Speaker 1: Hi, every want, and welcome back to the podcast episode.
Speaker 1: My name is Lisha Gogin, the host of the Globe
Speaker 1: Secrets podcast. Well, I help you expand your mind and
Speaker 1: become more self awares so that you can glow up
Speaker 1: into the best version of yourself. Hello and happy Sunday.
Speaker 1: And if you're watching on YouTube, we got baby Theo
Speaker 1: here right now. Hopefully you will take a nap very soon.
Speaker 1: So I did a Q and A, a more personal
Speaker 1: Q and A where you guys could ask me questions
Speaker 1: about myself. I really don't do it very often on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I'm somebody who kind of is just like, I just
Speaker 1: want to help you guys, but I know sometimes you
Speaker 1: guys are interested in my life and you want my
Speaker 1: opinion on things and YadA YadA. So I did that
Speaker 1: and I got a lot of questions answered them all,
Speaker 1: and I got a lot of questions about my relationship.
Speaker 2: And I feel like I probably talk about the.
Speaker 1: Fact that I'm in a relationship the most on the podcast,
Speaker 1: even though I don't talk about too much of it,
Speaker 1: mainly just because it's the context in which I'm talking
Speaker 1: about things, Like I haven't been talking about relationships that much,
Speaker 1: but We will be talking about relationships in this episode,
Speaker 1: and one of the main questions that I received was
Speaker 1: where did you meet your boyfriend? How can I find
Speaker 1: a good man? Where are all the good men? And
Speaker 1: I hear you guys, and I know because I used
Speaker 1: to ask that question a lot. Okay, and I have
Speaker 1: a lot of one on one clients as well, who
Speaker 1: if we're speaking on relationships, they'll ask the same thing,
Speaker 1: like where do I find a like minded guy? Like
Speaker 1: where do I find that guy that's just like me?
Speaker 1: Where do I find a good man? And I want
Speaker 1: to talk about that in today's episode. But if you're
Speaker 1: also a man and you date women or you date men,
Speaker 1: whatever the case is, this episode will still be helpful
Speaker 1: for you because it's really just about how to attract
Speaker 1: the relationship that you've been searching for. Essentially, So every
Speaker 1: time I think about this question, where do I find
Speaker 1: my dream relationship? Where do I find that person? I
Speaker 1: have a few may core points that I've broughten myself through,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna really speak on experience. I'm always going
Speaker 1: to do that, especially when it comes to relationships, because
Speaker 1: like that's all I've obviously experienced. But there's been a
Speaker 1: few key things that I've had to focus on every
Speaker 1: single time that I went through a dating phase, and
Speaker 1: I got better over time, which eventually led me to
Speaker 1: a relationship that is just so great. I was gonna
Speaker 1: say perfect, like no relationship is perfect, but genuinely like,
Speaker 1: do I think this guy will be my husband?
Speaker 2: Yes? I do?
Speaker 1: Can I say one hundred percent? No?
Speaker 2: Who knows? You know? At the end of the day,
Speaker 2: who knows?
Speaker 1: But I mean, I am also turning thirty and I
Speaker 1: have dated a lot. I've been in relationships, I've lived
Speaker 1: out unhealthy patterns, healthy ish patterns. I've learned what I've liked,
Speaker 1: what I don't like. I've gone through it all. So
Speaker 1: I'm pretty much at a point now in my life
Speaker 1: where it's pretty easy for me to see will I
Speaker 1: be with this person.
Speaker 2: For a long time or not? And the answer, in
Speaker 2: my personal opinion is yes.
Speaker 1: But before we even get into some of those main
Speaker 1: things that I want you guys to focus on, if
Speaker 1: you are somebody who is looking and dating and feeling
Speaker 1: kind of jaded even is to stop putting so much
Speaker 1: focus on where specifically you're going to find this person,
Speaker 1: as if this person is only in this area of
Speaker 1: the world, or they only move around these set of
Speaker 1: people or in this community. It's not to say that
Speaker 1: your dream person wouldn't be in certain environments, around certain people,
Speaker 1: places and things things like that versus others.
Speaker 2: But I think we.
Speaker 1: Focus way too much on the specific place or the
Speaker 1: timeline so much that we forget about all the other
Speaker 1: things that are so important. Because at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, and this is what I said on my
Speaker 1: Q and A, you can find a good man anywhere.
Speaker 1: You can find a good person anywhere, genuinely, So let's
Speaker 1: stop stressing about if you're on dating apps, where is Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't find him, or I need to find him
Speaker 1: out In real life it needs to be through friends,
Speaker 1: or you're in college right now, or you're in university,
Speaker 1: where can I find or your work like, why can't
Speaker 1: I find the work bay? Like, whatever the case is,
Speaker 1: don't worry about that. Let's focus on other things that
Speaker 1: will allow you to be able to suss out essentially
Speaker 1: and find that person that is more aligned to you.
Speaker 1: And that is first getting very clear about what you
Speaker 1: need and want in a relationship. And when you hear that,
Speaker 1: it's almost like, yeah, like I know what I want,
Speaker 1: but I feel like, especially for me, I think about
Speaker 1: my twenties, I thought I knew what I wanted, but
Speaker 1: I really just knew I wanted to be in a relationship.
