Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey hald Ah, come on, this is
not abuse no more. With your host, doctor Evangelis kre Rich,
help you to admit when you feel and ncy heel
from the effects of narcissistic abuse because your feelings do matter.
How you are doing today, this is not abuse no more.
Speaker 2: I am your host, doctor k l Rich with knock
abuse no more, helping you to admit what you feel
in order to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse, because.
Speaker 3: Your feelings do matter, Yes they do.
Speaker 2: Today is March the eleventh, Wednesday, March the eleventh of
twenty twenty six. I pray that you have had a blessed,
stress free, narcissistic.
Speaker 3: Free, abuse free weeks.
Speaker 2: So far, and that the remainder of this week will
continue to be so as well. But if not, we're
going to be talking about a few things today.
Speaker 3: Now you may wonder what are we talking about today.
Speaker 2: We are talking about verbal abuse. Verbal abuse, and many
people often look at abuse as just having a black eye,
a broken bone, something that you can obviously see. But
the thing is, abuse comes in various forms and many
people use their tongue to abuse, and verbal abuse can
be just as deadly, just as harmful as any other
type of abuse. And we often know when you're dealing
with narcissism, you deal with a lot of those that
are narcissists. They love to destroy you with their tongue.
So we're gonna be talking about that today and I
pray that this will be a blessing to you all.
I want to just read a verse to a verse
before we get started with today's podcast, because the Word
of God has a lot to say about when it
comes to various issues of abuse. And in James chapter three,
it talks about taming the tongue, Taming the tongue, and
I just want to just read a couple of verses
so that you can know that the tongue is important
for us to make sure that.
Speaker 3: We tame it.
Speaker 2: And in James, the Book of James, chapter three, and
I just want to start at verse three, it says
when we put bits into the mouths of horses to
make them obey us, we could turn the whole animal.
Or take ships as an example. Although they are very
large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered
by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise,
the tongue is a small part of the body, but
it makes great boasts. Consider what a great force that
a great force is set on fire by just a
small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world
of evil among the.
Speaker 3: Parts of the body.
Speaker 2: It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of
one's life on fire, and itself set on fire by hell.
And we're gonna stop right there. Well, let me just
go to this very next one. It says all animals, birds, reptiles,
and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed
by mankind, But no human being contain the tongue. It
is a restless evil, full of poison. And so when
we used to have this saying when we were kids
that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words
will never harm me.
Speaker 3: Well guess what it does. Words do harm. And so
today we we're gonna be talking.
Speaker 2: About verbal abuse, how to recognize verbal abuse. Today's topic
is coming from very well mind, and I pray that
you can take some some things that will help you
if you're in a similar situation, uh where you're being
verbally abused, or if you are a person and you
recognize you know what, These are some of the traits
that are inside.
Speaker 3: Of me that I need to change. Verbal abuse one.
Speaker 2: One thing about verbal abuse, it's it's a form of
emotional abuse. But the thing is words are used. Words
are used to degrade the value, to manipulate, to ridicule,
and to dominate.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 2: We always talk about that at the end of abuse.
It's somewhat one that wants to obtain or maintain power
over someone else. Verbal abuse it includes yelling, It includes
name calling.
Speaker 5: Uh.
Speaker 2: It also is under the realm of guilt tripping, using sarcasm,
using jokes, even to to make someone else feel bad.
Constant criticism. There is a difference between constructive criticism and
destructive criticism. Construct the criticism is used to build someone up.
Destructive criticism is to put someone down. And so it
is important that people understand the difference between, uh, what's
uplifting and what is not. So I wanna give you
some signs that you can use, or some signs to
detect if you are experiencing verbal abuse. Number one, you
are afraid of your abuser.
Speaker 3: You are afraid of your abuser.
Speaker 2: Abusers often use their tongues to instill fear way before
they ever lay a hand on you. So you you,
even if you have never been physically harmed by this person,
you're emotionally harmed by this person with just the fear
of the things that they say. Number two, you feel
like you have to walk on egg shells around this person.
Speaker 6: You.
Speaker 2: You know, when you're in a relationship, you should be
able to be your true self.
