Speaker 1: At the onset of autumn, man's ancient instincts to leave
Speaker 1: the cave and to hunt begin to stir. That inherent
Speaker 1: genetic code produces a beckoning from our ancestors to kill
Speaker 1: and gather our food. Today we enjoy venison, elk, and
Speaker 1: moose steaks, not too much different than early North American
Speaker 1: tribes enjoyed a good mammoth or giant sloth tenderloin over
Speaker 1: a fire built at the site of the kill. Hunting
Speaker 1: is part of who we are. Sporting good sales skyrocket
Speaker 1: as men of this era spend absurd amounts of money
Speaker 1: on anything from a bottle of dough urine to a
Speaker 1: ninety thousand dollars pickup truck to be able to get
Speaker 1: to the woods and hunt on a ten thousand dollars
Speaker 1: per year lease in a few restless and freezing hours
Speaker 1: in a tree stand to finally utter the words to
Speaker 1: their wives upon their return, I got one. She rolls
Speaker 1: her eyes but remains silent as her husband tracks mud
Speaker 1: onto their kitchen floor while holding several pieces of an
Speaker 1: unprofessionally butchered deer that leaves a blood trail from the
Speaker 1: garage door to the sink At which point the man states,
Speaker 1: in his best Clint Eastwood impersonation, I'm feeding my family.
Speaker 1: The wife rolls her eyes, looks at the refrigerator full
Speaker 1: of food that she had just returned from the grocery store,
Speaker 1: and walks into the living room to watch American Idol.
Speaker 1: She knows to let Tarzan have his moment. This story
Speaker 1: is about one of those men. His name is Frank Tucker,
Speaker 1: Frank the Tank. Tucker. Frank played football for a small
Speaker 1: Mississippi town high school, and he was good at it.
Speaker 1: Frank was an offensive lineman. He was and is six
Speaker 1: foot five inches tall, and in high school he weighed
Speaker 1: just under three hundred pounds. No one made a tackle
Speaker 1: on Frank's side of the line. The coach installed a
Speaker 1: play that called for Frank to pull from the right
Speaker 1: of the line to clear the way for a left
Speaker 1: end suite inside the ten yard line. The play was
Speaker 1: a great success, and Frank was fast and he plowed
Speaker 1: down anyone who was unlucky enough to be between him
Speaker 1: and the ball carrier. The coach named Frank the Tank
Speaker 1: the first time they ran the play and scored, and
Speaker 1: thirty years later the name stix. Frank is a big
Speaker 1: and powerful man. Still you know it when he walks
Speaker 1: into a room. Now you might think Frank is a
Speaker 1: macho type, but he's not. Frank is one of the
Speaker 1: most general souls you will meet, and somewhat of an introvert.
Speaker 1: He doesn't talk much. Frank is married and he has
Speaker 1: raised three lovely daughters, and he loves his wife. Frank
Speaker 1: is actually a great guy, and everybody loves him. But
Speaker 1: Frank has some quirks that you might find strange, even funny,
Speaker 1: but don't mention it if you ever meet him, you
Speaker 1: might embarrass the man. First, Frank is afraid of bugs,
Speaker 1: any kind of bug. House Flies even make him shiver.
Speaker 1: He told me once that he goes through a case
Speaker 1: of insect repellent every spring. In summer, you can always
Speaker 1: smell the substance on him. If he leaves the house.
Speaker 1: He covers every inch of his body with the spray,
Speaker 1: and then he tops it off with a repellent lotion
Speaker 1: on his hands and ankles and face. There's a name
Speaker 1: for this phobia, but I can't think of what it is.
