WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.080 There was a time not that long ago, when I 2 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:08.199 would have arrived anywhere with Mark by my side, and 3 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:10.839 assumed it on some buried, steady frequency, that the knight 4 00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:14.320 would unfold seamlessly, that people would see us together and nod, 5 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:16.719 even smile, because somewhere along the way we had become 6 00:00:16.719 --> 00:00:19.359 the kind of couple. I carried the confidence into so 7 00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:22.800 many places, crowded basement art shaws, wine splatted loft parties, 8 00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:25.559 even grocery runs that ended with us harmonizing along with 9 00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:28.079 the radio. I never thought about not having it. So 10 00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:30.800 the absence came slowly, quietly at first, and then one 11 00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:34.240 night it landed heavy, all at once. Friday night, our 12 00:00:34.280 --> 00:00:37.799 old haunted the neighborhood Arts Center. I rushed in, cheeks 13 00:00:37.799 --> 00:00:40.000 pink from the cold, pulse still, and even from hustling 14 00:00:40.039 --> 00:00:43.280 down brick sidewalks. Inside the boy buzzed with the kind 15 00:00:43.320 --> 00:00:46.880 of raucous collective anticipation scars being a wound Indy theater 16 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:49.320 takes hugging in groups, a whiff of coffee and cheap 17 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.039 ear Sneaking through the crack of the back curtain, I 18 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:54.719 scanned the crowd for Mark. Habit more than need, he 19 00:00:54.759 --> 00:00:57.560 always claimed first DIBs on the best seats, usually texting 20 00:00:57.560 --> 00:00:59.240 me a running play by play while a gage at 21 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:02.719 the concession stole. But this time the sequence was off. 22 00:01:03.320 --> 00:01:05.719 I was here, seat left empty except for my battered 23 00:01:05.719 --> 00:01:09.200 canvas bag, my fum buzz just as the house lights flickered. 24 00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:11.799 Are not the usual Mark commentary, but running late might 25 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:15.120 not make it huge work thing. Seconds later, a follow up, 26 00:01:15.120 --> 00:01:17.439 don't wait, I'll try to sneak in if I can. 27 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:19.920 I held the phone a little too long, as if 28 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:22.879 it might vibrate again and correct itself. But our group 29 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:26.480 text normally alight with Mark Swisguck's, were strangely silent. I 30 00:01:26.519 --> 00:01:29.079 saw Leelah, familiar and quick, smiling, already in her seat 31 00:01:29.120 --> 00:01:32.000 on the opposite aisle. She spotted me grin gave a 32 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:35.719 little come over at wave, but I hesitated, even though 33 00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:38.280 should be my friend since designs call, even though Mark 34 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:41.000 can have folded her into every Corkie tradition we'd ever made. 35 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:43.159 Something about the way she glanced at the seat beside me, 36 00:01:43.239 --> 00:01:46.480 then quickly away made my heart's stutter. Mark's absence hung 37 00:01:46.519 --> 00:01:49.120 between us like an unclaimed coat. I forced a smile, 38 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:51.480 slid into my seat, and tried to earnestly to imrrorse 39 00:01:51.480 --> 00:01:54.120 myself in the play. This was supposed to be our thing. 40 00:01:54.799 --> 00:01:57.760 He loved theater even more than I did. The improvisational mischief, 41 00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:01.040 the awkward community actors with borrowed costumes and dark tape props. 42 00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:04.239 I remembered with a little sting of nostalgia when he 43 00:02:04.280 --> 00:02:07.120 first insisted we volunteer at ticket tables, flinging open doors 44 00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:09.280 for donors, like we were co hosts of a glittering gala, 45 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:12.280 not a pair of paint splatted missids. The performance churned 46 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:14.599 on one liner, was bouncing off the black walls, but 47 00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:17.520 I couldn't settle. I kept glancing at the empty seat, 48 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:21.919 at the stage lights, at Lilla, who laughed, maybe too brightly, 49 00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:24.479 then glanced away. When our eyes met, the whole night 50 00:02:24.520 --> 00:02:26.840 fell in a way I couldn't articulate to myself, yet 51 00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:29.360 lesser than before, as if something pressed upon our small 52 00:02:29.400 --> 00:02:33.319 shared well from the edges, something fishing quietly just under foot. Afterward, 53 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:35.719 I walked home alone, street light's plain tricks with my shadow. 