Speaker 1: You know, a friend once told me my life is
Speaker 1: lived for others to laugh and learn from, and she
Speaker 1: was RIGHTEO never runs a moment.
Speaker 2: I like no story time for the neurodivergence.
Speaker 1: I mean, anyone can get in, but this will help
Speaker 1: you understand your neurospicy bredren cisterns and non binarians.
Speaker 2: Much better.
Speaker 1: Oh man, So I'm gonna play y'all a video and
Speaker 1: then I'm gonna tell y'all a story about when I
Speaker 1: did an essence shoot in Grenada. So I want you
Speaker 1: to watch the video. Okay, watch the video, and then
Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk about how this video relates and how
Speaker 1: it actually decoded something that's happened to me many times
Speaker 1: in my life. But I'm gonna give you a very
Speaker 1: specific way that this played out when I did a
Speaker 1: shoot for ES's magazine and Grenada.
Speaker 3: Neurodiversions are also accused of having a really short temper,
Speaker 3: and I don't think that's necessarily true inherently, but I
Speaker 3: do know that it does often look like that, and
Speaker 3: it'll let me explain.
Speaker 4: I mean this little graft to help you understand here,
Speaker 4: neurotypical the.
Speaker 3: Way you socialize information, the way you socialize interactions, you
Speaker 3: are sort of permitted to some degree to increasingly demonstrate
Speaker 3: your frustration.
Speaker 4: Right, you see, you have one all the way through
Speaker 4: ten with this nice little color coded gradient.
Speaker 3: When you're neurodivergent and you are working in certain environments
Speaker 3: that you don't feel very safe in it, you're going.
Speaker 4: To put on a mask. And with that mask, right.
Speaker 3: We don't have different masks for different degrees of frustration.
Speaker 4: We have of the mask.
Speaker 3: And so if you're getting frustrated at something, you're very
Speaker 3: often as a neurodiversent person, you're not showing that frustration
Speaker 3: in the same way that other people are. And so
Speaker 3: that means you're not showing that frustration in a way
Speaker 3: that most other people are going to see. So you're
Speaker 3: holding that mask while you're continuing to, let's just say,
Speaker 3: ask clarifying examples or you know, demonstrate your side of
Speaker 3: the argument, while whatever's happening that is continuing to frustrate you.
Speaker 4: And so you're going on and you're going on, and
Speaker 4: you're going on, and on.
Speaker 3: The inside those levels are jumping up just like they
Speaker 3: would be for a neurotypical person, but on the outside,
Speaker 3: you're only showing that level one, that level one, maybe
Speaker 3: a level two, until a point where you've used up
Speaker 3: all of your energy that's available right now and you
Speaker 3: cannot continue to hold that mask. And so what that
Speaker 3: means is that mask drops, and now all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: everybody that's around you can see that you're actually at
Speaker 3: a level seven or you're actually at a level ten.
Speaker 3: This is why it looks like we just lost our shit,
Speaker 3: why we just threw a or through a tantrum, it's
Speaker 3: not because more often than not, we just did a
Speaker 3: complete one eighty and just went from totally happy completely insane.
Speaker 3: When we are like this, if you're a neurotypical person, oftentimes,
Speaker 3: especially in the work environment, it's because we felt like
Speaker 3: people weren't listening to us, or people were stepping over us.
Speaker 3: You know, we're trying to present our information and we're
Speaker 3: not being permitted to speak. That can be a real
Speaker 3: big issue, and there's of course a million other things
Speaker 3: that are going to make us do this, But when
Speaker 3: it's all said and done, it's because we felt like
Speaker 3: we weren't able to demonstrate ourselves in an unmasked way,
Speaker 3: and because we only have the mask, right that mask
Speaker 3: is going to make us look like we're always at
Speaker 3: that level one. Maybe at a level two you might
Speaker 3: see something in us that looks a little off right,
Speaker 3: maybe an eye twitch or just a frustration or a
Speaker 3: facial pool.
Speaker 4: But this is the reason that it often.
Speaker 3: Looks like we go, you know, from zero to one
Speaker 3: hundred miles an hour and when it comes to us
Speaker 3: being frustrated.
Speaker 4: And I've been accused of this often.
Speaker 3: Enough, you know, at corporate or you know, with my
Speaker 3: family or whatever historically. And I thought about this for
Speaker 3: a long time until I finally realized was, oh, I
Speaker 3: didn't just lose it out of nowhere. I've been losing
Speaker 3: it for a while, but I didn't hold the energy
Speaker 3: to keep the mask up any longer.
Speaker 4: Neurogerversions are also accused of having.
Speaker 1: Okay, I often say, hmm, that discovering that I'm autistic saved.
Speaker 2: My life because in many ways it explained.
Speaker 1: Ways that I have existed my entire life that I
Speaker 1: couldn't stop and that I couldn't change, and it gave
Speaker 1: it actual grounding. Now that man is explaining what I
Speaker 1: also have read about in autism books and books about masking, etc.
Speaker 1: I was just able to show you, guys, though, because
Speaker 1: I loved when people are able to communicate it so
Speaker 1: you can get a reference to it. So there's neurotypical
Speaker 1: and neurodivergent, and that's basically the different ways that brains
Speaker 1: are structured. You have brains that are neurotypical and brains
Speaker 1: that are neurodiversent in how they're wired and how they operate.
Speaker 2: The neurodivergent brain has got a lot going on and.
Speaker 1: Isn't as straightforward per se in how it processes.
Speaker 2: It's nonlinear.
Speaker 1: Okay, it's not to say that one brain is better
Speaker 1: than the other. However, one brain is a lot harder
Speaker 1: to brainwash because it's nonlinear divergent.
Speaker 2: Right, So the mask that they're.
Speaker 1: Talking about is we live in a society that really
Speaker 1: prioritizes a very linear, a very passive, a very placid existence. Right,
Speaker 1: So you're expected to only speak at a certain tone,
Speaker 1: You're expected to present in a certain way.
Speaker 2: You know, corporate.
Speaker 1: If anyone here has worked in corporate, they already know
Speaker 1: that when you work in corporate, you are expected to
Speaker 1: follow a certain way of operating.
Speaker 2: A certain line of protocol.
Speaker 1: And for those who don't realize, people may look at
Speaker 1: me and be like, well, you were never in corporate baby.
Speaker 1: When you're on a TV show, you are work. You're
Speaker 1: doing a TV show for a corporation. My first job
Speaker 1: was for Serious Satellite Radio, which was essentially a corporation.
Speaker 2: With a radio station.
Speaker 1: Okay, when I was doing my show, The Amanda Siel Show,
Speaker 1: it was a radio show that was in the corporation
Speaker 1: of Black Interactive One. So these are all corporate spaces.
Speaker 1: I mean it's different when you're doing your own.
Speaker 2: Art, when I'm doing my own shows, etc. But when
Speaker 2: I am at yes, there are new glasses. But when
Speaker 2: we are on.