Speaker 1: The second, Frank is afraid of the dark. His mother
Speaker 1: says that even as an infant, he could not sleep
Speaker 1: without a light in the room, and to this day
Speaker 1: his wife has never slept in a dark room because
Speaker 1: Frank needs four night lights glowing to fall asleep. I've
Speaker 1: never asked him what he's afraid of. I suppose we
Speaker 1: will never know unless one of you good people has
Speaker 1: the brass to ask the giant man that question. There's
Speaker 1: a name for this phobia as well, and again I
Speaker 1: don't know what that is either. Frank's last quirk is
Speaker 1: that he's terrified of bigfoot. Frank has never seen a bigfoot,
Speaker 1: but he knows they are there. One of his friends
Speaker 1: loaned him a book on the subject in middle school
Speaker 1: and he became obsessed. And since then, Frank has read
Speaker 1: everything he can find on bigfoot. He's watched every movie
Speaker 1: and probably read all the social media stuff on the Internet.
Speaker 1: To state that Frank is a hardcore believer is to
Speaker 1: underscore the point. But he never talks about bigfoot. So
Speaker 1: how do I know that he's afraid of bigfoot? Since
Speaker 1: he never talks about got it? You might ask that question, Well,
Speaker 1: I'm about to tell you Frank also loves to deer hunt.
Speaker 1: It is his other passion, and in the fall he
Speaker 1: gets the itch just like all the other hunters in
Speaker 1: the southern region, but Frank goes about it a bit differently.
Speaker 1: For example, most hunters will set up a stand or
Speaker 1: blind at the edge of a field so they can
Speaker 1: see everything moving as it comes into the open areas
Speaker 1: a Frank places his shooting platform in the middle of
Speaker 1: the field, which isn't the worst thing to do, mind you,
Speaker 1: but his reasons are different than those of you who
Speaker 1: hunt this way. The thought of bigfoot sneaking up behind
Speaker 1: him from the woods gives him the willies, so he
Speaker 1: sits a shooting house in the middle of the field
Speaker 1: so he can see bigfoot coming from whatever direction. Frank
Speaker 1: is a planner. Being afraid of the dark also causes
Speaker 1: him to do things differently. Most of us walk into
Speaker 1: the woods with a single headlamp or flashlight, and there
Speaker 1: are times that I never turned mine on when the
Speaker 1: moon is out. But Frank takes several lights and he
Speaker 1: uses every one of them. He has two lights he
Speaker 1: wears on his head. Their bicycle lights he bought off
Speaker 1: an eBay that have four hundred lumen or whatever you
Speaker 1: call that. These were the brightest that he could find,
Speaker 1: and they came with head straps again. One of these
Speaker 1: is the brightest bicycle light you can buy, and he
Speaker 1: uses two of them. Frank figured out a way to
Speaker 1: get both lights on one headstrap, and he lights the
Speaker 1: woods in front of him like a Chevy pickup truck.
Speaker 1: It is amazing. I walked in with him one morning
Speaker 1: a few years ago, and I could see all the
Speaker 1: way into Tennessee. He also straps two regular four hundred
Speaker 1: Loomen headlights to the back of his head so that
Speaker 1: the light shines behind him, and on his pack he
Speaker 1: uses four lights of some sort that shine to his
Speaker 1: left and to his right, on each side, hung from
Speaker 1: the chest straps. A hunter we all know that hunts
Speaker 1: with Frank said that one day he had settled into
Speaker 1: his stand early and he saw Frank coming into the
Speaker 1: field from several counties over. He was sure it was
Speaker 1: an alien invasion of the third kind. He was actually
Speaker 1: a bit concerned until Frank stopped and coughed and then farted.
Speaker 1: Then he knew it was Frank. Yes, he heard both
Speaker 1: of these from several hundred yards away, and once he
Speaker 1: knew it was Frank, he settled in and finished his coffee.
Speaker 1: Frank's theory is that Bigfoot will never know which direction
Speaker 1: he is walking and will not attack him. I think
Speaker 1: I agree with that theory. Who would ever know which
Speaker 1: way Frank is facing, even Bigfoot with all those lights.
Speaker 1: Now I'm not an expert on rifles. I know my rifle,
Speaker 1: but that's about it. But Frank has an assortment of rifles.
