Speaker 1: Well, well, well, welcome back, besties. It is a mother.
I'm so excited to be here with you guys this week. Listen,
we're going to get right into it. We have an
amazing guest today. He is my astrologist, one of my
dear friends, and the now author of a book called Unbreakable.
Please enjoy this episode with Sean Breathwaite.
Speaker 2: This is what breakups look like, exactly.
Speaker 1: This is exactly, no makeup, bags under my eyes, fucking
hair's a mess. Mike's yelling at me. Sean's right again, like,
I'm so happy to have you back. Well, not back
because you did my old podcast, but you haven't done
this one. So I'm so excited to have you here.
Speaker 3: I'm so excited too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel last time. Okay, so let's go back
in time to the last time we did podcast together.
You came in and you were like, this year is
going to be a really rough year. And I don't
remember the exact terminology you said, but it was about
like the world as a whole, it's going to have
a rough year. And then a few years later, a
few years later, a few days later, Mike, what ha
happened to our lights? The la fires broke out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly when did I come last time? So I
can put this in my head.
Speaker 1: You came in like early January. It was I think
it was our New Year's episode because we were talking
about like going into the New year and manifesting and
all that.
Speaker 3: Five.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, because the thing is is that that was
a nine year for the collective.
Speaker 1: So explain what that means.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's basically like the ending of a cycle. That's
the ending of a collective cycle of all lessons that
are meant to be learned. Anything that is meant to
come to a head will come to a head. Everything
will be revealed. And you know, just like with relationships,
like we were talking about earlier, when things need to
come to a head and be revealed and we haven't
actively done that to participate in revealing them, then the
universe is basically like, Okay, if you're not going to
help me reveal, I'm gonna have to just shove this
in your face, right, you know, and then when that happens,
you have to deal with it, right, And that's what
is all about exactly.
Speaker 1: So we didn't deal with something and then they're like,
we're gonna have an uber driver start a fire.
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, So deal with this now, yeah, deal with that.
Speaker 2: And so now we're in a one universal year, which
is brand new beginnings for everything.
Speaker 1: So that's why, yes, Pratt is now going to be
the mayor. He's going to fix everything.
Speaker 3: That's a new beginning.
Speaker 1: That's the new beginning. It's a new beginning for him
and for us. Okay, so one year is new, brand
new for all of us. Explain what that means.
Speaker 2: Well, Basically, just as a collective, we're now in a
seed planting phase because after a nine year cycle, you're
meant to have learned the lessons you're supposed to learn
as a collective. And when that takes place, we then
have a new chapter of a blank slate really based
on all of the information that you've collected, and then
stepping into what seeds are we going to plant now
collectively in terms of what our belief systems are going
to be, what our financial systems are going to be,
what type of spiritual reference points are we going to have.
That's why everything's about now, like establishing as much as
we can a collective understanding. And it's really challenging now
because everybody's opinion is being heard, and it from my perspective,
I feel like we're just over complicating everything, We're over
analyzing everything, and so you know, that's why when it
came to what I feel like I really have an
understanding of I decided to write the book.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you have. I mean, I'm so excited
to get into this book. It's about love and relationships
and how to navigate them. And it's interesting because your
background is in astrology. Yes, but the book doesn't really
talk about that. It's more about just communication within a
relationship structure. I want to get to that later though, Okay,
no problem. Right now. I want to talk about right now.
I would like to give you the chance to say.
Speaker 2: I told you so, which you're you're forcing me into.
Speaker 3: But I'll take it. I'll take it.
Speaker 2: I'll told you so because the thing is, the funny
story that I want to tell them about is there
was a day that you and I i'd been doing
readings for.
Speaker 3: You for a while, we got along really well. I knew.
The thing is when I do a reading.
Speaker 2: For someone, I see their chart initially, right, and so
I'll know, like I'm going to really get along with
this person you know, and there's nobody that I'm like,
oh God, here they come. But I also I do
know when i'm really compatibout with somebody, So I knew
when I saw your child, I'm like, we're going to
get along really well, which we did. And I can't
remember how many years we had been working together before
we had like our first like friendship date. We actually
went out to have like a friendship date. On our
first friendship date, I started talking to Brittany about like
what I had gone through that day with a client,
and I was like, it's just, you know, this thing
is a lot of times with especially my female clients,
when they're in a relationship and then they want to
spend so much time like analyzing and diagnosing the guy
they're with instead of looking at what part they're playing
in it. And she decided at that moment that she
was going to teach me a lesson and stand up
for any girl or all women that I was talking about,
and proceeded to pull up the receipts and pure trust
fashion of every time I had been wrong astrologically. Also
told me that had aged out of attractiveness. This is
this is you remember this.
Speaker 1: Yes, there's no way I think you're so hot. There's
no way. I was making a joke.
Speaker 2: I'm making a joke. Remember afterwards it you kept it
because I thought it was hilarious. The thing is, and
then she called me afterwards it was like, I'm sorry
I verbally eviscerated you on our first day.
Speaker 3: You know, I love you. Everything's cool.
Speaker 2: But I'm just saying that because now I can say
that you're giving me h You're giving me points for
when I am correct. And this relationship, if that's what
you're talking about, this last relationship you're in. We do
this thing called the gang Bangometers, the.
Speaker 1: Gang Bango Meter. It's the best, so we on a
ten scale. We decide when I give you their information
their birthday, you give them a rating between one and ten,
ten being the highest, one being the lowest. And where
they're at on the gang Bangometer.
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2: And so her most recent relationship, even though I didn't
have as a rising sign, which is an extremely important
part of the puzzle, based on the information I did have,
he did not rate so high. And I was like,
you know, these are gonna be the really positive things
about him, and these are gonna be the challenges about him.
And you know, next thing, you know, she's like, so
I'm moving and we're getting married. You know, it went
very fast, in typical Britney fashion. It went from zero
to one hundred. And I was like, okay, you know,
try to find that rising sign for me.
Speaker 1: You literally said you cannot move across the country until
you give me the rising sign. And I was like, well,
the truck's here, So I guess I should clarify the
gang bang A meter is astrological. Gang bang.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's definitely astrological.
Speaker 3: There's nothing else going on.
Speaker 2: But but yeah, so I mean, I guess I can
take and I told you so.
Speaker 1: Yeah, take and I told you so, and then explain
why you said that it might have its challenges.
Speaker 2: Because the thing is, when it comes to astrology, the
most important thing to connect on is your moon sign,
because when people get upset in relationships, you're operating from
your emotions your moon sign. So the more compatible your
moon signs are, the more you're going to be able
to speak the same language and connect emotionally when you're upset. Right,
And so I saw that with your moon being Aquarius
and his moon being Capricorn, that's a challenge, right, you know,
because the thing is Capricorn is very first of all,
Capricorn moon sign is very guarded emotionally, and so they
when they're going through something, their first instinct is to
internalize and deal with it all on their own and
then just come to you with what they're going to do.
And your moon being aquarious, you like to talk things
out and talk them out immediately, you know, And so
that was already a conflict of interest. So I was like, Okay,
this is going to be a challenge, you know. And
then the thing is your sun signs Taurus and Gemini,
that that's really fun, you know, Yeah.
Speaker 1: It's really fun across the country fun exactly exactly.
Speaker 2: And so I just knew that there would be like hurdles, yeah,
and they were there and then.
Speaker 1: Yes, hurdle and then it was a prick fucking wall.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I mean, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1: Interesting too because it is when we got into conflict
that we had a really hard time resolving it. And
there was more conflict in that relationship than any other
relationship I had been in. It was like almost constant,
like running up against lifestyle differences and you know, him
being like really defensive about his choices and me trying
to like kind of put boundaries in and he didn't want,
you know, he didn't want him and then he was
like really defending his way to live. And yeah, it
was just And now that it's like the end, it's
even harder because we're getting like even nastier.
Speaker 2: Right you know, Yeah, that's I mean, I hate to
keep bringing back to the book because I know you
want to talk about it.
Speaker 1: We can start talking about the book. Let's do it, just.
Speaker 2: Because I really think that's going to help in terms
of the tools of being able to express what is
that you need moving forward and be able to to
reach a resolution.
Speaker 1: Okay, so let's get into the book. So you wrote
this book called Unbreakable and it's a really short read,
but it's really profound. When you were like, that's exactly
the goal, when you were like, you need to read
my book before the podcast, I was time to read
a book. And then I got it. I was like,
wait a minute, it's more like a manual exactly. And
it's what is it seventy pages sixty seven It's it's.
Speaker 2: Like fifty sixty it's so short.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very short.
Speaker 3: But it's where can we buy the book? Yeah, Amazon,
you can get on Amazon.
Speaker 2: I mean really, if you just even if you just
google Unbreakable by Sean Breathwaite, yeah, then you will, you'll
find many places to buy it. But right now Amazon
is I think.
