WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.480 --> 00:00:04.080 You know, a friend once told me my life is 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:08.199 lived for others to laugh and learn from, and she 3 00:00:08.919 --> 00:00:15.880 was RIGHTEO never runs a moment. 4 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:24.800 I like no story time for the neurodivergence. 5 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:29.239 I mean, anyone can get in, but this will help 6 00:00:29.320 --> 00:00:35.799 you understand your neurospicy bredren cisterns and non binarians. 7 00:00:36.679 --> 00:00:37.240 Much better. 8 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:48.079 Oh man, So I'm gonna play y'all a video and 9 00:00:48.119 --> 00:00:51.240 then I'm gonna tell y'all a story about when I 10 00:00:51.240 --> 00:00:55.200 did an essence shoot in Grenada. So I want you 11 00:00:55.280 --> 00:01:01.520 to watch the video. Okay, watch the video, and then 12 00:01:02.719 --> 00:01:08.519 I'm gonna talk about how this video relates and how 13 00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.120 it actually decoded something that's happened to me many times 14 00:01:13.159 --> 00:01:14.640 in my life. But I'm gonna give you a very 15 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:18.079 specific way that this played out when I did a 16 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:20.760 shoot for ES's magazine and Grenada. 17 00:01:21.200 --> 00:01:24.400 Neurodiversions are also accused of having a really short temper, 18 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:28.000 and I don't think that's necessarily true inherently, but I 19 00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:30.040 do know that it does often look like that, and 20 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:30.879 it'll let me explain. 21 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:32.840 I mean this little graft to help you understand here, 22 00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:34.280 neurotypical the. 23 00:01:34.239 --> 00:01:38.079 Way you socialize information, the way you socialize interactions, you 24 00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:42.599 are sort of permitted to some degree to increasingly demonstrate 25 00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:43.319 your frustration. 26 00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:45.120 Right, you see, you have one all the way through 27 00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:47.280 ten with this nice little color coded gradient. 28 00:01:47.319 --> 00:01:50.760 When you're neurodivergent and you are working in certain environments 29 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:53.040 that you don't feel very safe in it, you're going. 30 00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:55.920 To put on a mask. And with that mask, right. 31 00:01:55.799 --> 00:01:58.959 We don't have different masks for different degrees of frustration. 32 00:01:59.599 --> 00:02:01.319 We have of the mask. 33 00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:04.400 And so if you're getting frustrated at something, you're very 34 00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:08.199 often as a neurodiversent person, you're not showing that frustration 35 00:02:08.560 --> 00:02:12.080 in the same way that other people are. And so 36 00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:14.680 that means you're not showing that frustration in a way 37 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:17.199 that most other people are going to see. So you're 38 00:02:17.199 --> 00:02:19.840 holding that mask while you're continuing to, let's just say, 39 00:02:20.039 --> 00:02:23.840 ask clarifying examples or you know, demonstrate your side of 40 00:02:23.879 --> 00:02:27.919 the argument, while whatever's happening that is continuing to frustrate you. 41 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:29.840 And so you're going on and you're going on, and 42 00:02:29.879 --> 00:02:31.080 you're going on, and on. 43 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:33.840 The inside those levels are jumping up just like they 44 00:02:33.879 --> 00:02:36.680 would be for a neurotypical person, but on the outside, 45 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:39.639 you're only showing that level one, that level one, maybe 46 00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:43.000 a level two, until a point where you've used up 47 00:02:43.080 --> 00:02:45.319 all of your energy that's available right now and you 48 00:02:45.360 --> 00:02:48.039 cannot continue to hold that mask. And so what that 49 00:02:48.120 --> 00:02:50.919 means is that mask drops, and now all of a sudden, 50 00:02:50.960 --> 00:02:53.319 everybody that's around you can see that you're actually at 51 00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:55.120 a level seven or you're actually at a level ten. 52 00:02:55.280 --> 00:02:58.599 This is why it looks like we just lost our shit, 53 00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:01.759 why we just threw a or through a tantrum, it's 54 00:03:01.879 --> 00:03:05.360 not because more often than not, we just did a 55 00:03:05.360 --> 00:03:08.639 complete one eighty and just went from totally happy completely insane. 