1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,559 Speaker 1: I moved to Bellweather three years ago after my mother passed. 2 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,679 It wasn't a decision so much as inertia. Her house 3 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,759 was paid off, and I didn't have anywhere else to be. 4 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,239 It was one of those towns where people wave when 5 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,839 they drive past, even when they don't know you where 6 00:00:20,879 --> 00:00:24,320 The dinerstaffs still remember your order, even if you've only 7 00:00:24,359 --> 00:00:28,160 been there once. I'd been picking up work where I 8 00:00:28,199 --> 00:00:33,560 could substitute teaching, mostly sometimes weekend shifts at the library 9 00:00:33,799 --> 00:00:38,159 when the high schooler's flake. No One asked many questions. 10 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,039 They liked that I was dependable. I liked that they 11 00:00:42,039 --> 00:00:46,320 didn't pry. There was a quiet stillness to this place, 12 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,280 a hush that settled behind the curtains. Half the houses 13 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,880 were empty, the other half held people who seemed to 14 00:00:54,920 --> 00:01:00,119 have calcified their routines. Church on Sunday, groceries on Wednesday, 15 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,560 yard work until the first frost, and then radio silence 16 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:09,680 until spring. Sometimes I think the town is like a 17 00:01:09,719 --> 00:01:14,159 snow globe someone shook a long time ago. Now all 18 00:01:14,159 --> 00:01:17,239 the glitter had settled, and we were just sitting in 19 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:24,480 the stillness, pretending it was still beautiful. That's what made 20 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:30,079 the painting so strange. They held the town's art competition 21 00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:35,159 in the converted church hall, same place we used for weddings, funerals, 22 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,879 polling days, and bake sails. You could still see the 23 00:01:38,879 --> 00:01:42,159 old crucifix outline on the far wall, faded where the 24 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,120 sun used to hit it before someone painted over it 25 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:50,079 with a coat of beige. I wasn't supposed to be judging. 26 00:01:50,799 --> 00:01:53,760 I filled in because the usual guy came down with shingles, 27 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,040 and someone remembered I taught high school art for one 28 00:01:57,079 --> 00:02:01,200 semester before they cut the budget. They said I had 29 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,280 a good eye, which is a polite way of saying 30 00:02:04,599 --> 00:02:09,719 I'm quiet and not prone to arguing. Most of the 31 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:14,120 entries were what you'd expect, oil landscapes of fields following 32 00:02:14,159 --> 00:02:17,639 a Bob Ross's tutorial, water color portraits of dogs that 33 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,879 all looked like they were melting. A kid submitted a 34 00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:23,560 clay sculpture that collapsed in the box on the way in. 35 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,520 I liked that one best, at least it was honest. 36 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:37,759 Then I noticed the butterfly just hanging there. It hadn't 37 00:02:37,759 --> 00:02:41,319 been there before, Maybe it was snuck in during the 38 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:45,680 bustle of the event. It was dead center, no name 39 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:54,439 or frame just canvas and a butterfly. I've seen photo 40 00:02:54,479 --> 00:03:03,240 realistic paintings before, hyperrealism, surrealism, digital rendering. This wasn't that. 41 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:10,039 It wasn't just real looking. It was real feeling. That's 42 00:03:10,159 --> 00:03:13,280 the only way I can describe it. It looked like 43 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:16,120 it had been pinned there while breathing, and the instant 44 00:03:16,159 --> 00:03:21,759 the brush touched it, it forgot how Its wings were open, 45 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,719 blue so deep it made black look loud. The body 46 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,280 was textured in a way that made you think about 47 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:35,759 words you hadn't used in years, velvet, bone, oil. Nothing 48 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:39,560 behind it, just a blank, white void, like it had 49 00:03:39,599 --> 00:03:42,919 been painted unto the idea of a canvas instead of 50 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:51,520 the thing itself. People started crying, not everyone, but most, 51 00:03:52,479 --> 00:03:57,199 just here and there. People sniffled behind me. A woman 52 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,360 put a hand over her mouth. Even the mayor, the 53 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,319 one who always made a point to say how he 54 00:04:02,639 --> 00:04:06,439 didn't get art, stood with his hat in his hands, nodding. 55 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,759 I stood in front of it for ten, maybe fifteen minutes, 56 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:18,319 trying to see what they saw, but nothing came. I 57 00:04:18,439 --> 00:04:24,519 felt fine. I wasn't moved like the others were. I 58 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:30,879 felt outside it, like I never got the memo. Eventually 59 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,839 I muttered something I think it was incredible work or 60 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,319 nice piece, and drifted back toward the refreshment table to 61 00:04:40,319 --> 00:04:45,959 get some air. That's when I saw Alice. She was 62 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:52,000 standing a few feet from the painting, Pale, maybe seventeen, hoody, 63 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:59,480 with stretched sleeves, scuffed sneakers. She was motionless, eyes locked 64 00:04:59,519 --> 00:05:03,079 onto the b to fly. She looked like she'd forgotten 65 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:07,920 how to blink. I watched her longer than I should have. 66 00:05:09,199 --> 00:05:12,319 At first, I thought she might have fallen asleep standing up. 67 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:18,000 Then I thought she might be crying. She wasn't doing either, 68 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:22,160 just staring with the same expression I'd seen on a 69 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:28,199 man at his wife's funeral. Not grief exactly, but reverence, 70 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:33,360 like something old was ending and she'd finally accepted it. 71 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:40,360 I cleared my throat as I approached, Hey, you're right. 