Speaker 1: A Foreign Office Romance by Arthur Conan Doyle. There are
Speaker 1: many folk anew Alfonse Laqueur in his old age, from
Speaker 1: about the time of the Revolution of forty eight until
Speaker 1: he died in the second year of the Crimean War,
Speaker 1: he was always to be found in the same corner
Speaker 1: of the Cafe de Provence at the end of the
Speaker 1: Rue Saint Rorey, coming down about nine in the evening,
Speaker 1: and going when he could find no one to talk with.
Speaker 1: It took some self restraint to listen to the old diplomatist,
Speaker 1: for his stories were beyond all belief, and yet he
Speaker 1: was quick at detecting the shadow of a smile or
Speaker 1: the slightest little raising of the eyebrows. Then his huge
Speaker 1: rounded back would straighten itself, his bulldog chin would project,
Speaker 1: and his ars would bur like a kettle drum. When
Speaker 1: he got as far as ah monsieur rite er vulnem
Speaker 1: mikroie pabunc, it was quite time to remember that you
Speaker 1: had a ticket for the opera. There was his story
Speaker 1: of Talleyrand and the Five oyster shells, and there was
Speaker 1: his utterly absurd account of Napoleon's second visit to a Jacquio.
Speaker 1: Then there was that most circumstantial romance, which he never
Speaker 1: ventured upon until his second bottle had been on cork
Speaker 1: of the Emperor's escape from Saint Helena. How he lived
Speaker 1: for a whole year in Philadelphia, while Count Ebert de Berkhan,
Speaker 1: who was his living image, personated him at Longwood. But
Speaker 1: of all his stories there was none which was more
Speaker 1: notorious than that of the Koran and the Foreign Office Messenger.
Speaker 1: And yet when Monsieur Otto's memoirs were written, it was
Speaker 1: found that there really was some foundation for old Lequeur's
Speaker 1: incredible statement. You must know, Monsieur. He would say that
Speaker 1: I left Egypt after Clabert's assassination. I would gladly have
Speaker 1: stayed on, for I was engaged in a translation of
Speaker 1: the Koran, and between ourselves, I had thoughts at the
Speaker 1: time of embracing Mahometanism, for I was deeply struck by
Speaker 1: the wisdom of their views about marriage. They had made
Speaker 1: an incredible mistake, however, upon the subject of wine, and
Speaker 1: this was what the Mufti who attempted to convert me,
Speaker 1: could never get over. Then, when Old Clabert died and
Speaker 1: Menu came to the top, I felt that it was
Speaker 1: time for me to go. It's not for me to
Speaker 1: speak of my own capabilities, Monsieur, but you will really
Speaker 1: understand that the man does not care to be ridden
Speaker 1: by the mule. I carried my koren and my papers
Speaker 1: to London, where Monsieur Otto had been sent by the
Speaker 1: First Council to arrange a treaty of peace, for both
Speaker 1: nations were very weary of the war, which had already
Speaker 1: lasted ten years. Here I was most useful to Monsieur
Speaker 1: Otto an account of my knowledge of English tongue, and also,
Speaker 1: if I may say so, on account of my natural capacity.
Speaker 1: They were happy days during which I lived in the
Speaker 1: square of Bloomsbergy. The climate of Monsieur's country, as it
Speaker 1: must be confessed, detestable. But then what would you have.
Speaker 1: Flowers grow best in the rain. One has but to
Speaker 1: point to the Monsieur's fellow country women to prove it well.
Speaker 1: Monsieur Ratto, our ambassador, was kept terribly busy over that treaty,
Speaker 1: and all of his staff were worked to death. We
Speaker 1: had not Pitt to deal with, which was perhaps as
Speaker 1: well for us. He was a terrible man, that Pitt.
Speaker 1: And wherever half a dozen enemies of France were plotting together.