Speaker 1: He carries two into the woods when he hunts. It
Speaker 1: has been discussed between some of us whether this is
Speaker 1: legal or not, but no one wants to broach the
Speaker 1: subject with Frank. He's a bit touchy about the whole thing.
Speaker 1: I think he carries a bolt rifle chambered in three
Speaker 1: eight for the deer, and an additional rifle that shoots
Speaker 1: a fifty caliber bullet for the bigfoot. It's a McMillan
Speaker 1: rifle of some variety that marines use to shoot people
Speaker 1: through concrete walls and blow holes in engine blocks of tanks.
Speaker 1: The fifty is Frank's bigfoot rifle. He says, if he
Speaker 1: sees one coming, he can hit it from a distance
Speaker 1: and stay out of danger, or he can drop mister
Speaker 1: foot before he gets to him. Neither you or I
Speaker 1: could carry two rifles of that size a mile to
Speaker 1: a deer stand, But Frank has no issues with that. Again,
Speaker 1: Frank is a big and powerful man, and I must
Speaker 1: say he looks awesome walking into the woods with a
Speaker 1: fifty cow bolt rifle strapped to his back, with all
Speaker 1: those lights making night into daytime. It is a sight
Speaker 1: to see. Last year season, Frank called me on a
Speaker 1: Friday night and asked if I wanted to go hunting
Speaker 1: with him on his place. He didn't invite me, he
Speaker 1: asked me to please go with him, almost like he
Speaker 1: was begging. I remember the phone call. I picked up
Speaker 1: and Frank said, Jimmy, what are you doing this weekend? Well, nothing,
Speaker 1: I guess I might try to hunt a little Sunday morning.
Speaker 1: I said, okay, you come hunt with me tomorrow. Can
Speaker 1: you make it? I need you there. I mean, I
Speaker 1: would love to see you, buddy. Frank had invited me
Speaker 1: to hunt his place before, but something was different about
Speaker 1: his tone. Yeah, sure, Frank, I'd love to. Are you
Speaker 1: needing help with something on your place? I just need
Speaker 1: to make sure Karen doesn't need me for anything in
Speaker 1: the morning. Can I call you back in an hour? Yeah, yeah, Jimmy,
Speaker 1: call me back as soon as you can. And Frank
Speaker 1: hung up. That was weird, I thought. I cleared it
Speaker 1: with my wife and called Frank back to tell him
Speaker 1: that I would meet him at the gate at five
Speaker 1: point thirty the next morning. Frank's demeanor changed, almost like
Speaker 1: he was relieved, saying, okay, Jimmy, that sounds great. I
Speaker 1: see you in the morning. I rolled up to the
Speaker 1: gate the next morning. It's going to be a glorious
Speaker 1: day because the weather was forecast to be perfect, and
Speaker 1: I was excited. Frank had already parked at the gate
Speaker 1: when I arrived. I got out and we shook hands
Speaker 1: and we talked him in it, and then he asked
Speaker 1: me where I wanted to hunt. So I told him
Speaker 1: I was thinking I would hunt that ridge on the
Speaker 1: east side of the property, you know the place you
Speaker 1: put me last time. I said, there's always bucks chasing
Speaker 1: does on that ridge. Maybe I'll get lucky. His reply
Speaker 1: was quick, Now, now, you don't want to hunt way
Speaker 1: up there. Those bucks are running close to the field.
Speaker 1: You should be on that little rise above my field
Speaker 1: and catch him coming in there. Frank like he was
Speaker 1: thinking hard about what to say next, and then he
Speaker 1: spit it out. Look, Jimmy, I was in here Wednesday late.
Speaker 1: I heard the most god awful scream come from the
Speaker 1: lower end of my field. I think the bigfoots have
Speaker 1: migrated to my place, Jimmy, and I'm sure he's looking
Speaker 1: for a mate. That's the truth. I don't want you
Speaker 1: up there on that ridge by yourself. Plus I've got
Speaker 1: this big gun, and if he shows up, I can
Speaker 1: handle him and keep us both safe. Well, I wasn't
Speaker 1: sure what to say. I'd never heard anyone say things
Speaker 1: like this to me. You need to know that Bigfoot
Speaker 1: was never a topic of discussion between Frank and other people.
