1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,799 Speaker 1: I wish I could say that my parents death had meaning, 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:10,599 that they died for a good reason, But they didn't. 3 00:00:11,439 --> 00:00:14,320 I was only eleven years old at the time. A 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,920 drunk man racing home to catch his wife cheating blind 5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:22,079 sided them on a turn. My parents didn't die heroes. 6 00:00:22,559 --> 00:00:27,199 They didn't die for a grand purpose. They died because 7 00:00:27,239 --> 00:00:33,679 some one took them from me too early. This was 8 00:00:33,719 --> 00:00:38,320 the first time I felt real, raw grief. The memory 9 00:00:38,359 --> 00:00:41,479 of when I was told the moment it happened is 10 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,920 snap shot in my mind, like a burn that never heals. 11 00:00:45,799 --> 00:00:47,920 The way my guts sank, like the dip of a 12 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,039 monstrous roller coaster, the pit left as my child's self 13 00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:56,000 realized the permanent nature of it. I can even still 14 00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:59,000 feel the tingles in my fingers as the shock set in. 15 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,960 The words played in real time, but my body felt slowed. 16 00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:09,079 Breathing became manual, as my vision tilted over and over. 17 00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:15,239 I was not emotionally ready for this. I was barely 18 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:20,280 emotionally handling school, so them being taken so callously left 19 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:25,959 me empty for longer than I'd liked to admit. After 20 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,480 their passing, my grandparents moved into my parents home with me. 21 00:01:30,519 --> 00:01:32,799 They packed up their lives and tried to pick up 22 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:37,239 where my parents left off. Four years. They tried to 23 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:42,400 connect with me, but I was emotionally unstable. I resented 24 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,319 them for trying to take their place. Their love hurt 25 00:01:46,359 --> 00:01:51,400 me in ways they couldn't win. They tried to coddle 26 00:01:51,439 --> 00:01:55,079 me during and after the funeral. For four years. They 27 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,959 tried to break down my walls, but the walls I 28 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:02,680 built held strong. I sank myself into the last connection 29 00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:09,039 I felt I had with them. Games. My father was 30 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,080 a software engineer, so he spent a lot of time 31 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:16,759 on the computer, and to my mother's dismay, he dragged 32 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:21,400 me into the digital world. Early on. I couldn't get 33 00:02:21,439 --> 00:02:24,240 the hang of using a mouse and keyboard. I think 34 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,840 my hands were too small at the time, so we 35 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:30,400 bought me a console. We would huddle around the TV 36 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:33,800 and play all the best co op games he could find, 37 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,159 or snooping for presents. One Christmas, I even found a 38 00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:42,439 stack of games magazines red marker circles around games that 39 00:02:42,599 --> 00:02:47,120 specifically mentioned local co op. This is how he always 40 00:02:47,159 --> 00:02:50,039 managed to find a perfect game for us every time 41 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,120 I skimmed over this in the moment, having not found 42 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:58,439 the presence. They hid so well, but looking back, my 43 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,919 heart breaks knowing how much care he put into this 44 00:03:02,039 --> 00:03:07,840 harby of ours. However, there were times I'd catch him 45 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,280 playing games on his own. He was a PC gamer 46 00:03:11,439 --> 00:03:14,240 born and bred, so that was where i'd find him 47 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,680 playing solo, but he never seemed to put the same 48 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:22,159 energy into finding new games to play. Rather, I'd always 49 00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:26,360 seen him playing games of pixels and numbers, simulation games 50 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:30,560 from his era of gaming. I'd asked to play too, 51 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,080 but he'd always tell me I was too young for 52 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,919 these kinds of games, and that when I was older, 53 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,080 he'd show me how to play them. This always welled 54 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,960 mixed feelings of annoyance in the moment and anticipation for 55 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:49,879 that time to come. But eventually games lost their luster, 56 00:03:51,199 --> 00:03:54,120 no matter how much I played, trying to honor them. 57 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:59,240 In my mind, I was now playing solo. Not seeing 58 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,280 the screensp with another player alongside me was a constant 59 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:07,919 reminder of the pain I was almost exclusively broad up 60 00:04:07,919 --> 00:04:11,639 on split screen CORP experiences. I was never into playing 61 00:04:11,639 --> 00:04:16,920 without my dad, but that's when it hit me. My 62 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,800 father would play solo, but he'd play those weird pixelated 63 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:25,519 simulation games so I had it in my head that 64 00:04:25,639 --> 00:04:28,480 to enjoy those types of games would make me the 65 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:33,680 adult I idolized him as, but I didn't know where 66 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:38,040 to start. He never talked about them, saving that for 67 00:04:38,079 --> 00:04:42,000 a time that would never come. His computer was locked 68 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:46,439 behind a password that was forever lost. So I had 69 00:04:46,439 --> 00:04:51,120 to find these games myself. I took to the best 70 00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:57,000 resource I knew of to solve the greatest mysteries on Earth. Google. 