WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.879 I always feel an odd sense of relief when I 2 00:00:05.919 --> 00:00:08.320 step into our apartment after a grinding week days. Something 3 00:00:08.359 --> 00:00:10.519 about the predictable hush and the soft light pulling through 4 00:00:10.560 --> 00:00:13.919 our west windows makes my chest and clench. That Friday, 5 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:16.039 I'd left the office later than planned, the kind of 6 00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:18.440 day where emails multiplied every time I took a breath, 7 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:20.399 and the commute home used out into nearly an hour 8 00:00:20.440 --> 00:00:22.039 and a half thanks to some fist of a clogging 9 00:00:22.120 --> 00:00:25.000 up mane. Still, by seven, I was determined to have 10 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:29.280 ay real, even something cozy, not fancy, just us again, 11 00:00:29.399 --> 00:00:31.399 after a run of too many grab abide after the 12 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:34.439 gym or at my desk working late apologies. I lit 13 00:00:34.479 --> 00:00:37.679 the candles, I reheated the tortellini out pret that morning, 14 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:41.759 tossed quickerucular salad and sliced bread motown on the speaker's 15 00:00:41.799 --> 00:00:43.840 a half bottle of decent wine breathing on the counter. 16 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:46.960 A few months ago, Dylan would have texted me account 17 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:49.320 by now leaving soon, but by club ran over with 18 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.200 the little bikimoji as if it were our secret code. 19 00:00:52.200 --> 00:00:56.560 That week he started texting more perfunctory notes, not cold exactly, 20 00:00:57.399 --> 00:01:00.640 just abbreviated a shift from our usual suttle enough that 21 00:01:00.679 --> 00:01:02.679 it could have been my exhaustion or the accumulation of 22 00:01:02.719 --> 00:01:05.920 all little irritations Jeane brings with its sticky heat eight 23 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:11.000 twenty phone buzzes. I glanced down a two liner cycling 24 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:14.560 clop ran over grabbing food with the guys. They'll weighed 25 00:01:14.599 --> 00:01:18.359 up three. I hesitated, thums hovering, surprised by how disappointed 26 00:01:18.359 --> 00:01:21.079 I actually felt. We hadn't properly set at the table 27 00:01:21.079 --> 00:01:24.200 together in weeks. Maybe I started to reply in my 28 00:01:24.280 --> 00:01:26.760 mind when I'd last seen him laugh over some accidental 29 00:01:26.760 --> 00:01:29.879 saltspota or tease me about my never ending Spotify Throvek's playlist. 30 00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:34.120 I typed out, miss you enjoy save some energy for 31 00:01:34.200 --> 00:01:37.159 movies this weekend. The heart emogi felt awkward as I 32 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:40.000 pressed send. I left my phone faced down on the table, 33 00:01:40.040 --> 00:01:42.079 poured myself a glass of pino, and tried to well 34 00:01:42.120 --> 00:01:45.159 away the sense of anti climax out of habit. I 35 00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:48.239 glanced at the wall calendar I'd made in January. Dylan's 36 00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:51.079 handwriting slanted across random saturdays early in the year. THO 37 00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:53.799 slots said a C plus C cabin or museum w 38 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:57.079 slasse not a couple, scroll ride or just a cryptic out. 39 00:01:57.640 --> 00:01:59.959 I couldn't remember him mentioning plans for this Sunday. He'd 40 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:01.959 blown off my museum, my deal last week two and 41 00:02:01.959 --> 00:02:04.879 would skipboulst trip of state, something he'd always claimed was 42 00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:09.120 our tradition, no big deal except for us, sort of us. 43 00:02:09.719 --> 00:02:13.080 I'd almost tixted my sister out of irritation, but stopped myself. 44 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:16.520 Maybe it was nothing. I scrolled through Dylan's old text. 45 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:20.800 Weeks of quick check ins, no real conversations, just calender 46 00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:24.159 logistics on the occasional love you. I've tried face signing him, 47 00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:27.120 just for funny. He didn't answer. Called his number. After 48 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:30.280 a few rings, he picked up. Hey babe, he said. 49 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:34.800 Some clouter in the background muffled. He sounded a little breathless, happy, 50 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:38.240 Hi it, I said, he's sound excited when a tour 51 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:41.599 de France out there? He laughed