Speaker 1: I'm Ali.
Speaker 2: I came out after twenty years of marriage and I
Speaker 2: have three kids.
Speaker 3: I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came
Speaker 3: out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.
Speaker 2: This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles
Speaker 2: and victories that come with it.
Speaker 3: When coming out feels like the end of the world,
Speaker 3: but it's really just the beginning.
Speaker 2: This is the Lesbian Chronicles.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles.
Speaker 4: Five four four three one.
Speaker 2: It feels like for me, like impending doom.
Speaker 4: Get the same wave of anxiety when you see the countdown.
Speaker 1: I got the waves of anxiety.
Speaker 3: Have very little things for our listeners who don't understand
Speaker 3: we're talking about before we record on this new riverside
Speaker 3: thing that we've been using lately, it counts us down
Speaker 3: from five and it is like, okay, nobody move.
Speaker 2: It just feels just like also like your brain is
Speaker 2: like what am I going to say?
Speaker 1: What am I going to say?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 2: I felt like, what's weird is that it should have
Speaker 2: helped with that and instead it made it harder.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I sort of like just being thrown into
Speaker 1: the deep end.
Speaker 3: I mean it's a little bit, but it's like counting
Speaker 3: down before you jump into the deep end.
Speaker 1: True.
Speaker 2: Okay, let me tell you though, a little anxiety that
Speaker 2: I felt last night, since we're talking about five four.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: So I'm it's light outside, I'm working.
Speaker 2: I'm working late now almost all the time because I
Speaker 2: just have a lot of balls in the air, a
Speaker 2: lot of things I have going with you, a lot
Speaker 2: of things that I'm going with you that you don't
Speaker 2: even know about right now.
Speaker 1: Like remember the other day when you were like fill
Speaker 1: me in on like the latest on it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I continue to work on.
Speaker 1: It and having your updated you.
Speaker 2: So Melissa's in businesses, businesses, she knows nothing about, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So anyway, I had that going and then I was
Speaker 2: on a zoom with my sister, who you know, I'm
Speaker 2: in business with, and it's like so I'm like head down,
Speaker 2: I am like in work mode, stressed.
Speaker 1: And like doing work stuff.
Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, I get this call
Speaker 2: from somebody that I'm just hard crushing on and I
Speaker 2: don't know how else to say it. So she is
Speaker 2: like out having happy hour with her friends, and it's
Speaker 2: basically like, hey, we're coming over, and so they've been
Speaker 2: drinking and I'm like sober working. My house is a mess,
Speaker 2: like so I literally in my anxiety, I yelled to Read.
Speaker 1: I'm like, dude, I need you right now.
Speaker 2: Like he became like my wingman of like get this
Speaker 2: house in order, you know what to do, like the
Speaker 2: so nos, the stuff, the like, get us prepared for
Speaker 2: these people.
Speaker 1: And he was like my my teammate.
Speaker 2: He fucking sprung into action. Next thing, I know, like
Speaker 2: I got myself ready. I walked down into the kitchen
Speaker 2: and he'd done the whole thing, like hoary perfect, Reid.
Speaker 3: Is like so well trained on how to do this.
Speaker 3: I was actually just I took the kids to Trader
Speaker 3: Joe's the other day. They were very unwilling, they did
Speaker 3: not want to go. But in summer, so I'm like,
Speaker 3: we need to get out of the house sometimes and
Speaker 3: I'm like pointing to all this stuff to buy and
Speaker 3: then like there was something something.
Speaker 4: Caylen was like, oh, Reed made me that, and they yeah.
Speaker 3: And She's like yeah, made like five different things that
Speaker 3: day for us, like and she was like, there's no
Speaker 3: way I could have eaten all the food that Red made.
Speaker 3: And I was like, you know why, because he's a
Speaker 3: good host. He has been very well trained on what
Speaker 3: he was trained.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something.
Speaker 2: I walked down and I'm like, dude, you just like
Speaker 2: brought so much peace to me. And I should say
Speaker 2: like too, it's more than a crush, like it's it's
Speaker 2: a thing. So I'm and I've never met her friends.
Speaker 2: Oh so and I'm sober, they're not so. I mean,
Speaker 2: there's so many factors in this thing. So he springs
Speaker 2: to action and then while they pull in and like
Speaker 2: he literally did all of the thing. Hey, it's so
Speaker 2: good to meet you like he did with me, all
Speaker 2: of it, like he was like having you there and
Speaker 2: then it ended up being great. Yeah, anxiety on anxiety,
Speaker 2: it takes me like fifteen seconds and.
Speaker 1: Then I relax. Yeah, and I'm okay, but that one
Speaker 1: was like a thing.
Speaker 2: And of course they're like, you know, no pressure, like
Speaker 2: if you if it's not a good time, and I'm.
Speaker 1: Like, no, it's a great time.