71 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:02,720 I put him buzzwe of what I could remember simulation 72 00:05:02,879 --> 00:05:09,480 games in the single player old and press search. These 73 00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:12,839 words were not very specific, so it yielded a wide 74 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:17,240 variety of stuff, and after hours of scarring each page, 75 00:05:17,759 --> 00:05:20,439 I found a foreign post about a game someone had made, 76 00:05:22,319 --> 00:05:25,639 even though it was made in recent times. The screenshots 77 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,680 they used to advertise it had that retro style I 78 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,160 was looking for. But it wasn't just how it looked. 79 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,639 Something else drew me to this game above all the 80 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:44,920 others that had a similar vibe. Its name Family Simulator. 81 00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:50,000 It boasted an extensive game system that you had to 82 00:05:50,079 --> 00:05:54,199 manage to keep up an ideal family, something I wouldn't 83 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:58,079 have gone for, opting to lean towards shooters, but it 84 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:02,120 was this dichotomy that made me take the plunge. The 85 00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:04,920 instructions were fairly simple for my first time, not just 86 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,519 popping in a disc. It ran through an ex file 87 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:12,639 that did all the decisions for me. As the green 88 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:18,000 bar field, A sudden wave of emotions overcame me. My 89 00:06:18,079 --> 00:06:20,759 father had always kept me from these kinds of games, 90 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,800 always thinking I'd prefer the modern titles he kept up with, 91 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,160 so this really felt like a chance to connect with 92 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:34,560 them post mortem, no matter how little it was. I 93 00:06:34,639 --> 00:06:39,040 launched the game. Initially I was met with a black screen, 94 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,480 and then a studio logo screen. An image of a 95 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:48,560 heart came up alongside the words Famco most likely the 96 00:06:48,639 --> 00:06:52,600 came creator, trying to get their name out there. Nothing 97 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,680 flash your significant, but charming for something probably made by 98 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:02,439 one person. The title screen faced, followed by a basic textbox, 99 00:07:03,439 --> 00:07:08,800 a little line flickering, beckoning me to start writing. The 100 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:15,800 question was simple, tell me about your life. I thought 101 00:07:15,839 --> 00:07:20,319 for a moment I had been asked this a lot 102 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:25,199 by counselors, my grandparents and kids that never cared about 103 00:07:25,199 --> 00:07:29,040 me before they heard the news. A gesture I dismissed 104 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,439 at face value with a blunt I'm fine they should 105 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:37,519 have known the answer, so I felt insulted each time 106 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,839 I was asked. After a while, my grandparents were withdrawn 107 00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:46,399 about asking this, seemingly respecting my decision of maintaining distance, 108 00:07:47,439 --> 00:07:52,720 and yet for some reason that frustrated me too. But 109 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:57,160 looking back, I'd never truly thought about the answer above 110 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:03,079 a simple no, much less answered it honestly. I kept 111 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,439 all of this inside, and it finally bubbled up to 112 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:12,439 a point, the straw that broke the camel's back. I 113 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:19,920 started typing. All the frustration, sadness, envy, jealousy, all of 114 00:08:19,959 --> 00:08:24,560 it was being shoved into this game. Time blurred while 115 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,759 I hashed out my rant. I was putting my soul 116 00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:32,240 into this answer for the first time ever. It felt silly, 117 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,759 even in the moment, knowing I was going at it 118 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:39,600 into some indie game of pixels and text. I didn't 119 00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:41,759 know why I was giving this game so much information 120 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:45,320 about myself, but it felt good to get these feelings 121 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,080 out somewhere where I knew I couldn't be judged. I 122 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,440 could just say my piece and not hear hollow rhetoric 123 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:59,480 about hope and healing, and it felt good. The black 124 00:08:59,519 --> 00:09:04,120 Box a silent listener that I needed something that wouldn't 125 00:09:04,159 --> 00:09:10,039 pity me, but would just listen. I hadn't even gotten 126 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,320 into the game, and I was exhausted. I had tied 127 00:09:13,399 --> 00:09:16,759 out everything I missed about my parents. How I dearly 128 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,840 missed the meals my mother would make, my father taking 129 00:09:19,919 --> 00:09:22,080 me out to a field just to throw a ball around. 