WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.439 --> 00:00:06.280 Welcome to the two seventeen Recovery podcast. 2 00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:09.720 If you don't make mistakes, you won't learn. 3 00:00:10.359 --> 00:00:12.679 With your host Corey Winfield. 4 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:15.560 This whole new life thing is working out pretty well. 5 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:17.800 This life in recovery is it's going great. 6 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:20.039 And co host Marley Winningfield. 7 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:22.440 I guess in my job, I've interacted with like the 8 00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:24.399 police and fire department. 9 00:00:24.079 --> 00:00:26.600 And not been on the end the receiving end of 10 00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:27.559 their services. 11 00:00:28.440 --> 00:00:35.159 Oh, it is the eleventh of November twenty twenty four. 12 00:00:35.159 --> 00:00:38.240 It's eleven eleven, Happy Veterans Day. My name is Corey Winfield. 13 00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:39.719 My name is Marty Winfield. 14 00:00:39.880 --> 00:00:44.280 Welcome to seventeen Recovery Podcasts from the Home studio. Is 15 00:00:44.280 --> 00:00:45.240 that will recall this one? 16 00:00:45.320 --> 00:00:45.520 Yep? 17 00:00:47.320 --> 00:00:48.079 How are you, Marty? 18 00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:48.679 I'm great. 19 00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:51.320 Nice, we're up early doing a podcast. 20 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:53.520 Yeah, what's going on? 21 00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:54.200 Something up? 22 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:58.759 Enjoying our enjoying our Veterans Day, celebrating veterans. 23 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:03.359 Yeah, I remembering the the people that sacrifice for our country. Yeah, 24 00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:06.599 and even the ones that maybe didn't sacrifice. I guess 25 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:09.120 if you sign up, in my opinion, you're sacrificing, You're 26 00:01:09.159 --> 00:01:10.120 giving something up, you. 27 00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:14.239 Know, absolutely serving our country. I mean absolutely, they deserve 28 00:01:14.280 --> 00:01:15.319 a day more than a day. 29 00:01:15.599 --> 00:01:20.879 Yeah, so big, big thanks and hopefully you continue to 30 00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:25.959 enjoy these days for many more. Yeah to come. It's early. 31 00:01:26.280 --> 00:01:29.599 I'm struggling for words here, but we have to explain 32 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:31.799 our setup though, because we're down in the Home studio 33 00:01:32.680 --> 00:01:36.439 and in the Windfield Plex, which is right next to 34 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:41.400 the Home studio. We have our son, Yeah, and on 35 00:01:41.519 --> 00:01:44.319 there is like a Christmas movie about cows or something. 36 00:01:44.439 --> 00:01:46.799 That's the first thing I could you picked it. I 37 00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:50.519 clicked on it had snow and I thought cool. And 38 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:56.200 our son is it's there for him right if he 39 00:01:56.280 --> 00:01:59.400 chooses that method of entertainment this morning. But he also 40 00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:03.079 has other entertainment called kiddies. 41 00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:04.920 The kiddies. 42 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:07.000 So we have our two cats, which we've talked about 43 00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:11.199 before on the podcast, and there the one is very 44 00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:15.360 kind of chill Luna, kind of like a grown up cat, 45 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.560 and then the other one, Hudson, is still a terror. Yeah, 46 00:02:20.599 --> 00:02:26.199 and so he's a he's a troublemaker, destroyer of all things. 47 00:02:26.759 --> 00:02:29.000 So my interesting more of importance. 48 00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:33.319 He gets. I cuss at him a lot, like Parker 49 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:34.800 is going to think his name starts with F. 50 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:37.520 Yeah, the cat's name, Yeah, it. 51 00:02:37.479 --> 00:02:41.439 Does not starts with h but he has the kiddies 52 00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:45.360 and he's sitting up. Seeing eleven days, Parker will be 53 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:49.000 six months old since he exited your body. You did 54 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:52.639 the math, I mean it's pretty easy. Twenty second and 55 00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:58.080 today's eleventh easy math I'm good at. But so he's 56 00:02:58.120 --> 00:03:00.400 sitting up now. But he's sitting up pretty good because 57 00:03:00.400 --> 00:03:02.120 he started kind of sitting up like a week or 58 00:03:02.120 --> 00:03:04.840 two ago, and it was just like, oh we bill wobble. Yeah, 59 00:03:04.879 --> 00:03:07.319 but now he has got some control, some control to it, 60 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:09.400 and when he starts to kind of lean, he can 61 00:03:09.479 --> 00:03:10.560 kind of correct himself. 