Speaker 4: It's a great time.
Speaker 1: It's perfect, great time, it's.
Speaker 4: Perfect, house was perfect, come on in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So so.
Speaker 3: Many things create anxiety that you don't anticipate.
Speaker 4: I don't know, Like no, my son was just a
Speaker 4: camp for five days totally, and it's like sending him
Speaker 4: off to boot camp.
Speaker 1: You know, I know they don't let you talk to them.
Speaker 4: Great, I didn't talk to him for five days.
Speaker 3: I show up there yesterday to pick him up from
Speaker 3: like this high school parking lot, and his cabin leader
Speaker 3: is already there. He's like, yeah, broken out of fever yesterday,
Speaker 3: didn't feel that great, but he's doing good now.
Speaker 4: I'm like, what, like I had no idea.
Speaker 1: Called Yeah, it didn't.
Speaker 4: It's so bizarre.
Speaker 3: And then he's like for him getting off the bus
Speaker 3: and they make him line up. I have to like
Speaker 3: go to the cabin leader first to like get him,
Speaker 3: like he can't come running up and hug me. And
Speaker 3: then I'm sitting there, I'm like please, I'm like about
Speaker 3: to burst into tears.
Speaker 4: I can feel it like coming, and I'm like I
Speaker 4: cannot like be that dramatic crazy yeah, but also give
Speaker 4: me my baby please.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: So, but he did good.
Speaker 3: I'm so impressed with him, Like he is not an
Speaker 3: outdoorsy kid, does not like bugs all the things, but
Speaker 3: he did it.
Speaker 4: He had fun. But then he was like, but I'm
Speaker 4: never doing it again.
Speaker 1: Oh really? Yeah, Okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 2: So I want to dig in on that like was
Speaker 2: it just like because I remember my parents always had
Speaker 2: us go to summer camp, and like I would remember
Speaker 2: at night feeling extreme homesickness.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but the differences did feel a little homesick and.
Speaker 3: When he was also like, I want my bed, I
Speaker 3: want a real shower, you know, like and again it
Speaker 3: was only five days.
Speaker 4: And if some kids go to summer camp for like
Speaker 4: the whole summer.
Speaker 1: Like readas two weeks.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a long time time.
Speaker 2: I think like when I was little too, like my
Speaker 2: parents left us a lot, Like they traveled a lot,
Speaker 2: and like we would be my sister and I with
Speaker 2: our sitter, and so I sort of like as much
Speaker 2: as I missed my mom and dad, I don't I
Speaker 2: think I had it a little easier and that I
Speaker 2: was used to being abandoned.
Speaker 3: But no, Allie, we need to dig deeper on this, right.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm making connections here, right, I'm.
Speaker 1: Sure, just like my therapist does.
Speaker 3: The thing is, it's like I feel that abandonment wound
Speaker 3: even though my parents never they barely went anywhere, but
Speaker 3: my dad was away a lot, and I remember feeling
Speaker 3: that anxiety that I didn't know was anxiety at the time.
Speaker 4: Feeling that, like when it was about day three.
Speaker 3: That he'd been gone, I would start to have this
Speaker 3: like pit in my stomach over I mean my dad back. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and it's like again one of those things where you
Speaker 3: can't compare her, Like even though my dad wasn't abandoning
Speaker 3: my family by any means, he was working, it still
Speaker 3: created like that little bit of a wound in me,
Speaker 3: you know, And I'm sure that did with you too.
Speaker 4: I'm sure. I'm sure let's talk about it.
Speaker 2: I know, let's unpack this right now. I guess too,
Speaker 2: Like I'm balancing that with also the example of I
Speaker 2: mean they would leave for maybe ten days, like it
Speaker 2: wasn't like they were gone for like a summer. But
Speaker 2: I would say that, like, I balance that with the
Speaker 2: fact I think my abandonment comes more from the drinking
Speaker 2: of my parent, my mom than it does that because
Speaker 2: I also feel like I'm very appreciative of the marriage
Speaker 2: they have, like it is such such a gold and
Speaker 2: of this is how this's a master class and how
Speaker 2: to love somebody.
Speaker 1: The right way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I mean I was saying to someone the
Speaker 2: other day my dad when I was just in Florida,
Speaker 2: I could hear my mom and dad in bed in
Speaker 2: the morning when I was having my coffee, like laughing
Speaker 2: in their room.
Speaker 1: Like they are eighty Yeah. Like I could literally hear my.
Speaker 2: Mom like dying laughing at my dad. And I'm like,
Speaker 2: this is a masterclass in marriage.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I mean picks her every day.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good point. Like my parents they're still married.
Speaker 4: My mom got.