54 00:02:36.360 --> 00:02:38.400 I passed a new mural half finished on the corner 55 00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:41.080 wall's loppy bright colors, a wild fox leaping through a 56 00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:45.039 tangle of geometric trees. I pause, looking for the little details, 57 00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:47.240 the signature and looping paint paint, the layer of spray 58 00:02:47.319 --> 00:02:49.159 under the brushtrouos, just the kind of thing Mark love 59 00:02:49.240 --> 00:02:52.120 to diasect. Last year we spent a whole night out 60 00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:54.639 in the street with the artists, passing brushes and beers around, 61 00:02:54.719 --> 00:02:57.240 talking about color theory and city politics, on which hydrant 62 00:02:57.240 --> 00:02:59.840 made the best seed. Now the mural looked unfinished in 63 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:02.400 the lamp light. Or maybe I just felt and finish, 64 00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:04.159 aching in the space between what was and what I 65 00:03:04.199 --> 00:03:07.240 feared might never return. On my walk, the memory reel 66 00:03:07.280 --> 00:03:10.319 played times when everything had fit, gallery openings where he 67 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:12.719 knew every bartender, how he'd staged with Sperdrukx just for 68 00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:15.879 me in darkened seats, The quick, confident squeeze of his 69 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:17.960 hand under a table, the sudden spin onto the dance 70 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:20.439 floor at a wedding, grinning as if surprised by happiness. 71 00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:23.280 I remembered all the times we stood shoulder to shoulder 72 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:25.479 at the kitchen Island pain fleck from a day's work, 73 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:28.400 daydreamain about hosting rooft up dinners were starting a tiny 74 00:03:28.520 --> 00:03:31.800 Jim Bookster cafe. It wasn't the past I miss exactly. 75 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:36.439 I missed a certainty, the quiet and thinking comfort. Mark 76 00:03:36.479 --> 00:03:39.919 hadn't always been this distracted. When his consultant gigs started 77 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:41.879 ramping up the late nights, felt like a cork of 78 00:03:41.879 --> 00:03:44.120 the industry took people in their urban legend pro dates. 79 00:03:44.159 --> 00:03:46.960 As he used to say, he tumble home with stories 80 00:03:47.120 --> 00:03:51.439 Ludak's client requests and scrutable acronyms, elaborary powpoindecks nobody would read. 81 00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:54.719 We laughed about it, planned holidays around his travel schedule, 82 00:03:54.759 --> 00:03:58.039 and kept our creative traditions going strong open mics, gallery walks, 83 00:03:58.120 --> 00:04:00.919 film fest pop ups. He always made space for the 84 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:03.199 life rebuilt. He was the one who pushed me to 85 00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:05.639 hand my prince downtown, who handed out my cards behind 86 00:04:05.639 --> 00:04:08.039 my back at every open studio, who told anyone who 87 00:04:08.120 --> 00:04:10.680 listened that his wife was a real artist. Even when 88 00:04:10.680 --> 00:04:12.879 I switched from a full time designed job to freelance 89 00:04:12.919 --> 00:04:15.319 sketch stiff for months afterward, he never made me feel 90 00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:18.319 like I jeopardized us wherein this As a team, he 91 00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:21.319 would say, Steady is a drumbeat. But in the last 92 00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:24.879 couple months, little things slipped. He started counseling on dinners, 93 00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:26.600 showing up late to the Yark call sign up. We 94 00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:28.720 always made a ritual if he barely remembered it until 95 00:04:28.759 --> 00:04:31.120 I reminded him, and even then he frowned at the calendar, 96 00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:34.360 muttling about meetings nights. He once spence broiled across our 97 00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:36.879 rug marking up sketches with me, got replaced by arrows. 