WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:05.040 Section one of This Giddy Globe. This is a LibriVox recording. 2 00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:08.640 All librivoks recordings are in the public domain. For more 3 00:00:08.679 --> 00:00:14.000 information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox dot org. Read 4 00:00:14.480 --> 00:00:19.320 by S. Kue Veelt This Giddy Globe by Oliver Herfort. 5 00:00:21.399 --> 00:00:30.440 Why is the Globe? Chapter one? The creation? Six busy 6 00:00:30.519 --> 00:00:32.640 days it took in all to make a world and 7 00:00:32.759 --> 00:00:37.079 plan its fall. The seventh some one said, twas good 8 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:41.119 and rested. Should you think he could, knowing what the 9 00:00:41.159 --> 00:00:44.320 result would be, there would have been no rest for me. 10 00:00:45.759 --> 00:00:50.719 Claire Beecher Kumer. It takes much longer to write a 11 00:00:50.759 --> 00:00:54.280 geography than, according to Moses, it took to create the world, 12 00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:57.119 which it is the geographer's business to describe. And since 13 00:00:57.159 --> 00:00:59.799 the critic has been added to the list of created beings, 14 00:01:00.119 --> 00:01:02.200 it is no longer the fashion for the author to 15 00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:06.680 pass judgment on his own work. Let us imagine, however, 16 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:10.120 that concealed in the cargo of hypothetic nebula destined for 17 00:01:10.120 --> 00:01:13.719 the construction of the terrestrial globe was a protoplasmic stowaway 18 00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:15.640 that sprang to being in the shape of a critic, 19 00:01:16.040 --> 00:01:19.079 just as the work of creation was finished, would it 20 00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:22.480 not be interesting to speculate upon that critic's reception of 21 00:01:22.519 --> 00:01:26.159 the freshly made worlds. We may be sure that he 22 00:01:26.200 --> 00:01:30.000 would have found many things not to his liking, technical defects, 23 00:01:30.040 --> 00:01:32.719 such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green 24 00:01:32.799 --> 00:01:35.680 instead of the proper purple, The tinting of the sky, 25 00:01:36.040 --> 00:01:38.519 which any landscape painter will tell you would be more 26 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:42.560 decorative done in turquoise green than cobalt blue. Like the 27 00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:46.879 foolish butterfly in the Talmud who to impress missus, butterfly 28 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:50.159 stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's temple, 29 00:01:50.680 --> 00:01:54.040 our critic might have declared the world too flimsy in construction. 30 00:01:54.680 --> 00:01:57.359 He would certainly have found fault with the solar system 31 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:00.359 and the plumbing, the absence of heat and winds when 32 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:02.439 there is the greater need of it, and the paucity 33 00:02:02.439 --> 00:02:04.799 of moisture in the desert places where it never rains. 34 00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:08.520 The comicality of the Ape family might have provoked a 35 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:11.280 reluctant smile, but much more likely a lecture on the 36 00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:15.039 impropriety of descending to caricature, and a serious work at best, 37 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:17.599 our critic would have pronounced the freshly made world, the 38 00:02:17.639 --> 00:02:21.120 work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he showed promise 39 00:02:21.240 --> 00:02:24.039 and might go far. And if he wished to be 40 00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:27.360 very impressive, indeed, he would pretend that he had penetrated 41 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:30.280 the veil of anonymity, and hint darkly that he detected 42 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:35.479 evident traces of a feminine touch. In that, however, our 43 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:38.520 critic would only have been anticipating, for there is not, 44 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:41.439 at this very moment on the press a suffrage edition 45 00:02:41.800 --> 00:02:45.400 for women only of the Rubaiyat, in which one verse 46 00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:49.719 is amended to read thus the ball no question makes 47 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:53.080 of is or noes, but righter left as strikes, the 48 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:56.759 player goes, And she who tossed it down into the field, 49 00:02:57.159 --> 00:03:04.639 she knows about it. All she knows. She knows. Preface 50 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:11.000 strictly private for the reader only. Dear reader, this is 51 00:03:11.039 --> 00:03:14.199 for you, and you only. We