Speaker 1: These types of shows, you're absolutely in a corporation, in
Speaker 1: a corporate setting where there is expectations on how you behave. So,
Speaker 1: like my whole career, there's been this thing that's been
Speaker 1: like lagging.
Speaker 2: Behind me, or actually not even behind me.
Speaker 1: There's been an albatross around my neck that's always been
Speaker 1: Amanda Seals.
Speaker 2: It's difficult, and I used to try.
Speaker 1: With every thread and fiber of my soul to not
Speaker 1: be that. That meant literally changing the way I speak,
Speaker 1: That meant literally biting my tongue sometimes, digging my nails
Speaker 1: into my palm, to not say what I'm seeing, okay.
Speaker 1: That meant having to rehearse, like sometimes days weeks in advance,
Speaker 1: a conversation before I have it, because I want to
Speaker 1: make sure.
Speaker 2: That I, like, do it right okay.
Speaker 1: And this is an example of masking. Masking is when
Speaker 1: neurodivergent folks essentially have to find a way to adjust
Speaker 1: themselves to fit into the confines of the space that
Speaker 1: they live in. If you have like family or or
Speaker 1: parents that are not really emotionally mature, that can also
Speaker 1: be a reason why you'll mask. And masking is associated
Speaker 1: with neurodivergence. However, I would also say that sometimes you
Speaker 1: mask if you are not necessarily like.
Speaker 2: Neurodivergent on the autism spectrum.
Speaker 1: But if you're a very empathic person, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to mask because you feel all the time, and this
Speaker 1: is not a world that respects feelings, right, So when
Speaker 1: you're always hyper sensitive and people start making fun of
Speaker 1: you for being hyper sensitive, or they say that you're
Speaker 1: crying wolf, or they disregard you, dismiss you, etc.
Speaker 2: You will create the mask to not show that.
Speaker 1: When I first moved to LA, both my therapist and
Speaker 1: my lawyer told me, you need to come up with
Speaker 1: a different person that you're outward facing person, because the
Speaker 1: person you are will not fit in LA. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: take a spoonful of ice cream and let you marinate
Speaker 1: on that for a second, because I'm about to tell
Speaker 1: you all the story of how masking and the neuro
Speaker 1: divergent explosion of the mask took place at an SN
Speaker 1: magazine photo shoot. So some jackass in here said, Amanda,
Speaker 1: this sounds like a Karen and so I'm gonna block
Speaker 1: them because they're a jackass.
Speaker 2: Now, one of the.
Speaker 1: Things I want to also ask you guys to do
Speaker 1: is shut the f up. You know, like, if you
Speaker 1: say something in your head and it sounds like something
Speaker 1: that I would absolutely not want to.
Speaker 2: Hear, keep it to yourself because I'm would block you.
Speaker 1: So the man that was speaking earlier was breaking down
Speaker 1: for you guys, the neurodivergent versus the neurotypical way of
Speaker 1: managing frustration. And again remember the linear and nonlinear. So
Speaker 1: a neurotypical person is gonna go through like phases of frustration.
Speaker 2: That you can.
Speaker 1: Typically see right and you watch them get progressively bothered.
Speaker 1: And I have been in a lot of scenarios with
Speaker 1: a lot of different people, so I've actually gotten to
Speaker 1: see this, like when you look at my cast members
Speaker 1: on the real like you know, I've been able to
Speaker 1: watch people be in this fashion. He pointed out something
Speaker 1: that was such a light bulb when I first learned
Speaker 1: about it, So I'm glad I came across it this
Speaker 1: video so I could share it with you all.
Speaker 2: Because for a neurodivergent person, we are so.
Speaker 1: Conscious, hyper conscious of the fact that we are an
Speaker 1: alien in the world that our mask is fixed to
Speaker 1: our face until it literally flies off. So what happens
Speaker 1: is that you're engaging in trying to understand, but your
Speaker 1: mask is still a fixed to you, and then once
Speaker 1: you reach a certain point. For someone else, you would
Speaker 1: have seen them gradually get to that point, but to
Speaker 1: the neurodivergent person, it just looks like we blew a
Speaker 1: fuse because the mask that we had on was the
Speaker 1: same mask the whole time. Let's talk about this Essence,
Speaker 1: this Essence magazine photoshoot that I did in twenty nineteen.
Speaker 2: In twenty nineteen, I was.
Speaker 1: In Grenada and Essence Magazine reached out and wanted to
Speaker 1: include me in a photoshoot that they were doing. I
Speaker 1: would sorry, side note, I would absolutely say this applies
Speaker 1: to highly sensitive people because I consider mpasse neurodive.
Speaker 2: So someone on here just.
Speaker 1: Said I see blocking as a form of fascism. When
Speaker 1: someone doesn't agree with you, well they got blocked.
Speaker 2: The way that folks try to.
Speaker 1: Make the false equivalency of how one controls their space
Speaker 1: and how a government interacts with its constituency is just
Speaker 1: beyond my scope of comprehension. A home boy of mine
Speaker 1: tried to say that to me one time before too.
Speaker 1: He was like, how can you care about democracy if
Speaker 1: you don't a lot of people to.
Speaker 2: Say what they want to see on your page? Excuse me?
Speaker 2: Are they paid? Are those people contributing to my life?
Speaker 1: This isn't a democracy, this this right here?
Speaker 2: This is a dictatorship.
Speaker 1: Okay, this is a dictatorship right here.
Speaker 2: This is an authoritarian rule. What the fuck? AnyWho? So
Speaker 2: I'm in Grenada.
Speaker 1: They reach out, They're like, you know, we want you
Speaker 1: to be a part of this video, this this photo
Speaker 1: shoot that we're.
Speaker 2: Doing on on the island. So there was so people.
Speaker 1: For those who don't know, I my mother's from Grenada.
Speaker 1: I have Grenadians to the citizenship. I have been going
Speaker 1: to Grenada all my life. I'm very familiar with the island.
Speaker 1: It is one of my homes. There was an effort
Speaker 1: to make all of the photo shoots because they were
Speaker 1: doing some with other people. There was an effort to
Speaker 1: make the other photos, to make all the photo shoots
Speaker 1: be like at hotels, and I wasn't doing that because
Speaker 1: the hotels they wanted to do were not owned by Grenadians.
Speaker 2: And I was like, no, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 1: The only way that I will do these photo shoots,
Speaker 1: or I will do my photo shoot, is if it
Speaker 1: is acknowledging like the eco, you know, the ecology of Grenada,
Speaker 1: because that really is what makes our islands so unique, right,
Speaker 1: And people were like, okay, So that's what I did,
Speaker 1: and they were fine with it. They said let's do it,
Speaker 1: and I said, got it. So the day before the shoot,
Speaker 1: you know, I met with them and we talked about
Speaker 1: just kind of like what the plan.
Speaker 2: Was for the shoot.
