WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:05.559 I'm Ali. 2 00:00:05.879 --> 00:00:08.320 I came out after twenty years of marriage and I 3 00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:09.400 have three kids. 4 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.359 I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came 5 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:14.960 out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage. 6 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.239 This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles 7 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:20.719 and victories that come with it. 8 00:00:21.160 --> 00:00:22.920 When coming out feels like the end of the world, 9 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:24.920 but it's really just the beginning. 10 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:35.159 This is the Lesbian Chronicles. 11 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:39.280 Welcome to Lesbian Chronicles. Look at my new hat? Is 12 00:00:39.320 --> 00:00:41.119 that a new one? No, it's all totally new, but 13 00:00:41.159 --> 00:00:42.039 I never wear it. 14 00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:44.320 Did you get the ones that you ordered? 15 00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:47.520 No? Oh, but nobody else worry. 16 00:00:47.719 --> 00:00:49.520 The reason I didn't get it is because it went 17 00:00:49.600 --> 00:00:50.520 to my old address. 18 00:00:50.759 --> 00:00:52.479 I was gonna say, there's no problem with us. 19 00:00:52.520 --> 00:00:53.679 There's a problem. There's a problem. 20 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:59.479 Order away exactly. It was Ali putting in her old address. 21 00:00:59.479 --> 00:01:01.320 I did. I didn't even put it in it just deep. 22 00:01:01.399 --> 00:01:03.240 But the thing is that it must have like default. 23 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:05.840 It must have regressed to that after I did the order, 24 00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:07.239 because I know I typed. 25 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:08.400 In my real address. 26 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:12.560 Yeah, so I must have just like reverted save somewhere 27 00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:14.879 or audio autofill or something. 28 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:16.599 So that's all good. 29 00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:19.799 Anyway, we hopped on here we did not discuss what 30 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:21.719 we were going to banter about right now. 31 00:01:21.799 --> 00:01:23.760 Well, that's because yeah, we have a really we have 32 00:01:23.799 --> 00:01:26.799 a really exciting guest. So but who's not joining us 33 00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:28.319 for a few minutes. So why don't you just tell 34 00:01:28.359 --> 00:01:29.439 me what you're doing this weekend? 35 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:33.359 My daughter's doing a triathlon tomorrow, so go. 36 00:01:33.480 --> 00:01:38.560 Okay, we just spent the entire week in my one 37 00:01:38.599 --> 00:01:42.920 bedroom condo with two kids. Fun, I had no internet, 38 00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:45.280 So how do you do? 39 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:45.840 No internet? 40 00:01:45.879 --> 00:01:45.959 Like? 41 00:01:45.959 --> 00:01:47.519 I don't even know what that would be? Like, how 42 00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:47.799 do you do? 43 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:48.159 Well? 44 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:50.239 I mean, I have a hot spot on my phone, 45 00:01:50.280 --> 00:01:52.959 so I'm able to use that for work, but like 46 00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:56.319 we can't stream anything. We can't like pop on Netflix. 47 00:01:56.319 --> 00:01:58.680 So I had like DVDs and stuff like that, and 48 00:01:58.840 --> 00:01:59.840 they had their iPads. 49 00:02:00.359 --> 00:02:02.760 I need to teach you. What do you guys? We 50 00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:05.439 do slam poetry like off the cuff. 51 00:02:06.079 --> 00:02:10.680 Okay, it's very fun, super normal. A lot of people 52 00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:11.039 do that. 53 00:02:11.400 --> 00:02:13.560 We literally will be like, okay, let's just do it, 54 00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:15.360 and then you're like put on the spot and you 55 00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:18.479 have to like come up with just like something like 56 00:02:18.639 --> 00:02:22.319 dramatic and then like do a whole slam poem and 57 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:24.400 like owen rocks at. 58 00:02:24.280 --> 00:02:26.240 It like he'll I'm sure he'll have like a. 59 00:02:26.199 --> 00:02:29.960 Connector word that's like nest and then it like leads 60 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:32.800 into this thing about a nest and it's like he's brilliant. 61 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.479 I'm pretty good though, I'll get I'm like a seven. 62 00:02:35.639 --> 00:02:36.280 He's like a tech. 63 00:02:36.360 --> 00:02:36.759 It takes. 