Speaker 3: Bit by a cat the other day, which what sounds
Speaker 3: spit by my mom. This is not the first time,
Speaker 3: and this is one of her cats too. It's not
Speaker 3: like a stray cat, but it her hand swelled up
Speaker 3: like a balloon, like so swollen to where they took
Speaker 3: my dad took her to the hospital. She has actually
Speaker 3: admitted to the hospital for like the past two days.
Speaker 4: She's getting released today.
Speaker 3: But it was bad, like they had to through like ivy, antibiotics.
Speaker 4: They were talking about doing surgery, like all this stuff.
Speaker 3: And my dad's there, you know, without batting an eyelash.
Speaker 4: He's sitting there.
Speaker 3: He sat with her until she got admitted to a
Speaker 3: room like at you know, eight o'clock at night on Friday,
Speaker 3: I think.
Speaker 4: It's Friday, Thursday. But he's not leaving her side.
Speaker 3: He loves her and you know it, Like you're saying,
Speaker 3: it's like a masterclass and like you're choosing your person, Yeah,
Speaker 3: and you're sticking by their side no matter what.
Speaker 1: It's a masterclass on how to love somebody.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just so, I don't know, like in some ways,
Speaker 2: if somebody said, what I trade my parents leaving for
Speaker 2: the fact that they treated their relationship like a it
Speaker 2: was something they worked up. Like my dad, if I
Speaker 2: asked them, now, do you regret all the time? I mean,
Speaker 2: he would say he it was very important that he
Speaker 2: put all that time in with my mom, like going
Speaker 2: places and having adventures together without us.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I do think that that's important really, Like, and it's
Speaker 3: okay for like your kids to miss you, you know,
Speaker 3: and your kids to know. I think there there's a
Speaker 3: level of appreciation that was built with my relationship with
Speaker 3: my dad of like knowing what it's like when he
Speaker 3: wasn't around and being like, oh he's back.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there was a void there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think as long as like the parent
Speaker 3: is kind of being emotionally present in the meantime too,
Speaker 3: you know, like whenever I typically when I'm not with
Speaker 3: my kids, I'm calling them almost every day at least
Speaker 3: checking in.
Speaker 4: I know, like I kind of backed off on like
Speaker 4: making them talk to.
Speaker 3: Me every day because it's like you can tell they
Speaker 3: don't really care that much, but it is like what
Speaker 3: you're doing in the meantime when you're apart, you know,
Speaker 3: and I think that time that your parents are spending,
Speaker 3: we're spending together. That's like part of the reason why
Speaker 3: they're so great today. Yeah, like to have that break.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're gonna, I mean they're yeah, it's like they're enjoying.
Speaker 2: They're in their you know, golden years with their best friend.
Speaker 2: So it's like there they run errands together. They like
Speaker 2: they just choose to be together in such a sweet way.
Speaker 1: Really.
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyway, let me tell you another quick funny thing
Speaker 2: that came across this morning. My desk was your DJ party.
Speaker 2: You were playing a song and one of our friends
Speaker 2: I'm not going to reveal who, but a very sex
Speaker 2: tape ish video has surfaced that I am so excited
Speaker 2: about unveiling Lake Weekend. Wait what it must be your
Speaker 2: DJ skills may just love in the air.
Speaker 4: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: So it's just hilarious, Like it's so funny. I hadn't
Speaker 2: seen it and then it like surfaced and I'm like, wave, what.
Speaker 1: Anyway you're going to enjoy it?
Speaker 3: I saw a few little romantic connections happening on the
Speaker 3: dance floor when I was djaying that night.
Speaker 1: Yes you're the d You're the love connection DJ.
Speaker 4: What can I say?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 4: I had a blast though. That was so much fun.
Speaker 4: It went by so quickly too, like Okay, it was
Speaker 4: like eleven thirty and I was like, I haven't sat down.
Speaker 3: I'm gone to the bathroom the whole time, like and
Speaker 3: I didn't realize it.
Speaker 1: So wow, So you'll you want to do it again?
Speaker 4: I would do Yeah. Yeah. I keep joking about it
Speaker 4: because I'm like I don't feel like I'm not.
Speaker 3: Like, you know, Phoebe gets up there and she's like like,
Speaker 3: it's like amazing how well she mixes everything.
Speaker 4: She's got all these effects.
Speaker 1: Starting out and then you got to start somewhere. The
Speaker 1: music was great, thank you? Yeah, it was really really good.
Speaker 1: All right, Well let's get after our topic today.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's play a little something and then I want
Speaker 2: to talk about it because I have heard this before
Speaker 2: and I always try to remember what he said because
Speaker 2: this has like resonated with me for a long time,
Speaker 2: but it came across again today, so I saved it
Speaker 2: and sent it to you, and I think it's I
Speaker 2: think it's a thousand percent true. Okay, I think I
Speaker 2: was trying to describe this to you once when you
Speaker 2: were at a long distance relationship.
Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, but here we go.
