WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:02.399 If you're given worth the first year of your life, 2 00:00:02.480 --> 00:00:05.400 it's you're given a bottle. That's a life need, but 3 00:00:05.480 --> 00:00:08.160 the way you're given that bottle is a self worth need, 4 00:00:08.199 --> 00:00:12.279 and it's invisible because parents can get perturbed, parents can 5 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:15.119 be exhausted, and the baby can get up in the 6 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:18.879 middle of the night three times, right, And does it 7 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:20.679 want to be fed? Does it want to be rocks? 8 00:00:20.760 --> 00:00:22.800 Does it want to be changed? You know you have 9 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:25.039 to figure it out, and so you get so tired 10 00:00:25.079 --> 00:00:27.879 and so then you can give that next bottle in 11 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:31.640 a very apathetic or angry way, like oh, fight and 12 00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:36.119 be hungry. That's received on an emotional level. 13 00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:39.479 Are you in the first thirty days of sobriety are 14 00:00:39.560 --> 00:00:43.000 wondering if now is your time to start? Hi? I'm 15 00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:45.640 Marcy Hopkins and I wrote wake Up You're not Broken, 16 00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:49.000 just for you. It's a real raw guide to those 17 00:00:49.039 --> 00:00:52.320 first thirty days. What no one tells you, what you 18 00:00:52.359 --> 00:00:56.039 will feel, and how to keep going. This isn't about perfection, 19 00:00:56.679 --> 00:01:00.799 It's about progress. Or do your copy now on Amazon. 20 00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:05.719 Remember you're not alone, You're not broken, You're waking up. 21 00:01:06.359 --> 00:01:09.040 What if the reason you struggle to set boundaries isn't 22 00:01:09.079 --> 00:01:11.760 because you don't know how. What if the reason you 23 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:16.519 keep performing, people, pleasing and chasing validation has nothing to 24 00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:20.079 do with confidence at all. What if underneath all of 25 00:01:20.120 --> 00:01:24.319 it is one hidden belief that your worth has to 26 00:01:24.359 --> 00:01:27.719 be earned. Welcome back to Wake Up with Marcy. I 27 00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:31.120 am so grateful you are here, whether you're watching or listening. 28 00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:34.799 If you're new here, thank you for being here. I'm 29 00:01:34.840 --> 00:01:39.840 Marcy Hopkins, your host. I'm an author, TV host, motivational speaker, 30 00:01:39.959 --> 00:01:43.719 mental health advocate, and a woman in long term recovery. 31 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:51.519 And this show is all about honest conversations around mental health, recovery, 32 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:54.840 women's health, self discovery, and what it really takes to 33 00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:59.079 rebuild your life. And if today's conversation resonates with you, 34 00:01:59.400 --> 00:02:02.640 please make sure to like, comment, share this episode with 35 00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:07.159 someone who needs to hear it, because these conversations help 36 00:02:07.239 --> 00:02:11.240 people realize that they're not alone. So today we're going 37 00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:15.560 to talk about something that impacts every area of our lives, 38 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:19.879 whether we realize it or not, and that is self worth. 39 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:24.159 Many people spend their entire lives trying to prove they're enough, 40 00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:28.919 without realizing their worth was never something they had to earn. 41 00:02:29.159 --> 00:02:32.840 In the first place. My guest today is Donna Danielle. 42 00:02:33.240 --> 00:02:37.680 Donna is a professional counselor, educator and author who specializes 43 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:42.719 in helping people understand the connection between self worth and 44 00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:47.120 emotional healing. Through her work, she's discovered that many people 45 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:52.759 struggling with anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, and self doubt aren't 46 00:02:52.800 --> 00:02:56.479 broken at all. They're living with a pattern of denied 47 00:02:56.719 --> 00:03:02.159 self worth, and her new book, Understanding Self Worth explores 48 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:06.120 how reclaiming our worth can transform the way we see 49 00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:10.439 ourselves and the way we live our lives. Now, let's 50 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:14.360 meet Donna. Hello Donna, and welcome to Wake Up with Marcy. 