WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.400 I stacked the plates with a sort of hopefulness, stupidly 2 00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:10.439 humming along to a song that kept looping in my headphones, 3 00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:12.679 the way you do when you're waiting for a fun 4 00:00:12.800 --> 00:00:17.239 night to start. Usually Friday's meant the mcintires would barrel 5 00:00:17.320 --> 00:00:20.719 through our front door around seven, Dana with her latest 6 00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:24.559 bottle of dry white, Charlie already eyeing our record collection. 7 00:00:25.800 --> 00:00:29.000 Mark and I had run that routine for years, since 8 00:00:29.079 --> 00:00:32.359 moving into the condo, since before the wedding, since real 9 00:00:32.399 --> 00:00:36.079 life started to feel like something we'd built instead of inherited. 10 00:00:37.079 --> 00:00:40.679 But that Friday, the knock never came. Instead, my phone 11 00:00:40.759 --> 00:00:43.520 rang Mark's name pulsing on the screen a few minutes 12 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:47.000 before Dana was supposed to buzz in. He sounded pressed 13 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:49.200 and out of breath, and for half a moment I 14 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:53.039 pictured him hustling down Market Street, tie askew, juggling his 15 00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:57.439 conference call, but his voice was jittery, almost pitched. Not 16 00:00:57.560 --> 00:01:02.320 quite Mark Jewels bear Abe listen, total fire at the agency. 17 00:01:02.359 --> 00:01:05.239 I can't even I could hear other voices behind him, 18 00:01:05.400 --> 00:01:09.439 a coffee grinder, indistinct laughter than his words again clearer. 19 00:01:10.120 --> 00:01:13.519 Craig's pitch fell through. Now the client wants everything rewritten 20 00:01:13.560 --> 00:01:17.159 by tomorrow. I'm so so sorry. I'll be late, probably 21 00:01:17.159 --> 00:01:20.560 insanely late. Don't wait for me. Please and tell thee 22 00:01:20.599 --> 00:01:25.120 macin tires. I'll owe them a rain check. Disappointment filtered 23 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:28.400 through me, A little sour, but not new. Lately things 24 00:01:28.439 --> 00:01:31.560 got canceled a lot. You sure, Mark, I tried to 25 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:34.319 keep my voice soft. I already put the chicken in 26 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:38.280 the oven. Dana will be bummed. The underlying message that 27 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:42.680 I would be two went unspoken. He sighed, voice thinner. 28 00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:46.519 I know, I know. Next week. Okay, promise I'll text 29 00:01:46.519 --> 00:01:49.599 them if you want. I just this is hell. There 30 00:01:49.680 --> 00:01:52.640 wasn't much left to say when the line went dead. 31 00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:55.040 I stood for a moment, listening to the sound of 32 00:01:55.079 --> 00:01:57.879 the oven ticking in its preheat arc and the faint 33 00:01:57.920 --> 00:02:01.439 coil of music playing from the bluetooth's speaker. All that 34 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:05.319 prep the cloth, napkins, even the table runner that Mark's 35 00:02:05.319 --> 00:02:08.639 mother had sent us after last Easter. They looked faintly 36 00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:12.000 ridiculous on a table now set for two and shrinking 37 00:02:12.039 --> 00:02:15.960 to one. I texted Danis and bland apology for Mark. 38 00:02:16.400 --> 00:02:19.800 Did my best with a last minute cancelation, then leaned 39 00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:23.400 against the counter alone. At least no one would see 40 00:02:23.400 --> 00:02:26.240 how hard I blinked to push back that stupid sting 41 00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:29.520 in my eyes. By nine, I'd put most of the 42 00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:33.039 food away, sampled the wine anyway, and tried to get 43 00:02:33.080 --> 00:02:36.199 absorbed in a design brief that paid by the page. 44 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:40.400 But the apartment felt unbalanced, a little hollow, like a 45 00:02:40.439 --> 00:02:44.479 theater set. After the audience had left. The next morning, 46 00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:47.919 I made my second coffee downstairs, hair still wet from 47 00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:50.960 the shower, hoodies zipped up to my chin and ran 48 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:54.240 into Elly by the double glass doors. She was in 49 00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:58.039 her work out gear, apple cheeked, waving her phone around 50 00:02:58.039 --> 00:03:02.479 with her usual caffeinated energy. Oh hey, Jules, late night 51 00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:05.840 for you guys, ha, Ellie grinned. Stopping by the mail boxes, 52 00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:09.159 she juggled her mail, little dog leash already tangled in 53 00:03:09.240 --> 00:03:12.879 her keys. That art thing was wild. Mark seemed to 54 00:03:12.919 --> 00:03:15.840 have a blast, though. Ran into him at the Burrow Gallery, 55 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:18.919 really hopping. You didn't stick around for the after bit, 56 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:22.879 did you? Her words registered about two beats too late. 57 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:27.520 I schooled my face, searching for something to say, art thing. 