Speaker 1: Welcome to the two seventeen Recovery podcast.
Speaker 2: If you don't make mistakes, you won't learn.
Speaker 1: With your host Corey Winfield.
Speaker 3: This whole new life thing is working out pretty well.
Speaker 3: This life in recovery is it's going great.
Speaker 1: And co host Marley Winningfield.
Speaker 4: I guess in my job, I've interacted with like the
Speaker 4: police and fire department.
Speaker 2: And not been on the end the receiving end of
Speaker 2: their services.
Speaker 3: Oh, it is the eleventh of November twenty twenty four.
Speaker 3: It's eleven eleven, Happy Veterans Day. My name is Corey Winfield.
Speaker 2: My name is Marty Winfield.
Speaker 3: Welcome to seventeen Recovery Podcasts from the Home studio. Is
Speaker 3: that will recall this one?
Speaker 4: Yep?
Speaker 3: How are you, Marty?
Speaker 2: I'm great.
Speaker 3: Nice, we're up early doing a podcast.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what's going on?
Speaker 3: Something up?
Speaker 4: Enjoying our enjoying our Veterans Day, celebrating veterans.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remembering the the people that sacrifice for our country. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and even the ones that maybe didn't sacrifice. I guess
Speaker 3: if you sign up, in my opinion, you're sacrificing, You're
Speaker 3: giving something up, you.
Speaker 4: Know, absolutely serving our country. I mean absolutely, they deserve
Speaker 4: a day more than a day.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so big, big thanks and hopefully you continue to
Speaker 3: enjoy these days for many more. Yeah to come. It's early.
Speaker 3: I'm struggling for words here, but we have to explain
Speaker 3: our setup though, because we're down in the Home studio
Speaker 3: and in the Windfield Plex, which is right next to
Speaker 3: the Home studio. We have our son, Yeah, and on
Speaker 3: there is like a Christmas movie about cows or something.
Speaker 3: That's the first thing I could you picked it. I
Speaker 3: clicked on it had snow and I thought cool. And
Speaker 3: our son is it's there for him right if he
Speaker 3: chooses that method of entertainment this morning. But he also
Speaker 3: has other entertainment called kiddies.
Speaker 2: The kiddies.
Speaker 4: So we have our two cats, which we've talked about
Speaker 4: before on the podcast, and there the one is very
Speaker 4: kind of chill Luna, kind of like a grown up cat,
Speaker 4: and then the other one, Hudson, is still a terror. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and so he's a he's a troublemaker, destroyer of all things.
Speaker 2: So my interesting more of importance.
Speaker 3: He gets. I cuss at him a lot, like Parker
Speaker 3: is going to think his name starts with F.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the cat's name, Yeah, it.
Speaker 3: Does not starts with h but he has the kiddies
Speaker 3: and he's sitting up. Seeing eleven days, Parker will be
Speaker 3: six months old since he exited your body. You did
Speaker 3: the math, I mean it's pretty easy. Twenty second and
Speaker 3: today's eleventh easy math I'm good at. But so he's
Speaker 3: sitting up now. But he's sitting up pretty good because
Speaker 3: he started kind of sitting up like a week or
Speaker 3: two ago, and it was just like, oh we bill wobble. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but now he has got some control, some control to it,
Speaker 3: and when he starts to kind of lean, he can
Speaker 3: kind of correct himself.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think he chooses the face plant.
Speaker 2: Do you think so?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I think he's like, all right, I've had enough
Speaker 3: of this. How do I get down there? Oh? This
Speaker 3: is how I do it.
Speaker 4: It is kind of a controlled face plant. Yeah too,
Speaker 4: it's like shoulder first.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So that's that's what our scene is today, Martie. You
Speaker 3: said he had a clear view of the back.