64 00:02:36.840 --> 00:02:37.879 Can you go for it right now? 65 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:39.560 Let me do it? Let me do it now. 66 00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:41.919 But I'm going to I'll send you a video of 67 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:44.759 one that we did that, okay, I mean it has 68 00:02:44.800 --> 00:02:48.120 to be like a stressful thing. Then it like climaxes 69 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:51.319 to the main event and then it's like you come. 70 00:02:51.159 --> 00:02:54.400 Back, I need to see this. I'm all for improvising 71 00:02:54.639 --> 00:02:57.360 and you know all that stuff. This sounds intimidating to me. 72 00:02:57.800 --> 00:02:59.520 It is, but you're doing it with your kids, so 73 00:02:59.520 --> 00:03:00.879 there's like thing intimidating. 74 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:01.719 It's true. 75 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:04.319 Yeah, they think I'm an idiot anyway. 76 00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:07.280 Like they already think you're an idiot. Reed gets weird 77 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:09.400 about it, but the rest of. 78 00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:10.039 Us don't care. 79 00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:15.199 Yeah, but I mean, he's not the performer like Owen. 80 00:03:16.520 --> 00:03:18.520 But there's like it doesn't even have to be a 81 00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:21.520 thing anyway. But before because our guest is going to 82 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:24.159 be joining us So just a really quick note. 83 00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:26.120 We got a message. 84 00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:29.639 From one of our listeners and her story sounded so 85 00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:32.840 good that I just was like, we have to get 86 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:35.080 her to come on because I think not only will 87 00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:40.199 people relate to her, but she did it like the 88 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:41.840 thing that everyone had to do. 89 00:03:42.120 --> 00:03:44.479 She did in a way that I felt like was harder. 90 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:48.919 She had more kids, younger, like I don't know, like 91 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:51.599 I as I read the message, I'm like, damn, how 92 00:03:51.639 --> 00:03:57.080 are you less smiling and happy? And so anyway, I 93 00:03:57.159 --> 00:04:00.039 just felt like she felt She's inspirational. 94 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:04.080 Yeah, for sure. And before she jumps on here, one 95 00:04:04.159 --> 00:04:07.759 quick note that I want to mention is that our episodes, 96 00:04:07.800 --> 00:04:10.840 our videos are now on Tello Films. 97 00:04:10.919 --> 00:04:11.800 The streaming service. 98 00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:14.960 Okay, so if you guys want to see entire episodes 99 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:18.240 of us doing this thing, you know, video wise, not 100 00:04:18.319 --> 00:04:22.279 just the podcast the audio, you can stream it on tellofilms. 101 00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:25.639 So it's it's like lesbian Netflix is the way that 102 00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:26.519 they advertise it. 103 00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:27.680 So check that out. For sure. 104 00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:29.519 They have a lot of good content on there, even 105 00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:35.839 one of Melissa's movies, Welcome Brianna, Perfect timing, perfect. 106 00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:38.480 Timing, perfect great. Great. Yeah, and you know we didn't. 107 00:04:38.279 --> 00:04:40.959 Get to tell you this before, but this is something 108 00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:42.720 we tell all our guests, and I think even our 109 00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:43.519 audience should know. 110 00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:46.399 You can say any fucked up thing you want and 111 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:47.959 we'll edit it and post. 112 00:04:48.480 --> 00:04:52.519 So if you say something which I do pretty much 113 00:04:52.519 --> 00:04:55.399 every week, that Melissa's like, dude, we're not doing that. 114 00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.319 I can't wait, we can't do that, then you just 115 00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:01.800 say the word. Otherwise it all makes it to the show. 116 00:05:02.199 --> 00:05:04.560 But all in all, I also try to avoid using 117 00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:07.680 anyone's names that kind of thing, just a good rule 118 00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:08.079 of thumb. 119 00:05:08.279 --> 00:05:11.920 So yeah, you know, or do or do and take them, 120 00:05:12.040 --> 00:05:13.360 take a date to task. 121 00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:17.079 And then take the heat for it, not us exactly. 