WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:03.839 What if the reason people don't take you seriously has 2 00:00:03.919 --> 00:00:07.879 nothing to do with what you say. This audio book 3 00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:12.919 reveals the silent signals that decide how much respect you're given, 4 00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:17.559 long before you ever open your mouth. Master them, and 5 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:21.160 you'll never need to prove yourself again. Start listening. Now, 6 00:00:21.800 --> 00:00:24.280 think back to the last room you walked into where 7 00:00:24.359 --> 00:00:31.079 you didn't know everyone. A meeting, a party, an office, 8 00:00:31.640 --> 00:00:35.240 a waiting area. Somewhere in that room there was a 9 00:00:35.240 --> 00:00:38.960 person who talked more than any one else. They filled 10 00:00:39.079 --> 00:00:43.600 every pause, They laughed the loudest at their own jokes. 11 00:00:44.119 --> 00:00:48.679 They worked the room, shook the hands, made sure everybody 12 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:52.000 knew their name. And somewhere else in that same room, 13 00:00:52.039 --> 00:00:57.640 there was another person who said almost nothing. They arrived quietly, 14 00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:03.799 they stood without fidget they listened more than they spoke, 15 00:01:04.439 --> 00:01:07.680 and when they did speak, it was brief and people 16 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:11.239 leaned in to catch it. Now, be honest with yourself. 17 00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:15.239 Which of those two people did you find yourself watching? 18 00:01:16.040 --> 00:01:20.120 Which one made you slightly nervous, Which one, if you 19 00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:23.200 had to guess, seemed like they were used to being 20 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:27.359 in charge. It's almost never the loud one, and that 21 00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:32.040 fact should stop you in your tracks, because everything you 22 00:01:32.120 --> 00:01:37.519 have ever been taught about confidence points in the opposite direction. 23 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:43.400 You've been told to speak up, to network, to make 24 00:01:43.480 --> 00:01:48.040 yourself heard, to sell yourself, and none of that is 25 00:01:48.359 --> 00:01:51.640 entirely wrong, but it has left out the thing that 26 00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:56.120 actually determines whether people respect you. And the thing it 27 00:01:56.239 --> 00:01:59.760 left out is this. Respect is not given for what 28 00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:04.239 you say. Respect is given for what you signal. And 29 00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:11.599 people read those signals in seconds, silently, automatically, and almost 30 00:02:11.800 --> 00:02:15.800 always before you've said a word. This is the part 31 00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:21.199 of human interaction. Nobody teaches you. There's a judgment happening 32 00:02:21.400 --> 00:02:27.000 in every room you enter, running underneath the conversation, invisible 33 00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:31.919 and constant. People are deciding how seriously to take you, 34 00:02:32.919 --> 00:02:36.360 how much space to give you, whether to interrupt you, 35 00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:40.319 whether to look to you when something goes wrong, and 36 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:44.319 they're deciding it based on evidence. You're broadcasting without knowing it. 37 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:48.800 The way you enter a space, what your hands do 38 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:54.800 when you're not using them, how fast you move, where 39 00:02:54.840 --> 00:02:59.199 your eyes go when someone challenges you, how comfortable you 40 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:03.039 are when nobody is speaking. If you have ever walked 41 00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:06.199 out of a conversation replaying it, wondering why you weren't 42 00:03:06.240 --> 00:03:09.840 taken seriously wondering why the person with worse ideas got 43 00:03:09.919 --> 00:03:12.960 listened to and you didn't. This is why it wasn't 44 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:17.759 your argument, It was everything happening around your argument. Here's 45 00:03:17.800 --> 00:03:22.199 the part that changes things. Every one of those signals 46 00:03:22.800 --> 00:03:26.719 is learnable not as a trick, not as a performance, 47 00:03:26.919 --> 00:03:30.120 but as a genuine change in how you carry yourself, 48 00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:34.360 which produces a genuine change in how the world responds 49 00:03:34.439 --> 00:03:37.960 to you. And the strangest thing about it, the thing 50 00:03:38.039 --> 00:03:42.479 that surprises almost everyone, is that the signals of real 51 00:03:42.560 --> 00:03:47.000 authority