58 00:03:27.960 --> 00:03:32.439 It came out small and too honest. She didn't notice. Yeah, 59 00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:35.439 gallery opening last night. Mark was all caught up with 60 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:39.400 that group, one of the artist's friends, maybe super tall woman, 61 00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:42.919 dark hair. I waved, but you guys looked busy. Her 62 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:45.039 laugh was high, like she was letting me in on 63 00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:49.280 the secret. I smiled a little too big. Oh wow, 64 00:03:49.360 --> 00:03:52.840 you saw him, small world, heart beating a little faster. 65 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:57.360 I actually conked out early work. Ate my week. Well. 66 00:03:57.400 --> 00:04:00.599 He looked like he was enjoying himself. Tell him, says 67 00:04:00.680 --> 00:04:04.240 thanks again for the condo board sign ups. With a wave, 68 00:04:04.599 --> 00:04:08.599 she bustled off, dog pulling her toward the door. I 69 00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:11.759 climbed the stairs more slowly than usual. The hall lights 70 00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:14.639 flickered the way they always did, shadows ducking under the 71 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.000 doors of neighbour's units. I knew the right, reasonable thing. 72 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:20.759 Let it go. Maybe he really had just popped in 73 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:24.480 on impulse. But beneath all my next step thoughts, get dressed, 74 00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:27.879 finish the mock ups. Reply to those emails. One question 75 00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:31.399 kept threading itself through everything. If Mark lied about a 76 00:04:31.439 --> 00:04:34.199 client fire and spent his Friday at a gallery, what 77 00:04:34.279 --> 00:04:37.800 else had I missed? Time spent with Mark rarely left 78 00:04:37.800 --> 00:04:40.160 me second guessing. I guessed that was one of the 79 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:44.079 main perks that foundation of belief, that confidence in us, 80 00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:47.680 built brick by brick across seven years. I could recount 81 00:04:47.680 --> 00:04:50.519 the early days almost as a personal myth. The night 82 00:04:50.560 --> 00:04:52.879 at Dorian's where he made me laugh so hard I 83 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:55.839 choked on my bier, The third date, wandering the summer 84 00:04:55.879 --> 00:04:59.360 festival with matching temporary to two's. The photo wall in 85 00:04:59.439 --> 00:05:03.360 this condo eleven frames deep with stories nobody else would 86 00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:07.720 ever fully understand. We had our specialties in the relationship. 87 00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:12.079 Mark was the extrovert, the icebreaker, king of crowd work, 88 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:14.759 joke at the ready, no matter how tired he was. 89 00:05:15.360 --> 00:05:18.360 I was quieter than I seemed better at listening, the 90 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:22.079 one who planned details and remembered how friends took their coffee. 91 00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:26.079 The balance worked, or it had. Our condo was a 92 00:05:26.120 --> 00:05:30.160 miniature social hub. We d built a steady, loud, chosen 93 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:33.120 family within the building, people who filtered in and out 94 00:05:33.160 --> 00:05:35.920 of our living room for December potlucks or late night 95 00:05:35.959 --> 00:05:40.319 debates over which band redefined the decade. The Macintires were 96 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:43.160 a staple, but so were Devon and Argent from three 97 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:47.120 floors up, Saret from the garden Club. Sometimes even Marks 98 00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:51.920 tough as Nail's sister Liz making rare but memorable appearances. 