Speaker 1: What's up, besties. Welcome back to Talking Schmidt. It is
your mother, Britney Schmidt. I'm so excited to be here
with you today. That was a lie. That was a
bit of a lie. I'll be honest. I'm kind of
going through it right now. I feel like every single
time I sit down to record, I'm going through it.
Is this just a year where like I'm supposed to
go through it? Is this just a year where everything
is supposed to feel sticky and icky and bad and funky.
I don't know. I had really high hopes for this year.
And I've said this before, like silly me. I was like,
this is gonna be a great year. We're like into April.
We are all the way into April, and it's not
feeling great. I'll be honest. And I had a friend
check me the other day. She is somebody that I've
met out here in the program, and she's like one
of one friends that I've made here, and she's like,
I think you need to start being more grateful. And
I was like, bitch, square up grateful about what? And
I've been practicing gratitude. I've been practicing my little gratitude
list ever sentally said that I've been practicing gratitude, and
it's funny how your spirit does start to settle when
you are practicing gratitude. And I just got some really
bad news yesterday, like really really fucking bad news yesterday.
I'll tell you guys about it later because they don't
keep secrets from you guys. But I can't tell you
up top because if I tell you up top, I
will start rying. But even through this bad news, which
is going to be ongoing, I've been practicing gratitude. I
wake up and I'm like, I'm grateful for my home,
even though it looks like a fucking sim's house. I'm
grateful for my boyfriend, even though he's not perfect. Actually,
he's been really really good lately, and you guys were
so nice to him that thank you all for the
kind comments. He was so scared to do the podcast,
but he did such a good job. And I want
to hear from you guys, like I want to hear
what you guys want out of this, Like do you
like guests? Do you like solo? Do you need more structure?
Should I quit podcasting? Should I start a new life?
Should I run to Bali where I would be considered
a very wealthy person there and just hide in a
tpe for like four to six years. Should I pull
a Dave Chappelle, even though nobody would miss me and
nobody would be sad that I was gone? Maybe I
just pull a Chappelle and I leave the country for
a couple of years. And do I have ancestors or
roots in BALI No, I don't, but it's about one
of one places I could go where my money would
mean anything. So anyway, I've been doing gratitude liss, waking
up in the morning saying everything I'm grateful for. And
then here's a fun trick. So I was having a
really hard time sleeping and I quit caffeine. Again, that's
not a trick, that's just like something I've done because
I'm a fucking addict. I'm an addict in every sense
of the word. If I find something that I like
and it makes me feel a little different and it
takes me out of my head, I'm like, give me
four hundred of them. They're like, but ma'am, four is
what we recommend for coffee servings per day, and I'm like,
I want all of them. I can't stop. Here's what
I do with coffee. Here's my little pattern with coffee.
And I'm gonna go on a rant, and I'm not
gonna remember where I started, and I'm not gonna be
able to get back there. So we're gonna go get
lost together. Okay, besties, let's get lost. Come hold my hand,
Come on this journey with me. This is what happens.
So a couple years ago, I quit drinking caffeine. It
was the best year of my life. I when my
head hit the pillow at night, nine pm, ten pm,
I was out like a light. When I woke up
in the morning, it was eight to ten hours later.
Whatever my body needed that night, and I was wide awake,
and I had my own energy, and I was a
fully functioning human being the exact way God intended me too.
I was completely sober. I wasn't drinking any caffeine. I
was just drinking water. Every once in a while, I'd
have a juice if I was feeling crazy. But the
only thing that I had to live for was chocolate,
and that wasn't enough. So eventually, you know, at that
point in my life, I was married, and Chris would
go on his little coffee walks in the morning, and
I felt excluded from the ritual. So I was like,
I'll get a DCAF coffee. I'll get a DCLF coffee.
And then DCLF Coffee turned it into a I'll have
a tea. Tea is low caffeine, right, tea is low caffeine.
I'll ease my way back into it. I'll have a
tea whatever. One tea won't hurt me. And then I
felt a little something and I was like, oh, I'm
gonna chase that drag and I want to feel a
little something more. And so then I was like, I'll
have a try latte. It's like kind of tea and
it's kind of coffee. Right, No, and it's coffee. I think,
I don't know none of my business. But I kicked
it up a notch from there, and I said, give
me a dirty try. And what's a dirty try? A
dirty try has a shot of espresso in it. And
that espresso made me feel alive. And then I was like,
I want to feel alive all day long. And then
I would have two of those a day and maybe
three of those a day, and then what happens is
when my head hits a pillow at night. It is
on a fucking hamster wheel. It is go go go, go, go, go,
go go going, and it can't stop. So um yeah,
I I just like fully relapsed on caffeine and then
I never really like unrelapsed. Like there was a time
a place in time where I tried to drink less
of it, and you know, like the true alcoholic in
me was like, I'll just have it before eleven am,
before twelve pm, as long as I don't have it
before four p you know. But what the trade off is,
I get to feel amazing and like I'm on top
of the world and like I am not quite myself,
which is all I want in this world is to
feel like I'm not quite myself. Anything to take me
out of my own motherfucking medulla, anything to take me
out of this head of mine that hasn't served me great.
I'll be honest. This head it's a bad neighborhood. It's
the ghetto. I wouldn't go there, Okay, if I were
you and I could choose where I wanted to go,
choose my own adventure in life, I wouldn't pop into
my head because it is a dark place and there
are demons up there and they're fighting for their fucking life. Okay,
But sometimes when I drank coffee and I had some caffeine,
I was like, let's play. Let's dress the demons up,
you know, Let's put them in a fucking dress and
take them out for a two step. Let's take them
for a fucking spin. Let's give them a little caffeine.
Let's give them a little something to live for. But
what happens is this caffeine is great when you're busy. Right,
when you're a busy person, you're going into an office,
you're getting shit done. You're like, you know, you're drinking
a coffee, you're blasting off emails, you're firing out creative,
you're going into the bathroom, you're taking a meaningful shit,
and then you're getting back at your desk and you
keep going. That is when caffeine is your bitch, lover,
And if that is your life, I think you should
have caffeine. I think you should never stop drinking caffeine.
I think maybe do cocaine while you're at it, you
know what I mean. Like, when you have shit to
get done, here's when we hit the skids with caffeine.
When you don't have anything going on. When you're bored
and you're over caffeinated and you're just sitting there ruminating
and thinking about every person who's ever hurt your feelings
and every single person that's ever done you wrong in
every single way that you could get revenge, that is
when cappine becomes your enemy, because then what does it
do gives you anxiety? And here's the thing about anxiety.
Anxiety is living. It's not living in the present, and
living in the present is the only way to feel joy.
And have I ever felt joy a moment in my life,
maybe for five minutes, I don't know, but I'm aware.
Here's the really tricky dichotomy about being me that really
bums me out, and it probably maybe you guys can
relate to this too. I know how to live to
be free and happy. I have read enough books, I
have meditated enough, I have done the work, and I
know how to be free. I know how to be joyous,
happy and free. But instead, because I'm bored, I go
fucking insane. I just like I'm not at peace, and
caffeine doesn't help with that because then I'm just not
at peace. And I have a lot of energy to
not be at peace. You know how sometimes when you
get mad about something, you tire yourself out and you're like, well,
now I need a nap because I'm so tired. Naps
fix everything, you know, Naps really truly fix everything. Have
you ever thought I should kill myself and then you
just take a fucking nap and you're like, ah, never mind,
new lot on life. I have more reasons to live
now than ever, just like a little little boost of energy.
And how weak are we as the human species that
we need sleep? Right? So much? Sleep? Like it is crazy.
And here's the thing. I love sleep. I've always loved sleep.
You guys are probably gonna listen to this because I
did one other episode like this where I talked really
fast and you guys all said I was on drugs
and that was very mean. But whatever, I love sleep.
I've always loved sleep because sleep. When I was a kid,
sleep to me was the only escape from life. I
hadn't found drugs or alcohol yet, or sex or any
of my other many addictions. I hadn't found any of
those to take me away from myself. So sleep was
the one place where I am alive. But am I
I'm here, but am I. There's no drama, there's no troubles.
There's nothing wrong when you're sleeping, unless you have a
horrific nightmare, in which case whatever. I don't know. I
saw something on Instagram the other day that said your
soul doesn't know what to do when it's sleeping, and
I actually don't understand. There's a lot of different you know,
I'm gonna read a book on this before I tell
you guys anything. I was just gonna try and repeat
something that I kind of half paid attention to, and
I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna
be a dangerous person who spreads miths information anyway. All
that to say, what the fuck is going on? Besties?
Do you guys even like this podcast? Do you guys
like it? Be honest? Looking for feedback. I want to
know what's working, I want to know what's not working.
I personally like it, but I feel like I've been
complaining a lot lately, So I wonder if I'm just
like a downer in your guys' life. And I hope not.
