --> 00:13:35.200 So that was the first thing he said, every single morning, 214 00:13:35.960 --> 00:13:38.759 just think of three things you're grateful for to start 215 00:13:38.799 --> 00:13:43.000 your day. The second thing he said to do is breathe, 216 00:13:43.799 --> 00:13:46.279 and he said something brilliant. He said, you know, the 217 00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:52.320 only difference between excitement and panic breath the only difference. 218 00:13:52.919 --> 00:13:55.519 And of course he made this entire audience do the 219 00:13:55.519 --> 00:13:58.360 big breath seven seconds in, hold for three five seconds 220 00:13:58.399 --> 00:14:00.399 out like I do with my house psychology. These duds, 221 00:14:00.440 --> 00:14:02.080 I'm like, dude, have you been in my class? This 222 00:14:02.120 --> 00:14:05.039 is great. We did our deep breathing. He said, you 223 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:08.399 feel the difference. He said, at any moment when you 224 00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:12.440 feel fear, just dig into that breath in a deep, 225 00:14:12.639 --> 00:14:15.799 deep way. The third thing he said we should do 226 00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:19.559 every morning is stretch and move our bodies. But he 227 00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:23.799 turned it into an interesting story about emotions. He told 228 00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:26.399 a story that when he was growing up, his parents 229 00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:30.679 were not cruel. They were protective, and in their protective desire, 230 00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:34.240 they told him not to show any emotions. If you 231 00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:36.679 were happy, you were being too proud. If you were 232 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:39.559 showed anger, you would get in trouble for that. If 233 00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:42.279 you showed fear, it was weakness. He had all these 234 00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:45.399 and he said one day he woke up and he 235 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:47.639 could barely get out of bed because his feet and 236 00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:50.519 ankles were swollen so much and they were sweating. And 237 00:14:50.519 --> 00:14:52.879 he used the brilliant metaphor that they were crying the 238 00:14:52.919 --> 00:14:55.759 tears of emotions out of his whole body because he 239 00:14:55.799 --> 00:14:58.320 was never allowed to cry. And he said, when I 240 00:14:58.519 --> 00:15:01.639 change things, and I started talking about my feelings, writing 241 00:15:01.639 --> 00:15:03.519 about my feelings. When I started getting up in the 242 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:07.639 morning and moving my body every day and stretching, I 243 00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:10.480 got better. And so, by the way, I have no 244 00:15:10.519 --> 00:15:14.480 idea what his diagnosis would have been, but everything, many 245 00:15:14.519 --> 00:15:18.200 things are psychosomatic. That doesn't mean they're imagining them. It's 246 00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:23.080 a lesson in the fact that when any illness has 247 00:15:23.159 --> 00:15:27.639 emotional roots, the body cooperates with the emotions and actually 248 00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:33.039 become sick. Right, But that's what psychosomatic means. And finally 249 00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:37.200 he said, to be kind. And you know who, he said, 250 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:39.360 The most important person we need to be kind to 251 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:44.360 is ourselves. He said that we have voices inside our 252 00:15:44.440 --> 00:15:48.360 heads who say things to us that we would never 253 00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:52.559 allow anybody else to say to us. That we literally 254 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:55.879 and he told stories of him feeling less than an 255 00:15:56.000 --> 00:16:00.879 undeserving and he said, you have to learn to say 256 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:05.080 I am, I am, I can and I deserve this. 257 00:16:05.159 --> 00:16:07.559 And he said, and once you get past that, you'll 258 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:10.360 be able to say I feel this, I feel that, 259 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:14.080 and it's all okay. The way he told it was 260 00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:16.200 a thousand times better than the way I've told it. 261 00:16:17.720 --> 00:16:20.720 But it's a lesson for all of us. We all 262 00:16:20.759 --> 00:16:23.440 need to be thankful. There's science behind this, you know. 263 00:16:23.559 --> 00:16:26.759 Great example. I said to my husband Julia this morning, 264 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:31.399 did you know that Kaylea sent me an article that 265 00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:38.159 are five things that healthy couples do every weekend? And 266 00:16:38.320 --> 00:16:41.440 we do four of them. Now, you know what my 267 00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:44.679 first thought is, and what he was supposed to say 268 00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:49.399 is what do we not do? But he didn't say that. 269 00:16:50.159 --> 00:16:52.799 He said, really, what are the four that's so cool? 270 00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:56.320 And I said I was only concerned about the one 271 00:16:56.360 --> 00:16:58.639 we didn't do, and he goes, well, you're a glass 272 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:01.600 half empty, girl, I'm a glass that fall. We're doing 273 00:17:01.639 --> 00:17:07.759 four the five. That's great. We need to shift our 274 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:13.000 attention to the positive, and particularly we need to do 275 00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:16.440 it in our darkest days. We need to do it 276 00:17:16.960 --> 00:17:21.359 when it's hard. We need to do it to save ourselves. 