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<v Speaker 1>When I started this YouTube channel, I wanted to always

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<v Speaker 1>be upbeat, to focus on what amazing things retirement offers

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<v Speaker 1>and ways to make your retirement remarkable. Most of the

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<v Speaker 1>time that means talking about the exciting parts of retirement, travel, freedom, family,

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<v Speaker 1>new adventures, fun, purpose. But retirement isn't always what we expected. Sometimes,

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<v Speaker 1>even when life looks wonderful from the outside, it can

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<v Speaker 1>really feel incredibly heavy on the inside. And today I

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<v Speaker 1>want to do a different kind of video, and I

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<v Speaker 1>want to talk about that. I'm more in Dobranski. This

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<v Speaker 1>his life starts at retirement. I produce a retirement lifestyle

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<v Speaker 1>video every Saturday at noonish. So I almost didn't make

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<v Speaker 1>this video today. I started it and stopped it. This

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<v Speaker 1>is probably the fourth or fifth time, not because I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't know what to say, but because I wasn't sure

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<v Speaker 1>I should or even could say it. Because for the

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<v Speaker 1>most part, for the most part, I have an amazing,

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<v Speaker 1>amazing life and it almost feels wrong. I almost feel

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<v Speaker 1>guilty admitting that at times I'm struggling if I think

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<v Speaker 1>about it. I have a great husband, I have wonderful children.

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<v Speaker 1>I have six of the most incredible grandchildren, two of

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<v Speaker 1>which just left this morning after five days at the

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<v Speaker 1>trailer with us. I get to live my dream and

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<v Speaker 1>travel the world speaking on a cruise ship. We spend

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of our winters in Arizona. By almost every

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<v Speaker 1>single measure, I have a great life, and I do.

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<v Speaker 1>I absolutely have a great life. I'm deeply, deeply, deeply

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<v Speaker 1>grateful and thankful for the life that I have. But

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<v Speaker 1>that's why this is so hard for me to talk about.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm struggling. I get bouts of anxiety, I get bouts

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<v Speaker 1>of depression, and I've never really struggled with any of

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<v Speaker 1>that before. Sure, I've had the odd, you know, week

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<v Speaker 1>or two when I was struggling at work, or you know,

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<v Speaker 1>things were tougher, I didn't get enough sleep when the

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<v Speaker 1>kids were little, stuff like that. But I've never really

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<v Speaker 1>struggled with anxiety and depression. But this past year it's

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<v Speaker 1>been one of the hardest of my life. And I

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<v Speaker 1>think I know why. But let me just go there. So,

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<v Speaker 1>first of all, my dad passed away. So a year

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<v Speaker 1>ago yesterday, my dad passed away. He had he had

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<v Speaker 1>severe dementia and he had lived in a care home

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<v Speaker 1>for three years, and we knew it was coming and

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<v Speaker 1>I thought I was ready. I was the one who

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<v Speaker 1>always said, Dad, go we'll be fine. But wow, I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't think it would hit me the way it hit me.

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<v Speaker 1>So that was I don't know why. That one just

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<v Speaker 1>really really really bothers me. Okay, then my mom mentally,

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<v Speaker 1>she's really quite sharp still, and I have a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of fun with my mom. I talked to her every single

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<v Speaker 1>solitary day on the phone. But physically I can see

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of changes. Simple things are Things that used

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<v Speaker 1>to be simple for Mom aren't so simple anymore. Her

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<v Speaker 1>little hands she's got our throat is so bad. Her

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<v Speaker 1>little hands are so crooked. These fingers go this way,

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<v Speaker 1>these fingers go this way. She can't open things, she

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<v Speaker 1>can't do things with her little hands. She can't hear

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<v Speaker 1>like she used to, she can't see like she used to.

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<v Speaker 1>She won't wear her hearing it, she won't wear her eyeglasses,

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<v Speaker 1>she can't walk like she used to. And every visit

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<v Speaker 1>just reminds me that time keeps moving forward fast. And

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<v Speaker 1>then recently another challenge came. Our youngest grandson, who's three,

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<v Speaker 1>is now facing some unknown significant I think health and

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<v Speaker 1>developmental challenges, and as a grandma, I would take those

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<v Speaker 1>struggles away in a heartbeat if I could, but logically

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<v Speaker 1>I know I can't. So all we can do is

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<v Speaker 1>just love the daylights out of him, support him, celebrate him,

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<v Speaker 1>help him, help his parents. But we can't fix it.