98 00:04:36.920 --> 00:04:38.839 Hunched over his phone in the other room, had funds 99 00:04:38.920 --> 00:04:41.839 in light from the holeway pouring across his profile. I'd 100 00:04:41.879 --> 00:04:44.040 pad out stare at him, trying to read his face, 101 00:04:44.759 --> 00:04:46.600 but he'd just look up distract as the hand half 102 00:04:46.680 --> 00:04:50.399 raised morthing almost done. I tried not to mind I 103 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:52.920 had made big changes to whom my schedule was suddenly elastic, 104 00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:55.240 days mixing in to night's. No one tracking my hours 105 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:59.199 but myself. I buried myself in commissions fort Frielance. Anxiety 106 00:04:59.240 --> 00:05:01.439 was spread chee and cold, and told myself what We've 107 00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:04.800 settled back into routine soon enough. Lea still came by often. 108 00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:06.720 Her own work as an event curator meant she was 109 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:09.800 always popping in with fliers, writing deadlines or some new 110 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:13.120 gallery gossip. She and Mark got along sometimes better than 111 00:05:13.160 --> 00:05:16.360 Mark and I did. When it came to logistics once, 112 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:18.959 after a wine soaked planning meeting, I found them making 113 00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:21.120 each other laugh so hard over an inside jerk that 114 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:24.319 I had to nudge them back on topic. I wasn't jealous. 115 00:05:24.439 --> 00:05:26.800 It made me happy seeing two people all cared about 116 00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:29.639 spark that way. I thought I understood the lines around 117 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:32.879 our world. I trusted the spaces between us. I thought 118 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:35.279 I could read them. After the play, I cut through 119 00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:38.439 the choir sodium lethali behind our building. My mind took 120 00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:42.600 through the night again and again, Mark's text, Leelah's glance, 121 00:05:43.279 --> 00:05:45.560 the hum of distance behind his words. That morning, as 122 00:05:45.560 --> 00:05:48.920 he'd left, barely kissing me goodbye before he disappeared, messenger 123 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:52.279 backs slung over his shoulder, steps clipped At home, The 124 00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:55.120 apartment was warm but empty. I hum my coat, set 125 00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:56.800 my back by the door, and stared at the wall 126 00:05:56.800 --> 00:05:59.920 of Prince we'd home last fall. Everything looked curated me, 127 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:02.519 meaning for small traces of us in every frame. My 128 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:07.720 phone chime Mark again, Sorry, still at the office. You up? 129 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:11.680 Don't wait up? I typed home now, Hope the meeting 130 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:15.199 was okay, Love you. The reply took a long time. 131 00:06:15.319 --> 00:06:18.959 Love you too, Talk tomorrow, I told myself to let 132 00:06:19.000 --> 00:06:21.560 it go, curled up under a scratchy flecked blanket, but 133 00:06:21.600 --> 00:06:24.360 I stayed awake, mind tracing lines on the ceiling. Every 134 00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:27.519 sound in the building suddenly too pronounced. A week blurred 135 00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:30.160 by the stacking up, each less familiar than the one before. 136 00:06:30.879 --> 00:06:33.279 Mark started opting out of more little things, carrying the 137 00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:35.199 air of a man too busy. Ten us skipping our 138 00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:37.600 favorite cafe, saying no to the pop up design show. 139 00:06:37.639 --> 00:06:39.639 We both used to geek out over brushing off, but 140 00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:42.480 club as too much right now. His eyes grew harder 141 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:45.680 to reach. Sometimes I'd say something I thought was hilarious 142 00:06:45.720 --> 00:06:49.240 and he just blinket his phone distracted. That Thursday, tossing 143 00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:51.439 another deadline aside, asked if he wanted to go to 144 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:54.800 the new pop up gallery downtown, fresh talent, friends from 145 00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:58.079 the art call all our people, He hesitated, glancing toward 146 00:06:58.120 --> 00:07:02.079 his laptop. Can't babe, another one of those dinners, he muttered, 147 00:07:02.120 --> 00:07:06.040 already half way through his emails. Last minute, Sorry, rain check, 148 00:07:06.600 --> 00:07:09.680 I bristled, but forced a smile. He sure these people 149 00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:12.319 really need you every night? He didn't even look up. 150 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:15.040 