Speaker 5: I think great relationships are based on one it called
Speaker 5: three plus one, which is you have to have intellectual compatibility,
Speaker 5: which is you teach and learn. You have to have
Speaker 5: emotional compatibility where you're showing up to grow together, right,
Speaker 5: you can find vulnerability in the whole space for each other.
Speaker 5: You have to have sexual compatibility, which is not physical attraction.
Speaker 5: It's sexual attraction. And you can have a good relationship
Speaker 5: with one and a half or two of those, but
Speaker 5: you kind of have a great relationship with that three, yes,
Speaker 5: because they're not all on high at the same time.
Speaker 5: They sort of they go up and down and they
Speaker 5: wax away, and so you need the others to hold
Speaker 5: each other, to hold the others up when one is down.
Speaker 5: And the plus one is circumstances like timing, ting, vacation,
Speaker 5: like when I've met people who are threes and they're
Speaker 5: married and their kids and they're.
Speaker 1: Happily married, and we look each other and go at a.
Speaker 5: Different time it might have worked but definitely not now,
Speaker 5: and we just smile and we go on.
Speaker 1: Or I've met somebody who lives on the other.
Speaker 5: Side of the world and I'm not moving, they're not moving,
Speaker 5: and you struggle, you go, ah, circumstances very different.
Speaker 1: I agree with that like wholeheartedly.
Speaker 2: And I think we both could describe people we know
Speaker 2: or even relationships we've had that have had like one
Speaker 2: or two really well. But to have all three is
Speaker 2: like it's game changing. And you know when you do,
Speaker 2: like I think it's it's so it's so rare, and
Speaker 2: sometimes when you get into a relationship it might look
Speaker 2: like that it's all three and it isn't. Or you know,
Speaker 2: it could be too that like one of those things
Speaker 2: is more important to you than another one of those things.
Speaker 2: Like I've had people tell me that this the third
Speaker 2: physical attraction, is less important to them than say, the
Speaker 2: intellectual attraction. And again he's not talking about how somebody looks.
Speaker 2: He's talking about like chemically how you want to be
Speaker 2: with them. So I think that it's it's also like
Speaker 2: you might value your hierarchy might look different than my
Speaker 2: hierarchy of what's really important.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you do have to have all three to have
Speaker 1: it be great.
Speaker 3: All three plus plus circumstances be the biggest one, because
Speaker 3: I do I think, you know, I think a lot
Speaker 3: about when we had the Lesbian Matchmaker on Sophia a
Speaker 3: couple of months ago, and she was saying, you know,
Speaker 3: if you really do want to kind of broaden your
Speaker 3: horizons and dating, like, you need to be open to
Speaker 3: long distance relationships.
Speaker 4: Yep, And I agree with that.
Speaker 3: But there's a lot of factors that go into the circumstances.
Speaker 3: You know, is the long distance getting on a getting
Speaker 3: in your car and driving. Is it getting on an
Speaker 3: airplane and taking one flight? Is it getting on an
Speaker 3: air plan flying around the world. There's people that do
Speaker 3: all of those things and do it for years, you know,
Speaker 3: and I think it it works for some people, it
Speaker 3: doesn't work for others, right you, And is that piece
Speaker 3: of it?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: To you, you know, I think that's the question.
Speaker 3: Right And to you specifically, it's like and I think
Speaker 3: that's where things get kind of like tough. Like when
Speaker 3: I was in that long distance relationship, I had people
Speaker 3: being like, ah, that's not that.
Speaker 4: That's fine.
Speaker 3: You know I could do that, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 3: I could do it, but I also wanted it to
Speaker 3: have an end game. Yeah, you know, I couldn't do
Speaker 3: it forever, right, And that's me. That's not what everyone
Speaker 3: else feels or sees. And then I know a lot
Speaker 3: of people that have done long distance for years and
Speaker 3: not had a plan, just kind of like this is
Speaker 3: where we're at right now, and.
Speaker 4: This is how it is. But I find that a
Speaker 4: lot of people.
Speaker 3: Say that when it's like a drive distant situation. I
Speaker 3: think it is thinking very different to be able to
Speaker 3: get in your car car. It's a control more of
Speaker 3: a controlled situation, right versus flights in the cost of
Speaker 3: flights and all those things.
Speaker 2: I think too, Like if you're willing, like I don't
Speaker 2: want to drive, I don't want to drive more than
Speaker 2: about two.
Speaker 1: And a half to three miles, Like that is my reality.
Speaker 4: Like Al's like.
Speaker 2: Ally, I if somebody told me every weekend I'm driving
Speaker 2: two and a half hours, no would I sure?
Speaker 1: But I don't want to.
Speaker 2: So it's like I would feel like that would become
Speaker 2: a drag for someone like me. I don't even want
Speaker 2: to go to East Atlanta.
Speaker 1: It's too far. And I literally, basically.
