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Speaker 1: At the onset of autumn, man's ancient instincts to leave

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the cave and to hunt begin to stir. That inherent

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genetic code produces a beckoning from our ancestors to kill

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and gather our food. Today we enjoy venison, elk, and

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moose steaks, not too much different than early North American

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tribes enjoyed a good mammoth or giant sloth tenderloin over

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a fire built at the site of the kill. Hunting

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is part of who we are. Sporting good sales skyrocket

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as men of this era spend absurd amounts of money

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on anything from a bottle of dough urine to a

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ninety thousand dollars pickup truck to be able to get

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to the woods and hunt on a ten thousand dollars

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per year lease in a few restless and freezing hours

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in a tree stand to finally utter the words to

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their wives upon their return, I got one. She rolls

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her eyes but remains silent as her husband tracks mud

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onto their kitchen floor while holding several pieces of an

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unprofessionally butchered deer that leaves a blood trail from the

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garage door to the sink At which point the man states,

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in his best Clint Eastwood impersonation, I'm feeding my family.

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The wife rolls her eyes, looks at the refrigerator full

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of food that she had just returned from the grocery store,

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and walks into the living room to watch American Idol.

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She knows to let Tarzan have his moment. This story

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is about one of those men. His name is Frank Tucker,

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Frank the Tank. Tucker. Frank played football for a small

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Mississippi town high school, and he was good at it.

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Frank was an offensive lineman. He was and is six

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foot five inches tall, and in high school he weighed

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just under three hundred pounds. No one made a tackle

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on Frank's side of the line. The coach installed a

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play that called for Frank to pull from the right

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of the line to clear the way for a left

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end suite inside the ten yard line. The play was

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a great success, and Frank was fast and he plowed

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down anyone who was unlucky enough to be between him

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and the ball carrier. The coach named Frank the Tank

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the first time they ran the play and scored, and

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thirty years later the name stix. Frank is a big

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and powerful man. Still you know it when he walks

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into a room. Now you might think Frank is a

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macho type, but he's not. Frank is one of the

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most general souls you will meet, and somewhat of an introvert.

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He doesn't talk much. Frank is married and he has

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raised three lovely daughters, and he loves his wife. Frank

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is actually a great guy, and everybody loves him. But

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Frank has some quirks that you might find strange, even funny,

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but don't mention it if you ever meet him, you

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might embarrass the man. First, Frank is afraid of bugs,

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any kind of bug. House Flies even make him shiver.

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He told me once that he goes through a case

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of insect repellent every spring. In summer, you can always

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smell the substance on him. If he leaves the house.

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He covers every inch of his body with the spray,

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and then he tops it off with a repellent lotion

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on his hands and ankles and face. There's a name

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for this phobia, but I can't think of what it is.

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The second, Frank is afraid of the dark. His mother

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says that even as an infant, he could not sleep

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without a light in the room, and to this day

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his wife has never slept in a dark room because

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Frank needs four night lights glowing to fall asleep. I've

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never asked him what he's afraid of. I suppose we

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will never know unless one of you good people has

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the brass to ask the giant man that question. There's

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a name for this phobia as well, and again I

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don't know what that is either. Frank's last quirk is

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that he's terrified of bigfoot. Frank has never seen a bigfoot,

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but he knows they are there. One of his friends

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loaned him a book on the subject in middle school

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and he became obsessed. And since then, Frank has read

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everything he can find on bigfoot. He's watched every movie

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and probably read all the social media stuff on the Internet.

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To state that Frank is a hardcore believer is to

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underscore the point. But he never talks about bigfoot. So

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how do I know that he's afraid of bigfoot? Since

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he never talks about got it? You might ask that question, Well,

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I'm about to tell you Frank also loves to deer hunt.

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It is his other passion, and in the fall he

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gets the itch just like all the other hunters in

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the southern region, but Frank goes about it a bit differently.

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For example, most hunters will set up a stand or

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blind at the edge of a field so they can

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see everything moving as it comes into the open areas

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a Frank places his shooting platform in the middle of

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the field, which isn't the worst thing to do, mind you,

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but his reasons are different than those of you who

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hunt this way. The thought of bigfoot sneaking up behind

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him from the woods gives him the willies, so he

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sits a shooting house in the middle of the field

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so he can see bigfoot coming from whatever direction. Frank

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is a planner. Being afraid of the dark also causes

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him to do things differently. Most of us walk into

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the woods with a single headlamp or flashlight, and there

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are times that I never turned mine on when the

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moon is out. But Frank takes several lights and he

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uses every one of them. He has two lights he

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wears on his head. Their bicycle lights he bought off

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an eBay that have four hundred lumen or whatever you

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call that. These were the brightest that he could find,

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and they came with head straps again. One of these

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is the brightest bicycle light you can buy, and he

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uses two of them. Frank figured out a way to

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get both lights on one headstrap, and he lights the

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woods in front of him like a Chevy pickup truck.

