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Speaker 1: Now transcribe from Hollywood The American Safety Razor Corporation, makers
Speaker 1: of Blue Star Razor Blades, present The Red Skelton Show
Speaker 1: When Red Skelton, David Rose's orchestral Lorene Tunnod, Pat McGee
Speaker 1: and Dick Ryan, and the Smith Twins will be me
Speaker 1: Rod O'Connors From a Skelton scrapbook of satire, a story
Speaker 1: entitled The Town Gossip and Its Stars. As Clem can
Speaker 1: Ittle Hopper m g M's clown, Red Skelton, welk you all.
Speaker 2: You do?
Speaker 3: Boy?
Speaker 1: You never expected a voice like that to come out
Speaker 1: of me?
Speaker 4: Did you.
Speaker 1: Thought of a cowl?
Speaker 5: Maybe?
Speaker 1: But not me? Oh? Sick cow at that. I'm a
Speaker 1: bathtub singer myself. I only sing in the bathtub, of course,
Speaker 1: I don't sing much. Hey, did you hear what happened
Speaker 1: to me the other day? I found a diamond ring
Speaker 1: in the bathtub? Really, yeah, what did you do? Wipe
Speaker 1: the ring out and put the diamond of a pocket?
Speaker 1: I'm going too fast for ring, and let me know
Speaker 1: I didn't get it either. Well, tonight, I'd like to
Speaker 1: tell you a story about the town gossip and how
Speaker 1: they almost ruined my good name. That is, if you
Speaker 1: can ruin a name like Caddittle Hopper. Now there's a
Speaker 1: name for you, Caditle Hopper. I've been much better off
Speaker 1: with a number. Well, it's not to tell the folks
Speaker 1: a story. Well, yeah, it's about how a gossip and snowball,
Speaker 1: a word grows into a sentence, from a sentence into
Speaker 1: a paragraph, and from a paragraph and to a fabulous story.
Speaker 1: And there's enough dirt in each man's mind to make
Speaker 1: things grow. You see, this all started at the last
Speaker 1: national bank that's down on the corner of Hickory and Dickory,
Speaker 1: that's down with the docks. Well, there's all the townspeople
Speaker 1: and two good friends, Red Skelton, Roud O'Connor. It's Skelton.
Speaker 1: What did you come in the bank for it? What
Speaker 1: did I come in here for? It rents out a
Speaker 1: few things. I came here to deposit my check from
Speaker 1: metrop and mare. Are they paying out? Yeah? You keep
Speaker 1: one boy, you'll be cut the only two box hops
Speaker 1: a week. Well, I got the top of the next
Speaker 1: teller's window. Oh look who the teller is? That old
Speaker 1: lady who's so near sighted? Who can I help you?
Speaker 1: You've got money?
Speaker 6: My goodness, you must be ill. Your face is white?
Speaker 1: Is the sheet? It's the sheet of paper you're looking at. Look? Miss?
Speaker 6: Oh, how did you know I was a miss?
Speaker 1: You haven't hit yet. Look, i'd like to make a wow.
Speaker 6: Did I hear your back book?
Speaker 1: Well, my wife is at home on the chase, louds
Speaker 1: reading it. Oh, here it is here?
Speaker 6: How on earth did you bank? We'll get this word
Speaker 6: on it.
Speaker 1: You're holding my hands. This is the bank book.
Speaker 7: Oh heaven by, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: You're a snap a lion. One way it and get
Speaker 1: it over with. They're ninety cents a dozen.
Speaker 6: Now, Now, how much did you want to draw out.
Speaker 4: Of your shavys?
Speaker 1: Well, let's see the bills I've got to pay. Come
Speaker 1: to exactly fifty nine dollars.
Speaker 6: Here's your money, ten twenty thirty like esisty fifty five
Speaker 6: fifty nine nine. These bills they certainly crisp.
Speaker 1: So take those blotters back and give me some money. Wait,
Speaker 1: h Holley clamb will oh are you right back to
Speaker 1: you too? That's me always with him fast come back? Yeah,
Speaker 1: Well what are you doing in the bank?