are quiet ones. They're not big, they're not loud, 52 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:54.439 they're not impressive. They are small, still, unhurried, and almost 53 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:59.680 invisible until you know what you're looking at. Loud confidence 54 00:03:59.840 --> 00:04:06.199 are asks for respect. Quiet confidence makes asking unnecessary. Let 55 00:04:06.199 --> 00:04:09.400 me tell you what this audio book is not. It 56 00:04:09.479 --> 00:04:13.039 is not a collection of dominance tricks. It is not 57 00:04:13.120 --> 00:04:17.800 about crushing handshakes or staring people down, or standing with 58 00:04:17.879 --> 00:04:22.279 your legs apart to feel powerful. That entire school of 59 00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:26.560 advice fails for a reason we'll examine closely, and the 60 00:04:26.680 --> 00:04:32.079 reason is that it's still a performance, and performances are 61 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:38.560 always detected. This is also not about becoming cold silent 62 00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:43.720 or unfriendly. Some of the most quietly powerful people you 63 00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:48.800 will ever meet are warm. They are kind, They are 64 00:04:48.879 --> 00:04:53.000 easy to be around. What they are not is needy. 65 00:04:53.720 --> 00:04:56.439 That word is going to come up again and again 66 00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:02.240 because it sits at the center of Neediness is the 67 00:05:02.279 --> 00:05:07.040 single thing that destroys respect faster than anything else, and 68 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:11.319 it leaks out of people through a hundred tiny channels 69 00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:15.839 they don't control. Remove the need and the signals correct 70 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:20.560 themselves almost automatically. If you've spent any time learning to 71 00:05:20.680 --> 00:05:25.920 read other people, to decode their body language, to notice 72 00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.920 what their posture and their pauses are telling you, then 73 00:05:29.959 --> 00:05:34.639 you already have half of this skill. This is the 74 00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:38.959 other half. Not how to read the room, but how 75 00:05:39.000 --> 00:05:43.000 the room reads you. Not what you see in others, 76 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:47.360 but what others see in you in the two seconds 77 00:05:47.399 --> 00:05:51.800 before you speak. So here's the challenge. By the time 78 00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.000 you finish listening, you should be able to walk into 79 00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:59.040 any room, say nothing at all, and still be treated 80 00:05:59.079 --> 00:06:04.519 as someone worth taking seriously. Not because you performed, not 81 00:06:04.680 --> 00:06:09.040 because you dominated, but because everything about the way you 82 00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:15.120 occupy space told the truth, and the truth was that 83 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:19.240 you don't need anything from anyone here. That's a very 84 00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:24.759 different way to move through the world. Let's begin chapter one, 85 00:06:25.040 --> 00:06:29.879 the seven seconds that decide everything. Before you have finished 86 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:33.680 walking into a room, the decision has already been made. 87 00:06:34.279 --> 00:06:38.759 That's not a figure of speech, and it's not motivational exaggeration. 88 00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:43.959 It's one of the most consistently replicated findings in social psychology, 89 00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:48.480 and once you understand the mechanics of it, you will 90 00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:54.040 never think about first impressions the same way again. Researchers 91 00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:57.720 have run a particular kind of experiment many times over. 92 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:01.279 They take video footage of peace people, strip out the 93 00:07:01.319 --> 00:07:05.319 sound entirely so no words can be heard, cut it 94 00:07:05.399 --> 00:07:09.000 down to just a few seconds, and show those silent 95 00:07:09.079 --> 00:07:12.879 clips to strangers who know nothing about the person on screen. 