WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.799 A Boundless Authenticity podcast. 2 00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:09.679 Welcome back to another episode of Boundless Authenticity. This episode 3 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:12.519 is for anyone going through it, if you've suffered a 4 00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:16.559 loss or are just facing adversity. My guest today is 5 00:00:16.679 --> 00:00:20.519 Vicky Paris Goodman, the author of To Sam with Love, 6 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:25.120 a surviving spouse's story of inspired grief. After the death 7 00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:27.760 in twenty nineteen of her husband, Sam, the love of 8 00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:31.879 her life, she was unexpectedly flooded with optimism and presented 9 00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:35.759 with a host of possibilities for an exciting and meaningful future. 10 00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:40.880 She received valuable insights, seemingly coming from an outside source, 11 00:00:41.399 --> 00:00:45.280 enabling her to conceive a more realistic and uplifting understanding 12 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:49.240 of adversity and loss. She knows these concepts wire free 13 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:51.679 others to face the passing of a loved one with 14 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:55.719 a far more optimistic outlook. Having lived most of her 15 00:00:55.719 --> 00:00:59.039 life in the Los Angeles area, Miss Goodman now resides 16 00:00:59.079 --> 00:01:03.479 in the mountains of sen Arizona. She's a retired mechanical engineer. 17 00:01:03.799 --> 00:01:07.599 She sings and plays violin semi professionally, and for over 18 00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:11.680 twenty years she served a Long Beach, California area newspaper 19 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:15.159 as a theater critic. She has just completed her second book, 20 00:01:15.239 --> 00:01:18.920 Speed Bumps and Other Impediments to Life in the Fast Lane, 21 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:22.400 a slightly self deprecating memoir on the trials of life 22 00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:27.359 of a type A personality. Go to inspiredbrief dot com 23 00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:30.879 to purchase Sam with Love at a discount, to subscribe 24 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:34.760 to Vicky's free belief Shifting three episode audio series, and 25 00:01:34.840 --> 00:01:38.680 to contact Vicki and read her blog. And while I'm here, 26 00:01:38.719 --> 00:01:40.640 I have to say thank you again to all of 27 00:01:40.680 --> 00:01:43.719 the new subscribers and followers, and I just want to 28 00:01:43.719 --> 00:01:46.400 remind you that if you aren't currently a follower of 29 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:50.400 the show, go ahead and do so now. Boundless Authenticity 30 00:01:50.519 --> 00:01:54.519 is available on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple, Rumble, and sometimes YouTube 31 00:01:54.680 --> 00:01:58.680 when they aren't punishing me for being a bad boy. However, 32 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:02.000 I highly reckoon men using the Speaker app as it 33 00:02:02.040 --> 00:02:05.200 is free to listen and no sign it required. All 34 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:08.039 you have to do is just hit play. So how's 35 00:02:08.039 --> 00:02:09.120 it going great? 36 00:02:09.319 --> 00:02:11.280 I really want to thank you for having me on 37 00:02:11.319 --> 00:02:15.120 your terrific show, Jehan, and I'm really excited. 38 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:18.199 Yeah, yeah, I'm glad he contacted me. This is right 39 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:21.240 up my alley because I've been wanting to focus more 40 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:24.360 on this subject, So I'll let you have the floor. 41 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:26.879 How'd you get into this situation? 42 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:32.199 Yeah, back in twenty seventeen when my husband Sam and 43 00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:37.800 I moved to our our basically where we decided to 44 00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:42.159 retire in Arizona. You know, we moved into our house. 45 00:02:42.199 --> 00:02:45.439 We were so excited, and then we got his terminal 46 00:02:45.479 --> 00:02:50.919 cancer diagnosis, and you know, we both bucked up. He 47 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.719 lived another two years, did really well. For a year 48 00:02:53.759 --> 00:02:56.199 and a half of that, you couldn't tell he was sick, 49 00:02:56.319 --> 00:02:59.000 you know, he was still eating well, working out, you know, 50 00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:01.639 doing great. Was really only the last six months or 51 00:03:01.719 --> 00:03:10.439 so where he declined and after Sam passed, even though 52 00:03:10.439 --> 00:03:17.039 I'm a survivor type basically not particularly optimistic compared with 53 00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:19.879 most people, not pessimistic, kind of middle of the road, 54 00:03:20.400 --> 00:03:24.560 but I was flooded with optimism. And it was on 55 00:03:24.639 --> 00:03:29.560 the day he passed, which seemed a little unseemly, you know, 56 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:32.639 and my first instinct was to push