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<v Speaker 1>As much as I want to fix it, I can't.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you're a parent, are a grandma, you know

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<v Speaker 1>exactly how helpless that can feel. But the thing that

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<v Speaker 1>surprised me the most wasn't that all of this was

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<v Speaker 1>really happening. Like most of you, you know, life is

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<v Speaker 1>thrown plenty of challenges our way, but somehow, in the past,

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<v Speaker 1>I've always managed to just pick myself up, figure it out,

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<v Speaker 1>and keep moving forward. But for this time, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>This year, for some reason, it just it feels different.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't honestly think it was just dad. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>think it's mom or even my grandson, although that's a

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<v Speaker 1>tough one. I don't even think it's just one thing.

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<v Speaker 1>And I spent a lot of time thinking about this,

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<v Speaker 1>probably a good three or four months, really trying to

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<v Speaker 1>analyze myself. Good luck, but I think I've changed things

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<v Speaker 1>that I think I could have handled ten years ago.

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<v Speaker 1>Now just feel harder. They feel heavier. I worry way more.

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<v Speaker 1>And I was always a worrier to begin with. I

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<v Speaker 1>worry all the time now and worry stay with me longer.

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<v Speaker 1>And I can't seem to shake all of these things

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<v Speaker 1>the way I used to. And so I've thought about it.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe it's just my age. Maybe it's retirement, because now

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<v Speaker 1>with retirement gives me time, so I have more time

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<v Speaker 1>don't worry and to think about these things. Maybe it's grief,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm sure there's a part of that. Maybe it's

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<v Speaker 1>just the season of life. I honestly, I really don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>So this isn't going to be a video that says

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<v Speaker 1>here's five steps to go get over anxiety and depression.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not. I honestly don't know. But this one does

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<v Speaker 1>feel different. And I've always been the one who believed

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<v Speaker 1>to myself, oh, you'll just get through it. Just keep going,

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<v Speaker 1>put one foot in front of the other, just keep

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<v Speaker 1>going moreing, and so this is really really hard to

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<v Speaker 1>admit that I'm I'm I'm kind of stuck here. But

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<v Speaker 1>then I don't know, maybe two weeks ago, which is

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<v Speaker 1>really what made me decide to do this video. It

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<v Speaker 1>was always a thought, but I went, yeah, I have

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<v Speaker 1>to is more than the anxiety I discovered. I'm really

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<v Speaker 1>disappointed in myself. Now. Let me explain that one. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't talk about this often, but when I was a teenager,

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<v Speaker 1>someone very close to me struggled with severe depression, and

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<v Speaker 1>I watched what it did to them. I watched what

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<v Speaker 1>it did to our family. I watched what it did. Actually,

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<v Speaker 1>I lived what it did to me, and somewhere along

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<v Speaker 1>the way, I made a promise to myself. I told

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<v Speaker 1>myself that will never be me. I thought, if I

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<v Speaker 1>was strong enough, if I just kept going again, if

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<v Speaker 1>I put one foot in front of the other, somehow

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<v Speaker 1>I would be immune to those feelings. But I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>realize that that's a heavy promise for a teenager to make.

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<v Speaker 1>And maybe that's why this year is so confusing for me.

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<v Speaker 1>Because every time I felt anxious, every time I could

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<v Speaker 1>and shake the worry. Every time I find myself laying

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<v Speaker 1>awake night after night after freaking night, thinking about dad, mom,

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<v Speaker 1>or any of the other millions of things I now

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<v Speaker 1>worry about, a little voice inside me kept saying, come on, Mariene,

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<v Speaker 1>You're stronger than this. You've handled things more than this.

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<v Speaker 1>You should be doing better, but I don't know why.

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<v Speaker 1>I just couldn't do it. And so I realized I

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<v Speaker 1>was being hard on me. It wasn't life, although you know, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like where the things that have happened in

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<v Speaker 1>my life, But it wasn't life that was being hard

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<v Speaker 1>on me. I was being hard on me. And so

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<v Speaker 1>I thought, as well, if one of my friends was

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<v Speaker 1>going through a different difficult time and they came to

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<v Speaker 1>me and said, you know, a year ago their dad died,

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<v Speaker 1>they're struggling with that. Their mom is getting older and

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<v Speaker 1>she's struggling. Their grandson is struggling with any of these things.

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<v Speaker 1>I would never never say to them, get over it.

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<v Speaker 1>You have to be tougher, put one foot in front

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<v Speaker 1>of the other. No way, I tell them, be gentle

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<v Speaker 1>with you. I remind them that they're carrying a lot.