99 00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:55.160 Neither of us wanted kids, which earned us a curious 100 00:05:55.199 --> 00:05:59.439 sort of reputation. Spontaneous, always first to host the couple 101 00:05:59.480 --> 00:06:02.399 you called for, imprompt you rooftop cocktails, or to help 102 00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:06.879 organize the next progressive dinner. Weekends were fluid, most plans 103 00:06:06.920 --> 00:06:09.040 spur of the moment, the kind you didn't have to 104 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:11.800 clear with anyone else, or panel beat around a kid's 105 00:06:11.839 --> 00:06:16.920 soccer game. That lightness, the freedom felt precious modern, uniquely 106 00:06:17.000 --> 00:06:21.279 hours our daily loops fit too. I worked remote as 107 00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:25.240 a freelance graphic designer, paid mostly in irregular invoices and 108 00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:29.199 praise from start up CEOs who thought punctuality meant tuesdaysh 109 00:06:29.839 --> 00:06:34.240 I liked it mostly mornings to myself, afternoons to water 110 00:06:34.279 --> 00:06:38.079 color or fuss around in Figma and procreate Spotify in 111 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:42.600 one ear Mark's consulting gig had always been less predictable, 112 00:06:42.839 --> 00:06:46.560 but more structure than not. He liked solving client puzzles, 113 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:49.120 liked finding the right word to get a team back 114 00:06:49.120 --> 00:06:52.279 on board after a setback. Some days he'd work from 115 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:55.680 the little cowirking nook off the lobby. Others he'd claim 116 00:06:55.720 --> 00:06:58.639 the living room window for calls, feet on the ottoman 117 00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:04.279 suit jacket, throat over a kitchen chair, evenings dinner, sometimes 118 00:07:04.279 --> 00:07:07.319 shoulder to shoulder on our little couch, Mark's hand always 119 00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:11.480 finding my thigh. During Netflix lazy arguments about pizza toppings 120 00:07:11.800 --> 00:07:14.480 or which bann to see live next month. We joke 121 00:07:14.519 --> 00:07:17.399 about how we made other couples look bad. Our friends 122 00:07:17.439 --> 00:07:21.160 said it too, albeit with a wink. After seven years, 123 00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:23.839 we'd become the steady ones in the room, the couple 124 00:07:23.879 --> 00:07:26.480 who could still slow dance in the kitchen at midnight, 125 00:07:26.720 --> 00:07:30.839 grinning like fools. But then lately I'd noticed a drift. 126 00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:34.120 At first, it was nothing you could measure. Mark Ducking 127 00:07:34.199 --> 00:07:37.560 worked calls at stranger and stranger hours, careening from zoom 128 00:07:37.600 --> 00:07:40.120 to zoom, as if the Ringtons themselves paid a bonus. 129 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:43.959 Then came the commitment, his word to getting back into shape. 130 00:07:44.279 --> 00:07:46.680 He joined a jim, set up a recurring block on 131 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.079 his calendar, and all but guilt tripped me for not 132 00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:52.519 doing the same. Some nights he'd come home late, cheeks 133 00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:57.399 flushed and showered, hungry but distracted, gone too some of 134 00:07:57.439 --> 00:08:01.160 the little in jokes that usually bounced between us. I'd 135 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:04.639 brushed it off. People work more sometimes for stretches. I 136 00:08:04.639 --> 00:08:07.720 had deadlines too, flurries of clients dropping in out of 137 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:11.240 nowhere than evaporating. For months, and even when the discomfort 138 00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:14.399 started to grow, a sense that my partner was trespassing 139 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:18.519 somewhere private, forging newer connections beyond my view, I tamped 140 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:21.920 it down. Mark and I were different. We'd always trusted, 141 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:26.560 almost as a point of pride. Friends envied it after 142 00:08:26.600 --> 00:08:30.800 Ellie's hallway comment. Did I overreact? I wasn't sure, But 143 00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:34.360 the next time Mark called that night, I couldn't stop myself. 