it away, but 57 00:03:32.719 --> 00:03:36.800 I thought, you know, I was so strong during our 58 00:03:36.840 --> 00:03:41.599 two year ordeal from diagnosis to his passing, and I 59 00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:46.360 took good care of him, you know, toward the end 60 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:48.639 when he needed taking care of and I thought, you know, 61 00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:51.400 if good things want to come my way, even this 62 00:03:51.719 --> 00:03:57.800 soon after Sam's passing, maybe I should let them. And 63 00:03:57.840 --> 00:04:02.439 that started me on the road to a lot of 64 00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:09.599 really good things, opportunities that I felt motivated to embrace, 65 00:04:12.120 --> 00:04:17.879 insights that really gave me clarity and put me on 66 00:04:17.959 --> 00:04:23.800 this path to get those same insights out to others 67 00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:27.079 so they can benefit from them as well. And we 68 00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:31.920 can talk more about those serendipitous events were occurring, you know, 69 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:36.240 at a pretty fast clip for a while after Sam passed, 70 00:04:36.279 --> 00:04:39.720 almost like he was sending me messages, you know, and 71 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:43.720 you know, all of it put together. I decided to 72 00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:49.279 call it inspired grief because it was just so inspiring 73 00:04:49.480 --> 00:04:53.600 and I was grieving over his loss and mostly the 74 00:04:53.720 --> 00:04:56.120 changes that had happened to my life from him not 75 00:04:56.199 --> 00:05:00.720 being here with me anymore. But so many things happened 76 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:06.160 in a timely fashion after he passed that I felt, 77 00:05:07.360 --> 00:05:11.480 I feel like I'm being transformed. For one thing, I 78 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:16.319 was raised very secular in a very secular family, and 79 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:20.920 some years before Sam passed, I had decided there must 80 00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:24.160 be a higher power. All of this around us could 81 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:28.920 not have happened spontaneously on its own. But I'd never 82 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:32.199 taken my belief in a higher power. Very far, it 83 00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:38.199 remained very rudimentary. But after Sam passed, suddenly I wanted 84 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:41.839 to know if he was still around and if so 85 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:46.399 where I was offered by the hospice we used. I 86 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:50.360 was offered meetings with their chaplain about once a month 87 00:05:50.399 --> 00:05:53.480 for a year after Sam passed, and I said yes 88 00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:56.079 to that. And the first thing I asked her in 89 00:05:56.160 --> 00:06:00.600 our first meeting was tell me about the afterlife, and 90 00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:06.160 she did give me some really insightful thoughts on that. 91 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:09.040 But the best thing she did was she recommended that 92 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:13.040 I read the story of a secular neurosurgeon who had 93 00:06:13.079 --> 00:06:19.480 had a near death experience. And after reading his story, 94 00:06:19.639 --> 00:06:23.759 I found it so compelling, so convincing, that it took 95 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:27.079 me the rest of the way to fully believing in 96 00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:33.920 God and an afterlife. And that is probably the single 97 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:38.959 most important thing that happened soon after Sam passed to 98 00:06:39.079 --> 00:06:45.839 start me on this mission of mine with the insights 99 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:52.959 and the opportunities and now me working very hard actually 100 00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:56.680 to get to get the message out. Because let me 101 00:06:56.759 --> 00:06:59.600 just give you give you one example of one of 102 00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:01.560 the insight sites I received, and it's not even in 103 00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:05.720 the book, because this one came after I published the book, 104 00:07:05.800 --> 00:07:08.360 And I published the book two years after Sam passed, 105 00:07:08.680 --> 00:07:11.000 so the insights were still coming, and some of the 106 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:14.160 most powerful ones came after I published the book, you know, 107 00:07:14.199 --> 00:07:17.160 two and a half, three years after Sam passed. And 108 00:07:17.720 --> 00:07:23.240 probably the most stunning of those insights, Well, I'll ask, 109 00:07:23.680 --> 00:07:27.040 I'll tell you in the form of a question, is 110 00:07:27.199 --> 00:07:33.920 death really tragic? And I say no, if you believe 111 00:07:34.120 --> 00:07:38.959 in a loving God and a beautiful beyond words after life, 112 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:41.759 and if God has a plan for each one of us, 113 00:07:42.279 --> 00:07:45.800 and if your loved one passes ahead of you, I 114 