WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:02.720 Hello, guys. What you were about to see or listen 2 00:00:02.759 --> 00:00:07.120 to was recorded exclusively for our Patreon community. This was 3 00:00:07.160 --> 00:00:09.759 content that was requested by some of our patrons. We 4 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:11.359 put it together, we read it at the end of 5 00:00:11.400 --> 00:00:13.800 an episode that we had done, and this was never 6 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:15.720 going to get released to the public. However, we got 7 00:00:15.759 --> 00:00:17.600 a couple of different emails from people who are in 8 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:20.920 our Patreon who said things like, my husband listened to 9 00:00:21.000 --> 00:00:23.320 the last end of that episode as I was listening 10 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:25.920 to it and it fully had him engaged. And you know, 11 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:27.960 a couple other people were asking for us to actually 12 00:00:27.960 --> 00:00:30.480 release this to the public. So if you enjoy this 13 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:32.840 type of content, I highly recommend that you go check 14 00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:35.880 out our patreon, Patreon dot com, forward slash to be better. 15 00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:41.240 There's lots of content like this, mental health, borderline personality, parenting, 16 00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:45.119 you know, relationships, fun stuff. We do, reaction videos. There's 17 00:00:45.119 --> 00:00:48.159 a whole lot of exclusive content that never gets released 18 00:00:48.200 --> 00:00:51.359 anywhere else other than Patreon. Highly recommend that you check 19 00:00:51.399 --> 00:00:53.880 that out. With that being said, I'm going to apologize 20 00:00:53.880 --> 00:00:56.119 about the video quality of this because we had no 21 00:00:56.240 --> 00:00:59.079 intention of ever putting this out to the public. It's 22 00:00:59.119 --> 00:01:01.640 shit quality. Had to download it off the live stream 23 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:05.519 from YouTube in order to even have video, because we 24 00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:08.000 weren't planning on releasing this, so Lesson learned to me, 25 00:01:08.040 --> 00:01:10.159 I'm going to record everything moving forward just in case 26 00:01:10.200 --> 00:01:14.159 it's requested, and without further ado, Please enjoy this episode 27 00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:17.200 about the control dramas and have a great day. All right, 28 00:01:17.239 --> 00:01:19.920 So I'm gonna touch on the nervous system for those 29 00:01:19.959 --> 00:01:21.640 of you who are unfamiliar with what we're about to 30 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:24.000 get into. This is the control dramas. Four of them 31 00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:27.680 are the control dramas from The Celestine Prophecy. The Celstine 32 00:01:27.719 --> 00:01:30.400 Prophecy is a fictional book written by James Redfield about 33 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:33.719 documents that are found in Peru that starts to elevate 34 00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:36.560 people from the life that they're currently living into the 35 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:40.400 next evolution of life. It talks about energy exchanges, it 36 00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:42.920 talks about our food, It talks about synchronicity. It is 37 00:01:42.959 --> 00:01:44.879 a fiction book. It is really good. It's a lot 38 00:01:44.920 --> 00:01:48.560 of fun. But the control dramas them Stelves themselves stem 39 00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:52.079 from YOUNGI and psychology. They're just put in with a 40 00:01:52.120 --> 00:01:55.719 twist to make it more relatable to people. So before 41 00:01:55.760 --> 00:01:57.280 I get into this, I do want to talk about 42 00:01:57.280 --> 00:02:00.439 the nervous system first. The nervous system does most of 43 00:02:00.439 --> 00:02:03.239 its foundational wiring in the first seven years of your life. 44 00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:06.280 Within that window, the first three years carry the heaviest weight. 45 00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:09.680 That's not an estimate, it's backed by decades of attachment 46 00:02:09.800 --> 00:02:15.280 research in neuroscience. A child's brain triples in size in 47 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:17.400 the first two years of its life, and the wiring 48 00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:20.960 that happens during that stretch becomes the default operating system 49 00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:25.120 for stress responses, emotional regulation, and what a person believes 50 00:02:25.159 --> 00:02:27.719 about safety and connection for the rest of their life. 51 00:02:29.080 --> 00:02:31.520 When you guys, think about that, the first two years, 52 00:02:31.520 --> 00:02:35.520 we are