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It is amazing. I walked in with him one morning

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a few years ago, and I could see all the

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way into Tennessee. He also straps two regular four hundred

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Loomen headlights to the back of his head so that

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the light shines behind him, and on his pack he

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uses four lights of some sort that shine to his

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left and to his right, on each side, hung from

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the chest straps. A hunter we all know that hunts

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with Frank said that one day he had settled into

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his stand early and he saw Frank coming into the

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field from several counties over. He was sure it was

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an alien invasion of the third kind. He was actually

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a bit concerned until Frank stopped and coughed and then farted.

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Then he knew it was Frank. Yes, he heard both

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of these from several hundred yards away, and once he

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knew it was Frank, he settled in and finished his coffee.

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Frank's theory is that Bigfoot will never know which direction

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he is walking and will not attack him. I think

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I agree with that theory. Who would ever know which

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way Frank is facing, even Bigfoot with all those lights.

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Now I'm not an expert on rifles. I know my rifle,

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but that's about it. But Frank has an assortment of rifles.

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He carries two into the woods when he hunts. It

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has been discussed between some of us whether this is

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legal or not, but no one wants to broach the

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subject with Frank. He's a bit touchy about the whole thing.

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I think he carries a bolt rifle chambered in three

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eight for the deer, and an additional rifle that shoots

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a fifty caliber bullet for the bigfoot. It's a McMillan

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rifle of some variety that marines use to shoot people

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through concrete walls and blow holes in engine blocks of tanks.

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The fifty is Frank's bigfoot rifle. He says, if he

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sees one coming, he can hit it from a distance

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and stay out of danger, or he can drop mister

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foot before he gets to him. Neither you or I

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could carry two rifles of that size a mile to

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a deer stand, But Frank has no issues with that. Again,

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Frank is a big and powerful man, and I must

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say he looks awesome walking into the woods with a

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fifty cow bolt rifle strapped to his back, with all

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those lights making night into daytime. It is a sight

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to see. Last year season, Frank called me on a

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Friday night and asked if I wanted to go hunting

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with him on his place. He didn't invite me, he

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asked me to please go with him, almost like he

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was begging. I remember the phone call. I picked up

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and Frank said, Jimmy, what are you doing this weekend? Well, nothing,

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I guess I might try to hunt a little Sunday morning.

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I said, okay, you come hunt with me tomorrow. Can

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you make it? I need you there. I mean, I

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would love to see you, buddy. Frank had invited me

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to hunt his place before, but something was different about

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his tone. Yeah, sure, Frank, I'd love to. Are you

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needing help with something on your place? I just need

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to make sure Karen doesn't need me for anything in

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the morning. Can I call you back in an hour? Yeah, yeah, Jimmy,

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call me back as soon as you can. And Frank

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hung up. That was weird, I thought. I cleared it

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with my wife and called Frank back to tell him

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that I would meet him at the gate at five

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point thirty the next morning. Frank's demeanor changed, almost like

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he was relieved, saying, okay, Jimmy, that sounds great. I

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see you in the morning. I rolled up to the

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gate the next morning. It's going to be a glorious

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day because the weather was forecast to be perfect, and

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I was excited. Frank had already parked at the gate

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when I arrived. I got out and we shook hands

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and we talked him in it, and then he asked

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me where I wanted to hunt. So I told him

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I was thinking I would hunt that ridge on the

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east side of the property, you know the place you

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put me last time. I said, there's always bucks chasing

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does on that ridge. Maybe I'll get lucky. His reply

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was quick, Now, now, you don't want to hunt way

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up there. Those bucks are running close to the field.

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You should be on that little rise above my field

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and catch him coming in there. Frank like he was

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thinking hard about what to say next, and then he

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spit it out. Look, Jimmy, I was in here Wednesday late.

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I heard the most god awful scream come from the

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lower end of my field. I think the bigfoots have

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migrated to my place, Jimmy, and I'm sure he's looking

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for a mate. That's the truth. I don't want you

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up there on that ridge by yourself. Plus I've got

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this big gun, and if he shows up, I can

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handle him and keep us both safe. Well, I wasn't

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sure what to say. I'd never heard anyone say things

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like this to me. You need to know that Bigfoot

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was never a topic of discussion between Frank and other people.