130 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:24,559 How he'd show me neat tricks that would have me 131 00:09:24,639 --> 00:09:27,759 barely laughing. The way he would get up five hours 132 00:09:27,759 --> 00:09:29,919 before any of us to tell us that he woke 133 00:09:30,039 --> 00:09:32,519 up early, only to go back to bed a few 134 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:36,440 minutes after informing us. I missed staring at the watch 135 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,480 I gifted my mother, with my dad's help, of course, 136 00:09:40,039 --> 00:09:43,120 that my mother adored when we went out for special occasions, 137 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:46,279 The way they treated me, how much I loved them, 138 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:51,320 how much I missed loving them. Every single minute detail 139 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:58,080 was handed over. The game accepted the information with a 140 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:02,240 satisfying ding sound, and I was sent to another menu, 141 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:09,440 this time character creation. Now I've never been the creative sort, 142 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,519 so I blatantly just made myself. I named myself Alex 143 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,960 set brown hair and brown eyes, a simple white T 144 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:22,440 shirt and jeans. I was also prompted with adding personal 145 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,200 details like my birthday, number of friends, and my likes 146 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:31,200 and dislikes. What I didn't expect was the choice of 147 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,120 a family. It was in as in depth as the 148 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:40,200 character creation itself, only a couple of presets. Preset one 149 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,039 was a woman with red hair, a simple crop top, 150 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:46,080 and some shorts. The men not too dissimilar from my 151 00:10:46,159 --> 00:10:52,679 own outfit. Preset two was they looked like my parents. 152 00:10:54,919 --> 00:10:58,960 It sounds crazy, but it just felt like them. The 153 00:10:59,039 --> 00:11:02,600 models were just ash above simple pixels, but they carried 154 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:06,360 so many of their characteristics I grew to recognize in them. 155 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,879 The jovial look my mother wore on a near constant basis, 156 00:11:10,519 --> 00:11:14,120 my father's stoic stature that exuded the confidence that he 157 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,600 was always trying to pass on to me. It was uncanny. 158 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,200 I was at a bit of a loss. I know 159 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,440 I missed them, but I didn't realize how much I 160 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:31,759 still missed them, even after four years. I mean, for 161 00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:34,480 a second, I had been convinced that these were my 162 00:11:34,559 --> 00:11:38,200 parents in some way. The game was something I was 163 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,799 looking to sing some time into as a distraction, but 164 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:47,320 now it fully captured my attention. I accepted all the 165 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:52,159 settings and the game loaded up. It played a scenic 166 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,159 shot of the house before fading to me in a 167 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,159 room with the family. But as soon as I spawned in, 168 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:05,240 I was shocked with a loud bang. I jumped a 169 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:10,559 little in my seat and my heart raised at the fright. Alex, 170 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,960 go to bed yo of school to morrow. Those games 171 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:18,600 are going to make you sick. It was my grandmother 172 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:22,480 on the other side of my door. I always had 173 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,720 my door locked, so this was how she would communicate 174 00:12:25,759 --> 00:12:29,720 with me. I checked the time and it was already 175 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,399 two a m. As much as I hated to admit it, 176 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:40,039 she was right. But sleep didn't come easy with my 177 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:44,960 curiosity swelling around my head about this new game. Perhaps 178 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,120 I was mistaken, but the thing I had seen as 179 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,320 the game had just loaded in was too much to 180 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,840 be a coincidence. Surely it couldn't have been a mistake. 181 00:12:56,919 --> 00:13:01,279 The setting was a near perfect rendition of the house 182 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,519 I grew up in, the house I was in right now. 183 00:13:06,159 --> 00:13:08,600 The more I thought about it, the more excuses I 184 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:12,360 made to cope. How had the game replicated these things 185 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,799 so perfectly? But it was the room that was what 186 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:20,440 I couldn't explain. I saw a dining room, but the 187 00:13:20,519 --> 00:13:23,919 details were too familiar. The shade of wood on the 188 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:27,960 square dining table, the layout of the cabinets, the door 189 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:32,320 that led to the kitchen. It was almost entirely the same. 190 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:36,639 It could have been coincidence. My house was a common 191 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,399 suburban build with similar layouts in the rows of houses 192 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,919 near me. But it was the layers of coincidences that 193 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:48,519 had me stumped on an explanation. I breathed a sigh 194 00:13:48,559 --> 00:13:51,720 of relief as I realized that I was the one 195 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,600 that handed details over. Perhaps I really had given the 196 00:13:55,639 --> 00:14:01,399 game too much information. This thought didn't entirely settle me, 197 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:06,480 but it eased my mind enough to get some sleep. 