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Speaker 1: The Christmas Eve Burglary by Arnold Bennett. Lady Dane said, Gee,

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if that portrait stays so much longer, you'll just have

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to take me off to pie Hill one of these

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fine mornings. Pie Hill is the seat of the great

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local hospital, but it is also the seat of the

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great local lunatic asylum. And when the inhabitants of the

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Five Towns say merely Pye Hill, they mean the asylum.

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I do declare. I can't fancy my food nowadays, said

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Lady Dane, And it's all that portrait. She stared plaintively

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up at the immense oil painting which faced her as

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she sat at the breakfast table in her spacious and

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opulent dining room. Sir Gehosifact made no remark despite Lady

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Dane's animadversions upon it, despite the undoubted facts that it

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was generally liked in the Five Towns. The portrait had

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cost a thousand pounds, some said guineas, and though not

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yet two years old, it was probably worse at least

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fifteen hundred in the picture market, for it was a cressage.

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And not only was it a cressage, it was one

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of the finest cressages in existence. It marked the summit

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of Sir Jehosaphat's career. Sir Jehosiphat's career was perhaps the

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most successful and brilliant in the entire social history of

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the Five Towns. This famous man was the principal partner

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in Dane Brothers. His brother was dead, but two of

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Sir G's sons were in the firm. Dane Brothers were

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the largest manufacturers of cheapers and were in the district,

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catering chiefly for the American and colonial buyer. They had

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an extremely bad reputation for cutting prices. They were hated

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by every other firm in the Five Towns, and to

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hear rival manufacturer's talk, one would gather the impression that

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Sir G had acquired a tremendous fortune by systematically selling

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goods under cost. They were also hated by between eighteen

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and nineteen hundred employees. But such hatred, however virulent, had

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not marred the progress of Sir G's career. He had

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meant to make a name, and he had made it.

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The Five Towns might laugh at his vulgar snobbishness. The

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Five Towns might sneer at his calculated philanthropy. But he

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was nevertheless the best known man in the Five towns.

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And it was precisely his snobbishness and his philanthropy which

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had carried him to the top. Moreover, he had been

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the first public man in the Five towns to gain

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a knighthood. The Five Towns could not deny that it

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was very proud, indeed, of this knighthood. The means by

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which he had won this distinction were neither here nor there.

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He had won it, And was he not the father

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of his native borough, had he not been three times

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mayor of his native borough. Was not the whole northern

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half of the county dotted and spangled by his benefactions,

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his institutions, his endowments. And it could not be denied

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that he sometimes tickled the Five towns, as the five

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towns likes being tickled. There was, for example, the notorious

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sneed incident. Sneed Hall, belonging to the Earl of Chell,

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lies a few miles south of the Five Towns, and

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from it the pretty Countess of Chell exercises that condescending

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meddlesomeness which so frequently exasperates the Five towns. Sir g

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had got his title by the aid of the Countess,

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interfering Iris, as she is locally dubbed. Shortly afterwards he

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had contrived to quarrel with the Countess, and the quarrel

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was conducted by Sir Gee as a quarrel between equals,

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which delighted the district. Sir Jee's final word in it

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had been to buy a sizeable tract of land near

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Sneed Village, just off the Sneed Estate, and to erect

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thereon a mansion quite as imposing a Sneed Hall, and

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far more up to date, and to call the mansion

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Sneed Castle. A mighty stroke. Iris was furious, the Earl's

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speechless with fury, but they could do nothing naturally, the

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five Towns was tickled. It was a propos of the

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housewarming of Sneed Castle, also of the completion of his

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third mayoralty, and of the or duration of the Dane

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Technical Institute. That the movement had been started primarily by

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a few Toadies for tendering to Sagee a popular gift

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worthy to express the profound esteem in which he was

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officially held in the Five Towns. It having been generally

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felt that the gift should take the form of a portrait.

