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Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, besties. It is a mother.

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I'm so excited to be here with you guys this week. Listen,

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we're going to get right into it. We have an

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amazing guest today. He is my astrologist, one of my

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dear friends, and the now author of a book called Unbreakable.

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Please enjoy this episode with Sean Breathwaite.

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Speaker 2: This is what breakups look like, exactly.

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Speaker 1: This is exactly, no makeup, bags under my eyes, fucking

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hair's a mess. Mike's yelling at me. Sean's right again, like,

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I'm so happy to have you back. Well, not back

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because you did my old podcast, but you haven't done

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this one. So I'm so excited to have you here.

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Speaker 3: I'm so excited too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel last time. Okay, so let's go back

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in time to the last time we did podcast together.

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You came in and you were like, this year is

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going to be a really rough year. And I don't

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remember the exact terminology you said, but it was about

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like the world as a whole, it's going to have

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a rough year. And then a few years later, a

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few years later, a few days later, Mike, what ha

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happened to our lights? The la fires broke out.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly when did I come last time? So I

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can put this in my head.

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Speaker 1: You came in like early January. It was I think

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it was our New Year's episode because we were talking

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about like going into the New year and manifesting and

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all that.

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Speaker 3: Five.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, because the thing is is that that was

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a nine year for the collective.

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Speaker 1: So explain what that means.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's basically like the ending of a cycle. That's

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the ending of a collective cycle of all lessons that

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are meant to be learned. Anything that is meant to

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come to a head will come to a head. Everything

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will be revealed. And you know, just like with relationships,

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like we were talking about earlier, when things need to

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come to a head and be revealed and we haven't

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actively done that to participate in revealing them, then the

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universe is basically like, Okay, if you're not going to

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help me reveal, I'm gonna have to just shove this

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in your face, right, you know, and then when that happens,

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you have to deal with it, right, And that's what

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is all about exactly.

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Speaker 1: So we didn't deal with something and then they're like,

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we're gonna have an uber driver start a fire.

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Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, So deal with this now, yeah, deal with that.

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Speaker 2: And so now we're in a one universal year, which

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is brand new beginnings for everything.

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Speaker 1: So that's why, yes, Pratt is now going to be

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the mayor. He's going to fix everything.

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Speaker 3: That's a new beginning.

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Speaker 1: That's the new beginning. It's a new beginning for him

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and for us. Okay, so one year is new, brand

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new for all of us. Explain what that means.

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Speaker 2: Well, Basically, just as a collective, we're now in a

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seed planting phase because after a nine year cycle, you're

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meant to have learned the lessons you're supposed to learn

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as a collective. And when that takes place, we then

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have a new chapter of a blank slate really based

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on all of the information that you've collected, and then

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stepping into what seeds are we going to plant now

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collectively in terms of what our belief systems are going

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to be, what our financial systems are going to be,

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what type of spiritual reference points are we going to have.

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That's why everything's about now, like establishing as much as

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we can a collective understanding. And it's really challenging now

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because everybody's opinion is being heard, and it from my perspective,

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I feel like we're just over complicating everything, We're over

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analyzing everything, and so you know, that's why when it

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came to what I feel like I really have an

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understanding of I decided to write the book.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you have. I mean, I'm so excited

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to get into this book. It's about love and relationships

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and how to navigate them. And it's interesting because your

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background is in astrology. Yes, but the book doesn't really

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talk about that. It's more about just communication within a

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relationship structure. I want to get to that later though, Okay,

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no problem. Right now. I want to talk about right now.

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I would like to give you the chance to say.

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Speaker 2: I told you so, which you're you're forcing me into.

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Speaker 3: But I'll take it. I'll take it.

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Speaker 2: I'll told you so because the thing is, the funny

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story that I want to tell them about is there

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was a day that you and I i'd been doing

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readings for.

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Speaker 3: You for a while, we got along really well. I knew.

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The thing is when I do a reading.

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Speaker 2: For someone, I see their chart initially, right, and so

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I'll know, like I'm going to really get along with

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this person you know, and there's nobody that I'm like,

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oh God, here they come. But I also I do

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know when i'm really compatibout with somebody, So I knew

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when I saw your child, I'm like, we're going to

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get along really well, which we did. And I can't

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remember how many years we had been working together before

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we had like our first like friendship date. We actually

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went out to have like a friendship date. On our

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first friendship date, I started talking to Brittany about like

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what I had gone through that day with a client,

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and I was like, it's just, you know, this thing

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is a lot of times with especially my female clients,

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when they're in a relationship and then they want to

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spend so much time like analyzing and diagnosing the guy

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they're with instead of looking at what part they're playing

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in it. And she decided at that moment that she

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was going to teach me a lesson and stand up

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for any girl or all women that I was talking about,

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and proceeded to pull up the receipts and pure trust

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fashion of every time I had been wrong astrologically. Also

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told me that had aged out of attractiveness. This is

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this is you remember this.

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Speaker 1: Yes, there's no way I think you're so hot. There's

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no way. I was making a joke.

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Speaker 2: I'm making a joke. Remember afterwards it you kept it

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because I thought it was hilarious. The thing is, and

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then she called me afterwards it was like, I'm sorry

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I verbally eviscerated you on our first day.

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Speaker 3: You know, I love you. Everything's cool.

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Speaker 2: But I'm just saying that because now I can say

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that you're giving me h You're giving me points for

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when I am correct. And this relationship, if that's what

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you're talking about, this last relationship you're in. We do

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this thing called the gang Bangometers, the.

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Speaker 1: Gang Bango Meter. It's the best, so we on a

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ten scale. We decide when I give you their information

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their birthday, you give them a rating between one and ten,

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ten being the highest, one being the lowest. And where

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they're at on the gang Bangometer.

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Speaker 3: Yes, exactly.

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Speaker 2: And so her most recent relationship, even though I didn't

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have as a rising sign, which is an extremely important

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part of the puzzle, based on the information I did have,

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he did not rate so high. And I was like,

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you know, these are gonna be the really positive things

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about him, and these are gonna be the challenges about him.

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And you know, next thing, you know, she's like, so

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I'm moving and we're getting married. You know, it went

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very fast, in typical Britney fashion. It went from zero

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to one hundred. And I was like, okay, you know,

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try to find that rising sign for me.

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Speaker 1: You literally said you cannot move across the country until

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you give me the rising sign. And I was like, well,

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the truck's here, So I guess I should clarify the

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gang bang A meter is astrological. Gang bang.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's definitely astrological.

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Speaker 3: There's nothing else going on.

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Speaker 2: But but yeah, so I mean, I guess I can

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take and I told you so.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, take and I told you so, and then explain

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why you said that it might have its challenges.

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Speaker 2: Because the thing is, when it comes to astrology, the

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most important thing to connect on is your moon sign,

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because when people get upset in relationships, you're operating from

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your emotions your moon sign. So the more compatible your

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moon signs are, the more you're going to be able

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to speak the same language and connect emotionally when you're upset. Right,

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And so I saw that with your moon being Aquarius

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and his moon being Capricorn, that's a challenge, right, you know,

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because the thing is Capricorn is very first of all,

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Capricorn moon sign is very guarded emotionally, and so they

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when they're going through something, their first instinct is to

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internalize and deal with it all on their own and

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then just come to you with what they're going to do.

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And your moon being aquarious, you like to talk things

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out and talk them out immediately, you know, And so

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that was already a conflict of interest. So I was like, Okay,

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this is going to be a challenge, you know. And

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then the thing is your sun signs Taurus and Gemini,

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that that's really fun, you know, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: It's really fun across the country fun exactly exactly.

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Speaker 2: And so I just knew that there would be like hurdles, yeah,

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and they were there and then.

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Speaker 1: Yes, hurdle and then it was a prick fucking wall.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So I mean, yeah, it's.

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Speaker 1: Interesting too because it is when we got into conflict

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that we had a really hard time resolving it. And

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there was more conflict in that relationship than any other

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relationship I had been in. It was like almost constant,

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like running up against lifestyle differences and you know, him

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being like really defensive about his choices and me trying

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to like kind of put boundaries in and he didn't want,

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you know, he didn't want him and then he was

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like really defending his way to live. And yeah, it

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was just And now that it's like the end, it's

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even harder because we're getting like even nastier.

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Speaker 2: Right you know, Yeah, that's I mean, I hate to

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keep bringing back to the book because I know you

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want to talk about it.

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Speaker 1: We can start talking about the book. Let's do it, just.

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Speaker 2: Because I really think that's going to help in terms

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of the tools of being able to express what is

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that you need moving forward and be able to to

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reach a resolution.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so let's get into the book. So you wrote

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this book called Unbreakable and it's a really short read,

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but it's really profound. When you were like, that's exactly

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the goal, when you were like, you need to read

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my book before the podcast, I was time to read

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a book. And then I got it. I was like,

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wait a minute, it's more like a manual exactly. And

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it's what is it seventy pages sixty seven It's it's.

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Speaker 2: Like fifty sixty it's so short.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very short.

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Speaker 3: But it's where can we buy the book? Yeah, Amazon,

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you can get on Amazon.

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Speaker 2: I mean really, if you just even if you just

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google Unbreakable by Sean Breathwaite, yeah, then you will, you'll

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find many places to buy it. But right now Amazon

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is I think.

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Speaker 3: The I'll make sure we plug it at least four

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more times.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, thing, yes, I love that. So oh but

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the beauty of it being so short is because I know, like,

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especially now, everyone's attention span is so small it's nothing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So and I really feel like one of the gifts

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that I have accumulated over time doing astrology things like

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that is being able to bottom line information really practically

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and in a way that's understandable and in a way

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that's just efficient and straight to the point.

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Speaker 3: And so I really wanted to.

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Speaker 2: Give people the ability to be able to communicate what

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their needs were in a solution oriented way. And so,

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because the thing is with relationships, we're never taught how

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to have a functional relationship and we don't have many

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examples of them totally.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think for me growing up, when I

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was raised, I was so afraid to express my needs

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because they were often met with resistance or anger, or

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you know, whatever emotional chaos my mom had in her

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pocket that day. So I find myself in adult relationships,

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and more so in my first marriage, I was very

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afraid to say what I needed because I was afraid

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that it was going to be mess. So I didn't

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even have the language. And this book kind of helps

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you find the language of like not being like in

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someone's face like I need this, I'm fucking out, but

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more like this is how I feel, this is what

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I need. Are you willing to do that like those

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kind of steps, yes, exactly, So talk me through how

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I should handle the rest of this breakup.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So here's the thing.

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Speaker 2: It's like, every time you're in a relationship and you

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get into a situation where you want to talk about

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what the issue is, you want to talk about your problems.

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You come to the table usually trying to explain to

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the person what they did that upset you, right, and

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one hundred percent of the time when you do that,

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the other person then is going to defend what they

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did and try to get you to understand that you're

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seeing it the wrong way or that you're feeling the

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wrong way about it. So what this book does is

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it tells you what to say and how to say

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it in a way that isn't accusatory at all and

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just focuses on what it is you need in order

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to feel better. So it's like in this situation, you

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would as you move forward, when challenges come up with

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the breakup, you would first establish what it is that

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you need in order to feel better about the scenario.

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Speaker 1: A new boyfriend.

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Speaker 2: Because what I thought was what I thought was so

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interesting when I watched your last podcast you were talking

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about there were red flags in the beginning, right, So

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now you have the tools when a red flag comes up,

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because this is this is exactly what this book is for.

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It works in the dating process, it works during the

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relationship process, and during the dating process when a red

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flag comes up, instead of doing what society is like

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telling us to do now, which is you see a

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red flag that determines what they're capable of and what

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they're not capable of, So run the other way, queen,

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because you deserve more, you know, and everybody celebrates that. Yeah,

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and sure have your deal breakers for and I say,

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have three deal breakers. If you have more than those,

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maybe question what's going on.

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Speaker 1: So they look at the mirror if you're the deal exactly.

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Speaker 2: But it's like, have your deal breakers. So if they

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do certain things, like for me, a deal breaker is cheating.

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You know, there's no conversation. If you cheated, I'm done.

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Speaker 1: Okay. So in your if someone is texting someone else slatiously,

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is that cheating in your opinion to you? Then, by

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the way, I'm open to the fact that people have

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different opinions of cheating.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 2: So if for me and my relationship, if someone is

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doing that and we hadn't talked about it yet, like

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if I had never said these are my dough breakers,

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cheating is my dough breaker. And just so you know,

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texting someone silatiously for me is cheating. Then if that

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hadn't taken place yet, when it came up, what I

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would do is say I need to talk to you

295
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the whole requesting time thing, and then I would say,

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when you text someone like that, this is how it

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makes me feel. Are you willing to stop that? And

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then given their response, that informs you of what they're

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capable of moving forward. But in my personal opinion, yes,

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I would not be okay with that, you know. But

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the thing is I do think it's really important in

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relationships to be very clear on what works for you

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and what doesn't early on.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so clear. And that's it's such a good point

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because it's like all the red flags that I talked

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about in the beginning of him following a bunch of whoes.

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I'm sorry, they're beautiful, following these beautiful women he used

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to sleep with, not cars, they're so hot, Like I'm

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you know, am I jealous? No, but like they're yeah,

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a little you know, they're so hot and they're like

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in their twenties. I'm like, I'm an old hag, but

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just like.

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 1: But those things that bothered me early on, I don't

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think I was clear enough about how much they bothered me, right,

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And when I finally brought them up in a meaningful way,

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I was already mad to the point where I was

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holding onto the resentment and I was going to hold

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onto it forever.

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Speaker 3: Yes, exactly.

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Speaker 1: So it's like I kind of did get in my

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own way in that capacity, like my pride being like

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he should know better. He shouldn't, Yeah, he should not.

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He should of course not be following these women. He

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should know better. But my pride like no, like this

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is my man, Like he can follow, you know, he

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can follow who he wants, he can do what he wants.

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Eventually he'll take care of it. And he never took

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care of it until I said something. Then he was

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like absolutely, like I'll get rid of da da da

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da da. And then but it was like for me,

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it was the fact that I had to keep being like,

333
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this is not appropriate behavior. This is not appropriate behavior.

334
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This over here is also not appropriate behavior. I don't

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love you, know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: This is So this is the perfect example, It really is.

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Because the thing is when you're seeing these things happen initially,

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like the steps are you first establish the level of importance.

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So when you saw these things happen and you knew

340
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they didn't sit right with you, so that's when you

341
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establish is this something I can get over or is

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this something that I need to address? Clearly, you weren't

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going to get over it, so you needed to address

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it right. And so then the second step is establishing

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what you would need in order to feel better. So

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instead of doing that, you did exactly what you did,

347
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which is like, we'll just kind of see what happens.

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This is my man, he should be able to do this,

349
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he should want to do that, I shoul trust him.

350
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Blah blah blah, instead of then thinking, okay, if I

351
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know this is a problem, what will I need in

352
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order to fill And then you request time because anytime

353
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you just show up saying you know, we need to

354
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talk right now.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's the worst feeling in the world. We need

356
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to put a bullet in my head.

357
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Speaker 2: Exactly instantly feel defensive. It just sets it up all wrong.

358
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So we request time and say there's something I want

359
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to talk to you about. Let me know what a

360
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good time is.

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Speaker 1: Then that gives anxiety.

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Speaker 2: But it gives them time to process the anxiety. But

363
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they lose but they need that time.

364
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Speaker 1: So that will body is gonna let you take that time.

365
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They're gonna be like, let's talk right now.

366
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Speaker 2: But if they do, they then have established that that's

367
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when they're ready to be receptive because and the truth is,

368
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,840
I work with so many couples. Many people do take

369
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that time. They're like, Okay, we'll talk about it. You

370
00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:48,759
can't say next week. There has to be a turnaround time.

371
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,600
But if you're like, okay, we can talk about it,

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00:16:50,639 --> 00:16:53,320
you know, at six o'clock today or whatever. Then that

373
00:16:53,399 --> 00:16:55,559
gives them the time to finish whatever they were doing,

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to process whatever they need to process, and then to

375
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sit down and be receptive to you.

