Speaker 1: A Soldier's Christmas by Owen Oliver. I had spent fifteen
Christmas days with my battalion. Upon the sixteenth, I woke
far away from it, and I decided that since I
couldn't have a soldier's Christmas, I wouldn't have any Christmas
at all. I rang for my man as soon as
it was light. He came in and saluted and stood
at attention. I had warned him when I bought him
out that if the army had done with me, I
hadn't done with the army, so he observed military discipline.
You will take every Christmas card that comes this morning
and put it on the fire, I commanded, Yes, sir,
And everything that looks like a Christmas circular or an invitation,
or all anything else. Burn the lot very good, sir,
And tell the porter that if anyone calls I am out, Yes, sir,
And tell his wife to send up just a plain
lunch and dinner. If there's Christmas pudding or anything of
that sort, she'll have no Christmas box from me. You'll
make that perfectly clear, Yes, sir. The post should come
about eleven. When you have disposed of it, you can
go for the day. Thank you, sir, He fidgeted about
in an unsoldierly fashion. Quite sure you won't want me, sir?
How dare you question my orders? I snapped? Do you
think I don't know my own mind because I'm on
the retired list. That wasn't strictly correct, but they had
told me that I should be possessed out next week.
Beg pardon, sir, I was only thinking I cut him short.
A soldier doesn't think he obeys you and I are
still soldiers. Know a board of idiots say I'm physically
unfit for further service. Unfit. I'd like to have the
whole board in this room and show them who's physically unfit.
I kicked off the bedclothes and jumped out of bed.
Give me the dumb bells and go and fetch my
shaving water. Unfit indeed, a mere kink in the leg.
Those fools at the war office will sit up when
they read my protest. Oh yes, sir. They don't know
what you did for the battalion, sir. The men are
terribly cut up about you leaving, sir, begging your pardon
for mentioning it. I had a letter from Conkie Davis,
who I roared six two four three A Davis E Company, Sir,
the one that I know. I know. There wasn't a
man in the battalion that I didn't know all about.
He says, if you'll excuse me for mentioning it, Sir,
did all the men say that Major Harder was the best? Stop?
I said? Do you think I don't know how soldier's right?
He doesn't say that. Harris fidgeted. It comes to that, sir,
He amended. He calls me Old Muster. Eh. I knew
they're named for me. Yes, sir, it doesn't mean any
harm they I know. I know Old Mustard. Eh. I
rubbed my hands. And what's the impudent scoundrel got to
say of Old Mustard? His exact words, Harris told me, solemnly,
begging your pardon, So were these You always got it
straight from him? And we'd rather be swore at by
Old Mustard than kissed by the colonel. I sat down
on the bed. Suddenly it upset me a bit to
know that the boys remembered me like that. Heaven bless them,
I said, I, what are you gaping at? Go and
get that shaving water. I understood the chaps and if
I'd lost both arms and both legs, I'd have been
able to manage the battalion. That's what those clever gentlemen
at the War Office didn't realize. I don't say they
didn't mean to treat me well, But what's the use
of a dso and a wound's pension to a man
who can't go on soldiering, and to turn him off
just before Christmas of all times. However, the colonel said
in his letter that he was carrying out my plans
for the Christmas dinner and the presents afterwards. That was
some consolation. I shaved and dressed and had breakfast. Then
I hobbled out for a walk in the park. At
least I started to go there, but there were so
many children and beggars wishing me a merry Christmas that
I soon returned to the flat again. They didn't know
any better, But my relatives and friends, who kept writing
to ask me to keep Christmas with them, ought to
have had more sense. He might have known that there
wasn't any Christmas for a man who had been turned
out of the army. I hope that every member of
the medical Board might be choked by his Christmas dinner
physically unfit. Indeed, i'd have knocked out any two of
them in five minutes if i'd had them in a
ten foot ring. When I returned, Harris was waiting on
the door mat with a handful of letters. I wasn't
quite sure if I understood the orders, sir, he declared,
there's one letter in particular that he didn't get any further.
