1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,160 Speaker 1: When I started this YouTube channel, I wanted to always 2 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:07,360 be upbeat, to focus on what amazing things retirement offers 3 00:00:07,679 --> 00:00:12,199 and ways to make your retirement remarkable. Most of the 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:17,440 time that means talking about the exciting parts of retirement, travel, freedom, family, 5 00:00:17,519 --> 00:00:23,960 new adventures, fun, purpose. But retirement isn't always what we expected. Sometimes, 6 00:00:24,039 --> 00:00:28,079 even when life looks wonderful from the outside, it can 7 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:32,280 really feel incredibly heavy on the inside. And today I 8 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:33,840 want to do a different kind of video, and I 9 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,399 want to talk about that. I'm more in Dobranski. This 10 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,880 his life starts at retirement. I produce a retirement lifestyle 11 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:48,600 video every Saturday at noonish. So I almost didn't make 12 00:00:48,759 --> 00:00:52,039 this video today. I started it and stopped it. This 13 00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:55,240 is probably the fourth or fifth time, not because I 14 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:59,920 didn't know what to say, but because I wasn't sure 15 00:01:01,159 --> 00:01:06,840 I should or even could say it. Because for the 16 00:01:06,879 --> 00:01:09,760 most part, for the most part, I have an amazing, 17 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:15,239 amazing life and it almost feels wrong. I almost feel 18 00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:21,879 guilty admitting that at times I'm struggling if I think 19 00:01:21,879 --> 00:01:24,920 about it. I have a great husband, I have wonderful children. 20 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,040 I have six of the most incredible grandchildren, two of 21 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,000 which just left this morning after five days at the 22 00:01:31,079 --> 00:01:34,000 trailer with us. I get to live my dream and 23 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,840 travel the world speaking on a cruise ship. We spend 24 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:42,319 a lot of our winters in Arizona. By almost every 25 00:01:42,359 --> 00:01:46,439 single measure, I have a great life, and I do. 26 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,480 I absolutely have a great life. I'm deeply, deeply, deeply 27 00:01:51,519 --> 00:01:54,079 grateful and thankful for the life that I have. But 28 00:01:54,159 --> 00:01:57,680 that's why this is so hard for me to talk about. 29 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:01,480 I'm struggling. I get bouts of anxiety, I get bouts 30 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,840 of depression, and I've never really struggled with any of 31 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,840 that before. Sure, I've had the odd, you know, week 32 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,400 or two when I was struggling at work, or you know, 33 00:02:10,439 --> 00:02:12,360 things were tougher, I didn't get enough sleep when the 34 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,719 kids were little, stuff like that. But I've never really 35 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:22,680 struggled with anxiety and depression. But this past year it's 36 00:02:22,719 --> 00:02:24,719 been one of the hardest of my life. And I 37 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,240 think I know why. But let me just go there. So, 38 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,479 first of all, my dad passed away. So a year 39 00:02:30,479 --> 00:02:33,759 ago yesterday, my dad passed away. He had he had 40 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,840 severe dementia and he had lived in a care home 41 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:41,400 for three years, and we knew it was coming and 42 00:02:41,439 --> 00:02:43,080 I thought I was ready. I was the one who 43 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,840 always said, Dad, go we'll be fine. But wow, I 44 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,000 didn't think it would hit me the way it hit me. 45 00:02:51,159 --> 00:02:52,919 So that was I don't know why. That one just 46 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,280 really really really bothers me. Okay, then my mom mentally, 47 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,280 she's really quite sharp still, and I have a lot 48 00:03:01,319 --> 00:03:03,080 of fun with my mom. I talked to her every single 49 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,680 solitary day on the phone. But physically I can see 50 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,680 a lot of changes. Simple things are Things that used 51 00:03:08,719 --> 00:03:11,400 to be simple for Mom aren't so simple anymore. Her 52 00:03:11,439 --> 00:03:13,400 little hands she's got our throat is so bad. Her 53 00:03:13,479 --> 00:03:15,840 little hands are so crooked. These fingers go this way, 54 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,360 these fingers go this way. She can't open things, she 55 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,000 can't do things with her little hands. She can't hear 56 