62 00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:10.879 Yeah. 63 00:03:11.159 --> 00:03:13.879 Yeah, I think he chooses the face plant. 64 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:14.639 Do you think so? 65 00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:16.520 Yeah? I think he's like, all right, I've had enough 66 00:03:16.520 --> 00:03:18.479 of this. How do I get down there? Oh? This 67 00:03:18.520 --> 00:03:20.080 is how I do it. 68 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:22.479 It is kind of a controlled face plant. Yeah too, 69 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:24.159 it's like shoulder first. 70 00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:25.879 Yeah. 71 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:28.400 So that's that's what our scene is today, Martie. You 72 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:29.759 said he had a clear view of the back. 73 00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:32.360 I have a clear view of the back of his head, 74 00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:35.280 and he actually, I mean I haven't actually timed it, 75 00:03:36.120 --> 00:03:38.639 but he'll he'll sit up. He'll be on his own 76 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:42.400 and sit up for a good half hour, like on 77 00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:45.520 his own yeah, and and be just fine, which has 78 00:03:45.599 --> 00:03:48.159 made it a lot easier on me, I mean, and 79 00:03:48.240 --> 00:03:51.520 you for him because now he's playing with things, so 80 00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:55.879 like he's entertained by like you know, tags of things 81 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.280 and different parts. He'll pick up one toy and mess 82 00:03:58.280 --> 00:04:00.759 with it and put it down, pick up another. So 83 00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:03.960 where you run into issues is when stuff is out 84 00:04:03.960 --> 00:04:06.639 of his reach and he goes for it, and then 85 00:04:06.960 --> 00:04:10.400 he's like, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to topple yet. 86 00:04:10.680 --> 00:04:13.319 And then he can't obviously get himself. He doesn't have 87 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:16.600 that kind of you know, strength to be able to 88 00:04:16.600 --> 00:04:17.600 get himself back up. 89 00:04:17.720 --> 00:04:20.000 So if you're new to the podcast this morning, this 90 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:22.279 is our first child, you know, this is something very 91 00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:26.040 new to us. We're in recovery. We're living this life 92 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:29.399 that we once thought was not possible, and we thought 93 00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:32.120 we were going to die just miserable and alone, and 94 00:04:32.279 --> 00:04:36.360 here we are, married, doing pretty well, we have a child. 95 00:04:36.600 --> 00:04:40.160 I mean, God's good. Yeah, God's been really good to us. 96 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:41.759 And yeah we had to go through the hard times, 97 00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:43.800 but we appreciate the good times even more now. 98 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:46.360 Absolutely, you know, from where we were at. 99 00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:48.240 So that's where we're at, and that's why we're, you know, 100 00:04:48.360 --> 00:04:50.279 kind of talking about our son and Parker, and if 101 00:04:50.319 --> 00:04:53.160 you have a child, maybe you can understand what we're 102 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.319 talking about. You're like, oh, I remember when little Billy 103 00:04:55.319 --> 00:04:57.959 would face plant. You know that was so cute. There's 104 00:04:58.000 --> 00:04:59.959 any warnings you want to give us, cause I'm sure 105 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:01.560 you're gonna be like, oh, well, wait till they start 106 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:04.920 peeing everywhere or body train it, or I don't know, 107 00:05:05.040 --> 00:05:07.040 there's I'm sure there's tips out there and we will 108 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.680 gladly take them. M You know, Marnie, you like the 109 00:05:10.680 --> 00:05:11.800 fact that he peas everywhere. 110 00:05:11.839 --> 00:05:14.399 Sometimes, No, it doesn't bother the game. 111 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:17.160 It doesn't bother me like it bothers him like he's 112 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:21.439 you would think this it was like this toxic fluid 113 00:05:21.879 --> 00:05:24.319 because he goes he goes to change his diaper, and 114 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:29.160 he's like, puts another diaper on top of him in 115 00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:31.560 case he does pee, And I'm like, if he does pee, 116 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:33.160 then that's wasting a whole entire diaper. 