Speaker 4: I have a clear view of the back of his head,
Speaker 4: and he actually, I mean I haven't actually timed it,
Speaker 4: but he'll he'll sit up. He'll be on his own
Speaker 4: and sit up for a good half hour, like on
Speaker 4: his own yeah, and and be just fine, which has
Speaker 4: made it a lot easier on me, I mean, and
Speaker 4: you for him because now he's playing with things, so
Speaker 4: like he's entertained by like you know, tags of things
Speaker 4: and different parts. He'll pick up one toy and mess
Speaker 4: with it and put it down, pick up another. So
Speaker 4: where you run into issues is when stuff is out
Speaker 4: of his reach and he goes for it, and then
Speaker 4: he's like, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to topple yet.
Speaker 4: And then he can't obviously get himself. He doesn't have
Speaker 4: that kind of you know, strength to be able to
Speaker 4: get himself back up.
Speaker 3: So if you're new to the podcast this morning, this
Speaker 3: is our first child, you know, this is something very
Speaker 3: new to us. We're in recovery. We're living this life
Speaker 3: that we once thought was not possible, and we thought
Speaker 3: we were going to die just miserable and alone, and
Speaker 3: here we are, married, doing pretty well, we have a child.
Speaker 3: I mean, God's good. Yeah, God's been really good to us.
Speaker 3: And yeah we had to go through the hard times,
Speaker 3: but we appreciate the good times even more now.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, you know, from where we were at.
Speaker 3: So that's where we're at, and that's why we're, you know,
Speaker 3: kind of talking about our son and Parker, and if
Speaker 3: you have a child, maybe you can understand what we're
Speaker 3: talking about. You're like, oh, I remember when little Billy
Speaker 3: would face plant. You know that was so cute. There's
Speaker 3: any warnings you want to give us, cause I'm sure
Speaker 3: you're gonna be like, oh, well, wait till they start
Speaker 3: peeing everywhere or body train it, or I don't know,
Speaker 3: there's I'm sure there's tips out there and we will
Speaker 3: gladly take them. M You know, Marnie, you like the
Speaker 3: fact that he peas everywhere.
Speaker 2: Sometimes, No, it doesn't bother the game.
Speaker 4: It doesn't bother me like it bothers him like he's
Speaker 4: you would think this it was like this toxic fluid
Speaker 4: because he goes he goes to change his diaper, and
Speaker 4: he's like, puts another diaper on top of him in
Speaker 4: case he does pee, And I'm like, if he does pee,
Speaker 4: then that's wasting a whole entire diaper.
Speaker 3: I do not do that, obviously. What I do is
Speaker 3: I take a wipey and I put it over this
Speaker 3: little action cannon and then so that way I'm not
Speaker 3: gonna get sprayed, And I have another diaper underneath him
Speaker 3: ready to go. So like when I woop scoop his
Speaker 3: little booty in the poop and I wipe it and
Speaker 3: then start threat there and it takes time. Yeah, Like
Speaker 3: I can't just hey, let's just change his diaper and
Speaker 3: you can do it in ten seconds. It'll take me
Speaker 3: a minimum, like two and a half three minutes. Yeah,
Speaker 3: And there's the whole process of like me getting it
Speaker 3: set up mentally, you know, for him and for me.
Speaker 2: He gets in his little sing song.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I starts something, singing some songs about cleaning the booty,
Speaker 3: you know, and the poopy booty, and you got to
Speaker 3: you gotta get into this mental state, and then you
Speaker 3: got to get the diype underneath, and you got to
Speaker 3: get like four or five wipe. He's out probablynogly four
Speaker 3: or five. But you know what, you got him just
Speaker 3: in case.
Speaker 4: And I've watched this when he hasn't known. I've been
Speaker 4: watching him do this whole process. And he will actually
Speaker 4: pause in all of these stuffs that he's that he's
Speaker 4: describing very very well, but he'll stop and actually like
Speaker 4: have a whole conversation with Parker in between, so that
Speaker 4: I'm coming I'm.
Speaker 2: Like, it's been he's been there like eight or nine minutes.
Speaker 2: What are they doing? And he's in there.
Speaker 4: He's not changing any mood, nothing, no hands or moving,
Speaker 4: He's just talking to him. And it's it's very endearing
Speaker 4: and adorable and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just
Speaker 4: everybody's got his own, his own thing, and that's your time,
Speaker 4: you know that you set aside.