Speaker 3: The I'll make sure we plug it at least four
more times.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, thing, yes, I love that. So oh but
the beauty of it being so short is because I know, like,
especially now, everyone's attention span is so small it's nothing.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So and I really feel like one of the gifts
that I have accumulated over time doing astrology things like
that is being able to bottom line information really practically
and in a way that's understandable and in a way
that's just efficient and straight to the point.
Speaker 3: And so I really wanted to.
Speaker 2: Give people the ability to be able to communicate what
their needs were in a solution oriented way. And so,
because the thing is with relationships, we're never taught how
to have a functional relationship and we don't have many
examples of them totally.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think for me growing up, when I
was raised, I was so afraid to express my needs
because they were often met with resistance or anger, or
you know, whatever emotional chaos my mom had in her
pocket that day. So I find myself in adult relationships,
and more so in my first marriage, I was very
afraid to say what I needed because I was afraid
that it was going to be mess. So I didn't
even have the language. And this book kind of helps
you find the language of like not being like in
someone's face like I need this, I'm fucking out, but
more like this is how I feel, this is what
I need. Are you willing to do that like those
kind of steps, yes, exactly, So talk me through how
I should handle the rest of this breakup.
Speaker 3: Okay, So here's the thing.
Speaker 2: It's like, every time you're in a relationship and you
get into a situation where you want to talk about
what the issue is, you want to talk about your problems.
You come to the table usually trying to explain to
the person what they did that upset you, right, and
one hundred percent of the time when you do that,
the other person then is going to defend what they
did and try to get you to understand that you're
seeing it the wrong way or that you're feeling the
wrong way about it. So what this book does is
it tells you what to say and how to say
it in a way that isn't accusatory at all and
just focuses on what it is you need in order
to feel better. So it's like in this situation, you
would as you move forward, when challenges come up with
the breakup, you would first establish what it is that
you need in order to feel better about the scenario.
Speaker 1: A new boyfriend.
Speaker 2: Because what I thought was what I thought was so
interesting when I watched your last podcast you were talking
about there were red flags in the beginning, right, So
now you have the tools when a red flag comes up,
because this is this is exactly what this book is for.
It works in the dating process, it works during the
relationship process, and during the dating process when a red
flag comes up, instead of doing what society is like
telling us to do now, which is you see a
red flag that determines what they're capable of and what
they're not capable of, So run the other way, queen,
because you deserve more, you know, and everybody celebrates that. Yeah,
and sure have your deal breakers for and I say,
have three deal breakers. If you have more than those,
maybe question what's going on.
Speaker 1: So they look at the mirror if you're the deal exactly.
Speaker 2: But it's like, have your deal breakers. So if they
do certain things, like for me, a deal breaker is cheating.
You know, there's no conversation. If you cheated, I'm done.
Speaker 1: Okay. So in your if someone is texting someone else slatiously,
is that cheating in your opinion to you? Then, by
the way, I'm open to the fact that people have
different opinions of cheating.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 2: So if for me and my relationship, if someone is
doing that and we hadn't talked about it yet, like
if I had never said these are my dough breakers,
cheating is my dough breaker. And just so you know,
texting someone silatiously for me is cheating. Then if that
hadn't taken place yet, when it came up, what I
would do is say I need to talk to you
the whole requesting time thing, and then I would say,
when you text someone like that, this is how it
makes me feel. Are you willing to stop that? And
then given their response, that informs you of what they're
capable of moving forward. But in my personal opinion, yes,
I would not be okay with that, you know. But
the thing is I do think it's really important in
relationships to be very clear on what works for you
and what doesn't early on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so clear. And that's it's such a good point
because it's like all the red flags that I talked
about in the beginning of him following a bunch of whoes.
I'm sorry, they're beautiful, following these beautiful women he used
to sleep with, not cars, they're so hot, Like I'm
you know, am I jealous? No, but like they're yeah,
a little you know, they're so hot and they're like
in their twenties. I'm like, I'm an old hag, but
just like.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 1: But those things that bothered me early on, I don't
think I was clear enough about how much they bothered me, right,
And when I finally brought them up in a meaningful way,
I was already mad to the point where I was
holding onto the resentment and I was going to hold
onto it forever.
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1: So it's like I kind of did get in my
own way in that capacity, like my pride being like
he should know better. He shouldn't, Yeah, he should not.
He should of course not be following these women. He
should know better. But my pride like no, like this
is my man, Like he can follow, you know, he
can follow who he wants, he can do what he wants.
Eventually he'll take care of it. And he never took
care of it until I said something. Then he was
like absolutely, like I'll get rid of da da da
da da. And then but it was like for me,
it was the fact that I had to keep being like,
this is not appropriate behavior. This is not appropriate behavior.
This over here is also not appropriate behavior. I don't
love you, know what I mean?
Speaker 2: This is So this is the perfect example, It really is.
Because the thing is when you're seeing these things happen initially,
like the steps are you first establish the level of importance.
So when you saw these things happen and you knew
they didn't sit right with you, so that's when you
establish is this something I can get over or is
this something that I need to address? Clearly, you weren't
going to get over it, so you needed to address
it right. And so then the second step is establishing
what you would need in order to feel better. So
instead of doing that, you did exactly what you did,
which is like, we'll just kind of see what happens.
This is my man, he should be able to do this,
he should want to do that, I shoul trust him.
Blah blah blah, instead of then thinking, okay, if I
know this is a problem, what will I need in
order to fill And then you request time because anytime
you just show up saying you know, we need to
talk right now.
Speaker 1: Oh, that's the worst feeling in the world. We need
to put a bullet in my head.
Speaker 2: Exactly instantly feel defensive. It just sets it up all wrong.
So we request time and say there's something I want
to talk to you about. Let me know what a
good time is.
Speaker 1: Then that gives anxiety.
Speaker 2: But it gives them time to process the anxiety. But
they lose but they need that time.
Speaker 1: So that will body is gonna let you take that time.
They're gonna be like, let's talk right now.
Speaker 2: But if they do, they then have established that that's
when they're ready to be receptive because and the truth is,
I work with so many couples. Many people do take
that time. They're like, Okay, we'll talk about it. You
can't say next week. There has to be a turnaround time.
But if you're like, okay, we can talk about it,
you know, at six o'clock today or whatever. Then that
gives them the time to finish whatever they were doing,
to process whatever they need to process, and then to
sit down and be receptive to you.
Speaker 1: I would love you to find me one person spin
out for those hours and between, let's schedule a time
to talk.
Speaker 2: If you're if you're a spinner, if you're the type
of person who wants to know immediately, then great, that's
what you have, that right to say, I want to
talk about it right now. But the beautiful thing is.
Speaker 1: The beautiful like a fucking ballerina.
Speaker 2: The beautiful thing is if we're if we're in a
relationship and I say I need to talk to you
when it's a good time, and you say right now
because you don't want to spend the beautiful thing is
I'm immediately coming to you with this is what I'm.
Speaker 3: Asking you to do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and see if I were to do it all
over again in this relationship, is Mike tit out? Oh yeah,
my nipples out every time? Thanks Mike. It like put
it away for.
Speaker 2: The views exactly.
Speaker 1: If I were to do this, you just.
Speaker 2: Small it was a short amount of time.
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If I were to do this relationship again, obviously I'm
not going to, but my next relationship, yes, but for
the sake of the conversation, if I were to reverse
time on this one, yes, I would have. Every time
something bothered me, said something and said it in a
more constructive way, because I think what I did was
I was like, this behavior bothers me.
Speaker 2: I don't like this behavior, and then you explained why
you don't like it. Yeah, that's the problem because what
that does that opens up a debate. The moment you
start telling me why you don't like something, then I
can respond to you about why your perspective is wrong totally.
Speaker 1: And that's what it was like a game of ping pong.
Speaker 2: That's every every single couple I sit down with, it's
the same fight in different ways because as soon as
you start telling them why you feel the way that
you feel, which is basically why you're wrong, you know,
telling them why they're wrong, why their behavior is wrong,
they're going to start explaining to you that your perspective
is off. And the thing is you can't people now
all they want to do is feel validated, right, I
feel understood. And the thing is, if you're looking for validation,
that's really code for I.
Speaker 1: Need you to agree with me totally.
Speaker 2: And if you're looking for that as a resolution, you're
going to lose every time because what you want to
know instead of do you think the way that I
feel is validated? And do you agree with it? Instead
of that, it's like, do you love me enough to
do what I need you to do in order to
build trust and to make sure I feel better?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Because if I can do what you need me to do,
I can think that you're reasoning for it. It's completely ridiculous,
which is fine because especially when it comes to men
and women, they see life differently, and a lot of
times women will want the guy to understand where they're
coming from, but men process the world differently, and a
lot of times when my female clients tell me, you know,
he doesn't get me and he judges everything that I feel,
I'm like, it's because he's processing the world differently. Is
he able to do what it is or is he
willing to do what it is that you need in
order to feel better, then that's what the solution is
because otherwise, if he is understanding and being like, yes,
I totally get it, I always tell them you're lucky
that or basically you can just trust that you're a
man will never leave you for another man because he's
behaving like a man. He's understanding the world like a
man does. So it's just it's so important to stay away.