117 00:05:33.279 --> 00:05:36.399 I do not do that, obviously. What I do is 118 00:05:36.439 --> 00:05:37.920 I take a wipey and I put it over this 119 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:42.439 little action cannon and then so that way I'm not 120 00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:45.000 gonna get sprayed, And I have another diaper underneath him 121 00:05:45.160 --> 00:05:47.160 ready to go. So like when I woop scoop his 122 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:49.920 little booty in the poop and I wipe it and 123 00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:53.959 then start threat there and it takes time. Yeah, Like 124 00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:56.519 I can't just hey, let's just change his diaper and 125 00:05:56.839 --> 00:05:59.000 you can do it in ten seconds. It'll take me 126 00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:01.639 a minimum, like two and a half three minutes. Yeah, 127 00:06:01.720 --> 00:06:03.600 And there's the whole process of like me getting it 128 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:06.399 set up mentally, you know, for him and for me. 129 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:08.000 He gets in his little sing song. 130 00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:10.800 Yeah, I starts something, singing some songs about cleaning the booty, 131 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:13.279 you know, and the poopy booty, and you got to 132 00:06:13.319 --> 00:06:17.399 you gotta get into this mental state, and then you 133 00:06:17.480 --> 00:06:19.360 got to get the diype underneath, and you got to 134 00:06:19.399 --> 00:06:22.680 get like four or five wipe. He's out probablynogly four 135 00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:24.399 or five. But you know what, you got him just 136 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:24.879 in case. 137 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:27.319 And I've watched this when he hasn't known. I've been 138 00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:29.800 watching him do this whole process. And he will actually 139 00:06:29.839 --> 00:06:33.319 pause in all of these stuffs that he's that he's 140 00:06:33.759 --> 00:06:37.279 describing very very well, but he'll stop and actually like 141 00:06:37.360 --> 00:06:42.079 have a whole conversation with Parker in between, so that 142 00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:43.360 I'm coming I'm. 143 00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:46.480 Like, it's been he's been there like eight or nine minutes. 144 00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:50.160 What are they doing? And he's in there. 145 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:52.959 He's not changing any mood, nothing, no hands or moving, 146 00:06:52.959 --> 00:06:56.399 He's just talking to him. And it's it's very endearing 147 00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.199 and adorable and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just 148 00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:02.399 everybody's got his own, his own thing, and that's your time, 149 00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:04.480 you know that you set aside. 150 00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:06.360 And I think it's great. 151 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:07.839 And I don't know if this is good or bad. 152 00:07:07.879 --> 00:07:10.600 But sometimes I'll get him like when I used to 153 00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:12.319 change him on the changing table, which I haven't done 154 00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:13.680 in a while, but I would get him in there 155 00:07:14.600 --> 00:07:18.680 and then I would change diaper and then he would 156 00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:22.199 poop immediately after. Because I think these talks that we're 157 00:07:22.240 --> 00:07:24.839 having are really kind of inspiring him a little bit. 158 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:27.399 Oh okay, it's his little mind going next thing, you know. 159 00:07:27.480 --> 00:07:32.279 He's just like, So what I've tried to do is 160 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:34.839 kind of get the conversation going so that way he 161 00:07:34.879 --> 00:07:37.240 can get his bowels going, so that way we don't 162 00:07:37.240 --> 00:07:39.800 have to do the back to back diaper change, which 163 00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:42.279 I don't mind. I'll do, okay, but it's like, hey. 164 00:07:42.079 --> 00:07:44.399 Man, so there is a method to the madness. 165 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:46.600 Yeah, and so if he knows we're going in there 166 00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:49.639 for the diaper change and I'm talking about poop like 167 00:07:49.720 --> 00:07:54.040 he knows, because he'll start grunting sometimes. And just yesterday 168 00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:56.439 I was asking him about the poopy booty and he 169 00:07:56.519 --> 00:07:58.439 kind of smiled at me. And then I put him 170 00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:00.399 down in the thing and as I'm getting ready to 171 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:02.800 get out of the action cannon and all that, and 172 00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:05.319 then I hear him, I'm like, oh, okay, and the 173 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:09.720 big smiled at me, like Daddy is clearing the clearing 174 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:12.759 the deck for you. It's like, okay, son, I appreciate that. 175 00:08:13.879 --> 00:08:16.000 But yeah, So I don't know if he thinks that 176 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:19.600 that's like, hey, now it's poopy time. Yeah, that's what 177 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:20.879 I'd be careful. 