Speaker 1: Now, as a neurodivergent person, as an autistic person I have,
Speaker 1: I am not very flexible about things that.
Speaker 2: Are particularly when I'm not in control.
Speaker 1: So if you tell me, like we're doing a shoot
Speaker 1: at these places, then I will be flexible as long
Speaker 1: as I'm communicated with I require information. It is not
Speaker 1: to undermine, it is not to keep people in their place,
Speaker 1: et cetera. It's because part of my molecular structure and
Speaker 1: the way that I process is in it is it
Speaker 1: necessitates information. Okay, so I will ask a million questions
Speaker 1: because I'll be wanting to know. Also, because why can't
Speaker 1: I ask the million questions?
Speaker 2: Oh my comments? Stop scrolling Instagram be hating on me.
Speaker 1: So I was like, Okay, I am.
Speaker 2: Going to talk to them and we're gonna talk back
Speaker 2: and forth. And so I was.
Speaker 1: Giving them ideas, They're giving me ideas, and so you know,
Speaker 1: it was beautiful because I love this interaction.
Speaker 2: Next day.
Speaker 1: Is the shoot, and from the beginning, it starts off
Speaker 1: sketchy macwetchee.
Speaker 2: So this is when the mask first comes on. Okay,
Speaker 2: so we're gonna put the mask on.
Speaker 1: I was told that we're starting at nine point thirty.
Speaker 1: I get up, I text my person who is the
Speaker 1: point person, and they don't respond for an hour. So
Speaker 1: I am already now from jump disregulated. Now some people
Speaker 1: might be like, oh my gosh, like that little thing disregulated.
Speaker 2: You yes, because.
Speaker 1: In order for me to be in these spaces, I
Speaker 1: have to prepare myself.
Speaker 2: For these spaces.
Speaker 1: So once it starts to throw off, I like, once
Speaker 1: the plan is starting to divert, you know, my preparation
Speaker 1: is now getting disrupted, right, I'm also like by myself.
Speaker 1: I don't have a publicist with me, or an agent
Speaker 1: or a manager with me, so i'm you know, and
Speaker 1: these are not people that I know like that, you know.
Speaker 2: These are just acquaintances. So you know, I'm just like okay,
Speaker 2: but the mask has been put on to pretend like
Speaker 2: I'm not bothered.
Speaker 1: So in contrast, because I've demasked at this age in
Speaker 1: my life now, in contrast, I would have said, hey,
Speaker 1: I feel uncomfortable starting an hour late, so I'm gonna
Speaker 1: need us to not do this this way moving forward,
Speaker 1: because it disrupts my comfortability. That's what That's how I
Speaker 1: would deal with it now, even if it pissed people off,
Speaker 1: That's how I would deal with it now. Back then,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be seen as difficult. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be seen as the problem. I don't want
Speaker 1: to be seed as annoying. So I'm just going to
Speaker 1: go with the flow. However, we already know I'm already off. Okay,
Speaker 1: So now the makeup artist comes to my room and
Speaker 1: she does my makeup, and she does a terrible job.
Speaker 1: And it was fascinating also, by the way, because this
Speaker 1: was the first time that it was that I was
Speaker 1: too light skinned for her, Like she was really good
Speaker 1: at doing darker skinned models and that was fabulous. But
Speaker 1: for I threw off her shade, like literally her shades.
Speaker 2: So she leaves the room. Now I'm like, oh shit,
Speaker 2: I look a fucking mess.
Speaker 1: Remember this is for an Essence magazine photo shoot. So
Speaker 1: now we are an hour late and a lady then
Speaker 1: came in done my makeup and screwed it up. Now
Speaker 1: I have to pretend like she's not screwing it up
Speaker 1: because I don't want to look difficult. I don't want
Speaker 1: to look like a problem child. And so now the
Speaker 1: mask is still fixed, but the temper, the frustration has
Speaker 1: gone up a bit. So now I go downstairs to
Speaker 1: tell the person in charge, this woman Julie, Hey, so
Speaker 1: I'm actually like not really feeling the makeup. I want
Speaker 1: y'all to know the amount of effort it requires for
Speaker 1: me to talk in this tone and for me to,
Speaker 1: you know, really just keep it like real sweet and light,
Speaker 1: because I don't talk like that. This is how I
Speaker 1: actually talk. This is how I talk all the time.
Speaker 1: Whenever you hear me changing up my voice, that's me
Speaker 1: doing it for y'all. This is how I talk everywhere
Speaker 1: all the time. So I'm like, hey, so I'm not
Speaker 1: really feeling the makeup, but I do have my own
Speaker 1: makeup here, because again I'm trying my best to just
Speaker 1: be placid.
Speaker 2: I'm trying, you know.
Speaker 1: So I was like, I'm actually gonna just do my
Speaker 1: own makeup. So they were like, oh, yeah, no problem.
Speaker 1: Now Julie, she had must have been hasty in the morning,
Speaker 1: and so she had.
Speaker 2: A little line for her for her what's the word
Speaker 2: I'm looking for? Foundation? And so I said, oh, rub
Speaker 2: that in right there, rub that in right there. Remember that.
Speaker 2: Now I'm thinking, I'm being a sister girl.
Speaker 1: So now I go back to the room and now
Speaker 1: I gotta do my own makeup, which.
Speaker 2: Again not.
Speaker 1: What I want to do. Nonetheless, this is the option.
Speaker 1: So the neurodivergent at this Essence magazine shoot by myself,
Speaker 1: somebody definitely did say coke just trying my best, try
Speaker 1: my best. The mask is still on. Yay, the mask
Speaker 1: is still on. So now we go do the first shot.
Speaker 1: So we do the first shot. And I don't think
Speaker 1: people really understand, like I am not like taking pictures.
Speaker 1: I have to like get into it. I've had this
Speaker 1: same photographer, Rome. Okay, Rome has been taking Jerome Shaw
Speaker 1: has been taking my photos, my promo photos.
Speaker 2: Since twenty twelve.
Speaker 1: Literally, demn here, fifteen years. Rome has been taking my photos.
Speaker 1: The ninety nine percent of the promo photos you have
Speaker 1: seen of me, Jerome Shaw because me and Rome, we
Speaker 1: know the time, we know the vibe.
Speaker 2: He knows exactly what to say to me to get
Speaker 2: the results. I just did a shoot with.
Speaker 1: Him two months ago, so shout out to Rome. Photos
Speaker 1: by Rome. He's also.
Speaker 2: With it. Okay, that's my brother right there.
Speaker 1: When we're doing the photo shoot, I don't have room
Speaker 1: and so I'm having to adjust to the photographer.
Speaker 2: And you know, they're used to models. I'm not a model.
Speaker 1: Okay, they're used to models, so they're used to kind
Speaker 1: of folks knowing exactly what to do, and I don't
Speaker 1: know exactly what to do.