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<v Speaker 1>I would say it's because you love so much. I

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<v Speaker 1>would say, maybe you need to get help other places,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe you need to speak to someone. So why wasn't

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<v Speaker 1>I saying those things to me? So maybe maybe that's

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<v Speaker 1>why this year has been hard on me, because I'm

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<v Speaker 1>not saying those things to myself. I'm being mean and

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<v Speaker 1>mad at myself and disappointed with myself. Maybe I've spent

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<v Speaker 1>the last almost fifty years trying to keep it promise

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<v Speaker 1>to never feel those feelings, and it's really a promise

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<v Speaker 1>no human could ever live with. So so I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know exactly. I don't know. I don't have it all

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<v Speaker 1>figured out. I'm still learning. I'm still trying to figure

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<v Speaker 1>it all out. But I don't know. I just know

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<v Speaker 1>that a few things in my life. When I am

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<v Speaker 1>feeling bad and feeling anxious, a few things help me

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<v Speaker 1>to deal with it. It doesn't solve any of the problems,

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<v Speaker 1>at least not yet. Maybe someday I'll figure that magic

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<v Speaker 1>bullet out, but it helps me to just keep going.

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<v Speaker 1>So a couple of things are I need to get outside.

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<v Speaker 1>I have a tendency. I love working on my speeches.

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<v Speaker 1>I love making videos. I could be I could be

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<v Speaker 1>attached to this computer. So I need to get outside.

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<v Speaker 1>And when I get outside, I am great. I go

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<v Speaker 1>for a walk, I go talk to people. I go

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<v Speaker 1>to the mall even when it's rainy or cold, whatever

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<v Speaker 1>it is, and I love love. Getting outside again. Doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>fix everything, doesn't make it magically disappear, but it helps.

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<v Speaker 1>Second of all, I really like people, as much as

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<v Speaker 1>I say. As I'm getting older, I say, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like people anymore. I really I really do

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<v Speaker 1>like people, especially my friends. So I in the last

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<v Speaker 1>three or four months, I've actually turned down a bunch

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<v Speaker 1>of people saying, Hey, let's go for a glass of wine,

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<v Speaker 1>let's go golf, let's do this, and I go, No,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm busy. I've got work. I know I'm busy. No,

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<v Speaker 1>I have promised myself I'm going to get out and

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<v Speaker 1>go visit with people and go talk to people because

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<v Speaker 1>that really seems to help me. And then this last one.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe again, and I'm not sure yet, maybe recording a

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<v Speaker 1>video like this or talking about it will help. Now

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure about this. In fact, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I feel very vulnerable. I don't like

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<v Speaker 1>talking about it. It's scary. There's a part of me

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<v Speaker 1>that still wonders what will people think. Are they gonna

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<v Speaker 1>look at me differently? So I'm not sure, but I

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<v Speaker 1>think it's a good step in the right direction talking

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<v Speaker 1>about it. So again, none of these things are going

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<v Speaker 1>to solve everything, but they're going to just make it

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<v Speaker 1>easier to have more good times than more bad times.

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<v Speaker 1>So once again, I really don't know why this time around,

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<v Speaker 1>it just feels so different. It feels like I'm carrying

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<v Speaker 1>the weight to the world on my shoulders. And maybe

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<v Speaker 1>one day I'll understand it. Maybe one day I won't,

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<v Speaker 1>But I am beginning to think that understanding it isn't

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<v Speaker 1>necessarily the most important thing. Maybe the most important thing is,

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<v Speaker 1>just like I said a bit earlier, learning to be

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<v Speaker 1>a bit kinder to myself while I go through it.

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<v Speaker 1>So I'm not sure. So maybe it's time I started

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<v Speaker 1>saying those same things to myself. Be patient, be gentle.

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<v Speaker 1>If you need to go see someone and talk to them,

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<v Speaker 1>go see someone and talk to them. That's perfect. And

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<v Speaker 1>maybe if any part of my story sounded like your

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<v Speaker 1>story today, maybe it's time you two started saying those

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<v Speaker 1>kinder things to yourself too. Be patient, be kind to

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<v Speaker 1>yourself if you need to go talk to someone about it.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if this video gave you any answers.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure it gave me any answers, But I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's okay, because I think the best thing we

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<v Speaker 1>can do is stop pretending we have everything figured out,

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<v Speaker 1>which I like to pretend I do, and maybe we

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<v Speaker 1>can simply admit that some times of life are harder

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<v Speaker 1>than of others, some days are heavier than others, and

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<v Speaker 1>that doesn't mean we failed. It means we're human. So

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<v Speaker 1>thank you, not just for watching, but for listening to me.

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<v Speaker 1>Be extremely brutally honest today, and if you're carrying something

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<v Speaker 1>heavy too, I hope you remember one thing. Be kind

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<v Speaker 1>to yourself as you would be kind to someone you love.

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<v Speaker 1>So take good care of yourselves and hope to see

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<v Speaker 1>you in the next one.