1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:02,839 Speaker 1: Last week I shared with you one of the hardest 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:07,679 videos I've ever made. I talked about something that I'd 3 00:00:07,759 --> 00:00:11,599 hidden for a very long time, even from myself. It 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,439 was buried pretty deep. But what surprised me wasn't how 5 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,920 nervous I was to post it and believe me, I 6 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,280 was nervous. It was how many of you guys wrote 7 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:24,359 back or just commented saying I'm thinking of you, or 8 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,280 I get it, or the big one was I thought 9 00:00:28,399 --> 00:00:30,960 I was the only one that felt that way. Wow, 10 00:00:31,079 --> 00:00:32,840 thank you, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,240 But that got me thinking. Somewhere along the way, I 12 00:00:36,399 --> 00:00:40,679 learned a definition of strength that I carried straight into 13 00:00:40,719 --> 00:00:45,240 retirement and never once questioned. So I started asking myself, 14 00:00:45,799 --> 00:00:50,200 what else have I believed about handling it? Well, isn't 15 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,079 actually true? Hmm. So looking back, I think I can 16 00:00:54,119 --> 00:00:58,640 count at least six lies I suppose that I believed, 17 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,920 and probably still do it sometimes I'm working on them. 18 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,159 But lies that shaped how I thought retirement was supposed 19 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,840 to look and how I was supposed to feel in it. 20 00:01:08,079 --> 00:01:11,760 Now these lies aren't or these lies weren't said to 21 00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:15,480 me directly. Nobody sat me down and told me these things. 22 00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:18,920 They're kind of more like maybe assumptions that I picked 23 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,079 up along the way and really never thought to check 24 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:25,400 until this year, when real life just didn't ask permission 25 00:01:25,599 --> 00:01:30,159 before showing up. Darn it. So here are the six 26 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:33,359 lies that I believed about strength that I brought with 27 00:01:33,439 --> 00:01:37,640 me straight into retirement. Hi, I'm more into Branski. This 28 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:41,239 is life starts at retirement, so let's get into it. 29 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:47,000 Lie Number one, strong people don't struggle. This is the 30 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,439 one I think that is underneath all of the other lies. 31 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,480 Somewhere along the line, I picked up the idea that 32 00:01:52,519 --> 00:01:55,680 being strong meant not struggling, that if I were tough enough, 33 00:01:55,719 --> 00:01:58,959 if I were capable enough, together enough, the hard stuff 34 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,879 just wouldn't touch me the same way. So for a 35 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,959 long time, a long time, if I was struggling, my 36 00:02:05,439 --> 00:02:10,960 first thought wasn't this is hard? My first thought was 37 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,560 what's wrong with me? Oh? My goodness. But I'm coming 38 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:20,639 to learn that's backwards. Strength is never about struggling or 39 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,800 not struggling. Strength is not about not struggling. It's about 40 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,879 what you do when you're in it. And I couldn't 41 00:02:26,919 --> 00:02:31,879 see that much until I actually let myself struggle out loud. 42 00:02:32,479 --> 00:02:36,520 So here's what I think I know now. Strong people 43 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:41,439 do struggle. Struggle is what it feels like to carry 44 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:46,919 something heavy, even when you're carrying it well. A person 45 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:51,400 who's genuinely strong isn't someone who never feels the weight. 46 00:02:52,199 --> 00:02:57,039 There's someone who keeps moving, keeps showing up, keeps functioning 47 00:02:57,479 --> 00:03:02,360 while still feeling and carrying the weight. The struggle itself 48 00:03:02,439 --> 00:03:06,800 isn't evidence that the strength failed. The struggle is often 49 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:11,680 evidence that the strength is actually working, because you're not 50 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:15,199 shutting down, you're not walking away, you're not pretending it's 51 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:21,120 not hard, You're just doing it well, it's hard. Lie 52 00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:24,599 number two. If I'm grateful, who the heck are you? 53 00:03:24,599 --> 00:03:26,560 You don't have the right to struggle. And I think 54 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:29,000 this might be one of the sneakiest lies because it 55 00:03:29,039 --> 00:03:32,120 sounds kind of wise. Be grateful and the hard feelings 56 00:03:32,159 --> 00:03:35,280 will sort them out. Count your blessings, and that heaviness lifts. 57 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,719 Who am I to struggle when other people have it 58 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,560 so much worse? So I need to work on that one. 59 00:03:41,599 --> 00:03:44,120 I am grateful genuinely for my life, for my health, 60 00:03:44,159 --> 00:03:48,800 the people I love. I have a freaking awesome life, 61 00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:53,120 and I still had days this year, and if I'm honest, 62 00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:56,680 every single solitary year that were heavy, no matter how 63 00:03:56,719 --> 00:03:59,879 many things I was grateful for. And I used to 64 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:04,520 think that meant maybe that I was doing gratitude wrong. 