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A local Dilettantia had suggested Cressage, and when the Five

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Towns had inquired into Cressage and discovered that that genius

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from the United States was celebrated throughout the civilized world

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and regarded as the equal of Vilaskis, whoever Vilaskis might be,

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and that he had painted half the aristocracy, and that

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his income was regal, the suggestion was accepted and Cressage

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was approached. Cressage haughtily consented to paint ser Gee's portrait

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on his usual conditions, namely that the sitter should go

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to the Life Village in Bedfordshire, where Cresige had his

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principal studio, and that the painting should be exhibited at

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the Royal Academy before being shown anywhere else. Cressage was

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an ra, but no one thought of putting ra after

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his name. He was so big that instead of the

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Royal Academy conferring distinction on him, he conferred distinction on

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the Royal Academy. Sir g went to Bedfordshire and was

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rapidly painted, and he came back gloomy. The presentation committee

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went to Bedfordshire later to inspect the portrait and they

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too came back gloomy. Then the Academy exhibition opened, and

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the portrait showing Sir G in his robe and chain

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and in a chair was instantly hailed as possibly the

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most glorious masterpiece of modern times. All the critics were

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of one accord. The Committee and Sir Gee were reassured,

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but only partially, and Sir g rather less so than

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the committee, For there was something in the enthusiastic criticisms

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which gravely disturbed them. An enlightened generation thoroughly familiar with

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the dazzling, yearly succession of Cressage's portraits need not be

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told what this something was. One critic wrote that Cressage

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displayed even more than his quote customary astounding insight into

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character end quote. Another critic wrote that Cressage's observation was

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as usual quote calmly and coldly hostile end quote. Another

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referred to the quote typical provincial mayor immortalized for the

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diversion of future ages end quote. Inhabitants of the five

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towns went to London to see the work for which

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they had seen subscribed, And they saw a mean, little

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old man with thin lips and a straggling gray beard

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and shifty eyes and pushful snob written all over him,

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ridiculous in his gewgaws of office. When you looked at

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the picture close too, it was a meaningless mass of

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colored smudges. But when you stood fifteen feet away from it,

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the portrait was absolutely life like, amazing, miraculous. It was

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so wondrously lifelike that some of the inhabitants of the

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five towns burst out laughing. Many people felt sorry, not

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for Sir Gee, but for Lady Dame. Lady Dane was

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beloved and genuinely respected. She was a simple, homely, sincere woman,

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her one weakness being that she had never been able

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to see through Sir g Of course, at the presentation ceremony,

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the portrait had been ecstatically referred to as a possession,

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precious forever, and the recipient and his wife pretended to

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be overflowing with pure joy in the ownership of it.

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It had been hanging in the dining room of Sneed

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Castle about sixteen months when Lady Dane told her husband

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that it would ultimately drive her into the lunatic asylum.

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Don't be silly, wife, said, Sir Gee, I wouldn't part

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with that portrait for ten times what it cost. This was,

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to speak bluntly, a downright lie. Sir Gee secretly hated

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the portrait more than anyone hated it. He would have

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been almost ready to burn down Sneed Castle in order

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to get rid of the thing. But it happened that

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on the previous evening, in conversation with the magistrate's clerk,

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his receptive brain had been visited by a lesson expensive

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scheme than burning down the castle. Lady Dane sighed, are

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you going to town early? She inquired, Yes, he replied,

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I'm on the rotor to day. He was chairman of

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the Borough Bench of Magistrates. As he drove into town,

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he revolved his scheme and thought it wild and dangerous,

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but still feasible. Two on the bench that morning, Sir

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g shocked mister Sherret, the magistrate's clerk, and he utterly

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disgusted mister Bourne's, Superintendent of the Borough Police. I do

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not intend to name the name of the borough, whether Bursley, Hanbridge, Knight,

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Longshore or turn Hill. The inhabitants of the five towns

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will know without being told. The rest of the world

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has no right to know. There had recently occurred a

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somewhat thrilling series of burglaries in the district, and the burglars,

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a gang of them, was presumed, had escaped the solicitous

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attentions of the police. But on the previous afternoon an

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underling of mister Bournes had caught a man who was

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generally believed to be wholly or partly responsible for the burglaries.