72 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:48,839 For a moment, she stayed silent, blinking slowly. Then she 73 00:05:48,879 --> 00:05:55,959 looked at me, really looked, and said softly. I didn't 74 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,040 know he could feel like this. I thought I missed 75 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:05,680 my chance. Then she turned back to the butterfly, and 76 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,480 I just stood there, not knowing what the hell to say. 77 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:16,319 In the days after the art show, the town felt lighter, 78 00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:20,759 that's the only word I could think of. There was 79 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,560 no energy in the air, as if someone had gone 80 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,759 around in the night and loosened some invisible knot in 81 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:31,879 everyone's chest. People who spent years avoiding each other were 82 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:36,519 suddenly talking again. I saw two brothers, the Wickcomb boys, 83 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,560 hugging in the middle of main Street, like one of 84 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,000 them had come back from war. Missus Halpin brought a 85 00:06:43,079 --> 00:06:45,879 pie to her ex husband's place, and he cried on 86 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:50,000 the porch until she hugged him. The Hendersons, who'd barely 87 00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:53,800 spoken since Christmas, were holding hands at the grocery store, 88 00:06:54,199 --> 00:07:01,879 smiling like teenagers. Everything felt softened. The whole town had 89 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:08,240 been washed in warm water, kindness blooming everywhere, fast and quiet, 90 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:12,480 like the way mold creeps into dry wall, spreading before 91 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:18,920 you notice it's there. But I wasn't feeling any of it. 92 00:07:20,319 --> 00:07:23,399 I kept waiting for whatever hit everyone else to catch 93 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:27,519 up with me, some sense of clarity or relief, or 94 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:32,519 even just a nudge. Instead, it all passed through me 95 00:07:32,839 --> 00:07:37,639 like I was made of glass. Even Jacob was different, 96 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,160 and he's about as stubborn as they come. I stopped 97 00:07:42,199 --> 00:07:45,360 by the garage one afternoon to say ay, and found 98 00:07:45,439 --> 00:07:48,519 him leaning back in a lawn chair outside the bay doors, 99 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,519 eyes closed, smiling at the sky, as if some one 100 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:57,279 was telling him a story only he could hear. Hey, 101 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:04,040 I said, nudging his boot. You're right, He blinked, like 102 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:09,959 I pulled him out of a dream. Never better. He said, 103 00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:15,879 feels good, you know, like something finally broke loose. What 104 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:22,879 did I asked? He just laughed, a small, private laugh 105 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,800 that made me feel like I'd missed the joke. When 106 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,879 I asked him about the painting, he smiled again and 107 00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:38,039 said it was something, wasn't it. He looked past me, 108 00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:42,360 like something across the street was calling him. I turned 109 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:48,559 to look, nothing was there. I walked home feeling hollow. 110 00:08:50,039 --> 00:08:53,559 It wasn't just the painting that bothered me. Now, it 111 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:58,960 was me. Why hadn't I reacted like everyone else? What 112 00:08:59,159 --> 00:09:01,159 was wrong with me? I could look at that thing, 113 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:05,840 a thing everyone else treated like a revelation, and feel 114 00:09:06,159 --> 00:09:12,200 absolutely nothing. That question kept bothering me long after I 115 00:09:12,279 --> 00:09:17,000 got home. Later that evening, as I was locking up 116 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:21,200 the school after a PTA meeting, I heard footsteps echoing 117 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:25,399 down the hall. It was Alice, wearing the same hoodie 118 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:30,679 with the same distant stare, but this time her cheeks 119 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,840 were flushed and her eyes had that shimmering look I'd 120 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:38,120 seen on half the town. She stopped in front of me, 121 00:09:38,759 --> 00:09:43,679 breathing like she'd run all the way here. I didn't 122 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:48,399 think you would choose me, she whispered. Her hands were trembling, 123 00:09:48,799 --> 00:09:52,919 but she didn't seem scared, more like she was overwhelmed. 124 00:09:54,039 --> 00:09:58,159 I haven't even told her I love her yet? Who 125 00:09:58,279 --> 00:10:05,080 I asked? She glanced past me toward the doorway. Another girl, 126 00:10:05,759 --> 00:10:09,600 tall blonde, one of the basketball kids, was standing there, 127 00:10:10,039 --> 00:10:14,480 staring into the dim hallway with the same dreamy, softened 128 00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:19,679 expression most of the town had been wearing. Alice didn't 129 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:25,000 answer my question. She didn't need to. She just smiled, 130 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:31,639 small and shaking, and said again, I didn't think it 131 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:38,320 would choose me. I started noticing the gaps. That's how 132 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,039 it felt, like blank spaces in a song everyone else 133 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:46,840 had learned the lyrics to. People would speaking low, tender tones, 134 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:51,559 like they were sharing something sacred. But every so often 135 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:56,360 