WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:05.599 I'm Ali. 2 00:00:05.879 --> 00:00:08.320 I came out after twenty years of marriage and I 3 00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:09.359 have three kids. 4 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.359 I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came 5 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:14.960 out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage. 6 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.239 This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles 7 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:20.719 and victories that come with it. 8 00:00:21.160 --> 00:00:22.920 When coming out feels like the end of the world, 9 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:24.920 but it's really just the beginning. 10 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:32.119 This is the Lesbian Chronicles. 11 00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:38.240 Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles. 12 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:41.600 Five four four three one. 13 00:00:41.880 --> 00:00:48.159 It feels like for me, like impending doom. 14 00:00:50.200 --> 00:00:52.719 Get the same wave of anxiety when you see the countdown. 15 00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:54.759 I got the waves of anxiety. 16 00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:57.840 Have very little things for our listeners who don't understand 17 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:01.200 we're talking about before we record on this new riverside 18 00:01:01.240 --> 00:01:03.679 thing that we've been using lately, it counts us down 19 00:01:03.719 --> 00:01:07.439 from five and it is like, okay, nobody move. 20 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:12.079 It just feels just like also like your brain is 21 00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:13.239 like what am I going to say? 22 00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:14.319 What am I going to say? 23 00:01:14.640 --> 00:01:14.840 Right? 24 00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:17.719 I felt like, what's weird is that it should have 25 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:20.159 helped with that and instead it made it harder. 26 00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:23.120 Yeah, like I sort of like just being thrown into 27 00:01:23.120 --> 00:01:23.680 the deep end. 28 00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:25.959 I mean it's a little bit, but it's like counting 29 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:27.599 down before you jump into the deep end. 30 00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:28.480 True. 31 00:01:28.920 --> 00:01:31.280 Okay, let me tell you though, a little anxiety that 32 00:01:31.319 --> 00:01:34.959 I felt last night, since we're talking about five four. 33 00:01:35.879 --> 00:01:36.200 Okay. 34 00:01:36.280 --> 00:01:39.519 So I'm it's light outside, I'm working. 35 00:01:39.719 --> 00:01:42.760 I'm working late now almost all the time because I 36 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:44.799 just have a lot of balls in the air, a 37 00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:47.079 lot of things I have going with you, a lot 38 00:01:47.079 --> 00:01:48.680 of things that I'm going with you that you don't 39 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:50.000 even know about right now. 40 00:01:50.239 --> 00:01:52.920 Like remember the other day when you were like fill 41 00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:54.560 me in on like the latest on it. 42 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:56.599 Yeah, I continue to work on. 43 00:01:56.560 --> 00:01:57.959 It and having your updated you. 44 00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:04.280 So Melissa's in businesses, businesses, she knows nothing about, right, Yeah. 45 00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:04.680 Yeah. 46 00:02:04.719 --> 00:02:06.959 So anyway, I had that going and then I was 47 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:09.000 on a zoom with my sister, who you know, I'm 48 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:12.120 in business with, and it's like so I'm like head down, 49 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:15.840 I am like in work mode, stressed. 50 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:16.400 And like doing work stuff. 51 00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:19.800 And then all of a sudden, I get this call 52 00:02:19.919 --> 00:02:27.759 from somebody that I'm just hard crushing on and I 53 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:30.400 don't know how else to say it. So she is 54 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:34.240 like out having happy hour with her friends, and it's 55 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:37.319 basically like, hey, we're coming over, and so they've been 56 00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:41.319 drinking and I'm like sober working. My house is a mess, 57 00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:45.159 like so I literally in my anxiety, I yelled to Read. 58 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:46.719 I'm like, dude, I need you right now. 59 00:02:46.840 --> 00:02:50.319 Like he became like my wingman of like get this 60 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:53.080 house in order, you know what to do, like the 61 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:57.120 so nos, the stuff, the like, get us prepared for 62 00:02:57.159 --> 00:02:57.800 these people. 