WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:04.160 Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched 2 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:09.759 and possibility takes the mic. I'm lea rowing human in 3 00:00:10.039 --> 00:00:15.480 permanent data neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to 4 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:20.000 one legendary soul, and You're no fluff. Permission slate to 5 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:25.920 stop waiting. Every week we rewire brain patterns, smash hand 6 00:00:25.960 --> 00:00:30.960 me down mindsets, and die into the daring identity shifting conversations. 7 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:36.359 Most people gosh ready to turn potential into proof. Grab 8 00:00:36.439 --> 00:00:46.119 your pen. Your next chapter starts now. Hello, my beautiful friends, 9 00:00:46.119 --> 00:00:48.079 how are you? Welcome back to the Becoming You Show. 10 00:00:48.119 --> 00:00:50.560 I am your host leer ruling, and I am so 11 00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:57.039 thankful that you're here. I never I never take it 12 00:00:57.079 --> 00:00:59.840 for granted like this, this kind of work, at the 13 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:05.560 looking at yourself honestly kind of work most people avoid 14 00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:09.480 their entire life. So I appreciate you, I honor you. 15 00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:12.920 Thank you for showing up for you today. So again, 16 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:16.000 wherever you're listening, from the car, from the kitchen, from 17 00:01:16.040 --> 00:01:20.920 the walk, I'm glad it's you. So this is week 18 00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:26.680 two of our August series, And if you missed last week, 19 00:01:26.760 --> 00:01:31.959 I stop go back and grab it first. Because these episodes, 20 00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:36.400 they build on each other. Last week's word was raw 21 00:01:37.439 --> 00:01:42.200 and if you actually did the assignment, the one raw 22 00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:46.400 truth said once. Okay, I would love to hear how 23 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:49.319 that went for you, because I did it for myself 24 00:01:49.319 --> 00:01:53.799 this week and whoo, it works, that's all I'll say. 25 00:01:54.040 --> 00:01:59.879 It's uncomfortable and it works. This week's word is off. 26 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:05.640 I've wanted to do this particular episode for months, and 27 00:02:05.719 --> 00:02:09.960 I've also been putting it off for months because I 28 00:02:10.199 --> 00:02:12.800 know it's going to poke some people, right, probably you 29 00:02:12.919 --> 00:02:16.159 at some point, definitely me, And I'm going to tell 30 00:02:16.199 --> 00:02:17.919 you where it's going to poke me. So we're just 31 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:20.960 going to agree right up front that poking is allowed. 32 00:02:21.479 --> 00:02:24.280 And that's kind of the deal in the show anyway. 33 00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:30.000 So here's what's on my mind. Some of the most 34 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:34.719 popular ideas in mental health and self help right now 35 00:02:36.439 --> 00:02:41.360 are not helping people, okay. They look like self care, 36 00:02:41.639 --> 00:02:45.280 they sound like self awareness, and what they're actually doing 37 00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:49.919 is keeping people exactly where they are. I've been calling 38 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:56.159 it soft sabotage, okay. And what makes soft sabotage so 39 00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:00.479 tricky is that it never looks like sabotage. It looks 40 00:03:00.560 --> 00:03:04.240 like taking care of ourself, right, And That's why I 41 00:03:04.319 --> 00:03:07.680 keep coming back to it that phrase, because I think 42 00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:12.800 it's the single biggest problem or pattern rather that I 43 00:03:12.879 --> 00:03:18.240 see people trying really really hard, doing everything right by 44 00:03:18.280 --> 00:03:22.919 the current playbook and getting nowhere and the playbill and 45 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:26.919 the playbook itself is a lot of the reason. So 46 00:03:27.479 --> 00:03:29.639 I've got three of these for you today, plus a 47 00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:31.520 bonus stuff. I've got time because I tend to like 48 00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:35.520 be long winded with some of these, and I want 49 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:38.319 to say before I get into them that I'm not 50 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:42.560 naming these to make anyone feel bad. If you are 51 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:46.840 new to me, if this is your first episode, I 52 00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:48.800 just want you to know my heart, I just want 53 00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:52.639 you to know that I care. I am not naming 54 00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:54.680 them to be shameful, and I'm not naming them to 55 00:03:54.680 --> 00:03:59.039 be judgmental. I'm naming them because I think if you 56 00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:02.719 can see the pattern, you can stop being it. It 57 00:04:03.080 --> 00:04:07.199 being the pattern, And most people I coach have no 58 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:11.960 idea that they're in one until we look at it directly. 