Speaker 2: I do need guidance.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm like on the ground, like in a bikini,
Speaker 1: Like it's just a lot. So it's not a pillow,
Speaker 1: it's a T shirt. I'm literally lying on clothes that
Speaker 1: I'm in the middle of putting away. So now I am.
Speaker 2: All set.
Speaker 1: We do this first shot, and now we are going
Speaker 1: to the next stop. So we get in the van
Speaker 1: and we go to the next stop. And the next
Speaker 1: stop is is on a sailboat in the carnage. And
Speaker 1: anybody who is from somewhere were from somewhere somewhere, like
Speaker 1: many of us take pride in knowing, you know, like
Speaker 1: the ones and twos of that place. And I'm the
Speaker 1: kind of person where I feel like, if you know
Speaker 1: the ones in tooses somewhere, like put me on you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like help me out. And so
Speaker 1: that's the kind of energy I'm gonna offer somebody. If
Speaker 1: we're in Grenada and you not from Grenada, Hey, Jen,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you the ones in twos, especially shout
Speaker 1: out to all my neurodivergence who are going to info dump. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're gonna info dump, y'oll. But we're doing it all right.
Speaker 1: So anyway, we get to the carnage, and they're basically
Speaker 1: saying like, oh, we can't go into bullet they could
Speaker 1: only have so many people.
Speaker 2: But da da da da.
Speaker 1: And I was like, hey, he's lying, y'all. They be
Speaker 1: having Hella folks on that boat. So I'm thinking again
Speaker 1: that I'm being helpful. Okay, I'm thinking I'm being helpful.
Speaker 1: So we go on the boat and I take the
Speaker 1: photos and you know, they actually end up like this
Speaker 1: whole boat set up scene. I saw some of the
Speaker 1: like shots on the camera and they looked really really well,
Speaker 1: they looked really dope.
Speaker 2: It was a woman photographer.
Speaker 1: She was brilliant with her eye, just really dope.
Speaker 2: And so.
Speaker 1: Now we get in the car and we start to drive.
Speaker 1: But no one's telling me where we're going. Now, remember
Speaker 1: I was already frustrated before. Now I've kind of I plateaued,
Speaker 1: But it's not like it's not like anyone ever met my.
Speaker 2: Needs.
Speaker 1: I just plateaued in my frustration, but it never necessarily regulated.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
Speaker 1: So for anyone who's joining us, I am telling a
Speaker 1: story about a neurodivergent meltdown that took place during an
Speaker 1: Essence magazine photoshoot that I did in Grenada in twenty nineteen.
Speaker 2: So now we are driving.
Speaker 1: And my homegirls, Tornia and this one who was my
Speaker 1: friend at the time, Terra, they have come to join us.
Speaker 1: Now there was another girl that I thought was cool
Speaker 1: with me, but I very quickly saw that she, even
Speaker 1: though she was Grenadian, that she had very much tethered
Speaker 1: herself to the essence folks versus me. And I understood
Speaker 1: quickly like, oh, she's in an opportunism mind state, so
Speaker 1: like that's where she's gonna lean in versus being on
Speaker 1: some light. Let me talk to them and get the
Speaker 1: one too, and then relay it to use that we're
Speaker 1: all on the same page, because that's how I exist.
Speaker 1: Like I'm always the spoof by the door. I'm always
Speaker 1: the team player, Like I'm always the one who's like, okay,
Speaker 1: so what we do with y'all because we can't let them,
Speaker 1: you know, one of us. But everybody in on that
Speaker 1: type of time shout out to Adrian Byline, shout out
Speaker 1: to Genie MII because they was on that type of time.
Speaker 1: So now we are driving, and I started to realize, like.
Speaker 2: Now, hold on, now where are we going?
Speaker 1: Because we're supposed to be going to the waterfall, to
Speaker 1: Anadale Fall, and then we're supposed to be going to
Speaker 1: Belmont estate in the country. However, I realized, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: we've passed Annadale and Townia is I mean, she's like
Speaker 1: the Grenada. I mean, she's literally the head of marketing
Speaker 1: for Grenada tourism. Now, so I say to Tonia, did.
Speaker 2: We passed at a Dale? All? Right? Then she was like, yeah,
Speaker 2: we pass it.
Speaker 1: So now this is when I start feeling very dysregulated
Speaker 1: for all of my neurodivergence out there. Tell me if
Speaker 1: you have felt this way as well, Like when you
Speaker 1: are diverted from the plan and no one informs you,
Speaker 1: it makes you feel very scrambly, like.
Speaker 2: You start to I don't know, like you start.
Speaker 1: To pandit panic, right, because it's like what you had aligned.
Speaker 2: And expected is now not happening. And so now you
Speaker 2: know the mask, it's still a fixated fix fixated, right.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, Hey, what's going on?
Speaker 2: How come we're not going to the to the waterfall?
Speaker 1: Oh no, We're not going to the waterfall anymore because
Speaker 1: we have to go to Belmont or else it's gonna close. Okay,
Speaker 1: I can put up with changes to a certain extent. However,
Speaker 1: once you lie to me, I start to really.
Speaker 2: Unravel.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't manage that well. And for many
Speaker 1: folks who have said, Amanda's this, Amanda's that they may
Speaker 1: have lied to me or I thought they lied to me,
Speaker 1: and so they.
Speaker 2: They got the shift.
Speaker 1: So once they once they said, if we don't get
Speaker 1: to bell we were we we had to skip the
Speaker 1: waterfall because we have to go to Belmont. I knew
Speaker 1: they were lying. My aunt owns Belmont estate. So you're
Speaker 1: telling me that she says she's gonna close it before
Speaker 1: we get there. You telling me that chadel is a
Speaker 1: cool is it before.
Speaker 2: They get in?
Speaker 1: And also think about the American hubris of lying to
Speaker 1: a Grenadian about Grenada. Picture that, like, that's so wildly arrogant.
Speaker 1: So she says this to me, My mask is starting
Speaker 1: to slip. I call Chadell. I'm sitting in front of Shorty.
Speaker 1: I call Shadell and should I said, you know, they
Speaker 1: said that if we don't go, if we don't go, no,
Speaker 1: that they're you're gonna close the You're gonna.
Speaker 2: Close your state. She said, well, you mean close your stance.
Speaker 2: We waited for you. We live. Yeah, they wait, I mean.
Speaker 1: So I get off the phone and I turn around
Speaker 1: and I say, you know, I'm not sure why you
Speaker 1: weren't being honest with me, but I know that the
Speaker 1: reason we're skipping the waterfall isn't because of Belmont. My
Speaker 1: aunt shadel owns Belmont to state, So why are you
Speaker 1: lying to me? Oh? And you know what's wild is
Speaker 1: how when people are accused of lying who are actually
Speaker 1: lying to you, they are so gifted at making it
Speaker 1: like you are the problem for pointing out that they're
Speaker 1: lying to you. So this Julie person is like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, we we we we you know, there's there's
Speaker 1: already been discussions.
