Speaker 1: When I started this YouTube channel, I wanted to always
Speaker 1: be upbeat, to focus on what amazing things retirement offers
Speaker 1: and ways to make your retirement remarkable. Most of the
Speaker 1: time that means talking about the exciting parts of retirement, travel, freedom, family,
Speaker 1: new adventures, fun, purpose. But retirement isn't always what we expected. Sometimes,
Speaker 1: even when life looks wonderful from the outside, it can
Speaker 1: really feel incredibly heavy on the inside. And today I
Speaker 1: want to do a different kind of video, and I
Speaker 1: want to talk about that. I'm more in Dobranski. This
Speaker 1: his life starts at retirement. I produce a retirement lifestyle
Speaker 1: video every Saturday at noonish. So I almost didn't make
Speaker 1: this video today. I started it and stopped it. This
Speaker 1: is probably the fourth or fifth time, not because I
Speaker 1: didn't know what to say, but because I wasn't sure
Speaker 1: I should or even could say it. Because for the
Speaker 1: most part, for the most part, I have an amazing,
Speaker 1: amazing life and it almost feels wrong. I almost feel
Speaker 1: guilty admitting that at times I'm struggling if I think
Speaker 1: about it. I have a great husband, I have wonderful children.
Speaker 1: I have six of the most incredible grandchildren, two of
Speaker 1: which just left this morning after five days at the
Speaker 1: trailer with us. I get to live my dream and
Speaker 1: travel the world speaking on a cruise ship. We spend
Speaker 1: a lot of our winters in Arizona. By almost every
Speaker 1: single measure, I have a great life, and I do.
Speaker 1: I absolutely have a great life. I'm deeply, deeply, deeply
Speaker 1: grateful and thankful for the life that I have. But
Speaker 1: that's why this is so hard for me to talk about.
Speaker 1: I'm struggling. I get bouts of anxiety, I get bouts
Speaker 1: of depression, and I've never really struggled with any of
Speaker 1: that before. Sure, I've had the odd, you know, week
Speaker 1: or two when I was struggling at work, or you know,
Speaker 1: things were tougher, I didn't get enough sleep when the
Speaker 1: kids were little, stuff like that. But I've never really
Speaker 1: struggled with anxiety and depression. But this past year it's
Speaker 1: been one of the hardest of my life. And I
Speaker 1: think I know why. But let me just go there. So,
Speaker 1: first of all, my dad passed away. So a year
Speaker 1: ago yesterday, my dad passed away. He had he had
Speaker 1: severe dementia and he had lived in a care home
Speaker 1: for three years, and we knew it was coming and
Speaker 1: I thought I was ready. I was the one who
Speaker 1: always said, Dad, go we'll be fine. But wow, I
Speaker 1: didn't think it would hit me the way it hit me.
Speaker 1: So that was I don't know why. That one just
Speaker 1: really really really bothers me. Okay, then my mom mentally,
Speaker 1: she's really quite sharp still, and I have a lot
Speaker 1: of fun with my mom. I talked to her every single
Speaker 1: solitary day on the phone. But physically I can see
Speaker 1: a lot of changes. Simple things are Things that used
Speaker 1: to be simple for Mom aren't so simple anymore. Her
Speaker 1: little hands she's got our throat is so bad. Her
Speaker 1: little hands are so crooked. These fingers go this way,
Speaker 1: these fingers go this way. She can't open things, she
Speaker 1: can't do things with her little hands. She can't hear
Speaker 1: like she used to, she can't see like she used to.
Speaker 1: She won't wear her hearing it, she won't wear her eyeglasses,
Speaker 1: she can't walk like she used to. And every visit
Speaker 1: just reminds me that time keeps moving forward fast. And
Speaker 1: then recently another challenge came. Our youngest grandson, who's three,
Speaker 1: is now facing some unknown significant I think health and
Speaker 1: developmental challenges, and as a grandma, I would take those
Speaker 1: struggles away in a heartbeat if I could, but logically
Speaker 1: I know I can't. So all we can do is
Speaker 1: just love the daylights out of him, support him, celebrate him,
Speaker 1: help him, help his parents. But we can't fix it.
Speaker 1: As much as I want to fix it, I can't.