Speaker 3: But when you are in an abusive.
Speaker 2: Relationship, you're always walking on egg shells, having to watch
every little movie you.
Speaker 3: Make, every little thing you say, uh, the people.
Speaker 2: You're around, and it's uh uh it's a fear there.
Speaker 3: It's uh uh.
Speaker 2: Well, I gotta make sure that I don't make this
a person upset with me.
Speaker 3: I don't want this person to be mad at me.
Speaker 2: So you walk around on egg shells cause you having
to watch every little move that you make. Uh. This
makes me think of the movie back in the day
with Julia Robberts.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 3: It was called uh, what's the name of the movie?
Speaker 2: Oh, I just slipped my mind, but many of you
probably know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3: It was au uh, a movie that she came out with.
I believe it was.
Speaker 2: In the nineties and she was married to this. It's
called sleeping with the enemy. That's right, sleeping with the enemy.
And she was married to this abuser, and she found
herself walking on egg shells every time she was around him.
She had to make sure the house was just clean,
just right. The cans were had to be stacked just right,
the washed house had to be hanging just right. Everything
she did had to be just right, or else she
would suffer the wrath of her abusive husband.
Speaker 3: That's a good.
Speaker 2: Movie to watch if you are dealing with abuse. Sleeping
with the enemy, and that's what Julia roberts.
Speaker 3: Number three.
Speaker 2: You feel like you cannot share things about yourself with
them for fear that they will mock or ridicule you.
If you're in a relationship with someone and you're not
able to share things, you're not able to be yourself
or whatever you share they would use against you, then
you might need to rethink that relationship. I often use
this for those you who have been following this pa
this podcast for years that uh, you have the right
to remain silent, your Miranda rights. Anything you say can
and will be used against you in the court of
the narcissists. That means that you don't tell narcissists anything
that they.
Speaker 3: Can use against you.
Speaker 2: And even when you think you're just being open and
sharing about yourself, they will put it in a vault
to take it back out.
Speaker 3: To use against you later. Watch what you say to
the narcissists.
Speaker 2: Number four, you're afraid to go out in public with
them because of what they will say about you in
front of other people. Narcissists at the at the root
of who they are, the core of who they are.
They're very insecure people, but they try to make you
you insecure. So they will make jokes about maybe your
weight or or make jokes about uh, something that they
know is sensitive to you, and they would do it.
Speaker 3: In front of other people.
Speaker 2: And then if you call them out on it, then
they will deflect and put it on you being too
sensitive or that you are you're taking it the wrong way,
when in actuality, they were doing that to make you
feel and look bad. Number five, you feel threatened.
Speaker 3: L Let me just say this, excuse me.
Speaker 2: If a narcissist threatens you, and and and this is anybody,
a lot of people have wind up being harmed or
killed because they didn't take a threat seriously. If someone
can threaten to do violence against you, they can follow
through with it. So if you feel threatened by this person.
Speaker 3: UH.
Speaker 2: A couple of years ago, there was someone I knew
that had put a gun to his wife's head and
he threatened, you know, to use it, and I would
tell you know, anyone in that situation be careful because
if they can threaten violence against you, they can follow
through with it.
Speaker 3: Do not take threats lightly.
Speaker 2: If you're ever in a position where they threaten to
do harm to you and on themselves, then take it
seriously and try to get in a safe place as
possible as soon as you can. Next is you feel
as if you are constantly being put down about how
you look, think, act, dress, or talk one thing about
secure people. When you feel secure about yourself, you don't
have to put others down. You don't have to put
someone else down in order to make yourself feel good
when you are.
Speaker 3: Confident in who you are.
Speaker 2: So when you have someone that is being emotionally abusive
verbally abusive, they really don't feel good about themselves, so
they gonna criticize every single thing that you do to.
Speaker 3: Try to make you feel as if you have to.
Speaker 2: Meet up to their standards when in actuality, they don't
even have standards for themselves. Next is you feel inferior
or ashamed about who you are. No one that you're
in a relationship with should make you feel ashamed or
that you're not good enough that you don't meet their standards.
Speaker 3: They should.