Speaker 1: That's basically all I knew that I wanted. And there's
Speaker 1: so many other things that you need to really get
Speaker 1: more clear on and define when it comes to non negotiables,
Speaker 1: because it's going to allow you to say yes to
Speaker 1: more people that are in alignment with what you believe
Speaker 1: and what you value and what you're looking for, and
Speaker 1: to say no to the people, places, and things that
Speaker 1: do not serve you in this case dating. I've seen
Speaker 1: this in a lot of clients that I do one
Speaker 1: on one sessions with. If we are speaking in the
Speaker 1: context of relationships, I've also seen it within myself and
Speaker 1: friends really everywhere where we really entertain people who genuinely
Speaker 1: are not meeting our needs and it's not really aligned
Speaker 1: with what we truly deeply want. But we are not
Speaker 1: being clear, we're not being truthful to ourselves, and we're
Speaker 1: not having that at the forefront of our mind when
Speaker 1: we are going out in the dating world. And I
Speaker 1: think that that saves you so much time and so
Speaker 1: much energy, and when I quote unquote got back into
Speaker 1: the dating field, which was like really nothing.
Speaker 2: I actually met my boyfriend on a dating.
Speaker 1: App, for one, And I've also had really good experiences
Speaker 1: always really off of dating apps, Like even when I
Speaker 1: was going on them, I was so clear with what
Speaker 1: I was looking for and the type of man that
Speaker 1: I wanted to date that it was really easy to
Speaker 1: say no to a lot of people. And because I
Speaker 1: was able to say no to a lot of people,
Speaker 1: I didn't feel jaded. I didn't feel like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: where is he? It was just more so I haven't
Speaker 1: found that person yet that meets all of my needs.
Speaker 1: And if you really want to know what you need
Speaker 1: and even want in a relationship is to first look
Speaker 1: at what you did not get in your past relationships
Speaker 1: and even in your childhood. Okay, this is such good
Speaker 1: information for you when it comes to getting into relationships,
Speaker 1: because I can get that question a lot too, and
Speaker 1: I've definitely been through this phase of like what do
Speaker 1: I actually need in a relationship?
Speaker 2: Like what should I be looking for?
Speaker 1: And We're gonna definitely dive way more deeper into relationships,
Speaker 1: so many episodes to come, but to really see what
Speaker 1: you should be looking more for in a relationship is
Speaker 1: to see what you didn't get in childhood and even
Speaker 1: your previous relationships. So for me, I really needed a
Speaker 1: lot more consistency in stability than I ever did from
Speaker 1: my parents. And this is not to look at your
Speaker 1: partner like this need to reparent you, but there's going
Speaker 1: to be similarity. Your first real experiences with relationships and
Speaker 1: relying on people in connection is usually from your caregivers, parents, grandparents,
Speaker 1: even like sisters and brothers and all that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: and you're gonna have similar needs in your romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: And typically the things that you didn't get in childhood
Speaker 1: you either over compensate for or you stress about. Like,
Speaker 1: for instance, the inconsistency and the instability from my home
Speaker 1: life made me very anxious as a person. And so
Speaker 1: there's gonna be people who are better suited for me
Speaker 1: in a relationship than others. The guy who is avoidant,
Speaker 1: the guy who wants a lot of distance, that's not
Speaker 1: gonna be the guy for me, because I need somebody
Speaker 1: to show up consistently, communicate properly with me, because if not,
Speaker 1: then I am going to feel a little anxiety ridden.
Speaker 1: Now of course, it's not always putting it on someone else.
Speaker 1: I always say when we're speaking about anxious attachment styles,
Speaker 1: but any attachment style, really you have to also be
Speaker 1: the one to look inwards and to fill up your
Speaker 1: own cup to work on that anxious attachment, Like somebody
Speaker 1: can't just constantly be like feeding you all this attention
Speaker 1: and love and this that every second of the day,
Speaker 1: Like you need to learn how to be more secure
Speaker 1: in a relationship. But at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: even if you move more into a secure attachment style,
Speaker 1: which is me now, I still have different needs that
Speaker 1: I need in relationship that maybe somebody else wouldn't. But
Speaker 1: also taking a look at your past relationships, if you've
Speaker 1: ever had any or even like dating phases, like there
Speaker 1: was definitely personalities. There's definitely behaviors in men that I
Speaker 1: dated in the past where I'm like, I don't want
Speaker 1: that to be my future husband, Like I don't want
Speaker 1: like I remember I dated a guy.
Speaker 2: Who he was a great guy, but he stressed a lot.
Speaker 1: He stressed a lot about finances and other things, which
Speaker 1: is so understandable, and like we were a little bit younger,
Speaker 1: I mean, he was in his like more later twenties,
Speaker 1: but I was in my mid twenties. I guess whatever
Speaker 1: in our twenties is still kind of young. Honestly, the
Speaker 1: older you get, you realize, like, wow, that still was
Speaker 1: really young. But he was stressed a lot, And now
Speaker 1: looking back, I'm like, I don't want that. I need
Speaker 1: to be with the guy who's very stable, especially through
Speaker 1: hard times, and mainly because I've learned how to do that,
Speaker 1: but also it really helps me feel calm when I
Speaker 1: am around somebody who's also stable or even more level
Speaker 1: headed during stressful times, because for me it has been
Speaker 1: a struggle because I am somebody who can get stressed
Speaker 1: very easily. Again, I'm not saying my partner needs to
Speaker 1: be the one that makes it so I feel safe
Speaker 1: all the time.