63 00:02:58.560 --> 00:03:01.319 And he was like my my teammate. 64 00:03:01.400 --> 00:03:04.479 He fucking sprung into action. Next thing, I know, like 65 00:03:04.520 --> 00:03:06.840 I got myself ready. I walked down into the kitchen 66 00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:11.479 and he'd done the whole thing, like hoary perfect, Reid. 67 00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:13.960 Is like so well trained on how to do this. 68 00:03:14.280 --> 00:03:16.319 I was actually just I took the kids to Trader 69 00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:18.400 Joe's the other day. They were very unwilling, they did 70 00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:20.199 not want to go. But in summer, so I'm like, 71 00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:23.919 we need to get out of the house sometimes and 72 00:03:24.360 --> 00:03:26.360 I'm like pointing to all this stuff to buy and 73 00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:27.840 then like there was something something. 74 00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:33.919 Caylen was like, oh, Reed made me that, and they yeah. 75 00:03:33.319 --> 00:03:36.560 And She's like yeah, made like five different things that 76 00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:39.400 day for us, like and she was like, there's no 77 00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:42.000 way I could have eaten all the food that Red made. 78 00:03:42.360 --> 00:03:44.520 And I was like, you know why, because he's a 79 00:03:44.560 --> 00:03:47.240 good host. He has been very well trained on what 80 00:03:47.400 --> 00:03:48.199 he was trained. 81 00:03:48.439 --> 00:03:49.400 Let me tell you something. 82 00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:51.960 I walked down and I'm like, dude, you just like 83 00:03:52.039 --> 00:03:53.759 brought so much peace to me. And I should say 84 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:55.879 like too, it's more than a crush, like it's it's 85 00:03:55.919 --> 00:03:58.719 a thing. So I'm and I've never met her friends. 86 00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:02.080 Oh so and I'm sober, they're not so. I mean, 87 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:05.360 there's so many factors in this thing. So he springs 88 00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:07.879 to action and then while they pull in and like 89 00:04:07.960 --> 00:04:11.199 he literally did all of the thing. Hey, it's so 90 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:13.719 good to meet you like he did with me, all 91 00:04:13.759 --> 00:04:18.399 of it, like he was like having you there and 92 00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:22.439 then it ended up being great. Yeah, anxiety on anxiety, 93 00:04:22.920 --> 00:04:24.800 it takes me like fifteen seconds and. 94 00:04:24.759 --> 00:04:29.639 Then I relax. Yeah, and I'm okay, but that one 95 00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:30.519 was like a thing. 96 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:33.480 And of course they're like, you know, no pressure, like 97 00:04:33.519 --> 00:04:35.720 if you if it's not a good time, and I'm. 98 00:04:35.519 --> 00:04:36.839 Like, no, it's a great time. 99 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:37.720 It's a great time. 100 00:04:37.720 --> 00:04:39.399 It's perfect, great time, it's. 101 00:04:39.240 --> 00:04:41.560 Perfect, house was perfect, come on in. 102 00:04:41.879 --> 00:04:44.160 Yeah, So so. 103 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:47.680 Many things create anxiety that you don't anticipate. 104 00:04:47.800 --> 00:04:50.199 I don't know, Like no, my son was just a 105 00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:53.680 camp for five days totally, and it's like sending him 106 00:04:53.680 --> 00:04:54.600 off to boot camp. 107 00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:56.759 You know, I know they don't let you talk to them. 108 00:04:57.120 --> 00:04:59.319 Great, I didn't talk to him for five days. 109 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.240 I show up there yesterday to pick him up from 110 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:07.480 like this high school parking lot, and his cabin leader 111 00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:09.879 is already there. He's like, yeah, broken out of fever yesterday, 112 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:12.319 didn't feel that great, but he's doing good now. 113 00:05:12.360 --> 00:05:14.040 I'm like, what, like I had no idea. 114 00:05:13.959 --> 00:05:15.240 Called Yeah, it didn't. 115 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:16.639 It's so bizarre. 