WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:06.799 Second Sight by Alan Edward Nourse. Note the following excerpts 2 00:00:06.839 --> 00:00:10.439 from Amy Ballentine's journal have never actually been written down 3 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:14.080 at any time before. Her account of impressions and events 4 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:17.160 has been kept in organized fashion in her mind for 5 00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:20.320 at least nine years. Even she is not certain when 6 00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:24.399 she started. But it must be understood that certain inaccuracies 7 00:00:24.440 --> 00:00:27.519 in transcription could not possibly have been avoided in the 8 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:35.200 excerpting attempted here the editor. Tuesday, sixteen May. Lambertson got 9 00:00:35.240 --> 00:00:38.759 back from Boston about two this afternoon. He was tired. 10 00:00:39.320 --> 00:00:42.439 I don't think I've ever seen lambertsince so tired. It 11 00:00:42.520 --> 00:00:47.640 was more than just exhaustion too, maybe anger, frustration. I 12 00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:51.719 couldn't be sure. It seemed more like defeat than anything else. 13 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:54.439 And he went straight from the copter to his office 14 00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:57.920 without even stopping off at the lab at all. It's 15 00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:00.799 good to have him back, though that I haven't had 16 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:04.760 a nice enough rest with Lambertson gone. Dakin took over 17 00:01:04.799 --> 00:01:07.280 the reins for the week. But Dakin doesn't really count, 18 00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:10.359 poor man. It's such a temptation to twist him up 19 00:01:10.359 --> 00:01:12.239 and get him all confused that I didn't do any 20 00:01:12.280 --> 00:01:15.280 real work all week. With Lambertson back, I'll have to 21 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:17.719 get down to the grind again. But I'm still glad 22 00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:20.239 he's here. I never thought i'd miss him so for 23 00:01:20.319 --> 00:01:23.519 such a short time away. But I wish he'd gotten 24 00:01:23.560 --> 00:01:26.680 a rest, if he ever rests. And I wish I 25 00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:28.719 knew why he went to Boston in the first place. 26 00:01:29.400 --> 00:01:32.359 Certainly he didn't want to go. I wanted to read 27 00:01:32.439 --> 00:01:34.719 him and find out, but I don't think I'm supposed 28 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:38.239 to know yet. Lambertson didn't want to talk. He didn't 29 00:01:38.280 --> 00:01:40.359 even tell me he was back, even though he knew 30 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:42.799 i'd catch him five miles down the road. I can 31 00:01:42.840 --> 00:01:46.079 do that now. With Lambertson, distance doesn't seem to make 32 00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:49.319 so much difference anymore if I just ignore it. So 33 00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:51.879 all I got was bits and snatches on the surface 34 00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:55.599 of his mind, something about me and doctor Custer and 35 00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:59.000 a nasty little man called Eron's or Baron's or something. 36 00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:02.000 I've heard him somewhere, but I can't pin it down 37 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:05.400 right now. I'll have to dig that out later, I guess. 38 00:02:05.879 --> 00:02:08.560 But if he saw doctor Custer, why doesn't he tell 39 00:02:08.599 --> 00:02:13.919 me about it? Wednesday, seventeen May, it was Erin's that 40 00:02:14.000 --> 00:02:16.800 he saw in Boston, and now I'm sure that something's 41 00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:20.800 going wrong. I know that man. I remember him from 42 00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:23.520 a long time ago, back when I was still at Bairdsley, 43 00:02:24.080 --> 00:02:27.039 long before I came here to the Study Center. He 44 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:30.199 was the consulting psychiatrist, and I don't think I could 45 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:33.759 ever forget him even if I tried. That's why I 46 00:02:33.759 --> 00:02:37.759 am sure something very unpleasant is going on. Lambertson saw 47 00:02:37.800 --> 00:02:40.879 Doctor Custer too, but the director sent him to Boston 48 00:02:40.960 --> 00:02:43.919 because Aarons wanted to talk to him. I wasn't supposed 49 00:02:43.960 --> 00:02:46.800 to know anything about it, but Lambertson came down to 50 00:02:46.919 --> 00:02:49.360 dinner last night. He wouldn't even look at me. The 51 00:02:49.479 --> 00:02:52.120 skunk I fixed him. I told him I was going 52 00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:54.400 to peak, and then I read him in a flash 53 00:02:54.439 --> 00:02:57.240 before he could shift his mind to Boston traffic or something. 