Speaker 2: I have to do that work on myself.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, I'm gonna look
Speaker 1: for somebody who's probably not as stressed as that person.
Speaker 1: There's another guy that I dated in my earlier twenties,
Speaker 1: great guy again, but he was very quiet. He honestly,
Speaker 1: like I know, a lot of people don't like to
Speaker 1: hear the masculine and feminine energy. We have masculine feminine
Speaker 1: energy in all of us, but I do like to
Speaker 1: speak on that. Sometimes he didn't have a lot of
Speaker 1: and energy. He just didn't like move things forward. He
Speaker 1: wasn't much of a leader. I didn't feel like that's
Speaker 1: safe with him. And again, I have to learn how
Speaker 1: to feel safe within my own self. I need to
Speaker 1: do that work on myself, which I have, and at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, I still come out wanting
Speaker 1: a man who makes me feel like he is a
Speaker 1: leader and he's getting things done. He's very clear, and
Speaker 1: he's forward moving, which is who my boyfriend is now.
Speaker 1: So it really is just taking a look at your
Speaker 1: needs and your wants and being very clear with that
Speaker 1: so that when somebody comes in and I say this
Speaker 1: all the time, especially for women, okay, there will be
Speaker 1: a lot of men who come knocking at your door
Speaker 1: all the time and they will have their handout and
Speaker 1: they'll be like, hey, this is what I can give you.
Speaker 1: And what they have in their hand might be a
Speaker 1: full blown relationship, or maybe it's a situationship. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: a stage of life that they're in, maybe it's a
Speaker 1: personality trait, maybe it's the way they deal with stress. Whatever,
Speaker 1: right have the package and they say here, you need
Speaker 1: to be so clear with what you're looking for so
Speaker 1: that you have more strength to say no to the
Speaker 1: bullshit that is presented to you. And I'm sorry to
Speaker 1: be harsh about that, because I'm really like when it
Speaker 1: comes to men, like, I'm actually like, I'm not a
Speaker 1: man hater. I think a lot of men are doing
Speaker 1: really good things and are really good men. I think
Speaker 1: a lot of women don't even see how good some
Speaker 1: men are because of social media and how everything is.
Speaker 1: But there are definitely going to be people who just
Speaker 1: if there's not your cup of tea, okay, they're not
Speaker 1: going to meet your needs. But we are so like,
Speaker 1: oh okay, yeah, let me entertain it. And there's many
Speaker 1: reasons for that, but one of them can absolutely be
Speaker 1: because you're not being clear, Okay, you don't have those
Speaker 1: non negotiables and you need to have them. And for instance,
Speaker 1: some of the other things that I made sure that
Speaker 1: was in the forefront of my mind and basically said
Speaker 1: absolutely no, I'm not even gonna entertain this guy. If
Speaker 1: I didn't see it would be valuing family, talking about
Speaker 1: the future. What is he doing for his career, Does
Speaker 1: he have a career, is he happy with his job.
Speaker 1: Does he take care of himself health and wellness?
Speaker 2: Does he party? I don't want that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be dating a guy who's out
Speaker 1: in the scene. What's his communication style like? And not
Speaker 1: just like the fact that he is emotionally mature, which
Speaker 1: is also very important for me, but genuinely like, men
Speaker 1: have different ways of wanting to communicate. Like some guys
Speaker 1: suck at fucking texting. Sorry for swearing, but not really.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I swear and it is what it is. Sometimes
Speaker 1: they're not good at texting, or they like to call,
Speaker 1: or they call like once a day or twice a day,
Speaker 1: Like does that work for you? Some of that doesn't
Speaker 1: work for me, And I am a very independent person.
Speaker 1: I don't need to be up my boyfriend's ass. I
Speaker 1: don't want him up my ass, Like I don't need
Speaker 1: all of that. But I really do love that connection
Speaker 1: and that communication. So if a guy I start talking
Speaker 1: to a guy and he's not really giving that and
Speaker 1: it doesn't really feel good, then I'm not interested and
Speaker 1: you keep it pushing or I think this is a
Speaker 1: big one, especially if you're on dating apps. I like
Speaker 1: that dating apps now have that future where you can
Speaker 1: select what you're looking for, because I feel like that
Speaker 1: saves so much time and effort for anyone, at least
Speaker 1: for me, whether a guy is saying like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: not really sure what I'm looking for right now, or
Speaker 1: I'm looking for a long term relationship or short term,
Speaker 1: but regardless, you can just like ask these things, right
Speaker 1: and if somebody is like, well, I don't really know,
Speaker 1: I'm just kind of nope, sorry, I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1: Trust me, I've done that before and I've entertained guys
Speaker 1: who would say like I don't know really and that no,
Speaker 1: and that's fine. So anyways, I say all that to say,
Speaker 1: the first thing really to do is to be more clear,
Speaker 1: like what are you actually looking for, and have.
Speaker 2: Some of those non negotiables.
Speaker 1: You don't need to be super strict about it, but
Speaker 1: I just think, like, simply, sometimes we are entertaining and
Speaker 1: now we're in a situationship when genuinely you want a relationship,
Speaker 1: like why are you doing that? You need to be
Speaker 1: more clear and direct, and I promise you it will
Speaker 1: take you a very far away. The next thing is
Speaker 1: having boundaries and discernment, which is a playoff of what
Speaker 1: I just said about you know, being very clear about
Speaker 1: what you're looking for. But the truth is, relationships are
Speaker 1: not black and white.