56 00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:12.599 When we are like this, if you're a neurotypical person, oftentimes, 57 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:14.919 especially in the work environment, it's because we felt like 58 00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:17.639 people weren't listening to us, or people were stepping over us. 59 00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:20.159 You know, we're trying to present our information and we're 60 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:22.520 not being permitted to speak. That can be a real 61 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:24.759 big issue, and there's of course a million other things 62 00:03:24.919 --> 00:03:26.759 that are going to make us do this, But when 63 00:03:26.759 --> 00:03:28.759 it's all said and done, it's because we felt like 64 00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:31.800 we weren't able to demonstrate ourselves in an unmasked way, 65 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:35.080 and because we only have the mask, right that mask 66 00:03:35.159 --> 00:03:36.560 is going to make us look like we're always at 67 00:03:36.560 --> 00:03:38.599 that level one. Maybe at a level two you might 68 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:40.360 see something in us that looks a little off right, 69 00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:42.759 maybe an eye twitch or just a frustration or a 70 00:03:42.759 --> 00:03:43.280 facial pool. 71 00:03:43.520 --> 00:03:45.800 But this is the reason that it often. 72 00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:48.439 Looks like we go, you know, from zero to one 73 00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:50.080 hundred miles an hour and when it comes to us 74 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:50.840 being frustrated. 75 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:53.280 And I've been accused of this often. 76 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:55.000 Enough, you know, at corporate or you know, with my 77 00:03:55.080 --> 00:03:58.000 family or whatever historically. And I thought about this for 78 00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:00.879 a long time until I finally realized was, oh, I 79 00:04:00.919 --> 00:04:04.080 didn't just lose it out of nowhere. I've been losing 80 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.400 it for a while, but I didn't hold the energy 81 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:07.560 to keep the mask up any longer. 82 00:04:08.319 --> 00:04:10.280 Neurogerversions are also accused of having. 83 00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:21.079 Okay, I often say, hmm, that discovering that I'm autistic saved. 84 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:31.560 My life because in many ways it explained. 85 00:04:32.439 --> 00:04:34.920 Ways that I have existed my entire life that I 86 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:40.079 couldn't stop and that I couldn't change, and it gave 87 00:04:40.120 --> 00:04:46.199 it actual grounding. Now that man is explaining what I 88 00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:53.800 also have read about in autism books and books about masking, etc. 89 00:04:55.120 --> 00:04:57.519 I was just able to show you, guys, though, because 90 00:04:57.560 --> 00:04:59.720 I loved when people are able to communicate it so 91 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:03.120 you can get a reference to it. So there's neurotypical 92 00:05:03.439 --> 00:05:07.800 and neurodivergent, and that's basically the different ways that brains 93 00:05:07.839 --> 00:05:10.279 are structured. You have brains that are neurotypical and brains 94 00:05:10.279 --> 00:05:13.120 that are neurodiversent in how they're wired and how they operate. 95 00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:18.360 The neurodivergent brain has got a lot going on and. 96 00:05:19.879 --> 00:05:24.399 Isn't as straightforward per se in how it processes. 97 00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:25.319 It's nonlinear. 