Speaker 2: You should uplift one another in a relationship. And this
is rather you're in a intimate relationship, uh, married, if
you're dating someone, uh, even if you're a friend with someone.
If you're friends, n they should never make you feel
ashamed of who you are just so they can get
a rise out of it.
Speaker 3: One more, they were gonna take a quick break.
Speaker 2: They yell at you, but then suggest that you are
overly sensitive and that you don't have a sense of humor.
There is nothing funny about being yelled at, screamed at,
called names, belittle, or devalued. If that was the case,
then they would enjoy it themselves for someone else doing
it to them.
Speaker 3: However, these type.
Speaker 2: Of individuals, they get uh their rocks off of of
causing others, causing others harm, causing others to feel bad
about themselves, and that is not a healthy relationship.
Speaker 3: We're going to take a quick break and we'll be
back in just a moment.
Speaker 4: Before I knew your name, God roading next to mine, promising,
heavenly waving forest perfect time. I prayed through all the
lonely nights, trusted what I couldn't see.
Speaker 5: Somewhere in the heart of God, he was saving you
for me. Every tear I cried, was planning to see
this for something true. Every ninety from God wasn't leading
me straight to you because Heaven reason before You were
the person.
Speaker 7: Around did grave, so didn't know why walk into God
to save.
Speaker 5: Soone was ready to me, Maybe I'm saving you, really
know Heaven preserved to.
Speaker 8: You God feels like redemption, like the story you only
God could ride wood. He built from broken things, turned something.
Speaker 5: Holy over nice jallous see speak of price on every chapter.
Everything he kept you hid.
Speaker 9: In his hands until he was time A loved and
take the stage and.
Speaker 10: Very calls do tell me I'm willing.
Speaker 7: So when you ken, I recognize disgrace because Heaven.
Speaker 5: Reason you don't be fun. You were the.
Speaker 9: Besting around in gray, so I didn't know walk into God.
Speaker 11: Held your heart say till Mama's read baby outstanding, and
he read it all ho.
Speaker 5: Than Heaven reserved.
Speaker 7: You're the answer to a prayer hows three years ago,
proof that God restores he is.
Speaker 9: He always knows.
Speaker 7: Now everything with you is worship. Every moment feels preying you, because.
Speaker 5: Loving you reminds me God still comes through. Heaven reserved.
And now I see clear her love is living ever dance,
God is always near.
Speaker 7: You're the mere record and waited until my heart find.
Speaker 9: God.
Speaker 5: Every heaven.
Speaker 6: Preserved, preserved, And that's Heaven reserves you.
Speaker 2: And you can find these Christian love songs on YouTube.
Speaker 3: Heaven reserved you, all right.
Speaker 2: So we're talking about signs of verbal abuse, signs of
emotional abuse. This next one is is that they overreact
to small problems and then blame you for the resulting argument.
So one thing that narcissists love to do is they
never take responsible for their own actions. So they would
start something, start the argument, and then blame you for
the argument even getting started. And you know the thing
is is that these uh emotional games can have uh
uh definitely a negative effect on your psyche.
Speaker 3: And so in order to understand.
Speaker 2: How they operate and know you know what what you're
dealing with, then you it's so important to study them
because then you'll know how not to play the game.
Another thing is they suggest that they are the victim
and they try to make you feel guilty about something
they accuse you of doing. They love to make accusations,
false accusations, and then they'll flip it and.
Speaker 3: Make you feel as if you actually did what they said. That, uh,
what they accused you of doing.
Speaker 2: Okay, these are some horrific mind games that they play
with their victims. And and the thing is is that
when they accuse you of doing something that you didn't do,
it is s very much sin.
Speaker 3: It is senseless to try to even.
Speaker 2: Argue with them or defend yourself because they already know
that you didn't do it, but they're gonna continue coming
at you as if you did. They hide their verbal
abuse when you are around other people, but act completely
different when you are alone. One thing when you're dealing
with narcissists is that they they do not show their
real selves. They're like chameleons. They blend in with the
environment around them. They're like at a being at a
masquerade ball. They have the mask on it, so people
don't really see who they are. The only ones who
see who they are, Oh, people that maybe closest to them,
or the ones that's the recipient of their abuse.
