Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Welcome to Drunkish. I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor. As
you probably have figured out by now, I've written a
few books, and one of them is called Drunkish, where
I told my whole sobriety story because I love sharing,
and now I have a podcast of the same name
so that other people can share their stories and we
can talk all about sobriety. And today is no different.
Today I have my friend Robin Reiser. Robin has been
a friend of mine for a really long time. We
go back to stand up comedy days, and I love
these kind of guests. She is so funny, she's so real,
she's been sober a very long time. She's a writer too,
and she has an account on medium dot com. You
can look for her there Robin Reiser R O B
I N R E I S E R. Also same
for Instagram, all the things. Also, please like and follow
the show Drunkish, the podcast. It will really help me
build my audience up. So let's have it. Robin my friend,
Welcome to the show. Welcome to Drunkish.
Speaker 2: Thank you, thanks, Stephanie. It's good to be here now.
Speaker 1: You've been sober a really long time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like three decades.
Speaker 1: And when people see you, they're just going to be like,
but how You're just a little baby.
Speaker 2: Did you get I got sober in the womb. It
was weird. It was like, you know what, I know,
I'm just a fetus, but I think I have a
problem with alcohol, and that's what you need. You know.
It says the only requirement for membership is a desire
to stop drinking. And I was like, I've.
Speaker 1: Had enough enough enough of this.
Speaker 2: These hangovers are killing me. No, I was I was sixteen.
I was sixteen. It's still surprising to me that I
was so young because now I have a fourteen year
old son, and I can't believe how young I was,
like because at the time I was like I felt
like an old, withered, old soul. You know, I was
going through so much. I can't believe that I was
literally a child, such a child when I got sober,
and that I had such a significant amount of consequences
and pain that it's propelled me to stay sober. You know.
Speaker 1: It's such an incredible story, and I don't know peak
behind the curtain. You've been writing a book about your experience. Yeah,
I'm not like we could talk we could say that, right,
and it's right. There's what I want to say. It
is so good. I just told Robin this off air
no offense to other people that write with me, but
you are one of my very favorite writers. The book
is so good. So I know this story kind of
inside and out because I've heard most of it and
when you were working on some big significant parts of it,
my kids were probably at the age that you were
at the and it was blowing my mind because I
was like, I can't imagine my kids or even myself,
because I don't. I mean, I started drinking what I
think of as young, but I was probably fourteen going on, yeah,
or fifteen, So it's good time to start, great time
to start. Like you know, it's still it's still early
enough to develop an alcohol addiction.
Speaker 2: You know, your liver is so fresh and your mind
is really mushy, so so yeah, you soak it all
up like a sponge.
Speaker 1: But what's crazy is that you are one of those
rare people that got sober very young against your will,
Like you had no interest in getting sober, And we're
gonna we'll go through the whole story. But but then
all this time later, you're still sober, and I almost
want to know, like if it's been so long that,
do you ever get that voice that's like I could probably,
like it'd be different now, yes.
Speaker 2: Yes, Oh my god. It's like it's like, come on,
you were a teen ager. Of course you didn't know
how to drink. You didn't even know how to drive,
you didn't know how to do anything. How of course
you're you're not an alcoholic. You were just it was
like a phase. You were binge drinking. Who wasn't binge drinking?
That's like the voice, it's like, you should probably you
could probably have a glass of wine now here and
there no problem. That's that's the voice. And then yeah,
and you're not an alcoholic and all that, and I
tell that voice yeah, okay, maybe, but I'm not going
to find out today. So that's how I shut it up.
I'm like, yeah, maybe, but like today's not a good
day to find that out, Like we're not going to
check in on I'm not going to put it to
the test today. And that that has shut my disease
up day by day because it's always just one day,
day at a time, so it's always like okay, but
not now you know, like there's wine at a party
and I'm like, I mean, am I an alcoholic? And
I want to say that I don't avoid life. So
I've been a bartender, I've been a cocktail waitress. I've
been around alcohol and drugs in sobriety, and I went
on dead tour, and I just it's always like just
not now, like just just not no, just not now,
because it doesn't matter. Like if I was like for
the rest of my life, I'm never going to do
this again, then that would make me crazy. But it's
just right now.