98 00:05:25.879 --> 00:05:29.079 Okay, it's not to say that one brain is better 99 00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:32.360 than the other. However, one brain is a lot harder 100 00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:37.079 to brainwash because it's nonlinear divergent. 101 00:05:37.959 --> 00:05:41.759 Right, So the mask that they're. 102 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:47.279 Talking about is we live in a society that really 103 00:05:49.199 --> 00:05:58.439 prioritizes a very linear, a very passive, a very placid existence. Right, 104 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:03.519 So you're expected to only speak at a certain tone, 105 00:06:03.560 --> 00:06:05.600 You're expected to present in a certain way. 106 00:06:05.680 --> 00:06:06.279 You know, corporate. 107 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:08.839 If anyone here has worked in corporate, they already know 108 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:11.879 that when you work in corporate, you are expected to 109 00:06:12.040 --> 00:06:15.959 follow a certain way of operating. 110 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:18.639 A certain line of protocol. 111 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:24.360 And for those who don't realize, people may look at 112 00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:26.879 me and be like, well, you were never in corporate baby. 113 00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:31.040 When you're on a TV show, you are work. You're 114 00:06:31.079 --> 00:06:35.360 doing a TV show for a corporation. My first job 115 00:06:35.519 --> 00:06:39.959 was for Serious Satellite Radio, which was essentially a corporation. 116 00:06:39.560 --> 00:06:40.519 With a radio station. 117 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:44.519 Okay, when I was doing my show, The Amanda Siel Show, 118 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:47.680 it was a radio show that was in the corporation 119 00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:54.600 of Black Interactive One. So these are all corporate spaces. 120 00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:57.000 I mean it's different when you're doing your own. 121 00:06:56.959 --> 00:06:59.319 Art, when I'm doing my own shows, etc. But when 122 00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:02.319 I am at yes, there are new glasses. But when 123 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:03.279 we are on. 124 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:07.040 These types of shows, you're absolutely in a corporation, in 125 00:07:07.079 --> 00:07:12.480 a corporate setting where there is expectations on how you behave. So, 126 00:07:12.639 --> 00:07:15.439 like my whole career, there's been this thing that's been 127 00:07:15.480 --> 00:07:16.480 like lagging. 128 00:07:16.120 --> 00:07:18.959 Behind me, or actually not even behind me. 129 00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:21.519 There's been an albatross around my neck that's always been 130 00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:22.360 Amanda Seals. 131 00:07:22.360 --> 00:07:26.199 It's difficult, and I used to try. 132 00:07:28.199 --> 00:07:33.439 With every thread and fiber of my soul to not 133 00:07:33.560 --> 00:07:40.120 be that. That meant literally changing the way I speak, 134 00:07:41.720 --> 00:07:49.959 That meant literally biting my tongue sometimes, digging my nails 135 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:56.959 into my palm, to not say what I'm seeing, okay. 136 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:05.600 That meant having to rehearse, like sometimes days weeks in advance, 137 00:08:06.319 --> 00:08:11.600 a conversation before I have it, because I want to 138 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:12.680 make sure. 139 00:08:12.879 --> 00:08:17.040 That I, like, do it right okay. 140 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:24.120 And this is an example of masking. Masking is when 141 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:31.839 neurodivergent folks essentially have to find a way to adjust 142 00:08:32.080 --> 00:08:36.720 themselves to fit into the confines of the space that 143 00:08:36.759 --> 00:08:41.000 they live in. If you have like family or or 144 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:44.960 parents that are not really emotionally mature, that can also 145 00:08:45.120 --> 00:08:49.399 be a reason why you'll mask. And masking is associated 146 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:55.080 with neurodivergence. However, I would also say that sometimes you 147 00:08:55.320 --> 00:08:57.799 mask if you are not necessarily like. 148 00:08:57.840 --> 00:08:59.879 Neurodivergent on the autism spectrum. 