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The five towns breathed with relief and congratulated mister Bourne,

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and mister Bourne was well pleased with himself. The Staffordshire

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signal headed the item of news smart capture of a

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supposed burglar. The supposed burglar gave his name as William

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Smith and otherwise behaved in an extremely suspicious manner. Now

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Sir g sitting as Chief Magistrate in the Police Court,

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actually dismissed the charge against the man, overruling his sole

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colleague on the bench that morning, Alderman Easton. He dismissed

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the charge against William Smith, holding that the evidence for

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the prosecution was insufficient to justify even a remand no

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wonder that mister Bourne was discouraged, not to say angry,

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no wonder that that pillar of the law. Mister sherret

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was pained and shocked at the conclusion of the case.

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Ser Jehosifat said that he would be glad to speak

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with William Smith afterwards in the magistrates room, indicating that

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he sympathized with William Smith and wished to exercise upon

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William Smith his renowned philanthropy. And so at about noon,

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when the court majestically rose, Sir g retired to the

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magistrates room, where the humble Alderman Eastern was discreet enough

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not to follow him, and awaited William Smith. And William

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Smith came, guided thither by a policeman, to whom, in

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parting from him, he made a rude, surreptitious gesture. Sir ge,

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seated in the armchair which dominates the other chairs round

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the elm table in the magistrate's room, emitted a preliminary cough.

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M Smith, he said, sternly, leaning his elbows on the table.

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You are very fortunate this morning, you know, and he

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gazed at Psmith. Smith stood near the door, cap in hand.

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He did not resemble a burglar who surely ought to

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be big, muscular and masterful. He resembled an undersized clerk

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who has been out of work for a long time,

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but who has nevertheless found the means to eat and

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drink rather plenteously. He was clothed in a very shabby

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navy blue suit, frayed at the wrists and ankles, and

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greasy in front. His linen collar was brown with dirt.

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His fingers were dirty, His hair was unkempt and long,

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and a young and lusty black beard was sprouting on

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his chin. His boots were not at all pleasant. Yes,

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Governor Smith replied lightly, with a Manchester accent, and what's

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your game? Sir Ge was taken aback. He is a

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chairman of the Borough Bench and the leading philanthropist in

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the county to be so spoken to. But what could

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he do? He himself had legally established Smith's innocence. Smith

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was as free as air and had a perfect right

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to adopt any tone he chose to any man who chose,

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And Sir Ge desired a service from William Smith. I

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was hoping I might be of use to you, said

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ser Gehosiphat diplomatically. Well said Smith, that's all right, that is,

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But none of your philanthropic dodges, you know, and on

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want to lead a new life. And I don't want

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to turn over a new leaf, and I don't want

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to help in hand. No, none of those things. And

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what's more, I don't want a situation. I've got old

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the situation as I need. But I never refuse money

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or beer. Neither never did. And I'm forty years old

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next month. I suppose burgling doesn't pay very well, does it?

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Said he boldly ventured. William Smith laughed coarsely. It pays

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right enough, said he. But I don't put my money

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on the back Governor. I've put it into a bit

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of public house property. When I get the chance, it

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may pay, said saj. But it is wrong. It is

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very anti social, is it? Indeed, Smith returned dryly, anti

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social is it? Huh? I've heard it called plenty of

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things in my time, but never that. Now I should

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have called it quite sociable, lie of making free with

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strangers and so on. However, he added, I come across

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a cove once, as told me crime was nothing but

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a disease and ought to be treated as such. I

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asked him for a dozen of port, but he never

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sent it, ever, being caught before Sir g inquired, not much,

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Smith exclaimed, and this will be a lesson to me.