122 00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:22.480 So, Brianna, your message, like I felt like, would resonate 123 00:05:22.519 --> 00:05:26.480 with so many people, but mostly because it started so 124 00:05:26.759 --> 00:05:29.920 early for you, like your life, like turning into an. 125 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.959 Adult, I guess to me started early. 126 00:05:32.600 --> 00:05:35.439 So why don't you just first of all, welcome, but 127 00:05:35.480 --> 00:05:39.879 then give us a little background on Brianna before she's gay. 128 00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:44.800 Brianne Okay, yes, okay, So I grew up in San Diego, California. 129 00:05:45.600 --> 00:05:50.319 I'm a sibling of four, so I'm a second daughter 130 00:05:50.519 --> 00:05:54.279 of four siblings. I grew up Mormon, so there's a 131 00:05:54.439 --> 00:05:59.800 very tight knit but very good community of Mormons and 132 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:03.399 Diego and it was actually a really lovely experience being 133 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:08.279 raised Mormon, especially outside of Utah, where it's kind of 134 00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:12.279 like the Vatican of Mormonism a little bit. I've never 135 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:15.439 heard of Mormon and a Utah Mormon are just very 136 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:19.319 different things. So okay, really fun. And then you know, 137 00:06:19.560 --> 00:06:22.000 in Mormonism you're taught to get married young and have 138 00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:25.839 babies young, and it's kind of expected of you. And 139 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.920 so when I was twenty, well, I went to a 140 00:06:29.920 --> 00:06:34.079 a Mormon college, Bringham Young University, the campus in Idaho, 141 00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:39.319 which was, yeah, not my place going from San Diego 142 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:44.800 in Idaho and in certain ways, and yeah, my roommate 143 00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:48.519 was from Idaho and was like, what's thephora? And I 144 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:56.000 was like, oh my god, where am I? What's thephora? 145 00:06:56.360 --> 00:07:00.519 And my fuck nowhere? Seriously, Oh my god. I wanted 146 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:02.920 to go to New York City to study fashion. That 147 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:06.399 was my dream. And then I felt the pressure from 148 00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:11.240 my church leaders and my parents to go to Brigham Young, Idaho. 149 00:07:11.560 --> 00:07:13.920 And I mean obviously it was way cheaper and all 150 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.319 of that, so I decided to do that, and I 151 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:19.160 think that was like a big one of the biggest 152 00:07:19.800 --> 00:07:23.800 moments of my life where I went against myself, like 153 00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:28.160 for the first time in a big, big way in 154 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:30.720 real time. Did you know it at the time or 155 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:33.240 did you know like you were doing the right thing? Yes? 156 00:07:34.560 --> 00:07:36.000 I was like, oh, this is what I should do, 157 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:37.759 because if I go to New York, if I go 158 00:07:37.839 --> 00:07:41.600 somewhere else, I won't stay active, probably in the church, 159 00:07:41.639 --> 00:07:44.040 and then I won't go to heaven. So I need 160 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:47.800 to stay active. I need to go to heaven. And 161 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.399 so I'm going to go to a Mormon college so 162 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:57.519 I can do that. And I was also like school, 163 00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:00.160 I was like exploring my sexuality in high schoo I 164 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:02.160 thought it was normal, Like I thought that's what I do. 165 00:08:02.680 --> 00:08:07.519 We were the other girls Mormon too. No, no, okay, okay, no, 166 00:08:07.680 --> 00:08:10.040 my friends, I'm still performing arts high school and so 167 00:08:10.120 --> 00:08:14.399 a lot of my friends were like openly gay or bisexual. 