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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to becoming the beautiful discovery, the courage to wake up.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Raina Bigham, Coach Queen Bee, and this is a

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<v Speaker 1>space for anyone ready to reclaim their power, honor their truth,

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<v Speaker 1>and rise from survival into self awakening. I spent many

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<v Speaker 1>years living by everyone else's rules, invisible in my own life,

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<v Speaker 1>until holding my newborn daughter changed everything. From that moment,

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<v Speaker 1>I began to rewrite my story, but myself first and

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<v Speaker 1>discover what freedom and beauty really mean. Here, along with

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<v Speaker 1>doctor Pat, we explore courage, self care, and the messy,

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<v Speaker 1>magnificent journey of awakening. Every scar can be a signature

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<v Speaker 1>of strength, Every step can be a claim to your

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<v Speaker 1>own life. This is your invitation to wake up, speak

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<v Speaker 1>your truth, and become the beautiful discovery you always meant

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<v Speaker 1>to be. Becoming the beautiful discovery starts now.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey, everybody welcome. I'm doctor Pat Oh. We are going

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<v Speaker 2>to have a blast today, myself and Queenie Bee coach Queeniebee,

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<v Speaker 2>because this is right here, this one here is this

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<v Speaker 2>is the conundrum I think for women. I can't talk

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<v Speaker 2>about men. I really can't. I mean us women, we

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<v Speaker 2>have our opinions about this for the men. But we

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<v Speaker 2>and we and I have to talk about all that today.

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<v Speaker 2>Well maybe we will a little bit, but here's the episode.

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<v Speaker 2>Is self care selfish? Is self care selfish? That's really

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<v Speaker 2>the question we want to talk about today because if

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<v Speaker 2>you think about that and you look at in the

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<v Speaker 2>world what that means, then you've got to really ask

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<v Speaker 2>the question, why don't we just call it selfish instead

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<v Speaker 2>of self care? Why don't we just like say, ugh,

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<v Speaker 2>that's me, I'm selfish because I'm curus. Well, we don't

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<v Speaker 2>because fundamentally we have to look at the aspect of

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<v Speaker 2>what that means. And Branda, thank you for this talk

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<v Speaker 2>of today. It's so super duper important, it really is.

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<v Speaker 2>It's crazy because I've just been facing this myself and

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<v Speaker 2>I cannot believe how insidious If I may ask, how

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<v Speaker 2>this upbringing we call it upbringing? How the upbringing just

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<v Speaker 2>hiss us sometimes? And then we're like, oh, maybe I

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<v Speaker 2>shouldn't do that thing I love? But how about for you?

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<v Speaker 2>Why'd you pick this one? Oh?

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<v Speaker 3>Well, unfortunately, my uncle passed a few months ago, and

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<v Speaker 3>I was I went to my family reunion this past

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<v Speaker 3>weekend and I was talking to my cousin and I was,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, letting her know that taking care of herself

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<v Speaker 3>is a good thing, you know, especially during this time,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, to be able to show up for others,

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<v Speaker 3>she needs to make sure to take care of herself.

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<v Speaker 3>And she goes, but isn't that selfish? And I went, WHOA,

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<v Speaker 3>I see where you're coming from, because we have had

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<v Speaker 3>so many things with society and just the way that

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<v Speaker 3>we grow up saying that, Oh my god, even if

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<v Speaker 3>you go take a bath, that's selfish, you know what

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<v Speaker 3>I mean. And so I was like, no, that is

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<v Speaker 3>not selfish. I mean, it's one thing if you're just

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<v Speaker 3>leaving all day and just having your own fun, but

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<v Speaker 3>it's important for you to take that time to go

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<v Speaker 3>soak in that bath, or find a coloring book in color,

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<v Speaker 3>or do your facial or go get your nails done.

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<v Speaker 3>And it doesn't have to be an all the time thing,

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<v Speaker 3>but it's very important to set a time, set aside

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<v Speaker 3>time for yourself so you can rejuvenate, because if you don't,

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<v Speaker 3>you can't show up for other people. Holy you will,

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<v Speaker 3>you will come upty percent. Then you'll be bitchy. Then

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<v Speaker 3>you'll be all like.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh my good I don't want to do this.

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<v Speaker 3>But if you're filling good within yourself and you're taking

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<v Speaker 3>care of yourself, you will be able to show up

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<v Speaker 3>for others. So it's very important for us to learn

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<v Speaker 3>how to take care of ourselves.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, let's talk about why that is important. Because one

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<v Speaker 2>of the things that my mom used to say this

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<v Speaker 2>all the time, but you know, I never really put

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<v Speaker 2>it into perspective, you know, and you know, she was

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<v Speaker 2>a really good example of how she would do this. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>so this may seem a little corny or a little

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<v Speaker 2>city silly, but you have to understand where Mama Dorus

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<v Speaker 2>came from. She came from some slim picking beginnings girls, right, yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>just some slim pickens. I'm not even going to go

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<v Speaker 2>into how slim them pickens were. When you eat that

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<v Speaker 2>chicken beek, I'm telling you, and them chicken claws, yes,

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<v Speaker 2>that is slim pickens.

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<v Speaker 4>Yes.

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<v Speaker 2>She used to take herself to bingo. Good So we

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<v Speaker 2>got this from her. M Now, my dad was a

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<v Speaker 2>buster and every time she he would start on her

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<v Speaker 2>about the bingo, she say, honey, you and not sleeping

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<v Speaker 2>in this room tonight?

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<v Speaker 4>Good by?

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<v Speaker 2>I am up. But why am I bringing that up?

