Speaker 1: Good Morning from Hell.
Speaker 2: It's good friend Clayton here with my good buddy Chris.
Speaker 1: That is so un enthusiastic.
Speaker 2: Take two, Good Morning from Health Cluydard and Chris.
Speaker 1: It's great. Let's keep this tempo up the whole time.
Chris sounds good.
Speaker 2: All right, we're not gonna do that, all right. My
voice is already a little scratchy. I''m gonna drink some
eggnog because it's that time of season.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So what is this podcast? Well, it's called good
Morning from Hell.
Speaker 2: No shit, we've said it three times where basically I
have my manservant and my little slave boy, Chris. Uh.
He died, so I brought him down to Hell and
he's my little co host on this show where.
Speaker 1: We interview all sorts of people from Hell.
Speaker 2: You said you've got eggnog. Yeah, what kind of egg?
Dinosaur eggs? Dinosaur egg, Yeah, velociraptor egg.
Speaker 1: How is that spicy? It's spicy.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Their skin if you ever lick it, it's like Tabasco
saucey sweat tabasco.
Speaker 1: So do they actually have feathers or no? Yes, yes,
oh they do.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're actually really beautiful feathers. They look like giant
evil toucans, so like you know, like fruit loops. Yeah,
they're like that, but like they'll kill you. Okay, yeah,
do you have any as the pets or anything? Oh yeah,
I've got loads of them. Yeah, they're all in my backyard.
Speaker 1: They run around.
Speaker 2: They have a couple of tricks. Yeah, like they sit
roll over mall. Yeah, real cute. Yeah yeah, I'll have
you over. You can pet them and then I'll feed
it to them. It'll be great.
Speaker 1: Okay, sounds all right. Let's do with you? Chris so gloom?
Speaker 2: Oh nothing, I Me and Helen Keller haven't seen each
other in a while, or well, I haven't seen I
haven't seen she hasn't seen me ever. But I haven't
seen her in a while, and I don't think anything
went wrong. It's just I don't know where she's been,
so I've just been missing missing her.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: To refresh our listeners, memories, Uh, Chris is currently stalking
Helen Keller. Not stalking, it's more just like a friendship.
Yeah sure, maybe more.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I wouldn't he be surprised if she filed for like
one of those things called.
Speaker 1: Restraining order straining order. Yeah, you know you of course
you would know, you would know what I know. Chris
being creepy.
Speaker 2: Nothing new there, Great, you want to answer some questions
on Twitter again for our listeners. We have a couple
of Twitter accounts. You've got Hail Clayton sixty nine. We
also got a hot mail account because of course you do.
It's what is it called good Morning from Hell at hotmail?
Thank you say again, good morning from Hell at hot mail.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's great.
Speaker 2: Oh I like to I like your emphasis on hot
All right, this one comes from Lena kay Or at Merksmers.
Speaker 1: Interesting name, Hal Clayton. I was just wondering.
Speaker 2: You said you wanted more Clayton's out there, but what
exactly is Clayton is? I'm like, I was thinking about converting,
but don't exactly know the process.
Speaker 1: Chris, you want to take that one?
Speaker 2: I guess you die and then you're sent to Hell
and then you're forced to be his slave. That's right. Yeah,
it's as simple as that. Or just listen to the
podcast and tell your friends about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah that too? Yeah? Cool?
Speaker 2: Uh so it's almost he who shall not be named
mess what I'll try to say that again Christmas Christy.
Speaker 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch your mouth sorry, whoa, No.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's uh it's that guy's birthday. It's coming up.
It's kind of a sad time of years, a lot
of like good cheer and giving and peace on earth. Oh,
it's just it's so depressing. So we actually brought a
special guest on in light of the season.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, it's it's it's a busy time of
the year. But uh, well do you hear that? Do
you hear those jingle bells? Oh? Here he is everyone,
it's Santa Children. Oh wow, Santa.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Oh that's me Chris. And if it isn't my
fucking boy Clayton, how are we doing Clayton? What?
Speaker 1: Santa? So good?
