WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.160 Hi, every want, and welcome back to the podcast episode. 2 00:00:02.160 --> 00:00:03.919 My name is Lisha Gogin, the host of the Globe 3 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.639 Secrets podcast. Well, I help you expand your mind and 4 00:00:06.679 --> 00:00:08.679 become more self awares so that you can glow up 5 00:00:08.919 --> 00:00:13.359 into the best version of yourself. Hello and happy Sunday. 6 00:00:13.759 --> 00:00:15.919 And if you're watching on YouTube, we got baby Theo 7 00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.120 here right now. Hopefully you will take a nap very soon. 8 00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:24.000 So I did a Q and A, a more personal 9 00:00:24.120 --> 00:00:26.359 Q and A where you guys could ask me questions 10 00:00:26.399 --> 00:00:29.839 about myself. I really don't do it very often on Instagram. 11 00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:32.159 I'm somebody who kind of is just like, I just 12 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:34.520 want to help you guys, but I know sometimes you 13 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:36.880 guys are interested in my life and you want my 14 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:40.200 opinion on things and YadA YadA. So I did that 15 00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:43.520 and I got a lot of questions answered them all, 16 00:00:43.600 --> 00:00:47.280 and I got a lot of questions about my relationship. 17 00:00:47.640 --> 00:00:50.920 And I feel like I probably talk about the. 18 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:53.280 Fact that I'm in a relationship the most on the podcast, 19 00:00:53.320 --> 00:00:55.359 even though I don't talk about too much of it, 20 00:00:55.719 --> 00:00:59.479 mainly just because it's the context in which I'm talking 21 00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:02.359 about things, Like I haven't been talking about relationships that much, 22 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:05.239 but We will be talking about relationships in this episode, 23 00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:09.200 and one of the main questions that I received was 24 00:01:09.640 --> 00:01:12.239 where did you meet your boyfriend? How can I find 25 00:01:12.280 --> 00:01:14.560 a good man? Where are all the good men? And 26 00:01:14.599 --> 00:01:17.760 I hear you guys, and I know because I used 27 00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:21.319 to ask that question a lot. Okay, and I have 28 00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:23.840 a lot of one on one clients as well, who 29 00:01:24.040 --> 00:01:27.000 if we're speaking on relationships, they'll ask the same thing, 30 00:01:27.159 --> 00:01:29.599 like where do I find a like minded guy? Like 31 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:32.359 where do I find that guy that's just like me? 32 00:01:32.560 --> 00:01:36.319 Where do I find a good man? And I want 33 00:01:36.359 --> 00:01:39.920 to talk about that in today's episode. But if you're 34 00:01:39.959 --> 00:01:42.719 also a man and you date women or you date men, 35 00:01:42.760 --> 00:01:45.159 whatever the case is, this episode will still be helpful 36 00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:47.719 for you because it's really just about how to attract 37 00:01:48.079 --> 00:01:52.239 the relationship that you've been searching for. Essentially, So every 38 00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:55.799 time I think about this question, where do I find 39 00:01:55.920 --> 00:01:58.519 my dream relationship? Where do I find that person? I 40 00:01:58.560 --> 00:02:03.480 have a few may core points that I've broughten myself through, 41 00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:06.200 and I'm gonna really speak on experience. I'm always going 42 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:08.120 to do that, especially when it comes to relationships, because 43 00:02:08.159 --> 00:02:10.960 like that's all I've obviously experienced. But there's been a 44 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:14.759 few key things that I've had to focus on every 45 00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:16.680 single time that I went through a dating phase, and 46 00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:19.400 I got better over time, which eventually led me to 47 00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:24.360 a relationship that is just so great. I was gonna 48 00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:27.680 say perfect, like no relationship is perfect, but genuinely like, 49 00:02:28.319 --> 00:02:30.319 do I think this guy will be my husband? 50 00:02:30.439 --> 00:02:31.000 Yes? I do? 51 00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:33.120 Can I say one hundred percent? No? 52 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:34.719 Who knows? You know? At the end of the day, 53 00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:35.159 who knows? 54 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:39.319 But I mean, I am also turning thirty and I 55 00:02:39.360 --> 00:02:42.120 have dated a lot. I've been in relationships, I've lived 56 00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:46.400 out unhealthy patterns, healthy ish patterns. I've learned what I've liked, 57 00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:48.919 what I don't like. I've gone through it all. So 58 00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:50.759 I'm pretty much at a point now in my life 59 00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:53.719 where it's pretty easy for me to see will I 60 00:02:53.919 --> 00:02:54.840 be with this person. 