have concealed it between 52 00:03:14.280 --> 00:03:16.120 chapters one and two, so that it will not meet 53 00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:19.400 any eye but yours. We have a confession to make. 54 00:03:19.879 --> 00:03:23.479 It would be useless to attempt concealment. We have the 55 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:27.520 digression habit. We have tried every known remedy, but we 56 00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:32.159 feel it is incurable. All we ask, gentle reader is 57 00:03:32.199 --> 00:03:34.879 that when we stray too far, you will favor us 58 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:43.360 with a gentle reminder. Chapter two A long jump. It 59 00:03:43.439 --> 00:03:46.080 is a long jump from Moses, the author of the 60 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:50.919 first work on geography, to Peter Simple. When the acrobatic 61 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:53.199 reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the 62 00:03:53.199 --> 00:04:07.319 fearsome list of geographers he has skipped Stravo, an Aximander, Hekataius, Eudoxus, Euphorus, Ducaerchus, Erasthenes, Polybius, Posidonius, 63 00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:10.840 and Charles F. King, he may well be thankful to 64 00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:14.800 find he has fallen upon his feet. A geographer's task 65 00:04:15.319 --> 00:04:19.399 is endless. The planet he endeavors to portray is perpetually 66 00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:23.399 changing its appearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it 67 00:04:23.480 --> 00:04:25.920 is no nearer completion than it was in the beginning. 68 00:04:26.759 --> 00:04:29.639 The sea, with its white teeth, bites the edges of 69 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:32.399 the continents into new shapes, as a child bites the 70 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:35.720 edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file away, the mountains 71 00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:39.680 into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean, busy insects are 72 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:42.959 building the foundations of new continents, and under the earth, 73 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:46.000 fiery demons are ready. At all times to burst forth 74 00:04:46.040 --> 00:04:49.920 and help to destroy the old ones. It really begins 75 00:04:49.959 --> 00:04:52.439 to look as if this planet would never be finished. 76 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:57.160 In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us 77 00:04:57.199 --> 00:04:59.720 there were only two people in the world today. We 78 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:02.519 are preparing to put up the standing room. Only notice 79 00:05:03.079 --> 00:05:06.360 in another thousand years, for all we know, the Earth 80 00:05:06.399 --> 00:05:08.839 may be going around, dark and tenantless and bearing the 81 00:05:08.879 --> 00:05:12.360 sign to let What does it matter to us? What 82 00:05:12.519 --> 00:05:15.360 are we but microscopic weavils in the moldy crust of 83 00:05:15.399 --> 00:05:19.800 the earth sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof 84 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:29.120 chapter three the giddy globe. Men of science, who delight 85 00:05:29.160 --> 00:05:31.800 in applying harsh terms to things that cannot talk back, 86 00:05:32.279 --> 00:05:36.680 have called this giddy globe an oblate spheroid. Francis Bacon 87 00:05:36.759 --> 00:05:41.399 called it a bubble, Shakespeare an oyster, Rossetti a midge, 88 00:05:41.639 --> 00:05:44.720 and W. S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a ball. 89 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:51.240 Roll on, thou ball, roll on through pathless realms of space. 90 00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.959 Roll on, what though I'm in a sorry case, What 91 00:05:56.120 --> 00:05:59.040 though I cannot meet my bills, What though I suffer 92 00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:04.959 toothake's ill, What though I swallow countless pills? Never you mind? 93 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:11.600 Roll on it rolls on. But these people belong to 94 00:06:11.639 --> 00:06:15.399 a privileged class that is encouraged, even paid, to distort 95 00:06:15.399 --> 00:06:18.079 the language, and they must not be taken too literally. 96 00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:23.319 The giddy globe is really quite large, not to say obese. 97 00:06:23.720 --> 00:06:27.519 Her waist measurement is no less than twenty five thousand miles. 