lightly, but then there 52 00:02:41.639 --> 00:02:44.639 and in the background, the soft, slightly musical voice, not 53 00:02:44.759 --> 00:02:47.000 shrieking or roud him, more like someone telling a joke 54 00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:49.960 than a low laugh. Definitely not one of the guys. 55 00:02:49.960 --> 00:02:53.599 A tone I didn't recognize anyway, harp I wish Dylan's 56 00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:57.120 said sorry, they're telling old stories just finished up. I'll 57 00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.840 see you in the morning. Okay, have fun, I said, 58 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:02.879 forcing brightness. As I ended the call, I caught a 59 00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:05.120 glimpse of myself in the microwaves reflection. I bro was 60 00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:09.400 drawn together, leftspurst. I hesitated only another moment, looking down 61 00:03:09.400 --> 00:03:11.240 at the n Tusk's second plate I put out for him. 62 00:03:11.719 --> 00:03:14.000 Then I just poured myself or rifilled, and toasted the 63 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:17.319 open window to your happiness, wherever you find it. I 64 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:20.000 set out, loud, half laughing at my own absurd dramatics. 65 00:03:20.680 --> 00:03:24.000 Maybe he was just relaxing for months. The cycling club 66 00:03:24.039 --> 00:03:26.280 had been his way to let off steam. My stomach 67 00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:28.879 twisted anyway, a dulno right at the edge of my pride. 68 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:32.000 I decided to force it down. I tappt my post 69 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:34.960 with a little more palmesan, changed the playlist to something noisier, 70 00:03:35.080 --> 00:03:37.919 and sat on the couch, promising myself I'd stop overthinking. 71 00:03:38.479 --> 00:03:40.240 That was the kind of agreement Dylan and I had 72 00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:43.560 always shared, don't invent croyses. Trust is easier if you 73 00:03:43.639 --> 00:03:45.960 acted out like muscle memory, believing in the pillow. We 74 00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:48.879 called it the untested assumption that whatever storm arrived would 75 00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:51.919 face it honestly together. I fell asleep halfway through a 76 00:03:52.039 --> 00:03:54.240 run class, still on the end table, his pillow called 77 00:03:54.280 --> 00:03:57.240 beside me. I told myself it meant nothing. The thing is, 78 00:03:57.439 --> 00:03:59.879 I remember with crude fiscal clarity. The first time I 79 00:03:59.879 --> 00:04:02.400 met him, our first real date, we sat at a 80 00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:04.719 little almost back Ali Rahm and joined in the Old 81 00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:07.319 Market district. Not because we were hipsters, but because both 82 00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:09.400 our phones died at the same time made walk so 83 00:04:09.479 --> 00:04:11.879 we wandered around for twenty minutes in the nerves of newness, 84 00:04:11.960 --> 00:04:15.159 killing time until a charger became available. Dylan was the 85 00:04:15.159 --> 00:04:17.879 one who pointed out the absurdity of it. Maybe we 86 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:21.120 just talk like in the eighteen hundreds. He'd said, I 87 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:23.480 almost batwined through my nose at that and had set 88 00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:27.120 the tone sarkism, dead pan wordplay. We got side eyed 89 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:29.759 by the waitress for laughing too loud. Most of what 90 00:04:29.759 --> 00:04:31.759 we built tight years since then came from a pattern 91 00:04:31.800 --> 00:04:35.279 of these tiany every day joys. Fridays were grilling nights, 92 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:38.120 windows meant pop from marathons and heated blanket wrestling I 93 00:04:38.160 --> 00:04:42.639 always lost. Every September we rented my grandfather's ancient drafty 94 00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:45.199 cabinet State brain or shine, to drink bad wine and 95 00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:48.800 crack in side jokes about pioneer marathoners. Dylan loved old brick, 96 00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:51.480 always pointing out the fussy details of any historic building. 