I feel like I've kind of had negative vibes this here.
I'm trying to keep it off the pod. But yeah,
like life is just you know, life is just lifing,
and unfortunately that's going to keep happening until it doesn't.
You know, I can't jump into the bad news yet,
So I'll tell you Oh, I'll tell you guy something else.
Here's another thing I've been doing. I've been cooking, Like
Betty fucking Crocker, Am I a good chef? No? Am
I a top chef? No, I'm a bottom chef, like
I am a real vodka bottom shelf chef. Like I
am not good. I've never been good. My dad is
an amazing cook, Like he told me my whole life.
He's like, pay attention because one day you're gonna need
to know this stuff. And I was like nah, and
I just didn't pay attention. And I've been calling him
every night being like what was that recipe? What's this recipe?
I don't have anything to do here. So I've been
like Betty fucking Crocker. I roasted a chicken, which is
not hard to do, but like, who the fuck roasts
a chicken that is a whole entire housewife? That is
a housewife. Activity I roasted a chicken. I made banana pancakes.
Excuse me, Jack Johnson, I have just been cooking. I
made some breakfast tacos. Anyway, what happened to my dreams?
What happened to my dreams? You guys, where'd they go?
Where they go? I did go to Chicago this last weekend,
which is a lot of fun. You guys saw it.
Last week we did an episode with Doctor Eric. He's
the best. I love him so much. He's so smart
and funny. I hope you guys learned a lot from
that episode. But I will say in that episode, it's
so funny because I say to him like I want
my lips don la Lah want do my lips? And
he's like, you don't need your lips done? And I
was like, give me a little something. Doc. You know,
here's the thing. Don't bully your friends into doing work
that they just told you you don't need. Because my god,
did we accidentally overfill my top lip? I looked insane?
You guys. I have to send you a picture. We
did it like kind of close tonight. And if you
guys know anything about injections, one of the things about
getting lip injections or any sort of injections, is you
have to sleep elevated because otherwise, when you sleep flat
on your back, the blood rushes to your face and
it swells. Blood rushes to your head and it swells.
So I woke up and I looked like Donald fucking Doc.
And I was like, oh no, oh no, what have
I done? And everyone's like, here's the thing. You, guys.
You need honest friends in your life. You need people
like me who are gonna tell you when you look
fucking crazy. Okay. I sent it to a bunch of
friends and I was like, oh no, look what I did.
And everyone's like, it's fine, you're just swelling. No, everything's good.
They're gonna go down. Everything's amazing. Sent it to Shane.
Shane was in Chicago, and Shane Gellis was in Chicago
doing shows. He is, by the way, just like the
nicest person, Like he would never say anything mean to me,
but I, well, maybe he would if I was asking
for it. But I told him. I was like, I'm
coming and I look like a fucking idiot, so don't
say anything. And I get into the green room and
it's him and Santino is there doing a guest fun
Santino and I are infinitely closer than me and Shane.
Like Shane's the homie. I love Shane, but like I
barely see Shane. Shane's obviously on top of the world,
running around doing everything. So I get into the green room.
Shean's like, dude, it's not that bad. You don't like
that bad. Santina looks at me. He's like, you fucking
big bitch, What did you do to your face? I
fucking the scream, I scrumped. I was laughing. So I
did not feel good though, so I didn't stay that long.
Change show is amazing. His opener was great. Santino did
a guest spot God, I want to remember his opener's name.
I think it was Kevin Iso. I think it's Kevin Iso. Bruh,
so funny, like so so so funny, such a smart writer.
Every joke took a turn that I didn't expect it
to take. And that's all you can ever ask for
in comedy is to be like pleasantly surprised by another
comedian's writing. Santino is great. Hannibal Buris dropped in into
to set and I'll say this. I'll say this, Hannibal
He's great. He's a legend, obviously, but he did his
two change jokes, which are like old, very old I have.
I'm so hard on myself about reusing old jokes. I'm like,
I can't do that. That's old. People have seen it.
I have to remember, like the number of people that
have seen my comedy is so small, and like when
I'm doing rooms with other people's audiences, I would say
there is maybe you know, let's say I was doing
Shane show. I was not doing his show, but let's
say I did his show, there would maybe be twenty
people in that room who had even ever heard of
me before, and he did the United Center. Okay, so
I don't know it, just it gave me a moment
of pause where I'm like, oh, yeah, a legend like
this is doing old shit because he knows it slaps.
And all you gotta do when you're going to work
is make sure this shit slaps, especially when you're working
on someone else's show. I know, you guys don't care.
You guys don't want to talk about comedy. I was
just telling you a little bit about what I learned
this weekend. And then on top of that, Santino obviously
fucking crushed. He's a monster. He's so fucking funny, but
it was good. It's good, and I'm the moral of
the story is you need people that are gonna tell
you when you look fucking stupid. Because the gays that
I was staying with, my friend Brian, who I love dearly,
he's like, you're you're gonna be fine once the swelling
goes down. What's the swelling goes down? And I was like, no, no, no,
we did something wrong here, and I'm one hundred percent
saying it's my fault because doctor Eric was like, you
do not need this, you do not need this, and
I was like, put it in, you dumb little bitch.
And I didn't call them that. My friend Ali, you
guys know Ali Ali Colbert. She FaceTime me. She's like,
oh my god, you look off. She's like, what did
you do to your face?
Speaker 2: Ah?
Speaker 1: And that's the sort of humbling that I needed in
that moment. You know, I just was like, nope, you're right,
you are right. So yeah, you got to have people
that are honest with you. And here's the thing. I'm
that person on other people's lives, but I think that
we have a sort of blindness towards our own faces
and our own bodies. And I've talked about this, not
on this podcast, but on this is the worst, Like
I would talk about like when I started doing iz empic,
like could I have afforded to lose a few pounds, sure,
but god damn, I did not have any idea how
good I looked when I did it. And not saying
that to be like up my own ass. I'm saying
that because I, like, I have now done this a
few times where like I think I'm fixing something and
then I make it worse, and it just reminds me
of the saying that my dad always said, if it
ain't broke, don't fix it. And the few times in
my life when I have tried to buy something new,
not on my body, just in life, buy something new.
When I had a thing doing that function that worked perfectly,
the new thing almost is always worse. Like I've done
this before. With a cell phone. I remember one time
I had Sprint. You guys remember that back in the
dinosaur days. I don't even think they're in business anymore.
I had Sprint and what does that reflect? Okay? Sorry,
I had Sprint and I had a got it. I
didn't even have an iPhone at the time. I don't
remember what phone I had. Maybe it was still a
BlackBerry and the BlackBerry worked fine, and Sprint the network
worked fine. But I remember someone like teased me for
having Sprint. They're like, you know, they had the family Plan.
Do you guys remember that the friends and family Plan?
Oh my god, I can't talk okay. Anyway, someone teased
me about it, and I was like, you know, maybe
it's time for me to get an iPhone. Maybe it's
time for me to upgrade to AT and T, you know,
get on board with the rest of the world. And
so I did that two days before my birthday, and
I got a new phone, and I remember on my birthday,
I didn't hear anything from anyone, and I was like,
what in the sam Hill's going on here? And when
I looked into it, because it was switching over from
the green bubble texting SMS to iOS texting, it got
like lost in translation and all the wires got crossed.
So I like rean into people after my birthday and
they're like, oh, yeah, I texted you on your birthday
and you didn't text me anything back. And I'm like,
how many messages did I miss? I missed my whole
I now I don't know who loves me. I have
been since I've been like Billy Madison and like not
Billy Madison, what's that Steve Buscemi's character and Billy Madison
making the two kill list that was me after my
birthday to kill and lipstick and just everyone who didn't
text me. And then like when people started saying they
did text me, I would like cross them off the
list that literally was me. But it was like it
wasn't broken, the phone was working fine, the service was great.
Oh and this is the other thing. I lived in
Venice Beach at the time, on the beach and at
and T service over there was whack a doo, so
I had to like leave my apartment to get serviced.
It was just a whole thing where I just remember
my dad being like, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And I've also
been feeling that way lately about my car, like I'm
ready for a new car, but it ain't broke, so
I'm not gonna fix it. Because this is the lesson
that I learned. Okay, this week's episode is brought to
you by Berber hair oil. You got. You know I
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just slick back in Florida. That's my whole entire vibe,
no makeup, slick back hair. It is a regenerative year
for mama. Okay, she's taking care of her skin, she's
taking care of her nails. She's taking care of her hair. Okay,
she's not taking care of her nails. She's got fucking
nails on. Sorry, sorry, I lied nails and sikin. It's
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Berber is my number one hair care secret. It's not
even a secret anymore. I talk about it every single week.
I want you guys to come on this journey with me.