96 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.680 Then they ask those strangers to rate what they saw. 97 00:07:17.720 --> 00:07:24.279 How competent does this person seem, How confident? How trustworthy 98 00:07:24.879 --> 00:07:30.000 would you follow this person? Would you hire them? The strangers, 99 00:07:30.399 --> 00:07:34.399 working from two or three seconds of silent video, produce 100 00:07:34.519 --> 00:07:38.040 ratings that turn out to predict real world outcomes with 101 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:43.279 startling accuracy. Ratings that match how that person's colleagues evaluate 102 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:47.360 them after months of working together, Ratings that predict how 103 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:49.959 their students score them at the end of an entire 104 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:54.800 semester from a few seconds with the sound off. Sit 105 00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:58.720 with that the people in those clips had spent months 106 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:06.920 building relationships, demonstrating their knowledge, proving themselves through their actual work, 107 00:08:07.639 --> 00:08:10.800 and a stranger watching them silently for the length of 108 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:16.639 a deep breath arrived at essentially the same conclusion. Other 109 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:20.879 research pushes it further still. When people are shown a 110 00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:23.839 face for a tenth of a second, less time than 111 00:08:23.879 --> 00:08:29.040 it takes to blink, they form judgments about trustworthiness and competence, 112 00:08:29.759 --> 00:08:33.000 And when you give them more time to look, their 113 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:38.600 opinion doesn't usually change. It just gets more confident. The 114 00:08:38.759 --> 00:08:43.279 extra time doesn't produce a better judgment, it produces a 115 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:47.600 more certain one. This is the machinery you're dealing with. 116 00:08:48.600 --> 00:08:52.840 It's not fair, it's not rational. It's not something you 117 00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:56.240 can opt out of by deciding that people should judge 118 00:08:56.240 --> 00:09:02.080 you on your merits. It's older than you, older than language, 119 00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:06.600 and it's running in every person you will ever meet. 120 00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:10.559 To understand why it exists, you have to think about 121 00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:14.399 what your ancestors needed to do. When a stranger appeared. 122 00:09:15.200 --> 00:09:18.759 There was no time for a conversation, There was no 123 00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:23.200 interview process, a stranger walked over the ridge, and you 124 00:09:23.240 --> 00:09:26.799 had a moment to determine three things. Is this a 125 00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:30.720 threat to me? Where does this person sit relative to me? 126 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:34.320 Are they likely to help me? Or take from me? 127 00:09:35.000 --> 00:09:37.919 Every One who was slow at answering those questions was 128 00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:41.519 removed from the gene pool. Every One who answered them 129 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:46.759 fast enough survived to become your great great great grand parent. 130 00:09:47.519 --> 00:09:52.840 So you inherited a fast, crude, tireless machine for evaluating strangers. 131 00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:57.360 And it never turned off. It just moved indoors into 132 00:09:57.440 --> 00:10:01.399 meeting rooms and coffee shops and job interviews use where 133 00:10:01.399 --> 00:10:05.039 it makes the same ancient judgments about a person in 134 00:10:05.080 --> 00:10:08.399 a blazer that it once made about a person on 135 00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:13.000 a ridge. Now Here is what makes this urgent rather 136 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:19.159 than merely interesting. That first judgment doesn't sit quietly and 137 00:10:19.399 --> 00:10:25.600 wait to be corrected. It actively defends itself. Once someone 138 00:10:25.600 --> 00:10:30.399 has decided you're not particularly impressive, their brain begins collecting 139 00:10:30.480 --> 00:10:35.200 evidence for that conclusion and quietly discarding evidence against it. 140 00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:38.399 You make a good point, and it registers as a 141 00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:42.399 lucky guess. You make a weak one, and it confirms 142 00:10:42.480 --> 00:10:47.399 what they already suspected. You're quiet, and it reads as 143 00:10:47.480 --> 00:10:51.320 having nothing to contribute, the same silence from the person 144 00:10:51.360 --> 00:10:56.639 they marked as impressive reads as thoughtfulness. It's the same behavior, 145 00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:01.080 it's the same room. It's just being filtered through a 146 00:11:01.120 --> 00:11:04.600 conclusion that was reached before you opened your mouth. This 147 00:11:04.840 --> 00:11:08.600 is why so many people feel like they're constantly working 148 00:11:08.759 --> 00:11:13.559 uphill in their careers, in their friendships, in their families. 