Speaker 2: It's very gray.
Speaker 1: You know, you're not going to just like start talking
Speaker 1: to somebody and instantly in three seconds. I mean, maybe
Speaker 1: you will know, like I got really good at knowing
Speaker 1: whether a guy was gonna be serious or not, but
Speaker 1: you never know, like you might have to go through
Speaker 1: like the dating phases a little bit. You're seeing somebody
Speaker 1: and you know, maybe you feel good about it and
Speaker 1: everything's good, but you still need to kind of see
Speaker 1: like where are we going? Is this guy leading me
Speaker 1: in the right direction? If this is what I want?
Speaker 1: And I'm saying men because I date men, But during
Speaker 1: your dating phases and things like that, you still want
Speaker 1: to be aware and listen to your intuition and coming
Speaker 1: back to what you're looking for and say no early,
Speaker 1: which I guys, you know what, I don't regret anything
Speaker 1: because all of the relationships that I went through led
Speaker 1: me to where I'm at now in my relationship. But
Speaker 1: I would never say know early, like if there was
Speaker 1: a little bit of a red flag, whether a guy
Speaker 1: was being a little bit inconsistent or he was kind
Speaker 1: of beating around the bush, whether he was looking for
Speaker 1: a relationship or not, or maybe he wasn't really leading
Speaker 1: us forward, and you know, the dates and all of
Speaker 1: these things that would make me feel like, Okay, he's
Speaker 1: being more serious whatever it is, or even if it's
Speaker 1: not about him taking me serious about his own life,
Speaker 1: and maybe he's not taking care of himself that well,
Speaker 1: or maybe he's overworking, or does he really have that
Speaker 1: much time for me, whatever it is, I would ignore
Speaker 1: those things. But then I got so good and more
Speaker 1: so my late twenties of just being like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I need to start saying no early.
Speaker 2: I need to catch these things.
Speaker 1: I've gone through enough cycles, dated enough people to know
Speaker 1: that there are gonna be flags that you will see,
Speaker 1: and like, for instance, the person that.
Speaker 2: I dated before.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend, Actually everything was really good, but I started
Speaker 1: noticing that he was busy a lot of the times,
Speaker 1: even though he was trying to do his best to
Speaker 1: make time for me. And I enjoyed that, and it
Speaker 1: was almost hard to say no early.
Speaker 2: Because things were great.
Speaker 1: He treated me well on paper, he was doing all
Speaker 1: the right things, he checked a lot of boxes, but
Speaker 1: I just felt like also like his age was a
Speaker 1: thing that I started seeing that I could tell and
Speaker 1: we even have a conversation, so it wasn't like me
Speaker 1: just like assuming he was kind of one foot in,
Speaker 1: one foot out about like do I really want to
Speaker 1: commit to a relationship, because in order to commit to
Speaker 1: a relationship, it's going to require me to be a
Speaker 1: different man than I am right now, and do I
Speaker 1: want to give that up? And all these things, like
Speaker 1: we actually had pretty constructive conversations about those things, and
Speaker 1: I basically said, I'm like, I just I think that
Speaker 1: I'm looking for something a little bit more serious than
Speaker 1: you and maybe you're not.
Speaker 2: And he kind of pushed back on that and he
Speaker 2: was kind of like, well, no, like I like, I
Speaker 2: like where we're going.
Speaker 1: In this that, but I'm like, I have seen this
Speaker 1: movie before. I've seen this movie before, and I'm not
Speaker 1: doing this movie. So I'm going to have to respectfully
Speaker 1: exit the theater. And I look back at that guy.
Speaker 2: He was such a.
Speaker 1: Pivotal moment in my dating life because he set a
Speaker 1: higher standard for what I needed to look for based
Speaker 1: off of a previous dynamic that I really had to
Speaker 1: break and that was more of the attachment style wounds
Speaker 1: from parents that I was playing out, which I'm sure
Speaker 1: we'll talk about eventually, but.
Speaker 2: That was very pivotal and very important.
Speaker 1: But I knew, like when I was seeing it reflected,
Speaker 1: I was like, no, this is a lesson. He's a
Speaker 1: stepping stone in the nicest way possible. It wasn't like
Speaker 1: I was like using him or he was even using me. Like,
Speaker 1: it's just you know, sometimes you meet people and they're
Speaker 1: not there for a long time, just like a short
Speaker 1: amount of time, and they teach you a lesson if
Speaker 1: you're willing to look. And I was like, nope, I
Speaker 1: know what this is. I've seeing this movie.
Speaker 2: And I ended things.
Speaker 1: I had a really long time of like being single again,
Speaker 1: and I was going through a lot of other things
Speaker 1: in my life, and you guys know the year that
Speaker 1: I had in the wintertime, and it really allowed me
Speaker 1: to have even more clarity for when my boyfriend came
Speaker 1: into my life, because I was already in this energy
Speaker 1: of like very much so willing to say no, very
Speaker 1: much so, willing to walk away from things that didn't
Speaker 1: feel good to me anymore. I was very clear with
Speaker 1: what I wanted because I used my voice in that
Speaker 1: last dating situation and I truly believe our intuition speaks
Speaker 1: to us very early on, but we don't have practices
Speaker 1: and we're too scared to listen. And I actually found
Speaker 1: a Pinterest quote and it says, your intuition is an
Speaker 1: ancient voice.
