WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:09.480 There's a precise feeling somewhere between surprise and amusement that 2 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:13.000 comes with witnessing a minor civic oddity for the first time, 3 00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:16.519 a gentle interruption of trust. I felt that on my 4 00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:20.320 first Monday, as a retai, mug of home brewed coffee 5 00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:23.199 in hand, walking the well kept streets to the old 6 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:27.239 City Library. The building itself is dignified in a way 7 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:32.000 only institutions meant for everyone can be. Double columns flanking 8 00:00:32.079 --> 00:00:36.200 worn brown doors, leaded glass windows, dense with dust, and 9 00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:40.240 promise a stone emblem of our Riverside town's better selves. 10 00:00:41.320 --> 00:00:44.000 After decades spent tallying numbers in the back rooms of 11 00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:47.479 finance offices, I had resolved that retirement would mean some 12 00:00:47.560 --> 00:00:50.560 return to the habits I had set aside. I wanted 13 00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:53.759 something orderly but pleasurable to anchor the days ahead, and 14 00:00:53.799 --> 00:00:57.159 the idea of browsing those stacks finding a weathered chair, 15 00:00:57.560 --> 00:01:02.159 unhurried by productivity sounded exact actly right. The posted hours 16 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:05.480 promised open at ten a m and I arrived just 17 00:01:05.560 --> 00:01:09.920 after shoes softly tapping the length of chilly stone steps. 18 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:12.719 Pinned to the front door was a paper sign, the 19 00:01:12.760 --> 00:01:15.719 sort usually scrawled in blue marker and taped up by 20 00:01:15.719 --> 00:01:19.760 a weary hand. It read staff meeting in progress, Please 21 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:23.400 wait ten minutes. And bothered, even ironically pleased at such 22 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:26.719 human frailty in a public service. I waited, pacing up 23 00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:29.560 and down the steps. A sparrow hopped across a cracked 24 00:01:29.599 --> 00:01:33.040 tile by my foot. I checked my watch at regular intervals, 25 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:37.000 an old habit. Fifteen minutes, then twenty. The city clock 26 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:41.400 across the park chimed the half hour. No movement inside, 27 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:45.280 no staff emerging for a break, no gentle hum leaking 28 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:49.000 beneath the doors. I stepped back, crying to see if 29 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:51.959 someone might be unlocking the side entrance. Not a soul 30 00:01:52.560 --> 00:01:54.719 nowhere in the city had I ever seen this building 31 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.640 deserted at this hour. As I turned to leave, another 32 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:00.760 note had appeared, or perhaps I'd simply miss it before 33 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:06.040 pegged alongside yesterday's event flier back at noon, The penmanship 34 00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:10.520 was kindly apologetic. I nearly laughed, shaking my head. I 35 00:02:10.599 --> 00:02:13.000 told myself I could come back, that it was surely 36 00:02:13.039 --> 00:02:17.680 an unlucky start. There was nothing especially troubling in being 37 00:02:17.719 --> 00:02:22.280 delayed by bureaucracies soft edges. But the next day, Tuesday, 38 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:26.199 I returned different hour, sunnier sky, and discovered yet another 39 00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:30.080 message in the same neat hand, short staffed, please call later. 40 00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:32.840 No ring of a phone could be heard within just 41 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:36.919 a low, ambiguous hush. Wednesday, a new strategy, aim for 42 00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:40.439 just before closing, perhaps catch the final hour. This time, 43 00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:45.560 the note explained unexpected inventory, sorry for the inconvenience, please 44 00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:49.280 come to morrow. There were no lines of would be readers, 45 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:53.599 no chagrined parents tugging along board children, no angry faces 46 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:57.719 or whispered complaints about the absentee librarians. I realized, with 47 00:02:57.800 --> 00:03:01.120 increasing curiosity that I had not seen seen anyone else here, 48 00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:04.560 either staff or patrons, at any hour on any day, 49 