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<v Speaker 2>Because She was a great role model for me. But

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<v Speaker 2>somewhere along the way, I've gone through periods of my

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<v Speaker 2>life where I felt I didn't deserve it. So talk

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<v Speaker 2>about deserving if you don't mind.

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<v Speaker 3>Right, I mean, And unfortunately this does stem from the

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<v Speaker 3>way society puts things, the way our families have put

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<v Speaker 3>things because of the way society has put things, you know.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, we're dealing with generations of people that have

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<v Speaker 3>been ingrained that we've got to grind, grind, grind, hustle, hustle, hustle,

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<v Speaker 3>and we're not allowed to take time for ourselves because

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<v Speaker 3>it's about the bottom dollar and we got to help

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<v Speaker 3>everybody else and we don't matter. And at the end

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<v Speaker 3>of the day, we all deserve to take care of ourselves,

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<v Speaker 3>you know. And it's unfortunate that we have this this

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<v Speaker 3>thought process in our heads that, oh, if we want

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<v Speaker 3>to go buy ourself a little gift, I don't know, coffee,

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<v Speaker 3>you know. Oh my god, I can't believe you're spending

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<v Speaker 3>money on yourself. You got to spend that on somebody else,

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<v Speaker 3>or you got to pay your bills, you know what

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<v Speaker 3>I mean.

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<v Speaker 2>Andy, We could get into a whole rant on this

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<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna tell you about this, sister right now. Queen

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<v Speaker 2>you Bee, coach, Queenie Bee right in mind of ours.

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<v Speaker 2>We may not say it out loud, but all of

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<v Speaker 2>a sudden, somebody got somebody walks up to you and say, girlfriend,

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<v Speaker 2>I thought you're starting a bit just the way my

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<v Speaker 2>friends talk to me. Just to be clear, I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>mimicking anybody. This is my friends. And you know, once

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<v Speaker 2>I use this, I'll let you know what color to skin.

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<v Speaker 2>My friends are folks. I remember I went to Plainfield

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<v Speaker 2>High School. Okay, honey, you really gonna go do that?

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<v Speaker 2>I said, Gwen, yes, ma'am, I'm going to go do that.

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<v Speaker 2>You really think you know, you start the business, And

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<v Speaker 2>I said, She asked what I'm going to do? She said, honey,

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<v Speaker 2>you just passed the test. Now why why? Because she

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<v Speaker 2>knows me and she knows that I could be easily

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<v Speaker 2>persuaded not to go get my nails done right, or

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<v Speaker 2>buy a T shirt or do whatever that is. But

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<v Speaker 2>can we talk about the other side of this, because

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<v Speaker 2>we have to talk about the point to burnout?

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<v Speaker 4>Oh exactly.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean that's one of the most important things for

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<v Speaker 3>the self care. I mean, even when we go to work,

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<v Speaker 3>we are continuously working.

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<v Speaker 4>Towards whatever they want us to work towards.

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<v Speaker 3>And we are I mean, even with me, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>working another job throughout the day. They really expect for

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<v Speaker 3>me to be able to do things outside of work

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<v Speaker 3>while I'm not working and not get paid for it.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm like what, you know, And so I had

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<v Speaker 3>to set a boundary going, yeah, no, I'm not working

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<v Speaker 3>outside of work hours, you know, and I'm only going

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<v Speaker 3>to do what is my job because if I do

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<v Speaker 3>anything up and above, y'all are going to think that

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<v Speaker 3>I'm going to do it all the time, you know.

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<v Speaker 3>But we put so much emphasis on working and grinding

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<v Speaker 3>that we at a certain point because we're not taking

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<v Speaker 3>care of ourselves. We reach a point of burnout, which

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<v Speaker 3>is where you are angry, you don't want to go

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<v Speaker 3>to work anymore, you don't treat people with kindness because

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<v Speaker 3>you feel so low vibrational, and you just feel tired,

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<v Speaker 3>and then you start feeling sick, and then you get stressed,

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<v Speaker 3>and then your emotions go crazy and then oh my god,

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<v Speaker 3>and God forbid if we add other things in there

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<v Speaker 3>for women that add on to that, that's just a

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<v Speaker 3>whole other thing. I mean, because we're coming home, we're

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<v Speaker 3>taking care of our kids or just cleaning house or

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<v Speaker 3>taking care of the yard, or taking care of other people, and.

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<v Speaker 4>We're not taking care of ourselves.

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<v Speaker 3>And all of a sudden, we're like we've reached bottom

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<v Speaker 3>and we're laying up in the bed sick because our bodies.

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<v Speaker 4>Like nope, you're done.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you know.

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<v Speaker 3>So it's very important for us to take care of

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<v Speaker 3>ourselves because that burnout doesn't help anybody. It doesn't help

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<v Speaker 3>the company you're working for, it doesn't help your kids,

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<v Speaker 3>it doesn't help your farm, it doesn't help.

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<v Speaker 4>Nobody, you know.

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<v Speaker 3>And when you're taken down, it will take you out

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<v Speaker 3>until you start taking care of yourself.

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<v Speaker 2>I love this, you know. I did a bunch of

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<v Speaker 2>series of shows because you know, there were things that

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<v Speaker 2>have come up in my family and my friend's family

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<v Speaker 2>about taking care of the elderly right, and so what

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<v Speaker 2>was so interesting about that I attracted about three or

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<v Speaker 2>four hosts that talked about the self care behind the

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<v Speaker 2>care and the numbers, the statistics. And I have a

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<v Speaker 2>friend right now, I'm watching him and I watched him

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<v Speaker 2>over a six eight month time deteriorate and he was

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<v Speaker 2>not the one that had the issue. He didn't have dementia.