Speaker 1: There was a sharp pointed nose right in the middle
Speaker 1: of them. The nation, however, had been thoughtful enough to
Speaker 1: put him out of office, and we had to do
Speaker 1: with Monsieur Addington. But my Lord Hawkesbury was the Foreign Minister,
Speaker 1: and it was with him that we were obliged to
Speaker 1: do our bargaining. You can understand that it was no
Speaker 1: child's play. After ten years of war, each nation had
Speaker 1: got hold of a great deal which had belonged to
Speaker 1: the other or to the other's allies. What was to
Speaker 1: be given back and what was to be kept? Is
Speaker 1: this island worth that peninsula? If we do this at Venice,
Speaker 1: will you do that at Sierra Leone? If we give
Speaker 1: up Egypt to the Sultan? Will you restore the cape
Speaker 1: of good Hope which you have taken from our allies,
Speaker 1: the Dutch. So we wrangled and wrestled, and I have
Speaker 1: seen Monsieur Otto come back to the embassy so exhausted
Speaker 1: that his secretary and I had to help him from
Speaker 1: carriage to his sofa. But at last things adjusted themselves,
Speaker 1: and the night came round when the treaty was to
Speaker 1: be finally signed. Now you must know that one great
Speaker 1: card which we held, the one great card, and which
Speaker 1: we played, played, played at every point of the game,
Speaker 1: was that we had Egypt. The English were very nervous
Speaker 1: about our being there. It gave us a foot on
Speaker 1: each end of the Mediterranean, you say, and they were
Speaker 1: not sure that that wonderful little Napoleon of ours might
Speaker 1: not make it the base of an advance against India.
Speaker 1: So whenever Lord Hawkesbury proposed to retain anything, we had
Speaker 1: only to reply, in that case, of course, we cannot
Speaker 1: consent to evacuate Egypt. And in this way we quickly
Speaker 1: brought him to reason. It was by the help of
Speaker 1: Egypt that we gained terms that were remarkably favorable, and
Speaker 1: especially that we caused the English to consent to give
Speaker 1: up the Cape of Good Hope. We did not wish
Speaker 1: your people, monsieur, to have any foothold in South Africa.
Speaker 1: For history has taught us that the British foothold of
Speaker 1: one half century is the British Empire the net. It
Speaker 1: is not your army or your navy against which we
Speaker 1: have to guard, but it is your terrible younger son
Speaker 1: and your man in search of a career, When we
Speaker 1: friends have at possession across the seas. We like to
Speaker 1: sit in Paris and to felicitate ourselves upon it. With you,
Speaker 1: it is different. You take your wives and your children,
Speaker 1: and you run away to see what kind of a
Speaker 1: place this may be. And after that we might as
Speaker 1: well try to take that old square of Bloomsbury away
Speaker 1: from you. But well, it was upon the first of
Speaker 1: October that the treaty was finally to be signed. In
Speaker 1: the morning I was congratulating monsieur Otto upon the happy
Speaker 1: conclusion of his labors. He was a little pale shrimp
Speaker 1: of a man, very quick and nervous, and he was
Speaker 1: so delighted now at his own success that he could
Speaker 1: not sit still, but ran about the room, chattering and laughing,
Speaker 1: while I sat on a cushion in the corner, as
Speaker 1: I had learned to do in the East. Suddenly in
Speaker 1: came a messenger with a letter which had been forwarded
Speaker 1: from Paris. Monsieur Otto cast his eyes upon it, and then,
Speaker 1: without a word, his knees gave way, and he fell
Speaker 1: senseless upon the floor. I ran to him, as did
Speaker 1: the courier, and between us we carried him to the sofa.
Speaker 1: He might have been dead from his appearance, but I
Speaker 1: could steal Phila's heart thrilling beneath my palm. What is this, then,
Speaker 1: I asked, I I do not know, answered the messenger.
Speaker 1: Monsieur Talian told me to hurry as never man hurried before,
Speaker 1: and to put this letter into the hands of Monsieur Otto.
