WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.840 --> 00:00:04.799 Hey everyone, it's me Stephanie Wilder Tailor. This is Drunkish 2 00:00:04.839 --> 00:00:08.519 the podcast. But you knew that the goal of this 3 00:00:08.679 --> 00:00:13.039 podcast is to have fun conversations about sobriety without preaching. 4 00:00:13.240 --> 00:00:16.760 Just keep it real and please please help me grow 5 00:00:17.280 --> 00:00:20.440 and go rate and review if you have one minute. 6 00:00:20.839 --> 00:00:24.239 I'm really excited about today's episode. I have Eleise Bryson. 7 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:28.160 She's got twenty years sober. She's the founder of the 8 00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:33.039 Sober Curator, which is a lifestyle website all about sobriety. 9 00:00:33.079 --> 00:00:38.960 They have stories, poetry, they talk about non alcoholic drink options, 10 00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:44.119 they recommend quit lit books, and so much more. So 11 00:00:44.280 --> 00:00:47.520 go check them out. We will get into all of 12 00:00:47.560 --> 00:00:50.759 this and how she founded this website in the episode. 13 00:00:51.200 --> 00:01:10.159 So here's a lease, and we are here with a lease. 14 00:01:10.359 --> 00:01:14.280 Thank you so much for coming on the show with 15 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:18.840 short notice, and uh this is this is airing tomorrow, 16 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:19.879 so I'm excited. 17 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:22.599 Well that is short notice. Thank you for having me, Stephanie. 18 00:01:22.599 --> 00:01:23.480 I'm thrilled to be here. 19 00:01:24.200 --> 00:01:24.400 Yeah. 20 00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:26.000 I don't do a lot of it's not a lot 21 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:27.760 of bells and whistles on this podcast. 22 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:31.120 I it's it's you pretty real. Yeah, live to you know, 23 00:01:31.239 --> 00:01:33.519 live to tape, but edit. 24 00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:36.400 I let your story flow and let unless you say 25 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:37.640 some stuff that later. 26 00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:40.879 You're like, uh oh that has happened, said too much? 27 00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:44.359 That has happened. I unfortunately learned the hard way. 28 00:01:45.359 --> 00:01:48.319 One time I shared some stuff that my mom did 29 00:01:48.319 --> 00:01:51.760 not know about me, and it was okay, like I 30 00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:53.879 she shouldn't she should have known that about me, but 31 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:57.280 she should not have heard it from a podcast versus 32 00:01:57.319 --> 00:01:58.319 me just telling her. 33 00:01:58.760 --> 00:01:59.760 So I learned that once. 34 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:02.200 And then one time I shared some things about the 35 00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:05.200 father of my child and like a day later, I 36 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:07.280 had to call the podcast or be like, I'm sorry, 37 00:02:07.319 --> 00:02:09.560 you have to take that out, like or I'm going 38 00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:11.159 to have to make amends and I don't want to 39 00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:12.960 do that, so can we just take it out? 40 00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:16.159 So I have learned. I have learned. 41 00:02:16.360 --> 00:02:20.319 Yes, my friend and I wanted to come out with 42 00:02:20.360 --> 00:02:23.000 a t shirt line that was something like I don't 43 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:26.280 have room for you on my tent step like you know, little. 44 00:02:26.039 --> 00:02:27.680 That's good, that's good. 45 00:02:27.879 --> 00:02:29.719 The only people you know if you know, you know. 46 00:02:30.280 --> 00:02:31.199 I love inside. 47 00:02:31.240 --> 00:02:35.360 I love inside bench bench bench talk or inside talk, 48 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:36.039 whatever it is. 49 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:38.039 I love that I've been here for that all day long. 50 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:42.080 One time I went to this meeting, and I called 51 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:45.800 my sponsor afterwards and I was so mad, and I said, 52 00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:49.120 all these I shared at this I shared at this meeting, 53 00:02:49.159 --> 00:02:52.080 and all these people were like, I said, I don't 54 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:54.560 just don't know if I'm an alcoholic. I'm just not sure, 55 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:57.599 Like I mean, I'm going to like I'm I'm I'm 56 00:02:57.639 --> 00:02:59.840 staying sober, but I just don't know if I want 57 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:02.919 that label. And I said, all these people shared the well, 58 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:05.360 I know I'm an alcoholic, and I was I was like, 59 00:03:05.400 --> 00:03:07.840 and they were directing that at me, they were judging me, 60 00:03:08.280 --> 00:03:09.719 and I was like, I think I need to do 61 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:11.960 a ten step on the on the whole meeting. 