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<v Speaker 2>His wife did. And I'm watching him now. The dude

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<v Speaker 2>is in a wheelchair. I don't even know how to help, right,

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<v Speaker 2>and the family couldn't see it coming. But there are

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<v Speaker 2>multiple things that we can do for ourselves. And let's

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<v Speaker 2>talk about that, because here's something I've been making a

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<v Speaker 2>big thing about. I follow sports, and I don't know,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know what it is, but there's some divide

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<v Speaker 2>that happens when you talk about women in sports versus

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<v Speaker 2>men in sports. And you know, I'm following a player

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<v Speaker 2>now that obviously is getting brutally targeted by teams players

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<v Speaker 2>for whatever reason. And the referees are just here, no,

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<v Speaker 2>we see no evil. They don't even smell nothing. They

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<v Speaker 2>are just like ridiculous. And so what she does is

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<v Speaker 2>really make a stink about it. You see. Let's talk

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<v Speaker 2>about standing up for oneself if we could for a moment,

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<v Speaker 2>as a version of self care, what do you take

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<v Speaker 2>on that? How many times did you have to stand

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<v Speaker 2>up for yourself? Causito, we don't include that in self care?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh right, No, I mean there are so many and

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<v Speaker 3>you don't have to stand up for yourself rudely.

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<v Speaker 4>You can just you can just be.

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<v Speaker 3>Very calm and collected and be like, you know what,

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<v Speaker 3>that doesn't work for me, Thank you, I appreciate it.

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<v Speaker 4>But no, it is okay to say no. No is

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<v Speaker 4>part of self care.

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<v Speaker 3>If you are not filling up to something, or if

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<v Speaker 3>somebody's trying to make you do something.

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<v Speaker 4>That you don't want to do, it's okay not to

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<v Speaker 4>do it.

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<v Speaker 2>No.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm just like, I mean, I recently had to

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<v Speaker 3>like ask for an extra day off because I can't

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<v Speaker 3>take care of myself, and I'm like, look for me

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<v Speaker 3>to be able to show up for you, myself.

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<v Speaker 4>And my family and others around me.

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<v Speaker 3>I need to be able to have rest. Resting is

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<v Speaker 3>a form of self care. You take a nap, there

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<v Speaker 3>is nothing wrong with that. If you go to bed

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<v Speaker 3>at seven o'clock, there is nothing wrong with that.

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<v Speaker 4>And I get it. You're like, oh my god, I

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<v Speaker 4>got things I gotta do.

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<v Speaker 3>Those lists will always be there, one step at a time,

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<v Speaker 3>do one, two, three things. If you only get three

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<v Speaker 3>things done, pat yourself on the damn back, go get

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<v Speaker 3>yourself an ice cream cone and watch TV for ten minutes.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, self care doesn't have to be an all

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<v Speaker 3>day thing. It can literally be ten minutes. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>what are you gonna do for ten minutes for yourself?

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<v Speaker 3>I can't tell you what makes you feel good. I

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<v Speaker 3>know what makes me feel good going on walks. I mean,

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<v Speaker 3>I sat outside this morning and a hummingbird came up

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<v Speaker 3>and was like right here in my face, and.

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<v Speaker 4>I was like, oh my god, hello, how are you?

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<v Speaker 2>I know you're a see that's it man, But you

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<v Speaker 2>know it's still hard. See. We have this thing that's

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<v Speaker 2>called guilt and shame.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, yes, that guilt and shame can really get to you,

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<v Speaker 3>which is why it's important for you to understand who

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<v Speaker 3>you are and why does that make you feel guilty?

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<v Speaker 4>Why does that bring you shame?

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<v Speaker 3>Is it actually something within you or is it something

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<v Speaker 3>that's being projected onto you because you're worried about what

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<v Speaker 3>other people.

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<v Speaker 4>Are going to think.

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<v Speaker 3>It doesn't matter what other people think, it honestly does not.

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<v Speaker 3>You don't have to tell them a damn thing, do

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<v Speaker 3>you boom?

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<v Speaker 4>You know?

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<v Speaker 3>But I get it because I went through it, and

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<v Speaker 3>I had to go through my process when I was

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<v Speaker 3>going to college.

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<v Speaker 4>I was trying to take care of my kids. I

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<v Speaker 4>was trying to take care of the house.

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<v Speaker 3>I was trying to take care of this, and at

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<v Speaker 3>a certain point I couldn't. I couldn't, and I finally

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<v Speaker 3>had to talk to the family and said, look, the

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00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:53.440
<v Speaker 3>house is going.

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<v Speaker 4>To fall apart. It is going to look like it

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<v Speaker 4>is lived in.

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<v Speaker 3>It is not going to look perfect, and unless I help,

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<v Speaker 3>this is what it is because I need to be

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<v Speaker 3>able to focus on taking care of the kids and

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<v Speaker 3>going to school. I still cook dinner, I still go

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<v Speaker 3>grocery shopping, but I had to set a boundary for

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<v Speaker 3>myself because I couldn't do it all.

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<v Speaker 4>And it's okay to ask for help, and it's okay.

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<v Speaker 3>To be like, oh, this is what I'm going to do,

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<v Speaker 3>because if you don't, you will be the one ending

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<v Speaker 3>up in a wheelchair or depressed or sad or and

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<v Speaker 3>then people will be like, well, why is she depressed?

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<v Speaker 3>I don't understand well, And then you get dis ease,

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<v Speaker 3>which comes from sadness and burnout, and all of a sudden,

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<v Speaker 3>you're creating diseases within yourself that you're like, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 3>and this is your body going no.

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<v Speaker 2>We can't do this.