Speaker 2: C oh?
Speaker 1: I gets Mosy's in the film A fountain pin? What else?
Speaker 1: But clem They don't build banks just so people can
Speaker 1: come in and borrowing. Oh you mean they have a sideline.
Speaker 1: You know. I used to get my ink at the
Speaker 1: post office, but I had to buy my own pin.
Speaker 1: Them post office pins are dis great. You see they
Speaker 1: play darts with him in the post office pins for
Speaker 1: about three weeks before they release them to the podley.
Speaker 1: Have you ever tried to make an X with one
Speaker 1: of them pins in the post office? All you gotta
Speaker 1: do is make an EX and everybody's standing around. He's
Speaker 1: got blue freckles. Look at at that bank. Ain't is
Speaker 1: getting worse every month? Now. I'm not one to complain,
Speaker 1: but if they don't make some improvements to be forced
Speaker 1: to take my business elsewhere, Well, don't you keep your
Speaker 1: money in the bank? When I should say not, I
Speaker 1: keep it in my stock. Boy, that's the reason why
Speaker 1: I'm sprouting bunions on my seventh tool. I guess my
Speaker 1: shoes just ain't roomy enough to handle all them toes
Speaker 1: and them pennies too. Getting back this bank era, how
Speaker 1: come you don't keep your money in the bank because
Speaker 1: they're always pulling fast on. Now, look at that money
Speaker 1: they're handling today, Well, what's wrong with that? That money
Speaker 1: ain't ripe. Look, it's still green. You put your money
Speaker 1: in the bank. It's the stilliest thing I ever heard of.
Speaker 1: You give them all your money and they don't return it.
Speaker 1: They just give you a little book full of numbers. Boy,
Speaker 1: what a racket that is. Yeah, pull up everybody and
Speaker 1: give them that number, and nobody answers. That's the stupidest
Speaker 1: thing you ever said. You want to say it over,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I did fairly well that. Well,
Speaker 1: now that I got my pen filled, I guess I'll
Speaker 1: get back to the farm. That the chicken house got
Speaker 1: struck by lightning last night. You never saw so many
Speaker 1: feathers fly in all your life. Did you light then
Speaker 1: kill the chickens? No, but it sure affected them. Eggs
Speaker 1: are lean, they're ages ain't any good deed anymore, but
Speaker 1: they make offan damdy light bulbs. Well kip the move. Ye,
Speaker 1: well that's all that happened. And then I stopped into
Speaker 1: the bank to film a pen And then I stopped
Speaker 1: into the music story to here Dave Roseniy's orchestra played
Speaker 1: strenkle patience. Now we got a little news for you
Speaker 1: men only. But you ladies can stick around to save face,
Speaker 1: not shave face. Save face, then why pay more for
Speaker 1: razor blades when your face won't know you did? Your
Speaker 1: face will never find a blade sharper than blue Star,
Speaker 1: because no razor blades are sharper than blue Star. Figure
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Speaker 1: the finest blue steel, and they're ground and honed in
Speaker 1: oil just like the highest price blades. They're tops in quality,
Speaker 1: but so economical. Think of it. A regular package of
Speaker 1: single or double edged Blue Star blades costs only one dime,
Speaker 1: and you save plenty when you buy the large economy
Speaker 1: size dispensers. So for your very next shave, five blue
Speaker 1: Star razor blades. Remember blue Star winds on face value,
Speaker 1: so five more more razor blade base won't know you
Speaker 1: did well. Here I am lend an ear to mister
Speaker 1: footy duties our towns busy bunny. He tries to bend
Speaker 1: everybody's ears, Skelton's and o'conners, including Skelton.
Speaker 4: Want this I hear about you or missus Skelton.
Speaker 1: Cleaning your teeth? I don't know, mister fuddy, do you?
Speaker 1: What is your big ears? Just hurt?
Speaker 4: Well? As you know, I'm not one to gossip.
Speaker 1: Since when I.
Speaker 3: Don't change the subject. Is it true that you and
Speaker 3: your wife have piffed?