i'd see someone watching from a distance, unmoved out of 136 00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:01,759 step like me. The first was the man in the 137 00:11:01,879 --> 00:11:06,200 rusted car behind the hardware store. I'd seen him before, sure, 138 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,600 just one of those forgotten fixtures you stop noticing until 139 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:14,360 you have a reason to. He never begged or spoke, 140 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,279 just sat in the front seat of that sun bleached buick, 141 00:11:18,799 --> 00:11:24,200 windows fogged from the inside, watching the world pass. After 142 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,960 the painting, the town shifted, softened like over ripe fruit, 143 00:11:30,399 --> 00:11:34,440 but he didn't change at all. He just sat there, 144 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:39,360 a statue in denim and dust. Once I passed close 145 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:42,399 enough to catch his eyes through the glass, he was 146 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:46,799 staring straight ahead, unblinking, as if waiting for a radio 147 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,879 signal only he could hear. I raised a hand in 148 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:57,960 an awkward half wave. He didn't return it, just kept staring. 149 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,919 There was the widow, missus Laurie, who walked the cemetery 150 00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:08,519 each morning before dawn, always the same path, the same 151 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:13,840 three headstones, her husband, her son, and someone else I 152 00:12:13,879 --> 00:12:19,399 didn't recognize. Most mornings, I saw her from my kitchen window, 153 00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:23,919 dark coat trailing behind her like smoke, and buried deep 154 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:29,120 in her sleeves. After the butterfly showed up, I started 155 00:12:29,159 --> 00:12:34,360 watching more closely, wondering if, like everyone else, she'd stop 156 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:39,279 to stare at strangers with those new gentle smiles. But 157 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:44,159 she didn't. She moved the same way, slow and rigalistic. 158 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,919 She never looked up. I tried catching her eye one morning, 159 00:12:50,399 --> 00:12:54,320 brought a coffee in a paper cup. She didn't take it, 160 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,039 just looked at me like I was interrupting a conversation 161 00:12:58,159 --> 00:13:03,000 I couldn't hear. And then there was Nathan. He ran 162 00:13:03,039 --> 00:13:08,519 the post office, usually polite, efficient, and dry as toast. 163 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,080 I didn't know much about him beyond the story. Everyone 164 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:17,360 knew he had been alone his whole life, never found 165 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:21,039 a partner in this small town. In the week after 166 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,799 the painting, when couples danced barefoot in the park and 167 00:13:24,919 --> 00:13:29,879 strangers confessed decades of buried affection, Nathan still walked his 168 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,840 usual loop, with mail tugged tight to his chest, jaw 169 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:38,720 locks shot, like he was keeping something from escaping. I thought, 170 00:13:38,759 --> 00:13:42,039 for a second there might be something between us, some 171 00:13:42,159 --> 00:13:46,480 shared understanding, like warvette who never served in the same war, 172 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:51,559 but still recognized the look in each other's eyes. I 173 00:13:51,639 --> 00:13:54,399 tried to speak to him once and throw a line 174 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:59,320 about how strange everything had gotten. He paused, nodded once, 175 00:13:59,519 --> 00:14:04,480 and wore away. The others didn't speak at all, barely 176 00:14:04,519 --> 00:14:09,440 above the bare minimum for conversation. I wondered if This 177 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,480 is how I looked the whole time I was here. 178 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:17,919 To me, I was laying low, being inoffensive. Was I 179 00:14:18,159 --> 00:14:22,799 just as sour as the others not chosen? I kept 180 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,840 wondering if it was a coincidence, or if we were 181 00:14:25,879 --> 00:14:31,039 all missing the same piece, something simple, something everyone else 182 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:37,799 had that made them worthy of whatever this was. Eventually 183 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,240 I stopped one morning when I saw missus Lorry sitting 184 00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:46,320 in the church pews. She wasn't praying, just sitting facing 185 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:50,000 the blank wall where the painting had been. I sat 186 00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:53,320 a few rows behind her at the silence stretched between 187 00:14:53,399 --> 00:14:59,080 us until I couldn't take it anymore. Why aren't you 188 00:14:59,279 --> 00:15:03,320 like the others? I asked, my voice barely carried across 189 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,960 the empty room. She didn't look back, just shifted a 190 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:15,440 gaze slightly upward toward the ceiling beam because she said softly, 191 00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:22,840 there's no one left for me. It wasn't bitter, wasn't 192 00:15:22,879 --> 00:15:29,200 sad even. It was just the truth. And suddenly the 193 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,120 space inside my chest felt colder than it had all weak. 194 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:40,279 It started with the lights, people standing on their porches, 195 00:15:40,759 --> 00:15:45,240 faces lit by candles they hadn't held. Seconds before. I 196 00:15:45,279 --> 00:15:48,960 saw the first group from my window around midnight, six 197 00:15:49,039 --> 00:15:54,159 of them walking single file down main Street. They weren't speaking, 198 00:15:54,799 --> 00:15:59,279 but they were humming something low and wordless, not a 199 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,039 melody I recognized. They sounded more like a memory past 200 00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:10,279 mouth to mouth. The next night there were more couples 201 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:15,080 holding hands, parents with children, teenagers, moving like they rehearsed 202 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,840 the steps in some school auditorium long ago and just 203 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:25,039 now remember the choreography. They didn't look possessed. That's the 204 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,720 part I kept coming back to. There was no glassiness 205 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:32,639 in their eyes, no twitching or convulsing, no signs of strain. 