116 00:05:17.079 --> 00:05:19.959 And then he's like for him getting off the bus 117 00:05:20.600 --> 00:05:22.639 and they make him line up. I have to like 118 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:25.199 go to the cabin leader first to like get him, 119 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:28.639 like he can't come running up and hug me. And 120 00:05:28.680 --> 00:05:31.279 then I'm sitting there, I'm like please, I'm like about 121 00:05:31.279 --> 00:05:32.120 to burst into tears. 122 00:05:32.199 --> 00:05:33.759 I can feel it like coming, and I'm like I 123 00:05:33.800 --> 00:05:38.759 cannot like be that dramatic crazy yeah, but also give 124 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:39.879 me my baby please. 125 00:05:40.040 --> 00:05:40.680 Yeah. 126 00:05:40.920 --> 00:05:42.079 So, but he did good. 127 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.240 I'm so impressed with him, Like he is not an 128 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:46.600 outdoorsy kid, does not like bugs all the things, but 129 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:47.160 he did it. 130 00:05:47.639 --> 00:05:49.920 He had fun. But then he was like, but I'm 131 00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:50.720 never doing it again. 132 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:54.240 Oh really? Yeah, Okay, that's interesting. 133 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:56.519 So I want to dig in on that like was 134 00:05:56.560 --> 00:05:59.120 it just like because I remember my parents always had 135 00:05:59.160 --> 00:06:01.439 us go to summer camp, and like I would remember 136 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:04.079 at night feeling extreme homesickness. 137 00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:08.319 Yeah, but the differences did feel a little homesick and. 138 00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:11.680 When he was also like, I want my bed, I 139 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:15.000 want a real shower, you know, like and again it 140 00:06:15.000 --> 00:06:15.800 was only five days. 141 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:17.360 And if some kids go to summer camp for like 142 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:18.600 the whole summer. 143 00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:19.959 Like readas two weeks. 144 00:06:20.279 --> 00:06:22.600 Yeah, that's a long time time. 145 00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:25.199 I think like when I was little too, like my 146 00:06:25.319 --> 00:06:28.560 parents left us a lot, Like they traveled a lot, 147 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:30.480 and like we would be my sister and I with 148 00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:33.560 our sitter, and so I sort of like as much 149 00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:35.399 as I missed my mom and dad, I don't I 150 00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:37.920 think I had it a little easier and that I 151 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:41.000 was used to being abandoned. 152 00:06:41.920 --> 00:06:45.639 But no, Allie, we need to dig deeper on this, right. 153 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:49.480 I'm I'm making connections here, right, I'm. 154 00:06:49.279 --> 00:06:51.160 Sure, just like my therapist does. 155 00:06:51.639 --> 00:06:55.279 The thing is, it's like I feel that abandonment wound 156 00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:58.560 even though my parents never they barely went anywhere, but 157 00:06:58.600 --> 00:07:01.319 my dad was away a lot, and I remember feeling 158 00:07:01.319 --> 00:07:03.680 that anxiety that I didn't know was anxiety at the time. 159 00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:06.399 Feeling that, like when it was about day three. 160 00:07:06.279 --> 00:07:07.920 That he'd been gone, I would start to have this 161 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:11.160 like pit in my stomach over I mean my dad back. Yeah, 162 00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:14.199 and it's like again one of those things where you 163 00:07:14.240 --> 00:07:17.680 can't compare her, Like even though my dad wasn't abandoning 164 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:21.160 my family by any means, he was working, it still 165 00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:24.120 created like that little bit of a wound in me, 166 00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:26.639 you know, And I'm sure that did with you too. 167 00:07:27.160 --> 00:07:30.040 I'm sure. I'm sure let's talk about it. 168 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:34.759 I know, let's unpack this right now. I guess too, 169 00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:39.199 Like I'm balancing that with also the example of I 170 00:07:39.199 --> 00:07:42.120 mean they would leave for maybe ten days, like it 171 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:44.560 wasn't like they were gone for like a summer. But 172 00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:47.439 I would say that, like, I balance that with the 173 00:07:47.439 --> 00:07:49.959 fact I think my abandonment comes more from the drinking 174 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:53.800 of my parent, my mom than it does that because 175 00:07:53.839 --> 00:07:57.560 I also feel like I'm very appreciative of the marriage 176 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:00.120 they have, like it is such such a gold and 177 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:02.480 of this is how this's a master class and how 178 00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:03.879 to love somebody. 