149 00:11:14.440 --> 00:11:18.480 They are. They're spending all their energy trying to argue 150 00:11:18.519 --> 00:11:21.600 their way out of a verdict that was never delivered 151 00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:25.639 in words and therefore can't be answered in words. So 152 00:11:25.879 --> 00:11:30.159 what exactly is being evaluated in those seconds? If not 153 00:11:30.279 --> 00:11:36.440 what you're saying? Three things running simultaneously. The first is threat, 154 00:11:37.360 --> 00:11:42.799 not physical danger in most settings, emotional threat. Is this 155 00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:46.799 person going to make this interaction difficult? Are they going 156 00:11:46.840 --> 00:11:50.320 to demand something from me? Are they going to be exhausting? 157 00:11:51.240 --> 00:11:56.600 Your nervous system is very good at detecting other people's 158 00:11:56.600 --> 00:12:00.960 nervous systems, and an agitated one is read as a 159 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:06.759 problem approaching. The second is status Where does this person sit? 160 00:12:07.559 --> 00:12:12.159 And status is signaled almost entirely through comfort, not through wealth, 161 00:12:12.559 --> 00:12:16.159 not through volume, not through titles, through how at ease 162 00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:19.000 a person appears to be in the space they're occupying. 163 00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:23.080 The person who seems most comfortable in a room is 164 00:12:23.240 --> 00:12:27.039 read as the person who most belongs there, and the 165 00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:30.720 person who most belongs there is read as the person 166 00:12:30.840 --> 00:12:35.080 with the most standing. Watch this at any event and 167 00:12:35.159 --> 00:12:40.440 you'll see it operating with almost mechanical reliability. The third 168 00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:45.000 is warmth is this person for me or against me? 169 00:12:45.759 --> 00:12:49.039 And this is where the dominance based advice breaks down badly, 170 00:12:49.799 --> 00:12:54.519 because it optimizes only for the second question and fails 171 00:12:54.600 --> 00:12:58.639 the third completely. Being read as high status, but cold 172 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:05.039 gets you feared, avoided and undermined. Being read as high 173 00:13:05.080 --> 00:13:10.799 status and warm gets you respected. And there's an enormous 174 00:13:10.840 --> 00:13:16.879 difference between the two. Now the signals what is your 175 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:22.879 body actually broadcasting? While all of this is being assessed? 176 00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:29.759 How you enter? Most people enter a room apologetically. There's 177 00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:34.559 a hesitation at the threshold, a scan for permission, a 178 00:13:34.679 --> 00:13:39.919 slight shrinking of the frame. It lasts less than a second, 179 00:13:40.320 --> 00:13:43.840 and it's read by every one present. How you occupy 180 00:13:44.799 --> 00:13:48.639 Once you've stopped moving, what do you do? Where do 181 00:13:48.759 --> 00:13:53.639 your hands go? Do you cross yourself, hold something in 182 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:57.519 front of your chest, put your back to a wall. 183 00:13:58.200 --> 00:14:04.200 The unconscious mind reads self protection instantly how fast you move. 184 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:08.799 Speed is the single most reliable indicator of internal state 185 00:14:08.879 --> 00:14:13.960 that exists. We'll spend a whole chapter on this because 186 00:14:14.039 --> 00:14:18.360 it might be the most useful thing in the entire book. 187 00:14:19.080 --> 00:14:24.440 Where your eyes go, whether they rest or search, whether 188 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:28.080 they land on people or slide off them, And what 189 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:31.679 your face does when nothing is happening. This is the 190 00:14:31.720 --> 00:14:35.279 one nobody thinks about. Your face at rest in the 191 00:14:35.320 --> 00:14:40.679 gaps between interactions, is being watched, and it's telling people 192 00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:44.360 whether you're at ease in your own skin. None of 193 00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:50.159 that requires a word. All of it is happening before 194 00:14:50.279 --> 00:14:55.519 your first sentence, which brings us to the reframe that 195 00:14:55.600 --> 00:15:00.480 this entire audiobook rests on. You have been prepared for 196 00:15:00.519 --> 00:15:05.559 the wrong moment. You've been rehearsing what to say, refining 197 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:10.879 your points, planning your opening line, and meanwhile, the moment 198 00:15:10.919 --> 00:15:14.159 that actually determines your outcome is the one just before that, 199 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:17.960 the one you never thought to prepare for at all. 200 00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:21.480 The good news is that a moment you've never prepared 201 00:15:21.519 --> 00:15:26.200 