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<v Speaker 4>We have to take care of ourself. It is so

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<v Speaker 4>important and it is. I don't know how many times

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<v Speaker 4>I've just it's not selfish.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, it's not selfish. So let's talk about what

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<v Speaker 2>I call the generational pass down, the generational hand in

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<v Speaker 2>of that the talk. I heard this. I heard this

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<v Speaker 2>about a month ago. I was I don't know where

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<v Speaker 2>I was standing, but I heard this. Maybe it was

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00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:22.039
<v Speaker 2>like a grocery store. I don't even know at this point,

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<v Speaker 2>but it was like, you know, the young girl was saying, Mom,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to go. I'm going over my friends to

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<v Speaker 2>now house at tonight's house because we're going to do

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00:15:32.159 --> 00:15:34.440
<v Speaker 2>a little study and then we're going to go play soccer.

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00:15:34.519 --> 00:15:38.519
<v Speaker 2>She played competitive soccer. La la la. Mom turns around

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00:15:38.559 --> 00:15:42.320
<v Speaker 2>and says, honey, you spend a more time with your

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<v Speaker 2>friends than you are with us. Yes, she is. She's

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<v Speaker 2>a teenager. Hello, I don't know what you did when

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00:15:49.039 --> 00:15:53.559
<v Speaker 2>you were a teenager, But what's that about? And you know,

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00:15:53.639 --> 00:15:55.919
<v Speaker 2>this was only a snapshot in time. And I saw that.

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00:15:56.200 --> 00:15:59.480
<v Speaker 2>I saw the teenage girl and okay, I'm not saying

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not and you all teenagers do this, if you listen,

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00:16:02.000 --> 00:16:04.480
<v Speaker 2>please don't do it. And I saw the young girl

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00:16:04.600 --> 00:16:07.279
<v Speaker 2>look at her mom and just pretty much with her

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00:16:07.320 --> 00:16:08.320
<v Speaker 2>eyes give her the finger.

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<v Speaker 4>M m hm.

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<v Speaker 2>You know she didn't do that, But she also didn't say, oh, mom,

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00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:19.120
<v Speaker 2>I'll stay home with you right now. I didn't hear

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00:16:19.159 --> 00:16:21.840
<v Speaker 2>the rest of the conversation, but clearly that kid is

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00:16:21.879 --> 00:16:25.240
<v Speaker 2>going to go out and what might she do. See,

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00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:29.399
<v Speaker 2>this is the other way that self care gets compromised.

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00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:32.919
<v Speaker 2>We cheat. This is how we cheat on our self care.

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00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:36.399
<v Speaker 2>I love it. We cheat. Yes, it is people saying

305
00:16:36.440 --> 00:16:38.840
<v Speaker 2>I do self care and you're cheating on yourself. Why

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00:16:39.480 --> 00:16:42.519
<v Speaker 2>because you really want to get a manicure and pedicure

307
00:16:42.519 --> 00:16:44.840
<v Speaker 2>and you're only going to get a manicured. Why because

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00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:46.600
<v Speaker 2>when you have to do you have to think, you

309
00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:49.080
<v Speaker 2>have to do what? But you could feel it in

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00:16:49.159 --> 00:16:52.440
<v Speaker 2>the child. Maybe the impact of that is she doesn't

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00:16:52.519 --> 00:16:56.440
<v Speaker 2>spend an hour playing soccer. Maybe she cuts back on

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00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:59.080
<v Speaker 2>Do you understand what I'm saying here about the pattern

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<v Speaker 2>of this.

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00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:03.720
<v Speaker 3>I totally understand. And that goes for adults as well.

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00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:07.319
<v Speaker 3>I mean, I'm putting it out there. I got me

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00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:09.960
<v Speaker 3>a boyfriend and I'm sitting up there trying to figure

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00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:14.119
<v Speaker 3>out how to spend time with him and still take

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00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:17.480
<v Speaker 3>care of my family, and I'm being put in a

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00:17:17.559 --> 00:17:20.960
<v Speaker 3>position with the family going, but you're not giving me

320
00:17:21.160 --> 00:17:25.599
<v Speaker 3>enough time. But you're so busy as well that you

321
00:17:25.720 --> 00:17:29.279
<v Speaker 3>want me to cater to your timing and my timing

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00:17:29.319 --> 00:17:32.839
<v Speaker 3>doesn't matter. And I'm having to work through this and

323
00:17:32.920 --> 00:17:37.319
<v Speaker 3>set boundaries and be like, look, I understand, I get it,

324
00:17:37.960 --> 00:17:41.279
<v Speaker 3>but it's unfair for you to ask me to not

325
00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:43.839
<v Speaker 3>take care of myself by being with somebody that.

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00:17:43.920 --> 00:17:44.599
<v Speaker 4>Cares for me.

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00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:48.000
<v Speaker 3>And I know you guys care for me, but you're

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00:17:48.039 --> 00:17:52.279
<v Speaker 3>also old enough that you're doing what you need to

329
00:17:52.279 --> 00:17:53.480
<v Speaker 3>to take care of yourself.

330
00:17:53.960 --> 00:17:57.920
<v Speaker 4>So why can't I you know, so I totally get that.

331
00:17:58.240 --> 00:18:01.000
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god. So let's think about it past the stigma,

332
00:18:01.079 --> 00:18:03.240
<v Speaker 2>because here's here's the way it comes up. And I

333
00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:05.720
<v Speaker 2>want to ask you how you get past this so

334
00:18:06.039 --> 00:18:08.839
<v Speaker 2>I don't think like the people around us actually come

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00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:12.400
<v Speaker 2>out and say you're so selfish. They don't say those

336
00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:13.079
<v Speaker 2>words right.