Speaker 1: Just right now. It gets into my head sometimes and
I'm gonna, I'm gonna. It's a great tool that you have,
because every once in a while, I get a thing.
I get triggered, as they say, when people talk about
like doing ayahuasca or doing something that's not that's not
like alcohol, you know, or smoking pot. It's something that
would be like very special, like going like or I
don't know, like ketamine or something where you're doing it
because you're trying to like heal your inner child. And
I go like with that, count like there's a part
of me that just goes well, I've never done that,
and like would that even count as not being sober,
and then I'm going to just start telling myself like,
you know what, I don't know, but I'm probably not
going to go do ayahuasca today so I can stop
thinking about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, That's and I get that one because like
my brother's really into ayahuasca and I think he's I
don't know if he is now, but he's been microdosing
mushrooms for you know, various like anxiety or depression or something,
and I know people doing kenemine and it's all seems
very above board and doctor. But it's just like, yeah,
I get it, right, and good for you all if
you can microdose mushrooms and that works for you, But
not for me today, Like that's not not for me
right now, Like it would have to be very special.
I'm not walking around with a fucking mushroom in my.
Speaker 3: Pocket and being like I'm just gonna take I'm gonna
take a little nibble of this right now, Yeah, just
a little scoche.
Speaker 1: Well, but that's the thing is like for for me,
I think, well, I'm not gonna just start doing mushrooms
all the time, So then what would be It's just
where my brain goes. It's not even serious. It's not
even like you're this is, you know, an intervention on me.
It's more like when people say certain things, I go,
does that even count as losing sobriety? If you were
to do that on purpose, you wouldn't go, you wouldn't
do ayahuasca and then go right back two days later.
So like that seems pretty reasonable, but it's so ridiculous
because that is the addic brain, because why do I
even need to do ayahuasca so bad? I'm not like
going through something?
Speaker 2: Yeah exactly just says fun right right, because you want
a trip? Yes, I think I always think about like
the thing like people are like, oh am I an alcoholic?
Am I do I have an alcoholic mind or whatever?
And I'm like the difference isn't like so like I
was drinking and binge, drinking and throwing you know, I
had all these consequences beyond just throwing up. But you
if you're having all these consequences, and a normal person
would be like, and now I'm going to stop doing that,
Like that's bad for me. I'm going to stop. Now
that was wrong. I should not have you know, they'll
it's not like anybody who makes a mistake while drinking
is an alcoholic. It's just if you have a consequence
and then you don't attribute that consequence to the fact
that you were drunk, and then you just do it
again or you think it's going to be different. That's
where that's like what separates the four years, what for years?
Speaker 1: For years for years, Like it's when you go like,
I don't think that was it, So I'm just going
to continue on doing that for ten more years, yeah,
to see if it ever turns out different.
Speaker 2: It's all these stories of people being like, well, obviously
I can't drink brown liquor. It's the brown liquor. Like,
that's the right, it's the it's the color of the liquor.
That's what's doing it to you. Good luck with tequila,
Good luck with that one. Right.
Speaker 1: Oh, I've done that. I've been a person that was like,
you know what, the problem is hard liquor. You can't
tell how much you're having, and so you go from
like zero to drunk too quickly. The trick is just
to do wine or beer because that comes on slower
and you can like gauge it better.
Speaker 2: You can sip it. I don't think I've ever sipped
a beer in my life.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, no, I've shot gunned quite a
few years. Yeah, you know, I was at this is
like a little bit well it's on topic, but it's
off your story. But I was as an adult last year.
In fact, I was at a football game, at my
daughter's college football game, and there were all these people
my age who were you know, had kids at the
school but also maybe went to that school, and all
these adults, you know, people in their fifties like me,
shotgunning beers and like partying, and I gotta tell you,
it looked so awful to me. I was like, wow,
I am so glad that I don't drink anymore because
that just seems sad, so sad, and also just I
think it through now to the point of like how
are you getting home? Also like you're gonna be tired soon,
Like you're just you're not going to keep that spirit
going and then go watch a game. No, You're going
to just be drunk and tired.
Speaker 2: Yeah, your hangover is going to come on before you
the game even starts. Yes, you're not gonna like that
marching band. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I was like, just leave this for the kids
who are just getting started with their alcohol issues, you
know what I mean, like let it go. Yeah, okay,
take us back to how it started. I just your
story is so interesting. Okay you're thirteen, yeah, twelve?