Speaker 4: From I'm just saying that, like, if he's processing the
world in a similar way where he's understanding all your
feelings and which I'm not saying that straight guys can't
do that.
Speaker 2: Of course they can. They're gonna understand it.
Speaker 3: They can be.
Speaker 2: Compassionate, but there's gonna be many times that they think
that you're that the way that you're reacting is ridiculous.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: The important thing is are they willing to do what
makes you feel better?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing. And I think the thing that
we ran up against you is he said that he would,
he'd I'll do anything, I'll change anything, all blah blah,
blah blah. And then I gave him a list of
like this is what I need, and then he couldn't
do it, you know what I mean. So it was
like the actions and the words were different. I was
listening to the words for so long and not the actions.
And that's that's the worst thing in the world, you know,
Like to just feel unsafe in a relationship. It's like,
I'd rather just feel unsafe by myself.
Speaker 2: No, And that's that's the follow through because but that
then determines for you, is this person gonna be able
to have the relationship that I know that I'm capable
of having, right, And that establishes that and earlier on
you can establish that by using this solution oriented communication
like in the dating process.
Speaker 1: But like, how fucking annoying is it that we have
to tell guys not to follow every girl they've ever fucked.
Can you imagine if I followed every guy I ever fucked?
Can you imagine if I just followed the Los Angeles
Lakers and I was like interacting with every single one
of their pictures, being like, hey, I'm still here, I'm
still here. Remember when we smashed. I'm still here.
Speaker 3: That is understandable that that is a frustrating.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, and I think too. I think too. I
feel bad for anyone who comes next, because Chris was
such a wonderful partner and he was so like, I'm
not kidding you when other girls would talk to him
and they would hit on him all the time. He's
so handsome, he would like look into the distance like
he was seasick on a boat, Like he really would
not even like make it was so he was so
well trained. And then to like go to the complete opposite,
which is like someone who's following all these girls, interacting
with all these girls, going out late, having after parties
with random girls over like just doing all this stuff.
I just am like, how did I get here? But
I guess it's because I swung. Well, the thing is
twelve years in the other direction, but you can.
Speaker 2: This is where the astrology comes in for me, at least,
This is why when I look at Chris's chart, I'm
gonna know naturally his way of seeing the world and
processing the world is if he's in a relationship, he
already puts those those guardrails up, you know, like he's
a scorpion. His moon is cancer. That's that when it
comes to like my moon is cancer also, So when
it comes to relationships, you're like, these are the yeses
and no's, these are the rules.
Speaker 3: They're very clear. So and that's fine.
Speaker 2: That's great when you're with somebody who has that, because
then you don't have to have those conversations regarding those things.
Speaker 3: But you don't have to.
Speaker 2: I mean, you're not gonna have to tell every single
person to unfollow everybody. It's just saying, like establishing for
yourself what you know your clear parameters are, and then
communicating those in a way to see if they're capable
of doing that, you know, And it's like if they're
in a relationship and they want to put the health
of the relationship as a priority, then why would it
even be a problem, you know, So I just think
it's it's so it's just really sad to me right
now because the frustration and that I see with everybody
when it comes to relationships. You know, they'll comment on
We'll see a post or something about a relationship or
or a couple fighting or something like I'm so glad
I'm single, and I'm like, it's because you're looking at
a horrible relationship. It's like me watching one of those
videos of.
Speaker 1: It's like you watching the Titanic and being like, I'm
so glad I'm not on a cruise exactly.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly the point. It doesn't make any sense. So,
I mean it makes sense, but it's like, if you
actually look at a good relationship, which is possible, and
understand how to have one, then you're thinking, I would
love to have a teammate that I can play the
game of life with and to go towards every problem
with as a team and solve every problem and experience.
Speaker 1: So that's another great thing that you talk about in
this book, which is approaching problems as us versus the
problem rather than us versus each other.
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly. And mindset shift, the mindset.
Speaker 1: Mindset shift. I think that's so poignant because I think
oftentimes and like, you know, whatever however we're raised, whatever
fight or flight is in our systems, Like when we
get into conflict, it's easy to be like go into
survival mode and self preservation, and sometimes you're preserving yourself
against the person that you're supposed to be on a
team with and in a partnership with, and that gets
into a really tricky space when you are fighting against
each other rather than with each other to figure the
problem out.
Speaker 3: Exactly. Yeah.
Speaker 2: The thing is that the very first step before I
even go into the what the actual solutionary into communication
steps are, the first thing is the mindset shift, which
is changing from me versus you to us versus the problem.
Because like you were saying, when you would explain what
you were upset about, you would then explain why it
was wrong, So then it became a debate about you know,
whether you.
Speaker 3: Two even agreed that it was wrong.
Speaker 2: And that's where the me versus you always comes from,
because it's like I have my perspective, you have your perspective.
Let's argue that perspective now, and which takes you completely
off course of what the original issue was, which is
you're not okay with a certain behavior, right. The only
thing that solves problems is behavior change, not a stack
valid points.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: So it's like, in order to get the behavior change,
then you have to request that behavior change specifically and clearly,
and and yeah, and doing it in a way though
that's not.
Speaker 1: No, just like no, just be fucking normal.
Speaker 2: But the thing is, that's another thing that I get
a lot, especially from women, which is like I don't
want to have to tell him. Aren't some things just
common sense? The thing is, it's like, it's not common
sense to know how you specifically need to be loved,
do you know what I mean? Like, there's how many
billions of people are there on the planet. You cannot
say it's common sense to know exactly how Britney needs
to be loved and to feel loved.
Speaker 1: So why not takes like really really, the bar is
like so fucking low, it's almost in hell.
Speaker 2: But then it should then it should be easy to explain.
Because the thing is, once you get these things out
of the way early on, you realize later in the relationship.
You rarely fight, I promise you, because the thing is,
the fights are usually, like you said, little pieces of
resentment that have they resolved, continuing to be fed. But
they're usually on the same topic. But the thing is
if you resolve them early on, because I call it
the three phases of a relationship are the fantasy phase,
which you clearly were going through when you were telling
me you were moving across the country.
Speaker 1: You all was packed up, and everybody goes to the
lesbian speed in this.
Speaker 5: Relationship, Like I was just like, wow, we're exactly That's why,
that's why I have a girl crush right now, I
think maybe I'm a lesbian.
Speaker 2: Now, okay, that is absolutely not what you're not a lesbian,
I mean lesbian moment lesbian. I absolutely don't judge. All
relationships should be all relationships.
Speaker 3: But the thing is is that.
Speaker 1: That was the most nothing sandwich of a sentence. All
relationships should be all relationship.
Speaker 2: What I mean, I always have a stroke every time
you and I talk. That was that was my stroke
during this, during this moment. But all relationships do not
should be able to exist totally no judgment.
Speaker 1: So but every time you see me, I'm eating pussy.
Just no, I told just the.
Speaker 2: Congratulations I could.
Speaker 1: And where will we see this exactly?
Speaker 3: Where will we.
Speaker 1: See this exactly? The exact stream.
Speaker 2: But once you get through the fantasy phase and then
you get to the fix it phase, that's the phase
that most people don't get out of because that's when
everything comes up that is meant to come up.
Speaker 3: So and there's I think that.
Speaker 1: I had a bunch of questions about this, by the way,
three phases of a relationship. Yeah, yeah, we are okay.
Speaker 2: But the thing is, I have a quote from Gabra
Mate that I think is really important for people.
Speaker 1: To I really like this in the chapter five the
follow through when you're talking about honoring an agreement is
about integrity. If you say yes, it matters. So like
when you are doing when you're like okay, when you're
on the other side of an argument and you're like
this is what I need and they say they'll give
it to you, and then they immediately don't. It's I
feel like that, then is there them showing you their character?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: But then also question for you because I always say
this thing, I say, when when someone shows you who
they are you have to believe it the first time. Okay,
how do you feel about that?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 2: So this is why I think the deal breakers are
so important. Okay, because the thing is, if I'm going
into relationship with you and I know what my deal
breakers are, if you break if you break one of
my deals now, but if you execute one of the
deal breakers, then yeah, I see who you are.
Speaker 3: I'm done.
Speaker 2: But we also have to understand we're all a work
in progress. There's going to be things that a person
does that you don't like, and that may be who
they are right then at that moment. And I'm not
saying fall in love with potential, and I'm not saying
get someone to change for you, but I am saying,
if you express to them how that makes you feel,
and give them the opportunity to understand what would make
you feel better, and they're saying, Okay, I didn't know
what made you feel that way. I totally get that,
I'm perfectly willing to do something different to make you
feel better.
Speaker 3: Then not only have.
Speaker 2: You just built trust in the relationship, but then that's
where growth really happens, because think about it, you're not
who you were five years ago, but if I judged
you based on your behavior at that time, does that mean.
