WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.080 --> 00:00:09.960 Look out, we come all the things, beat it on 2 00:00:10.039 --> 00:00:16.600 the bottom. All I want is you. You're my favorite view. 3 00:00:17.800 --> 00:00:23.480 But there's nothing move. 4 00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:23.800 And we are back. 5 00:00:24.120 --> 00:00:25.760 Welcome back, bumble bitches. 6 00:00:26.320 --> 00:00:29.679 Today we're gonna be going over borderline personality disorder and abuse. 7 00:00:29.800 --> 00:00:31.960 What it looks like to be with somebody who has 8 00:00:32.039 --> 00:00:35.479 borderline that is unchecked. We could say, somebody that has 9 00:00:35.479 --> 00:00:38.759 done nothing to start doing the things necessary to heal themselves. 10 00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:42.079 And this is a document that I put together and 11 00:00:42.119 --> 00:00:44.359 we are going to read it. And my lovely wife 12 00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:46.159 is going to interrupt me when she feels the need 13 00:00:46.200 --> 00:00:46.560 to do so. 14 00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:47.960 All right, all right. 15 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:51.000 One of the biggest mistakes that people make when talking 16 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:54.679 about borderline personality disorder is swinging to one of two extremes. 17 00:00:55.359 --> 00:00:57.960 Either they believe someone is simply mentally ill and can't 18 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:01.159 help what they do, or they believe everyone BPD is abusive. 19 00:01:01.359 --> 00:01:05.200 Neither position is accurate. A diagnosis describes a collection of 20 00:01:05.239 --> 00:01:08.879 symptoms and patterns. It does not determine a person's character. 21 00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:14.000 It doesn't tell you whether someone is honest, compassionate, manipulative, accountability, accountable, 22 00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:17.400 excuse me, or committed to growth. Those qualities come from 23 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:20.599 the individual and not the diagnosis. I've met people with 24 00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:23.359 BPD who are incredibly self aware. They know their triggers, 25 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:26.439 They recognize when they're beginning to spiral, they apologize when 26 00:01:26.439 --> 00:01:31.040 they've hurt someone. They go to therapy consistently, They practice DBT, 27 00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:35.439 which is dialectic behavioral therapy. They journal, they ask for feedback, 28 00:01:35.480 --> 00:01:37.959 They work every day to become safer people to love. 29 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:40.879 I've also seen people who use the diagnosis as a 30 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:45.000 permission slip, where every outburst, every accusation, and every broken 31 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:48.159 boundary gets explained with you know how my BPD is. 32 00:01:49.079 --> 00:01:52.040 Those two are completely different people, and a diagnosis can 33 00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:57.079 be a diagnosis can explain the behavior, but it never excuses. 34 00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:01.120 It anything that know how my BPD is. 35 00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:04.400 If I'm trying to have a conversation with somebody, right, 36 00:02:04.480 --> 00:02:06.640 this is a This is a relationship with somebody that 37 00:02:06.680 --> 00:02:10.000 I care about, Like my husband, the perfect example, who 38 00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:13.639 has borderline and we're having a conversation. He has a 39 00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:15.960 super and I'm making this up. He has a super 40 00:02:15.960 --> 00:02:19.960 explosive reaction and he calls me a name and tells 41 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:25.759 me that I'm crazy, slams the door, calls his best 42 00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:28.000 friend and inserts telling his best friend that I'm a bitch, 43 00:02:28.879 --> 00:02:31.280 and I'm trying to have a conversation with my husband 44 00:02:31.319 --> 00:02:33.599 after the fact, right, I'm in myself mad. 45 00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:37.960 Trying to have a conversation with about that. After the fact. 46 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:43.080 I'm saying things like, I understand how you got upset, 47 00:02:44.039 --> 00:02:47.919 I'm making room for you to give me your experience 48 00:02:47.960 --> 00:02:50.159 and all those kinds of things. And then I tell 49 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:55.680 you that your reaction right, because that was not a response. 50 00:02:55.800 --> 00:03:00.400 Your reaction was vastly inappropriate, and that is not how 51 00:03:00.520 --> 00:03:03.199 I want to be treated by my husband. And my 52 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:05.280 husband hits me with, well, that's you know how my 53 00:03:05.360 --> 00:03:08.560 borderline works. I can't think of a nice way to 54 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:11.879 say it. That just sounds stupid to me. Yeah, that's right. 