Speaker 2: No. I so the earliest earliest drinking was really young,
like a child in with all the best intentions. My
parents let me have wine with dinner when I was
a kid. They would give me want water down wine,
and I don't know if they thought it was like European,
I don't really know, but I think that, you know,
it was sort of like this. They thought it was
classy or something. And so I would have wine with
dinner and I loved it, and I loved it. I
would beg for it, and you'd think that they would
have noticed, no, they should not give it to me.
And then when I would run out, I would sit
under the table and I would reach up above the
table and grab a glass and I would drink it
and then put it back on the table. So that's
what I was doing it like Thanksgiving and other kind
of parties. I'd get under that table and I just
I never really thought about how it made me feel.
Then I wasn't like, wow, this is it just it
just was something I wanted, right, So it wasn't like,
oh yeah that I want to chase that. It just
it just was kind of like something I wanted, like
you want sugar or candy when you're a kid. It
was just like that simple. But when I hit puberty,
I went through some major I think we would now
know that it's basically depression. I couldn't stop crying and
I couldn't stop fighting with my mom, and that is
normal for our teenager. And I ran away to like
a park. I mean, I grew up in like a
nice suburb, so I just ran away from home. But
I just went to a park and some older boys
came by and they had beer, and I convinced them
to give me one. So and now I must have
been very persuasive, because I did seriously like I was ten.
But I think that they thought that it was funny,
and so they let me have a beer and I
chugged it and then I crushed the can and threw
it into the bushes and then belched and then asked
for another one, and they were like, this is hilarious,
and I gotta tell you, like all the buttons were
being checked for me, like I felt amazing because of
the alcohol. Plus these older boys who were like way
beyond my social scope thought I was hilarious. And I
was functioning in a realm that was like so outside
of my like Hello Kitty and girl Scout realm. Like
I just didn't know that I had this in me
where I could be like this, and I I loved it,
like I loved it. I loved the attention, I loved
being funny, and I felt so good. And I always
talk about that, the feeling, the relief of having the
alcohols hit my system is like this sound like if
there was a refrigerator buzzing in and you don't notice
that sound until the sound shuts off. And that's what
it was like. It was like this low level anxiety
that was always going and I didn't know it was
there until it was gone. And I was like, I
can do anything, I can be anyone. I'm I'm funny,
I'm fun I'm pretty, I'm special, I'm wanted, I'm valued
like everything, you know, and yeah, and then I was
off to there. I that was all I wanted to do,
you know. I quickly changed friend groups and got invited
to parties and started getting professional with my drinking.
Speaker 1: How did you just change friend groups though? Did you?
Were there kids that you knew that like to party
that you just started, Yeah, gravitating towards them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I think that I got. I got. I
had some friends that were right on the edge, you know,
So there were friends that were obviously a lot of
people were starting to experiment then. And then once I
did that and word got out that I was, I
had like this legendary chug session. And I don't know
if I released that information and or if my if
somebody else did. But then I got invited to a
party and where everybody was drinking, and then I just
started hanging out with those people. And there was also
a boy element to it too, because I was around
the same time I was like developing, and I recognized
like sort of the power of being having boobs and
being and like doing things like looking at boys in
the face and like they couldn't They're just so like what,
oh my god. And so I felt like this power
from that, and so that also got me invited to
parties too, because boys would be like, let's invite Robin
because she's and they were right. They were like, she's
going to be easy when she's drunk.
Speaker 1: And did your parents have any did they suspect anything
at this time?
Speaker 2: Yeah, they they busted me, like they busted me. They
busted me, and and they were like they found figured
out that I was drunk, and I was like it
was a mistake and I wanted to I just was
such a good liar. I mean, one of the things
with all the education around peer pressure is that I
just used all that education. Like I was like I
didn't know what to do. I was in this situation
that everybody else was drinking, and so I had a
few SIPs, but then I didn't have anything else to
drink and I didn't notice, Like I just like it
was so easy to play that card. Anytime I got busted.