for is a moment with enormous room for improvement. Most 202 00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:31.080 people will go their entire lives without ever consciously working 203 00:15:31.159 --> 00:15:35.360 on it. You're about to and the gap that opens 204 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:39.159 between you and everyone who doesn't is going to be 205 00:15:39.320 --> 00:15:45.639 much wider than seems reasonable. Chapter two, Why loud confidence 206 00:15:46.120 --> 00:15:50.360 always fails. There's a specific kind of person you've met 207 00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:55.679 many times. He walks in and immediately begins working the room. 208 00:15:56.639 --> 00:16:01.159 He speaks a little louder than the conversation require. He 209 00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:04.600 has a story ready for every topic and finds a 210 00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:08.120 way to mention where he's worked and who he knows. 211 00:16:08.639 --> 00:16:11.600 He gives a handshake that's making a point. He laughs 212 00:16:11.639 --> 00:16:14.440 at his own jokes a half second before anyone else 213 00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:18.039 can decide whether to, and everyone in the room, without 214 00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:21.879 discussing it, arrives at the same private conclusion about him. 215 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:27.639 He's compensating. Nobody says it aloud, Nobody could necessarily explain 216 00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:32.360 the exact evidence they used, but it's understood, and the 217 00:16:32.399 --> 00:16:36.799 tragedy of this person is that he genuinely believes its working. 218 00:16:37.799 --> 00:16:41.519 He walks out thinking he owned that room, having no 219 00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:44.639 idea that the room read him accurately within the first 220 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:48.360 thirty seconds and has been politely managing him ever since. 221 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:53.960 Understanding exactly why this fails is essential, because the failure 222 00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:58.279 isn't in the volume. It's in the logic underneath it, 223 00:16:58.919 --> 00:17:01.919 and that same logic might be running in you in 224 00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:07.680 much subtler forms. Here's the principle. Every behavior you produce 225 00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:11.319 is an implicit statement about what you believe your own 226 00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:15.519 value to be, not what you say about yourself. What 227 00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:21.359 your behavior assumes. When you speak louder than necessary, the 228 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:25.880 behavior assumes you won't be heard otherwise. When you explain 229 00:17:25.960 --> 00:17:31.200 your credentials unprompted, it assumes they wouldn't be recognized otherwise. 230 00:17:31.880 --> 00:17:34.559 When you rush to fill a silence, it assumes your 231 00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:38.079 presence isn't enough to justify the space you're taking. When 232 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:42.240 you crush someone's hand, it assumes that without the pressure, 233 00:17:43.240 --> 00:17:46.559 you'd be overlooked. Every one of those is a bid, 234 00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:51.839 and a bid is a request, and a request reveals 235 00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:56.119 that you don't already have the thing you're requesting. This 236 00:17:56.400 --> 00:18:00.559 is the mechanism, and it's worth stating as plainly as possible. 237 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:06.240 Effort to be respected is itself evidence that you are 238 00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:11.359 not think about how this works everywhere else in life. 239 00:18:11.480 --> 00:18:15.119 The person who tells you they're honest, the company that 240 00:18:15.240 --> 00:18:19.799 puts the word trusted in its advertising, the person who 241 00:18:19.880 --> 00:18:25.559 insists they're not angry in every case, the assertion undermines itself. 242 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:31.200 Because a thing that's genuinely true doesn't require announcement. It 243 00:18:31.240 --> 00:18:36.720 gets demonstrated by simply existing. Status works exactly the same way. 244 00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:43.880 Someone with genuine authority doesn't perform authority because performing it 245 00:18:43.880 --> 00:18:47.440 would imply that it might be in doubt, and it isn't. 246 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:54.920 So the behavior of real authority looks strangely, understated, unhurried, 247 00:18:55.799 --> 00:19:01.400 even a little boring. It doesn't reach for anything. You've 248 00:19:01.400 --> 00:19:06.400 seen this. Watch a surgeon in a hospital corridor, Watch 249 00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:10.759 a senior partner in a room full of associates, Watch 250 00:19:10.839 --> 00:19:15.519 anyone whose position is genuinely secure. They are the calmest 251 00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:19.200 person present. They don't rush to prove they know something. 