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00:18:13.079 --> 00:18:15.119
<v Speaker 4>They just make you feel guilty with the words that

338
00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:15.440
<v Speaker 4>they do.

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00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:18.200
<v Speaker 2>So they make you feel guilty with the words right.

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00:18:18.839 --> 00:18:22.119
<v Speaker 2>But they also may say things like, and I've heard

341
00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:24.599
<v Speaker 2>this before, do you ever think about anybody but yourself?

342
00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:25.359
<v Speaker 4>Right?

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00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:29.680
<v Speaker 2>Isn't that a good one, that you're getting, that that

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00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:30.799
<v Speaker 2>you get and.

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00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:34.079
<v Speaker 3>That you're Wait a minute, I gave up my whole

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00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:37.039
<v Speaker 3>lives and that was my choice.

347
00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:37.880
<v Speaker 4>I did that.

348
00:18:38.519 --> 00:18:40.400
<v Speaker 3>And yet now I'm at a point in my life

349
00:18:40.440 --> 00:18:45.079
<v Speaker 3>where I'm living my life and now I'm selfish. Okay,

350
00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:49.079
<v Speaker 3>you know what you do. You you're projecting onto me.

351
00:18:49.519 --> 00:18:52.319
<v Speaker 3>But see, the thing is is, I've done work on myself.

352
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:56.319
<v Speaker 3>I know who I am, and I know that what

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00:18:56.440 --> 00:19:00.160
<v Speaker 3>they're doing, and I know that I need to to

354
00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:02.640
<v Speaker 3>come at them in a different way as opposed to

355
00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:04.480
<v Speaker 3>just being aggressive or.

356
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<v Speaker 4>Not.

357
00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:10.519
<v Speaker 3>Instead of reacting, I need to respond. I've worked on myself,

358
00:19:10.559 --> 00:19:13.880
<v Speaker 3>but this kid is still hard. I know, I know

359
00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:16.920
<v Speaker 3>it is, and I still go through my head sometimes too,

360
00:19:16.920 --> 00:19:18.559
<v Speaker 3>going oh my god, is this selfish?

361
00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:19.119
<v Speaker 4>No, it's not.

362
00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:21.240
<v Speaker 3>I need to take care of myself because I can't

363
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<v Speaker 3>show up for you if I don't fill my cup.

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00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:28.119
<v Speaker 2>It's insidious. I have a coach in my sport and

365
00:19:28.200 --> 00:19:32.240
<v Speaker 2>I was working with her Friday last Friday and I said,

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00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, I need your help on something. So she

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00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:36.079
<v Speaker 2>thinks I'm going to like need her help on something

368
00:19:36.119 --> 00:19:38.359
<v Speaker 2>like super shot or something. I said, I need your

369
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<v Speaker 2>help on something. You know, I'm playing in these leagues,

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00:19:41.720 --> 00:19:44.519
<v Speaker 2>and you know I don't do well when I have

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00:19:44.599 --> 00:19:48.039
<v Speaker 2>to rush from one game to another or one match

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00:19:48.119 --> 00:19:52.759
<v Speaker 2>to another, and you know, I just get burned out

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<v Speaker 2>and I don't even take breaks between the game. My

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<v Speaker 2>coach is from Nigeria and she he looked at me

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00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:05.200
<v Speaker 2>and said, you are never gonna win. And I said,

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<v Speaker 2>we You mean, if you can't stop in the middle

377
00:20:10.319 --> 00:20:13.920
<v Speaker 2>of a league that is really not so dang important,

378
00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:16.720
<v Speaker 2>And say, I got to go get water and take

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00:20:16.759 --> 00:20:19.559
<v Speaker 2>two minutes in between games. How are you going to

380
00:20:19.680 --> 00:20:21.039
<v Speaker 2>have the guts to win?

381
00:20:22.519 --> 00:20:24.799
<v Speaker 3>Yes, how are you going to show up for the

382
00:20:24.839 --> 00:20:28.880
<v Speaker 3>team if you're dehydrated and you pass out? Oh my gosh,

383
00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:32.680
<v Speaker 3>Now you sprain your ankle, or you bust your head,

384
00:20:32.839 --> 00:20:34.920
<v Speaker 3>or you're just out, and then you're out for the

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00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:35.839
<v Speaker 3>rest of the season.

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00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:40.559
<v Speaker 2>And it happens like you know, it's on Saturday. I

387
00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:42.720
<v Speaker 2>was like, oh, dude, you know what, I love you,

388
00:20:42.759 --> 00:20:44.400
<v Speaker 2>but I gotta go get a drink over here. I

389
00:20:44.440 --> 00:20:47.759
<v Speaker 2>gotta go drink my protein drink. But even doing that,

390
00:20:47.880 --> 00:20:51.079
<v Speaker 2>I thought of how much time I'm spending, not even

391
00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:53.799
<v Speaker 2>five minutes, But in my mind, it's like Okay, dude

392
00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:56.319
<v Speaker 2>standing at the other end of the table waiting for me,

393
00:20:57.039 --> 00:20:59.599
<v Speaker 2>and so here I go drink down an entire bottle

394
00:20:59.640 --> 00:21:02.200
<v Speaker 2>of a pro team drink and then we wonder what

395
00:21:02.640 --> 00:21:05.119
<v Speaker 2>But you see how this shows up If people look

396
00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:07.440
<v Speaker 2>at me when I share this stuff, Coach Queeney, they

397
00:21:07.480 --> 00:21:09.519
<v Speaker 2>look at me when I share this stuff, and they say,

398
00:21:09.559 --> 00:21:12.920
<v Speaker 2>you pat yeah, yeah.