I have told off a few soldiers in my time
for slackness in carrying out orders that I surpassed myself.
On this occasion, Harris ran off to the kitchen fire
in such a hurry that he even forgot to salute.
I think he was ashamed of himself, for he was
particularly anxious to make me comfortable before he went. I
got him out of trouble when he was young and raw,
and the beggar was always grateful. He was so cut
up when I was invalided that I had to bring
him away with me. When he had departed, I got
out all my papers. I kept them from the first
gazette and read them through. Then I read a letter
from the adjutant, which I liked better than the official documents.
You'll still be running the regiment, he wrote. When I
succeeded you as adjutant three years ago, I knew that
I'd stepped into the shoes of a man, and I
made up my mind to fill them. You have helped
me to do so all the time, and thanks to
your teaching, I think I shall be able to carry
on as you'd have me carry on. I shall always
feel that it's your regiment. That was how I felt
about it. The last two colonels had been easy going men.
They left everything to me when I was adjutant, and
they always consulted me afterwards. I had a note before
me now asking my advice about some difficulties with the
double company messing system. I wrote the answer on the
spot and sealed it up. I hoped that Harris hadn't
been and anything from the battalion. I hadn't sought to
mention that service letters were not to be included in
the bonfire. I always was a hasty beggar old mustard.
The boys knew me. I had begun a letter to
the adjutant advising him to watch C Company, whose captain
was too fidgety with the men, and to make sure
that F Company wasn't too much in the hands of
the pay sergeant. I'd caught Marshal every officer who leaves
cash payments to a sergeant, if I had my way.
I was going on to the question of non regulation
boots when I heard the front doorbell. I didn't answer it,
and didn't mean to, but presently I heard someone come
into the hall I hadn't knocked up after Harris. I
hobbled to the door of the room as fast as
I could go. All that deuced you mean by entering
my hall, I shouted, and then I stopped for the
intrude was my cousin, Alice, missus Barkham. We had been
like brother and sister since we were children toddling together.
She smiled and I frowned. Well, what the deuce do
you mean by it, Alice, I asked. You are brought
up as a sportswoman. You ought to know that there's
a close time for an old badger's licking his wounds
in his lair. Alice came and put her gloved hand
on my shoulder and kissed me. I know, she said,
dear old man. I felt so bad about it that
I had to come to the wounded soldier I'm not
a soldier any longer, I growled. They're turning me out
of the army physically unfit. The fools. You are a soldier,
she contradicted, And you'll always be a soldier, and you're
coming back with me to spend Christmas like a solid
a soldier. She put her hand on my arm again.
Who is too brave to let his troubles hurt his friends.
There is a certain silly old friend who has had
a little cry on Christmas morning over a letter. Dickie
dash it all, I cried. You don't mean to say that.
You come, come, commanding officer, I always called her. That
settle the case summarily. I've been lingering in hospital instead
of doing my duty. I'm an idiot. What's the punishment.
The punishment, she said, is to come back with me
and spend Christmas like a soldier. Who doesn't mean to
mourn about the soldiering that he can't do, but to
do manfully the soldiering that he can. That isn't much,
all I said, mournfully. I was all right in the regiment,
but I'm no use out of it or in it now,
No use, she cried, tossing back her head, as she
always did when she was very much in earnest. No use, why, Dickie,
Just think, what's the principal work of an old soldier?
What would yours have been if you'd stayed on and
commanded the battalion? You would, of course, isn't it to
make soldiers? Well, you've trained plenty of fellows to do that,
so many that your work will go on without you.
You are still training the battalion, Dickie. That's what Lane said.
I owned, Lane is the adjutant. It sounds very nice,
rather like an after dinner's speech. But I prefer to
be doing soldier's work myself, not my deputy. And you will.
Unless I'm very much mistaken, You'll soon find some way
of being useful to the army. For one thing, you'll
put soldiers hearts into lads into mine. Now, Dickie, get
your hat and coat and come and do your soldiering.