97 00:04:52.000 --> 00:04:54.560 I joked that marketing was about making ugly things beautiful, 98 00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:57.240 but he'd insist on the sanctity of good bones. I 99 00:04:57.240 --> 00:04:59.879 could depend on his steadiness, he could count on my 100 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.279 ability to talk him done after amid career panicaf the 101 00:05:02.319 --> 00:05:05.079 last year's laos is firm especially. I tried to make 102 00:05:05.120 --> 00:05:07.720 our home abuffer zone for him. We weren't perfect, but 103 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:10.680 we were a team. When my mother had surgery, Dylan 104 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:12.199 made her soup and sent me guests to keep me 105 00:05:12.240 --> 00:05:15.439 sane through the waiting. I'd cover his presentation notes, fielding 106 00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:18.720 practice questions for his projects when we argued, and we 107 00:05:18.759 --> 00:05:21.160 did because suddenness was a mutual hobby. It never felt 108 00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:24.319 like we'd veer off some cliff his parents retired teachers 109 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:27.120 from I'd host send us We're jams for Christmas. My 110 00:05:27.240 --> 00:05:30.439 sister worried I first took to him fast. Friends talked 111 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.519 about our chemistry, about how real we seemed. I wore 112 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:36.959 those compliments like medals. People joked that we'd never break. 113 00:05:37.600 --> 00:05:40.439 Our fights when they happened, were about things like were friends, wedding, 114 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:44.079 Deucci's orror, whose turn to clean the bathroom, Never about trust, 115 00:05:44.759 --> 00:05:48.079 never about secrets. For I did start to wonder over 116 00:05:48.120 --> 00:05:51.360 time about little withdraws in him. I'd catch myself repeating 117 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:54.879 We're fine, just busy, just tired to any one who noticed, 118 00:05:55.519 --> 00:05:57.439 maybe because I worried if I said it enough, I 119 00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:59.600 wouldn't have to examine the cracks. The way he'd started 120 00:05:59.639 --> 00:06:02.600 organized his life around something I wasn't part of. It 121 00:06:02.680 --> 00:06:05.279 wasn't that Dylan was ever secret of my nature. He 122 00:06:05.319 --> 00:06:07.920 looked you right in the eye always. His love for 123 00:06:07.959 --> 00:06:11.360 structure grounded me. My sister called him mister spreadsheet, and 124 00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:13.680 it was true. He lived by plans, blocks, tan lines. 125 00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:17.000 When that shifted, it was subtle, a mist dinner at 126 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:19.240 first a week and gone for cleb rides, a slowly 127 00:06:19.240 --> 00:06:22.720 different rhythm to our shed routines. Then came the cycling phase. 128 00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:26.040 It started innocent, a birthy gift, sheep's second hand back 129 00:06:26.040 --> 00:06:28.240 to see if he'd enjoyed a club, as colleague Mark 130 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:31.480 had talked about. Next thing I knew. Our entry closet 131 00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:35.079 was filled with a helmet gloves and little lights thine. 132 00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:37.720 I loved the idea of him having his own zone, 133 00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:40.920 but almost over night it felt as though zone became border. 134 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:44.600 He joined the club's group, hat, downloaded cycling and training apps, 135 00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:47.199 started setting his alarm for six on Saturdays. He'd never 136 00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:49.759 wake up early for anything unless the promise was bottomless 137 00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:53.000 French toast. What surprised me, though, was how all consuming 138 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:56.519 it suddenly became. It was all intervals, a gear ratios 139 00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:59.680 hydration strategy, diving into the jargon, buying padded shorts and 140 00:06:59.720 --> 00:07:02.920 what proof jackets. I wondered quietly if it was a 141 00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:05.920 stress outlet, some new self improvement urge, or just an 142 00:07:05.959 --> 00:07:08.120 excuse to avoid everything the rest of us cared about. 143 00:07:08.680 --> 00:07:11.680 There were the receipts, new ankle socks, tire pumps, weird 144 00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:15.560 imported energy chews, the Amazon packages on the stoop addressed 145 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:19.000 only to him, But something else felt off. He started 146 00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:20.800 humming songs in the show are not the old Eddies 147 00:07:20.920 --> 00:07:23.240 hits we both loved, but nearer stuff. I didn't recognize. 