Speaker 4: Thank christ I can stop doing the fucking voice. It
plays so well. But I miss being down here with
you guys.
Speaker 1: Oh, you're just one of our number one guys, Chris.
If you're met Santa, No, well not, I don't think
the real one.
Speaker 4: Oh first off, fuck you, there's only one real Santa.
It's me, motherfucker. When you up top side as we
call it, why are you touching yourself so much? At eleven?
I can see it all. I still have the record
he sees you when you're sleeping, Chris, They say, are
in the song?
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 3: Could it be any clearer? It could not?
Speaker 1: All right? Well, I would counter, why are you watching
little boys touch themselves?
Speaker 3: Uh? Because I'm a fucking demon, you idiot?
Speaker 4: Wait?
Speaker 1: Wait wait you're a demon?
Speaker 4: Yes, Clayton, did you give him none of the background research?
I mean, opts explain my whole origin story here?
Speaker 1: Yeah? No, I didn't tell him.
Speaker 3: Shit, Chris, when you think of Christmas, what do you
think about Chris? Chris?
Speaker 1: What do you think I think about you?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 3: Huh? Stop right there.
Speaker 4: Christmas is Jesus Christ's birthday.
Speaker 3: No one fucking thinks about him anymore.
Speaker 4: They're thinking of me in my red suit, my fancy hat,
coming into their house, breaking in, giving them things, driving consumerism,
judging people left and right. And do you know why
that is, Chris? Why Santa is a version of Satan.
Speaker 1: That's right?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Oh yeah? Yeah?
Speaker 4: Years and years and years ago, the dark lord Himsel
was sitting on his throne, scratching his head, poking people
with his pitchfork. And you know what he said, I
can do better. And as you know, Chris, there's only
one way to make something better, and that's try to
clone it. And so what dark Lord did is cloned himself,
and it didn't come out perfect. I'm a bit round,
I'm a bit heavy.
Speaker 1: You're also kind of white. Yeah, you're white.
Speaker 4: I'm very, very very white. Cloning back then, it wasn't
such an exact science. All right, Now we got it.
You got Dolly the Sheep's popping out left and right.
You got Paul Rudd with a hit Netflix show. Back then,
Satan the hell pioneers down here, they were out in
the scientific community, working without a net, as I like
to say. So they came up with me, Santa, very
close to Satan, as you know. And so what they
did is I didn't look like Satan. I couldn't walk
up the stairs as fast as Satan. I get winded
going up the stairs, but I still had demonic abilities
like the dark Lord has. So they said, you look
like these fucking flesh bags up top that we keep
torturing down here. They sent me topside to do the
one thing no one else could do, and that was
knocked God off his righteous fucking throne.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 4: December twenty fifth, We're gonna sit there and celebrate his
fucking kid. Not on my watch, buddy, Look at me,
who's on the coke cans?
Speaker 1: Chris?
Speaker 2: When was the last time he saw Jesus on a cocaine?
What the last time he saw Chris Wicks on cocaine?
I don't think I've ever done.
Speaker 3: That's right, exactly, boo idiot. It's me and Polar Bears.
All right.
Speaker 4: We are working this place left and right. I'm gonna
get every juice this little planet's got.
Speaker 1: Is he has infiltrated your people.
Speaker 2: And oh man, I just want to see the look
on Jesus's face right now.
Speaker 1: He's probably pissed. He's blowing out his candles. No one's
at his birthday.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was so easy, Chris.
Speaker 4: You were so ready, as a human race of morons
to just let me in. I feel bad every time
I got to talk to a vampire. They gotta come
up with different ways to trick people into letting him
in the house.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Yeah, how you.
Speaker 3: Gotta come in.
Speaker 4: You gotta act like a FedEx guy, you gotta act
like a refrigerator man. There's all these different ways to
get in vibe in they all take too much. I
show up and say I'm gonna judge you. I'm gonna
watch you all the time, no matter what you're doing.
And people are like, oh fuck, yeah, let's bring our
little kids over, sending the lap take a photo will
be cute. All because you wanted a shiny bicycle, Chris, Well,
guess who's the bicycle?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 3: Who's getting ridden? It's the world. Santa's riding the world.