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:49.079 mean someone's got to you know. It's pretty rare for 115 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:53.879 two people to you know, die in a plane crash together, 116 00:07:54.199 --> 00:07:56.879 or in a car crash or something. Usually one passes 117 00:07:57.120 --> 00:08:00.639 ahead of the other. So the way I look at 118 00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:03.639 it now is Sam that God's plan was for Sam 119 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:05.560 to pass ahead of me. Now Sam is in this 120 00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:09.959 beautiful place, He's still around, just in a different way. 121 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:16.160 And God's plan for me was to continue in this 122 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:21.279 earthly life for some amount of time which we don't know. 123 00:08:22.519 --> 00:08:29.519 And I am tasked with learning more, experiencing more, and 124 00:08:29.560 --> 00:08:35.440 maybe even teaching others while I'm here. And so I 125 00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:39.440 don't see that as tragic at all. I see Sam 126 00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:43.600 getting to go to this beautiful place as cause for celebration, 127 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:47.600 as crazy as that might, Sam, given the way we're 128 00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:49.960 conditioned in our culture to think of. 129 00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:54.799 Death, so you ended that with the right thing is conditioning. 130 00:08:55.240 --> 00:09:01.559 We're told to act a fool pretty much, and find 131 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:04.879 that a lot about that makes the death of the 132 00:09:04.919 --> 00:09:09.879 person about me. You know what I'm saying really selfish 133 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:15.399 and I don't think that that's a healthy response to 134 00:09:15.480 --> 00:09:18.639 that scenario whatsoever. So I find what you're saying to 135 00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:25.360 be quite fascinating. And again with that societal conditioning, then 136 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:28.039 that kind of shines the light on the quality of 137 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:31.559 relationship that you had with the person. Are you grieving 138 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:35.039 because you're guilty that you didn't treat the person well? 139 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:39.159 While because a lot of people I've seen will just 140 00:09:39.200 --> 00:09:43.600 be like in tears forever about it and they won't 141 00:09:43.960 --> 00:09:47.679 really resolve anything that's going on in their heads. It 142 00:09:47.799 --> 00:09:50.600 just continues for anything up to a lifetime until they 143 00:09:50.600 --> 00:09:54.240 eventually die. And that doesn't make any sense to me. 144 00:09:54.399 --> 00:09:59.240 And it's almost like they're beyond any kind of conversation 145 00:09:59.320 --> 00:10:03.039 about it. They're not open to changing the way that 146 00:10:03.080 --> 00:10:06.399 they feel or feeling better or doing better or any 147 00:10:06.440 --> 00:10:09.519 of those things. And then it also shines to light 148 00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:14.240 on Okay, well, how do you actually end up loving 149 00:10:14.279 --> 00:10:17.759 this person that has passed? Is the way that you 150 00:10:17.799 --> 00:10:20.279 love them a container? Is it some kind of a 151 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:24.679 prison that you put them in yourself? Because that doesn't 152 00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:28.480 sound a lot like anything that's very free to have 153 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:30.360 that kind of reaction. Am I making sense? 154 00:10:31.639 --> 00:10:38.159 Absolutely? You're making sense, you know. We You're right about 155 00:10:38.159 --> 00:10:42.960 the guilt. There's a lot of guilt, not so much. 156 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:45.360 It might have something to do with the way they 157 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.960 treated the person, you know, when they were living. You know, 158 00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:53.679 none of us have perfect relationships, and there is a 159 00:10:53.720 --> 00:10:56.440 lot of guilt around that. But I think most of 160 00:10:56.480 --> 00:10:59.639 the guilt with people who have lost a loved one 161 00:10:59.679 --> 00:11:05.720 who was very important to them is more about am 162 00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:09.759 I getting the grief right? Am I? You know? How 163 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:12.919 long should I do this for? You know, in order 164 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:16.320 to honor this person? You know, I don't want to 165 00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:19.720 shorten it too much, because you know, then I'm not 166 00:11:19.879 --> 00:11:25.200 honoring them properly. All of this this conditioning that tells 167 00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:28.200 us to look at it this way, it makes no sense. 168 00:11:28.240 --> 00:11:30.960 And what I find really interesting is when I say, 169 00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:34.080 is death really tragic? I say no, There are more 170 00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:40.799 people with this belief system loving God, beautiful beyond words afterlife. 