You know how these sorts are never saddle anything by 151 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:18.800 email it'll die down soon, promise. That night, windows rattling 152 00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:20.560 to a distant train. I sat at my desk in 153 00:07:20.600 --> 00:07:22.720 a pool of lamp light, sketched it open, lapped up, 154 00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:26.279 streaming mine as old sitcoms alone. I finished free thumbnails 155 00:07:26.279 --> 00:07:28.759 for an overdee branding job, fiddled with color or erase, 156 00:07:28.839 --> 00:07:31.720 lines were filled my tea cup. It was past midnight 157 00:07:31.759 --> 00:07:33.680 when I heard the apartment door on lock and not 158 00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:37.000 very quiet, sighed Mark let himself in. He moved quickly 159 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:38.720 through the hallway, pausing just at the edge of the 160 00:07:38.759 --> 00:07:41.639 kitchen shadow. I caught the outline of him in the doorway, 161 00:07:41.800 --> 00:07:45.279 coat rumpled, hair massed. He seemed strangely, almost startled to 162 00:07:45.319 --> 00:07:49.160 see me awake, not guilty, not exactly, just as if 163 00:07:49.160 --> 00:07:52.560 he'd brace for empty space and found a Bardian's dead. Hey, 164 00:07:52.720 --> 00:07:57.040 he said, shaking off his coat. Couldn't sleep. I shrugged, 165 00:07:57.079 --> 00:07:59.920 not wanting to sound needy. Late night for both of us. 166 00:08:00.079 --> 00:08:03.720 I guess how is dinner? He hesitated, rummaging for a glass. 167 00:08:04.439 --> 00:08:07.480 You know, the usual pitchet, small talk, boring client staff, 168 00:08:07.639 --> 00:08:11.079 nothing exciting. He poured water, eyes fixed on the faucet stream. 169 00:08:11.600 --> 00:08:13.759 I watched him, tried to plumb the space between nothing 170 00:08:13.759 --> 00:08:16.199 exciting and his keyed up energy, his glances that skittered 171 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:19.240 away from mine. Eventually, he padded to bed without asking 172 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:21.800 about my night, falling asleep with his back turn the 173 00:08:21.839 --> 00:08:24.560 wall clock taking loud above our heads. The next day 174 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:27.040 at I work from the kitchen, headphones in chasing after 175 00:08:27.079 --> 00:08:29.279 one of those rare creative flows that made hours disappear. 176 00:08:29.879 --> 00:08:31.839 When I went to tidy up around lunch time, I 177 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:34.519 tripped a remarks old leather messenger, back half sipped and 178 00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:37.000 splayed in front of the bench. I bent to pick 179 00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:39.039 it up, intending only to move it aside, but an 180 00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:41.960 envelope tumbled out, glossy and safe, an invitation drenched in 181 00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:45.240 deep burgundy faunster, an exclusive gallery galer by invitation only. 182 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:48.679 The date leaped out two nights ago. The corners curled, 183 00:08:49.279 --> 00:08:51.919 a red wine stain bloomed across the golden boss ladders 184 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:55.759 marketed stuffy artgalers always called them carpet at Eagle shows. 185 00:08:56.399 --> 00:08:59.120 And yet not only had he attended, he hadn't mentioned 186 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:02.440 a were. That night, he texted from some Madantown bistro, 187 00:09:02.559 --> 00:09:05.799 crilling clients over needles. I pressed my thumb into the paper, 188 00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:09.559 releasing a faint perfume of something expensive. I chided myself 189 00:09:09.559 --> 00:09:11.600 for snooping and put it back, careful not to re 190 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.720 arrange anything. The doubt, though, refused to settle. Maybe he'd 191 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:17.879 gone at the last minute, didn't want to admit it, 192 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:21.480 didn't think it mattered. Freelancers like me craved too much routine. 193 00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:24.240 Maybe people in tech live them, or everyone knew that. 194 00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:28.120 Still a pressure built in my chest. I told myself, 195 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:32.080 don't spiral. He deserves his own life to I repeated 196 00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:35.320 it throughout the day, distracting myself with deadlines, with errands, 197 00:09:35.480 --> 00:09:39.080 with endless crouling. But the question didn't quite leave Ei. 198 00:09:39.120 --> 00:09:41.519 The week end, our routines, the small binding habits that 199 00:09:41.559 --> 00:09:44.519 had knit our partnership were thinning. At the scenes, Marv 200 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:46.919 missed the street ark coal registration for the first time 201 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:50.200 since we moved into ALOFT. I reminded him, teasing and 202 00:09:50.240 --> 00:09:53.919 watched confusions spread across his face. Shit, he said, thumbing 203 00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:56.159 through his planner. I can't. I have to be in 204 00:09:56.240 --> 00:09:58.639 Boston for work that week. Just crept up, Sorry, Dee. 205 00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:01.720 I waited for the usual remorse, the offer to reschedule. 