Speaker 1: I don't know if folks are afraid to talk about
Speaker 1: it with Frank or what, but I do know the
Speaker 1: subject is avoided somehow. We just all knew Frank's issue
Speaker 1: with bigfoot. Now here he was talking about it out loud.
Speaker 1: We all knew he was terrified of Bigfoot. And now
Speaker 1: seeing that terror with my own eyes, and I wasn't
Speaker 1: sure how to respond to him. So I just said, Okay, Frank,
Speaker 1: that sounds good, and I went to my truck and
Speaker 1: I got my gear on. It took me a minute
Speaker 1: to throw on my backpack and sling my rifle. It
Speaker 1: took Frank twenty minutes to rig up all his lights
Speaker 1: and spray himself with a gallon of bug spray and
Speaker 1: strapped both rifles across his back and then buckle in
Speaker 1: his holster, which held some sort of military style looking
Speaker 1: black pistol. He slammed the trunk lid of his car
Speaker 1: down and he turned to me and he grinned, you ready,
Speaker 1: he asked, Been ready for twenty minutes, Frank, I said,
Speaker 1: while rolling my eyes. Frank smiled a little, and he said,
Speaker 1: I know you think I'm crazy, Jimmy. If that thing
Speaker 1: shows up and I'm not prepared, I'd never forgive myself. Now,
Speaker 1: I've studied this topic for years, and Bigfoot could be anywhere.
Speaker 1: He could show up anywhere. And then it all came
Speaker 1: together for me. Frank didn't want me there to have
Speaker 1: a good time and try to kill a buck. He
Speaker 1: wanted me there to walk in into the woods with him.
Speaker 1: He was using me. He was afraid of Bigfoot getting him. Well.
Speaker 1: I was okay with that. Wasn't worried about Bigfoot. But
Speaker 1: I really wanted to hunt that ridge. So I don't
Speaker 1: hold any hard feelings about the day. I looked on
Speaker 1: the positive side, and I thought it was nice that
Speaker 1: he thought of me. It was his place, and I
Speaker 1: would hunt wherever he wanted me to go. And then
Speaker 1: Frank started turning on all his lights. I felt like
Speaker 1: I was at a rock concert. I couldn't see anything. Frank,
Speaker 1: we don't need all those lights. Just turn on your
Speaker 1: headlamp so we can see in front of us. Maybe
Speaker 1: I won't get rentin of damage. Jimmy, we need these
Speaker 1: lights in every direction. I want to blind that bigfoot
Speaker 1: if he comes at me. You're seeing what he will
Speaker 1: be seeing. No way he's going to jump us with
Speaker 1: all these lights on. Frank, whatever you think, Let's get moving,
Speaker 1: I said, and down the trail we started to an observer.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it looked like a magical ferry light floating
Speaker 1: down from the trail. We got to a small ridge
Speaker 1: above his field and he told me to head to
Speaker 1: the stand. We both knew it was just a few
Speaker 1: yards into the woods. I would be set up within
Speaker 1: sight of his shooting house down in the field. Chances
Speaker 1: of either of us taking a deer that day dwindled
Speaker 1: by the minute, and I had already written the day off.
Speaker 1: But I was there, and stranger things have happened. Hell them.