It was like it was this like somehow being drunk
had just happened to me by accident. Like I had
alcohol poisoning one time and my dad had to come
rescue me. Like my friends were so worried that they
called my dad, and which is like it has to
be bad, you know, And so he came and picked
me up, and the next day he was like what happened,
and I said, there was a salt. There was a
bottle of sprite, and I didn't know. I didn't know
that it was anything but sprite. And then I'm like,
did you know that liquor could be sweet? And he's like, yeah,
there's And I just used everything. I use, all my
big eyes and my innocence and that I you're the
people who love you, especially when you're a teenager. They
do not want to think that you're doing anything wrong,
so they me because it was easy to play that card.
They caught me a lot, and I got away with
it because you know, they would try. They'd be like, well,
you're grounded for the next weekend, and I'd be like okay.
Speaker 1: You know it was like so you also then started
getting into drugs.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean, once the floodgates were open for me,
I was willing to try pretty much everything. I mean
I did have I didn't have some restrictions on myself,
but anything that was available I pretty much tried. And
I really loved being part of a stoner lifestyle, so
I got really into that. I also found that the
guys in my high school that I hung out with
that were big drinkers were pretty predatory and they were
dangerous for me to be around, and so I found
that it was safer to be a stoner. So I think,
like that seems obvious looking back on it, Like, you know,
I'm so glad that pot is legal because it's so
much less of a dangerous drug than alcohol, And it's
weird the fact that we didn't recognize that earlier. Like
stoners don't punch each other, they're generally not the ones
raping people, you know what I mean. It's like people
who are stoned are like gonna, like, you know, eat
cereal and take a nap, Like it's not as but
once you add alcohol into that equation, it's much more
dangerous or anything else that's more of a stimulant or
something like that. So I'm not saying everyone should go
smoke pot. I'm just saying, like, you know, it's.
Speaker 1: Really interesting though that you would bring this up, because
on my last episode, I had a guy who runs rehabs.
I had a not great reaction to this guy. My
question to him was if kids are smoking pot, because
it seems to be way more prevalent, Like you said,
is that about, like, how do we stop kids from
being stoners basically, and he's he was like, get him
into rehab. And I was like, well, and he blamed
the parents. There's a lot of that. Oh, I'm sure
he won't listen to this. He doesn't seem like the
type that would bother. He didn't know, he didn't know who.
I was like, he was pitched to me and then
he was like, I'm sorry, what's your name? What is this?
But anyway, he was very opinionated, and that's what he said.
And I was like, I feel like I know a
lot of kids who smoke a lot of pot or
eat gummies or whatever kids are doing, and I don't
think it's a bad parenting. And also it does seem
less bad. But also I think that kids use pot
to medicate things like maybe autism or ADHD or you know.
But my other but my question still remains, what about
kids who seemed to feel addicted to pot early on
and then they're using a pot all day every day?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: An either right, Yeah, I'm asking.
Speaker 2: No, I didn't think it was not good for me.
It was very bad. I mean, like I switched to pot,
I switched to being a stoner. But I you know,
the problem still remains. Right. It's not like I went
from being a casual drinker to a casual pot smoker,
went from being a daily binge drinker. I mean, I
kept wine in my locker at school. I was like
trying to I just thought that being drunk all the
time was the answer to everything, and I switched from
that to being stoned all the time is the answer
to everything.
Speaker 1: But we're saying addiction is addiction is addiction.
Speaker 2: I'm saying addiction. Yeah, We're saying addiction is addiction is addiction.
And I think you know, I got sent to rehab.
I had my parents had an intervene. They read my diary.
Sorry that I ruined the surprise.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, but but but so but at this but
the point that they read your diary, things have gotten
things have gotten crazy.
Speaker 2: You every right, I was doing a lot, so I
had been gone way past pot. But the pot was
making me have a lot of paranoid delusions. It was
kicking in hallucinations. It was it was having very destructive
consequences to my brain. And I think that what people
don't know is that that is part of a lot
of people have sort of psychotic reactions to pot even gummies,
even gummies that are just the mellow gummies or the like.
It's still a chemical that you're going to have a
reaction to. And maybe that won't happen right away, but
if you're prone to that, it's going to happen. And
I had no resources. I mean that was way back when,
and so nobody, there was nobody to talk to about it.