Speaker 1: I was in Paris at mid day yesterday. I know
Speaker 1: that I am to blame, but I could not help
Speaker 1: glancing at the letter, picking it out of the senseless
Speaker 1: hand of Monsieur Otto. My god, the thunderbolt that it was,
Speaker 1: I did not faint, but I sat down beside my
Speaker 1: chief and I burst into tears. It was but a
Speaker 1: few words, but they told us that Egypt had been
Speaker 1: evacuated by our troops a month before. All our treaty
Speaker 1: was undone. Then in the one consideration which had induced
Speaker 1: our enemies to give us good terms and vanished in
Speaker 1: twelve hours, it would not have mattered. But now the
Speaker 1: treaty was not yet signed. We should have to give
Speaker 1: up the cape. We should have to let England have Malta.
Speaker 1: Now that Egypt was gone. We had nothing to offer
Speaker 1: in exchange. Ah, But we are not so easily beaten
Speaker 1: we frenchmen. You English misjudge us when you think that
Speaker 1: because we show emotions which you conceal, that we are
Speaker 1: therefore of a weak and womanly nature. You cannot read
Speaker 1: your histories and believe that. Monsieur Otto recovered his sense presently,
Speaker 1: and we took counsel. What we should do? It is
Speaker 1: useless to go on, Alphonse said, he this Englishman will
Speaker 1: laugh at me when I ask him to sign courage,
Speaker 1: I cried, and then a sudden thought came into my head.
Speaker 1: How do we know that the English will have news
Speaker 1: of this? Perhaps they may sign the treaty before they
Speaker 1: know of it. Monsieur Otto sprang from the sofa and
Speaker 1: flung himself into my arms. Del Fonse, he cried, you
Speaker 1: have saved me. Why should they know about it? Our
Speaker 1: news has come from Toulon to Paris and then straight
Speaker 1: to London. Theirs will come by sea through the straits
Speaker 1: of Gibral. At this moment it is unlikely that anyone
Speaker 1: in Paris knows of it, save only Talyland on the
Speaker 1: First Council. If we keep our secret, we may still
Speaker 1: get our treaty sign ah, Monsieur, you can imagine the
Speaker 1: horrible uncertainty in which we spent the day. Never, never
Speaker 1: shall I forget those slow hours during which we sat together,
Speaker 1: starting at every distant shout, lest it should be the
Speaker 1: first sign of the rejoicing which this news would cause.
Speaker 1: In London, Monsieur Otto passed from youth to age in
Speaker 1: a day. As for me, I find it easier to
Speaker 1: go out and meet danger than to wait for it.
Speaker 1: I set forth Therefore, toward evening I wandered here and
Speaker 1: wandered there. I was in the fencing rooms of Monsieur Angelo,
Speaker 1: and in the cell on the box of Monsieur Jackson,
Speaker 1: and in the club of Brooks, and in the lobby
Speaker 1: of the Chamber of Deputies. But nowhere did I hear
Speaker 1: any news. Still, it was possible that my Lord Hawkesbury
Speaker 1: had received it himself, just as we had. He lived
Speaker 1: in Harley Street, and there it was that the treaty
Speaker 1: was to be finally signed. That night, at eight I
Speaker 1: entreated Monsieur to drink two glasses of Burgundy before he went,
Speaker 1: for I feared lest his haggard face and trembling hands
Speaker 1: should arouse suspicion in the English minister. Well, we went
Speaker 1: round together in one of the embassy's carriages. About half
Speaker 1: past seven, Monsieur Otto went in alone, but presently on
Speaker 1: excuse of getting his portfolio. He came out again, with
Speaker 1: his cheeks flushed with joy, to tell me that all
Speaker 1: was well. He knows nothing, he whispered. Ah, if the
Speaker 1: next half hour were over, give me a sign when
Speaker 1: it is settled, said I. For what reason? Because until
Speaker 1: then no messenger shall interrupt you. I give you my promise.
Speaker 1: I alphonse la caire. He clasped my hands in both
Speaker 1: of his. I shall make an excuse to move one
Speaker 1: of the candles on to the table in the window,
Speaker 1: said he, and hurried into the house, whilst I was
Speaker 1: left waiting beside the carriage. Well, if we could but
Speaker 1: secure ourselves from interruption for a single half hour, the
Speaker 1: day would be our own. I had hardly begun to
Speaker 1: form my plans when I saw the lights of a
Speaker 1: carriage coming swiftly from the direction of Oxford STREETA. Oh,
Speaker 1: if it should be the messenger, what could I do?