179 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:04.360 The right way. 180 00:08:04.879 --> 00:08:07.399 Yeah, And I mean I was saying to someone the 181 00:08:07.480 --> 00:08:09.519 other day my dad when I was just in Florida, 182 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:11.360 I could hear my mom and dad in bed in 183 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:14.199 the morning when I was having my coffee, like laughing 184 00:08:14.519 --> 00:08:16.360 in their room. 185 00:08:15.680 --> 00:08:19.360 Like they are eighty Yeah. Like I could literally hear my. 186 00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:21.839 Mom like dying laughing at my dad. And I'm like, 187 00:08:21.920 --> 00:08:23.839 this is a masterclass in marriage. 188 00:08:24.399 --> 00:08:26.920 Yeah, I mean, I mean picks her every day. 189 00:08:27.319 --> 00:08:31.480 Yeah, that's a good point. Like my parents they're still married. 190 00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:32.559 My mom got. 191 00:08:32.440 --> 00:08:35.080 Bit by a cat the other day, which what sounds 192 00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:39.200 spit by my mom. This is not the first time, 193 00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:41.519 and this is one of her cats too. It's not 194 00:08:41.559 --> 00:08:44.639 like a stray cat, but it her hand swelled up 195 00:08:44.679 --> 00:08:49.039 like a balloon, like so swollen to where they took 196 00:08:49.159 --> 00:08:51.399 my dad took her to the hospital. She has actually 197 00:08:51.480 --> 00:08:53.519 admitted to the hospital for like the past two days. 198 00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:54.600 She's getting released today. 199 00:08:55.159 --> 00:08:59.120 But it was bad, like they had to through like ivy, antibiotics. 200 00:08:59.159 --> 00:09:02.039 They were talking about doing surgery, like all this stuff. 201 00:09:02.639 --> 00:09:06.960 And my dad's there, you know, without batting an eyelash. 202 00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:08.039 He's sitting there. 203 00:09:08.360 --> 00:09:10.240 He sat with her until she got admitted to a 204 00:09:10.360 --> 00:09:15.679 room like at you know, eight o'clock at night on Friday, 205 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:16.759 I think. 206 00:09:16.639 --> 00:09:20.320 It's Friday, Thursday. But he's not leaving her side. 207 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:24.759 He loves her and you know it, Like you're saying, 208 00:09:24.799 --> 00:09:28.480 it's like a masterclass and like you're choosing your person, Yeah, 209 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:30.720 and you're sticking by their side no matter what. 210 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.080 It's a masterclass on how to love somebody. 211 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:34.000 Yeah. 212 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:37.679 Yeah, I just so, I don't know, like in some ways, 213 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:40.879 if somebody said, what I trade my parents leaving for 214 00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:45.399 the fact that they treated their relationship like a it 215 00:09:45.480 --> 00:09:47.440 was something they worked up. Like my dad, if I 216 00:09:47.480 --> 00:09:50.039 asked them, now, do you regret all the time? I mean, 217 00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:52.679 he would say he it was very important that he 218 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:55.399 put all that time in with my mom, like going 219 00:09:55.440 --> 00:09:58.480 places and having adventures together without us. 220 00:09:58.720 --> 00:09:59.399 Yeah. 221 00:09:59.480 --> 00:10:03.639 I do think that that's important really, Like, and it's 222 00:10:03.639 --> 00:10:06.480 okay for like your kids to miss you, you know, 223 00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:08.840 and your kids to know. I think there there's a 224 00:10:08.919 --> 00:10:12.000 level of appreciation that was built with my relationship with 225 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:13.960 my dad of like knowing what it's like when he 226 00:10:14.039 --> 00:10:16.480 wasn't around and being like, oh he's back. 227 00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:18.039 Yeah, there was a void there. 