144 00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:38.159 He got home after eleven, pretty late for just a 145 00:08:38.159 --> 00:08:41.279 crushed friday at work. I was curled on the couch 146 00:08:41.320 --> 00:08:44.360 with my laptop, pretending to look busy, a bowl of 147 00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:48.039 reheated chicken in my lap. Mark kicked off his shoes 148 00:08:48.159 --> 00:08:51.440 and stood stretching in the doorway, face unreadable for just 149 00:08:51.480 --> 00:08:56.039 a second before the usual grin flickered into place. Tired, 150 00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:01.240 I asked, gently, closing my laptop. Long day, Mark flopped 151 00:09:01.240 --> 00:09:03.240 on to the end of the couch, dropping his bag. 152 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:07.320 Clients are assholes, he groaned, then gave me his tired, 153 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:11.039 playful pout that usually softened any edge. I killed my 154 00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:14.759 step count pacing around their stupid office. Remind me to 155 00:09:14.879 --> 00:09:18.960 charge double next time. Some one says quick fix. He 156 00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:23.360 smelled different a new sharper aftershave. I couldn't place it. 157 00:09:23.480 --> 00:09:26.879 Struck me, but I ignored it. Ellie said she saw 158 00:09:26.919 --> 00:09:30.240 you at the Burrow Gallery last night, I offered, aiming 159 00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:33.639 for nonchalant. That must have been a fun crowd. I 160 00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:37.320 haven't been to an opening there. In ages for a moment, 161 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:40.879 Mark busied himself with the remote, flipping past muted news. 162 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:45.240 Oh yea that, he said, half distracted. I only popped 163 00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:47.759 in for a sec after meeting a client. One of 164 00:09:47.799 --> 00:09:51.279 the guys introduced me to the curator. I think barely stayed. 165 00:09:51.559 --> 00:09:55.080 Got a headache from the fumes. His gaze slid off mine, 166 00:09:55.240 --> 00:09:59.919 fixed on his phone, thumbs scrolling. Nothing cool, I said, 167 00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:04.080 He grunted, nodded. The briefest of pauses lingered between us. 168 00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:08.039 Then the spell broke, replaced by the same plastered on normalcy. 169 00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:11.919 I wanted to drop it, but his body language had changed. 170 00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:16.279 He was coiled, not settled. We continued with a dull rerun, 171 00:10:16.440 --> 00:10:19.600 Mark reaching for my foot, not really watching the plot. 172 00:10:20.120 --> 00:10:22.720 On another night, I might have snuggled in or made 173 00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:25.720 a joke. Instead, I sat up, the weight of his 174 00:10:25.799 --> 00:10:30.480 explanation running circles in my mind. Was I being dramatic 175 00:10:30.519 --> 00:10:35.039 about nothing? Jealousy wasn't my style, but Mark's evasiveness had 176 00:10:35.039 --> 00:10:38.919 a whiff of improvisation. He'd always been open over shared, 177 00:10:39.080 --> 00:10:41.720 if anything when it came to work or our friends. 178 00:10:42.399 --> 00:10:46.080 Now I felt like I'd interrupted something or stumbled over 179 00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:50.080 a boundary I didn't know we'd drawn. I told myself 180 00:10:50.120 --> 00:10:52.600 to trust, to be the person I'd promised to be. 181 00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:56.639 Every One deserves the benefit of the doubt, especially the 182 00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:00.720 person you love. The small unease ex banded as the 183 00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:04.480 days stacked up. I didn't set out to investigate. I'm 184 00:11:04.519 --> 00:11:08.360 not wired that way, but pattens started jumping out, each 185 00:11:08.399 --> 00:11:12.639 more jarring than the last. It began quietly. I was 186 00:11:12.679 --> 00:11:16.120 reviewing our joint transactions to categorize them for tax season, 187 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:19.080 my least favorite kind of detail work. When I caught 188 00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:22.720 a few new names. The wine Cove, Fragrant Blooms, proud 189 00:11:22.759 --> 00:11:26.279 O Bistro. These weren't places Mark and I frequented, or 190 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:29.639 places I'd even heard about. The amounts weren't huge, but 191 00:11:29.799 --> 00:11:33.720 enough to stand out. Small luxury recurring, never more than 192 00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:37.639 a weaker part. Mark had never been a boutique wine guy. 193 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:41.600 He loved his mass produced Californian blends, rolled his eyes 194 00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:45.480 at wine bars, and called florists a scam for Valentine s. 195 00:11:46.200 --> 00:11:48.679 I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I told 196 00:11:48.679 --> 00:11:52.720 myself maybe these were client gifts. Still, I made a note, 197 00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:56.799 then closed the window, feeling vaguely guilty for even noticing. 