WEBVTT 1 00:00:07.160 --> 00:00:10.800 Carbon gate. I had walked past that stone wall a 2 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:15.759 hundred times, maybe more. It ran along the south side 3 00:00:15.759 --> 00:00:19.719 of the lane, old and gray, covered in moss and ivy, 4 00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:24.359 ordinary as anything. I walked past it on my way 5 00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:28.160 to the shops, on my way home, on my way 6 00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:31.920 to nowhere in particular. I had never stopped to look 7 00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:35.679 at it closely. It was just a wall, the way 8 00:00:35.759 --> 00:00:41.119 walls are. But that afternoon something was different. The light 9 00:00:41.320 --> 00:00:44.600 was different. The late sun was coming through the trees 10 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:48.759 at a low angle, warm and golden, and it fell 11 00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:51.359 across the stone wall in a way that made every 12 00:00:51.520 --> 00:00:57.039 crack and crevice visible, every texture real. And in the wall, 13 00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:00.640 where I had never noticed it before, there was a gate. 14 00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:05.560 It was small, no taller than I was made of 15 00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:09.239 iron that had got green with age. The hinges were 16 00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:12.640 thick and old, and the latch was shaped like a leaf. 17 00:01:13.599 --> 00:01:16.120 It was set into the wall between two stones that 18 00:01:16.159 --> 00:01:19.319 were slightly larger than the rest, as if the wall 19 00:01:19.359 --> 00:01:22.959 had been built around it. From the very beginning, ivy 20 00:01:22.959 --> 00:01:25.760 climbed over the top of it, but the gate itself 21 00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:29.480 was clear, as if something had kept the vines from crossing. 22 00:01:30.439 --> 00:01:33.480 I stood in front of it and felt something strange. 23 00:01:33.719 --> 00:01:38.200 Not fear, not curiosity exactly, but a kind of recognition, 24 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:42.680 as if I had been standing here before, and exactly 25 00:01:42.719 --> 00:01:46.879 this spot, looking at exactly this gate, as if I 26 00:01:46.920 --> 00:01:49.879 had always meant to find it. I reached out and 27 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:53.920 touched the latch. The iron was cool under my fingers, 28 00:01:54.599 --> 00:01:58.359 smooth where hands had touched it many times over many years. 29 00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:02.560 I lifted the latch, and the gate opened with a 30 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:06.239 sound that was not a creek, but a sigh, soft 31 00:02:06.319 --> 00:02:09.840 and welcoming, like the gate had been holding its breath 32 00:02:09.879 --> 00:02:13.800 and was finally allowed to exhale. Beyond the gate was 33 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:17.240 a garden. It was not a large garden. It was 34 00:02:17.360 --> 00:02:20.800 enclosed on all sides by the same stone wall, and 35 00:02:20.879 --> 00:02:23.360 it could not have been more than thirty feet across. 36 00:02:24.039 --> 00:02:26.680 But it was the most beautiful place I had ever seen. 37 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:30.919 Roses grew along the wall in great soft clouds of 38 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:35.319 pink and white, and deep red. Lavender lined the path 39 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:38.599 in low purple rows, and the air was thick, with 40 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:43.080 the scent of it, sweet and clean and old. In 41 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:46.039 the center of the garden was a small stone fountain, 42 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:51.240 not running, but not dry either. Water sat in its basin, 43 00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:56.439 perfectly still, reflecting the sky. There were stepping stones set 44 00:02:56.479 --> 00:02:59.960 into the grass, worn smooth, and a narrow gravel path 45 00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:05.360 that curved between the flower beds like a ribbon. And everywhere, 46 00:03:05.560 --> 00:03:09.719 everywhere there was light. The late sun came through the 47 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:13.759 trees above the wall and fell in soft golden patches 48 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:17.159 on the grass, on the roses, on the water in 49 00:03:17.199 --> 00:03:20.240 the fountain. It was the kind of light that made 50 00:03:20.280 --> 00:03:24.280 everything look like a memory, soft and warm and just 51 00:03:24.360 --> 00:03:28.680 slightly out of reach. I stepped inside. The gate closed 52 00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:32.199 behind me softly, and the sounds of the lane fell away. 53 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:36.840 There was no traffic, no voices, no distant hum of 54 00:03:36.879 --> 00:03:40.199 the world. There was only the garden and the light, 55 00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:43.319 and the smell of lavender, and a silence that was 56 00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:47.280 full of peace. I walked along the path. My feet 57 00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:50.719 made no sound on the gravel. The roses brushed my 58 00:03:50.919 --> 00:03:54.840 arms as I passed, soft and cool against my skin. 59 00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:58.800 I reached out and touched one, and it was exactly 60 00:03:58.840 --> 00:04:02.400 as I had imagined it would be. The petals like silk, 61 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.560 the color so deep it seemed to glow. And then 62 00:04:06.599 --> 00:04:09.800 I knew. I knew it like I knew my own name. 63 00:04:10.520 --> 00:04:14.199 I had been here before, not in life, not