When it started happening to me, I just I thought
I was schizophrenic. And the thing about I just want
to say, the thing about sending kids to rehab right away,
That's why I said, like my parents read my diary,
was because by the time I got to rehab, this
shit was so bad that I was willing to turn
it around. But had they sent me there earlier, it
might have actually given me more incentive to I might
not have I wouldn't have been as incentivized to stay sober,
and I might have been more likely to separate from
them and not take their help, you know, because I'd
be like, you guys, don't know what you're talking about.
I'm fine, and then like gone underground. Even more so, so,
I think that that it's tricky when I mean, like
I don't have the answer. I think I got really
lucky that they I got intercepted right at the right time,
and I had it, you know, it got the message
at the right time. But it's I've seen people send
their kids to rehab without enough consequences, and then the
kids just are like, there's not the only thing I'm
doing wrong is breaking a rule. The only thing that's
bad here is that I'm disobeying you, right, and so
that's not gonna that's not going to help them. I mean,
I'm saying this as a parent. I'm like super scared.
What if my son like gets into that. What am
I going to do? You know?
Speaker 1: But what you're saying is is holds true for people,
which are going to be most of the people listening,
who are adults who, as we say in the program,
like I wish you desperation because it is so easy
to rationalize and convince yourself you're not doing that much wrong,
or like in my case, there is a lot of it.
I'm only hurting myself. The only issue here is like
my liver. You know, I'm not hurting anybody. I'm not
at that time. I'm not driving drunk, I'm not doing
anything wrong, So who cares if I have so if
I have to have wine every single night, you know
it's after eight o'clock, the kids are in bed. Like,
there's so many ways to tell yourself. You don't need
help until you need help. Yeah, until you're ready. You're
not going to tell me you're not going to have
an intervention and go. Your drinking is negatively affecting things,
if I don't think it is. So I think that's
what you're saying is you'd gotten to the point where
you did feel out of control, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I actually when you say that, like about
the intervention strategy, people are there telling you like, hey, Stephanie,
your drinking affecting me, you know, and sort of making
you realize like, oh, it's not just my liver that
I'm hurting, it is the people in my life. And
I feel like that is the main focus of an intervention,
is to be like, hey, wake up, Like you're hurting yourself,
but you're hurting everybody. And if you have any sense
of you know, if you're not a psychopath, you're going
to want to change that.
Speaker 1: Well maybe, but what I'm saying is like, is also
what you're saying which is when people tell you that
they don't like you drinking and you do not think
you have a problem, it is very easy to feel like,
here's why you think I have a problem, because you're
a goody goody yeah, because you know if you think
everybody or I had one where I was like, oh,
well it's because you stop drinking like a year ago,
so now you think everybody has a problem. So like
suddenly I'm ruining my life with alcohol. I mean this
was as an adult, and I know I met.
Speaker 2: I just want to say that Stephanie and I have
known each other since way before she was sober and
I but we were at the improv and we were
at the bar in the bar, and I think we
were there it was like a Chelsea Handler situation, who
is always she loves to surround herself with people who
are also drinking. You know, it's like create the Chelsea party.
And Stephanie was part of that party around there. Sure,
sure was. And I think that you asked me what
I was drinking because I think I had like a
cranberry and soda or something, and I think I said, oh,
it's cranberry and soda, and you were like, why Are
you drinking cranberry and soda? Are you pregnant? Like it
was like that kind of thing. I was soorry you
on flagile do you have And I said, I said, no,
I'm sober, and you said, and I said, I've been sober.
Somehow it came out that I'd been sober since I
was a teenager, and you were like, oh my god,
you missed out on so much fun.
Speaker 1: And You're like, doesn't look that fun, But okay no.
Speaker 2: I was just like, it wouldn't have been fun for me,
That's what I was like, Well, probably, but it wasn't.
I wouldn't have been having fun, Like you know, I.
Speaker 1: Think that I was. You know, I'm glad you told
me that, because, you know, we tend to try to
make ourselves seem better than we like, we tend to
look back and give ourselves a lot of grace. Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, But when you got sober, I was like, ah
ha ha.
Speaker 3: I was slow clapping in the back of the room.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you how much fun are we having?
Speaker 1: My process when I got sober was to at first
really be like, this really sucks that I have to
stop drinking. I'm so mad that I'm not somebody who
can drink, because I sure had a good time drinking.