148 00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:26.839 Light air popper. He texted at odd times, always quick 149 00:07:26.839 --> 00:07:29.000 to lock his phone, never sharing some joke he just 150 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:32.600 received when I joked about his secret cycling life. He'd smile, 151 00:07:32.680 --> 00:07:34.680 but I started to realize it never spread all the 152 00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:37.319 way to his eyes. One Saturday, I went to the 153 00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:40.439 farmer's market with Sarah and Jen. It was busy, family's 154 00:07:40.439 --> 00:07:43.079 crowd in to cherry stands, college gets hoarding bouqueten. I 155 00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:45.319 found myself talking to Jesse, the wife of one of 156 00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:48.600 Dylan's old cycling friends Tom. I said something about how 157 00:07:48.600 --> 00:07:51.120 dedicated the club had all become. She looked at me 158 00:07:51.199 --> 00:07:54.519 kind of blankly, then laughed, you know, I've barely seen 159 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:56.759 Tom out the last month. He said, hardly anyone goes 160 00:07:56.800 --> 00:08:00.160 now unless their training for that marathon. I must have 161 00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:02.240 looked confused. Dylan kept claiming they were all in the 162 00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:06.560 grind together. I playfully say, well, maybe Dylan's secretly competing 163 00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:10.480 for gold at the next Olympics. Jesse laughed a little awkward. 164 00:08:10.680 --> 00:08:12.959 That'd be a first. I haven't heard about Dylan joining 165 00:08:12.959 --> 00:08:15.920 a ride since May. She said, But maybe Tom's just 166 00:08:15.920 --> 00:08:18.959 out of the loop lately. Driving back, I'm molded over. 167 00:08:19.639 --> 00:08:23.199 Maybe Dylan just needed something solo. Still, the nag was there, 168 00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:27.040 manual sharp in my mind. Was I being controlling? Did 169 00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:28.839 he want a space away from me? Or just a 170 00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:31.959 break from his own routines. At dinner, I half joked, 171 00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:33.799 maybe you should take me ride and teach me to 172 00:08:33.879 --> 00:08:36.720 keep up with the club champion. Dylan glanced up, smiling, 173 00:08:36.799 --> 00:08:40.000 but a bit patronizing. Oddly, trust me, you'd hate it's 174 00:08:40.039 --> 00:08:42.600 what isn't ere look, babe? Plus those hills are brutal. 175 00:08:43.240 --> 00:08:46.320 The topic evaporated. He changed the subject to my work, 176 00:08:46.360 --> 00:08:50.000 to the latest client crisis. I let it drop. Still 177 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:53.279 it's done. Some nights after he fell asleep on the couch, 178 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:56.159 I'd watch him mouth slack, one hand curled under the pillow, 179 00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:58.600 and try to remember if he'd always needed this much distance, 180 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.039 if the fact that he rolled away when I reached 181 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:03.120 for him was new, or if I'd only just started 182 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:05.879 to notice it. I tried to rationalize. Maybe I was 183 00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:09.799 just feeling insecure, Maybe he needed his own thing. Maybe 184 00:09:09.799 --> 00:09:12.240 that strange laugh on the phone was innocent, somebody's girl 185 00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:15.200 friend of the bar, not worth mentioning. But I closed 186 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:17.679 the door on my curiosity harder and harder. Each time 187 00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:20.639 they've little things started to accumulate, which is how doubt 188 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:23.879 always sneaks in. More and more Dylan's stories failed to 189 00:09:23.919 --> 00:09:26.279 line up in the small practical ways I'd once taken 190 00:09:26.279 --> 00:09:29.360 for granted. For instance, he talked about the new club 191 00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:32.440 rut they'd been using along the lake out of curiosity, 192 00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:35.320 partly as a joke, partly from habit as a marketing analyst. 193 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:37.759 I downloaded their public group rides online to see if 194 00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:40.559 I could spot one of his approval hills. No such 195 00:09:40.639 --> 00:09:43.120 route showed in any recent events. Their last two rides 196 00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:45.720 barely skimmed the west Side, entirely different from the harder 197 00:09:45.799 --> 00:09:48.759 pills dill And kept describing. I opened a cycling up 198 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:51.720 on my tablet. All his rides lately were marked private 199 00:09:51.840 --> 00:09:55.240 or missing altogether. When I pressed, he shrugged, claim he'd 200 00:09:55.279 --> 00:09:57.799 forgotten to sink the app without his GPS, bugged out 