51 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:16.439 Thank you so much. 52 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:22.639 I love this topic around self worth. Just so you know, 53 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:28.479 I found self worth probably about eight years ago. I'm 54 00:03:29.199 --> 00:03:33.439 fifty six years old, so you know, this is something 55 00:03:33.479 --> 00:03:38.319 that's really important because so many of us from our 56 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:42.000 past and how we were raised and such is how 57 00:03:42.039 --> 00:03:44.360 we feel about ourselves, and it really affects that. 58 00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:47.400 I agree. Thank you for sharing that. 59 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:53.560 Yeah, absolutely so, Donna. You yourself, You've I mean, you've 60 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:57.960 built your entire career around helping people in this area 61 00:03:58.199 --> 00:04:01.960 understanding self worth. So why do you believe so many 62 00:04:02.039 --> 00:04:04.840 people are struggling to feel worthy. 63 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:08.879 I do have a philosophy on that because I've looked 64 00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:14.639 back in some of the historical statements, you know, researchers 65 00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:17.240 have gone back and tried to find evidence of like 66 00:04:17.560 --> 00:04:19.879 why we think the way we do now. Some of 67 00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:24.639 the earliest writings I found were Saint Augustine of Hippo. 68 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:29.720 He was a religious leader, and a lot of his 69 00:04:29.959 --> 00:04:34.279 early writings and philosophy about the religion at the time 70 00:04:34.560 --> 00:04:40.879 is still being used today and along with his beliefs. 71 00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:43.639 And then some of the things that came out of 72 00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:50.959 the Socratic philosophy is that you work for worth, that 73 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:54.560 you prove your worth. I'm not saying that's wrong, but 74 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:58.360 I what I've learned is that when we work for worth, 75 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:03.839 we don't actually feel worthy. We feel like we're attaining 76 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:07.040 something that can be taken away because we've worked for it. 77 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:11.519 And that's why in the book, I have a co author, 78 00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:16.319 doctor Chris Brown, and when we were talking about this 79 00:05:16.519 --> 00:05:20.800 foundational type of human worth, we decided to call it 80 00:05:20.839 --> 00:05:27.120 birthright self worth. And I loved that because it meant 81 00:05:27.160 --> 00:05:30.959 everybody gets it just because you exist, and that's what's missing. 82 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:33.959 This other type that we talk about in the book, 83 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:39.120 it's not worked for its realized self worth. And the 84 00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:42.399 goal of the building the pillars of self worth is 85 00:05:42.439 --> 00:05:45.560 that if they're built on a foundation of self worth, 86 00:05:45.600 --> 00:05:49.040 that's a birthright for every human. You can have awareness 87 00:05:49.079 --> 00:05:52.199 of awareness of that worth. Respect for that worth is 88 00:05:52.240 --> 00:05:56.439 a second pillar. Esteem that builds from that worth, and 89 00:05:56.480 --> 00:06:00.600 then confidence in that worth. You get a capstone called 90 00:06:00.639 --> 00:06:03.879 realize self worth. It's just about you and that's true 91 00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:08.399 self worth birthright. Self worth is the starting point. Realize 92 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:13.199 self worth is what we attain sometime in adulthood. It 93 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:17.000 is an achievement, but it's not for anybody else. So 94 00:06:17.079 --> 00:06:21.480 it's not about an acceptance in a system. 