It's burdock oil. I did the Derma Planer. I got
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so much. Talk to you later, besties. So I got
my lips donecause I wanted to, like get a little
judging done. I looked stupid for two days and then
I have been toying with getting a boob job, and
I it's funny because I posted something about wanting to
get it and like the responses are truly so fifty
to fifty. It is a divided right down the middle crowd,
like and I thought it would be more men being
like get your titched done, Like no guys have. Actually,
some of them that have responded are obviously like fuck
yoh go ghetto go getto teddies, bitch, but like a
lot of them are like you're bought of your choice,
or like, you know, do him if you want him.
One guy said something great. He was like, dude, you know,
if you want to get your tits done, get your
tits done. He's like but just know, any guy that
wants you for your tits is a And I was like,
that's a fucking iconic response. I love that. But a
lot of girls have sent me messages being like it
is life changing. I love them so much. I wish
I would have got them done sooner. And then the
other half are like, don't do it. It's poisoning your body.
I got mine, I had to get them taken out.
My personality changed. I got sick from them. La la
la la la. So there's like, you know, there's the
dichotomy of that, like could it make you like a
ton more confident? And yeah, but I also like, don't
hate my tits, you know what I mean? So this
is a thing or it's not broke, don't fix it.
Like I'm like, I like my little mole sea cups,
my little bouncy girls. They're not bad. I'm just bored. Okay,
you guys, that's what's going on. That's the theme of
this episode is Mama is fucking bored. So what I
have decided to do and I don't know if I'm
gonna do it, but I do think I'm gonna do it.
I think I'm gonna get a job while I live here.
I think I need to do something that's not comedy
and not podcasting to spend my days. Because let's be
real about podcasting. I love you guys so much. If
I could spend every hour every day with all of you,
I would, But this is one hour a week editing
all in. Let's call it two and a half hours
a week. That is not a job, okay. And also
it's not paying the bills. Oh and this is why
I was asking, do you guys like the podcast? Because
here's the thing. I'm like at this tipping point where
I need more people to listen to it so it
can monetize. And I know you guys don't really necessarily
care about the back end of my business or how
this works. But I'm at a point now. And I
knew when I left the old but I didn't leave
the old podcast. When the old podcast ended and I
decided to start a new one, I knew it was
going to be nothing near that, Like Brittany Furlan added
so much to that other podcast, and like us Together
was such a great dynamic, Like that was such a
special thing. Obviously, that was lightning in a bottle. That
was a moment in time that's like not gonna come back.
But I knew it was never gonna be that big,
but I didn't I quite think it would be this
small either. And I'm not mad because I like intimate parties.
I think they're honestly better. But can you tell your
friends about the podcast if you like it? If you
like it, could you just like tell your girlfriends about it?
So or boyfriends or whoever friends? Would they them friends
about it? Because I just want to like tip it
over the edge. And the only other option, which you
guys hated when we did it with the old podcast,
is Patreon. Patreon would help me out a little bit,
but I know a lot of you guys would get
mad at me, so I just want to keep the
peace and I don't want everyone getting all fired up
at me. So anyway, just I'm doing a little telefriend campaign.
So if you could tell your tell your friends, tell
her friend to tell your friend, so we could be
friends and we could do this every weekend, that would
be great. Wow, you guys, is what an apisode? Okay?
So I started reading a new book. By the way,
I have three books around here, because don't worry, we
are doing the artist's way. We are doing the introduction
to the artist way. Today. You guys were yelling at
me in the comments. Someone was like, don't change the date,
and I was like, easy killer. Also, I lied to
you guys. I didn't mean to, but I did. I
thought it was a nine week course and then I
popped the book open and it's twelve weeks. Oh my Lanta.
So we are gonna be like in the middle of
summer by the time it's over. But I promise you
our brains and are little creative inside of us. Well,
just thank you so much. But I'm going to get
to that at the very end because some of you
guys don't want to do that. You're busy, you're just
not interested, and that's really fine and I respect that.
So what I do want to get into is this
book that has blown me the fuck away, The Art
of Detachment. Have you guys read this? And if you haven't,
what the fuck are you doing with your life? No
one even recommended it to me. I just went down
a wormhole on Amazon because I or Marcus Relius's meditations
and I just have been wanting to get more, tap
more into my spiritual work and my spiritual side. I've
been praying a lot more lately, which sometimes I do
and sometimes I don't, but I've really been like needing signs,
like direct signs from God about things, and so I've
been praying and it's working. And here's the thing. And
whether or not you believe in God, that's your business.
I do because I don't have any other choice, because
I believed in myself for so long and I thought
I ran the show for so long, and then things
went so poorly for so long that I was like, Hey,
anybody out there, could I get a little is anybody
alive about it? Could I get a little fucking help?
And the second you ask for help, you get it.
And it's funny because I used to have vague prayers, right,
I used to be like, Hey, God, what's up. It's
a girl brit just saying hi, and I love you.
I hope everything's good up there, you know, Like my
prayers were kind of dumb, but I was like checking in,
but they were kind of dumb. And then when I
had like real stuff come up that was like making
me soul sick and spiritually not feeling right. I started
doing the resentment prayer and the resentment prayer. For those
of you who don't know, it's something that I learned
in the program. But I'm sure if you're not, and
I know for a fact that if you're not in it,
you can use it and it will it will work
because it works like a motherfucker like it is basically
a person, place, or thing that you are holding hate
in your heart for. And I know you guys know
who mine is. I don't even have to say it.
I do need to be over it, though, because I
have to be fucking done. I have to move on.
It's April. I'm about to turn thirty seven this month.
I can't be holding hate in my heart. I can't
be drinking the poison and expecting another person to die.
So what I've been doing is the resentment prayer. And
so whoever you guys, just think about it right now.
You probably all have someone that you're just fucking fuck
that person, fuck you, fuck this, fuck that da da
da whatever it is. It can be anything anyone anywhere
but mine. We're at people specifically. And so what I
did at night was I prayed and I said, Hey, God,
what's up. It's your girl, what's up? It's me. I
just want to send a lot of love and light
and peace, and I uh to blank, whoever your person
is fill in the blank. I hope they get love.
I hope they receive the love they're looking for. I
hope they receive the abundance they're looking for. I hope
they get the big life that they dreamed for themselves.
I hope that they get everything they ever wanted. And
I am sending them and showering them in love and light.
Fucking cringe, bar fuck that. What the fuck are you
talking I with the First time I heard that, I
was like, that's the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard.
But I'll do it, you know, because that's where I'm
always at my life is I'm I am the first
person to judge a solution before I try it, but
I I'm always willing to try it because left to
my own devices, I am oftentimes in misery. So I
was like, that's fucking stupid. Why would I ever wish
my ops a good life? Why would I ever want
them to have a good life. But it's not even
about that. It's about when you send someone or something love,
you have to let go of the hate that you're
holding in your heart. You absolutely must and you know.
So anyway, I started doing that, and then I was
asking for specific prayers. And this is where it gets interesting,
because sometimes I get really quick responses to my prayers
and I just will be like, if I'm supposed to
do this, show me a sign. And the one that
I was looking for this week was if I'm supposed
to get a job, show me a sign. And I,
you know, I was toying with the idea, and you
guys are gonna maybe laugh at this or whatever. I
was just like, I could bartend again. I could serve
tables like I could do that. I loved that. I
loved serving tables. I loved being on my feet running
around the days flew by interacting with customers. Like am
I great with customer service? Obviously fucking not. But I'm
good at that job. I can get it done. I'm
a great bartender because I'm a fucking alcoholic. I can
make a mean martini. Okay, I can make all the
drinks under the sun, and I can make them fast.
And I only bartended for a year in Wisconsin, but
I made bank bartending and I was like, listen, the
bank that I made. Then I've I've redefined bank because
I've made different levels of bank, you know throughout my career.
Bartending now would not be bank for me, but it
would be like a good way to distract me from myself,
because I think the reality is that idle hands are
the devil's workshop, you know, like I and my dad
has always said this. My dad is an electrician. He's
a hard worker. He's always working with his hands, and
you know, when I quit corporate to work in comedy,
he was scared for me, not because of obviously the
clear prospect of failure, which I think most parents are
and they try and protect their children from. He's like,
but the schedule is also very tricky, right because I
work nights now and I only work when I want to,
and I work really okay. So this is something that
is within me because of the way I was raised.
So many things are within all of us because of
how we were raised. I always was naturally pretty pretty
good at school. I could just get it done kind
of without trying too hard. But I never wanted to.
Does that make sense? So like I could, but I
didn't want to. And the only reason I was not
an exemplary student, because I wouldn't say that. I would.
I was a good student. I was a's and b's.
But the only reason I was a's and b's is
because of my mom. Because if I was left to
my own defenses, I would have been b's and c's.
Because I'm lazy. Okay, that's the thing. I'm a tourist.