Speaker 1: No, Georgia and I have not piffed. If that's supposed,
Speaker 1: you're supposed now, you're not supposed to act out those lines.
Speaker 3: Come now, missus Skelton, you're forgetting that we're on the
Speaker 3: same party line. Oh by the way, this morning I
Speaker 3: heard missus Skelton talking to her mother and she said
Speaker 3: you've beaten her for the last time.
Speaker 1: She was talking about caster she finally won the game.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Speaker 4: You mean you're not piffed?
Speaker 1: Would you stop using that word? It's getting in my eye.
Speaker 1: So Georgia and I were never happier.
Speaker 3: Kill joy, mister O'Connor, how are you and your wife
Speaker 3: getting along?
Speaker 1: Well, I hate to disappoint you, mister fuddy doddy, but
Speaker 1: Sylvie and I are getting along. Swell.
Speaker 4: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. By the bye, did
Speaker 4: you hear all the ladis on Clem kadet Hopper, No, we.
Speaker 1: Didn't hear on about it. Stopped poking your big nose
Speaker 1: in our little facts.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, Only a few minutes ago I saw Clem
Speaker 3: Braisley walk into this bank and steal some ink from
Speaker 3: his fountain pen. And not only that, but he stole
Speaker 3: some blotters as well.
Speaker 1: Well, what's what terrible about Clem filling his fountain pen? Yeah,
Speaker 1: besides the fact he can't write. When he makes an X,
Speaker 1: he has to abbreviate that. You know this can develop
Speaker 1: an do a three day show. Kinda was talking to
Speaker 1: Clem and he didn't steal any water. You want to
Speaker 1: mind your own business with your fuddy duddy.
Speaker 4: Don't get me wrong, gentlemen, I don't want this scam
Speaker 4: to go.
Speaker 1: I infer that.
Speaker 3: That's why I feel it's my duty to phone missus
Speaker 3: lumplump and tell her not to breathe it to a soul.
Speaker 7: Why, mister, you say you talk them speak out of
Speaker 7: the bank with six ink wells, a dozen blotters and
Speaker 7: the manager's swivel chair. I can't believe it, but I will.
Speaker 7: I gotta hang up now until Willy before I forget it.
Speaker 1: Oh, this will.
Speaker 4: Make me the hit of the bridge.
Speaker 7: Posey, Willy, break up, break up?
Speaker 1: Look, Willy, it's almost u.
Speaker 6: Wake up, Willy. I mixed you a short one, not
Speaker 6: too much.
Speaker 1: Hurry up over better, just opened my mouth and you
Speaker 1: pour it in. Come on now get up, Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: getting up. Pull my head. Why didn't you tell me
Speaker 1: I was sleeping under the dresser? Wait, I have a
Speaker 1: rough night. I will never go through that again, go
Speaker 1: through walk the case of the nature had a call.
Speaker 1: Oh my head, boy, when happened to my hair, I
Speaker 1: was all my hair at top of my head, a
Speaker 1: ball of lumping.
Speaker 7: You're feeling the ice bag on top of your head?
Speaker 1: Ice bag? Or I'm glad to know that I thought
Speaker 1: I had water on the brain cubed up on me.
Speaker 6: Now, Billy, open your eyes and look at me.
Speaker 5: You ever do that.
Speaker 1: Familiar can Now you've killed my happ a type for breakfast.
Speaker 1: The least thing you could do is take that mudpack
Speaker 1: off your face.
Speaker 7: I'm not wearing them uppack.
Speaker 1: Well cook, what one are The way you look in
Speaker 1: the morning, you look like you were celebrating Halloween all
Speaker 1: the time. You look like a greas porcupine. Them hair
Speaker 1: curlers sticking out like that and no makeup. What are
Speaker 1: you trying to do? Stare me the debt or you
Speaker 1: can collect on my incurance.
Speaker 6: Oh, come on, get off.
Speaker 7: It's almost new which reminds me, where were you until
Speaker 7: three this morning?
Speaker 1: That is a very interesting question. I had to work
Speaker 1: late at the office. I was dictating a few letters
Speaker 1: into the dictaphone.
Speaker 6: Then what was that I smell on your breath?