55 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:14.639 Like I want to tell my eight year old son 56 00:03:14.719 --> 00:03:20.120 try again, right, that that's not the answer. That's not 57 00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:22.960 I mean, it is a answer, but in a mature 58 00:03:23.199 --> 00:03:27.560 adult relationship circumstance, right, it doesn't have to be a marriage. 59 00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:32.159 We're trying to have in depth problem solving conversations here, 60 00:03:32.199 --> 00:03:35.759 not pointing fingers while we're playing four square? 61 00:03:36.759 --> 00:03:37.680 Did that paint the picture? 62 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:37.840 Well? 63 00:03:37.919 --> 00:03:38.120 Enough? 64 00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:39.319 Did? So? 65 00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:43.960 It's an important distinction to make because BPD itself does 66 00:03:44.000 --> 00:03:50.159 not cause abuse. Abuse is a pattern of behavior involving control, intimidation, manipulation, 67 00:03:50.360 --> 00:03:54.319 or repeated disregard for another person's well being. Someone with 68 00:03:54.479 --> 00:03:59.639 untreated BPD may become emotionally dysregulated, impulsive, terrified of abandonment, 69 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:05.240 or experience intense distortions during conflict. Those symptoms can absolutely 70 00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:09.719 contribute to abusive behavior if they aren't addressed, but they 71 00:04:09.719 --> 00:04:12.840 can also be managed. Thousands of people with BPD live 72 00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:16.920 very healthy lives because they've accepted responsibility for learning how 73 00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:19.879 their mind works instead of expecting everyone else to adapt 74 00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:23.720 to it. You cannot expect people in your life to 75 00:04:23.879 --> 00:04:27.519 fucking cater to your every whim. You are the center 76 00:04:27.639 --> 00:04:30.800 of your universe, but not the center of the universe, 77 00:04:30.839 --> 00:04:32.839 and we are all supposed to be working together in 78 00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:34.519 this anything. 79 00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:37.680 Nope, just my predator clicks in agreement. 80 00:04:37.839 --> 00:04:40.720 Okay, I can't do it. I tried. 81 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.600 One of the defining features of BPD is emotional intensity. 82 00:04:44.759 --> 00:04:47.879 People often assume that emotions are fake or exaggerated. They're not. 83 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:51.160 The emotions are very real. The nervous system is experiencing 84 00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:55.879 genuine fear, shame, rejection, or abandonment. The problem isn't usually 85 00:04:55.920 --> 00:04:59.680 the feeling. The problem is the interpretation attached to the feeling. 86 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:04.120 This is where emotional reasoning becomes dangerous. Emotional reasoning says 87 00:05:04.199 --> 00:05:08.519 I feel rejected, therefore you rejected me. Healthy thinking says 88 00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:11.000 I feel rejected. Let me slow down and figure out 89 00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:14.560 whether this is actually what happened. Feelings are always real. 90 00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:17.399 They tell us something is happening inside of us. They 91 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:20.279 don't automatically tell us what is happening outside of us. 92 00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:24.319 We tell ourselves stories within seconds, and those stories become 93 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:28.360 our reality very quick. So imagine someone doesn't answer a 94 00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:31.120 text message for a few hours. A person without abandonment 95 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:35.360 sensitivity might assume that they're busy. Someone who's untreated BPD 96 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:39.759 may genuinely experience that silence as evidence that the relationship 97 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:42.720 is ending. Their heart races, their mind begins searching for 98 00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:46.040 proof that they've done something wrong. Before long, they're sending 99 00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:48.959 angry messages, accusing their partner of not caring, or threatening 100 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:52.160 to leave first before they can be abandoned. The emotional 101 00:05:52.240 --> 00:05:58.439 experience is authentic, the conclusion often is not. One reason 102 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:01.399 this happens is because many people would BPD struggle to 103 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:05.040 stable the sense of self, their identity can feel fragile 104 00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:09.040 or inconsistent, so relationships become the place where emotional stability 105 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:12.600 is sought. When the relationship feels threatened, the nervous system 106 00:06:12.680 --> 00:06:16.720 often reacts as though survival itself is threatened. To someone 107 00:06:16.759 --> 00:06:20.920 outside the experience, the reaction can seem wildly disproportionate. To 108 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:24.480 the person experiencing it, it feels completely justified because their 109 00:06:24.519 --> 00:06:26.680 body has already decided they're in danger. 