unconscious of everything that goes on. When you 53 00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:37.759 think about your life, you don't remember what it is 54 00:02:37.800 --> 00:02:41.000 to be under five years old. We might have a memory, 55 00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:43.680 but it's a fraction of a memory. It's not a 56 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:48.680 complete experience. And that's just all there is to that. 57 00:02:48.800 --> 00:02:52.960 And to think about our life being that controlled by 58 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:56.039 an adult who thinks they're not going to remember this anyways, 59 00:02:56.120 --> 00:02:58.479 all of your emotional outbursts, all of the fucked up 60 00:02:58.479 --> 00:03:02.199 things that happen, like you're really fucking up a child 61 00:03:02.199 --> 00:03:03.800 in the first two years of their life because you 62 00:03:03.840 --> 00:03:10.080 can't emotionally regulate. Right birth to eighteen months is where 63 00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:12.599 the foundation gets laid for whether the world feels safe 64 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:16.680 or unpredictable. This is the attachment window in its truest sense. 65 00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:19.120 A baby who gets picked up when they cry, soothes 66 00:03:19.159 --> 00:03:22.919 when they're distressed, and responded to with consistency builds a 67 00:03:22.919 --> 00:03:26.240 nervous system that expects the world to be reliable. A 68 00:03:26.280 --> 00:03:31.039 baby who gets inconsistent response, is sometimes soothed, sometimes ignored, 69 00:03:31.080 --> 00:03:34.479 sometimes met with frustration, builds a nervous system that stays 70 00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:38.520 on alert, always scanning for whether help is coming. And 71 00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:41.120 this is where the roots of anxious attachment or avoidant 72 00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:43.800 attachment actually take hold, long before the kid has had 73 00:03:43.879 --> 00:03:46.960 a single conscious memory. This is within the first eighteen 74 00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:51.080 months of life. Guys, eighteen months to three years is 75 00:03:51.080 --> 00:03:54.400 where a child starts learning about their own autonomy, how 76 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:56.800 the world responds to their emerging self. This is the 77 00:03:56.840 --> 00:03:59.960 stage where tantrums begin happening, where a kid says no 78 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:03.520 for the first time and actually means it. Where they're 79 00:04:03.560 --> 00:04:06.199 testing whether they're allowed to have their own will and 80 00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:10.599 how a parent responds. Here, whether with patients or the intimidator, 81 00:04:10.639 --> 00:04:14.680 control drama shapes whether the kid grows up believing their 82 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:19.040 own needs are boundaries, believes that their own needs and 83 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:24.079 boundaries are valid or dangerous to express. Three to seven 84 00:04:24.279 --> 00:04:26.800 is where the control dramas we will be talking about 85 00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:30.160 really start imprinting hard, because this is when a kid's 86 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:33.879 brain shifts into heavy pattern recognition mode. They're not just 87 00:04:33.959 --> 00:04:36.759 reacting anymore. They're building a working model of how a 88 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:40.800 relationship functions based on what they watch every day. This 89 00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:43.759 is the age range where a kid concludes love equals 90 00:04:43.759 --> 00:04:48.000 walking on eggshells or love equals earning approval whether it 91 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:52.759 means managing someone else's emotions or whether it means managing 92 00:04:52.800 --> 00:04:58.439 someone else's emotions, these conclusions get stored below conscious Those 93 00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:01.920 conclusions get stored below conscious thought and then run on 94 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:05.600 autopilot for the next several decades unless someone deliberately goes 95 00:05:05.639 --> 00:05:09.480 back and re examines them. After seven, the nervous system 96 00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:13.279 doesn't stop developing, but it becomes much more like much 97 00:05:13.360 --> 00:05:16.519 less like wet clay, and much more like clay that 98 00:05:16.560 --> 00:05:19.959 has already been fired. The brain starts pruning connections that 99 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:23.680 it does does not use, and starts reinforcing the ones 100 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:27.000 that it does. So whatever patterns got the most repetition 101 00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:29.920 in those first seven years becomes the new neural pathways 102 00:05:29.959 --> 00:05:33.519 of least resistance. That's not a life sentence, that's the brain. 