252 00:19:20.079 --> 00:19:24.680 They're comfortable saying they don't know. They let silences last. 253 00:19:25.359 --> 00:19:28.559 They don't need the room's attention, because it's already theirs 254 00:19:28.599 --> 00:19:33.440 and always has been, and the not needing is exactly 255 00:19:33.480 --> 00:19:36.799 what makes it so. The people below them, the ones 256 00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:41.000 still climbing and still uncertain, are the ones talking most. 257 00:19:41.480 --> 00:19:46.480 This produces a paradox that traps almost everyone. The harder 258 00:19:46.519 --> 00:19:50.160 you work to be respected, the less respected you become. 259 00:19:50.920 --> 00:19:56.039 And because the results are disappointing, most people conclude they 260 00:19:56.119 --> 00:20:02.559 haven't tried hard enough, so they push harder, they speak more, 261 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:09.480 they prove more aggressively, and they accelerate in exactly the 262 00:20:09.519 --> 00:20:14.720 wrong direction, getting further from the outcome with every additional 263 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.839 unit of effort. The way out isn't to try harder 264 00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:23.759 or to try softer. It's to stop treating respect as 265 00:20:23.799 --> 00:20:27.799 something you extract from people through performance and start treating 266 00:20:27.839 --> 00:20:32.319 it as something that follows automatically from a particular internal condition. 267 00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:38.720 Change the condition and the behavior corrects itself. Manage the 268 00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:43.039 behavior while the condition stays broken, and you're just building 269 00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:47.759 a better mask which people will see through anyway, because 270 00:20:47.839 --> 00:20:52.720 incongruence is the one thing human beings detect most reliably 271 00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:56.319 of all. Now let's make this personal, because it's easy 272 00:20:56.359 --> 00:20:59.200 to hear all this and picture the loud guy and 273 00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:04.200 feel comfortable superior to him. Loud confidence is only the 274 00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:07.519 most visible version. There are quieter ones, and you may 275 00:21:07.559 --> 00:21:12.599 recognize yourself in these. The over explainer making a point, 276 00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:18.119 then adding a justification, then adding another, then explaining the 277 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:23.920 reasoning behind the justification. Each addition is a bid for approval. 278 00:21:24.559 --> 00:21:28.720 Each one reduces the weight of the original point. Confident 279 00:21:28.839 --> 00:21:35.759 statements are short and they're followed by nothing. The apologizer, Sorry, 280 00:21:36.400 --> 00:21:40.559 can I just sorry to interrupt? Sorry, this is probably 281 00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:44.640 a stupid question. The word is being used as a 282 00:21:44.680 --> 00:21:48.880 toll payment for the right to speak. Everyone hears the 283 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:54.279 toll being paid. The credential dropper, not the loud version, 284 00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.400 the elegant version, the story that just happens to establish 285 00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:03.079 where you've been in positions so smoothly you could almost 286 00:22:03.119 --> 00:22:07.599 believe it was relevant. The self deprecator beating the room 287 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:10.839 to the criticism so that nobody else gets there first. 288 00:22:11.759 --> 00:22:16.799 It feels like humility. It functions as a preemptive apology 289 00:22:16.880 --> 00:22:22.279 for existing. The over agreer nodding before the sentence has finished, 290 00:22:23.039 --> 00:22:27.160 agreeing at a speed that makes clear you haven't evaluated 291 00:22:27.200 --> 00:22:31.200 the thing you're agreeing with. It reads as low standing instantly, 292 00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:34.279 and it's one of the most common tells there is. 293 00:22:35.079 --> 00:22:38.279 Every one of these has the identical structure as the 294 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:44.200 loud man's handshake. Something is being requested, and every request 295 00:22:44.680 --> 00:22:48.240 tells the room what you believe about yourself. So here's 296 00:22:48.279 --> 00:22:51.240 the question to sit with before the next chapter, because 297 00:22:51.240 --> 00:22:54.720 it leads directly into it. If all of these behaviors 298 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:58.119 are downstream of one thing. What is the one thing? 