59 00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:18.480 So are we ready number one? Somewhere along the line, 60 00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:26.519 somewhere along the way, we stopped using labels to understand ourselves, 61 00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:33.399 and we started using labels to introduce ourselves. So before 62 00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:38.959 anybody writes me an email or posts anything about this, 63 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:46.040 I want to be really clear. Okay, labels, diagnosis, attachment styles, 64 00:04:46.079 --> 00:04:51.839 all that these things can be genuinely useful. Okay, Getting 65 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:57.720 the right name for what you've been experiencing can can 66 00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:00.240 be one of the most relieving moments of your life. 67 00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:05.120 I've watched it happen, like twenty years of confusion suddenly 68 00:05:05.120 --> 00:05:08.800 makes sense. Right, And in that sense making, you can 69 00:05:08.839 --> 00:05:10.920 find the right support, you can find the right tools, 70 00:05:10.920 --> 00:05:14.319 you can find the right person. Right. You can stop 71 00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:21.519 blaming yourself for something that now has an explanation that 72 00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:25.839 is real. I honor it, and nothing about what I'm 73 00:05:25.879 --> 00:05:31.040 about to say takes that back. So a label is information. 74 00:05:31.399 --> 00:05:38.399 It's supposed to help you understand yourself. Okay. It was never, never, ever, 75 00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:45.160 ever supposed to become who you are, your identity. But 76 00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:47.800 I want you to listen to how people talk. Now, 77 00:05:48.360 --> 00:05:51.800 maybe honestly listen to how you talk. I've caught mine, right, 78 00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:54.680 and I'll share that in a second. There's a version 79 00:05:55.800 --> 00:06:00.839 that says I struggle with focus. Right, I'm figuring out 80 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:05.480 what helps me. And there's a version that says I 81 00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:08.800 can't focus. I have ADHD and that's just how I am. 82 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:14.680 Do you hear the difference, Same person, same brain, same facts, 83 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:17.240 But the first one is something that you're working on, 84 00:06:18.240 --> 00:06:22.360 that you have control over, that you have a responsibility for, 85 00:06:23.160 --> 00:06:25.319 and the second one is decided. It's closed, right, You're 86 00:06:25.319 --> 00:06:28.279 not even looking at it anymore. And this is where 87 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:31.560 the causal work comes in, because this is the work 88 00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:34.680 that I get to do every single day. An identity 89 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:38.959 statement is just a thought on repeat, That's all it is. Okay, 90 00:06:39.560 --> 00:06:43.879 but your brain takes repeated thoughts as instructions. When you 91 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:49.319 say that's just how I am, enough times, your brain goes, okay, 92 00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:51.480 got it, thanks, thanks for letting us know who we are, 93 00:06:52.199 --> 00:06:54.639 and it stops looking. It stops looking for any sort 94 00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:57.120 of evidence that anything else could be true, that there 95 00:06:57.160 --> 00:07:00.959 could be any other way to navigate this world. Why 96 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:05.160 would it keep looking? Right? You told it, the question 97 00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:09.759 was answered, okay, so mine, since I promised for years, 98 00:07:09.800 --> 00:07:11.439 for years, for years, I'd say, I'm just not a 99 00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:14.319 detailed person. I said it all the time, I