00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:08.879 Only those stubbornly polite notes catching the light and ruffling 50 00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:11.879 in the afternoon breeze. It was as though the library 51 00:03:11.960 --> 00:03:15.879 was forever about to open, yet never quite did. For 52 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:19.439 a while, it was almost clever, a bureaucratic magic trick 53 00:03:19.800 --> 00:03:25.159 meant for a single, increasingly incredulous observer. On Thursday and 54 00:03:25.199 --> 00:03:29.120 then Saturday, similar notes awaited me, each insisted on a 55 00:03:29.159 --> 00:03:33.280 different but harmless explanation for the delay, all gently promising 56 00:03:33.360 --> 00:03:39.479 brevity back in five plumbing check back, later rotating collections. 57 00:03:39.560 --> 00:03:42.360 The building seemed to shimmer behind a veil of nearly 58 00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:46.560 fulfilled promises. So my first week of freedom saw me 59 00:03:46.639 --> 00:03:50.800 shuffling home past empty stone lions, a would be visitor 60 00:03:50.840 --> 00:03:53.479 in a city that appeared for all the world to 61 00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:57.840 have misplaced its own keys. During those first days, my 62 00:03:57.960 --> 00:04:01.080 life slipped into a rhythm remarkable only for its tightness. 63 00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:03.680 On the late side of six in the morning, I 64 00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:08.599 rose without alarms, no urgent calls, no redinked memos, only 65 00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:12.159 the pale for giving light bleeding into my kitchen. The 66 00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:17.079 riverside path became my usual circuit, water, sometimes glazed with mist, 67 00:04:17.399 --> 00:04:21.519 sometimes bright enough to render the stone bridges almost white. 68 00:04:21.800 --> 00:04:24.959 At the corner bakery, Missus Lee reserved a seat by 69 00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:28.759 the window, always waving a flowery hand, and I nursed 70 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:32.120 a second coffee while thumbing at the crossword or absent 71 00:04:32.199 --> 00:04:37.639 mindedly plotting my day's project. These projects, grand and trivial, 72 00:04:37.800 --> 00:04:42.120 accumulated like half written memos, clear the attic, digitize the 73 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:46.360 family slides, begin and abandon a dozen such efforts before lunch, 74 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:50.519 returning inevitably to my notebook, the reliable desk calendar, and 75 00:04:50.639 --> 00:04:53.480 always the daily block of time. I had penciled in 76 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:56.920 for library. Even in leisure, I seemed to rely on 77 00:04:57.079 --> 00:05:02.120 schedule and repetition, comforting in their simplicity. I chatted often 78 00:05:02.160 --> 00:05:06.439 with the neighbors who became unknowingly my informal control group. 79 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:10.680 Missus Griggs, who lived three houses down and grew hydrangers 80 00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:14.519 the size of small clouds, mentioned her favorite library book 81 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:18.519 on shade gardens more than once over the fence. Her husband, 82 00:05:18.920 --> 00:05:23.079 quiet but quick to smile, sometimes regretted, only half returning 83 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:27.800 the Encyclopedia of rare Seeds on the phone. Tom, a 84 00:05:27.879 --> 00:05:31.160 friend from work, would sigh and say, one of these days, 85 00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:35.480 I'll hit their genealogy records before the family memory goes soft. 86 00:05:36.279 --> 00:05:38.680 For each of us, the building loomed not just as 87 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.759 a structure, but as something close to furniture in the mind, 88 00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:46.680 a backdrop for hopeful plans and half remembered successes. The 89 00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:48.839 city felt like it had been built to the scale 90 00:05:48.839 --> 00:05:52.000 of my routines. This was a place that hummed with 91 00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:56.639 comfortable inertia. A riverside town whose factories had long since 92 00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:00.720 been transformed into collaborative spaces and after scar school centers, 93 00:06:01.079 --> 00:06:04.800 whose city hall and historical society stood in an immaculate 94 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:10.560 but gently faded row. Statues of benefactors, names now given 95 00:06:10.600 --> 00:06:14.639 to schools more often than to descendants, watched over the small, 96 00:06:14.879 --> 00:06:18.920 impossibly green park that separated the wide avenue from the 97 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:24.399 library's entrance. Every Saturday, the community event calendar appeared as 98 00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.279 