54 00:02:57.599 --> 00:03:01.680 He knows I can't stand traffic. I only picked up 55 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:04.479 a little, but it was enough. There was something very 56 00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:07.199 unpleasant that Eron's had said that I couldn't quite get. 57 00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:11.319 They were in his office. Lambertson had said, I don't 58 00:03:11.319 --> 00:03:13.479 think she's ready for it, and I'd never try to 59 00:03:13.520 --> 00:03:15.639 talk to her into it. At this point. Why can't 60 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:17.240 you people, get it through your heads that she's a 61 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:20.879 child and a human being, not some kind of laboratory animal. 62 00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:24.439 That's been the trouble all along. Everybody's been so eager 63 00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:27.479 to grab, and nobody's given her a wretched thing. In return, 64 00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:32.439 Erin's was smooth, very sad, and reproachful. I got a 65 00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:36.439 clear picture of him, short, balding, mean little eyes and 66 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:41.039 a smug, self righteous little face. Michael. After all, she's 67 00:03:41.080 --> 00:03:44.960 twenty three years old. She's certainly out of diapers by now, 68 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:48.560 but she's only had two years of training aimed at 69 00:03:48.599 --> 00:03:53.000 teaching her anything. Well, there's no reason that that should stop, 70 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:57.240 is there be reasonable Michael. We certainly agree that you've 71 00:03:57.240 --> 00:03:59.919 done a wonderful job with the girl, and not sure 72 00:04:00.319 --> 00:04:03.199 you're sensitive about others working with her, but when you 73 00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:07.680 consider that public taxes are footing the bill, I'm sensitive 74 00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:11.000 about others exploiting her. That's all I tell you. I 75 00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:13.439 won't push her, and I wouldn't let her come up 76 00:04:13.479 --> 00:04:16.199 here even if she agreed to do it. She shouldn't 77 00:04:16.199 --> 00:04:18.480 be tempered with for another year or two at least. 78 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:23.079 Lambertson was angry and bitter. Now three days later he 79 00:04:23.160 --> 00:04:26.600 was still angry, and you're certain that your concern is 80 00:04:26.800 --> 00:04:33.120 entirely professional. Whatever Erin's meant, it wasn't nice. Lambertson caught it, 81 00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:37.199 and oh my chart slapping down on the table, door, slamming, 82 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:42.199 swearing for mild patient Lambertson, can you imagine? And then 83 00:04:42.279 --> 00:04:46.240 later no more anger, just discussed and defeat. That was 84 00:04:46.279 --> 00:04:49.240 what hit me when he came back yesterday. He couldn't 85 00:04:49.279 --> 00:04:53.120 hide it, no matter how he tried. Well, no wonder 86 00:04:53.160 --> 00:04:56.639 he was tired. I remember Erin's all right, He wasn't 87 00:04:56.639 --> 00:05:00.000 so interested in me back in those days, wild one, 88 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:02.759 he called me. We haven't the time or the people 89 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:06.160 to handle anything like this in a public institution. We 90 00:05:06.279 --> 00:05:08.959 have to handle her the way we'd handle any other defective. 91 00:05:09.560 --> 00:05:12.319 She may be a plus defective instead of a minus defective, 92 00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.040 but she's as crippled as if she were deaf and blind. 93 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:18.639 Good Old Aaron's. That was years ago, when I was 94 00:05:18.680 --> 00:05:23.639 barely thirteen, before doctor Custer got interested in and started opthelmoscoping 95 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:26.639 and testing me, before I had ever heard of Lambertson 96 00:05:26.720 --> 00:05:30.279 or the Study Center, for that matter, before anybody had 97 00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:32.480 done anything but feed me and treat me like some 98 00:05:32.600 --> 00:05:36.720 kind of peculiar animal or something. Well, I'm glad it 99 00:05:36.759 --> 00:05:39.240 was Lambertson that went to Boston and not me, for 100 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:42.480 Aaron's sake. And if Aarons tries to come down here 101 00:05:42.519 --> 00:05:44.480 to work with me, he's going to be wasting his 102 00:05:44.600 --> 00:05:47.600 time because I'll lead him all around Robin Hood's barn 103 00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:50.279 and get him so confused he'll wish he'd stayed home. 104 00:05:50.920 --> 00:05:53.360 But I can't help but wonder just the same, Am 105 00:05:53.360 --> 00:05:57.439 I a cripple? Like Aaron said? Does being SI high 106 00:05:57.480 --> 00:06:01.040 mean that? I don't think so? What does Lambertson think? 