376
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,200
Speaker 1: I would love you to find me one person spin

377
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,960
out for those hours and between, let's schedule a time

378
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:06,359
to talk.

379
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,119
Speaker 2: If you're if you're a spinner, if you're the type

380
00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,759
of person who wants to know immediately, then great, that's

381
00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:12,559
what you have, that right to say, I want to

382
00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:15,440
talk about it right now. But the beautiful thing is.

383
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,039
Speaker 1: The beautiful like a fucking ballerina.

384
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,720
Speaker 2: The beautiful thing is if we're if we're in a

385
00:17:19,799 --> 00:17:21,799
relationship and I say I need to talk to you

386
00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:23,359
when it's a good time, and you say right now

387
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,359
because you don't want to spend the beautiful thing is

388
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,319
I'm immediately coming to you with this is what I'm.

389
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,039
Speaker 3: Asking you to do.

390
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, and see if I were to do it all

391
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,880
over again in this relationship, is Mike tit out? Oh yeah,

392
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:39,799
my nipples out every time? Thanks Mike. It like put

393
00:17:39,839 --> 00:17:41,400
it away for.

394
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:42,880
Speaker 2: The views exactly.

395
00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:44,440
Speaker 1: If I were to do this, you just.

396
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:49,599
Speaker 2: Small it was a short amount of time.

397
00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:59,720
Speaker 1: Twenty God myself right now, you guys you already know

398
00:17:59,759 --> 00:18:01,559
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399
00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:03,880
say it because you have the ad read memorized in

400
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,279
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00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:09,440
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403
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404
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your hair is amazing. It's so thick. We did a

405
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,920
little cut to make it fresh, but it's so thick,

406
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it's so strong, it's so healthy, and it's because I

407
00:18:21,039 --> 00:18:24,799
have been doing Berber hair oil treatments for the last

408
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409
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,440
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410
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411
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,720
If I were to do this relationship again, obviously I'm

412
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:42,759
not going to, but my next relationship, yes, but for

413
00:18:42,799 --> 00:18:45,519
the sake of the conversation, if I were to reverse

414
00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:48,119
time on this one, yes, I would have. Every time

415
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,599
something bothered me, said something and said it in a

416
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,559
more constructive way, because I think what I did was

417
00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:56,119
I was like, this behavior bothers me.

418
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,920
Speaker 2: I don't like this behavior, and then you explained why

419
00:19:00,079 --> 00:19:03,160
you don't like it. Yeah, that's the problem because what

420
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,880
that does that opens up a debate. The moment you

421
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,359
start telling me why you don't like something, then I

422
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,599
can respond to you about why your perspective is wrong totally.

423
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,640
Speaker 1: And that's what it was like a game of ping pong.

424
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,720
Speaker 2: That's every every single couple I sit down with, it's

425
00:19:18,759 --> 00:19:21,559
the same fight in different ways because as soon as

426
00:19:21,599 --> 00:19:23,799
you start telling them why you feel the way that

427
00:19:23,839 --> 00:19:26,279
you feel, which is basically why you're wrong, you know,

428
00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,440
telling them why they're wrong, why their behavior is wrong,

429
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,000
they're going to start explaining to you that your perspective

430
00:19:31,079 --> 00:19:34,480
is off. And the thing is you can't people now

431
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,640
all they want to do is feel validated, right, I

432
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,519
feel understood. And the thing is, if you're looking for validation,

433
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,720
that's really code for I.

434
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,400
Speaker 1: Need you to agree with me totally.

435
00:19:42,559 --> 00:19:45,279
Speaker 2: And if you're looking for that as a resolution, you're

436
00:19:45,319 --> 00:19:47,720
going to lose every time because what you want to

437
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,359
know instead of do you think the way that I

438
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,440
feel is validated? And do you agree with it? Instead

439
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,400
of that, it's like, do you love me enough to

440
00:19:54,519 --> 00:19:57,240
do what I need you to do in order to

441
00:19:57,319 --> 00:19:59,640
build trust and to make sure I feel better?

442
00:19:59,839 --> 00:19:59,920
Speaker 1: Right?

443
00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:01,559
Speaker 2: Because if I can do what you need me to do,

444
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,119
I can think that you're reasoning for it. It's completely ridiculous,

445
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,720
which is fine because especially when it comes to men

446
00:20:06,759 --> 00:20:09,279
and women, they see life differently, and a lot of

447
00:20:09,319 --> 00:20:11,480
times women will want the guy to understand where they're

448
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,759
coming from, but men process the world differently, and a

449
00:20:14,759 --> 00:20:17,039
lot of times when my female clients tell me, you know,

450
00:20:17,079 --> 00:20:19,160
he doesn't get me and he judges everything that I feel,

451
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,799
I'm like, it's because he's processing the world differently. Is

452
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,799
he able to do what it is or is he

453
00:20:23,839 --> 00:20:25,440
willing to do what it is that you need in

454
00:20:25,519 --> 00:20:28,559
order to feel better, then that's what the solution is

455
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,799
because otherwise, if he is understanding and being like, yes,

456
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,839
I totally get it, I always tell them you're lucky

457
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:39,400
that or basically you can just trust that you're a

458
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,680
man will never leave you for another man because he's

459
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,519
behaving like a man. He's understanding the world like a

460
00:20:44,559 --> 00:20:49,119
man does. So it's just it's so important to stay away.

461
00:20:48,799 --> 00:20:54,799
Speaker 4: From I'm just saying that, like, if he's processing the

462
00:20:54,799 --> 00:20:57,039
world in a similar way where he's understanding all your

463
00:20:57,079 --> 00:21:01,319
feelings and which I'm not saying that straight guys can't

464
00:21:01,319 --> 00:21:01,480
do that.

465
00:21:01,519 --> 00:21:03,279
Speaker 2: Of course they can. They're gonna understand it.

466
00:21:03,319 --> 00:21:03,720
Speaker 3: They can be.

467
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,960
Speaker 2: Compassionate, but there's gonna be many times that they think

468
00:21:06,039 --> 00:21:08,519
that you're that the way that you're reacting is ridiculous.

469
00:21:08,599 --> 00:21:09,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's okay.

470
00:21:09,839 --> 00:21:10,039
Speaker 1: Yeah.

471
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,240
Speaker 2: The important thing is are they willing to do what

472
00:21:12,319 --> 00:21:13,200
makes you feel better?

473
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:13,880
Speaker 1: No?

474
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:14,640
Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying.

475
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,960
Speaker 1: And that's the thing. And I think the thing that

476
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,319
we ran up against you is he said that he would,

477
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,079
he'd I'll do anything, I'll change anything, all blah blah,

478
00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:22,680
blah blah. And then I gave him a list of

479
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,200
like this is what I need, and then he couldn't

480
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,759
do it, you know what I mean. So it was

481
00:21:26,799 --> 00:21:29,039
like the actions and the words were different. I was

482
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:31,640
listening to the words for so long and not the actions.

483
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,920
And that's that's the worst thing in the world, you know,

484
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:39,039
Like to just feel unsafe in a relationship. It's like,

485
00:21:39,079 --> 00:21:41,440
I'd rather just feel unsafe by myself.

486
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,880
Speaker 2: No, And that's that's the follow through because but that

487
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,519
then determines for you, is this person gonna be able

488
00:21:47,559 --> 00:21:49,640
to have the relationship that I know that I'm capable

489
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,319
of having, right, And that establishes that and earlier on

490
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,519
you can establish that by using this solution oriented communication

491
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,480
like in the dating process.

492
00:21:58,759 --> 00:22:01,720
Speaker 1: But like, how fucking annoying is it that we have

493
00:22:01,799 --> 00:22:04,599
to tell guys not to follow every girl they've ever fucked.

494
00:22:04,599 --> 00:22:06,720
Can you imagine if I followed every guy I ever fucked?

495
00:22:06,839 --> 00:22:08,920
Can you imagine if I just followed the Los Angeles

496
00:22:09,039 --> 00:22:12,359
Lakers and I was like interacting with every single one

497
00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:14,319
of their pictures, being like, hey, I'm still here, I'm

498
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:16,319
still here. Remember when we smashed. I'm still here.

499
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,200
Speaker 3: That is understandable that that is a frustrating.

500
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, and I think too. I think too. I

501
00:22:22,559 --> 00:22:25,279
feel bad for anyone who comes next, because Chris was

502
00:22:25,319 --> 00:22:28,880
such a wonderful partner and he was so like, I'm

503
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,279
not kidding you when other girls would talk to him

504
00:22:31,279 --> 00:22:32,519
and they would hit on him all the time. He's

505
00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:34,720
so handsome, he would like look into the distance like

506
00:22:34,759 --> 00:22:37,839
he was seasick on a boat, Like he really would

507
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,880
not even like make it was so he was so

508
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,599
well trained. And then to like go to the complete opposite,

509
00:22:42,599 --> 00:22:45,799
which is like someone who's following all these girls, interacting

510
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:48,400
with all these girls, going out late, having after parties

511
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,160
with random girls over like just doing all this stuff.

512
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,720
I just am like, how did I get here? But

513
00:22:53,759 --> 00:22:57,279
I guess it's because I swung. Well, the thing is

514
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,680
twelve years in the other direction, but you can.

515
00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:02,000
Speaker 2: This is where the astrology comes in for me, at least,

516
00:23:02,039 --> 00:23:04,880
This is why when I look at Chris's chart, I'm

517
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,440
gonna know naturally his way of seeing the world and

518
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,319
processing the world is if he's in a relationship, he

519
00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:13,799
already puts those those guardrails up, you know, like he's

520
00:23:13,839 --> 00:23:16,799
a scorpion. His moon is cancer. That's that when it

521
00:23:16,839 --> 00:23:19,279
comes to like my moon is cancer also, So when

522
00:23:19,279 --> 00:23:21,599
it comes to relationships, you're like, these are the yeses

523
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:22,720
and no's, these are the rules.

524
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,559
Speaker 3: They're very clear. So and that's fine.

525
00:23:25,599 --> 00:23:27,400
Speaker 2: That's great when you're with somebody who has that, because

526
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,920
then you don't have to have those conversations regarding those things.

527
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:31,599
Speaker 3: But you don't have to.

528
00:23:31,759 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 2: I mean, you're not gonna have to tell every single

529
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,960
person to unfollow everybody. It's just saying, like establishing for

530
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:40,319
yourself what you know your clear parameters are, and then

531
00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:42,519
communicating those in a way to see if they're capable

532
00:23:42,519 --> 00:23:44,599
of doing that, you know, And it's like if they're

533
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,519
in a relationship and they want to put the health

534
00:23:48,519 --> 00:23:52,279
of the relationship as a priority, then why would it

535
00:23:52,279 --> 00:23:55,440
even be a problem, you know, So I just think

536
00:23:55,519 --> 00:23:58,720
it's it's so it's just really sad to me right

537
00:23:58,759 --> 00:24:02,079
now because the frustration and that I see with everybody

538
00:24:02,279 --> 00:24:05,400
when it comes to relationships. You know, they'll comment on

539
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,640
We'll see a post or something about a relationship or

540
00:24:08,799 --> 00:24:10,519
or a couple fighting or something like I'm so glad

541
00:24:10,559 --> 00:24:12,559
I'm single, and I'm like, it's because you're looking at

542
00:24:12,599 --> 00:24:15,119
a horrible relationship. It's like me watching one of those

543
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:16,200
videos of.

544
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 1: It's like you watching the Titanic and being like, I'm

545
00:24:18,279 --> 00:24:19,960
so glad I'm not on a cruise exactly.

546
00:24:20,079 --> 00:24:23,880
Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly the point. It doesn't make any sense. So,

547
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,480
I mean it makes sense, but it's like, if you

548
00:24:25,519 --> 00:24:28,640
actually look at a good relationship, which is possible, and

549
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,319
understand how to have one, then you're thinking, I would

550
00:24:31,319 --> 00:24:33,599
love to have a teammate that I can play the

551
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:39,119
game of life with and to go towards every problem

552
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,880
with as a team and solve every problem and experience.

553
00:24:42,039 --> 00:24:43,720
Speaker 1: So that's another great thing that you talk about in

554
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,599
this book, which is approaching problems as us versus the

555
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,880
problem rather than us versus each other.

556
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:52,279
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly. And mindset shift, the mindset.

557
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,519
Speaker 1: Mindset shift. I think that's so poignant because I think

558
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,799
oftentimes and like, you know, whatever however we're raised, whatever

559
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,599
fight or flight is in our systems, Like when we

560
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:02,799
get into conflict, it's easy to be like go into

561
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,920
survival mode and self preservation, and sometimes you're preserving yourself

562
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,319
against the person that you're supposed to be on a

563
00:25:09,319 --> 00:25:11,720
team with and in a partnership with, and that gets

564
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,240
into a really tricky space when you are fighting against

565
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,160
each other rather than with each other to figure the

566
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:16,799
problem out.

567
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 3: Exactly. Yeah.

568
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,559
Speaker 2: The thing is that the very first step before I

569
00:25:19,599 --> 00:25:23,720
even go into the what the actual solutionary into communication

570
00:25:23,759 --> 00:25:26,160
steps are, the first thing is the mindset shift, which

571
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:30,079
is changing from me versus you to us versus the problem.

572
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,920
Because like you were saying, when you would explain what

573
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,240
you were upset about, you would then explain why it

574
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,680
was wrong, So then it became a debate about you know,

575
00:25:37,759 --> 00:25:38,240
whether you.

576
00:25:38,319 --> 00:25:39,839
Speaker 3: Two even agreed that it was wrong.

577
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,240
Speaker 2: And that's where the me versus you always comes from,

578
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,519
because it's like I have my perspective, you have your perspective.

579
00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:49,960
Let's argue that perspective now, and which takes you completely

580
00:25:50,039 --> 00:25:52,200
off course of what the original issue was, which is

581
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,559
you're not okay with a certain behavior, right. The only

582
00:25:55,599 --> 00:25:59,920
thing that solves problems is behavior change, not a stack

583
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:00,920
valid points.

584
00:26:01,079 --> 00:26:01,200
Speaker 3: Right.

585
00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:04,279
Speaker 2: So it's like, in order to get the behavior change,

586
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:08,680
then you have to request that behavior change specifically and clearly,

587
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,480
and and yeah, and doing it in a way though

588
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:13,079
that's not.

589
00:26:13,079 --> 00:26:16,119
Speaker 1: No, just like no, just be fucking normal.

590
00:26:16,319 --> 00:26:19,119
Speaker 2: But the thing is, that's another thing that I get

591
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,000
a lot, especially from women, which is like I don't

592
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,200
want to have to tell him. Aren't some things just

593
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:26,279
common sense? The thing is, it's like, it's not common

594
00:26:26,319 --> 00:26:29,759
sense to know how you specifically need to be loved,

595
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,680
do you know what I mean? Like, there's how many

596
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,160
billions of people are there on the planet. You cannot

597
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,119
say it's common sense to know exactly how Britney needs

598
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:39,480
to be loved and to feel loved.

599
00:26:39,599 --> 00:26:42,599
Speaker 1: So why not takes like really really, the bar is

600
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,359
like so fucking low, it's almost in hell.

601
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:47,880
Speaker 2: But then it should then it should be easy to explain.

602
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,079
Because the thing is, once you get these things out

603
00:26:50,079 --> 00:26:53,279
of the way early on, you realize later in the relationship.

604
00:26:53,559 --> 00:26:56,680
You rarely fight, I promise you, because the thing is,

605
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,240
the fights are usually, like you said, little pieces of

606
00:26:59,279 --> 00:27:02,559
resentment that have they resolved, continuing to be fed. But

607
00:27:02,599 --> 00:27:05,480
they're usually on the same topic. But the thing is

608
00:27:05,559 --> 00:27:08,279
if you resolve them early on, because I call it

609
00:27:08,319 --> 00:27:11,160
the three phases of a relationship are the fantasy phase,

610
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,440
which you clearly were going through when you were telling

611
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,359
me you were moving across the country.