Speaker 1: Well, one of those stupid jenitors oil. The dictaphone was gin.
Speaker 4: And all night long.
Speaker 1: I kept talking to me.
Speaker 7: I really forgot mister Buddy that he just called and
Speaker 7: told me that plimed little hopper sneaked out of the
Speaker 7: bank with all the way safer basket, three adding machines.
Speaker 4: And six cartons of ditchy cops.
Speaker 1: No kidden clim couldttle Harper kidnapped six Ditchi cratch. I
Speaker 1: better get over his George barn grill tell him all
Speaker 1: about this. Well, like him. Why this really shocked the petzel.
Speaker 1: I'll see you later. Now point me to the front
Speaker 1: door and get me out of here.
Speaker 7: Willy, that's the shower door, and I've got the shower running.
Speaker 1: Don't bother me.
Speaker 6: I know where I'm.
Speaker 1: Willy, come out of there. But I buy your bumber stoop.
Speaker 1: There's a cloud burst out by hell. I'm going to
Speaker 1: have the drugstore and buy a paper. I want to
Speaker 1: see there is anything in it about Clym. It might
Speaker 1: be gossip spreads. I just heard the Smith Twins. We're
Speaker 1: going to sing Gpsy Doodle accompanied by Dave Rose in
Speaker 1: the orchestra.
Speaker 2: The disky Doodle the thing to be wase. The dipsy
Speaker 2: doodle will get in your head and you forget you
Speaker 2: who it hurdn't be worse.
Speaker 1: The things you say, welcome on like you love me,
Speaker 1: love you. That's the way the dipsy dools will work.
Speaker 1: They do is easy to find.
Speaker 2: It's almost always in back of your mind.
Speaker 1: You never know where. The tears too late and you're
Speaker 1: in such a terrible state. The moon jundt you. That's
Speaker 1: the way the dipsy dool work.
Speaker 2: When you think that's a crazy you're the victim of
Speaker 2: the gipsy.
Speaker 4: But it's not your mind that's hazing.
Speaker 2: If you don't, that's a fault.
Speaker 1: Not to do. You better listen and try to be
Speaker 1: good and.
Speaker 2: Try to do all the things that you should have to.
Speaker 2: Look at you some days you think you're crazy. The
Speaker 2: things that you say like rhythm, God all Him, that's
Speaker 2: the way that this to do.
Speaker 1: When you think that you're crazy, you're the vicsion of
Speaker 1: the gipsy. You But it's not your mind that's hazing.
Speaker 1: If you don't, that's the fault. Not to do.
Speaker 4: You are listening to try to be good.
Speaker 1: You try to do all the things that you should
Speaker 1: it to do. Look at you some day you think
Speaker 1: you're crazy. The things that you say like rhythm, God Him,
Speaker 1: that's the way that that you do. Work to do.
Speaker 7: That's the way that is.
Speaker 5: Don't why fay more bwing the braid when.
Speaker 1: Your faith won't know you again, when your face won't
Speaker 1: know you? Did I never do anything? Now I'm telling
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Speaker 1: agree they win on face value. Speak up faces, tell
Speaker 1: your bodies to get Blue Star blades. Sanna's clam singing
Speaker 1: at the sort of fountain. Hey, clam, I not you
Speaker 1: went back to the farm. Oh all that talk going
Speaker 1: around about me, I ain't got the nerve to go back.
Speaker 1: I'm a disgrace to the peak pin. Oh buck up, clam. Well,
Speaker 1: my teeth are all bucked up, but that's not all.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to drown my troubles in a molded Jimmy Yugart.
Speaker 1: So you've heard what the people are saying about you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I heard what people have been saying about me. They're
Speaker 1: saying I broke every window in the bank trying to
Speaker 1: set the place on fire. Oh that's not true. No,
Speaker 1: all I did was cash a bum check for ten
Speaker 1: thousand dollars. Now you didn't cash any bum check, Yes
Speaker 1: I did. I got the past the wreck from the
Speaker 1: bluck driver, who heard it from one of his friends,
Speaker 1: who heard it from his wife, who heard it from
Speaker 1: the milkman, who heard it from his mother in law,
Speaker 1: who forgot where see you heard it. Look, that's not true.