62 00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:16.199 The whole room, the whole room is on the list tonight, folks. 63 00:03:16.960 --> 00:03:20.400 My sponsor said, or you just let it go. 64 00:03:21.199 --> 00:03:23.039 I was like, oh, there's also that. Yeah. 65 00:03:23.039 --> 00:03:28.400 Also, that would be a lot less work. So tell 66 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:31.280 me about yourself. You we we were just talking before 67 00:03:31.280 --> 00:03:34.159 I hit record. You're twenty years sober. 68 00:03:34.680 --> 00:03:42.680 Just turned twenty yeah, May first to twenty twenty six first, Yeah, 69 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:45.639 because I'm telling you, cool kids get sober in May. 70 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:48.680 Also in the other months, but there's just May is 71 00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:49.479 a big month. 72 00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:53.319 Something must have happened or happens every May, because I 73 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:57.599 just noticed. You notice after enough decades, right when you're 74 00:03:57.599 --> 00:04:01.120 in places at celebrate anniversary, birthdays, whatever you want to. 75 00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:04.000 Call it, Like some months have a lot more than others. 76 00:04:04.039 --> 00:04:06.759 Like January is another really big month, and that one's 77 00:04:06.840 --> 00:04:08.159 kind of obvious as to why. 78 00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:11.280 But I've just noticed that May is a big month. 79 00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:14.680 Yeah, I think it's kind of hacked to get sober 80 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:15.400 in January. 81 00:04:15.479 --> 00:04:17.240 So I want it to be different, you know. 82 00:04:17.639 --> 00:04:18.920 Yeah, I will say. 83 00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:22.879 So my date is May first, and that was before 84 00:04:23.160 --> 00:04:25.160 May the fourth, be with you, and I'm a star 85 00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:28.959 wars nerd so I'm a little like I contemplated one year. 86 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:30.839 I was like a little relapse, just a little three 87 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:32.720 day or like, so I could get the date that 88 00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:33.199 I want. 89 00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:36.000 And then my sponsor at the time, she's. 90 00:04:35.879 --> 00:04:39.000 Like, was like, or you could just change your date, 91 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.360 like there's not like a date police, And I was. 92 00:04:42.319 --> 00:04:46.199 Like, oh, but also but it wasn't that day. 93 00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:49.079 But I mean probably I had enough in my system 94 00:04:49.079 --> 00:04:52.120 it could have been that day, like you know, but anyway, 95 00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:54.839 I stuck with the OG date. But I do think 96 00:04:55.399 --> 00:04:57.199 if I if I ever have to do it again, 97 00:04:57.240 --> 00:04:59.839 I'm gonna be thoughtful about the date because you use 98 00:04:59.879 --> 00:05:03.639 it so frequently, so it's an important day, like you know, 99 00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:05.000 you know. 100 00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:09.160 When I first got sober. The truth is, I'm admitting 101 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:10.839 this to you for the first time. I don't know 102 00:05:10.839 --> 00:05:14.480 if I've said this ever. The truth was that May 103 00:05:14.519 --> 00:05:16.720 twenty second was the last time I got drunk. 104 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:21.959 May twenty third actually my sobriety date. 105 00:05:22.079 --> 00:05:24.920 Yeah, but somehow in my head at the beginning, because 106 00:05:24.920 --> 00:05:28.199 it makes sense, I was like, Okay, May twenty second, 107 00:05:28.199 --> 00:05:32.639 that's my last. Then I finished drinking, and I just 108 00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:35.040 never really it just never occurred to me for a 109 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:37.000 long for a couple of years, and then I was like, 110 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:40.600 you know, if you really think about it, I wasn't 111 00:05:40.720 --> 00:05:42.160 sober on May twenty second. 112 00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:43.959 I was sober on May twenty third. But then I 113 00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:46.759 was like, I was sort of it. That was my birthday. 