206 00:10:02.200 --> 00:10:04.840 He just cleared his throat. I'll make it up to you. 207 00:10:04.919 --> 00:10:07.240 But honestly, it's chaos. Lately. We could just do our 208 00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:10.159 own paint walk just us that better. It should have 209 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:13.120 been enough, But as he spoke, my mind snagged on 210 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:16.000 one tiny gap where in Boston. I thought your clients 211 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:20.919 were all local? He hesitated. It's complicated, some investor thing. Honestly, 212 00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:23.559 I haven't nailed down the details. Early morning's, late night 213 00:10:23.600 --> 00:10:26.399 all a blur. He picked at a hang nail, face shuddered. 214 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:29.919 The silence that followed felt jagged. I felled it with 215 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:34.519 busy work, making coffee, rearranging print orders, submitting edits, but 216 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:37.360 the distance between us was no longer Fuzzyate at sharp teeth. 217 00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.759 The next night, I tried to reclaim normalcy. I made 218 00:10:40.799 --> 00:10:43.679 his favorite garlic pasta, earthy mushrooms. The wine we saved 219 00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:48.720 for small celebrations. The kitchen simmered with hopeful rituals, old playlists, laughter, unkieu, 220 00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:52.480 but Mark barely touched his plate. His phone flickered with 221 00:10:52.559 --> 00:10:56.840 relentless notifications. Every forkful was a distraction, every vibrate a 222 00:10:56.919 --> 00:11:01.159 short sigh. I'm here, he said, catching my look. Just 223 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:05.159 he gestured at his phone. It won't let up. I 224 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:08.120 wanted to scream, but I only managed, when's it going to? 225 00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:11.440 He didn't answer. I let him go early to bed, 226 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:14.879 plate still half full, sauce congealing in the pan alone. 227 00:11:14.919 --> 00:11:17.480 As crolled through our calendar, clicking on events we once 228 00:11:17.519 --> 00:11:20.879 marked as do not miss, they become optional, skipped someone 229 00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:24.799 else's stories. A Sunday, I was brittle, couldn't shake the 230 00:11:24.840 --> 00:11:27.159 sense that only half my sentences landed, that I was 231 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:30.519 holding my breath even in my own home. Mark mumbled apologies, 232 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:32.639 But in some ways his irritability was more honest than 233 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:35.360 his reassurances. Why are we talking about this again? He 234 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:37.519 snapped once when I brought up a dinner with his 235 00:11:37.559 --> 00:11:40.759 clients that ran three hours late. It work, Dana, not 236 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:44.879 a conspiracy. I let it drop, but the fracture remained. 237 00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:48.039 A few days later, sunlight streaming through the kitchen, I 238 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:50.200 decided to escape for a while and run errands at 239 00:11:50.200 --> 00:11:53.000 the art supply. Shot down the block. The sweet, chalky 240 00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:56.000 air and luby classical music steadied me. As I grazed 241 00:11:56.000 --> 00:11:58.720 the paint towels, I nearly bumped into Leela. Both of 242 00:11:58.799 --> 00:12:01.200 us startled enough to laugh. She looked just as she 243 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:04.360 always did. Vintage jacket eyes ringed with coal, finger smudged 244 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:07.600 with pastel. That made her nervous flutter all the more obvious. 245 00:12:07.639 --> 00:12:10.159 She adjusted her bag's strap, glancing toward the window as 246 00:12:10.159 --> 00:12:13.279 if timing herself for an exit. So she asked, are 247 00:12:13.279 --> 00:12:15.360 you prepping for the commissions? You landed at Kraal still 248 00:12:15.399 --> 00:12:18.759 killing it? I bet, I smiled, grateful for a familiar cadence. 