98 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:30.519 In the hope of reducing it, the Earth takes unceasing 99 00:06:30.600 --> 00:06:33.879 and violent exercise. But though she spins round on one 100 00:06:33.959 --> 00:06:35.800 toe at the rate of one thousand miles an hour 101 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:38.240 every day, and round the sun once a year, she 102 00:06:38.360 --> 00:06:41.000 does not succeed in taking off a single mile or 103 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:45.879 keeping even comfortably warm all over. No wonder the globe 104 00:06:45.959 --> 00:06:54.839 is giddy. Questions explain the nebular hypothesis, state briefly the 105 00:06:54.879 --> 00:06:59.160 electromagnetical constituents of the auroraboialis, and explain their relation to 106 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:03.680 the Hertzian wave. Define the difference between the Hertzian wave 107 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:12.319 and the Marcel wave. Chapter four The use of the globe. 108 00:07:12.879 --> 00:07:16.959 What is the Earth? For nobody knows. Some say the 109 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:19.439 earth was made to supply the wants of man. But 110 00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:22.040 as man is part and parcel of the Earth herself, 111 00:07:22.360 --> 00:07:25.399 dust of her dust, mold of her mold, it does 112 00:07:25.439 --> 00:07:31.759 not answer the question. Photo the friendly cow from an 113 00:07:31.759 --> 00:07:35.240 instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker. Owing to the high 114 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:37.480 price of living, the cow was partially eaten by the 115 00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:42.480 author before the photograph could be taken. To be sure, 116 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:46.199 the earth produces the tobacco plant and many other things 117 00:07:46.199 --> 00:07:49.040 that we classify among the needs of man, including the 118 00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:54.360 friendly cow. She walks among the flowers sweet and choose, 119 00:07:54.399 --> 00:07:58.600 and choose and choose, and turns them into friendly meat 120 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:05.000 and pleasant boots and shoes. But the friendly cow may, 121 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:08.560 in her secret heart, regard the classification as anything but friendly. 122 00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:11.600 For all we know, in the hidden scheme of creation, 123 00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:14.879 the cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution 124 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:18.879 in the perfect being, and man to reverse Darwin descending 125 00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:22.800 through the ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment, 126 00:08:23.879 --> 00:08:27.240 and the tobacco plant. In the course of time, there 127 00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:31.680 may be no tobacco plant. Should the American people be 128 00:08:31.720 --> 00:08:34.720 again tempted to wage a world war for freedom, they 129 00:08:34.759 --> 00:08:37.759 may find on their return that the tobacco plants have 130 00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:42.120 gone to join the grapevines of California. Our only hope 131 00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:45.279 will then be that smoking is permitted in head. The 132 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:54.279 author is digressing the reader questions, what is friendship? Why 133 00:08:54.360 --> 00:09:01.360 is the cow friendly? Is the oyster friendly? When prohibition 134 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:04.600 is applied to tobacco, will cigars containing less than one 135 00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:11.840 half of one percent tobacco be permitted? Chapter five The equator. 136 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:17.360 The Earth is self centered, poised on an imaginary toe, 137 00:09:17.759 --> 00:09:20.600 shapirouettes round her self center at the rate of over 138 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:24.840 a thousand miles an hour. We say imaginary toe because 139 00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:27.320 the Earth, owing to the enormous size of her waist, 140 00:09:27.679 --> 00:09:30.519 has never been able to see it to any one 141 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:33.559 with a waste measurement of twenty five thousand miles, The 142 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:38.240 very existence of toes is purely problematical. To wear an 143 00:09:38.279 --> 00:09:42.200 actual belt round a waste of such dimensions would be impossible, 144 00:09:42.360 --> 00:09:46.159 even if it could be of any use. Instead, therefore, 145 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:49.399 the Earth wears round her middle an imaginary line called 146 00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:54.039 the equator. To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence, 147 00:09:54.279 --> 00:09:57.440 we have depicted the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which, 148 00:09:57.480 --> 00:10:00.240 without in any way hampering her movements, complies with the 149 00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:06.360 strict regulations pertaining to feminine attire. Being self centered, the 150 00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:11.120 Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of self esteem. Other 151 00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:14.519 spheres of equal or greater importance, are referred to as 152 00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:18.320 luminaries and supposed to exist chiefly for the purpose of 153 00:10:18.360 --> 00:10:22.960 furnishing light when the Sun and Moon are otherwise engaged. Oh, 154 00:10:23.000 --> 00:10:26.600 would some power the gifty give her to see as 155 00:10:26.679 --> 00:10:33.480 other planets see her? Questions? Can an imaginary line be 156 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:37.679 said to exist? If not, why does it need an 157 00:10:37.679 --> 00:10:46.879 excuse for existence? Chapter six, The Earth's crust. Matter of fact, 158 00:10:46.879 --> 00:10:49.320 geologists speak of the Earth's crust as if there were 159 00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:53.879 only one crust. Thoughtful people like ourselves, who can read 160 00:10:53.919 --> 00:10:57.679 between imaginary lines, know that there are, as in a pie, 161 00:10:57.919 --> 00:11:02.519 two crusts, the upper crust and the undercrust. The upper 162 00:11:02.600 --> 00:11:05.399 crust is pleasantly situated on the top, and is rich 163 00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:09.360 and agreeable and much sought after. The undercrust is soggy 164 00:11:09.360 --> 00:11:12.639 and disagreeable. The only apparent reason for its existence is 165 00:11:12.679 --> 00:11:16.240 to hold up the upper crust. But, to quote the 166 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:20.919 eminent nonsensologist Gellet Burgess, the upper crust is light as 167 00:11:20.919 --> 00:11:24.320 snow and gay with sugar rime. The under crust must 168 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:29.720 stay below. It has a horrid time when, in the 169 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:32.320 course of time the upper crust becomes too rich and 170 00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:35.440 heavy for the popular taste. The social pie flops over, 171 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:39.159 and the undercrust becomes the upper crust. These periodic flip 172 00:11:39.159 --> 00:11:43.240 flops of the social pie are called revolutions. You would 173 00:11:43.320 --> 00:11:45.960 think that a revolving pie would be a disturbing thing 174 00:11:45.960 --> 00:11:48.360 to have in one system, but the Giddy Globe doesn't 175 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:51.559 seem to mind it in the least. Balanced on an 176 00:11:51.559 --> 00:11:54.639 imaginary tow, she continues to pirouett at the rate of 177 00:11:54.639 --> 00:11:57.159 one thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were 178 00:11:57.159 --> 00:12:01.519 the matter. The latest specimen of acrid pastry is after 179 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:06.159 a Russian recipe. The Bolshevik pie has no upper crust 180 00:12:06.159 --> 00:12:08.320 at all, and is declared by the leading chefs of 181 00:12:08.360 --> 00:12:11.200 Europe to be unfit for human consumption. But the proof 182 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:13.360 of the pie is in the eating. How would you 183 00:12:13.480 --> 00:12:16.159 like to try just to take it away? Or we 184 00:12:16.200 --> 00:12:22.200 won't read another word the reader, Oh, very well, we 185 00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:26.279 never did care much for pie anyway, not even for breakfast. 186 00:12:30.679 --> 00:12:36.200 Chapter seven the temperature of the globe, In spite of 187 00:12:36.279 --> 00:12:40.480 incessant and violent exercise, The giddy Globe, as we have 188 00:12:40.559 --> 00:12:44.080 remarked before, is unable to keep comfortably warm all over. 189 00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:48.480 Her temperature varies from intense cold at her upper and 190 00:12:48.559 --> 00:12:51.200 lower extremities to fever heat in the region of her 191 00:12:51.240 --> 00:12:56.720 equatorial diaphragm. Ancient geographers indicated these variations of temperature by 192 00:12:56.759 --> 00:13:00.480 means of zones. The term zone is derived from the 193 00:13:00.519 --> 00:13:04.600 Greek word zny. A belt or girdle, and a girdle 194 00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:07.240 in the days of the first geography book, was the principle, 195 00:13:07.639 --> 00:13:12.639 if not the only garment of a well dressed person. Today, however, 196 00:13:12.960 --> 00:13:15.879 the girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume. 197 00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:19.360 No modern costumer would count it in such a model. 198 00:13:19.840 --> 00:13:22.840 It would be too easy to copy and consequently unprofitable. 199 00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:26.559 Even the knee plus ultra of Newcourt or Palm Beach 200 00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:29.759 society would hesitate to post for the Sunday Supplement photographer. 