114 00:05:47.279 --> 00:05:48.199 I'm going to change it. 115 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:51.279 And I already got my birthday tattooed on my body, 116 00:05:51.959 --> 00:05:55.160 so like there's kind of you know, I'm committed at 117 00:05:55.160 --> 00:05:58.079 this point. And somebody asked me once what happens if 118 00:05:58.079 --> 00:05:59.839 you do relapse, and I was like, you know, here's 119 00:05:59.879 --> 00:06:04.360 the thing. I would just add the new date and 120 00:06:04.439 --> 00:06:06.720 maybe put a thin line through the old date, because 121 00:06:07.120 --> 00:06:10.199 me relapsing doesn't mean the old date didn't matter. It 122 00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:13.439 mattered in a big, big, big, big big way, right, 123 00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:16.839 So it doesn't. So that's the other thing about dates 124 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:19.240 is they can be important. You can lose them, and 125 00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:22.079 they don't lose their importance because they're still part of 126 00:06:22.120 --> 00:06:25.360 the journey, part of the process. And I say this 127 00:06:25.480 --> 00:06:29.319 because one of my best friend's sons just got sober 128 00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:32.879 and wait for it, his day is May the fourth, 129 00:06:33.319 --> 00:06:34.920 and I was like, dude, I don't want to and 130 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:37.639 that means he's like not even sixty days sober at 131 00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:40.560 this point, right, or just barely sixty days. And I 132 00:06:40.600 --> 00:06:42.199 was like, dude, I don't want to put the pressure on, 133 00:06:42.360 --> 00:06:45.199 but like, you have picked the best date and you 134 00:06:45.240 --> 00:06:48.560 don't even know it. So just like, if you relapse, 135 00:06:48.600 --> 00:06:50.600 I'm still gonna love you, I'm still gonna support you, 136 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:53.279 but I will probably have a resentment that you had 137 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:54.879 the best sober day of the year and you threw 138 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:55.279 it away. 139 00:06:55.759 --> 00:06:56.240 Yeah. 140 00:06:56.439 --> 00:06:58.639 Yeah, I hope that helps him. 141 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:02.600 I hope so too. Sure, right, the pressure, So. 142 00:07:02.519 --> 00:07:04.800 Tell me a little bit about your story, like what 143 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:08.600 was going on more than twenty years ago, more. 144 00:07:08.439 --> 00:07:11.800 Than twenty years ago, so more than twenty years ago, 145 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:16.000 like twenty and a half years ago. I woke up, 146 00:07:16.079 --> 00:07:21.079 I was I had I had gotten I woke up 147 00:07:21.160 --> 00:07:22.839 I live in this I grew up in a small 148 00:07:22.879 --> 00:07:27.639 town between Seattle and Portland, and I had moved back 149 00:07:27.639 --> 00:07:30.279 there when I first had my son. Young single mom, 150 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:33.399 I got sober, I got not sober. I definitely did 151 00:07:33.399 --> 00:07:35.920 not get sober at twenty. I got pregnant at twenty, 152 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:39.000 so young single mom. I had gone to college, lasted 153 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:41.360 in Seattle for like two years, and I was back 154 00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:44.360 home immediately pregnant and trying to figure out my life. 155 00:07:44.439 --> 00:07:46.199 And then I fell into. 156 00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:49.279 A job in advertising at the local newspaper. And I'm 157 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:52.639 really good at it. I'm really good at talking. I'm 158 00:07:52.680 --> 00:07:55.480 really good at talking people into things. I'm really good 159 00:07:55.639 --> 00:07:58.839 like listening to what people need and then like, here's 160 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:05.000 the solution, and a salesperson that's over drinks. So it 161 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:08.319 was literally the perfect job for me until it wasn't right. 162 00:08:08.360 --> 00:08:10.360 And so I woke up one day and I had 163 00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:14.079 burned most of the bridges in this very small town, 164 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:16.120 and I was like, I got to get out of here. 165 00:08:16.600 --> 00:08:19.800 And my kid's dad and his stepmom lived like north 166 00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:21.879 of Seattle. So I was like, I'm gonna move to Seattle. 167 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:24.360 I'm gonna work for the Seattle Times, and I'll be 168 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:26.160 closer to his dad, and I'm just going to start 169 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:26.720 my life over. 170 00:08:26.839 --> 00:08:30.240 Because you know, those of us that deal with deep. 171 00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:34.399 Addictions, like we love the concept of a clean slate 172 00:08:34.440 --> 00:08:36.559 and a do over, like right, We're obsessed with it. 173 00:08:36.799 --> 00:08:39.039 We have a name for it. We call it a geographic. 