198 00:14:14,399 --> 00:14:17,720 I rose out of bed with a heavy groan. I 199 00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:21,159 looked over my clock and bolted awake. Seeing that I 200 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:25,000 missed my first alarm, I quickly got up and rushed 201 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:30,360 my morning routine. As I boarded the bus, I prepared 202 00:14:30,399 --> 00:14:35,559 mentally for another crueling day of education. School was meant 203 00:14:35,559 --> 00:14:38,720 to be an escape, at least that's what I was told, 204 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,279 and place where you kick back with your friends and 205 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:48,080 get into little adventures, all while building your future. For me, 206 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:54,240 though that couldn't be further from the truth. I was 207 00:14:54,279 --> 00:14:58,159 an outcast, no small fault of my own, and I 208 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:04,360 refused to socialize. I couldn't when I started high school. 209 00:15:04,799 --> 00:15:08,320 It was not long after the incident. My only thought 210 00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:12,279 was if only I could speak to them one last time. 211 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:16,600 This floated in my head as my peers attempted to 212 00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:20,519 make conversation with me. By the time I realized I'd 213 00:15:20,559 --> 00:15:23,960 made myself alone, the cliques were formed, and I was 214 00:15:24,039 --> 00:15:29,919 labeled as a quiet, weird kid, a prime target for harassment. 215 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,759 Arriving at class, I was reminded of the grim reality 216 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,240 I was facing the thing I dreaded for a week, 217 00:15:40,879 --> 00:15:46,720 group assignments. I attempted to weasele myself into a group, 218 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,960 but of course Jonathan and his bodies ensured that I 219 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:55,519 would achieve no such thing. The truth was that Jonathan 220 00:15:55,759 --> 00:15:59,200 was just as insecure as I was, but the difference 221 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,720 was that he projected his much louder than anyone else, 222 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:08,240 and I was the conduit for his emotional baggage. The 223 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,519 teacher saw me alone and exclaimed that whoever I had 224 00:16:11,559 --> 00:16:15,879 no group, would take a test instead. He spoke like 225 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,279 he was talking to the class, but he was obviously 226 00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:24,279 just about me. I sat in the corner of the classroom, 227 00:16:24,639 --> 00:16:29,120 away from everyone else, But instead of getting on with 228 00:16:29,159 --> 00:16:33,120 the test, I started to dwell on the game again. 229 00:16:34,919 --> 00:16:39,120 I could easily chalk everything down to coincidence, but what 230 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:44,679 if it wasn't Could I speak with them again? The 231 00:16:44,759 --> 00:16:48,240 notion was absurd. Thinking my parents was somehow in that 232 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:53,399 game was an impossibility, But with so much unresolved, there 233 00:16:53,399 --> 00:16:56,240 was an irrational part of me that wanted to believe 234 00:16:56,320 --> 00:17:01,679 it was true. I on the test with how distracted 235 00:17:01,679 --> 00:17:06,319 I was, and school couldn't end any sooner. But I 236 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:11,960 knew it wasn't over yet. Jonathan had a knack for 237 00:17:12,039 --> 00:17:17,119 finding blind spots from authority. Somehow, he'd always catch me alone, 238 00:17:17,559 --> 00:17:20,519 despite my best attempts at staying within eyeshot of people, 239 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,599 though this sometimes didn't even help when other kids would 240 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,039 just turn a blind eye to his outbursts. The only 241 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:33,279 constant was me. A slap here, a slap there. I'd 242 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,839 learned to ignore them, but in my already emotional state, 243 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:44,039 I ran crying when I got home. My eyes had 244 00:17:44,079 --> 00:17:47,839 already run dry. As I entered through the front door, 245 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,599 my grandmother greeted me, how a school to day, honey, 246 00:17:53,359 --> 00:17:58,920 she soothed. Despite her soft tone, the sadness quickly turned 247 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:03,079 to frustration. I shrugged her off with a plunt. It 248 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:07,319 was fine, and I ran past her. Rushing past the kitchen, 249 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:12,759 a glint caught my eye, a watch. I didn't have 250 00:18:12,799 --> 00:18:16,240 time to check. I needed to get back on the game. 251 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,720 I slammed my door shut and latched the bolt. I 252 00:18:21,759 --> 00:18:25,720 booted up the game and was loaded in. It was 253 00:18:25,799 --> 00:18:30,359 me in my own house with my parents, and it 254 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:38,240 was everything I had always wanted. My pixelated character walked 