612
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:18,440
Speaker 1: You all was packed up, and everybody goes to the

613
00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:20,200
lesbian speed in this.

614
00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 5: Relationship, Like I was just like, wow, we're exactly That's why,

615
00:27:24,839 --> 00:27:26,200
that's why I have a girl crush right now, I

616
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:27,240
think maybe I'm a lesbian.

617
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,839
Speaker 2: Now, okay, that is absolutely not what you're not a lesbian,

618
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:34,359
I mean lesbian moment lesbian. I absolutely don't judge. All

619
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:36,039
relationships should be all relationships.

620
00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:38,359
Speaker 3: But the thing is is that.

621
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,119
Speaker 1: That was the most nothing sandwich of a sentence. All

622
00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:42,359
relationships should be all relationship.

623
00:27:43,279 --> 00:27:46,640
Speaker 2: What I mean, I always have a stroke every time

624
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,759
you and I talk. That was that was my stroke

625
00:27:49,839 --> 00:27:53,279
during this, during this moment. But all relationships do not

626
00:27:53,799 --> 00:27:56,519
should be able to exist totally no judgment.

627
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,079
Speaker 1: So but every time you see me, I'm eating pussy.

628
00:27:59,279 --> 00:28:00,960
Just no, I told just the.

629
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,160
Speaker 2: Congratulations I could.

630
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,160
Speaker 1: And where will we see this exactly?

631
00:28:06,759 --> 00:28:07,279
Speaker 3: Where will we.

632
00:28:07,279 --> 00:28:10,119
Speaker 1: See this exactly? The exact stream.

633
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,680
Speaker 2: But once you get through the fantasy phase and then

634
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,000
you get to the fix it phase, that's the phase

635
00:28:17,039 --> 00:28:19,319
that most people don't get out of because that's when

636
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,119
everything comes up that is meant to come up.

637
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:24,759
Speaker 3: So and there's I think that.

638
00:28:24,799 --> 00:28:27,839
Speaker 1: I had a bunch of questions about this, by the way,

639
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,519
three phases of a relationship. Yeah, yeah, we are okay.

640
00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:35,119
Speaker 2: But the thing is, I have a quote from Gabra

641
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:38,160
Mate that I think is really important for people.

642
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,559
Speaker 1: To I really like this in the chapter five the

643
00:28:40,599 --> 00:28:43,880
follow through when you're talking about honoring an agreement is

644
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,519
about integrity. If you say yes, it matters. So like

645
00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:48,920
when you are doing when you're like okay, when you're

646
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,400
on the other side of an argument and you're like

647
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,519
this is what I need and they say they'll give

648
00:28:52,519 --> 00:28:55,440
it to you, and then they immediately don't. It's I

649
00:28:55,759 --> 00:28:59,079
feel like that, then is there them showing you their character?

650
00:28:59,599 --> 00:28:59,720
Speaker 2: Right?

651
00:29:00,079 --> 00:29:00,640
Speaker 3: Absolutely?

652
00:29:00,759 --> 00:29:03,279
Speaker 1: But then also question for you because I always say

653
00:29:03,279 --> 00:29:07,279
this thing, I say, when when someone shows you who

654
00:29:07,359 --> 00:29:09,720
they are you have to believe it the first time. Okay,

655
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:11,039
how do you feel about that?

656
00:29:12,319 --> 00:29:12,759
Speaker 3: All right?

657
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,079
Speaker 2: So this is why I think the deal breakers are

658
00:29:15,079 --> 00:29:17,559
so important. Okay, because the thing is, if I'm going

659
00:29:17,599 --> 00:29:19,519
into relationship with you and I know what my deal

660
00:29:19,519 --> 00:29:22,799
breakers are, if you break if you break one of

661
00:29:22,799 --> 00:29:25,680
my deals now, but if you execute one of the

662
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,440
deal breakers, then yeah, I see who you are.

663
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:27,920
Speaker 3: I'm done.

664
00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,319
Speaker 2: But we also have to understand we're all a work

665
00:29:30,319 --> 00:29:34,319
in progress. There's going to be things that a person

666
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,400
does that you don't like, and that may be who

667
00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:39,119
they are right then at that moment. And I'm not

668
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:40,920
saying fall in love with potential, and I'm not saying

669
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,200
get someone to change for you, but I am saying,

670
00:29:43,519 --> 00:29:46,079
if you express to them how that makes you feel,

671
00:29:46,279 --> 00:29:48,640
and give them the opportunity to understand what would make

672
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,000
you feel better, and they're saying, Okay, I didn't know

673
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:53,039
what made you feel that way. I totally get that,

674
00:29:53,319 --> 00:29:55,319
I'm perfectly willing to do something different to make you

675
00:29:55,319 --> 00:29:55,880
feel better.

676
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:57,319
Speaker 3: Then not only have.

677
00:29:57,359 --> 00:30:00,440
Speaker 2: You just built trust in the relationship, but then that's

678
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:03,119
where growth really happens, because think about it, you're not

679
00:30:03,119 --> 00:30:06,480
who you were five years ago, but if I judged

680
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,559
you based on your behavior at that time, does that mean.

681
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:12,319
Speaker 1: That I've gotten worse?

682
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:15,960
Speaker 2: So the thing that I'm saying is that you have not.

683
00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:18,799
Speaker 3: You have not got worse.

684
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:21,519
Speaker 2: The thing is is that if you are judging someone

685
00:30:21,559 --> 00:30:24,680
on their behavior without giving them the opportunity to show

686
00:30:24,759 --> 00:30:27,519
you that once they understand how it makes you feel,

687
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,799
that they're willing to grow and change with you, then

688
00:30:30,839 --> 00:30:33,680
I think you're doing yourself a disservice because it's too

689
00:30:34,039 --> 00:30:37,039
easy to cut and run, which is a lot of

690
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:40,160
tactics called the breakup reflex. I used to be that

691
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:41,880
person I was. I was in a relationship where I

692
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,640
was called backpack boy because every time I got pissed,

693
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,279
I would like always carry to chance or yeah, I

694
00:30:46,279 --> 00:30:48,519
would pack my chit up and I'm out. This is

695
00:30:48,559 --> 00:30:51,039
not working for me. But the thing is that robs

696
00:30:51,079 --> 00:30:55,599
you from the opportunity a to reflect, establish what you need,

697
00:30:55,799 --> 00:30:59,279
communicate it effectively, and give that person the opportunity to

698
00:30:59,319 --> 00:31:01,920
be a part of this, because if they can, you

699
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:05,240
two have just grown together and then they change by default,

700
00:31:05,319 --> 00:31:07,359
not by you saying either you do this or I'm out.

701
00:31:07,599 --> 00:31:10,160
Speaker 1: You know, do you think I was? Do you think

702
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:10,960
I just cut and run.

703
00:31:11,519 --> 00:31:13,799
Speaker 2: Absolutely not, because the thing is, I think one of

704
00:31:13,839 --> 00:31:16,720
your deal breakers is cheating. Yeah, basically because when you

705
00:31:16,759 --> 00:31:17,200
called me.

706
00:31:17,279 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 1: The thing is, we have different definitions of cheating. He

707
00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,680
does not think what he did is cheating. He said

708
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:24,079
it was never sexual and there was never any ill intent.

709
00:31:24,599 --> 00:31:25,960
So he's like, I never cheated.

710
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 3: On this definition doesn't matter.

711
00:31:27,119 --> 00:31:28,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, And this is what I'm saying that when it

712
00:31:28,799 --> 00:31:31,960
comes to your deal breakers, people don't have to agree

713
00:31:32,279 --> 00:31:35,160
on what the other person is establishing. That's what That's

714
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,319
the whole point of this. It's like, if you know

715
00:31:37,359 --> 00:31:39,440
your deal breaker is cheating and this is what cheating

716
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,680
is to you, and he's clear on that and he

717
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:44,079
does it, then you're not cutting and running. You're saying, like,

718
00:31:44,119 --> 00:31:46,279
I already told you this doesn't work for me, right, But.

719
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,599
Speaker 1: I guess I never told him. But I can't believe

720
00:31:49,599 --> 00:31:51,559
I would have to tell anyone that, Like, you can't

721
00:31:51,559 --> 00:31:55,079
get half naked pictures from your best friend and she

722
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:56,920
can't say how harny does this make you.

723
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,680
Speaker 2: The reason you can't believe that, though, is because for you,

724
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,279
that's deal breaker. I will tell you from experience, there

725
00:32:03,319 --> 00:32:07,160
are relationships where they can that's not a deal breaker

726
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:08,759
for them. It's something that they might get irritated by,

727
00:32:08,839 --> 00:32:10,920
but they work through it. But that's not for you,

728
00:32:11,279 --> 00:32:13,279
and it doesn't need to be. That's what I remember

729
00:32:13,279 --> 00:32:15,240
when when I called you from Vegas, my favorite place

730
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:17,880
on the planet. Yeah, what I called you from Vegas

731
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:19,640
and we were talking it through and I was saying

732
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:21,359
to you, I was like, Okay, the only way through

733
00:32:21,359 --> 00:32:22,759
this because you were telling me like, there's no way

734
00:32:22,799 --> 00:32:24,359
through this. It's like once you do that, I'm never

735
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,279
going to be able to trust you. And I was like, Okay,

736
00:32:26,279 --> 00:32:28,240
the only way through it if you wanted to entertain

737
00:32:28,279 --> 00:32:31,200
this idea is to establish what he could do to

738
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,880
earn your trust back. But you were basically saying there's

739
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,160
no way for him to earn your trust back.

740
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 1: But then I did maybe I didn't update you.

741
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,279
Speaker 2: Well, I said, went to your last podcast and you

742
00:32:40,279 --> 00:32:42,799
said you did give him those options and he broke

743
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:43,720
those Yeah.

744
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,720
Speaker 1: Five days record time. It was like the Usain Bolt

745
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,440
of fucking breaking that bucket.

746
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,279
Speaker 2: Then that is that is absolutely someone showing you that

747
00:32:51,319 --> 00:32:54,640
they're incapable of honoring their word, and for.

748
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 3: You, that's a deal breaker.

749
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,359
Speaker 2: So so that's why I'm just saying when you say,

750
00:32:58,519 --> 00:33:00,559
if someone shows you who they are, believe them the

751
00:33:00,559 --> 00:33:03,680
first time when it comes to certain things, Yes, but

752
00:33:03,759 --> 00:33:07,039
not across the board, because I just know we all

753
00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:09,319
need understanding that, like I said, we're all a work

754
00:33:09,359 --> 00:33:12,359
in progress. And if someone looked at me and my

755
00:33:12,599 --> 00:33:15,039
relationships when I was being backpack boy and be like,

756
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,960
he's incapable of dealing with what's going on because he's cut,

757
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,359
he's running every time, and didn't give me the opportunity

758
00:33:21,359 --> 00:33:23,559
to show them differently, then I would have missed out

759
00:33:23,599 --> 00:33:27,640
on the best relationship of my life. So I do

760
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,039
think it's important. A good example. Somebody that we know

761
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:34,680
I won't even but we know them. They're a common

762
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,039
person that we know. I'm not going to name the

763
00:33:36,079 --> 00:33:37,319
name because I don't want them to get pissed that

764
00:33:37,319 --> 00:33:39,240
they see this, even though it's not nothing bad. But

765
00:33:39,359 --> 00:33:41,119
I saw that she went on a date and she

766
00:33:41,279 --> 00:33:42,799
was saying that the guy when he took her on

767
00:33:42,839 --> 00:33:46,279
a date, it was like to some it was like

768
00:33:46,319 --> 00:33:48,640
either a coffee shop or a fast food place or whatever. Anyway,

769
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,279
she was basically saying, if you think this is what

770
00:33:50,799 --> 00:33:53,359
I'm worth, then I don't want to be with you

771
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,640
never told him that. Hey, when we went on that date,

772
00:33:57,839 --> 00:33:59,920
it was cool, but just so you know, it makes

773
00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:02,519
me feel really special if we go to a place

774
00:34:02,599 --> 00:34:04,880
like whatever, giving him the opportunity to say, oh, I

775
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:06,960
had no idea that that's what you would like. Yeah,

776
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,440
because the guy might be thinking, I don't know her.

777
00:34:09,639 --> 00:34:11,960
We're just gonna meet each other, you know, for a

778
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,480
quick little moment to see if we connect. There's so

779
00:34:14,559 --> 00:34:15,639
many things that could be going on.

780
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, there are so many women, and I'm interested to

781
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,480
know what the listeners think too. There are so many

782
00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:24,519
women who think a coffee as a first date is

783
00:34:24,559 --> 00:34:28,320
a deal breaker, right. I think it is a blessing

784
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:32,320
because there's nothing worse than a dinner first date. And like,

785
00:34:32,360 --> 00:34:35,000
you can get along with someone great over text, and

786
00:34:35,039 --> 00:34:36,840
then you meet him in real life and you know

787
00:34:37,039 --> 00:34:39,920
in like forty five seconds that it's not a vibe, right,

788
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,639
and then you're stuck there for a whole dinner, and

789
00:34:41,679 --> 00:34:43,239
I'm like, now he has to watch me eat fucking

790
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,840
meat balls, Like I don't exactly I want to do this,

791
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:49,239
So I don't understand. I'm curious to know where the

792
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,599
like the walk first date and the coffee. First date

793
00:34:51,679 --> 00:34:55,000
got such a bad reputation because people get fucking pissed.

794
00:34:55,039 --> 00:34:55,840
Speaker 3: They get so.

795
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,440
Speaker 2: Pissed about it and they take it personally and then

796
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,480
they do the whole Well, I see what this person

797
00:34:59,599 --> 00:35:02,039
is capable, I see what they're all about, or like

798
00:35:02,079 --> 00:35:03,719
you said, they're showing me who they are, this is

799
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,320
their character, when it could just be a difference in opinion.

800
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:08,920
Like you said, you would love that version of a

801
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,559
date because you're not stuck talking to somebody where you're like,

802
00:35:11,599 --> 00:35:13,920
get me the fuck out of here. Yeah, but that's

803
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:17,599
why the communication is so important. If you then decide, Okay,

804
00:35:17,599 --> 00:35:19,400
this is something that matters to me. I established a

805
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,519
lovel of importance because I liked the person was attractive,

806
00:35:22,559 --> 00:35:24,320
they seem like they had a good personality. Let me

807
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,159
share with them, you know what, when we had that date,

808
00:35:26,199 --> 00:35:28,800
it was cool, but I would love it if you know,

809
00:35:29,199 --> 00:35:31,679
then letting them know, giving them the opportunity to show

810
00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:33,840
you Okay, great, you go on the next day, they

811
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,880
do exactly what it is you specifically let them know

812
00:35:37,119 --> 00:35:39,800
that you would enjoy and then you have not only

813
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,480
built some trust with this person, but if you feel

814
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,679
safer with them, you feel like you can communicate more

815
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:47,119
openly because they didn't start saying to you, that's ridiculous

816
00:35:47,199 --> 00:35:49,960
or why would you like that. It's like, you give

817
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:51,800
the other person the opportunity to show you that they're

818
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:56,000
capable of growth, which is necessary in every single relationship

819
00:35:56,199 --> 00:35:59,280
no matter who you are, because I've been the crazy

820
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,880
one in relationship, I've been the same one. I've been,

821
00:36:03,079 --> 00:36:06,400
you know, all versions, all types of relationships, and throughout

822
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,239
my life seeing that and then also with doing what

823
00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:11,559
I do now and working with couples. If you don't

824
00:36:11,559 --> 00:36:15,039
give the other person the opportunity to understand what it

825
00:36:15,119 --> 00:36:19,280
is that you need specifically, then you're robbing yourself and

826
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,159
the relationship of the opportunity for the growth that it deserves.