201 00:13:29.759 --> 00:13:34.120 In a one piece bathing girdle. You might explore the 202 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:36.759 world of dress from the land of the Midnight Volleys 203 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:39.639 to the uttermost parts of Greenwich Village and find nothing 204 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:43.600 exactly like it. It is on its way, to be sure, 205 00:13:44.120 --> 00:13:47.960 but it will never be fashionable until of the two 206 00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:52.039 extremes of decolote, of ballroom and of bathing beach hear 207 00:13:52.120 --> 00:13:55.080 meet in a bewildering way and mingle all the charms 208 00:13:55.080 --> 00:14:00.559 of each. Why then, in this up to date book, 209 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:03.759 should we depict the giddy globe in an obsolete hoopskirt 210 00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:08.679 of imaginary zones? In striving to answer the question, we 211 00:14:08.759 --> 00:14:13.240 have hit upon a pleasing compromise. At least it is 212 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:17.799 up to date. A and E are the two extremities 213 00:14:17.799 --> 00:14:21.120 of the giddy globe, which are quite bare. They correspond 214 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:25.840 to the frigid zones. C is the corset, which, being 215 00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:30.840 hot and uncomfortable, corresponds to the torrid d is. That 216 00:14:31.000 --> 00:14:34.559 is to say, our pardon us for interrupting, but we 217 00:14:35.080 --> 00:14:38.480 thought this was going to be a geography book. The reader, 218 00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:47.240 Chapter eight, The age of the Globe. Some people are 219 00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:51.240 sensitive about their ages. The gidda Globe has never told us. Hers. 220 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:56.039 Rude men of science, after careful examination, declare she can't 221 00:14:56.039 --> 00:15:00.240 be a day under five billion years old. Theologians of 222 00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:02.919 her tactful and feminine matters set her down as a 223 00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:07.440 shrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers. Real delicacy 224 00:15:07.480 --> 00:15:10.240 of feeling goes with the bulging tomb rather than with 225 00:15:10.320 --> 00:15:13.840 the bulging forehead. Who ever saw a thin bishop or 226 00:15:13.879 --> 00:15:17.559 a fat man of science happy? The man with the 227 00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:20.919 bulging tomb who smiles and smiles and is never glum. 228 00:15:21.559 --> 00:15:24.879 But alas for the man with the bulging brow, if 229 00:15:24.919 --> 00:15:29.799 he wanted to smile, he wouldn't know how. If the 230 00:15:29.879 --> 00:15:33.799 giddy globe asked us to guess her age, we should say, 231 00:15:34.120 --> 00:15:37.919 without a moment's hesitation, whatever it is, you certainly don't 232 00:15:37.960 --> 00:15:42.080 look at. Astronomers may say what they like, a planet 233 00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:44.279 is as old as it looks, especially if it is 234 00:15:44.320 --> 00:15:46.799 a lady planet. And we have seen hours when she 235 00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:49.919 didn't look at June day over sixteen and not having 236 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:53.840 a bulging forehead, we told her so. Astronomers think themselves 237 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:56.519 so wise, But what do they know about the sex 238 00:15:56.519 --> 00:16:00.440 of the planets, with the exception of Mother Earth and 239 00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:05.200 old Soul Phoebus. Nothing. If you asked an astronomer whether 240 00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:08.240 the playad girls were really the daughters of Atlas, or 241 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:11.919 what Jupiter was doing with eight moons if they were moons, 242 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.320 he would think you were trifling with him. But is 243 00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:17.759 it not possible that the old Greek tales were the 244 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:20.519 garbled gossip of an age forgotten science of which we 245 00:16:20.600 --> 00:16:24.200 only have the abc If it is love that makes 246 00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:26.679 the world go round, and who can prove that it 247 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:30.840 isn't what makes the other planets go round? How about 248 00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:35.320 the movements of the heavenly bodies? How about this is 249 00:16:35.360 --> 00:16:38.919 all very interesting? But don't you think perhaps it is 250 00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:43.919 the reader quite right? Quite right? How we do run 251 00:16:43.919 --> 00:16:51.840 on chapter nine, the face of the Globe. There are 252 00:16:51.879 --> 00:16:55.600 no good photographs of the giddy globe. She refuses to sit. 253 00:16:56.919 --> 00:17:00.799 Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flags dy' spheroid 254 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:03.279 who spends her time pirouetting round in a circle with 255 00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:06.920 all her might and main Perhaps it is to avoid 256 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:10.000 the photographer that the Earth spins, and not merely to 257 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:13.680 reduce her girth, as we hinted elsewhere. In these days, 258 00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:17.720 such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious. Where does 259 00:17:17.759 --> 00:17:22.759 she come from? Where is she going? She refuses to answer. 