Speaker 1: Damn, he got you. It's so obvious too.
Speaker 2: We just jumbled Satan's name around and spelled Santa.
Speaker 1: It's right in front of you the whole time.
Speaker 3: Well, I wasn't.
Speaker 1: Really looking for it, you know, I didn't even know
Hell was a thing. When I was up on her.
Speaker 2: You saw this giant dude breaking into your house with
dressed in red and telling you up to your face
that I see you when you're sleeping. And then you
were just like, oh, yeah, come on in, Yeah, here's
your some milk and cookies.
Speaker 1: Santy, you got him. You got him.
Speaker 3: Son got him. And that's the thing.
Speaker 4: I've given him so many clues. You moved the letters
around Satan saying it the other one. Only two types
of people use the word naughty. It is Santa, and
it is perverts. Now, Ranty, we're one and the same.
But you should have figured this out that no one
ever is like, oh, were you a naughty boy? Unless
they're me, or unless they're me or somebody else who's perverted.
Speaker 2: You know how bad your parents cringe whenever you're like,
I'm not, I haven't been naughty.
Speaker 1: It's so weird hearing.
Speaker 2: That coming from a child's mouth. Yeah, have you been
naughty or nice? I can't believe you guys fell for
that stupid disgusting I guess it's just like the whole
jolly look with a weird hat. And you know what
the weird hat is for, right, Yeah, go ahead, go
ahead and take the hat off.
Speaker 1: Take the hat off. It's a big horn.
Speaker 3: Whoa, Yeah, there it is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's right there in front of you.
Speaker 4: Again, we didn't understand cloning the way we do now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just one big weird triangle.
Speaker 3: Yes, I know, I'm aware. It's one I've had in
my entire fucking existence.
Speaker 1: Chris, Stop saying at it. Stop saying that that's.
Speaker 3: Why I wear the hat.
Speaker 4: All right, I'm supposed to have two I'm supposed to
look like Beael's above himself, but instead I came out
very overweight, very white, and yes, one horn growing straight
out of my head.
Speaker 2: It looks like, you know, discount dan Aykroyd from the Coneheads,
but his head kind of like deflated with appeared. We
can put the hat back on. I'm just you know,
you can if you want.
Speaker 4: We want to make sure you're Santa actually well again,
I mean I'm here, you know, I'm letting it all
hang out, as they say, you know what I mean,
I'm here, I'm back. I'm back on my home turf,
you know what I mean. Again, I was supposed to
maybe you know, be second in the line for this place.
Didn't work out that way because of the cloning controversy.
Speaker 3: Plus Clayton.
Speaker 4: Of course, I know you and your relationship to the
Great Exalted Leader.
Speaker 3: I understand.
Speaker 2: I don't know Great Exalted you know yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's my brother.
Speaker 3: Whatever. Well, it's just rough, you know, I mean, like
I understand where you're at.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean that you.
Speaker 4: Would love to take over one day, and I don't
fully understand that rather than one day pass it to you,
they needed to make another one of me which is
really him. Yeah, and you know, and I'm not baked
all the way through. Maybe that's it, you know, the
old knogging up here. Maybe I can't put it together
the way you, big bro could. Yeah, but it seems
like if they had you, you could have taken over
if anything happened.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Sorry, finally someone recognizes it.
Why did they bother to clone Satan?
Speaker 3: Chris? I'll tell I'll help you out down here, all right.
Speaker 4: The number one thing you need to do is stop
asking fucking questions that I pertain to what Satan's doing.
Speaker 1: All right. He doesn't like that, no, okay, all right,
I don't either. Yeah. No, this is a podcast where
we interview people jobs.
Speaker 3: How that worked out for him?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Exactly? All right? All right, no more Satan questions? Okay,
thank you? Can I ask what the deal is with reindeer?
Oh he doesn't know about the reindeer either, man, You.
Speaker 3: Don't know about the reindeer, so dumb?
Speaker 1: All right? So what tell us what you think is
going on?