171 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:43.480 There are more people with that belief system who nod 172 00:11:43.559 --> 00:11:46.279 their heads knowingly. And I'm thinking, well, if you know this, 173 00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:52.320 why do you not connect the dots? Make that connection 174 00:11:53.240 --> 00:11:56.519 that from what you're you're saying, you know. 175 00:11:57.440 --> 00:11:57.519 To. 176 00:11:59.360 --> 00:12:03.679 Excuse me, to how you're grieving or how you're treating 177 00:12:03.720 --> 00:12:07.480 someone else who has suffered a loss. You know. I'd 178 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:10.679 like to start a movement to get people to connect 179 00:12:10.759 --> 00:12:14.120 those dots so that we're so that the way we 180 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:22.120 react to a death is more aligned with our belief system. 181 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:24.039 But death really isn't tragic. 182 00:12:25.080 --> 00:12:30.399 Yeah, it's just so much more healthy to feel whatever 183 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:33.240 is that's going on and try to move on from 184 00:12:33.279 --> 00:12:37.200 that then make it into something that's bigger than what 185 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:42.080 it is. It affects people around you negatively, and it's 186 00:12:42.080 --> 00:12:46.879 not doing you any goodness either. It's really just subtractive, 187 00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:50.080 and I don't feel like the process of grieving needs 188 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:54.000 to be subtractive to your energy whatsoever. It's hard. We 189 00:12:54.120 --> 00:12:56.480 know that there's going to be things that come up. 190 00:12:56.519 --> 00:12:59.399 Like you said when you were realizing the impact that 191 00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:06.360 your husband on you and you know you will miss him, right, yeah, yeah. 192 00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:08.200 You know there are so many people who get stuck 193 00:13:08.240 --> 00:13:14.759 in grief, as we have alluded to already, Jehan And uh, 194 00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:19.840 you know, sometimes it last week, sometimes months, sometimes years, 195 00:13:20.279 --> 00:13:24.279 or as you as you pointed out, sometimes sometimes people 196 00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:27.080 do this for the rest of their lives until they pass. 197 00:13:27.200 --> 00:13:30.799 And I look at it as such a waste of 198 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:33.679 time and energy and what they could have done with 199 00:13:33.720 --> 00:13:38.639 their lives. So here we are with this new belief system. 200 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:42.480 And so what does that mean I'm not going to 201 00:13:42.559 --> 00:13:47.519 feel bad about losing my loved one? Well, yes and no, 202 00:13:48.559 --> 00:13:51.799 because I think what we do need to grieve, or 203 00:13:51.799 --> 00:13:57.320 at least process, is the fact that your life has 204 00:13:57.440 --> 00:14:00.840 changed when you lose someone, especially someone who's shared your 205 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:02.759 you know, big part of your life with you, like 206 00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:05.960 your home for example. So you lose a spouse and 207 00:14:06.039 --> 00:14:10.320 everything changes, you know, And as human beings, we're a 208 00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:13.519 little bit afraid, most of us, of the unknown, you know, 209 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:16.960 the uncertainty of what life is going to look like now, 210 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:21.879 and so you know, we're uncomfortable with that. And you know, 211 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:25.720 there are people who tell I know because they told 212 00:14:25.759 --> 00:14:29.080 me this and others I've spoken to who have lost 213 00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:31.320 a loved one. You know, there are people who will 214 00:14:31.360 --> 00:14:35.279 tell us keep yourself so busy that you don't have 215 00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:38.000 time to think or feel, you know, in order to 216 00:14:38.000 --> 00:14:42.919 avoid the pain of the loss. And I knew that 217 00:14:42.919 --> 00:14:46.240 that was bad advice, however well intended, so I ignored it. 218 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:50.000 What I did instead, and this worked really well for me, 219 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:52.720 and I think it can work really well for everyone 220 00:14:53.080 --> 00:14:56.360 who is in this position. So what you do. You 221 00:14:56.399 --> 00:15:00.960 don't expect to feel wonderful because of the uncertain and 222 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:04.440 you know, this person, even though they might still be around, 223 00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:07.360 this person you lost, they're not there in the way 224 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:10.799 they were. You have to process this. So what I 225 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:14.840 did and it worked so well, was I I created 226 00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:19.559 a balance between what I call activity and quiet time, 227 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:23.360 you know. So I started doing things immediately. Opportunities were 228 