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I can tell you now, what are you getting at, Governor,

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Because my time's money, My time is sair g coughed

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once more, Sit down, said Sir G. And William Smith

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sat down opposite to him at the table and put

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his shiny elbows on the table, precisely in the manner

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of Sir G's elbows. Well, he cheerfully encouraged Sir G.

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How should you like to commit a burglary that was

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not a crime, said Sir G, his shifty eyes wandering

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around the room, A perfectly lawful burglary. What are you

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getting at? William Smith was genuinely astonished at my resident

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sneed castle, said G. Proceeded, there's a large portrait of

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myself in the dining room that I want to have stolen.

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You understand stolen. Yes, I want to get rid of

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it and I want people to think that it has

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been stolen. Well, why don't you stop it one night

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and steal it yourself and then burn it? William Smith

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suggested that would be deceitful, said Sir G. Gravely. I

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could not tell my friends that the portrait had been stolen.

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If it had not been stolen. The burglary must be

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entirely genuine. What's the figure, said Smith, curtly. Figure, what

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are you going to give me for the job? Give

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you for doing the job, said she repeated, His secret

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and ineradicable meanness aroused. Give you why I'm giving you

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the opportunity to honestly steal a picture that's worth over

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a thousand pounds. I des it would be worth two

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thousand pounds in America, and you want to be paid

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into the bargain. Do you know, my man, that people

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come all the way from Manchester and even London to

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see that portrait? He told Smith about the painting. Then

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why are you in such a steal to be rid

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of it? Queried the burglar. That's my affair, said said she.

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I don't like it, Lady Dan doesn't like it, but

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it's a presentation portrait, and so I can't you'll see,

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mister Smith. And how am I going to dispose of it?

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When I've got it? Smith demanded, You can't melt a

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portrait down as if it were silver. By what you say, Guvnor,

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It's known all over the blessed world. Seems to me,

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I might just as well try to sell the Nelson column.

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Oh nonsense, said Sir G. Nonsense. You'll sell it in

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America quite easily. It'll be a fortune to you keep

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it for a year first, and then send it to

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New York. William Smith shook his head and drummed his

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fingers on the table, and then quite suddenly he brightened

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and said, all right, Guvnor, I'll take it on, just

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to oblige you. When can you do it, asked Sir G,

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hardly concealing his joy. Tonight, no, said Smith, mysteriously. I'm

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engaged tonight. Well tomorrow night. No, tomorrow, I'm engaged tomorrow too.

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You seem to be very much engaged, my man, said,

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she observed, what do you expect? Smith retorted, business is business.

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I could do it the night after tomorrow, but that's Christmas,

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Eve said. She protested, what if it is Christmas? Eve

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said Smith coldly. Would you prefer Christmas Day? I'm engaged

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on Boxing Day and the day after. Not in the

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five towns, I trust, said, She remarked, No, said Smith shortly.

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The five Towns is about sook dry. The affair was

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arranged for Christmas. Eve now said, She suggested, Shall I

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draw your plan of the castle, so that you can

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William Smith's face express terrific scorn. Do you suppose, he said,

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as I haven't had plans of your castle ever since

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it was built. What do you take me for. I'm

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not a blooming excursionist. I'm not. I'm a business man,

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That's what I am. Sir g was snubbed, and he

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agreed submissively to all William Smith's arrangements for the innocent burglary.

284
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He perceived that in William Smith he had stumbled on

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a professional of the highest class, and this good fortune

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pleased him. There's only one thing that riles me, said

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Smith in parting, and that is that you'll go and

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say that, after you'd done everything you could for me,

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I went and burgled your castle, and you'll talk about

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the ingratitude of the lower classes. I know you, guv'nor three.