228 00:10:18.279 --> 00:10:22.519 Yeah, And I think as long as like the parent 229 00:10:22.720 --> 00:10:26.720 is kind of being emotionally present in the meantime too, 230 00:10:27.519 --> 00:10:31.399 you know, like whenever I typically when I'm not with 231 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:34.240 my kids, I'm calling them almost every day at least 232 00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:34.720 checking in. 233 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:37.320 I know, like I kind of backed off on like 234 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:38.320 making them talk to. 235 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:40.080 Me every day because it's like you can tell they 236 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:43.000 don't really care that much, but it is like what 237 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:45.039 you're doing in the meantime when you're apart, you know, 238 00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:47.679 and I think that time that your parents are spending, 239 00:10:47.759 --> 00:10:49.960 we're spending together. That's like part of the reason why 240 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:53.879 they're so great today. Yeah, like to have that break. 241 00:10:54.600 --> 00:10:58.279 Yeah, they're gonna, I mean they're yeah, it's like they're enjoying. 242 00:10:58.360 --> 00:11:01.759 They're in their you know, golden years with their best friend. 243 00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:06.200 So it's like there they run errands together. They like 244 00:11:06.399 --> 00:11:10.240 they just choose to be together in such a sweet way. 245 00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:10.600 Really. 246 00:11:11.480 --> 00:11:15.320 Yeah, anyway, let me tell you another quick funny thing 247 00:11:15.399 --> 00:11:22.240 that came across this morning. My desk was your DJ party. 248 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:25.360 You were playing a song and one of our friends 249 00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:28.480 I'm not going to reveal who, but a very sex 250 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:33.440 tape ish video has surfaced that I am so excited 251 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:39.000 about unveiling Lake Weekend. Wait what it must be your 252 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:41.279 DJ skills may just love in the air. 253 00:11:42.080 --> 00:11:42.840 Oh my god. 254 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:46.360 So it's just hilarious, Like it's so funny. I hadn't 255 00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:51.159 seen it and then it like surfaced and I'm like, wave, what. 256 00:11:53.120 --> 00:11:54.559 Anyway you're going to enjoy it? 257 00:11:54.600 --> 00:11:57.240 I saw a few little romantic connections happening on the 258 00:11:57.320 --> 00:11:59.120 dance floor when I was djaying that night. 259 00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:01.519 Yes you're the d You're the love connection DJ. 260 00:12:02.080 --> 00:12:03.000 What can I say? 261 00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:03.480 You know? 262 00:12:03.799 --> 00:12:05.600 I had a blast though. That was so much fun. 263 00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:09.799 It went by so quickly too, like Okay, it was 264 00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:12.240 like eleven thirty and I was like, I haven't sat down. 265 00:12:12.240 --> 00:12:14.279 I'm gone to the bathroom the whole time, like and 266 00:12:14.320 --> 00:12:16.000 I didn't realize it. 267 00:12:16.120 --> 00:12:18.480 So wow, So you'll you want to do it again? 268 00:12:19.000 --> 00:12:22.080 I would do Yeah. Yeah. I keep joking about it 269 00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:23.960 because I'm like I don't feel like I'm not. 270 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:27.480 Like, you know, Phoebe gets up there and she's like like, 271 00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:31.039 it's like amazing how well she mixes everything. 272 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:32.519 She's got all these effects. 273 00:12:32.679 --> 00:12:36.000 Starting out and then you got to start somewhere. The 274 00:12:36.120 --> 00:12:39.639 music was great, thank you? Yeah, it was really really good. 275 00:12:40.360 --> 00:12:42.480 All right, Well let's get after our topic today. 276 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:46.799 Yeah, let's play a little something and then I want 277 00:12:46.840 --> 00:12:48.840 to talk about it because I have heard this before 278 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:50.919 and I always try to remember what he said because 279 00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:53.320 this has like resonated with me for a long time, 280 00:12:53.879 --> 00:12:56.360 but it came across again today, so I saved it 281 00:12:56.440 --> 00:12:59.279 and sent it to you, and I think it's I 282 00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:03.120 think it's a thousand percent true. Okay, I think I 283 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:06.200 was trying to describe this to you once when you 284 00:13:06.200 --> 00:13:07.960 were at a long distance relationship. 285 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:09.840 Okay, yeah, but here we go. 286 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:12.600 I think great relationships are based on one it called 287 00:13:12.600 --> 00:13:16.399 three plus one, which is you have to have intellectual compatibility, 288 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:18.679 which is you teach and learn. You have to have 289 00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:21.919 emotional compatibility where you're showing up to grow together, right, 290 00:13:21.960 --> 00:13:24.000 you can find vulnerability in the whole space for each other. 