201 00:09:58.360 --> 00:10:00.919 mundane staff, except that he was suddenly so keen on 202 00:10:00.960 --> 00:10:04.240 metrics and stats everywhere else. It nagged at me like 203 00:10:04.279 --> 00:10:07.320 a missing puzzle piece. Mid July, I found a receipt 204 00:10:07.320 --> 00:10:09.720 folded into his backpack two breakfasts and coffee at a 205 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:12.440 little spot across town, a place had never been. The 206 00:10:12.440 --> 00:10:15.240 address was distinctly not off the Jameson Highwood, where he'd 207 00:10:15.240 --> 00:10:17.720 claimed that day's ride to him. When I asked about 208 00:10:17.759 --> 00:10:20.600 it later he tossed off, Oh we all got hungry 209 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:23.159 and ended up deetering, and then he disappeared into the shower, 210 00:10:23.240 --> 00:10:25.840 humming coffee, the song I'd now heard three times, but 211 00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:29.600 never with me. It wasn't just geography. At dinner time, 212 00:10:29.720 --> 00:10:33.120 Tilan started keeping his fum face down. Sometimes he'd light 213 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:34.840 up at a text and quickly stand up too, just 214 00:10:34.919 --> 00:10:38.480 colmac brief conversations in the hall, mostly in a voice 215 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:40.639 too low for me to overhear, ending abruptly when he 216 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:43.039 returned with tight eyes and already made compliment about my 217 00:10:43.080 --> 00:10:45.440 dinner or a new show we could stream. He became 218 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.360 suddenly wary about plans. The movie night tradition he'd never 219 00:10:48.440 --> 00:10:50.960 cancel was abandoned midmonth with excuse that he needed to 220 00:10:51.000 --> 00:10:53.679 rest up for the early ride. But when I checked 221 00:10:53.679 --> 00:10:55.759 his riding app didn't show that he'd even set out. 222 00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:59.440 Saturday mornings when he used snuggle and talk about nonsense 223 00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:02.039 before we both went, always he'd begun before my alarum, 224 00:11:02.120 --> 00:11:04.080 and when he got home there'd be no stories about 225 00:11:04.120 --> 00:11:06.960 misadventures or club antics, just more tough for cut vagueness. 226 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:10.360 One weekend, my friend sound texted me mid afternoon with 227 00:11:10.440 --> 00:11:12.919 a weird question. So Dylan at water Street books a day, 228 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:16.240 is he still pretending to hate serious novels? I was surprised. 229 00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:18.159 Dylan said he'd be on a one hundred mile ride 230 00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:19.840 that took him clear out of the city all morning. 231 00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:22.559 When I brought it up, Dylan just shrugged, smiling a 232 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:24.600 little too much. I had to cut short. Met up 233 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:26.159 with the guys for coffee. You know how I get 234 00:11:26.159 --> 00:11:28.840 about back talk. No big deal, except the law was 235 00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:32.480 so specific and so necessary. Curiosity got the better of me. 236 00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:34.919 A friend's barbecue track down Mark, the one who'd gotten 237 00:11:34.960 --> 00:11:38.240 Dylan into cycling to begin with. I asked, casual as anything, 238 00:11:38.440 --> 00:11:40.519 whether he was ready for the club's next big event. 239 00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:45.639 Mark blinked, which one the charity ride? I filled in, 240 00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:49.360 smile frozen. He frowned, sipping his beer. I haven't heard 241 00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:52.360 about anything big, actually, he hesitated. I haven't been out 242 00:11:52.360 --> 00:11:55.120 with Dylan since the spring. He's doing more solo stuff lately. 243 00:11:55.240 --> 00:11:57.360 I guess, at least that's what he said last time 244 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.360 we texted. You'll have to ask him. His tone was freely, 245 00:12:00.440 --> 00:12:03.320 but his eyebrows pinched together. Something about it set my 246 00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:06.399 teeth on edge. Back home, I watched his weekend after 247 00:12:06.440 --> 00:12:09.519 week in, Dylan drew a little further. He started protesting 248 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:11.679 when I suggested we grabbed dinner with my family or 249 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:13.440 head up to the cabin o, a ritual retreat, the 250 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:16.720 one place he'd always called sacred. Instead, he claimed rise, 251 00:12:16.919 --> 00:12:20.759 or exhaustion, or the ever present press of too much work. Meanwhile, 252 