Speaker 1: That I've gotten worse?
Speaker 2: So the thing that I'm saying is that you have not.
Speaker 3: You have not got worse.
Speaker 2: The thing is is that if you are judging someone
on their behavior without giving them the opportunity to show
you that once they understand how it makes you feel,
that they're willing to grow and change with you, then
I think you're doing yourself a disservice because it's too
easy to cut and run, which is a lot of
tactics called the breakup reflex. I used to be that
person I was. I was in a relationship where I
was called backpack boy because every time I got pissed,
I would like always carry to chance or yeah, I
would pack my chit up and I'm out. This is
not working for me. But the thing is that robs
you from the opportunity a to reflect, establish what you need,
communicate it effectively, and give that person the opportunity to
be a part of this, because if they can, you
two have just grown together and then they change by default,
not by you saying either you do this or I'm out.
Speaker 1: You know, do you think I was? Do you think
I just cut and run.
Speaker 2: Absolutely not, because the thing is, I think one of
your deal breakers is cheating. Yeah, basically because when you
called me.
Speaker 1: The thing is, we have different definitions of cheating. He
does not think what he did is cheating. He said
it was never sexual and there was never any ill intent.
So he's like, I never cheated.
Speaker 3: On this definition doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And this is what I'm saying that when it
comes to your deal breakers, people don't have to agree
on what the other person is establishing. That's what That's
the whole point of this. It's like, if you know
your deal breaker is cheating and this is what cheating
is to you, and he's clear on that and he
does it, then you're not cutting and running. You're saying, like,
I already told you this doesn't work for me, right, But.
Speaker 1: I guess I never told him. But I can't believe
I would have to tell anyone that, Like, you can't
get half naked pictures from your best friend and she
can't say how harny does this make you.
Speaker 2: The reason you can't believe that, though, is because for you,
that's deal breaker. I will tell you from experience, there
are relationships where they can that's not a deal breaker
for them. It's something that they might get irritated by,
but they work through it. But that's not for you,
and it doesn't need to be. That's what I remember
when when I called you from Vegas, my favorite place
on the planet. Yeah, what I called you from Vegas
and we were talking it through and I was saying
to you, I was like, Okay, the only way through
this because you were telling me like, there's no way
through this. It's like once you do that, I'm never
going to be able to trust you. And I was like, Okay,
the only way through it if you wanted to entertain
this idea is to establish what he could do to
earn your trust back. But you were basically saying there's
no way for him to earn your trust back.
Speaker 1: But then I did maybe I didn't update you.
Speaker 2: Well, I said, went to your last podcast and you
said you did give him those options and he broke
those Yeah.
Speaker 1: Five days record time. It was like the Usain Bolt
of fucking breaking that bucket.
Speaker 2: Then that is that is absolutely someone showing you that
they're incapable of honoring their word, and for.
Speaker 3: You, that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 2: So so that's why I'm just saying when you say,
if someone shows you who they are, believe them the
first time when it comes to certain things, Yes, but
not across the board, because I just know we all
need understanding that, like I said, we're all a work
in progress. And if someone looked at me and my
relationships when I was being backpack boy and be like,
he's incapable of dealing with what's going on because he's cut,
he's running every time, and didn't give me the opportunity
to show them differently, then I would have missed out
on the best relationship of my life. So I do
think it's important. A good example. Somebody that we know
I won't even but we know them. They're a common
person that we know. I'm not going to name the
name because I don't want them to get pissed that
they see this, even though it's not nothing bad. But
I saw that she went on a date and she
was saying that the guy when he took her on
a date, it was like to some it was like
either a coffee shop or a fast food place or whatever. Anyway,
she was basically saying, if you think this is what
I'm worth, then I don't want to be with you
never told him that. Hey, when we went on that date,
it was cool, but just so you know, it makes
me feel really special if we go to a place
like whatever, giving him the opportunity to say, oh, I
had no idea that that's what you would like. Yeah,
because the guy might be thinking, I don't know her.
We're just gonna meet each other, you know, for a
quick little moment to see if we connect. There's so
many things that could be going on.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there are so many women, and I'm interested to
know what the listeners think too. There are so many
women who think a coffee as a first date is
a deal breaker, right. I think it is a blessing
because there's nothing worse than a dinner first date. And like,
you can get along with someone great over text, and
then you meet him in real life and you know
in like forty five seconds that it's not a vibe, right,
and then you're stuck there for a whole dinner, and
I'm like, now he has to watch me eat fucking
meat balls, Like I don't exactly I want to do this,
So I don't understand. I'm curious to know where the
like the walk first date and the coffee. First date
got such a bad reputation because people get fucking pissed.
Speaker 3: They get so.
Speaker 2: Pissed about it and they take it personally and then
they do the whole Well, I see what this person
is capable, I see what they're all about, or like
you said, they're showing me who they are, this is
their character, when it could just be a difference in opinion.
Like you said, you would love that version of a
date because you're not stuck talking to somebody where you're like,
get me the fuck out of here. Yeah, but that's
why the communication is so important. If you then decide, Okay,
this is something that matters to me. I established a
lovel of importance because I liked the person was attractive,
they seem like they had a good personality. Let me
share with them, you know what, when we had that date,
it was cool, but I would love it if you know,
then letting them know, giving them the opportunity to show
you Okay, great, you go on the next day, they
do exactly what it is you specifically let them know
that you would enjoy and then you have not only
built some trust with this person, but if you feel
safer with them, you feel like you can communicate more
openly because they didn't start saying to you, that's ridiculous
or why would you like that. It's like, you give
the other person the opportunity to show you that they're
capable of growth, which is necessary in every single relationship
no matter who you are, because I've been the crazy
one in relationship, I've been the same one. I've been,
you know, all versions, all types of relationships, and throughout
my life seeing that and then also with doing what
I do now and working with couples. If you don't
give the other person the opportunity to understand what it
is that you need specifically, then you're robbing yourself and
the relationship of the opportunity for the growth that it deserves.
Speaker 3: You did that.
Speaker 2: You did it not necessarily in the step by step away,
but you did it by default by saying once the
shit hit the fan and you said, okay, the only
way this can work is if and then he broke
that agreement, then yeah, that's sorry, we can't have this
relationship because you're not capable. That's a definitive, not a
reading into that is like a black and white. You
can't keep your word, so we can't be.
Speaker 3: Together, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all you have in this life is your word exactly.
You can't keep your word. It's like the Four Agreements.
Have you ever read that book?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, It's like one of the most important things is
being able to keep your word.
Speaker 3: It's so true.
Speaker 2: It's so true, and that is what establishes trust, and
that's what builds trust. But I just think that it's
right now more than ever. We really need something that's
simple and understandable for people to be able to communicate
because I just it makes me so sad because I
relationships are the most important thing in the world to me,
and this is what I love about you, seriously, one
of the many things I love about you. You will
go through some shit in a relationship and get right
back on the horse.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited today.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm so literally like you, I'm not letting this
motherfucker ruin my perspective.
Speaker 1: I'm a big age, I'm a big old age, and
it's like I got a few hot girl summers left
in me and this is one of them. I'm so
excited to date in New York. I'm like, this is
gonna be so fun.
Speaker 2: Yes, And the reason that you can have that perspective
is because you know that one person's behavior doesn't set
the tone for what all relationships are about.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and this is I think maybe the first breakup
that I went through where I didn't it dissolving, didn't
feel like a reflection of my worth, you know what
I mean, Like I didn't question my worth at any point.
I never was like, Oh, he's doing X, Y and Z,
He's giving these other girls this kind of attention that
I don't like. Is it because I'm not enough?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I literally was just like, no, he's actually like showing
me that, like he's not enough, you know, and that
maybe he like outkicked his coverage a little with me
and he's not ready to be the man that I need.
And that's okay too. It's like we're also at very
different phases in our life. You know, he's nine years
younger than me on most days, ten years today.
Speaker 2: You know, you gave him the opportunity though, to be
that man's Yeah, yeah, but you can't.
Speaker 1: That's the other thing. You can't make someone grow up
when they're not ready, you know. And I think about
myself and that satturn return year too, you know, because
he's twenty seven, twenty eight, he's going through the Saturn
return that is the most profound growth and change maybe
in a person's life, and he just has to go
through it, and he has to feel like, can you
actually explain Saturn return to everyone?
Speaker 3: The thing is Saturn.
Speaker 2: If you look at the planet Saturn like your father planet,
the one that's meant to teach you like responsibility and restrictions.
Because the Moon is like the mother planet, that's the
one that teaches us emotionally how to behave or how
we express ourselves emotionally in that understanding and learning, but
Saturn is the planet that is basically all about responsibility, obstacles, restrictions,
lessons to be learned. And so wherever Saturn was when
you were born is going to tell you in what
way that's going to manifest in your life. So when
Saturn comes back around, which only happens every like thirty
years or something. I don't know the exact number because
it's a it varies a little bit. But the thing
is when Saturn comes back around and is in the
same sign it was in when you were born, that's
your Saturn return, and that's those are the years and
we only have like three of them. If you live
to like ninety, then it's like you when Saturn returns,
that's a year, or that's it's more than a year.