Speaker 3: So if you were.
Speaker 2: To tell someone, oh, this person is narcissistic, this person's
a narcissist, more than likely, unless they've seen those traits themselves,
they will not believe you, because the narcissists do whatever
they can to keep their real cells from being exposed.
As I've often mentioned before on this podcast over the years,
is the movie series V They did the original in
the eighties and then they did a remake in two
thousand where you had these these alien creatures come down
to Earth. They looked like humans, they talk like humans,
they dress like humans, but underneath the skin, they were
reptilian creatures.
Speaker 3: Okay, and this is how narcissists are.
Speaker 2: They look and act like nothing is wrong with them,
but behind the scenes, they're a whole different species.
Speaker 3: So form.
Speaker 2: You know, there are different forms that verbal abuse can take.
And one of the things that we talk about on
this particular podcast is gaslighting, and and that that's when
someone makes you doubt your reality. So all the all
the the the emotional abuse, all the judgments, all the
things that they do to you. They gaslight you to
make you think that it's not true, to make you
think that it's you, so they make you doubt the
reality of the situation. For example, in the movie gas
Light from the nineteen forties. I think they did a
couple of them in the nineteen forties. But in the
movie Gaslight, this husband would trying to make his wife
that he married her for her money. But he was
trying to make his wife think that she was going crazy,
so sh he would he would flicker the Actually he
was trying to look for the hidden treasure.
Speaker 3: And he would flicker the lights. That's why I got
the name gas light.
Speaker 2: And he would be in the basement doing whatever and
and the gas light would be flickering. But he would
do things to try to make her think she was crazy,
such as moving her keys from where she knew she
put it, moving around pictures on the wall to make,
you know, make her think she had she was losing
her mind, so that he could get her committed and
then he could take over her wealth. Well, that's how
narcissists do with their intended victims. They will try to
gaslight you to make you doubt your reality. They could
be undone something, but they would flip the script or
make you think, oh, no, I didn't do what you said,
or you know that I did, and make you think
that you're losing touch with with reality.
Speaker 3: Another thing, when you're.
Speaker 2: Dealing with verb abuse, you would deal with blaming. They
would make you believe that you are responsible for their
abusive behavior. How many times how you may be seen
the movie or you might have seen this in real
life where an abuser will beat somebody to a pope
and then say, oh, well you made me. No one
make you do anything. No one can make you do anything.
You're either responsible for your own actions or you're just
not taking accountability because you just don't want to. So
they are never responsible for their abusive behavior.
Speaker 3: In their own minds.
Speaker 2: So therefore they shift the blame and they blame the
recipient of the abuse instead of instead of taking responsibility for.
Speaker 3: What they have done.
Speaker 2: Another thing you may deal with is kundi sension. While
often disguised as humor, they'll use sarcastic comments to belittle
and to the mean the person who's the target of
their abuse, and once again they will make you think that, hey,
you're oversensitive. When they're actually trying to do things to
pull you down.
Speaker 3: Another thing when.
Speaker 2: You're dealing with the verbal abuse. Another form that it
can take is in criticism. This means that they will
give you harsh remarks, they will be they will try
to make you feel bad about yourselves, and they will
make you think that it's constructive when it's a deliberate
attempt to be hurtful. Constructive criticism, again, is when someone
is trying to help you, but when you're dealing with
an abuser, there's nothing constructive about their criticism.
Speaker 3: It's destructive is to bring you down.
Speaker 2: And they would do it in public or they would
do it in private, but they would try to make
you think that they're doing it for your own good,
when it's actually to try to make you feel bad
about yourself. Another form of verbal abuse is judging. They're
always looking down on you. They're not accepting you for
who you are. They're holding you to unrealistic expectations, things
that they can't even meet themselves, but they're gonna hold
you to it. We're gonna take another quick break and
we'll be back.
Speaker 3: In just a moment.
Speaker 5: I met you, I was walking along praying one that
God will leave me home. I carryed every down like
a heavy stone. One grened love was meant for me.