149 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:03.039 But if you're a very empathic person, you're gonna have 150 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:07.200 to mask because you feel all the time, and this 151 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:11.600 is not a world that respects feelings, right, So when 152 00:09:11.639 --> 00:09:15.240 you're always hyper sensitive and people start making fun of 153 00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:18.039 you for being hyper sensitive, or they say that you're 154 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:21.360 crying wolf, or they disregard you, dismiss you, etc. 155 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:28.120 You will create the mask to not show that. 156 00:09:28.639 --> 00:09:32.559 When I first moved to LA, both my therapist and 157 00:09:32.600 --> 00:09:35.519 my lawyer told me, you need to come up with 158 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:41.720 a different person that you're outward facing person, because the 159 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:47.320 person you are will not fit in LA. I'm gonna 160 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:49.200 take a spoonful of ice cream and let you marinate 161 00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:50.879 on that for a second, because I'm about to tell 162 00:09:50.919 --> 00:09:54.840 you all the story of how masking and the neuro 163 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:59.919 divergent explosion of the mask took place at an SN 164 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:10.639 magazine photo shoot. So some jackass in here said, Amanda, 165 00:10:10.720 --> 00:10:13.720 this sounds like a Karen and so I'm gonna block 166 00:10:13.799 --> 00:10:16.240 them because they're a jackass. 167 00:10:17.960 --> 00:10:19.080 Now, one of the. 168 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:21.080 Things I want to also ask you guys to do 169 00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:24.879 is shut the f up. You know, like, if you 170 00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:28.399 say something in your head and it sounds like something 171 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:32.200 that I would absolutely not want to. 172 00:10:32.200 --> 00:10:37.320 Hear, keep it to yourself because I'm would block you. 173 00:10:38.759 --> 00:10:43.679 So the man that was speaking earlier was breaking down 174 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:49.360 for you guys, the neurodivergent versus the neurotypical way of 175 00:10:49.720 --> 00:10:57.600 managing frustration. And again remember the linear and nonlinear. So 176 00:10:57.759 --> 00:11:02.480 a neurotypical person is gonna go through like phases of frustration. 177 00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:04.679 That you can. 178 00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:14.080 Typically see right and you watch them get progressively bothered. 179 00:11:14.879 --> 00:11:16.960 And I have been in a lot of scenarios with 180 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:19.000 a lot of different people, so I've actually gotten to 181 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:21.000 see this, like when you look at my cast members 182 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:23.240 on the real like you know, I've been able to 183 00:11:23.320 --> 00:11:31.600 watch people be in this fashion. He pointed out something 184 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:37.000 that was such a light bulb when I first learned 185 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:39.200 about it, So I'm glad I came across it this 186 00:11:39.320 --> 00:11:40.720 video so I could share it with you all. 187 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:47.480 Because for a neurodivergent person, we are so. 188 00:11:49.039 --> 00:11:54.960 Conscious, hyper conscious of the fact that we are an 189 00:11:55.039 --> 00:12:00.840 alien in the world that our mask is fixed to 190 00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:10.399 our face until it literally flies off. So what happens 191 00:12:10.879 --> 00:12:15.399 is that you're engaging in trying to understand, but your 192 00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:18.759 mask is still a fixed to you, and then once 193 00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:22.320 you reach a certain point. For someone else, you would 194 00:12:22.360 --> 00:12:24.399 have seen them gradually get to that point, but to 195 00:12:24.440 --> 00:12:27.240 the neurodivergent person, it just looks like we blew a 196 00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:31.080 fuse because the mask that we had on was the 197 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:35.559 same mask the whole time. Let's talk about this Essence, 198 00:12:35.919 --> 00:12:39.399 this Essence magazine photoshoot that I did in twenty nineteen. 