Speaker 1: And if you're a parent, are a grandma, you know
Speaker 1: exactly how helpless that can feel. But the thing that
Speaker 1: surprised me the most wasn't that all of this was
Speaker 1: really happening. Like most of you, you know, life is
Speaker 1: thrown plenty of challenges our way, but somehow, in the past,
Speaker 1: I've always managed to just pick myself up, figure it out,
Speaker 1: and keep moving forward. But for this time, I don't know.
Speaker 1: This year, for some reason, it just it feels different.
Speaker 1: I don't honestly think it was just dad. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's mom or even my grandson, although that's a
Speaker 1: tough one. I don't even think it's just one thing.
Speaker 1: And I spent a lot of time thinking about this,
Speaker 1: probably a good three or four months, really trying to
Speaker 1: analyze myself. Good luck, but I think I've changed things
Speaker 1: that I think I could have handled ten years ago.
Speaker 1: Now just feel harder. They feel heavier. I worry way more.
Speaker 1: And I was always a worrier to begin with. I
Speaker 1: worry all the time now and worry stay with me longer.
Speaker 1: And I can't seem to shake all of these things
Speaker 1: the way I used to. And so I've thought about it.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just my age. Maybe it's retirement, because now
Speaker 1: with retirement gives me time, so I have more time
Speaker 1: don't worry and to think about these things. Maybe it's grief,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure there's a part of that. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: just the season of life. I honestly, I really don't know.
Speaker 1: So this isn't going to be a video that says
Speaker 1: here's five steps to go get over anxiety and depression.
Speaker 1: It's not. I honestly don't know. But this one does
Speaker 1: feel different. And I've always been the one who believed
Speaker 1: to myself, oh, you'll just get through it. Just keep going,
Speaker 1: put one foot in front of the other, just keep
Speaker 1: going moreing, and so this is really really hard to
Speaker 1: admit that I'm I'm I'm kind of stuck here. But
Speaker 1: then I don't know, maybe two weeks ago, which is
Speaker 1: really what made me decide to do this video. It
Speaker 1: was always a thought, but I went, yeah, I have
Speaker 1: to is more than the anxiety I discovered. I'm really
Speaker 1: disappointed in myself. Now. Let me explain that one. I
Speaker 1: don't talk about this often, but when I was a teenager,
Speaker 1: someone very close to me struggled with severe depression, and
Speaker 1: I watched what it did to them. I watched what
Speaker 1: it did to our family. I watched what it did. Actually,
Speaker 1: I lived what it did to me, and somewhere along
Speaker 1: the way, I made a promise to myself. I told
Speaker 1: myself that will never be me. I thought, if I
Speaker 1: was strong enough, if I just kept going again, if
Speaker 1: I put one foot in front of the other, somehow
Speaker 1: I would be immune to those feelings. But I didn't
Speaker 1: realize that that's a heavy promise for a teenager to make.
Speaker 1: And maybe that's why this year is so confusing for me.
Speaker 1: Because every time I felt anxious, every time I could
Speaker 1: and shake the worry. Every time I find myself laying
Speaker 1: awake night after night after freaking night, thinking about dad, mom,
Speaker 1: or any of the other millions of things I now
Speaker 1: worry about, a little voice inside me kept saying, come on, Mariene,
Speaker 1: You're stronger than this. You've handled things more than this.
Speaker 1: You should be doing better, but I don't know why.
Speaker 1: I just couldn't do it. And so I realized I
Speaker 1: was being hard on me. It wasn't life, although you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't like where the things that have happened in
Speaker 1: my life, But it wasn't life that was being hard
Speaker 1: on me. I was being hard on me. And so
Speaker 1: I thought, as well, if one of my friends was
Speaker 1: going through a different difficult time and they came to
Speaker 1: me and said, you know, a year ago their dad died,
Speaker 1: they're struggling with that. Their mom is getting older and
Speaker 1: she's struggling. Their grandson is struggling with any of these things.
Speaker 1: I would never never say to them, get over it.
Speaker 1: You have to be tougher, put one foot in front
Speaker 1: of the other. No way, I tell them, be gentle
Speaker 1: with you. I remind them that they're carrying a lot.