168 00:08:14.439 --> 00:08:16.920 Like it was a very fluid like people would wear 169 00:08:16.959 --> 00:08:19.480 cow costumes of school on a random Tuesday and no 170 00:08:19.519 --> 00:08:22.759 one cared. Like That's how great of like an environment 171 00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:24.519 I was in. It was just very everyone was just 172 00:08:24.639 --> 00:08:27.879 loving and accepting, and I loved my high school experience 173 00:08:27.879 --> 00:08:29.639 for that and so I felt free to kind of 174 00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:33.240 do whatever I needed to do and explore, and everyone 175 00:08:33.320 --> 00:08:35.320 was just kind of open and free in certain ways. 176 00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:38.080 And but then I went to be Yu Idaho and 177 00:08:38.120 --> 00:08:41.759 my sexually, my sexuality went to die there, I think, 178 00:08:42.440 --> 00:08:47.000 and they put like that part of myself underwear on you, 179 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:50.480 right the army. Well, that's after you get married in 180 00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:53.080 the temple or if you go on a mission, you 181 00:08:53.120 --> 00:08:57.039 get the underwear. Yeah, got it. So yeah, I met 182 00:08:57.039 --> 00:09:00.799 my ex husband when I was eighteen, my first semester 183 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:03.600 of college, and we dated for a little bit over 184 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:06.120 a year, which in Mormon time, that's kind of a 185 00:09:06.159 --> 00:09:08.440 long time because you're not supposed to have sex until 186 00:09:08.480 --> 00:09:11.039 you're married, and so they're like, well, how could you 187 00:09:11.320 --> 00:09:13.759 wait that long to have sex? And people think that 188 00:09:13.799 --> 00:09:17.840 you're messing up if you wait a certain amount of time, 189 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:20.120 because they're like, there's no way you're not doing it. 190 00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:23.440 So you're not lying, Yeah, exactly, And you do have 191 00:09:23.480 --> 00:09:25.919 sex before you get married. The bishop, who is like 192 00:09:26.039 --> 00:09:30.919 the man presiding over the ward or the community of Mormons, 193 00:09:31.399 --> 00:09:34.840 he probably usually makes you wait to get married. But 194 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:37.360 that didn't happen to me. We didn't have sex before marriage. 195 00:09:37.399 --> 00:09:40.399 We got married when I was twenty, right after I 196 00:09:40.480 --> 00:09:44.600 turned twenty and then yeah, we were married for twelve years. 197 00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:47.879 I had four kids before I turned twenty nine. Wow, 198 00:09:48.519 --> 00:09:50.080 And can I ask you something really quick? 199 00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:52.600 When there are two Mormons a man and a woman, 200 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:56.720 because we have some experience with a Mormon couple from 201 00:09:56.799 --> 00:09:59.120 years ago that came on the show, But is there 202 00:09:59.240 --> 00:10:02.480 one Like in a regular relationship, there's one person who's 203 00:10:02.600 --> 00:10:06.240 driving the we can't do it, it's bad, and then 204 00:10:06.240 --> 00:10:08.240 there's one person that's like, let's just fucking do it. 205 00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:12.240 There's usually like one driver. Was he trying to or 206 00:10:12.279 --> 00:10:14.440 is he such a goodie boy that like he's not 207 00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:15.120 even trying? 208 00:10:16.600 --> 00:10:20.120 No, he he. I wouldn't say he's such a goodie boy. 209 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:23.960 But I think we both wanted to get married in 210 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.840 the temple really badly, and so we were both committed 211 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:29.879 to not And also it was like kind of easy 212 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:33.519 for me not to yeah, like I would yeah, Like 213 00:10:33.559 --> 00:10:37.639 I was like, oh, like I'm not like dying to 214 00:10:37.679 --> 00:10:41.120 do this with this. Yeah right, I'm good, I'm good. 215 00:10:41.240 --> 00:10:45.279 Yeah yeah. And then on our wedding night was when 216 00:10:45.279 --> 00:10:48.720 we both had sex for the first time, and baby 217 00:10:48.799 --> 00:10:53.039 number one, Yeah, not quite but yeah, it was just 218 00:10:53.200 --> 00:10:55.480 almost turned twenty three when I had my first baby, 219 00:10:55.559 --> 00:10:58.320 so it was a few years later. Yeah. 220 00:10:58.360 --> 00:11:01.159 And then so you're living with four kids with this man, 221 00:11:01.320 --> 00:11:03.519 but you're probably so busy you don't even question it. 222 00:11:04.480 --> 00:11:08.879 No, No, but it's wild because I was having really 223 00:11:08.919 --> 00:11:13.480 intense death fantasies for years, and looking back, I'm like, Oh, 224 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:17.720 it was my body, yeah, telling me that something is off. 225 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:21.120 And even when we were first married, like I thought 226 00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:24.240 there was something wrong with me sexually, and I was like, well, 227 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:26.080 I just need to go to like sex therapy. I've 228 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:29.440 had really bad experiences with boys in high school and 229 00:11:29.480 --> 00:11:31.600 they just like took advantage of me and all these things, 230 00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:33.159 and so I was like, maybe I just like need 231 00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:37.320 to go to therapy and figure this out. And then 232 00:11:37.399 --> 00:11:40.440 I started like fantasizing about death, like him dying or 233 00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:45.039 me dying. And I didn't realize that that's what it 234 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:46.919 was until I came out and I was like, oh, 235 00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:49.399 I wanted out of my body, out of my life 236 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:55.240 because I wanted to experience fulfillment in sex but also 237 00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:57.879 in all aspects of my life as well. Are you 238 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:01.879 talking to him about it? No? I didn't tell anybody 239 00:12:02.279 --> 00:12:05.399 I was so ashamed because my life looks perfect on paper. 