174 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:40.799 Do call it a geographic? 175 00:08:41.399 --> 00:08:45.080 And so literally from the time I woke up that 176 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:46.919 morning and was like, I got to get out of 177 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.000 here because I had I had stirred up some major drama, right, 178 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:51.679 some major drama, and I. 179 00:08:51.639 --> 00:08:52.799 Was like, I got to get out of here. 180 00:08:52.919 --> 00:08:56.080 Thirty days later, like to the day I was in Seattle, 181 00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:58.080 I had the job at the Seattle Times, and I 182 00:08:58.200 --> 00:09:01.399 was starting over, right, And it was then in that 183 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:06.840 six month window that literally all emotional hell broke loose. 184 00:09:07.039 --> 00:09:09.519 So I had had a lot of consequences from my 185 00:09:09.639 --> 00:09:13.679 drinking over my career I started around sixteen, A lot 186 00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:18.120 of consequences, A lot of shady things happened. I did 187 00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:21.799 a lot of shady things, right, because when you put 188 00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:24.679 your plate yourself in shady places with shady people, like 189 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:29.200 shady things will happen. But this six month, like the 190 00:09:29.279 --> 00:09:32.600 last six months of my drinking career, nothing really shady 191 00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:37.279 significant happened, other than because I had removed myself from 192 00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:39.480 one environment and put myself in a new environment where 193 00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:42.200 I didn't know very many people. My drinking at home 194 00:09:42.440 --> 00:09:46.000 really escalated, like really escalated, because up until that point, 195 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:48.879 I was just the good time girl, right like I'll 196 00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:50.360 go out any night of the week and we'll have 197 00:09:50.440 --> 00:09:52.879 a great time, and I'm a lot of fun until 198 00:09:52.919 --> 00:09:55.519 I'm not kind of girl. Right Well, now I'm I 199 00:09:55.720 --> 00:09:57.720 got my son, I don't really know anybody, so. 200 00:09:57.679 --> 00:09:59.720 I'm drinking at home alone a lot. 201 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:02.440 And that's where and I don't know, like I felt 202 00:10:02.480 --> 00:10:04.399 it in my body, something shifted. 203 00:10:04.759 --> 00:10:06.440 I'd always been a blackout drinker. 204 00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:09.639 That was not new, And I had always been when 205 00:10:09.639 --> 00:10:11.200 I start drinking, I can't stop. 206 00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:12.159 That was not new. 207 00:10:12.679 --> 00:10:15.840 But there was something else that shifted that I can't 208 00:10:15.919 --> 00:10:20.000 I've never been able to like really like label properly. 209 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:24.919 It was I like I really lost control and and 210 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:27.320 then it was like I was I was breaking every 211 00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:29.759 rule I had, Like I don't drink before eight pm, 212 00:10:29.960 --> 00:10:31.679 or I don't drink on Tuesdays. 213 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:34.840 That's not true. Daco Tuesday. I always drink on Taco. 214 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:37.440 Tuesday Market, Like you know, I like it, just things 215 00:10:37.679 --> 00:10:40.679 like like I know why, I really no longer had 216 00:10:40.679 --> 00:10:45.600 a handle on it. And the I had started carpooling 217 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:48.240 with this woman I was working at the Seattle time. 218 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:52.039 Started carpooling with this woman. She was sober and if 219 00:10:52.080 --> 00:10:54.399 we car pulled together. She also lived in the area 220 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:56.480 that I did, and it was a pretty healthy commute 221 00:10:56.480 --> 00:10:58.919 into the city, like an hour each way, and we 222 00:10:58.960 --> 00:11:01.840 would get free parking, and parking was expensive then. It's 223 00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:05.559 expensive now, but it was expensive then, and I wanted 224 00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:06.600 to save as much money as I. 225 00:11:06.559 --> 00:11:09.240 Could so I could buy my alcohol and the other 226 00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:10.080 things I use with that. 227 00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:13.240 And so here I am stuck in the car with 228 00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:16.080 a sober woman like two hours a day, five days 229 00:11:16.120 --> 00:11:16.759 a week. 230 00:11:17.080 --> 