103 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:39.199 That's the brain's plasticity and change is absolutely possible. But 104 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:42.360 it also explains why habits and reactions rooted in early 105 00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:45.560 childhood feels so automatic and why they take real, sustained 106 00:05:45.560 --> 00:05:51.680 work to retire rewire in adulthood. And what this means 107 00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:54.759 for the parent is that the small, repeated moments in 108 00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:57.360 those first seven years carry far more weight than any 109 00:05:57.399 --> 00:06:00.600 single big talk or grand gesture later on. It's not 110 00:06:00.839 --> 00:06:04.040 one blow up that does the damage. It's a thousand 111 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:06.920 small interactions that quietly taught a kid what to expect 112 00:06:06.920 --> 00:06:09.920 from people who are supposed to be safe. Do you 113 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:11.360 have anything that you want to add about the the 114 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:15.000 nervous system, all right, So the first one is the intimidator. 115 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:19.639 The intimidator parent runs on one currency, and that is 116 00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:23.800 control through fear. It's the raised voices before reasoning even starts. 117 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:26.519 It's the silence that feels louder than yelling because everyone 118 00:06:26.600 --> 00:06:28.680 in the house knows what's coming next. It's the look 119 00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:31.399 across the dinner table that shuts a kid up faster 120 00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:35.040 than any lecture ever would, and it works. That's the 121 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:37.439 whole problem. It works so well and so fast that 122 00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:40.480 the parent never has a reason to question their behavior. 123 00:06:41.439 --> 00:06:43.439 Think about what this is actually happening in the house. 124 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:45.720 A five year old spills milk. The parent doesn't see 125 00:06:45.720 --> 00:06:48.000 a mistake. They see a threat to their control, or 126 00:06:48.120 --> 00:06:51.120 see a child that should have known better, So the escalate. 127 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:55.439 They escalate. The kid freezes, apologizes, probably cries, cleans it 128 00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:58.639 up in record time. From the outside, it looks like discipline. 129 00:06:58.680 --> 00:07:01.000 From the inside, for that kid, it's a five second 130 00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:04.360 event that gets stored for decades. The nervous system doesn't 131 00:07:04.399 --> 00:07:07.519 file that under spilled milk. It files it under unpredictable 132 00:07:07.600 --> 00:07:11.000 danger lives in this house, And once that filing system 133 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:13.519 gets built, it runs quietly in the background for the 134 00:07:13.560 --> 00:07:16.360 rest of that's person's life, long before they've moved out 135 00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:20.319 and long after the parent has softened or died. The 136 00:07:20.360 --> 00:07:23.680 intimidator parent usually isn't a monster. Most of the time. 137 00:07:23.680 --> 00:07:27.040 They're exhausted, overwhelmed, and running the only playbook that they 138 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:29.399 were ever handed Somewhere in the back of their childhood 139 00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:32.480 someone bigger than them controlled the room through force, and 140 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:35.680 it worked on them too. So when their kid pushes back, 141 00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:39.279 mouths off, or just moves too slow getting ready for school, 142 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:42.279 the old wiring fires before the adult brain even gets 143 00:07:42.319 --> 00:07:47.160 to say. It's reactive, not calculated. Not calculated. That doesn't 144 00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:50.040 excuse the damage, but it explains why so many people 145 00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:52.360 who swore they would never become their father or mother 146 00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:57.600 catch themselves mid sentence sounding exactly like them. Intimidation might 147 00:07:57.759 --> 00:08:00.720 get compliance, but it kills closeness. You can have a 148 00:08:00.759 --> 00:08:02.800 house where the kid never talks back and the parent 149 00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:06.560 still feels completely alone because what they built wasn't respect. 