277 00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:23.839 And we do need to breathe. I know it seems 278 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:26.920 so California woo woo to just take a few deep breaths, 279 00:17:27.240 --> 00:17:32.160 but I'm telling you, our breath is deeply connected to 280 00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:32.839 our feelings. 281 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:33.759 Kayla. 282 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:36.279 I don't know if you remember, but during COVID when 283 00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:38.359 we were all all of us were in deep, deep, 284 00:17:38.400 --> 00:17:40.920 deep deep fear, and we were doing our show from home, 285 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:44.200 and I had a breath expert as a guest on 286 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:47.559 the show and he had us, all us, all meaning 287 00:17:47.640 --> 00:17:52.519 our KFI listeners, doing deep breathing on the radio. And 288 00:17:52.599 --> 00:17:55.799 I got like the meanest call from my program director, going, 289 00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:00.519 never have a meditation on our air, Like, we're all 290 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:02.519 stressed out, we're under COVID. We just need to take 291 00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:04.759 some deep breaths. It's a hard time. We all think 292 00:18:04.759 --> 00:18:10.839 we're gonna die. There's danger in the air breathing. We 293 00:18:10.880 --> 00:18:13.519 all need to breathe more often. And yes, we all 294 00:18:13.559 --> 00:18:18.160 need to move our bodies and stretch. And finally, we 295 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:24.559 need to forgive ourselves. We need to raise our shame tolerance. 296 00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:29.079 Stop feeling like we're being judged all the time. You're 297 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:35.119 worth it. Every single person listening right now is equal. 298 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:38.599 Nobody gets out of here alive. Nobody gets out of 299 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:41.440 here without pain. Some people have more money or less, 300 00:18:41.480 --> 00:18:44.039 their pain's not less. Trust me just has more zeros 301 00:18:44.079 --> 00:18:47.720 at the end of it. But we need to love ourselves, 302 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:53.559 forgive ourselves, and stop letting other people judge us. That 303 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.799 is how we have good mental health. All right, when 304 00:18:56.799 --> 00:19:00.440 we come back, let us begin to talk about our relationships. 305 00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:04.000 There's a word that I hear, especially young women, use 306 00:19:04.160 --> 00:19:07.519 all the time, and that word is settle. It drives 307 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:10.240 me flippin' crazy when I hear it, and I'm about 308 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:10.759 to go off. 309 00:19:10.839 --> 00:19:14.680 When we come back, you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 310 00:19:14.759 --> 00:19:17.480 on demand from KFI Am six forty. 311 00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:21.880 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 312 00:19:21.920 --> 00:19:25.240 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I have been obsessed with the 313 00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:29.039 science of love for quite a few decades. I was 314 00:19:29.079 --> 00:19:33.039 struggling to find a healthy relationship myself, went to a 315 00:19:33.079 --> 00:19:35.279 lot of therapy to figure things out. Eventually went to 316 00:19:35.319 --> 00:19:38.640 graduate school, got a master's a PhD in psychology, wrote 317 00:19:38.799 --> 00:19:42.640 three books on relationships, wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, 318 00:19:43.920 --> 00:19:47.160 and have been reporting as a journalist on the science 319 00:19:47.160 --> 00:19:51.480 of love for quite a long time. So one of 320 00:19:51.519 --> 00:19:54.359 the things that kind of bothers, Oh, you want me 321 00:19:54.400 --> 00:19:58.359 to say something, don't you? Kayla? Okay, how do I 322 00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:01.039 make your phone go open? First of all, if you 323 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:04.880 are listening and we'd like to see us here in 324 00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:07.160 the studio, you're welcome to log onto Instagram because we're 325 00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:09.279 live on Instagram right now. Hi, Instagram, How are you? 326 00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:12.440 I just want to let everybody know that on Thursday, 327 00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:15.440 May twenty ninth, I will be speaking about the science 328 00:20:15.559 --> 00:20:18.880 of Love at a women's wellness event. I believe it's 329 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:22.720 in West Hollywood and oh dear, I know the tickets 330 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:25.480 are only thirty dollars. There's a movie screening called The 331 00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:30.160 m Factor. There are talks by a cardiologist, a menopause specialist, 332 00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:33.759 a women's health and fitness coach, and doctor Wendy Walsh 333 00:20:33.960 --> 00:20:37.759 talking about the science of love. It's a lot about menopause. 334 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:40.960 It's got great doctors. Now where do they go? What's 335 00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:43.880 the website? Can you look at that QR code? Kayla? 