240 00:12:05.440 --> 00:12:07.240 I had a husband, I had a big house, I 241 00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:09.919 had five star vacations, I had luxury cars, I had 242 00:12:09.960 --> 00:12:14.200 four kids. Everyone was healthy, everyone was good, like friend 243 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:18.120 like a group of friends, like I had everything, and 244 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:20.960 so I just felt so much shame and guilt about 245 00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:26.000 wanting to leave my life. And I didn't understand. Right, Oh, 246 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:28.200 that makes so much sense totally. 247 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:30.679 And so then four kids, are you like, how could 248 00:12:30.679 --> 00:12:31.720 I even leave my life? 249 00:12:31.879 --> 00:12:34.960 Like it's almost impossible? Yeah, yes, yeah, I mean I 250 00:12:35.159 --> 00:12:39.240 I never considered divorce. I only considered death really like 251 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:45.759 that wasah, I know, but I find that, yeah, I've 252 00:12:45.759 --> 00:12:46.039 heard that. 253 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:50.639 And then it takes like some situation to catalyze, like, 254 00:12:50.840 --> 00:12:53.320 oh wait, I want this other thing bad enough. 255 00:12:53.399 --> 00:12:59.840 So what happened? Yeah, so I so I have a catalyst. 256 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:05.200 She's now my girlfriend. And I've never experienced this feeling, 257 00:13:05.399 --> 00:13:09.000 this love, like any of this before. But we actually 258 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:11.759 met at a wedding. We were both in the bridal 259 00:13:11.759 --> 00:13:13.679 parties for the wifes who were getting married. She was 260 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:14.879 in the one of the wife's side. I was on 261 00:13:14.919 --> 00:13:18.679 the other wife side, and I saw her and I 262 00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:26.240 was like, people look like that. Oh my god. Yeah, 263 00:13:27.039 --> 00:13:29.639 we're at the rehearsal dinner, so like all the bridal parties, like, 264 00:13:29.720 --> 00:13:31.600 we were getting to know each other, and her and 265 00:13:31.639 --> 00:13:35.639 I got to talking. She's also raised Mormon, and that's 266 00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:37.840 just like you have the same first language. When you 267 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:43.080 meet people who are both who've been raised culturally like 268 00:13:43.159 --> 00:13:48.000 you in the same religion, high demand culty religion, you 269 00:13:48.200 --> 00:13:50.960 just have like this instant like oh my god, I 270 00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:53.919 get it kind of thing. And yeah, so that's what happened. 271 00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:55.919 And I was instantly just drawn to her and like, 272 00:13:56.039 --> 00:13:59.960 oh my god, like so beautiful. How do people look 273 00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:03.919 like this anyway? So then after that weekend, a bunch 274 00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:06.200 of the girls from the bridal parties came to my 275 00:14:06.360 --> 00:14:09.360 home in Salt Lake for Pride. This is last June. 276 00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:11.879 How are you guys all into this gay culture, gay 277 00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:13.279 wedding when you're Mormon? 278 00:14:13.559 --> 00:14:16.360 Like, was there also push back? Friend since fourth grade 279 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:19.440 is gay and she came out too for twenty one 280 00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:23.639 twenty two and then yeah, so she was getting married 281 00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:25.320 and okay, and so they. 282 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:27.600 Kind of just excuse it because it's like this is 283 00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:29.919 your old friend, Like you can't just not get my 284 00:14:30.039 --> 00:14:31.440 wedding Morgan's like. 285 00:14:31.480 --> 00:14:35.679 To it's it's complicated because the doctrine is like, no, 286 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:38.120 you can't be gay, you can't go to heaven. But 287 00:14:38.120 --> 00:14:41.840 then Mormon people are not a lot of them that 288 00:14:41.919 --> 00:14:45.600 I know, are not like anti gay. They're not necessarily 289 00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:51.159 