Show us how a brave soldier fights trouble and keeps
a cheerful face. And poor old man. Her voice quivered suddenly,
and she pulled out her handkerchief. For goodness sake, don't
I begged? Look here, you just be a brave soldier. Too,
old girl, no water works, I'm not, she denied gallantly.
Don't be a donkey. The cold has caught my eyes.
That's all. Hurry up, you slow soldier. I hurried up
and went off with her. I hailed a taxi cab
and gave Alice's address, and we drove away. I meant
to turn my mind right off the service, but Alice
artfully led me on to talk about military affairs, and
when I once started, I went on till we reached
her road. Now I've been boring you, I apologized. Then,
indeed you haven't, she cried, It has been most interesting.
I had no idea that officers thought out things like that.
Why the management of a regiment seems to be a
regular science with lords and principles. It ought to be,
I told her, But it generally isn't. Most fellows just
muddle along from one thing to another and never grasp
the principles of regimental economy. It doesn't occur to them
that there are principles. That's the deuce of it. I
always found them ready enough to do things in the
proper way when I pointed it out. Then she said,
why don't you write a book of proper ways. That
would be big soldier work. Dickie, you'd be making thousands
of good soldiers all through the art. I'm not much
good with the pen, I confessed. I can talk to soldiers,
but I'm afraid i'm a bit blunt, you know. Alice
laughed out loud, old mustard. She said, ah, you no, dear,
of course I do. If you wrote bluntly, not too
much mustard, it would be all the better. General Loringham
wrote to me about you when you got the DSO,
and he said that everybody knew your courage, but what
they didn't know was your remarkable understanding of regimental management.
Write a good, blunt book about it, dickie. Nobody will
read it, I grunted. Outside the regiment, one will, she asserted.
That is how the Management of a Regiment came to
be written. It is in the third edition, and they
use it as a book. If it is any good
the army. I have to thank my cousin, Alice, and
another lady. I'm coming to her presently. Alice's jovial husband
met me on the doorstep. Good old man, he cried,
I thought the commanding officer would drag you out. Now
you realize the despot is a mindiure if I didn't
kiss her under the missletoe there, fair lady, i'd get
no Christmas dinner. Well, I am glad to see you.
What are they thinking of to lose a chap like
you for a bit of a limp? Hello, here's the army.
My niece rushed at me and dragged me under the
mistletoe with a shout of uncle. They call me that.
Then the boys flew out to shake hands. By jove,
I cried, how you've all grown here? Give me a shoulder, Chris,
and I'll do without the stick s Eh? What believe?
I sent some of them as if I would, Yes, Yes,
I'll come. They hauled me into the breakfast room, and
Chris sat on my knee, and the boys stood close
by and began asking questions. They wanted to know all
about the fight for which I got the DSO And
the fight, eh, I said, it was just a wretched
little affair in the hills, a lot of black chaps
sniping and bolting whenever we tried to rush them. The leg.
Oh that was a poke with a rusty sword. It
wouldn't have been anything. If it had been doctored at once. Oh,
I wasn't it because there wasn't a doctor handy. We
were cut off for five days, the whole regiment now
about thirty of us. To begin with. How did it happen? Well,
the niggers made a rush and got six of our chaps,
and the colonel let me go at night with a
party to rescue them, because they weren't particularly nice to prisoners.
We recovered our chaps all right, but we couldn't get
away afterwards. Had to hold a sort of little temple
till relief came. March to eat, no, not much, plenty
of water, thank heaven. That's the main thing. How did
I fight with my bad leg? Didn't seem to notice
it much, then it got worse afterwards. How many men
did I shoot? I never was much good at arithmetic,
And Chris doesn't want to hear about that. What was
the temple like? Well, get me some paper and i'll
draw it. I spent the next hour describing the campaign
to Christen the boys. Arthur is fifteen and Dick, he
was named after me, fourteen. They both said that they
wanted to be soldiers as soon as they could. I
told them that they could begin making themselves soldiers now,
because the first thing was to obey orders, and to
obey them smartly. I promised to ask their father to
let them learn fencing at school, and gave them an
elementary lesson with walking sticks. Chris said she would like
to be a nurse and nurse soldiers, and I told
her a few things about first aid. I felt I
had spent quite a soldier's morning. When the gong sounded
for early dinner, I will confess that I was a
bit of a coward when I went down to dinner.