827
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:23,039
Speaker 3: You did that.

828
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 2: You did it not necessarily in the step by step away,

829
00:36:26,119 --> 00:36:28,480
but you did it by default by saying once the

830
00:36:28,559 --> 00:36:31,079
shit hit the fan and you said, okay, the only

831
00:36:31,119 --> 00:36:34,119
way this can work is if and then he broke

832
00:36:34,199 --> 00:36:37,599
that agreement, then yeah, that's sorry, we can't have this

833
00:36:37,679 --> 00:36:41,800
relationship because you're not capable. That's a definitive, not a

834
00:36:42,079 --> 00:36:45,519
reading into that is like a black and white. You

835
00:36:45,599 --> 00:36:48,119
can't keep your word, so we can't be.

836
00:36:48,199 --> 00:36:49,320
Speaker 3: Together, you know.

837
00:36:49,599 --> 00:36:52,599
Speaker 1: Yeah, all you have in this life is your word exactly.

838
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:55,519
You can't keep your word. It's like the Four Agreements.

839
00:36:55,519 --> 00:36:56,480
Have you ever read that book?

840
00:36:56,639 --> 00:36:56,840
Speaker 3: Yes?

841
00:36:57,239 --> 00:36:59,559
Speaker 1: Yes, It's like one of the most important things is

842
00:36:59,599 --> 00:37:00,840
being able to keep your word.

843
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:01,760
Speaker 3: It's so true.

844
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,480
Speaker 2: It's so true, and that is what establishes trust, and

845
00:37:04,519 --> 00:37:08,159
that's what builds trust. But I just think that it's

846
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:11,280
right now more than ever. We really need something that's

847
00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:14,960
simple and understandable for people to be able to communicate

848
00:37:15,159 --> 00:37:17,719
because I just it makes me so sad because I

849
00:37:18,079 --> 00:37:20,199
relationships are the most important thing in the world to me,

850
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:22,079
and this is what I love about you, seriously, one

851
00:37:22,119 --> 00:37:24,519
of the many things I love about you. You will

852
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,239
go through some shit in a relationship and get right

853
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:29,000
back on the horse.

854
00:37:29,199 --> 00:37:30,440
Speaker 1: I'm so excited today.

855
00:37:30,599 --> 00:37:34,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm so literally like you, I'm not letting this

856
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:35,960
motherfucker ruin my perspective.

857
00:37:37,559 --> 00:37:40,400
Speaker 1: I'm a big age, I'm a big old age, and

858
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,480
it's like I got a few hot girl summers left

859
00:37:42,519 --> 00:37:44,440
in me and this is one of them. I'm so

860
00:37:45,079 --> 00:37:46,960
excited to date in New York. I'm like, this is

861
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:47,800
gonna be so fun.

862
00:37:48,079 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 2: Yes, And the reason that you can have that perspective

863
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,800
is because you know that one person's behavior doesn't set

864
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:55,840
the tone for what all relationships are about.

865
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:58,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, and this is I think maybe the first breakup

866
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,760
that I went through where I didn't it dissolving, didn't

867
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,159
feel like a reflection of my worth, you know what

868
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:09,440
I mean, Like I didn't question my worth at any point.

869
00:38:09,599 --> 00:38:11,920
I never was like, Oh, he's doing X, Y and Z,

870
00:38:12,079 --> 00:38:14,119
He's giving these other girls this kind of attention that

871
00:38:14,159 --> 00:38:15,960
I don't like. Is it because I'm not enough?

872
00:38:16,599 --> 00:38:16,719
Speaker 3: No?

873
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,760
Speaker 1: I literally was just like, no, he's actually like showing

874
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,639
me that, like he's not enough, you know, and that

875
00:38:22,679 --> 00:38:24,920
maybe he like outkicked his coverage a little with me

876
00:38:25,119 --> 00:38:27,239
and he's not ready to be the man that I need.

877
00:38:27,519 --> 00:38:30,039
And that's okay too. It's like we're also at very

878
00:38:30,079 --> 00:38:33,159
different phases in our life. You know, he's nine years

879
00:38:33,199 --> 00:38:36,679
younger than me on most days, ten years today.

880
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,320
Speaker 2: You know, you gave him the opportunity though, to be

881
00:38:39,519 --> 00:38:42,119
that man's Yeah, yeah, but you can't.

882
00:38:42,119 --> 00:38:44,119
Speaker 1: That's the other thing. You can't make someone grow up

883
00:38:44,119 --> 00:38:46,840
when they're not ready, you know. And I think about

884
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:50,360
myself and that satturn return year too, you know, because

885
00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,440
he's twenty seven, twenty eight, he's going through the Saturn

886
00:38:52,519 --> 00:38:55,920
return that is the most profound growth and change maybe

887
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,639
in a person's life, and he just has to go

888
00:38:58,719 --> 00:39:00,280
through it, and he has to feel like, can you

889
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,119
actually explain Saturn return to everyone?

890
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:03,079
Speaker 3: The thing is Saturn.

891
00:39:03,119 --> 00:39:06,199
Speaker 2: If you look at the planet Saturn like your father planet,

892
00:39:06,199 --> 00:39:10,079
the one that's meant to teach you like responsibility and restrictions.

893
00:39:10,199 --> 00:39:12,119
Because the Moon is like the mother planet, that's the

894
00:39:12,119 --> 00:39:15,440
one that teaches us emotionally how to behave or how

895
00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:18,199
we express ourselves emotionally in that understanding and learning, but

896
00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:24,519
Saturn is the planet that is basically all about responsibility, obstacles, restrictions,

897
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:28,159
lessons to be learned. And so wherever Saturn was when

898
00:39:28,159 --> 00:39:30,840
you were born is going to tell you in what

899
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:34,119
way that's going to manifest in your life. So when

900
00:39:34,159 --> 00:39:37,800
Saturn comes back around, which only happens every like thirty

901
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,679
years or something. I don't know the exact number because

902
00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:43,239
it's a it varies a little bit. But the thing

903
00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:46,000
is when Saturn comes back around and is in the

904
00:39:46,039 --> 00:39:47,960
same sign it was in when you were born, that's

905
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,960
your Saturn return, and that's those are the years and

906
00:39:51,159 --> 00:39:52,599
we only have like three of them. If you live

907
00:39:52,639 --> 00:39:56,760
to like ninety, then it's like you when Saturn returns,

908
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:58,920
that's a year, or that's it's more than a year.

909
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:01,079
But it's like a phase of your life life where

910
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:06,559
you are going to meet obstacles consistently that are giving

911
00:40:06,559 --> 00:40:09,760
you the opportunity to grow. That's why this relationship for

912
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:13,119
him is an absolute growth opportunity.

913
00:40:13,199 --> 00:40:15,639
Speaker 1: It's a gold mine. I think, like, I mean truly,

914
00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:17,480
this breakup for him, I think is going to change

915
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:19,800
his life. Yes, And I don't say that because I'm

916
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,239
conceded and I think I'm so self important, but I

917
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:25,599
do think it is. You know, it is going to

918
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:28,400
change him profoundly for the better. And I kind of

919
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:30,800
hate that about like the relationships I've been in where

920
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:33,000
I have to like walk away for the change to happen.

921
00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,559
But like all the things that I complained about in

922
00:40:35,559 --> 00:40:38,280
my first marriage or wanted him to do differently, and

923
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:40,880
you know, he just didn't. When I walked away, that

924
00:40:41,039 --> 00:40:43,320
was the impetus for change. And now he is the

925
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,719
man that I you know what I mean, that's the

926
00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:49,079
man that I was like, come on, buddy, like all

927
00:40:49,079 --> 00:40:52,400
seven years and.

928
00:40:51,519 --> 00:40:53,639
Speaker 2: The thing is though, as you move forward in your relationships,

929
00:40:53,679 --> 00:40:55,199
and as you learn lessons and as you go in,

930
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,639
as you change, the next relationship that you manifest could

931
00:40:58,679 --> 00:41:01,039
be a situation that when you do communicate what it

932
00:41:01,079 --> 00:41:04,559
is that you need, uh huh, then that change can happen. Well, yeah,

933
00:41:04,599 --> 00:41:05,760
given the circumstances.

934
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaker 1: That's the thing too. I'm so excited and not to

935
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,440
say I'm still so sad and mourning this relationship any

936
00:41:11,679 --> 00:41:14,639
but I'm so excited because I feel like every meaningful

937
00:41:14,679 --> 00:41:17,559
relationship I have, I learn so much, yes, and I

938
00:41:17,639 --> 00:41:19,639
grow so much, and I feel like from this one,

939
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:23,760
like I just I'm so strong. I'm strong enough to

940
00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:26,480
walk away. You know, I do it in really tough

941
00:41:26,559 --> 00:41:30,239
times and horrible circumstances. But like, why am I so

942
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:33,480
strong to walk away? Which is harder than just speaking

943
00:41:33,719 --> 00:41:37,159
my needs and my truth in the beginning of the relationship,

944
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,039
you know, Like, why is there that part of me

945
00:41:39,119 --> 00:41:40,880
that like is such a people pleaser and I don't

946
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:42,559
want to like step on their toes or hurt their

947
00:41:42,559 --> 00:41:43,840
feelings or seem crazy.

948
00:41:44,159 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 2: That's the thing that's it, right that you just said it,

949
00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:48,519
Because the thing is, especially when it comes to women,

950
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:52,119
when they express their feelings. They want to feel like

951
00:41:52,159 --> 00:41:55,159
I was talking about earlier understood. They don't want to

952
00:41:55,199 --> 00:41:58,360
feel like the person's thinking, oh, they're crazy, they're so dramatic,

953
00:41:58,519 --> 00:42:00,559
they're so high maintenance, and they don't want to scare

954
00:42:00,599 --> 00:42:02,239
them off. To a certain degree, it's like they don't

955
00:42:02,239 --> 00:42:04,519
want them to get the wrong impression. So you're willing

956
00:42:04,559 --> 00:42:06,440
to hold on to what you're feeling for fear that

957
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:09,880
it's going to be misinterpreted. That's why, given the tools,

958
00:42:10,039 --> 00:42:13,239
you're basically just saying, given this method of communication, you're saying,

959
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:15,239
this is how I feel. I'm not even saying that

960
00:42:15,239 --> 00:42:17,199
what you're doing is wrong. It's almost like if you're

961
00:42:17,199 --> 00:42:20,400
talking about texting all those women or whatever, or following

962
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,800
all those women, it's like you're not necessarily saying that

963
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:25,280
it's wrong. You're just saying it doesn't work for you.

964
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,599
Speaker 1: It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good when I

965
00:42:27,639 --> 00:42:31,000
look at these women like half Knight in their swimsuits

966
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:33,480
on a fucking yacht. Yes, I'm like, what about me

967
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,679
in a canoe?

968
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:38,639
Speaker 2: A canoe?

969
00:42:39,119 --> 00:42:40,440
Speaker 1: You should be liking that picture.

970
00:42:40,559 --> 00:42:43,440
Speaker 2: So when you established that that's how it makes you feel,

971
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:45,480
you don't have to argue whether it's right or wrong.

972
00:42:45,559 --> 00:42:48,280
You're just saying, are you willing to stop this behavior?

973
00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:50,320
Then they don't have to You don't have to have

974
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:53,760
the argument. So now you can move forward and not

975
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:56,239
be afraid to express what you feel because it's not

976
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:59,000
even it doesn't even matter how it's interpreted. Your feelings

977
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:02,239
are always valid. It's like you expressing that you're sad.

978
00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:04,639
I can't say, no, you're not sad. But if you

979
00:43:04,679 --> 00:43:07,800
say I'm sad because you're an asshole, then you think

980
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:11,320
that's a feeling. That's not a feeling, that's now a thought,

981
00:43:11,519 --> 00:43:13,559
and we can debate that because we can debate whether

982
00:43:13,599 --> 00:43:15,280
I think I'm an asshole or not. You know, And

983
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:17,440
the thing is women. A lot of times will I

984
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:19,239
need to keep jumping on women, But usually they're the

985
00:43:19,239 --> 00:43:21,800
ones with more of the complaints, And it's not because

986
00:43:22,159 --> 00:43:26,239
they're more emotional necessarily, it's just because they factor how

987
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:32,239
they're feeling more into establishing if the relationship is working

988
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:35,320
or not, and guys aren't going to give that much

989
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:36,000
weight to it.

990
00:43:36,079 --> 00:43:39,079
Speaker 1: But isn't that a good gauge, Like how you feel

991
00:43:39,079 --> 00:43:42,199
in a relationship really does determine how it's working.

992
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,880
Speaker 2: Or not absolutely absolutely. The thing what I'm saying, though,

993
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:48,039
is when guys are processing how they feel about the relationship,

994
00:43:48,119 --> 00:43:51,880
it's not based on little emotional cues or certain behaviors.

995
00:43:52,079 --> 00:43:53,800
It's more like, are we having fun together?

996
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:54,760
Speaker 3: Is you know?

997
00:43:54,880 --> 00:43:57,840
Speaker 2: Is she laughing and having a good time? And are

998
00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:58,920
we having good sex?

999
00:43:58,960 --> 00:43:59,679
Speaker 3: And is this fun?

1000
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:01,760
Speaker 2: Is this taking the stress out of my world? Does

1001
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:04,400
she think I'm smart? Does she trust my decisions? It's

1002
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:06,599
more things like that. So if those things were off,

1003
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:09,440
he's gonna have a problem with it. But he's not

1004
00:44:09,519 --> 00:44:11,760
reading emotional cues in the same way that women do,

1005
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:15,000
so they're gonna be affected more consistently. But when they are,

1006
00:44:15,159 --> 00:44:17,199
they need a safe space to be able to express

1007
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:20,639
that without it being met with judgment. Because every single

1008
00:44:20,639 --> 00:44:23,159
couple I work with it's usually that same thing. He's

1009
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:27,199
usually thinking, Okay, she's being crazy, she's overreacting, and she's

1010
00:44:27,239 --> 00:44:30,280
saying he's not understanding where I'm coming from, and that

1011
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,960
the way to bridge that gap is to take the

1012
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:36,440
conversation of whether she's validated in her feelings or whether

1013
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,840
she has the right to feel that way isn't even important.

1014
00:44:39,039 --> 00:44:40,599
It's like, do you care enough to do what it

1015
00:44:40,639 --> 00:44:43,159
would take to make her feel better. So that's why

1016
00:44:43,159 --> 00:44:45,519
I'm moving forward. You wouldn't think I don't want to

1017
00:44:45,559 --> 00:44:48,400
say anything because I'm afraid of what the reaction would be.

1018
00:44:49,119 --> 00:44:52,239
This takes the reaction completely off the table. You can't

1019
00:44:52,559 --> 00:44:55,360
if you use this method of communication, you can't gaslight,

1020
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,159
you can't manipulate because the thing is the only thing.

1021
00:44:58,599 --> 00:45:00,800
If we're using this together and you tell me how

1022
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:03,039
you feel, I can only say you have every right to.

1023
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:04,719
Speaker 3: Feel the way that you feel. What can I do

1024
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:05,519
to make you feel better?

1025
00:45:06,039 --> 00:45:07,679
Speaker 2: And I have couples that refuse to come to me

1026
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:09,960
anymore because it takes manipulation off the table.

1027
00:45:10,199 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 3: It's always the one who wants.

1028
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:13,679
Speaker 2: To talk it out because they feel like if they

1029
00:45:13,679 --> 00:45:16,199
talk enough, they can talk you right out of feeling

1030
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:18,320
how you feel. And you'll start questioning, well, maybe I

1031
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:21,000
am being a little too intense, or maybe I am

1032
00:45:21,039 --> 00:45:23,360
seeing it the wrong way, and it's like, no, this is.

1033
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:23,960
Speaker 3: How you feel.