61 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:56.960 For a long time or not? And the answer, in 62 00:02:57.000 --> 00:02:58.199 my personal opinion is yes. 63 00:02:58.280 --> 00:03:00.680 But before we even get into some of those main 64 00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:02.520 things that I want you guys to focus on, if 65 00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:06.039 you are somebody who is looking and dating and feeling 66 00:03:06.120 --> 00:03:10.199 kind of jaded even is to stop putting so much 67 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:14.439 focus on where specifically you're going to find this person, 68 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:18.520 as if this person is only in this area of 69 00:03:18.639 --> 00:03:22.039 the world, or they only move around these set of 70 00:03:22.080 --> 00:03:25.199 people or in this community. It's not to say that 71 00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:30.159 your dream person wouldn't be in certain environments, around certain people, 72 00:03:30.199 --> 00:03:33.000 places and things things like that versus others. 73 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:33.599 But I think we. 74 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:36.759 Focus way too much on the specific place or the 75 00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:40.719 timeline so much that we forget about all the other 76 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:42.800 things that are so important. Because at the end of 77 00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:43.960 the day, and this is what I said on my 78 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:48.159 Q and A, you can find a good man anywhere. 79 00:03:48.439 --> 00:03:52.560 You can find a good person anywhere, genuinely, So let's 80 00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:56.080 stop stressing about if you're on dating apps, where is Yeah, 81 00:03:56.080 --> 00:03:58.599 I can't find him, or I need to find him 82 00:03:58.680 --> 00:04:01.000 out In real life it needs to be through friends, 83 00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:03.879 or you're in college right now, or you're in university, 84 00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:05.960 where can I find or your work like, why can't 85 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:07.840 I find the work bay? Like, whatever the case is, 86 00:04:07.960 --> 00:04:10.479 don't worry about that. Let's focus on other things that 87 00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:13.479 will allow you to be able to suss out essentially 88 00:04:13.520 --> 00:04:16.360 and find that person that is more aligned to you. 89 00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:21.040 And that is first getting very clear about what you 90 00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:25.120 need and want in a relationship. And when you hear that, 91 00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:28.600 it's almost like, yeah, like I know what I want, 92 00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:31.680 but I feel like, especially for me, I think about 93 00:04:31.800 --> 00:04:34.639 my twenties, I thought I knew what I wanted, but 94 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:37.360 I really just knew I wanted to be in a relationship. 95 00:04:37.399 --> 00:04:42.079 That's basically all I knew that I wanted. And there's 96 00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:45.199 so many other things that you need to really get 97 00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:48.879 more clear on and define when it comes to non negotiables, 98 00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:51.639 because it's going to allow you to say yes to 99 00:04:51.720 --> 00:04:54.360 more people that are in alignment with what you believe 100 00:04:54.439 --> 00:04:56.639 and what you value and what you're looking for, and 101 00:04:56.720 --> 00:04:58.959 to say no to the people, places, and things that 102 00:04:59.040 --> 00:05:01.879 do not serve you in this case dating. I've seen 103 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:03.879 this in a lot of clients that I do one 104 00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:06.040 on one sessions with. If we are speaking in the 105 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:09.360 context of relationships, I've also seen it within myself and 106 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:17.240 friends really everywhere where we really entertain people who genuinely 107 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:21.720 are not meeting our needs and it's not really aligned 108 00:05:21.759 --> 00:05:24.319 with what we truly deeply want. But we are not 109 00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:28.519 being clear, we're not being truthful to ourselves, and we're 110 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:30.959 not having that at the forefront of our mind when 111 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:32.759 we are going out in the dating world. And I 112 00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:34.399 think that that saves you so much time and so 113 00:05:34.519 --> 00:05:38.399 much energy, and when I quote unquote got back into 114 00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:40.720 the dating field, which was like really nothing. 115 00:05:41.079 --> 00:05:43.360 I actually met my boyfriend on a dating. 