00:11:19.080 And I didn't and didn't. 231 00:11:19.200 --> 00:11:21.399 She's not somebody at first I would have like chosen 232 00:11:21.559 --> 00:11:23.960 to hang out with. But you spend that much time 233 00:11:23.960 --> 00:11:25.759 with someone, you get to know them, or at least 234 00:11:25.759 --> 00:11:28.759 she got to know me. Because I was monop monopolizing 235 00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:31.480 the conversation as I'm doing right now. But I just 236 00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:35.240 started telling her all of my junk right and she 237 00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:37.240 would just sit there and listen to it, and she'd 238 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:40.799 be like, yeah, I know what that's like. I very similar. 239 00:11:40.840 --> 00:11:44.559 If you ever want to know what I did, I'm 240 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:45.879 happy to like share it with you. 241 00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:47.360 I'm happy to take you to a meeting. 242 00:11:47.399 --> 00:11:50.240 And I was like, no, thanks, Like I don't even 243 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:52.200 really like you, so I don't want what you have, 244 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:54.279 but just keep listening to my stuff. 245 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:56.399 Yeah, boring, just keep listening to my stuff. 246 00:11:56.559 --> 00:12:01.000 Well, time march on and that inevitable weekend came and 247 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:03.000 I called my sister and I was like, I really 248 00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:04.080 can't do this anymore. 249 00:12:04.120 --> 00:12:06.240 This is really getting out of control. Like I could 250 00:12:06.279 --> 00:12:07.159 see the end. 251 00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:10.519 I could see I hadn't lost anything. I also had 252 00:12:10.559 --> 00:12:14.600 not gained anything. I think that's doesn't get talked about enough. 253 00:12:14.639 --> 00:12:16.320 I think we talk a lot about what we lose, 254 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:19.279 but like all the things I didn't gain because I 255 00:12:19.320 --> 00:12:22.720 couldn't because I was either drunk or hungover. Right, but 256 00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:26.000 I could see that I was going to lose my house, 257 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:28.440 or lose my driver's license because I was definitely a 258 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:31.240 drunk driver, or lose my job or lose custody of 259 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:33.720 my kid. Like it was like it was all about 260 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:36.360 to tip and I somehow had this foresight like it 261 00:12:36.440 --> 00:12:40.159 was going to go down badly. And I called my sister, 262 00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:43.919 who was a chaplain at the time. She's a therapist 263 00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:47.120 now specializing in drug and alcohol addiction. I like to 264 00:12:47.159 --> 00:12:49.879 take credit for her career. She just never appreciates that. 265 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:52.240 So I think I really helped her find her way. 266 00:12:53.440 --> 00:12:55.840 And she had me call one of those eight hundred 267 00:12:55.919 --> 00:12:58.879 hotline numbers, which was in Seattle. It was inner group, 268 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:01.799 and you know, there was some really happy person on 269 00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:03.919 the other side of the phone telling me to dump 270 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.360 out my alcohol. And I was like, you're crazy. I'm 271 00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:07.639 not going to dump it out. I'll give it to 272 00:13:07.639 --> 00:13:10.080 one of my friends. But like that's like I don't 273 00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:13.039 even recycle, but I'm not doing that. Like that's crazy. 274 00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:16.639 And so I called my sister back and I was like, 275 00:13:16.679 --> 00:13:17.600 that didn't really work. 276 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:19.480 You know, she wants me to jump out the alcohol. 277 00:13:19.480 --> 00:13:20.120 I'm not doing that. 278 00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:21.840 And she's like, why don't you call the carpool lady 279 00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:25.200 And I was like, uh, carpool lady. 280 00:13:25.799 --> 00:13:26.279 So I did. 281 00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:28.679 I called the carpool lady and Carpoolady took me to 282 00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:31.679 my first meeting, which I of course hated. 