Speaker 2: Trust her.
Speaker 1: She's seen this before, and I feel like with that
Speaker 1: dating situation, that's exactly what I felt. I'm like, nah,
Speaker 1: she's seen this before, Like we're not doing this again.
Speaker 1: And I think you just need to also remind yourself that,
Speaker 1: you know, are you really here to like live a
Speaker 1: lackluster life and have a lackluster relationship and a shitty
Speaker 1: one or a one that's not fully fulfilling, like really?
Speaker 1: I saw TikTok Oh my gosh the other day and
Speaker 1: I can't exactly remember what she was saying, but she's like,
Speaker 1: you can't choose your parents. You can't choose your siblings,
Speaker 1: you can't choose your uncles, your aunts, your grandparents, you
Speaker 1: can't choose any of those things, like really not anything,
Speaker 1: but you can choose your husband. And you're telling me
Speaker 1: that you're gonna date a loser. It was so funny,
Speaker 1: like it went viral and she was like, you're gonna
Speaker 1: tell me like the only person that you could actually
Speaker 1: choose when it comes to being with for the rest
Speaker 1: of your life, and you're going to choose a loser.
Speaker 1: You're gonna choose a person who doesn't know how to communicate,
Speaker 1: doesn't know if they want a relationship, doesn't know how
Speaker 1: to plan a date, isn't mature enough yet stresses over
Speaker 1: every single thing, Like that's what you're gonna choose.
Speaker 2: You gotta choose wisely. Now.
Speaker 1: The next thing that has helped me tremendously with getting
Speaker 1: into my current relationship but a lot of my other
Speaker 1: relationships as well, and honestly saving me a lot of
Speaker 1: sanity and peace is really focusing on detachment and becoming
Speaker 1: the main objective. And I think this is where people
Speaker 1: get really stuck. And then you can go into this
Speaker 1: loop and it kind of just over consumes you. Let's
Speaker 1: say you are on dating apps and you're looking for
Speaker 1: that person or you're trying to get out there, like
Speaker 1: you're in your phase where it's like I want to
Speaker 1: meet someone in this that it's totally fine to want that,
Speaker 1: like you don't need to get rid of the part
Speaker 1: of you that wants a relationship ever. But I think
Speaker 1: sometimes that part plays like too much of a role
Speaker 1: and it stresses you out too much and you put
Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on like I need to find
Speaker 1: the man of my dreams on this dating app or
Speaker 1: I need to find the man of my dreams this summer,
Speaker 1: I need to go out Like it just becomes like
Speaker 1: too much and your energy I swear, like, it's just
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is about that, but like
Speaker 1: you typically just don't attract from that state, and you
Speaker 1: typically start to act out of a place of desperation.
Speaker 1: So you're now entertaining people who aren't really the full package,
Speaker 1: but you're doing it anyways because you're really really trying
Speaker 1: and you're wanting in this that which again, that's a
Speaker 1: fine if you do, like we all need to learn
Speaker 1: a lesson, or you're putting a lot of pressure on
Speaker 1: a new relationship. You know, when are you gonna make
Speaker 1: me your girlfriend? Or when a you're gonna da da da,
Speaker 1: Like I just don't think that that's the place that
Speaker 1: we should be, especially for women. I think that again
Speaker 1: coming back to this question of where do I find them?
Speaker 2: Where do I find them? Where do I find them?
Speaker 1: It's fine you asked that question, but I think that
Speaker 1: you need to see when you're kind of more in
Speaker 1: that masculine energy of like thinking that you need to
Speaker 1: go out and search and find. Okay, I genuinely believe
Speaker 1: that like your future husband will come, he will come
Speaker 1: to you, he will find you. It doesn't mean you
Speaker 1: don't put yourself in places and open your channels up.
Speaker 1: Like for me, I was on a dating app, but
Speaker 1: I was so detached from it, like I went on
Speaker 1: it here and there, I talked to only a few people.
Speaker 2: I was very like, this.
Speaker 1: Doesn't need to be where I find my guy, but
Speaker 1: you know, just the place that I was in in
Speaker 1: my life, I was very busy. I work for myself.
Speaker 1: I don't go out a lot. There was so much
Speaker 1: going on in my life as well, so I was like,
Speaker 1: let me just like use this as a way to
Speaker 1: maybe like open up the channels a little bit. It
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be anything like crazy. And there was
Speaker 1: just like a lack of pressure that was on all
Speaker 1: of that. And I met my boyfriend so quickly and
Speaker 1: everything just was so seamless. And even when we were
Speaker 1: first talking, we talked for maybe like two weeks before
Speaker 1: we even went on our first date because I wasn't
Speaker 1: putting pressure on it.
Speaker 2: Neither was he. We talked on the phone, we were texting,
Speaker 2: we were just getting to know each other.
Speaker 1: And also, if you're watching on YouTube, theos decided to
Speaker 1: put his leg on my chest.
Speaker 2: So sorry about that.
Speaker 1: We're just gonna leave it. But coming back to also
Speaker 1: like kind of dating in your feminine energy, for me,
Speaker 1: I think about how I want to also allow a
Speaker 1: man to lead and to take more control over certain
Speaker 1: things and you know, make those plans and make those decisions.
Speaker 1: I'm not somebody who's like, oh, I need to be
Speaker 1: submissive and he needs to do everything.