150 00:08:06.600 --> 00:08:09.839 It was distanced through obedience. A lot of the parents 151 00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:13.199 get to their fifties and sixties wondering why adult kids 152 00:08:13.240 --> 00:08:16.480 now only call on holidays or went no contact, why 153 00:08:16.519 --> 00:08:18.920 nobody wants to bring the grandkids over as much as 154 00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:21.439 they had hoped, and why there is a wall there 155 00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:23.879 that they can't quite name. The wall is the fear 156 00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:26.600 that they instilled thirty years ago and never went away. 157 00:08:27.319 --> 00:08:30.560 It's just there for the kid. The fallout usually goes 158 00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:33.559 one of two directions. Some kids absorb the pattern and 159 00:08:33.600 --> 00:08:37.519 become intimidators theirselves because on some level, forced look like power, 160 00:08:37.799 --> 00:08:40.639 and power look like safety. They grow up believing that 161 00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:43.000 the only way to get respect is by making other 162 00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:47.039 people afraid of you at work and relationships, even with 163 00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:50.519 their own future kids. Other kids go the opposite way entirely. 164 00:08:50.679 --> 00:08:53.960 They become the peace keeper, the people pleaser, the one 165 00:08:53.960 --> 00:08:56.799 who reads the room for tension before they've even said hello. 166 00:08:57.240 --> 00:09:00.600 They'll avoid conflict at almost any cost, because conflict, as 167 00:09:00.600 --> 00:09:04.639 a kid means danger, not disagreement. Neither path is a 168 00:09:04.679 --> 00:09:07.960 personality flaw. It's an adaptation. It made sense to them 169 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:11.679 at the time. It just stops being useful the moment 170 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.120 that the person tries to build an adult relationship where 171 00:09:15.200 --> 00:09:19.399 honesty and vulnerability actually matter. So if you're the parent 172 00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:21.399 and something in your chest tightened a little bit, the 173 00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:23.519 reaction is worth sitting with here. As we always say, 174 00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:27.559 if you're feeling triggered, you should ask yourself why you 175 00:09:27.639 --> 00:09:29.639 are bound to lose your temper again. Saying that you 176 00:09:29.639 --> 00:09:32.440 want is not realistic, and promising that it will probably 177 00:09:33.159 --> 00:09:36.799 make you feel and promising it will probably make you 178 00:09:36.799 --> 00:09:39.480 feel worse the next time you slip up. The actual 179 00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:42.080 work is catching it in the moment before the explosion 180 00:09:42.399 --> 00:09:45.559 and asking yourself what you're really afraid of. Most of 181 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:47.759 the time, it's not the spilled milk. It's the fear 182 00:09:47.759 --> 00:09:51.159 of losing control, of being disrespected, of somehow failing as 183 00:09:51.159 --> 00:09:53.759 a parent. If your kid doesn't fall in line immediately, 184 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:56.600 that fear is yours, not theirs, and it deserves to 185 00:09:56.679 --> 00:09:59.639 get examined instead of dumped onto a seven year old. 186 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:02.440 If you're the adult who grew up with this, the 187 00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:05.200 work looks different. It's noticing when you shrink in a 188 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:08.000 conversation with someone who raises their voice, even if it's 189 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:11.120 a stranger or someone with zero actual power over you. 190 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:14.879 It's noticing if you either avoid all conflict or swing 191 00:10:15.039 --> 00:10:18.440 hard the other way to become the intimidating one yourself 192 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:21.960 the second that you feel threatened. Neither reaction is who 193 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.759 you are. It's who you've learned to be, and the 194 00:10:24.759 --> 00:10:27.399 nervous system can be retrained, but only once you can 195 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:29.919 actually see the pattern clearly enough to stop making the 196 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:34.000 mistake and stop making stop mistaking it for your identity. 197 00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:38.120 Do you have anything on the intimidator? Okay, the next 198 00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:41.960 one is the interrogator. The interrogator doesn't raise their voice. 