I like my bed. I like to lay down. I
like to snooze. I like a snack. I like a book,
I like a TV show. I like to lose myself
in comfort. Okay, and I just don't wanna Okay, most
of the time, I just don't want to. So I
can set goals for myself, and I can really mean
it when I set those goals for myself. But if
I don't have someone saying this is due by this date,
and if that doesn't happen, there are consequences. I usually
don't get it done. And I hate that about myself.
And I'm not blaming my mom for that. I'm really not.
I think it's just how I am as a person,
and I think she forced me to be a better
person in that category by like toxicity and manipulation and
violence and all of those things, but like she did
force me to be good at academics when I was
in school, but since I've left school, if I don't
have structure, I won't show up. And I always when
I worked in advertising, I always found out. I always
figured out a way to kind of game the system
where I could be there the least amount of hours
and do the least amount of work. But still like
my least amount of work was always exceeding expectations. Does
that make sense? Like I'm a and I'm not tooting
my own horn here, because what I am saying is
if I had any fucking dedication, motivation, ambition, if I
had anything in me, I could really accomplish some shit.
But unfortunately for all of us, I'm just like a
mid level accomplishing hoe and I'm kind of a stick
in the mud when when no one's breathing down my neck. So,
for example, this book I told you guys about this
book that I'm trying to write. It is an excavation
of the soul. It is heavy, it is hard, and
I don't wanna. Okay, every time I sit down to
write it, I end up sobbing, and I'm like, I
am sad I just upped my lexiproach to ten milligrams.
There's not a laugh the pro in the world to
keep me from wrenching, like wretching, sorry, not wrenching, wrenching,
crying when I'm writing this thing. And so it's hard
and I try to like make myself stick to it,
and I tried to give myself a schedule, but unfortunately
I don't have an advance and there's no one breathing
down my neck being like these this amount of pages
needs to be due by this amount of time, you know.
So I'm not really sticking to my goals in the
way that I would want to. So I think it
wouldn't be a bad idea for me to get a drum,
you know. I think, just like a little structure in
my life wouldn't fucking kill me. And I will keep
you guys posted on that journey. I don't think I'm
gonna bartend. Maybe I don't know. Maybe I was thinking
it could be exciting to be a cartgirl, just like
out in the sun with golfers just giving them their
beers all day. That sounds kind of cool. I don't know.
I'm just like exploring what my life looks like here
and I need to find a little bit of purpose.
But I think the thing that has me really excited
right now in this moment is the possibility of working
with rehabs and people in recovery out here, because there's
a lot of recovery and there's you know, there's just
like a lot of that around here, and I think
that would be purposeful work that's aligned with what I'm
trying to do with my life, which has helped people.
So that's where I'm at with my personal journey. WHOA,
I mean, this podcast has really just turned into like
a vlog about my life here And did anybody want that?
Does anyone? Did anyone ask for that? I don't think. So. Okay,
let's talk about the art of detachment because this book
was I was reading it on the flight to Chicago
and my, oh my, Okay, it's talking about the mind's
tug of war. Our minds are restless travelers, constantly leaping
from one timeframe to the other. We replay mistakes, reliving
them as if we could rewrite history. We anticipate future outcomes,
often fearing what might go wrong rather than trusting in
what could go right. This constant mental tug of war
robs us of the richness of the present moment. And
that's what I was talking about earlier. The present is
the only place that we have any chance at feeling peace. Okay,
So I like this analogy. I think that's what it is. Analogy.
I'm gonna have to check to make sure that's the
right word. One day, a disciple approached the Buddha with
a troubled mind, burdened by regrets of the past and
fears of the future. The Buddha asked him, if a
man is struck by an arrow, is it painful? The
disciple nodded, and if the second arrow strikes him in
the same place, would it not be even more painful?
The disciple agreed. The Buddha then explained, in life, we
can always avoid the We cannot always avoid the first arrow.
It is the natural pain that comes with existence, But
the second arrow, the suffering we create with our minds,
is optional. We shoot it ourselves when we dwell on
past wounds or worry about future troubles. Fuck like fuck
fuck fuck me up, Buddha, Okay, because that's literally my
My whole fucking life is thinking about did I fuck
everything up? In the past, and am I about to
fuck everything up in the future because I don't trust
myself that I'm always making the right decisions. I feel
like I looked back and ruminated on the past a lot,
especially after my divorce, and was like, did I just
fuck my whole life up? Did I just leave the coolest, smartest, funniest,
most handsome dude like he adored me, We owned a
home together, we had a dog together, like everything was great,
and I just was like, I'm not happy and I left.
And I remember I just beat myself up and beat
myself up and beat myself up about that for years.
But like the reality was in the present. When I
was in that situation, I was also not happy. And
then I got out of the situation, and then I
wasn't happy, and then I started thinking, well, what if
I don't make it in this industry, What if I
don't make it in this career? What if I don't
So I continue to just rob myself of my happiness
at all times. And I think that second arrow analogy
is so poignant because it's like life is filled with pain.
Life is going to be horrible, not horrible. Listen, it's fine,
right you know, it's fine, it's you know, it's got
fucking issues, but like that's all of our character development.
We're all down here to feel this shit and to
move through this shit. But like we don't have to
keep hurting ourselves, right. It's like it's like when you
have a cut and it starts a scab and then
you pull the scab off, and then it starts a
scabin and then you pull it off. You like, never
let yourself heal if you keep pulling out that scab.
Right and again, this is the dichotomy of my brain
where I know how to live life, to feel good
and to be present and at peace, and I can't
do it right. So I'm just telling you the things
I'm learning because I want us all to be aware.
And I hope you're not pained by the dichotomy. I
hope you guys can take action and like, actually, you know,
find some peace. Because I remember my old AA sponsor
used to say to me. She always said, I was like, well,
what if I fucked up? What if I wasn't supposed
to do with that? What if dadada? And She's like, well,
you know how, you know how it's supposed to happen
because it happened, and God's plan is perfect and you're
not in control. So even if you are, you know,
obviously we do have self will and we do make decisions.
And I did decide to leave my ex, but like
I decided to leave my ex with a clear mind,
and that's what needed to happen. Also, can I say
that man is fucking thriving like he is. He is thriving,
and I am so happy for him. Like he is
the head of creative at NBA two K. He's doing
great with his career. The house looks great. I think
he's starting to do some renovations. He has a new
dog with his girlfriend that he's had for like three years.
He's super happy. Also, he launched a hot dog company. So,
you know, one of the things I kind of told
him when we were married, I was like, you don't
have like a ton of ambition, you know, like you're
just kind of chilling. And it was a hard juxtaposition
because I was like chasing a fucking dream, right, I
was like, I'm gonna be a comedian and I'm an
a lot. And then you know, I think maybe he
thought like I wouldn't leave, but then I did, and
he started a hot dog company with one of his friends.
His friend Bryce asked him to do the creative because
he's an art director, so he's a creative director art director.
So what that means is when you're an average when
you see ads, the creative director is the person who
visually designs it, and the copywriter is the person who lingually,
like they do the not catchphrase, why can't I think
of it? Logline? Or that's also not the word? I
was in advertising for ten years. Why can't I think
of it? Well? Because my brain shuts out parts that
it doesn't want to revisit. Okay, it's trauma a little bit.
Copy copywriters do the fucking copy and the ads. Okay,
let's just put it that way anyway. So his friend
came to him, was like, let's I'm starting this hot
dog company. Do you want a percentage of it? If
you do? Like all the the why can't I think
of words right now? Like AdWords? I can't think of
that all the branding. There we go. Jesus, what was
that so hard? Anyway? So he did it. He knocked
it out of the park. The company is called Gleazy.
They're in Harris Teeters all over the country. They're in
a bunch of gas stations, like they they're gonna He's
gonna be Hotdog Ridge, Like that's that's gonna be his story.
And I'm so happy for him because like, fuck yeah,
he deserves that. No one deserves it more than him.
But like, truly, the impetus of him chasing shit was
the divorce. So it's like, was it horribly painful for
both of us?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Was it a little more? I don't think it was
more painful. I don't think we can measure pain that way.
I just think like it took me longer to move on.
I ruminated a lot more about it than he did.
But like, seeing his life now and seeing my life
now makes me so sure that, like that that was
the right move. And it's like such a Chinese farmer thing, right,
when you're in the pain and you're feeling like, oh,
this is fucking horrible, ooh this is hard, Chinese farmer
is like, we'll see. And then the other side of
that is like, has this transition to Florida been perfect? No?
Has it been great? Uh? Uh? Has it even been good?