a double page spread in the sun Times, always full 99 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:31.920 of enthusiastic listings, a story hour, a weekend poetry reading, 100 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:35.279 a monthly mystery club, all below the prominent header of 101 00:06:35.360 --> 00:06:39.639 public Library, Everyone Welcome. The calendar hinted at the city's 102 00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:42.399 pride in the institution, as if the presence of these 103 00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:46.240 rectangles on newsprint confirmed that our town was, in fact 104 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:50.279 the kind of place where libraries still mattered. A little 105 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:54.480 digital snooping late at night confirmed the general sense. The 106 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:58.040 library's website, with a colour scheme reminiscent of two thousand five, 107 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:02.199 was a wash in cheery updates celebrate National Library Week 108 00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:07.120 reading group Thursday at six. The online community forums overflowed 109 00:07:07.160 --> 00:07:11.480 with affection, old timers swapping tales of favored stacks, parents 110 00:07:11.519 --> 00:07:15.279 recalling first library cards, some one invariably calling it the 111 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:20.079 city's crown duel. Yet curiously, no one posted about the 112 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:24.360 present moment or any recent visit gone wrong. Praise lived 113 00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:26.839 in the past tense, as if the library had been 114 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:30.000 just visited or would be again soon, and needed no 115 00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:34.279 close scrutiny. Now behind all this, I realized was my 116 00:07:34.360 --> 00:07:39.759 personal creed, half discipline, half coping strategy. Decades spent coaxing 117 00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:42.319 order from the chaos of business accounts had left me 118 00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:46.519 reliant on posted hours, on schedules, on numbers and lists 119 00:07:46.519 --> 00:07:49.839 to lay the day's end to end. Given the advertised 120 00:07:49.879 --> 00:07:53.199 times and official reassurance, I had not doubted that, with 121 00:07:53.319 --> 00:07:57.519 eventual patience, the library would let me in the books 122 00:07:57.560 --> 00:08:01.600 I wanted. Old city histories, tac ledges from the nineteen tens, 123 00:08:02.040 --> 00:08:05.279 or more whimsically, that little math book from a foggy 124 00:08:05.399 --> 00:08:10.439 childhood memory could wait. The library was always soon, always almost, 125 00:08:10.959 --> 00:08:13.000 in the way a friend's wedding or the start of 126 00:08:13.079 --> 00:08:16.560 baseball season becomes a fixed point on a horizon that 127 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:22.279 never quite advances. The very anticipation became oddly pleasurable. It 128 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:25.839 was I realized, not just for me, the library was 129 00:08:25.839 --> 00:08:28.160 there for all of us, a beacon of what the 130 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:31.519 city wanted to believe about itself. There are places that 131 00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:35.519 seem more real in memory and conversation than in daily touch. 132 00:08:36.600 --> 00:08:39.919 On a determined Thursday afternoon, I recall it was one 133 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:43.159 of those Golden City afternoons when the water glints and 134 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:47.039 the post lunch hour stretches long. I tried another tactic, 135 00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:52.759 thinking perhaps midday would avoid the mysterious inventory or maintenance rituals. 136 00:08:53.200 --> 00:08:56.519 I prepared myself for anything, with a magazine tucked under 137 00:08:56.519 --> 00:08:59.200 my arm and a free hour circled in pen on 138 00:08:59.320 --> 00:09:03.159 my carrier long planner. The sign awaiting me that day 139 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:07.720 read inventory, please check back in five minutes. Not out 140 00:09:07.720 --> 00:09:11.360 to lunch or closed for repairs, but something new in 141 00:09:11.399 --> 00:09:16.200 its precision, inviting patience while resisting specifics. The note seemed 142 00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:19.840 written in haste, but with unaffected politeness, as if keen 143 00:09:19.879 --> 00:09:25.000 to apologize. While remaining untroubled, I decided, perhaps out of habit, 144 00:09:25.279 --> 00:09:27.679 to treat the weight as a test of the librarian's 145 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:32.840 supposed clockwork reliability. Leaning against the balustrade, I kept my 146 00:09:32.919 --> 00:09:36.039 eye on the minute hand, watching a small shadow inch 147 00:09:36.039 --> 00:09:39.879 across the white washed stone. At exactly five minutes, I 148 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.639 checked again, noting a slight quiver of anticipation. A man 149 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:48.759 passed by just then, white beard sun dappled cap the 150 00:09:48.799 --> 00:09:51.879 look of someone retired longer than I had been. He 151 00:09:51.960 --> 00:09:55.000 tipped his hat, pausing at the foot of the steps. 