Speaker 3: Due to your location being pretty central in Atlanta, in
Speaker 3: a huge city, your options are higher, you have things
Speaker 3: to choose from. But someone who lives in the middle
Speaker 3: of nowhere, you know, in Iola or whatever.
Speaker 4: They're going to have to get in the car.
Speaker 3: There was a there's a friend a couple friends of ours,
Speaker 3: a couple friend I'm not going to say their name,
Speaker 3: but they met living in the Midwest. They lived in
Speaker 3: like Nebraska, separate states if I remember, and they were
Speaker 3: having to drive pretty far to see each other initially.
Speaker 3: Now they live together that they've got a beautiful life together, but.
Speaker 1: They're times a decade.
Speaker 3: Initially meeting, they had to have like this broad location
Speaker 3: range of what their dating pool was.
Speaker 2: Yesterday, at Lindsay's ceremony, which was amazing, I met we
Speaker 2: have a friend who had a long distance relationship happening
Speaker 2: for a long time and that woman and they were far,
Speaker 2: I mean big distance, and she just moved to Atlanta.
Speaker 2: Like now they're together in Atlanta within like the past
Speaker 2: three to five months probably, And I said to them, like,
Speaker 2: I'm so curious about that. I'm curious about they didn't
Speaker 2: move been right together. They're living in two separate places initially,
Speaker 2: and I'm so curious about, like what are the growing
Speaker 2: pains of that. You know, you're used to having this
Speaker 2: big distance and now all of a sudden you're like
Speaker 2: in each other's friend group, in each other's space.
Speaker 1: I'm curious about, like what that looks like.
Speaker 4: Yeah, they seem great.
Speaker 1: I mean they seem like it's working out great.
Speaker 4: Right, And like I think that's just it. It's like
Speaker 4: one there's a lot of pressure put around like that.
Speaker 3: Kind of big move, like Okay, I moved my life
Speaker 3: to this city and now I'm starting over again, whereas
Speaker 3: you already have your establish shit. Yeah, like how much
Speaker 3: are you going to help me along the way with
Speaker 3: like me feeling good and welcome without me like overstepping.
Speaker 2: Abandoning or and yeah, without me just totally abandoning myself.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, And I think in the end, it's like
Speaker 3: one of those things that if they survive all that,
Speaker 3: it makes them like a much stronger couple, Right, you
Speaker 3: know what do.
Speaker 1: You think about? Like it's interesting because just this.
Speaker 2: They're a friend of mine was saying to me that, like,
Speaker 2: you know, maybe when you first meet someone and you're
Speaker 2: like really excited and like everything is like lining up
Speaker 2: and you're like, wow, where have you been all my life?
Speaker 1: Like this is unbelievable.
Speaker 2: Then you just immediately throw them into your friend group
Speaker 2: and like then they are like really good friends with
Speaker 2: all your friends. I know you relate to this. She
Speaker 2: was saying that, like maybe it's better. She was talking
Speaker 2: about her own life, not me, but she was like,
Speaker 2: maybe sometimes.
Speaker 1: It's better to like not just.
Speaker 2: Throw like become just so a meshed, have this person
Speaker 2: so a meshed in your friend group that if it
Speaker 2: doesn't have legs and it doesn't work out, and now
Speaker 2: this person is so here, it's like that becomes harder
Speaker 2: for you because you've sort.
Speaker 1: Of given up a lot of your community.
Speaker 2: And right after she said that, it made so much
Speaker 2: sense the way she said it.
Speaker 1: But then right after that I heard Esther.
Speaker 2: Perell say basically the exact opposite, which is date within
Speaker 2: early like have dates that like your people that love
Speaker 2: you are part of that, and it doesn't become like
Speaker 2: an unveiling of this new Oh, I've now been with
Speaker 2: this woman for six months.
Speaker 1: I'm going to introduce you. I'm ready to introduce you. Melissa.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Like that also is like okay, like I know you
Speaker 2: better than anyone, and you're gonna like bring me this this.
Speaker 1: Project you've been working on for six months.
Speaker 2: So I don't know, I don't know like how I
Speaker 2: don't know what the right thing is. But I sort
Speaker 2: of wonder if our friend is right in that. Like
Speaker 2: usually a woman has her own situation kind of like
Speaker 2: last night, she's got her own crew.
Speaker 1: She's don't worried about me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I've got mine.
Speaker 1: I think we can go have fun together.
Speaker 3: But I think that makes a big difference when someone
Speaker 3: does have like their own solid crew, yeah, themselves right,
Speaker 3: And I think it allows for more of that kind
Speaker 3: of division.
Speaker 4: Division doesn't sound like the right word, but that's kind
Speaker 4: of what it is.
Speaker 1: Independence.
Speaker 4: Independence, that's much better.