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On the afternoon of the twenty fourth of December, Si

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Jehosifat drove home to Sneedcastle from the principle of the

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Three Dane Manufactories and found Lady Danes superintending the work

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of packing up trunks. He and she were to quit

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the castle that afternoon in order to spend Christmas on

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the other side of the five towns, under the roof

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of their eldest son, John, who had a new house,

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a new wife, and a new baby. Male. John was

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a domineering person, and being rather proud of his house

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and all that was his, he had obstinately decided to

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have his own Christmas at his own heart, Grandpapa and Grandmamma,

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drawn by the irresistible attraction of that novelty a grandson.

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Though Missus John had declined to have the little thing

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named Jehosaphat, had yielded to John's solicitations, and the family

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gathering for the first time in history, was not to

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occur around Sir Gee's mahogany. Sir g very characteristically said

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nothing thing to Lady Dane immediately he allowed her to

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proceed with the packing of the trunks, and then tea

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was served, and the time was approaching for the carriage

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to come round to take them to the station, when

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at last he suddenly remarked, I shan't be able to

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go with you to John's this afternoon. Oh Gee, she exclaimed,

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really you are tiresome. Why couldn't you tell me before?

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I will come over tomorrow morning. Perhaps in time for church.

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He proceeded, ignoring her demand for an explanation. He always

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did ignore her demand for an explanation. Indeed, she only

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asked for explanations in a mechanical and perfunctory manner. She

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had long since ceased to expect them. So G had

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been born like that, devious, mysterious, incalculable, and Lady Dane

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accepted him as he was. She was somewhat surprised therefore,

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when he went on, I have some minutes of committee

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meetings that I really must go carefully through wounds send

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off tonight. And you know as well as I do,

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as there'll be no chance of doing that at John's.

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I've telegraphed to John. He was obviously nervous and self conscious.

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There's no food in the hearts, sighed Lady Dane, and

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the servants are all going away except Calier, and he

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can't cook your dinner tonight. I think i'd better stay

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myself and look after you. You'll do no such thing,

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said sa G decisively. As for my dinner, anything will

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do for that. The servants have been promised their holiday

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to start from this evening, and they must have it.

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I can manage here, spoke the philanthropist with his unshakable

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sense of justice. So Lady Dane departed anxious and worry

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having previously arranged something cold for Sir G in the

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dining room and instructed Kalier about boiling the water for

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Sir G's tea on Christmas morning. Callier was the under

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coachman and a useful odd man. He it was who

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would drive Sir G to the station on Christmas morning

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and then guard the castle and the stables thereof during

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the absence of the family and the other servants. Callier

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slept over the stables, and after Sir G had consumed

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his cold repast in the dining room, the other servants

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went and Sir Gee was alone in the castle facing

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the portrait. He had managed the affair fairly well, he thought. Indeed,

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he had a talent for chicane, and none knew it

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better than himself. It would have been dangerous if the

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servants had been left in the castle. They might have

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suffered from insomnia and heard William Smith and into feared

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with the operations of William Smith. On the other hand,

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Sir G had no intention whatever of leaving the castle

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uninhabited to the mercies of William Smith. He felt that

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he himself must be on the spot to see that

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everything went right and that nothing went wrong. Thus, the

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previously arranged scheme for the servant's holiday fitted perfectly into

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his plans, and all that he had had to do

357
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was to refuse to leave the castle till the morrow.

358
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It was ideal. Nevertheless, he was a little afraid of

359
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what he had done and of what he was going

360
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to permit William Smith to do. It was certainly dangerous,

361
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certainly rather a wild scheme. However, the die was cast,

362
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and within twelve hours he would be relieved of the

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intolerable incubus of the portrait. And when he thought of

364
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the humiliations which that poor had caused him, when he

365
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:07,160
remembered the remarks of his son's concerning it, especially John's remarks,

366
00:27:07,799 --> 00:27:11,480
when he recalled phrases about it in London newspapers, he

367
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:15,599
squirmed and told himself that no scheme for getting rid

368
00:27:15,599 --> 00:27:20,480
of it could be too wild and perilous. And after all,

369
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,880
the burglary dodge was the only dodge, absolutely the only

370
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conceivable practical method of disposing of the portrait, except burning

371
00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:34,000
down the castle, and surely it was preferable to a

372
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conflagration to arson. Moreover, in case of fire at the castle,

373
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some blundering fool would be sure to cry the portrait.