152 00:09:55.519 --> 00:09:59.679 Never fails, he said, smiling with a wry glint. Always 153 00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:04.320 just missed them myself, I laughed, surprised by the camaraderie. 154 00:10:04.360 --> 00:10:08.240 In disappointment, ever, managed to catch one of those five 155 00:10:08.320 --> 00:10:12.759 minutes on time, he chuckled, shook his head. Oh, I 156 00:10:12.799 --> 00:10:16.399 stopped timing myself years ago, he said, before walking on 157 00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:20.919 hands folded behind his back. Minutes later, a young woman 158 00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:24.080 with a labrador came by. As her dog sniffed at 159 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:28.279 the faded fliers, I risked, asking, excuse me, do you 160 00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:32.159 know if the library's actually open? She glanced at the 161 00:10:32.200 --> 00:10:36.159 sign and seemed, for a half second genuinely puzzled. Isn't it. 162 00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:39.120 I'm sure I came by just the other week. Feels 163 00:10:39.159 --> 00:10:42.360 like they're always open. You just need to Her voice 164 00:10:42.360 --> 00:10:45.000 trailed off, and she gave a little laugh. You know, 165 00:10:45.159 --> 00:10:48.080 I can't recall, but it has to be open. Maybe 166 00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:52.120 they're busy to day. I watched her walk off, wondering 167 00:10:52.120 --> 00:10:55.559 if she noticed the contradiction, or if for her the 168 00:10:55.639 --> 00:10:59.679 memory of an open library was indistinguishable from lived experience. 169 00:11:00.720 --> 00:11:02.960 At the edge of the steps, I knelt and ran 170 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.039 a finger through the dust, no footprints except for the 171 00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:09.879 dog ass. The glass information case beside the door displayed 172 00:11:09.879 --> 00:11:13.559 fliers months out of date, corners curled and crisped by sun. 173 00:11:14.120 --> 00:11:18.720 I circled the stately exterior, peering into smudged windows. Inside, 174 00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:23.000 dim light seeped through blinds, casting long greenish shadows among 175 00:11:23.080 --> 00:11:26.200 shelves lined as if for a film set. Nothing out 176 00:11:26.200 --> 00:11:31.200 of place, nothing in motion. That afternoon, the library's online 177 00:11:31.240 --> 00:11:35.679 portal declared, with stubborn cheer, open, come on in below, 178 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:39.919 that a live poetry reading supposedly taking place right now. 179 00:11:40.720 --> 00:11:43.960 Yet the rooms inside were featureless in their silence, as 180 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:47.600 if both staff and readers were ideas abstracted from reality. 181 00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:52.039 I began, almost unconsciously to keep a small note book 182 00:11:52.039 --> 00:11:55.399 of each attempt, with dates, times and the shifting language 183 00:11:55.399 --> 00:11:58.759 of apology that graced each new note. The neat columns, 184 00:11:58.840 --> 00:12:02.320 laired with disappointment and mild amusement, gave structure to a 185 00:12:02.360 --> 00:12:06.440 problem that seemed increasingly to point past mere inconvenience, I 186 00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:09.240 found myself recording the precise blue of the pen used 187 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:12.759 scribbles on the tape, and the exact language, words like 188 00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:17.639 soon back and thanks for your patience. For the first time, 189 00:12:17.919 --> 00:12:21.279 a strain emerged between what the city and those around 190 00:12:21.320 --> 00:12:24.320 me seemed to know with certainty and what I alone 191 00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:28.000 kept experiencing. It was less a matter of being locked 192 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:31.399 out than of being apparently alone in regarding the lock 193 00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:36.759 as real. My curiosity, instead of fading, began to calcify 194 00:12:36.879 --> 00:12:40.919 into something more methodical. The next days, I rearranged my 195 00:12:41.039 --> 00:12:44.480 walking routes, sometimes veering toward the park at odd hours, 196 00:12:44.879 --> 00:12:48.320 just past sunrise at noon as dusk stretched over the water. 