260 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:25.359 She will not even state her business or tell her 261 00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:30.839 real name. For eons, quite a number of eons, this 262 00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:33.839 giddy one has been going round under various male and 263 00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:39.200 female aliases, such as Cosmos, Mother Earth, the World, Missus, Grundy, 264 00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:43.599 the footstool, the terrestrial globe. If you look up her 265 00:17:43.680 --> 00:17:48.640 record you will find the following press notices. The Earths 266 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:57.680 a thief timon of Athens, Earth's bitter Wordsworth, this distracted globe, Hamlet, 267 00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:05.000 This tough world, King Lear, naughty world, Merchant of Venice. 268 00:18:05.400 --> 00:18:10.640 The world is given to lying. Henry the Fourth, The 269 00:18:10.680 --> 00:18:15.720 world is too much with us Wordsworth. The world has 270 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:22.079 grown so bad. Richard the Third, The narrow world. Julius Caesar, 271 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:27.839 The world is not thy friend, Romeo and Juliet. The 272 00:18:27.880 --> 00:18:34.319 world's a bubble Bacon. The world is all a fleeting show. More, 273 00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:41.000 the world was not worthy, Saint Paul. The world's a tragedy. 274 00:18:41.880 --> 00:18:48.720 Horace Walpole, This bleak world. More, the weary weight of 275 00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:55.119 all this unintelligible world. Wordsworth, A world of vile, ill favored, 276 00:18:55.160 --> 00:19:00.839 false merrywives of windsor stale, flat and on profitable seem 277 00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:05.799 to me all the uses of this world Hamlet, this 278 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:11.720 dim spot that men call earth. Milton, the wicked world 279 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:18.599 w s. Gilbert. It is possible that the giddy Globe 280 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:21.480 has read the above clippings, and, realizing that she has 281 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:24.480 been discovered, spins round with all her might to avoid 282 00:19:24.519 --> 00:19:28.640 being photographed for the rogues Gallery of the Universe. Appearances 283 00:19:28.880 --> 00:19:34.000 are certainly against her. When I am moved to contemplate 284 00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:38.400 the rude and unregenerate state of that rampage's reprobate the 285 00:19:38.440 --> 00:19:42.119 world at large. And as I mark its stony fizz 286 00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:45.680 and see it whoop and whirl and whiz, I can 287 00:19:45.720 --> 00:19:53.039 but cry, Oh Lord, why is the world at large? 288 00:19:53.160 --> 00:19:59.240 Chapter ten, Climate and Weather. Climate is a theory, weather 289 00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:02.960 is a condition, or, to make it clearer to the reader, 290 00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:06.480 climate is a hypothesis, and weather is a reductio at absurdum. 291 00:20:07.039 --> 00:20:09.799 This explains why it invariably snows for the first time 292 00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:14.200 in years whenever one goes to California. What is the weather? For? 293 00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:18.960 Everything in nature is designed to contribute to the needs 294 00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:22.400 or pleasures of mankind. From the tree of the forest 295 00:20:22.440 --> 00:20:24.559 we get the wood from which the nutmeg is made, 296 00:20:24.799 --> 00:20:27.160 the wood alcohol for our Scotch high bowl, and the 297 00:20:27.160 --> 00:20:30.680 pulp for our newspaper, which in turn is transmuted to 298 00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:33.319 leather for the soles of our soldier's boots. From the 299 00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:36.279 sands of the sea, we make sugar for sweetening our coffee, 300 00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:39.920 that mysterious beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never 301 00:20:39.960 --> 00:20:44.079 been revealed. From the cotton plant comes the woolen undergarment 302 00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:47.720 and the soldier's blanket. From the lowly cabbage springs, the 303 00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:51.480 Havana perfecto with its gold and crimson band, and from 304 00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:54.920 the simple turnip is distilled the golden Champagne, without which 305 00:20:54.960 --> 00:20:58.799 so many lives will now be empty. Even the humble 306 00:20:58.839 --> 00:21:01.920 straw has its use is to indicate the trend of 307 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:04.640 the air current, and for the stuffing of the life preserver. 