291 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:27.600 You have to have sexual compatibility, which is not physical attraction. 292 00:13:27.759 --> 00:13:30.000 It's sexual attraction. And you can have a good relationship 293 00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:31.960 with one and a half or two of those, but 294 00:13:32.039 --> 00:13:34.240 you kind of have a great relationship with that three, yes, 295 00:13:34.279 --> 00:13:37.320 because they're not all on high at the same time. 296 00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:39.480 They sort of they go up and down and they 297 00:13:40.200 --> 00:13:41.840 wax away, and so you need the others to hold 298 00:13:41.879 --> 00:13:43.960 each other, to hold the others up when one is down. 299 00:13:43.960 --> 00:13:49.720 And the plus one is circumstances like timing, ting, vacation, 300 00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:54.559 like when I've met people who are threes and they're 301 00:13:54.559 --> 00:13:55.799 married and their kids and they're. 302 00:13:55.600 --> 00:13:57.960 Happily married, and we look each other and go at a. 303 00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:00.799 Different time it might have worked but definitely not now, 304 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:02.080 and we just smile and we go on. 305 00:14:02.840 --> 00:14:04.240 Or I've met somebody who lives on the other. 306 00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:07.200 Side of the world and I'm not moving, they're not moving, 307 00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:09.799 and you struggle, you go, ah, circumstances very different. 308 00:14:10.919 --> 00:14:13.480 I agree with that like wholeheartedly. 309 00:14:15.080 --> 00:14:18.159 And I think we both could describe people we know 310 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:21.039 or even relationships we've had that have had like one 311 00:14:21.120 --> 00:14:26.080 or two really well. But to have all three is 312 00:14:26.200 --> 00:14:30.320 like it's game changing. And you know when you do, 313 00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:34.360 like I think it's it's so it's so rare, and 314 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:37.120 sometimes when you get into a relationship it might look 315 00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:42.000 like that it's all three and it isn't. Or you know, 316 00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:44.159 it could be too that like one of those things 317 00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:48.639 is more important to you than another one of those things. 318 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:51.720 Like I've had people tell me that this the third 319 00:14:51.799 --> 00:14:56.840 physical attraction, is less important to them than say, the 320 00:14:56.919 --> 00:15:00.399 intellectual attraction. And again he's not talking about how somebody looks. 321 00:15:00.440 --> 00:15:03.279 He's talking about like chemically how you want to be 322 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:07.720 with them. So I think that it's it's also like 323 00:15:07.799 --> 00:15:11.000 you might value your hierarchy might look different than my 324 00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.159 hierarchy of what's really important. 325 00:15:13.679 --> 00:15:15.679 Yeah, you do have to have all three to have 326 00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:18.799 it be great. 327 00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:25.600 All three plus plus circumstances be the biggest one, because 328 00:15:25.639 --> 00:15:28.639 I do I think, you know, I think a lot 329 00:15:28.679 --> 00:15:32.840 about when we had the Lesbian Matchmaker on Sophia a 330 00:15:32.919 --> 00:15:35.080 couple of months ago, and she was saying, you know, 331 00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:37.960 if you really do want to kind of broaden your 332 00:15:38.039 --> 00:15:40.559 horizons and dating, like, you need to be open to 333 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:42.240 long distance relationships. 334 00:15:42.320 --> 00:15:44.320 Yep, And I agree with that. 335 00:15:46.039 --> 00:15:49.960 But there's a lot of factors that go into the circumstances. 336 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:54.799 You know, is the long distance getting on a getting 337 00:15:54.840 --> 00:15:57.440 in your car and driving. Is it getting on an 338 00:15:57.480 --> 00:15:59.879 airplane and taking one flight? Is it getting on an 339 00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:02.519 air plan flying around the world. There's people that do 340 00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:06.399 all of those things and do it for years, you know, 341 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:10.320 and I think it it works for some people, it 342 00:16:10.360 --> 00:16:13.279 doesn't work for others, right you, And is that piece 343 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:13.600 of it? 344 00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:14.279 Yeah? 345 00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:16.559 To you, you know, I think that's the question. 