107 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:04.319 Sometimes when I try to read Lambertson, I'm the one 108 00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:06.720 that gets confused. I wish I could tell what he 109 00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:12.240 really thinks. Wednesday night, I asked Lambertson tonight what doctor 110 00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:15.279 Custer had said he wants to see you next week. 111 00:06:15.480 --> 00:06:18.519 He told me, but Amy, he didn't make any promises. 112 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:22.959 He wasn't even hopeful. But his letter, he said the 113 00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:27.839 study showed that there wasn't any anatomical defect. Lambertson leaned 114 00:06:27.879 --> 00:06:30.199 back and lit his pipe, shaking his head at me. 115 00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:34.680 He's aged ten years this past week. Everybody thinks so 116 00:06:35.480 --> 00:06:37.839 he's lost weight and he looks as if he hasn't 117 00:06:37.879 --> 00:06:41.000 slept at all. Custer's afraid that it isn't a question 118 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:44.759 of anatomy amy. But what is it then, For heaven's sake, 119 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:49.319 he doesn't know. He says it's not very scientific. But 120 00:06:49.399 --> 00:06:52.279 it may just be that what you don't use, you lose. 121 00:06:52.920 --> 00:06:58.199 Oh but that's silly. I chewed my lip, granted, but 122 00:06:58.439 --> 00:07:02.360 he thinks that there's a chance. Of course there's a chance, 123 00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:05.279 and you know he'll do everything he can. It's just 124 00:07:05.319 --> 00:07:07.800 that neither of us wants you to get your hopes up. 125 00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:12.399 It wasn't much, but it was something. Lambertson looked so beat. 126 00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:15.399 I didn't have the heart to ask him what Eron's wanted, 127 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:17.759 even though I know he'd like to get it off 128 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:21.560 his chest. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I spent the 129 00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:24.040 day with Charlie Dakin in the lab and did a 130 00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:27.879 little work for a change. I've been disgustingly lazy, and 131 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:31.360 poor Charley thinks it's all his fault. Charlie reads like 132 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:33.759 a twenty point type ninety percent of the time, and 133 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:37.000 I'm afraid he knows it. I can tell just exactly 134 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:39.519 when he stops paying attention to business and starts paying 135 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:41.800 attention to me, and then all of a sudden he 136 00:07:41.879 --> 00:07:44.519 realizes I'm reading him, and it flusters him for the 137 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:47.560 rest of the day. I wonder, why does he really 138 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:53.360 think I'm shocked or surprised or insulted? Poor Charlie. I 139 00:07:53.360 --> 00:07:55.879 guess I must be good enough looking. I can read 140 00:07:55.920 --> 00:07:58.480 it from almost every fellow that comes near me. I 141 00:07:58.519 --> 00:08:01.759 wonder why, I mean, why me and not Marjorie over 142 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:04.279 in the main office. She's a sweet girl, but she 143 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:06.959 never gets a second look from the guys. There must 144 00:08:07.000 --> 00:08:10.319 be some fine differential point I'm missing somewhere, but I 145 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:13.560 don't think I'll ever understand it. I'm not going to 146 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:16.560 press Lambertson, but I hope he opens up tomorrow. He's 147 00:08:16.600 --> 00:08:19.000 got me scared silly by now. He has a lot 148 00:08:19.000 --> 00:08:22.160 of authority around here, but other people are paying the bills, 149 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:25.000 and when he's frightened about something, it can't help but 150 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:29.920 frighten me. Thursday, eighteen May, we went back to reaction 151 00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:33.039 testing in the lab with Lambertson today. That