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:27.039 coming my way. I grasped them and thought, why not, 229 00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:29.440 you know, why not do some things that I've never 230 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:33.120 done before? And so I did them. You know, I 231 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:35.679 started singing, and it turned out I could sing, you know. 232 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:39.519 I auditioned for to be in a play at our 233 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:42.559 local playhouse. I'd never done that before. I reviewed theater 234 00:15:42.679 --> 00:15:45.360 for years but I'd never actually acted, you know, and 235 00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:48.159 all these things worked out really well. So I was 236 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:52.039 doing those things, but I also made sure that there 237 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:58.720 was that there was time to just sit or or read, 238 00:15:59.480 --> 00:16:03.360 or take a walk or a height so that I 239 00:16:03.399 --> 00:16:06.519 could process what had happened in my life, and over 240 00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:11.039 time I did. Now. One interesting thing I noticed through 241 00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:14.600 this process was that when I'd be out having fun, 242 00:16:14.679 --> 00:16:17.320 you know, lunch with a friend or going to karaoke 243 00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:20.399 or whatever it is I was doing that was fun 244 00:16:20.759 --> 00:16:25.080 and satisfying, I'd come home and I'd feel empty inside. 245 00:16:25.879 --> 00:16:29.639 And I realized that that was very likely due to 246 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:33.159 the fact that Sam wasn't here anymore to either do 247 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:35.440 the thing with me or to hear me tell them 248 00:16:35.480 --> 00:16:39.360 about it. When I got home, and I thought, Okay, 249 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.440 what this means is things are going to be good, 250 00:16:42.639 --> 00:16:45.039 but they're not going to be great, and they might 251 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:47.720 not be great for a long time to come. And 252 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:51.080 I realized I had no control over that aspect, so 253 00:16:51.279 --> 00:16:55.159 I just accepted it. So this is the way I 254 00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:58.759 proceeded on, and I don't think it came for me. 255 00:17:00.120 --> 00:17:05.240 I think God was leading me into this next chapter 256 00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:10.839 of life in a way that worked so beautifully for me, 257 00:17:11.880 --> 00:17:15.200 and it made me closer to this God that I 258 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:22.799 had just just begun believing in very strongly. And so, 259 00:17:23.319 --> 00:17:25.759 you know, here I was having this experience, it was 260 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:29.160 almost like like God was saying, you know what, thank 261 00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:33.079 you for coming so quickly to your faith in me. 262 00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:36.359 I'm going to do something for you, and I'm going 263 00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:43.880 to make this process as positive and inspiring as possible. 264 00:17:44.279 --> 00:17:46.319 And so, you know, here I sit, five and a 265 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:51.440 half years after sam past getting the message out. You know, 266 00:17:51.480 --> 00:17:56.240 I'm not a real selfless person because of some things 267 00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:00.599 that happened in my childhood that we need not get into. 268 00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:04.200 You know, I kind of found it necessary to grasp 269 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:07.759 for control and I became a little self involved, i think, 270 00:18:07.799 --> 00:18:10.400 growing up, you know, just to try and survive what 271 00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:16.160 was going on in my family. And so I'm not 272 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:18.400 a real selfless type, you know, and I've always felt 273 00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:21.920 a little guilty about that. You know, people are volunteering 274 00:18:21.960 --> 00:18:26.240 in the community and doing you know, for the homeless 275 00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:28.519 or for the hungry, or you know, whatever it is. 276 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:32.119 And you know, I'm here, I am writing books and 277 00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:37.839 you know, doing other things. Well. When I started, when 278 00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:43.559 I started going on various podcasts like your own Jahan. 