198 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:00.679 His gym routine shifted too, in a way that didn't 199 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:04.200 make sense. At first, I liked how energized Mark seemed, 200 00:12:04.440 --> 00:12:06.840 but soon it started to interfere with things we'd always 201 00:12:06.919 --> 00:12:09.720 done together. He'd be late to our dinner plans, or 202 00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:12.120 beg off a movie night, promising to make it up. 203 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:15.039 Sometimes he walked in with a different scent on his skin, 204 00:12:15.399 --> 00:12:19.240 or a slight mark barely their lipstick. I couldn't quite say. 205 00:12:19.759 --> 00:12:22.559 One night, he pulled an unfamiliar Duffel bag from the 206 00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:26.440 back seat of his car. I teased him, nice upgrade, 207 00:12:26.840 --> 00:12:30.320 but he just grinned tightly. It was free with the membership, 208 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:34.200 he said, tossing it aside. I tried not to dwell. 209 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:36.639 We hit a group brunch one Sunday at the new 210 00:12:36.679 --> 00:12:40.480 French spot down the block. Dana and Charlie swapped stories 211 00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:45.320 from their anniversary trip, everyone laughing, the mimosas flowing. The 212 00:12:45.399 --> 00:12:48.759 mood was light until I mentioned catching the new photography 213 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:54.159 exhibit next weekend, something Mark had suggested months back. Mark 214 00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:58.240 tensed up immediately almost snapped, you know, I'll be slammed 215 00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:01.159 that wee kennd Julia. Let it's not commit to anything 216 00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:04.279 we can't make. I blinked in front of everyone. That 217 00:13:04.399 --> 00:13:07.960 felt like a slap. Dana tried to smooth it over, 218 00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:12.159 talking about rescheduling, but the seed was planted on the 219 00:13:12.200 --> 00:13:15.679 walk home. Mark squeezed my hand, kept up the jokes, 220 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.840 but there was a stiffness to his warmth, like everything 221 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:23.720 was being filtered through a new invisible layer. Monday morning, 222 00:13:23.960 --> 00:13:26.399 I rode the elevator up with Devon from four B, 223 00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:30.320 a designer at Mark's agency and someone I'd known since 224 00:13:30.360 --> 00:13:34.799 the first Condo Association party. He was half awake, coffee 225 00:13:34.799 --> 00:13:39.960 in hand, headphones dangling around his neck. How's Mark holding up? 226 00:13:40.200 --> 00:13:43.600 He asked, smile a little strained. I keep seeing his 227 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:46.639 car in the garage after hours. The guy must never 228 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:51.919 sleep office rat race, right, I hesitated, Oh, he said, 229 00:13:51.960 --> 00:13:58.039 he's mostly working from home these days. Clients stuff. Devon chuckled, Nah, 230 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:00.919 he's been at the office late every night, except when 231 00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:03.720 he's out at those client events. I guess saw a 232 00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:07.480 bunch of slack messages get missed. Hope the workload isn't 233 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:11.279 destroying your week ends too. I shuffled out on to 234 00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:14.519 our floor, my mind spinning. Mark had told me he'd 235 00:14:14.519 --> 00:14:18.200 had after ours client meetings, but Devon's version didn't fit. 236 00:14:18.919 --> 00:14:23.000 Was Mark working late in the office or elsewhere? He 237 00:14:23.080 --> 00:14:27.440 came home same as always, smiling, talking business but dodging 238 00:14:27.480 --> 00:14:31.519 any specifics. I watched him move around our kitchen, noticing 239 00:14:31.559 --> 00:14:33.679 for the first time that he never really looked at 240 00:14:33.679 --> 00:14:37.360 me when he said he'd had back to back meetings. Instead, 241 00:14:37.639 --> 00:14:40.799 there was an edge, a mild irritation, as if any 242 00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:44.799 questions about his schedule were a hassle. That evening, when 243 00:14:44.840 --> 00:14:47.360 Mark left for the gym, I borrowed his car for 244 00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:50.679 a late grocery run. Rooting around for the quarter I 245 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:53.600 usually kept for the shopping cart, I glimpsed a new 246 00:14:53.720 --> 00:14:56.960 Jim towel peeking out from under the passenger seat. It 247 00:14:57.080 --> 00:15:01.960 was plush, white and embroidered el K Fitness. It meant 248 00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:05.919 nothing to me but our Jim, our long standing jointly 249 00:15:05.960 --> 00:15:08.919 paid for Jim was a cross town called Nova Life. 250 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:12.399 So what was l K