199 00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:45.559 That's what makes this one sneaky. I have seen grown 200 00:10:45.600 --> 00:10:48.240 men who had zero physical fear of their father growing 201 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:51.159 up and still flinch every time someone asks why did 202 00:10:51.159 --> 00:10:53.600 you do that? In a certain tone. That's their tell. 203 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:57.879 This drama runs on questions, not fists. So picture this. 204 00:10:58.039 --> 00:11:00.919 A kid comes home fifteen minutes late. The intimidator parent 205 00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:04.320 would yell. The interrogator parent doesn't yell. Instead, they ask 206 00:11:04.440 --> 00:11:06.399 where were you, who were you with, why didn't you call? 207 00:11:06.440 --> 00:11:09.159 What were you thinking? And each question on its own 208 00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:13.000 is reasonable. Stack together, it's an interrogation room with a 209 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:15.399 bright ass light in a kid's face. The kid isn't 210 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:17.759 being asked to explain what happened. They're being asked to 211 00:11:17.799 --> 00:11:21.879 defend themselves against an outcome that the parent has already decided. 212 00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:24.840 People have said, I felt guilty before I even said 213 00:11:24.840 --> 00:11:28.600 a word. That's the interrogator working to a tee. The 214 00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:32.840 interrogator parent also almost always believes that they're just being 215 00:11:32.919 --> 00:11:36.960 thorough careful. A good parent ask questions right, So this 216 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:39.639 one hides in plain sight, behind the mask of concern. 217 00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:42.759 I've watched adult children defend their parents' behaviors. She just 218 00:11:42.799 --> 00:11:45.200 wanted to know I was safe, and then in the 219 00:11:45.200 --> 00:11:47.559 same breath described feeling that they were on trial every 220 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:50.919 single day of their childhood. Both things are true. Was 221 00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:53.759 what makes this one harder to name than intimidation. There's 222 00:11:53.840 --> 00:11:56.279 no obvious villain in the moment to point to. The 223 00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:00.919 nervous system is destroyed a thousand small cross examinations at 224 00:12:00.919 --> 00:12:04.200 a time. What I've noticed is that kids raised under 225 00:12:04.200 --> 00:12:08.840 the interrogator develop a running internal monologue that never shuts off. 226 00:12:08.879 --> 00:12:11.360 They start narrating their own choices before they make them, 227 00:12:11.399 --> 00:12:14.360 building a defense and advance for a trial that hasn't 228 00:12:14.399 --> 00:12:17.600 even happened yet. If you've ever written an email over 229 00:12:17.639 --> 00:12:21.159 explaining anything to your boss or to a lover like 230 00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:23.759 you are preparing for trial, that's not a personality quirk. 231 00:12:23.799 --> 00:12:26.120 That is a kid still bracing for the dinner table 232 00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:29.720 thirty years later in a different building. The parent doesn't 233 00:12:29.759 --> 00:12:32.440 come out of this unscathed either, even though it looks 234 00:12:32.440 --> 00:12:35.039 like they're the one in control. What you see over 235 00:12:35.080 --> 00:12:37.840 and over again is a parent who genuinely can't relax 236 00:12:37.879 --> 00:12:41.080 around their own kid. Every conversation becomes an audit, and 237 00:12:41.159 --> 00:12:44.120 audits don't build closeness, they build distance with a really 238 00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:48.000 good documentation. These parents often end up shocked later in 239 00:12:48.039 --> 00:12:50.399 life that their kid doesn't call to talk only cause 240 00:12:50.440 --> 00:12:53.320 when there's a problem to report, and that's the relationship 241 00:12:53.320 --> 00:12:55.600 they built. If every phone call growing up was a 242 00:12:55.679 --> 00:12:58.559 deep brief, why would the adult kid call for anything else? 243 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:03.279 Almost every interrogator parent was raised by someone who used 244 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:05.720 doubt as control themselves, or grew up in a household 245 00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:08.879 where mistakes were treated as character flaws instead of just mistakes. 246 00:13:09.399 --> 00:13:12.039 So the question isn't really about the kid's behavior. It's 247 00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:16.080 the parent's own, unprocessed fear of things going wrong, aimed 248 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:19.279 outward and dressed as diligence. I don't think that it's 249 00:13:19.279 --> 00:13:22.320 an excuse. I think that that's just an honest starting 250 00:13:22.360 --> 00:13:25.080 point if you actually want to change it. If you're 251 00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:28.519 this type of parent, there's a real difference between curiosity 252 00:13:28.519 --> 00:13:31.799 and cross examination. Your kid can feel which one they're getting, 253 00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:34.720 even if they can't name it. What happened is curiosity? 