206 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:40,720 They looked grateful, calm, like they were doing exactly what 207 00:16:40,759 --> 00:16:46,440 they were meant to do. Alice was with them. She 208 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,960 walked barefoot through the grass, arms loose at her side, 209 00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:53,600 her face tilted up to the stars like she expected 210 00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:57,480 to be lifted at any moment. She looked so alive, 211 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:03,120 in hurt to watch her. I followed some nights, stayed 212 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:07,200 far enough back to pretend I wasn't spying. They never 213 00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:12,640 turned round, never acknowledged me. Then on the fourth night, 214 00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:18,359 I saw the dancers middle of the town square, a 215 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,720 man and a woman twirling slowly in the pool of 216 00:17:21,799 --> 00:17:25,720 light beneath the lamp post, the bodies close enough that 217 00:17:25,799 --> 00:17:29,920 you couldn't tell whose feet were leading. The man's shirt 218 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,480 was soaked with something. I thought it was rain at first, 219 00:17:34,279 --> 00:17:37,119 but then I saw the dark streak trailing down from 220 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:43,279 his eye blood, a slow, steady trickle, like a tear 221 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:50,519 that got tired. No one seemed alarmed. Beeple walked past 222 00:17:50,559 --> 00:17:54,880 without blinking. One man even clapped, as if it were 223 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:59,240 a performance. That's when I started writing it all down, 224 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:04,880 not for posterity, for sanity. I needed to make it 225 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:11,559 make sense. Dates, names, times, descriptions, how many people, what 226 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,799 they did, how long it lasted. But the more I 227 00:18:15,839 --> 00:18:19,359 tried to track it, the worse it got. It was 228 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:24,000 like trying to trace smoke with a pencil. I gathered 229 00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:27,440 all my notes, thoughts, and theories and went straight to 230 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:31,599 the authorities. But no matter how much I urged them 231 00:18:31,599 --> 00:18:36,400 to action, the sheriff just stared through me, a soft 232 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:40,599 smile on his face. I think what angered me was 233 00:18:40,599 --> 00:18:45,079 how sincere it was. He wasn't mocking me. Gone to 234 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:51,279 whatever was going on, Nothing added up. I stopped writing 235 00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:58,160 and just watched. One night, I saw Alice sitting alone 236 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,680 at the edge of the pond, reflection trembling in the water, 237 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:06,960 I decided to speak to her. She looked up when 238 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:13,480 I got close, smiled soft and tired. Why are you 239 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:22,759 doing this, I asked, her. Smile didn't falter. She stood gently. 240 00:19:23,799 --> 00:19:28,559 Then she reached out and touched my cheek, not with pity, 241 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:34,680 but with something that felt like an apology. It must 242 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:39,039 be so lonely, she whispered, to have no one worth 243 00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:45,319 blooming for, And then she walked into the dark, and 244 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:49,240 I just stood there, still, not understanding whether she was 245 00:19:49,279 --> 00:19:57,279 trying to comfort me or mourn me. I went back 246 00:19:57,319 --> 00:20:01,559 to the church looking for missus Lorry. I don't know why, 247 00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:04,680 Maybe because she was the only one who ever answered 248 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,799 me without smiling, like she knew something I didn't, Or 249 00:20:08,839 --> 00:20:12,640 maybe because I still believed stupidly that there were a 250 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,039 few of us left who hadn't changed and were still sane. 251 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:21,519 The doors were open, candles lined the pews like sentries 252 00:20:22,039 --> 00:20:26,359 wax pooled onto hymn books no one was reading. I 253 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,920 found her sitting in the same spot she always did, 254 00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:34,920 back straight, hands folded. I sat beside her, close enough 255 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,559 that I could hear the quiet creak of her breath. 256 00:20:39,599 --> 00:20:43,960 She didn't look at me, not right away, just kept 257 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:48,799 a gaze fixed on the far wall. I turned toward her. 258 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:57,440 What is it? I asked? What does it want? She smiled. 259 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,640 That was the first thing that told me something was wrong. 260 00:21:02,839 --> 00:21:07,559 It wasn't bitter or distant or hollow. It was radiant, 261 00:21:08,079 --> 00:21:10,960 lit from within, the way they all were once it 262 00:21:11,079 --> 00:21:18,960 touched them. Then she said, so softly, I almost missed it. 263 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:24,240 It finds what still aches, she whispered, that's all it needs, 264 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:30,519 a wound you've grown used to holding. Her voice had 265 00:21:30,599 --> 00:21:34,440 changed to in cadence, like it had been set to music. 