299 00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:04.119 It's not low self esteem exactly. It's more specific and 300 00:23:04.240 --> 00:23:07.799 more useful than that. It's the presence of a need 301 00:23:08.680 --> 00:23:13.240 in the moment, directed at the person in front of you, 302 00:23:13.920 --> 00:23:16.200 and it has a name, and it leaks out of 303 00:23:16.200 --> 00:23:19.279 people in ways they would be genuinely shocked to see 304 00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:23.240 chapter three, the neediness leak. If you could only fix 305 00:23:23.279 --> 00:23:27.519 one thing about how you come across and everything else 306 00:23:28.440 --> 00:23:33.000 had to stay exactly as it is, this would be it. 307 00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:39.039 Nothing else is close. Neediness is the state of requiring 308 00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:42.559 something from the person in front of you, not something 309 00:23:42.680 --> 00:23:49.519 practical like information or a signature, something emotional, their approval, 310 00:23:50.359 --> 00:23:55.960 their reassurance, their liking, their attention, the confirmation that you're 311 00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.960 doing fine and that they don't think badly of you. 312 00:23:59.640 --> 00:24:02.799 And the reason this matters more than any other factor 313 00:24:03.240 --> 00:24:07.680 is that it cannot be concealed. You can control your posture, 314 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:12.480 you can control your volume, you can rehearse your words, 315 00:24:13.240 --> 00:24:17.599 you cannot control the hundred microbehaviors through which need escapes 316 00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:20.960 because they are produced by a part of your nervous 317 00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:25.599 system that operates faster than your conscious mind and doesn't 318 00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:29.519 consult it. So it leaks, and people read the leak 319 00:24:29.599 --> 00:24:32.839 without knowing they're reading it. They just come away with 320 00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:36.480 a feeling about you, and the feeling is that something 321 00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:40.440 wasn't quite solid. Let's look at exactly how it escapes. 322 00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:44.640 Because you almost certainly do at least three of these 323 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:50.000 and have never once noticed the check. You finish saying 324 00:24:50.079 --> 00:24:53.160 something and your eyes flick to the listener's face to 325 00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:56.880 see how it landed. It takes a fraction of a second. 326 00:24:57.720 --> 00:25:03.759 It's completely involuntary, and it broadcasts unmistakably that you were 327 00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:07.359 unsure whether you should have said it. A person who 328 00:25:07.400 --> 00:25:12.480 is settled says the thing and then simply waits. They 329 00:25:12.480 --> 00:25:17.160 don't order the reaction because the reaction doesn't change whether 330 00:25:17.160 --> 00:25:21.960 the thing was worth saying. The extra laugh not laughing 331 00:25:21.960 --> 00:25:26.799 at something funny, laughing slightly after the funny thing has passed, 332 00:25:27.559 --> 00:25:30.960 or laughing at something that wasn't funny at all, or 333 00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:35.400 continuing a laugh past its natural end. That extra portion 334 00:25:35.720 --> 00:25:40.279 is not amusement. It's an offering. Every One can hear 335 00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:43.440 the difference between a laugh that happened and a laugh 336 00:25:43.480 --> 00:25:48.160 that was given the trailing sentence. You start with a 337 00:25:48.240 --> 00:25:53.559 clear statement and it dissolves at the end, the volume drops, 338 00:25:54.400 --> 00:25:59.000 the pitch rises. It becomes a question you didn't intend 339 00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:03.319 to ask. What that pattern communicates is that part way 340 00:26:03.319 --> 00:26:06.720 through the sentence you lost confidence in your right to 341 00:26:06.759 --> 00:26:11.319 be saying it. The speed nod nodding rapidly while someone 342 00:26:11.359 --> 00:26:17.279 is still talking faster than comprehension could possibly justify. It 343 00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:23.680 looks like engagement. It reads as submission because it says 344 00:26:24.720 --> 00:26:28.559 you've agreed in advance in order to stay safe. The 345 00:26:28.680 --> 00:26:34.839 overthanking thanking someone repeatedly for something ordinary, thanking a person 346 00:26:34.920 --> 00:26:39.680 for their time as though their time is worth more 347 00:26:40.519 --> 00:26:45.359 than yours. It's a small thing, and it establishes a 348 00:26:45.480 --> 00:26:52.519 hierarchy in one sentence. The gap filler. Someone doesn't respond immediately, 349 00:26:53.480 --> 00:26:59.079 so you jump in and add something, rephrase your point, 350 00:26:59.400 --> 00:27:04.039 soften it, offer them an easy way out. The silence 351 00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:10.319 became intolerable, and it became intolerable because you needed a 352 00:27:10.440 --> 00:27:17.079 response and weren't getting one. The preemptive discount. This might 353 00:27:17.240 --> 00:27:23.640 be wrong, but I'm not an expert, but this is 354 00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:29.279 probably obvious. But you've marked down your own idea before 355 00:27:29.279 --> 00:27:33.240 presenting it, so that if it's rejected, you can pretend 356 00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:36.720 you weren't fully behind it anyway, The room hears the 357 00:27:36.759 --> 00:27:42.400 discount and prices your idea accordingly. Read those again and 358 00:27:42.480 --> 00:27:46.640 notice that they have nothing to do with shyness. Extremely 359 00:27:46.680 --> 00:27:50.759 outgoing people leak constantly. The loud man from the last 360 00:27:50.839 --> 00:27:58.480 chapter is leaking with every sentence. Neediness isn't quietness, it's requiring. Now, 361 00:27:59.400 --> 00:28:04.240 why does the repel people so reliably, even people who 362 00:28:04.480 --> 00:28:09.119 like you and want good things for you? Two reasons, 363 00:28:10.160 --> 00:28:16.200 and they're both worth understanding properly. The first is wait, 364 00:28:16.759 --> 00:28:20.960 when you need something emotional from someone, you have quietly 365 00:28:21.079 --> 00:28:26.240 transferred responsibility for your internal state onto them. They now 366 00:28:26.240 --> 00:28:29.519 have a job they didn't apply for. They have to 367 00:28:29.559 --> 00:28:35.759 reassure you, respond correctly, manage how you'll feel about their reaction. 368 00:28:36.680 --> 00:28:42.079 Most people don't notice this consciously. They just noticed that 369 00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:45.680 the interaction was slightly tiring and that they don't especially 370 00:28:45.759 --> 00:28:49.400 want another one soon. Being around someone who needs nothing 371 00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:53.440 is RESTful. Being around someone who needs something is work. 372 00:28:54.119 --> 00:29:00.599 The second reason is more basic. Need signals scarcity, and 373 00:29:00.720 --> 00:29:06.720 scarcity signals low value. If you need this person's approval, 374 00:29:07.319 --> 00:29:10.839 the implication is that approval is rare in your life. 375 00:29:11.559 --> 00:29:16.640 If it were abundant, this particular instance wouldn't matter much, 376 00:29:17.440 --> 00:29:22.440 So neediness quietly announces that you're not valued elsewhere, and 377 00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:27.759 human beings are relentlessly efficient at using other people's valuations 378 00:29:28.240 --> 00:29:31.559 as a short cut for their own, which produces the 379 00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:35.640 cruelest loop in all of social life. The more you 380 00:29:35.720 --> 00:29:39.799 need respect, the more clearly you signal that you don't 381 00:29:39.839 --> 00:29:43.359 have it, which is precisely why you don't get it, 382 00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:47.680 and every attempt to fix it from the outside makes 383 00:29:47.720 --> 00:29:51.200 the signal louder. So how do you find your own leaks? 384 00:29:51.960 --> 00:29:56.359 Not by watching yourself in ordinary conversation, because in comfortable 385 00:29:56.400 --> 00:30:00.119 settings the need mostly isn't there. You have to look 386 00:30:00.119 --> 00:30:04.960 at the moments when it is. Notice yourself immediately after 387 00:30:05.000 --> 00:30:09.839 you say something in a group where you feel slightly outranked. 388 00:30:10.720 --> 00:30:14.359 What did your eyes do? Notice yourself sending a message 389 00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:18.799 to someone you want something from, read it back? How 390 00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:23.119 many softeners are in it? How many exclamation marks are 391 00:30:23.160 --> 00:30:28.200 doing emotional labor? How many times did you apologize for 392 00:30:28.319 --> 00:30:32.880 the ask? Notice yourself in the two seconds after you've 393 00:30:32.920 --> 00:30:37.400 made a request and before the answer arrives. Did you 394 00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:41.200 fill that gap? Did you start offering ways for them 395 00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:45.759 to say no comfortably? Notice your body when someone disagrees 396 00:30:45.799 --> 00:30:49.119 with you in front of other people, did something in 397 00:30:49.160 --> 00:30:52.960 you shrink? And did it happen before you had time 398 00:30:53.039 --> 00:31:00.440 to think? Those moments are your data, not your best conversations, 399 00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:05.480 the ones with a little heat in them. Now the 400 00:31:05.559 --> 00:31:10.640 mistake almost everyone makes at this point. Having identified the leaks, 401 00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:15.799