279 00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:51.559 It was not something I necessarily wanted to do at first, 280 00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:56.480 but it felt so right because I thought, Wow, I've 281 00:18:56.480 --> 00:18:59.119 felt so guilty for so many years that I don't 282 00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:03.200 do anything to give back, and here I am. I 283 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:07.880 have found a way to give back. So here I 284 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:10.680 am in my retirement, you know, when I could be 285 00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:13.079 taking my dog on two or three walks a day 286 00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:16.519 instead of just one, you know, from getting on podcasts 287 00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:18.599 to try and get this message out because I just 288 00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:22.920 feel so strongly it can help others, and it feels 289 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:25.160 so good and right. The more I do it, the better, 290 00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:28.920 the better, the more right it seems. 291 00:19:29.160 --> 00:19:33.799 Yeah, I understand what you're saying completely and totally. When 292 00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:37.920 you were talking about processing it, that's the thing that 293 00:19:38.079 --> 00:19:42.759 keeps us all stuck in any situation, any weird emotion. 294 00:19:43.440 --> 00:19:46.039 We don't want to process it. And the longer you 295 00:19:46.119 --> 00:19:50.079 stay like that, the more it causes you pain. I 296 00:19:50.119 --> 00:19:54.000 was just telling someone else in relation to a different subject, 297 00:19:54.200 --> 00:19:57.920 that the conditioning that we receive on this planet is 298 00:19:58.559 --> 00:20:02.240 pretty much centered to dissociating from one thing or another. 299 00:20:03.079 --> 00:20:09.400 But there's no real insight or anything to be gained 300 00:20:10.359 --> 00:20:13.839 in just sitting around beating yourself over the head. Whenever 301 00:20:13.920 --> 00:20:16.400 you have any kind of tough situation that you have 302 00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:20.079 to deal with. Life is happening. You don't have a choice, 303 00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:24.839 and you could either sit there and cry about things 304 00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:29.640 at infinitum, or you can learn to process the things 305 00:20:29.680 --> 00:20:32.000 that are going on in your head, understand that it 306 00:20:32.079 --> 00:20:35.240 takes a long time, and just move on with what 307 00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:38.119 you have to do, because the rest of the world 308 00:20:38.200 --> 00:20:40.480 is not going to weigh on you to get over 309 00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:43.200 whatever is you have to get over. And granted, it's 310 00:20:43.240 --> 00:20:45.960 your right to get over in whatever time period you 311 00:20:46.039 --> 00:20:50.359 see fit, but it's not necessary to drag anything out. 312 00:20:50.680 --> 00:20:52.920 So I'm just wondering what tips you can give to 313 00:20:52.960 --> 00:20:55.839 anyone that feels like life is against them. 314 00:20:56.400 --> 00:21:00.559 That's a good one, you know. I think I think 315 00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:03.839 what you're describing as sort of a victim mentality, and 316 00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:06.640 I think a lot of people who suffer loss and 317 00:21:06.720 --> 00:21:14.960 adversity do feel like victims. And one thing is this 318 00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:20.440 is yet another of the insights that I was with 319 00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:24.440 which I was blessed after I wrote the book, and 320 00:21:24.480 --> 00:21:30.920 that that was that the God. Part of God's plan 321 00:21:31.240 --> 00:21:35.960 is to present us with challenges in order for us 322 00:21:36.039 --> 00:21:41.880 to learn lessons I'm fully convinced of this because I've 323 00:21:41.960 --> 00:21:48.400 noticed that if I finally stop resisting the lesson, God 324 00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:51.400 seems to move on to try and teach me something 325 00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:56.559 else rather than the same type of challenge over and 326 00:21:56.640 --> 00:22:00.319 over again. So, you know, my advice to people is, 327 00:22:00.640 --> 00:22:04.519 when you face adversity, whether it's something trivial or something 328 00:22:04.680 --> 00:22:11.119 truly you know, earth shattering, think about God's intended takeaway. 329 00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:15.759 What is he trying to teach me? And learn that lesson? 330 00:22:16.440 --> 00:22:18.559 And he won't stop trying to teach you lessons, but 331 00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:21.240 he might stop trying to teach you that one, So 332 00:22:21.559 --> 00:22:25.559 you know, it's yeah, yeah, So that's my best advice 333 00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:29.000 for people. You know, get out of the victim mentality. 334 00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:32.119 What am I supposed to learn from this? Yeah? 335 00:22:32.119 --> 00:22:34.519 That makes ask Yeah, I agree with you. You just 336 00:22:34.599 --> 00:22:38.720 have to get out of that feeling of being helpless 337 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:42.480 and get off of that hamster wheel that you can 338 00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:47.680 find yourself on. And you know, are there any other 339 00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:51.880 bits of insight that you would like to share that 340 00:22:52.359 --> 00:22:54.079 we can look forward to insight of the book. 341 00:22:54.519 --> 00:22:57.400 Well, the book isn't loaded with insights, to be honest. 