Speaker 3: This will be adorable.
Speaker 1: I don't know. You curse some deer and now they
have to do your best.
Speaker 4: Curse some deer, Chris, what kind of monster do you
take me for that? I would put that on a
deer like that. Do you understand what you're saying?
Speaker 3: Right there? A deer?
Speaker 4: Most animals outside of skunks and ferrets, they are blessed.
I would never touch them again.
Speaker 3: Dummy.
Speaker 4: Look around, you're in hell. My Reindeer's people that him
curse brought up there. And then you want to get
up there. You want to be you want to be Rudolph.
You want to have a red tumor on your nose
glowing NonStop. Cause that's the thing. Not only are you
now a Sentshian animal. You can't talk. You gotta just
shit in the woods near Rudolph. You got this cancer
on your nose. You think anybody, Do you think any
other rain you're gonna fuck that guy?
Speaker 3: No, they don't. That's where we put the worst of
the worst.
Speaker 1: Is he doing okay?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: He's dying?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: He dies every season? What part of this don't you understand?
You are in hell?
Speaker 4: It's supposed to be a living nightmare, Chris? Is this
podcast a living nightmare for you right now?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I mean it always is. That's kind of the thing.
Speaker 3: Good, So you're starting to get it, okay.
Speaker 4: I want you to go home eventually, right and in
between getting on the bed and nails and putting the
things between your toenails. Oh, I hate that one. I
want you to listen back to this podcast and understand
how stupid you sound. You're like, whoa soon as a
bad guy? How do you pulled up? How do you
do this to us? And then you're asking all these
basic questions about Hell. You host the Hell podcast. Oh,
I'm sorry, I'm still kind of getting new to it.
You've been here for like two months, man, I mean
playing Why did you pick this guy? You told me this,
You chose this guy for a reason. You killed this
guy for a reason.
Speaker 1: Oh oh oh she doesn't know about that. What huh?
We're looking at nothing, No worry about it.
Speaker 3: It's no.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry that I when I say you killed this
guy for that slang we use in Hell? Yeah, like uh,
when I picked this month's missus clause, I was like,
I kill her? Come here they killed the work together.
We also all sit on toilets like a c slater
on chairs. Can I ask about all the songs? Like
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Speaker 1: It says, yeah, I.
Speaker 3: Fucked her too.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, all right, so is that just the thing
you just go around and try and break up marriages again?
Speaker 3: I am a clone of Satan.
Speaker 4: All right, you're goddamn right. I'm getting in there with everybody.
And that's the other thing I'll tell you right now.
I appreciate that up top, it's the twenty nineteen world.
Up here, they need to redo the song because I
will fuck anybody mommy, daddy, non binary parent, like I
don't care, Like I am there to fuck shit up.
Speaker 3: Because that's what's even worse.
Speaker 4: Imagine how it is, because I've got a great gimmick
going down here, right, everybody's up there, they're all like, oh,
you've been naughty, You've been nice. All these kids come
over and they get on my lap and they're like, I.
Speaker 3: Want the most expensive new computer.
Speaker 4: I want the MacBook, I want to AirPods, I want
to I love to look over and see these single parents,
porous fuck looking at me, that hope in their eyes
that I'm gonna come through and give their kid the
expensive thing they'll never be able to afford. So imagine
when I show up right, I wrap their little shitty
fucking knockoff toy. It doesn't make sense. It's supposed to
be Superman. It's supposed to say it says super Dude
on the outside. You really want an iPad, you know
what I mean? Well, here's some stupid android. God, I
don't even know what they call these things. Here's the
stupid thing. It's black, it's not iPad. It doesn't have apps.
You gotta use gingerbread. I wrap that up there, I
put that in under the tree, and then I go
to the next house with the rich parents. Right, I'm
giving them the nice expensive preser. There's a whole class
warfare here, right, it's mental warfare and so many things.
I give them that, and then the parents they're sauce
out of their mind. They've been doing all sorts of drugs,
you know what I mean. I mean, they're in an
unhappy marriage to begin with, but there's always that thing
where one of them is holding out hope that this
magical season they're gonna turn it around for the other one.