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:23.559 friends kept notes and changes. Dylan wants this silent brooder, 253 00:12:23.600 --> 00:12:26.759 as Jem put it, suddenly effusive, more energetic, cracking jokes 254 00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:30.200 at parties, calling through phases of restlessness. Some one teased 255 00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:32.919 him at a group brunch, you've got a second wind, man, 256 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:37.039 what's your secret? Dylan laughed, fingered his coffee cup. I added, 257 00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:40.039 maybe he's on performance, and hanswers, hoping for a flash 258 00:12:40.039 --> 00:12:44.000 of the old dynamic. He said nothing, smiling crookedly. I 259 00:12:44.039 --> 00:12:46.679 excused myself to the restrument for the first time in years, 260 00:12:46.840 --> 00:12:50.320 locked myself and splashed my face with cold water. That night, 261 00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:52.320 I stayed up, calling through the random for to as 262 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:55.480 Dylan had accumulated, mostly just city shots, his sneakers propped 263 00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:57.720 up by the same mural or a park bench, coffee 264 00:12:57.720 --> 00:13:01.279 forever in one hand. The patterns urged always two cups 265 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:03.159 on the table, always some object out of place, a 266 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:05.480 book that looked nothing like his usual picks, or a 267 00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:07.759 woman's sunglasses barely visible on the edge of a frame, 268 00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:11.679 a shadow of light hair caught in the mirror behind him. Accidents, maybe, 269 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:14.720 but I couldn't stop feeling like I was glimpsing fractions 270 00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:17.720 of another story, a story I didn't belong to. In bed, 271 00:13:17.799 --> 00:13:20.480 I drew back from him as he slept. I tried 272 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:22.240 to remember if the things I were seeing were a 273 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:24.559 proof or just the friction of growing up alongside another 274 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:28.840 person wanting different things. Every marriage, every couple, every one 275 00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:31.639 we knew. Didn't they all pass through seasons? Couldn't this 276 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:34.960 just be one? But underneath that, a harder voice asked, 277 00:13:35.120 --> 00:13:38.639 when did your season stop including you? Eventually I decided 278 00:13:38.679 --> 00:13:40.799 I had to confront something, if not the whole issue, 279 00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:44.279 just the way I felt so. Over dinner the following Tuesday, 280 00:13:44.360 --> 00:13:46.759 I asked Dylan lightly if he was starting to feel 281 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:49.360 like a professional athlete with all these new cycling routines. 282 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:53.039 He gave a genuine sounding chuckle. I allowed the question 283 00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:56.279 to unfold. It feels like you're always out, babe, says, 284 00:13:56.360 --> 00:13:59.279 trying to keep the accusation out of my tone. Sometimes 285 00:13:59.320 --> 00:14:02.039 I'm jealous of your bike. His face relaxed a little, 286 00:14:02.039 --> 00:14:04.600 a flash of the old humor. You're welcome to it, 287 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:07.679 he replied, assuminia wan thighs the size of tree trunks. 288 00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:10.320 Are you sure you're not just running from old clatter 289 00:14:10.360 --> 00:14:13.279 at home? I nudge, hoping for some sign of honesty. 290 00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:16.120 Or is this just your way of coping with work stress? 291 00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:19.080 He shot me by pausing, picking up his fork and 292 00:14:19.120 --> 00:14:21.120 fingering the times, the way he always did when trying 293 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:23.519 to buy time for an instant. I thought he really 294 00:14:23.600 --> 00:14:27.159 might say something important, something true. Honestly, work is a mess, 295 00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:30.759 he admitted, voice low. Too many projects, not enough staff. 