Not really? But it's not bad. And I love Max
so much and we are so happy and like, are
we perfect? No, we definitely like fight and we have issues,
but we've been really really good lately and I feel
really at peace with him and really at home, and like,
you know, that was a long way for me to say, like,
if you're in the middle of the shit, just fucking
keep going because I promise there's something on the other
side of it, and there's always a lesson. But also,
if you're in the middle of the shit, don't keep
hurting yourself by like kicking yourself and being like, you
dumb bitch, you didn't have to do that, you didn't
blah blah blah, Like just give yourself grace. And I'm
so sick of that phrase. I'm so sick of people
saying give yourself grace. It's like, oh my god, can
we not, But like, actually give yourself a little bit
of a hug when you're feeling like you want to
beat yourself up because life's hard and we're all just
doing our best. But don't put that second arrow in,
you son of a bitch. Don't be a fucking masochist,
all right, all right, Okay, so this is it's still
from the art of detachment. I have another thing I
want to share with you. We are always running, always reaching,
always expecting life to happen elsewhere. We think joy will
come in a future, achievement and a milestone reached. But
when that future arrives, it never feels like enough because
we were never truly here to begin with. If we
want to live fully, we must slow down, breathe, be present,
otherwise we will spend our whole lives preparing to live
instead of actually living. That's a quote from Seneca, who
I think is a philosopher, but that's something I really
really relate to also, because you know, I think on
the episode with Ashley hassel Time, we talked about the
arrival fallacy, which is once I get this, then I'll
be happy. But the reality is if you don't, if
you can't figure out how to be happy now, like
if what you have now isn't enough, then more won't
make you happy. And that's the truth. And that's a brutal, brutal,
fucking truth, right because I have this too, and I'm
not again this is again with the dichotomy within me.
I know that I have to be present and be
here and enjoy this and be grateful, which is why
I've been doing my gratitudeless. I know in my brain
that's what I need to do. But when a journal
I'm like, you know, I would be so much happier
if I were on set shooting my TV show that
I wrote. I would be so much more fulfilled if
my movie got funded and I was, you know, going
to set every day and being a part of this.
And it's so funny because it's like, you know, I
never had dreams of like being a movie star or
being on TV or any of that stuff. But like,
I'm a writer and I love writing, and I have
written a movie that I'm very proud of and a
TV show that I poured a lot of my heart into,
and I've written things that I want to see come
to life, and for one reason or another, they're not.
And you know, Hollywood is having a going out of
business sale like that. The stuff that's come out about
the people that kind of all levels of operating over there,
it's you know, it's dark and it's a little creepy,
and and then also it's just a struggling industry. It's
not one that's making a ton of money anymore. And
I feel like I kind of arrived late to the party. Leo.
You know, I showed up. I'm like the last person
at the gang bang, so everyone's like already kind of
got their nut, and I'm like, wait, I still have
to go. So yeah, I uh. I have dreams. I
have things that I want to do with my life,
but they're not happening right now, which is why, you know,
I have sort of mentally pivoted to possibly getting a
little baby job here and exploring that and what I
might be able to pour into the world here. That's
not necessarily an entertainment. I don't think, you know. I
my ego wants my blinders to stay on. My ego
is like, you are a full time touring comedian, you
are a podcaster, you are at this, you are at that,
But like at the end of the day, like, oh,
my tickets aren't really you know, I pretty much have
a not doing stand up anymore. I have a few shows,
the ones that got pushed Raleigh and Nashville. If you're there,
please come. They got pushed their June seventeenth and eighteenth.
The tickets are on my website. Please come. I don't
even know if I'll remember how to do stand up
by them, but I will be there and I am
excited to go and to get on stage again. And
I think that's the thing about taking a break too.
I get like genuinely excited about stage time. Like where
I used to think of it as like a punishment.
I'm like, oh, this is a job. It's like a
death sentence. But now I'm like, no, this is so great.
I haven't done this since so long. It's so fun.
I'm so excited to be on tour with Rena, like
doing like a shorter set, not an hour, just doing
twenty minutes. Like that's fun. This is fun. And like
I think that's like the beauty of the pause, right
is once you like take yourself away from something that
you love but are burnt out by, then when you
return to it, you can just remember why you loved
it in the first place. Right. But anyway, so I'm
doing my best to be grateful and happy and and present.
That's like really really, Like you know, we make big
goals for ourselves. I want my movie made. I want
da da da. I want to be present. I want
to stay in this moment ten toes down in every
single moment that I'm in this year. That's all I want.
I don't I don't want anything else. If I can
just stay present, if I can just live minute by minute,
I will be I'll be good. Another thing, I have
a couple more things from this book. I want to
share it. And if you guys don't like this, if
you get like, I am actually reading comments this time
because I'm truly invested in this part. I was very
invested in the last podcast, but you know, my co
host read all the comments for us, and sometimes there
are means. So I was just like, I'm not going
to go here. It's a spooky neighborhood. And listen. Have
I caught a few strays? Of course I have, Like
I've seen a few things I wish I didn't see.
But I'm also seeing a lot of constructive things that
I'm taking into consideration. So if you guys don't like
me quoting books, then just tell me. Okay. So this
is integrating awareness and mindfulness into daily life. Do every
act of your life as though we're the last act
of your life. Live each moment fully with intention and awareness,
and you will never look back with regret. That's Marcus
Aurelius and that's The Meditations. So that's these took a
quote from The Meditations, which which is the book that
I was purchasing initially, which I'm going to tell you
guys about that one once I get through it. It's
a little chunkier to read. But I'm excited to get
through that one too. Another powerful practice is naming your distractions.
The moment you catch your mind wandering, whether to worries, plans,
or past events, pause and label it. Say to yourself, planning, overthinking, worrying.
This simple act creates a gap between you and your thoughts,
allowing you to regain control over your focus rather than
being carried away with mental noise. So one thing that
I've been trying to do since I read this book
and it's talking about like being in the moment and
truly being in the moment is when I'm eating, to
just eat. You know, I have a habit of like
i'll eat and all work, I'll eat and all like
scroll reels, I'll eat and I'll do something else. But like,
what's happening then is I'm not tasting my food and
I'm not enjoying that experience. So like the one little
change that I've made is just mindful eating. Right, taste
your food, slow down, don't eat like like I'm not
in a prison. I need to have my elbows up
and like inhale. The food so fascinate, so like some
nobody's gonna come jump me for my biscuit. Okay. So
I yeah, I've been just like more mindfully eating, and
I'm gonna get into I'm going to get into more
of these. I'm going to tell you guys the sad
update now. I think just before we disbound, because there
is a chance that this affects me and possibly the podcast.
I mean huge chance it affects me, possibility it affects
the podcast. So when I was in Chicago, I took
Biggie with me and he was like, you know, I
thought it was just like a little off since we
moved to Florida. And I have this thing where I
always think like, oh, he's going through a big change.
So he's just changing. Like even when Chris and I
got divorced and we were sharing him and going back
and forth, like his health declined and I was like, oh,
he's just a child of divorce. He's so dramatic. He's
da da da. And then he started having seizures. And
I think it was like between Chris and I, probably
like his fourth or fifth seizure before we took him in,
because we didn't realize the seriousness of it. We literally
just thought like, oh, he's just like going through something.
It's my first time being a dog mom. I don't know,
like I grew up on a farm. I never like
was directly responsible for any of the animals. I'm just
figuring it out as I go, right, So we ended
up hospitalizing him in twenty twenty two for seizures, and
we found out his calcium was low, and so he's
been on calcil trial, which is a calcium drug, for
since twenty twenty two, and he was mostly regulated. And
while they were doing blood work for all of his
seizure stuff in twenty twenty two, they're like, he has
stage stage one kidney disease, but it's very manageable, Like
you know, at stage one, they just told us to
put him on a special diet food and he would
be good. And so we did that and he was
like healthy and happy for four years, you know, And
and when we moved to Florida, he's been so happy here.
Like he goes out in the morning with Max, he
lays in the sun, they have balcony time. It's a
whole thing. Like he literally turned chocolate brown. He was
a completely black min pin. He turned chocolate brown because
he's been getting so much of this hot tropical sun
and he's just been like laying around chilling. But good,
like he was, you know, he was playing and good
and everything was fine. I did notice a bit of
incontinence with like his bladder. He wasn't really holding it.
But we're also on the eleven and story and we
have to go up and down elevators to go on walks,
and we have like a little peer area for him
outside that he like doesn't really love for some reason. Whatever.
It all seemed very minor. And then I got to Chicago,
and then you know, he wasn't eating his food and
he got diarrhea on our friend's rug that I was
staying with, and he was just sick, you know, And
I was like, oh, maybe it's just because he's in
a different environment, and like we moved and I'm taking
him to Chicago, like he's old and maybe he's just
like finicky whatever. And then I got back and I
was like, I think I should probably take him to
the vet because he was on day five of not
really eating. Yeah, So I took him to the vet
yesterday and we ran some panels and he does have
stage three kidney disease. And here's what that looks like
for those of you who don't know what the kidneys
even do or why they're in there, because I didn't know.