1034
00:45:24,039 --> 00:45:26,000
Speaker 2: What do you need in order to feel better? So

1035
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:28,719
it's like I wanted to give the tools for people

1036
00:45:28,719 --> 00:45:31,199
to feel safe, to come to the table with what's

1037
00:45:31,239 --> 00:45:33,880
going on and look for solutions.

1038
00:45:34,639 --> 00:45:37,159
Speaker 1: So when do you think in a relationship, it's appropriate

1039
00:45:37,199 --> 00:45:39,400
to let your partner know your deal breakers.

1040
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:43,519
Speaker 2: I think early on it's so important. Really, I think

1041
00:45:43,599 --> 00:45:46,599
even this might sound a little extreme, but I think

1042
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:49,480
even by like the first or second date, because because

1043
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:51,800
a deal breaker isn't something. That's why I said if

1044
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:53,880
you only have three yeah, and I said.

1045
00:45:53,639 --> 00:45:54,239
Speaker 3: At most three.

1046
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:56,079
Speaker 2: Notice in the book, I said, with those three, because

1047
00:45:56,119 --> 00:45:57,480
really my only one is cheating.

1048
00:45:57,559 --> 00:45:57,800
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1049
00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,039
Speaker 2: I mean, of course I could be like when you

1050
00:45:59,079 --> 00:46:00,840
can't kill people, but it's like when you're gonna like

1051
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:02,360
sit across from a murder.

1052
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:04,519
Speaker 3: Somebody.

1053
00:46:04,519 --> 00:46:06,719
Speaker 2: I care about it, But like, the bottom line is

1054
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,800
the things that show up in relationships. So for me,

1055
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:11,519
the one is cheating on a first date. That's not like,

1056
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:13,360
oh he hates cheaters, I can't be I mean it's

1057
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:16,800
like if that scares somebody away, good, But if you

1058
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:21,719
established those early on, then there's clarity moving forward that

1059
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:24,280
you're not sure if you're making the right decision or not.

1060
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:26,159
And that's a lot of the time, well I don't

1061
00:46:26,199 --> 00:46:27,960
know if it's going to work, because I have clients

1062
00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:29,559
also that are like if I say, like, where you

1063
00:46:29,559 --> 00:46:32,960
guys committed, Well, I'm pretty sure we are because I

1064
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:35,199
don't think he has the time to be dating anybody else.

1065
00:46:35,239 --> 00:46:38,199
And it seems like and so I'm like, have you

1066
00:46:38,199 --> 00:46:41,440
you haven't had a specific Yes, you have to have

1067
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:46,159
a specific conversation about really everything everything. But but the

1068
00:46:46,199 --> 00:46:49,800
thing is it is only because you haven't yet experienced

1069
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:53,440
the fulfillment phase where once you do those things early

1070
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:55,119
on during the fix it phase, and you get those

1071
00:46:55,159 --> 00:46:59,199
out of the way, the problems are resolved because you've

1072
00:46:59,199 --> 00:47:01,760
already come up with agreement of what you're gonna do.

1073
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:05,159
Why are you looking at me with skepticism, Because the

1074
00:47:05,159 --> 00:47:06,840
thing is, if we've talked about it and we've come

1075
00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:08,639
up with an agreement of how we're gonna deal with

1076
00:47:08,639 --> 00:47:11,480
this moving forward, now you feel safe. Now the solution

1077
00:47:11,599 --> 00:47:13,800
is in place, that problem is not gonna come up again.

1078
00:47:14,559 --> 00:47:18,639
So the main the big problems don't keep coming up,

1079
00:47:18,679 --> 00:47:20,480
and you get to a fulfillment phase where it's like

1080
00:47:20,679 --> 00:47:22,800
we've gone months and months and months with no fights.

1081
00:47:23,239 --> 00:47:25,239
Maybe small little things where you get on each other's

1082
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:27,400
nerves or whatever you're in a bad mood, but it's like,

1083
00:47:27,599 --> 00:47:32,199
those aren't breakup fights. Those are just life happening. But

1084
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:33,639
when you work as a team and you work through

1085
00:47:33,679 --> 00:47:35,079
those and you know each other. That's the beauty of

1086
00:47:35,079 --> 00:47:39,400
having a relationship. So it feels annoying in concept to

1087
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,400
have to tell somebody what it is that you need

1088
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:44,559
in order to feel better, or like tell them how

1089
00:47:44,599 --> 00:47:47,199
to be a good partner, but you're really just expressing

1090
00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:50,079
what you personally need so they can understand you more

1091
00:47:50,079 --> 00:47:52,559
deeply in that way, because you want to understand that.

1092
00:47:53,079 --> 00:47:56,079
But the getting into the whys of it every time

1093
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:59,159
and the explanation, that's why with the for non negotiables,

1094
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:03,800
no teaching, no preaching, no explaining, and no complaining no

1095
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,880
explaining is the hardest one, Yeah, because when someone's talking

1096
00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:10,679
about why they're upset, they always want to explain because

1097
00:48:10,719 --> 00:48:13,440
they want to feel validated, which is really, like I said,

1098
00:48:13,519 --> 00:48:15,840
code for I need you to agree with me, right,

1099
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:18,440
And that is just ninety nine point nine percent of

1100
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:20,480
the time not gonna happen. Yeah, Because how many times

1101
00:48:20,519 --> 00:48:22,920
have you looked at someone that you love like and

1102
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,880
thought what they were doing was absolutely absurd? Right, But

1103
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:28,559
that doesn't mean they should stop doing it unless it's

1104
00:48:28,599 --> 00:48:30,559
a problem for you. But I just mean, like their

1105
00:48:30,639 --> 00:48:33,320
way of operating in the world, their perspective.

1106
00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:37,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so explain the no teaching, because no preaching

1107
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:40,360
I understand, but the no teaching tell me about that.

1108
00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,280
Speaker 2: So no teaching is basically like nobody wants to feel

1109
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:46,800
like they're constantly being told how they should be living

1110
00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:50,239
their life. And I'm gonna you know what you need

1111
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,599
to do? Is this what you should be doing? Is

1112
00:48:52,639 --> 00:48:53,199
this if you do?

1113
00:48:53,480 --> 00:48:58,239
Speaker 1: But hold on, yes, isn't that contradictory to your solution?

1114
00:48:58,480 --> 00:49:00,599
And like, when there's a problem, this is what I need.

1115
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:03,320
Speaker 2: No, because you're basically saying this is how I feel,

1116
00:49:03,400 --> 00:49:04,679
this is what would make me feel better.

1117
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:08,039
Speaker 1: Okay, this is not how you should be doing exactly,

1118
00:49:08,039 --> 00:49:09,400
this is what I need that.

1119
00:49:09,679 --> 00:49:11,920
Speaker 2: Because when you put when you when you're teaching in

1120
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:15,000
a relationship, that instantly disconnects the two of you and

1121
00:49:15,039 --> 00:49:17,239
put you in a situation where you're basically saying I

1122
00:49:17,320 --> 00:49:20,000
know more than you in this area and you need

1123
00:49:20,039 --> 00:49:22,480
to follow my way otherwise you're just getting it wrong.

1124
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:25,079
Where is that going to connect anybody who's like, oh

1125
00:49:25,079 --> 00:49:26,960
my god, thank you so much for being my teacher

1126
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:29,480
in this way. Of course, you learn in relationships and

1127
00:49:29,519 --> 00:49:32,039
you do teach, but you do so by example. You

1128
00:49:32,079 --> 00:49:33,719
do so by the way that you're living your life.

1129
00:49:34,119 --> 00:49:36,320
Teaching would be like when there's a problem and you

1130
00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:40,559
are communicating in a specific way that's solution oriented, you're

1131
00:49:40,679 --> 00:49:45,519
teaching them to have solution oriented communication without saying this

1132
00:49:45,599 --> 00:49:47,719
is what you need to do because the way that

1133
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:50,559
you're doing it isn't working for you, Because no one's

1134
00:49:50,599 --> 00:49:52,760
going to no adult it's going to sit across from

1135
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:56,840
another adult in a relationship and be told that and

1136
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:59,400
respond with Okay, you're exactly right. I'm going to start

1137
00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:03,559
changing my behavior because you're telling me that that's going

1138
00:50:03,639 --> 00:50:04,119
to work better.

1139
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:04,440
Speaker 1: Right.

1140
00:50:05,199 --> 00:50:07,599
Speaker 2: You know, it's more like I'm willing to change my

1141
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:09,880
behavior if you request something from me that's going to

1142
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,079
make you feel better than sure, because you're not.

1143
00:50:12,039 --> 00:50:13,800
Speaker 3: Telling me what I'm doing is right or wrong.

1144
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:15,880
Speaker 2: You're just saying this is what I would need in

1145
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:17,360
order to feel better, and I'm going to change it

1146
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:20,519
because I love you and that's where our trust is built.

1147
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:23,000
Speaker 1: So let's fast forward to the end when this system

1148
00:50:23,039 --> 00:50:23,599
doesn't work.

1149
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:26,880
Speaker 2: Okay, when this system doesn't.

1150
00:50:27,039 --> 00:50:31,320
Speaker 1: Fail, and I'm moving to New York City, okay, and

1151
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:33,719
I'm leaving Paul Beach where I should have never gone.

1152
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:36,840
Speaker 2: Yes, this is the beauty is even when it's not working,

1153
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:40,039
it's working. And this is why, because when you have

1154
00:50:40,079 --> 00:50:43,159
communicated like this and this person has broken the agreement

1155
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:47,119
like you've seen, it makes it very clear, there's no

1156
00:50:47,159 --> 00:50:48,000
doubt in your mind.

1157
00:50:48,239 --> 00:50:50,440
Speaker 1: I feel like every single wrong turn has been a

1158
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:52,880
gift from God. Yes, I really just feel like it's

1159
00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:57,000
gotten clearer and clearer and clearer every single every single

1160
00:50:57,039 --> 00:51:00,719
time we've had conflict. It's just like, and I I

1161
00:51:01,239 --> 00:51:03,519
am very careful because I know if fight or flight,

1162
00:51:03,599 --> 00:51:06,079
I am flight as fuck, like I am backpack boy

1163
00:51:06,119 --> 00:51:11,320
as well. But I was very I was very careful

1164
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,639
to be present and not run from my problems. Like

1165
00:51:13,679 --> 00:51:16,960
when we moved there and the designers did that fucking

1166
00:51:17,119 --> 00:51:18,960
whatever they did to our place, I was like I

1167
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,159
should just leave, Like I should just go, I should

1168
00:51:21,159 --> 00:51:22,559
just run away, But like I was like, no, we're

1169
00:51:22,559 --> 00:51:23,960
gonna stay. We're gonna stick it out, and we're going

1170
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:29,199
to see how much worse it could get. Yeah. No,

1171
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:32,159
but I feel like I've you know, I did what

1172
00:51:32,199 --> 00:51:32,559
I could.

1173
00:51:32,559 --> 00:51:36,239
Speaker 2: And now you're like you were saying every at every turn,

1174
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:38,880
at every wrong turn, there was more clarity. But the

1175
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:41,760
I guarantee the most clarity came at the very end,

1176
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:43,800
when you made it very clear Yeah he could do

1177
00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:46,880
yes exactly, because then there's zero doubts.

1178
00:51:47,079 --> 00:51:49,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was no. I mean he still tried to

1179
00:51:49,199 --> 00:51:51,559
be like it was just poker on a Monday night,

1180
00:51:51,639 --> 00:51:52,880
and I was like, I asked you not to be

1181
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:53,920
out past one. You went down to.

1182
00:51:54,039 --> 00:51:54,320
Speaker 3: This is what.

1183
00:51:54,519 --> 00:51:56,599
Speaker 2: There's no explaining because it's like, I don't care what.

1184
00:51:56,480 --> 00:52:00,199
Speaker 1: It was playing poker. I'm a bad guy. I'm like,

1185
00:52:00,199 --> 00:52:02,440
oh Jesus, yes. And that's the other thing. He has

1186
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:04,360
this whole thing where he's like, I'm not the bad guy,

1187
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:06,480
and I'm like, whatever you need to tell.

1188
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,400
Speaker 3: You a good guy, he didn't.

1189
00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:10,440
Speaker 2: You didn't follow through with what you said you were

1190
00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:12,199
going to follow him, so you can call it whatever

1191
00:52:12,199 --> 00:52:12,519
you want.

1192
00:52:12,760 --> 00:52:14,679
Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's that's one thing I'm really coming to

1193
00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:17,719
terms with this year. It's not necessarily just this relationship,

1194
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:20,400
but like people really tell themselves what they need to

1195
00:52:20,440 --> 00:52:23,800
tell themselves to sleep at night. Like people really invent

1196
00:52:24,039 --> 00:52:27,679
their own realities of what happened so that they're not

1197
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,239
the villain in the story. And I'm like, it's so

1198
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:32,480
interesting because when I'm a bad guy, I know I'm

1199
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:34,360
a bad guy, and I'm like, we can learn from

1200
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,800
this and I can be better next time maybe, But

1201
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:41,960
like I've really seen some like like mock ten level

1202
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:45,400
deflection this year, Yes, just the most like starting with

1203
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:49,559
the designers when they objectively first of all, obviously whatever

1204
00:52:49,559 --> 00:52:55,480
the play sucked, but like they actually misappropriated funds, stole money,

1205
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,119
you know what I mean. And I'm the bad guy,

1206
00:52:58,239 --> 00:53:00,199
and that I'm the bad guy because I talked about it,

1207
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:01,679
and that like I'm getting well.

1208
00:53:01,639 --> 00:53:02,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, because you called them out.

1209
00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:04,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're the bad guy for bringing focus to the

1210
00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:05,519
ship that they were trying.

1211
00:53:05,599 --> 00:53:07,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, and now their friends are calling my friends telling

1212
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:10,320
me to stop talking about because i I'm like, what

1213
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:13,719
story have you guys actually told yourself that happened? Because

1214
00:53:14,079 --> 00:53:16,559
the actual facts are this. And then the same with

1215
00:53:16,599 --> 00:53:19,599
this breakup. It's just like he's he's like, well, I'm

1216
00:53:19,639 --> 00:53:21,679
not the bad guy. We're just at different places in

1217
00:53:21,679 --> 00:53:23,679
our life. And I'm like, you can paint a brand

1218
00:53:23,679 --> 00:53:27,079
new story so that you feel okay about yourself, but

1219
00:53:27,119 --> 00:53:29,519
the reality is the reality, which is that you lied

1220
00:53:29,559 --> 00:53:32,239
to me, disappointed to me, and that's why this is

1221
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:33,639
over exactly, you know.

1222
00:53:33,719 --> 00:53:36,679
Speaker 2: And then at the underlying thing of that, the beauty

1223
00:53:36,679 --> 00:53:38,039
of what he's going to be able to look at,

1224
00:53:38,039 --> 00:53:39,480
which is what we all can look at when we

1225
00:53:39,480 --> 00:53:43,480
make mistakes in life, is because of my actions, these

1226
00:53:43,519 --> 00:53:46,039
are the consequences, and this is what I've lost because

1227
00:53:46,039 --> 00:53:48,519
of that. So instead of me looking at her and

1228
00:53:48,559 --> 00:53:50,599
creating this entire list of all the things that are

1229
00:53:50,599 --> 00:53:52,719
wrong with her and how she handled it, and why

1230
00:53:52,719 --> 00:53:53,760
does it have to be this? Why does it have

1231
00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:55,920
to be that? The bottom line is, this is what

1232
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:58,760
I promised and I didn't do it. What is it

1233
00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:01,920
about me that it and want to follow through? In

1234
00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:04,840
my word? Why don't I honor myself enough and love

1235
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:08,360
myself enough to say, like, I honor my word because

1236
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,760
it makes me feel better about who I am and

1237
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:13,119
I can present a better version of myself. Because the

1238
00:54:13,159 --> 00:54:15,880
thing is, especially when we're younger, we get and especially

1239
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:17,880
with the way culture is right now, we're so used

1240
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:22,360
to blaming and seeing what's wrong with someone else. Like

1241
00:54:22,519 --> 00:54:24,440
the reason we're having conflict right now is because of you,

1242
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:27,199
because of the way you see it. Even like not

1243
00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:29,920
that I get into politics, but like you can see

1244
00:54:29,920 --> 00:54:30,559
two people were.