Speaker 2: Now, I'm not like that.
Speaker 1: But I just think like there's certain things that I
Speaker 1: personally would like a man to kind of like lead
Speaker 1: and do, and I'm just gonna let it be and
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna put pressure on it. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that I'm not clear, it doesn't mean that I'm not
Speaker 1: communicating or you know, standing in my worth, because there's
Speaker 1: a difference between just passively sitting around and waiting for
Speaker 1: a guy who literally is not gonna take you serious
Speaker 1: and you're just like waiting, waiting, waiting. No, like we
Speaker 1: were still having good conversations. There's many signs that we
Speaker 1: were he was moving it forward even before we actually
Speaker 1: like went on our date, like it was planned. It
Speaker 1: was happening in a timely matter. Everything was great, But
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, I was still kind
Speaker 1: of like, you know what, I'm not going to rush
Speaker 1: this because why would I. But also I don't need
Speaker 1: to worry about this because I know my worth. I
Speaker 1: am my own main objective. I'm focusing on myself, so
Speaker 1: I don't need to be like worrying and waiting. I'm
Speaker 1: not waiting like you shouldn't be waiting for someone to
Speaker 1: choose you, like genuinely, and I think that that's sometimes
Speaker 1: what happens when you get in this energy of like
Speaker 1: where and when is it going to happen? And so
Speaker 1: when it comes to also being the main objective, what
Speaker 1: that really means is pour back into yourself. We shouldn't
Speaker 1: be sitting here all day anyway stressing about when we're
Speaker 1: going to find that person. That person is.
Speaker 2: Going to come. Do your inner work.
Speaker 1: That probably needs to happen, which is looking at your past,
Speaker 1: looking at your attachment styles, what have you played out,
Speaker 1: what are the things that keep happening what are the
Speaker 1: cycles you keep getting in? How do you take yourself
Speaker 1: out of those things? By saying, Okay, I need to
Speaker 1: have more boundaries, I clearly need to be more clear.
Speaker 1: I can't just keep accepting the bare minimum. Why am
Speaker 1: I accepting the bare minimum? Why am I rushing things?
Speaker 1: Why am I putting pressure on things? Why do I
Speaker 1: need somebody to want me so much right now? Again,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that we don't want love. We want love,
Speaker 1: and that's totally fine. I'm all here for like just
Speaker 1: wanting that. I think that that's a great thing to want,
Speaker 1: But it's really just doing that inner work. And I
Speaker 1: think when you're bringing your energy back towards yourself, it's
Speaker 1: very attractive.
Speaker 2: It's attractive to the person that might be interested in you.
Speaker 1: But I just think in general, you don't have that
Speaker 1: desperate energy going outward. You're not talking to people who
Speaker 1: don't serve you, and you're really conserving your energy for
Speaker 1: the person that it's going to be very aligned with you.
Speaker 2: And you know, like when you.
Speaker 1: Are entertaining people who are playing out patterns with you,
Speaker 1: like your like trauma patterns, and you know, giving the
Speaker 1: bare minimum and things like that, you are now occupied
Speaker 1: doing those things and putting your time and your attention
Speaker 1: into that and stressing and being anxious. You aren't in
Speaker 1: places around people where you could be attracting that right
Speaker 1: person for you. So you really have to take a
Speaker 1: look and be like, am I holding onto patterns? Am
Speaker 1: I playing out patterns? Am I staying in situationships? Am
Speaker 1: I letting people in my life that do not serve me?
Speaker 1: Because that will take you away from the person that
Speaker 1: is meant for you. Trust me, Trust me the moment
Speaker 1: I energetically, not only physically, but energetically let go of
Speaker 1: the men who did not serve me and were only
Speaker 1: there for a lesson. Only then did the right people
Speaker 1: come into my life. Maybe they were teaching me a lesson.
Speaker 1: But even when it comes to my boyfriend, like when
Speaker 1: he came into my life, there was no ties. I
Speaker 1: wasn't holding onto anyone. I wasn't, you know, thinking about
Speaker 1: I want to go back to this person or that.
Speaker 2: I even asked God.
Speaker 1: I was like, honestly, God, I don't want any energetic ties.
Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want the half assed love.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be stuck in these patterns. I
Speaker 1: want to learn that I am worthy of healthy love.
Speaker 1: I want to know that the things that I went
Speaker 1: through in my childhood and the relationship dynamics and you know,
Speaker 1: the things that played out that taught me about relationships,
Speaker 1: they don't need to continue to be my reality moving forward.
Speaker 1: I can let that go. I can put that to rest.
Speaker 1: I can see that I never deserved that in the
Speaker 1: first place, and once you do that, you can really
Speaker 1: start to say yes to what you've always deserved, which
Speaker 1: is healthy love. Now, the last thing I want to
Speaker 1: talk about is more of a spiritual thing realistically, and
Speaker 1: I think that spirituality or God religion, for the most part,
Speaker 1: I think plays a role in every single thing. I
Speaker 1: think there's a lot of things that you can do.
Speaker 1: You know, you're being clear, and you're opening up the
Speaker 1: channels for people to come in. You're not worrying so much,
Speaker 1: you're doing the work on yourself. But I think that
Speaker 1: there's just this divine timing that sometimes can happen as well.
Speaker 2: I've always seen it.