in 64 00:04:14.280 --> 00:04:17.680 any memory. I could hold on to. But in dreams, 65 00:04:18.600 --> 00:04:22.480 I had dreamed this garden. I had dreamed the roses 66 00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:25.759 and the lavender, and the fountain. I had dreamed the 67 00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:28.759 way the light fell through the trees, the way the 68 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:33.439 path curved, the way the air smelled. I had dreamed 69 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:37.920 this gate, this exact gait, and I had dreamed opening 70 00:04:37.959 --> 00:04:42.560 it and stepping inside. I kept walking. The path led 71 00:04:42.600 --> 00:04:45.839 me past the fountain and around a small mound of earth, 72 00:04:46.279 --> 00:04:49.959 where violets grew in a purple carpet. Beyond the mound, 73 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:53.399 in the far corner of the garden, there was a bench. 74 00:04:54.279 --> 00:04:57.800 It was made of wood, old and silvered with age, 75 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:02.000 and it sat beneath an arch of wasysteria. The wisteria 76 00:05:02.160 --> 00:05:05.959 was in full bloom, its purple flowers hanging in long, 77 00:05:06.199 --> 00:05:10.319 soft curtains on either side of the bench. Swaying just 78 00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:13.959 slightly in a breeze, I could not feel. I sat down. 79 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:19.279 The bench was solid beneath me, worn smooth by years 80 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:23.360 of sitting. The wisteria hung over me like a canopy, 81 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:27.040 and I was enclosed in a small world of purple 82 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:30.720 and green and dappled light. I put my hands in 83 00:05:30.759 --> 00:05:33.600 my lap and looked out at the garden, and I 84 00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:36.360 felt something I had not felt in a very long time. 85 00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:40.920 I felt home. Not the home I lived in, not 86 00:05:41.079 --> 00:05:43.279 the house with the front door and the kitchen and 87 00:05:43.319 --> 00:05:49.560 the bed, something deeper than that, something older, the kind 88 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:52.839 of home that lives in the chest, in the place 89 00:05:52.879 --> 00:05:56.879 where breath starts, in the place where dreams come from. 90 00:05:58.120 --> 00:06:01.079 I had carried this garden inside me for years without 91 00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:06.199 knowing it, and now here it was real and solid 92 00:06:06.279 --> 00:06:10.639 and alive, and I was sitting in it. I leaned back. 93 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:15.720 The wistaria was soft against my shoulders, and the flowers 94 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:20.319 touched my hair like gentle fingers. A bee flew past, 95 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:26.120 slow and golden, humming to itself. The fountain caught a 96 00:06:26.199 --> 00:06:29.079 leaf and held it on the surface of the water, 97 00:06:30.040 --> 00:06:35.439 turning it slowly. Everything was moving, and everything was still, 98 00:06:36.439 --> 00:06:39.680 and time had stopped being a line and had become 99 00:06:39.759 --> 00:06:44.720 a circle, or a spiral, or a place. I remembered 100 00:06:44.759 --> 00:06:49.839 being small. I remembered being a child, standing in a 101 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:54.879 garden much like this one, holding my mother's hand. She 102 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:57.959 had been telling me something, but I could not hear 103 00:06:58.000 --> 00:07:03.040 the words, only the tone of her voice, soft and 104 00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:07.959 low and full of love. The roses had been tall, 105 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:12.959 taller than I was, and the lavender had brushed my knees, 106 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:18.279 and the light had been golden. Just like this. I 107 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:22.720 had been happy, I had been safe, I had been home. 108 00:07:23.959 --> 00:07:28.439 And here I was again, the same garden, the same light, 109 00:07:29.319 --> 00:07:33.720 the same peace. It had been waiting for me all 110 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:38.199 this time, behind a gate I had never noticed, in 111 00:07:38.279 --> 00:07:42.079 a wall I had walked past a hundred times. I 112 00:07:42.199 --> 00:07:46.759 closed my eyes. The scent of lavender filled me, and 113 00:07:46.839 --> 00:07:50.439 the sound of the bees hummed in my chest, and 114 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:53.319 the warmth of the sun lay on my face like 115 00:07:53.360 --> 00:07:57.680 a hand. I did not need to think. I did 116 00:07:57.680 --> 00:08:01.279 not need to do anything at all. I was just here, 117 00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:06.680 in this place, in this moment, and that was enough. 118 00:08:08.079 --> 00:08:10.920 I opened my eyes one more time and looked at 119 00:08:10.959 --> 00:08:14.720 the garden. The roses were glowing in the late light. 120 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:22.680 The fountain was still, the wisteria swayed just barely, just enough. 121 00:08:23.680 --> 00:08:28.360 Everything was exactly as it had always been, exactly as 122 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:32.519 it had always meant to be. I was home. I 123 00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:36.639 had always been home, and the garden knew it, and 124 00:08:36.759 --> 00:08:40.320 the gate knew it, and the old stone wall knew it, 125 00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:45.600 and I knew it. I closed my eyes again, and 126 00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:49.759 the garden held me, and I rested there in the 127 00:08:49.799 --> 00:08:52.399 place I had been dreaming of my whole life.