But it's like a phase of your life life where
you are going to meet obstacles consistently that are giving
you the opportunity to grow. That's why this relationship for
him is an absolute growth opportunity.
Speaker 1: It's a gold mine. I think, like, I mean truly,
this breakup for him, I think is going to change
his life. Yes, And I don't say that because I'm
conceded and I think I'm so self important, but I
do think it is. You know, it is going to
change him profoundly for the better. And I kind of
hate that about like the relationships I've been in where
I have to like walk away for the change to happen.
But like all the things that I complained about in
my first marriage or wanted him to do differently, and
you know, he just didn't. When I walked away, that
was the impetus for change. And now he is the
man that I you know what I mean, that's the
man that I was like, come on, buddy, like all
seven years and.
Speaker 2: The thing is though, as you move forward in your relationships,
and as you learn lessons and as you go in,
as you change, the next relationship that you manifest could
be a situation that when you do communicate what it
is that you need, uh huh, then that change can happen. Well, yeah,
given the circumstances.
Speaker 1: That's the thing too. I'm so excited and not to
say I'm still so sad and mourning this relationship any
but I'm so excited because I feel like every meaningful
relationship I have, I learn so much, yes, and I
grow so much, and I feel like from this one,
like I just I'm so strong. I'm strong enough to
walk away. You know, I do it in really tough
times and horrible circumstances. But like, why am I so
strong to walk away? Which is harder than just speaking
my needs and my truth in the beginning of the relationship,
you know, Like, why is there that part of me
that like is such a people pleaser and I don't
want to like step on their toes or hurt their
feelings or seem crazy.
Speaker 2: That's the thing that's it, right that you just said it,
Because the thing is, especially when it comes to women,
when they express their feelings. They want to feel like
I was talking about earlier understood. They don't want to
feel like the person's thinking, oh, they're crazy, they're so dramatic,
they're so high maintenance, and they don't want to scare
them off. To a certain degree, it's like they don't
want them to get the wrong impression. So you're willing
to hold on to what you're feeling for fear that
it's going to be misinterpreted. That's why, given the tools,
you're basically just saying, given this method of communication, you're saying,
this is how I feel. I'm not even saying that
what you're doing is wrong. It's almost like if you're
talking about texting all those women or whatever, or following
all those women, it's like you're not necessarily saying that
it's wrong. You're just saying it doesn't work for you.
Speaker 1: It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good when I
look at these women like half Knight in their swimsuits
on a fucking yacht. Yes, I'm like, what about me
in a canoe?
Speaker 2: A canoe?
Speaker 1: You should be liking that picture.
Speaker 2: So when you established that that's how it makes you feel,
you don't have to argue whether it's right or wrong.
You're just saying, are you willing to stop this behavior?
Then they don't have to You don't have to have
the argument. So now you can move forward and not
be afraid to express what you feel because it's not
even it doesn't even matter how it's interpreted. Your feelings
are always valid. It's like you expressing that you're sad.
I can't say, no, you're not sad. But if you
say I'm sad because you're an asshole, then you think
that's a feeling. That's not a feeling, that's now a thought,
and we can debate that because we can debate whether
I think I'm an asshole or not. You know, And
the thing is women. A lot of times will I
need to keep jumping on women, But usually they're the
ones with more of the complaints, And it's not because
they're more emotional necessarily, it's just because they factor how
they're feeling more into establishing if the relationship is working
or not, and guys aren't going to give that much
weight to it.
Speaker 1: But isn't that a good gauge, Like how you feel
in a relationship really does determine how it's working.
Speaker 2: Or not absolutely absolutely. The thing what I'm saying, though,
is when guys are processing how they feel about the relationship,
it's not based on little emotional cues or certain behaviors.
It's more like, are we having fun together?
Speaker 3: Is you know?
Speaker 2: Is she laughing and having a good time? And are
we having good sex?
Speaker 3: And is this fun?
Speaker 2: Is this taking the stress out of my world? Does
she think I'm smart? Does she trust my decisions? It's
more things like that. So if those things were off,
he's gonna have a problem with it. But he's not
reading emotional cues in the same way that women do,
so they're gonna be affected more consistently. But when they are,
they need a safe space to be able to express
that without it being met with judgment. Because every single
couple I work with it's usually that same thing. He's
usually thinking, Okay, she's being crazy, she's overreacting, and she's
saying he's not understanding where I'm coming from, and that
the way to bridge that gap is to take the
conversation of whether she's validated in her feelings or whether
she has the right to feel that way isn't even important.
It's like, do you care enough to do what it
would take to make her feel better. So that's why
I'm moving forward. You wouldn't think I don't want to
say anything because I'm afraid of what the reaction would be.
This takes the reaction completely off the table. You can't
if you use this method of communication, you can't gaslight,
you can't manipulate because the thing is the only thing.
If we're using this together and you tell me how
you feel, I can only say you have every right to.
Speaker 3: Feel the way that you feel. What can I do
to make you feel better?
Speaker 2: And I have couples that refuse to come to me
anymore because it takes manipulation off the table.
Speaker 3: It's always the one who wants.
Speaker 2: To talk it out because they feel like if they
talk enough, they can talk you right out of feeling
how you feel. And you'll start questioning, well, maybe I
am being a little too intense, or maybe I am
seeing it the wrong way, and it's like, no, this is.
Speaker 3: How you feel.
Speaker 2: What do you need in order to feel better? So
it's like I wanted to give the tools for people
to feel safe, to come to the table with what's
going on and look for solutions.
Speaker 1: So when do you think in a relationship, it's appropriate
to let your partner know your deal breakers.
Speaker 2: I think early on it's so important. Really, I think
even this might sound a little extreme, but I think
even by like the first or second date, because because
a deal breaker isn't something. That's why I said if
you only have three yeah, and I said.
Speaker 3: At most three.
Speaker 2: Notice in the book, I said, with those three, because
really my only one is cheating.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I mean, of course I could be like when you
can't kill people, but it's like when you're gonna like
sit across from a murder.
Speaker 3: Somebody.
Speaker 2: I care about it, But like, the bottom line is
the things that show up in relationships. So for me,
the one is cheating on a first date. That's not like,
oh he hates cheaters, I can't be I mean it's
like if that scares somebody away, good, But if you
established those early on, then there's clarity moving forward that
you're not sure if you're making the right decision or not.
And that's a lot of the time, well I don't
know if it's going to work, because I have clients
also that are like if I say, like, where you
guys committed, Well, I'm pretty sure we are because I
don't think he has the time to be dating anybody else.
And it seems like and so I'm like, have you
you haven't had a specific Yes, you have to have
a specific conversation about really everything everything. But but the
thing is it is only because you haven't yet experienced
the fulfillment phase where once you do those things early
on during the fix it phase, and you get those
out of the way, the problems are resolved because you've
already come up with agreement of what you're gonna do.
Why are you looking at me with skepticism, Because the
thing is, if we've talked about it and we've come
up with an agreement of how we're gonna deal with
this moving forward, now you feel safe. Now the solution
is in place, that problem is not gonna come up again.
So the main the big problems don't keep coming up,
and you get to a fulfillment phase where it's like
we've gone months and months and months with no fights.
Maybe small little things where you get on each other's
nerves or whatever you're in a bad mood, but it's like,
those aren't breakup fights. Those are just life happening. But
when you work as a team and you work through
those and you know each other. That's the beauty of
having a relationship. So it feels annoying in concept to
have to tell somebody what it is that you need
in order to feel better, or like tell them how
to be a good partner, but you're really just expressing
what you personally need so they can understand you more
deeply in that way, because you want to understand that.
But the getting into the whys of it every time
and the explanation, that's why with the for non negotiables,
no teaching, no preaching, no explaining, and no complaining no
explaining is the hardest one, Yeah, because when someone's talking
about why they're upset, they always want to explain because
they want to feel validated, which is really, like I said,
code for I need you to agree with me, right,
And that is just ninety nine point nine percent of
the time not gonna happen. Yeah, Because how many times
have you looked at someone that you love like and
thought what they were doing was absolutely absurd? Right, But
that doesn't mean they should stop doing it unless it's
a problem for you. But I just mean, like their
way of operating in the world, their perspective.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so explain the no teaching, because no preaching
I understand, but the no teaching tell me about that.
Speaker 2: So no teaching is basically like nobody wants to feel
like they're constantly being told how they should be living
their life. And I'm gonna you know what you need
to do? Is this what you should be doing? Is
this if you do?
Speaker 1: But hold on, yes, isn't that contradictory to your solution?
And like, when there's a problem, this is what I need.
Speaker 2: No, because you're basically saying this is how I feel,
this is what would make me feel better.
Speaker 1: Okay, this is not how you should be doing exactly,
this is what I need that.