65 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:09,840 Turns out I was just doing being a human right 66 00:04:10,719 --> 00:04:14,479 now what I think? I know now gratitude and struggle 67 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,279 aren't opposites. You can be deeply grateful for your life 68 00:04:18,319 --> 00:04:21,360 and still be grieving. You can love your family and 69 00:04:21,399 --> 00:04:24,240 still feel lonely. You can have a beautiful life and 70 00:04:24,319 --> 00:04:28,240 still carry a heavy heart. For years, I thought gratitude 71 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:33,120 meant I wasn't allowed to struggle, And now I honestly think, 72 00:04:33,319 --> 00:04:35,959 or I'm beginning to think that gratitude is what helped 73 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:43,240 me survive the struggle. Wow, okay, lie number three, Retirement 74 00:04:43,319 --> 00:04:46,959 should automatically make me happy. Now we're told this one 75 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,959 constantly by ads, by other people, heck by me on 76 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,040 this channel. You work for decades and now it's your reward. 77 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:59,800 You're supposed to be happy. So when retirement arrived and 78 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:05,439 happiness wasn't automatic, or even happiness came and went when 79 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,959 real life showed up instead with all of its complications, 80 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,160 again I felt like I was doing something wrong, Like 81 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:16,040 I'd been handed this great reward, and somehow I failed 82 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:20,199 to feel rewarded. So what I think now, or what 83 00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:25,240 I think I think now? For years, retirement became my 84 00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:30,319 when I'll slow down when I retire. I'll travel when 85 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,600 I retire, I'll relax when I retire. I'll finally be 86 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:38,439 happy when I retire. Retirement became sort of this destination 87 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,600 where I imagined happiness was waiting for me. But happiness 88 00:05:43,639 --> 00:05:49,680 wasn't just standing there waiting. Life was beautiful life, difficult life, 89 00:05:49,959 --> 00:05:55,120 ordinary life, but still life. Retirement just gives you the 90 00:05:55,279 --> 00:05:59,040 freedom to feel everything a little bit more, not a 91 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:04,480 guarantee that everything will feel good. Wow, lie Number four, 92 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:09,079 needing help means I'm failing. Okay, this is gonna be 93 00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:13,519 probably the toughest one for me to work on. I thought, 94 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,240 and still do many many times, most of the time, 95 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,959 that I have to figure it out by myself. If 96 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,120 I was the one holding things together for my family, 97 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,399 for the people who needed me, then I couldn't also 98 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:30,560 be someone who needed holding it. It wasn't that there 99 00:06:30,639 --> 00:06:33,120 was no room for that. I made sure there was 100 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,759 no room. I didn't allow myself to be the one 101 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,879 who was ever needy because somewhere along the way, I 102 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,959 had promised myself I would never be depressed, I would 103 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,879 never need help, that I was gonna be the strong one. Yeah, 104 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,360 I'm gonna have to work on this one. So what 105 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:53,959 I think I know now needing help was never proof 106 00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:58,199 that I was failing. It was proof that I was 107 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,319 carrying something to heavy to carry alone, which is true 108 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,040 for every single solitary one of us. No matter how 109 00:07:05,079 --> 00:07:08,959 strong we are, we can be someone people can lean 110 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:13,959 on and still need somewhere to set our own weight down. 111 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,040 That's going to be a tough one. Number five. If 112 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:23,240 I say this out loud, it becomes real. And this 113 00:07:23,319 --> 00:07:25,879 is what kept me quiet the longest. Some part of 114 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,120 me believed that as long as I didn't say it, 115 00:07:28,319 --> 00:07:30,759 if I didn't name the struggle out loud, if I 116 00:07:30,759 --> 00:07:35,160 could just keep managing it privately, it would be okay. 117 00:07:35,839 --> 00:07:38,439 Naming it felt like it would make it bigger, make 118 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:42,360 it more real, make it harder to undo. And last 119 00:07:42,439 --> 00:07:44,480 week I finally took the plunge and set it out 120 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,800 loud for the first time on camera to all of you. 121 00:07:48,439 --> 00:07:50,959 And what I found on the other side wasn't the 122 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:55,240 collapse that I was afraid of. It was hundreds of 