199 00:12:41.559 --> 00:12:43.720 In twenty nineteen, I was. 200 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:47.080 In Grenada and Essence Magazine reached out and wanted to 201 00:12:47.120 --> 00:12:53.480 include me in a photoshoot that they were doing. I 202 00:12:53.519 --> 00:12:56.320 would sorry, side note, I would absolutely say this applies 203 00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:59.919 to highly sensitive people because I consider mpasse neurodive. 204 00:13:01.799 --> 00:13:11.120 So someone on here just. 205 00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:15.559 Said I see blocking as a form of fascism. When 206 00:13:15.639 --> 00:13:29.120 someone doesn't agree with you, well they got blocked. 207 00:13:35.279 --> 00:13:36.960 The way that folks try to. 208 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:43.519 Make the false equivalency of how one controls their space 209 00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:50.519 and how a government interacts with its constituency is just 210 00:13:50.639 --> 00:13:53.399 beyond my scope of comprehension. A home boy of mine 211 00:13:53.440 --> 00:13:55.279 tried to say that to me one time before too. 212 00:13:55.720 --> 00:13:58.639 He was like, how can you care about democracy if 213 00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:00.759 you don't a lot of people to. 214 00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:03.879 Say what they want to see on your page? Excuse me? 215 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:07.559 Are they paid? Are those people contributing to my life? 216 00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:12.960 This isn't a democracy, this this right here? 217 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:14.840 This is a dictatorship. 218 00:14:16.679 --> 00:14:20.759 Okay, this is a dictatorship right here. 219 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:29.960 This is an authoritarian rule. What the fuck? AnyWho? So 220 00:14:32.919 --> 00:14:33.639 I'm in Grenada. 221 00:14:33.759 --> 00:14:35.240 They reach out, They're like, you know, we want you 222 00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:37.120 to be a part of this video, this this photo 223 00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:38.600 shoot that we're. 224 00:14:38.360 --> 00:14:48.080 Doing on on the island. So there was so people. 225 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:50.720 For those who don't know, I my mother's from Grenada. 226 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:53.080 I have Grenadians to the citizenship. I have been going 227 00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.559 to Grenada all my life. I'm very familiar with the island. 228 00:14:55.639 --> 00:15:00.759 It is one of my homes. There was an effort 229 00:15:01.039 --> 00:15:03.039 to make all of the photo shoots because they were 230 00:15:03.080 --> 00:15:06.679 doing some with other people. There was an effort to 231 00:15:06.759 --> 00:15:09.320 make the other photos, to make all the photo shoots 232 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:14.240 be like at hotels, and I wasn't doing that because 233 00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:19.879 the hotels they wanted to do were not owned by Grenadians. 234 00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:22.399 And I was like, no, I'm not doing that. 235 00:15:22.679 --> 00:15:25.159 The only way that I will do these photo shoots, 236 00:15:25.519 --> 00:15:29.120 or I will do my photo shoot, is if it 237 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:33.840 is acknowledging like the eco, you know, the ecology of Grenada, 238 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:39.120 because that really is what makes our islands so unique, right, 239 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:47.200 And people were like, okay, So that's what I did, 240 00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:53.440 and they were fine with it. They said let's do it, 241 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:59.840 and I said, got it. So the day before the shoot, 242 00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:03.879 you know, I met with them and we talked about 243 00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:05.279 just kind of like what the plan. 244 00:16:05.159 --> 00:16:06.840 Was for the shoot. 