1245
00:54:30,480 --> 00:54:33,800
Speaker 1: Gonna say sorry, no, I just but I'm that way though,

1246
00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:36,920
I'll be like, no, this is actually your fault like this,

1247
00:54:37,320 --> 00:54:39,880
but there is like some situations where it's actually one

1248
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:43,360
person the important technology.

1249
00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:45,360
Speaker 3: But why is it important technology.

1250
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:47,679
Speaker 1: That because it's not my fault.

1251
00:54:49,559 --> 00:54:51,079
Speaker 3: That's the thing. It's like exactly.

1252
00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:54,039
Speaker 1: It brings bitch where it's my fault a lot, but.

1253
00:54:54,199 --> 00:54:56,840
Speaker 2: You're still bringing it back to you and your egos

1254
00:54:56,920 --> 00:55:00,360
need to establish that you aren't wrong and.

1255
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:04,519
Speaker 1: I'm not, but that is not that is not wrong.

1256
00:55:04,599 --> 00:55:05,760
I can admit when I am.

1257
00:55:05,760 --> 00:55:08,400
Speaker 2: That's beautiful, and that's beautiful. But that is beautiful, But

1258
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:11,960
that doesn't That doesn't solve problems, is all I'm saying.

1259
00:55:12,159 --> 00:55:15,800
That's beautiful. You're for your own personal development. This is

1260
00:55:15,800 --> 00:55:17,599
what I just I love that everybody can see. This

1261
00:55:17,639 --> 00:55:18,800
is what I get in the readings that you do.

1262
00:55:20,079 --> 00:55:23,360
But the thing is is that this is the It's

1263
00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:25,960
great for self development and self understanding. You're learning through

1264
00:55:25,960 --> 00:55:28,440
your own experiences and calling yourself out. But that doesn't

1265
00:55:28,880 --> 00:55:33,239
you don't need to be the judge and jury for

1266
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:36,480
somebody else and then making sure they're admitting that they

1267
00:55:36,519 --> 00:55:37,800
were wrong because they were wrong.

1268
00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:40,920
Speaker 1: Life will teach them that you're making a really good point. Actually,

1269
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:43,920
I hate that you got around to a good point.

1270
00:55:44,119 --> 00:55:48,840
Speaker 5: But you're actually you know what, there's there's so much

1271
00:55:49,039 --> 00:55:53,360
misery in me being adamant that someone else admits the

1272
00:55:53,519 --> 00:55:59,920
wrong chi Like, I get so enraged and it just

1273
00:56:00,159 --> 00:56:02,639
like shakes me to b I lose sleep over things

1274
00:56:02,719 --> 00:56:04,840
other people did, like I should only be losing sleep

1275
00:56:04,880 --> 00:56:06,199
about the things I did right.

1276
00:56:06,360 --> 00:56:09,199
Speaker 2: No, it's true. It's true though, because all the time

1277
00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:12,280
you're wasting on why they can't see that they were

1278
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:13,599
and why aren't they.

1279
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:15,679
Speaker 1: You're actually right, I feel like I'm going to be

1280
00:56:15,719 --> 00:56:17,840
able to like let go of this.

1281
00:56:18,199 --> 00:56:22,679
Speaker 2: Yes, that you just freed yourself from so much distraction

1282
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:26,719
and drama and unnecessary energy that if you just focus

1283
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:29,639
on growing yourself based on establishing what you did wrong,

1284
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:32,000
and then when you're are in any sort of conflict,

1285
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:34,880
it's just giving them the opportunity to work on the

1286
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:37,800
solution with you. If they're not capable of that, then they.

1287
00:56:37,719 --> 00:56:39,599
Speaker 1: Gotta go, then go, And that's fine.

1288
00:56:39,639 --> 00:56:42,159
Speaker 2: And who cares what they admit after that? Why is

1289
00:56:42,199 --> 00:56:44,159
that even your your cross to bear?

1290
00:56:44,639 --> 00:56:49,239
Speaker 1: It's not it is It is infuriating, Yes, it is infuriating,

1291
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,920
only but I can let it go. Here's the thing, though,

1292
00:56:52,079 --> 00:56:54,880
I want to make a point of how I did acknowledge,

1293
00:56:54,960 --> 00:56:58,639
you know, my my own wrongdoings and my own karma. Like, yes,

1294
00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:03,960
in last week's episode I talked about I talked about

1295
00:57:04,199 --> 00:57:06,280
this girl and her behavior, and I'm like, she knew,

1296
00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,840
she knows we're in a relationship. How dare she da

1297
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:10,639
da da da? What kind of woman does? And then

1298
00:57:10,679 --> 00:57:11,920
I was like, the kind of woman that does that

1299
00:57:12,079 --> 00:57:14,519
is me? Yes, me and my fucking twenties I did that,

1300
00:57:14,920 --> 00:57:17,559
you know, so I think you're right. Karma doesn't miss

1301
00:57:17,559 --> 00:57:20,159
a doorstep. It was not my in my twenties when

1302
00:57:20,199 --> 00:57:21,960
I was doing that was I was like, it's not

1303
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:25,159
my fucking problem, Like that was the attitude I had,

1304
00:57:25,239 --> 00:57:28,079
and that came back around and bit me twelve fifteen

1305
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:29,639
whatever however many years later.

1306
00:57:30,079 --> 00:57:32,320
Speaker 2: So like, the only way you learned that though, was

1307
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:34,440
through your own process. It wasn't because someone said you

1308
00:57:34,440 --> 00:57:35,719
need to admit that you were wrong.

1309
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:36,239
Speaker 1: Totally.

1310
00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:37,239
Speaker 3: That's my whole point.

1311
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:40,199
Speaker 1: Okay, you know what you changed me today and I

1312
00:57:40,280 --> 00:57:44,199
appreciate that that, Like, really, what does I can stop being?

1313
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:47,000
It's just not my business and it's a nice business.

1314
00:57:47,079 --> 00:57:49,320
What people think about themselves.

1315
00:57:48,960 --> 00:57:52,679
Speaker 2: Exactly, and it's not your job to teach them how

1316
00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:55,519
they should be seeing life and themselves right and even

1317
00:57:55,599 --> 00:57:56,400
given their behavior.

1318
00:57:56,519 --> 00:58:00,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such a self protection mechanism to create a story.

1319
00:58:01,719 --> 00:58:05,920
And I've done it before, so it's like everyone does it.

1320
00:58:06,519 --> 00:58:10,519
Speaker 2: This is exactly like the spiritual foundation of this context

1321
00:58:10,719 --> 00:58:13,480
is basically saying, it's the part of you that once

1322
00:58:13,599 --> 00:58:17,599
that validation is your ego, because then it also helps

1323
00:58:17,639 --> 00:58:20,199
you establish that you were right. And the more you

1324
00:58:20,239 --> 00:58:22,400
can establish that, you can feel good and strong about yourself.

1325
00:58:22,440 --> 00:58:24,599
Speaker 1: Maybe it's getting drunk on self righteousying.

1326
00:58:24,719 --> 00:58:26,000
Speaker 3: That's exactly what it is.

1327
00:58:26,199 --> 00:58:28,400
Speaker 2: And so instead of that, now you're just saying, I

1328
00:58:28,400 --> 00:58:30,599
don't care what you think about what your behaving is doing.

1329
00:58:30,679 --> 00:58:32,360
Speaker 1: I don't care what your story is. You can invent

1330
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:33,599
a whole new tale because.

1331
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:35,440
Speaker 2: They need to work their own. Their soul has its

1332
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:37,280
own path. It's going to learn its lessons on its

1333
00:58:37,320 --> 00:58:39,880
own and its own way. The bottom line is, though,

1334
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:42,119
if you are trying to have a relationship with this person,

1335
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,000
you will give them the opportunity to know specifically what

1336
00:58:45,039 --> 00:58:46,599
it is you would need in order to work on

1337
00:58:46,639 --> 00:58:49,039
a solution as a team. If they're capable of that.

1338
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:51,679
Like I said, that's how they learn. That's how you

1339
00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:54,760
actually teach. It's not sitting them down and explaining to

1340
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:57,840
them with all the tours and scorpioizing receipts of why

1341
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,280
they were so fucked up and being so surprised. I said,

1342
00:59:00,320 --> 00:59:02,760
they just don't get it. Yeah, when for their perspective,

1343
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:04,880
I guarantee from his perspective, if I sat down with

1344
00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:06,880
both of you, I wouldn't tell him he was wrong

1345
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:07,960
because from his.

1346
00:59:07,880 --> 00:59:12,599
Speaker 1: Perspective, he's fucking off. You don't no.

1347
00:59:12,639 --> 00:59:14,280
Speaker 2: I so have your back. But what I would tell

1348
00:59:14,559 --> 00:59:17,639
what I would say is based on his perspective, he's

1349
00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:20,239
not wrong, and the reason just stay with me for

1350
00:59:20,280 --> 00:59:23,320
a moment. Based on his perspective, if that isn't cheating

1351
00:59:23,360 --> 00:59:25,800
to him, if that isn't cheating to him, then he's

1352
00:59:25,880 --> 00:59:28,719
not wrong. But that's what his perspective and his opinion

1353
00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:31,760
about that doesn't matter. What matters is if the woman

1354
00:59:31,760 --> 00:59:35,039
that he loves is not okay with that behavior and

1355
00:59:35,119 --> 00:59:39,440
you aren't willing to stop that behavior, then that's the problem.

1356
00:59:39,719 --> 00:59:40,360
Speaker 3: And then if you.

1357
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:42,159
Speaker 2: Tell her where he's where I would say he's wrong

1358
00:59:42,239 --> 00:59:45,000
is if he promises you something and doesn't follow through

1359
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:48,159
with it, that's wrong. But your perspective and your opinion

1360
00:59:48,159 --> 00:59:50,280
about things, I'm not gonna tell you where that's right wrong.

1361
00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:52,159
You have your own life to live. That's like you

1362
00:59:52,239 --> 00:59:53,840
were saying about that girls like she could be thinking

1363
00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:56,079
whatever the fuck she needs to be thinking and for

1364
00:59:56,239 --> 00:59:58,719
in her world, just like you're in your twenties. No

1365
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:00,719
one could have told you were wrong. You'd be like,

1366
01:00:00,800 --> 01:00:02,840
it's not mine. Tell me, okay exactly.

1367
01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:04,559
Speaker 1: I could tell me I was an alcoholic. No one

1368
01:00:04,559 --> 01:00:06,079
could tell me I was a home wrecker. No one

1369
01:00:06,079 --> 01:00:06,719
could tell me shit.

1370
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:10,239
Speaker 3: I was like, we have all been there. That's what

1371
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:10,639
I'm saying.

1372
01:00:10,719 --> 01:00:13,519
Speaker 2: Every human being, no matter who they are, on their

1373
01:00:13,840 --> 01:00:16,159
playing the game of life, on their soul's path, is

1374
01:00:16,199 --> 01:00:18,199
going to have moments where they're just doing dumb shit.

1375
01:00:18,639 --> 01:00:20,360
And the reason they're doing it, or the reason I'm

1376
01:00:20,360 --> 01:00:22,239
calling it dumb, is because it's not working for you.

1377
01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:26,079
It's creating negative consequences. So if it's creating negative consequences,

1378
01:00:26,079 --> 01:00:28,719
it's giving you an opportunity to see things differently. But

1379
01:00:28,800 --> 01:00:31,599
you're only gonna do that coming by your own realization, right,

1380
01:00:31,679 --> 01:00:33,280
But you have to get there on your own you

1381
01:00:33,280 --> 01:00:33,440
have to.

1382
01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:34,159
Speaker 3: Get there on your own.

1383
01:00:34,159 --> 01:00:35,800
Speaker 1: But but you.

1384
01:00:35,719 --> 01:00:39,119
Speaker 2: Can't make it drink so true and so in relationships,

1385
01:00:39,119 --> 01:00:41,840
it's like as as you're moving forward, now, that's when

1386
01:00:41,880 --> 01:00:43,800
I try to keep jumping all over. But when I

1387
01:00:43,920 --> 01:00:46,960
watched your last episode, I was like, I really know

1388
01:00:47,159 --> 01:00:51,280
now for sure the next relationship that you manifest, you're

1389
01:00:51,320 --> 01:00:54,440
so ready for it. And it's because that self reflection

1390
01:00:54,599 --> 01:00:58,360
of saying like I was, I was this person. This

1391
01:00:58,519 --> 01:01:00,920
relationship was reflecting back to me version of myself that

1392
01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:03,840
I now understand. And I'm not gonna waste time judging anymore.

1393
01:01:04,119 --> 01:01:07,440
I'm just gonna now move forward knowing better and then

1394
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:10,519
accessing that knowledge to do better.

1395
01:01:10,599 --> 01:01:12,920
Speaker 1: You know, listen, we'll fire up the gang bang a meter.

1396
01:01:13,079 --> 01:01:15,559
It's active for summer, it's active for summer.

1397
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:20,360
Speaker 3: What is my I love that about you? I really do.

1398
01:01:21,119 --> 01:01:22,639
I love you?

1399
01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:26,039
Speaker 1: Know, I almost you know who I almost refired things

1400
01:01:26,119 --> 01:01:28,800
up with. And I don't even if you if you

1401
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:33,719
had to guess, remember the person I was maybe the

1402
01:01:33,719 --> 01:01:38,480
most psycho about. You're kidding me, you don't know, not

1403
01:01:38,559 --> 01:01:39,199
that one.

1404
01:01:39,159 --> 01:01:44,679
Speaker 3: Okay, because yeah, then then I don't know. I don't

1405
01:01:44,719 --> 01:01:45,360
know Jerry.

1406
01:01:45,880 --> 01:01:54,719
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well I'm just saying like, unless unless there

1407
01:01:54,760 --> 01:01:58,400
have been some major changes in his own like outside

1408
01:01:58,400 --> 01:01:59,960
of relationshiships, person things.

1409
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:03,840
Speaker 3: Would I ever revisit something where nothing has changed?

1410
01:02:04,119 --> 01:02:05,400
Speaker 2: All? Right?

1411
01:02:05,519 --> 01:02:06,280
Speaker 1: Time for bad vice?

1412
01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:09,880
Speaker 2: Yelling at me, so screaming on my podcast, screaming at me?

1413
01:02:09,960 --> 01:02:12,519
Speaker 1: Okay, question for bad vice. I'm trying to write my

1414
01:02:12,519 --> 01:02:14,599
first novel, and I know deep down I have a

1415
01:02:14,599 --> 01:02:16,960
good story to tell, but the damn voices in my

1416
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:19,280
head are stopping me as I'm writing. I feel like

1417
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:22,079
everything is garbage, but usually always like it when I

1418
01:02:22,079 --> 01:02:24,880
read it later, But this discourages me so heavily from

1419
01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:27,079
sitting and getting it out. Since you've written a book,

1420
01:02:27,119 --> 01:02:30,760
how do you power through the negative self thought to

1421
01:02:30,840 --> 01:02:32,960
get this shit done? It's one of the hardest things

1422
01:02:32,960 --> 01:02:36,119
I've ever done. We've both written books, so you go first.

1423
01:02:36,440 --> 01:02:38,960
Speaker 2: Okay, So wait though, because the thing is go back

1424
01:02:39,000 --> 01:02:40,440
to the question really quick, because I didn't get all

1425
01:02:40,440 --> 01:02:40,920
the details.

1426
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:44,039
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, it's they have a good story to tell.