Speaker 2: And I think it's great.
Speaker 3: And I don't know if this is good or bad.
Speaker 3: But sometimes I'll get him like when I used to
Speaker 3: change him on the changing table, which I haven't done
Speaker 3: in a while, but I would get him in there
Speaker 3: and then I would change diaper and then he would
Speaker 3: poop immediately after. Because I think these talks that we're
Speaker 3: having are really kind of inspiring him a little bit.
Speaker 3: Oh okay, it's his little mind going next thing, you know.
Speaker 3: He's just like, So what I've tried to do is
Speaker 3: kind of get the conversation going so that way he
Speaker 3: can get his bowels going, so that way we don't
Speaker 3: have to do the back to back diaper change, which
Speaker 3: I don't mind. I'll do, okay, but it's like, hey.
Speaker 2: Man, so there is a method to the madness.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and so if he knows we're going in there
Speaker 3: for the diaper change and I'm talking about poop like
Speaker 3: he knows, because he'll start grunting sometimes. And just yesterday
Speaker 3: I was asking him about the poopy booty and he
Speaker 3: kind of smiled at me. And then I put him
Speaker 3: down in the thing and as I'm getting ready to
Speaker 3: get out of the action cannon and all that, and
Speaker 3: then I hear him, I'm like, oh, okay, and the
Speaker 3: big smiled at me, like Daddy is clearing the clearing
Speaker 3: the deck for you. It's like, okay, son, I appreciate that.
Speaker 3: But yeah, So I don't know if he thinks that
Speaker 3: that's like, hey, now it's poopy time. Yeah, that's what
Speaker 3: I'd be careful.
Speaker 4: And in all of these all of these like these
Speaker 4: these little things, all of these these things that we're
Speaker 4: talking about completely just I owe all of it to
Speaker 4: being sober. Yeah, like none of this would be possible,
Speaker 4: you know. And sometimes I just come back to that
Speaker 4: moment and that realization and it comes at different times,
Speaker 4: you know, different random times when I'm just like I
Speaker 4: am just so grateful. I'm just so grateful, and you know,
Speaker 4: despite everything that I went through in my life that
Speaker 4: was seemed awful and you know, terrible and unlivable. It
Speaker 4: something like that at the moment. But you know, for
Speaker 4: whatever reason, here I am now. So that's what I'm
Speaker 4: grateful for.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and there's that time again where we thought none
Speaker 3: of this was possible. Like I just remember in my
Speaker 3: apartment in Buchanda, laying there just thinking, God, why can't
Speaker 3: this be over? Why did I have to wake up
Speaker 3: this time? Yeah, you know, and to be and I'd
Speaker 3: never even lived life, yeah, you know, to think like,
Speaker 3: oh I was on the radio, I did some cool things.
Speaker 3: I didn't do anything cool. I didn't know love, and
Speaker 3: I don't know if I've ever been in love. I
Speaker 3: definitely don't know the love of a child. You know,
Speaker 3: Like I didn't live life. I was never married, right,
Speaker 3: you know. It was very selfish and now it's just
Speaker 3: kind of the opposite. But I'm having troubles with that too,
Speaker 3: because I am selfish.
Speaker 4: I think this all comes back to, like like you
Speaker 4: talk about, well, you used to talk a lot about
Speaker 4: like your purpose, right, like what it is that you
Speaker 4: do or what keeps you going, what keeps you motivated?
Speaker 4: And you know, so much of what I have now,
Speaker 4: being married and you know, loving work and you know,
Speaker 4: completing my education and having this beautiful child in my world.
Speaker 4: It's it's like I have so many things to live
Speaker 4: for today. You know, before I that question, I mean granted,
Speaker 4: we you know, blow things out of proportion when we're
Speaker 4: under the influence and when we're in deep in our
Speaker 4: addiction because everything seems awful and unsolvable, and you know,
Speaker 4: we're their depths of despair, and so we're like, what's
Speaker 4: the point, right, Like, I hate my life. I don't
Speaker 4: like living it. I'm not happy with I wake up
Speaker 4: in the morning and I just dread the day because
Speaker 4: I'm not with who I want to be with, or
Speaker 4: I'm alone, you know, I'm not doing what I want
Speaker 4: to be doing, or I don't even know what that is.