249 00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:22.279 You're trying anyway. Mark keeps promising he'll let me redesign 250 00:12:22.279 --> 00:12:25.919 his consulting site. But yo, when I rolled my eyes, gentle, 251 00:12:26.840 --> 00:12:29.159 he's glad to client meetings these days. You two haven't 252 00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:31.960 caught up in a while, right, she blinked, voice lighted 253 00:12:31.960 --> 00:12:35.120 than usual. Yea, every one's in motion, running on fumes. 254 00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:38.200 Then too quickly you hear about that mural funning grand 255 00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:40.399 there's talk of rerouting it. I want to make sure 256 00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:44.600 you're in Let's get Martinez soon, just us. The subject changed, Leelah, 257 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:48.159 moving briskly toward the paper section, something about the exchange. Duck. 258 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:50.720 I'll let her go, weighing the friction in her voice, 259 00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:53.519 the slight recall at Mark's name, hurry to change subjects. 260 00:12:53.960 --> 00:12:56.960 It wasn't her usual vibe, but I told myself. It's distress. 261 00:12:57.600 --> 00:13:00.279 Every one's busy, or maybe I was the one meeting 262 00:13:00.320 --> 00:13:03.519 into everything primed for clues. Our group dinner came later 263 00:13:03.639 --> 00:13:06.159 that week, friends from our out crawl, the usual constellation 264 00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:09.240 of faces. Mark texted that he be late, then arrived 265 00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:12.360 to twenty minutes after the rest of us, wind blunt, apologetic. 266 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:16.080 Leelah was already seated, laughing with Andrew from the writer's group. 267 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:19.480 I figured they'd reconnect, but Mark barely glanced her way, 268 00:13:19.639 --> 00:13:21.679 instead choosing a seat wedged on the far side of 269 00:13:21.720 --> 00:13:24.879 the table. Anyone else wouldn't have registered it, except I knew. 270 00:13:24.960 --> 00:13:27.679 He was always the social glue, bridging notes between Leelah 271 00:13:27.720 --> 00:13:32.519 and me, making introductions, filling conversation caps. Now both avoided 272 00:13:32.519 --> 00:13:34.960 each other's eyes, trading only a quick Jude smile. Hey, 273 00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:39.519 I watched, trying to read the new choreography, the offbeat gestures. Later, 274 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:42.000 as conversation drifted, Mark's phone buzz on the table, He 275 00:13:42.039 --> 00:13:45.519 flipped it face down. Walking home. I brought it up casual. 276 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:49.000 You and Leelah seemed rudely out of sync. Tonight, Mark 277 00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:52.559 shrugged too fast, Ben ages everyone's falling out of rhythm, 278 00:13:52.639 --> 00:13:55.000 Ye know how it is ye too, always laugh at 279 00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:57.960 my expense. I tease, trying to lighten the mood. He 280 00:13:58.039 --> 00:14:02.039 forced to chuckle. Maybe matured finally not everything's a bit 281 00:14:02.120 --> 00:14:05.360 de When we let ourselves into the apartment, Mark turned 282 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:09.320 in early, claiming exhaustion, shoulder slumped. I stayed up, scrolling 283 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.360 through old foroto was the three of us making faces 284 00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:13.320 at and opened my glass summer Mark with his arm 285 00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:15.840 lislie around both of us lelaphanning a grin full of 286 00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:20.240 fake indignation. Had that really been so effortless? Later, tidying up, 287 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:23.000 I paused at the kitchen counter, bills and receipts scattered 288 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:26.360 from my quarterly freelance taxes. Sorting through the mess, I 289 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.840 glanced at too recent dinner receipts from the spruce a 290 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:31.679 bar witteraryum molls that Mark's sale was too cool for us. 291 00:14:32.200 --> 00:14:34.679 Both board the same date three weeks ago, two tabs, 292 00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:39.120 one time stamp, both signed in mark sleeping script table 293 00:14:39.159 --> 00:14:43.000 for two dinner Cartel's dessert. That night, he texted he 294 00:14:43.039 --> 00:14:45.879 was grabbing solo rawmen. After the meeting, I tested my 295 00:14:45.919 --> 00:14:48.279 own memory, wondering if I had mistaken the date, but 296 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:49.879 it was clear he'd been there with some one and 297 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:53.759 not apparently eating alone. I tried to swallow my irritation. 