Speaker 3: Like you can be close and like get to know
Speaker 3: my friends, but you also have your friends that you've
Speaker 3: got history with, that you know that if something goes down,
Speaker 3: they've got you.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 3: I shouldn't say just if something ends, it doesn't have
Speaker 3: to be dramatic, but like those are your people. You
Speaker 3: still have your people. You can still be kind and
Speaker 3: in contact with this other group of friends, these new friends,
Speaker 3: but it doesn't have to be that you're leaning into
Speaker 3: those people that were your exes people that are currently
Speaker 3: your ex's people, And it is kind.
Speaker 4: Of tough too.
Speaker 3: It's like, I think it's good to have input from
Speaker 3: friends that have your best interest in mind as far
Speaker 3: as like what they think of the person that you're dating, Like, yeah,
Speaker 3: does this make sense.
Speaker 4: There's actually an episode of the show How.
Speaker 3: I Met Your Mother where Ted Who's you know. Throughout
Speaker 3: the show like looking for Love, he's introduced his friends
Speaker 3: to like all these girls, and he's finally introduced them
Speaker 3: to this woman that he's like really interested in, and
Speaker 3: they're all at dinner and they're all like getting kind
Speaker 3: of like annoyed with her. All the friends are, and
Speaker 3: he's kind of like after he's like, what is wrong?
Speaker 3: Like what am I missing? And they're like, we're not
Speaker 3: going to tell you because you don't see it.
Speaker 1: Oh the glass breaking.
Speaker 3: He's like, we can't tell you the flaw because you
Speaker 3: don't see it, and like we're going to ruin it
Speaker 3: for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And then eventually the kid comes out that like
Speaker 3: she talked too much.
Speaker 4: She was like so like indecisive and like chattery. They
Speaker 4: were all.
Speaker 3: Annoyed, but he was so in loved and then once
Speaker 3: they said it, he could see it and that was it.
Speaker 4: So I don't know.
Speaker 3: It's like, do you want to know that early on
Speaker 3: when you're you know, before you've immeshed yourself in this person,
Speaker 3: that this flaw that is so like clear by your friends, right?
Speaker 2: Or is it also just like two like you need
Speaker 2: to figure it out almost like for yourself in some way,
Speaker 2: like you can't.
Speaker 1: You need to figure out.
Speaker 2: For yourself how you feel before you have ten opinions.
Speaker 2: I guess I feel like too, like with my friends
Speaker 2: that are like my front row conciliary friends, they're not
Speaker 2: They truly do have my best interest. So unless it's
Speaker 2: a flaw that's like this person is not a nice person,
Speaker 2: like I'm sorry, Ali, she is trouble. This is a
Speaker 2: person who you know, is these things. It's like, I wonder,
Speaker 2: I don't know, like you, I feel like you would
Speaker 2: be looking to really like this person unless there was
Speaker 2: something glaring.
Speaker 4: Yeah you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Right, Like there's no one you're going to put in
Speaker 2: front of me that I'm not going to be trying
Speaker 2: to want to like right.
Speaker 3: And I think also too, It's like at that point
Speaker 3: if I am kind of like, okay, like this is
Speaker 3: the person I'm seeing, I've vetted to that extent, you know,
Speaker 3: and if you're doing that with me, then I'm like, okay,
Speaker 3: like I know that you really like this person.
Speaker 4: You wouldn't be doing that otherwise.
Speaker 3: So I think there are friends though that are looking
Speaker 3: for the negative and everything everyone you know. Yeah, so
Speaker 3: it's like you have to be discerning of like whose
Speaker 3: words you're you know, really taking to heart.
Speaker 1: True, and sometimes that's hard to.
Speaker 4: Know it is. Yeah, Like I know how.
Speaker 2: Like I feel like maybe it's taken me till now
Speaker 2: and are like you come out. You're in this period
Speaker 2: of like rapid growth and development, like you know, we
Speaker 2: call it like a second adolescence almost, And I needed
Speaker 2: to learn these certain lessons with these certain women along
Speaker 2: the way to land in this place today. And like
Speaker 2: I do have a very good read on my nervous
Speaker 2: system and like my emotional band wid it and how
Speaker 2: I feel in certain circumstances. And I'm also have gotten
Speaker 2: to a place of like I'm very able to describe
Speaker 2: it and tell you kind of what's happening for me
Speaker 2: or not happening for me. And I don't know that
Speaker 2: I could have been in that place to recognize what's
Speaker 2: good for me or bad for me back then. Like
Speaker 2: it's like every relationship, I've become a little more in
Speaker 2: tune with my own needs.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it is kind of wild to think about.
Speaker 3: Like like right now I'm dating and I'm like, I
Speaker 3: don't need to like text someone twenty four to seven,
Speaker 3: Whereas a few years ago I would have been like,
Speaker 3: this relationship is not going well, Like even we just
Speaker 3: met her, you know, she didn't text me for like
Speaker 3: two days, Like what the fuck is up with that?