Speaker 1: I didn't get to see a bigfoot. It'd be nice
Speaker 1: morning of coffee and reading my kindle, though I was
Speaker 1: into a good novel at that time. Frank kept moving
Speaker 1: down the trail toward the field. I watched in all
Speaker 1: as the parade float moved through the woods. It was
Speaker 1: still dark, but I could see everything for miles. I
Speaker 1: could see Frank was nervous, and by how slow he
Speaker 1: moved on the trail to his spot. He must have
Speaker 1: always been scared out of his wits when he walked
Speaker 1: to his stand in the dark, and I wondered why
Speaker 1: he even continued to hunt. I guess the terror was
Speaker 1: worth it to have a good venison on the table
Speaker 1: or the chance at the trophy buck. None of us
Speaker 1: will ever know. Frank continued his slow creep down the trail,
Speaker 1: taking baby steps, his head on a swivel. There was
Speaker 1: still no hint of light in the eastern sky, and
Speaker 1: I wanted to yell for him to hurry the hell
Speaker 1: up before the sun came up. I could have been
Speaker 1: there and finished two cups of coffee by now, but
Speaker 1: Frank kept creeping along and had finally made it to
Speaker 1: the edge of the field. There was so much light
Speaker 1: that I could see the leaves scattered in the field
Speaker 1: from one hundred yards up in the woods, and it
Speaker 1: reminded me of a night at the ballpark. And I
Speaker 1: got a few whiffs of insect spray from that distance
Speaker 1: as well. Frank heard something moving to his right, and
Speaker 1: he stopped and looked into the woods. His head twitched
Speaker 1: back and forth, looking for the source of the noise.
Speaker 1: Apparently satisfied it was not a bigfoot sneaking up on him,
Speaker 1: he took two more steps and a covey of birds
Speaker 1: exploded out of the grass and into the field. I
Speaker 1: heard it clearly. There's no mistaking that sound. We don't
Speaker 1: have any quail left in Mississippi, but I know the
Speaker 1: sound from my younger years hunting birds with my father.
Speaker 1: And when the birds flushed, Frank thought it was a
Speaker 1: bigfoot attacking him, and he passed out from sheer terror.
Speaker 1: I heard a deep thud, as if something were hitting
Speaker 1: the ground, but I never guessed it was his body
Speaker 1: thumping into the dirt. Of course, I thought Frank had
Speaker 1: gotten spooked and decided to stand where he was until
Speaker 1: the sun came up so that he could see better. Nope,
Speaker 1: Frank was out like a light, but I didn't know
Speaker 1: that yet. I settled into my stand and finished my
Speaker 1: coffee and started looking for any movement in the woods.
Speaker 1: Daylight had begun to creep into the eastern horizon, and
Speaker 1: I panned the woods and I got my bearings. Nothing
Speaker 1: was moving. I pulled out my kindle and started reading.
Speaker 1: This was a really good book I had my hands on.
Speaker 1: Frank was not even on my mind, and after an
Speaker 1: hour or so, I put the book down and paned
Speaker 1: the woods again. I looked at Frank's shooting house and
Speaker 1: I didn't see anything moving, so I figured he had
Speaker 1: made it in there and settled in. But as I
Speaker 1: panned to my left, I noticed the lights. There were
Speaker 1: Frank's lights. They were still motionless on the ground, out
Speaker 1: on the edge of the field. Hard to make out
Speaker 1: with the sun shining on the field, but even in
Speaker 1: the full daylight of a Mississippi morning, I could see
Speaker 1: those lights clearly now that I focused in. Huh, I wondered,
Speaker 1: he should have turned those lights off by now. If
Speaker 1: Bigfoot coming, surely Frank could see him by now. Another
Speaker 1: twenty minutes creeped by, and I began to worry a
Speaker 1: bit because the lights never moved. It was time to
Speaker 1: go check on Big Frank. I climbed down and I
Speaker 1: made my way to the edge of the field, and
Speaker 1: there Frank was laying flat on his back and he
Speaker 1: was snoring. Had Frank laid down and fallen asleep? I wondered.
Speaker 1: I walked over to him and bent down to make
Speaker 1: sure he was alive, and he was. I reached down
Speaker 1: and shook him gently, saying his name a few times.