Speaker 4: I'm just existing. I don't feel love by anyone. I
Speaker 4: don't feel like I'm giving love to anyone. You know,
Speaker 4: I'm not productive, I don't like what I look like.
Speaker 4: I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not taking care
Speaker 4: of anyone else. So I mean, add all those things up,
Speaker 4: and that is a very empty life to live. And
Speaker 4: so now today it's the complete opposite, total point eighty
Speaker 4: complete opposite. I love my life, I love what I do.
Speaker 4: I love the people in my life. I love my family.
Speaker 4: My family loves me, you know. And not that my
Speaker 4: family ever stopped loving me. It's just I didn't let
Speaker 4: them love me. I wasn't in a space mentally or
Speaker 4: emotionally or spiritually where I could even accept or be
Speaker 4: you know, in a place where I could have them
Speaker 4: show me that love, you know. And so now totally
Speaker 4: totally flipped, and it's amazing.
Speaker 3: I took a guy the other day to treatment and
Speaker 3: then I was talking about we had a five month old.
Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, it's hot in here, it's hot, and get emotional.
Speaker 3: I was cutting onions this morning. Sorry, But I took
Speaker 3: this guy and you know, I was talking about, yeah,
Speaker 3: I have five month old and he's like, wait what huh?
Speaker 3: And I told him, yeah, you know, I met my
Speaker 3: wife and we've been married and coming up on forty years.
Speaker 3: And he's like, you know, that gives me a lot
Speaker 3: of hope. And he was like thirty two maybe, you know,
Speaker 3: like so he's way younger than I am, but it
Speaker 3: gave him hope. He said that he could actually find somebody,
Speaker 3: and he was talking about this relationship that he's in
Speaker 3: and out of and how you know, it's not my
Speaker 3: job to tell people what to do, but I can
Speaker 3: tell him that my past experience of trying to like
Speaker 3: put things together that weren't meant to be, you know,
Speaker 3: I'll make it fit, you know, like it's it's best
Speaker 3: just to let it go, you know. And so giving
Speaker 3: him hope was was awesome. You know that we did
Speaker 3: that through our misery that we had to go through
Speaker 3: to finally come to the realization of shit's got to
Speaker 3: change and I'm the one who has to change it
Speaker 3: and to create a new life and create Parker. You know,
Speaker 3: by doing that, we inspired him. Yeah, you know, like
Speaker 3: I'm not saying like he's gonna be the greatest thing
Speaker 3: since like spread out there in the recovery world. But
Speaker 3: I'm just saying, like those little moments and when you
Speaker 3: can inspire just one person sometimes you know that that's
Speaker 3: all it takes. And will that be the dude's last
Speaker 3: time going to treatment, I don't know, Yeah, but he'll
Speaker 3: remember that he does have a little inspiration there that
Speaker 3: he can turn his shit around. And there are some
Speaker 3: people and I would probably was like this too, like, oh,
Speaker 3: and he's forty six, so I got shit, I got
Speaker 3: fourteen years of dicking around still, you know, like he
Speaker 3: could look at it like that, like oh and then
Speaker 3: I'll just change my shit when I'm forty and I'll
Speaker 3: just keep doing that. You know, I wouldn't recommend that.
Speaker 4: No, right, No, I'm thinking he's gonna spend it like man,
Speaker 4: this cool old dude.
Speaker 2: He took me to treatment.
Speaker 4: He just had a he just had a baby just
Speaker 4: like five months ago. So like, yeah, I mean, and
Speaker 4: this is when my like my world started, you know,
Speaker 4: is when I got sober, Like that's when my life
Speaker 4: really started. And I'm not discounting like my childhood or
Speaker 4: you know, the good experience that I have had in
Speaker 4: my life, because there's been a lot of them. But
Speaker 4: I mean, and I think people who are in active
Speaker 4: addiction or been through active addiction who you have conversations with,
Speaker 4: can identify with this piece.