Speaker 4: Now?
Speaker 3: Like no, like that to me now, if I was
Speaker 3: doing that, I'm like that's too much.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like and.
Speaker 3: There is a bit of like okay, like I feel
Speaker 3: so much more settled right now. I feel like it does.
Speaker 3: Things might progress, they might not either way.
Speaker 1: I'm okay, You're cool as a cucumber right now.
Speaker 4: Thanks.
Speaker 1: It's not anxiety, that's no.
Speaker 2: I think like learning about like my nervous ses stuff
Speaker 2: has been in therapy has been like really good for me,
Speaker 2: Like I have a really good read now, even like
Speaker 2: in business meetings, it doesn't even have to just be like,
Speaker 2: I know what excites me, I know what starts to
Speaker 2: make me feel scared and anxious. And I think I've
Speaker 2: been living for a while now in fear and anxiety
Speaker 2: about lots of different things, and like that is starting
Speaker 2: to just like completely.
Speaker 1: Dissipate or as in many ways.
Speaker 2: And so it's like I can just sit in a
Speaker 2: moment and be like, God, this feels like what it's different,
Speaker 2: And I don't know. I think that comes with time,
Speaker 2: and it comes with learning about yourself, and it comes
Speaker 2: with growth and all those things.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, it's such like a little gift.
Speaker 3: I feel like in this whole shitty process that we've
Speaker 3: been through over the last few years, there's been so
Speaker 3: many like ups and downs and pains and sadness, and
Speaker 3: it's like, but in the process, I've learned about myself
Speaker 3: way more than I would have if I had never
Speaker 3: come out like that. The fact that I didn't do
Speaker 3: therapy at all until I know, I started to realize
Speaker 3: this about myself, right, And I remember being like, I
Speaker 3: need to go to a therapist because I think I'm
Speaker 3: bisexual and I don't know what to do with that information.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's what prompted me to go, And it's.
Speaker 3: Like, like I should have been going years ago for
Speaker 3: a number of things, and so I like, it's great.
Speaker 3: It's it's like, oh, this gift of growth through this
Speaker 3: process that I think a lot of people. I think
Speaker 3: it's becoming more prevalent because of you know, social media,
Speaker 3: and it's like we you know, you come across these
Speaker 3: videos that kind of help you understand yourself better.
Speaker 4: That wasn't the thing fifteen twenty years ago.
Speaker 2: No, And it's like if you think about, like when
Speaker 2: you first came out, like I think a lot of
Speaker 2: times people who aren't very in touch, they end up
Speaker 2: just locking down unhealthy things because they just like they're
Speaker 2: inter real. Like if I had locked down and she
Speaker 2: would have if I had locked down my catalyst, can
Speaker 2: you even fucking imagine I am like a completely different
Speaker 2: human being? Yeah, like what I put up with and
Speaker 2: what she put up with, Like, are you fucking kidding me?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: But I could see where that happens.
Speaker 2: You're dating this person, you're excited about this person, and
Speaker 2: then all of a sudden, you're like you end.
Speaker 1: Up locking it down, only to wake up.
Speaker 2: A year from then screaming at each other because you
Speaker 2: really you are wrong for me in every way.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you're dangerous, You're you're.
Speaker 2: Scary for me, Like, I know who I am. I
Speaker 2: am never going to be the girl who's out shutting
Speaker 2: the bar down doing drugs.
Speaker 1: It's just never.
Speaker 2: I'm never going to be in a CD bathroom at
Speaker 2: two am. It's just never going to happen.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So it's like, I but I see how you You
Speaker 2: wake up in these situations and you're like, what because
Speaker 2: you locked it down? Like I think about how many
Speaker 2: relationships that just came out at the gate and then
Speaker 2: they end up with that person and it's like they
Speaker 2: grow and grow and grow and then they're like, what
Speaker 2: the fuck have I done?
Speaker 3: And it is because a lot of the time, like
Speaker 3: coming out and learning this about ourselves, you do meet
Speaker 3: someone right out the gate and it's intoxicating.
Speaker 4: It feels intoxicated.
Speaker 3: And you also, I mean the whole messaging that we
Speaker 3: see throughout our lives of like fairy tale romance and
Speaker 3: like soulmates and meant to be together and all these things.
Speaker 3: It's like, just because this person is front in front
Speaker 3: of you right now, it does not mean that they
Speaker 3: are the person for you forever.
Speaker 2: Exactly, and don't overestimate, like the catalysts have a tendency
Speaker 2: and a lot of you have a lot of sexual
Speaker 2: chemistry because you've been so repressed for so long that
Speaker 2: finally you're with this person. Don't forget about the other
Speaker 2: two things three plus one, the intellectual and the emotional.