266 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:38,400 I couldn't hear. She finally turned to look at me, 267 00:21:39,519 --> 00:21:42,480 and for a moment I thought she might take my hand, 268 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:48,680 but instead she just said, you never learned how to ache, 269 00:21:49,279 --> 00:21:55,160 did you. Then she stood slow and graceful and walked 270 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,839 up the center aisle, her fingers brushing each pew like 271 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:04,440 a rosary. She had found the ache, and I was 272 00:22:04,519 --> 00:22:10,119 alone again, And now I couldn't even trust the silence 273 00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:13,799 I shared with her. The others, the ones like me, 274 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,599 had thinned out. The man in the buick was gone, 275 00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,799 his car sat empty, door left ajar like it. Stepped 276 00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:24,119 out for a moment and forgotten where it was going. 277 00:22:25,279 --> 00:22:28,000 Nathan had closed the Boast office early three days in 278 00:22:28,039 --> 00:22:33,359 a row. No one complained. I stopped by once and 279 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:37,599 saw him through the back window holding something small, but 280 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:41,039 I couldn't shake the fact that it looked like a weapon. 281 00:22:42,599 --> 00:22:47,759 I kept wandering around like a tourist in my own life, watching, listening, 282 00:22:48,319 --> 00:22:51,440 wondering if it was too late to be chosen, wondering 283 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:55,240 if I'd missed whatever subtle invitation had passed through everyone 284 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:59,920 else's blood. One night, I found myself at the edge 285 00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:04,400 of the park, just beyond the lights. Couples walked barefoot 286 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:09,119 in the grass. Teenagers sat in circles, head bowed, foreheads 287 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:15,079 pressed together. You could hear quiet songs, not full melodies, 288 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,119 just threads of harmony, rising and falling in time with 289 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:23,079 the breeze. I sat alone on a bench and tried 290 00:23:23,079 --> 00:23:27,960 to mimic it, the closeness, the warmth I imagine someone 291 00:23:28,039 --> 00:23:30,759 sitting next to me. I tried to picture what it 292 00:23:30,839 --> 00:23:33,200 might feel like to have a memory that made your 293 00:23:33,319 --> 00:23:39,200 chest hurt in that beautiful, horrible way. But there was 294 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,640 nothing there. It was like trying to start a fire 295 00:23:42,759 --> 00:23:48,839 with wet wood. Waiter at the cafe I ran into Maya. 296 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,559 I hadn't seen her in years, not since she graduated. 297 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:59,279 She'd drawn quiet, strange things that made the other students nervous. 298 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,640 Now she was older, settled, but still had that look 299 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,799 like she was always five seconds ahead of the rest 300 00:24:07,799 --> 00:24:13,319 of us. She offered me a seat. We talked lightly 301 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:19,720 at first, then slower. At some point I told her everything, 302 00:24:20,759 --> 00:24:25,119 not just about the painting or the others, but the hollowness, 303 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,680 the fact that I've been watching all of it from 304 00:24:27,759 --> 00:24:30,640 the outside, like a man pressing his face to the 305 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:34,799 glass of her house he used to live in. She listened, 306 00:24:35,519 --> 00:24:40,160 really listened. Then she looked at me with something like sympathy, 307 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:47,599 something like pity. I think you want to be in love, 308 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:54,920 she said, But you never learned how. I didn't argue, 309 00:24:55,599 --> 00:25:00,119 she said to coffee, set it down, and added, I 310 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:06,039 think you don't want to be alone when it happens. 311 00:25:06,759 --> 00:25:12,839 When what happens? I asked. She silently looked out the 312 00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:17,240 window at the people walking in pairs bathed in amber light, 313 00:25:17,839 --> 00:25:21,599 faces turned up toward a sky I hadn't been able 314 00:25:21,599 --> 00:25:36,079 to look at directly in days. It wasn't quiet anymore, 315 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,200 not in the way it used to be the stillness 316 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,799 of a town half forgotten, with dust settled in windshields, 317 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:49,880 and dogs barked at nothing. Now the silence felt intentional, sacred, 318 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,920 like everyone was holding their breath, waiting for the next 319 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:58,759 note in a song they'd only heard in dreams. They 320 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:03,279 started looking up more. It was subtle at first, heads 321 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:07,160 tilted just slightly toward the sky, as if something faint 322 00:26:07,279 --> 00:26:12,000 was humming above the clouds. But now people sat in 323 00:26:12,039 --> 00:26:17,759 fields at night, eyes wide open, mouths parted, Couples lay 324 00:26:17,839 --> 00:26:22,640 naked on blankets, fingers threaded together, whispering things I couldn't hear. 325 00:26:24,079 --> 00:26:28,880 They said they were ready. I found drawings scratched onto 326 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:33,640 the bark of trees, crude spirals, insect wings, cymbals that 327 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,279 looked like musical notation but didn't follow any rhythm. I 328 00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:42,519 knew behind the library someone stacked bones in a perfect spiral. 329 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:48,200 Bird bones maybe, or squirrels or something that once spoke. 330 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,599 A few houses at windows open and candlelight flickering, like 331 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:58,079 hearts beating and sink. I passed one porch where letters 332 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:01,640 were being burned one by one into a metal basin, 333 00:27:02,839 --> 00:27:09,400 love notes, I think, or maybe confessions. No one seemed 334 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:18,519 afraid except me. I found Jacob outside the old grocery store. 