Speaker 2: It's just like.
Speaker 4: Time in active addiction feels like eternity. It feels like
Speaker 4: eternity that there's no like there's no out, you know,
Speaker 4: you're just stuck and it's ever forever long. But at
Speaker 4: the same time, in looking back, it's like years would
Speaker 4: go by, and I'm like, I don't even know where
Speaker 4: those years went, like, But when you're in them, it's
Speaker 4: just misery is just it seems like it takes it's forever,
Speaker 4: you know.
Speaker 3: So yeah, it's hard to even imagine a way out.
Speaker 3: And when I'm coming up on my ten year anniversary
Speaker 3: of the liver failure and all that, and so I
Speaker 3: had like little over half a month to complete before
Speaker 3: I was on vacation, and that December of twenty fourteen,
Speaker 3: I just tore it up. But before that, like I knew,
Speaker 3: I started, I got the shakes and so much that
Speaker 3: I couldn't even go to the drive through liquor store
Speaker 3: because i have to hand my stuff through the window
Speaker 3: and I'm shaking so bad. And the guy asked me
Speaker 3: one time, I asked me, what's wrong. He knew what
Speaker 3: was wrong. He's seen it every day he worked at
Speaker 3: the liquor store. So I knew there was something wrong,
Speaker 3: but I didn't know what to do or how to
Speaker 3: reach out for help. I didn't think I needed help.
Speaker 3: I thought I could just slow it down on my own,
Speaker 3: which I couldn't. And when I went balls to the wall,
Speaker 3: there in that month and then tried to come back
Speaker 3: to work, you know, and it was just it was
Speaker 3: bad and I'd done the damage that needed to be
Speaker 3: done to send me to the hospital, but I still
Speaker 3: didn't know how to ask for help. And I thought
Speaker 3: I was just like this horrible person who was an alcoholic,
Speaker 3: who you know, he couldn't handle his liquor, he didn't
Speaker 3: know how to drink responsible and like all the stuff
Speaker 3: that society tells you that you're a bad person, and
Speaker 3: it really I wasn't a bad person.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 3: It's alcohol, That's what it does.
Speaker 2: It's a disease.
Speaker 3: It doesn't say on the bottle you keep drinking this,
Speaker 3: you're gonna need two bottles, you're gonna need four bottles,
Speaker 3: you're gonnamore, You're gonna sweach. It doesn't tell you that,
Speaker 3: you know, to get that same level of ah, like
Speaker 3: I want to escape, and a lot of us that's
Speaker 3: why we drink it, whether it's fun escape or whether
Speaker 3: it's escape misery. Crying now, he I think he fell over.
Speaker 3: I picked him up earlier and put him back on
Speaker 3: his little booty. Yeah, and I think he's he's wanting
Speaker 3: to readjust so you'll readjust him. I'll keep talking about
Speaker 3: this story that I've talked about million times, But it
Speaker 3: is important though to know that if someone's going through
Speaker 3: that in that same stage that I was, they're not
Speaker 3: going to see the clear view. They're not going to
Speaker 3: see Hey, in five years you could be married and
Speaker 3: have a child, and own a home and start a
Speaker 3: nonprofit and help people in recovery. That all that was impossible,
Speaker 3: Like I don't even think I thought about making it
Speaker 3: through a day without a drink, Like how would I
Speaker 3: do that? That to me seemed impossible. So to to
Speaker 3: like add it up to like this is what your
Speaker 3: life could be, it would actually kind of make me
Speaker 3: more depressed sometimes. You know, my mom was showing these
Speaker 3: videos look at this guy, or watch this and this
Speaker 3: guy's doing great. Look at him and you know he
Speaker 3: was an addict, real bad and he turned it around.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, yeah, that's that's not me. I can't
Speaker 3: do that, you know, So don't compare people and their
Speaker 3: stories to other things, but just know that it does happen.