1427
01:02:44,039 --> 01:02:46,239
There's voices in their head that are stopping them as

1428
01:02:46,280 --> 01:02:48,639
they write. They feel like it's garbage. They read back,

1429
01:02:48,719 --> 01:02:51,199
they like what they read, but they can't get past

1430
01:02:51,239 --> 01:02:53,760
the voices. How do you power through this negative self

1431
01:02:53,960 --> 01:02:55,400
talk to get this shit done?

1432
01:02:55,519 --> 01:02:58,760
Speaker 2: Okay, I love this question, So I call negative self talk.

1433
01:02:58,840 --> 01:03:01,039
I just call that mental noise because the thing is,

1434
01:03:01,239 --> 01:03:03,639
you were always gonna have mental noise. And what that

1435
01:03:03,719 --> 01:03:05,880
is is that's to start ego trying to stay safe.

1436
01:03:06,079 --> 01:03:09,800
Anytime it's fearful of anything with the unknown, it's going

1437
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:13,559
to be afraid that it can't continue to exist. So

1438
01:03:13,599 --> 01:03:16,480
it's going to try to scare you into staying safe

1439
01:03:16,480 --> 01:03:18,559
and not doing anything in the unknown. So that way,

1440
01:03:18,599 --> 01:03:20,119
you can just stay in your world of comfort and

1441
01:03:20,159 --> 01:03:23,400
control where everything is familiar. So that's not going to

1442
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:26,400
get you anywhere. So you're just gonna say, all I'm

1443
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:29,000
going to do is stay present in this moment and

1444
01:03:29,079 --> 01:03:31,199
continue to write to the best of my ability because

1445
01:03:31,239 --> 01:03:33,679
that's all I can do. And then as I move forward,

1446
01:03:34,079 --> 01:03:35,360
I have the power to edit.

1447
01:03:35,599 --> 01:03:38,199
Speaker 1: Yes, And so that's the best part. Everything is like

1448
01:03:38,239 --> 01:03:40,679
sculpting a term, like you just have to get it

1449
01:03:40,719 --> 01:03:43,320
all out, and it can be fucking horrible. The first

1450
01:03:43,320 --> 01:03:45,480
past can be so bad, and then the edit is

1451
01:03:45,519 --> 01:03:48,559
so the most challenging part because you do have to

1452
01:03:48,599 --> 01:03:51,079
like chisel it into something more beautiful. But like for

1453
01:03:51,239 --> 01:03:53,519
me when I get stuck in this loop. And I'm

1454
01:03:53,679 --> 01:03:57,199
stuck in it right now, so I'm not actively doing this,

1455
01:03:57,320 --> 01:04:00,239
but I'm you know, I'm in the process of trying

1456
01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:02,360
to write a second book and it's really I'm bumping

1457
01:04:02,440 --> 01:04:05,280
up against it because it's really tough material. But what

1458
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:08,519
I do is I put, even if it's thirty minutes

1459
01:04:08,559 --> 01:04:11,800
twice a week on the calendar to just sit and write, yea,

1460
01:04:11,960 --> 01:04:13,920
Like you just have to get yourself into that flow

1461
01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:16,920
state of being productive and then more comes, you know,

1462
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:19,159
and maybe you'll sit down for thirty minutes and you'll

1463
01:04:19,159 --> 01:04:20,920
write for an hour. Yeah, maybe you'll sit you know

1464
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:23,079
what I mean. But it's just like giving yourself that

1465
01:04:23,159 --> 01:04:25,840
little bit of structure. And it's not like a ton

1466
01:04:25,880 --> 01:04:27,840
it's not like four hours a day of every day,

1467
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:30,639
you know what I mean, like something that's completely unattainable.

1468
01:04:30,159 --> 01:04:31,239
Speaker 3: Yeah, that you know you won't stick to.

1469
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:34,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's almost like a short enough window where

1470
01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:36,840
like you just you just put those voices in a

1471
01:04:36,880 --> 01:04:39,119
time out for thirty minutes, yeah, and don't let them

1472
01:04:39,159 --> 01:04:41,880
talk exactly and just get your story, just get your

1473
01:04:41,920 --> 01:04:42,400
story up.

1474
01:04:42,559 --> 01:04:45,559
Speaker 2: Yeah, and just know that when because sometimes it's easier

1475
01:04:45,599 --> 01:04:47,480
to shut those out for some people than it is

1476
01:04:47,519 --> 01:04:49,639
for other people. Yeah, this is kind of where astrology

1477
01:04:49,639 --> 01:04:51,480
will come into play. But the thing is, if you're

1478
01:04:51,519 --> 01:04:53,639
the type of person that you're like, I try to

1479
01:04:53,639 --> 01:04:55,679
shut them up and they just won't shut up. Yeah,

1480
01:04:55,719 --> 01:04:58,280
it's like having that friend that you know this is

1481
01:04:58,320 --> 01:04:59,719
never going to shut up. You still know how to

1482
01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:01,760
tune them out. And it's just saying they're going to

1483
01:05:01,840 --> 01:05:04,119
be here. It's accepting they're going to be there and

1484
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:07,559
also accepting they only have power if you give them focus.

1485
01:05:08,360 --> 01:05:10,760
So it's like, you don't whatever the voices are saying

1486
01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:12,800
to you, You don't need to continue to attach to

1487
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:15,920
that narrative and continue that story. You take a deep

1488
01:05:15,920 --> 01:05:18,360
breath and redirect and just say, Okay, I'm going to

1489
01:05:18,400 --> 01:05:21,559
continue with what I have in me right now. And

1490
01:05:21,760 --> 01:05:23,599
like I said, the edit thing, but I know for me,

1491
01:05:23,960 --> 01:05:28,599
I'm a big time feeler. So whenever I feel in

1492
01:05:28,639 --> 01:05:30,800
the mood to do something, that's when I go for it.

1493
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:32,920
If I'm not feeling it, I also don't force it,

1494
01:05:33,440 --> 01:05:36,039
you know. So it's really good to schedule like you're saying,

1495
01:05:36,199 --> 01:05:39,440
to do that, because then that does hold yourself accountable

1496
01:05:39,519 --> 01:05:42,480
to just putting energy towards it, and that's really important.

1497
01:05:43,559 --> 01:05:46,719
But it's also important to if you know you're forcing

1498
01:05:46,760 --> 01:05:48,679
yourself to do something that you're not in the headspace

1499
01:05:48,719 --> 01:05:50,960
to do, it's okay to just take a breath and

1500
01:05:50,960 --> 01:05:53,800
be like, I'll get to this wind, I feel like it,

1501
01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:56,079
because that's when you'll be in that flow state and

1502
01:05:56,119 --> 01:05:56,800
things will come out.

1503
01:05:56,920 --> 01:05:59,679
Speaker 1: Yeah you know, yeah, but amazing. Okay, Well, on that note,

1504
01:05:59,679 --> 01:06:02,400
tell Ruin where they can find your book one more time.

1505
01:06:02,639 --> 01:06:05,199
Speaker 2: Yes, well, Britty's gonna put a link on this video

1506
01:06:05,039 --> 01:06:07,440
to an Amazon link.

1507
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:08,440
Speaker 3: But yeah.

1508
01:06:08,559 --> 01:06:12,480
Speaker 2: Unbreakable the method of creating a lasting love and connection.

1509
01:06:12,800 --> 01:06:15,320
But it's basically just what to say and how to

1510
01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:18,480
say it to make sure you can solve any relationship problems,

1511
01:06:18,519 --> 01:06:20,679
all of them. They will be solved with this book

1512
01:06:20,679 --> 01:06:23,280
in a very easy, short, practical way.

1513
01:06:23,639 --> 01:06:24,719
Speaker 3: Pretty can attest.

1514
01:06:24,400 --> 01:06:34,360
Speaker 1: To that, and they might go up in flames, but

1515
01:06:34,400 --> 01:06:36,280
in a lot of times the solution isn't ending because

1516
01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:39,920
but you're doing it with a confirmable, understandable I did

1517
01:06:39,960 --> 01:06:40,760
everything I could.

1518
01:06:41,039 --> 01:06:44,719
Speaker 2: I gave them the opportunity specifically and clearly, and they

1519
01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:46,480
just didn't show up in the way that showed the

1520
01:06:46,519 --> 01:06:47,960
relationship was worth moving forward with.

1521
01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:49,800
Speaker 1: And there you have it, tod ruin where they can

1522
01:06:49,800 --> 01:06:50,760
follow you.

1523
01:06:50,760 --> 01:06:55,039
Speaker 2: You can follow me at Astrology Guy on Instagram and

1524
01:06:55,440 --> 01:06:58,880
YouTube and the real Astrology Guy on TikTok.

1525
01:06:59,199 --> 01:07:01,559
Speaker 1: Amazing. I love you much, thinking of meaning too. That

1526
01:07:01,639 --> 01:07:05,679
such a good time you guys. I'm so excited we're

1527
01:07:05,719 --> 01:07:07,679
doing the Artist Way still some of us are. I've

1528
01:07:07,719 --> 01:07:09,239
got about five of us. I told you guys all

1529
01:07:09,280 --> 01:07:10,800
to DM me if we were doing it, and I

1530
01:07:10,800 --> 01:07:12,480
think I got about five dms and by the way,

1531
01:07:12,559 --> 01:07:14,280
I saw them all and I'm going to reply. I

1532
01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:17,639
fucking promise. You know. My life has just been pants

1533
01:07:17,800 --> 01:07:21,639
on fire, ants on fire, pants on fire, but no excuses.

1534
01:07:21,719 --> 01:07:23,159
I told you I'm going to reply. So I'm going to.

1535
01:07:23,239 --> 01:07:24,559
Right after this, Mike and I are going to eat

1536
01:07:24,599 --> 01:07:26,519
chesteaks and we're going to reply to your messages. That's

1537
01:07:26,519 --> 01:07:30,159
what we're gonna do, you guys. We are on week

1538
01:07:30,360 --> 01:07:33,000
five of the Artists Way. We are cruising along. I'm

1539
01:07:33,039 --> 01:07:35,159
going to be so honest with you. I cannot do

1540
01:07:35,320 --> 01:07:39,400
this media free week yet. I'm going to. I swear

1541
01:07:39,440 --> 01:07:41,519
I'm going to. I have to get settled. My life

1542
01:07:41,559 --> 01:07:46,440
has been like actually truly, so many life hurdles that

1543
01:07:46,480 --> 01:07:48,800
I can't do it. It's funny because it says in

1544
01:07:48,840 --> 01:07:51,280
the book like you will make up every excuse, but

1545
01:07:51,320 --> 01:07:54,119
I'm like no, like really I can't. So I'm going

1546
01:07:54,159 --> 01:07:56,159
to I just and if you did do it, please

1547
01:07:56,199 --> 01:07:57,599
DM me because I want to hear about it because

1548
01:07:57,599 --> 01:08:00,400
it is a transformative week. I've done this week before

1549
01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:05,519
and it's really amazing. Week five we're talking about recovering

1550
01:08:05,559 --> 01:08:12,280
a sense of possibility. So wait, is this no? No, no,

1551
01:08:12,320 --> 01:08:15,559
We're not on week five? Am I? Okay? Mike? Am I? Okay.

1552
01:08:18,279 --> 01:08:21,840
I'm so happy Mike's here. Guys. You guys have no

1553
01:08:21,920 --> 01:08:25,880
idea how happy I am that Mike's here. I miss

1554
01:08:25,960 --> 01:08:27,680
him so much. I hate when I have to podcast

1555
01:08:27,720 --> 01:08:32,600
by myself and I just scream alone in my apartment. Okay,

1556
01:08:33,239 --> 01:08:35,960
we're on week six. We're recovering a sense of abundance.

1557
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:38,000
This is the week that I needed this week. I

1558
01:08:38,119 --> 01:08:40,760
have been going through it and I'm going to talk

1559
01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:42,279
to you guys more about it on the Patreon. But

1560
01:08:42,319 --> 01:08:44,520
I've been going through it with money I have. This year,

1561
01:08:44,600 --> 01:08:46,520
I have spent a lot of money and there's not

1562
01:08:46,600 --> 01:08:49,279
a lot coming in and I feel very insecure about money.

1563
01:08:49,279 --> 01:08:52,239
And this this week, Week six recovering a sense of

1564
01:08:52,239 --> 01:08:54,680
abundance is talking about how you need to have faith

1565
01:08:54,680 --> 01:08:56,960
in God, not in money, because money is what makes

1566
01:08:57,039 --> 01:09:00,239
us feel safe, but God is actually what makes us safe.

1567
01:09:00,439 --> 01:09:04,159
So like we have to, you know, we say, like,

1568
01:09:05,039 --> 01:09:07,079
not God is good, but it's God is good, but

1569
01:09:07,119 --> 01:09:09,920
he's too good to do money. And like, oh my gosh,

1570
01:09:10,000 --> 01:09:12,000
am I okay, I'm having a fucking stroke Mic Okay.

1571
01:09:13,319 --> 01:09:15,800
So Week six the Great, the Great Creator. I'm a believer.

1572
01:09:15,920 --> 01:09:19,079
I just don't believe God gets involved with money, although

1573
01:09:19,119 --> 01:09:22,680
she doesn't recognize it. This this carries two self sabotaging beliefs.

1574
01:09:22,720 --> 01:09:24,600
She believes not only that God is good but he's

1575
01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:27,000
too good to do money, but also that money is bad.

1576
01:09:27,359 --> 01:09:29,199
So for money, many of us were raised to believe

1577
01:09:29,199 --> 01:09:31,960
that money is a real source of security and dependence

1578
01:09:32,000 --> 01:09:35,600
on God is foolhardy. We want a God that feels

1579
01:09:35,600 --> 01:09:37,560
like a fat paycheck and a license to spend as

1580
01:09:37,560 --> 01:09:41,520
we please. So here's the thing. We if we put

1581
01:09:41,520 --> 01:09:43,880
our faith in our belief in God and the Creator

1582
01:09:43,960 --> 01:09:46,520
and us creating, Hi, Rigley, are you doing earn his

1583
01:09:46,600 --> 01:09:49,680
way with us? I love you so much. If we

1584
01:09:49,720 --> 01:09:52,600
put our faith in God, the money will come. And

1585
01:09:52,640 --> 01:09:54,560
that sounds so corny because I think a lot of

1586
01:09:54,640 --> 01:09:57,359
us are. We're always trying to survive, right, a lot

1587
01:09:57,439 --> 01:09:59,640
of us live paycheck to paycheck. We're just trying to

1588
01:09:59,680 --> 01:10:02,319
make We're just trying to pay the bills. It feels

1589
01:10:02,960 --> 01:10:05,600
it feels foolish to be like I can create to

1590
01:10:06,199 --> 01:10:09,520
make to I can create and make a living. That

1591
01:10:09,560 --> 01:10:13,680
feels foolish. So we cling to our financial concerns as

1592
01:10:13,720 --> 01:10:16,680
a way to avoid not only our art but also

1593
01:10:16,720 --> 01:10:19,880
our spiritual growth. Our faith is in the dollar, and

1594
01:10:19,920 --> 01:10:21,920
that's where I'm at right now. I'm like, if this

1595
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:24,560
money leaves my account, then I only have this much money.

1596
01:10:24,560 --> 01:10:25,920
And then if I have that much money, then the

1597
01:10:25,920 --> 01:10:27,960
money could run out by this time if I don't,

1598
01:10:28,880 --> 01:10:31,880
And like, I can get into such a cycle and

1599
01:10:31,920 --> 01:10:34,920
a spin of like, how money is all I need

1600
01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:37,119
to survive, But like, really, what I need to survive

1601
01:10:37,199 --> 01:10:38,680
is faith. And that's what all of us need to

1602
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:44,359
survive is faith. So we're operating out of the toxic

1603
01:10:44,399 --> 01:10:46,479
old idea that God's will for us and our will

1604
01:10:46,520 --> 01:10:48,560
for us our opposite needs of the table. So what

1605
01:10:48,600 --> 01:10:50,520
we want for ourselves and what God wants for us

1606
01:10:50,520 --> 01:10:52,239
are the same. We have to accept that we can't

1607
01:10:52,239 --> 01:10:55,239
be like I want to be, you know, a painter

1608
01:10:55,399 --> 01:10:58,520
and have a gallery and do this, that and the third.