The holly and decorations made me think of the old
mess room. I'm afraid I was a little remiss in
talking to the lady whom I took in till I
noticed her smile at me. I beg your pardon, I apologized.
I was thinking I paused of a soldier's Christmas. She said,
so was I. You don't remember me, good gracious, I cried, Ethel,
I mean missus Meadows. Her father was Colonel of the
East Farsher and we were together in Ceylon. She was
just a flapper then, and we won the mixed doubles
in the garrison tennis tournament. She married Meadows, a subaltern
in the West Loamshire. It wasn't much good and died
two years afterwards. Yes, she said, you were adjutant of
your battalion just before we left, and father said, now
they'll soon be soldiers. I wasn't a bit surprised when
I heard of the Pindi affair and your dear so,
do you remember how I used to wish i'd been
born a boy to go into the army. And you
called me young soldier, and you called me old soldier.
My chaps called me old mustard afterwards. They always have
a name for the right sort. I know, Tommy. Her
eyes glistened. You disciplined me. I remember that was how
we won the tournament. I reminded her. You obeyed orders
and ran up and bollyed like a boy, instead of
playing a girl's backline game. You see, I judged my
soldier before I gave orders, and I judged my leader
before I obeyed them. She replied, in her old daring way, no,
and threatened him too. I said, when you were grown up,
you disciplined me. You said, perhaps you would have if
you hadn't gone so far away. I smiled, at her.
I used to call her my little sweetheart. I went further,
she said, and fared not too well. She sighed, Do
you know I always feel as if I want to
be back with the regiment. You see, the father had
no boy, and so he used to talk to me.
And mother was a soldier at heart, a better soldier
than some men. Her lip curl. I ought to have
been missus, colonel, somebody I would have looked after my battalion.
If I hadn't had this little accident to my leg,
I jested, I might have been able to offer you
the appointment. I might have taken it, she retorted, with
a flash of her old merriment. And then you would
have been sorry for yourself. Only for you, I declared.
If you remember, I used to tell you that if
I could choose my age, i'd be five years older
than my young soldier. Now we're both old soldiers on
the retired list, and I haven't got a dear, so,
and what are you going to do? You mustn't waste
all your soldier craft. Father always said that some one
like you, a real regimental expert, ought to write a
book instead of leaving staff college men to teach the
regimental officer to suck eggs. Alice has been talking to you,
I remarked, or you to Alice both. She confessed. You
want to find something to amuse an old, old mustard,
I said, we do, she replied frankly. You see, we
both think a good deal of him, and I rather
fancy we've found the right amusement. Seriously, now, well, I said,
I'm no right, but if I understand anything, it's regimental duties,
is he? And then I launched off into my favorite topic.
It lasted through dinner. You've let me bore you to
give an old soldier a pleasant Christmas, I said. When
we rose, I would have led to bore me. She said,
smilingly with that object. But as it happens, you haven't.
Oh don't. I wish I could help you write that book.
I daresay you're right a dozen. You call yourself old,
but you're only let me think about thirty seven, that's it,
and you're twenty four twenty five, she corrected. If you
were five years older, I jested, there'd be the appointment
of missus major military author. You'd better be careful, she
warned me, laughingly. There's a dso and I always wanted
a decoration. Well, Alice asked, when we were together for
a moment, hadn't I a nice surprise for you? Very nice?
I agreed. I always like that girl, so frank and honest.
It's a pity she didn't marry a real soldier. Her
heart's in the service, and ever met such a regular
army woman. If a certain old soldier had had more sense,
Alice observed, I rather think you ridiculous match making creature,
I cried. She was a mere schoolgirl and looked upon
me as a sort of uncle. She never had any
other idea, humph, said Alice. Girls have all sorts of ideas.
A lot you know about women. No, I don't suppose
she had any serious idea, but she was uncommonly pleased
when she found that she was going to meet you.