Speaker 2: Because when you put when you when you're teaching in
a relationship, that instantly disconnects the two of you and
put you in a situation where you're basically saying I
know more than you in this area and you need
to follow my way otherwise you're just getting it wrong.
Where is that going to connect anybody who's like, oh
my god, thank you so much for being my teacher
in this way. Of course, you learn in relationships and
you do teach, but you do so by example. You
do so by the way that you're living your life.
Teaching would be like when there's a problem and you
are communicating in a specific way that's solution oriented, you're
teaching them to have solution oriented communication without saying this
is what you need to do because the way that
you're doing it isn't working for you, Because no one's
going to no adult it's going to sit across from
another adult in a relationship and be told that and
respond with Okay, you're exactly right. I'm going to start
changing my behavior because you're telling me that that's going
to work better.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: You know, it's more like I'm willing to change my
behavior if you request something from me that's going to
make you feel better than sure, because you're not.
Speaker 3: Telling me what I'm doing is right or wrong.
Speaker 2: You're just saying this is what I would need in
order to feel better, and I'm going to change it
because I love you and that's where our trust is built.
Speaker 1: So let's fast forward to the end when this system
doesn't work.
Speaker 2: Okay, when this system doesn't.
Speaker 1: Fail, and I'm moving to New York City, okay, and
I'm leaving Paul Beach where I should have never gone.
Speaker 2: Yes, this is the beauty is even when it's not working,
it's working. And this is why, because when you have
communicated like this and this person has broken the agreement
like you've seen, it makes it very clear, there's no
doubt in your mind.
Speaker 1: I feel like every single wrong turn has been a
gift from God. Yes, I really just feel like it's
gotten clearer and clearer and clearer every single every single
time we've had conflict. It's just like, and I I
am very careful because I know if fight or flight,
I am flight as fuck, like I am backpack boy
as well. But I was very I was very careful
to be present and not run from my problems. Like
when we moved there and the designers did that fucking
whatever they did to our place, I was like I
should just leave, Like I should just go, I should
just run away, But like I was like, no, we're
gonna stay. We're gonna stick it out, and we're going
to see how much worse it could get. Yeah. No,
but I feel like I've you know, I did what
I could.
Speaker 2: And now you're like you were saying every at every turn,
at every wrong turn, there was more clarity. But the
I guarantee the most clarity came at the very end,
when you made it very clear Yeah he could do
yes exactly, because then there's zero doubts.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was no. I mean he still tried to
be like it was just poker on a Monday night,
and I was like, I asked you not to be
out past one. You went down to.
Speaker 3: This is what.
Speaker 2: There's no explaining because it's like, I don't care what.
Speaker 1: It was playing poker. I'm a bad guy. I'm like,
oh Jesus, yes. And that's the other thing. He has
this whole thing where he's like, I'm not the bad guy,
and I'm like, whatever you need to tell.
Speaker 3: You a good guy, he didn't.
Speaker 2: You didn't follow through with what you said you were
going to follow him, so you can call it whatever
you want.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's that's one thing I'm really coming to
terms with this year. It's not necessarily just this relationship,
but like people really tell themselves what they need to
tell themselves to sleep at night. Like people really invent
their own realities of what happened so that they're not
the villain in the story. And I'm like, it's so
interesting because when I'm a bad guy, I know I'm
a bad guy, and I'm like, we can learn from
this and I can be better next time maybe, But
like I've really seen some like like mock ten level
deflection this year, Yes, just the most like starting with
the designers when they objectively first of all, obviously whatever
the play sucked, but like they actually misappropriated funds, stole money,
you know what I mean. And I'm the bad guy,
and that I'm the bad guy because I talked about it,
and that like I'm getting well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because you called them out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're the bad guy for bringing focus to the
ship that they were trying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and now their friends are calling my friends telling
me to stop talking about because i I'm like, what
story have you guys actually told yourself that happened? Because
the actual facts are this. And then the same with
this breakup. It's just like he's he's like, well, I'm
not the bad guy. We're just at different places in
our life. And I'm like, you can paint a brand
new story so that you feel okay about yourself, but
the reality is the reality, which is that you lied
to me, disappointed to me, and that's why this is
over exactly, you know.
Speaker 2: And then at the underlying thing of that, the beauty
of what he's going to be able to look at,
which is what we all can look at when we
make mistakes in life, is because of my actions, these
are the consequences, and this is what I've lost because
of that. So instead of me looking at her and
creating this entire list of all the things that are
wrong with her and how she handled it, and why
does it have to be this? Why does it have
to be that? The bottom line is, this is what
I promised and I didn't do it. What is it
about me that it and want to follow through? In
my word? Why don't I honor myself enough and love
myself enough to say, like, I honor my word because
it makes me feel better about who I am and
I can present a better version of myself. Because the
thing is, especially when we're younger, we get and especially
with the way culture is right now, we're so used
to blaming and seeing what's wrong with someone else. Like
the reason we're having conflict right now is because of you,
because of the way you see it. Even like not
that I get into politics, but like you can see
two people were.
Speaker 1: Gonna say sorry, no, I just but I'm that way though,
I'll be like, no, this is actually your fault like this,
but there is like some situations where it's actually one
person the important technology.
Speaker 3: But why is it important technology.
Speaker 1: That because it's not my fault.
Speaker 3: That's the thing. It's like exactly.
Speaker 1: It brings bitch where it's my fault a lot, but.
Speaker 2: You're still bringing it back to you and your egos
need to establish that you aren't wrong and.
Speaker 1: I'm not, but that is not that is not wrong.
I can admit when I am.
Speaker 2: That's beautiful, and that's beautiful. But that is beautiful, But
that doesn't That doesn't solve problems, is all I'm saying.
That's beautiful. You're for your own personal development. This is
what I just I love that everybody can see. This
is what I get in the readings that you do.
But the thing is is that this is the It's
great for self development and self understanding. You're learning through
your own experiences and calling yourself out. But that doesn't
you don't need to be the judge and jury for
somebody else and then making sure they're admitting that they
were wrong because they were wrong.
Speaker 1: Life will teach them that you're making a really good point. Actually,
I hate that you got around to a good point.
Speaker 5: But you're actually you know what, there's there's so much
misery in me being adamant that someone else admits the
wrong chi Like, I get so enraged and it just
like shakes me to b I lose sleep over things
other people did, like I should only be losing sleep
about the things I did right.
Speaker 2: No, it's true. It's true though, because all the time
you're wasting on why they can't see that they were
and why aren't they.
Speaker 1: You're actually right, I feel like I'm going to be
able to like let go of this.
Speaker 2: Yes, that you just freed yourself from so much distraction
and drama and unnecessary energy that if you just focus
on growing yourself based on establishing what you did wrong,
and then when you're are in any sort of conflict,
it's just giving them the opportunity to work on the
solution with you. If they're not capable of that, then they.
Speaker 1: Gotta go, then go, And that's fine.
Speaker 2: And who cares what they admit after that? Why is
that even your your cross to bear?
Speaker 1: It's not it is It is infuriating, Yes, it is infuriating,
only but I can let it go. Here's the thing, though,
I want to make a point of how I did acknowledge,
you know, my my own wrongdoings and my own karma. Like, yes,
in last week's episode I talked about I talked about
this girl and her behavior, and I'm like, she knew,
she knows we're in a relationship. How dare she da
da da da? What kind of woman does? And then
I was like, the kind of woman that does that
is me? Yes, me and my fucking twenties I did that,
you know, so I think you're right. Karma doesn't miss
a doorstep. It was not my in my twenties when
I was doing that was I was like, it's not
my fucking problem, Like that was the attitude I had,
and that came back around and bit me twelve fifteen
whatever however many years later.
Speaker 2: So like, the only way you learned that though, was
through your own process. It wasn't because someone said you
need to admit that you were wrong.
Speaker 1: Totally.
Speaker 3: That's my whole point.
Speaker 1: Okay, you know what you changed me today and I
appreciate that that, Like, really, what does I can stop being?
It's just not my business and it's a nice business.
What people think about themselves.
Speaker 2: Exactly, and it's not your job to teach them how
they should be seeing life and themselves right and even
given their behavior.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such a self protection mechanism to create a story.
And I've done it before, so it's like everyone does it.
Speaker 2: This is exactly like the spiritual foundation of this context
is basically saying, it's the part of you that once
that validation is your ego, because then it also helps
you establish that you were right. And the more you
can establish that, you can feel good and strong about yourself.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's getting drunk on self righteousying.
Speaker 3: That's exactly what it is.
Speaker 2: And so instead of that, now you're just saying, I
don't care what you think about what your behaving is doing.
Speaker 1: I don't care what your story is. You can invent
a whole new tale because.
Speaker 2: They need to work their own. Their soul has its
own path. It's going to learn its lessons on its
own and its own way. The bottom line is, though,
if you are trying to have a relationship with this person,
you will give them the opportunity to know specifically what
it is you would need in order to work on
a solution as a team. If they're capable of that.