study is 152 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.639 almost finished, as much as anything I work on as 153 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:39.080 ever finished, which isn't very much. The test had two 154 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:43.360 goals to clock my stimulus response pattern in comparison to normals, 155 00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:46.279 and to find out just exactly when I pick up 156 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:50.320 any given thought signal from the person I'm reading. It 157 00:08:50.360 --> 00:08:53.480 isn't a matter of developing speed. I'm already so fast 158 00:08:53.480 --> 00:08:55.879 to respond that it doesn't mean too much from anybody 159 00:08:55.879 --> 00:08:58.919 else's standpoint, and I certainly don't need any training there. 160 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:01.799 But where along the line do I pick up a 161 00:09:01.840 --> 00:09:05.200 thought impulse? Do I catch it at its inception? Do 162 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:07.919 I pick up the thought formulation or just the final 163 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:12.320 crystallized pattern. Lambertson thinks I'm with it right from the start, 164 00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:14.840 and that some training in those lines would be worth 165 00:09:14.879 --> 00:09:18.320 my time. Of course, we didn't find out, not even 166 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:21.679 with the ingenious little random firing device that Dakin designed 167 00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:25.080 for the study. With this gadget, neither Lambertson nor I 168 00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:28.120 know what impulse the box is going to throw at him. 169 00:09:28.440 --> 00:09:31.000 He just throws a switch and it starts coming. He 170 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:34.200 catches it, reacts, I catch it from him and react, 171 00:09:34.320 --> 00:09:37.399 and we compare reaction times. This afternoon, it had us 172 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:40.200 driving up a hill and sent a ten ton truck 173 00:09:40.360 --> 00:09:42.879 rolling down on us, out of control. I had my 174 00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:45.919 flasher on two seconds before Lambertson did, of course, but 175 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:49.039 our reaction times are standardized, so when we corrected for 176 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:51.600 my extra speed, we knew that I must have caught 177 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:56.519 the impulse about zero point zero seven seconds after he did. Crude, 178 00:09:56.639 --> 00:09:59.799 of course, but not nearly fast enough. And we can't 179 00:09:59.799 --> 00:10:03.320 re produce on a stable basis. Lambertson says, that's as 180 00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:06.039 close as we can get without cortical probes. And that's 181 00:10:06.080 --> 00:10:08.440 where I put my foot down. I may have a 182 00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:11.080 gold mine in this head of mine, but nobody is 183 00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:13.840 going to put burholes through my skull in order to 184 00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:17.759 tap it. Not for a while. Yet. That's unfair, of course, 185 00:10:17.799 --> 00:10:20.200 because it sounds as if Lambertson were trying to force 186 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:23.279 me into something, and he isn't. I've read him about that, 187 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:26.639 and I know he wouldn't allow it. Let's learn everything 188 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:29.840 else we can learn without it first, he says. Later, 189 00:10:30.120 --> 00:10:32.120 if you want to go along with it, maybe, but 190 00:10:32.279 --> 00:10:35.919 right now you're not competent to decide for yourself. He 191 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:38.720 may be right, but why not? Why does he keep 192 00:10:38.759 --> 00:10:42.039 acting as if I'm a child? Am I really? With 193 00:10:42.159 --> 00:10:45.559 everything and I mean everything coming into my mind for 194 00:10:45.600 --> 00:10:48.240 the past twenty three years, haven't I learned enough to 195 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:52.120 make decisions for myself. Lambertson says, of course everything has 196 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:54.799 been coming in. It's just that I don't know what 197 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:57.279 to do with it all. But somewhere along the line, 198 00:10:57.440 --> 00:10:59.960 I have to reach a maturation point of some kind. 199 00:11:01.480 --> 00:11:04.600 It scares me sometimes because I can't find an answer 200 00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:07.559 to it, and the answer might be perfectly horrible. I 201 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:10.879 