255 00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:41,359 over to my mother, and as I got close to her, 256 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:49,119 a black square appeared. Press enter to interact how a 257 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:53,200 school today? Honey popped up, followed by a box I 258 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:59,200 could type in this question again. I'd grown to hate 259 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,599 this question. The people had asked this never seemed to 260 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,160 actually care about my well being, more so just going 261 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:11,119 through the motions of conversation. But I felt safe opening 262 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,279 up in this game. The disconnect helped me disassociate from 263 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:19,240 judgment before, so I wanted to try it again, even 264 00:19:19,279 --> 00:19:23,160 if to just vent privately. This is where the game 265 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:27,200 became my escape, another reality where everything was as it 266 00:19:27,319 --> 00:19:32,359 was always meant to be. Jonathan keeps bullying me. The 267 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,160 Kitten class despise me, and I can't even muster rub 268 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,880 the effort to stand up for myself, because in all honesty, 269 00:19:39,759 --> 00:19:44,000 it's the path I chose. I miss you, ma'am. I 270 00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:46,559 wish you were here to guide me, to comfort me. 271 00:19:49,519 --> 00:19:52,680 As soon as I sent the message, she instantly responded, 272 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:57,680 I see, sweetie, Mammy is here for you. Your father 273 00:19:57,759 --> 00:20:04,039 and I missed you so dearly. The NBC responded, I 274 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:07,799 felt warm. Those were the words that I had been 275 00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:12,279 craving and craving that my grandparents, no matter their efforts, 276 00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:18,000 could never satisfy. The dialog option disappeared, and with it, 277 00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:22,720 so did my ability to interact with her. The sadness 278 00:20:22,799 --> 00:20:25,920 lingered over the fact that the interaction was so short, 279 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:31,160 but I wanted to see more. I decided I'd take 280 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,680 some time and explore the house and maybe see if 281 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,880 I could interact with her father too. I walked down 282 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:44,079 the corridor of my childhood home towards my father's office. 283 00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:47,160 I prompt appeared, asking me if I wanted a knock 284 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:51,240 on the office door, and I accepted. He called to 285 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,680 come in, and the screen faded out and back in 286 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:59,480 to us in the office. In reality, it was now 287 00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:04,039 a room for boxes still unpacked from my grandparents moving in, 288 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:08,759 But here the room was back to life. My father 289 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,920 sat at his desk, which spent the majority of the 290 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:17,119 small offices with This time, the conversation began without a 291 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:21,400 need for me to initiate any prompts. The words of 292 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:27,000 my MPC father flashed across the screen. Hey, Champ, everything 293 00:21:27,039 --> 00:21:31,519 all right. No textbox came up for me to type in, 294 00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:35,000 he staid. This time I was met with two choices, 295 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:41,519 yes and no. After the talk with the mother, I 296 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,680 was feeling a lot better, so I chose the first option. 297 00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:51,000 That's great to hear, Champ, he responded. This made me smile. 298 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,279 Though he would cycle through nicknames and titles to call me, 299 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,279 Champ was sometimes one of them. It might have been 300 00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:02,319 added as a clear shay, but even as a coincidence, 301 00:22:02,839 --> 00:22:07,279 it still made me happy. Then the NBC asked me 302 00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:11,240 if I wanted to play ball with him. Even though 303 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,319 I knew was or virtual, there was still a small 304 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,799 excitement at the idea of playing ball with my dad again. 305 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,440 The screen faded to black and we were in the yard. 306 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,559 We passed the ball around for a few minutes, the 307 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,880 game looking like nothing more than a PowerPoint presentation animation 308 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:35,079 but in its own way it was endearing. Sleep came 309 00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,519 easier this time, for the first time in recent years. 