197 00:12:48.919 --> 00:12:52.399 Each new attempt yielded its own small surprise, a sign 198 00:12:52.519 --> 00:12:57.840 referencing a brief lunch break, another sighting emergency, plumbing unexpectedly 199 00:12:57.960 --> 00:13:02.639 cheery in May, an unavoidable remote training session. Their language 200 00:13:02.679 --> 00:13:05.759 shifted with the seasons, as if trying gently to offer 201 00:13:05.799 --> 00:13:09.600 an explanation that would never quite settle. I even gave 202 00:13:09.720 --> 00:13:12.919 evening visits a try, stopping by with the absurd hope 203 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:15.480 that the coming dark might lead someone to unlock the 204 00:13:15.559 --> 00:13:19.799 door again. A new note, now with blocky handwriting, building 205 00:13:19.840 --> 00:13:24.120 assessment ten minutes only once before dawn, fog curling at 206 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:27.440 my knees. The excuse was check with maintenance back soon. 207 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:31.159 The handwriting never quite matched, yet always belonged to an 208 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:37.399 invisible caretaker, somewhere unseen inside. Phone calls during posted hours 209 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:41.240 never reached a human voice, just a recording the library 210 00:13:41.240 --> 00:13:45.759 staffer currently assisting other patrons please leave a message. The 211 00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:51.799 tone was warm, noncommittal, and infuriatingly familiar. Turning to the papers, 212 00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:55.919 I scoured the community events for photo evidence. A Monday 213 00:13:55.960 --> 00:13:59.360 reading circle, All our Welcome was paired with an exterior 214 00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:03.759 shot of the billing sunlight, tulips, the steady, unmoved doors, 215 00:14:04.279 --> 00:14:08.679 no crowded scenes inside, no candid smiles among the stacks. 216 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:12.759 The bakery, never far from my rounds, provided an impromptu 217 00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:17.039 survey pool. Missus Lee, her palms powdered and voice quick, 218 00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:20.679 claimed she could script the receipt for any city library fine, 219 00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:23.840 but when asked about her last visit, gave a vague 220 00:14:23.960 --> 00:14:28.519 years ago. I think, but I follow their newsletter. Several 221 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:33.080 regulars offered warm recollections, children's hours when their sons or 222 00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:37.519 daughters were in footed pajamas, an ancient chess club, or 223 00:14:37.559 --> 00:14:40.679 a favorite lost book that always seemed a month away 224 00:14:40.679 --> 00:14:45.000 from turning up. A chance encounter on Maine with mister Falco, 225 00:14:45.279 --> 00:14:49.799 the former head librarian, yielded little except wistful tone. Those 226 00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:52.840 were the days, he mused, recalling with a far away 227 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:55.960 look the old crowd. I haven't really been in there 228 00:14:56.000 --> 00:14:58.879 for years, but I remember that feeling, sort of like 229 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:02.360 waiting for a train you hope might be late. He smiled, 230 00:15:02.519 --> 00:15:05.559 then excused himself for an appointment, though I noticed he 231 00:15:05.600 --> 00:15:09.200 didn't walk in the library's direction. In my notebook, I 232 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:12.519 began to make columns across the weeks. I mapped dates 233 00:15:12.519 --> 00:15:15.879 and hours to the types of excuses found, cross referenced 234 00:15:15.879 --> 00:15:19.279 with the event or season, double checking against anything listed 235 00:15:19.320 --> 00:15:23.200 in the newspaper. Was there a secret schedule? An elaborate prank? 236 00:15:23.480 --> 00:15:27.440 I called the city office. The libraries absolutely open, the 237 00:15:27.480 --> 00:15:32.279 clerk insisted, except you know, for maintenance. Sometimes it's all online. 238 00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:36.279 I swapped stories with a barista in the cafe. Her mother, 239 00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:39.559 she claimed, swears by the recipe in that big yellow 240 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:42.519 cook book checked out in the nineties, never found another 241 00:15:42.720 --> 00:15:46.200 like it, But pressed for any recent visit, she scrunched 242 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:49.440 her face, coming up empty. I always mean to go, 243 00:15:49.720 --> 00:15:52.919 she offered, but not since well, I guess not since 244 00:15:52.919 --> 00:15:57.279 I was a kid. A subtle but inescapable pattern was emerging. 245 00:15:57.799 --> 00:16:00.840 The signs rarely threatened more than a fifth teen minute wait, 246 00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:04.559 as if designed to be perpetually plausible. Some were almost 247 00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:09.519 playful snow delay during a heat wave staff appreciation day 248 00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:12.159 on a Tuesday. There was a rhythm to it, a 249 00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:17.639 dance of invitation and retreat, anticipation and amnesty. It became 250 00:16:17.679 --> 00:16:21.080 a quixotic quest, each attempt less about the lost pleasure 251 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:23.759 of a book than about mapping the rules of a game. 252 00:16:23.799 --> 00:16:27.080 I could not name the buildings or a grew sharper. 