Then you can't solving like the sun rise, like surn.
Speaker 12: The longest season and some morn and ride saw in
mercy shining in your eyes, and my heart finally learned
to breathe heavy step every tear that album through.
Speaker 5: Now I see they were leading me to you. If
they died, allow you let me sing Lord for the
way Jesus feed the road, for the press you pray
went out.
Speaker 9: Can't speak for the strength you live, went out for
the week of all the blesses. He's carrying me through.
Speaker 5: The greatest world.
Speaker 9: Saddenly, you hit on my hearty and everything I think God,
I think God. You hold my dreams like the fragile glass.
Speaker 5: You believe in me.
Speaker 10: When my courage lips fast, you remind me telling of
who I am and the promises written in his hands.
Speaker 9: When the storm wins fries and the nice girl along.
Speaker 5: You're the stead orhythm in my trainbling song. It serned
my words.
Speaker 9: Into a whispered grace till peace comes flooding in this place.
Speaker 5: Every joy, every trial we walked and draws me closer
deep bury into you. I thank God for you've ever seen.
Speaker 9: Mo she's speaking away, for the way you smile, mant
how you make this house a place. I know that
seasis carry me through the grass worm simply quell my
heart and everything I do, I beg God.
Speaker 5: I thank God for you. If I had a thousand
times to live, I choose your hand and every one
of them.
Speaker 9: If tomorrow never comes and the sky turns to the great,
still live my hands and say you my.
Speaker 5: Mind bread very con standing. Every moment, every breath, be
sp It's grace.
Speaker 10: I don't desert, but he still game. So when you're down,
if you're er, come and rest inside my love. You're
the melody my heart holds true.
Speaker 5: Baby on the gift, and.
Speaker 9: I think God, for you have seen the for the
way you say you life my dark and swear.
Speaker 5: For the tin and listen.
Speaker 9: Thanks you for doing the little quiet asked that no
one knew about the best.
Speaker 5: He's carrying me through the crest. Swan is still.
Speaker 9: You al forever till my life is through.
Speaker 5: I think God. I think God for God love heavy
press every day. You're my blessing mon.
Speaker 3: And that is thank God for you.
Speaker 2: Again you can find these beautiful, beautiful love songs on
YouTube Christian love Songs. All Right, So we've been discussing
about verbal abuse and some of the forms that verbal
abuse can take.
Speaker 3: And another form that it takes on is humiliation.
Speaker 2: Humiliation, and so this is a painful, particularly painful way
that narcissists abusers can treat their victims by insulting them
in public and causing them in front of peers, friends,
or or people that they're around. Try to humiliate you,
to make you feel bad in front of others. Another
thing is judging, when you're looking down on someone, when
you're not accepting them for who they are, when you're
again holding them to unrealistic expectations, and this.
Speaker 3: Is not something that you should You should not feel
judged in a relationship.
Speaker 2: Another form is manipulation, where they use words to manipulate
and control you. This is a type of verbal abuse,
a type of emotional abuse. They're guilt tripping you to
do certain things. They guilt trip you even if you
want to hang around your friends or family. Nothing is
ever good enough when you're dealing with someone that is
an abuser. Another another form of verbal abuse is name calling.
If someone has to call you derogatory names, they insult you.
This is something that is used to chip away at
your sense of self worth, your sense of your self esteem,
and so therefore, this is not something that anyone should
have to deal with in a relationship when someone is
calling you derogatory names outside of who you are. One
another type of abuse that falls up under the realm
of verbal abuse and emotional abuse is ridicule. Ridicule a
verbally abusive person. They will make you the butt of
their jokes. They will select things for as jokes that
they know will hurt you and anyone again, Yeah, if
they have to constantly put you down or make fun
of you, or do things that they know will hurt you,
then they're no good for you. Why is it often
h hard to recognize verbal abuse? Uh uh Again, when
we talk about yelling, putting people down, name calling, belittling,
belittling them, it's not always something that's easy to spot
because when you're dealing with especially covert narcissists, they know
how to do it in such a way that it
oftentimes flies over people's heads.
Speaker 3: But this is something that no one should ever have
to deal with. It's a form of bullying.