Speaker 2: Like it's not to say they're bad people, it's just
Speaker 2: to say that maybe it's a different kind of emotional
Speaker 2: availability or curiosity. You know, I have plenty of friends
Speaker 2: that are very emotionally available and very emotionally intelligent women.
Speaker 1: But I don't want to be with them. I'm not
Speaker 1: I don't have the.
Speaker 2: Attraction or what their capacity is is different from how
Speaker 2: I see relationship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think that's another thing that I'm kind
Speaker 3: of like reevaluating as far as like who I want
Speaker 3: to date. Like, to me, it matters more about like
Speaker 3: that emotional availability, the intelligence, the thoughtfulness, the emotional regulation,
Speaker 3: Like all of those things are so much more important
Speaker 3: to me than you know, an appearance. Yeah, where I
Speaker 3: feel like and that's one of the things about like
Speaker 3: dating apps and stuff like that, you're looking at the
Speaker 3: surface of someone and making a snap judgment just on
Speaker 3: how they look, where you don't know anything about who
Speaker 3: they are as a human.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's kind of the least important thing, right.
Speaker 3: Anybody can like get some botox and fill their lips
Speaker 3: and you know, dye their hair blonde whatever and look
Speaker 3: like conventionally attractive, But have you put that much like
Speaker 3: investment into like who you are as a human.
Speaker 2: Right, and like you're morphin Like I think, Like I
Speaker 2: thought the other day, I was looking at pictures of
Speaker 2: me around my house and like, there are pictures of
Speaker 2: me from when I first came out or like, and
Speaker 2: I look so different. So it's just like, also, I'm
Speaker 2: not the same, Like I at Lindsay's thing yesterday, Like
Speaker 2: I was very mask sort of presenting in a suit. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and I think that felt good to me. It was
Speaker 2: hot as fucking hell, but it didn't good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm so bummed that I missed that, by the way,
Speaker 3: like shout out to Lindsay on her accomplishment, Like, I'm
Speaker 3: so bummed that I couldn't make it. I didn't think
Speaker 3: about the fact that I needed to pick up Breckon
Speaker 3: from camp right around that same time, so she didn't
Speaker 3: be on that side of Atlanta but they also like.
Speaker 2: Which I thought was really cool, like the military, like
Speaker 2: they do this ceremony for her, and then they present flowers,
Speaker 2: like a big bouquet of flowers to her girlfriend. Oh really,
Speaker 2: And it's like, so there is this like I don't
Speaker 2: know why I thought. I know, donas don't tell is gone,
Speaker 2: but I wouldn't think they were like that welcoming of
Speaker 2: this same sex scenario. I mean, I don't know what
Speaker 2: I thought. I guess I just thought it would be
Speaker 2: like just ignored.
Speaker 4: But no, I'm honestly surprised too that that was the case.
Speaker 1: Okay, in her lap, like.
Speaker 2: Wow, yeah, it was pretty peiful and like she's in uniform,
Speaker 2: which is so cool, Like we don't see.
Speaker 1: Her like that very oftit. Yeah, yeah, I know it
Speaker 1: was awesome.
Speaker 4: Send me pictures because I want to send you pictures again.
Speaker 4: I'm really bummed I wasn't able to make it.
Speaker 3: And it's funny because like our other friends text me
Speaker 3: like the day before and they're like, you haven't reached out,
Speaker 3: like telling us what you're gonna wear tomorrow, Like what's wrong? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, because that has.
Speaker 3: Been consulting with them lately. I'm missing out on a
Speaker 3: good outfit opportunity.
Speaker 1: You do love an outfit?
Speaker 4: Can I say?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I wish you were coming tonight. There's no getting
Speaker 1: a babysitter.
Speaker 3: No, and Brecon just got back, like okay, and i'd
Speaker 3: like right after this, which I actually need to be there,
Speaker 3: like right now. My daughter has her like city championship
Speaker 3: for swim team today, so we're gonna be out of
Speaker 3: the pool all day hot okay, but.
Speaker 2: All right, anything you want to say though about dating
Speaker 2: in general just before we wrap? No, no, okay, guys
Speaker 2: you heard it here.
Speaker 1: No, no, all right.
Speaker 2: Very well, enjoy swimming and I'll talk to you next week,
Speaker 2: all right, and I'll sell you went on the new
Speaker 2: business here in on Okay, I love it, bye bye back.
Speaker 4: I want to support the Lesbian Chronicles podcast.
Speaker 3: Rate us and write a review on Apple podcast or Spotify.
Speaker 1: We love listener feedback.
Speaker 2: If you'd like to share your story, email us Melissa
Speaker 2: and Ali at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's Melissa M. E. L I s A and Ali
Speaker 1: A L. L I at.
Speaker 2: Gmail dot com. Or follow us on Instagram at Lesbian
Speaker 2: Chronicles