253 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:31.440 It was no longer simply closed, but elusive, always just 254 00:16:31.519 --> 00:16:35.039 about to open, propping up the habitual optimism of the city, 255 00:16:35.480 --> 00:16:39.679 as if deferring disappointment by increments of five or ten minutes. 256 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:43.440 When I paused to consider, I realized that no one 257 00:16:43.480 --> 00:16:47.759 seemed frustrated. Every one had a cherished memory, a gentle 258 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:52.759 assurance that access was always nigh. One week end, intent 259 00:16:52.799 --> 00:16:56.360 on escaping my own recursive logic, I found myself trimming 260 00:16:56.440 --> 00:16:58.799 hedges in the front yard, only to be hailed by 261 00:16:58.799 --> 00:17:02.519 missus Griggs. She was in her usual garden hat, pruning 262 00:17:02.600 --> 00:17:06.799 languor into the azaleas. After exchanging pleasantries about the weather 263 00:17:06.880 --> 00:17:10.960 and the brazen city squirrels. I mentioned, almost as a confession, 264 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:16.799 my string of failed attempts. She blinked, surprised. Well, my goodness, 265 00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:19.839 she said, I keep meaning to get that gardening guide 266 00:17:19.960 --> 00:17:23.559 perennial Partnerships, you know, with the beautiful sketches. But now 267 00:17:23.559 --> 00:17:25.880 that you mention it, I haven't set foot in there 268 00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:29.519 in years. She furrowed her brow. Funny, isn't it. I 269 00:17:29.559 --> 00:17:32.799 remember telling Marvin pop in and grab it after the market. 270 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:37.319 But hem, I suppose we never did. Marvin appeared at 271 00:17:37.319 --> 00:17:41.079 the porch, summoned by the drift of conversation. When prompted, 272 00:17:41.319 --> 00:17:44.240 he could recall in remarkable detail at home on rare 273 00:17:44.319 --> 00:17:48.039 seeds illustrations, even an odd quip from the text about 274 00:17:48.079 --> 00:17:51.799 sneezeweed in ancient burial plots. Yet when pressed for the 275 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:55.160 book itself, he admitted he'd never found it at any sale, 276 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:59.200 nor on any shelf at home. Eventually, he shrugged, might 277 00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:03.319 have dreamt it at the rate over lemonade. We puzzled 278 00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:07.000 the question. Were these shared memories simply well worn grooves 279 00:18:07.359 --> 00:18:09.839 rehearsed so often that the notion of going to the 280 00:18:09.880 --> 00:18:13.680 library had replaced the act itself. Was it possible we 281 00:18:13.720 --> 00:18:16.880 spoke so often of library visits that the present moment, 282 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:20.680 the reality of stepping inside, faded beneath the weight of 283 00:18:20.759 --> 00:18:25.519 recollections and good intentions. After they returned to their garden, 284 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:29.000 I fired up the desktop and scrolled through the library's 285 00:18:29.000 --> 00:18:32.720 online catalog, searching for the books people tended to mention. 286 00:18:33.559 --> 00:18:37.200 Almost all were listed as checked out. A surprising number 287 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:41.400 were overdue since nineteen seventy seven or currently unavailable for 288 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:46.440 inter branch request. The city's event listings were unerringly lively, 289 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:50.319 full of teasers for programs and authorites, But when I 290 00:18:50.359 --> 00:18:53.960 searched for registration lists or sign in sheets, I found 291 00:18:54.039 --> 00:18:59.240 only more invitations, not evidence of attendance. A thoughtful absurdity 292 00:18:59.279 --> 00:19:01.720 began to twine it in itself through my musings. What 293 00:19:01.799 --> 00:19:04.559 if the building's presence and even its stock of books, 294 00:19:04.759 --> 00:19:08.160 lived more powerfully in memory than in daily fact. What 295 00:19:08.279 --> 00:19:11.119 if for the city at large, the library was not 296 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:14.599 a door to be entered, but an expectation, a placeholder 297 00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:18.759 in the communal mind. Perhaps my difficulties weren't personal failures, 298 00:19:19.000 --> 00:19:22.400 but a feature of something larger. The library as idea 299 00:19:22.599 --> 00:19:27.240 not institution. The illusion felt less like a conspiracy and 300 00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:31.640 more like a shared comfort. I pondered, not entirely joking, 301 