346 00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:22.480 Right And to you specifically, it's like and I think 347 00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:25.519 that's where things get kind of like tough. Like when 348 00:16:25.559 --> 00:16:27.720 I was in that long distance relationship, I had people 349 00:16:27.720 --> 00:16:29.399 being like, ah, that's not that. 350 00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:29.960 That's fine. 351 00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:33.440 You know I could do that, and I'm like, okay, 352 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:36.519 I could do it, but I also wanted it to 353 00:16:36.600 --> 00:16:41.519 have an end game. Yeah, you know, I couldn't do 354 00:16:41.559 --> 00:16:46.320 it forever, right, And that's me. That's not what everyone 355 00:16:46.360 --> 00:16:49.320 else feels or sees. And then I know a lot 356 00:16:49.320 --> 00:16:52.480 of people that have done long distance for years and 357 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:55.120 not had a plan, just kind of like this is 358 00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:56.600 where we're at right now, and. 359 00:16:56.519 --> 00:16:58.360 This is how it is. But I find that a 360 00:16:58.399 --> 00:16:59.080 lot of people. 361 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:01.159 Say that when it's like a drive distant situation. I 362 00:17:01.240 --> 00:17:03.919 think it is thinking very different to be able to 363 00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:06.279 get in your car car. It's a control more of 364 00:17:06.279 --> 00:17:10.039 a controlled situation, right versus flights in the cost of 365 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:11.559 flights and all those things. 366 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:14.480 I think too, Like if you're willing, like I don't 367 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:17.039 want to drive, I don't want to drive more than 368 00:17:17.279 --> 00:17:18.000 about two. 369 00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:21.079 And a half to three miles, Like that is my reality. 370 00:17:21.279 --> 00:17:22.519 Like Al's like. 371 00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:25.400 Ally, I if somebody told me every weekend I'm driving 372 00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:28.480 two and a half hours, no would I sure? 373 00:17:29.119 --> 00:17:30.400 But I don't want to. 374 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:33.920 So it's like I would feel like that would become 375 00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:36.200 a drag for someone like me. I don't even want 376 00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:37.079 to go to East Atlanta. 377 00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:41.000 It's too far. And I literally, basically. 378 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:44.880 Due to your location being pretty central in Atlanta, in 379 00:17:44.920 --> 00:17:50.480 a huge city, your options are higher, you have things 380 00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:53.200 to choose from. But someone who lives in the middle 381 00:17:53.240 --> 00:17:55.839 of nowhere, you know, in Iola or whatever. 382 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:57.000 They're going to have to get in the car. 383 00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:00.799 There was a there's a friend a couple friends of ours, 384 00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:05.440 a couple friend I'm not going to say their name, 385 00:18:05.480 --> 00:18:08.279 but they met living in the Midwest. They lived in 386 00:18:08.359 --> 00:18:13.319 like Nebraska, separate states if I remember, and they were 387 00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:15.839 having to drive pretty far to see each other initially. 388 00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:19.119 Now they live together that they've got a beautiful life together, but. 389 00:18:19.000 --> 00:18:20.680 They're times a decade. 390 00:18:20.759 --> 00:18:27.039 Initially meeting, they had to have like this broad location 391 00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:29.640 range of what their dating pool was. 392 00:18:30.720 --> 00:18:36.519 Yesterday, at Lindsay's ceremony, which was amazing, I met we 393 00:18:36.599 --> 00:18:40.440 have a friend who had a long distance relationship happening 394 00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:43.279 for a long time and that woman and they were far, 395 00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:47.440 I mean big distance, and she just moved to Atlanta. 396 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:52.119 Like now they're together in Atlanta within like the past 397 00:18:52.519 --> 00:18:56.359 three to five months probably, And I said to them, like, 398 00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:59.759 I'm so curious about that. I'm curious about they didn't 399 00:18:59.799 --> 00:19:03.319 move been right together. They're living in two separate places initially, 400 00:19:03.960 --> 00:19:06.920 and I'm so curious about, like what are the growing 401 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:11.599