Speaker 1: I would say it's because you love so much. I
Speaker 1: would say, maybe you need to get help other places,
Speaker 1: maybe you need to speak to someone. So why wasn't
Speaker 1: I saying those things to me? So maybe maybe that's
Speaker 1: why this year has been hard on me, because I'm
Speaker 1: not saying those things to myself. I'm being mean and
Speaker 1: mad at myself and disappointed with myself. Maybe I've spent
Speaker 1: the last almost fifty years trying to keep it promise
Speaker 1: to never feel those feelings, and it's really a promise
Speaker 1: no human could ever live with. So so I don't
Speaker 1: know exactly. I don't know. I don't have it all
Speaker 1: figured out. I'm still learning. I'm still trying to figure
Speaker 1: it all out. But I don't know. I just know
Speaker 1: that a few things in my life. When I am
Speaker 1: feeling bad and feeling anxious, a few things help me
Speaker 1: to deal with it. It doesn't solve any of the problems,
Speaker 1: at least not yet. Maybe someday I'll figure that magic
Speaker 1: bullet out, but it helps me to just keep going.
Speaker 1: So a couple of things are I need to get outside.
Speaker 1: I have a tendency. I love working on my speeches.
Speaker 1: I love making videos. I could be I could be
Speaker 1: attached to this computer. So I need to get outside.
Speaker 1: And when I get outside, I am great. I go
Speaker 1: for a walk, I go talk to people. I go
Speaker 1: to the mall even when it's rainy or cold, whatever
Speaker 1: it is, and I love love. Getting outside again. Doesn't
Speaker 1: fix everything, doesn't make it magically disappear, but it helps.
Speaker 1: Second of all, I really like people, as much as
Speaker 1: I say. As I'm getting older, I say, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I don't like people anymore. I really I really do
Speaker 1: like people, especially my friends. So I in the last
Speaker 1: three or four months, I've actually turned down a bunch
Speaker 1: of people saying, Hey, let's go for a glass of wine,
Speaker 1: let's go golf, let's do this, and I go, No,
Speaker 1: I'm busy. I've got work. I know I'm busy. No,
Speaker 1: I have promised myself I'm going to get out and
Speaker 1: go visit with people and go talk to people because
Speaker 1: that really seems to help me. And then this last one.
Speaker 1: Maybe again, and I'm not sure yet, maybe recording a
Speaker 1: video like this or talking about it will help. Now
Speaker 1: I'm not sure about this. In fact, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I feel very vulnerable. I don't like
Speaker 1: talking about it. It's scary. There's a part of me
Speaker 1: that still wonders what will people think. Are they gonna
Speaker 1: look at me differently? So I'm not sure, but I
Speaker 1: think it's a good step in the right direction talking
Speaker 1: about it. So again, none of these things are going
Speaker 1: to solve everything, but they're going to just make it
Speaker 1: easier to have more good times than more bad times.
Speaker 1: So once again, I really don't know why this time around,
Speaker 1: it just feels so different. It feels like I'm carrying
Speaker 1: the weight to the world on my shoulders. And maybe
Speaker 1: one day I'll understand it. Maybe one day I won't,
Speaker 1: But I am beginning to think that understanding it isn't
Speaker 1: necessarily the most important thing. Maybe the most important thing is,
Speaker 1: just like I said a bit earlier, learning to be
Speaker 1: a bit kinder to myself while I go through it.
Speaker 1: So I'm not sure. So maybe it's time I started
Speaker 1: saying those same things to myself. Be patient, be gentle.
Speaker 1: If you need to go see someone and talk to them,
Speaker 1: go see someone and talk to them. That's perfect. And
Speaker 1: maybe if any part of my story sounded like your
Speaker 1: story today, maybe it's time you two started saying those
Speaker 1: kinder things to yourself too. Be patient, be kind to
Speaker 1: yourself if you need to go talk to someone about it.
Speaker 1: I don't know if this video gave you any answers.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure it gave me any answers, But I
Speaker 1: think that's okay, because I think the best thing we
Speaker 1: can do is stop pretending we have everything figured out,
Speaker 1: which I like to pretend I do, and maybe we
Speaker 1: can simply admit that some times of life are harder
Speaker 1: than of others, some days are heavier than others, and
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean we failed. It means we're human. So
Speaker 1: thank you, not just for watching, but for listening to me.
Speaker 1: Be extremely brutally honest today, and if you're carrying something
Speaker 1: heavy too, I hope you remember one thing. Be kind
Speaker 1: to yourself as you would be kind to someone you love.
Speaker 1: So take good care of yourselves and hope to see
Speaker 1: you in the next one.