And it wasn't until doing some of the works of
my twelve step program and see where you have to
do a lot of writing about how it was, that
I started to go, Oh, it wasn't really so great,
was it? Like? Yeah, I tended to make myself seem prettier,
the drinking prettier than it was, do you know what
I mean? And when you start looking at oh, what
about this time, and what about that behavior? And what
about that behavior? It was like, Oh, I can't believe
it took me this long to realize that I had
a problem. Yeah, because I quit drinking at forty two.
I have had a drinking problem since fourteen, so like
it's never been good. But I can totally believe that
I acted like that, And like I said, I acted
like that as an adult to people who did try
to tell me like, maybe you're doing too much here,
and I was pretty pissed and thought they were just
really judgmental, right, right.
Speaker 2: Like I'm not like you, I'm not like a church lady. Yes, yes,
there was something I was thinking about when you were
saying that, oh, which is that I also when I
talk about like, oh the consequences and everything was so bad.
I contributed none of it to drugs and alcohol. None
of it, Like it was the reason I was having
hallucinations and delusions and I was paranoid was because I
was schizophrenic. The reason why I was like every single
thing that I that was happening to me, everything, every pain,
none of it was because of it was not the
fault of the angelic alcohol and drug consumption, right, Like
I didn't see it that way, and I was definitely
like this is very unfair. Like I'm telling you right
now that I have found the best friend a person
could ever have in their entire life, who makes everything
fun and makes everything better and loves me till the
ends of the earth. And you're telling me I can
never be friends with that person again, Like that's what
it is. Like, It's like you're taking away my best
friend and you're telling me that everything that's wrong with
my life is because of me my relationship with my
best friend. Like it's a not I was not, like
I've I see the light, you know.
Speaker 1: I will take it way back to that moment though,
So because it's such a dramatic story, so you've been
writing in your diary. Oh you mean when they uh, yes,
it's your intervention.
Speaker 2: Okay. So yeah, I'd been sharing with my diary because
I had been going down. I had really been spiraling mentally,
and so there was a lot of me working out
what reality was in my diary and a lot of
trying just trying to get my life back on track
and working that in through my diary. But I was
not hiding from my diary about what I was doing.
I did talk about how much I loved drugs, and
I did know that, like I just needed to figure
out how to function better with the drugs, you know.
And I had tried to quit a few times to
see if that would help, and it was the kind
of thing where I like quit for a week and
I was like, I can do it, you know, So
that's not the problem. And I had also had been out.
I'd had several experiences of being sexually abused by what
I call it pure sexual abuse, because it's like different
than you know, when you're when you're that age. It's like,
like I honestly can't even put it in the same
category as like a grown man, right, these are other
kids doing stupid shit, and it's like, but it hurts
us as much. It's just that everybody sort of doesn't
know what's going on or nobody's given any education at
that time. And so yeah, I had suffered sexual abuse
from drinkers. I just want to say in and drunk,
in when drunk and all that was in my diary,
and my and I had gone to like a summer
outward bound experience. Because also I just want to say,
like I had a very ordinary, suburban, middle class life.
Like I was not raised by you know, anybody. My
parents were lovely, wonderful people, and I mean all parent
no parents are perfect, but like, really, this is something
inside of me that I don't think they could have
ever stopped it from happening. Right, So anyway, I went
to like camp. Basically when I came home and they
picked me up from the airport, they were like, I
was like, Oh, are we going to go out to
eat or are we gonna because that's usually when you
haven't seen your kid in a while. They're like, no,
you know, we're not. And then the next day I
went to the orthodontist because I had a retainer because
I was sixteen, and they then after that, my dad
was like, you know, we did a drug test on
you and it came out positive. And then I was like,
that's weird. They never did a drug test on me.
What are they talking about. And they took me to
this room with this lady and she she said, Robin Toast,
what drugs you've been doing? And I said, well, you know,
to be honest, like occasionally I have like a like
a hit of hot like maybe like I don't love it,
but like it's around like so like I did my
normal lie and they were like, so she was so,
she was like, so you're telling us that you smoke
pot occasionally, and I like, I said, yeah, I'm really sorry,
and she said the Orthodonti's office. No, no, no, no,
they said the orthodontis. But then they brought me to
this other place.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, said sorry.
Speaker 2: They walked me into this church basement. So and then
then so they said, well, that's not what your diary says.