And that's when I show up and I fuck the
other parent.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, it's one two punch.
Speaker 2: Do you have any kids then, because if you're if
you're like sleeping with everyone's parents. Do you have any
like weird half demon kids up on earth?
Speaker 3: No? I mean the half demon kid thing.
Speaker 4: It just doesn't work out because usually you've met a
lot of demons down there, right obviously, Clayton, what up, Clayton?
But I mean, like you've seen these things, and you
understand how strong a demonic uterus is. Now, you take
even a half half demon, you put that into a
normal human up here, and by man about month seven,
that thing's gonnaaw right outside of it.
Speaker 3: It's gonna come right out through the belly button. And
nobody wants that because then there's questions.
Speaker 4: And then I got to raise the hospital, and then
I got to make it look like a natural disaster
or some kind of gas leak. And let me tell you,
eventually people ask questions about that. Why was Santa there?
Why was he lighting matches by this open gas?
Speaker 3: It's a big problem.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, then does that just mean you just use
protection every time?
Speaker 2: Or no?
Speaker 3: I just basically kill and raise hospitals when I need to.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, yeah yeah again of Satan. Okay, so
it happens. You just it's work Yeah, sure.
Speaker 3: But I don't.
Speaker 4: I mean, that's the whole thing is, like, I'm not
gonna let the mother live, I'm not gonna let the
kid live. I'm not gonna let anybody in the twenty
ballock Rabius live.
Speaker 1: Let's let's switch it up, Santa, you're my co host.
Speaker 2: Now we're gonna ask Chris all these questions about Christmas, Okay,
and see how wrong he gets them. Hey, Chris, what
are elves? Tell us about that? Elves? Yeah, okay, yeah, elves.
Elves are little short demons with pointy ears who make
presents and they're based in your in hell?
Speaker 1: Wrong again?
Speaker 4: What why Why would we have demons doing the work
that we could easily assign one hundred million other fucks?
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, you've seen Lord of the Rings. Yeah, yeah,
it's actually the true history of Earth. What Yeah, yeah,
all that stuff actually happened. Mordoor, Middle Earth. What Pangaea
back where you know, broke up and all that ship. Yeah,
l's are real. The it's all extinct.
Speaker 4: I see you when you're sleeping, I see you when
you are awake.
Speaker 3: That is literally the definition of the eye of saur On.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it all coming back together now, sare on Satan
or some off spring, like another failed clone of Satan.
Speaker 3: Okay, first off, we don't use the F word around me.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Some slightly different version of Satan. Yes, yeah,
put a whole new perspective on Lord of the Rings.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2: So those elves, Yeah, the hot sexy ones. They're making
some shit. They're making toys. Yeah, so beautiful, their skin
like porcelain.
Speaker 1: Oh it's oh beautiful.
Speaker 4: Chris, you haven't lived till you've tasted elf assed a
whole family.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to
can I can?
Speaker 3: I You won't be You're not lucky enough. Don't worry
about that. You are in Hell. You don't get to
enjoy the of the labor.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're definitely out of your league too. None of
the elves are going to see you and be like,
oh yeah, sure, why not?
Speaker 1: So wait, they're here in Hell. No, they're on the
North Pole. What.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's actually it's like a portal from Hell up
under the earth, thrown the North Pole. But that's also
where we have over els stationed. So did they die?
They're all having orgies because they're hot. As shit, and
then they're making toys sometimes, so they're not They didn't
die and were like forced to make toys.
Speaker 1: Oh shit, you're a Lord of the Rings nerd. You
know what happened? They all went to that land.
Speaker 2: Oh so the land that they were sailing off to
is just the North Pole to make toys for Santa. Yeah,
Frodo's up there too, pros up making toys for Santa. Yeah,
that's why people think elves are short. Little weird dude.
Oh yeah, I think an exploration team saw Phroto and
then they just made assumptions from there that. Okay, see
now that makes sense. Frodo got caught because he wasn't
wearing the ring and he was visible. Okay, yeah, as
the Lord of the Rings fan, that's actually pretty cool.