joked 100 00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:17.360 about it, I hired around it, okay, made it part 101 00:07:17.399 --> 00:07:20.800 of my brand almost And you know what that sentence 102 00:07:20.839 --> 00:07:27.399 brought me? Permission to never build a single system the 103 00:07:27.480 --> 00:07:30.680 day that I changed it too. Details are a skill 104 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:35.319 that I'm building. Nothing about me changed, friends, but what 105 00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:40.079 I did changed. I started building checklists, I started building SOPs. 106 00:07:40.160 --> 00:07:43.600 I started asking what would a detailed person do here? 107 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:47.639 And then I did it. The facts were the same. 108 00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:52.519 The difference is my ceiling moved. The capacity of me moved. 109 00:07:53.720 --> 00:07:59.439 My label, my identity of not being detailed was my ceiling. 110 00:08:00.680 --> 00:08:02.879 And that's those are the patterns that I want you 111 00:08:02.959 --> 00:08:05.879 to see. It's not a personality change. I didn't wake 112 00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:10.560 up different. I changed the sentence, and the sentence had 113 00:08:10.560 --> 00:08:12.920 been the ceiling this whole time. I didn't even know. 114 00:08:13.800 --> 00:08:17.519 At a client a while back, and this one kind 115 00:08:17.560 --> 00:08:21.000 of stuck with me. She'd been telling herself and everyone 116 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:23.600 around her that she was an anxious person. That was 117 00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:26.079 her label, I'm just anxious, and she used it as 118 00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:28.759 an explanation, kind of as a as a warning to 119 00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:31.920 people as a reason not to do certain things right. 120 00:08:31.959 --> 00:08:35.080 And we started working together. I asked her, when did 121 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:39.440 you decide that? Like, when did you go from having 122 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:46.919 anxious moments moments of anxiety, to being an anxious person 123 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:50.600 to identifying as an anxious person? And she couldn't tell me. 124 00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:59.200 It had just become her somewhere along the way. And 125 00:08:59.360 --> 00:09:03.799 once we start started teasing it apart, some anxious moments here, 126 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:08.519 some patterns there, right for sure, but not a whole identity. 127 00:09:10.120 --> 00:09:13.840 And once she reconciled that, she started doing things that 128 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:17.000 she hadn't done in years, not because the anxiety was gone, 129 00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:22.519 but because the anxious person the identity wasn't running the 130 00:09:22.600 --> 00:09:26.679 show anymore, wasn't running and dictating the calendar, wasn't running 131 00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:32.559 and dictating what she could do. That's the difference. So 132 00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:35.279 the questions, never is the label true? It might be 133 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:38.480 completely true, we don't. Here's the beautiful thing, friends, we 134 00:09:38.519 --> 00:09:42.080 don't need it to not be true. The question is 135 00:09:42.240 --> 00:09:45.879 what are you using it for? Right? Use it to 136 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:50.440 pick your strategy, Use it to pick a sentence that 137 00:09:50.559 --> 00:09:54.480 aligns with the capacity of who you can become. Do 138 00:09:54.600 --> 00:09:58.080 not use it to pick your ceiling. And there's a 139 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:00.039 relationship in all of this that I feel like I 140 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:01.559 have to name, and I'm going to say it as 141 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:06.759 gently as I can, because when my label, okay, when 142 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:10.519 my label about me becomes the reason everyone around me 143 00:10:10.679 --> 00:10:15.399 has to adjust, and I never have to something has shifted. 144 00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:21.159 The understanding has turned into leverage, into manipulation, when the 145 00:10:21.279 --> 00:10:25.639 diagnosis is the trump card in every disagreement, when it's 146 00:10:25.720 --> 00:10:29.039 the reason that the apology never quite arrives, When the 147 00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:35.240 people who who love someone are doing all of the 148 00:10:35.320 --> 00:10:38.519 flexing and the label never flexes at all. People feel 149 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:41.440 that even when they can't say it, or even when 150 00:10:41.440 --> 00:10:44.919 they don't want to, and it really starts to wear 151 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:47.559 on the relationship in a way that nobody's talking about. 