335 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,160 He was standing still, head tilted back, his hand resting 336 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:28,640 gently on the car handle, like he'd forgotten he was there. Jacob, 337 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:34,359 I said, too loud, Come with me. He blinked slowly, 338 00:27:34,799 --> 00:27:39,480 then smiled that same warm, distant smile everyone wore. Now, 339 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:47,799 come where away? I said, just out of town, anywhere, 340 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,960 a day even, just to see if it breaks whatever 341 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:56,640 this is. His smile didn't falter, but his eyes showed 342 00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:02,720 signs of mourning. Please, I said, I don't know what's happening, 343 00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:07,200 but it's not right. It's not He stepped forward and 344 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,400 put a hand on my shoulder. There was real pain 345 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:15,160 in his face, sorrow of something I had no knowledge of, 346 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:20,359 Like I was in the wrong for thinking this. You're 347 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:25,519 not being punished, Darren, You're just not part of it. 348 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:32,200 That hurt more than I expected, because there wasn't a 349 00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:38,119 drip of malice. It was pure truth, and truth doesn't bruise, 350 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:44,680 it carves. He turned and walked back inside, leaving me 351 00:28:44,759 --> 00:28:47,640 with nothing but the sound of insects buzzing in rhythm 352 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:52,920 I swear i'd never heard before That night. I walked 353 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:55,960 to the edge of town. There's an overlook where the 354 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,680 grass gives way to gravel and you can see the 355 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:03,759 train tracks disappear into nothing. That's where I saw them. 356 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:08,680 Two people, a man and a woman, sitting on a guardrail. 357 00:29:09,799 --> 00:29:14,839 I recognized them. Both. Neither had changed. They were like me, 358 00:29:15,599 --> 00:29:21,319 always had been watching things from the outside. They weren't speaking, 359 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,920 just holding hands like it was the last rope tying 360 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:30,559 them to something real. Then the woman began to cry, 361 00:29:31,799 --> 00:29:37,759 not from pain or fear, from relief, and the man 362 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:43,400 he smiled, just barely, but it was the start of 363 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:47,400 a smile that comes from surrendering to something beautiful you 364 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:53,200 were once terrified of. I watched heart hammering as they 365 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:57,359 began to succumb to the phenomenon, and for the first 366 00:29:57,359 --> 00:30:02,200 time since this all began, I felt something split in me, 367 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:11,759 grief because whatever they were becoming, it was never meant 368 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:21,200 for me. It happened just before dawn. I hadn't slept, 369 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,839 not in days, really, just drifted in and out of hours, 370 00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:30,319 like a body floating on cold water. I've been walking 371 00:30:30,359 --> 00:30:33,440 the town again, hoping the movement would give my mind 372 00:30:33,519 --> 00:30:37,359 something to grip. But when I turned onto Main Street, 373 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:44,759 I knew something had changed. They were standing still, all 374 00:30:44,799 --> 00:30:50,880 of them. The changed frozen mid step, mid conversation, mid breath. 375 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,000 A couple sat on a bench, foreheads touching. A teenager 376 00:30:56,039 --> 00:30:58,359 stood on a porch of the book half open in 377 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:02,400 a hands. The mayor was parked at a stoplight door ajar, 378 00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:08,079 his head tilted toward the sky. None of them moved. 379 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,160 Their eyes were wide and wet, the expression you see 380 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:17,640 in old church paintings. Mouths parted just slightly, as if 381 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:21,720 they were hearing something so beautiful they couldn't survive the sound. 382 00:31:24,359 --> 00:31:29,720 I stood in the center of the square, surrounded. The 383 00:31:29,839 --> 00:31:34,920 air felt thick, like it was vibrating, just out of 384 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:40,880 tune with reality. My ears rang from the pressure. Something 385 00:31:41,079 --> 00:31:48,559 was happening, Something was here. They looked up, every single 386 00:31:48,599 --> 00:31:52,400 one of them, in perfect unison, tilted their heads toward 387 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:59,480 the sky, not in panic, but in recognition. Whatever they'd 388 00:31:59,519 --> 00:32:09,200 been waiting for had finally arrived. And then they began 389 00:32:09,359 --> 00:32:15,839 to bloom. It started with a shiver, a ripple through 390 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:18,720 the crowd, like a breath held and released at once. 391 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:24,920 Shoulders loosened, mouths parted, ice softened. Something pulling at them 392 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:31,359 from somewhere, very far away, then the first tear opened. 393 00:32:33,039 --> 00:32:35,200 I saw it happen to a man near the fountain, 394 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:40,119 a thin, perfect line splitting down the center of his chest, 395 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:45,359 as gentle as if someone had unsipped a coat. There 396 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:53,039 was no struggle, no gasp. His skin just parted. The 397 00:32:53,119 --> 00:32:58,240 flesh eased back on its own, curling outward. Muscle followed 398 00:32:59,359 --> 00:33:04,240 it slid out in long, warm ribbons, thick glistening strands 399 00:33:04,319 --> 00:33:08,079 peeling away from bone, like silk loosened from a spool. 