don't know where it may end. What's worse, I don't 202 00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:13.399 know what point it has reached right now. How much 203 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:16.759 difference is there between my mind and Lambert Sin's. I'm 204 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:20.639 sy hi and he isn't, granted, But is there more 205 00:11:20.679 --> 00:11:23.919 to it than that? People like Aaron's think so. They 206 00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:27.159 think it's a difference between human function and something else, 207 00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:31.120 And that scares me because it just isn't true. I'm 208 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:34.240 as human as anybody else. But somehow it seems that 209 00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:36.799 I'm the one who has to prove it. I wonder 210 00:11:36.840 --> 00:11:39.360 if I ever will. That's why doctor Custer has to 211 00:11:39.399 --> 00:11:42.519 help me. Everything hangs on that. I'm to go up 212 00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:45.840 to Boston next week for final studies and testing. If 213 00:11:45.879 --> 00:11:48.879 doctor Custer can do something, what a difference that'll make. 214 00:11:49.320 --> 00:11:51.639 Maybe then I could get out of this whole frightening mess. 215 00:11:51.720 --> 00:11:54.320 Put it behind me and forget about it. With just 216 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:57.879 the sigh alone. I don't think I ever can. Friday, 217 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:02.120 nineteen May, Todayambertson broke down and told me what it 218 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.000 was that Erin's had been proposing. It was worse than 219 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:07.240 I thought it would be. The man had hit on 220 00:12:07.320 --> 00:12:09.879 the one thing that I'd been afraid of for so long. 221 00:12:10.840 --> 00:12:14.240 He wants you to work against normals, Lambertson said. He 222 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:18.159 swallowed the latency hypothesis whole. He thinks that everybody must 223 00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:20.720 have a latent sigh potential, and that all that is 224 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:22.759 needed to drag it into the open is a powerful 225 00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:27.399 stimulus from someone with full blown sigh powers. Well, I said, 226 00:12:27.879 --> 00:12:32.879 do you think so? Who knows? Lambertson slammed his pencil 227 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:36.440 down on the desk angrily. No, I don't think so. 228 00:12:36.960 --> 00:12:39.679 But what does that mean? Not a thing. It certainly 229 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:42.440 doesn't mean. I'm right. Nobody knows the answer, not me, 230 00:12:42.759 --> 00:12:45.759 nor Erin's nor anybody. And Erin's wants to use you 231 00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:51.000 to find out. I nodded slowly. I see, so I'm 232 00:12:51.039 --> 00:12:54.159 to be used as a sort of refined electrical stimulator. 233 00:12:54.440 --> 00:12:57.200 I said, Well, I guess you know what you can tell. 234 00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:01.120 Erins He was silent and I couldn't read him. Then 235 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:04.799 he looked up. Amy. I'm not sure we can tell 236 00:13:04.879 --> 00:13:08.720 him that I stared at him. You mean you think 237 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:12.240 he could force me. He says you're a public charge 238 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:14.360 that as long as you have to be supported and 239 00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:16.799 cared for, they have the right to use your faculties. 240 00:13:17.120 --> 00:13:19.279 And he's right on the first point. You are a 241 00:13:19.279 --> 00:13:22.879 public charge. You have to be sheltered and protected. If 242 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:25.360 you wondered so much as a mile outside these walls, 243 00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:28.759 you'd never survive. And you know it. I sat stunned. 244 00:13:29.240 --> 00:13:33.159 But doctor Custer. Doctor Custer is trying to help, but 245 00:13:33.240 --> 00:13:36.360 he hasn't succeeded so far. If he can, then it 246 00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:39.600 would be a different story. But I can't stall much longer. 247 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:43.679 Amy Aaron's has a powerful argument. You're sy Hi. You're 248 00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:47.360 the first full fledged, wide open, free wheeling sy Hi 249 00:13:47.480 --> 00:13:51.360 that's ever appeared in human history. The first others in 250 00:13:51.399 --> 00:13:54.639 the past have shown potential, maybe, but nothing they could 251 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:58.600 ever learn to control. You've got control, You're fully developed. 