Speaker 2: And I was like, so.
Speaker 1: Now I look up and I realize that we are
Speaker 1: at grinning Tang National Park and Granny Tang is a.
Speaker 2: Rainforest. So I'm like, oh, this is perfect.
Speaker 1: Like we didn't get to do the rain we didn't
Speaker 1: get to the waterfall, but we're here at Grinny Tang
Speaker 1: and we can just hop out right here and get
Speaker 1: some pictures with the monkeys. It'll be perfect. So the
Speaker 1: driver like stops before we can get out. Fina, Well,
Speaker 1: who is the designer. She's a Grenadian Brooklyn Night, but
Speaker 1: she's also a designer, and she we were wearing her
Speaker 1: clothes for the shoot.
Speaker 2: Now I did not.
Speaker 1: So something that also happens as a neuro divergent is
Speaker 1: that people be doing slick shit and you don't even know,
Speaker 1: and so you just live in your life in a
Speaker 1: very direct fashion and then you end up throwing off
Speaker 1: slic shit.
Speaker 2: People be doing.
Speaker 1: So there was clearly some and I'm not even trying
Speaker 1: to say, let me take this back. I don't know
Speaker 1: if they were doing slick shit, but whatever they were doing, I.
Speaker 2: Was not privy to it.
Speaker 1: So when we stop at Granny Tang, she walks up
Speaker 1: to the van in a huff.
Speaker 2: And it's like, you need to stop.
Speaker 1: You're from Grenada, I'm from Grenada.
Speaker 2: We're both from Grenada. But you are not in charge
Speaker 2: of this shoot.
Speaker 1: We have already chosen what we're doing, we have already
Speaker 1: decided where we're stopping.
Speaker 2: Now, I want y'all to know.
Speaker 1: I was under the impression I was doing a photo
Speaker 1: shoot with Essence magazine that I was the star of.
Speaker 1: So it was unbeknounst to me that fino El was
Speaker 1: somehow in charge of this photo shoot because she was
Speaker 1: not a part of any of the conversations that I
Speaker 1: had with Essence. I knew I was wearing her clothes
Speaker 1: in some of the pictures, but I had no idea
Speaker 1: that she was somehow, you know, the creative director or
Speaker 1: any of that.
Speaker 2: Like, I had no I'm.
Speaker 1: Thinking, I'm talking to the girl. I'm thinking I'm talking
Speaker 1: to the lady in charge. So it was a shock
Speaker 1: to me when the door opened and this woman is
Speaker 1: here putting me in my place.
Speaker 2: So now hold on, let me block this guy. So
Speaker 2: now I'm like getting checked.
Speaker 1: And I had no idea because again I'm thinking, I'm
Speaker 1: trying to restore, preserve what.
Speaker 2: I signed up to do, and she's telling me, no,
Speaker 2: this is what we decided to do.
Speaker 1: We only have a certain amount of time, and we
Speaker 1: made this, We made these decisions, and so you need
Speaker 1: to stop because you are not in charge. So she
Speaker 1: walks off, the door closes. For those of you all
Speaker 1: who are joining, I started this live by showing a
Speaker 1: video of a man talking about the difference between neurotypicals
Speaker 1: and neurodivergence when they respond in frustration, and that neurodivergence
Speaker 1: and neurotypicals have a different way.
Speaker 2: Neurotypical folks will.
Speaker 1: Respond linear, where they are essentially rising in attitude, well,
Speaker 1: not attitude is not the way I'm looking for, but
Speaker 1: rising in frustration, and you're able to see it. Whereas
Speaker 1: if you're a neurodivergent, you already showed up with a mask,
Speaker 1: and behind that mask you're rising in frustration, but people
Speaker 1: can't see it because your mask is affixed.
Speaker 2: However, once you finally.
Speaker 1: Reach frustration mode that is unmaskable, it looks like you
Speaker 1: have a temper because you have actually been building up
Speaker 1: to that mode.
Speaker 2: Behind the mask the entire time. And that's what happened.
Speaker 1: Y'all.
Speaker 2: That door closed. We drove maybe like ten seconds, and
Speaker 2: I said, what the bullshit outside out?
Speaker 1: But that's missed.
Speaker 2: No, y'all are screaming on. I will also insert into that.
Speaker 1: The frustration is very layered, because the frustration is not
Speaker 1: simply that.
Speaker 2: Oh, you weren't told something or that you got checked.
Speaker 1: The frustration is also a fear because you weren't protected.
Speaker 1: It's also an abandonment because you were dismissed and you
Speaker 1: were also disregarded. So all of these things are happening.
Speaker 1: And if you're a neurodivergent person, you are constantly misunderstood,
Speaker 1: Like that's that's your entire existence. I didn't find I
Speaker 1: didn't find myself understood until two years ago. And I
Speaker 1: think that's even generous. Probably a year ago, you know what.
Speaker 1: Better Yet, I didn't understand myself until a year ago.
Speaker 2: I have spent my whole life being misunderstood.
Speaker 1: So I mean, I look at the smear campaigns that
Speaker 1: I've had against me, so imagine and that imagine being
Speaker 1: missernessed publicly.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's its own thing.
Speaker 1: So when I read these things about neurodivergence and I
Speaker 1: see these videos about neurodivergence, they're so reaffirming because I
Speaker 1: carried shame about that blow up for years. Years after
Speaker 1: that blow up, we got to Belmont, no one would
Speaker 1: speak to me, no one pulled me to the side,
Speaker 1: no one felt the need to communicate with me.
Speaker 2: And then I started my period.
Speaker 1: And my homegirl like scrunged up a tampon from like
Speaker 1: the nether worlds of her Mary Poppins purse, and.
Speaker 2: Oh and it didn't have an applicator, and.
Speaker 1: So I I but.
Speaker 2: But here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I am the picture of professionalism, the picture of professionalism.
Speaker 1: So even though I'm going to flip, I'm still going
Speaker 1: to complete the task. So I got my act together.
Speaker 1: I'm Chadell, my aunt who owns she's an aunt by marriage,
Speaker 1: but she's shown up more than my aunt. So Auntie
Speaker 1: Chadell more than my blood aunt. So Chadell came and
Speaker 1: give me some food and and I went and did
Speaker 1: what I needed to do to finish the shoot, and
Speaker 1: them women did not speak to me for the rest
Speaker 1: of the shoot.
Speaker 2: We got back in the van.
Speaker 1: And we're driving back and they then start talking about
Speaker 1: they want to do a shoot on the road back,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, They're like, we want to do a
Speaker 1: shoot with the sea behind you. I'm like, it's nighttime.
Speaker 1: It's not a full moon tonight. You're not gonna be
Speaker 1: able to see the sea. But these are things that
Speaker 1: I let people know. You're gonna like the ocean, what
Speaker 1: you're gonna bounce light off of Jupiter? Like, what's the plan?