308 00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:10.319 What then, is the use of the weather? Supposing you 309 00:21:10.359 --> 00:21:12.440 have made a globe and put some people upon it 310 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:15.240 to live, what would you do to make them feel 311 00:21:15.279 --> 00:21:19.200 at home? You would give them something to talk about. 312 00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:22.519 Just so, the weather was designed to furnish a universal 313 00:21:22.519 --> 00:21:27.200 topic of conversation for man. Without the weather, nine hundred 314 00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:29.880 ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine out of 315 00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:34.039 one million conversations would die in their infancy. In the 316 00:21:34.039 --> 00:21:37.119 first geography book, we learned from Moses how and of 317 00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:40.920 what the weather was made. Since then, nothing has been 318 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:43.440 so much talked about as the weather, and in nothing 319 00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:50.480 has so little advanced been made. Questions is it notoriety 320 00:21:50.519 --> 00:21:54.400 that makes the weather vain? Where does the winter resort 321 00:21:54.519 --> 00:21:59.519 in the summer? And why how many leaders of Champagne 322 00:21:59.559 --> 00:22:01.960 can be extracted from the cube root of one turnip? 323 00:22:03.480 --> 00:22:05.599 What did the weather do to get herself so talked 324 00:22:05.640 --> 00:22:13.480 about Chapter eleven, Land and Water. The terrestrial globe is 325 00:22:13.519 --> 00:22:17.119 pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow, and green. The blue 326 00:22:17.160 --> 00:22:22.599 portion is called water and is inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lobsters, 327 00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:27.759 and turtles, besides delightful schools of fishes and whales. The pink, yellow, 328 00:22:27.799 --> 00:22:30.480 and green portions are called the land and are alive 329 00:22:30.519 --> 00:22:34.559 with human beings and other animals and vegetables. Besides the 330 00:22:34.599 --> 00:22:38.279 animals and vegetables, there are mountains, table lands, rivers, forests, 331 00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:43.079 and lakes. In former times, mountains were used as protective barriers. 332 00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:45.839 Today they serve as monuments to public men for whom 333 00:22:45.880 --> 00:22:49.480 they are named. See Presidential range and country seats for 334 00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:55.359 retired grocers and fishmongers. Photo the Presidential range, showing comparative 335 00:22:55.359 --> 00:23:02.599 height of principal peaks, reading from left to right, Mount Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Cleveland, Roosevelt, Wilson. 336 00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.519 Note at the moment this picture was taken, a war 337 00:23:06.559 --> 00:23:09.839 cloud drifted over the last two peaks. Until the cloud passes, 338 00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:14.240 it will be impossible to ascertain their altitudes. Rivers are 339 00:23:14.279 --> 00:23:17.519 the most curious and interesting form of water, though seldom 340 00:23:17.559 --> 00:23:20.920 as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as congressional speeches, 341 00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:23.359 and have to be curled into the most ludicrous shapes 342 00:23:23.400 --> 00:23:26.039 to get them into the countries where they belong. The 343 00:23:26.079 --> 00:23:28.519 first thing a river does after rising is to betake 344 00:23:28.559 --> 00:23:31.000 itself as fast as it can to the nearest river bed, 345 00:23:31.279 --> 00:23:33.200 in which it remains for the rest of its days. 346 00:23:34.839 --> 00:23:38.279 The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named 347 00:23:38.279 --> 00:23:44.480 after the single breasted suffragette of ancient times questions how 348 00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:48.559 many rivers can get into one river bed? Why is 349 00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:55.240 a congressman? When Noah saw the flood subside, the world 350 00:23:55.279 --> 00:23:58.440 is going