252 00:13:58.879 --> 00:14:02.879 You're here, and you're the only one there is. Oh 253 00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:06.039 so I happened to be unlucky. I snapped my gen's 254 00:14:06.039 --> 00:14:09.240 got mixed up. That's not true, and you know it. 255 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:12.960 Lambertson said, we know your chromosomes better than your face. 256 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:16.559 They're the same as anyone else's. There's no gene difference, 257 00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:19.480 none at all. When you're gone, you'll be gone, and 258 00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:21.600 there's no reason to think that your children will have 259 00:14:21.639 --> 00:14:25.639 any more side potential than Charlie Dakin has. Something was 260 00:14:25.679 --> 00:14:28.240 building up in me that I couldn't control any longer. 261 00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:32.399 You think I should go with Errands, I said, dully, 262 00:14:33.159 --> 00:14:36.679 He hesitated. I'm afraid you're going to have to sooner 263 00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:40.080 or later. Erin's has some latence up in Boston. He's 264 00:14:40.080 --> 00:14:43.360 certain that they're latents. He's talked to the directors down here. 265 00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:45.879 He's convinced them that you could work with his people, 266 00:14:46.200 --> 00:14:48.559 draw them out. You could open the door to a 267 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:52.799 whole new world for human beings. I lost my temper. 268 00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:57.159 Then It wasn't just Eron's or Lambertson or Dakin or 269 00:14:57.200 --> 00:14:59.759 any of the others. It was all of them, dozens 270 00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:04.000 of them, compounded year upon year upon year. Now listen 271 00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:07.120 to me for a minute, I said, have any of 272 00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:10.600 you ever considered what I wanted in this thing? Ever? 273 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:14.320 Have any of you given that one single thought, just once, 274 00:15:14.679 --> 00:15:17.159 one time when you were so sick of thinking great 275 00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:20.200 thoughts for humanity that you let another thought leak through. 276 00:15:20.679 --> 00:15:23.039 Have you ever thought about what kind of a shuffle 277 00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:26.360 I've had since all this started? Well you'd better think 278 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:31.000 about it right now. Amy. You know I don't want 279 00:15:31.039 --> 00:15:35.159 to push you. Listen to me, Lambertson. My folks got 280 00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:37.240 rid of me fast when they found out about me. 281 00:15:37.639 --> 00:15:41.000 Did you know that they hated me because I scared them? 282 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:43.279 It didn't hurt me too much because I thought I 283 00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:46.159 knew why they hated me. I could understand it, and 284 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:49.200 I went off to Bairdsley without even crying. They were 285 00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:52.039 going to come see me every week, but you know 286 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:55.320 how often they managed to make it not once. After 287 00:15:55.360 --> 00:15:58.159 I was off their hands. And then at Bairdsley, Erin's 288 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:00.240 examined me and decided that I was a crip. Well 289 00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:03.039 he didn't know anything about me then, but he thought 290 00:16:03.080 --> 00:16:05.600 SI was a defect. And that was as far as 291 00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:07.799 it went. I did what Eron's wanted me to do 292 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:11.320 at Bairdsley, never what I wanted, just what they wanted, 293 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:14.480 years and years of what they wanted, and then you 294 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:16.960 came along, and I came to the study center and 295 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:20.600 did what you wanted. It hurt him, and I knew it. 296 00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:23.440 I guess that was what I wanted, to hurt him 297 00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:26.799 and to hurt everybody. He was shaking his head, staring 298 00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:31.200 at me, Amy, be fair. I've tried, you know how hard. 299 00:16:31.240 --> 00:16:36.080 I've tried. Tried what to train me, yes, but why 300 