110 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:29.839 The world's not ending, their world is ending. 111 00:06:29.879 --> 00:06:32.720 Fucking right, It is fucking right, it is, And like, 112 00:06:32.879 --> 00:06:35.519 as somebody again, you know, we both have borderline. I 113 00:06:35.639 --> 00:06:37.240 used to have people that I had to call when 114 00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:39.120 I was feeling something to be like, hey, this is 115 00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:40.680 what's going on in my life. I need to know 116 00:06:40.680 --> 00:06:43.800 if I'm overreacting or not, because my response to the 117 00:06:44.120 --> 00:06:48.319 situation felt very, very justified because what I was feeling. 118 00:06:48.800 --> 00:06:50.720 The reality is is most people would hear what I 119 00:06:50.759 --> 00:06:51.959 was going through and be like, it's not really that 120 00:06:52.000 --> 00:06:53.319 big of a deal, bro, And like I would have 121 00:06:53.399 --> 00:06:56.079 to talk myself of a ledge and then have to 122 00:06:56.079 --> 00:06:57.560 work through what I was going through to make it 123 00:06:57.600 --> 00:07:00.759 so that I wasn't fucking flying off the handle that 124 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:05.079 survival response often activates familiar trauma patterns. Some people fight, 125 00:07:05.240 --> 00:07:08.439 some people flee, some shut down, some desperately seek reassurance. 126 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:12.680 These reactions aren't necessarily conscious choices in the moment. They 127 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:16.279 are automatic responses learned through years of emotional pain. But 128 00:07:16.439 --> 00:07:19.720 automatic doesn't mean permanent. One of the goals of therapy 129 00:07:19.800 --> 00:07:23.639 is creating enough awareness that a person begins interrupting those 130 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:28.360 automatic reactions before they become destructive. That's what progress actually 131 00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:31.759 looks like. It isn't never getting triggered. It isn't becoming 132 00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:35.079 emotionally perfect. It's reducing the time between the trigger and 133 00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:39.240 the accountability. Someone may still feel overwhelming fear, but instead 134 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:42.399 of sending twenty angry text messages, they pause, They use 135 00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:45.040 grounding techniques, They check the facts, They wait until their 136 00:07:45.040 --> 00:07:49.240 nervous system settles before responding, and then the emotions. The 137 00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:54.480 emotions haven't disappeared, but the behavior will change. Another concept 138 00:07:54.600 --> 00:07:58.120 is often associated with BPD is something called splitting. Splitting 139 00:07:58.199 --> 00:08:00.759 is the tendency to see people in extreme someone is 140 00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:04.519 either completely wonderful or completely terrible, depending on the emotional 141 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.480 experience of the moment. Yesterday, your partner was your soulmate. 142 00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:10.759 Today they're selfish, uncaring, and you've never been happy. Tomorrow 143 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:13.920 they're the love of your life again. The partner experiences 144 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:17.279 emotional whiplash because they never know which version of themselves 145 00:08:17.399 --> 00:08:22.800 they're about to encounter. Over time, that unpredictability changes the 146 00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:26.279 person the other person. They begin monitoring every word they say, 147 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:30.480 every facial expression, every change in tone, every delayed response. 