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,919 like she used to, she can't see like she used to. 57 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,199 She won't wear her hearing it, she won't wear her eyeglasses, 58 00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:29,599 she can't walk like she used to. And every visit 59 00:03:29,719 --> 00:03:35,240 just reminds me that time keeps moving forward fast. And 60 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:39,199 then recently another challenge came. Our youngest grandson, who's three, 61 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:43,639 is now facing some unknown significant I think health and 62 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:48,840 developmental challenges, and as a grandma, I would take those 63 00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:52,439 struggles away in a heartbeat if I could, but logically 64 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:56,240 I know I can't. So all we can do is 65 00:03:56,560 --> 00:04:00,319 just love the daylights out of him, support him, celebrate him, 66 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,719 help him, help his parents. But we can't fix it. 67 00:04:04,759 --> 00:04:08,439 As much as I want to fix it, I can't. 68 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,080 And if you're a parent, are a grandma, you know 69 00:04:11,159 --> 00:04:14,759 exactly how helpless that can feel. But the thing that 70 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,439 surprised me the most wasn't that all of this was 71 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,720 really happening. Like most of you, you know, life is 72 00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:25,879 thrown plenty of challenges our way, but somehow, in the past, 73 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,920 I've always managed to just pick myself up, figure it out, 74 00:04:28,959 --> 00:04:32,600 and keep moving forward. But for this time, I don't know. 75 00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:36,279 This year, for some reason, it just it feels different. 76 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,319 I don't honestly think it was just dad. I don't 77 00:04:39,319 --> 00:04:42,319 think it's mom or even my grandson, although that's a 78 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:46,079 tough one. I don't even think it's just one thing. 79 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,360 And I spent a lot of time thinking about this, 80 00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:52,360 probably a good three or four months, really trying to 81 00:04:52,399 --> 00:04:59,800 analyze myself. Good luck, but I think I've changed things 82 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,920 that I think I could have handled ten years ago. 83 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:08,079 Now just feel harder. They feel heavier. I worry way more. 84 00:05:08,199 --> 00:05:10,920 And I was always a worrier to begin with. I 85 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,959 worry all the time now and worry stay with me longer. 86 00:05:15,319 --> 00:05:17,759 And I can't seem to shake all of these things 87 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,720 the way I used to. And so I've thought about it. 88 00:05:20,759 --> 00:05:23,160 Maybe it's just my age. Maybe it's retirement, because now 89 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,680 with retirement gives me time, so I have more time 90 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,759 don't worry and to think about these things. Maybe it's grief, 91 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,279 and I'm sure there's a part of that. Maybe it's 92 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:33,759 just the season of life. I honestly, I really don't know. 93 00:05:33,879 --> 00:05:35,680 So this isn't going to be a video that says 94 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,800 here's five steps to go get over anxiety and depression. 95 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:42,959 It's not. I honestly don't know. But this one does 96 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,680 feel different. And I've always been the one who believed 97 00:05:48,199 --> 00:05:50,560 to myself, oh, you'll just get through it. Just keep going, 98 00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:52,680 put one foot in front of the other, just keep 99 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,600 going moreing, and so this is really really hard to 100 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,720 admit that I'm I'm I'm kind of stuck here. But 101 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,480 then I don't know, maybe two weeks ago, which is 102 00:06:01,519 --> 00:06:04,639 really what made me decide to do this video. It 103 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,319 was always a thought, but I went, yeah, I have 104 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:10,600 to is more than the anxiety I discovered. I'm really 105 00:06:10,639 --> 00:06:16,199 disappointed in myself. Now. Let me explain that one. I 106 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,560 don't talk about this often, but when I was a teenager, 107 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:23,480 someone very close to me struggled with severe depression, and 108 00:06:23,879 --> 00:06:26,279 I watched what it did to them. I watched what 109 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:31,360 it did to our