Speaker 1: I was prepared to kill him, Yes, even to kill him,
Speaker 1: rather than at this last moment allow our work to
Speaker 1: be Undone thousands die to make a glorious war Why
Speaker 1: should not one die to make a glorious peace? What
Speaker 1: though they hurried me to the scaffold, I should have
Speaker 1: sacrificed myself in my country. I had a little curved
Speaker 1: turkish knife strapped to my waist. My hand was on
Speaker 1: the hilt of it. When the carriage which had alarmed
Speaker 1: me so rattled safely past me. But another might come.
Speaker 1: I must be prepared, above all, I must not compromise
Speaker 1: the embassy. I ordered our carriage to move on, and
Speaker 1: I engaged what you call a Hackney coach. Then I
Speaker 1: spoke to the driver and gave him a guinea. He
Speaker 1: understood that it was a special service. You shall have
Speaker 1: another guinea if you do what you are told, said I.
Speaker 1: Oh art Master, said he, and turned his slow eyes
Speaker 1: upon me, without a trace of excitement of curiosity. If
Speaker 1: I enter your coach with another gin, you will drive
Speaker 1: up and down Harley Street and take no orders from
Speaker 1: any one but me. When I get out, you will
Speaker 1: carry the other gentleman to Wakyer's Club in Bruton Street.
Speaker 1: Or Master, said he again. So I stood outside my
Speaker 1: Lord Hawkesbury's house, and you can think how often my
Speaker 1: eyes went up to that window in the help of
Speaker 1: seeing the candle twinkle in it. Five minutes passed and
Speaker 1: another five. Oh, how slowly they crept along. It was
Speaker 1: a true October night, raw and cold, with a white
Speaker 1: fog crawling over the wet, shining cobblestones and blurring the
Speaker 1: dim oil lamps. I could not see fifty paces in
Speaker 1: either direction, but my ears were straining, straining to catch
Speaker 1: the rattle of hoofs or the rumble of wheels. It's
Speaker 1: not a cheering place, monsieur, this street of Harley, even
Speaker 1: upon a sunny day. The houses are solid and very
Speaker 1: respectable over yonder, but there is nothing of the feminine
Speaker 1: about them. It's a city to be inhabited by males.
Speaker 1: But on that raw night, amid the damp and the fog,
Speaker 1: with the anxiety gnawing at my heart, it seemed the saddest,
Speaker 1: weariest spot in the whole wide world. I paced up
Speaker 1: and down, slapping my hands to keep them warm, and
Speaker 1: still straining my ears. And then suddenly, out of the
Speaker 1: dull hum of the traffic down in Oxford Street, I
Speaker 1: heard a sound detach itself and grow louder and louder,
Speaker 1: and clearer and clearer with every instant until two yellow
Speaker 1: lights came flashing through the fog, and a light cabriolet
Speaker 1: whirled up to the door of the Foreign Minister. It
Speaker 1: had not stopped before a young fellow sprang out of
Speaker 1: it and hurried to the steps, while the driver turned
Speaker 1: his horse and rattled off into the fog once more. Ah,
Speaker 1: it is in the moment of action that I am best, Monsieur. You,
Speaker 1: who only see me when I am drinking my wine
Speaker 1: in the Cafe de Pravens, cannot conceive the heights to
Speaker 1: which I rise. At that moment, when I knew that
Speaker 1: the fruit of a ten years wore at stake, I
Speaker 1: was magnificent. It was the last French campaign, and I
Speaker 1: the general and army in one Sir, said I, touching
Speaker 1: him upon the arm Are you the messenger fort Hawksberry, Yes,
Speaker 1: said he, I've been waiting for you half an hour.
Speaker 1: You to follow me at once. He is with the
Speaker 1: French ambassador. I spoke with such assurance that he never
Speaker 1: hesitated for an instant When he entered the Hackney coach
Speaker 1: and I followed him in my heart gave such a
Speaker 1: thrill of joy that I could hardly keep from shouting aloud.