1609
01:10:58,560 --> 01:11:00,880
But really, I work at McDonald and I'm fucking broken.

1610
01:11:00,920 --> 01:11:03,680
I live out of my car, like and yeah, it's

1611
01:11:03,680 --> 01:11:06,079
hard to be like God's gonna buy my paint supplies.

1612
01:11:06,119 --> 01:11:08,159
But like, if you do put your faith in the universe,

1613
01:11:08,479 --> 01:11:11,279
he will provide. He or she whoever you choose your

1614
01:11:11,319 --> 01:11:13,760
God to be, will provide for you. And this week

1615
01:11:13,840 --> 01:11:15,800
is about faith. And so if God scares you, this

1616
01:11:15,840 --> 01:11:18,800
week is going to scare you. God used to scare me.

1617
01:11:19,399 --> 01:11:21,439
I used to be so terrified of the idea. But

1618
01:11:21,479 --> 01:11:23,079
I have done so many things in my life that

1619
01:11:23,079 --> 01:11:25,000
have been like trust falls or leaps of faith. And

1620
01:11:25,039 --> 01:11:28,159
I've always been caught. And maybe I haven't like rocketed

1621
01:11:28,199 --> 01:11:30,760
two insane amounts of success, but like, I've always been

1622
01:11:30,800 --> 01:11:33,199
caught and I've never not been safe when I believe

1623
01:11:33,239 --> 01:11:35,479
in myself and I believe in God, because believing in

1624
01:11:35,479 --> 01:11:37,640
yourself is believing in God, because God made you, you

1625
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:41,039
know what I mean. So thinking like this grounded in

1626
01:11:41,319 --> 01:11:43,560
the idea that God is a stern parent with very

1627
01:11:43,640 --> 01:11:45,960
rigid ideas about what's appropriate for us, and you better

1628
01:11:46,000 --> 01:11:48,840
believe we won't like them. This stunted God concept needs

1629
01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:52,239
alteration this week in your morning pages. Right about the

1630
01:11:52,239 --> 01:11:54,239
God you do believe in and the God you would

1631
01:11:54,319 --> 01:11:56,119
like to believe in. What if God is a woman

1632
01:11:56,159 --> 01:11:58,760
and she's on my side. If you're still dealing with

1633
01:11:58,800 --> 01:12:01,800
a God conscious that's remained unexamined since childhood, you are

1634
01:12:01,840 --> 01:12:04,720
probably dealing with the toxic God. So I was raised Catholic.

1635
01:12:04,840 --> 01:12:06,680
I had a very punishing God who I was like

1636
01:12:06,960 --> 01:12:09,119
afraid he was going to like see me masturbating and

1637
01:12:09,159 --> 01:12:10,720
then I would like go to you know what I mean?

1638
01:12:10,760 --> 01:12:12,319
Like that was the kind of God I was raised with,

1639
01:12:12,399 --> 01:12:14,640
and that's why I moved away from that God. I

1640
01:12:14,640 --> 01:12:17,079
became agnostic. At one point, I was atheist, and then

1641
01:12:17,119 --> 01:12:20,239
when I got sober, I found a higher power. A

1642
01:12:20,319 --> 01:12:22,960
higher power left me, led me into a full fledged

1643
01:12:23,000 --> 01:12:25,520
belief of God. But if you're struggling with a God concept,

1644
01:12:25,520 --> 01:12:27,720
this is what my sponsor told me in early sobriety.

1645
01:12:27,960 --> 01:12:30,640
Find anything that you can look at or see or

1646
01:12:30,720 --> 01:12:32,640
touch that makes you believe that there is a higher

1647
01:12:32,640 --> 01:12:35,119
power for me for the longest time, that was Biggie.

1648
01:12:35,520 --> 01:12:37,399
I can look at Wrigley in this chair and be like,

1649
01:12:37,439 --> 01:12:39,800
this is such a pure form of joy, Like, of

1650
01:12:39,840 --> 01:12:42,039
course there's a higher power that brought this to us,

1651
01:12:42,439 --> 01:12:44,720
So like, why would something exist that is here to

1652
01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:48,520
just bring us joy and comfort? And if there wasn't

1653
01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:50,720
a higher power that wanted us to feel those ways,

1654
01:12:51,119 --> 01:12:53,520
So whatever it is. You can look at a lilac,

1655
01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:55,880
you can look at a dog, you can look at

1656
01:12:56,279 --> 01:12:58,119
you can look at anything and just be like, this

1657
01:12:58,159 --> 01:13:00,039
is proof to me that a God does exist. And

1658
01:13:00,039 --> 01:13:02,000
then eventually your God will come in and take it

1659
01:13:02,000 --> 01:13:05,520
from there. But if you were raised really in a stern,

1660
01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:08,600
strict religion, I implore you to re examine God and

1661
01:13:08,640 --> 01:13:10,319
what you wish your God would look like and write

1662
01:13:10,359 --> 01:13:14,479
that down in your morning pages. Most of us equate

1663
01:13:14,560 --> 01:13:17,560
difficulty with virtue and art with fooling around. Hard work

1664
01:13:17,680 --> 01:13:20,800
is good, so you know I was raised you know,

1665
01:13:22,159 --> 01:13:24,600
work hard, Get a job, do that job, doesn't matter.

1666
01:13:24,640 --> 01:13:26,159
If you enjoy that job. As long as you can

1667
01:13:26,159 --> 01:13:28,159
pay the bills and have a nice life, then you're good.

1668
01:13:28,439 --> 01:13:30,359
Were The harder you work, the more you get rewarded,

1669
01:13:30,920 --> 01:13:33,760
and those rewards are money. But what happened for me

1670
01:13:34,039 --> 01:13:36,560
is I worked in advertising. I worked really hard. I

1671
01:13:36,600 --> 01:13:39,840
got to a very senior position in that field, almost

1672
01:13:39,920 --> 01:13:42,520
the top, and then I realized, this is all the

1673
01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:44,920
money I can make. I'm making so much money, and

1674
01:13:44,960 --> 01:13:47,600
I was so fucking miserable because I wasn't being creative

1675
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:49,000
and I wasn't doing what I was put on this

1676
01:13:49,039 --> 01:13:51,399
earth to do. And I took a huge leap. And

1677
01:13:51,600 --> 01:13:55,359
I have still not made that much money as I

1678
01:13:55,479 --> 01:13:57,920
used to make an advertising like, I still haven't gotten

1679
01:13:57,960 --> 01:14:03,479
there yet, but creatively more fulfilled and I'm still safe.

1680
01:14:03,800 --> 01:14:06,960
So I still I still haven't gotten to a position

1681
01:14:07,079 --> 01:14:09,000
where I'm not taken care of, because I think God

1682
01:14:09,039 --> 01:14:12,720
rewarded that jump with you know, little job opportunities, little

1683
01:14:12,760 --> 01:14:15,239
pops of success, a little just like enough to kind

1684
01:14:15,239 --> 01:14:17,279
of keep me knowing that I've had it in the

1685
01:14:17,359 --> 01:14:19,199
right direction. And one of the things that will show

1686
01:14:19,239 --> 01:14:22,039
you if your leap of faith was a good idea

1687
01:14:22,159 --> 01:14:26,039
is how quickly you get caught. Because it can feel

1688
01:14:26,079 --> 01:14:28,279
scary and it can feel unknown, but you will if

1689
01:14:28,319 --> 01:14:30,039
you take a leap of faith to do something that

1690
01:14:30,079 --> 01:14:33,720
you love or to create you will notice if it's

1691
01:14:33,800 --> 01:14:35,840
the right thing, the universe will show you it's the

1692
01:14:35,920 --> 01:14:38,640
right thing because you can feel that it's the right thing. Right.

1693
01:14:38,760 --> 01:14:41,399
I've done leaps of faith that were the wrong thing.

1694
01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:44,199
Like I started this company called how to Go a

1695
01:14:44,279 --> 01:14:46,960
million years ago, and it was like this overnight bag

1696
01:14:47,000 --> 01:14:48,920
for girls that went out and like you know, they

1697
01:14:48,920 --> 01:14:51,239
had like their dresses and heels and you have to

1698
01:14:51,279 --> 01:14:52,600
like put that on. You have makeup on your face,

1699
01:14:52,600 --> 01:14:54,039
you have flashes out. Like it was like this whole

1700
01:14:54,079 --> 01:14:55,800
bag so that you could leave a guy's house and

1701
01:14:55,880 --> 01:14:57,680
like a shirt and leggings and now it's like that

1702
01:14:57,840 --> 01:14:59,960
there's a makeup wipe and a little pouch for jewelry

1703
01:15:00,079 --> 01:15:01,800
and like a tope for like your clothes from the night.

1704
01:15:02,079 --> 01:15:04,079
It was a brilliant idea. I was like, I'm going

1705
01:15:04,119 --> 01:15:06,319
to be on the cover of Forbes. No. I sunk

1706
01:15:06,359 --> 01:15:08,840
like one hundred thousand dollars into that business, lost it all.

1707
01:15:09,560 --> 01:15:12,000
It was like one hit after the next. Everything felt horrible.

1708
01:15:12,039 --> 01:15:13,800
The universe was like, this is not your path. You're

1709
01:15:13,840 --> 01:15:15,600
not going to be on the cover of Forbes. And

1710
01:15:16,199 --> 01:15:18,159
so I think if you listen to those signs a

1711
01:15:18,199 --> 01:15:19,960
little sooner than I did. I was very adamant, and

1712
01:15:19,960 --> 01:15:21,159
I was like, no, this is going to work. And

1713
01:15:21,159 --> 01:15:23,439
then the pandemic happened and nobody was outing and nobody

1714
01:15:23,479 --> 01:15:25,079
was going, and I was like, all right, maybe it's

1715
01:15:25,119 --> 01:15:28,840
not the thing, but God will will support you if

1716
01:15:28,840 --> 01:15:32,079
you're headed in the right direction. So just imagine there's

1717
01:15:32,079 --> 01:15:34,359
a God that's supporting you throughout this journey, and then

1718
01:15:36,600 --> 01:15:38,840
just know that there is. You know that synchronicity is

1719
01:15:38,840 --> 01:15:41,359
going to start to make it feel to make it

1720
01:15:41,479 --> 01:15:44,359
all feel like it makes sense. If we take care

1721
01:15:44,359 --> 01:15:46,399
of God's business, he will take care of yours. This

1722
01:15:46,479 --> 01:15:48,640
is something that's like a lot of This book also

1723
01:15:48,680 --> 01:15:50,880
has crossover with AA, which is maybe one of the

1724
01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:54,159
reasons that I like it. You know, our God wants

1725
01:15:54,239 --> 01:15:55,880
us to be happy, joyous, and free. He does not

1726
01:15:55,920 --> 01:15:57,399
want us to be broke. He wants us to have

1727
01:15:57,479 --> 01:16:04,000
money to create. This creator says, looks suspiciously like someone

1728
01:16:04,000 --> 01:16:07,439
who just might send us support for our creative ventures.

1729
01:16:07,760 --> 01:16:11,239
You know, listen, this is a big It's a big

1730
01:16:11,319 --> 01:16:16,000
chapter about trusting in the universe, trusting God, redefining your God,

1731
01:16:16,199 --> 01:16:19,279
and kind of leaning into him more than you lean

1732
01:16:19,319 --> 01:16:22,119
into your bank account and your financial goals, and like,

1733
01:16:22,520 --> 01:16:24,600
what would your life look like if it wasn't like, oh,

1734
01:16:24,640 --> 01:16:26,119
I need this much money to be safe. I need

1735
01:16:26,159 --> 01:16:28,119
this much money to be safe. How would you feel

1736
01:16:28,199 --> 01:16:33,079
if money was no issue? What would make you feel protected?

1737
01:16:33,159 --> 01:16:35,520
If money was not the thing that made you feel unsafe.

1738
01:16:36,359 --> 01:16:38,399
It's a good thing to look at. You know. God's

1739
01:16:38,439 --> 01:16:41,720
not a cheap God's not a cheap skate. And the

1740
01:16:41,720 --> 01:16:44,239
more generous you expect him to be, the more generous

1741
01:16:44,279 --> 01:16:46,840
he will be. So all too often we become blocked

1742
01:16:46,880 --> 01:16:48,520
and blame it on our lack of money. This is

1743
01:16:48,560 --> 01:16:51,399
never an authentic block. So if you're reading this book

1744
01:16:51,399 --> 01:16:52,560
and you're like, I want to become a painter, I

1745
01:16:52,600 --> 01:16:56,439
can't afford paint that, you know that seems very legitimate,

1746
01:16:56,520 --> 01:16:59,239
but it's like a very there's a stop gap. There's

1747
01:16:59,279 --> 01:17:01,640
things you can afford, or they're a painting class, you know,

1748
01:17:01,680 --> 01:17:06,039
where the paint is provided. Whatever it is, just know

1749
01:17:06,159 --> 01:17:08,039
that if that's like one of your blocks that's coming up,

1750
01:17:08,079 --> 01:17:11,439
it's just not super valid. I love you for having

1751
01:17:11,479 --> 01:17:13,640
it because I've definitely had it before too, but it's

1752
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:18,359
not it's not super valid. So there's money, there's money,

1753
01:17:18,359 --> 01:17:21,359
exercises here at the end of this chapter that I

1754
01:17:21,399 --> 01:17:24,279
need you guys to do if I had money, if

1755
01:17:24,319 --> 01:17:26,039
I could afford it, this is what i'd do. If

1756
01:17:26,079 --> 01:17:27,880
I had some money, I'd do this. I'm afraid that

1757
01:17:28,199 --> 01:17:31,000
if I had money, blank would happen. Money causes this.

1758
01:17:31,159 --> 01:17:33,880
It's kind of undoing all of our beliefs, most of

1759
01:17:33,920 --> 01:17:36,199
them toxic, a lot of them coming from our parents

1760
01:17:36,239 --> 01:17:41,680
about money and what we deserve in that that sort

1761
01:17:41,720 --> 01:17:44,279
of realm. So let's just take a good look at

1762
01:17:44,359 --> 01:17:47,119
our higher power and a good look at its relationship

1763
01:17:47,119 --> 01:17:51,000
to abundance this week, and do your tasks, and I

1764
01:17:51,039 --> 01:17:53,840
love you all so much. All right, besties. That wraps

1765
01:17:53,920 --> 01:17:56,159
up our episode. I just want to say quickly, if

1766
01:17:56,199 --> 01:17:58,800
you haven't gone to Spotify or Apple or wherever you

1767
01:17:58,840 --> 01:18:00,920
listen to this podcast and give us five stars. If

1768
01:18:00,920 --> 01:18:02,439
you could do that us as me and all of

1769
01:18:02,479 --> 01:18:05,119
my personalities, that would be great. And if you're not

1770
01:18:05,119 --> 01:18:08,439
subscribed on YouTube yet, go do that. It's Britney Schmidt

1771
01:18:08,479 --> 01:18:13,600
Comedy on YouTube. And the best, best, best way to

1772
01:18:13,640 --> 01:18:17,359
support this podcast right now is to join the Patreon.

1773
01:18:17,520 --> 01:18:20,680
We are doing Piping hot Tea on the Patreon. I

1774
01:18:20,680 --> 01:18:23,239
am giving you the behind the scenes, all of the dirty,

1775
01:18:23,239 --> 01:18:26,199
dirty details of what's going on in my life, and

1776
01:18:26,319 --> 01:18:28,239
that is truly the best way to support the pod,

1777
01:18:28,319 --> 01:18:31,520
So please head over to the Patreon and subscribe today.

1778
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:33,640
Thanks Bestie, See you next week.