family. I watched what it did. Actually, 110 00:06:31,399 --> 00:06:35,639 I lived what it did to me, and somewhere along 111 00:06:35,639 --> 00:06:38,240 the way, I made a promise to myself. I told 112 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,959 myself that will never be me. I thought, if I 113 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,920 was strong enough, if I just kept going again, if 114 00:06:43,959 --> 00:06:46,240 I put one foot in front of the other, somehow 115 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,000 I would be immune to those feelings. But I didn't 116 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,639 realize that that's a heavy promise for a teenager to make. 117 00:06:53,759 --> 00:06:57,680 And maybe that's why this year is so confusing for me. 118 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,000 Because every time I felt anxious, every time I could 119 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,000 and shake the worry. Every time I find myself laying 120 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:07,800 awake night after night after freaking night, thinking about dad, mom, 121 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,319 or any of the other millions of things I now 122 00:07:10,399 --> 00:07:14,399 worry about, a little voice inside me kept saying, come on, Mariene, 123 00:07:14,639 --> 00:07:17,399 You're stronger than this. You've handled things more than this. 124 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,519 You should be doing better, but I don't know why. 125 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:26,480 I just couldn't do it. And so I realized I 126 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,439 was being hard on me. It wasn't life, although you know, yeah, 127 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,360 I don't like where the things that have happened in 128 00:07:31,399 --> 00:07:33,519 my life, But it wasn't life that was being hard 129 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,759 on me. I was being hard on me. And so 130 00:07:38,279 --> 00:07:40,360 I thought, as well, if one of my friends was 131 00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:42,519 going through a different difficult time and they came to 132 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,040 me and said, you know, a year ago their dad died, 133 00:07:44,079 --> 00:07:46,319 they're struggling with that. Their mom is getting older and 134 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,519 she's struggling. Their grandson is struggling with any of these things. 135 00:07:49,759 --> 00:07:53,439 I would never never say to them, get over it. 136 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,399 You have to be tougher, put one foot in front 137 00:07:55,399 --> 00:07:59,319 of the other. No way, I tell them, be gentle 138 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,279 with you. I remind them that they're carrying a lot. 139 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:06,000 I would say it's because you love so much. I 140 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,879 would say, maybe you need to get help other places, 141 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,560 maybe you need to speak to someone. So why wasn't 142 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:17,360 I saying those things to me? So maybe maybe that's 143 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,399 why this year has been hard on me, because I'm 144 00:08:20,439 --> 00:08:22,639 not saying those things to myself. I'm being mean and 145 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,360 mad at myself and disappointed with myself. Maybe I've spent 146 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,040 the last almost fifty years trying to keep it promise 147 00:08:29,199 --> 00:08:33,120 to never feel those feelings, and it's really a promise 148 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:37,840 no human could ever live with. So so I don't 149 00:08:37,879 --> 00:08:41,399 know exactly. I don't know. I don't have it all 150 00:08:41,399 --> 00:08:47,600 figured out. I'm still learning. I'm still trying to figure 151 00:08:47,639 --> 00:08:51,799 it all out. But I don't know. I just know 152 00:08:51,919 --> 00:08:54,919 that a few things in my life. When I am 153 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:59,440 feeling bad and feeling anxious, a few things help me 154 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,639 to deal with it. It doesn't solve any of the problems, 155 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:04,960 at least not yet. Maybe someday I'll figure that magic 156 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,399 bullet out, but it helps me to just keep going. 157 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:09,600 So a couple of things are I need to get outside. 158 00:09:10,159 --> 00:09:13,039 I have a tendency. I love working on my speeches. 159 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,399 I love making videos. I could be I could be 160 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,679 attached to this computer. So I need to get outside. 161 00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:23,080 And when I get outside, I am great. I go 162 00:09:23,159 --> 00:09:25,559 for a walk, I go talk to people. I go 163 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,279 to the mall even when it's rainy or cold, whatever 164 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:32,000 it is, and I love love. Getting outside again. Doesn't 165 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,519 fix everything, doesn't make it magically disappear, but it helps. 