homophobic to your face. Maybe for me, like I've been 290 00:14:51.799 --> 00:14:54.720 loved on by my Mormon community since coming out, so 291 00:14:55.879 --> 00:14:58.200 and not all of them, I would say, but a lot. 292 00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:00.840 And yeah, so for me, like have my best friend 293 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:04.519 be gay? It wasn't an issue for me at the time. 294 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:07.000 But I actually left the Mormon Church before I came out, 295 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:10.000 four years before I came out because of the homophobia. Wow, 296 00:15:10.559 --> 00:15:13.759 And I didn't recognize that I was seeing myself inside 297 00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:17.639 of what they were saying. And I felt really ashamed 298 00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:21.080 that it took me that long to leave when I 299 00:15:21.159 --> 00:15:24.360 had people that I deeply love who've been gay, and 300 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:28.000 it took me so long to figure out, Oh, this 301 00:15:28.039 --> 00:15:35.000 is like harming people and the doctrine is not welcoming 302 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:37.879 to them, and I subscribe to this and I'm a 303 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:39.679 part of this, Like, it just took me a while 304 00:15:40.320 --> 00:15:42.679 to dismantle all of it and be like, I don't 305 00:15:42.679 --> 00:15:46.120 believe in this right and are. 306 00:15:45.960 --> 00:15:49.320 You telling your husband like I'm thinking about leaving or 307 00:15:49.399 --> 00:15:49.639 is it? 308 00:15:49.720 --> 00:15:52.159 Like how does that happen? Like you go to the 309 00:15:52.159 --> 00:15:55.519 wedding and then what Well, So this was four years 310 00:15:55.559 --> 00:16:00.320 before I met myself. Sorry we're backtracking a little bit. Yeah, 311 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:05.320 four years before I had come out as gay. I 312 00:16:05.399 --> 00:16:08.919 left the Mormon Church because of the homophobia. Okay, there 313 00:16:09.000 --> 00:16:11.279 was a talk given. So in the Mormon Church, you're 314 00:16:11.320 --> 00:16:14.559 taught that these men speak for God, and one of 315 00:16:14.600 --> 00:16:20.039 them spoke about gay people, and basically it was like 316 00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:24.960 a message of proverbial violence. He was saying to point 317 00:16:25.080 --> 00:16:28.399 muskets towards those who threaten the church, and in the 318 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:31.600 same breath was talking about gay people. So oh yeah, 319 00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:34.840 destroyed me. Like I was listening, I was like, oh, 320 00:16:34.879 --> 00:16:37.440 I love what he has to say. He's like so poetic. 321 00:16:37.440 --> 00:16:39.679 I'm going to listen to his talk. And I listened 322 00:16:39.720 --> 00:16:42.320 to it and I literally was on the floor for weeks, 323 00:16:42.360 --> 00:16:46.679 like I don't believe this. What Like he speaks for God? 324 00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:48.519 What do you mean? Like I don't, Yeah, this is 325 00:16:48.559 --> 00:16:51.080 not what I believe. Like no, And then I was 326 00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:53.799 like coming apart and I was newly pregnant with my 327 00:16:53.840 --> 00:16:56.159 fourth baby, which I actually think was kind of beautiful 328 00:16:56.200 --> 00:16:58.279 because she like, when you're pregnant, you're I don't know, 329 00:16:58.360 --> 00:17:01.559 like I'm very in tune spiritual, and like, I think 330 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:04.240 she came to me to help guide me through that 331 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:07.400 in certain ways, not to get like woo woo, but 332 00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:13.319 no yeah so yeah, but yeah, Like my husband saw 333 00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:18.720 me just not well and he told me he actually 334 00:17:18.759 --> 00:17:22.599 was like, you don't have to agree with him, and 335 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:28.599 that I had never that blew my mind. I was like, wait, 336 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:32.160 what do you mean. They speak for God, So if 337 00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:34.880 I don't agree with him, then I don't agree with God. 338 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:37.880 And that was at the beginning of my whole deconstruction. 339 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:43.119 I developed insomnia, OCD anxiety. People don't talk about that, 340 00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:46.839 like the physical reconcussions of leaving high demand religion. I 341 00:17:46.880 --> 00:17:52.039 also went to therapy and just completely deconstructed the Mormon 342 00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:55.240 Church and that took years, and I'm really glad that 343 00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:58.200 that happened, and then my gay awakening happened, because if 344 00:17:58.200 --> 00:18:00.720 that were to all happen at one time, I don't 345 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:04.720 know if I would still be here. Yeah too too scary, 346 00:18:04.839 --> 00:18:06.119 Oh yes, exactly. 