00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:35.319 whether the city's air was thick with library stories, because 302 00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:37.920 hardly anyone felt the need to break the spell by 303 00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:41.480 visiting for real. All of that ran through my head 304 00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:45.079 as I stared at columns of notes and dates, tally marks, 305 00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:49.720 and wistful annotations. I stopped feeling left out and started 306 00:19:49.720 --> 00:19:52.319 to wonder if I had stumbled into a gentle fiction 307 00:19:52.799 --> 00:19:57.039 every one else silently wished to maintain. Determined to sought 308 00:19:57.119 --> 00:20:00.319 private confusion from public mystery, I set out to test 309 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:03.599 what I could. Early on a Wednesday, before dawn had 310 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:06.759 entirely burned through the mist along the river. I arrived 311 00:20:06.759 --> 00:20:10.039 at the library steps wrapped in a wool scarf, thermous 312 00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:13.559 and notebook in tow. I was intent on total observation, 313 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:17.160 determined to bear witness from first light to official opening. 314 00:20:17.640 --> 00:20:20.880 If the doors finally swung wide, so much the better. 315 00:20:21.240 --> 00:20:25.039 If not, I would be there to see every minute pass. 316 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:27.799 Just as the sky softened to gray and gold, a 317 00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:32.400 figure approached her steps careful on weathered stone, an older woman, 318 00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:35.920 perhaps late sixties, with a blue scarf, and an embroidered 319 00:20:35.960 --> 00:20:39.240 canvas tote. She smiled as she settled on to the 320 00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:43.920 stone bench at my side. Morning she said, quietly, warmth 321 00:20:43.960 --> 00:20:47.680 in her voice. I'm Agnes, lived up the road since forever. 322 00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:52.440 I introduced myself, curious whether she too was waiting for 323 00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:56.839 the doors to open. She laughed a little embarrassed. I've 324 00:20:56.880 --> 00:20:59.799 tried dozens of times over the years. I always mean 325 00:20:59.799 --> 00:21:03.359 to get inside, especially since I promised myself one winter 326 00:21:03.559 --> 00:21:07.559 i'd reread that big book on lost gardens. She lifted 327 00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:10.880 the tote. Inside I saw a well thumbed note book 328 00:21:11.079 --> 00:21:15.519 and a sheaf of library event fliers. As we compared stories, 329 00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:19.440 the parallels multiplied. Agnes, it turned out, had kept her 330 00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:22.680 own ledger of failed attempts. She described a collection of 331 00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.480 notes tinier and more varied than mine. Staff out back 332 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:30.799 in ten thanks for your patients technical issues, even one 333 00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:35.559 with a small drawn heart celebrating library week. Five minutes please. 334 00:21:36.680 --> 00:21:40.400 I've even written to the director twice, she admitted. Both 335 00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:43.160 times I got a polite letter back, thanking me for 336 00:21:43.240 --> 00:21:47.240 my concern. Yet nothing changed. We shared a laugh at 337 00:21:47.240 --> 00:21:52.119 the ingenuity of institutional passivity. Before the sun was fully up. 338 00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:55.160 Two more locals had gathered, a mother with a stroller, 339 00:21:55.319 --> 00:21:58.279 the group's tacit mascot, and a man about my age 340 00:21:58.279 --> 00:22:02.440 with a faded university sweater. Each confessed to recent attempts, 341 00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:06.160 each with their own catalog of signs they produced when 342 00:22:06.200 --> 00:22:11.119 prompted telling details. The stroller mother Sandra remembered writing little 343 00:22:11.160 --> 00:22:14.319 poems on the blank corners of her returned books, never 344 00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:18.400 quite finishing them, always meant to come back. The man 345 00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:22.400 Howard asserted, the best atlas I ever borrowed was from here, 346 00:22:22.759 --> 00:22:26.599 the Atlas of Forgotten Gardens. I still look for maps 347 00:22:26.680 --> 00:22:30.440 like that online, but can't find them anywhere. It was 348 00:22:30.480 --> 00:22:34.319 Agnes who first noticed the peculiarity. No one could locate 349 00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:38.160 the physical copy of their favorite library book. Each title 350 00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:41.759 was more outlandish than the last. The