310 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:44,279 I was fulfilled, as if I had felt parental connections again, 311 00:22:45,039 --> 00:22:50,279 even if only virtually. Still, some moneyes set in as 312 00:22:50,279 --> 00:22:54,200 I contemplated the legitimacy of the interactions I just had, 313 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:58,480 if there was simply the execution of basic code or 314 00:22:58,519 --> 00:23:03,039 something more. In the moment, I was absorbed with trying 315 00:23:03,039 --> 00:23:06,759 to connect to my parents, but lying in bed, I 316 00:23:06,839 --> 00:23:10,359 was debating whether feeling satisfied emotionally from a bunch of 317 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:19,440 pixels was healthy. The next morning, as I rushed through 318 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,119 the house to catch the bus, I noticed my father's 319 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:28,200 office door was slightly ajar. I'm not a superstitious person, 320 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,359 but that room was not in use by my grandparents 321 00:23:31,559 --> 00:23:36,000 or myself. It was, for all intents and purposes, a 322 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:41,200 storage room. I gently pushed the door open, and the 323 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,680 first thing I noticed was that the boxes had been rearranged, 324 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,160 as if whoever had moved them needed space for something. 325 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:54,720 Then I saw it, a ball lying in the middle 326 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,920 of the room. The move boxes could be explained away. 327 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:03,960 The ball being there made my head spin with questions. 328 00:24:04,799 --> 00:24:07,039 It looked uncanny to the one i'd just seen in 329 00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:11,200 the game, not identical, but too close to be written off. 330 00:24:13,519 --> 00:24:16,359 The call from downstairs had me pull away from the scene. 331 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,119 I was already running late, and then the bus wouldn't 332 00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:24,440 wait forever. I gave the room one more look before leaving, 333 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,839 the snapshot replaying in my head the whole day at school, 334 00:24:31,079 --> 00:24:36,680 Another arduous day of school, more isolation, more pointless assignments, 335 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:43,119 more Jonathan. Getting home couldn't come any faster. When I 336 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,640 got home, I tried going straight to my room, but 337 00:24:46,799 --> 00:24:51,440 was stopped. My grandmother deliberately placed herself in the way 338 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,559 of the stairs, making sure I couldn't get past without 339 00:24:54,599 --> 00:25:00,839 hearing what she wanted to say. First, Alex worried about you. 340 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:03,960 We thought giving you space the heel would help, but 341 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,039 every day you've just shut yourself in your room. I 342 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:13,599 know you missed them. We missed them too. My grandfather 343 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,240 stepped around the corner and joined her side. He wasn't 344 00:25:17,279 --> 00:25:19,839 on his feet much in his age, having waited for 345 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,759 my grandmother to start as he joined. How can you 346 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,359 know how I feel. You're not my parents, I yelled back, 347 00:25:27,759 --> 00:25:33,920 my emotional bottle bobbling. Did my surprise this didn't elicit 348 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:40,039 anger from my grandparents. Rather, their faces turned soft. Look 349 00:25:40,079 --> 00:25:43,359 at us, we're old. You don't think our parents are 350 00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:49,559 gone too, But you're forgetting something. They were your parents, sure, However, 351 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,039 they were our kids, our daughter and son in law. 352 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,240 We loved them, and every day we hurt without them too. 353 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:02,279 My grandmother soothed, we raised them good, and we can 354 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,119 raise you good. You just have to let us in. 355 00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:11,680 My grandfather added. I soaked in what they said, but 356 00:26:11,759 --> 00:26:16,119 I closed it off. It wasn't the same, it would 357 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:20,359 never be the same. So, with my eyes welling, I 358 00:26:20,519 --> 00:26:25,279 just ran to my room and locked myself in. After 359 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:29,400 sulking on my bed, I was left with silence. I 360 00:26:29,519 --> 00:26:32,400 hated being with my thoughts, so I turned to the 361 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:38,680 noise I used to drown them out. The game. He 362 00:26:38,799 --> 00:26:41,400 loaded it in, and I was back with my family. 363 00:26:42,519 --> 00:26:45,720 My mother greeted me, and I welcomed this much better 364 00:26:45,839 --> 00:26:51,079 than how I felt cornered earlier. However, instead of a conversation, 365 00:26:51,839 --> 00:26:54,880 she simply told me to wait where I was, so 366 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:59,440 my character sat at the table. My father came in 367 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:03,039 and said some comments about work, something he'd always do, 368 00:27:03,759 --> 00:27:06,640 regardless of if I understood what he was talking. About 369 00:27:06,799 --> 00:27:11,079 or not, but I didn't mind. It was always nice 370 00:27:11,079 --> 00:27:15,680 to hear him talk. Soon, my mother came back in. 371 00:27:16,839 --> 00:27:21,680 Her outfit had changed a more fancier apparel instead of 372 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,880 normal house clothes. She wore a red dress and her 373 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,440 hair was made up into a bun. Her arms were bare, 374 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:34,039 which is how I spotted something that stood out in 375 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:36,960 the game. It looked like a few red pixels with 376 00:27:37,039 --> 00:27:42,759 a yellow dot in the middle, unmistakably a watch, and 377 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:48,440 my heart was in my throat. It was uncanny to 378 00:27:48,519 --> 00:27:50,880 the watch my father and I had gotten her for 379 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:56,279 a birthday, red band with a gold face. It