Speaker 1: He was a poor little creature, this Foreign Office messenger
Speaker 1: not much bigger than Monsieur Ratteau. And I, Monsieur can
Speaker 1: see my hands now and imagine what they were like
Speaker 1: when I was seven and twenty years of age. Well,
Speaker 1: now that I had him in my coach, the question
Speaker 1: was what I should do with him. I did not
Speaker 1: wish to hurt him if I could help it. This
Speaker 1: is pressing business, said he. I have a dispatch which
Speaker 1: I must deliver instantly. Our coach had rattled down Harley Street,
Speaker 1: but now in accordance with my instruction, had turned and
Speaker 1: began to go up again. Hello, Hello, he cried, what's this? What? Then?
Speaker 1: I asked, we are driving back. Where is Lord Hawkesbury?
Speaker 1: We shall see him presently. Let me out, Let me out,
Speaker 1: he shouted, There some trickery in this coachman stopped the coach.
Speaker 1: Let me out, I say, I dashed him back into
Speaker 1: his seat. As he tried to turn the handle of
Speaker 1: the door, he roared for help. I clapped my palm
Speaker 1: across his mouth. He made his teeth meet through the
Speaker 1: side of it. I seized his own cravat and bounded
Speaker 1: over his lips. He still mumbled and gurgled, but the
Speaker 1: noise was covered by the rattle of our wheels. We
Speaker 1: were passing the minister's house, and there was no candle
Speaker 1: in the window. The messenger sat quiet for a little
Speaker 1: and I could see the glint of his eyes as
Speaker 1: he stared at me through the gloom. He was partly stunned,
Speaker 1: I think, by the force with which I had hurled
Speaker 1: him into his seat, and also he was pondering, perhaps
Speaker 1: what he should do next. Presently he got his mouth
Speaker 1: partly free from the cravat. You can have my watch
Speaker 1: and my purse if you will let me go, said he.
Speaker 1: Sir said, I I am as honorable a man as
Speaker 1: you are yourself. Who are you? Then? My name is
Speaker 1: of no importance? What do you What do you want
Speaker 1: with me? It? It is a bet, a bet? But
Speaker 1: what do you mean? And you understand that I'm on
Speaker 1: the government service and that you will see the inside
Speaker 1: of jail, for there that is the bet. That is
Speaker 1: the sport, said I. You will find a poor sport
Speaker 1: before you finish. He cried, what is this insane bet
Speaker 1: of yours? Then I have bet, I answered that I
Speaker 1: will recite a chapter of the Koran to the first
Speaker 1: gentleman whom I should meet in the street. Well, I
Speaker 1: don't know what what would me think of it? Save
Speaker 1: that my translation was always running in my head. He
Speaker 1: clutched at the door handle, and again I had to
Speaker 1: hurl him back into his seat. How long will it take,
Speaker 1: he gasped. It depends on the chapter, I answered, A
Speaker 1: short one, then, and let me go. But is it fair?
Speaker 1: I argued. When I say a chapter, I do not
Speaker 1: mean the shortest chapter, but rather one which should be
Speaker 1: of average length. Help, help, help, he squealed, and I
Speaker 1: was compelled again to adjust his cravat. A little patient,
Speaker 1: said I, and will soon be over. I should like
Speaker 1: to recite the chapter which would be of most interest
Speaker 1: to yourself. Will confess that I am trying to make
Speaker 1: things as pleasant as I can for you. He slipped
Speaker 1: his mouth free again, quick, then quick he groaned up
Speaker 1: the chapter of a camel, I suggested, Oh yes, yes,
Speaker 1: or that of the fleet's Stagion, Oh yes, yes, only proceed.
Speaker 1: We had passed the window and there was no candle.
Speaker 1: I settled down to recite the chapter of the Stagion
Speaker 1: to him. Perhaps you do not know you Koren? Very well, monsieur, well,
Speaker 1: I knew it by heart then, as I know it
Speaker 1: by heart now. The style is a little exasperating for
Speaker 1: anyone who is in a hurry, But then what would
Speaker 1: you have. The people in the east are never in
Speaker 1: a hurry, and it was written for them. I repeated
Speaker 1: it all with the dignity and solemnity which a sacred
Speaker 1: book demands. And the young Englishman he wriggled and groaned.