Speaker 1: Like as much as I think that I've done a
Speaker 1: lot of work to bring in the people in my
Speaker 1: life that have been very impactful, even my boyfriend, I
Speaker 1: think that there's always that little piece of like I
Speaker 1: just gotta let go and let God in a way,
Speaker 1: you know, I gotta let the universe bring me the people,
Speaker 1: the places, the situations at a time where it makes
Speaker 1: the most sense. And maybe sometimes I don't know that.
Speaker 1: And for instance, I genuinely believe that my mom and
Speaker 1: her passing and everything that happened had a huge role
Speaker 1: in the timing of when my boyfriend came into my life.
Speaker 1: On one hand, I think that I had done so
Speaker 1: much work when it came to getting out of patterns,
Speaker 1: on healthy patterns in relationships, and I did a lot
Speaker 1: of work on myself and you know, working out an
Speaker 1: anxious attachment and even working on my avoidant patterns that
Speaker 1: sometimes that I can have when it comes to connection
Speaker 1: and intimacy and just everything. But then there was a
Speaker 1: piece of you know, I had done a lot of
Speaker 1: grieving and I was so strong through all of it,
Speaker 1: and I had my friends and I had people around me,
Speaker 1: but the end of the day, like I really was alone.
Speaker 2: And I've been alone for a.
Speaker 1: Long time, Like I've always done things alone. I'm very
Speaker 1: very independent. I actually thrive on being alone. And it's
Speaker 1: definitely a trauma response in the same coin because that
Speaker 1: has turned into a lot of isolation and depression and
Speaker 1: not wanting to lean on people. And it's really important
Speaker 1: that you have connection and community in your life. But anyways,
Speaker 1: that's kind of been my life. But I genuinely believe
Speaker 1: the grieving and the processing that I had to do
Speaker 1: and go through, and the things that I had to
Speaker 1: let go of from my mind passing and the darkness
Speaker 1: and the cycles and everything, like you know, there's a
Speaker 1: lot of therapy and everything like that. When I was
Speaker 1: releasing that and I was grieving that, I genuinely believe God,
Speaker 1: my mom, everyone, all of the things, all my angels,
Speaker 1: everything was like, you know what, it is time that
Speaker 1: Alicia has a really good, solid person in her life
Speaker 1: that I think will be in my life for a
Speaker 1: very long time. I do not believe in coincidences. I
Speaker 1: think that me also going through a grieving process before
Speaker 1: meeting my boyfriend was also very important. Not to say
Speaker 1: that I needed to do it alone, because I had
Speaker 1: people who were there for me and things like that,
Speaker 1: but regardless, it was just a process that I had
Speaker 1: to go through. I had to grieve the loss of
Speaker 1: such a special connection in my life and I am
Speaker 1: almost very happy that he didn't come into my life
Speaker 1: until I was kind of it wasn't like I was
Speaker 1: coming out of it, because I was still in the
Speaker 1: thick of it, genuinely, and I still am, like there's
Speaker 1: so many days that grief just like overwhelms me. But
Speaker 1: the first few months I did all that and then he.
Speaker 2: Came into my life.
Speaker 1: So I just think that if you have been going
Speaker 1: through some of the things I've already been talking about,
Speaker 1: it's like, Alisha, I know this. I know I need
Speaker 1: to be clear, and I am clear, and I know
Speaker 1: I am detaching in this that then maybe it's just
Speaker 1: about letting it go for a second and knowing that,
Speaker 1: like you're a person, will come when it is time.
Speaker 1: And I know sometimes it started to believe that I
Speaker 1: know you might want it now. It's also not to
Speaker 1: convince yourself that you aren't deserving of a good person
Speaker 1: now a relationship now. It's just for many reasons. Some
Speaker 1: of them you might not see it yet. It just
Speaker 1: hasn't happened. And that's okay, because it will happen. So
Speaker 1: keep working on yourself, keep doing that work, keep saying no,
Speaker 1: keep saying yes, keep finding the lessons that are unique
Speaker 1: to you, because I promise you all relationships are is
Speaker 1: such a reflection of your past and the lessons that
Speaker 1: God the universe wants you to see. And even in
Speaker 1: my current relationship now, he's teaching me so much about
Speaker 1: how to be in a healthy, secure relationship, even more
Speaker 1: so than the other people that I've dated, where some
Speaker 1: of them were even more secure, but I'm also way
Speaker 1: more ready for the growth that this relationship has required
Speaker 1: me to have had. Essentially, your person is out there
Speaker 1: for you. And I found another pinch Just quote that
Speaker 1: says soulmates show up when you are honoring your soul,
Speaker 1: and I think.
Speaker 2: That's very true.
Speaker 1: I think that before I met my boyfriend, I was
Speaker 1: honoring what I needed to do for my soul, which
Speaker 1: actually had nothing to do with relationships. That was me
Speaker 1: going through a grieving process. Like I was grieving, and
Speaker 1: I was pouring into myself as much as I can.
Speaker 1: I was also healing from a really intense flare up
Speaker 1: during the winter, and I was also when it came
Speaker 1: time to, you know, opening up my channels, maybe I'll
Speaker 1: meet somebody whatever. I was being very detached again, I
Speaker 1: was being clear. I was thinking about all the other
Speaker 1: lessons that I've learned over the years of dating other guys,
Speaker 1: and I just always kept that in the forefront of
Speaker 1: my mind.