399
00:21:12.920 --> 00:21:15.960
<v Speaker 4>We still learn. No matter how much we know, we

400
00:21:16.079 --> 00:21:16.680
<v Speaker 4>still learn.

401
00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:19.279
<v Speaker 3>We still we still got to get into our own

402
00:21:19.400 --> 00:21:22.359
<v Speaker 3>groove and be like, Okay, it's okay for me to

403
00:21:22.440 --> 00:21:27.720
<v Speaker 3>spend two minutes drinking water regularly instead of bolting it down.

404
00:21:27.759 --> 00:21:31.359
<v Speaker 3>And then you feel like crap on the wherever you're at,

405
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:34.519
<v Speaker 3>you know, the field or the court or whatever, you know,

406
00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:37.519
<v Speaker 3>and you're like, oh, who wants that? You know what,

407
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:39.759
<v Speaker 3>if they don't want to take care of themselves and

408
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:43.119
<v Speaker 3>drink their water, let them be and you drink their

409
00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:44.880
<v Speaker 3>water and you just go it's.

410
00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:48.599
<v Speaker 4>Okay, it's okay, it's okay, I can drink my water.

411
00:21:50.119 --> 00:21:52.279
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I love this because now we have to talk

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00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:54.319
<v Speaker 2>about how we do the self care because we're giving

413
00:21:54.359 --> 00:21:56.759
<v Speaker 2>a fan. I know, you have got to be in

414
00:21:56.799 --> 00:22:00.960
<v Speaker 2>the middle of it with raising a family, having a family,

415
00:22:01.400 --> 00:22:06.599
<v Speaker 2>not only that, but also being the family. So give

416
00:22:06.680 --> 00:22:09.000
<v Speaker 2>us some tips on the best way to do self care.

417
00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:13.559
<v Speaker 3>I would say, look, if you've got children and your

418
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:17.599
<v Speaker 3>children like to go to their friends, use that as

419
00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:21.720
<v Speaker 3>your self care time. First of all, I mean, if

420
00:22:21.799 --> 00:22:23.680
<v Speaker 3>you need to go on a date and the kids

421
00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:26.319
<v Speaker 3>are out their friend's house, go on a date. If

422
00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:29.599
<v Speaker 3>you need to take a bath, take a bath. But

423
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:31.960
<v Speaker 3>even if the kids are at home, there are times

424
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:34.839
<v Speaker 3>when they are playing and they're not messing with you

425
00:22:35.400 --> 00:22:39.640
<v Speaker 3>and you haven't. You've got time between dinner. Take that

426
00:22:39.839 --> 00:22:41.640
<v Speaker 3>five minutes. It is up to you.

427
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:44.799
<v Speaker 4>Get up an extra I don't like getting up early,

428
00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:47.759
<v Speaker 4>that's just me. But if you can get up early,

429
00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:49.359
<v Speaker 4>get up an extra.

430
00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:53.079
<v Speaker 3>Ten to fifteen minutes early, sit there and drink your coffee,

431
00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:55.960
<v Speaker 3>reading your newspaper before.

432
00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:56.920
<v Speaker 4>Everybody gets up.

433
00:22:57.559 --> 00:23:00.400
<v Speaker 3>It is up to you and how you you lies

434
00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:04.759
<v Speaker 3>your time, And even if you have to plan it,

435
00:23:04.839 --> 00:23:07.960
<v Speaker 3>be like, hey, I want to do this on Friday.

436
00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:10.079
<v Speaker 4>Can you help me out, you know?

437
00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:14.359
<v Speaker 3>Or hey, the kids are gone, I'm doing this, leave

438
00:23:14.400 --> 00:23:17.480
<v Speaker 3>me alone, you know, Or don't answer your phone. Get

439
00:23:17.519 --> 00:23:21.079
<v Speaker 3>a book when you're sitting in the train going to work.

440
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:23.160
<v Speaker 4>I mean, I don't know. Some people ride a train,

441
00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:27.440
<v Speaker 4>read the book. When you're you know, on a trip,

442
00:23:28.640 --> 00:23:29.519
<v Speaker 4>enjoy it.

443
00:23:29.640 --> 00:23:33.240
<v Speaker 3>Be in the present moment, you know, but find the

444
00:23:33.279 --> 00:23:36.279
<v Speaker 3>time that works for you. Find the things that you like,

445
00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:39.559
<v Speaker 3>that you enjoy. If you want to take a damn nap,

446
00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:43.599
<v Speaker 3>take a nap, you got that fifteen minutes do it?

447
00:23:44.119 --> 00:23:47.359
<v Speaker 3>Set an alarm, you know, and I get it. The

448
00:23:47.759 --> 00:23:50.960
<v Speaker 3>guilt and the shame will pop up, and it's working

449
00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:53.079
<v Speaker 3>through that and going I'm allowed to do this.

450
00:23:53.319 --> 00:23:56.319
<v Speaker 4>It's okay. I'm doing this not only.

451
00:23:56.039 --> 00:23:58.759
<v Speaker 3>For myself but for others, because if I don't do

452
00:23:58.880 --> 00:24:02.720
<v Speaker 3>it for myself, I can't show up for others because

453
00:24:02.759 --> 00:24:05.720
<v Speaker 3>I don't want to lay up on the bed being sick,

454
00:24:05.880 --> 00:24:09.359
<v Speaker 3>or get some disease or a migraine, or.

455
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:12.359
<v Speaker 4>Take care of yourself. It is okay.

456
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:16.359
<v Speaker 3>Give yourself permission and have compassion and kindness for yourself.

457
00:24:16.759 --> 00:24:20.960
<v Speaker 4>For Pete's sake, it is okay. And if you.