245 00:16:07.559 --> 00:16:13.840 Now, as a neurodivergent person, as an autistic person I have, 246 00:16:14.679 --> 00:16:19.600 I am not very flexible about things that. 247 00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:27.919 Are particularly when I'm not in control. 248 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:33.720 So if you tell me, like we're doing a shoot 249 00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:40.240 at these places, then I will be flexible as long 250 00:16:40.279 --> 00:16:44.679 as I'm communicated with I require information. It is not 251 00:16:44.759 --> 00:16:48.799 to undermine, it is not to keep people in their place, 252 00:16:48.919 --> 00:16:55.200 et cetera. It's because part of my molecular structure and 253 00:16:55.279 --> 00:17:01.080 the way that I process is in it is it 254 00:17:01.159 --> 00:17:09.039 necessitates information. Okay, so I will ask a million questions 255 00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:13.559 because I'll be wanting to know. Also, because why can't 256 00:17:13.559 --> 00:17:14.680 I ask the million questions? 257 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:17.160 Oh my comments? Stop scrolling Instagram be hating on me. 258 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:28.039 So I was like, Okay, I am. 259 00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:31.000 Going to talk to them and we're gonna talk back 260 00:17:31.079 --> 00:17:33.559 and forth. And so I was. 261 00:17:33.559 --> 00:17:37.160 Giving them ideas, They're giving me ideas, and so you know, 262 00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:39.799 it was beautiful because I love this interaction. 263 00:17:41.880 --> 00:17:42.599 Next day. 264 00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:54.200 Is the shoot, and from the beginning, it starts off 265 00:17:55.079 --> 00:17:56.119 sketchy macwetchee. 266 00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:01.599 So this is when the mask first comes on. Okay, 267 00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:03.640 so we're gonna put the mask on. 268 00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:09.559 I was told that we're starting at nine point thirty. 269 00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:17.000 I get up, I text my person who is the 270 00:18:17.279 --> 00:18:27.240 point person, and they don't respond for an hour. So 271 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:35.640 I am already now from jump disregulated. Now some people 272 00:18:35.720 --> 00:18:38.519 might be like, oh my gosh, like that little thing disregulated. 273 00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:42.480 You yes, because. 274 00:18:43.880 --> 00:18:47.400 In order for me to be in these spaces, I 275 00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:50.519 have to prepare myself. 276 00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:51.799 For these spaces. 277 00:18:52.720 --> 00:19:00.519 So once it starts to throw off, I like, once 278 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:03.680 the plan is starting to divert, you know, my preparation 279 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:09.440 is now getting disrupted, right, I'm also like by myself. 280 00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:11.720 I don't have a publicist with me, or an agent 281 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:15.400 or a manager with me, so i'm you know, and 282 00:19:15.480 --> 00:19:17.759 these are not people that I know like that, you know. 283 00:19:17.720 --> 00:19:21.200 These are just acquaintances. So you know, I'm just like okay, 284 00:19:21.880 --> 00:19:29.119 but the mask has been put on to pretend like 285 00:19:29.160 --> 00:19:30.119 I'm not bothered. 286 00:19:32.440 --> 00:19:35.400 So in contrast, because I've demasked at this age in 287 00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:38.720 my life now, in contrast, I would have said, hey, 288 00:19:40.359 --> 00:19:44.640 I feel uncomfortable starting an hour late, so I'm gonna 289 00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:47.799 need us to not do this this way moving forward, 290 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:54.279 because it disrupts my comfortability. That's what That's how I 291 00:19:54.279 --> 00:19:57.559 would deal with it now, even if it pissed people off, 292 00:19:58.599 --> 00:20:00.519 That's how I would deal with it now. Back then, 293 00:20:01.400 --> 00:20:04.279 I don't want to be seen as difficult. I don't 294 00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:06.799 want to be seen as the problem. I