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Speaker 1: Reginald's Christmas revel by Saki. They say, said Reginald, that

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there's nothing sadder than victory except defeat. If you've ever

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stayed with dull people during what is alleged to be

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the festive season, you can probably revise that saying, I

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shall never forget putting in a Christmas at the Babwalds.

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Missus Babwald is some relation of my father's, a sort

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of to be left till called for a cousin, and

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that was considered sufficient reason for my having to accept

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her invitation at about the sixth time of asking though,

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why the sins of the father should be visited by

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the children. You won't find any notepaper in that drawer.

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That's where I keep old menus in first night programs.

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Missus Babwald wears a rather solemn personality and has never

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been known to smile, even when saying disagreeable things to

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her friends or making out the stores list. She takes

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her pleasures sadly. A state elephant at a d'urbar gives

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one a very similar impression. Our husband gardens in all weathers.

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When a man goes out in the pouring rain to

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brush caterpillars off rose trees. I generally imagine his life

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indoors leaves something to be desired. Anyway, it must be

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very unsettling for the caterpillars. Of course, there were other

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people there. There was a major, somebody who had shot

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things in Lapland or somewhere of that sort. I forget

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what they were, but it wasn't for want of reminding.

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We had them cold with every meal, almost and he

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was continually giving us details of what they measured, from

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tip to tip, as though he thought we were going

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to make them warm under things for the winter. I

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used to listen to him with a rapt attention that

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I thought rather suited me. And then one day I

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quite modestly gave the dimensions of an okapi I had

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shot in the Lincolnshire Fens. The Major turned a beautiful

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Tyrian scarlet. I remember thinking at the time that I

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should like my bathroom hung in that color. And I

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think that at that moment he almost found it in

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his heart to dislike me. Missus Babwoll put on a

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first aid to the injured expression and asked him why

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he didn't publish a book of his sporting reminiscences, it

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would be so interesting. She didn't remember till afterwards that

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he had given her two fat volumes on the subject,

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with his portrait and autograph as a frontispiece, and an

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appendix on the habits of the Arctic muscle. It was

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in the evening that we cast aside the cares and

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distractions of the day and really lived. Cards were thought

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to be too frivolous and empty a way of passing

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the time, so most of them played what they called

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a book game. You went out into the hall to

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get an inspiration, I suppose. Then you came in again

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with a muffler tied round your neck and looked silly,

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and the others were supposed to guess that you were

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wee MacGregor. I held out against the inanity as long

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as I decently could, but at last, in a lapse

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of good nature, I consented to masquerade as a book

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only I warned them that it would take some time

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to carry out. They waited for the best part of

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forty minutes while I went and played wineglass skittles with

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the page boy in the pantry. You play it with

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a champagne cork, you know, And the one who knocks

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down the most glasses without breaking them wins. I won

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with four unbroken out of seven. I think William suffered

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from over anxiousness. They were rather mad in the drawing

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room at my not having come back, and they weren't

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a bit pacified when I told them afterwards that I

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was at the end of the passage. I never did

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like kipling. Was missus Babwald's comment when the situation dawned

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upon her. I couldn't see anything clever in earthworms out

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of Tuscany? Or is that by Darwin? Of course these

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games are very educational, but personally I prefer Bridge. On

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Christmas evening we were supposed to be especially festive in

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the old English fashion. The hall was horribly drafty, but

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it seemed to be the proper place to revel in,

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and it was decorated with Japanese fans and Chinese lifels,

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which gave it a very old English effect. A young

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lady with a confidential voice favored us with a long

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recitation about a little girl who died or did something

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equally hackneyed, and then the major gave us a graphic

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account of a struggle he had with a wounded bear.

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I privately wished that the bears would win sometimes on

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these occasions, at least they wouldn't go vaporing about it. Afterwards,

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before we had time to recover our spirits, we were

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indulged with some thought reading by a young man whom

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one knew instinctively had a good mother and an indifferent tailor,

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the sort of young man who talks unflaggingly through the

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thickest soup and smooths his hair dubiously as though he

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thought it might hit back. The thought reading was rather

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a success. He announced that the hostess was thinking about poetry,

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and she admitted that her mind was dwelling on one

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of Austin's odes, which was near enough. I fancy she

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had been really wondering whether a scrag end of mutton

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and some cold plum pudding would do for the kitchen

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dinner next day. As a crowning dissipation, they all sat

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down to play progressive Halma with milk chocolate for prizes.

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I've been carefully brought up, and I don't like to

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play games of skill for milk chocolate, so I invented

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a headache and retired from the scene. I had been

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preceded a few minutes earlier by miss Langston Smith, a

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rather formidable lady who always got up at some uncomfortable

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hour in the morning, and gave you the impression that

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she had been in communication with most of the European governments.

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Before breakfast, there was a paper pinned on her door

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with a signed request that she might be called particularly

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early on the morrow. Such an opportunity does not come

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twice in a lifetime. I covered up everything except the signature,

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with another notice to the effect that before these words

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should meet the eye, she would have ended a misspent life,

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was sorry for the trouble she was giving, and would

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like a military funeral. A few minutes later, I violently

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exploded an air filled paper bag on the landing and

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gave a stage moan that could have been heard in

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the cellars. Then I pursued my original intention and went

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to bed. The noise these people made in forcing open

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the good lady's door was positively indecorous. She resisted gallantly,

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but I believe they searched her for bullets for about

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a quarter of an hour, as if she had been

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a historic battlefield. I hate traveling on Boxing Day, but

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one must occasionally do things that one dislikes end of story.

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Reginald's Christmas Revel by Saki