458
00:24:21.079 --> 00:24:25.279
<v Speaker 3>Need me I will help you through that, you know,

459
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:27.920
<v Speaker 3>contact me through coach creemybeat dot com.

460
00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:31.160
<v Speaker 4>You can set up a consultation. All the other links

461
00:24:31.160 --> 00:24:31.599
<v Speaker 4>are there.

462
00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:33.839
<v Speaker 3>I mean, even if you want to sit down and

463
00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:37.759
<v Speaker 3>listen to music for five minutes. Yep, you know, when

464
00:24:37.799 --> 00:24:41.599
<v Speaker 3>you're driving home, turn the radio off and just be

465
00:24:41.799 --> 00:24:44.960
<v Speaker 3>with yourself, or find music that you like. Don't be

466
00:24:45.079 --> 00:24:48.839
<v Speaker 3>listening to all this shit that's happening. Find some good

467
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:51.920
<v Speaker 3>music and jam until you get home.

468
00:24:52.359 --> 00:24:54.079
<v Speaker 4>Calm down. If you need to.

469
00:24:54.039 --> 00:24:56.240
<v Speaker 3>Take in your driveway while you're at home listening to

470
00:24:56.279 --> 00:24:58.680
<v Speaker 3>your music, do it, you know, I mean, come on,

471
00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:00.079
<v Speaker 3>let's do it that.

472
00:25:01.079 --> 00:25:04.400
<v Speaker 4>Whatever works for you. Five minutes, start with five minutes.

473
00:25:04.920 --> 00:25:07.640
<v Speaker 3>Work your way up, you know, and you will work

474
00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:09.119
<v Speaker 3>through that guilt and that shame.

475
00:25:09.720 --> 00:25:11.680
<v Speaker 4>But like I said, even to this day, I still

476
00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:13.960
<v Speaker 4>have it. I still got to work through it.

477
00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:18.240
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, it's okay, Yeah, it is okay, it is.

478
00:25:18.599 --> 00:25:20.160
<v Speaker 2>You know. The one thing I thought about is what

479
00:25:20.200 --> 00:25:22.079
<v Speaker 2>you just mentioned. First of all, you and I do

480
00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:24.480
<v Speaker 2>not get through this alone. So I'm glad that you're

481
00:25:24.519 --> 00:25:26.519
<v Speaker 2>putting yourself out there to help people. This is a

482
00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:28.880
<v Speaker 2>big one for women. I'm telling you, ladies, you're not

483
00:25:28.920 --> 00:25:31.359
<v Speaker 2>gonna be able to do this alone, especially if you

484
00:25:31.400 --> 00:25:32.359
<v Speaker 2>have a lifetime of that.

485
00:25:32.960 --> 00:25:35.640
<v Speaker 4>Right, we are a village. Get together and take care

486
00:25:35.680 --> 00:25:36.160
<v Speaker 4>of yourself.

487
00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:39.400
<v Speaker 3>My best friend that has cancer, we me and my

488
00:25:39.480 --> 00:25:42.160
<v Speaker 3>other best friend, our best friend, mutual best friend. She's

489
00:25:42.200 --> 00:25:45.319
<v Speaker 3>gonna come down and we're written in Airbnb and we're

490
00:25:45.319 --> 00:25:47.519
<v Speaker 3>taking her away and we're spoiling her.

491
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:50.519
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, we all need that.

492
00:25:50.519 --> 00:25:54.640
<v Speaker 2>That is okay, And you know, look for the signs.

493
00:25:55.000 --> 00:25:58.119
<v Speaker 2>So here's a sign. I was talking to somebody, a

494
00:25:58.119 --> 00:26:01.839
<v Speaker 2>potential client or host or something a while ago, and

495
00:26:01.880 --> 00:26:04.319
<v Speaker 2>he said to me, what is the what is the

496
00:26:04.319 --> 00:26:05.680
<v Speaker 2>best thing you like to do?

497
00:26:05.880 --> 00:26:06.079
<v Speaker 4>Now?

498
00:26:06.119 --> 00:26:08.640
<v Speaker 2>This will give you a sense of where I was,

499
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:11.279
<v Speaker 2>where I what I was on the edge of burn

500
00:26:11.319 --> 00:26:13.920
<v Speaker 2>Isle at the time. I said, the best I'll tell you.

501
00:26:13.960 --> 00:26:15.799
<v Speaker 2>The funniest thing I like to do is take an

502
00:26:15.799 --> 00:26:18.640
<v Speaker 2>airplay ride from Seattle to New Jersey and New Jersey

503
00:26:18.680 --> 00:26:22.440
<v Speaker 2>back there. He looked at me, like, are you out

504
00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:25.000
<v Speaker 2>of your mind? I said, no, think about it. I

505
00:26:25.079 --> 00:26:28.119
<v Speaker 2>get on that plane. Those doors shut, your things are

506
00:26:28.200 --> 00:26:31.839
<v Speaker 2>shut down, You are not doing email, nobody's calling you,

507
00:26:32.119 --> 00:26:37.200
<v Speaker 2>and you have a six hour ride, yes, uninterrupted.

508
00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:37.799
<v Speaker 4>Yes.

509
00:26:38.799 --> 00:26:40.480
<v Speaker 2>And I said to him, this is a friend of mine.

510
00:26:40.759 --> 00:26:42.799
<v Speaker 2>Unless I sit next to you, then you're just not

511
00:26:42.839 --> 00:26:43.640
<v Speaker 2>going to stop talking.

512
00:26:43.960 --> 00:26:44.160
<v Speaker 4>Right.