254 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:37.320 Why would you do that? It's a verdict wearing a 255 00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:40.799 question mark. The words can be almost identical. The tone 256 00:13:40.840 --> 00:13:43.799 and the intent behind them are not. And I'm going 257 00:13:43.879 --> 00:13:46.879 to read this again because what happened. If your kid 258 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:48.679 is crying and you walk in and you go, what happened? 259 00:13:48.720 --> 00:13:51.919 Oh my god, what happened? You're concerned. If you walk 260 00:13:51.960 --> 00:13:53.720 in and you see that somebody fell and the TV 261 00:13:53.799 --> 00:13:56.080 broke and you go, why did you do that? That's 262 00:13:56.080 --> 00:13:59.559 a very different fucking nervous system response to a child 263 00:13:59.799 --> 00:14:04.159 already freaking out because something just happened. And again, you 264 00:14:04.240 --> 00:14:06.360 have to remember that a lot of the things that 265 00:14:06.440 --> 00:14:09.240 happen with children under seven years old is subconscious. Their 266 00:14:09.879 --> 00:14:14.320 young brain can't understand and process in real time what's happening. 267 00:14:15.159 --> 00:14:16.759 You guys have to be aware of these things. This 268 00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:21.080 is how you fuck your kids up long term. So 269 00:14:21.320 --> 00:14:23.360 if you grew up with this, the work is noticing 270 00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:26.519 where you still perform for approval that isn't even in 271 00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:29.960 the room anymore. Over, explaining a decision that nobody asked 272 00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:32.879 you to defend, feeling guilty before you've done anything wrong, 273 00:14:32.919 --> 00:14:36.039 picking a partner who questions you the exact same way, 274 00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:40.120 because on some messed up level, familiar feels like love 275 00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:43.519 even when it isn't. You will recognize this pattern, and 276 00:14:43.559 --> 00:14:45.919 that's when you can start working on it. Anything on 277 00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:49.600 that one nope, all right. The aloof the aloof parent 278 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:52.039 is the one that is the hardest, the spot no yelling, 279 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:55.879 no interrogation, no obvious moment where something bad happened, just absence. 280 00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:59.039 You can describe your childhood home as quiet in a 281 00:14:59.080 --> 00:15:02.600 way that felt like this might be your situation. So 282 00:15:02.679 --> 00:15:04.240 here's what it actually looks like day to day. The 283 00:15:04.279 --> 00:15:06.720 kid comes home excited about something, a drawing, a grade, 284 00:15:06.759 --> 00:15:08.759 a touchdown in a game, and the parent gives a 285 00:15:08.759 --> 00:15:11.039 flat that's nice without looking up from their phone or 286 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:12.759 from the sink or whatever it is that they're doing. 287 00:15:13.200 --> 00:15:15.639 Not cruel, not mean, just not there. This is there 288 00:15:15.679 --> 00:15:19.399 but not present, the silent treatment after disengagement, instead of 289 00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:22.399 a conversation, emotional topics get deflected with a joke or 290 00:15:22.399 --> 00:15:25.399 a change of subject. Physically, they are there, but they 291 00:15:25.399 --> 00:15:28.200 are not present. For sure, the parent is in the house, 292 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:30.440 but there is a wall between the kid and them, 293 00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:32.480 and they can feel it long before there's a language 294 00:15:32.519 --> 00:15:37.039 for it. This is the one control through Withdrawal doesn't 295 00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:39.600 look like control because it looks like nothing at all, 296 00:15:40.279 --> 00:15:43.159 But that's exactly the mechanism. When the parent goes quiet 297 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:45.799 and checks out, the kid starts working over time so 298 00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:48.240 that they can close the gap. They get quieter to 299 00:15:48.279 --> 00:15:51.679 match the mood, or louder trying to earn attention, or 300 00:15:51.799 --> 00:15:54.480 they start performing achievements just to see if they can 301 00:15:54.519 --> 00:15:57.559 finally get a reaction. I've watched grown adults still do 302 00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:01.240 this in their forties, still chasing approval from bosses, partners, audiences, 303 00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:04.720 or anyone else who reminds them of that unavailable parent, 304 00:16:04.759 --> 00:16:07.519 because the nervous system never got the message that connection 305 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:11.240 could just be given freely. A kid raised by an 306 00:16:11.279 --> 00:16:14.159 aloof parent usually learns one less and faster than any 307 00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:17.000 other kid and any other dynamic, and it's pretty fucking brutal. 