Speaker 1: So I say to the driver, like, no, you can
Speaker 1: just go this way now. He all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: because somebody's absolutely gotten in his ear, he all of
Speaker 1: a sudden flips on me and starts yelling at me
Speaker 1: in the car, talking about you know, you don't run
Speaker 1: shit here and again mask gone again, and I was like,
Speaker 1: we're everybody.
Speaker 2: Is in this van.
Speaker 1: Everybody is here because of me. And this is the
Speaker 1: thing that I hate having to do. I hate having
Speaker 1: to flex. I can't stand having to fucking flex.
Speaker 2: It is so unnecessary. And it's like people push you.
Speaker 2: You know, as I'm saying that push you.
Speaker 1: I always say, people push you and then get surprised
Speaker 1: when you trip. And when we got back Dung to
Speaker 1: the hotel, Fino Well.
Speaker 2: Had had my necklace. She had my Granada necklace. Earlier
Speaker 2: in the day.
Speaker 1: I gave it to her, you know, before I did
Speaker 1: the shoe, and some random person I don't even know who,
Speaker 1: I can't even remember who gave it to me, but
Speaker 1: it wasn't her.
Speaker 2: Someone came and gave it back to me.
Speaker 1: She was apparently so upset at me that she could
Speaker 1: just not give me back my necklace. Everyone was upset
Speaker 1: at me, and I'm trying to tell y'all. I learned
Speaker 1: later that the chick was upset that I had given
Speaker 1: her a tip about her foundation. They were upset that
Speaker 1: I was telling them like oh yeah, he fronted, there's
Speaker 1: more room on the boat.
Speaker 3: Like.
Speaker 2: They were upset because they felt like I was.
Speaker 1: Trying to boss them around instead of trying to provide input.
Speaker 1: And the other mind, you I am the subject of
Speaker 1: the shoot. I am the subject of the shoot. There
Speaker 1: was no respect, no regard whatsoever for me. I was irrelevant.
Speaker 1: And when we got again, when we got back to
Speaker 1: the hotel, supposed to do a digital interview, and the
Speaker 1: same Julie person was like, so.
Speaker 2: I'm not sure if you still want to do the interview.
Speaker 1: I said, no, no, no, I definitely want to do the interview.
Speaker 2: Yes, I do, That's what I signed up for.
Speaker 1: So then I went and I did the interview, which
Speaker 1: ended up doing very well on the line online by
Speaker 1: the way, But they actually did not run my interview
Speaker 1: with my photo shoot in the magazine as a punishment.
Speaker 2: That night.
Speaker 1: So now the next day I see all of them
Speaker 1: in the airport and I learned that that night.
Speaker 2: Oh.
Speaker 1: The other thing they were upset about was that the
Speaker 1: chick who had switched sided on me. Remember I told
Speaker 1: y'all the chick who had switched sided on me, who
Speaker 1: I thought was my homie. But then she decided that
Speaker 1: she wanted to be riding with them, So I was like,
Speaker 1: all right, think cool. They were like when we had
Speaker 1: gotten to Granny Tank and they started yelling at me.
Speaker 1: They were like, well, we need to go because she
Speaker 1: got in a car accident. And I was like, is
Speaker 1: she okay? And they're like yeah, and I'm like, so
Speaker 1: that what's the problem again? This ain't gotten. This is
Speaker 1: not about her, This is not about her.
Speaker 2: What what? What? What does? What? Is she okay? Yes?
Speaker 2: So then what what what's the issue? What are why
Speaker 2: are we? Why is that a point of contention? Okay?
Speaker 1: Why if she's not okay, the conversation's gonna go in
Speaker 1: a different direction.
Speaker 2: I learn.
Speaker 1: That after the shoot they all went to dinner, invited
Speaker 1: Shorty who had gotten the car accident, and did not
Speaker 1: invite me. I learn all of this at the airport.
Speaker 1: I turned to them in line at the airport and
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know, I know that yesterday did not
Speaker 1: seem to go as planned.
Speaker 2: However, I would hate for.
Speaker 1: Things to leave on a negative note, and so I
Speaker 1: just want to extend like an olive branch to y'all
Speaker 1: because I really just want to have it be positive
Speaker 1: and so this is another neurodivergent thing.
Speaker 2: We will also all wit is take the rap.
Speaker 1: That's why it's so wild to me when people call
Speaker 1: me a victim, because I am actually at home running
Speaker 1: through my head over and over and over again, how
Speaker 1: I could have behaved differently, How I could have avoided this,
Speaker 1: What did I do wrong?
Speaker 2: What did I not say? What could I have said?
Speaker 1: This is the rumination that's happening, and this will go
Speaker 1: on for days, weeks, years, This went on for years
Speaker 1: with this essence shoot years.
Speaker 2: For years. I was in my head about it and
Speaker 2: I hugged them.
Speaker 1: And I'll also never forget that once I got through
Speaker 1: Customs and Immigration, Jesse Smilett called me and was like,
Speaker 1: I really need you to understand that these folks is
Speaker 1: lying on me.
Speaker 2: And I was like, my nigga, I.
Speaker 1: Mean, if that's what you say, and I believe you
Speaker 1: shit until.
Speaker 2: They until that's proven guilty.
Speaker 1: I mean, who I'm definitely gonna believe you before the
Speaker 1: motherfucking cops. So I thought that we had gotten square
Speaker 1: before we left, and then the editor at the time,
Speaker 1: what's her name, Corey Corey called my publicist talking about
Speaker 1: Amanda had an attitude blah blah blah blah blah, and
Speaker 1: most importantly, the photos came out fabulous.
Speaker 2: The photos came out fabulous.
Speaker 1: But the reason I I told this story is because
Speaker 1: for both neurotypicals and neurodivergence, So for me, once I
Speaker 1: understood that I was autistic, and I started doing research
Speaker 1: on my autism and how it affects the way I
Speaker 1: respond to things and how it aligns with my other
Speaker 1: elements of self, like my empathy, my empathicness, my my
Speaker 1: my codependency, my abandonment issues, et cetera. Like once I
Speaker 1: did all of that work, it the autism. So the leftist, Jake,
Speaker 1: the leftist in here you had asked earlier, like when
Speaker 1: did I understand myself? And it was when I got
Speaker 1: that autism self diagnosis that my psychiatrist co sign.
Speaker 2: Because it was like the.
Speaker 1: It was like the missing It was like the skeleton
Speaker 1: key that unlocked.
Speaker 2: That one door that made all.
Speaker 1: All of those other things come together, Like it made
Speaker 1: it all make sense, and it alleviated the shame that
Speaker 1: I would carry that I had been carrying for why
Speaker 1: I couldn't change the way that I was reacting and
Speaker 1: why couldn't change the way that things were because and
Speaker 1: it's because I didn't know what was triggering me. I
Speaker 1: just knew that I was responding. And so now I
Speaker 1: have the foresight to be able to say, these are
Speaker 1: my needs, like my right my right hand, Cathia, she
Speaker 1: will tell them this is what Amanda needs.