Speaker 2: You're demeaning that person, You're intimidating them, you're frightening them.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 2: Ultimately, you're trying to control them. And therefore you should
never ever allow someone, if at all possible, to treat
you in this manner. I often say, we teach people
how to treat us by what we allow them to
do to us. People are oftentimes verbally abusive because they
may have grown up in a family of abusers.
Speaker 3: They they may be dealing with mental illness.
Speaker 2: They may do it because of past experiences that they
have had and may be part of just their makeup.
But the thing is is that people can change if
they're willing to put in the work to change. If
you're dealing with verbal abuse, you may also be dealing
with anxiety. You might have anxiety when you're around this person.
It may change your mood. You might deal with the
because these things actually hurt. These words actually hurt. When
people put you down, it actually hurt. You might have
a decrease of self esteem. You may be dealing with
feelings of guilt or shame or hopelessness. Some people may
be dealing with PTSD or substance abuse. Anytime someone puts
you at an alternate state of what your reality should be,
that it is unhealthy for you. So what to do
If you are dealing with verbal abuse, One thing to
do is call it out.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 2: The thing is, when you're dealing with people of a
narcissistic mindset or they hate to be called out on
what they're doing, But the thing is, you have to
call it out because let them know that it is
unacceptable and you will no longer take it, which leads
us into our next one set boundaries. That means that
you firmly tell that person that you're no longer going
to take their abuse judge, You're not gonna take their judging,
You're not gonna take their name calling, you're not gonna
take their threats.
Speaker 3: You're not gonna deal with it. And if they want
to scream and swear at you.
Speaker 2: Or things of that nature, and you're not gonna take
that too, walk away, walk away from it. You can
limit your exposure to them. If you're dealing with someone
that's abusive in any form, then if you're able to
limit your exposure to them and surround yourself by people
that will value you, people that will love you, people
that will support you, then that's the best way to
deal with it is to limit your exposure to them.
Another thing is sometimes people have to go as far
as going as far as ending the relationship all together,
because sometimes people are not willing to change.
Speaker 3: People they love being abusive. So therefore, if they're.
Speaker 2: The type of person that is not willing to put
in the work to change, after you've told them, hey,
this is unacceptable, I will not be taking this anymore.
Speaker 3: If they do not want to change, then you may
have to end the relationship.
Speaker 2: If you're dealing with this on the job, you need
to document it and report it to someone that's higher up.
You may not always be able to eliminate people from
your life, but you can definitely try to limit your
exposure to this. And again this could be on the job.
This could This is called workplace bullying and there are
certain laws that cover discrimination in the workplace hera in
the workplace, and so therefore you can seek legal advice
for that from an attorney. Again, seek help, seek help,
reach out to people that you can trust, reach out
to a counselor reach out to someone that can give
you that support that you need in order to help
you develop healthy coping skills in.
Speaker 3: Order to deal with it in the short and the
long run.
Speaker 2: And hopefully what I mean by dealing with it is
not staying in that situation, but helping you to set
boundaries so that this person will either stop it or
you can limit it, eliminate it all together, or either
limit how often you.
Speaker 3: Are dealing with this individual.
Speaker 2: One thing that I I wanna give you before we
end today's podcast is the number to the National Domestic
Violence Hotline, and that is one eight hundred seven ninety
nine seven two three three. That's one eight hundred seven
ninety nine seven two three three, And you can go
to their website at www dot dohotline dot org. That's
www dot dohotline dot org. You can also text the
word start to eight six seven eight eight. Text the
word start to eight eight seven eight eight.
Speaker 3: There is help for you. If you are a veteran.
You can get all kinds of unlimited resources at VA
dot o org.
Speaker 2: No one deserves to be abused, and if someone is
making you feel as if this is acceptable behavior, you
can say no, I am no longer going to be
your hunching bag. Rather, it's physically, verbally, spiritually, financially, emotionally,
or any other way you can say no today. I
pray that this podcast has been a blessing to you
today and that you would know guess.
Speaker 3: What your feelings they do matter. This is doctor k
O Richard Kabus. No more until next time.