152 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:52.879 And if you can find yourself in this, I want 153 00:10:52.919 --> 00:10:56.919 you to find love in it for yourself. People handed 154 00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:58.720 you a label, you picked it up and if you 155 00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:03.000 identified with it, and now you're create you're using that 156 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:09.600 very label to instruct and to demand and to expect 157 00:11:09.639 --> 00:11:11.960 other people to treat you in accordance to that label. 158 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:16.519 This level of awareness is massive. It will save you relationships. 159 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:23.360 I promise you it will. Number two. Okay, So we've 160 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:33.919 as a society as a whole, we've treated ordinary human 161 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:40.639 difficulty like it's clinical. I'm going to expand, So hold 162 00:11:40.639 --> 00:11:47.240 with me, please. We've started to treat ordinary human difficulty 163 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:54.039 like it's clinical, and it's costing us more than we realize. Okay, 164 00:11:54.720 --> 00:11:57.080 what do. I mean, we have a hard season in 165 00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:03.600 life and it becomes a syndrome. A frusting coworker becomes 166 00:12:04.279 --> 00:12:10.679 a narcissist, a sociopath. Every uncontrollable conversation is now all 167 00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:14.600 of a sudden gaslighting. Now a job that you have 168 00:12:14.759 --> 00:12:20.840 outgrown becomes this incredibly toxic workplace that you're just surviving 169 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:25.000 instead of maybe just some useful and valuable information that 170 00:12:25.039 --> 00:12:29.960 it's time to move. Okay, we've got clinical words doing 171 00:12:30.159 --> 00:12:36.440 jobs that regular words would be just fine to use. Okay, 172 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:41.519 Like this is hard, this is annoying, this is disappointing, 173 00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:46.320 this is sad, this is not a fit. Those words 174 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:58.159 still work and they don't require anyone right to be pathologized. 175 00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:02.600 What is that word pathology? Pathologized? Right? They don't require 176 00:13:02.679 --> 00:13:08.919 anyone to carry this subset of diagnosses. So I again, 177 00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:14.519 I'm incredibly careful here, and I and I and I 178 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:18.240 trust that you kind of hear this whole thing, because 179 00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:25.440 real harm exists. I coach it every day, Real trauma exists, 180 00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:31.960 Real narcissists exist, Real toxic workplaces exist. Okay, and if 181 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:34.799 you're in one, this segment is not about you, and 182 00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:41.240 please go get support that you deserve, right, But that's 183 00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:46.000 actually my whole point, right, I trust you to know 184 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:48.519 the difference, and I think the culture right now is 185 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:51.720 training people to not know the difference. When every hard 186 00:13:51.759 --> 00:13:55.600 thing gets the heaviest word available, the heaviest label, the 187 00:13:55.639 --> 00:14:00.519 heaviest syndrome that the heaviest diagnoses, right, we lose the 188 00:14:00.559 --> 00:14:06.440 ability to tell to tell us what's actually heavy. And 189 00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:09.960 that hurts the people who need those words to describe 190 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:16.200 what's actually happening them to what's actually happening to them. Okay, words, 191 00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:19.759 here's what I mean. Words that get used for everything 192 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:24.720 eventually mean nothing. So we rob the very people of 193 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:27.879 the of the diagnosis, of the label that they have 194 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:37.440 deserved because we feel though we need those words to heal. 195 00:14:39.879 --> 00:14:42.240 And here's what it costs. This is the piece that 196 