400 00:33:09,079 --> 00:33:13,759 Each sheet slowed downward, with soft, wet sounds, layering itself 401 00:33:13,799 --> 00:33:18,200 at his feet. His heart sat exposed for a moment, 402 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:26,599 pulsing like a bright stone. Then it softened too. Around me, 403 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:31,039 the rest of the town began to open. I could 404 00:33:31,039 --> 00:33:36,119 hear it, that quiet pealing, that almost tender separation of 405 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:41,079 skin from the living thing inside. It didn't sound violent, 406 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:46,480 more like fruit being opened by steady hands. A woman's 407 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:50,160 face split along a jawline, a child's spine pushed free 408 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:54,920 in a slow arc, vertebra by vertebra, and men's aunts 409 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,839 shed their muscles in draped sheets, leaving the pale gleam 410 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:06,079 of bone beneath. None of them screamed, They didn't even flinch. 411 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,320 The tendon stretched like strings being pulled taut, then snapped 412 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:15,599 with little pops, playful in how small they sounded compared 413 00:34:15,599 --> 00:34:20,360 to the enormity of what was happening. Fingers loosened from knuckles, 414 00:34:20,679 --> 00:34:27,119 cheeks peeled from skulls, ribs unfolded like petals. There was 415 00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:33,679 no blood, not a drop. Everything emptied itself cleanly, quietly, 416 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,960 as if their bodies had been waiting for this, as 417 00:34:37,039 --> 00:34:40,039 if the machinery of being human had turned off its 418 00:34:40,119 --> 00:34:45,840 alarms and unlocked all its doors, and through all of 419 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:55,400 it their expressions. God, they looked euphoric. A woman whose 420 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:59,159 eyes were already clouding over, smiled like someone had just 421 00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:03,079 told her she could finally go home. A teenage boy 422 00:35:03,199 --> 00:35:07,239 leaned into his friend as his sternam opened, and they 423 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:14,360 both laughed, breathless and relieved. Before their laughter dissipated. Couples 424 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:18,480 held hands as their bodies melted. Parents stroked their children's 425 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:23,039 hair even as their own faces fell away. Some closed 426 00:35:23,039 --> 00:35:26,480 their eyes, others raised their arms to the sky, as 427 00:35:26,519 --> 00:35:32,360 if embracing something descending toward them. No one ran, no 428 00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:38,199 one begged, no one tried to stop it. They welcomed it. 429 00:35:40,039 --> 00:35:44,280 Spines collapsed into soft white powder. Skulls folded inward like 430 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:49,480 drying paper, bones crumbled at the slightest breeze, becoming dust 431 00:35:49,679 --> 00:35:54,480 before they even touched the ground. I stood there and 432 00:35:54,679 --> 00:35:58,679 watched it all, watched the town peel itself open and 433 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:02,760 spill into the air, like light escape in a cracked shell. 434 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:11,119 And something in me twisted painfully, not from the horror, 435 00:36:11,599 --> 00:36:16,719 but from the unbearable truth threading through every smile, every sigh, 436 00:36:17,199 --> 00:36:26,920 every peaceful surrender of the body. They were happy, every 437 00:36:27,119 --> 00:36:30,800 single one of them, happy in a way I had 438 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:36,960 never been. And suddenly I understood I never could be, 439 00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,519 and that, more than the skin and the bones and 440 00:36:42,559 --> 00:36:48,400 the dust swirling in the dawn light, was what shattered me. 441 00:36:51,039 --> 00:36:55,760 Then something rose from the center of the stillness. A shimmer, 442 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:59,920 at first like oil and water, like air warping over 443 00:37:00,079 --> 00:37:07,000 pavement on a hot day. Then wings, massive, translucent, veined 444 00:37:07,079 --> 00:37:11,000 like stained glass. A body that flickered between forms I 445 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:15,079 couldn't hold on to, not long enough to name, eyes 446 00:37:15,119 --> 00:37:20,480 like multifaceted mirrors, a head that never stopped turning. It 447 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:24,719 wasn't the butterfly from the painting that had just been 448 00:37:24,760 --> 00:37:30,280 a door. This was what had been waiting behind it. 449 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:34,639 It rose from their remains, built from them, somehow, not 450 00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:43,199 their flesh, but what had been inside it. Love, familial, partnership, desire, 451 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:48,679 all of it shaped and reflected into something too beautiful 452 00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:57,199 to be real. It flew soundless, weightless. It drifted over rooftops, 453 00:37:57,480 --> 00:38:01,119 trailing sparks of gold behind it, like the last light 454 00:38:01,199 --> 00:38:07,360 of a dying sun. It passed above me and did 455 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:13,400 not touch me, didn't even pause. I stood, I shouted, 456 00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:20,599 I'm here. I said, I'm still here. It didn't slow. 457 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:28,480 I saw them, I watched, I understand, now still nothing. 458 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:34,119 I dropped to my knees, coughing in the dust. My 459 00:38:34,199 --> 00:38:37,559 hands trembled, flicks of bone and ash clinging to my 460 00:38:37,679 --> 00:38:42,360 skin like snow. I tried to cry, but the tears 461 00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:45,920 didn't come. I tried to pray, but my voice was hollow. 462 00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,519 I tried to plead, but I had no one to 463 00:38:49,559 --> 00:38:58,320 plead for, just me, And for the first time, it 464 00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:02,400 hit me all at once, all the quiet years, all 465 00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:07,719 the nice dinners, all the polite, acceptable small talk, all 466 00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:12,920 the chances I'd had to love someone, to ache, for 467 00:39:13,039 --> 00:39:20,760 someone to need, and how I'd missed every one. I 468 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:26,239 collapsed into the ash, completely from emptiness. I whispered into 469 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:30,960 the remains of a thousand open hearts, I'm still here, 470 00:39:31,519 --> 00:39:38,320 I'm still me Why. And the dust stirred around me, 471 00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:45,199 just faintly, and I heard it from inside, like something 472 00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:48,079 had cracked open in the back of my skull, just 473 00:39:48,199 --> 00:39:52,960 wide enough to let the words in, because there's nothing 474 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:59,400 in you to transform. And then the wind blew, and 475 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,079 the ashes, the ones I never knew how to love, 476 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:10,800 scattered into the morning. They found me three days later. 