Speaker 2: I don't date.
Speaker 1: A lot, and I go long periods of time without
Speaker 1: dating someone before I usually date again. So it's just
Speaker 1: like reminding myself of the things that maybe I've learned
Speaker 1: in the past. And I'm not surprised that we.
Speaker 2: Met when we did.
Speaker 1: And my boyfriend also believes in things the exact same way,
Speaker 1: like he thinks that. Yes, on one hand, it was
Speaker 1: very much so divine timing. Definitely, somebody was looking out
Speaker 1: for us and wanted us to be together, but also
Speaker 1: he was doing that work on himself as well. He
Speaker 1: learned to pour into himself and take care of himself
Speaker 1: and course correct and learn the lessons that were playing
Speaker 1: out in his past relationships and to be a better
Speaker 1: man for himself but also for the next person that
Speaker 1: he dates as well. And I think when you are
Speaker 1: so connected to your soul, to yourself and doing that
Speaker 1: work is inevitable, it's gonna happen. And honestly, even before
Speaker 1: when I met him, that's what I would tell myself anyways,
Speaker 1: Like there's no rush there's no pressure.
Speaker 2: Because I know it's going to happen eventually.
Speaker 1: I don't know when exactly, but I'm just going to
Speaker 1: do the work that I know that I need to
Speaker 1: while also believing I am so worthy of love. I
Speaker 1: don't need to be perfect when it comes to relationship.
Speaker 1: There's many things that I cannot possibly heal from until
Speaker 1: I'm actually in a relationship, which is a different topic
Speaker 1: because like genuinely, like especially if you come from any
Speaker 1: sort of relational trauma, which most trauma is very relational,
Speaker 1: There's going to be things that you don't know.
Speaker 2: There's going to be things that you struggle with.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of things, and I definitely want to
Speaker 1: come out with an episode on lessons Insecure Love because
Speaker 1: I think that there's many real lessons that I have
Speaker 1: learned and things that need to be spoken about more.
Speaker 1: And I think that online there's a lot of conversation
Speaker 1: about relationships and it's very black and white, and I
Speaker 1: think that the ones that are working, the ones that
Speaker 1: are healing, the ones that just are real relationship have time.
Speaker 1: You don't even see them online. You don't hear a
Speaker 1: lot about it, and we need to have more of
Speaker 1: those conversations, and I think that relationships will always look
Speaker 1: different from person to person. So even though I've gone
Speaker 1: through what I've gone through, it doesn't mean it needs
Speaker 1: to look the same for you as well. And I
Speaker 1: think that's great. And I think it's just important to
Speaker 1: remember that during hard times, during the times where you're
Speaker 1: feeling alone, and also to help you course correct because
Speaker 1: there is a lot of things that we can course correct.
Speaker 1: Stop entertaining people who are not aligning to your values
Speaker 1: and your lifestyle. You see somebody who you know is
Speaker 1: maybe throwing up some red flags even though maybe other
Speaker 1: things are great, it's okay to still say no to
Speaker 1: that person. There are going to be lessons that you
Speaker 1: will need to learn throughout your relationship.
Speaker 2: Just do your best to look at it like that.
Speaker 1: So I think that's all I'm going to say for
Speaker 1: today's episode. Like I said, I'm going to have some
Speaker 1: more episodes coming out when it comes to relationships. I
Speaker 1: would like to have another episode when it comes to
Speaker 1: late blooming and love because I've had experiences. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm twenty nine now and i feel like I'm really
Speaker 1: just entering a really, really, really solid, great relationship that
Speaker 1: I think that will last a very long time. And
Speaker 1: I've also had experiences where I felt like I was
Speaker 1: kind of that late bloomer I think even when I
Speaker 1: was younger, definitely a late bloomer and other things too,
Speaker 1: And I get a lot of questions and it kind
Speaker 1: of is on par with this conversation of like waiting
Speaker 1: for love and like when is it going to happen
Speaker 1: and things like that. So if you guys want another
Speaker 1: episode on that topic, let me know. I'm also going
Speaker 1: to be coming out with an episode on aging and
Speaker 1: kids and marriage and things like that. I've really learned
Speaker 1: to slow it down, and I'm so happy I learned
Speaker 1: some of those lessons of like really slowing things down
Speaker 1: and not like needing to speed things up when it
Speaker 1: comes to marriage and kid and that before I met
Speaker 1: my boyfriend, because I just think that, like, if I
Speaker 1: was had that mindset and then met him, it's not
Speaker 1: that I would ruin it or anything like that, but
Speaker 1: I just I am so happy that I am more
Speaker 1: grounded and more like chill about things because it allows
Speaker 1: you to also learn and heal and do the things
Speaker 1: that are needed before even moving into marriage and kids
Speaker 1: and things like that that are so vital that we
Speaker 1: just skip. We don't even know, because how would we know.
Speaker 1: Half the time, we don't even see that in the
Speaker 1: relationships that we're shown to us in childhood. But then
Speaker 1: online everyone's getting married and kids, and just that you
Speaker 1: don't know the ins and outs. You don't know what
Speaker 1: they've learned or not learned yet. And I think that
Speaker 1: those are very pivotal times that should be cherished and
Speaker 1: should take time. And it's okay, so let me know
Speaker 1: if you want episodes on that. And with that said,
Speaker 1: I'll see you guys in the next one.
Speaker 2: Bye.