95 00:06:21.879 --> 00:06:25.839 Well, while I appreciate all of that and I totally 96 00:06:25.879 --> 00:06:29.519 get it because that is exactly what I did, what 97 00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:32.639 is the root of it? I mean, we have right, 98 00:06:32.680 --> 00:06:38.560 we are born happy humans. Right, I mean we are 99 00:06:39.240 --> 00:06:46.399 born worthy. It is our environment social impact, Like these 100 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:50.120 are the things the people that are raising us and 101 00:06:50.199 --> 00:06:54.560 the circumstances in our life that are affecting how we 102 00:06:54.600 --> 00:06:59.480 feel about ourselves and the transactional feeling that we get 103 00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:04.240 that we have to work for our worth. So what 104 00:07:04.439 --> 00:07:08.879 is the basis of that, is it more people that 105 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:13.160 have trauma? Like what, what is it really truly affecting 106 00:07:13.319 --> 00:07:16.680 our worth? And if that is true, how are we 107 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:17.680 getting it back? 108 00:07:19.199 --> 00:07:22.839 Oh? Great question. So I mean this gets into some 109 00:07:22.920 --> 00:07:26.720 big thematic things. One of the things I've seen is 110 00:07:26.759 --> 00:07:28.920 I've done some reading, and this is over the last 111 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:34.879 thirty years, is the belief that some people early on 112 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:40.560 in civilization traded worth for power, because if everybody feels worthy, 113 00:07:40.839 --> 00:07:45.120 they're harder to control. And so people that got into 114 00:07:45.240 --> 00:07:49.759 power started making worth about things, and they started placing 115 00:07:49.839 --> 00:07:53.480 value in things, and so the king with the bigger 116 00:07:53.560 --> 00:07:57.240 kingdom was treated as more worthy than the person that 117 00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:01.360 they just took a kingdom from. And of course that 118 00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:06.759 seemed practical in the sense that, well, but that person's 119 00:08:06.839 --> 00:08:09.000 kingdom is gone and so they don't have anything to 120 00:08:09.079 --> 00:08:12.439 rule anymore. So it was easy to start looking at 121 00:08:12.519 --> 00:08:18.759 the most powerful person as having a higher value, and 122 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:22.240 then we lost this concept of worth in all of 123 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:25.199 those battles, and those battles happen in homes as well. 124 00:08:25.639 --> 00:08:29.920 We see a sibling try to dethrone another sibling. We see, 125 00:08:30.759 --> 00:08:33.159 you know, an aunt or uncle try to become the 126 00:08:33.320 --> 00:08:37.120 favorite of the children, of nieces and nephews. We see 127 00:08:37.159 --> 00:08:40.360 a lot of usurping of personal power even in family 128 00:08:40.440 --> 00:08:44.000 systems today, and it tells me that we're still in 129 00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:48.080 a system that power is running the show. And I 130 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:50.279 would add to Dex we talk about this in the book, 131 00:08:50.360 --> 00:08:54.080 that you can trade worth for importance in any decision 132 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:57.720 you make, and that's a really dangerous outcome because once 133 00:08:57.759 --> 00:08:59.960 you get importance, you're going to want more and you'll 134 00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:04.120 always need more. Power is not a good counterfeit, and 135 00:09:04.600 --> 00:09:09.440 importance is not a good counterfeit. For worse, they work 136 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:12.639 to a certain degree and there is more to get. 137 00:09:12.919 --> 00:09:17.480 But what we see probably your whole life, I've seen 138 00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:20.720 it my whole life, is people that get hungry for 139 00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:25.159 power and love the importance that comes with it. They 140 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:27.840 don't care who they trample. At some point, they get 141 00:09:27.879 --> 00:09:30.600 obsessed with possessing more. 142 00:09:32.559 --> 00:09:36.360 And that can be at any level, right, I mean truly, yeah, 143 00:09:36.720 --> 00:09:42.360 because power is different for everyone. I know that for me, 144 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:46.559 I had the things that happened to me in my past, 145 00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:49.320 and then I kind of started working in this survival 146 00:09:49.399 --> 00:09:53.879 mode and then with that it was like, Okay, I'm 147 00:09:53.879 --> 00:09:56.559 not going to be my mother, I'm going to show them, 148 00:09:57.080 --> 00:10:02.360 you know whatever. With each thing that I accomplished, I 149 00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:06.600 was trying to feel something from that, like you're talking about, 150 00:10:06.679 --> 00:10:09.679 I was trying to fill my cup. But the thing 151 00:10:09.799 --> 00:10:14.480 is that thing would happen and then I wouldn't even 152 00:10:14.759 --> 00:10:18.240 appreciate that win. It would just be on to the 153 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:22.240 next thing. So it's kind of like that hamster wheel 154 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:26.399 we talk about. We're just constantly seeking the next thing 155 00:10:29.000 --> 00:10:33.840 for feeling that worth, when in fact we never really 156 00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:35.600 feel fulfilled. 157 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:40.120 Well, you never feel worthy. You're seeking worth in the 158 00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:44.000 wrong ways. And so wherever there are systems, and I 159 00:10:44.039 --> 00:10:48.000 mean family systems first, but then also community systems, where 160 00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:54.039 there are conditions, there are always counterfeits. Conditions serve counterfeits. 161 00:10:54.679 --> 00:10:59.519 A counterfeit can sound positive, like all of our kids 162 00:10:59.519 --> 00:11:02.720 are going to go to Ivy League colleges. That can 163 00:11:02.759 --> 00:11:06.279 sound positive, It can sound like parents who really care 164 00:11:06.600 --> 00:11:12.679 about their kid's success. Right, But when it becomes a condition, right, 165 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:16.720 and the hidden counterfeit behind that can make us. 166 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:20.679 Look good, yes, right, yes, So then. 167 00:11:20.519 --> 00:11:24.600 The kids, if you put that condition in place, it 168 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:28.240 becomes the new foundation, and the pillars that are built 169 00:11:28.279 --> 00:11:32.399 are awareness of the condition. Only respect the condition, Your 170 00:11:32.519 --> 00:11:36.159 esteem comes from that condition, and then your confidence is 171 00:11:36.200 --> 00:11:39.600 in living towards that condition. And you're trying to get 172 00:11:39.600 --> 00:11:45.320 a capstone of Ivy League education, but underneath that is 173 00:11:45.960 --> 00:11:50.799 and that'll make my parents love me. Yes, instead of 174 00:11:51.039 --> 00:11:54.600 loving the kids from the beginning, offering them worth as 175 00:11:54.639 --> 00:11:58.200 a birthright and saying I don't know who you are yet, 176 00:11:58.679 --> 00:12:00.519 I'm going to help you figure out it out. And 177 00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:03.720 it's going to take the next twenty twenty one years 178 00:12:05.240 --> 00:12:09.679 through development. And we've brought Ericson's psychosocial model in and 179 00:12:09.679 --> 00:12:13.840 we've paired the different developmental stages of self worth along 180 00:12:13.879 --> 00:12:18.480 with each of those stages that he offers. Because what 181 00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:22.159 we're looking at is if you're given worth the first 182 00:12:22.200 --> 00:12:25.440 year of your life, it's you're given a bottle. That's 183 00:12:25.480 --> 00:12:28.360 a life need. But the way you're given that bottle 184 00:12:28.440 --> 00:12:32.240 is a self worth need. And it's invisible because parents 185 00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:37.120 can get perturbed, parents can be exhausted, and the baby 186 00:12:37.159 --> 00:12:40.279 can get up in the middle of the night three times, right, 187 00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:42.639 And does it want to be fed? Does it want 188 00:12:42.679 --> 00:12:44.919 to be rocks? Does it want to be changed? You know, 189 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:46.919 you have to figure it out, and so you get 190 00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:49.519 so tired and so then you can give that next 191 00:12:49.559 --> 00:12:53.840 bottle in a very apathetic or angry way like, oh, 192 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:58.799 fight and be hungry. That's received on an emotional level. 193 00:12:59.480 --> 00:13:04.799 How about that? Yeah, that's powerful and that makes a 194 00:13:04.799 --> 00:13:08.840 lot of sense because even if they don't understand words, 195 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:12.039 they understand the feeling and the energy that you're putting 196 00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:18.840 off and your tone, right, all of those things. 197 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:18.679 There. 