really 380 00:27:56,359 --> 00:28:00,680 was them. My eyes bald hard trying to take this in. 381 00:28:02,279 --> 00:28:06,000 We have a surprise for you, she said, And I 382 00:28:06,079 --> 00:28:09,799 knew what it was before I saw it, because I 383 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:15,319 smelled it. The smell of cake wafted it in and 384 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:21,440 I instantly recognized it a black forest ghatto, the cake 385 00:28:21,599 --> 00:28:25,720 she always made me for my birthday. In the game, 386 00:28:25,839 --> 00:28:27,960 she bawled it out and set it on the table, 387 00:28:28,559 --> 00:28:32,640 candles already set on top. I checked the date on 388 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,920 the bottom right and completely forgot what day it was. 389 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:42,160 I hadn't celebrated my birthday since they passed my grandparents 390 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,960 tried to, but I always dismissed it. It was hard 391 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:50,000 to think of my birthday as a celebration without my parents. 392 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,119 A jingle played to the tune of the Birthday song, 393 00:28:53,599 --> 00:28:57,920 and confetti flew around the room. My parents looked elated 394 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,880 as my character blew out the candle, something I wouldn't 395 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,759 have been able to do in my current heaving state. 396 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,720 But the smell lingered longer than I thought. At first, 397 00:29:10,799 --> 00:29:13,119 I thought it was my emotions getting the better of me, 398 00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:18,519 but there was the unmistakable smell of cake in my room. 399 00:29:19,839 --> 00:29:24,119 Happy Birthday sun. They both exclaimed, we want to take 400 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,640 you out for your birthday our treat. My mother said, 401 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:30,920 pick any place you want. Where do you want to go? 402 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:36,440 My dad asked. A textbox appeared, prompting me to type 403 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:42,720 in an answer. I contemplated the answer. My first thought 404 00:29:42,839 --> 00:29:47,720 was KFC. I know it's cheap junk food, but for 405 00:29:47,799 --> 00:29:50,200 some reason, it was a bit of a family tradition, 406 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:55,319 though it might have been an indicator of our financial status. 407 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,119 But I thought about it more deeper than what the 408 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:05,640 game was, asking where did I truly want to go? Well, 409 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,839 the answer would be to be with my parents, So 410 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,319 I typed in the place then everyone had told me 411 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:20,319 where they went Heaven. That's a wonderful choice, son, they exclaimed. 412 00:30:20,759 --> 00:30:24,599 Grab your thing, son, Let's go there, my dad said. 413 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:32,839 Then the screen faded to black, then crashed. My heart raised. 414 00:30:33,599 --> 00:30:37,640 No no, no, no no, I muttered to myself, had nauseum. 415 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:40,759 I slapped the side of my monitor, knowing, damn well, 416 00:30:40,759 --> 00:30:45,359 it wouldn't do a thing. I was so close. My 417 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:48,599 heart was setting the idea that I'd somehow see them again. 418 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:53,920 But in the silence, I started to think about it. 419 00:30:55,559 --> 00:30:58,599 What if this was something they were telling me? The 420 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,799 last thing they were telling me felt like the game. 421 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:07,319 To get to where I needed to go, something had 422 00:31:07,359 --> 00:31:13,599 to end. Life. Life is what needs to end to 423 00:31:13,599 --> 00:31:17,200 get to Heaven, the place I wanted to be to 424 00:31:17,279 --> 00:31:22,640 be with them. I looked around my room, then remembered something. 425 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,880 When they passed, I snuck into my dad's office and 426 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:30,079 took his old letter opener a drink it he'd show 427 00:31:30,079 --> 00:31:33,240 off to me to open mail. He'd sometimes let me 428 00:31:33,319 --> 00:31:37,640 use it myself, which my mother didn't approve of. It 429 00:31:37,759 --> 00:31:39,759 was too sharp for a child to be playing with. 430 00:31:41,039 --> 00:31:44,400 But as I slid it out of my drawer, hidden 431 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:49,160 away from my grandparents. I looked at it. Would it 432 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:54,279 get the job done? I put it down. This was ridiculous. 433 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:58,000 I tried to talk myself out of it, but each 434 00:31:58,119 --> 00:32:03,039 rationality was answered with retal. I was unhappy, I had 435 00:32:03,119 --> 00:32:08,319 no friends, I had no family, I was alone, so 436 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:12,640 why not join them? Even if it didn't work, it 437 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:16,559 would put me out of my misery. I stared at 438 00:32:16,559 --> 00:32:21,319 the blade, deep in thought, and was ripped out of 439 00:32:21,359 --> 00:32:28,519 it with a loud bang. Alex, can you get out here? Please? 