513
00:26:45.319 --> 00:26:49.279
<v Speaker 2>But that was a sign for me of where I

514
00:26:49.359 --> 00:26:51.920
<v Speaker 2>was at that time in my life. And I just

515
00:26:52.039 --> 00:26:55.400
<v Speaker 2>looked at that and I said, really, pat mm hmm,

516
00:26:55.960 --> 00:26:58.680
<v Speaker 2>that's what you're longing for. Why don't you give yourself

517
00:26:58.759 --> 00:27:02.599
<v Speaker 2>six hours girlfriend exactly? And you don't have to get

518
00:27:02.640 --> 00:27:04.440
<v Speaker 2>no plane ride, no.

519
00:27:04.920 --> 00:27:09.279
<v Speaker 3>No, just give yourself permission, have compassion and kindness. Yeah,

520
00:27:09.799 --> 00:27:13.119
<v Speaker 3>show up for you, because at this point nobody else

521
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:15.799
<v Speaker 3>is going to do it for you. Your friends aren't going

522
00:27:15.839 --> 00:27:18.920
<v Speaker 3>to be like, hey, you know you need to drink

523
00:27:18.960 --> 00:27:19.400
<v Speaker 3>your water.

524
00:27:20.359 --> 00:27:21.960
<v Speaker 2>You have a little watch that tells me that.

525
00:27:22.119 --> 00:27:24.880
<v Speaker 4>Now I'm always going did you drink your water? Did

526
00:27:24.880 --> 00:27:25.640
<v Speaker 4>you drink the water?

527
00:27:26.359 --> 00:27:29.240
<v Speaker 2>I get to watch now, I get to watch that.

528
00:27:29.319 --> 00:27:31.559
<v Speaker 2>It's like, makes this water sound right?

529
00:27:32.039 --> 00:27:32.240
<v Speaker 4>Right?

530
00:27:32.359 --> 00:27:33.119
<v Speaker 2>Oh my god?

531
00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:33.640
<v Speaker 4>What is that?

532
00:27:34.799 --> 00:27:37.480
<v Speaker 2>It's like I'm thinking, what's that my phone? No, it's

533
00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:40.240
<v Speaker 2>my watch, like with water sound, Oh my god. And

534
00:27:40.279 --> 00:27:43.640
<v Speaker 2>then I still don't go get it. Queenybe, coach, queeniebe,

535
00:27:43.720 --> 00:27:45.640
<v Speaker 2>thank you so much for today, and for those who

536
00:27:45.680 --> 00:27:47.559
<v Speaker 2>out there. I want to say two things to you.

537
00:27:47.960 --> 00:27:50.319
<v Speaker 2>This is not like an invitation. This is a sense

538
00:27:50.359 --> 00:27:53.599
<v Speaker 2>of urgency, ladies. This really is. You can look up

539
00:27:53.599 --> 00:27:56.319
<v Speaker 2>all the statistics you want, You could see everything, but

540
00:27:56.400 --> 00:27:58.079
<v Speaker 2>you don't have to. You don't have to do that.

541
00:27:58.400 --> 00:28:00.240
<v Speaker 2>You just have to listen to what we're saying today

542
00:28:00.279 --> 00:28:01.000
<v Speaker 2>and say, is that me?

543
00:28:01.799 --> 00:28:02.039
<v Speaker 4>Yes?

544
00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:05.160
<v Speaker 2>Is that me? Am? I going to do what other

545
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:08.240
<v Speaker 2>people want me to do because they've said two words.

546
00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:10.799
<v Speaker 2>Thank you Coach Queenie Bee for everything.

547
00:28:10.880 --> 00:28:13.279
<v Speaker 4>Of course, of course, thank you everybody.

548
00:28:13.640 --> 00:28:16.079
<v Speaker 2>I think my watch is beep. And now for the water.

549
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:18.960
<v Speaker 4>Go drink your water, doctor pat I've got.

550
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:24.880
<v Speaker 2>Mine, all right, everybody, Emily, thank you, Coach Queenie Bee.

551
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:30.359
<v Speaker 2>Everybody go please reach out. I'm telling you I'm not here.

552
00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:34.400
<v Speaker 2>She's not here because we did this alone. We have people. Yes,

553
00:28:34.720 --> 00:28:35.839
<v Speaker 2>We'll see y'all next time.

554
00:28:36.279 --> 00:28:36.599
<v Speaker 3>Bye.

555
00:28:36.759 --> 00:28:44.000
<v Speaker 1>Thank you, Thank you for listening to becoming the beautiful

556
00:28:44.039 --> 00:28:48.240
<v Speaker 1>discovery with me. Coach Queenie Bee and doctor Patty join

557
00:28:48.359 --> 00:28:52.279
<v Speaker 1>us the first Monday each month at eleven am Pacific

558
00:28:52.359 --> 00:28:56.440
<v Speaker 1>time to embark on this journey of courage, awakening and

559
00:28:56.440 --> 00:29:00.240
<v Speaker 1>self discovery. If today's episode inspired you to take a

560
00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:03.519
<v Speaker 1>moment to like, share, and subscribe so others can join

561
00:29:03.599 --> 00:29:08.880
<v Speaker 1>the movement too. For more resources, tools and inspiration, visit.

562
00:29:08.720 --> 00:29:10.720
<v Speaker 4>Coach Queeniebee dot com.

563
00:29:10.759 --> 00:29:16.440
<v Speaker 1>Remember visit Coach Queeniebee dot com and remember, your journey

564
00:29:16.599 --> 00:29:19.920
<v Speaker 1>is your power. Keep waking up, claiming your truth and

565
00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:23.160
<v Speaker 1>becoming the beautiful discovery you are always meant to be,