00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:39.759 to give me better use of my sye faculties? Yes? 301 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.799 But why did you do it for me? Is that 302 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:45.519 really why you did it? Or was that just another 303 00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:47.960 phony front like all the rest of them, in order 304 00:16:48.000 --> 00:16:50.600 to use me, to make me a little more valuable 305 00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:53.720 to have around. He slat my face so hard it 306 00:16:53.799 --> 00:16:56.799 jolted me. I could feel the awful pain and hurt 307 00:16:56.840 --> 00:16:58.960 in his mind as he stared at me, and I 308 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:01.519 sensed the stinging in his palm that matched the burning 309 00:17:01.559 --> 00:17:04.839 in my cheek. And then something fell away in his 310 00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:07.960 mind and I saw something I had never seen before. 311 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:13.240 He loved me. That man. Incredible, isn't it? He loved 312 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:17.079 me Me who couldn't call him anything but Lambertson, who 313 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:20.680 couldn't imagine calling him Michael, to say nothing of Mike 314 00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:25.319 just Lambertson who did this, or Lambertson who thought that? 315 00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:29.000 But he could never tell me. He had decided that 316 00:17:29.640 --> 00:17:32.519 I was too helpless. I needed him too much. I 317 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:35.240 needed love, but not the kind of love Lambertson wanted 318 00:17:35.279 --> 00:17:41.000 to give. So that kind of love had to be hidden, concealed, suppressed. 319 00:17:41.880 --> 00:17:45.440 I needed the deepest imaginable understanding. But it had to 320 00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:50.079 be utterly unselfish understanding. Anything else would be taking advantage 321 00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:53.160 of me. So a barrier had to be built, a 322 00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:56.200 barrier that I should never penetrate, and that he should 323 00:17:56.279 --> 00:18:00.039 never be tempted to break down. Lambertson had done that 324 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:05.039 for me. It was all there, suddenly, so overwhelming it 325 00:18:05.160 --> 00:18:08.279 made me gasp from the impact. I wanted to throw 326 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:11.720 my arms around him. Instead, I sat down in the chair, 327 00:18:12.079 --> 00:18:16.039 shaking my head helplessly. I hated myself then. I had 328 00:18:16.119 --> 00:18:20.079 hated myself before, but never like this. If I could 329 00:18:20.119 --> 00:18:23.599 only go somewhere, I said, some place where nobody knew me, 330 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:26.039 where I could just live by myself for a while 331 00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:28.880 and shut the doors, shut out the thoughts and pretend 332 00:18:28.920 --> 00:18:33.119 for a while, just pretend that I'm perfectly normal. I 333 00:18:33.160 --> 00:18:37.039 wish you could Lambertson said, but you can't, you know that, 334 00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:40.519 not unless custerra can really help. We sat there for 335 00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:43.960 a while. Then I said, let Errands come down, let 336 00:18:44.039 --> 00:18:46.799 him bring anybody he wants with him. I'll do what 337 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:51.119 he wants until I see Custer. That hurt, too, but 338 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:54.200 it was different. That hurt both of us together, not 339 00:18:54.400 --> 00:18:57.920 separately any more, And somehow it didn't hurt so much 340 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:03.079 that way. Monday, twenty two May, Erin's drove down from 341 00:19:03.079 --> 00:19:05.880 Boston this morning with a girl named Mary Bolton, and 342 00:19:05.960 --> 00:19:09.119 we went to work. I think I'm beginning to understand 343 00:19:09.160 --> 00:19:11.279 how a dog can tell when someone wants to kick 344 00:19:11.359 --> 00:19:14.200 him and doesn't quite dare. I could feel the back 345 00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:16.440 of my neck prickle when that man walked into the 346 00:19:16.480 --> 00:19:19.519 conference room. I was hoping he might have changed since 347 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:23.119 the last time I saw him. He hadn't, but I had. 348 00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:26.839 I wasn't afraid of him any more, just awfully tired 349 00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:30.440 of him after he'd been here about ten minutes. Oh 350 00:19:30.480 --> 00:19:33.440 but that girl, I wonder what sort of story he'd 351 