198 00:13:18.919 --> 00:13:21.120 And I see this a lot and where I live, 199 00:13:21.559 --> 00:13:25.919 it does somehow make you feel as a parent like, oh, 200 00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:28.679 if my child does this thing, then this makes me 201 00:13:28.759 --> 00:13:34.519 look good, right, yeah, and it does put so much 202 00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:38.519 pressure on these kids. Not everyone's path is the same. 203 00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:41.399 We don't, and we have this cookie cutter thing in 204 00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:48.879 some regards, right, And now I feel we are understanding 205 00:13:49.080 --> 00:13:52.799 that we do have different paths and that's okay. But 206 00:13:52.960 --> 00:13:59.600 through this there's a lot of anxiety and depression, Yes, 207 00:14:00.200 --> 00:14:05.919 that is being experienced. And you say that anxiety and 208 00:14:05.960 --> 00:14:11.120 depression can sometimes stem from denied self worth. Yes, and 209 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:14.120 that's really powerful. So can you explain what you mean 210 00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:15.559 by that? 211 00:14:15.559 --> 00:14:19.279 That was really important to name a phenomenon that I 212 00:14:19.320 --> 00:14:22.559 saw over and over again. I call it denied self 213 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:25.399 worth because I don't believe you can lose self worth 214 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:28.639 but so many of my clients were coming in with 215 00:14:28.679 --> 00:14:33.679 what I started calling a lost worth story. They believed 216 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:37.679 their worth was lost. And I started to get a 217 00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:40.320 sense of why they believed it, because if the people 218 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:45.080 who love them didn't affirm their worth, it must be lost. 219 00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:49.080 They did this little mental gymnastics in their head. Well, 220 00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:52.200 the people that love me don't affirm my worth, so 221 00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:56.440 it must be lost. And so I started calling it 222 00:14:56.480 --> 00:15:00.039 denied self worth, and just I feel like it's so 223 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:03.960 oftens the experience. It's like, how can they affirm your 224 00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:06.200 worth and they don't know how to affirm their own 225 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:12.000 and so the system promotes this these threads of denied 226 00:15:12.039 --> 00:15:16.279 self worth in different ways. And that's the real problem. 227 00:15:16.440 --> 00:15:20.639 It's not that all worth is denied. Conditional worth means 228 00:15:21.240 --> 00:15:25.159 some things about you are affirmed, But it's the conditions 229 00:15:25.639 --> 00:15:29.159 that the parents want in the system that either make 230 00:15:29.200 --> 00:15:32.080 them look good or make them less afraid. There are 231 00:15:32.200 --> 00:15:34.480 lots of ways this plays out. 232 00:15:35.679 --> 00:15:39.080 Yeah, yeah, that makes sense, Yeah, a lot of sense 233 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:44.000 that fear. So tell us what's the difference between self worth, 234 00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:46.879 self esteem, and confidence. 235 00:15:49.399 --> 00:15:53.639 That was a really fun part of my research is 236 00:15:53.720 --> 00:15:58.240 I would hear clients talk about self confidence, they wanted 237 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:01.120 more self confidence, or they had low self esteem, or 238 00:16:01.639 --> 00:16:05.679 they didn't know how to respect themselves. And I started 239 00:16:05.720 --> 00:16:08.360 looking those terms up. Just I went to the dictionary. 240 00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:13.000 I was like, what what does the world say about 241 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:17.279 these concepts? And there was tons of overlap. I want 242 00:16:17.320 --> 00:16:19.480 you to do this as an experiment. Just go to 243 00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:22.519 the dictionary and look each of those terms up and 244 00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:25.519 you'll see a tremendous amount of overlap. And I was like, why, 245 00:16:26.600 --> 00:16:30.480 why do all these terms have overlap? What's combining them? 246 00:16:30.919 --> 00:16:34.360 What's the common thread? And then I was like, what 247 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:40.000 if it's worth? What if when you honor worth? All 248 00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:44.039 of those things start to happen. And so that's why 249 00:16:44.080 --> 00:16:46.919 I put all those together. Awareness is a pillar because 250 00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:51.320 without awareness, you can't take the next steps. So awareness 251 00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:54.360 of yourself is worthy has to happen. And that's what 252 00:16:54.440 --> 00:16:56.759 I work on in therapy A lot is just starting 253 00:16:56.799 --> 00:16:59.960 to create awareness of self worth and of human worth. 