00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:45.519 I want you to sit with. When everything hard gets 197 00:14:45.519 --> 00:14:49.919 a clinical name, okay, you lose the chance to become 198 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:54.039 someone who can handle things. Because if every challenge is 199 00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:59.320 a condition, no challenge gets a response, It gets a name, 200 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:05.360 but it doesn't get handled because there's a reason for it. 201 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:08.639 And if there's a reason for it, right, And I'm 202 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:12.039 not saying that in certain circumstances there aren't. So please 203 00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:16.080 hear me on that. There are certain things that deserve 204 00:15:16.120 --> 00:15:19.879 the labels that deserve for sure, but so many that 205 00:15:19.960 --> 00:15:24.080 I see do not, and then we don't get the 206 00:15:24.120 --> 00:15:28.080 benefit of being able to handle those things. And handling 207 00:15:28.159 --> 00:15:31.519 things matters more than we talk about, because that's actually 208 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:35.960 where confidence comes from. Right. You can't affirm yourself into 209 00:15:35.960 --> 00:15:48.000 self respect. You can't affirm your way into into self awareness. 210 00:15:49.240 --> 00:15:52.840 You earn it by handling things. Every time you get 211 00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:55.120 through something hard without needing it to be a syndrome, 212 00:15:55.559 --> 00:15:57.960 you collect a little evidence that you're someone who gets 213 00:15:57.960 --> 00:16:01.799 through things time. You don't need a label to to 214 00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:08.840 diagnose what you're navigating. You learn to get through it, right, 215 00:16:08.919 --> 00:16:12.039 The evidence adds up. That's that's what confidence is actually 216 00:16:12.039 --> 00:16:15.399 made of. So when we run everything through this clinical filter, 217 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:20.320 it's not it's not just mislabeling. It's taking away the practice. 218 00:16:20.840 --> 00:16:24.360 It's taking away the reps that build the actual thing 219 00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:30.279 that we're trying to have, which is a strong mental resilience, 220 00:16:30.559 --> 00:16:35.759 a strong emotional resilience, a strong leadership capacity to be 221 00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:38.279 able to meet these things and handle these things with 222 00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:44.679 confidence and courage and grace and conviction. Right, that's that's 223 00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:47.559 that's what it's costing us on the other side. When 224 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:50.200 we all label for it, we don't necessarily have to 225 00:16:50.279 --> 00:16:53.240 do anything about it. It doesn't it doesn't, we don't. 226 00:16:53.279 --> 00:16:57.799 We don't have to meet it with anything. So let 227 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:00.600 me give you an example. I'm I meant. A client 228 00:17:00.600 --> 00:17:06.200 of mine came to me convinced that she was in 229 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:09.359 a toxic workplace. She was ready to quit, ready to 230 00:17:09.359 --> 00:17:14.319 move on, ready to file the whole her whole tenure 231 00:17:15.000 --> 00:17:20.400 at this organization under just awful, tragic. These are not 232 00:17:20.519 --> 00:17:26.160 my words, hers experience awful, tragic, toxic workplace. And we 233 00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:29.720 started actually looking at it, and this is what we found. 234 00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:32.680 She had started the conversation with everything is bad, everything 235 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:36.200 is toxic. It's a tragic place to work, and I mean, 236 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:39.000 and then and then she went on trying to convince 237 00:17:39.079 --> 00:17:43.440 me that these thoughts, right were facts. Okay. What we 238 00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:47.680 found out was there was one coworker that was hard, 239 00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:56.880 that her boss was what was the word she used, uneven, uneven, 240 00:17:58.960 --> 00:18:03.599 that the role ended up self had outgrown her right, 241 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:10.960 all real, none of it toxic. None of that is toxic. 242 00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:13.799 We have a worker, a coworker that's hard. We have 243 00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:18.079 a boss, that's uneven and a role that she has outgrown. 