178 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:23.600 And in all of these all of these like these 179 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:26.120 these little things, all of these these things that we're 180 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:29.519 talking about completely just I owe all of it to 181 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:32.279 being sober. Yeah, like none of this would be possible, 182 00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:36.240 you know. And sometimes I just come back to that 183 00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:40.000 moment and that realization and it comes at different times, 184 00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:42.879 you know, different random times when I'm just like I 185 00:08:42.919 --> 00:08:46.159 am just so grateful. I'm just so grateful, and you know, 186 00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:50.240 despite everything that I went through in my life that 187 00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:56.879 was seemed awful and you know, terrible and unlivable. It 188 00:08:57.120 --> 00:09:00.919 something like that at the moment. But you know, for 189 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:03.799 whatever reason, here I am now. So that's what I'm 190 00:09:03.799 --> 00:09:04.360 grateful for. 191 00:09:05.840 --> 00:09:09.440 Yeah, and there's that time again where we thought none 192 00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:12.320 of this was possible. Like I just remember in my 193 00:09:12.360 --> 00:09:17.519 apartment in Buchanda, laying there just thinking, God, why can't 194 00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:19.679 this be over? Why did I have to wake up 195 00:09:19.720 --> 00:09:22.480 this time? Yeah, you know, and to be and I'd 196 00:09:22.519 --> 00:09:25.000 never even lived life, yeah, you know, to think like, 197 00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:26.759 oh I was on the radio, I did some cool things. 198 00:09:26.759 --> 00:09:29.159 I didn't do anything cool. I didn't know love, and 199 00:09:29.159 --> 00:09:31.879 I don't know if I've ever been in love. I 200 00:09:31.960 --> 00:09:34.759 definitely don't know the love of a child. You know, 201 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:37.639 Like I didn't live life. I was never married, right, 202 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:39.360 you know. It was very selfish and now it's just 203 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:41.840 kind of the opposite. But I'm having troubles with that too, 204 00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:45.240 because I am selfish. 205 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:49.240 I think this all comes back to, like like you 206 00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:52.159 talk about, well, you used to talk a lot about 207 00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:55.679 like your purpose, right, like what it is that you 208 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:59.039 do or what keeps you going, what keeps you motivated? 209 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:04.799 And you know, so much of what I have now, 210 00:10:06.080 --> 00:10:10.120 being married and you know, loving work and you know, 211 00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:15.639 completing my education and having this beautiful child in my world. 212 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:19.960 It's it's like I have so many things to live 213 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:25.320 for today. You know, before I that question, I mean granted, 214 00:10:26.600 --> 00:10:30.879 we you know, blow things out of proportion when we're 215 00:10:30.960 --> 00:10:32.679 under the influence and when we're in deep in our 216 00:10:32.679 --> 00:10:38.000 addiction because everything seems awful and unsolvable, and you know, 217 00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:42.480 we're their depths of despair, and so we're like, what's 218 00:10:42.559 --> 00:10:45.919 the point, right, Like, I hate my life. I don't 219 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:50.000 like living it. I'm not happy with I wake up 220 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:53.080 in the morning and I just dread the day because 221 00:10:53.120 --> 00:10:55.240 I'm not with who I want to be with, or 222 00:10:55.279 --> 00:11:00.840 I'm alone, you know, I'm not doing what I want 223 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:02.919 to be doing, or I don't even know what that is. 224 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:08.039 I'm just existing. I don't feel love by anyone. I 225 00:11:08.039 --> 00:11:12.080 don't feel like I'm giving love to anyone. You know, 226 00:11:12.159 --> 00:11:14.639 I'm not productive, I don't like what I look like. 227 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.360 I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not taking care 228 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:22.440 of anyone else. So I mean, add all those things up, 229 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:26.960 and that is a very empty life to live. And 230 00:11:27.039 --> 00:11:33.200 so now today it's the complete opposite, total point eighty 231 00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:36.919 complete opposite. I love my life, I love what I do. 232 00:11:38.159 --> 00:11:41.759 I love the people in my life. I love my family. 