308 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:21.120 Needing someone doesn't work, so they stop asking when they 309 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:23.919 see this, and I see this a lot when in 310 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.759 our coaching. There are men out there who pride themselves 311 00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:30.000 on being low maintenance, easy going, no big emotional needs, 312 00:16:30.519 --> 00:16:33.120 and when we dig into it, that's not actually their personality. 313 00:16:33.159 --> 00:16:36.000 It's an old survival strategy that has been embedded. It 314 00:16:36.039 --> 00:16:39.679 has embedded itself into their identity, and they've learned somewhere 315 00:16:39.879 --> 00:16:42.639 before the age of seven that reaching out got them nothing, 316 00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:46.200 so they quit reaching and independence became the identity because 317 00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:50.519 dependence never paid off. I don't think that most aloof 318 00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:54.159 parents are called people. Most of them are actually overwhelmed, avoidant, 319 00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:58.559 or carrying their own processed unprocessed grief or depression, and 320 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:01.919 withdrawal is just one more coping mechanism that they've got. 321 00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:04.119 So some of them grew up in homes where emotion 322 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:07.039 itself was treated as a problem. They never learned how 323 00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:09.359 to sit with the kid's feelings without wanting to escape 324 00:17:09.359 --> 00:17:12.880 the room. The tragedy is often love. They often love 325 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:15.519 their kids deeply and have no idea how far away 326 00:17:15.559 --> 00:17:21.079 they seem from the outside. Where this repeats becomes predictable 327 00:17:21.119 --> 00:17:23.079 once you've seen it enough times. A kid who grew 328 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:26.640 up starved for engagement either becomes an aloof parent themselves 329 00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:29.440 because emotional distance is the only template they were given, 330 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:32.359 or they swing in the opposite direction and become enmeshed, 331 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:36.079 unable to give their own kids any space because space 332 00:17:36.119 --> 00:17:39.359 equals abandonment in their nervous system. Neither extreme is healthy, 333 00:17:39.400 --> 00:17:42.519 and people can spend years bouncing between the two without 334 00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:45.519 ever realizing that both reactions trace back to the same wound. 335 00:17:46.359 --> 00:17:49.000 If you're a parent and you recognize yourself in this 336 00:17:49.240 --> 00:17:53.839 The fix isn't forcing constant conversation that you don't actually feel. 337 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:57.240 Kids can smell performance like a fart in the car. 338 00:17:58.039 --> 00:18:00.920 Bonus points to anybody who remembers that if you can 339 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:02.799 tell me in the chat what movie that came from, 340 00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:04.599 that would be great. Remember, kids, I can smell a 341 00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:07.799 lie like a fart in a car. I will tell 342 00:18:07.839 --> 00:18:10.480 you that it was Christian Slater who said it. Love 343 00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:15.359 that movie anyways. Um, the real work is smaller than that. 344 00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:18.079 It's looking up from the phone for ten seconds when 345 00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:20.559 your kid is trying to show you something. It's naming 346 00:18:20.599 --> 00:18:23.880 your own exhaustion out loud instead of just appearing disappearing 347 00:18:23.920 --> 00:18:26.880 into it. So if your kid learns that your silence 348 00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:29.519 is about your day and not about them, that one 349 00:18:29.559 --> 00:18:32.119 distinction alone can undo a lot of damage over time. 350 00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:35.240 If you grew up like this, the work is