Speaker 1: I was with you at the time. I saw you
Speaker 1: fill your pan with things. Oh no, so how could
Speaker 1: too many people do these things to other people? Oh?
Speaker 1: Things have really gotten serious when the gossips have even
Speaker 1: convinced you. My gosh, don't worry, clem. I'm going out
Speaker 1: and put those blabber mouths straight. Come on right, let's go. Hey,
Speaker 1: Look there goes Junior running into the house. I'll go
Speaker 1: tell his mother the true story about clam. You mean
Speaker 1: sinker has returned. I'm on the ladder cleaning the ceiling.
Speaker 1: Don't come in here. I've got to come in. I
Speaker 1: got something to tell you, Junior.
Speaker 4: Don't open that door.
Speaker 1: I promise not to disturb you. Which out. Oh good heaven,
Speaker 1: it looked like I broke my widow. Promise, what did
Speaker 1: you break?
Speaker 5: You?
Speaker 6: I told you not to open that door.
Speaker 7: You knocked me off the ladder, and it's a wonder
Speaker 7: I didn't break every bone in my body.
Speaker 1: Well, come on, mummy, get your head out of the oven.
Speaker 1: You liable to wind up with a half baked expression
Speaker 1: on your phone.
Speaker 6: I'll teach you to disobey me.
Speaker 3: You come here to me.
Speaker 1: I'm mean now, don't get your hair brushing and uproar.
Speaker 1: Remember what happens when you take your high blood brighter
Speaker 1: up me, blue.
Speaker 7: Jeans, come down, light hair, good heavens Junior?
Speaker 1: Who gave you that black eye? No one I had
Speaker 1: to fight?
Speaker 6: Oh, I'll settle with you later.
Speaker 7: Oh good, March right up to your room and stay
Speaker 7: there until I tend.
Speaker 1: You to come down. But before I go, can I
Speaker 1: tell you by some gossip?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 7: I don't care to hear any gossip.
Speaker 4: Okay, you way boy, But case you're really juicy?
Speaker 1: Right off with a grape spying.
Speaker 7: Junior, I said, I didn't want who's the gossip about?
Speaker 1: Would I tell you later? But I got to get
Speaker 1: up through my room. I heard the trim codidle hopper
Speaker 1: held up a bank and got away with fifty dollars
Speaker 1: dollars and the FBI is not on his trail.
Speaker 7: Why who ever started such a vicious story? I've known
Speaker 7: Claim a long time and you could never get me
Speaker 7: to believe that about him.
Speaker 1: But Mummy, I tell you that's what they shade.
Speaker 7: They say, Who are they? Just irresponsible busybodies who have
Speaker 7: nothing better to do than pick at the character of
Speaker 7: their fellow men like bloodthirsty vulture. As a wise man
Speaker 7: once said, they say is half a lie.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's what they shade. And I am with you.
Speaker 1: I don't know what you said, but I ain't with
Speaker 1: you humming down. I'm glad you don't see any goship
Speaker 1: black other people day, Loreen, did you hear about Clym?
Speaker 7: But I think it's terrible what they're saying about poor Claim.
Speaker 1: Well, it's worse than you know. I just saw Clem
Speaker 1: riding down the street and the police car. They've arrested
Speaker 1: him for robbing the banks.
Speaker 6: Oh no, but he's innocent.
Speaker 7: We've got to help him.
Speaker 1: And I know who started it, old mister Floody Duddy,
Speaker 1: that old flabber blabber Mount.
Speaker 2: They don't shift hips.
Speaker 1: He started all your gotcha. I'm supposed to meet them
Speaker 1: down at the city hall.
Speaker 6: What are we waiting for?
Speaker 1: Let's go and I come through.
Speaker 7: Yes, dear, I don't need something to hit mister fuddy
Speaker 7: Duddy all.
Speaker 3: Over the head, will.
Speaker 1: Sergeant. I tell you that Clem's innocence.
Speaker 4: He most certainly is clim garpower.