Speaker 2: She will you want the best, Amanda, do this.
Speaker 1: You know my security brother, Emir, he now understands what
Speaker 1: I need and when he doesn't provide, it's a mouthful.
Speaker 2: And so it's been so.
Speaker 1: Liberating to understand these things also because.
Speaker 2: They removed that mask.
Speaker 1: And allowed me to exist in my full self, understanding.
Speaker 2: My tools and how to use them. And I know
Speaker 2: that I don't.
Speaker 1: So now it's like without that mask, I am responding
Speaker 1: in a more linear fashion because I'm communicating my frustration.
Speaker 1: It's not masked. I'm communicating it. This is frustrating me.
Speaker 1: I am frustrated right now. This is making me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: I am annoyed. Okay, I want to get off the phone.
Speaker 1: I am emotional, and a key fact of who gets
Speaker 1: to stay in my life and have access to me
Speaker 1: is who responds to that with kindness and with care,
Speaker 1: and who dismisses it, and I'm so happy to report
Speaker 1: that it's not always people being dismissive.
Speaker 2: It's not.
Speaker 1: It hurts because I now am at a point where
Speaker 1: like there's no, oh, you could still be around this capacity,
Speaker 1: uh ah, because you don't care for me. You're not
Speaker 1: going this. This life is difficult, This.
Speaker 2: World is incredibly unrelenting.
Speaker 1: So I cannot allow anybody in my immediate center that
Speaker 1: will not protect all aspects of me.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna show that for them.
Speaker 1: And I've had to remove friends, I've had to change
Speaker 1: the way I interact in professional spaces, et cetera.
Speaker 2: And I don't listen, I don't flinch. Once I see it.
Speaker 1: I'm about it, I exit, I know nope, And once
Speaker 1: I know when it's the opposite, I acknowledge it, I
Speaker 1: praise it, I connect with it, and I lift it up.
Speaker 1: And it's really empowering, and it really reminds you that
Speaker 1: even though you are neurodivergent and the world feels like
Speaker 1: you are an alien, you aren't the only one here.
Speaker 1: And you know, like I, I have a homeboy, and
Speaker 1: I do a bit about this on stage because he
Speaker 1: said that one time he was going to the trap
Speaker 1: back when he was trapping, and him and his boy
Speaker 1: were trying to get into the gate in the trap
Speaker 1: and they they saw some dudes coming towards them and
Speaker 1: neither of them were strapped up, and so they were like, yo,
Speaker 1: like what are we about to do? And he said
Speaker 1: I had to use the only weapon I had.
Speaker 2: And I said, what I'm thinking, Like, he got a sword?
Speaker 2: You know? Does he have like a dagger strapped to
Speaker 2: his calf? Did he pulled? Did he did he throw
Speaker 2: dirt in their face?
Speaker 1: And he said, my emotions? I said, what that man said?
Speaker 2: He turned around to this gaggle lagoons walking towards him
Speaker 2: and said.
Speaker 1: Hey, y'all making me uncomfortable. And he said they stopped
Speaker 1: deading their tracks. They was like, well, sir, you're you're
Speaker 1: making us uncomfortable. And he's like, well, I'm so and so.
Speaker 2: And I am not here to do no sideways shit.
Speaker 1: And they was like, well, we're so and so and
Speaker 1: we are not here to do no sideway shit either.
Speaker 2: And he was like, all right, so then you.
Speaker 1: Ain't got no problems. I ain't got no problems, so
Speaker 1: we can just keep going with no problems. And he said,
Speaker 1: they was kind of like alright, shit and kept it
Speaker 1: moving and I was like.
Speaker 2: Wait, what did you do? After that? He was like,
Speaker 2: in't got my strap? Why the hell was I acting
Speaker 2: without it in the first place.
Speaker 1: However, this is one of my neurodivergent brothers, okay, because
Speaker 1: the fact that he even considered communicating his feelings as
Speaker 1: a method, And to this day that's the homie because
Speaker 1: we see things on that vibrant and so now that's
Speaker 1: how I exist. If I feel uncomfortable, I will voice it.
Speaker 1: And if the person I'm talking to dismisses that, it
Speaker 1: ain't for me, baby, it ain't for me, and I
Speaker 1: will cancel it. I will cancel the friendship, I will.
Speaker 2: Octopus. Nope, I'm back under the rock. M So thank you, Maverick.
Speaker 1: So I wanted to share that story with y'all because
Speaker 1: I think many of us have been in situations like
Speaker 1: that where we, like some people said earlier in my story, well.
Speaker 2: I would have just walked off.
Speaker 1: But to be quite honest, at that time, I didn't
Speaker 1: have the courage to do that. I didn't have the
Speaker 1: courage to just say, man, fuck y'all and walk off.
Speaker 1: I also didn't have the support to do that. I
Speaker 1: was on a photo shoot for Essence magazine. It's twenty nineteen.
Speaker 1: My book is coming out that year. I just did
Speaker 1: a tour. I just did a stand up comedy tour.
Speaker 1: I just did my my special just came out. Like
Speaker 1: this is a time when my star is rising and
Speaker 1: I feel compelled to make all the right moves. The
Speaker 1: people around me are on my head to make sure
Speaker 1: that I'm not, you know, making errors right, and but
Speaker 1: they're not. They're not helping me understand me right. They're
Speaker 1: more so just helping me understand the business. And if
Speaker 1: I had just walked off, then they would take it
Speaker 1: as like a slight to them. Case in point, when
Speaker 1: I got kicked out of that Emmy's party and I
Speaker 1: was like just trying to deal with it any way.
Speaker 2: I could, which is to go on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I mean, that wasn't the smartest thing to do, but
Speaker 1: it was just what it was. My publicists at the time.
Speaker 1: Instead of like when she saw it hitting me like
Speaker 1: are you okay, she was more bothered that I hadn't
Speaker 1: contacted her, So you know, that was the environment. So
Speaker 1: as much as like we want to say, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I would have walked off et cetera, Like, yeah, twenty
Speaker 1: twenty five Seals would have been like you fuck yourself,
Speaker 1: but twenty nineteen Seals is like, no, I can't walk off.
Speaker 1: These people are gonna talk about me. I can't walk off.
Speaker 1: These people are not gonna like me. I can't walk off,
Speaker 1: like I don't want to look bad, and that's the mask.
Speaker 1: But I mean there's also consideration there, right, like I've
Speaker 1: signed up for this.
Speaker 2: But you know, you just don't know how people are gonna.
Speaker 1: Respond, So there's a dance that you're doing, right. But
Speaker 1: I just wanted to share that for both neurotypical folks
Speaker 1: and neuro divergent folks because ultimately we're all on this
Speaker 1: planet together, so we have to be able to understand
Speaker 1: the differences in each other's brains, right, And there's such
Speaker 1: an expectation for neurodivergent folks to understand neurotypical brains, but
Speaker 1: there isn't an expectation for neurotypical folks to understand neurodivergent brains.