00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:36.519 told her. She couldn't have been more than sixteen, and 352 00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:40.039 she was terrorized. At first I thought it was Erin's. 353 00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:43.279 She was afraid of but that wasn't so it was me. 354 00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:46.599 It took us all morning just to get around that. 355 00:19:47.079 --> 00:19:49.880 The poor girl could hardly make herself talk. She was 356 00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:52.799 shaking all over when they arrived. We took a walk 357 00:19:52.799 --> 00:19:55.839 around the grounds alone, and I read her bit by bit, 358 00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:59.960 A feeler here, a planted suggestion there, just getting her. 359 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:02.440 I used to the idea and trying to reassure her. 360 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:06.079 After a while, she was smiling. She thought the lagoon 361 00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:08.119 was lovely, and by the time we got back to 362 00:20:08.200 --> 00:20:11.920 the main building, she was laughing, talking about herself, beginning 363 00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:15.519 to relax. Then I gave her a full blast quickly, 364 00:20:15.799 --> 00:20:19.720 only a moment or two. Don't be afraid. I hate him, yes, 365 00:20:19.880 --> 00:20:22.759 but I won't hurt you for anything. Let me come in, 366 00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:25.359 don't fight me. We've got to work as a team. 367 00:20:26.319 --> 00:20:29.200 It shook her. She turned white and almost passed out 368 00:20:29.240 --> 00:20:33.640 for a moment. Then she nodded slowly. I see, she said, 369 00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:38.839 it feels as if it's way inside, deep inside. That's right, 370 00:20:39.240 --> 00:20:43.400 it won't hurt I promise. She nodded again. Let's go 371 00:20:43.559 --> 00:20:46.799 back now, I think I'm ready to try. We went 372 00:20:46.880 --> 00:20:50.079 to work. I was as blind as she was at first. 373 00:20:50.519 --> 00:20:53.160 There was nothing there at first, not even a flicker 374 00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:58.240 of brightness. Then probing deeper, something responded only a hint, 375 00:20:58.559 --> 00:21:02.960 a suggestion of something deep and hidden. But where what 376 00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:06.680 was her strength? Where was she weak? I couldn't tell. 377 00:21:07.480 --> 00:21:10.960 We started on dice, crude, of course, but as good 378 00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:14.359 a tool as any. Dice are no good for measuring anything. 379 00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:17.279 But that was why I was there. I was the 380 00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:21.920 measuring instrument. The dice were only reactors sensitive enough two 381 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:24.759 balsam cubes tossed from a box with only gravity to 382 00:21:24.799 --> 00:21:28.519 work against. I showed her first, picked up her mind 383 00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:31.799 as the dice popped out. Let her through it. Take 384 00:21:31.880 --> 00:21:34.759 one at a time, the red one first, work on it. 385 00:21:34.799 --> 00:21:39.960 See now we try both once more? Watch it all right? Now? 386 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:43.599 She sat frozen in the chair. She was trying. The 387 00:21:43.720 --> 00:21:48.119 sweat stood out on her forehead. Aaron sat tense, smoking, 388 00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:50.960 his fingers twitching as he watched the red and green 389 00:21:51.079 --> 00:21:56.119 cubes bounce on the white backdrop. Lamberton watched too, but 390 00:21:56.200 --> 00:21:59.559 his eyes were on the girl, not the cubes. It 391 00:21:59.599 --> 00:22:02.680 was hard work. Bit by bit, she began to grab 392 00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:05.799 whatever I had felt in her mind seemed to leap up. 393 00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:09.519 I probed her, amplifying it, trying to draw it out. 394 00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:14.000 It was like wading through knee deep mud, sticky, sluggish, resisting. 395 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:17.519 I could feel her excitement growing, and bit by bit 396 00:22:17.640 --> 00:22:21.920 I released my grip, easing her out, baiting her. All right, 397 00:22:22.039 --> 00:22:25.279 I said, that's enough. She turned to me, wide eyed, 398 00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:31.039 A I did it. Erin's was on his feet, breathing heavily. 399 00:22:31.720 --> 00:22:35.640 It worked. It worked, not very well, but it's there. 400 00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:40.000 All she needs is time and help and patience. But 401 00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:44.680