254 00:17:00.519 --> 00:17:05.759 We need both. My most conscientious clients and I just 255 00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:10.160 love their hearts. They can't even get into the self 256 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:13.640 worth stuff if I don't talk about human worth because 257 00:17:13.680 --> 00:17:17.400 they want everybody to be okay, and I just I 258 00:17:17.480 --> 00:17:21.839 love that kind of wiring in people. So then when 259 00:17:21.880 --> 00:17:24.799 we look at self respect as the second pillar, respect 260 00:17:24.920 --> 00:17:28.960 is how we protect self worth. And I've decided that's 261 00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:32.960 what it was made for. Yeah, it's been misused. It's 262 00:17:33.079 --> 00:17:36.160 been used as a way to get conformity. You will 263 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:39.880 respect me. But if I'm a parent and I respect 264 00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:43.640 the worth of my child, I sound very differently. I 265 00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:47.920 say things like, hey, please don't disrespect me as your parent, 266 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:51.920 but I'm also not interested in disrespecting you as a 267 00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:53.960 person trying to figure out who you are. 268 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:59.799 God, I love that. I love that, Yeah, I I do. 269 00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:02.799 I try to do that. I tried to be respectful 270 00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:10.079 of my children's feelings because I recognize and threw my 271 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:14.039 own upbringing. My mother. There were a lot of things 272 00:18:14.039 --> 00:18:16.160 that were going on, but I just remember this one 273 00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:19.400 particular time where she was trying to parent me, and 274 00:18:19.440 --> 00:18:24.880 she didn't parent me often, and so I was disrespectful 275 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:26.759 to her. I was a senior in high school and 276 00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:30.119 I wanted to go out and she was out partying 277 00:18:30.160 --> 00:18:32.400 all the time, and there was so much dysfunction in 278 00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:36.640 my family, and she said that I couldn't go, and 279 00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:38.680 I said, no, you aren't going to tell me. I 280 00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:42.400 can't go. I'm going. And she was saying that I 281 00:18:42.440 --> 00:18:45.200 didn't respect her, and I said, how can I respect 282 00:18:45.279 --> 00:18:49.799 you when you never respect me? And it really is 283 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:55.920 an exchange. There is so much more respect when you 284 00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:01.720 respect this human And I learned so much much about myself, 285 00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:07.079 even through the eyes of my children. Yes, yeah, so 286 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:11.920 I you know, I really appreciate that. And I myself, 287 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:15.720 I'm almost eleven years sober. And it's through all of 288 00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:21.279 my healing and rewiring of my brain and the actions 289 00:19:21.279 --> 00:19:24.559 that I've taken every day to create this change of 290 00:19:24.599 --> 00:19:31.079 myself because and I talk about worth a lot, because worth, 291 00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:36.079 I didn't have any self worth. I had couldn't communicate well, 292 00:19:36.519 --> 00:19:41.400 I had no self boundaries, no self esteem, confidence. I 293 00:19:42.079 --> 00:19:44.960 just felt like I was a shell of a person, truly, 294 00:19:46.519 --> 00:19:49.440 and I used alcohol most of my life to cope 295 00:19:49.480 --> 00:19:53.039 with that feeling, to give myself confidence and. 296 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:55.039 Act like I had it all together. 