296 00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:33.480 Cycling just helps me clear my head. Sometimes it feels 297 00:14:33.519 --> 00:14:35.960 easier than dumping it all on you, you know, I 298 00:14:36.039 --> 00:14:38.559 told myself. I believed him as wary as seems, sincere 299 00:14:38.679 --> 00:14:41.480 even tender. He watched me, saw that I still wasn't 300 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:43.879 quite satisfied, and lay his hand on top of mine. 301 00:14:44.440 --> 00:14:46.080 If you ever feel like I'm not here, you can 302 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:49.440 just say so, he said quietly. Then he squeezed my hand, 303 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:51.320 just the way he used to in public when I'd 304 00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:54.240 need reassuring the next week, he made a few gestures 305 00:14:54.279 --> 00:14:57.159 towards reconnecting. He suggested dinner at our favorite tas spot, 306 00:14:57.240 --> 00:14:59.960 attended our mutual friend's birthday, lingered at home over koff 307 00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:02.440 in the morning. He put an effort, and for a 308 00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:04.919 few days I wondered if maybe I'd let anxiety drive 309 00:15:04.919 --> 00:15:06.759 her wedge. And he was right that I just needed 310 00:15:06.759 --> 00:15:10.000 to trustwort usaw. I confided in Sam about my suspicions, 311 00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:12.919 half laughing them away. Maybe it's just work for both 312 00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:14.799 of us. You know how things always pile up when 313 00:15:14.799 --> 00:15:18.000 you start inventing drama. She tried to convince me it was, 314 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:20.960 in fact nothing out of the ordinary. I don't let 315 00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:23.399 stressy your brain. Sy He's not the type, she said. 316 00:15:24.120 --> 00:15:26.200 For a while, I let myself lean into that comfort. 317 00:15:26.919 --> 00:15:29.159 Things seemed almost normal until the week we were supposed 318 00:15:29.159 --> 00:15:31.600 to go to the cabin. The cabin is a scratched 319 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:33.559 up winter with grain deck chairs and a leaky roof 320 00:15:33.559 --> 00:15:36.159 and a trail only we know by heart. Dylan always 321 00:15:36.200 --> 00:15:39.000 fuss about it, packing snacks, triple checking whether I've remembered 322 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:41.919 the keys. That's Tuesday, two days before we were set 323 00:15:41.960 --> 00:15:43.879 to go, he announced that he wouldn't make it after all, 324 00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:47.000 he claimed, blandly but apologetically, that there was a huge 325 00:15:47.000 --> 00:15:50.039 cycling evented for charity and he couldn't skip out. I 326 00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:52.679 searched for the event online, certain i'd find it. Nothing 327 00:15:52.759 --> 00:15:55.679 came up, not on any of the club's events calendars. 328 00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:58.440 When I pressed him again a joke, maybe I'll come 329 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:01.159 hold your water bottle, embarrassed myself for Instagram. He just 330 00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:04.000 shook his head, lips in a thin smile. It's going 331 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:06.720 to be boring for you, babe, he said, you'd hate it, 332 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:08.960 plas I'd be too distracted with the race. Can we 333 00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:11.679 just do the cabin in Augustine's dead? I nodded, but 334 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:14.799 my stomach dropped. In his eyes a flicker glint that 335 00:16:14.840 --> 00:16:17.759 looked less tired and more cornered. I decided I was 336 00:16:17.799 --> 00:16:20.919 done pretending to myself. The distance was no longer just 337 00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:24.679 about work hope. That ugly thing dissolved in nothing were 338 00:16:24.679 --> 00:16:27.879 replaced by something colder and sharper. I stopped asking him 339 00:16:27.879 --> 00:16:31.039 about the details. If I sound like I'm painting myself 340 00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:33.159 as a victim, it suddenly, because in those few days 341 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:35.320 I genuinely didn't know what to make of the fragments 342 00:16:35.360 --> 00:16:37.600 in front of me. I lacked any story that made sense, 343 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:40.039 except for the uneasy throb of my own instincts, which 344 00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:42.279 I had always prided myself on ignoring when it came 345 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:45.759 to feelings this big. I started checking our share bank statements, 346 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:49.000 something I hadn't bothered with the months, not snooping at first, 347 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:50.919 I just wanted to set aside enough for the cabin 348 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.720 food run on my own. It surprised me the little 349 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:57.200 pattern of upscale restaurants, ride chairs to neighborhoods. We never visited, 350 00:16:57.320 --> 00:16:59.759 random purchases, a