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I don't know if folks are afraid to talk about

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it with Frank or what, but I do know the

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subject is avoided somehow. We just all knew Frank's issue

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with bigfoot. Now here he was talking about it out loud.

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We all knew he was terrified of Bigfoot. And now

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seeing that terror with my own eyes, and I wasn't

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sure how to respond to him. So I just said, Okay, Frank,

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that sounds good, and I went to my truck and

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I got my gear on. It took me a minute

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to throw on my backpack and sling my rifle. It

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took Frank twenty minutes to rig up all his lights

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and spray himself with a gallon of bug spray and

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strapped both rifles across his back and then buckle in

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his holster, which held some sort of military style looking

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black pistol. He slammed the trunk lid of his car

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down and he turned to me and he grinned, you ready,

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he asked, Been ready for twenty minutes, Frank, I said,

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while rolling my eyes. Frank smiled a little, and he said,

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I know you think I'm crazy, Jimmy. If that thing

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shows up and I'm not prepared, I'd never forgive myself. Now,

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I've studied this topic for years, and Bigfoot could be anywhere.

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He could show up anywhere. And then it all came

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together for me. Frank didn't want me there to have

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a good time and try to kill a buck. He

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wanted me there to walk in into the woods with him.

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He was using me. He was afraid of Bigfoot getting him. Well.

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I was okay with that. Wasn't worried about Bigfoot. But

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I really wanted to hunt that ridge. So I don't

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hold any hard feelings about the day. I looked on

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the positive side, and I thought it was nice that

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he thought of me. It was his place, and I

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would hunt wherever he wanted me to go. And then

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Frank started turning on all his lights. I felt like

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I was at a rock concert. I couldn't see anything. Frank,

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we don't need all those lights. Just turn on your

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headlamp so we can see in front of us. Maybe

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I won't get rentin of damage. Jimmy, we need these

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lights in every direction. I want to blind that bigfoot

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if he comes at me. You're seeing what he will

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be seeing. No way he's going to jump us with

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all these lights on. Frank, whatever you think, Let's get moving,

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I said, and down the trail we started to an observer.

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I'm sure it looked like a magical ferry light floating

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down from the trail. We got to a small ridge

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above his field and he told me to head to

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the stand. We both knew it was just a few

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yards into the woods. I would be set up within

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sight of his shooting house down in the field. Chances

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of either of us taking a deer that day dwindled

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by the minute, and I had already written the day off.

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But I was there, and stranger things have happened. Hell them.

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I didn't get to see a bigfoot. It'd be nice

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morning of coffee and reading my kindle, though I was

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into a good novel at that time. Frank kept moving

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down the trail toward the field. I watched in all

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as the parade float moved through the woods. It was

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still dark, but I could see everything for miles. I

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could see Frank was nervous, and by how slow he

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moved on the trail to his spot. He must have

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always been scared out of his wits when he walked

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to his stand in the dark, and I wondered why

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he even continued to hunt. I guess the terror was

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worth it to have a good venison on the table

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or the chance at the trophy buck. None of us

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will ever know. Frank continued his slow creep down the trail,

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taking baby steps, his head on a swivel. There was

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still no hint of light in the eastern sky, and

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I wanted to yell for him to hurry the hell

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up before the sun came up. I could have been

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there and finished two cups of coffee by now, but

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Frank kept creeping along and had finally made it to

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the edge of the field. There was so much light

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that I could see the leaves scattered in the field

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from one hundred yards up in the woods, and it

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reminded me of a night at the ballpark. And I

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got a few whiffs of insect spray from that distance

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as well. Frank heard something moving to his right, and

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he stopped and looked into the woods. His head twitched

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back and forth, looking for the source of the noise.

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Apparently satisfied it was not a bigfoot sneaking up on him,

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he took two more steps and a covey of birds

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exploded out of the grass and into the field. I

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heard it clearly. There's no mistaking that sound. We don't

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have any quail left in Mississippi, but I know the

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sound from my younger years hunting birds with my father.

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And when the birds flushed, Frank thought it was a

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bigfoot attacking him, and he passed out from sheer terror.

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I heard a deep thud, as if something were hitting

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the ground, but I never guessed it was his body

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thumping into the dirt. Of course, I thought Frank had

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gotten spooked and decided to stand where he was until

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the sun came up so that he could see better. Nope,

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Frank was out like a light, but I didn't know

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that yet. I settled into my stand and finished my

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coffee and started looking for any movement in the woods.