Now look here, I protested. Don't put foolish thoughts into
the head of a man who's unfit for further service.
The idiots the hush, Alice entreated. So I hushed, but
I felt myself looking fierce for some time afterwards. If
it hadn't been for the three confounded pill boxes on
that board, I might have had a missus colonelship to
offer to to any one who seemed suitable. However, I
was soon dragged out of my corner to play blind
Man's Buff and snap Dragon and a dozen other games.
Then we had supper, and then the children went to bed.
I was going home, but Alice and her husband said
that there was a spare room and I must stay
the night. So I stayed ethel I had taken to
calling her that again was staying there too, and the
four of us sat round the stove. Harris will be
worrying about me, I remarked, Oh no, he won't, Alice
assured me. I met him, and I told him I
should bring you back and keep you mm. Such conduct,
I protested, is subversive of discipline. Al doesn't believe in
other people's discipline. Her husband remarked, it depends, she said.
Discipline means obeying proper orders and disobeying foolish ones. Now
confessed Dick. Haven't you sometimes wished at an order had
been disobeyed? Never, I asserted, But I've sometimes wished that
I hadn't given it. For example, she remarked, when you
ordered a whole post of letters to be burnt, suppose
there was an official letter among them, and the person
to whom you gave the order was quite sure that
you didn't mean that. He'd no business to mention it
to you, I cried, And if he's disobeyed my orders,
I've discharged a scoundreal tomorrow. I paused for words suitable
for ladies ears, and then Ethel's quiet voice interposed. Isn't
it disciplined to carry out orders in the spirit, she asked, Now,
don't say that would end by not carrying them out
at all. That's quite true of the rank and file.
But you see, Arris is your second in command for
the moment, and he takes thought for you. Anyhow, you
can take his good intention into account in sentencing him.
It's you who ought to write a book, I told her,
a lawyer's book. She laughed. But I've got over you,
she asserted. You won't do anything to poor Harris. No,
I said, no, I suppose you've the letter, Alice, Yes,
she said, it's from the War Office. I'll give it
to you before I go to bed. No, I said,
give it to me now, I appealed, of course, but
I knew it's no good. I suppose they're right. I'm
too lame for duty. No, only for that particular duty.
You two good women have disciplined me to day and
stopped me from growing into a miserable old grumbler. I'll
find some duty in life, and please Heaven, I'll do it.
What's more, i'll do it without whining that it isn't
exactly the duty that I I loved the old regiment.
A woman's hands touched each of my arms. The decision
was the only possible one, really, and I only appealed
to blow off steam instead of accepting the verdict like
a good soldier. They can't possibly alter it. I have
to read the letter sometimes, so I'll just glance at
it and get it over. I opened the letter, and
then I don't know quite what I said or did.
My chair seemed to be sailing through the air when
it came to anchor on the hearth rug Old George
was pumping my hand, and Alice and Ethel were holding
my arms. They were laughing and wiping their eyes. Ethel
picked up the letter from the hearth rugue and waved
it as if she were a flapper. Again, soldier, she cried,
saluting as if she were one soldier. I rose holding
my chair and saluted her. I knew very certainly one
sees things clearly in those great moments that I had
found my commanding officer. My heart was too full to
speak for. The letter said that, while regretting that my
return to regimental duty was not practicable, the War Office
considered that my knowledge of regimental economy would be valuable
in the Adjutant General's department and offered me a staff
appointment instead of retirement. It's as suit as Christmas, after all,
Dickie Alice said, and kissed me. Let's go and look
at the children, George, I always do when I'm specially happy.
They went off, and Ethel and I were left alone.
Ethel I said, as any one thing wanting to make
my next soldier's Christmas perfect, a real soldier's wife, there
hasn't been any one, because they didn't come up to
the dear soldier girl whom I used to know. It
isn't a good enough appointment for you. It happens to
be an appointment i'd like. She told me, Oh, Dick,
this is my best soldier's Christmas. End of a Soldier's
Christmas by Owen Oliver