They basically are like a filtration system and they keep
you know, toxins and stuff out of the blood. But
when they're not working, obviously, then the poison and toxin
is going. Toxins are going into the blood. And you know,
he's super dehydrated and he can't really get hydrated and
food is just like not interesting to him anymore because
his body can't process it. Yeah, Biggie's my baby. Obviously.
He will be thirteen in May, and like for his breed,
he's a baby. You know, he's really really young. I
know thirteen is old for a dog in general, but
for his breed, it's more common for them to live
anywhere between fifteen and nineteen years. And I always was
like almost cocky about how long he was gonna live.
I was just like, yeah, he's gonna he's like a cat.
He's gonna live until he's like twenty. He's like, judge
you like a cat. He's cold like a cat, Like
that's my motherfucking dude. He's literally just like me. He's
like side eyes everyone that comes in the house. He
doesn't really trust anyone. He's not very warm and cuddly
until he is until he learns to trust you and
love you. And he just came around on Max and recently,
like within the last two months, and he's been like
cuddly with Max and it's like been cute and everything's
been really really nice. Here. The reality of this disease
is it's degenerative, you know. So he's not there. He's
in the hospital right now. He's going to be in
the hospital for three days and we're trying to flesh
his system out. But yeah, obviously the reality of this
disease is that like we can hopefully we can hopefully
regulate it. That is that is all I can hope for,
is that we can regulate it at this phase. We
get him into on a new diet. I'm really praying
that after he spends some time in the hospital, his
levels go down and we can figure out a diet
that works for him. I don't care if he peees
all over this house. Like that's like one of the
things too that I'm just like, God, what a blessing
it is that the desires fuck this place up so
bad because I don't care if he can piss and
shit everywhere. There's not a single thing in this apartment
that I care about. Like you know, when your dogs
have accidents, you're like, oh fuck, I love that rug.
Oh god, I love that couch. Oh no, this is
not replaceable. There's nothing in here that I give a
flying fuck about. I'm like, he can do whatever. He
can roll the rust. Like last night he you know,
I brought him home from the hospital, and because I'm
sleeping with him at night, he comes home, he has
like a needle in his arm. It's very sad. It's like,
very fucking sad, isn't he in his arm? And he's
like sad and weak and whatever. But he got out
of bed, and I, you know, I can't really walk
him with the needle in his arm because he limps
and he holds this arm up and whatever he got
out of bed, he took like this black It literally
looked like he laid tar. It was just like this black,
dark shit. And I was like, that's totally fine. On
this rug. On this rug that they said, you know,
allegedly was two thousand, no fucking world, Like, this is
like a seventy dollars rug that they got, you know what,
is probably free that they probably got it out of
a fucking dumpster. And I just used my little Green machine.
By the way, if you guys are a pet owner
and you have a dog that ever has accidents in
the house, the little Green machine. This is not an ad.
I just want you guys to fucking know the little
Green Machine cleans it up. I cleaned it up, washed
my hands, and I gave me and I was almost
gonna call him mister Manhattan, but now you guys know
his name. I gave Max and I just a little
hair oil treatment, so you guys can see I have
my burber hair, my little Berber hair oil in today.
I've just been living in burber haroil treatments, Burber Haroi
oil treatments, and lab grown diamonds. That's like my whole personality.
Now I'm like I've got my little labbies in my ear,
I've got oil in my hair, and I'm like, I
can't do makeup. I'm too tired. I'm just trying to
get through this year. It's been a kick in the dick.
I swear to God, if my fucking dog dies, I'm
going to be besides myself. I am purposely not allowing
myself to access my emotions right now as I talk
about this, because I don't want to be a weeping
willow at the end of our podcast, you guys, it's
all you know, it's Monday for you. You guys all
have shit to do. You have a big day ahead
of you. You don't need to hear some sad shit
about my dog not doing real well. But if you
guys do have any experience with the dogs who have
late stage kidney disease, please let me know, because I
am open to any and all solutions. And when I
was talking to my e bench, She's like, you know,
just putting him on a home cooked diet is not
going to change this, Like his kidneys aren't working. And
I'm just like, what can I do? I just want
him to be comfortable and happy, and you know, I
just look at his little sweet face and he's just
so innocent. Okay, I can't do this. I just told
you I wasn't gonna do this. All right, we're going
to do the word of the week. You're going to
do with the word of the week.
Speaker 2: Oh ooh interesting, I don't like that word.
Speaker 1: Oo well whatever, No, you guys know that word. I
know you know that word. Variegated vergated adjective V A
R I E, G, A T E D. Changing in color.
That which alters hue is variegated. June's latest needlework project
uses variegated thread to achieve a rainbow effect with leaves
in be variegated. I feel like they would be Okay,
you guys, if I'm losing you here, then I'm losing
you here. I love you so much and I will
see you next week. If you're sticking around for the
artist Way, stick around for the Artist's Way, because we
are doing the introduction. You guys, this is so exciting.
If you guys aren't damned U about the Artist's Way,
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you.
Maybe you've never done it again, Maybe you are a
little scared. Maybe you're like, I don't know what the
fuck kind of journey I'm even about to embark on
with you. No matter what you're feeling, I got you,
don't worry about it. I'm just today's gonna be really easy.
We're gonna go over the introduction and the basic tools.
We're not even gonna get into week one. Week one
will be next week, so that'll be nice. We're just
gonna go week by week. Next week, what I'm gonna
do for week one, I'm gonna go over week one
and I'm going to do the little homework prompts. Like basically,
when you go through your week at the end of
each week, there are gonna be little prompts for things
that you should do. And the things that you absolutely
should do are the ones that you are very drawn
to and the ones that are you you absolutely do
not want to do. Those are the two that you
should do, because the one that you absolutely do not
want to do that's resistance. That's like, that's where the
breakthroughs are gonna come. Okay, any of the prompts that
you feel neutral about or you don't feel one way
or the other about, leave them by the wayside. We're busy,
all right, all right, besties, we are busy. We do
not have enough time to do all these motherfucking prompts.
This is twelve weeks of our lives that we are
taking to dedicate to our creative self. That is such
a gift. You guys should be so proud of yourselves
for taking this time to work on your inner creator. Okay,
I love the way that it's described in the book.
As you know, we are made by our creator, and
therefore within us is a creator. It is our duty
to create, is our duty to continue that creation, you
know the way that I think about it, and this
is the way that I think about my creator too.
So maybe this will help you. I think that you know,
are we cannot be the top of the intelligence line. Right.
So when I had an example, and I've probably talked
about it on the podcast before, but when I was
having a hard time with God, when I was having
a hard time understanding Creator, Biggie was barking, he was
going crazy, and I was just like, Okay, you can
bark and go crazy if you want to, but you're safe,
like you're good, you know. And I was like, Oh,
that's how my creator looks at me. That's how my
higher power looks at me, like when I'm in traffic,
being like you fucking call blah blah blah. They're like,
you go crazy if you want to, but you're safe,
You're fine, you know. So that's how I understood creator,
and I think conversely, when you trickle it down the
other way, if something greater than us created us, then
we are something something greater than what we are creating.
I don't think I said that right. I think if
something greater than us created us, then it is our
duty to continue creation by creating, by being an artist
of some capacity. And it doesn't matter what you do
for work. It doesn't matter if you're an assistant. It
doesn't matter if you're an accountant. It doesn't matter if
you're a lawyer. It doesn't matter if you are a writer.
It does not matter what you do with your life
to pay the bills. There is something within you that
is dying to be made, and that's what this process
is going to help us unlock. So I'm really proud
of you guys, first and foremost for coming on this
journey with me, because it ain't easy, okay, but I'm
going to get into I highlighted a few things that
I'm pulling out and you guys read the introduction on
your own. You don't need you don't need me to
read that for you. But I want to talk about
the basic principles. These are very important. Okay. So this
is spiritual electricity. Those who speak in spiritual terms routinely
refer to God as the creator, but see creator as
the literal term for artists. I'm suggesting you take the
term creator quite literally. You are seeking to forge a
creative alliance artist artists with the great Creator. Accepting this
concept can greatly expand your creative possibilities. Leap and the
net will appear. Okay, these are the basic principles. If
you didn't read them, what I want you to do
is go back. They're on page three. Go to page three,
get a pen and paper, write them down. Tear that
piece of paper off and put it in your morning pages.
And every time you journal, I want you to before
you journal, to read the basic principles. So every morning
you're gonna be ingraining these basic principles in you. Okay. So,
creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy,
pure creative energy. Two, there is an underlying in dwelling
creative force infusing all of life, including ourselves. Three. When
we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to
the Creator's creativity within us and our lives. Four we
are ourselves creations, and we in turn are meant to
continue creativity by being creative ourselves. That's what I was
trying to articulate earlier. Obviously one of us is an author.
Both of us are authors. One makes money from it,
the other one just is like I type like Peter
Griffin with the long nails at the computer, and I'm
like and another thing. Okay. Five. Creativity is God's gift
to us, using our creativity as our gift back to God. Six.