flower shop, a tea house, the same 351 00:16:59.799 --> 00:17:04.119 face nearly every Saturday. I tried to construct innocent explanations, 352 00:17:04.200 --> 00:17:07.200 morating a story about bike people's refuel and urban exploration, 353 00:17:07.319 --> 00:17:09.920 though by now even I found the fiction laughable. The 354 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:12.480 next thing I tried was more intrusive. I found Dylan's 355 00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:14.440 all day pad, which he had left logged into his 356 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:17.880 location app used to coordinate cycling meet ups. I watched 357 00:17:17.920 --> 00:17:19.960 his Saturday rats over the past month, not out of 358 00:17:19.960 --> 00:17:22.200 town at all, but mostly clustered around a few parks 359 00:17:22.200 --> 00:17:25.519 in that unfamiliar cafe entire afternoons. He wasn't out with 360 00:17:25.559 --> 00:17:27.920 the guys, but in the same two blocks, coffee breaks 361 00:17:27.960 --> 00:17:31.680 based with irregular precision. I swore softly into the empty kitchen. 362 00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:34.480 My hands were shaking, a little giddy and fearful, a 363 00:17:34.480 --> 00:17:36.759 little furious at myself for feeling like a detective in 364 00:17:36.799 --> 00:17:39.799 my own life. One evening, after Dylan had ducked out 365 00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:42.039 for a bike maintenance, I scrolled through old photos on 366 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:44.680 the cloud drive, matching his advident monk facer feeted the 367 00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:46.519 show a dedelaid to found under a pile of mail 368 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:49.720 perfumes and embedded faintly in the collar. I remembered a 369 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:52.519 single goldduring i'd found months ago, waged under the passenger's 370 00:17:52.519 --> 00:17:55.519 seat of our car. Dylan had said, probably Gensosayer's, so 371 00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:58.920 I'd never asked again. Now I saw it clear. Sunlight 372 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:02.039 clues i'd excused accumulated each one, heavy as a stone 373 00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:04.720 dropped into a well. Still part of me refused to 374 00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:07.799 jump to conclusions. Maybe the club was smaller now and 375 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:11.400 they just focused on recovery rides. Maybe Dylan was anxious 376 00:18:11.480 --> 00:18:16.160 avoiding confrontation. Maybe maybe maybe, But the woman's laugh I'd 377 00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:18.559 held on the phone replayed in memory sharper each time, 378 00:18:19.119 --> 00:18:21.160 and the way he avoided my eyes when asked about 379 00:18:21.160 --> 00:18:23.279 the cabin, the brittle energy in his mile, the tin 380 00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:25.160 set of his jaw as he cleared his plate dinner 381 00:18:25.160 --> 00:18:27.880 after dinner. By then, I was more certain than I 382 00:18:27.880 --> 00:18:29.720 wanted to be that I was circling the wrong story 383 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:31.920 all along, that what felt like distance had become something 384 00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:34.920 more walled off, deliberate. I didn't know how to ask 385 00:18:35.000 --> 00:18:37.480 him for honesty, only how to watch the pattern's calcifire 386 00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:40.240 round us. I couldn't say what I feed most the 387 00:18:40.279 --> 00:18:42.920 possibility that the pillar of honesty was already dust, and 388 00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:44.759 that the rooms of our life together were emptying out. 389 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:48.200 In slow, silent increments, I found myself in new habits. 390 00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:51.559 I'd wake early on weekends now just to check if 391 00:18:51.559 --> 00:18:54.960 he'd left already. I stopped suggesting plans for Sundays, stop 392 00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:57.079 leaving notes for him about milk or the dry cleaner. 393 00:18:57.720 --> 00:19:00.240 I found excuses to stay late at work, measure my 394 00:19:00.240 --> 00:19:04.920 own avoidance against his. We became polite, careful, practiced on paper, 395 00:19:05.000 --> 00:19:07.880 still a perfect team in every other way, separated by 396 00:19:07.880 --> 00:19:10.359 a glass wall. Only I could see when I asked 397 00:19:10.359 --> 00:19:12.319 myself finally, if I could keep living in the deck 398 00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:15.079 ledges of uncertainty, what surprised me. Most was in anger, 399 00:19:15.079 --> 00:19:17.279 our jealousy, but grief, grief for the life I thought 400 00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:19.480 we had, for the trust had always counted on. For 401 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:22.319