Speaker 1: Frank's eyes flickered open and shut with a few flutters,
Speaker 1: and then a panic set in. He was reaching for
Speaker 1: my throat, but he got my shirt collar instead, and
Speaker 1: he dragged me to the ground with him with those
Speaker 1: massive hands and was reaching for his side arm. When
Speaker 1: I saw that, I started yelling and screaming in his
Speaker 1: face that it was me, It was me. He kept
Speaker 1: reaching and missing the pistol until he finally slowed down
Speaker 1: just for a second and realized he had his friend
Speaker 1: in his grip. And when he realized it was me,
Speaker 1: I said, what the hell's going on? Frank? Are you okay?
Speaker 1: He rolled over and pushed himself up on all fours
Speaker 1: and he took a few deep breaths. That thing attacked me. Jimmy,
Speaker 1: did you see it? What thing attacked you? Frank? You
Speaker 1: big dummy bigfoot? Did you not see it? Well? I
Speaker 1: watched you walk all the way down this hill and
Speaker 1: I didn't see anything. You're crazy. He said, that thing
Speaker 1: was creeping along in the brush beside me, and then
Speaker 1: it attacked me. Typical Bigfoot stalking tactics. Jimmy, you didn't
Speaker 1: see it. I can't believe you didn't see it. I
Speaker 1: didn't see anything, but if you say it was Bigfoot,
Speaker 1: then I believe you. Frank. Well, I knew that it
Speaker 1: was a covey of birds that set him off, but
Speaker 1: I wasn't going to burst his bubble. Frank got up
Speaker 1: and dusted himself off. I could never stand up that
Speaker 1: quickly with fifty pounds of rifles strapped to me, but
Speaker 1: he bounced uff like a little kid. And then Frank
Speaker 1: looked up at the full blazing sun we were under,
Speaker 1: and he asked me for the time. I told him
Speaker 1: it was around eight thirty, and he looked at the
Speaker 1: ground in disbelief and whispered, was I off for two hours? Apparently?
Speaker 1: I said, I wonder why Bigfoot didn't finish me off?
Speaker 1: He said, he had a quizzical look about his face.
Speaker 1: I don't know, Frank. Maybe it was that smell coming
Speaker 1: from your breeches. Oh man, Frank said, I think I
Speaker 1: shot myself. Yeah, there ain't no doubt about that, I said,
Speaker 1: and I moved away from the giant to get some air.
Speaker 1: I need to get home and get cleaned up. Jimmy,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry about all this. Thanks for coming with me.
Speaker 1: You're welcome to stay and hunt all day if you want. Oh, Frank,
Speaker 1: I had a great time. Thanks for inviting me. I
Speaker 1: think I all had on home. I got stuff doing
Speaker 1: around the house. The wind was at our back, so
Speaker 1: I stayed behind Frank so I could breathe. Poor guy.
Speaker 1: I helped Frank lotus gear in his car, and Frank
Speaker 1: laid paper towels all over his seat cushions and climbed
Speaker 1: his huge frame in the sedan and drove out ahead
Speaker 1: of me. I stood by the truck for a while,
Speaker 1: and I took in the woods and the smells and
Speaker 1: the light and the fall colors. I took a deep breath,
Speaker 1: and I just stayed in the moment. I was at
Speaker 1: peace and loving being there, Even if the hunt had
Speaker 1: been a disaster. I started moving to the open door
Speaker 1: of my truck, and from down in the area of Franksfield,
Speaker 1: I heard a series of deep moans that chilled me
Speaker 1: to the bone. Was a Bigfoot? I started the truck
Speaker 1: and I drove away. I have Frank's permission to tell
Speaker 1: this story. He thinks it will be good information for
Speaker 1: those of us who spend time in the woods. He's
Speaker 1: hoping that some of you good people learn few defense
Speaker 1: techniques against an attacking bigfoot. If Frank ever invites me back,
Speaker 1: I'm bringing a pair of sunglasses and a roll of
Speaker 1: paper towels in case Bigfoot shows up again. I don't
Speaker 1: know for sure if Frank still thinks that Bigfoot attacked
Speaker 1: that early morning in November. I told him what I
Speaker 1: thought made the ruckus, but I don't think he believes me.