Speaker 1: He's the nice guy.
Speaker 3: I don't see why the only one is getting so mad.
Speaker 1: Oh twin blew, you big blapper mountain right? No, all right,
Speaker 1: now I'm the desk stage and here, so let's sleeve
Speaker 1: down a bit. Where did this come from? No, mister
Speaker 1: fuddy Duddy, you called this to arrest clim Kiddle Hupper.
Speaker 1: Now what proof do you have that he held up
Speaker 1: the bank? And here you guys you seek calling that money?
Speaker 2: Come on, spick up.
Speaker 1: In the state money, pack up, pick up, Well, officer, I.
Speaker 4: Heard that is I thought I heard that is the.
Speaker 1: Look at that he Bring your hat in here yourself,
Speaker 1: mister fuddy Duddy. I don't care about what you heard.
Speaker 1: I want to know, did Clem rub the bank or
Speaker 1: did he not rub the bank?
Speaker 3: Well, sir, he took some ink for his fountain pen.
Speaker 3: That's Stephen, and he should be arrested.
Speaker 1: Oh sure, that's all it was. Do you know what's
Speaker 1: gonna happen to you, Judge bing CROs Be gonna beat
Speaker 1: you the desk with very Fitzgerald. Clem just took something, yes,
Speaker 1: and you had to pick up clem be that hey, Sam,
Speaker 1: release clim look a fish blacker mouth too.
Speaker 4: And that second sergeant, why are you arresting me?
Speaker 1: I'm arresting you for carrying a dangerous weapon your mouth.
Speaker 1: Take him away before it contaminates all of it. Good,
Speaker 1: good for you. Thanks, well, come on, folks, let's go. Yeah,
Speaker 1: come on, folks, come on, come on, let me lette
Speaker 1: out of here before it charge and recognize you mean
Speaker 1: locks me up too.
Speaker 7: Just the second, dear, I hope you remember what you
Speaker 7: saw here today. How vicious gossip can hurt a man's character.
Speaker 7: Never talk about anyone unless you have proof about them,
Speaker 7: because a few words can sometimes be as dangerous as
Speaker 7: a gun.
Speaker 1: Yea, and them people are always shooting off their mouth too.
Speaker 1: Gossip is like a snowballs.
Speaker 7: The further it travels, the bigger it gets. So Junior,
Speaker 7: never repeat anything you hear unless you know it for
Speaker 7: a fact that.
Speaker 4: It's the truth.
Speaker 1: How we WINBERGA mo me god, ollreen, I just went
Speaker 1: out to get into my car and somebody's let all
Speaker 1: the hair out of my tires. Really anybody we know?
Speaker 1: Well the newsboy on the corners that he saw.
Speaker 5: You do it.
Speaker 1: OI give her step over ahead of me. I remember
Speaker 1: what you said, don't take it bye, I don't gotcha kid.
Speaker 7: All right, I'll get the facts first.
Speaker 1: Did you let the air out of rods tire? Well, yes,
Speaker 1: I do you, but I don't believe me. Goodness, I
Speaker 1: had your worst goship in town, all right, and I'll
Speaker 1: give you a thanking for being a gossip. Isn't that amazing?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 1: Do you adults? When they want to, they can really
Speaker 1: get to the sheet of the trouble. You've been listening
Speaker 1: to the Red Skelton showed by the makers of Blue
Speaker 1: Star razor blades. No razor blades are sharper. No razor
Speaker 1: blades give you quicker, smoother shaves than Blue Star blades.
Speaker 1: So next time asked for a Blue Star, a precision
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Speaker 1: so wipey morble razor blades When your base won't know
Speaker 1: you need Thanks for letting is coming to your homes
Speaker 1: and we'll be with you again next week. And this
Speaker 1: is Mit Skelton saying goodbye, no thanks for listening, and
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Speaker 1: for the Red Scout show, Let's Golf is Hurting The
Speaker 1: programs the creditory of Mtro Bowler were studio. This is
Speaker 1: a copyrighted creature. That's fire from Hollywood. This is the
Speaker 1: CBS Radio Network.