116 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:47.000 App, for one, And I've also had really good experiences 117 00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:50.040 always really off of dating apps, Like even when I 118 00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:53.240 was going on them, I was so clear with what 119 00:05:53.319 --> 00:05:55.639 I was looking for and the type of man that 120 00:05:55.720 --> 00:05:58.560 I wanted to date that it was really easy to 121 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:01.680 say no to a lot of people. And because I 122 00:06:01.720 --> 00:06:03.240 was able to say no to a lot of people, 123 00:06:03.399 --> 00:06:05.680 I didn't feel jaded. I didn't feel like, oh my god, 124 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:07.839 where is he? It was just more so I haven't 125 00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:11.199 found that person yet that meets all of my needs. 126 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:14.639 And if you really want to know what you need 127 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:17.720 and even want in a relationship is to first look 128 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:21.920 at what you did not get in your past relationships 129 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:24.920 and even in your childhood. Okay, this is such good 130 00:06:24.959 --> 00:06:28.079 information for you when it comes to getting into relationships, 131 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:29.759 because I can get that question a lot too, and 132 00:06:29.800 --> 00:06:32.319 I've definitely been through this phase of like what do 133 00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:33.839 I actually need in a relationship? 134 00:06:33.879 --> 00:06:35.240 Like what should I be looking for? 135 00:06:35.319 --> 00:06:39.240 And We're gonna definitely dive way more deeper into relationships, 136 00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:41.439 so many episodes to come, but to really see what 137 00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:45.480 you should be looking more for in a relationship is 138 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:48.879 to see what you didn't get in childhood and even 139 00:06:48.920 --> 00:06:54.040 your previous relationships. So for me, I really needed a 140 00:06:54.079 --> 00:06:57.839 lot more consistency in stability than I ever did from 141 00:06:57.879 --> 00:06:59.480 my parents. And this is not to look at your 142 00:06:59.480 --> 00:07:02.120 partner like this need to reparent you, but there's going 143 00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:05.680 to be similarity. Your first real experiences with relationships and 144 00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:10.560 relying on people in connection is usually from your caregivers, parents, grandparents, 145 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:12.879 even like sisters and brothers and all that kind of stuff, 146 00:07:12.879 --> 00:07:15.480 and you're gonna have similar needs in your romantic relationships. 147 00:07:15.480 --> 00:07:17.600 And typically the things that you didn't get in childhood 148 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:21.600 you either over compensate for or you stress about. Like, 149 00:07:21.680 --> 00:07:27.160 for instance, the inconsistency and the instability from my home 150 00:07:27.199 --> 00:07:30.199 life made me very anxious as a person. And so 151 00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:32.639 there's gonna be people who are better suited for me 152 00:07:32.759 --> 00:07:36.480 in a relationship than others. The guy who is avoidant, 153 00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:38.959 the guy who wants a lot of distance, that's not 154 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:41.839 gonna be the guy for me, because I need somebody 155 00:07:41.879 --> 00:07:46.160 to show up consistently, communicate properly with me, because if not, 156 00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:49.120 then I am going to feel a little anxiety ridden. 157 00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:51.920 Now of course, it's not always putting it on someone else. 158 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:55.040 I always say when we're speaking about anxious attachment styles, 159 00:07:55.079 --> 00:07:58.519 but any attachment style, really you have to also be 160 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:00.959 the one to look inwards and to fill up your 161 00:08:00.959 --> 00:08:04.680 own cup to work on that anxious attachment, Like somebody 162 00:08:04.720 --> 00:08:07.319 can't just constantly be like feeding you all this attention 163 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:09.879 and love and this that every second of the day, 164 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:12.000 Like you need to learn how to be more secure 165 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:13.959 in a relationship. But at the end of the day, 166 00:08:14.040 --> 00:08:16.839 even if you move more into a secure attachment style, 167 00:08:16.920 --> 00:08:21.000 which is me now, I still have different needs that 168 00:08:21.040 --> 00:08:23.720 I need in relationship that maybe somebody else wouldn't. But 169 00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:26.000 also taking a look at your past relationships, if you've 170 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:28.120 ever had any or even like dating phases, like there 171 00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:34.039 was