Like I said, that's how they learn. That's how you
actually teach. It's not sitting them down and explaining to
them with all the tours and scorpioizing receipts of why
they were so fucked up and being so surprised. I said,
they just don't get it. Yeah, when for their perspective,
I guarantee from his perspective, if I sat down with
both of you, I wouldn't tell him he was wrong
because from his.
Speaker 1: Perspective, he's fucking off. You don't no.
Speaker 2: I so have your back. But what I would tell
what I would say is based on his perspective, he's
not wrong, and the reason just stay with me for
a moment. Based on his perspective, if that isn't cheating
to him, if that isn't cheating to him, then he's
not wrong. But that's what his perspective and his opinion
about that doesn't matter. What matters is if the woman
that he loves is not okay with that behavior and
you aren't willing to stop that behavior, then that's the problem.
Speaker 3: And then if you.
Speaker 2: Tell her where he's where I would say he's wrong
is if he promises you something and doesn't follow through
with it, that's wrong. But your perspective and your opinion
about things, I'm not gonna tell you where that's right wrong.
You have your own life to live. That's like you
were saying about that girls like she could be thinking
whatever the fuck she needs to be thinking and for
in her world, just like you're in your twenties. No
one could have told you were wrong. You'd be like,
it's not mine. Tell me, okay exactly.
Speaker 1: I could tell me I was an alcoholic. No one
could tell me I was a home wrecker. No one
could tell me shit.
Speaker 3: I was like, we have all been there. That's what
I'm saying.
Speaker 2: Every human being, no matter who they are, on their
playing the game of life, on their soul's path, is
going to have moments where they're just doing dumb shit.
And the reason they're doing it, or the reason I'm
calling it dumb, is because it's not working for you.
It's creating negative consequences. So if it's creating negative consequences,
it's giving you an opportunity to see things differently. But
you're only gonna do that coming by your own realization, right,
But you have to get there on your own you
have to.
Speaker 3: Get there on your own.
Speaker 1: But but you.
Speaker 2: Can't make it drink so true and so in relationships,
it's like as as you're moving forward, now, that's when
I try to keep jumping all over. But when I
watched your last episode, I was like, I really know
now for sure the next relationship that you manifest, you're
so ready for it. And it's because that self reflection
of saying like I was, I was this person. This
relationship was reflecting back to me version of myself that
I now understand. And I'm not gonna waste time judging anymore.
I'm just gonna now move forward knowing better and then
accessing that knowledge to do better.
Speaker 1: You know, listen, we'll fire up the gang bang a meter.
It's active for summer, it's active for summer.
Speaker 3: What is my I love that about you? I really do.
I love you?
Speaker 1: Know, I almost you know who I almost refired things
up with. And I don't even if you if you
had to guess, remember the person I was maybe the
most psycho about. You're kidding me, you don't know, not
that one.
Speaker 3: Okay, because yeah, then then I don't know. I don't
know Jerry.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well I'm just saying like, unless unless there
have been some major changes in his own like outside
of relationshiships, person things.
Speaker 3: Would I ever revisit something where nothing has changed?
Speaker 2: All? Right?
Speaker 1: Time for bad vice?
Speaker 2: Yelling at me, so screaming on my podcast, screaming at me?
Speaker 1: Okay, question for bad vice. I'm trying to write my
first novel, and I know deep down I have a
good story to tell, but the damn voices in my
head are stopping me as I'm writing. I feel like
everything is garbage, but usually always like it when I
read it later, But this discourages me so heavily from
sitting and getting it out. Since you've written a book,
how do you power through the negative self thought to
get this shit done? It's one of the hardest things
I've ever done. We've both written books, so you go first.
Speaker 2: Okay, So wait though, because the thing is go back
to the question really quick, because I didn't get all
the details.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, it's they have a good story to tell.
There's voices in their head that are stopping them as
they write. They feel like it's garbage. They read back,
they like what they read, but they can't get past
the voices. How do you power through this negative self
talk to get this shit done?
Speaker 2: Okay, I love this question, So I call negative self talk.
I just call that mental noise because the thing is,
you were always gonna have mental noise. And what that
is is that's to start ego trying to stay safe.
Anytime it's fearful of anything with the unknown, it's going
to be afraid that it can't continue to exist. So
it's going to try to scare you into staying safe
and not doing anything in the unknown. So that way,
you can just stay in your world of comfort and
control where everything is familiar. So that's not going to
get you anywhere. So you're just gonna say, all I'm
going to do is stay present in this moment and
continue to write to the best of my ability because
that's all I can do. And then as I move forward,
I have the power to edit.
Speaker 1: Yes, And so that's the best part. Everything is like
sculpting a term, like you just have to get it
all out, and it can be fucking horrible. The first
past can be so bad, and then the edit is
so the most challenging part because you do have to
like chisel it into something more beautiful. But like for
me when I get stuck in this loop. And I'm
stuck in it right now, so I'm not actively doing this,
but I'm you know, I'm in the process of trying
to write a second book and it's really I'm bumping
up against it because it's really tough material. But what
I do is I put, even if it's thirty minutes
twice a week on the calendar to just sit and write, yea,
Like you just have to get yourself into that flow
state of being productive and then more comes, you know,
and maybe you'll sit down for thirty minutes and you'll
write for an hour. Yeah, maybe you'll sit you know
what I mean. But it's just like giving yourself that
little bit of structure. And it's not like a ton
it's not like four hours a day of every day,
you know what I mean, like something that's completely unattainable.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that you know you won't stick to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's almost like a short enough window where
like you just you just put those voices in a
time out for thirty minutes, yeah, and don't let them
talk exactly and just get your story, just get your
story up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and just know that when because sometimes it's easier
to shut those out for some people than it is
for other people. Yeah, this is kind of where astrology
will come into play. But the thing is, if you're
the type of person that you're like, I try to
shut them up and they just won't shut up. Yeah,
it's like having that friend that you know this is
never going to shut up. You still know how to
tune them out. And it's just saying they're going to
be here. It's accepting they're going to be there and
also accepting they only have power if you give them focus.
So it's like, you don't whatever the voices are saying
to you, You don't need to continue to attach to
that narrative and continue that story. You take a deep
breath and redirect and just say, Okay, I'm going to
continue with what I have in me right now. And
like I said, the edit thing, but I know for me,
I'm a big time feeler. So whenever I feel in
the mood to do something, that's when I go for it.
If I'm not feeling it, I also don't force it,
you know. So it's really good to schedule like you're saying,
to do that, because then that does hold yourself accountable
to just putting energy towards it, and that's really important.
But it's also important to if you know you're forcing
yourself to do something that you're not in the headspace
to do, it's okay to just take a breath and
be like, I'll get to this wind, I feel like it,
because that's when you'll be in that flow state and
things will come out.
Speaker 1: Yeah you know, yeah, but amazing. Okay, Well, on that note,
tell Ruin where they can find your book one more time.
Speaker 2: Yes, well, Britty's gonna put a link on this video
to an Amazon link.
Speaker 3: But yeah.
Speaker 2: Unbreakable the method of creating a lasting love and connection.
But it's basically just what to say and how to
say it to make sure you can solve any relationship problems,
all of them. They will be solved with this book
in a very easy, short, practical way.
Speaker 3: Pretty can attest.
Speaker 1: To that, and they might go up in flames, but
in a lot of times the solution isn't ending because
but you're doing it with a confirmable, understandable I did
everything I could.
Speaker 2: I gave them the opportunity specifically and clearly, and they
just didn't show up in the way that showed the
relationship was worth moving forward with.
Speaker 1: And there you have it, tod ruin where they can
follow you.
Speaker 2: You can follow me at Astrology Guy on Instagram and
YouTube and the real Astrology Guy on TikTok.
Speaker 1: Amazing. I love you much, thinking of meaning too. That
such a good time you guys. I'm so excited we're
doing the Artist Way still some of us are. I've
got about five of us. I told you guys all
to DM me if we were doing it, and I
think I got about five dms and by the way,
I saw them all and I'm going to reply. I
fucking promise. You know. My life has just been pants
on fire, ants on fire, pants on fire, but no excuses.
I told you I'm going to reply. So I'm going to.
Right after this, Mike and I are going to eat
chesteaks and we're going to reply to your messages. That's
what we're gonna do, you guys. We are on week
five of the Artists Way. We are cruising along. I'm
going to be so honest with you. I cannot do
this media free week yet. I'm going to. I swear
I'm going to. I have to get settled. My life
has been like actually truly, so many life hurdles that
I can't do it. It's funny because it says in
the book like you will make up every excuse, but
I'm like no, like really I can't. So I'm going
to I just and if you did do it, please
DM me because I want to hear about it because
it is a transformative week. I've done this week before
and it's really amazing. Week five we're talking about recovering
a sense of possibility. So wait, is this no? No, no,
We're not on week five? Am I? Okay? Mike? Am I? Okay.