283 00:13:32.159 --> 00:13:34.159 To be clear, it was an Alano club. 284 00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:35.919 I hated it. 285 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:38.919 I hated it so much so then I made the 286 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:42.200 very quick decision of that's not for me. That's not 287 00:13:42.200 --> 00:13:44.559 going to work, that doesn't work, it's not for me, right, 288 00:13:45.240 --> 00:13:47.440 And so then that set me off on my little 289 00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:51.399 adventure of interviewing going to different therapists. I went to 290 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:54.519 a couple of treatment centers and did like an intake form, 291 00:13:54.840 --> 00:13:58.480 and weird, all of them were suggesting that I like 292 00:13:58.600 --> 00:14:01.039 Sandra Bullock twenty eight Days. 293 00:14:00.679 --> 00:14:03.200 And I was like, listen, I'm a single mom. 294 00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:05.559 I have a career. I don't have time for that. 295 00:14:06.120 --> 00:14:08.120 Like there has to be like is there a pill 296 00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:10.159 or something you can give me? I love pills, Like 297 00:14:10.200 --> 00:14:12.759 there's got to be like a pill, you know. And 298 00:14:12.759 --> 00:14:17.080 they're like, no, no, have you tried? Have you tried 299 00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:19.919 a twelve step room? And I was like, up, totally 300 00:14:19.960 --> 00:14:24.039 did it and not for me? Right? And and she 301 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:25.840 then prodded, she was like, can you tell me a 302 00:14:25.879 --> 00:14:28.480 little bit more why? And so as she prodded, I 303 00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:32.639 gave my answers and she's like, well, there is there 304 00:14:32.799 --> 00:14:39.600 is a there is a meeting here at the treatment 305 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:41.759 center for women only on Tuesday night. 306 00:14:42.279 --> 00:14:43.559 I was I knew, I was. 307 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:45.360 I knew they were going to say, have you tried 308 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:46.440 a women's only meeting? 309 00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:46.639 Uh? 310 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:47.159 Huh? 311 00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:50.960 And because women only, no, thanks, like men only sign 312 00:14:51.000 --> 00:14:53.440 me up, you know, but like uh so I was 313 00:14:53.480 --> 00:14:56.000 like uh, And she's like, listen, I think if you 314 00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:56.840 tried this one. 315 00:14:57.360 --> 00:15:00.080 It's mostly for inpatient, which we still really. 316 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:03.039 Commend you do, but the people that come through the 317 00:15:03.080 --> 00:15:06.039 program and then come back like from outside, you could 318 00:15:06.039 --> 00:15:07.960 come to it. And I was like, I'll keep that 319 00:15:08.039 --> 00:15:10.600 in mind. And then she told me they had an 320 00:15:10.600 --> 00:15:12.679 outpatient program, and I was like, I can do that. 321 00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:14.159 I'm gonna skip over in patient. 322 00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:16.200 I'm gonna go straight to outpatient because I'm just so 323 00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:20.200 advanced at everything in life. And I'm gonna wait till 324 00:15:20.279 --> 00:15:22.519 summer break and my son will go stay with my 325 00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:25.159 parents and then I will work during the day, I 326 00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:27.440 will outpatient at night. I will see my son on 327 00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:30.960 the weekends. I Am going to project manage my rock bottom, 328 00:15:31.159 --> 00:15:34.639 right And they were like, this doesn't this is not 329 00:15:34.720 --> 00:15:36.960 a good idea, but okay, if this is the only 330 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:39.120 and at this point. It was like we were like 331 00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:42.000 in April, right, and so she was like, well, what 332 00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:45.080 are you gonna do between now and then to not drink? 333 00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:48.399 And I was just like, I'm gonna drink. What are 334 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:51.200 you talking about? Like, I don't have to not drink 335 00:15:51.240 --> 00:15:56.600 for another like thirty days, Calm down, right, And that's 336 00:15:56.600 --> 00:15:58.519 what she was like, again, the meeting will be here, 337 00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:02.399 and I'm like I'll sure, okay. Well, then some time 338 00:16:02.440 --> 00:16:05.440 went by, and then inevitably I had one of those 339 00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:08.919 weekends of so much shame, guilt and shame. 340 00:16:09.360 --> 00:16:11.080 And you know, I was just telling this story the 341 00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:12.279 other day of my last drink. 342 00:16:12.320 --> 00:16:14.919 If I had known that my last drink was going 343 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:16.720 to be my last drink, I would have done a 344 00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:20.679 much better job, because my last drink is sad and pathetic. 