Speaker 1: Why haven't they been discovered.
Speaker 4: Because all of you want to go to New Zealand.
Who the fuck cares is knock off Australia. For years
we've been trying to sell you on coming in the
North Poole years.
Speaker 3: We work literally one day a year. Why not bring
more people up here to have sex with and eighth alfast?
Speaker 4: No, instead, you all want to go and march around
the tall grasses of New Zealand sea a mud hut.
Speaker 3: It disgusts me.
Speaker 1: It's too cold up in the North Poole. It's actually
quite beautiful.
Speaker 4: It's getting better by the day thanks to our hard
work corrupting the humans.
Speaker 1: That's right, global warming.
Speaker 3: I've heard of it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I have. Well, actually, so Santa.
Speaker 2: You're here because you had an announcement about the whole
milk and cookies tradition.
Speaker 4: Right, yeah, I'm like any other blue blooded demon from hell.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 4: I like to do things for a few millennia certain way,
but it is time to start shaking this up. I
loved milk and cookies for years. They were great, But
much like how I can enjoy one elf ass every year,
I want to switch it up as I go.
Speaker 3: I want things to be a little bit different.
Speaker 4: And so this year I am challenging everyone listening to
this podcast, everyone out there who's leaving milk and cookies,
to push it on the ground and leave me other
white liquids and baked goods. All right, I want different
things up there. I don't want if I come in
there and it's milk and cookies again, guess what I'm
having sex with somebody you love. Maybe you're you're like,
maybe I got nothing to worry about, right, I'm a
single parent, I don't have any kids, doesn't matter. You
all love somebody. And I see you doing whatever you're
going to do. If I have to dig up Grandma,
I will.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Wait, any white liquid?
Speaker 2: Yeah right, Yeah, you're rressing egg whites, mayonnaise, mayonnaise.
Speaker 4: White claw is big, now, I know I am I
fudging it there a little bit, you know, yes, yes,
but it says white in the can.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna count that. Yeah, white liquid.
Speaker 2: So you just want to drink some a cup of mayonnaise,
Yetta cheese that can work too, Yeah, just trying to
mix it.
Speaker 3: Up, variety of spice of life.
Speaker 1: Then why is it? Why? Then? Why do you want
everything white? Got you there?
Speaker 4: I'd prefer not to answer that question with a microphone
in in front of me. Again, if you look around
and remember that I'm a demon.
Speaker 1: Chris, how do you keep forgetting this? I'm sorry, it's right,
he's right here, and you keep forgetting him.
Speaker 2: So, so, yeah, white liquids that are not milk but
of a different variety.
Speaker 3: And then cookies a baked good of some kind.
Speaker 1: Okay, all right up here in the North.
Speaker 4: Pole, right, not a plentiful selection of things going on.
What are these crutons? I've heard so much about? What
about these triscuits? Dogs seem happy with their biscuits. I
hear all the time about cinnamon rolls, cinnamon bonds, wetzel pretzels.
Speaker 3: You all got mauls, right, yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you out for Senna.
Speaker 2: Actually, you know what, I challenge our listeners come Christmas Eve.
We want everybody to tweet or instagram a picture of
their milk and cookie substitute what hashtag we use in Clayton.
We want them to use the hashtag good morning from hell.
We can we can see all our listeners and how
they're out there supporting us on this Jesus' birthday.
Speaker 1: Ah, your rubes, Oh we got him.
Speaker 2: He must be pissed, even though like he doesn't sin
or anything like that.
Speaker 1: I bet I bet he lets a little curse word slip.
I bet he goes like, oh firts.
Speaker 4: He has to be up there, you know, he's working
on a new set of sandals, stitching up his robe,
and he's got to be looking over the clouds going
mm Mmmm, they got me because we got him Chris,
and he can say.
Speaker 1: The Lord's name in vain. Yeah, right, because it's his name,
but it's his name.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: But yeah, that's pushing off the second coming. Every every
year he's like, maybe this would be the it. Nope, Nope,
they got me again.