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Daylight had begun to creep into the eastern horizon, and

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I panned the woods and I got my bearings. Nothing

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was moving. I pulled out my kindle and started reading.

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This was a really good book I had my hands on.

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Frank was not even on my mind, and after an

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hour or so, I put the book down and paned

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the woods again. I looked at Frank's shooting house and

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I didn't see anything moving, so I figured he had

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made it in there and settled in. But as I

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panned to my left, I noticed the lights. There were

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Frank's lights. They were still motionless on the ground, out

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on the edge of the field. Hard to make out

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with the sun shining on the field, but even in

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the full daylight of a Mississippi morning, I could see

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those lights clearly now that I focused in. Huh, I wondered,

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he should have turned those lights off by now. If

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Bigfoot coming, surely Frank could see him by now. Another

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twenty minutes creeped by, and I began to worry a

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bit because the lights never moved. It was time to

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go check on Big Frank. I climbed down and I

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made my way to the edge of the field, and

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there Frank was laying flat on his back and he

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was snoring. Had Frank laid down and fallen asleep? I wondered.

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I walked over to him and bent down to make

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sure he was alive, and he was. I reached down

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and shook him gently, saying his name a few times.

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Frank's eyes flickered open and shut with a few flutters,

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and then a panic set in. He was reaching for

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my throat, but he got my shirt collar instead, and

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he dragged me to the ground with him with those

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massive hands and was reaching for his side arm. When

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I saw that, I started yelling and screaming in his

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face that it was me, It was me. He kept

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reaching and missing the pistol until he finally slowed down

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just for a second and realized he had his friend

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in his grip. And when he realized it was me,

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I said, what the hell's going on? Frank? Are you okay?

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He rolled over and pushed himself up on all fours

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and he took a few deep breaths. That thing attacked me. Jimmy,

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did you see it? What thing attacked you? Frank? You

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big dummy bigfoot? Did you not see it? Well? I

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watched you walk all the way down this hill and

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I didn't see anything. You're crazy. He said, that thing

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was creeping along in the brush beside me, and then

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it attacked me. Typical Bigfoot stalking tactics. Jimmy, you didn't

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see it. I can't believe you didn't see it. I

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didn't see anything, but if you say it was Bigfoot,

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then I believe you. Frank. Well, I knew that it

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was a covey of birds that set him off, but

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I wasn't going to burst his bubble. Frank got up

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and dusted himself off. I could never stand up that

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quickly with fifty pounds of rifles strapped to me, but

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he bounced uff like a little kid. And then Frank

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looked up at the full blazing sun we were under,

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and he asked me for the time. I told him

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it was around eight thirty, and he looked at the

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ground in disbelief and whispered, was I off for two hours? Apparently?

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I said, I wonder why Bigfoot didn't finish me off?

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He said, he had a quizzical look about his face.

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I don't know, Frank. Maybe it was that smell coming

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from your breeches. Oh man, Frank said, I think I

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shot myself. Yeah, there ain't no doubt about that, I said,

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and I moved away from the giant to get some air.

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I need to get home and get cleaned up. Jimmy,

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I'm sorry about all this. Thanks for coming with me.

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You're welcome to stay and hunt all day if you want. Oh, Frank,

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I had a great time. Thanks for inviting me. I

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think I all had on home. I got stuff doing

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around the house. The wind was at our back, so

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I stayed behind Frank so I could breathe. Poor guy.

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I helped Frank lotus gear in his car, and Frank

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laid paper towels all over his seat cushions and climbed

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his huge frame in the sedan and drove out ahead

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of me. I stood by the truck for a while,

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and I took in the woods and the smells and

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the light and the fall colors. I took a deep breath,

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and I just stayed in the moment. I was at

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peace and loving being there, Even if the hunt had

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been a disaster. I started moving to the open door

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of my truck, and from down in the area of Franksfield,

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I heard a series of deep moans that chilled me

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to the bone. Was a Bigfoot? I started the truck

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and I drove away. I have Frank's permission to tell

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this story. He thinks it will be good information for

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those of us who spend time in the woods. He's

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hoping that some of you good people learn few defense

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techniques against an attacking bigfoot. If Frank ever invites me back,

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I'm bringing a pair of sunglasses and a roll of

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paper towels in case Bigfoot shows up again. I don't

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know for sure if Frank still thinks that Bigfoot attacked

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that early morning in November. I told him what I

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thought made the ruckus, but I don't think he believes me.