297 00:19:56.440 --> 00:20:00.559 Until it broke me down completely. Through this healing and 298 00:20:00.599 --> 00:20:04.200 the gratitude and forgiveness and all these different ways that 299 00:20:04.359 --> 00:20:09.880 I've learned to find myself, and I don't find your 300 00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:14.720 worthy self exactly, And it doesn't have to be transactional anymore. 301 00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:17.880 Right, One of the things I love to do in 302 00:20:17.960 --> 00:20:21.559 session as I introduce this is I'll say, okay, here's 303 00:20:21.559 --> 00:20:23.720 your worth, and think of it as sitting like right 304 00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:27.119 over your heart, because I believe it lives here more 305 00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:30.160 than here. This is where conditional worth is. It's the 306 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:33.480 workforce stuff is up here, the real stuff, like keep 307 00:20:33.519 --> 00:20:36.559 it right close to our heart. And unfortunately, there are 308 00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:40.000 family systems that have been doing this for generations. They 309 00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:43.119 start sliding conditions over the top of that. So when 310 00:20:43.119 --> 00:20:45.359 you look down, you don't see your worth. You only 311 00:20:45.400 --> 00:20:49.039 see the condition required to belong in that system, and 312 00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:52.680 it can get stacked full of conditions. It's usually more 313 00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:57.359 than one that's operating, and so your worth isn't gone, 314 00:20:57.839 --> 00:21:02.319 but you can't access it, and it's yours. It's your 315 00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:06.799 self worth sitting there wanting to be affirmed, wanting to 316 00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:10.279 be honored. And so when you looked at and you're 317 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:14.119 looking for it, and you're like, am I not worthy? 318 00:21:15.759 --> 00:21:19.119 And the world doesn't support me being worthy because if 319 00:21:19.160 --> 00:21:21.960 your own parents don't, the world doesn't really show up 320 00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:24.759 and give you a different message. And so what I 321 00:21:24.839 --> 00:21:27.279 tell people to do is like, what if we slid 322 00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:30.359 that condition, we can do one at a time. Okay, 323 00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:33.160 but if we slid that out and we've got to 324 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:36.759 look at that, that's actually a very scary moment. Yeah, 325 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:39.599 because what I see happen in the face of the 326 00:21:39.640 --> 00:21:42.920 person I'm working with is when I do this, I 327 00:21:43.000 --> 00:21:47.039 see them get gripped with fear because they're afraid nothing's there. 328 00:21:47.079 --> 00:21:50.279 It's why they won't ever slide those conditions away, because 329 00:21:50.319 --> 00:21:54.640 if you can get some worth for this, you're going 330 00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:58.279 to take that to not find out this is gone. 331 00:21:58.519 --> 00:22:02.200 I just don't believe this is gone. Yeah, And so 332 00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:07.480 what we come in contact with in session is how 333 00:22:07.559 --> 00:22:11.960 frightening it is to think maybe I'm not worthy. And 334 00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:16.200 that's why addictions crop up. I mean a lot of 335 00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:24.119 the new writings around trauma say all addictions stems from trauma. Yeah, yeah, right. 336 00:22:24.839 --> 00:22:27.759 There's yeah, there is a reason. And it doesn't have 337 00:22:27.799 --> 00:22:29.920 to be a childhood trauma. Could be divorced, could be 338 00:22:29.960 --> 00:22:34.920 something in your adulthood, the grief you know, somebody passes on. 339 00:22:35.799 --> 00:22:37.680 But yeah, I just. 340 00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:41.200 I work with a lot of people, and in the 341 00:22:41.240 --> 00:22:45.000 work that I do, there's once you get to that 342 00:22:45.160 --> 00:22:49.720 place of alcohol used disorder and and you feel like 343 00:22:49.759 --> 00:22:52.039 you can't stop and there's no other way, and then 344 00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:55.319 you have so much shame and guilt around it, and 345 00:22:56.119 --> 00:22:59.440 it's just like you don't feel worthy, and then you 346 00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:03.720 feel even less worthy because of what you have done 347 00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:04.359 with your life. 348 00:23:05.319 --> 00:23:08.559 Well, it's how you start parenting yourself. And we don't 349 00:23:08.599 --> 00:23:13.400 say that enough, but we will copy the ways we 350 00:23:13.400 --> 00:23:17.000 were parented. But the reason I felt like this book 351 00:23:17.119 --> 00:23:20.400 needed to be written and why I developed worth conscious 352 00:23:20.440 --> 00:23:25.480 theory is it's so invisible the phenomenon that are behind 353 00:23:25.759 --> 00:23:30.319 all of these really awful human experiences that affect worth. 