233 00:11:41.879 --> 00:11:44.679 My family loves me, you know. And not that my 234 00:11:44.759 --> 00:11:47.039 family ever stopped loving me. It's just I didn't let 235 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:52.000 them love me. I wasn't in a space mentally or 236 00:11:52.039 --> 00:11:54.879 emotionally or spiritually where I could even accept or be 237 00:11:56.039 --> 00:11:59.879 you know, in a place where I could have them 238 00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:07.360 show me that love, you know. And so now totally 239 00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:09.720 totally flipped, and it's amazing. 240 00:12:10.840 --> 00:12:13.159 I took a guy the other day to treatment and 241 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.240 then I was talking about we had a five month old. 242 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:21.320 Okay, yeah, it's hot in here, it's hot, and get emotional. 243 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:25.639 I was cutting onions this morning. Sorry, But I took 244 00:12:25.639 --> 00:12:27.240 this guy and you know, I was talking about, yeah, 245 00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:30.960 I have five month old and he's like, wait what huh? 246 00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:33.519 And I told him, yeah, you know, I met my 247 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:36.960 wife and we've been married and coming up on forty years. 248 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:39.360 And he's like, you know, that gives me a lot 249 00:12:39.399 --> 00:12:42.279 of hope. And he was like thirty two maybe, you know, 250 00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:45.919 like so he's way younger than I am, but it 251 00:12:45.960 --> 00:12:49.080 gave him hope. He said that he could actually find somebody, 252 00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:51.919 and he was talking about this relationship that he's in 253 00:12:52.039 --> 00:12:55.600 and out of and how you know, it's not my 254 00:12:55.720 --> 00:12:58.799 job to tell people what to do, but I can 255 00:12:59.480 --> 00:13:01.720 tell him that my past experience of trying to like 256 00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:06.600 put things together that weren't meant to be, you know, 257 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:09.799 I'll make it fit, you know, like it's it's best 258 00:13:09.879 --> 00:13:14.200 just to let it go, you know. And so giving 259 00:13:14.279 --> 00:13:17.440 him hope was was awesome. You know that we did 260 00:13:17.480 --> 00:13:21.120 that through our misery that we had to go through 261 00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:26.399 to finally come to the realization of shit's got to 262 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.720 change and I'm the one who has to change it 263 00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:33.679 and to create a new life and create Parker. You know, 264 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.879 by doing that, we inspired him. Yeah, you know, like 265 00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:40.279 I'm not saying like he's gonna be the greatest thing 266 00:13:40.360 --> 00:13:42.399 since like spread out there in the recovery world. But 267 00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:44.840 I'm just saying, like those little moments and when you 268 00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:47.360 can inspire just one person sometimes you know that that's 269 00:13:47.399 --> 00:13:49.919 all it takes. And will that be the dude's last 270 00:13:49.919 --> 00:13:52.480 time going to treatment, I don't know, Yeah, but he'll 271 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:56.000 remember that he does have a little inspiration there that 272 00:13:56.279 --> 00:13:58.440 he can turn his shit around. And there are some 273 00:13:58.480 --> 00:14:00.759 people and I would probably was like this too, like, oh, 274 00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:03.559 and he's forty six, so I got shit, I got 275 00:14:03.639 --> 00:14:06.440 fourteen years of dicking around still, you know, like he 276 00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:08.399 could look at it like that, like oh and then 277 00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:10.240 I'll just change my shit when I'm forty and I'll 278 00:14:10.279 --> 00:14:12.360 just keep doing that. You know, I wouldn't recommend that. 279 00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:17.279 No, right, No, I'm thinking he's gonna spend it like man, 280 00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:18.720 this cool old dude. 281 00:14:19.559 --> 00:14:21.159 He took me to treatment. 