244 00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:24.799 That's not toxic, that is not toxic. And my concern, 245 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:28.240 my concern, this is my podcast, so I can say 246 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:32.559 what I want is my concern is the world culture 247 00:18:32.680 --> 00:18:35.640 society would tell you that that is tragic, that that 248 00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:38.880 is just awful, that is toxic. You need to leave, 249 00:18:38.920 --> 00:18:42.359 You need to get out of that situation. That's too 250 00:18:42.440 --> 00:18:45.480 bad for you to stay in, as opposed to hmm, 251 00:18:45.559 --> 00:18:48.160 there might be some really good curriculum that you might 252 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:51.599 want to stay around for. And see, again, not talking 253 00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:55.119 about being berated. I'm not talking about being belittled. I'm 254 00:18:55.160 --> 00:18:57.880 not talking about being verbally or physically abused. I'm not 255 00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:03.119 talking about any of these things. And the minute we 256 00:19:03.119 --> 00:19:05.839 could unpeel what was actually happening and she could see 257 00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:08.559 it that none of that was toxic, we could actually 258 00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:12.799 strategize about it. She could go have a conversation, she 259 00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:17.079 could set an expectation, she could ask for what she needed. Right, 260 00:19:17.279 --> 00:19:19.920 she didn't have to save herself from a toxic environment. 261 00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:24.400 She had to grow into her actual situation. There is 262 00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:29.480 a big difference there, and it's way more empowering because 263 00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:32.319 if she had left this work to go to another work. 264 00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:36.119 Guess what happens the same thing. She's got zero tools, 265 00:19:36.440 --> 00:19:41.519 zero confidence, zero belief in her abilities to have the 266 00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:45.480 cognitive and the emotional resilience to handle it. Because you, guys, 267 00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:50.359 coworkers are hard. I don't think there's any organization that's 268 00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:55.599 void of them. Bosses can be uneven from time to time. Okay, 269 00:19:56.400 --> 00:19:58.319 you're gonna outgrow your role from time to time. The 270 00:19:58.359 --> 00:20:01.559 responsibilities of your role are gonna be like they're beneath you. 271 00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:09.079 That's gonna happen wherever you go. Right, And so this 272 00:20:09.160 --> 00:20:11.839 is what happened with this, with this this client of mine. 273 00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:15.799 She has stayed at her job. I think now it's 274 00:20:16.279 --> 00:20:19.079 I don't know, going on years. She's made a lot 275 00:20:19.079 --> 00:20:24.480 of money. She's made a lot of money, and she's 276 00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:28.839 leveled up her leadership. So here's the reframe. And it's simple, 277 00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:33.759 and it's very simple. Discomfort is data, that's all. Sometimes 278 00:20:33.799 --> 00:20:37.960 the data really does leave. It really does say leave. Okay, 279 00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:42.839 this is bad for you. Go. I get that way 280 00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:47.400 more often though, that the data says grow. Right, the 281 00:20:47.480 --> 00:20:50.440 data either reads go or the data reads grow. And 282 00:20:50.640 --> 00:20:54.400 I don't feel like we as as leaders in this 283 00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:57.119 self help, mental wellness space are doing a very good, 284 00:20:57.400 --> 00:21:02.960 a good enough job of illustrate rating the difference, and 285 00:21:02.960 --> 00:21:10.559 and and again. Growth is hard because it's asking something 286 00:21:10.599 --> 00:21:14.799 of you that and and and the world that hasn't 287 00:21:14.839 --> 00:21:19.359 been built. So here's a question that will change your 288 00:21:19.480 --> 00:21:25.240 whole week. Okay, before you name what's happening to you, 289 00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:30.960 ask what it's asking of you. I want you to 290 00:21:31.000 --> 00:21:35.079 try it one week. It's a completely different question, a 291 00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:40.279 completely different question, and the answers are completely different, and 292 00:21:40.519 --> 00:21:45.519 where you'll end up is completely different. Okay, number three, 293 00:21:45.559 --> 00:21:47.319 I'm gonna go through this last one really fast because 294 00:21:47.319 --> 00:21:52.519 I'm probably not gonna