477 00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,880 I was still sitting there in the square, half buried 478 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:18,679 in ash. It had settled into my hair, into the 479 00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,559 falls of my clothes, into the cracks of my palms. 480 00:40:23,159 --> 00:40:27,039 I don't think I moved the entire time. Maybe I slept, 481 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,599 Maybe I didn't. The days blur when there's no one 482 00:40:30,679 --> 00:40:34,639 left to tell you that time is passing. When the 483 00:40:34,679 --> 00:40:38,199 rescue crews arrived, boots crunching through what used to be 484 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:42,159 neighbors and classmates and people I borrowed jumper cables from, 485 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:47,039 I didn't react. A man knelt in front of me, 486 00:40:47,519 --> 00:40:51,960 asking questions, my name, if I was okay, what I remembered, 487 00:40:53,199 --> 00:40:56,559 but his voice was muffled, sounding like he was speaking 488 00:40:56,599 --> 00:41:04,239 from underwater. Staring at the ground, the dust shifted every 489 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:11,000 time I breathed, little clouds lifting, swirling, falling again. If 490 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:14,360 I stared long enough, I could almost imagine faces in it. 491 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,559 Not their faces, just the impression of all the love 492 00:41:18,639 --> 00:41:25,199 they carried, hovering for a moment before dissolving again. Eventually, 493 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:33,679 someone asked what happened here. I thought about lying or 494 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:37,159 saying I didn't know, but the truth rose in my 495 00:41:37,199 --> 00:41:42,880 throat before I could stop it. They were loved, I said. 496 00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:50,360 My voice cracked. That's why they got to leave. The 497 00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:55,320 man frowned at me. To him it was nonsense, and 498 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:58,440 maybe it was, but it was the only thing that 499 00:41:58,559 --> 00:42:03,840 made sense to me anymore. They weren't killed. They became 500 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:10,679 something they had always been reaching toward, and I didn't. 501 00:42:15,519 --> 00:42:18,000 In the days that followed, they kept me in a 502 00:42:18,039 --> 00:42:22,639 hospital an hour out of town, clean sheets, tiled floors, 503 00:42:23,119 --> 00:42:25,880 a window that looked out over fields that had never 504 00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:30,000 known what happened in bell Weather. Nurses came and went. 505 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:33,119 The psychiatrist sat by my bed and tried to get 506 00:42:33,119 --> 00:42:38,480 me to talk about trauma and massysteria. But every time 507 00:42:38,519 --> 00:42:45,719 I closed my eyes, I saw them. Alice's smile opening 508 00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:49,079 like a second sunrise, Jacob lifting his head to the 509 00:42:49,079 --> 00:42:52,840 sky as if greeting an old friend, the way couples 510 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:58,519 held each other as their bodies unspooled into light. They 511 00:42:58,519 --> 00:43:05,079 weren't afraid, they weren't alone, they weren't left behind. That 512 00:43:05,199 --> 00:43:11,199 last one hurt the most, because somewhere, beneath the horror 513 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:16,639 and the dust and the quiet, gnawing loneliness, something else 514 00:43:16,679 --> 00:43:20,280 had taken root to me, something I didn't want to name. 515 00:43:23,199 --> 00:43:28,280 I was jealous, jealous that they had someone, anyone whose 516 00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:32,280 love reached deep enough that it could echo into whatever 517 00:43:32,519 --> 00:43:40,440 came next. I didn't, and that was why I remained. 518 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:46,199 People keep calling me lucky. They say I survived, that 519 00:43:46,360 --> 00:43:50,639 I was spared. But every night, when the lights dim, 520 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:55,079 I lie awake in that hospital bed and wonder about 521 00:43:55,119 --> 00:44:01,239 the truth of it, the sharp aching contradiction. If they 522 00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:05,960 are gone and I'm alive, I have another chance at love. 523 00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:09,800 But if I never had it to begin with, if 524 00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:12,559 no one ever felt that way about me, if I 525 00:44:12,679 --> 00:44:16,679 never felt it toward anyone, then is it even possible 526 00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:20,519 with this second chance? And if I did somehow learn 527 00:44:20,639 --> 00:44:23,840 to live this feeling, would I be whisked up? Into 528 00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:27,000 the sky, or was that all just the one off. 529 00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:33,760 Some mornings, I hope the answer will come. Other mornings, 530 00:44:34,559 --> 00:44:39,119 I hope it won't, because the world feels wrong with 531 00:44:39,239 --> 00:44:44,599 this knowledge, too quiet, too flat, like someone drained all 532 00:44:44,679 --> 00:44:47,480 the color or turned off the part of the sky 533 00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:53,840 that used to watch back. And sometimes, when I'm honest 534 00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:58,519 with myself, I wonder whether they were the lucky ones, 535 00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,480 the ones who got to bloom, the ones who got 536 00:45:02,519 --> 00:45:06,280 to go, the ones who weren't left behind to figure 537 00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:09,599 out how to start loving in a world that suddenly 538 00:45:09,719 --> 00:45:17,320 feels too big, too empty, and too late. But I'm 539 00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:23,519 still here, I'm still me. Maybe that means something. Maybe 540 00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:28,440 it means nothing at all.