The refusal to be creative is self will and is
counter to our true nature. Seven when we open ourselves
to exploring, Actually, on six, I want to stick a
pin in that, I'll just stick a pin in seven.
Revisit six. The refusal to be creative is self will
and its counter to our true nature. Something just came
to my head in regards to addiction and creativity. So
oftentimes there are you know, there are artists who drink
and write, and we know the hemingways, and we know
all the people who we were able to be brilliant
while they drank and drugs and whatever. You know, many
comedians of like the seventies, the Robin Williams, the cocaine era,
there were a handful of artists. So I know, you
guys are gonna you know, in your heads, you're gonna
be like, no, what about this person? What about this person?
What about this person? I think in general, addiction keeps
us from our creativity. It can, for a moment, for
a pocket in time, enhance it, but I think deep
down it can keep us from our creativity because it's
so much easier to get drunk and fucked up than
it is to create. And now this is as I
said that out loud. I just was like, but wait
a minute, there is like a there's a pocket. There's
a there's a moment in time when you've only had
like two lasses of wine and your inhibitions are down
and you can finally have thoughts without judging those thoughts immediately,
where you might have a little pocket of creativity that
feels like a burst. But I'm saying, sustained creativity is
really difficult to do an addiction because it is easier
to get fucked up and hammered and do drugs than
it is to create. And I think one of the
core ways we keep ourselves from our creativity is through vices,
So just be mindful of that. And like I said,
there is a caveat, because there is definitely there is
a magic like in any fucking thing that's wonderful, there's
a magic spot where you can finally create and not
judge yourself and write things down that you never were
brave enough to think or say or put pen to
paper two before. And there is definitely a pocket where
you can be great when you're imbibing. Generally speaking, though,
I do think it keeps you from what you're really
capable of, because that channel needs to be clear and
open for you to receive information from the creator. Okay seven,
When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open
ourselves to God good orderly direction. So that's what I
want us to remember God as good orderly direction. God
will show us the way. I was talking about this
earlier in the episode. But if you talk to just
start talking to the sky. It doesn't matter if you
believe in God or not. And the beginning of AA,
I called him sky Daddy. I couldn't wrap my head
around God. It was too big and too scary. So
if God scares you, just remember God is good orderly direction.
You can talk to the sky. You can talk to
a bird, you can talk to your dog, you can
talk to a palm tree, you can talk to whatever
the fuck you want to. I promise you will get answers.
Just ask the questions, okay. Eight. As we open our
creative challenge to the Creator, many gentle but powerful changes
are to be expected. Nine it is safe to open
ourselves up to greater and greater creativity. Ten. Our creative
dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we
move towards our dreams, we move towards divinity. Okay, So
how to use this book? You guys probably won't have
time to complete all the tasks I said that earlier.
Just do what you're really drawn to and what you
don't want to do. That's going to be the most important,
I think. So it's the morning pages and the artist date.
And if you guys haven't read this far yet, the
basic tools are the morning Pages. You guys need to
get a journal, and you need to journal three pages
a day. It's supposed to be one page is a
front to back page. Okay, so one page is front
to back two so like, technically it's like six pages
of writing. I have never, in my now eight years
of writing morning pages or journaling in the morning, ever
been able to do that. I think maybe I get
two pages if I'm being honest. If I'm being honest,
I want to be honest with you guys, because I
want you to know, do your best to get to three.
I run out of things to say. But the point
of the morning Pages is three pages front and back.
So you can get all of the clutter out of
your head, right. You can get the Oh I'm so
mad at this person. Oh I woke up grumpy. Oh
I got this email. Oh this made me mad. Oh
I feel tired. Oh I didn't sleep well. Oh I
had a nightmare. Oh I'm so sluggish. Oh this this
person did this thing and it's gonna affect my day.
Oh my day. God hijacked any feeling you have. And
you can just look at the page and be like, wow,
I am so fucking boring. I often look at the
page and be like I am so fucking boring, Like
is this actually who I am like I'm the most
boring personal life. But you just have to get all
that brain clutter out so that it clears your source
to the creator. This is not something you're gonna see
a change in instantly. I didn't. It takes time. It
takes repetition. So just stick with it. I promise you.
I promise you. The good stuff will come. It just
takes time. So what to expect. Many of us obviously
wish we were more creative. Many of us, since we
are more creative, but unable to effectively tap that creativity,
our dreams elude us. Sometimes we have specific creative longings
we would love to be able to fill, learning to
play the piano, painting, taking acting class, or writing. Sometimes
our goal is more diffuse. We hunger for what might
be called create of living, an expanded sense of creativity
of our business lives and sharing with our children, our spouse,
our friends. So whatever you're looking for, just don't be ashamed.
And it doesn't even have to be specific. If you
don't know what you're looking for yet, you'll find it,
I promise. Okay, we're on this journey together. We're going
hand in hand to the sunset. Okay, So what's going
to happen here is you guys are going to get
around four weeks. I would imagine that's where I've gotten it.
So I want you to know. I want to be
completely honest with you. I've done this book two times
in total my whole life. I have started this book
six times. Around week four, I decide it's too much work.
I decide it's too tumultuous. I decide it's too annoying.
I decide I'm good, I'm creative, I'm fine, and I
abandon it. But what that is is fear, and there's
there's It kicks up a lot of feelings. So I
want you, guys to be prepared for that, because it
does kick up a lot of feeling. There's gonna be
a lot of times where you're gonna want to quit.
You're gonna want to cut the cord and fucking run.
And if you do that, that's fine. I won't judge
you because I've done that. Okay, I've done that especially.
I don't remember what week it is exactly, is either
three or four. It tells you you can't be on
your phone for a week. It tells you can't read emails.
It tells you like it's it makes it really easy
to quit. Whatever week that is. I can't remember, maybe
it's week seven. It might be a little deeper into it.
But it makes it tough. So people will be tempted
to abandon this. It's kind of a creative you turn
where you turn it around and you're like, I'm good.
Recommitment to the process next triggers the free fall of
major ego surrender. Following this, the final phase of the
course is characterized by a new sense of self, marked
by an increased autonomy, resilience, expectancy, and excitement, as well
as by the capacity to make an execute concrete creative plan.
So I promise if you stick in there, the fruit
will The fruit will come. It just takes some time.
The fruit will be bured. I don't know. Okay. Anyway,
so during this process, we're going to excavate our very dreams. Okay,
some of our dreams are very volatile, and the mere
act of brushing them off since an enormous surge of
energy bolting through our denial system, we more in the
self we abandoned. Okay, so a lot of us are
living jobs that are not the dreams we wanted to
do as kids. Obviously, life comes at you hard and fast,
and you gotta do what you gotta do to pay
the bills. But there is still an inner child and
an inner creative within you that really wanted to do
something else and really believes deep down it has a
little talent and a little vision, a little something. Okay,
and you gotta listen to that voice. That's the next
twelve weeks. I want you to listen to that voice.
I want you to honor that voice. I want you
to put that voice first, that child's voice that says
you are special, you are funny, you are smart, you
are talented, you are interesting, and honestly, you're so fucking interesting.
We need to gather the whole family into the living
room and do a little show. We gotta, you know,
we gotta poorly choreographed tap dance with some crazy costumes
that we pulled out of all five closets in this household.
We're cross dressing a little bit and tap dance and
a lot of it, and we need the whole family
to watch. That is the person that I want to
show up to this course, Okay, the one that used
a shoe as a microphone and sang off tune with
all of the confidence in the world because that person,
I promise you it is for me and I am
technically a creative for a living. It is all the
way down there, all right, it is. It has been
pushed down by people that have said, you're not pretty,
you're not funny, you're not smart, you're not interesting, you're
not good, you're not you're not you can't. You can't
do that. That's not logical. You shouldn't do that. You're
not going to be able to live make a living.
I'm worried about you if you do that. All of
those things, all of those voices inside of your head
that are telling you for whatever reason, or have told
you in the past. It could be a parent, it
could be a teacher, It could be anyone who has
given you logic, brain reasons to shove down your inner artists.
All those voices. We have to work on getting them
out of our heads. Okay, we're gonna work on that
in week one. They're called blurts. It's a weird word,
but just we're gonna work on it, all right. So,
working with this book, you will experience an intensive, guided
encounter with your own creativity, your private village champions, wishes, fears, dreams, hopes,
and triumphs. This experience will make you excited, depressed, angry, afraid, joy, is, hopeful,
and ultimately more free. Okay, So the basic tools of
the morning pages I told you. I told you what
they are earlier. Three pages front to back stream of
conscious writing. Okay, every single morning, if you can, before
you look at your phone in the morning. Because when
you look at your phone in the morning, you're just
putting junk in there. You are giving yourselves the reason.