get to the other one. We 295 00:21:55.240 --> 00:22:01.000 have turned being seen and heard and validated into requirement 296 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:06.960 and it's making people fragile. Okay, So here's what I 297 00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:09.559 mean by that. Being understood is a beautiful thing, truly 298 00:22:09.599 --> 00:22:13.160 when it happens, Ah, enjoy every second of it. But 299 00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:15.319 somewhere along the line, it went from a gift to 300 00:22:15.359 --> 00:22:20.480 a need. And I may need the way people say 301 00:22:20.519 --> 00:22:25.000 it now. I need to feel hurd I need my 302 00:22:25.119 --> 00:22:29.119 feelings to be validated, and I want to gently ask 303 00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:34.240 do you though, do you though? Or do you want 304 00:22:34.279 --> 00:22:38.680 that right? Do you need that or do you want that? 305 00:22:39.000 --> 00:22:43.279 If you need that, there's no freedom in it. Needing 306 00:22:43.359 --> 00:22:47.599 it wanting it two different things. And the difference between them, 307 00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:52.960 by the way, friends, is basically your whole emotional life. 308 00:22:53.119 --> 00:22:55.039 And here's the math that nobody wants to do, and 309 00:22:55.079 --> 00:22:58.720 I'm just going to do it. The more your okayness 310 00:22:58.720 --> 00:23:03.119 depends on being understood, the more fragile you are in 311 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:06.440 every room where you're not understood, and you will be 312 00:23:06.559 --> 00:23:09.799 in those rooms all the time. Your boss will misread you, 313 00:23:09.799 --> 00:23:11.960 your family and friends will not get what you do 314 00:23:12.039 --> 00:23:15.400 for a living. Just ask me how I know someone 315 00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:18.359 you love will hear you wrong at the worst possible moment, 316 00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:20.799 in that exact tone that you did not mean. That 317 00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:25.160 is not trauma, that's just life with other people in it. 318 00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:29.799 And here's the thing. Half of the time, the misunderstanding 319 00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:32.880 isn't even about you. And I'm going to scratch that. 320 00:23:34.359 --> 00:23:39.240 Almost all of the time, almost all of the time, 321 00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:43.039 it's not about you. Other people have their own stuff, 322 00:23:43.119 --> 00:23:47.480 running their own scar right from last week's episode, doing 323 00:23:47.559 --> 00:23:51.119 its own thing. When validation becomes your fuel, you have 324 00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:54.839 handed your entire sense of self to other people. People 325 00:23:54.839 --> 00:23:58.319 who honestly, are not even thinking about you, Right, They're 326 00:23:58.359 --> 00:24:01.240 thinking about themselves. And when they are thinking about you, 327 00:24:01.319 --> 00:24:04.279 their opinion moves around. It changes with their mood, with 328 00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:10.279 their own insecurities. Right. You cannot build anything steady on that. Right. 329 00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:15.799 And this doesn't just show up. It's not just social media. Right. 330 00:24:16.240 --> 00:24:19.880 It's the person who can't, who can't make a decision 331 00:24:20.519 --> 00:24:23.759 without polling six of their friends first, not to gather information, 332 00:24:23.839 --> 00:24:27.880 but to gather permission. Right. It's the leader who waters 333 00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:30.640 down the true thing in the meeting because the room 334 00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:34.319 might not like it. Ask me how I know. So 335 00:24:34.400 --> 00:24:37.000 the room gets a softer version of the truth and 336 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:39.680 the real thing never gets said, and then you don't 337 00:24:39.720 --> 00:24:43.720 have the clarity in order to get the outcomes that 338 00:24:43.799 --> 00:24:48.400 you want. It looks like rewriting the text four, five, six, 339 00:24:48.480 --> 00:24:51.319 ten times, or not all together, sending it not to 340 00:24:51.359 --> 00:24:53.319 be clear. No no, no, no no we're not we're not 341 00:24:53.519 --> 00:24:56.720 We're not re clarifying texts for clarity. We're doing it 342 00:24:56.759 --> 00:25:00.200 to be liked. Right. It's the apology that you ga 343 00:25:00.279 --> 00:25:03.440 that you don't mean, just just to make the tension 344 00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:07.000 go away. It's that's all. That's all the same pattern 345 00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:11.400 that's your okayness in someone else's hands. People call it 346 00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:16.279 people pleasing. We have all sorts of conversations around it. Okay, 347 00:25:16.359 --> 00:25:20.279 but I've watched what happens when clients start unhooking from this. 348 00:25:20.880 --> 00:25:23.640 They get a little uncomfortable at first, of course, because 349 00:25:23.640 --> 00:25:26.279 they've been running on validation for so long that being 350 00:25:26.400 --> 00:25:29.880 okay without it feels very weird. It feels like something's wrong. 