440 00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:33,119 Here was my grandmother on the other side of the 441 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:37,440 locked door. The shuffling footsteps I could hear catching up 442 00:32:37,759 --> 00:32:41,759 must have been my grandfather. They had no idea what 443 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,359 I was up to. There was no way for them 444 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,279 to know, so they must have been just bothering me. 445 00:32:49,319 --> 00:32:52,279 My eyes returned to the knife once more, the thoughts 446 00:32:52,359 --> 00:32:56,000 coming back, yet I was ripped from it yet again 447 00:32:56,079 --> 00:33:00,359 with bangs, more of them this time. If you don't 448 00:33:00,359 --> 00:33:03,279 want to come out, can you at least let us in? 449 00:33:05,039 --> 00:33:09,759 This was new They never tried twice. The door acted 450 00:33:09,799 --> 00:33:13,240 like a voicemail. They'd say their message, then leave me 451 00:33:13,319 --> 00:33:19,079 to respond to it, or not let us in. Those 452 00:33:19,119 --> 00:33:23,079 words lingered in my head. I always went to them, 453 00:33:23,759 --> 00:33:27,559 but I never let them in. This was my space 454 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,599 I'd carved out for myself, and I used it to 455 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:37,079 keep everyone out. This was the choice I had go 456 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:40,640 through with a plan to see my parents or see 457 00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:45,599 what they wanted, and it was the hardest choice of 458 00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:51,359 my life. The silence of the room weighed down on me, 459 00:33:51,759 --> 00:33:55,880 and my breath shallowed. Could I make it quick? How 460 00:33:55,920 --> 00:34:00,880 painful would it be? Would I actually see them? But 461 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,279 the lingering thought was if I could do it with 462 00:34:03,359 --> 00:34:07,119 my grandparents on the other side of the door. So 463 00:34:07,759 --> 00:34:11,360 I went with the second option to see what they wanted. 464 00:34:13,559 --> 00:34:18,239 I hid the knife and slowly unlocked the door. Stood 465 00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:25,800 outside with my grandparents big grins on their faces. Happy birthday, Alex, 466 00:34:26,559 --> 00:34:31,360 they said. Enthused, I didn't know how to respond, and 467 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:35,159 they continued, I know you don't like to celebrate, but 468 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:39,760 we have something special for you. Come with us, my 469 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:45,000 grandmother said, So I did, my mind, too foggy to 470 00:34:45,039 --> 00:34:51,159 do otherwise. They led me to the kitchen and in 471 00:34:51,199 --> 00:34:55,679 the middle sat a cake, an exact replica of my 472 00:34:55,760 --> 00:35:04,480 mother's black Forest gatto. This opened me up. What how, 473 00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:08,880 how did you why? I was too stunned to form 474 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:14,159 a question, too many of them flying through my mind. Remember, Alex, 475 00:35:14,639 --> 00:35:17,679 she had to learn it from somewhere. Making this cake 476 00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:20,320 for your mother was a tradition that started with me, 477 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,239 she said proudly. I got something for you too, Alex. 478 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:29,159 My grandfather wheezed the walk from the stairs, taking the 479 00:35:29,159 --> 00:35:33,079 wind out of him. He hobbled over with a box 480 00:35:33,599 --> 00:35:38,159 wrapped in a red ribbon. I looked at it, not 481 00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:41,880 having any idea what they could have gotten me. They 482 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:45,000 didn't know me, not in a personal way, to not 483 00:35:45,039 --> 00:35:49,199 get me something generic. But I couldnt not open it 484 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:53,199 with them watching me, So I slipped the ribbon off 485 00:35:53,559 --> 00:35:59,480 and looked. And what was inside it was something that 486 00:35:59,559 --> 00:36:03,079 made my headlight from shock, needing to have to sit 487 00:36:03,159 --> 00:36:08,440 down after seeing it. It was a watch with a 488 00:36:08,519 --> 00:36:16,159 red strap and a gold face. My mother's watch? Is this? 489 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:21,960 I started, not having the energy to finish asking yes. 490 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:26,440 After the investigation, the police held on to it for evidence. 491 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,199 It took a while to get it back, but when 492 00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:31,840 I did, I had it restored to give you on 493 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:37,920 a special occasion. My grandfather answered, I have something else too. 494 00:36:38,119 --> 00:36:42,039 My grandfather added, he built his arm from behind his 495 00:36:42,119 --> 00:36:45,880 back and pulled out the ball i'd seen in the office, 496 00:36:46,159 --> 00:36:47,800 like the one my dad used to have when he 497 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:51,800 played with me. I've been practicing some tricks in the 498 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:55,760 old office. Bet you didn't notice. I'm not as good 499 00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:58,119 as your old man, But he showed me some of 500 00:36:58,159 --> 00:37:03,400 the basics. He smuggled announced. He twirled it around and 501 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:06,079 tried to catch it as it span, but it caught 502 00:37:06,079 --> 00:37:09,679 his knuckle at a funny angle and bounced wildly away, 503 00:37:10,119 --> 00:37:15,400 almost hitting the cake. My grandmother's friendly demeanor dropped as 504 00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:18,639 she shot him the dirtiest look at almost ruining the cake, 505 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:22,679 which made me do something I thought i'd lost the 506 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:29,039 ability to do. I laughed. It poured out of me 507 00:37:30,199 --> 00:37:35,440 years of pain leaking as joy took its place. Here 508 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:41,480 they were. They were not my parents, nor could they be. However, 509 00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:46,440 they knew that and loved me all the same. They 510 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:50,119 were never trying to replace them. They were just picking 511 00:37:50,199 --> 00:37:55,400 up where they left off. And I realized that I 512 00:37:55,440 --> 00:38:00,800 didn't have to be alone, and from then on I 513 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:02,880 always let them in.