336 00:20:43.960 --> 00:20:46.319 I'll give you the website in a minute. Actually, we're 337 00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:48.759 going to post it on the KFI website. So if 338 00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:51.400 you just go to kfiam six forty dot com, Kayla's 339 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:54.000 going to post the flyer on the doctor Wendy Walsh page. 340 00:20:54.000 --> 00:20:55.519 So there you go, May twenty ninth. That'd love for 341 00:20:55.559 --> 00:20:58.839 you to come out. It'll be fun, all right. Having 342 00:20:58.880 --> 00:21:02.680 said that, let's get into the relationship questions in a minute. 343 00:21:02.720 --> 00:21:04.559 I am going to put out the phone number and 344 00:21:04.599 --> 00:21:08.000 I'm going to have you guys call me with your 345 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:10.400 relationship questions. I'm going to say the number now, but 346 00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:12.720 Kayla's not going to open the lines for about ten minutes. 347 00:21:13.000 --> 00:21:15.039 So it's one eight hundred and five two zero one 348 00:21:15.160 --> 00:21:18.720 five three four. Okay. There's one word that I hear 349 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.200 young single women say a lot, and that word is settle. Literally, 350 00:21:22.279 --> 00:21:24.039 they say, well, I don't I just don't want to settle. 351 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:28.200 First of all, they're exhausted from dating. There is a 352 00:21:28.680 --> 00:21:33.680 oversupply of successful single women in the mating marketplace. There 353 00:21:33.720 --> 00:21:39.200 are an undersupply of commitment oriented men, and as a result, 354 00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:43.359 this group of highly successful women are vying for a 355 00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:48.920 very small group of men. And when I hear them 356 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:52.240 say I don't want to settle, I want to remind 357 00:21:52.279 --> 00:21:55.079 And I want to say this so carefully because people 358 00:21:55.119 --> 00:21:58.519 get offended when I say this. This is basic data 359 00:21:59.160 --> 00:22:04.279 and basics to tis we are outliving our relationships. The 360 00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:10.319 purpose of a relationship fifty years ago was two almost strangers, 361 00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:13.920 because the average time, say in nineteen fifty, between meeting 362 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:17.839 and marriage was about six months. Two almost strangers make 363 00:22:17.880 --> 00:22:20.240 a deal between families They were like a bridge between 364 00:22:20.279 --> 00:22:24.079 tribes that they would survive together and probably raise some kids. 365 00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:27.920 Most of them stayed in their own lane, and they 366 00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:31.079 divvied up the jobs that needed to be done, whether 367 00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:34.519 it was financial and bring home resources or farming labor, 368 00:22:34.799 --> 00:22:37.400 whether it was raising kids or whatever. They split up 369 00:22:38.000 --> 00:22:42.519 the survival chores of life, if you will. They weren't 370 00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:46.119 looking for their soulmate. They weren't looking for romantic love. 371 00:22:46.960 --> 00:22:51.119 They weren't looking for somebody to complete them or fulfill them. 372 00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:55.279 Did you know, if you got married in the year 373 00:22:55.400 --> 00:22:59.720 nineteen hundred and you professed, we will be together until 374 00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:02.759 death do us part, the average length of that marriage 375 00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:06.559 was twelve years. If you got married in nineteen ninety 376 00:23:07.359 --> 00:23:09.519 and you did the same thing till death do us part, 377 00:23:10.480 --> 00:23:13.240 the average length of that marriage was twelve years. Now, 378 00:23:13.279 --> 00:23:18.160 in nineteen hundred, people were dying from famines. They were 379 00:23:18.240 --> 00:23:21.599 dying from diseases. They were dying from wars and fights 380 00:23:21.640 --> 00:23:24.759 and infections and all kinds of things. Long before vaccines, 381 00:23:24.799 --> 00:23:27.000 you know, people were dying of all kinds of stuff. 382 00:23:27.559 --> 00:23:31.319 They died. Women died in childbirth a lot. In nineteen ninety. 383 00:23:31.400 --> 00:23:34.920 Despite all the medical advances, people are now breaking up 384 00:23:35.319 --> 00:23:41.000 because of divorce. Relationships have become more fragile. And the 385 00:23:41.039 --> 00:23:44.920 reason they become more fragile is because our expectations have 386 00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.680 become so high. Now I should also his something else happened. 387 00:23:49.480 --> 00:23:55.440 Modern Western capitalism needed a mobile workforce, needed people to 388 00:23:55.480 --> 00:23:58.559 be moving around the country all the time chasing new jobs. 389 00:23:59.240 --> 00:24:01.720 So people were torn away from their villages, they were 390 00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:05.279 torn away from their extended family, and then they expected 391 00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:08.440 their partner to replace the work of all those people, 392 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:12.680 the emotional work. So they lost their important support structure, 393 00:24:12.759 --> 00:24:15.880 of which their mate was one piece of it. But 394 00:24:15.960 --> 00:24:19.480 he or she wasn't the whole thing right. So as 395 00:24:19.519 --> 00:24:23.680 a result, we now expect our mate to be our 396 00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:30.839 best friend, our lover, our intellectual stimulator, everything, Yet we 397 00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:34.400 break up when they're not that. I'm going to make 398 00:24:34.440 --> 00:24:36.440 a case for the fact that you need to go 399 00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:41.599 back to your grandmother's time because we're outliving our relationships. 400 00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:44.079 You may have another chance. If you're a woman who 401 00:24:44.079 --> 00:24:46.359