374
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The portrait must be saved, and the portrait would be saved.

375
00:27:49,599 --> 00:27:53,920
He gazed at the repulsive, hateful thing in the center

376
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,839
of the lower part of the massive gold frame. Was

377
00:27:56,839 --> 00:28:02,000
the legend presented to Sergeyhoseph that day night as a

378
00:28:02,079 --> 00:28:08,279
mark of public esteem and gratitude, et cetera. He wondered

379
00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:12,160
if William Smith would steal the frame. It was to

380
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:16,359
be hoped that he would not steal the frame. In fact,

381
00:28:16,519 --> 00:28:19,359
William Smith would find it very difficult to steal that

382
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,759
frame unless he had an accomplice or so. This is

383
00:28:23,839 --> 00:28:28,160
the last time I shall see you, said Sir g

384
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:32,559
to the portrait. Then he unfastened the catch of one

385
00:28:32,559 --> 00:28:35,599
of the windows in the dining room, as per contract

386
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,759
with William Smith, turned out the electric light and went

387
00:28:39,839 --> 00:28:45,200
to bed in the deserted castle. He went to bed,

388
00:28:45,519 --> 00:28:48,880
but not to sleep. It was no part of Sir

389
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:53,200
GE's program to sleep. He intended to listen, and he

390
00:28:53,319 --> 00:28:59,359
did listen, and about two o'clock, precisely the hour which

391
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:03,559
William Smith that indicated. He fancied he heard muffled and

392
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:08,319
discreet noises. Then he was sure that he heard them.

393
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:14,279
William Smith had kept his word. Then the noises ceased

394
00:29:14,279 --> 00:29:19,440
for a period, and then they recommenced. Sir Ge restrained

395
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,519
his curiosity as long as he could, and when he

396
00:29:22,559 --> 00:29:26,279
could restrain it no more, he rose and silently opened

397
00:29:26,279 --> 00:29:28,880
his bedroom window and put his head out into the

398
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:33,799
nipping night air of Christmas. And by good fortune, he

399
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:38,319
saw the vast oblong of the picture, carefully enveloped in sheets,

400
00:29:38,559 --> 00:29:41,440
being passed by a couple of dark figures through the

401
00:29:41,519 --> 00:29:46,559
dining room window to the garden outside. William Smith had

402
00:29:46,599 --> 00:29:49,480
a colleague then, and he was taking the frame as

403
00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:53,359
well as the canvas. Soir Gee watched the men disappear

404
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,640
down the avenue, and they did not reappear. Sir Gee

405
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:02,599
returned to bed. Yes, he felt himself equal to facing

406
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:06,240
it out with his family and friends. He felt himself

407
00:30:06,279 --> 00:30:10,799
equal to pretending that he had no knowledge of the burglary.

408
00:30:11,839 --> 00:30:14,920
Having slept a few hours, he got up early, and

409
00:30:15,039 --> 00:30:18,359
half dressed, descended to the dining room just to see

410
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,759
what sort of a mess William Smith had made the

411
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:26,400
canvas of the portrait lay flat on the hearth rug,

412
00:30:26,799 --> 00:30:30,319
with the following words written on it in chalk. This

413
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:35,720
is no use to me. It was the massive gold

414
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:42,119
frame that had gone further. As was later discovered, all

415
00:30:42,319 --> 00:30:47,240
the silver had gone. Not a spoon was left in

416
00:30:47,359 --> 00:30:54,079
the castle. End of the Christmas Eve burglary by Arnold

417
00:30:54,079 --> 00:30:54,519
Bennett