dry, he cried, So let us all, without 351 00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:05.720 delay fill up against the day. Chapter twelve, The Discovery 352 00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:09.559 of the World. In the First Geography, we are told 353 00:24:09.559 --> 00:24:11.400 of a young, married couple who were cast into the 354 00:24:11.440 --> 00:24:14.000 world for a pomological error on their part about four 355 00:24:14.039 --> 00:24:17.799 thousand BC. Some seventeen centuries later, the world was lost 356 00:24:17.799 --> 00:24:21.200 sight of in a deluge. It was rediscovered by a 357 00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:24.839 navigator named Noah, who, though barely six hundred years old, 358 00:24:25.119 --> 00:24:29.160 was the commander of a sea going menagerie. Commander Noah, 359 00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:32.279 after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed 360 00:24:32.279 --> 00:24:35.839 from his zoological water wagon upon a precipitous asiatic jag 361 00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:39.440 called Errat on the twenty seventh of February twenty three 362 00:24:39.559 --> 00:24:48.720 hundred BC, Chapter thirteen. The habitable Globe. The term habitable 363 00:24:48.759 --> 00:24:52.200 globe was doubtless invented by some celestial humorists who had 364 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.240 never visited this planet. People live on it, to be sure, 365 00:24:56.400 --> 00:24:58.359 but they have no choice. There is nowhere else to 366 00:24:58.400 --> 00:25:02.119 live the gidea globe. Isn't it about time to drop 367 00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:06.920 this personal simile? The reader? Quite so? Suppose we consider 368 00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:10.240 the globe as an apartment house. We are told it 369 00:25:10.319 --> 00:25:14.839 was finished in six days. No wonder, it is faultily constructed. 370 00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:18.640 The heating apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest 371 00:25:18.680 --> 00:25:23.039 to the radiator are insufferably hot, those farthest away unbearably cold, 372 00:25:23.079 --> 00:25:27.279 and those between too changeable for comfort. The water supply 373 00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:30.960 is unreliable. In some apartments, great numbers perish every year 374 00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:34.440 from thirst. In the cellar there is a munition factory, where, 375 00:25:34.559 --> 00:25:38.440 in defiance of regulations, there are stored high explosives. These 376 00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:40.880 blow up from time to time, causing great damage and 377 00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:44.720 loss of life among the tenants. The janitor is a 378 00:25:44.759 --> 00:25:47.480 disobliging old person who has been there since the house 379 00:25:47.599 --> 00:25:50.960 was started, and holds his job in spite of incessant complaints. 380 00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:54.960 When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls, and when people 381 00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:58.440 want him most to stay, nothing can stop him. His 382 00:25:58.640 --> 00:26:07.599 name is Tempest, Chapter fourteen. The tenants. The first tenants, 383 00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:10.519 as before stated, were a young couple who had been 384 00:26:10.559 --> 00:26:13.519 compelled to leave a more luxurious apartment because children were 385 00:26:13.519 --> 00:26:17.680 not allowed. Though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated. 386 00:26:18.759 --> 00:26:21.200 On the whole, the globe is anything but a model 387 00:26:21.240 --> 00:26:25.200 apartment house. Each family considers it the only respectable one 388 00:26:25.200 --> 00:26:27.720 in the building, and they are constantly squabbling for the 389 00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:31.559 possession of the most desirable rooms. The tenants of the 390 00:26:31.599 --> 00:26:35.640 different stories, originally of one color, have been tanned according 391 00:26:35.640 --> 00:26:38.759 to their proximity to the solar stove. They come in 392 00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:43.880 five shades of fast colors, black, brown, yellow, red, and white, 393 00:26:44.359 --> 00:26:48.160 the white being farthest away from the stove. There are 394 00:26:48.200 --> 00:26:51.480 also some brighter colors which are not guaranteed, varying from 395 00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:54.799 the chromatic discord of the post Impressionist Savage to the 396 00:26:54.839 --> 00:26:59.680 delicate rose pink of the Perfect Lady. This last is 397 00:26:59.720 --> 00:27:02.880 the most delectable of all, but alas it is the 398 00:27:02.920 --> 00:27:12.039 one that bades most quickly. Chapter fifteen, Race. All the 399 00:27:12.079 --> 00:27:14.440 families agreed that the tenants of the globe should be 400 00:27:14.480 --> 00:27:19.160 of one uniform shade. Each family, however, thinks that his 401 00:27:19.200 --> 00:27:21.319