347 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:08.519 And it's also like you had to let go of 348 00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:09.160 that one thing. 349 00:18:09.200 --> 00:18:13.680 To get to the other totally, totally yeah. And I 350 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:17.519 think even after coming out as gay, I went through 351 00:18:17.559 --> 00:18:22.200 another deconstruction of not just Mormonism, but society and how 352 00:18:22.200 --> 00:18:25.640 I was conditioned to be straight my entire life and 353 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:30.240 politics and like just everything I was just like everything 354 00:18:30.720 --> 00:18:34.880 was another deconstruction when I came out as well. So 355 00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:37.960 it was I'm glad I got the first one over 356 00:18:38.039 --> 00:18:39.240 with though. Yeah. 357 00:18:39.400 --> 00:18:42.200 Yeah, So by the time you met the woman at 358 00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:45.359 the wedding, were you already kind of thinking you're gay 359 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:48.319 or was that like I hadn't even crossed your mind. 360 00:18:48.759 --> 00:18:51.559 None of it. And I didn't even identify as bisexual, 361 00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:55.279 even though it was obvious that I was not straight 362 00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:58.200 to a lot of people. I had never even like 363 00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:02.400 thought that in my head. I had kissed many girls, 364 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:04.359 like at sleepovers in high school, just the two of 365 00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:08.000 us in bed making out. Like I never even thought 366 00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:12.240 that I couldn't be anything. But even all of these 367 00:19:12.279 --> 00:19:14.960 like crushes on my babysitters as a kid, you know, 368 00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:17.759 like dirty dancing with girls at the middle school dance 369 00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:22.160 and like lugging its like I don't want to go 370 00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:26.319 with the boys, I want to girls. It was kind 371 00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:30.039 of instances I still had I just didn't have the language. 372 00:19:30.039 --> 00:19:33.680 I didn't I just didn't realize it. And so at 373 00:19:33.720 --> 00:19:37.359 the wedding, her and I meet and I am just 374 00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:41.799 like taken by her immediately. And at the day after 375 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:43.720 the wedding, there's actually a photo of us that I 376 00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:46.599 have of me like all over her on the dance floor. 377 00:19:46.680 --> 00:19:53.960 Oh my god, she like, who is this straight girl? 378 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:55.079 Is? 379 00:19:55.119 --> 00:19:55.240 She? 380 00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:55.440 Like? 381 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:55.799 What? 382 00:19:56.079 --> 00:19:58.039 Who is this straight girl hitting on me? 383 00:19:58.759 --> 00:20:01.720 No, She's used to it. She she's used to like girls, 384 00:20:01.759 --> 00:20:05.519 gay girls, gay boys, straight boys, Like she's because she's masked, 385 00:20:05.799 --> 00:20:09.119 and so people are like, I think, I'm like what 386 00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:12.440 am I when they what am I? Yeah? Yeah, you 387 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:15.799 know boys, my boys. Well I have been with her 388 00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:19.720 when boys are hitting on her, so yeah, gay boys wild. 389 00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:23.599 So she's just one of those people. But yeah, so 390 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:26.160 she's used to it. But then the next day after 391 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:28.799 the wedding, we went to a winery the bridal parties did, 392 00:20:28.839 --> 00:20:31.640 and and her and I were like singing girls camp 393 00:20:31.720 --> 00:20:34.359 songs and We're just like having the best time, and 394 00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:37.240 I'm like, what's happening. I have a photo of us 395 00:20:37.240 --> 00:20:39.319 at the winery too, where I'm like totally like leaning 396 00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:44.480 into her. Oh, my god, this is hilarious. And she's single. Yeah, yeah, 397 00:20:44.680 --> 00:20:47.480 so and she's probably loving it. Oh yeah, she's having 398 00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:49.839 the time of her life. Yeah, she loves it. Yeah. 399 00:20:49.880 --> 00:20:53.799 And she's very funny and gregarious and outgoing and like sweet, 400 00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:58.960 and so it's easy to feel like it's easy for 401 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:02.400