Speaker 4: Wait, it's the thing, you understand, This is a pride thing, right.
He can't come back down here and be second banana
to Santa aka Satan's clumb He's gotta somehow get his
popularity over Santa. I think all the movies I've had,
Miracle on thirty fourth Street, Santa Claus, the Santa Claus.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're like eight of those.
Speaker 3: I'm going to count that. Arnold Schwarzenegger one jingle all
the way.
Speaker 4: I think all the movies the Jesus Christ has had
Passion of the Christ.
Speaker 1: Yep, full stop.
Speaker 3: That's it.
Speaker 4: That's what he's had. And then veggie tails for like
nineteen seasons. No nobody cares about him anymore. Yeah, he's
old Millennia. I'm new Millennia.
Speaker 2: Well what about like, you know, people who are Jewish,
how are you fucking them over?
Speaker 1: Oh like Knica and stuff. Yeah, no, they're they're lovely people.
We leave them alone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, we have no we have no direct beef
with them. Yeah, they have a beautiful tradition. Why would
we want to mess with that.
Speaker 3: I love the candles, I love Manora's. That's awesome. It
it's a great tradition. I can't believe you're you're this racist.
Speaker 1: You know what? You know what you're asking about Hitler
a couple of podcasts. Now, I wasn't asking about making
sense connect the dots.
Speaker 3: I wonder why he's in hell.
Speaker 2: I was just asking why Joseph Stalin wasn't ever bringing
Hitler around.
Speaker 4: Now, Clayton, I'm wearing those Santa glasses that are like
the half frames.
Speaker 3: But I'm looking over there. Is that an armband on?
Speaker 2: Chris?
Speaker 3: Is he wearing an arm band?
Speaker 1: Wearing an arm sow?
Speaker 2: Not into Hitler? Just want to make that clear. Not
a Hitler fan in any way. I hate Hitler? Okay, Chris,
all right, yeah, we totally I believe you wink, Well
you don't. He has such a jolly wink to look
at it. Little do people know it is so so?
Why do you always come down the chimney again?
Speaker 3: Chris?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Where are you.
Speaker 1: That's right?
Speaker 3: Where do you think all the fire and brimstone is son?
That's what I was born for, all right.
Speaker 4: You take someone out of Florida America's wing, you put
them up in North Dakota. They're gonna want to blow
their brains out. But I can't die. So yeah, I'm
sorry that every so often I want to taste of
the good stuff, slide down a nice hot shaft to
get a bit dirty, you know what I mean? Uh?
Speaker 1: Okay, no, no, that makes sense. That makes sense, all right, Chris,
What are your thoughts on?
Speaker 2: You're eat coal when you're a little kid, You're eat
coal and you're stalking all right? I got one thing
of coal. I got one thing of coal. I thought
it was a joke from my parents.
Speaker 1: No, there are no jokes.
Speaker 3: You know what? That coal is made out of? What
remains of your grandfather?
Speaker 1: What? Yeah, Pappy, he's just got smushed down in this
little black lump.
Speaker 4: A lot of people think the bodies are left alone
when they're putting the ground. Nahuh, I got all these elves.
They gotta be doing something between the suck in fucking Yeah.
Speaker 1: That was poppy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, what what do humans expect when they
bury their dead, you know, you put them closer down
to Hell.
Speaker 1: We're gonna reach out there, we're gonna grab, We're gonna
bring them down.
Speaker 2: We'd be like, oh, look at this puppet, and then
we're gonna swush it down into little cols.
Speaker 1: Poor Poppy.
Speaker 2: We just put it in the barbecue week eight burgers
off of Poppy.
Speaker 1: Ooh, that's unfortunate.
Speaker 3: He's the granddad that keeps on giving.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, all the people uh impersonating you down on Earth?
Speaker 1: What do you do about that?
Speaker 4: Oh?
Speaker 2: Like the Malsantas, Yeah, the mall Santas, and then like
the people in front of Walmart or whatever, ringing the
bell asking for like loose pocket lit and change and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I using my advantage.
Speaker 3: They're called minions.