282 00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:24.440 He just had a he just had a baby just 283 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:28.080 like five months ago. So like, yeah, I mean, and 284 00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:31.000 this is when my like my world started, you know, 285 00:14:31.399 --> 00:14:33.960 is when I got sober, Like that's when my life 286 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:37.840 really started. And I'm not discounting like my childhood or 287 00:14:38.159 --> 00:14:39.960 you know, the good experience that I have had in 288 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:42.480 my life, because there's been a lot of them. But 289 00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:47.360 I mean, and I think people who are in active 290 00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:50.879 addiction or been through active addiction who you have conversations with, 291 00:14:51.279 --> 00:14:52.679 can identify with this piece. 292 00:14:52.759 --> 00:14:53.399 It's just like. 293 00:14:55.080 --> 00:15:01.440 Time in active addiction feels like eternity. It feels like 294 00:15:02.000 --> 00:15:06.240 eternity that there's no like there's no out, you know, 295 00:15:06.360 --> 00:15:10.320 you're just stuck and it's ever forever long. But at 296 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:14.399 the same time, in looking back, it's like years would 297 00:15:14.440 --> 00:15:16.559 go by, and I'm like, I don't even know where 298 00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:20.120 those years went, like, But when you're in them, it's 299 00:15:20.200 --> 00:15:23.600 just misery is just it seems like it takes it's forever, 300 00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:24.919 you know. 301 00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:29.960 So yeah, it's hard to even imagine a way out. 302 00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:36.600 And when I'm coming up on my ten year anniversary 303 00:15:36.600 --> 00:15:39.519 of the liver failure and all that, and so I 304 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:43.480 had like little over half a month to complete before 305 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:48.080 I was on vacation, and that December of twenty fourteen, 306 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:52.120 I just tore it up. But before that, like I knew, 307 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:55.159 I started, I got the shakes and so much that 308 00:15:55.240 --> 00:15:57.720 I couldn't even go to the drive through liquor store 309 00:15:58.480 --> 00:16:00.879 because i have to hand my stuff through the window 310 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:02.840 and I'm shaking so bad. And the guy asked me 311 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:04.759 one time, I asked me, what's wrong. He knew what 312 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:06.519 was wrong. He's seen it every day he worked at 313 00:16:06.519 --> 00:16:09.679 the liquor store. So I knew there was something wrong, 314 00:16:09.720 --> 00:16:12.360 but I didn't know what to do or how to 315 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:14.960 reach out for help. I didn't think I needed help. 316 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:17.840 I thought I could just slow it down on my own, 317 00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:24.120 which I couldn't. And when I went balls to the wall, 318 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.320 there in that month and then tried to come back 319 00:16:26.360 --> 00:16:29.200 to work, you know, and it was just it was 320 00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:31.639 bad and I'd done the damage that needed to be 321 00:16:31.639 --> 00:16:34.360 done to send me to the hospital, but I still 322 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:37.399 didn't know how to ask for help. And I thought 323 00:16:37.440 --> 00:16:41.159 I was just like this horrible person who was an alcoholic, 324 00:16:41.200 --> 00:16:44.039 who you know, he couldn't handle his liquor, he didn't 325 00:16:44.039 --> 00:16:46.600 know how to drink responsible and like all the stuff 326 00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:50.279 that society tells you that you're a bad person, and 327 00:16:50.320 --> 00:16:52.279 it really I wasn't a bad person. 328 00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:52.440 Man. 329 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:54.480 It's alcohol, That's what it does. 330 00:16:54.519 --> 00:16:55.200 It's a disease. 331 00:16:55.279 --> 00:16:57.720 It doesn't say on the bottle you keep drinking this, 332 00:16:57.759 --> 00:16:59.639 you're gonna need two bottles, you're gonna need four bottles, 333 00:16:59.639 --> 00:17:01.919 you're gonnamore, You're gonna sweach. It doesn't tell you that, 334 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:04.519 you know, to get that same level of ah, like 335 00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:06.920 I want to escape, and a lot of us that's 336 00:17:06.920 --> 00:17:09.519 why we drink it, whether it's fun escape or whether 337 00:17:09.559 --> 00:17:17.119 it's escape misery. Crying now, he I think he fell over. 338 00:17:17.160 --> 00:17:19.119 I picked him up earlier and put him back on 339 00:17:19.160 --> 00:17:23.279 his little booty. Yeah, and I think he's he's wanting 340 00:17:23.480 --> 00:17:27.640 to readjust so you'll readjust him. I'll keep talking about 341 00:17:27.640 --> 00:17:31.000 this story that I've talked about million times, But it 342 00:17:31.079 --> 00:17:34.559 is important though to know that if someone's going through 343 00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:37.599 that in that same stage that I was, they're not 344 00:17:37.640 --> 00:17:40.480 going to see the clear view. They're not going to 345 