don't want 295 00:20:06.839 --> 00:20:09.880 to be seed as annoying. So I'm just going to 296 00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:20.000 go with the flow. However, we already know I'm already off. Okay, 297 00:20:21.119 --> 00:20:24.599 So now the makeup artist comes to my room and 298 00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:27.160 she does my makeup, and she does a terrible job. 299 00:20:29.480 --> 00:20:32.960 And it was fascinating also, by the way, because this 300 00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:36.480 was the first time that it was that I was 301 00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:40.759 too light skinned for her, Like she was really good 302 00:20:40.759 --> 00:20:46.160 at doing darker skinned models and that was fabulous. But 303 00:20:46.559 --> 00:20:52.240 for I threw off her shade, like literally her shades. 304 00:20:53.599 --> 00:20:58.720 So she leaves the room. Now I'm like, oh shit, 305 00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:01.799 I look a fucking mess. 306 00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:05.759 Remember this is for an Essence magazine photo shoot. So 307 00:21:05.960 --> 00:21:09.400 now we are an hour late and a lady then 308 00:21:09.480 --> 00:21:12.200 came in done my makeup and screwed it up. Now 309 00:21:12.359 --> 00:21:15.480 I have to pretend like she's not screwing it up 310 00:21:15.519 --> 00:21:18.160 because I don't want to look difficult. I don't want 311 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:21.359 to look like a problem child. And so now the 312 00:21:21.559 --> 00:21:28.160 mask is still fixed, but the temper, the frustration has 313 00:21:28.200 --> 00:21:32.039 gone up a bit. So now I go downstairs to 314 00:21:32.200 --> 00:21:40.559 tell the person in charge, this woman Julie, Hey, so 315 00:21:41.480 --> 00:21:44.400 I'm actually like not really feeling the makeup. I want 316 00:21:44.440 --> 00:21:47.440 y'all to know the amount of effort it requires for 317 00:21:47.559 --> 00:21:50.160 me to talk in this tone and for me to, 318 00:21:50.839 --> 00:21:53.559 you know, really just keep it like real sweet and light, 319 00:21:53.880 --> 00:21:55.559 because I don't talk like that. This is how I 320 00:21:55.599 --> 00:21:57.960 actually talk. This is how I talk all the time. 321 00:21:58.440 --> 00:22:01.079 Whenever you hear me changing up my voice, that's me 322 00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:04.920 doing it for y'all. This is how I talk everywhere 323 00:22:05.279 --> 00:22:12.480 all the time. So I'm like, hey, so I'm not 324 00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:14.480 really feeling the makeup, but I do have my own 325 00:22:14.519 --> 00:22:18.599 makeup here, because again I'm trying my best to just 326 00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:21.319 be placid. 327 00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:22.839 I'm trying, you know. 328 00:22:22.920 --> 00:22:25.359 So I was like, I'm actually gonna just do my 329 00:22:25.400 --> 00:22:28.400 own makeup. So they were like, oh, yeah, no problem. 330 00:22:28.599 --> 00:22:32.599 Now Julie, she had must have been hasty in the morning, 331 00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:33.400 and so she had. 332 00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:39.240 A little line for her for her what's the word 333 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:45.000 I'm looking for? Foundation? And so I said, oh, rub 334 00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:47.319 that in right there, rub that in right there. Remember that. 335 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:52.400 Now I'm thinking, I'm being a sister girl. 336 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:56.519 So now I go back to the room and now 337 00:22:56.559 --> 00:23:01.440 I gotta do my own makeup, which. 338 00:23:03.400 --> 00:23:05.920 Again not. 339 00:23:10.480 --> 00:23:18.519 What I want to do. Nonetheless, this is the option. 340 00:23:20.039 --> 00:23:25.519 So the neurodivergent at this Essence magazine shoot by myself, 341 00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:31.680 somebody definitely did say coke just trying my best, try 342 00:23:31.720 --> 00:23:34.680 my best. The mask is still on. Yay, the mask 343 00:23:34.759 --> 00:23:44.319 is still on. So now we go do the first shot. 344 00:23:45.440 --> 00:23:49.400 So we do the first shot. And I don't think 345 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:58.200 people really understand, like I am not like taking pictures. 346 00:23:58.240 --> 00:23:59.799 I have to like get into it. I've had this 347 00:24:00.039 --> 00:24:10.839 same photographer, Rome. Okay, Rome has been taking Jerome Shaw 348 00:24:12.319 --> 00:24:19.359 has been taking my photos, my promo photos. 