Speaker 1: All right.
Speaker 4: I can't I can't be everywhere at once. But when
I get these other sandas out there, right, they're out
there doing the leg work for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: They're finding out where these people's weak spots are at.
They're finding out how I can slide in. What's that,
little Timmy, your dad's having doubts about Catholicism. That's when
I slither on in that's when I bring another one
down for our team, get a soul for Clayton to
sign up.
Speaker 2: You see that classic Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity, That's exactly
what's the situation is going on. Those are all clones
of the clone of Satan. They're Santu's clones. Oh yeah,
so that's why they all look kind of different.
Speaker 3: You ever seen that movie Minions. It's like that.
Speaker 1: I got Minions. Yeah, yeah, Oh we love Minions down
here now. Yeah. Oh, the SOB Minions are actually no, no,
they're a fucking movie character. Chris.
Speaker 4: Not everything you see on the TV's real Chris for real.
Speaker 1: Oh he's so dumb.
Speaker 4: No, Why are the pretty ones with the tight asses
always this dumb?
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 2: Maybe I got some Elvis to me. Your Satan Santa clones?
Are they just all shittier and shittier and shittier?
Speaker 3: That's correct? Yeah, that part of Multiplicity was correct. Yeah.
It takes a special.
Speaker 4: Kind of moron to be like, yeah, I want to
stand outside and freezing temperatures, ringing a bell. I'm gonna
raise all what thirteen dollars and thirteen cents? You think
that's ever gonna make it to some starving kid's mouth. No,
it doesn't give it a salvation army. They just buy
a bottle of jack with it and drink it in
the back room.
Speaker 2: Any other dumb, stupid questions that you want to ask Santa?
Speaker 1: Can moron? You want to? You wanna shatter your childhood
dreams anymore? This is great. This has been a great episode.
I love this. Okay, what about stockings, like hanging your
stockings by the tree for.
Speaker 2: Well, it used to be that you would The tradition
was once Santa came and did the dirty work with
your mom, you know, she'd hang her stockings out to.
Speaker 1: Dry because they were pretty wet after the fact.
Speaker 2: And then and then it just took off and you'diot
started hanging them up, and they started sticking toys and
shitting them.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, quick thinking on these horror moms and dads
who would get fucked so good by me and that
their socks would get wet that they would hang them up.
And then the partner walks in and goes, hey, honey,
what's with these And they'd be like, uh, we hang
out to Phil gifts and imagine those first few gifts
you get out of there, soggy, stopping, wet smelling, just
like a great night a debauchery.
Speaker 2: Santa Claus is coming to Yeah, yeah, white Christmas.
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly.
Speaker 4: We laid it all in front of you. We gave
you all the puzzle pieces. But you guys too dumb up,
too worried about what's coming up next on Fox story
about him?
Speaker 1: All right, came down the chimney. Yeah you sure did.
Your mom's all right? Well, Chris, did we sufficiently ruin
the holiday season for you?
Speaker 2: Yeah? It's it was ruined already, but yes, that's great.
Good well, Santa. We know you're a very busy man.
Speaker 3: Clayton.
Speaker 4: Always a pleasure to kick it with you, for sure, Chris,
you're a piece of trash. That's why you're here. Hold on,
I gotta gotta put the voice back.
Speaker 3: Who any worries.
Speaker 1: It's been a pleasure.
Speaker 3: Children, until next time, go fuck yourself.
Speaker 1: Oh there he goes man.
Speaker 2: Silly voice when he does that, isn't it? It's a
very silly voice. All right, Give the gift that keeps
on giving. Tell people to listen to Good Morning from Hell.
That's the show. Hell Clayton, Merry Christmas. No, No, no,
just hail Clayton. Hey guys, this is plain Thanks for
Greg for being on. Greg Where where can the audience
find you?
Speaker 4: If you want to hear me curse Moore, you can
go over to YouTube dot com slash kind of Funny,
Watch the kind of Funny podcast.
Speaker 1: All right, and they can also find you on Twitter.
Game over Gregy all right? Well, thank you Greg Miller
for coming on