Fitness? Another client perk, a 251 00:15:12.440 --> 00:15:15.120 guest pass. I googled on my phone. Found it just 252 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:21.480 five blocks from our condo. Private, expensive, known for boutique experiences, couples, yoga, 253 00:15:21.919 --> 00:15:25.159 small group petea. I felt sick to my stomach, but 254 00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:28.960 told myself it was an over reaction. Later, when Mark 255 00:15:29.080 --> 00:15:32.039 rolled in, hair still damp and body pumped, he looked 256 00:15:32.039 --> 00:15:35.799 almost guilty to see me holding the towel, cool towel, 257 00:15:36.080 --> 00:15:40.279 I said, lightly, are you Jim hopping on me? He grinned, 258 00:15:40.320 --> 00:15:42.720 but it was off. Oh. They handed these out at 259 00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:46.440 a launch party. I barely went in fad junk. He 260 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:50.559 stuffed the towel into his bag, smile tight, I tried 261 00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.320 to laugh. Don't become one of those CrossFit apostles. O kay. 262 00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:59.360 He kissed me quickly. Wouldn't dream of it. At brunch 263 00:15:59.399 --> 00:16:03.919 next weekend, friends mentioned offhand how hard Mark's been working lately. 264 00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:07.960 Their voices held a note of admiration, a subtext that 265 00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:12.240 strung Danna was giving me that look. Equal parts sympathy 266 00:16:12.279 --> 00:16:16.320 and curiosity. Mark told me he's thinking of pulling back 267 00:16:16.679 --> 00:16:19.399 for his health. You know, said, it's been a wild quarter, 268 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:24.600 She said gently, You guys all right? Yea great, I said, 269 00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:28.759 as breezy as I could muster, just busy. I ached 270 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:31.960 with resentment, not at my friends, but at Mark for 271 00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:35.559 painting himself into such a noble, burnt out corner, and 272 00:16:35.639 --> 00:16:38.919 for not including me in the story. I tried to 273 00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:42.360 reconnect with him, both emotionally and physically, but he only 274 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:47.039 half responded. Some nights he seemed attentive, almost guiltily eager 275 00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:50.879 to please. Other times he was distracted, hands roaming, but 276 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:55.279 gazed somewhere over my shoulder, breath warmed by carefully measured affection, 277 00:16:55.600 --> 00:16:58.039 as if checking a chore off a list. When I 278 00:16:58.120 --> 00:17:01.200 pressed about the future, about me be finally taking that 279 00:17:01.320 --> 00:17:04.519 anniversary trip to Greece, or even the basic what are 280 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:08.480 we saving for next year? Talk, he'd go vague, talk 281 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:12.240 about waiting to see how Q three shakes out. Mark 282 00:17:12.359 --> 00:17:15.759 was always the one pushing for plans. Now he pulled away, 283 00:17:16.039 --> 00:17:20.119 wrapped in a fog of deferred excitement. I hated myself 284 00:17:20.119 --> 00:17:23.960 for feeling jealous, suspicious, proud, even of the trust that 285 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:27.359 made us who we were. But every signal Mark sent 286 00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:31.000 contradicted the old baseline, a pain I couldn't quite name. 287 00:17:31.440 --> 00:17:35.720 Only feelers, insomnia, art, deadlines, missed colors in my water, 288 00:17:35.799 --> 00:17:40.319 colors muddying along with my thoughts. Lying in bed those nights, 289 00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:44.079 I'd stare at the ceiling, feeling every unsaid thing vibrate 290 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:47.720 between the two of us. Sometimes I told myself I 291 00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:51.480 was inventing patterns. Sometimes I wondered if the patterns were 292 00:17:51.480 --> 00:17:55.759 the only map left toward the truth. Eventually the pressure 293 00:17:55.799 --> 00:17:59.480 built past what I could tolerate. It was a Wednesday rain, 294 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:02.960 dripping rhythmic against the balcony. When I waited for Mark 295 00:18:03.000 --> 00:18:07.160 and broached it as gently as I could. We finished dinner, 296 00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:10.799 sitting side by side, past a cooling on our plates, 297 00:18:10.839 --> 00:18:15.599 the news muttering, hardly watched headlines. Mark, I said, voice 298 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:19.480 and steady, Is everything all right with us? He set 299 00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:23.759 his fork down, brows knitting. What do you mean we're fine? Jewels? 