148 00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:34.399 They aren't communicating naturally anymore. They're trying to prevent another 149 00:08:34.440 --> 00:08:38.120 emotional explosion. Without realizing it, they've stopped participating in the 150 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:42.559 relationship and started managing someone else's nervous system. This is 151 00:08:42.600 --> 00:08:46.840 where conversations about gaslighting become more nuanced. True gaslighting involves 152 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:51.080 intentionally manipulating a person's perception of reality. Not everyone with 153 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:57.360 BPDS gaslighting, However, someone experiencing intense emotional dysregulation may genuinely 154 00:08:57.399 --> 00:09:01.559 remember events differently because they're emotional state changed how they 155 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:05.720 interpret what happened. They may sincerely believe something occurred that 156 00:09:05.840 --> 00:09:09.639 didn't to the partner, the experience can feel nearly identical 157 00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:14.120 to gaslighting because they're constantly questioning their own memory, rereading messages, 158 00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:17.440 replaying conversations, and wondering if they're losing touch with reality. 159 00:09:18.399 --> 00:09:20.360 We've talked about this on the podcast already. I'm just 160 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:22.120 bringing up again real quick this. This happened to us 161 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:24.600 in Real Time Season one. We were sitting back here 162 00:09:24.639 --> 00:09:27.240 recording when we had the table, and I thought we 163 00:09:27.240 --> 00:09:29.799 were in major conflict, and she went away. We were 164 00:09:29.799 --> 00:09:31.480 done recording and I was editing, and I asked her 165 00:09:31.480 --> 00:09:33.440 to come back here, and she came back and she's 166 00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:35.519 standing next to me, and I played it and she's like, okay, 167 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:38.000 and I'm like, I thought we were fighting, Like I'm mad, 168 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:40.919 Like I'm fucking going through a whole gambit of emotions 169 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:42.720 right now. I really thought that you and I were 170 00:09:42.720 --> 00:09:44.639 in the middle of conflict, and watching it back like 171 00:09:44.720 --> 00:09:47.000 what I believed was happening in my head clearly didn't 172 00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:50.159 fucking happen. This is very real for people who have 173 00:09:50.200 --> 00:09:56.759 borderline our emotional response to things, it's it can create 174 00:09:56.799 --> 00:10:00.159 illusions like we get so overwhelmed and over emotional that 175 00:10:00.279 --> 00:10:03.039 like the stories that we tell ourselves in the moment 176 00:10:03.080 --> 00:10:06.840 becomes so very fucking solidified that that's our truth and 177 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:10.320 it's not it's not always true, And that shit broke me, 178 00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:13.000 Like I fucking cried over that. I always knew that 179 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:15.120 I couldn't trust my emotions, but I didn't know that 180 00:10:15.159 --> 00:10:18.120 it went to that extreme. Having that wake up call 181 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:20.320 to me was unlike anything. It was like I was 182 00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:22.679 living somebody else's life in the moment. It was fucked up. 183 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:27.759 So whether the distortion is intentional or not doesn't erase 184 00:10:27.799 --> 00:10:32.000 the impact. Intent helps explain why something happened. Impact tells 185 00:10:32.080 --> 00:10:35.200 us what damaged it caused, and that's why accountability matters 186 00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:39.039 so much. The healthiest response after conflict isn't proving who 187 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:42.639 was right, it's asking what happened here and what responsibility 188 00:10:42.679 --> 00:10:47.120 belongs to me. Healthy accountability sounds like I understand why 189 00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:49.960 I reacted that way, but I still hurt you and 190 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:53.000 I need to do better. Unhealthy accountability sounds like you 191 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:55.960 know my BPD is or how my BPD is. The 192 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:59.080 first statement uses the diagnosis to create understanding, the second 193 00:10:59.159 --> 00:11:04.600 uses it to avoid accountability. It's the problem anything, Nope, 194 00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:07.159 all right. One of the hardest parts, especially if you've 195 00:11:07.159 --> 00:11:10.039 loved someone with untreated BPD, is separating their pain from 196 00:11:10.080 --> 00:11:13.480 the damage that they cause. You know that they're suffering, 197 00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:16.320 You know their childhood may have been filled with trauma, abandonment, 198 00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:19.960 or neglect. Your empathy grows. At first that feels compassionate. 