Speaker 3: But if you can just sit back and maybe talk
Speaker 3: with the person. If you know someone who's struggling or
Speaker 3: going through it, maybe talk with them, like what would
Speaker 3: you want to do, Like, if you could do anything
Speaker 3: in the world, what would you want to do? You know,
Speaker 3: because I think setting goals and having those dreams. Without those,
Speaker 3: I wouldn't be here, you know, if I wasn't like
Speaker 3: I'm going to start a nonprofit and I'm going to
Speaker 3: do this, and I'm going to start a podcast.
Speaker 4: But and the thing is, too is it's okay if
Speaker 4: you don't have an answer, yeah, because I don't think
Speaker 4: lots of times, I mean, I wasn't in that space
Speaker 4: where I could even wrap my head around like stopping
Speaker 4: let alone, it would just make me mad because I'm
Speaker 4: like I can't even comprehend what I could be, what
Speaker 4: I'm capable of right now, Like I don't even want to.
Speaker 4: I don't even want to evaluate like what I can
Speaker 4: do or what are possibilities for me because I'm so sick,
Speaker 4: you know. But to get on the other side of it,
Speaker 4: it does help to have that conversation about like, you know,
Speaker 4: it doesn't have to be like this, Like you know,
Speaker 4: it doesn't have to be like this because every person
Speaker 4: who's stuck in their addiction has been sober at one time.
Speaker 4: Granted it might have been when they were thirteen years old, right,
Speaker 4: But they found joy at some point in something, you know,
Speaker 4: and they can find it again. I mean, it's just
Speaker 4: it's about it's about figuring out how to let go
Speaker 4: of that obsession and putting down the bottle and figuring
Speaker 4: out that there's more.
Speaker 3: And in my case too, like I had some issues
Speaker 3: that I had suppressed deep down that I didn't want
Speaker 3: to deal with. You know that I'm a guy. I'm cool,
Speaker 3: not depressed. That didn't happened to me. Nothing to see here,
Speaker 3: you know, those kind of things, and until like it
Speaker 3: all came together, you know, and it came together in
Speaker 3: a treatment facility, which was good for me because it
Speaker 3: gave me that time to work on myself.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: You know a lot of people, I don't have sixty days.
Speaker 3: I don't have ninety days. I can't go that long
Speaker 3: my job at this by that, I don't have any
Speaker 3: of that. And eventually people do lose it all. So
Speaker 3: if you can take that time to get away and
Speaker 3: it's a safe place away from your drug of choice,
Speaker 3: you know, and a safe place for you to work
Speaker 3: on yourself, and that's when, you know, if you got
Speaker 3: a couple of weeks you know, just go day at
Speaker 3: a time at first, but then when you start to
Speaker 3: get feeling better, and you will, you'll start feeling better
Speaker 3: and you'll start being able to think of goals and
Speaker 3: that obsession will go away and you can kind of
Speaker 3: replace the drinking or the drug use for with the goals,
Speaker 3: you know. And that's kind of what I did, Like
Speaker 3: I must start a podcast, but we'll podcast, but the
Speaker 3: podcast turned into the nonprofit, which now you know, turned
Speaker 3: to the two seventeen Recovery Center and the things that
Speaker 3: we do now and hopefully we have more things that
Speaker 3: we're going to do soon. But it started had to
Speaker 3: start somewhere, yeah, you know. Yeah, but anyway, I think
Speaker 3: lo Man is needing attention to hear him crying over there.
Speaker 3: But we'll just do little podcasts, short podcasts. Now, that's
Speaker 3: what we do. The hour long days are gone.
Speaker 2: I know, parents, now, I know.
Speaker 3: Now, But thanks for tuning in. And there's nine hundred
Speaker 3: plus episodes. You can get two seventeen Recovery app, which
Speaker 3: is free Google Store and Playstore, so all right, Google
Speaker 3: play Store and the Apple Store. It's early, all right,
Speaker 3: until next time I have to go on.
Speaker 2: All right, thanks, had a great day.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the two seventeen Recovery podcast. Listen
Speaker 1: to over nine hundred episodes. It's on the two seventeen
Speaker 1: Recovery app that's free in your app store or online
Speaker 1: at two seventeen recovery dot com