298 00:14:54.360 --> 00:14:56.600 When Mark got home, I slid a single question into 299 00:14:56.600 --> 00:15:00.000 our winding post dinner conversation. Did you end up tranks 300 00:15:00.039 --> 00:15:01.879 rouse that night? You ran so late? Was it worth 301 00:15:01.879 --> 00:15:06.000 the hype? He made a face, laughing, I probably did. God, 302 00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:08.159 I barely remember. It was just one of those long 303 00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:10.120 dune nights with a colleague. I'm so burned out. I 304 00:15:10.120 --> 00:15:13.000 don't taste anything any more. He grinned, then, as if 305 00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:15.759 to sell the point should have brought you next time. Okay, 306 00:15:16.440 --> 00:15:20.360 I nodded, but the hollow rung louder. His laughter was edged, dodging, 307 00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:23.600 not quite reaching his eyes. By then, the distance had 308 00:15:23.639 --> 00:15:26.480 become visceral. We used to unwind at night, each sharing 309 00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:29.200 small victories or defeats, long after our plates were empty, 310 00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:32.639 talking until the conversation wandered off to sleep. Now he 311 00:15:32.720 --> 00:15:35.840 mostly scrolled through about slack threads, eyelids heavy, distracted to 312 00:15:35.879 --> 00:15:39.279 the bone. Our bed felt large, blank spaces opening up. 313 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:42.000 Markol near the far edge, sheets between us, a warbly border. 314 00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:44.679 On two occasions I reached for him in the dark, 315 00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:48.360 hand tracing a hopeful gesture along his back. He flinched once, 316 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.000 then pretended to snore. I let my hand ho her 317 00:15:51.000 --> 00:15:52.960 in the cool air before tacking it beneath my pillar. 318 00:15:53.639 --> 00:15:57.399 I grew anxious, not just suspicious, but tethered, as if 319 00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:00.000 the coordinates of our whole life, the shared trivia reatured 320 00:16:00.039 --> 00:16:03.080 Juls jokes had been russ. I took to walking long 321 00:16:03.159 --> 00:16:05.840 routes through the city, headphones in, just to exhaust my 322 00:16:05.879 --> 00:16:08.399 brain into sleep. It was around then I met with 323 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.519 my sister, her presence a bomb, a recalibration. We found 324 00:16:11.559 --> 00:16:14.440 a window seat at our usual cafe, conversation, meandering through 325 00:16:14.440 --> 00:16:18.240 dead lines and parents without thinking, I let frustrations bill out. 326 00:16:18.799 --> 00:16:20.919 Things feel off lately. I can't put my finger on it, 327 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:24.279 marks just not present. I twisted the napkin into little 328 00:16:24.279 --> 00:16:28.399 paper ribbons. My sister'll listen. Show bad stress can do 329 00:16:28.440 --> 00:16:30.320 a lot. Is he just busy or is he hiding 330 00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:33.120 something that's just that I don't know. I get it 331 00:16:33.159 --> 00:16:34.919 if he was just distant, but it's more than that. 332 00:16:35.000 --> 00:16:36.960 With leader to its like there's this weird charge when 333 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:39.519 they're together, like there avoiding each other. Was it like that? 334 00:16:39.559 --> 00:16:41.639 At the mural Gala, I couldn't go that deadline. Did 335 00:16:41.720 --> 00:16:46.320 you notice she sipped her coffee? Paused funny? Actually they 336 00:16:46.360 --> 00:16:48.399 were both at the after party, came in together. I 337 00:16:48.440 --> 00:16:50.720 think got a little cozy during the group photos. I 338 00:16:50.759 --> 00:16:53.399 thought maybe they just hitched a ride together. Normal stuff 339 00:16:53.440 --> 00:16:56.399 didn't seem weird until now. I tried to mask the 340 00:16:56.399 --> 00:16:59.679 flicker of discomfort in my face. My sister leaned forward, 341 00:16:59.679 --> 00:17:02.600 Gentle but progmatic. You know Mark, He says what's on 342 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:05.119 his mind. Maybe he's unraveling under pressure. But don't let 343 00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:07.240 your mind spin you out for nothing. Just ask him. 344 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:10.480 I promise I would, But my mind kept turning, replaying 345 00:17:10.519 --> 00:17:13.759 every interaction, scanning for codes. Was this about me, my 346 00:17:13.839 --> 00:17:17.119 leap to freelancing? I fear that maybe I'd depended our rhythm, 347 00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:20.559 or was I missing something obvious, something everyone else could see. 348 00:17:21.119 --> 00:17:23.759 Later that week, my freelance taxes came due the kind 349 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:25.720 of mine numbing task I resented enough to do all 350 00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:29.599 at once certain critic cart transactions, A flowed business luntry 351 00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:33.680 seats off a supply sploat is then froze multiple yuper charges, 352 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:36.160 all from late nights, all beginning just north of downtown. 