definitely personalities. There's definitely behaviors in men that I 172 00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:37.120 dated in the past where I'm like, I don't want 173 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:39.720 that to be my future husband, Like I don't want 174 00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:41.279 like I remember I dated a guy. 175 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:45.000 Who he was a great guy, but he stressed a lot. 176 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:48.759 He stressed a lot about finances and other things, which 177 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:51.159 is so understandable, and like we were a little bit younger, 178 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:54.240 I mean, he was in his like more later twenties, 179 00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:57.240 but I was in my mid twenties. I guess whatever 180 00:08:57.440 --> 00:08:59.639 in our twenties is still kind of young. Honestly, the 181 00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:01.600 older you get, you realize, like, wow, that still was 182 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:06.320 really young. But he was stressed a lot, And now 183 00:09:06.360 --> 00:09:09.039 looking back, I'm like, I don't want that. I need 184 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:11.960 to be with the guy who's very stable, especially through 185 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:15.759 hard times, and mainly because I've learned how to do that, 186 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:19.840 but also it really helps me feel calm when I 187 00:09:19.879 --> 00:09:24.480 am around somebody who's also stable or even more level 188 00:09:24.519 --> 00:09:27.919 headed during stressful times, because for me it has been 189 00:09:27.960 --> 00:09:30.399 a struggle because I am somebody who can get stressed 190 00:09:30.519 --> 00:09:33.200 very easily. Again, I'm not saying my partner needs to 191 00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:35.639 be the one that makes it so I feel safe 192 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:36.200 all the time. 193 00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:37.600 I have to do that work on myself. 194 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:39.559 But at the end of the day, I'm gonna look 195 00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:42.320 for somebody who's probably not as stressed as that person. 196 00:09:42.759 --> 00:09:46.159 There's another guy that I dated in my earlier twenties, 197 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:51.720 great guy again, but he was very quiet. He honestly, 198 00:09:51.840 --> 00:09:53.039 like I know, a lot of people don't like to 199 00:09:53.039 --> 00:09:56.080 hear the masculine and feminine energy. We have masculine feminine 200 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:57.360 energy in all of us, but I do like to 201 00:09:57.399 --> 00:09:59.879 speak on that. Sometimes he didn't have a lot of 202 00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:04.039 and energy. He just didn't like move things forward. He 203 00:10:04.080 --> 00:10:06.200 wasn't much of a leader. I didn't feel like that's 204 00:10:06.240 --> 00:10:09.519 safe with him. And again, I have to learn how 205 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:11.639 to feel safe within my own self. I need to 206 00:10:11.639 --> 00:10:14.840 do that work on myself, which I have, and at 207 00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:17.919 the end of the day, I still come out wanting 208 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:21.039 a man who makes me feel like he is a 209 00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:24.000 leader and he's getting things done. He's very clear, and 210 00:10:24.039 --> 00:10:27.279 he's forward moving, which is who my boyfriend is now. 211 00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:30.039 So it really is just taking a look at your 212 00:10:30.159 --> 00:10:32.480 needs and your wants and being very clear with that 213 00:10:32.559 --> 00:10:34.559 so that when somebody comes in and I say this 214 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:38.720 all the time, especially for women, okay, there will be 215 00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:41.600 a lot of men who come knocking at your door 216 00:10:42.279 --> 00:10:44.879 all the time and they will have their handout and 217 00:10:44.919 --> 00:10:47.120 they'll be like, hey, this is what I can give you. 218 00:10:47.600 --> 00:10:50.639 And what they have in their hand might be a 219 00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:54.240 full blown relationship, or maybe it's a situationship. Maybe it's 220 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:56.440 a stage of life that they're in, maybe it's a 221 00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:59.320 personality trait, maybe it's the way they deal with stress. Whatever, 222 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:02.320 right have the package and they say here, you need 223 00:11:02.360 --> 00:11:04.720 to be so clear with what you're looking for so 224 00:11:04.759 --> 00:11:07.639 that you have more strength to say no to the 225 00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:10.120 bullshit that is presented to you. And I'm sorry to 226 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:12.519 be harsh about that, because I'm really like when it 227 00:11:12.559 --> 00:11:14.320 comes to men, like, I'm actually like, I'm not a 228 00:11:14.320 --> 