And then they all my mom, my dad, this counselor,
they and some other woman like they all had copies
of my diary and they started reading them to me
and it was like it was like having my skin
peeled off of my body. It was so I remember
like trying to find an exit, like they were blocking
the doors, like I wanted to run away. I wanted
to die. It was so so embarrassed, like I was
in embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was horrified. I mean,
no one should read anybody's diary anyway, ever because of.
Speaker 1: Me, just like why didn't you have a lock on it?
Speaker 2: Not only did I not have a lock on it,
I did like I filled out like a book a month.
I had like stacks of them, you know, And so
I was, you're a writer, and it was it was
apparently really important to me to say every detail of
every stupid thing. And I had been secretive in my diaries,
like I had been trying to keep them covert for
a while. But then after a certain time, I just
was like I became really honest because I could no
longer talk to friends. I had no one to talk to.
I was completely alone. I was going crazy. I was
not safe anywhere, and so I was just that was
the only I felt like I could even think through
my process through a thought was there. So I stopped
being covert and I started being clear about what I
was doing okay.
Speaker 1: So they have this intervention. You're horrified and embarrassed and
are they like, you're that's it, You're going to rehab.
Speaker 2: Yeah. They were like, the your bag is packed, You're
going to rehab. And I was like, but I have
to go home first, and they're like, no, you don't.
You're actually getting on an airplane and flying. We're taking
you to Minnesota. So I grew up in New York
in the suburbs, and they sent me to rehab in Minnesota.
And honestly, like it was the best thing because all
my friends who had gone to rehab nearby my home
all broke out and then got you know, hidden in
their friends' rooms for weeks on end.
Speaker 1: Wow, So you had other friends who'd been to rehab
at that age, because that's what I feel like, that
was pretty rare.
Speaker 2: You don't know, it seems it was pretty like crazy. Yeah,
we had a few friends that had gone to rehab
and broken out, and we just didn't take it seriously.
It was kind of like, oh, mom, don't send me
to rehab. Like we always made jokes about it, you know, right, right, right, right, right, Okay,
So you go.
Speaker 1: And you're like mad.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. I was like, I'm never going to
trust my parents again. They're fucking assholes. Who does that?
How could you betray me like that? And they're like,
how could you betray us like this? Also, you know,
and they're like, we also don't trust you. And yeah,
they dropped me off at this lock, this like hospital
style rehab in the middle of Minneapolis and left me there.
Speaker 1: So they were mad.
Speaker 2: They were mad, but they you know, the like the
crazy things are, like the awkward conversation stations in the car,
or like we had to go out. We didn't. Just
they didn't just take me straight from the plane to
the rehab. We had like a night at a hotel
and we went out and ate dinner and like acting
like normal, and you know, I'm wearing these stupid jeans
that my mom got, like the gap outlet and like
just like everybody, it's just so tense and my dad's
trying to be funny. It was just like really horrible.
My brother was staying with my aunt and uncle because
she was too young. It was just like I blew
the family. It was like the family got just everything
was blown up. It was all completely broken. But I
will say this one thing that in the car after
the intervention. In the car on the way to the airport,
I was like leaning my head against window and I
was looking out at the clouds and there was something
that happened with the shift of the clouds and the light,
and I was like saying, like, I'm so mad. This
is so bad. It's so like I can't believe them.
I can't believe what this is happening to me. And
then I had like this thought come into my head
that was like, but maybe this can be the end,
Like maybe after this you'll find out what's wrong and
you won't have to live in pain and in so
much fear the way you've been living, Like this could
be the end of that. So I feel like that
was the That was this big serene jolt that I
had that was like, finally something is going to change,
like maybe not the way I wanted to or but
something's going to change. It's going to get better somehow.
Speaker 1: What I want to do is I want to end
here and then I want to do a part two
and here because I feel like there's a there's a
lot more to the story and I don't want to
rush it into like and then there is fine, because.
Speaker 2: It's not how it taken so long to tell everything. No,
you're not.
Speaker 1: I just think sometimes when people when it fits perfectly
into a second part, I like to do a second part, okay,
then just cram the ending into like another ten minutes.
All right, So everybody, I'll see you tomorrow for part two.
Speaker 2: Okay, see you tomorrow for part two.
Speaker 1: Okay. Bye,