353 00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:39.000 Mark rarely took all the ride, he walked, biked, or 354 00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:43.039 split lift with colleagues. These charges Tuesday, Friday, then another 355 00:17:43.079 --> 00:17:47.119 Wednesday started near Leela's block, same time, stamp midnight, then 356 00:17:47.160 --> 00:17:49.599 nearly one in the morning. My hand shook as I 357 00:17:49.640 --> 00:17:52.640 taed through my own calendar locks. He claimed, happy hour 358 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.000 with the team. Then bike wasn't working. Walking home another night, 359 00:17:56.079 --> 00:17:59.759 too wiped a bike just troofed it. The explanation's vague, confident, 360 00:17:59.839 --> 00:18:04.400 never a detailed Could it be coincidence? Our circle was tight, barroers, 361 00:18:04.440 --> 00:18:07.599 apartments of communal hangouts all blurred together, But each time 362 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:10.319 I tried to rationalize, the brick settled heavier in my chest. 363 00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:13.240 I paced, ignoring the heap of receipts on the table, 364 00:18:13.319 --> 00:18:15.799 then shut my laptop with a snap. The air in 365 00:18:15.839 --> 00:18:18.359 the apartment felt thick, stifling, as if alls filled with 366 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:21.319 our collages and polaroids had started pressing inward, making the 367 00:18:21.319 --> 00:18:24.519 space feel too curated, too heavy with memory. I wanted 368 00:18:24.559 --> 00:18:26.960 to ask Mark directly, but every time he came home, 369 00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:30.000 I stopped short of words. The silence between us had 370 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:33.000 become its own weather. He seemed carved by exhaustion, duck 371 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:35.799 hollows under his eyes, smiled thin as thread. On the 372 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:37.680 nights we ended up in the same room for dinner. 373 00:18:37.720 --> 00:18:41.880 Every sentence felt waited, as if some unspoken price hung overhead. Finally, 374 00:18:41.960 --> 00:18:44.359 after letting my anxiety chair Inet's book and for too long, 375 00:18:44.519 --> 00:18:47.640 I decided to try gentleness and olive branch, not an inquisition. 376 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:50.440 I brought up the Mistock Kral couch and half jokes. 377 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:53.279 We're getting rusty, babe, remember when we used to be 378 00:18:53.359 --> 00:18:56.920 chronic overjoiners. I notched his foot under the table with mine. 379 00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:00.319 Mark's face softened, but only for an instant. I know, 380 00:19:00.519 --> 00:19:03.200 I know, I'm sorry. Life's just bigger lately. Clients don't 381 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:05.680 want to reschedule, startups want to pivot every week. My 382 00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:07.839 inbox is abyssal. I know I'm not showing up. He 383 00:19:07.920 --> 00:19:09.920 went so long the gallery night. I feel guilty about 384 00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:11.759 missing that too. I just I don't know how to 385 00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:14.279 keep up with it all. I reached over, covering his 386 00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:16.920 hand with mine. You don't need to be everything, you know, 387 00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:20.519 I'm fine. Just let me in sometimes. He squeezed back, gazed, 388 00:19:20.559 --> 00:19:23.680 finally meeting mine. I promise after this month, I'll be 389 00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:25.680 less of a ghost. I just need you to trust me. 390 00:19:25.799 --> 00:19:29.000 I barely even trust myself. Right now, the words landed 391 00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:31.880 half right. I want of relief, and so I let 392 00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:34.039 them soothe me, let myself believe this was just a 393 00:19:34.039 --> 00:19:36.799 pocket of stress, a patch that would mend itself. Mark 394 00:19:36.920 --> 00:19:39.400 was soft before a few days. He surprised me on 395 00:19:39.440 --> 00:19:42.039 a cloudy Sunday, slipping into my pop up show with flowers, 396 00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:44.480 whisking me into a swirl of our old routines, holding 397 00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:47.759 court with our friends, smiling in all his practiced, affable warm. 398 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:50.680 He drank too much wine, told stories, made the runs 399 00:19:50.680 --> 00:19:53.240 like he was the host. For a few hours, I 400 00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:56.279 forgot everything, the absence, the tension, the list of receipts 401 00:19:56.279 --> 00:20:00.160