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:43.720 see Hey, in five years you could be married and 346 00:17:44.039 --> 00:17:46.279 have a child, and own a home and start a 347 00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:50.079 nonprofit and help people in recovery. That all that was impossible, 348 00:17:50.519 --> 00:17:54.119 Like I don't even think I thought about making it 349 00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:56.680 through a day without a drink, Like how would I 350 00:17:56.759 --> 00:18:00.160 do that? That to me seemed impossible. So to to 351 00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:01.559 like add it up to like this is what your 352 00:18:01.559 --> 00:18:05.200 life could be, it would actually kind of make me 353 00:18:05.240 --> 00:18:07.880 more depressed sometimes. You know, my mom was showing these 354 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:10.319 videos look at this guy, or watch this and this 355 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:12.400 guy's doing great. Look at him and you know he 356 00:18:12.519 --> 00:18:16.200 was an addict, real bad and he turned it around. 357 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:21.400 And I'm like, yeah, that's that's not me. I can't 358 00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:25.359 do that, you know, So don't compare people and their 359 00:18:25.400 --> 00:18:28.240 stories to other things, but just know that it does happen. 360 00:18:28.279 --> 00:18:33.960 But if you can just sit back and maybe talk 361 00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:35.960 with the person. If you know someone who's struggling or 362 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:37.759 going through it, maybe talk with them, like what would 363 00:18:37.799 --> 00:18:39.640 you want to do, Like, if you could do anything 364 00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:42.200 in the world, what would you want to do? You know, 365 00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:45.039 because I think setting goals and having those dreams. Without those, 366 00:18:45.119 --> 00:18:48.079 I wouldn't be here, you know, if I wasn't like 367 00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:49.720 I'm going to start a nonprofit and I'm going to 368 00:18:49.799 --> 00:18:51.200 do this, and I'm going to start a podcast. 369 00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:54.720 But and the thing is, too is it's okay if 370 00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:58.000 you don't have an answer, yeah, because I don't think 371 00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:01.359 lots of times, I mean, I wasn't in that space 372 00:19:01.359 --> 00:19:04.519 where I could even wrap my head around like stopping 373 00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:07.240 let alone, it would just make me mad because I'm 374 00:19:07.279 --> 00:19:11.359 like I can't even comprehend what I could be, what 375 00:19:11.400 --> 00:19:13.960 I'm capable of right now, Like I don't even want to. 376 00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:17.960 I don't even want to evaluate like what I can 377 00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:23.400 do or what are possibilities for me because I'm so sick, 378 00:19:24.119 --> 00:19:26.480 you know. But to get on the other side of it, 379 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:28.680 it does help to have that conversation about like, you know, 380 00:19:28.720 --> 00:19:31.559 it doesn't have to be like this, Like you know, 381 00:19:31.640 --> 00:19:34.079 it doesn't have to be like this because every person 382 00:19:34.119 --> 00:19:37.039 who's stuck in their addiction has been sober at one time. 383 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:40.640 Granted it might have been when they were thirteen years old, right, 384 00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:44.960 But they found joy at some point in something, you know, 385 00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:47.039 and they can find it again. I mean, it's just 386 00:19:47.279 --> 00:19:51.160 it's about it's about figuring out how to let go 387 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:54.920 of that obsession and putting down the bottle and figuring 388 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:55.960 out that there's more. 389 00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:01.839 And in my case too, like I had some issues 390 00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:04.920 that I had suppressed deep down that I didn't want 391 00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:07.319 to deal with. You know that I'm a guy. I'm cool, 392 00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:10.279 not depressed. That didn't happened to me. Nothing to see here, 393 00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:14.039 you know, those kind of things, and until like it 394 00:20:14.119 --> 00:20:16.720 all came together, you know, and it came together in 395 00:20:16.759 --> 00:20:19.519 a treatment facility, which was good for me because it 396 00:20:19.599 --> 00:20:21.720 gave me that time to work on myself. 397 00:20:21.799 --> 00:20:22.079 Yeah. 398 00:20:22.200 --> 00:20:24.160 You know a lot of people, I don't have sixty days. 399 00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:25.799 I don't have ninety days. I can't go that long 400 00:20:25.880 --> 00:20:27.640 my job at this by that, I don't have any 401 00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:30.839