199 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:23.440 Eventually it becomes self abandonment because you begin accepting behavior 200 00:11:23.480 --> 00:11:26.559 that you would not never tolerate from anyone else. You 201 00:11:26.600 --> 00:11:29.320 stop asking whether the relationship is healthy and start asking 202 00:11:29.399 --> 00:11:32.720 how you can avoid upsetting them. You become hypervigilant. Your 203 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:37.480 emotional world revolves around preventing their next spiral. That's not intimy, 204 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:42.320 it's not intimacy, it's survival. Many people mistake emotional intensity 205 00:11:42.360 --> 00:11:46.279 for emotional closeness, but they are very different things. Intensity 206 00:11:46.320 --> 00:11:50.759 is unpredictable and consuming, and intimacy feels emotionally safe. This 207 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:53.840 is why boundaries are an act of love, not punishment. 208 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:57.399 You can fully understand why someone reacts the way that 209 00:11:57.440 --> 00:12:00.279 they do while still refusing to accept the behavior. You 210 00:12:00.279 --> 00:12:03.600 could acknowledge their abandonment wound and still say you don't 211 00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:06.480 get to scream at me because you're scared. Compassion and 212 00:12:06.519 --> 00:12:10.200 accountability are not opposites, and healthy relationships they exist together. 213 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:12.919 Moving on to the next principle. 214 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:14.720 I just want to say that that last one is 215 00:12:14.759 --> 00:12:17.679 not hard. It's not hard to not yell at you 216 00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:19.519 or to raise my voice here, or to call you 217 00:12:19.600 --> 00:12:24.120 names and all those kinds of things. Can't remember we 218 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:25.759 were listening to a book or reading a book and 219 00:12:25.799 --> 00:12:29.120 they said that the person you're not the You're not 220 00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:31.240 the reason that the person yelled. The person wanted to yell, 221 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:32.919 and they used you as the excuse to do it. 222 00:12:33.039 --> 00:12:34.440 Yeah, it's courage to be disliked. 223 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:37.679 Yes, that was a lot of my borderline. 224 00:12:37.720 --> 00:12:39.639 I'm not going to speak for the world's borderline, but 225 00:12:39.639 --> 00:12:43.399 there is a repetitive pattern that borderline is used in 226 00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:47.159 an excuse to to get away with things because borderlines 227 00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:53.480 developed through trauma. Yeah right, borderline almost said at attendees, 228 00:12:53.559 --> 00:12:57.559 like we're going to events people who have borderline, it 229 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:04.279 is we are victims who slowly transform into abusers, and 230 00:13:04.320 --> 00:13:08.279 it's done as a survival Mechanism's fucked up. It's a 231 00:13:08.279 --> 00:13:11.440 fucked up cycle, but it's definitely something that you can break. 232 00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:13.519 My husband and I both with borderline. We do not 233 00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:15.159 scream at each other. We do not yell at each other. 234 00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:17.679 We do not call each other names. We do not 235 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:20.840 cuss at each other when we're upset. Took a whole 236 00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.840 lot of work though self mastery. Yeah, guys, I'm gonna apologize. Sorry, 237 00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:26.679 I'm gonna apologize about the noise is gonna come through 238 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:29.919 the mic carry is using a screw gun back there. Okay, 239 00:13:29.960 --> 00:13:34.559 so this principle extends far beyond BPD. Depression doesn't excuse cruelty, 240 00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:40.559 ADHD doesn't excuse chronic disrespect, PTSD doesn't excuse violence. Anxiety 241 00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:45.159 does not excuse controlling behavior. Every diagnosis deserves compassion, but 242 00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:48.639 every person remains responsible for what they do with their pain. 243 00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:52.879 I'm gonna read that again. Every person remains responsible for 244 00:13:52.960 --> 00:13:55.759 what they do with their pain. The people I've seen 245 00:13:55.799 --> 00:13:58.600 make the greatest progress aren't the ones whose symptoms disappear. 246 00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:02.080 They're the ones who stopped defending their symptoms. They became 247 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:05.960 curious instead of protective. Instead of asking why can't people 248 00:14:06.039 --> 00:14:09.399 understand me? They began to ask why or what excuse me? 249 00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:11.799 What effect does this have on the people I love? 250 00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:15.639 And that's where healing begins. It's not shame, its ownership. 