Speaker 2: I mean, people still say that I became that I
Speaker 2: quote unquote became autistic, so that the bad things people.
Speaker 1: Say about me, I could be excused, like that's the
Speaker 1: type of shit people beyond, so you know, that's that's
Speaker 1: where people are at.
Speaker 2: So I feel like there's there's a very.
Speaker 1: Beautiful, illuminating like enlightenment that happened with being able to
Speaker 1: understand how I reacted to things in the past and why,
Speaker 1: and also understanding like what to expect of myself in
Speaker 1: the present and future. And then it's no surprise that
Speaker 1: I also left Hollywood one because I was being ostracized
Speaker 1: for all of those things. And also those are not
Speaker 1: spaces where someone like me would thrive. And any autistic person,
Speaker 1: or any parent of an autistic child, or any caregiver
Speaker 1: or an autistic child knows that you have to set
Speaker 1: up the world for that autistic child, not set up
Speaker 1: that autistic child for the world, because that's never gonna work.
Speaker 2: That's how you get masks.
Speaker 1: So what I've been very fortunate to do is set
Speaker 1: up a world for myself where I can exist without
Speaker 1: my mask. And I wish that for everyone here. I
Speaker 1: wish it for you because we are in such a
Speaker 1: dark time. You know, it's such a frustratingly just dystopian
Speaker 1: time that sometimes you feel like you got a mask
Speaker 1: literally for yourself you know what I mean, Like, Damn,
Speaker 1: I can't. I just can't be sad, Like I mean,
Speaker 1: how am I gonna get through anything if I'm just sad?
Speaker 2: Shit?
Speaker 1: And so it's like just really trying to manage all
Speaker 1: of that, and we don't even have good content to
Speaker 1: watch because movies.
Speaker 2: And TV shows are in lutgutterer. So I spent all
Speaker 2: day to day trying to just not like let it
Speaker 2: stop me.
Speaker 1: But I'm very fortunate that I got my little babies here.
Speaker 1: That's Jedi, that's Sankara. We got Lammba right here, we
Speaker 1: got Jordie right here. I'm pretty sure Mando is in
Speaker 1: the bathroom.
Speaker 2: He has a little perch in there that he likes.
Speaker 2: And Hooy's downstairs by the fire, so shout out.
Speaker 1: The thing about K dramas is that I love K dramas,
Speaker 1: but I can't multitask with a K drama because I
Speaker 1: have to read the subtitles. So it sucks. I'm about
Speaker 1: to just watch the Office again. So I hope this
Speaker 1: helped folks, And I just want to just give everybody
Speaker 1: a little injection of.
Speaker 2: Like empowerment.
Speaker 1: And oh yeah, the care bear he'd been there for
Speaker 1: that's that's Cloverdale. I've had Cloverdale since two thousand and
Speaker 1: full No.
Speaker 2: Two thousand and three.
Speaker 1: I got them at the CBS that used to be
Speaker 1: in the base that used to be in the basement
Speaker 1: on the ground level of the building at twenty twenty
Speaker 1: one forty ninth Street, well twenty twenty one sixth Avenue,
Speaker 1: but the entrance is on forty ninth Street. And someone
Speaker 1: had asked me about ruminating. The thing that helped me
Speaker 1: with ruminating is I gotta remember what podcast it was
Speaker 1: that I listened to. And then also my homegirl Margo
Speaker 1: Joff Margo Yaffi, and you can check out the episodes
Speaker 1: Side Effects of Neurodivergence on my podcast Small Doses. I
Speaker 1: don't do new episodes of Small Doses, but we do
Speaker 1: have the entire archive available Side Effects of Neurodivergence with Margo,
Speaker 1: and we do talk about the default the default function
Speaker 1: and the executive brain function and how those two operate differently,
Speaker 1: and how ruminating is a part of one of them,
Speaker 1: and how you get out of ruminating, and like for me,
Speaker 1: my way of getting out of ruminating is drawing.
Speaker 2: So I've had to learn that tool.
Speaker 1: And you know, I've been triggered in the past where
Speaker 1: I could not get out of the cycle, and the
Speaker 1: only thing and well, I won't say the only thing,
Speaker 1: but then I immediately applied myself to drawing and I
Speaker 1: was able to get myself out of the cycle and
Speaker 1: engage my brain in a different function. So for those
Speaker 1: of you who have had these moments of frustration where
Speaker 1: you blow up my neurodivergence and you're so embarrassed, You're
Speaker 1: so embarrassed, You're so ashamed of yourself because you basically
Speaker 1: had like an adult tantrum, and you're like, how come
Speaker 1: I couldn't control myself? Like how did I let these
Speaker 1: people get the best of me? You know, these are
Speaker 1: the feelings that run through your head, like how did
Speaker 1: I not like stop myself from like playing myself? And
Speaker 1: it really is a very demoralizing feeling. But I want
Speaker 1: to I just want to remind.
Speaker 2: You that.
Speaker 1: You tried, you asked questions, you were dismissed. Like, everyone
Speaker 1: has a limit, everyone has their triggers, but more importantly,
Speaker 1: everyone wants to be seen. And when you are no
Speaker 1: divergent and you are consistently not seen, you are a
Speaker 1: bit more sensitive to spaces where you are being disregarded,
Speaker 1: particularly when it is going to directly impact you. So
Speaker 1: you know, I just I want to implore you to
Speaker 1: just have grace with yourself, lean into your tools.
Speaker 2: You know, Like last night.
Speaker 1: I got triggered and someone that I really care about
Speaker 1: really showed me that they are not able to show
Speaker 1: up for me the way that I need to be honored, respected, regarded.
Speaker 1: And I had to really talk myself down. I had
Speaker 1: to say to myself, you know, Amanda, you feel this
Speaker 1: way because of this. These feelings are attached to this response.
Speaker 1: That is why you are feeling this way. And I
Speaker 1: had to keep taking my deep breaths and I had
Speaker 1: to use my affirmations and I had to just regulate myself.
Speaker 1: And that is a power that we have within us.
Speaker 1: And I just want to engage you all to engage
Speaker 1: that and not abandon yourself. So I hope everybody has
Speaker 1: a great or as good of a time as possible
Speaker 1: for the last few hours of this day. And again,
Speaker 1: shout out to my Seal Squad people. Hear I see
Speaker 1: you in here. It's five dollars to join the Seal Squad.
Speaker 1: You support my work, you also get a support system
Speaker 1: of really creative, passionate, and informed people to interact with.
Speaker 1: So shout out to the Seales Squad community, wishing you
Speaker 1: all regulation in this season.
Speaker 2: Of capitalism. Good night, y'all. I hope you enjoyed story time.
Speaker 1: This episode of Behind the Seals was brought to you
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