00:11:16.559 man hater. I think a lot of men are doing 229 00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:19.039 really good things and are really good men. I think 230 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:21.120 a lot of women don't even see how good some 231 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:23.879 men are because of social media and how everything is. 232 00:11:24.240 --> 00:11:26.879 But there are definitely going to be people who just 233 00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:29.600 if there's not your cup of tea, okay, they're not 234 00:11:29.639 --> 00:11:31.759 going to meet your needs. But we are so like, 235 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:33.960 oh okay, yeah, let me entertain it. And there's many 236 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:36.279 reasons for that, but one of them can absolutely be 237 00:11:36.279 --> 00:11:39.279 because you're not being clear, Okay, you don't have those 238 00:11:39.320 --> 00:11:41.919 non negotiables and you need to have them. And for instance, 239 00:11:41.919 --> 00:11:43.799 some of the other things that I made sure that 240 00:11:43.879 --> 00:11:45.720 was in the forefront of my mind and basically said 241 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:48.360 absolutely no, I'm not even gonna entertain this guy. If 242 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:51.720 I didn't see it would be valuing family, talking about 243 00:11:51.720 --> 00:11:54.440 the future. What is he doing for his career, Does 244 00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:57.000 he have a career, is he happy with his job. 245 00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:59.320 Does he take care of himself health and wellness? 246 00:11:59.360 --> 00:12:01.240 Does he party? I don't want that. 247 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:02.679 I don't want to be dating a guy who's out 248 00:12:02.679 --> 00:12:05.639 in the scene. What's his communication style like? And not 249 00:12:06.200 --> 00:12:09.200 just like the fact that he is emotionally mature, which 250 00:12:09.240 --> 00:12:13.000 is also very important for me, but genuinely like, men 251 00:12:13.080 --> 00:12:15.799 have different ways of wanting to communicate. Like some guys 252 00:12:16.039 --> 00:12:18.919 suck at fucking texting. Sorry for swearing, but not really. 253 00:12:18.960 --> 00:12:22.639 Sometimes I swear and it is what it is. Sometimes 254 00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:25.080 they're not good at texting, or they like to call, 255 00:12:25.320 --> 00:12:27.919 or they call like once a day or twice a day, 256 00:12:28.000 --> 00:12:31.080 Like does that work for you? Some of that doesn't 257 00:12:31.120 --> 00:12:34.519 work for me, And I am a very independent person. 258 00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:37.960 I don't need to be up my boyfriend's ass. I 259 00:12:37.960 --> 00:12:40.600 don't want him up my ass, Like I don't need 260 00:12:40.639 --> 00:12:43.600 all of that. But I really do love that connection 261 00:12:43.720 --> 00:12:46.679 and that communication. So if a guy I start talking 262 00:12:46.679 --> 00:12:48.519 to a guy and he's not really giving that and 263 00:12:48.559 --> 00:12:51.240 it doesn't really feel good, then I'm not interested and 264 00:12:51.360 --> 00:12:53.279 you keep it pushing or I think this is a 265 00:12:53.279 --> 00:12:55.960 big one, especially if you're on dating apps. I like 266 00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:59.679 that dating apps now have that future where you can 267 00:13:00.080 --> 00:13:02.279 select what you're looking for, because I feel like that 268 00:13:02.440 --> 00:13:07.159 saves so much time and effort for anyone, at least 269 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:09.639 for me, whether a guy is saying like, oh, I'm 270 00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:11.240 not really sure what I'm looking for right now, or 271 00:13:11.240 --> 00:13:13.799 I'm looking for a long term relationship or short term, 272 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:16.399 but regardless, you can just like ask these things, right 273 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:18.559 and if somebody is like, well, I don't really know, 274 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:22.440 I'm just kind of nope, sorry, I'm not doing it. 275 00:13:22.600 --> 00:13:25.679 Trust me, I've done that before and I've entertained guys 276 00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:29.759 who would say like I don't know really and that no, 277 00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:32.360 and that's fine. So anyways, I say all that to say, 278 00:13:32.440 --> 00:13:34.840 the first thing really to do is to be more clear, 279 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:38.759 like what are you actually looking for, and have. 280 00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:39.919 Some of those non negotiables. 281 00:13:39.960 --> 00:13:41.600 You don't need to be super strict about it, but 282 00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:46.120 I just think, like, simply, sometimes we are entertaining and 283 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:50.360 now we're in a situationship when genuinely you want a relationship, 284 00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:53.000 like why are you doing that? You need to be 285 00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:55.360 more clear and direct, and I promise you it will 286 00:13:55.399 --> 00:13:57.759 take you a very far away. The next thing is 287 00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:01.919 having boundaries and discernment, which is a playoff of what 288 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:04.879 I just said about you know, being very clear about 289 00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:08.919 what you're looking for. But the truth is, relationships are 290 00:14:08.919 --> 00:14:09.720 not black and white. 