251 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:18.759 The same is true for the partner. Healing doesn't begin 252 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:21.200 when the other person finally changes. It begins when you 253 00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:25.240 stop abandoning yourself in the name of understanding someone else's diagnosis. 254 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:29.519 You can have endless compassion for another person's wounds without 255 00:14:29.559 --> 00:14:33.159 sacrificing your own well being. Understanding why someone behaves the 256 00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:35.720 way they do should never require you to disconnect from 257 00:14:35.799 --> 00:14:39.720 your own reality. The healthiest relationships aren't built because two 258 00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:42.879 people have no wounds. They're built because people are willing 259 00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:47.799 to take responsibility for what those wounds produce. That's true 260 00:14:47.799 --> 00:14:51.399 whether someone has BPD or no diagnosis at all. Accountability 261 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:54.440 is what turns pain into growth. Without it, pain simply 262 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:58.240 gets passed from one person to the next. Another pattern 263 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:01.200 that people often struggle to understand is how quickly love 264 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:05.759 can seem to transform into punishment and healthy relationships. Conflict 265 00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:08.440 might change how someone feels in the moment, but it 266 00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:12.840 doesn't completely rewrite who their partner is. With untreated BPD, 267 00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:17.039 emotional perception can shift so dramatically that the entire relationship 268 00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:20.360 seems to change in an instant. One day, you're described 269 00:15:20.399 --> 00:15:23.559 as the most understanding, loving, and safe person they've ever known. 270 00:15:23.960 --> 00:15:27.159 A few hours later, your selfish, manipulative, uncaring, or exactly 271 00:15:27.240 --> 00:15:30.240 like everyone else who's ever hurt them. From your perspective, 272 00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:34.639 nothing significant happened from theirs. Everything changed because their emotional 273 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:38.600 experience has changed. This is often connected to what's known 274 00:15:38.639 --> 00:15:43.879 as splitting. Splitting is someone consciously deciding to paint you 275 00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:47.200 as the villain. It's difficulty holding on to two seemingly 276 00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:50.320 opposite truths at the same time. It's hard to believe 277 00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:53.399 that someone can deeply love you while also disappointing you. 278 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:55.919 It's difficult to accept that someone can make a mistake 279 00:15:55.960 --> 00:15:59.200 without becoming a bad person. When emotions become overwhelming, the 280 00:15:59.200 --> 00:16:03.600 minds simplified reality into two extremes. You're either completely safe 281 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:07.159 or completely dangerous, completely loving or rejecting. That black and 282 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:10.639 white thinking can make relationships feel incredibly unstable because your 283 00:16:10.679 --> 00:16:14.320 place within them is constantly shifting. The painful part for 284 00:16:14.360 --> 00:16:16.559 the partner is that they're trying to solve a problem 285 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:19.559 that doesn't actually belong to them. They assume, if I 286 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:22.759 can just explain myself better, or if I can choose 287 00:16:22.759 --> 00:16:26.120 my words more carefully, then maybe the misunderstanding won't happen again, 288 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:29.480 So they begin editing themselves. They think three steps ahead 289 00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:33.159 before speaking. They rehearse difficult conversations in the shower. They 290 00:16:33.200 --> 00:16:36.480 delete text messages before sending them because they worry about 291 00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:39.720 how they will be interpreted. They become less authentic, not 292 00:16:39.840 --> 00:16:42.960 because they're dishonest, but because they're trying to avoid another 293 00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:47.440 emotional explosion. Over time, this creates what people commonly describe 294 00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:50.919 as walking on eggshells. That phrase gets so often, it 295 00:16:50.919 --> 00:16:54.559 gets that phrase gets used so often it loses its meaning. 