349 00:24:17.079 --> 00:24:20.720 Since twenty twelve. 350 00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:30.039 Literally, demn here, fifteen years. Rome has been taking my photos. 351 00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:35.000 The ninety nine percent of the promo photos you have 352 00:24:35.079 --> 00:24:39.960 seen of me, Jerome Shaw because me and Rome, we 353 00:24:40.039 --> 00:24:42.319 know the time, we know the vibe. 354 00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:44.880 He knows exactly what to say to me to get 355 00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:46.920 the results. I just did a shoot with. 356 00:24:46.920 --> 00:24:51.279 Him two months ago, so shout out to Rome. Photos 357 00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:53.079 by Rome. He's also. 358 00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:58.079 With it. Okay, that's my brother right there. 359 00:25:00.279 --> 00:25:02.880 When we're doing the photo shoot, I don't have room 360 00:25:03.079 --> 00:25:05.279 and so I'm having to adjust to the photographer. 361 00:25:05.319 --> 00:25:08.519 And you know, they're used to models. I'm not a model. 362 00:25:09.480 --> 00:25:12.720 Okay, they're used to models, so they're used to kind 363 00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:16.079 of folks knowing exactly what to do, and I don't 364 00:25:16.119 --> 00:25:17.440 know exactly what to do. 365 00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:19.920 I do need guidance. 366 00:25:19.880 --> 00:25:23.160 Okay, I'm like on the ground, like in a bikini, 367 00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:27.240 Like it's just a lot. So it's not a pillow, 368 00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:29.279 it's a T shirt. I'm literally lying on clothes that 369 00:25:29.319 --> 00:25:35.319 I'm in the middle of putting away. So now I am. 370 00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:37.000 All set. 371 00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:40.000 We do this first shot, and now we are going 372 00:25:40.079 --> 00:25:43.640 to the next stop. So we get in the van 373 00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:47.079 and we go to the next stop. And the next 374 00:25:47.079 --> 00:25:55.000 stop is is on a sailboat in the carnage. And 375 00:25:56.759 --> 00:26:01.480 anybody who is from somewhere were from somewhere somewhere, like 376 00:26:01.720 --> 00:26:05.440 many of us take pride in knowing, you know, like 377 00:26:05.559 --> 00:26:08.680 the ones and twos of that place. And I'm the 378 00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:11.759 kind of person where I feel like, if you know 379 00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:15.200 the ones in tooses somewhere, like put me on you 380 00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:18.119 know what I'm saying, Like help me out. And so 381 00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:21.799 that's the kind of energy I'm gonna offer somebody. If 382 00:26:21.799 --> 00:26:25.920 we're in Grenada and you not from Grenada, Hey, Jen, 383 00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:30.079 I'm gonna tell you the ones in twos, especially shout 384 00:26:30.119 --> 00:26:38.519 out to all my neurodivergence who are going to info dump. Okay, 385 00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:43.119 we're gonna info dump, y'oll. But we're doing it all right. 386 00:26:44.519 --> 00:26:49.359 So anyway, we get to the carnage, and they're basically 387 00:26:49.400 --> 00:26:51.720 saying like, oh, we can't go into bullet they could 388 00:26:51.720 --> 00:26:52.799 only have so many people. 389 00:26:52.839 --> 00:26:53.599 But da da da da. 390 00:26:53.680 --> 00:26:56.359 And I was like, hey, he's lying, y'all. They be 391 00:26:56.440 --> 00:27:00.559 having Hella folks on that boat. So I'm thinking again 392 00:27:00.839 --> 00:27:09.440 that I'm being helpful. Okay, I'm thinking I'm being helpful. 393 00:27:09.759 --> 00:27:12.440 So we go on the boat and I take the 394 00:27:12.440 --> 00:27:17.480 photos and you know, they actually end up like this 395 00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:20.039 whole boat set up scene. I saw some of the 396 00:27:20.359 --> 00:27:23.400 like shots on the camera and they looked really really well, 397 00:27:23.960 --> 00:27:24.839 they looked really dope. 398 00:27:24.880 --> 00:27:26.599 It was a woman photographer. 399 00:27:26.799 --> 00:27:32.359 She was brilliant with her eye, just really dope. 400 00:27:32.480 --> 00:27:32.880 And so. 401 00:27:34.920 --> 00:27:40.519