351 00:25:30.200 --> 00:25:33.359 And I tell them, no, no, that's not wrong. That's 352 00:25:33.440 --> 00:25:38.200 just kind of withdrawal. Okay, you're just you're just used 353 00:25:38.440 --> 00:25:42.480 to a fuel source that isn't sustainable. Right, give it 354 00:25:42.519 --> 00:25:45.200 a minute. You'll get to the other side, I promise you. 355 00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:49.839 And and and when they do, right when, when your clients, 356 00:25:49.880 --> 00:25:53.480 when my clients do okay, they describe it like I 357 00:25:53.519 --> 00:25:55.559 have felt like myself for the first time, and I 358 00:25:55.559 --> 00:25:58.440 don't even know how long. That's what the other side 359 00:25:58.559 --> 00:26:03.279 feels like. It's not it's not caring, it's you, actually 360 00:26:03.319 --> 00:26:09.839 you for the first time. So what we build inside 361 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:13.559 and instead, what we build instead is the real work 362 00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:17.759 is knowing who you are when nobody's clapping, being able 363 00:26:17.799 --> 00:26:20.160 to say the true thing, here's someone disagree with you, 364 00:26:20.200 --> 00:26:22.519 and not go home. And take your whole self apart 365 00:26:22.519 --> 00:26:26.920 about it being misunderstood and letting that be uncomfortable, without 366 00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:31.279 letting it be an emergency. It's not coldness, by the way, 367 00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:36.720 That's not I don't care what anyone thinks. It's I 368 00:26:36.920 --> 00:26:41.359 know what I think, and guess what they get to 369 00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:44.759 know what they think too. And that's the version of 370 00:26:44.759 --> 00:26:50.960 confidence that actually that actually holds up. Right. So why 371 00:26:51.039 --> 00:26:52.559 did I walk you through all of that? Why why 372 00:26:52.640 --> 00:26:55.720 did I do that? Because this week's word is authentic, 373 00:26:56.079 --> 00:26:59.440 and I want to define it differently than the internet does. 374 00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:03.960 Authentic is not sharing everything, it's not being it's not 375 00:27:04.119 --> 00:27:08.039 being unfiltered. Okay. Authentic is who you are underneath the 376 00:27:08.079 --> 00:27:11.440 story about who you are. I'm gonna say that again. 377 00:27:11.480 --> 00:27:16.759 Authentic is who you are underneath the story about who 378 00:27:16.839 --> 00:27:20.799 you are. The labels, the requirements, the need for applause, 379 00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:23.279 all of that is a story about you. Authentic is 380 00:27:23.319 --> 00:27:28.519 what's underneath it, and most of us have it checked 381 00:27:28.519 --> 00:27:32.880 it for a while. So here's what I want you 382 00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:37.119 to take home, right, Three small steps, one catch one 383 00:27:37.160 --> 00:27:39.759 sentence you say about yourself that starts with I'm just 384 00:27:40.279 --> 00:27:42.880 or I can't because or this is just who I 385 00:27:42.920 --> 00:27:47.240 am right. I'm just not a morning person. I just 386 00:27:47.279 --> 00:27:49.160 can't do that. I'm just too anxious. I'm just bad 387 00:27:49.200 --> 00:27:53.880 with money. Catch yours, write it down. Okay, it's a 388 00:27:53.920 --> 00:27:57.240 little different when you write it down. That little sentence 389 00:27:57.279 --> 00:28:01.480 has been driving. Okay with us in the membership. Get 390 00:28:01.480 --> 00:28:04.039 in the membership. Bring that sentence here. We are going 391 00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:06.079 to reframe it. We're going to flip it. It's no 392 00:28:06.160 --> 00:28:08.440 longer going to be the ceiling of your life. Two 393 00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:11.839 say the same fact as something that you're working on 394 00:28:12.039 --> 00:28:15.839 instead of something that you are. It's not a lie, right, 395 00:28:16.799 --> 00:28:19.319 I'm not asking you to chant I love mornings. Mornings 396 00:28:19.319 --> 00:28:24.839 are great, right, mornings are hard for you. Fine, that's real. Okay, 397 00:28:25.839 --> 00:28:28.720 I'm experimenting them with him. I'm trying to figure out 398 00:28:28.720 --> 00:28:30.559 whether or not I can be the morning person that 399 00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:33.240 I might want to be. And then the last one. 400 00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:37.680 One time this week, take one small action. The old 401 00:28:37.799 --> 00:28:43.640