You're giving yourself a reason to get riled up, to
get pissed off, to get triggered, to get agitated before
your brain even comes online. So no phone, if you can,
if your schedule permits, do three pages long handwriting. It's
a brain dump. Okay, Just get every single thought you've
ever had in your head out. Then then there's something
called the sensor. The sensor is what I was just
talking about before. The sensor is that voice in your
head that says you can't do that, you shouldn't do that,
you're too old to do that. If you haven't started yet,
you're never gonna do it. It's that voice, that nagging,
little fucking voice. It says you're too old, you're too bullying,
you're a little that voice. The only way to get
rid of it is to write down what it's thinking. Okay,
So write all of those down when you start doing
your morning pages. Write all of the sensor's thoughts down.
And the sensor could have come from, like I said,
a parent, a teacher, anyone. It could come from a spouse,
a partner, anyone who tells you that your goals and
dreams are not pragmatic. That is the sensor. You have
to write down their thoughts and no notice that it
will aim for your jugular It will aim to take
you out at the fucking knees. Okay. The sensor doesn't
want you to create, It doesn't want you to really
be happy or fulfilled at all, So you gotta The
only way you can work through what's real and what's
the sensor is by writing the sensor's thoughts down and
acknowledging that's not me, that's a voice in my head
that got put there by X, Y and Z. Okay.
So the logic brain was and is our survival brain.
It works on known principles. Anything unknown is perceived as
wrong and possibly dangerous. Artist brain is our inventor, our child,
our very own personal, absent minded professor. Artist brain is
our creative, holistic brain. Our sensor scans our creative meadow
for any dangerous beasts. Any original thought can look pretty
dangerous to our creator. Who wouldn't be blocked if every
time you tiptoed into the open somebody your sensor made
fun of you. Okay, we move from logic brain to
artist brain, and from fast to slow, shallow to deep.
Seekers choose to view the process as a gateway to God.
Artists and creativity mavens approve it as a conduit for
higher creative insights. All of these notions are true as
far as they go. They do not go far enough. Yes,
we will alter our brain's hemisphere, lower our stress, discover
and enter contact with creative source, and have many creative insights.
So basically, the morning pages are going to serve as
a form of meditation. If you already meditate in the morning, great,
add this to the routine. If you have a busy
morning and you have kids, and you have shit going
on and you don't have time, maybe wake up a
little early. If you can. You're going to need thirty
pages or thirty minutes, twenty minutes, I would say minimum, minimum,
probably thirty minutes to get these pages done. Do your best. Again,
no judgment. And if you fall off after this first
one and you're like I'm done, I don't want to
do this anymore, I totally get it. So the artist
date is what we have to do. This is a
one on one date. You are not bringing spouses, you
are not bringing children, you are not bringing friends. You
are going one on one to do something that serves
your inner child. Whether it's going to the store and
buying paints and painting, whether it's getting a coloring book
and coloring in a coloring book, whether it is going
to an art museum or a bowling alley or a
walk on the beach, or anything anywhere that brings you joy.
You're doing it by yourself. I cannot stress that enough, okay,
because you need to give yourself the space and time
for the connection with the higher self, with the creator.
And that's it's hard to come that's hard to come
by when you are having a conversation on the beach
about Kathy from yoga, who fucking wears a seat through
yoga pants and her husband's cheating on her, and oh
my god, and she drives that car and she has
that big ring, but she just looks like such a
fucking idiot because everybody knows he's fucking the yoga ins
drying a want. Okay, it's really hard to do that
when you're gossiping, when you're keeking, And Mama loves to gossip.
Mama loves to kiki. Mama loves to really just be
taken out of myself in any way that I can be,
even if it's a conversation gossiping about God knows what.
So you can't have anyone with you. And this is
a good analogy that's in the book, but it's basically like,
think of the child of divorce who gets to see
a beloved parent only on weekends. During most of the week,
your artist is in custody of a stern, working adult.
What that child wants is attention, not expensive outings. What
that child does not want is to share the precious
parent with someone like a new significant other. Spending time
in solitude with your artist child is essential to self nurturing.
A long country walk, a solitary expedition to the beach
for a sunrise or sunset, a sortie out to a
strange church to hear gospel music, to an ethnic neighborhood,
to taste foreign to taste foreign sights and sounds. Your
artists might enjoy any of these, or your artists might
like bowling. So yeah, and increasing is so this basically
is going to increase our capacity for good creative work.
You're looking for inspiration right when you're going out. You're
not looking for it. You're gonna find it when you
purpose give yourself time to fill yourself up. You have to,
you know, you have to have a well of things
that you can pull from, because all good artists steal,
and they don't steal exactly, but they see something that
inspires them and then they think of something else and
then off to you know, they go from there, it's
off to the races. So it's like, you have to
have you can't just have tiktoks in your fucking brain,
you know what I mean. That's mash potatoes and no gravy.
That's like fucking dusty ass mashed potatoes. You can't just
be scrolling tiktoks and be like, oh no, I'm filled
with thoughts and ideas. No, you're not. That's other people's thoughts.
It's other people's ideas. It's ruining your brain, it's ruining
your attention span, it's taking you out of the flow.
You need to see art interact with textures and feelings
and environments to be created, to be creative, to be inspired. Okay,
art is born in attention. It's midwife is detail. Art
may seem to spring from pain, but perhaps that is
because pain serves to focus our attention onto details, and
that the motherfucking I think every time that I write
the best jokes or I do the best work, it's
because I have experienced a substantial amount of pain. And
then I kind of trick myself into believing I have
to be in pain in order to create. But that's
not true. The only reason I'm good at creating when
I'm in pain is because I pay attention. All other
times I'm yanked out of reality and I don't pay attention.
The days I've lost loved ones have I can tell
you every detail of every day. It's a strange thing
about grief. It's a strange thing about pain. It draws
you into the present, because it's so fucking gnarly. But
if you can try and pay attention, and you're not
going to be able to, but just give it a
little try, try and pay attention, like on the days
when something fucking bad happens to you and you remember
every detail, and then by every single detail, you can
make it funny. You can remaster it into something that
will help other people. Heal, Okay. The artist's brain is
a sensory brain. Cit and sound, smell and taste, touch,
the elements of magic and magic is the elemental stuff
of art. In filling the well, think magic, think delight,
think fun. So this is when you're going on these dates.
You're filling the well. So whatever you've been wanting to
do for a while but you've been putting it off
because of X, Y and Z, just again. Just know
you're gonna be like, I'm too busy, I don't have
time to do this. I did. That's your censor. That
that sort of resistance means you need to go there.
So if you want to quit after week one, this
is not even week one. This is the introduction. This
is the fucking introduction. If you want to quit, go ahead,
I won't judge you, but just know we're going to
be doing this all right. Here's some activities that are
good for creative showering, swimming, scrubbing, shaving, steering a car,
so many s's. Yes, all of these are regular repetitive
activities that may tip us over from our logic brain
into our more creative artist's brain. I remember I saw
a speech that Pete Fairley gave a couple of years ago.
Pete Fairley is a genius comedic writer. He wrote Dumb
and Dumber. Him and his brother have made a ton
of really, really, really special comedy films. And he said
anytime he is looking for an idea for a movie,
he goes on a long car ride and he turns
off the radio and he just drives, and he says,
the first thing that I'll come up will be things
to do, like, oh shoot, I have to send this
person a birthday card. Oh shoot, I have to I
have to schedule this meeting, I have to do this,
I have to call my sister, I have to bubb
blah blah. And then after your brain gets through all
of that, that's when it's cleared out. So what he
was saying is essentially like morning pages, so like his
morning pages on his car ride were like the all
the things that he had to get out in the morning,
and then after that he had the freedom to drive
and allow ideas to come to him. Steven Spielberg says
that his very best ideas have come to him this
way too. So at the end of page twenty three,
there's a creative contract. I need you, guys to go
ahead and sign that I signed mine. You can see
that here, mine is signed. Can't see it? What am
I talking about? Okay? Mine is signed. I, Brittany Schmid,
understand that I'm undertaking an intensive guided encounter my own creativity.
I commit myself to the twelve week duration of the course.
I Brittany Schmidt, commit to weekly reading, daily morning pages,
a weekly artist date, and the fulfillment of each week's tasks.
I Brittany Schmidt for their understand that this course will
raise issues and emotions for me to deal with. I
commit myself to excellent self care, adequate sleep, diet, exercise,
and pampering for the duration of the course. Signed Brittany Schmidt.
So you, guys, I am so excited. Next week will
be week one. If you want to read ahead and
we can go over our activities together so we're all
on the same page at the same time. That would
be great. If you guys want to go a week
behind me too, that's fine, whatever you guys want. I'm
proud of you guys for saying I'm proud of you
guys for doing this, and I'm excited to go on
this journey with you. Guys. I love you so much.
I will see you next week, besties. Okay, bye,