342 00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:01.680 The book is more of a a It's more of 343 00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:09.240 an example of one woman's far more positive and optimistic 344 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:15.720 than expected experience of moving into the next chapter after 345 00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:18.240 losing the love of her life. That was me, of course, 346 00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:24.799 and that that's the book. The insights are all in 347 00:23:25.440 --> 00:23:33.680 three episode audio series that I that I recorded, because, 348 00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:35.519 as I said, most of the most of the best 349 00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:39.519 insights came to me after after I wrote the book. 350 00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:42.680 So those are free online and we can talk about 351 00:23:42.720 --> 00:23:45.119 that at the end. But I would like to tell 352 00:23:45.160 --> 00:23:47.880 you about some more of those insights that I had, 353 00:23:48.359 --> 00:23:51.279 because I think it's very helpful to people, if that's 354 00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:55.920 okay with you, Jehan. You know, they're described more fully 355 00:23:56.039 --> 00:24:02.440 in the audio episodes. But one of the things I 356 00:24:02.440 --> 00:24:13.400 think people people expect or not expect. I think we 357 00:24:13.519 --> 00:24:16.680 all have this idea and many of us, many of 358 00:24:16.759 --> 00:24:21.400 us believe that there's an ideal life in terms of relationships, 359 00:24:21.440 --> 00:24:25.839 and that is you meet someone, let's say, in your twenties, 360 00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:29.440 you get married, and you both live into your eighties 361 00:24:29.519 --> 00:24:32.559 or nineties, you know, having been married to the same 362 00:24:32.680 --> 00:24:38.680 person for you know, six or seventy years, and that's 363 00:24:38.799 --> 00:24:44.880 the ideal I thought that, you know, and what occurred 364 00:24:44.920 --> 00:24:48.000 to me, this is such a good insight and I 365 00:24:48.039 --> 00:24:51.039 don't take credit for any of these insights were These 366 00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:54.279 were insights with which I was blessed by God. You know, 367 00:24:54.359 --> 00:24:57.480 I'm not that good, so you know these came to me. 368 00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:02.920 It's almost like I'm the messenger about the ideal life 369 00:25:02.920 --> 00:25:10.880 that I just described. It occurred to me that that 370 00:25:11.079 --> 00:25:15.880 is one one way some people spend their lives. But 371 00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:21.200 who's to say that a life that's lived more in 372 00:25:21.359 --> 00:25:28.640 chapters or segments isn't just just as valuable, just as ideal, 373 00:25:29.759 --> 00:25:35.359 maybe even better, because maybe there's more opportunity if if 374 00:25:35.400 --> 00:25:40.319 you live your life in chapters, maybe maybe two or 375 00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:45.319 three of those chapters with different in relationship with different people. 376 00:25:46.279 --> 00:25:48.920 You know, maybe you get married twice or three times, 377 00:25:49.079 --> 00:25:52.839 or you know you're or you're in a significant relationship 378 00:25:53.640 --> 00:25:57.200 in one of these chapters. You know, who's to say 379 00:25:57.240 --> 00:26:02.440 that isn't equally ideal to being married to one person 380 00:26:02.559 --> 00:26:05.279 you know, for sixty or seventy years. You know, we 381 00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:08.000 make that assumption, but I'm not sure why we do. 382 00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:14.680 And I think it's so important to understand that if 383 00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:20.240 if you wind up divorcing, or if your loved wine 384 00:26:20.279 --> 00:26:26.240 your spouse passes away in their forties or fifties instead 385 00:26:26.240 --> 00:26:29.480 of in their eighties or nineties. And now you're faced 386 00:26:29.480 --> 00:26:33.319 with another chapter that you don't feel like you've failed 387 00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:39.759 to live out that ideal life, because there is no 388 00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:44.599 ideal life, and it's so freeing to realize that you 389 00:26:44.759 --> 00:26:48.079 haven't failed. If you divorce, or if your loved one 390 00:26:48.200 --> 00:26:53.519 passes away far earlier than expected, it just means that 391 00:26:53.559 --> 00:26:56.480 you were meant to do something else, and you may 392 00:26:56.519 --> 00:26:59.640 as well enter that new chapter of life as soon 393 00:26:59.680 --> 00:27:03.880 as possible and get going with it and see what wonderful, 394 00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:09.720 exciting and inspiring things might happen. And they will. So 395 00:27:09.880 --> 00:27:13.400 that's one one thing that occurred to me. I call 396 00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:17.440 it one of the insights that was so great because 397 00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:24.880 of how freeing it was. Another thing was if with 398 00:27:25.039 --> 00:27:31.200 the afterlife is so beautiful, and as so many people 399 00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:35.759 who have had near death experiences have related, if it's so, 400 00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:39.079 if there's a love there that is so powerful that 401 00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:44.400