Speaker 1: When the horses, standing on three feet and placing the
Speaker 1: tip of their fourth foot upon the ground, were mustered
Speaker 1: in front of him in the evening, he said, I
Speaker 1: have loved the love of earthly good above the remembrance
Speaker 1: of things on high, and have spent the time in
Speaker 1: viewing these horses. Bring the horses back to me. And
Speaker 1: when they were brought back, he began to cut off
Speaker 1: their legs. It was at this moment that the young
Speaker 1: Englishman sprang at me, My God, how little can I
Speaker 1: remember the next few minutes. He was a boxer, this
Speaker 1: shred of a man he had been trained to strike.
Speaker 1: I tried to catch him by the hands back pack.
Speaker 1: He came upon my nose and upon my eye. I
Speaker 1: put down my head and thrust at him with it.
Speaker 1: Pack he came from below, But ha I was too
Speaker 1: much for him. I hurled myself upon him, and he
Speaker 1: had no place where he could escape from my weight.
Speaker 1: He fell flat upon the cushions, and I seated myself
Speaker 1: upon him with such conviction that the wind flew from
Speaker 1: him as from a burst bellows. Then I searched to
Speaker 1: see what there was with which I could tie him.
Speaker 1: I drew the strings from my shoes, and with one
Speaker 1: I secured his wrists, and with another his ankles. Then
Speaker 1: I tied the clovat round his mouth again, so that
Speaker 1: he could only lie and glare at me. When I
Speaker 1: had done all this, and it stopped the bleeding of
Speaker 1: my own nose, I looked out of the couch, and, Ah, monsieur,
Speaker 1: the very first thing that caught my eyes was that candle,
Speaker 1: that dear little candle, glimmering in the window of the minister.
Speaker 1: Alone with these two hands, I had retrieved the capitulation
Speaker 1: of an army and the loss of a province. Yes, monsieur,
Speaker 1: what Abercrombie and five thousand men had done upon the
Speaker 1: beach of Abukuire was undone by me, single handed. In
Speaker 1: a Hackney coach in Harley Street, well, of course, I
Speaker 1: had no time to lose, for at any moment Monsieur
Speaker 1: Otto might be down. I shouted to my driver, gave
Speaker 1: him his second guinea, and allowed him to proceed to Watier's.
Speaker 1: For myself. I sprang into our embassy carriage, and a
Speaker 1: moment later the door of the minister opened. He had
Speaker 1: himself escorted Monsieur Otto downstairs, and now so deep was
Speaker 1: he in talk that he walked out, bareheaded, as far
Speaker 1: as the carriage. As I stood there by the open door,
Speaker 1: there came the rattle of wheels, and a man rushed
Speaker 1: down the pavement, a dispatch of great importance from Alorrd Hawksberry.
Speaker 1: He cried, I could see that it was not my messenger,
Speaker 1: but a second one. Lord Hawkesbury caught the paper from
Speaker 1: his hand and read it by the light of the
Speaker 1: carriage lamp. His face Monsieur was as white as this plate.
Speaker 1: Before he had finished, Monsieur Ratto, he cried, we have
Speaker 1: signed this treaty upon a false understanding. Egypt is in
Speaker 1: our hands. What what cried Monsieur otter m poseubrus. It
Speaker 1: is certain it fell to Abercrombie last month. In that case,
Speaker 1: said Monsieur Ratto. It is very fortunate that the treaty
Speaker 1: is signed. Very fortunate for you, sir, cried my Lord Hawkesberry,
Speaker 1: and he turned back to the house. Next day, Monsieur
Speaker 1: what they call the Bow Street runners were after me,
Speaker 1: but they could not run across salt water, and Alphonse
Speaker 1: Laqueur was receiving the congratulations of Monsieur Talleyrand and the
Speaker 1: First Council. Before ever his pursuers had got as far
Speaker 1: as Dover, and of a Foreign Office romance by Arthur
Speaker 1: Conan Doyle