291 00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:10.960 It's very gray. 292 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:12.919 You know, you're not going to just like start talking 293 00:14:12.919 --> 00:14:15.039 to somebody and instantly in three seconds. I mean, maybe 294 00:14:15.080 --> 00:14:17.039 you will know, like I got really good at knowing 295 00:14:17.039 --> 00:14:19.159 whether a guy was gonna be serious or not, but 296 00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:21.200 you never know, like you might have to go through 297 00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:23.399 like the dating phases a little bit. You're seeing somebody 298 00:14:23.399 --> 00:14:25.519 and you know, maybe you feel good about it and 299 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:27.840 everything's good, but you still need to kind of see 300 00:14:27.879 --> 00:14:29.840 like where are we going? Is this guy leading me 301 00:14:29.840 --> 00:14:31.679 in the right direction? If this is what I want? 302 00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:34.399 And I'm saying men because I date men, But during 303 00:14:34.480 --> 00:14:37.639 your dating phases and things like that, you still want 304 00:14:37.639 --> 00:14:42.360 to be aware and listen to your intuition and coming 305 00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:47.279 back to what you're looking for and say no early, 306 00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:51.960 which I guys, you know what, I don't regret anything 307 00:14:52.039 --> 00:14:55.480 because all of the relationships that I went through led 308 00:14:55.519 --> 00:14:58.159 me to where I'm at now in my relationship. But 309 00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:01.480 I would never say know early, like if there was 310 00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:03.440 a little bit of a red flag, whether a guy 311 00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:07.120 was being a little bit inconsistent or he was kind 312 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:09.000 of beating around the bush, whether he was looking for 313 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:11.559 a relationship or not, or maybe he wasn't really leading 314 00:15:11.639 --> 00:15:13.360 us forward, and you know, the dates and all of 315 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:15.440 these things that would make me feel like, Okay, he's 316 00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:18.080 being more serious whatever it is, or even if it's 317 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:21.039 not about him taking me serious about his own life, 318 00:15:21.080 --> 00:15:23.440 and maybe he's not taking care of himself that well, 319 00:15:23.559 --> 00:15:26.679 or maybe he's overworking, or does he really have that 320 00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:29.000 much time for me, whatever it is, I would ignore 321 00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:31.480 those things. But then I got so good and more 322 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:34.240 so my late twenties of just being like, you know what, 323 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:36.600 I need to start saying no early. 324 00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:37.840 I need to catch these things. 325 00:15:37.879 --> 00:15:40.840 I've gone through enough cycles, dated enough people to know 326 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:44.240 that there are gonna be flags that you will see, 327 00:15:44.279 --> 00:15:47.559 and like, for instance, the person that. 328 00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:49.799 I dated before. 329 00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:55.320 My boyfriend, Actually everything was really good, but I started 330 00:15:55.960 --> 00:15:59.240 noticing that he was busy a lot of the times, 331 00:15:59.240 --> 00:16:01.039 even though he was trying to do his best to 332 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:04.679 make time for me. And I enjoyed that, and it 333 00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:06.960 was almost hard to say no early. 334 00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:08.799 Because things were great. 335 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:11.480 He treated me well on paper, he was doing all 336 00:16:11.519 --> 00:16:14.879 the right things, he checked a lot of boxes, but 337 00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:18.159 I just felt like also like his age was a 338 00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:21.320 thing that I started seeing that I could tell and 339 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:23.039 we even have a conversation, so it wasn't like me 340 00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:27.120 just like assuming he was kind of one foot in, 341 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:28.919 one foot out about like do I really want to 342 00:16:28.919 --> 00:16:31.600 commit to a relationship, because in order to commit to 343 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:33.360 a relationship, it's going to require me to be a 344 