296 00:16:54.919 --> 00:16:56.519 But if you lived it, you know exactly what it 297 00:16:56.519 --> 00:16:59.279 feels like. You're constantly scanning for danger. You pay attention 298 00:16:59.320 --> 00:17:02.679 to the subtle chain and tone, facial expressions, pauses, and 299 00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:06.200 in conversation, you stop bringing up your own concerns because 300 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:08.599 you already know that the conversation is where it's likely 301 00:17:08.599 --> 00:17:11.400 going to end. Instead of discussing the original issue, you'll 302 00:17:11.400 --> 00:17:14.599 spend the next two hours defending your character, your intentions, 303 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:17.400 or your love for them. Eventually, silence starts feeling like 304 00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:21.000 the safer honesty. I've mentioned splitting and stopped in the 305 00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:23.880 eggshell thing a lot in this document for two reasons. 306 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:26.200 Splitting gets asked about every time we talk about it. 307 00:17:26.440 --> 00:17:28.759 When VPD gets brought up, everybody wants to know it's splitting, 308 00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:30.400 and so it's been mentioned a lot in this document. 309 00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:32.440 And then the eggshell thing is because of the book. 310 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:34.920 Stop walking on eggshells. If you are in a relationship 311 00:17:34.960 --> 00:17:37.519 with somebody who has borderline, you should be reading that book. 312 00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:40.279 It's going to give you a whole lot of information 313 00:17:40.359 --> 00:17:42.559 about the mood swings and how you should handle it 314 00:17:42.559 --> 00:17:45.960 as a partner so that you don't become an authentic 315 00:17:46.079 --> 00:17:49.079 version of you. So the tragedy is that this doesn't 316 00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:53.279 create peace, It creates an emotional isolation. The relationship begins 317 00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:56.640 revolving around one person's nervous system while the other person's 318 00:17:56.640 --> 00:17:59.960 needs slowly disappear. The partner becomes so focused on preventing 319 00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:02.119 in the next crisis that they stop asking for what 320 00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:05.480 they need, their boundaries soft in, their opinions become quieter, 321 00:18:05.559 --> 00:18:10.200 their emotional world shrinks because maintaining stability feels more important 322 00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:13.640 than being understood. The fear of abandonment is another area 323 00:18:13.640 --> 00:18:16.480 that is frequently misunderstood. Most people hear those words and 324 00:18:16.519 --> 00:18:20.240 picture someone simply wanting extra reassurance or needs to hear 325 00:18:20.279 --> 00:18:23.160 I love you more. Often sometimes that's exactly what it 326 00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:26.759 looks like, but untreated abandonment wounds can become much more 327 00:18:26.799 --> 00:18:30.920 controlling because the goal shifts from receiving reassurance to trying 328 00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:36.359 to eliminate uncertainty altogether. That's why seemingly ordinary situations can 329 00:18:36.359 --> 00:18:39.119 become major conflicts. Why are you going out with your friends? 330 00:18:39.200 --> 00:18:41.599 Why didn't you answer your phone? Who were you texting? 331 00:18:41.720 --> 00:18:44.279 Why do you need to be by yourself? Why didn't 332 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:47.359 you tell me sooner? Why do you need space? Individually, 333 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:51.279 none of those questions are inherently unhealthy. Healthy couples ask questions. 334 00:18:51.559 --> 00:18:55.039 Healthy couples seek reassurance. The difference is the frequency and tensity, 335 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:58.559 and whether the questions are actually seeking understanding or trying 336 00:18:58.559 --> 00:19:02.839 to eliminate anxiety. The difficult truth is that uncertainty can 337 00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:06.680 never be completely eliminated. No amount of reassurance permanently heals 338 00:19:06.680 --> 00:19:10.039 an abandonment wound. The relief is temporary because the fear 339 00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:13.759 doesn't originate from the present relationship. Read that again, guys. 340 00:19:14.279 --> 00:19:18.079 The relief is temporary because the fear doesn't or originate 341 00:19:18.319 --> 00:19:22.440 in the present relationship. It originates in older experiences that 342 00:19:22.599 --> 00:19:26.480 taught the nervous system that people leave, love disappears, and 343 00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:30.440 safety cannot be trusted. If those deeper wounds aren't addressed, 344 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:33.119 reassurance becomes like pouring water into a bucket with a 345 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:35.880 fucking hole in the bottom. It helps for a moment, 346 00:19:36.119 --> 00:19:39.240 but soon the anxiety returns and demands even more. 347 00:19:39.279 --> 00:19:40.839 Why am I having such a hard time saying that 348 00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:42.559 I don't know? Moving on? 349 00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:46.680 This is why many partners eventually find themselves trapped in 350 00:19:46.759 --> 00:19:50.480 an impossible cycle. They reassure more, they check in more, 351 00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:52.839 they give up time with friends, they share passwords, they 352 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:56.200 answer every single phone call immediately, they stop asking for space. 