Arithmetic of Shadows, 351 00:22:42.079 --> 00:22:46.119 cook Book for Lost Time, Manual of Imaginary Maps. When 352 00:22:46.119 --> 00:22:49.200 we checked our phones, none of these titles existed in 353 00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:53.480 any other library system. Agnes flipped open her note book, 354 00:22:53.880 --> 00:22:57.319 not just columns of dates and closure signs, but sketches 355 00:22:57.319 --> 00:23:01.440 of the handwritten notes themselves, lingering o odd turns of phrase, 356 00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:05.680 or the slight inclination of a chosen word. At times 357 00:23:05.960 --> 00:23:09.960 she even scribbled the temperature, sunrise position, or the number 358 00:23:09.960 --> 00:23:13.960 of imaginary minutes each note had promised. There on the 359 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:17.680 chilly steps, daylight slowly filling the city, it dawned on 360 00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:20.880 me that this was not my eccentricity alone. Here were 361 00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:24.119 others drawn together, not simply by the inconvenience of a 362 00:23:24.160 --> 00:23:27.559 closed door, but by the quiet certainty that something larger 363 00:23:27.640 --> 00:23:31.799 was afoot, a phenomenon, not an accident. We realized, with 364 00:23:31.880 --> 00:23:34.359 a note of awe and a splash of giddy irritation, 365 00:23:34.799 --> 00:23:37.160 that none of us had ever quite made it inside, 366 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:42.720 despite years decades of polite attempts. By the hour's end, 367 00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:48.160 our group swelled to five. Conversation drifted from frustration to anticipation, 368 00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:52.319 then to something close to celebration. We're all half way 369 00:23:52.359 --> 00:23:56.279 through a library visit that never quite finishes, Howard remarked, 370 00:23:56.319 --> 00:23:59.920 with an arched eyebrow. It was Sandra who wondered al 371 00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:03.920 if the books themselves, the ones we so cherished in memory, 372 00:24:04.279 --> 00:24:08.119 were artifacts created by our longing for the library Vanishing 373 00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:11.680 the instant we turned away for the first time, the 374 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:16.319 building behind us seemed almost less solitary, its persistent, inviting 375 00:24:16.400 --> 00:24:21.839 silence a signal not an error. The phenomenon was unmistakably communal, 376 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.920 a game played by the whole city, each of us 377 00:24:24.920 --> 00:24:29.160 bringing our own rules. By late morning, we had resolved 378 00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:32.079 to meet again, to co ordinate our attempts and to 379 00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:35.440 begin sharing what we knew. We saw the library not 380 00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:39.359 as a stubbornly locked institution, but as a mirror of curiosity, 381 00:24:39.880 --> 00:24:44.000 ever nearly open, supporting the city's longing for story, for knowledge, 382 00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:47.519 for that which is always just out of reach. In 383 00:24:47.599 --> 00:24:50.799 that moment, the riddle shifted from something I had failed 384 00:24:50.839 --> 00:24:54.960 to solve to something we might together begin to understand. 385 00:24:56.079 --> 00:24:58.359 Agnes and I lingered with the others on the steps 386 00:24:58.400 --> 00:25:01.160 longer than we'd meant to. The chill had faded, with 387 00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:04.359 the sun's full arrival, brightening the neat rows of city 388 00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:07.519 offices and sending an awkward cheer into our little group. 389 00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:10.839 Howard texted another friend who ought to know about this, 390 00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:14.799 and Sandra promised to bring her neighbor, whose son supposedly 391 00:25:14.839 --> 00:25:18.359 won a reading contest here back when summer meant popsicles 392 00:25:18.359 --> 00:25:22.720 and knees streaked with grass. As we exchanged phone numbers 393 00:25:22.799 --> 00:25:27.880 and promises, our practical next step seemed obvious. Coordinate compare notes, 394 00:25:28.079 --> 00:25:32.119 broaden the witness pool. There was comfort, even camaraderie in 395 00:25:32.200 --> 00:25:36.319 our peculiar entryway vigil a gentler, more tentative kinship than 396 00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:40.279 I had expected from so accidental A gathering home, with 397 00:25:40.359 --> 00:25:44.359 its paperwork and house plants, felt a world away. We 398 00:25:44.440 --> 00:25:47.279 began the following week in Earnest as something of an 399 00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:52.000 impromptu committee. Agnes called it the Library Curiosity Group, handwriting 400 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:53.799 our name on a poster she tacked up at the 401 00:25:53.799 --> 00:25:57.720