354 00:23:30.519 --> 00:23:34.200 That part's been invisible, like my whole life, and people 355 00:23:34.319 --> 00:23:37.079 talk about worth and they say you're worthy, and they 356 00:23:37.119 --> 00:23:40.559 couldn't put structure behind it. I was like, how do 357 00:23:40.680 --> 00:23:43.559 we restructure this and how do we give it to 358 00:23:43.640 --> 00:23:46.480 each other? I really feel like we can empower each 359 00:23:46.519 --> 00:23:49.880 other when our parents didn't know how to, and we 360 00:23:49.960 --> 00:23:53.319 need to, Like, this is a gift that humanity can 361 00:23:53.759 --> 00:23:57.079 give each other. It's like giving back and helping the 362 00:23:57.160 --> 00:24:01.680 next generation get a hold of something that tangible and 363 00:24:01.720 --> 00:24:05.799 that can be reaffirmed and can be eventually realized and 364 00:24:05.880 --> 00:24:09.039 then it's solid. And you asked me a question earlier 365 00:24:09.119 --> 00:24:12.279 about confidence. When you have confidence in your worth as 366 00:24:12.279 --> 00:24:16.799 a birthright, and you develop realize self worth. That realize 367 00:24:16.799 --> 00:24:21.519 self worth is unshakable. Nothing anyone says from that point 368 00:24:21.559 --> 00:24:25.200 on takes any chunk of your worth out. 369 00:24:26.680 --> 00:24:29.599 Yeah, or it can affect you a little bit, but 370 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:32.839 then you have the tools and you can manage the 371 00:24:34.039 --> 00:24:36.119 I feel like that crazy in your head, right, Like 372 00:24:36.200 --> 00:24:40.079 if somebody says something and it hurts you and it 373 00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:42.680 kind of changes the way you think, and then you 374 00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:45.880 can ask yourself, why am I feeling that? What is 375 00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:50.279 the root of that versus having that person affect you 376 00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:52.240 and how you feel about yourself. 377 00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:58.000 What if we change that inner dialogue too, When somebody 378 00:24:58.680 --> 00:25:02.480 moves against us and we feel it, it should hurt 379 00:25:02.559 --> 00:25:05.119 because they've been unkind, so we feel it it hurts. 380 00:25:05.400 --> 00:25:09.000 What if we change that internal dialogue to why would 381 00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:12.920 that person move against my worth? Why would they deny 382 00:25:13.039 --> 00:25:16.319 my worth? That's such a weird thing to do. I 383 00:25:16.359 --> 00:25:18.880 wouldn't deny their worth. Like, what if we made it 384 00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:22.720 about that instead of why are you hurting me? Right? 385 00:25:23.400 --> 00:25:25.880 Then we just personalized it. We just took the pain 386 00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:28.720 and we put it on like a coat. But if 387 00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:32.440 we distance ourselves a little bit and say I felt 388 00:25:32.519 --> 00:25:38.480 the move against me, I felt the verbal or emotional assault, right, 389 00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:41.279 and it hurts that somebody is willing to do that 390 00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:45.319 to me. But why are they denying my worth? Because 391 00:25:45.680 --> 00:25:47.759 I'm not interested in doing that to them? Do you 392 00:25:47.799 --> 00:25:52.119 see how we get a little distance when we make 393 00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:55.680 it about something that simple? And what if that's the truth. 394 00:25:56.519 --> 00:25:59.720 What if they're doing to us what's always been done 395 00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:02.880 to One of the things I like to talk about 396 00:26:02.920 --> 00:26:06.400 in session. And I don't believe this made it into 397 00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:09.519 the book. If it did, it was one little instance, 398 00:26:09.519 --> 00:26:11.720 because I need to do more research on this. But 399 00:26:12.119 --> 00:26:16.319 I talk about worth envy and that there are people 400 00:26:16.319 --> 00:26:19.200 that have worth envy and when they see it in you, 401 00:26:19.920 --> 00:26:25.000