123 00:07:55,279 --> 00:08:00,519 you saying you believed the exact same lie. So what 124 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,439 I think I know now about this one is I 125 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:10,920 think this lie is that silence. We believe silence is protective, 126 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,399 that as long as you don't say the hard thing 127 00:08:13,399 --> 00:08:16,759 out loud, it's days smaller, Maybe it's more manageable, maybe 128 00:08:16,759 --> 00:08:20,279 it's more private. It's almost like a magical kind of 129 00:08:20,319 --> 00:08:23,120 thinking underneath it, like naming it might summon it, might 130 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,199 make it official, might turn it from something that I 131 00:08:25,319 --> 00:08:30,480 was privately dealing with into something real and permanent that 132 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,159 I could never take back. And if I'm honest, darn it, 133 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:39,440 some of it was pride too, or maybe just plain ridiculousness, 134 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,240 not wanting people to know that I was struggling, like 135 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:48,000 admitting it would somehow change how they saw me. But 136 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,320 here's what I think I know is that the struggle 137 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:55,000 was already real before I said anything. Saying it out 138 00:08:55,039 --> 00:08:57,240 loud didn't create it. That's for darn sure. It was 139 00:08:57,279 --> 00:09:00,600 already there whether I spoke it or not. Let's never 140 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:05,480 actually protected me from the real thing. All it protected 141 00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:10,600 me from was anyone knowing I was carrying it. So 142 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:13,240 the cost of quiet was never the struggle stays smaller. 143 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,480 The cost was carrying it alone. Saying it out loud 144 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,759 doesn't make it more real, it makes you less alone 145 00:09:19,799 --> 00:09:24,840 in it. Holy cow, okay lie number six. Nobody wants 146 00:09:24,879 --> 00:09:28,360 to hear the hard parts. I think I told myself 147 00:09:28,399 --> 00:09:30,919 this was all about other people that nobody wants to 148 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,720 hear someone complain, Nobody wants to be the downer. But 149 00:09:33,799 --> 00:09:39,559 if I'm honest, it was really about me a common thing. First, 150 00:09:39,639 --> 00:09:41,440 I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. I 151 00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:43,519 needed to be strong to be better of that. And 152 00:09:43,519 --> 00:09:45,559 then underneath all of that, I didn't want to be 153 00:09:45,639 --> 00:09:50,519 a burden. But what I think I know now is 154 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:53,679 something actually surprised me after my last video, the moment 155 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:56,759 I stopped pretending everything was okay, people didn't pull away. 156 00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:01,440 In fact, many people leaned in, not because use they 157 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,519 wanted to fix me, but because they've been carrying some 158 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,960 of the very same thoughts. I realized people don't connect 159 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,639 with us because our lives are perfect, no one's is. 160 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,840 They connect with us because we're willing to be human. 161 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,679 We can tell the truth, we can say the hard parts, 162 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,600 and we don't have to push people away. Maybe they're 163 00:10:22,639 --> 00:10:26,840 the very things that remind us were never as lone, 164 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:32,080 as alone as we think. Being honest didn't make me 165 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,600 a burden, it made me human. The most honest video 166 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,960 I'd ever made wasn't the one where everything was fine. 167 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,639 It was the one where I finally said it wasn't. 168 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,519 And it sounds like that's the one so many of 169 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,759 you told me you needed to hear as well. So 170 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:53,279 that's it, the six lies I carried straight into retirement 171 00:10:53,279 --> 00:10:57,080 without ever questioning where they came from. I don't honestly 172 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:02,039 think I'm done learning them, but I do think naming 173 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:06,200 them is where it all kind of starts. So if 174 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,200 any of these resonated with you, if you believe one 175 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,360 of these two, I'd love to hear which one in 176 00:11:11,399 --> 00:11:14,240 the comments. And if there's a lie you've been carrying 177 00:11:14,559 --> 00:11:17,679 that I didn't mention here, tell me which one too. 178 00:11:17,799 --> 00:11:22,519 I read every single comment. So thank you for making 179 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,799 last week's video feel less lonely, less scary, less vulnerable 180 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,759 than I expected to be, And thanks for listening to 181 00:11:29,799 --> 00:11:32,159 this one. Please subscribe if you want to keep having 182 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,840 these honest conversations with me, and I'll see you the 183 00:11:34,879 --> 00:11:38,320 next time here on life starts at every talent.