166 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,879 Second of all, I really like people, as much as 167 00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:41,639 I say. As I'm getting older, I say, oh my god, 168 00:09:41,879 --> 00:09:44,480 I don't like people anymore. I really I really do 169 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:49,559 like people, especially my friends. So I in the last 170 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:51,600 three or four months, I've actually turned down a bunch 171 00:09:51,639 --> 00:09:53,720 of people saying, Hey, let's go for a glass of wine, 172 00:09:53,799 --> 00:09:56,000 let's go golf, let's do this, and I go, No, 173 00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:58,720 I'm busy. I've got work. I know I'm busy. No, 174 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,360 I have promised myself I'm going to get out and 175 00:10:01,399 --> 00:10:05,080 go visit with people and go talk to people because 176 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:10,320 that really seems to help me. And then this last one. 177 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:16,360 Maybe again, and I'm not sure yet, maybe recording a 178 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:21,519 video like this or talking about it will help. Now 179 00:10:21,919 --> 00:10:28,559 I'm not sure about this. In fact, I don't know. 180 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,399 I don't know. I feel very vulnerable. I don't like 181 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,399 talking about it. It's scary. There's a part of me 182 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,080 that still wonders what will people think. Are they gonna 183 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,639 look at me differently? So I'm not sure, but I 184 00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,840 think it's a good step in the right direction talking 185 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:46,279 about it. So again, none of these things are going 186 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,679 to solve everything, but they're going to just make it 187 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,720 easier to have more good times than more bad times. 188 00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:56,559 So once again, I really don't know why this time around, 189 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:58,960 it just feels so different. It feels like I'm carrying 190 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,320 the weight to the world on my shoulders. And maybe 191 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,799 one day I'll understand it. Maybe one day I won't, 192 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,440 But I am beginning to think that understanding it isn't 193 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,840 necessarily the most important thing. Maybe the most important thing is, 194 00:11:13,919 --> 00:11:16,200 just like I said a bit earlier, learning to be 195 00:11:16,279 --> 00:11:20,279 a bit kinder to myself while I go through it. 196 00:11:21,799 --> 00:11:25,240 So I'm not sure. So maybe it's time I started 197 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,039 saying those same things to myself. Be patient, be gentle. 198 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,320 If you need to go see someone and talk to them, 199 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:35,440 go see someone and talk to them. That's perfect. And 200 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:39,159 maybe if any part of my story sounded like your 201 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,039 story today, maybe it's time you two started saying those 202 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,960 kinder things to yourself too. Be patient, be kind to 203 00:11:48,039 --> 00:11:51,399 yourself if you need to go talk to someone about it. 204 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,080 I don't know if this video gave you any answers. 205 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,559 I'm not sure it gave me any answers, But I 206 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,559 think that's okay, because I think the best thing we 207 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,960 can do is stop pretending we have everything figured out, 208 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,720 which I like to pretend I do, and maybe we 209 00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:10,840 can simply admit that some times of life are harder 210 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:15,039 than of others, some days are heavier than others, and 211 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:19,200 that doesn't mean we failed. It means we're human. So 212 00:12:19,279 --> 00:12:22,559 thank you, not just for watching, but for listening to me. 213 00:12:22,639 --> 00:12:27,320 Be extremely brutally honest today, and if you're carrying something 214 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,960 heavy too, I hope you remember one thing. Be kind 215 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,919 to yourself as you would be kind to someone you love. 216 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,799 So take good care of yourselves and hope to see 217 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:56,759 you in the next one.