353 00:19:56.640 --> 00:20:00.599 For brief period, things improve, then the anxiety, a new 354 00:20:00.680 --> 00:20:04.200 uncertainty to focus on. The standard keeps moving because the 355 00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:06.759 real problem was never your behavior, It was the nervous 356 00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:11.799 system's inability to tolerate not knowing what I'm just pausing 357 00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:16.920 for effect, okay. One of the most heartbreaking dynamics involves 358 00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:21.200 threats of self harm or suicide during relationship conflict. Statements 359 00:20:21.400 --> 00:20:24.119 like statements like if you leave, I don't know what 360 00:20:24.160 --> 00:20:26.000 I'll do where if you loved me, you wouldn't walk 361 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:29.000 away place an enormous emotional burden on the other person. 362 00:20:29.640 --> 00:20:32.759 In those moments, people often become trapped by a question 363 00:20:33.160 --> 00:20:36.839 they can't answer. Is this genuine desperation or is this manipulation? 364 00:20:37.079 --> 00:20:41.680 Are they serious? What if I leave and something actually happens? 365 00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:47.480 I would That's exactly what I've had. I remember one 366 00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:51.400 guy specifically send me pictures of him harming himself because 367 00:20:51.400 --> 00:20:53.599 I didn't want to be with him anymore, and at 368 00:20:53.599 --> 00:20:55.519 that time I didn't. I fucking fed into it, and 369 00:20:55.640 --> 00:20:57.599 I allowed myself to be manipulated and all those kinds 370 00:20:57.599 --> 00:20:58.240 of things. 371 00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:00.599 I should have called the cops. 372 00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:03.680 I should have looked at those photos, been like, Okay, 373 00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:05.240 this is what's happening, and be like, I need a 374 00:21:05.240 --> 00:21:08.240 wellness check. Here's the address. I got photos of them 375 00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:11.440 harming themselves. They say that they're gonna control all delete 376 00:21:12.119 --> 00:21:15.319 check on them please, yep. And if they get Baker acted, 377 00:21:15.480 --> 00:21:18.680 that's not my fault. That is not my fault either. 378 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.480 People who want to use those extremes to try and continue. 379 00:21:22.039 --> 00:21:24.359 To control people fucking need help. 380 00:21:24.559 --> 00:21:24.799 Yep. 381 00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:28.480 That's not how okay human beings behave. 382 00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:30.880 I actually think that's the best thing that you can 383 00:21:30.920 --> 00:21:33.079 do for somebody in one of those situations, because they 384 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:34.279 do clearly need the help. 385 00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:35.200 Yeah. 386 00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:38.880 The reality is that from the partner's perspective, the distinction 387 00:21:39.039 --> 00:21:42.559 often doesn't change what they experience, whether those statements come 388 00:21:42.559 --> 00:21:45.839 from overwhelming panic or a conscious attempt to stop someone 389 00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:49.039 from leaving, the effect is the same. Someone else's safety 390 00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:52.400 becomes your responsibility. Your choices stop being based on what's 391 00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:55.319 healthy and start being based on fear. You remain in 392 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:58.519 situations you know are harming you because you are terrified 393 00:21:58.559 --> 00:22:01.039 of what might happen if you leave. It becomes a 394 00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:06.319 psychological prison that creates an abusive dynamic regardless of intention. 395 00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:08.759 This is one of those places where intent and impact 396 00:22:08.839 --> 00:22:11.480 need to be separated. Intent matters when deciding what kind 397 00:22:11.519 --> 00:22:14.640 of treatment someone needs. A therapist needs to understand whether 398 00:22:14.680 --> 00:22:18.720 the behavior comes from trauma, emotional dysregulation, personality structure, or 399 00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:22.640 something else entirely, but inside of a relationship, impact matters 400 00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:25.880 just as much. If someone repeatedly uses the possibility of 401 00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:29.559