345 00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:23.840 It was a Sunday. I had been bend shrinking all 346 00:16:23.879 --> 00:16:28.240 weekend and I woke up very hungover on the couch 347 00:16:28.360 --> 00:16:31.399 and my son was watching SpongeBob. I can still see 348 00:16:31.440 --> 00:16:34.879 the room very clearly. We had one of those really big, old, 349 00:16:34.960 --> 00:16:38.000 the old school big screen TVs that were like just 350 00:16:38.039 --> 00:16:40.559 as wide deep as they were wide, you know the 351 00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:41.399 one I'm talking about. 352 00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:44.840 Oh yeah, And how old was your son at this time? 353 00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:46.279 It was nine at the time. 354 00:16:46.759 --> 00:16:50.600 Okay, it's almost thirty now, and I was looking around 355 00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:53.000 immediately I woke up and I needed a drink right 356 00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:55.320 And the only thing that was left over was this 357 00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:59.080 warm bottle of opened wine or champagne. It was light 358 00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:01.639 in color, so I don't remember now, and he had 359 00:17:01.639 --> 00:17:04.240 the night before he had started filling it with gumballs, 360 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:08.319 trying to get me to stop drinking it. That was 361 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:13.279 my last drink is warm unopened or warm wine that 362 00:17:13.319 --> 00:17:15.240 had been opened overnight. 363 00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:19.079 Filled with gumballs. Like that's sad, you know, it's sad. 364 00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:23.079 And so so I ended up going to one of 365 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:26.599 those meetings on that Tuesday night, and what do you know, 366 00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:30.880 I heard my story over and over and over and 367 00:17:30.920 --> 00:17:33.599 over and over, like every single woman had the like 368 00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:36.000 exact details of my story. 369 00:17:36.319 --> 00:17:38.160 Not there were no like even variants. 370 00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:41.000 There was no wiggle room for me to be like, no, 371 00:17:41.319 --> 00:17:42.680 you're not like them I had. 372 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:47.119 I just really confronted the reality of, oh, you are 373 00:17:47.160 --> 00:17:48.000 an alcoholic. 374 00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:50.240 I'm very comfortable with that word. Some people aren't, and 375 00:17:50.279 --> 00:17:52.279 it's okay if you're not, I am. I am too, 376 00:17:52.799 --> 00:17:54.880 But it takes like I wasn't. 377 00:17:54.680 --> 00:17:58.160 Then, right, I wasn't then, And I was like, you are. 378 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:00.880 And and the thing is I had said it before, 379 00:18:01.359 --> 00:18:03.079 but i'd said it like a badge of honor, as 380 00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:05.359 like a joke, like yeah, I'm a professional drinker. Okay, 381 00:18:05.359 --> 00:18:08.839 I never got paid to drink, to be clear. And 382 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:11.119 I was so overwhelmed. And I have told this story 383 00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:13.720 many times before too, but I ran out of that meeting. 384 00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:14.599 I got in my car. 385 00:18:14.680 --> 00:18:17.200 I didn't stay to hold hands, I didn't stay to 386 00:18:17.240 --> 00:18:20.759 put my chair away. I ran because I confronting reality 387 00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:23.640 in public brings on emotions. 388 00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:24.720 Which I didn't know what to do with, and I 389 00:18:24.839 --> 00:18:25.440 needed out. 390 00:18:25.559 --> 00:18:27.839 Like if one person had like looked at me funny 391 00:18:27.920 --> 00:18:30.200 or tried to hug me, I would have completely lost 392 00:18:30.200 --> 00:18:32.680 my shit. And I ran to the car, and I 393 00:18:32.759 --> 00:18:35.799 was so mad at God. I grew up in a 394 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:38.400 Christian home. Both my grandfathers were pastors. I went to 395 00:18:38.440 --> 00:18:41.039 a private Christian school where my mother was the teacher. Right, 396 00:18:41.319 --> 00:18:43.000 so I don't have I don't have a problem with 397 00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:45.359 the concept of God or a higher power. I was 398 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:48.519 really mad at God because I was like, Okay, you know, 399 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:51.680 I'm chubby, I'm single, I'm a single Mom, I'm. 400 00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:53.640 Barely living paycheck to paycheck, and. 401 00:18:53.559 --> 00:18:55.799