300 00:18:24.759 --> 00:18:29.960 I softened my tone. You've just been different, distant, canceling plans, 301 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:33.039 working non stop. If something's wrong. I just want to 302 00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:35.480 know if you need space or help, or if I 303 00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:39.319 need to change something, just say so. He was silent 304 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:42.200 for a moment, rolling his head back, sighing. For the 305 00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:45.359 first time in weeks, his face cracked open with vulnerability. 306 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:49.400 It's just work, he said, voice almost breaking. I feel 307 00:18:49.400 --> 00:18:52.160 trapped lately, like I can't get ahead. Nothing I do 308 00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:55.119 is enough. That gallery night was Yeah, it was with 309 00:18:55.200 --> 00:18:58.640 a client, Lisa. She works with a bunch of start ups, 310 00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:00.519 and I felt like if I could just press her, 311 00:19:00.680 --> 00:19:03.759 maybe get her on board, something would finally break my way. 312 00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:07.920 He looked up at me, almost pleading, and yeah, she 313 00:19:08.039 --> 00:19:10.519 invited me to her. Jim said it helped her clear 314 00:19:10.599 --> 00:19:14.000 her head. I only went a couple times, Jewels, I swear. 315 00:19:14.440 --> 00:19:16.839 I didn't tell you because you always laugh about net 316 00:19:16.880 --> 00:19:19.160 working at the treadmill, and I didn't want to be 317 00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:23.000 judged for chasing side hustles or whatever. I'm sorry I 318 00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:28.160 should have said. Gilt pricked my skin. His face looked open, tired, 319 00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:31.880 almost embarrassed. I just want you to stop worrying so much, 320 00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:35.599 he added, You're the only thing that feels normal. I swear. 321 00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:40.359 He touched my hand, squeezed it, his thumb, gently brushing 322 00:19:40.400 --> 00:19:43.640 my knuckle. I was so relieved to hear an explanation, 323 00:19:43.960 --> 00:19:48.039 any explanation that I cried quietly, and he hugged me close. 324 00:19:49.079 --> 00:19:52.359 The next few days, Mark made an effort. He scheduled 325 00:19:52.359 --> 00:19:56.680 a weekend away small town cottage, even texted silly gifts 326 00:19:56.759 --> 00:19:59.359 during the day, the way he once had. I let 327 00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:02.480 my guard down. I wanted to believe it that I'd 328 00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:06.119 been insecure, needy, making mountains out of the pressure fog 329 00:20:06.200 --> 00:20:10.519 that every thirty something couple wrestles with. But the universe 330 00:20:10.559 --> 00:20:13.079 has a way of speaking louder when you refuse to listen. 331 00:20:13.559 --> 00:20:17.559 The following Friday, luggage already by the door, reservation booked, 332 00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:21.759 I got the familiar text, Babe, I'm so sorry, crisis 333 00:20:22.119 --> 00:20:27.440 Lisa's project just exploded. I'll call you soon. Something snapped, 334 00:20:27.799 --> 00:20:31.039 not just disappointment this time, but a physical pain, sharp 335 00:20:31.079 --> 00:20:35.039 as betrayal. I sat, suit case still packed and didn't cry. 336 00:20:35.720 --> 00:20:38.359 I felt myself hardened for the first time against the 337 00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:41.240 idea that Mark and I were immune, that I didn't 338 00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:43.880 know myself the truth, whatever it turned out to be. 339 00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:47.799 That was the week I stopped waiting for him to 340 00:20:47.880 --> 00:20:52.480 confirm my reality. My first step was the smallest. He'd 341 00:20:52.519 --> 00:20:55.519 left his new jim bag in the trunk. In the past, 342 00:20:55.799 --> 00:20:58.799 searching his things would have felt like a violation. Now, 343 00:20:58.880 --> 00:21:01.599 I reasoned, I deserve to know what I was defending. 344 00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:05.720 I opened it slowly, my hands sweating, half afraid I'd 345 00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:08.599 find nothing and lose my mind, or find something and 346 00:21:08.680 --> 00:21:12.160 lose my marriage. The bag was neat, always his habit, 347 00:21:12.519 --> 00:21:15.000 but tucked into an inner pocket were two receipts from 348 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:19.880 ELK Fitness. Both were for couple's personal training sixty men, 349 00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:24.599 same trainer, same day as the wine bar and florist transactions. 