noticing 351 00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:38.680 where you built a life around not needing anyone and 352 00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:42.599 asking yourself honestly, whether that's peace or armor. Not needing 353 00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:45.720 anyone isn't the same as healed. Sometimes it just means 354 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:48.839 that you learned really early that asking didn't work, so 355 00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:51.759 you stopped. You learn to do it all yourself, and 356 00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:54.400 you called that strength because the alternative was too painful 357 00:18:54.440 --> 00:18:58.720 to sit with. Right. And then the last one from 358 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:01.200 the Celestine profit see is the poor me, And then 359 00:19:01.240 --> 00:19:04.119 I have five that I created for you guys. The 360 00:19:04.160 --> 00:19:07.119 poor me is the parent h is the one that 361 00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:10.319 fools almost everyone, including the kid who lived there. There's 362 00:19:10.319 --> 00:19:14.400 no yelling, no integrity, no interrogation, no cold shoulder. What 363 00:19:14.440 --> 00:19:17.400 there is instead is a sigh, a look of exhaustion 364 00:19:17.480 --> 00:19:20.319 that shows up right on cue whenever a kid needs something. 365 00:19:20.440 --> 00:19:22.799 I guess I'll figure it out like always. That sentence 366 00:19:22.839 --> 00:19:25.640 alone can run a household for twenty years, and most 367 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:27.839 people will never clock it as control because it looks 368 00:19:27.880 --> 00:19:31.440 so much like suffering. People spend years defending this parent 369 00:19:31.519 --> 00:19:36.240 before they ever see the pattern. She sacrificed everything for us, sure, 370 00:19:36.359 --> 00:19:38.720 and she made everyone in the house know it every 371 00:19:38.759 --> 00:19:41.680 single day, and one hundred small comments that turned love 372 00:19:41.799 --> 00:19:44.480 into a debt that nobody asked to. Oh that's the 373 00:19:44.519 --> 00:19:47.640 mechanism guilt instead of force. The kid doesn't get told 374 00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:50.039 what to do, they get shown how much it costs 375 00:19:50.039 --> 00:19:53.799 the parents when they do it. So here's a scene. 376 00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:55.920 Kid wants to go to a friend's birthday party instead 377 00:19:55.920 --> 00:19:58.759 of the families for dinner. The intimidator parent would say no, 378 00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:00.359 and that would be the end of it. The poor 379 00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:03.440 me parent says, fine, go don't worry about me. I'll 380 00:20:03.480 --> 00:20:06.400 just sit here alone. No rule was broken, no boundary 381 00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:09.319 was even stated. But the kid stays home anyways, because 382 00:20:09.319 --> 00:20:11.759 the alternative is carrying the image of that parent sitting 383 00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:13.880 alone at the table, and no kid wants to be 384 00:20:14.200 --> 00:20:19.000 the reason for their parents' pain and suffering. What actually 385 00:20:19.079 --> 00:20:22.640 happens developmentally is that the kid becomes the emotional caretaker 386 00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:25.200 of the parent, usually before they are old enough to 387 00:20:25.240 --> 00:20:30.000 spell the word responsibility. That's parentification. Parentification. That's a hard 388 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:34.240 word to say, parentification, and it's one of the quieter 389 00:20:34.359 --> 00:20:37.400 forms of role reversal and a family because from the outside, 390 00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:41.079 it just looks like a really considerate, mature kid. Teachers 391 00:20:41.160 --> 00:20:44.279 love these kids, everyone comments on how thoughtful they are. 392 00:20:44.599 --> 00:20:46.960 What's actually happened in a seven year old, though, is 393 00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:49.799 that they are learning to read a grown adult's emotional 394 00:20:49.880 --> 00:20:53.440 cues and adjusts their own needs accordingly, and this becomes 395 00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:57.960 their fucking life. A lot of poor me parents aren't 396 00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:01.480 manipulating on purpose. Many of them are uly struggling they're 397 00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:03.799 overwhelmed and this is the only way that they know 398 00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:07.160 to cope. Somewhere in their own history, direct requests didn't 399 00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:10.960 work or weren't allowed, and martyrdom became the only socially 400 00:21:11.079 --> 00:21:14.519 acceptable way to ask anyone for anything. I don't think 401 00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:16.519