I'm so happy Mike's here. Guys. You guys have no
idea how happy I am that Mike's here. I miss
him so much. I hate when I have to podcast
by myself and I just scream alone in my apartment. Okay,
we're on week six. We're recovering a sense of abundance.
This is the week that I needed this week. I
have been going through it and I'm going to talk
to you guys more about it on the Patreon. But
I've been going through it with money I have. This year,
I have spent a lot of money and there's not
a lot coming in and I feel very insecure about money.
And this this week, Week six recovering a sense of
abundance is talking about how you need to have faith
in God, not in money, because money is what makes
us feel safe, but God is actually what makes us safe.
So like we have to, you know, we say, like,
not God is good, but it's God is good, but
he's too good to do money. And like, oh my gosh,
am I okay, I'm having a fucking stroke Mic Okay.
So Week six the Great, the Great Creator. I'm a believer.
I just don't believe God gets involved with money, although
she doesn't recognize it. This this carries two self sabotaging beliefs.
She believes not only that God is good but he's
too good to do money, but also that money is bad.
So for money, many of us were raised to believe
that money is a real source of security and dependence
on God is foolhardy. We want a God that feels
like a fat paycheck and a license to spend as
we please. So here's the thing. We if we put
our faith in our belief in God and the Creator
and us creating, Hi, Rigley, are you doing earn his
way with us? I love you so much. If we
put our faith in God, the money will come. And
that sounds so corny because I think a lot of
us are. We're always trying to survive, right, a lot
of us live paycheck to paycheck. We're just trying to
make We're just trying to pay the bills. It feels
it feels foolish to be like I can create to
make to I can create and make a living. That
feels foolish. So we cling to our financial concerns as
a way to avoid not only our art but also
our spiritual growth. Our faith is in the dollar, and
that's where I'm at right now. I'm like, if this
money leaves my account, then I only have this much money.
And then if I have that much money, then the
money could run out by this time if I don't,
And like, I can get into such a cycle and
a spin of like, how money is all I need
to survive, But like, really, what I need to survive
is faith. And that's what all of us need to
survive is faith. So we're operating out of the toxic
old idea that God's will for us and our will
for us our opposite needs of the table. So what
we want for ourselves and what God wants for us
are the same. We have to accept that we can't
be like I want to be, you know, a painter
and have a gallery and do this, that and the third.
But really, I work at McDonald and I'm fucking broken.
I live out of my car, like and yeah, it's
hard to be like God's gonna buy my paint supplies.
But like, if you do put your faith in the universe,
he will provide. He or she whoever you choose your
God to be, will provide for you. And this week
is about faith. And so if God scares you, this
week is going to scare you. God used to scare me.
I used to be so terrified of the idea. But
I have done so many things in my life that
have been like trust falls or leaps of faith. And
I've always been caught. And maybe I haven't like rocketed
two insane amounts of success, but like, I've always been
caught and I've never not been safe when I believe
in myself and I believe in God, because believing in
yourself is believing in God, because God made you, you
know what I mean. So thinking like this grounded in
the idea that God is a stern parent with very
rigid ideas about what's appropriate for us, and you better
believe we won't like them. This stunted God concept needs
alteration this week in your morning pages. Right about the
God you do believe in and the God you would
like to believe in. What if God is a woman
and she's on my side. If you're still dealing with
a God conscious that's remained unexamined since childhood, you are
probably dealing with the toxic God. So I was raised Catholic.
I had a very punishing God who I was like
afraid he was going to like see me masturbating and
then I would like go to you know what I mean?
Like that was the kind of God I was raised with,
and that's why I moved away from that God. I
became agnostic. At one point, I was atheist, and then
when I got sober, I found a higher power. A
higher power left me, led me into a full fledged
belief of God. But if you're struggling with a God concept,
this is what my sponsor told me in early sobriety.
Find anything that you can look at or see or
touch that makes you believe that there is a higher
power for me for the longest time, that was Biggie.
I can look at Wrigley in this chair and be like,
this is such a pure form of joy, Like, of
course there's a higher power that brought this to us,
So like, why would something exist that is here to
just bring us joy and comfort? And if there wasn't
a higher power that wanted us to feel those ways,
So whatever it is. You can look at a lilac,
you can look at a dog, you can look at
you can look at anything and just be like, this
is proof to me that a God does exist. And
then eventually your God will come in and take it
from there. But if you were raised really in a stern,
strict religion, I implore you to re examine God and
what you wish your God would look like and write
that down in your morning pages. Most of us equate
difficulty with virtue and art with fooling around. Hard work
is good, so you know I was raised you know,
work hard, Get a job, do that job, doesn't matter.
If you enjoy that job. As long as you can
pay the bills and have a nice life, then you're good.
Were The harder you work, the more you get rewarded,
and those rewards are money. But what happened for me
is I worked in advertising. I worked really hard. I
got to a very senior position in that field, almost
the top, and then I realized, this is all the
money I can make. I'm making so much money, and
I was so fucking miserable because I wasn't being creative
and I wasn't doing what I was put on this
earth to do. And I took a huge leap. And
I have still not made that much money as I
used to make an advertising like, I still haven't gotten
there yet, but creatively more fulfilled and I'm still safe.
So I still I still haven't gotten to a position
where I'm not taken care of, because I think God
rewarded that jump with you know, little job opportunities, little
pops of success, a little just like enough to kind
of keep me knowing that I've had it in the
right direction. And one of the things that will show
you if your leap of faith was a good idea
is how quickly you get caught. Because it can feel
scary and it can feel unknown, but you will if
you take a leap of faith to do something that
you love or to create you will notice if it's
the right thing, the universe will show you it's the
right thing because you can feel that it's the right thing. Right.
I've done leaps of faith that were the wrong thing.
Like I started this company called how to Go a
million years ago, and it was like this overnight bag
for girls that went out and like you know, they
had like their dresses and heels and you have to
like put that on. You have makeup on your face,
you have flashes out. Like it was like this whole
bag so that you could leave a guy's house and
like a shirt and leggings and now it's like that
there's a makeup wipe and a little pouch for jewelry
and like a tope for like your clothes from the night.
It was a brilliant idea. I was like, I'm going
to be on the cover of Forbes. No. I sunk
like one hundred thousand dollars into that business, lost it all.
It was like one hit after the next. Everything felt horrible.
The universe was like, this is not your path. You're
not going to be on the cover of Forbes. And
so I think if you listen to those signs a
little sooner than I did. I was very adamant, and
I was like, no, this is going to work. And
then the pandemic happened and nobody was outing and nobody
was going, and I was like, all right, maybe it's
not the thing, but God will will support you if
you're headed in the right direction. So just imagine there's
a God that's supporting you throughout this journey, and then
just know that there is. You know that synchronicity is
going to start to make it feel to make it
all feel like it makes sense. If we take care
of God's business, he will take care of yours. This
is something that's like a lot of This book also
has crossover with AA, which is maybe one of the
reasons that I like it. You know, our God wants
us to be happy, joyous, and free. He does not
want us to be broke. He wants us to have
money to create. This creator says, looks suspiciously like someone
who just might send us support for our creative ventures.
You know, listen, this is a big It's a big
chapter about trusting in the universe, trusting God, redefining your God,
and kind of leaning into him more than you lean
into your bank account and your financial goals, and like,
what would your life look like if it wasn't like, oh,
I need this much money to be safe. I need
this much money to be safe. How would you feel
if money was no issue? What would make you feel protected?
If money was not the thing that made you feel unsafe.
It's a good thing to look at. You know. God's
not a cheap God's not a cheap skate. And the
more generous you expect him to be, the more generous
he will be. So all too often we become blocked
and blame it on our lack of money. This is
never an authentic block. So if you're reading this book
and you're like, I want to become a painter, I
can't afford paint that, you know that seems very legitimate,
but it's like a very there's a stop gap. There's
things you can afford, or they're a painting class, you know,
where the paint is provided. Whatever it is, just know
that if that's like one of your blocks that's coming up,
it's just not super valid. I love you for having
it because I've definitely had it before too, but it's
not it's not super valid. So there's money, there's money,
exercises here at the end of this chapter that I
need you guys to do if I had money, if
I could afford it, this is what i'd do. If
I had some money, I'd do this. I'm afraid that
if I had money, blank would happen. Money causes this.
It's kind of undoing all of our beliefs, most of
them toxic, a lot of them coming from our parents
about money and what we deserve in that that sort
of realm. So let's just take a good look at
our higher power and a good look at its relationship
to abundance this week, and do your tasks, and I
love you all so much. All right, besties. That wraps
up our episode. I just want to say quickly, if
you haven't gone to Spotify or Apple or wherever you
listen to this podcast and give us five stars. If
you could do that us as me and all of
my personalities, that would be great. And if you're not
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Comedy on YouTube. And the best, best, best way to
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We are doing Piping hot Tea on the Patreon. I
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Thanks Bestie, See you next week.