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:34.919 different man than I am right now, and do I 345 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:36.399 want to give that up? And all these things, like 346 00:16:36.440 --> 00:16:39.559 we actually had pretty constructive conversations about those things, and 347 00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:42.960 I basically said, I'm like, I just I think that 348 00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:44.879 I'm looking for something a little bit more serious than 349 00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:45.879 you and maybe you're not. 350 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:48.600 And he kind of pushed back on that and he 351 00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:50.759 was kind of like, well, no, like I like, I 352 00:16:50.879 --> 00:16:51.600 like where we're going. 353 00:16:51.559 --> 00:16:53.840 In this that, but I'm like, I have seen this 354 00:16:54.000 --> 00:16:58.799 movie before. I've seen this movie before, and I'm not 355 00:16:58.919 --> 00:17:02.559 doing this movie. So I'm going to have to respectfully 356 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:08.160 exit the theater. And I look back at that guy. 357 00:17:08.200 --> 00:17:08.960 He was such a. 358 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:13.119 Pivotal moment in my dating life because he set a 359 00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:15.880 higher standard for what I needed to look for based 360 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:19.160 off of a previous dynamic that I really had to 361 00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:22.519 break and that was more of the attachment style wounds 362 00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:24.559 from parents that I was playing out, which I'm sure 363 00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:26.119 we'll talk about eventually, but. 364 00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:29.880 That was very pivotal and very important. 365 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.720 But I knew, like when I was seeing it reflected, 366 00:17:32.759 --> 00:17:34.440 I was like, no, this is a lesson. He's a 367 00:17:34.440 --> 00:17:36.720 stepping stone in the nicest way possible. It wasn't like 368 00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:38.680 I was like using him or he was even using me. Like, 369 00:17:38.720 --> 00:17:40.839 it's just you know, sometimes you meet people and they're 370 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:42.599 not there for a long time, just like a short 371 00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:44.119 amount of time, and they teach you a lesson if 372 00:17:44.160 --> 00:17:47.279 you're willing to look. And I was like, nope, I 373 00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:49.519 know what this is. I've seeing this movie. 374 00:17:49.559 --> 00:17:50.720 And I ended things. 375 00:17:51.000 --> 00:17:54.200 I had a really long time of like being single again, 376 00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:56.039 and I was going through a lot of other things 377 00:17:56.039 --> 00:17:57.920 in my life, and you guys know the year that 378 00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:01.039 I had in the wintertime, and it really allowed me 379 00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:04.240 to have even more clarity for when my boyfriend came 380 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:06.960 into my life, because I was already in this energy 381 00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:09.839 of like very much so willing to say no, very 382 00:18:09.920 --> 00:18:12.640 much so, willing to walk away from things that didn't 383 00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:14.640 feel good to me anymore. I was very clear with 384 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:16.880 what I wanted because I used my voice in that 385 00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:21.000 last dating situation and I truly believe our intuition speaks 386 00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:24.359 to us very early on, but we don't have practices 387 00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:27.039 and we're too scared to listen. And I actually found 388 00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:29.599 a Pinterest quote and it says, your intuition is an 389 00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:30.559 ancient voice. 390 00:18:31.039 --> 00:18:31.640 Trust her. 391 00:18:31.880 --> 00:18:35.279 She's seen this before, and I feel like with that 392 00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:38.440 dating situation, that's exactly what I felt. I'm like, nah, 393 00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:40.480 she's seen this before, Like we're not doing this again. 394 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:44.279 And I think you just need to also remind yourself that, 395 00:18:44.839 --> 00:18:47.319 you know, are you really here to like live a 396 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:51.119 lackluster life and have a lackluster relationship and a shitty 397 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:53.920 one or a one that's not fully fulfilling, like really? 398 00:18:53.960 --> 00:18:57.000 I saw TikTok Oh my gosh the other day and 399 00:18:57.240 --> 00:18:59.680 I can't exactly remember what she was saying, but she's like, 400 00:19:00.599 --> 00:19:04.160 you can't choose your parents. You can't choose your siblings, 401 00:19:04.160 --> 00:19:06.640