350 00:21:25.079 --> 00:21:28.079 The name Lisa was scrawled in the memo line for one. 351 00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:31.720 I sat back, staring at those slips, feeling first hot, 352 00:21:31.920 --> 00:21:36.720 then icy, Not proof, I told myself, not deafenite. But 353 00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:40.400 the gears were turning, and once wound, that mechanism wouldn't 354 00:21:40.440 --> 00:21:46.839 stop art openings. Lisa's project Jim receipts nights home late, 355 00:21:47.079 --> 00:21:50.240 always with the same excuse, never with details about what 356 00:21:50.359 --> 00:21:54.839 actually happened. I opened Instagram on my phone, found ELK 357 00:21:55.039 --> 00:21:59.880 Fitness's page and scrolled past endless posed couples, impossible abs, 358 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:04.279 motivational slogans. There I saw Lisa, her profil match what 359 00:22:04.359 --> 00:22:08.680 Ellie described, tall striking with dark glassier cut hair. In 360 00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:12.559 several posts tagged by other clients, Mark was in the background, 361 00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:17.799 always peripheral, cropped from group shots, but undeniably there. Another 362 00:22:17.880 --> 00:22:21.880 post from the Burrow Gallery, Lisa and three others, captioned 363 00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:25.559 with that night's show hashtag, Mark included in the backdrop 364 00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:29.480 a cheerful ghost behind her shoulder on knights He'd said 365 00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:34.480 he couldn't make it home for dinner. Again suggestive, not conclusive, 366 00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:38.039 but I felt my story solving itself in the corners, 367 00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:42.119 moving closer to a center I dreaded. I called Devon, 368 00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:44.960 at a loss for any other way to get confirmation 369 00:22:45.559 --> 00:22:50.519 or blunder into embarrassment. Devon, can I ask, is Lisa 370 00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:55.680 working with Mark's firm now? A hesitation? Then? Yeah, she's 371 00:22:55.720 --> 00:22:58.720 in as a contractor, kind of an adviser. They've been 372 00:22:58.799 --> 00:23:01.960 in and out of meetings, lunches, a beat. Then is 373 00:23:02.039 --> 00:23:07.160 everything okay? Julia? I tried for casual, just checking. I 374 00:23:07.240 --> 00:23:11.799 barely see him these days. Devon softened voice, a little guilty. 375 00:23:12.440 --> 00:23:15.079 I get it. Mark es been doing a lot of 376 00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:18.319 meetings off book, to be honest, long lunches, couple of 377 00:23:18.359 --> 00:23:21.440 gallery things. Some folks wondered if he was looking for 378 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:23.880 partners or just trying to get out of the office. 379 00:23:24.279 --> 00:23:28.640 Are you guys good? I mumbled some excuse, thanked him, 380 00:23:28.920 --> 00:23:33.119 and hung up, with my mind racing. I felt raw, tired, 381 00:23:33.279 --> 00:23:37.119 sick from sleeplessness and the growing certainty that nothing would 382 00:23:37.160 --> 00:23:40.559 right itself if I just waited. That night, I gave 383 00:23:40.680 --> 00:23:44.279 up on working, barely managed to answer texts, my thoughts 384 00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:48.519 running in manic, jagged loops. Finally, I put my head 385 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:52.039 on the desk, stared at the blank designed template, and 386 00:23:52.119 --> 00:23:55.000 tried to recall what life had felt like when every 387 00:23:55.119 --> 00:23:59.079 day didn't end with a new uncertainty. But the dice 388 00:23:59.160 --> 00:24:01.960 had been rolled. I was never going to unknow what 389 00:24:02.039 --> 00:24:05.599 I'd learned, no matter how incomplete the picture still was. 390 00:24:06.720 --> 00:24:10.359 Days passed, each unrolling with a numbness that dulled my brain. 391 00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:14.920 I tried some mornings to resurrect my old patterns, yoga 392 00:24:14.960 --> 00:24:18.200 with Saret in the park, coffee runs with Elly, But 393 00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:22.440 every conversation, every smile, came with a secret withdrawal. If 394 00:24:22.519 --> 00:24:25.200 they only knew, if they only saw, what my life 395 00:24:25.240 --> 00:24:27.680 felt like. The second I stepped back into that condo, 396 00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:32.920 door closing behind me, silence pressing against my teeth, Mark 397 00:24:32.960 --> 00:24:35.640 didn't seem to notice, or maybe he didn't care to. 398 00:24:36.279 --> 00:24:39.880 His patterns grew more. Locked up, phone screen always dimmed 399 00:24:39.920 --> 00:24:43.119 when I entered new passcode on his lock screen. Bag 400 00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:47.559 zipped car keys always clipped tightly to his belt. But 401 00:24:47.640 --> 00:24:50.960